JohnPerry

Joined October 2011
735 followers
84,869 story views
8h, 16m ago

For lack of a creative handle.

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Too Brilliant For Me To Have Written

  • Letters from a Senior to a Junior Changeling A series of notes sent to a young changeling in the field by her superior. by Chris 9,395 words · 1,259 views · 145 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Daring Do Bakes a Cake Dinner with Daring Do and her mother. by Lucky Dreams 6,365 words · 3,188 views · 204 likes · 4 dislikes
  • Lost Cities North of Canterlot, in the far marches of the Equestrian lands near the border with the Griffon tribes, there is a mountain that flies. by Cold in Gardez 7,144 words · 3,885 views · 617 likes · 6 dislikes
  • The Writing on the Wall Beneath the earth rests something beyond equine understanding. by Horse Voice 6,207 words · 7,842 views · 371 likes · 7 dislikes
  • Pears Pinkie Pita lives in Vanhoover, works at a pita shop, and has no family to speak of. She hates pears, and she has no idea why. [No overt spoilers for "Pinkie Apple Pie", but you won't get the story if you haven't seen the episode. by Aquaman 4,525 words · 282 views · 51 likes · 5 dislikes

(More Stuff) Too Brilliant For Me To Have Written

  • Promised Land Twilight Sparkle has walked the wastelands for a very long time, but now, at last, he has reached the end of his journey. He only hopes now that the gods will listen to his prayers, and finally allow him a good place to die. by Obselescence 7,054 words · 3,883 views · 722 likes · 19 dislikes
  • The Best Night Ever Grand Galloping Gala meets Groundhog Day time-loop by Capn_Chryssalid 53,935 words · 30,615 views · 3,323 likes · 46 dislikes
  • When the Levee Breaks Daring Do returns home one final time. by Cynewulf 6,581 words · 1,318 views · 154 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Harmony An adaptation of BioShock for the world of MLP, starring several OCs and the entire Mane cast. by Aquaman 103,530 words · 9,210 views · 793 likes · 27 dislikes

Wacky Stories Too Hilarious For Me To Have Written

  • Certain Advantages When Dash makes Spike bet on this year's Sisterhooves Social, she's sure she can't lose... right? by The Descendant 12,055 words · 14,981 views · 1,688 likes · 22 dislikes
  • A Slice of Life Surely the End of Equestria. Lock the cupboards and barricade the fridge! It's the Royal Diet! by Dawnscroll 87,905 words · 33,581 views · 2,121 likes · 41 dislikes
  • Sparkle's Law Twilight slowly loses her mind as preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration go horribly wrong. by AestheticB 17,765 words · 26,855 views · 1,079 likes · 15 dislikes
  • Nineteen Neighty-Four 1984 pony style! by Blueshift 8,346 words · 9,130 views · 816 likes · 11 dislikes
  • The Mailmare Derpy Hooves attends the annual magic users convention in Canterlot. by theamberfox 56,722 words · 11,073 views · 227 likes · 13 dislikes

My Best Stuff

  • Go West, Young Mare An older Daring Do, restless and pensive, is called out west by a figure from her past. by JohnPerry 10,180 words · 680 views · 86 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Do Changelings Dream of Herding Sheep? Daring Do ventures into the desert chasing changelings, but uncovers a dark secret... by JohnPerry 11,720 words · 6,557 views · 196 likes · 4 dislikes
  • Maybe Some ponies never change. Prince Blueblood is one of them. by JohnPerry 7,812 words · 2,875 views · 274 likes · 3 dislikes
  • The Final Quest of Star Swirl the Bearded The last journey of an unusual wizard and the role he played in the founding of Equestria. by JohnPerry 64,492 words · 3,090 views · 190 likes · 2 dislikes
  • The Wreck A.K. Yearling is haunted by dreams of a shipwreck... by JohnPerry 13,126 words · 237 views · 50 likes · 0 dislikes

The Mission: Implausible Series!

