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What I see: Spy.
Severus Snape was known as many things. But right now, he was just confused.
"And just...what are you all supposed to be?"
Judging by its cover: …Okay, I’ll bite. How does Snape wind up in Equestria?
Also, do you get the feeling that that cover image was taken from a Harry Potter fanfic with the same name? Actually, for all we know, this could be posted on a Harry Potter fan fiction website somewhere. It could totally be within the rules of... I dunno, "Wizard Writing" or whatever the HP equivalent of FIMFiction is. Come to think of it, I wonder if any of these crossovers I’ve read have been posted on a respective site for the other fandom.
Thoughts coming out: So we open with this line:
Death is a funny thing. Everybody has an idea of what it is, but nobody has a clue who's right.
Don’t people say the same thing about love? You can also say the same of the future. Also war, at least among non-soldiers. Also, Marmite. No one actually knows what it is, right? Do you know what it is?
Yeah, I thought not.
Anyway, a premise like this soars or flops on how well Snape is written, and I’m sad to say that this is the fic’s greatest failing. Snape here is just your everyday snarky teenager… pretty much the epitome of a SQUID, actually (Snarky Quippy Undeveloped Irritating Douchebag, for my newer followers). None of the depth of Snape is here, nor his calm, collected, and intelligent manner. In fact, the whole thing is rather insulting to his character; he’s being a straight-up dick so far, so I’m guessing the story is going to be about him learning the magic of friendship. But he was redeemed in the last Harry Potter. He died for that redemption. Why does he have to go through all this crap too?
Who would like this: Meh, it’s just not worth it. The only novelty here is if you’re a Harry Potter fan, but if you are a Harry Potter fan you probably wouldn’t like it for its treatment of Snape. So… just skip it, really.
What I see: Blank Slate is the greatest thief of his generation. He has robbed countless nigh-impossible marks, and his talents as a master of disguise are beyond par - truly, nopony knows who he is.
And now he's preparing the greatest heist in mortal memory: the treasure vaults of the Princesses themselves.
But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past the pony who defines when ‘early in the morning’ is…
Judging by its cover: Yeah, okay. I could see this being interesting.
Thoughts coming out: This one’s not bad. In fact, it’s actually quite good. But the strength of this story lies entirely in its ending, which I won’t spoil here but will say makes this whole story totally worth it. Basically, the premise of this story is that a thief has turned himself in and is telling his story of how he almost stole the royal jewels (or whatever it was, it doesn’t really matter) before he met Celestia. Everything up to the ending is pretty straightforward and generic, and the thief’s character arc isn’t all that interesting, but damn does this one stick the landing.
Who would like this: If you’re looking for something with deep meaning or a more introspective work, this isn’t that. But if you’re looking for a light, rather fun story, I totally recommend it – but you have to get to that ending for any pay off.
What I see: After a promising breakthrough with an experimental spell backfires in the worst way possible, Twilight finds herself in a cubed world where she must learn how to use the world around her to survive.
This is Minecraft, placed blocks are locked in place, broken blocks shrink in size to be carried, and mass has no meaning. The monsters are real, rotting zombies, terrifying hairy black spiders, tall lanky creepers are everywhere, and death is not an option.
Will Twilight learn to survive, or will she become something more?
Judging by its cover: The last line of the description befuddles me. Couldn’t Twilight survive and become something more? For that matter, how can there be much of an option between those two things? If she doesn’t survive, the only “something more” she’s going to become is “dead.”
But I digress. It’s Minecraft. Wee!
Thoughts coming out: Meh, it’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect. Twilight’s experiment goes awry and she winds up in Minecraft world, which functions exactly like the game. It’s… really straightforward storytelling. There’s little flair to the prose here, and it’s a bit tell-y at times. It’s nothing terrible, but it’s not very interesting either.
Who would like this: Minecraft fans might like this for getting to see Twilight interact with Steve, but don’t expect anything amazing out of this one.
What I see: Have you been reading a 'Human/Pony War' fic and been wondering how the ponies are putting up a fight with medieval level weapons and magic, while we have firearms, nuclear weapons, armies the size of their entire population and most importantly, years and years of perfecting the art of war. This is how an actual human/pony war would go.... with comedy.
Judging by its cover: You know what? I don’t think all our advanced weaponry and fighting experience will do much good against the force of magic. I think it could make for a long, epic struggle, but when you’re talking about an enemy that can shield itself, teleport at whim, and turn their enemies into frogs, my money is on the side with the magic. I, for one, welcome our new pony overlords.
This fic also has a nearly 3:1 up/downvote ratio, which might be the lowest I’ve ever seen in these reviews. Not a good sign going in.
Thoughts coming out: …
Well… that was, um… a thing. It was indeed a thing.
At first I had a hard time understanding where all the hate towards this fic is coming from. While I wouldn’t call this a good story by any stretch of the imagination, to me it just read like a poorly executed crackfic and nothing more. It doesn’t strike me as a trollfic, as intentionally trying to be bad, nor does it strike me as a pretentious message story or anything along those lines. This one was just… lazy. Really, really lazy. But that’s all.
But looking through the comments, I realized where all the hate was being generated. This story basically just became a giant excuse for Conversion Bureau lovers/haters, military junkies, and people with strong opinions about this scenario to lay out their own head canon and then get into arguments with each other over it or post random video clips. The story itself seems to have been forgotten in this mess.
