After My Picture Fades

This is the long-awaited sequel fic thing to When You Fall, I Can't Catch You. I've really felt, like I said in the past blog post, some really mixed feelings about the fandom and the way in which things of gone, with me drifting apart from the fandom as my feelings change (very similar to falling out of romantic love with someone). But I do really want this published, and I hope that lots of people look at it.

Like its prequel fic, this is largely a memoir. Right now, I'm making something like a 'soft exit', where I'm not abandoning ponies entirely, but I'm sort of disengaging while only popping in every so often. So, I'm kind of saying 'goodbye', but not entirely. Like I've said so many times before, I just love all of you guys.

*gives tender hugs*

Well, I knew this day would come. Someday, it would be that I've just really lost whatever writing spark I had thinking about these wonderful, magical equines. Someday, I'd just feel tired of it all. Someday, I'd need a break that would be more than just mere days or weeks-- going into months or even years. Someday, I'd be saying goodbye to fanfiction semi-permanently.

And this is that day. My personal life has been a bit of a whirlwind. But, now, I'm finally moved out in a place with a roommate away from my parents. My financial situation is a bit more stable. I've been talking these three medications for a while now, and I have some hope with my private therapy processes. Wednesday was the first day that I've seen a transgender-specific counselor. I don't know if I'll maybe just be a really genderqueer guy or make the leap to being female, but either change will be very hard.

I never expected to get even more than a dozen people to read my stuff. The massive response has just been phenomenal. I love this community in so many ways. Looking forwards, I find myself losing interested in the show's episodes (*cough* Alicorn Twilight *cough*) and characters (*cough* no more Derpy *cough*) a lot. It's not just that the show and the fandom is changing. I'm also changing, and the fit between me, the show, and the community has gotten strained so much. That's life. It does kind of feel like falling away from a romantic relationship to be honest (not to be too melodramatic), but I don't have hard feelings.

At any rate, thank you. Thanks to all of readers and fans for making this an amazing experience over these past several months. Thanks to all of the great writers that inspired me. Thanks to everyone talking with me and keeping me company on this nice website. I really do love you all.

Important P.S.: Please add me on Skype at TheSwipey and/or on Steam at the_fox_swiper to stay in touch with me!

Hey guys! So, well, I come in today, and I see that I have four messages and a full one thousand, four hundred and eighty-seven notifications! Gosh! I promise I'll get to all of them!

Anyways, I just want to wish all of my readers, friends, fellow authors, and the like a Happy Anniversary! (Technically, this was on the fifteen of this month, but-- well-- whatever, hehe) It was one full year ago when I came on to this website, bringing this odd fan-fiction called Migraines written with the support of my friends on 4chan's /b/ board. I branched out to other ideas, and then I apparently struck gold with Nightmare Date and its sequel. I keep saying it, and I mean it-- I never thought I'd get any kind of following. I just figured something like a dozen or so people would care to read my scribblings. The fact that I've gotten so many thousands and thousands of views is just amazing.

All though this past year, I've gone through some huge personal changes. I've finally come out to my parents. I've actually started flirting for once-- getting enough self-confidence to talk dirty with other men (which is an immense change for a Fluttershy-type like me). I've started psychological therapy and began taking medications. Recently, I've started on an SSRI (Celexa) to complement my anti-schzoid pill (Seroquel). I've got to say that the side-effects are a bitch-- feeling tired, dizzy, and nauseated a lot of the day. But, well, I'll just see what happens. I'm less scared now that I've finally seen my new, private-practice therapist. I'll see. This time next year you might be referring to me as 'she' and 'her'... maybe.(*) I hope at least I'll be much happier.

But, anyways, I've made so many friends here. I've watched great things and read great things. I'm so happy, looking back. Even though I'm in a funk of schizoid-depression still, thinking about adding on transgender hormone therapy as well while I deal with the chemical changes of my current drugs, I feel pretty content. Being here has unambiguously been a good thing for me. I love you guys. I really do.

Anyways, for the time being, I'll be going through my personal readjustments. I'll try to squeeze in some fanfic reading and, hopefully, some writing. I've to say that my writing spark still seems pretty much gone, as it's been for weeks and weeks now as I've dealt with suicidal-level depression. Yet I feel like, with the inspiration of a new session (looking forwards to it), I'll finally manage to get back to my normal groove.

Now, then, to celebrate this anniversary-- have some cute ponies!