  • Mission: Implausible Octavia and Vinyl Scratch: Musicians and secret agents. by JohnPerry 31,111 words · 9,207 views · 649 likes · 7 dislikes
  • You Only Live Twice Secret agents Vinyl and Octavia reunite to tackle a threat to Canterlot. by JohnPerry 36,476 words · 3,118 views · 324 likes · 2 dislikes
  • The West Is Not Enough Secret agents Vinyl Scratch and Octavia find themselves locked in an epic struggle against a ruthless group of outlaws in the wild west. by JohnPerry 29,047 words · 2,284 views · 306 likes · 6 dislikes
  • When the Curtain Falls An incident in a Manehattan theater quickly draws secret agents Vinyl Scratch and Octavia into a hunt for a strange killer. by JohnPerry 36,535 words · 2,143 views · 248 likes · 4 dislikes
Jul
22nd
2014

In the early days of the year 2013, an enterprising FIMFiction member with the decidedly unoriginal name “-Twilight-Sparkle-“ was livid at the fact that the website had taken its feature box off the site’s banner, which made it visible only on the front page. That member started a group called “Bring back The Feature Box,” whose manifesto read as such:

This group wants The Feature Box back on every page.

I believe that The Box was an important tool for not only finding the latest trending stories, but was also a good way of finding a story that would be likable without looking for one.

The admins think that the removal of The Box will encourage people to look for new stories instead of just reading what everyone else is reading, the truth is that people will just go to the front page if they want to read those stories.  This is not an effective means to an end.  The Feature Box's removal mainly affects people like me.  With where the box was I saw it every time I went to a new page, and sometimes one of the stories would catch my eye, so I put it on the read later pile.  I typicality enjoyed the story as it would have to be a good story to make it to The Box.

Over a year and a half later, long after any activity in the group had ceased, another FIMFiction member, who was obsessed with the feature box in his own right, happened across the group. He soon decided it would make for an amusing anecdote, particularly if it was done in the narrative style of a popular historical documentary series.

”Never have I seen someone be so wrong on so many levels about so trivial a thing.”

-John Perry


Experiments in Determining Alicorn Growth by Pen Stroke

What I see: Twilight, after becoming an alicorn, finds her plain unicorn magic has been increased drastically. Yet, she wonders about the other kinds of pony magic? She should have the natural talents of all three clans in equal measure. So, to test this hypothesis and to see how much she's changed, Twilight begins an experiment. She enlists the aid of Applejack and Rainbow Dash to provide the tests, and pulls in an unsuspecting Lyra to be the control group.

Let the experiment begin.

Judging by its cover: Pen Stroke, eh? It’s been a while since I’ve seen him in the featured box. Which is a little surprising, given that he is still far and away FIMFiction’s most followed member. For bronydom’s most famous author, Pen Stroke seems to have a knack for staying out of the limelight.

Thoughts coming out: Maybe it’s just me (okay, obviously it’s just me), but this fic just didn’t seem to have a real hook to it.

Now, to be fair, this story was apparently written over the course of three hours, during which Pen Stroke invited people to watch him write it in a google doc and offer suggestions. As such, it wouldn’t really be fair for me to hold it to a high standard.

But even if I can’t judge it by standards of writing quality, I can still judge it in terms of overall entertainment. In that regard, it just kinda falls flat for me. For better or for worse, it lacks that fervent spontaneity that, say, Fimfiction Writes Ponies! had. While there is a charm to its simple concept and some of the humor is good, it just feels too calm and tell-y for ideal spur-of-the-moment writing. Grammatically, there are surprisingly few errors, but I think for something like this I would have preferred a rougher work if it meant a more fast-paced and wackier story.

Who would like this: In the end, this work was an experiment, and a big part of experimentation is failure – or at very least, less than ideal results. From a technical standpoint, I find what Pen Stroke managed here to be quite impressive (4,200+ words in three hours is far beyond anything I’m capable of). But beyond that, there isn’t really anything notable about the story itself for me to recommend it, save for a few quick laughs.


Tornado Warning by Thyrai

What I see: No culture exists without taboos. When not one, but two particularly forbidden desires grip at the heart of Twilight Sparkle, a tough choice presents itself: betray herself or betray the trust of her people?

Judging by its cover: A three-way shipfic? Without the Sex tag? What is this nonsense?

Thoughts coming out: I don’t have much of a problem with a story suggesting that Equestria is relatively intolerant of homosexuality. It doesn’t really jive with my image of what Equestria is, but hey, that’s why we have the term “head-canon.”

That said, if you’re going to go that route, you might as well commit to it, and this story doesn’t really seem to want to so far. The notion that homosexuality is not widely accepted is treated more as an abstraction than anything else in the first chapter; an inconvenience that is obviously going to be used to introduce plot tension later on. But right now, all of the Mane Six seem totally accepting of homosexuals, so there don’t seem to be any actual stakes yet.

