Shin Equus Tensei Patch Notes #1 · 7:10am
Also edited the plot a little bit.
Also edited the plot a little bit.
Thanks to everyone who replied here. I've taken what you guys have said under consideration, and have made my decision.
In two days time, I will deleting all chapters of Shin Equus Tensei: Episode One...except the first one, as I believe it to be okay enough.
If you want to save the old chapters, this is the time to do so.
As some of you may no doubt be aware, I have written a story called Shin Equus Tensei: Episode One. I then decided roughly a month ago to put it on hiatus and plan it out a bit more, modifying its settings, characters and locations.
Now that I have learned the magic of 'showing not telling', I have decided to rewrite Episode One. The thing is, this might involve starting the story all over again as the new chapters as much longer, particularly chapter 2 (which I feel should be split into separate chapters). Should I delete the story and publish it again, but should I just edit the chapters and not delete it?
I'd like your feedback on this, readers.
Alternate universe of alternate universe. i.e. not related to Episode One in any way.
(Note: the kanji roughly translates to Shin Megami Tensei)
The Black Frost appeared around the corner and began its slow, tortuous walk towards Twilight. Suddenly, it spoke in a booming voice.
“Twilight Sparkle…Princess Luna never told you what happened to your brother, hee-ho.”
Twilight found her mouth opening by itself. “The Princess told me enough!” she yelled, “She told me you killed him!”
“No…” the Black Frost said, pausing for dramatic effect, “I am your brother-ho!”
Black Frost is Shining Armor? “No!” Twilight whimpered, “It’s not true! That’s impossible!”
"Princess Luna! A mob of fans are gathered outside the Velvet Room. They're demanding the latest novel in your adventure series! We need to act now!"
"Can't this wait, Nameless? I'm busy playing Skyrim!"
1. Thou shalt not scheme treason against Lord Lucifer and Princess Celestia.
2. Thou shalt not betray each other.
3. Thou shalt share the spoils of battle.
4. Thou shalt not reveal nor use thy powers amongst common folk.
5. Thou shalt not worship the false god YHVH.
6. Thou shalt not harm each other, unless it is truly for the greater good.
(Yes, I am still working on Shin Equus Tensei. Hope you can be patient.)
“Wake up, little pony.”
Her eyes snapped—no, hammered open. What…what happened?
Blinding lights, something slamming her against a wall and drawing blood, losing consciousness…that was what had happened. Twilight blinked and reasserted her senses. Right now, she was in an unfamiliar place with her friends nowhere in sight. This was very worrying.
It was dark. The pitch blackness spread everywhere, but Twilight could see them clearly—a small human boy with long blonde hair, and a human woman dressed in black. A thick veil covered her face. None of it made sense—most of all the fact that the overwhelming darkness was so intense she couldn’t see any part of herself, yet she could still see the duo in front of her.
Are those humans? Aren’t they just little filly tales? To think that they actually exist…
The human boy whispered something to the woman. Twilight had no clue what he was saying, but from the way the woman’s mouth upturned into a malicious smirk, she began to worry.
“Subject of Celestia,” the woman said, “It pleases me to inform you that my master has chosen to give you a gift.”
“A…a gift?” Twilight croaked out the words. Her throat was on fire. Everything hurt.
“Yes. A very rare gift. You are a special pony, to have arrived in our world and still live, albeit barely so. He has taken quite an interest in you.”
Our world? What’s that’s supposed to mean?
“Who…are you? Where am I? And what’s this…gift?”
“Please don’t move. This will be a trifle unpleasant.”
“Wait, you didn’t answer my questions!”
The woman came towards Twilight, and with a surprising amount of strength, pinned Twilight down on the dark ground.
Despite herself, Twilight was stunned. Are all humans this strong?
Her strength was powerful or her weight was incredible—Twilight couldn’t tell, but she was completely immobilized. But her mouth still moved, and she could still see the little boy walk over to her, stand over her body…
He held out a long centipede like insect, with the biggest pincers she had ever seen.
“Wha…what’s that?” Twilight gasped.
“Don’t worry, the pain will be over soon.” The woman said soothingly. It did nothing to quell Twilight’s rapidly rising fears.
“What are you going to do to me?” Twilight shouted, “Let me go!”
“You cannot survive in this world the way you are now. You must become a demon. Now, just lie still for a moment please.”
It took several precious seconds for the woman’s words to register in Twilight’s brain, for her to figure out what the human had just said to her.
You must become a demon.
You must become one.
You must become a monster.
“NO!” Twilight shrieked. Her body kicked into overdrive. She did not want to become a demon! She went berserk—she screeched, she thrashed, she bit, she kicked, she flailed and her strength increased a millionfold as she tried to escape. Everything in her body was rebelling against the human woman.
She tried to throw the woman off with her magic, only to find that it didn’t work. She couldn’t feel the familiar buzz of the energy running through her horn, solving all of her problems in an instant.
My magic! What’s going on? Why is this happening to me?
“Noooo! NO NO NO NO NO NO!” Twilight repeated the word over and over again, as if it could get her out of this situation, as though it was a magic key that could get her out of this predicament. “No, no, no! I won’t let you make me a demon! I won’t! I won’t!”
The blonde haired boy, who had been silent for all this time, finally made of noise. It was a snort, a cough of amusement. “I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.” He smirked.
This…this isn’t happening! This isn’t really happening, it’s just a nightmare. A really vivid nightmare, but still a nightmare.