P.S. Please join me at mlpchan on the boards /chat/, /oat/, and /fic/!

P.S.S. Since my first middle name is Christopher, I was thinking that if I do go through HRT, then I would drop my first name and be 'Christina'. Sound like a nice name?

I hope that everyone is having a great time! <3

For myself, well, I've been in San Diego, relaxing and doing vacation-y things with my Aunt and Uncle. Life has been pretty nice so far. I've expierenced the Museum of Man, the Air and Space Museum, the National History Museum, the Mission Beach Roller Coaster, and other things. Today, we had a nice couple of glasses of champagne together. Anyways, I hope that you guys all feel great right now, and I wish that everyone will have good tidings ahead.

And, remember, don't forget to "Smile!":

(And if you're in a tougher, stronger mood looking for tougher, stronger music, then-- well-- hope that you manage to kick this new year's troubles right in the behind!):

Also:

*love all you guys*

(Image by the wonderful Britsh artist Lauren Magpie)

Well, it's that time of the year again! I hope that everyone here is having some very happy holidays. Whether you're heading off for a long night of drinking with friends, bundling around heaps of food with family, spending a quiet moment by yourself in front of a tree, or whatever else, I wish you well and hope that you'll be having a merry time.

Myself, I have to say-- in all honesty-- that this is the first Christmas in a while where I haven't felt cursed with severe, crippling depression where I see everyone else being happy and content while I stew in a private pit of deep, coarse darkness. It may be, I must say, being on the medication. It may be having finally come out to my parents. It may be that August 2013 is pretty set for when I'll finally have my Master's Degree. It may be that I'm in psychological treatment having hope in the future.

Also, it may be that this is the first time I've tried waxing (in strips-- not a good idea) and shaving (nice, but sadly temporary) my legs, thighs, midriff, chest, et cetera. Now, I feel almost like a new person, as if I've taken a breath of fresh air. I hope to get some serious waxing supplies soon and-- honestly-- look a lot more feminine as the days go by (along with exfoliating and such, stuff that isn't quite transgender-hormone-therapy but is still great in the direction that I must go). I toyed with posting an image of, ah, my now smoothly shaved legs, but that would be weird, of course. Hah!

At any rate, the important thing is that I finally seem to be believing in myself, for once. It's scary that I don't know what my future treatment with my new, private practice people will bring. And it's scary that I'll probably be on new medications in the future as well. Yet, well, at the end of the day it's all about faith-- personal faith just not in myself but in the future of my state and the country as well as the damn human race in general. I'm trying to be-- and I think I really am-- optimistic.

All that aside, I hope that everyone has a very, very happy time this season!

Leaving you with a classic Christmas song:

And, of course, there's the obligatory:

At first, I felt like:

But, now, I feel like:

You may see a karaoke-like video and/or song recording of me trying to sing through a bunch of 'four chords of awesome' soon! *wink, wink*

But, now, let's get more serious.

I've been having some bad mood swings lately. Lots of dark, low periods keep hounding me. I can't stop thinking of myself as horrible, as ugly, as untalented, as not worthy having anyone read anything I do as well as trust me with anything at the University. I keep thinking that I'm a faker, that I shouldn't call myself an economist and could never be worthy of that, and that I should just plain not exist. At least, explicit thoughts of suicide seem to be gone. Also, the schizophrenic symptoms of having auditory hallucinations and such seem to have been vanished-- fingers crossed! I'm also sleeping a hell of a lot better-- thank God!

Thursday was my last meeting with my current psychologist for the year. Next year, I'll be transferred to this group outside of the University-- in my insurance network-- that I really know like nothing about. I'm scared, no bones about it. I feel almost like I'm losing a husband, maybe, and being swapped to this random suitor.

I've brought up a lot of things here, and with my current psychologist. But, ultimately, the events of this past several of months are mostly just preliminary diagnosis. I'm on medication, yes, but more stuff will be added to my regimen. Again, I'm scared. Yet I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic. Someday, I will be able to look at the mirror and think that I'm worthy of living in this world.

Specifically, the sort of dark, confusing fog around my sense of gender identity and my sense of sexual orientations is something that I've only tangently brought up with my current psychologist. My next person, a woman who's worked a lot as a counselor to troubled youth, could help a lot with this. Honestly, what I keep dreaming in my mind is a transition like (left is me, now, right is an mtf transwoman):

Of course, messing with gender is a complicated, deeply difficult thing. I'll just have to muddle through psychiatric therapy and see where the light at the end of the tunnel is. Gosh...