However, I will give credit to this story for some technically solid writing. The characterization of everyone is surprisingly good for a shipfic so far, and while the pacing of the story hasn’t quite found its mark, this seems to be setting up to be a better example of romance fics than I’m used to seeing in the featured box.

Who would like this: I wouldn’t recommend this unless you’re already naturally inclined to shipfics. But if you are, particularly of this threesome, I’d say give it a shot and see if it turns out to be something good as future chapters come out.


Island in the Sea of Equus by AK47Productions

What I see: January 15th, 2014. At 1:30 AM, a veil of light spans across the United States of America. As the citizens stare in amazement at what is certainly a once in a lifetime phenomenon, the entire country is ripped physically out of it's place on Earth and sent to a new world, a world known as Equus. Now with 312 million Humans and their country trapped in completely unknown territory with no way home, they must do what Humanity has done for centuries that has allowed it to become a force of nature. Adapt, Survive, and Overcome.

Judging by its cover: So if I’m understanding the premise of this story correctly, the entirety of the United States – and nothing else – got dropped into the pony world.

This notion makes me laugh, because I’m picturing a giant America-shaped chunk of land smack on top of Equestria. It also begs a question: did Alaska and Hawaii come with? What about the territories, like Puerto Rico? Are they now caught in some weird limbo between Earth and Equestria?

Then again, Equestria is basically already the pony version of the USA. Honestly, besides some cosmetic changes, I doubt anyone will even notice a difference.

I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for an appropriate moment to use this image.

Thoughts coming out: So we open our story with scenes from across the planet of Americans witnessing a strange light in the night sky. First with TSA agents in an airport in Boston, then soldiers at a U.S. Army base in Afghanistan… where for some reason it’s also night at the exact same time despite the fact that it’s on the other side of the planet, but I digress…

Despite most people thinking that the general geography of Afghanistan being nothing more than endless desert, the country actually had several mountains and fields, reminded the young man of home a little when he had the time to reflect.

…Wow. “Several mountains and fields”. Just… Wow.

Someone show this to Cold in Gardez, I’m sure he’d be stunned by the clearly accurate representation of Afghanistan here. Several mountains and fields. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that about sums it all up. Hey, while we’re at it, I hear that Switzerland’s got a few hills.

Seaman Charles Murphy was on the deck of the USS Kearsarge running routine maintenance on a HH-60H, the night breeze feeling refreshing to him. Most of his day had been spent either helping maintain or refuel three of the four AV-8B Harrier II V/STOLs or the six SH-60F “Oceanhawk" and HH-60H “Rescue Hawk” helicopters currently assigned to the Kearsarge or repairing about three hallways worth of light bulbs all around the ship.

For fuck’s sake, man, you can rattle off the names of military vehicles yet you can’t be bothered to invest more effort into your description of an entire country than “several mountains and fields”?

Anyway, prior to reading I was mildly amused by the premise of the continental United States suddenly appearing in Equestria, but these scenes of Americans vanishing in Afghanistan seems to be setting up a scenario where all Americans, anywhere in the world, are traveling to Equestria. This premise troubles me for a whole bunch of reasons: Why exactly is this magical force operating on the basis on such relatively arbitrary limitations as political boundaries? What happens if you’re a foreigner who happens to be in the USA at that moment? Is this like the rapture, except instead of fundamentalist Christians your only requirement for ascension is to be an American? If so, do you have to be a native-born American, or an American citizen? I guess it would be citizen, since this magic is operating on the basis of political boundaries… but then what happens to people who have dual citizenship?

Who would like this: No but seriously, this story sucks.


Twilight Verbs Article Nouns by Lapis-Lazuli and Inky J

What I see: Twilight Sparkle is tired of this nonsense.

Every day, a slew of articles all focused on the minute details of her life invade her beloved newspapers.  "Twilight Sparkle Eats Peaches." "Twilight Sparkle Hates Tea." "Twilight Sparkle Uses a Microwave." "Twilight Sparkle Makes Toast." All of it clogging up her precious sources of information from cities across Equestria.

But no more. The time has come to put an end to it, once and for all.

Judging by its cover: Sounds like some good ol’ ribbing of FIMFic tropes. In fact, at least some of those titles in the description are real fics, if I’m not mistaken. Well, I’m game.

Thoughts coming out: There is a really nice simple charm to this concept, and some of the jokes do manage to hit home. That said, for the most part this reads more like a smattering of random meta humor than anything else. The plot is a tad nonsensical, and while the characterization of everyone is okay, this story tends to sacrifice logic or a clear focus for the sake of another meta joke.

