LOEG saves the Earth! · 12:55am
Today marks the day I have finally been granted executive powers over XCOM, a prestigious operation that tries in vain to protect this ass of a shithole we call a home. Still, not one to give up Earth without a fight(or a hefty sum of gold), I have assembled a team of elite operatives to combat this alien menace. Our only hope lies in these couragous young meatheads, who will sacrifice their own and the lives of everyone around them. Victory is just around the corner.
Of course, since the League of Extraordinary Gentlecolts was more than willing to assist me in this grand mission, I immediately enlisted Arcainum , Obselescence and Blueshift. I have full confidence in these brave folks.
After a brief overview and promoting Arcainum and Celestia after a mission I'd rather not even talked about, we set out to protect the Earth in all its glory. I decided to research Xeno-biology, because I like putting things in tubes and this seems to be the quickest way of doing so. With all this in mind, I return to Mission Control, where my first situation is right at hand!
Sorry France, but you seriously can't expect me to choose you, instead of SCIENCE.
TIME TO DEPLOY
What can go wrong?
Lambs to the slaughter Brave warriors of honor
As we arrived in Beijing's most box-infested territory, it immediately became apparent that since Arcainum is about as subtle as running around in a pink armor, he should take the front lines. This culminated in our first successful alien sighting, whereupon Arc immediately took it upon himself to shoot the living shit out of the Sectoid.
If only you could aim...
Obselescence and Blueshift quickly rectified the issue though.
Drunk from early-game victory, I immediately sent my lovely servants to scout ahead. Celestia, Arc and Blue all went on their separate ways, while Obs decided to scale the closest box, because he's been fantasizing about them ever since he looked out the window. This relationship was a promising one indeed.
If not for that camping fucker right there.
Fortunately, Brave Obs survived this with just a couple hundred flesh wounds and a dent on his otherwise very manly hairdo.
Albeit he did have a nasty disposition about it.
Taking this as a personal offense, I mounted an offensive and proceeded to bullrush the last surviving alien. Arc, once again possessed by the universe-spanning force of Pinkie Pie, decided to grab the barely-alive Sectoid for himself.
IF ONLY HE COULD AIM FOR SHIT!
Fortunately, Princess Celestia stood by on Overwatch as well and calmly went about to sun the beastie with her royal hooves.
The tard is strong in this one as well.
Fortunately, Blueshift had not yet developed chronic blindness and immediately dispatched the guy. Wrapped up with only massive amounts of collateral damage, our heroes departed into the sunset. Obs will spend the next 5 days in medbay, but he did get a promotion, which makes him an actually worthwhile addition to the team.
Just look at the smug shit right there.
Nonetheless, while Obs was trying in vain to fix his hairdo, life continued. One day, a calm young UFO stalked the skies of Europe and I decided to greet it in the most customary Hungarian way possible.
Avalanche to the face.
The result of this was out first UFO crashlanding and as such, a unique retrieval mission. There! This is how we'll beat these fuckers! Time to to kick their shit in!
Jesus titting christfuck, Arc!
So, Arcainum still can't aim for shit, but that's not a problem! Obselescence has finally recovered and considering he got a hefty sniper promotion, might as well put that to good us
Okay, back the fuck up, what the hell just happened here? I had the aliens on the run and then they suddenly just went supersoldiers and started flanking the shit out me. Fortunately, they were still greatly outnumbered and with that in mind(and the fact that Blueshift was down to half health), I went on. Not the brightest idea, as it turned out, since the newly appeared alien has been taking courses from Nightmare Moon.
Dear sister my ass.
To my utter surprise though, at this point, with Celestia down and Blueshift fiddling with his newly developed terribad aim and a shotgun, Arcainum decided to intervene in the most polite and civil manner possible.
That shot had "fuck you" written all over it.
While I'm fairly horrified that apparently Arc cannot aim with anything less than a rocket launcher, the mission was ultimately a success and as such, we all headed home for a much deserved(and very hopefully not final) rest. All in all, the mission was not a complete failure, although the PR representative AND the HR guy are looking at me funny, for reasons absolutely beyond my understanding.
Nope, no problems there! *liarjack*
However, this leaves me with 3 soldiers short, so it's time to dig deeper into the LOEG repository...