Now, I warn you, please do not read this if you're going to;
A. Tell me to get the fuck over myself
B. Tell my life isn't that bad
C. Try and say your life is worse.
Because I know I need to do option A, that option B is truth, and I'm the cause of most of my problems, and with C....well, I really don't want to hear your shit, because I'm a selfish motherfucker.
Let's do dis.
I'm only putting this here as a place to vent.
As a side thought/question,
I wonder if grimdark/gore is still ridiculed? I have some pretty nice ideas....or at least, I think I do. I just need to find the time to get them down on paper.
I am so fucking tired.
So /fucking/ tired.
Of this bullshit. If there was a God, he has put upon me a minor curse of Cain, who was doomed to wander. No matter where I am, I feel out of place. I have no group of friends, and kind of drift and try to avoid any social situations that would occur. To top it off, I hear people say shit about me. Not often, mind you, but enough to where it's worrisome to me. Calling me, and I quote five people here, a tumor who won't go away. See, whenever someone says it to my face, I either act like I don't care, or I genuinely don't care. There are two exceptions to the latter; if the person saying it was a "friend" at one point, or if they'd let me on to think they could've become a friend.
The fault goes both ways. I'm flamboyant, that's no secret, but it tends to make people dislike me. It makes it so I can't merge into groups, partly because of my personality, partly because of that fucking insecure feeling I get when I join a group that's been the same way for months and/or years.
The internet is where I'm worth something. There have been a grand total of 3 people that I've met that were my internet friends, and those people gradually grew to dislike me. This causes so much cynicism it's ridiculous. I want to see all my online friends, so bad it makes my heart hurt like hell. On the other hand, I'm overridden with fear. History has repeated itself countless times over, what's to say this time'll be any different?
Suicide keeps streaking across my mind. It'd be so easy, I could plan it out so I don't fail. But there's an industrial-sized, metaphorical chain blocking it. That being the friends I've made online. I can't leave them, but it hurts more and more living in this hell. Semester's coming to an end, and my teachers have made it clear they won't accept my late work. I have just successfully failed every single class for my first semester. Meanwhile, my brother's getting a fucking PhD in philosophy, my only reality friend left has already been accepted to his dream school with a 4.2 GPA, and I'm sitting here, doing jack shit with my life. I'm going to coast it. My parents said if I fail, I lose all internet and phone access. If I suddenly disappear, it's because of that.
I'm sick of this life, and I feel like it's got me by the balls, and I can't seem to do anything about it. My parents /still/ refuse to help their "faggot" and "disgraceful" son.
I'm happy I met every one of you. If something happens, I love you. I'll try the hardest that I can to come back, but it may not happen.