Who would like this: Still, there are some rather entertaining moments in here, so if you’re not turned off by lots of meta humor and don’t mind a little nonsense, I’d mildly recommend this one.


Prominence by TheOldPonyFromScene24

What I see: Princess. Alicorn. The pillar of all ponykind, against which so many ponies often judged themselves. Celestia hates having to constantly be these things, and it's past  time for a break. Luna will watch over Equestria while her sister is gone, but taking a break from your duties and taking a break from how the world sees you are two very different matters. Enter Prominence, a quiet pony who nopony really pays much mind to. Perhaps because she doesn't exist.

Aided by this disguise, Celestia will find her peace and relaxation in the home of one of the few ponies who know Prominence's true identity: Princess Twilight Sparkle. But when Twilight begins to see Celestia as a pony, and not a princess, can she deal with the feelings that arise? And are the feelings for Celestia, or for a pony she knows is not actually real?

Judging by its cover: Hoo boy. Sounds like Sunny Skies All Day Long except as a shipfic. Well, let’s see how this goes.

Thoughts coming out: It’s a shame, because the first (and so far only) chapter of this story starts out really strong, going with the more slice of life premise of Celestia showing up in disguise as a rather timid mare, and doing a pretty good job of it. But, before long, we take a hard left at the shipyards and by chapter’s end Twilight is panicking at the thought of having romantic desires toward Celestia, a development that seems to come out of fuckin’ nowhere.

One chapter in and we’re already dealing with this crap. And it was doing so well, too! It really looked for a bit there like we were going to get a nice, slow build-up that would properly develop such a relationship to the point of believability. But alas, it seems that it is not to be.

Who would like this: Twilestia fans, I suppose.


”Go Buck Yourself” by Fire Gazer the Alchemist

What I see: It's been a rough five months working for Suri Polomare.  At first Coco thought she was just a bit demanding, but once Fashion Week came around her boss reveals how nasty she really is.  When she hears about Suri's awful scheme to steal the trophy from Rarity, Coco snaps.  

She snaps hard.

Judging by its cover: We all relish the thought of standing up to our bosses, don’t we? We all crave the notion that one day, pushed to the limit, we’d finally cast aside our normal timidity and fear for loss of income, stand up to our evil overlords, and throw their stupid crap right back at them before strutting away, smug grin upon our face as we resist the temptation to turn around and admire the awestruck, humbled visage of a half-brained petty tyrant who has just felt the sting of justice, right?

Of course we do. The real question is, can you make a good story out of it?

Thoughts coming out: …Apparently not.

Seriously, this is nothing more than the immediate setup to Coco standing up to her boss (which itself is mostly exposition relating the events of the Manehattan episode) followed by Coco snapping and cursing her boss out. It’s less of a story and more of a single scene, lacking the context and full build-up that is required to make you really feel Coco’s triumph here.

Who would like this: There’s always an appeal to the concept of telling off your boss and quitting your horrible soul-sucking job, but Office Space this is not.


The Second Coming of Fluttershy by Akumokagetsu

What I see: Fluttershy is an ordinary mare, or at least she thinks so.

There happens to be an entire religious cult that thinks very much otherwise, and she's having quite a bit of difficulty convincing them that she isn't actually adorable divinity.

Judging by its cover: Hey, it’s Akumo. What do you got on the docket for me today?

Thoughts coming out: A whole lotta nuthin’, apparently.

Okay, that’s not entirely fair. There is a funny idea in here, but frankly, you might as well just go watch Monty Python’s Life of Brian, because this is more or less just a shoddy parody of that. …With more grammar mistakes and inconsistent spacing between paragraphs.

Who would like this: Eh, there just isn’t enough here to really warrant recommending this one. If you want a funny story about one of the main characters suddenly being worshipped as a deity, try The Descendant’s Children of a Lesser Dragon Boy Guy God Whatever The Heck The Title Is. That’s a much better story.


MATURE STORIES

(Don't worry, there's nothing too explicit posted below, and no direct links to mature content are provided. But fair warning if you tend to avoid this stuff.)


The Trials of a Necromantic Equestria by Taelea

What I see: During the war against the evil Caribou Nation, Equestria found themselves on the precipice of conquering their dark foe. But in a desperate gambit, the Caribou Nation activated a series of new weapons: magical weapons of mass destruction. Theromagical warheads that could obliterate a city and leave its inhabitants as blocks of carbonized flesh. Biomagical weapons that can choke an entire city of life. In one, savage attack, sixty percent of ponykind is wiped out. The Princesses, injured and broken, captured and enslaved, impaled alive in front of their subjects or trapped in cages to watch the mass execution of their ponies.

