This is gonna be quite a ramble. So yeah, just letting you know. Turn back if you don't want to hear my unfiltered bullshit.

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It really has been a while since I did anything worth while, hasn't it? I don't write. It's been awhile since I did anything with the RP. Hell, I don't even do that many blogs, even though I claim to love writing and having my words heard so much. In all truth, I really don't know what I've been doing with my time. It's all just been quietly slipping away and I've only just watched as it did. Really, that was one of my first fears, if you'll try to believe that. Being afraid of all the time I've lost. That thought's been the one real thing that haunted me for the longest time.

I don't remember my age when it first hit me, but I do know that it was the first time I heard the song "Dust in the Wind". When I listened and heard the lyrics, it was really the first time I was ever filled with dread. Now granted, I saw my share of scary movies (the one that still traumatizes me to this day being "Eight Legged Freaks"), but when I heard that song, when I found out what it was really saying, I feared nothing more than "every single second of my life was ticking away and being wasted", to put it simply.

My mind was sure to remind me that, even though I was so young when I heard it, I really only had so little time here. And ever since then I counted every second and dreaded that what I did was a waste of that 'oh-so-precious' thing we call Time. In truth, I can confidently say that this fear stopped me from doing a lot of things; things that would've been nice to at least try.

I don't know why I let this fear still haunt me. I've tried to simply think to myself "It's not what you do, it's how you feel", but that doesn't bring me any hope or happiness. I've tried to accept that I'll never do anything with my life, and it's only made things worse. By trying to take on both sides of the spectrum, I've yet to improve at all. I must ask "Why?".

Am I just meant to live a life of hopelessness, watching the clock as I confirm to myself that "Yes, you're 16 years old and the only two things you've ever received an award for were for being really good at Math during the 4th Grade, and winning a Soul Calibur tournament in 2007 in some anime-con(and even then, it turned out that it was partially rigged by my dad)." I know it's a bad way to look at life when you're measuring its quality on how many awards you've received, but really, that's the only things I've ever accomplished at all. Awards or no awards.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've tried to better my standings. I've tried to go out and make things better for myself but, to put it in a way that makes the most sense to myself, it's all over hyped. Life is, really.

"Going out with a girl that I really liked for a while?" It was boring and I lost the infatuation after really getting to know her, even after spending sixty very-hard earned/hard saved dollars on various things and activities throughout the day.

"Theme parks? Everyone loves those!" Been on one Super-Man, been on them all. That's how I feel every time I go on new rides, really. And that's how how feel more so when I get off. Plus, even though I'm afraid of heights, the safety restraints, all those bars, and the enormous amount of people riding them every day just remind me that there was never any danger or excitement to being with. It would've shown by now.

"Video Games? Try some new genres. How about buying some new releases instead the old dribble you play every day." Well, everything nowadays is just disappointing, really. I'm not saying that old games were the superior product, I'm saying that the game never amounts to any of the hype its received. Not for me, at least. Every new game I get always has me hoping for some "Wow-Factor", or to get me really immersed, or even get me nodding my head and saying "Yeah, I like that", but I've yet to find a game that "wows" me; new games constantly break my concentration and kick me out of the immersion that I so desperately need right now; and as for that quote? I don't recall saying that once this year.

"How about going online and doing something you've never done before, like... how about a DnD/RP thing? About uh... Ponies! And... Fallout! Yeah, you'll love it!" Yeah, well, it turns out that even though it's pretty cool to start one up and have a fountain for all my neat ideas, but in the later stages, it wears me down. It tears at my time. And it gets me doubting myself more than ever. Also, I have this sort of paranoia I have, that I just really suck and everyone's playing along just to laugh at all the shit I write up. That's what I think, truthfully. Really, running an RP is a very energy-consuming task when you're doing nearly EVERYTHING on your own. This is also kind of the same argument for writing, too...

Really, I could do this all day. "Hanging out with family/friends" "Getting a job" "Working out and bettering myself" "Traveling" "Sports", it's all the same. All of it has stopped giving me joy. I've slowly but surely stopped having that wonderful, filling sensation of happiness in my gut like I used to.

Really, when I said that "Nothing Is Fun Anymore", this is what I meant. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I'm no longer happy with anything. Everything new I try that promises me happiness, fulfillment, or fun ends up being or making me sad, wasteful, or bored/boring. I just miss that awesome feeling of "goodness" that overtakes your gut when you win something or do something worthwhile and it pays off. I just haven't felt that in forever, no matter what I do. And really, it sucks.

So yeah, there's my thoughts. Analyse them as you will. I'll take any insight if anyone has some to offer, really. I'm basically a lost soul right now. Drifting from activity to activity without much of any emotion. I just need... something. I don't know what, though. In all truth, I just want somebody to tell me.