Why I am a very silly pony. · 3:00am
Everypony knows what it feels like to be utterly discouraged.
This is what recently happened to me, and the result of that feeling made me act in some very silly ways. I want to tell you about this.
I am actually Chatoyance.
I recently set up a second account on FimFiction, under a new name. The name was Sunshine Laughter The Pony, and I used this to begin writing stories. You may wonder why, since I already have an account, and a name, and an established reputation on FimFiction.
That is the reason.
Every Conversion Bureau story I wrote was met with quite unexpected appreciation. This was, of course, wonderful. But it also became terrifying.
After each story, and eventually each complete novel, Many readers, both online here, and offline in my email, praised my work and told me that the current work was even better than the last work, and that they could not imagine things getting better, yet they did. I began to feel like I had to keep topping myself, or people would hate me. I began to worry that the next story would be the one that would have all the letters and comments be "That Chatoyance, she really sucks now, what happened?" or "You were good once, Chatty, but lately your work has just gotten lame" or even worse still.... nothing. Nothing at all.
It is very nice to have people like one's work. But it is also scary as hell. What if I fail them? What if the next thing I do fails?
I didn't want to hear how terrible I had become, or how I had begun to suck. For many reasons in my real life, I am pretty fragile right now (nearly lost a family member to sepsis, did lose a dog, ect. ect.) so... I just felt I couldn't take anything sad or bad that way.
So I figured that if I just retired Chatoyance, and became a new name, then I could fail. I could write complete crap, and it would not matter, because it was this new name. I could try things I wouldn't have dared to try before; comedy, actual fan fiction instead of pretentious science fiction, maybe even a damn clopfic, if I dared. I could be free.
Only... it doesn't work like that. Wherever you go... there you are. (Thank you Buckeroo Banzai)
And... I was still me, even under a new name. So it was entirely stupid. I was being stupid. No matter what name I use, I am still going to care about what other ponies - you - think. I can't get away from that.
That is always the risk, putting anything out in the world; it could be liked, or it could be hated, and there is no way around that. There is no safety. It's always a risk, to open one's heart and mind to others. And that is why I am a very silly pony. I thought I could put my stuff out there without risk.
So, I have learned a big lesson from all of this, and you have just heard it.
As a result, I am shuttering my Sunshine Laughter account, and just saying 'buck it' and publishing everything under my proper Chatoyance account, because... I have the right to fail. To try. To experiment. To screw up royally. To do weird stuff and silly stuff and not be so damn serious all the freaking time.
This is everypony's right. Everypony has the right to be silly and fail.
So, I hope those of you who followed me under the name of Sunshine will forgive me, and I hope everypony likes my new stories and new directions for writing.
But if you don't well, that is the risk.
And it is cowardly to think I can hope to avoid that risk.
So here's to being brave. And even more importantly - to being silly.
also Sunshine Laughter.