For twenty years, Twilight Sparkle has watched her home die around her from the inside of her cage. Twenty years alone with her genius mind. Twenty years to think about magic. She has a plan.

Now, with an army of vengeful, undead ponies at her back, can Twilight retake all of what was lost? And more than that... can she restore Equestria, or will she truly be the Queen of the Damned?

Judging by its cover: Damn it, is this a sequel to something? I’m not much liking the sound of this.

Thoughts coming out: Yeah, this wasn’t really my cup of tea. These giant epic bloody war fics almost never are, to be honest. This one in particular feels rather rushed and so far didn’t leave much of an impact on me. Perhaps it was because I didn’t read the prequel to this, but I was still able to grasp the circumstances in this story easily enough. There just isn’t much oomph to the prose here.

Who would like this: If you were a fan of the prequel to this, that’s probably good enough for you. Otherwise, no need to bother.


Suppressed by Togashi

What I see: Puberty is tough for any foal, but when a Unicorn's magic starts developing at the same time, Dinky finds out just how hard life can be.

Luckily she has a loving mother, and Derpy just can't stand to see her foal suffer.

Judging by its cover: ...Let's just get this over with.

Thoughts coming out: Ah, man… dude, look, bad enough you wrote foalcon, but if you’re also gonna include futa, you gotta give some warning.

The writing in this is pretty dang sloppy. There are weird perspective shifts, the occasional misspelling, and even some misused words. However, despite the amateurish writing, I did cringe quite a bit while reading this, so it did at least get an emotional reaction out of me (even if that emotional reaction was something along the lines of “Yech”), something that has become rarer and rarer with each new clopfic I read. So I’ll give it credit for that, but nothing else.

Who would like this: I don’t recommend this whatsoever. I suppose the morbidly curious who are drawn to the foul might be interested, but then they’re not waiting on my opinion anyway, so I’ll just say don’t read it.


Fall of Equestria: Bruised Apples by Schorl Tourmaline

What I see: After the caribou took over Equestria Big Mac and Applejack find that life is not as easy it once was. With their former family and friends conforming to the caribou ideal that all females are nothing more than property and sex objects the two find themselves alone in a world gone mad. As Mac tries to find some stability between obeying caribou law so he can keep his sister relatively safe and trying to keep to his own morals he finds that it is not that simple as Applejack's stubbornness and pride keeps getting her in trouble.

Judging by its cover: Oof, going out strong, are we? And how the hell did I get two caribou-related stories in the mature box on the same day?

Thoughts coming out: I had the misfortune of coming across one of these Fall of Equestria stories on my very first feature box post (what a way to pop my cherry), but if you're not familiar with the basic concept, the author of this fic sums it all up rather neatly:

All of Equestria was under new rule, that of the caribou and their king. It all happened so fast. The caribou invaded the capital city of Canterlot, rounded up all the mares there and stripped them of their clothing, their freedom, and their dignity. They captured the princesses that had ruled over the ponies for more than a thousand years and reduced them to sex slaves.

It's always a good sign when an author can distill events of such heartache, terror, and violence into bland summaries that read like they came out of a particularly dull history textbook.

EDIT: You know what, I crossed a line here. I went beyond criticizing the story and went all the way to attacking the authors and readers of the stories of this verse for the sake of a cheap joke, which upon a few moments of further reflection (and brief panicking) am now realizing is in clear violation of the site rules and the standards I thought I had for myself. So let me just say that this story prompted a very visceral and angry reaction out of me.

Who would like this: Fuck everything.


Twilight grinned. "I enjoy eating the homework of naughty little foals who try to cheat, and hay fries seasoned with the tears of the unworthy."

-Twilight Verbs Article Nouns

JohnPerry · 400 views · Edited 3d, 4h ago · Report

Comments

#1265974 · 1w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1209508 Why is the Featured Box male? :twilightoops:

#1265961 · 1w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1265956 You're welcome. :pinkiehappy:

#1265956 · 1w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>1265052 Yep, roadrunners are dicks. Clever little bastards...

I don't remember Santa Fe having that many tall buildings, though. :derpytongue2:

Thanks for sharing that!

#1265052 · 1w, 5d ago · · ·

You at all familiar with Dan Vs.

#1224994 · 5w, 1d ago · · ·

Fascinating.

5 1652
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