As for fanfiction reading and writing, well, I must be honest. I still feeling like I'm mostly burned out on this fandom, especially the writing side. My inspiration well deep inside of me seems to be nothing like a charred hump of wood mixed with crushed rock. However, I might write something. You never know.

*obligatory, warm and tender hugs where fingers intertwine and deep breaths are let out as concern, unhappiness, and worry just wash away from our faces*

Alright, so, I've been gone for a while now. A lot happened. My mother found out about my bisexuality, my agnoisticism, and my efforts seeking psychological help. He didn't blow up as I had expected. Honestly, I'm pretty happy about how well she's taken it-- saying r.e. orientation something like "I've known for a while, just waiting for you to tell me"-- and she's zeroed in on the mental health problems. That's something that I've been dealing with, worse these past weeks recently than usual back in the summer and spring. I can go on and on about it, that sort of inky blackness coursing inside of me that almost keeps me from living, but...

Well, alright then. Guess who's been diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia (together, known as 'schizo-affective disorder')? If you said "Swiper!", then you win a churro! Since I can't teleport it to you, I'll eat it on your behalf. But, in all seriousness, this has been... very rough...

It's scary. Going from office to office, getting blood drawn for tests, and waiting in those waiting rooms... it's just... horrible, honestly, it's hard to find the words to describe that feeling of having both your mind and body against you, eating away at you. I'm now on 150mg of quetiapine fumarate every single night. I don't know if it helps. It'll be weeks and weeks until I could even tell for sure.

I know that this is not my fault. I can't blame myself any more than someone can blame themselves for diabetes or cancer or some other crippling illness. Yet, honestly, it feels different. Having schizophrenia feels like failure. It feels like a character weakness. It feels like worthlessness. I see the Connecticut shooting news on television, and I cry. Not just for the victims, but for the shooter-- he too was a human being with dignity and worth that did a horrible thing but was not inherently evil. All deaths are a tragedy. And now, like clockwork, we shall see the mainstream American media take this shooting as another opportunity to tell viewers that schizophrenics are all time-bombs waiting to go off-- that they are creepy losers that you need to lock up your daughters to keep them safe from.

Now, then, I haven't written anything for a while (sure, some authors go months and months without doing anything, but I'm not really one to be like that). And, well, I've tried to turn my inner turmoil into prose before. I did it with Rarity's Raspberries, with Dash's Tears in the Rain, and with other stories. This one, I have to say, is closest to home.

When You Fall, I Can't Catch You

Yes, this is almost all auto-biographical. And I didn't want to write it. I just had to write it. I consider it part of the therapy.

Honestly, I expect this story to go over as well as a lead balloon, maybe drowning in down-votes from a public that would much rather like the light, happy comedy things that I've usually written. But I'm releasing it anyway. Do, please, read and comment!

*hugs you all very tightly*

============EDIT============

I'm not familiar with the site now that it's been redesigned.

But, wow, I see that now I guess I'm... featured!

At any rate, I have to say that I really do want people to read this story in the sense of-- well-- support. There are hundreds upon hundreds of people out there suffering from schizophrenia and from depression. And I've bawled my eyes out about being diagnosed with both. I just want to make some kind of sign that those people are cared for. If my one story helps to change one mind or maybe just open one single person's heart, then it's worth it.

*hugs you all again*

Oh, and one important thing! Please read as well: The Love of a DJ by Shadowflash and The End by Art Inspired!

Again: The Love of a DJ and The End (You won't regret it! Read them!)

Hey, everyone... I have 616 notifications to get to and two messages to look at as well. I'll check up on all that at some point soon-- I promise. But, anyways, I just wanted to post something since I've talked lots in the past several weeks (and, now, it's been months) about my issues with chronic depression with thoughts of suicide and auditory hallucinations as well as other things that I've dealt with.

Writing? Reading? Using the site? To be honest, even... watching the show Friendship is Magic? I've thought about those things, but my seething mental block seems to have stayed with me or even gotten worse in my psychological treatment. I've had several sessions now.

On Friday, I spent most of the time talking about my auditory hallucinations. Like, say, hearing someone behind me talking to me (in a different voice than my own) while I'm sitting alone in my car about how weak, stupid, and horrible I am, with me feeling so depressed that I should just drive into a wall and off myself. My psychologist was (and is) very supportive. On Monday, I'll go in for a preliminary diagnosis. After telling me whatever treatable specific illnesses that they think I might have, then I'll see people on Thursday about options for specific medications.