But even in her nightmares, Twilight didn’t want to become a demon. She continued to fight them, but this only made the woman hold her down tighter, immobilizing her legs so that all she could do was attack them with her voice, using offensive slogans that would’ve made the nobles of Canterlot faint with shock.
“You…how dare you! I am Princess Celestia’s personal student! She will smite you down for this!”
When that didn’t work, she tried pleading for herself, for her life and her status as a pony. “Please…please don’t do this…I don’t want to be a demon…please!”
“Don’t move.” The woman stated, ignoring Twilight’s pleas. Twilight didn’t listen, she continued to thrash around. Normally she wasn’t like this, but now she was completely helpless. So far, anger, pleading and begging hadn’t work; she had to think of something fast.
But the woman’s strength was overwhelming—she couldn’t move. All Twilight could do was watch as the awful parasite flailed above her in the air, held by the young boy, its gigantic sharp mandibles snapping in anticipation.
“PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA! ANYPONY, HELP ME!” Twilight screamed out their names, the crushing sense of hopelessness weighing down on her soul, “Somepony…please…help me…anypony…”
“We are.” The woman told him.
Then the young boy let the centipede go. It was falling towards her, cartwheeling through the air as though in slow motion, doing two full rotations as it came closer and closer to her.
It landed on her face. It felt cold and clammy, like an iceblock with one hundred legs. It was scuttling, sniffing across her nose, trying to seek out something but she didn’t know what. It wasn’t very big, only about ten centimetres, at the longest, but its gigantic mandibles were incredibly sharp and it was coming up to her right eye, so she was getting a good look at them—
And now it was biting into her eye. Its pincers were biting it, tearing off chunks out of it and she screamed murder because there was IT WAS DIGGING INTO HER EYE. Her head flew back and slammed against whatever it hit and she howled, howled until she was running low on oxygen and it turned into a high-pitched squealing.
I’m…I’m shrieking like a little filly…Rainbow Dash would have a field day with this. Said a tiny part of her brain that was strangely rational about the whole thing.
She was crying now, crying with her good eye, and silently begging for the princesses to help her. She tried to wipe at her tears with her hoof, but her legs were pinned down to her sides. She tried to wriggle her head left and right but it had little effect other than giving her a debilitating headache. She kept on screaming, as the centipede burrowed further until it had burrowed through her eye, and until she couldn’t see with it no longer.
She wailed with renewed vigour at the horrible, unspeakable, unforgettable, excruciating agony.
There was pain in her mouth, just as there was pain anywhere else, and the dimly rational part of her mind informed her that she had bitten her tongue clean in half, so that was rendered mute as well as half blind.
She was convulsing, still shaking. Ever part of her was opening wide in horror, but she was too preoccupied to notice. She couldn’t breathe. She was dying, down her neck and into her hooves, and her mouth screeched incoherently as she tried to will herself to die, to sleep, to just let this pain to end.
But it wouldn’t happen. She was wide awake.
She thought of her parents, the friends and her mentor. Their names became a mantra in an attempt to distance her from the pain. Mother! Father! Shining Armor! Princess Celestia! Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie!
Her strength and her soul was flowing out of her. Everything was flowing out of her. Her identity, personality, magic and mind…it was all leaving with her increasingly desperate gasps for air. She was dying. The pain would end, everything would stop and the nightmare would be over.
She regretted leaving the ones she loved behind. The gates of the underworld were waiting for her, ready to swallow her up and leave no trace of her existence behind. She didn’t know where she was, but she knew that if she died here, nopony would know.
She didn’t know when she lost unconsciousness. She was unaware that her old self was now gone from the world, just as the world had gone from her. She had flowed out of her body, leaving an empty shell that writhed, gurgled and finally…
After it was all over, the two figures stared down above her, their expressions unreadable.
“Looks like a success.” The old woman said to the young boy, “I never doubted you, young Master. It’s clear that you can see something in her that the others cannot, least of all that abominable princess. Let us leave her here. Her trial begins now…”
The boy looked up at the woman, and whispered something into her ear.
“Yes, I agree. We must move quickly, or everything will be delayed…”
She looked down at the pony in front of her, knowing that right know, Twilight was in her nightmares.
“Sleep well, young Demi-Fiend. My master expects great things on you…”
Sever your bonds. Bury your compassion. Devour your enemies.
Beyond this beaten path lies the world of your choosing.
Welcome to the world of Megami Ibunroku Equestria.
(So yeah I guess a new story is coming soon. Do await Megami Ibunroku Equestria: The Merge.)
So the proofreading for Shin Equus Tensei is done (at least to my mediocre standards). I've made a few changes to the story, which I will list some below.
-COMPs have been replaced by upgraded mobile phones. This is because phones are less conspicuous than handheld game consoles with two screens. Also, COMPs are also inconvenient to carry around and harder to use.
-Berry Punch's swearing has been cut down. Too much f-words for my liking.
-Bon-Bon has been omitted. In retrospect, introducing her was a bad idea (I don't want to introduce too many characters at once). She'll now become a part of a certain future social link.
-The special district numbers have changed.
-Queen Solaris is now Queen Lumina.
-Fixed numerous grammatical and formatting errors.
-Dubhe alien ice cream is best ice cream. It tastes like rainbows and bubblegum.
If you guys find anything strange or wrong, don't be afraid to notify me.
<Going to write the next chapter now>
Shin Equus Tensei will go on a little hiatus while I proofedit previous chapters and plan the next stages. Sorry for anybody waiting.