To be honest, I was kind of toying with writing a story called Author Sanity Existence Failure about a hapless stallion (or mare?) that would just be a slightly fictionalized veneer about what I'm been going through-- the sessions and all that. This may be helpful. I'll see what works out.

I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I love you guys. I really do. I feel so impared, socially, from my issues, and this site has been a great blessing for me.

I don't know if I'm Rarity or if you all are Rarity. But I don't care.

*hugs and cuddles*

I'll see you guys later.

Hey, guys, so... I must confess that the past week has been a really frustrating yin-and-yang of mood swings between moments of happiness during my birthday and Thanksgiving to moments of complete and total despair, where I look at my situation and feel like I should probably just plain not exist.

All through that, I've hardly really had a thought of writing something new, even though I've had ideas constantly floating around in my mind. And I've been off the site mostly-- neither reading things nor really being social... I have to say that it's probably bad for depression to make me even more inwardly drawn, since the people here are so great, but that's what's been happening.

I hope that I haven't offended any of you guys, or seemed mean, or seemed too distant, or anything like that... I know that a lot of people have watched me thinking that I'd be churning out material on a constant basis but that just isn't happening. I'm sorry for that.

I'm a bit rambling now-- I'm feeling deeply down at the moment about things such as family and the future as well as my next psychologist session on tomorrow where I'll be talking about my MMPI (mental health test) results. I just wanted to post something to tell people what's up. I also wanted to make something clear:

I'll be having a much more hands-off attitude to fimfiction, to the whole brony fandom thing, and to writing in general for quite a while into the future. I've talked about this for ages, but now it's really happening.

Honestly, I feel like whatever inner voice of depression that has gotten worse over the past two months or so has really drained me of that happy, fluffy, creative spark that I used to have. I really want to write more things in the future, but I really feel like I can't-- like it physically ripples through my skin when I merely sit there and look at the blank fimfiction typing screen.

Tomorrow, I'll be going over more about what kind of medication that is possibly being offered and what side affects for things exist. I must confess to being scared-- as much as I know that I can't be a productive member of society without taking something. But I'm trying to be optimistic about the future.

I just hope that, whatever I'm going through, that I can just pick up back here... whenever that is... and I've dealt with this... in short, all I want to say is:

So, ah, I'll see you all later.

*hugs*

I know I've have a great birthday today. Yet, it's amazing to think that, back in 1988, I came into existence and that was a full twenty-four years ago. The last decade went by fast, in so many ways... hmmm... so...

Hello again, everyone! I've been off-site for quite a while now, and I see that I have a full 354 notifications that I should get to very soon.

But, anyways, I should say that things have been doing okay lately-- there's the ying and yang of things. I had a productive psychologist appointment on Monday, where I talked some more and took that Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) test (which I'm sure I raised some warning flags on given the various answers such as "Do you feel like you would be much happier as a female?" [Yes] and "Do you experience negative thoughts that cause physical twitching?" [Yes]), and work has been fine this week. I had a nice Thanksgiving with some great food. Still, though, serious moments of depression and painful thoughts pop up all the time-- I tend to get badly depressed during birthdays. I'm glad I'll see the psychologist people again on next Monday morning.

And there was a very weird moment yesterday afternoon, at the Thanksgiving table, where my cousins wife said something about how "This year, a record number of individuals will come out of the closet to their families during the holiday. And, guess what, it usually happens around the table." Some people reacted in disgust at her comment. Meanwhile, for me, I loudly dropped my fork and stared at the window while breathing heavily. I glanced at my step-dad, the only person who knows at this moment, and he seemed to just dismiss the whole thing. Overall, it was a good day yesterday, but that was frustrating-- I guess they're just not ready yet. Maybe they'll never be? They just will have to accept who I am, then.

Anyways, today I plan on seeing Skyfall again as well as going to arcades and other things, all with my two younger brothers; I'm sure it will be fun. Honestly, I do feel old at turning 24 today. Seriously!

All of the people here on fimfiction and mlpchan as well as everywhere else in the 'BRONYSPHERE' seem to be in their teens, especially the early teens, and so... I don't know... that won't stop me from flirting, though, with some people...

:slyface:

I hope everyone has a great time this week! See you all later (I promise to respond to everyone or at least try for all the notifications and such)!

*hugs for good measure*