Who would like this: Looking through the comment feed, there was one comment that seemed to accurately sum up this whole situation:
This is swill. And you know it's swill. No one is here for the story. They all head straight for the comments section to jerk their head canons off.
So there you have it. Come for the comments… then stay for the jerking off.
What I see: I'm in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of orifices I didn't know I had. Why am I there? Why is Rainbow Dash sitting in the corner?
Why is she crying?
Judging by its cover: Hmm… the author seems to be trying to keep the identity of the protagonist under wraps (ha ha I’m so witty), so I feel like the handling of that is going to be what makes this fic. Long as it’s not a sloppy self-insert, I can see this premise working.
Thoughts coming out: Three chapters in (which is all that’s posted so far) and I still don’t know who the protagonist is. Hmm. Well, fair enough. It doesn’t really take anything from the story.
That said, there’s not a whole lot to this story so far. The premise doesn’t really bring anything new to the table (horribly mangled guy wakes up in hospital and has to slowly recover his memories), and there’s not enough yet to see if the execution will be good enough. It just kinda… is, so far.
Who would like this: This is one of those “wait and see” stories. If you’re particularly intrigued by the premise, go ahead and give it a shot and see if it turns into something great, but otherwise I’d skip this one.
What I see: A visit from Applejack ends up bringing up some pretty tough questions for Spike, and unfortunately, he and Twilight disagree. Very strongly.
Spike must find a way to restore his faith in ponykind, and Twilight must find out the truth, and if possible, restore her faith in the solar sovereign of Equestria.
Judging by its cover: A sequel to something I haven’t read. Let’s see how this goes.
Thoughts coming out: I didn’t get very far into this one, just because the conflict here feels incredibly forced. Basically, the premise is that Spike and Twilight are talking, and in the conversation the matter of whether Princess Celestia has authority over the dragons comes up. Twilight says yes, Spike says no, and this somehow instantly blows up into a giant argument where Twilight says a bunch of dickish things, and then Spike starts going around being a general dick for no good reason. Yet somehow it’s all still Twilight’s fault.
Who would like this: Nah, I couldn’t get into this one. The fact that it was a sequel didn’t hurt matters here, it was just the general dickery the main characters quickly fall into that turned me off. If you can get past that, maybe you’ll want to give it a shot. Otherwise, don’t bother.
What I see: What would happen if My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic were to become a full length movie? Pure amazingness, that's what.
Now, what would happen if everyone's favorite director Michael Bay took the reins? Nothing good, that's for sure.
Judging by its cover: Hasn’t this already been done before?
*ten seconds of searching later*
Yep, knew it. You’re up against… well, maybe not a particularly high standard (it’s a funny story, but I wouldn’t exactly hold it up as the most inspired comedy I’ve seen), but a threshold has been set nonetheless.
Thoughts coming out: Ah, come on! Where’s the jingoistic ra-ra America stuff? Where’s all the military junk? Where are the overused slow-mo shots? Where’s the witty “urban” (read: black) character? Where’s the blatant product placement? Where are the muscle cars?!? There’s so much more to a Michael Bay flick that explosions and bad dialogue!
…Okay, maybe not much more, I’ll walk that one back.
Who would like this: Unfortunately, this one’s just not absurd enough to make it worthy of its premise. A valiant effort, author, but I’m going to have to recommend skipping this one.
(Don't worry, there's nothing too explicit posted below, and no direct links to mature content are provided. But fair warning if you tend to avoid this stuff.)
Absolute Power by Zamairiac
What I see: When Tobias breaks up with Celestia, he does so without truly understanding the consequences of such an act, that he had unknowingly brought about a dark side of her to the surface.
A dark side still so terribly hurt from her thousand years of solitude that her need and love for the young man is unbearably powerful.
A dark side that is all too willing to reveal that she would do ANYTHING to have him back in her hooves once more.
Anything, anything at all. Even if she has to wreck his life to do so.
And for a mare with absolute power and absolute authority. For a mare so beloved by all of her subjects, such a thing is very possible...and very easy.
As Tobias will learn, one cannot steal the heart of such a individual, shatter it into a thousand pieces and expect to walk away unscathed.
Not when the recipient still very much sees you as hers...
Judging by its cover: Wait, when who?
When Tobias breaks up with Celestia
Oh my god. Oh my god, I want that. Oh, oh why can’t I read that?! Oh Jesus, that would have been amazing!
Thoughts coming out: So super OOC Celestia is super possessive of our human protagonist in a sequel to a story I’ve never read. It went about as well as you think.
Who would like this: Oh man… I still want a HiE fic with Tobias Funke! There can be the awkward moment when Celestia finds out he’s a nevernude, and then the chapter where he dresses up as Mrs. Featherbottom, and then the chapter when he takes acting lessons from “Carl Withers” and SWEET JESUS SOMEONE JUST START WRITING THIS ALREADY
Forbidden Desires by The Abyss
What I see: Finding himself alone in Rainbow Dash’s home for a while, Soarin goes and roots through his marefriend’s panty drawer and comes across one of her 'toys'. Forgetting to keep an eye out for Rainbow in his lust-addled state of mind, he grabs a hoofful of the drawer's contents and starts messing around with them only to have her catch him in the act.
That is to say, he’s wearing her favorite pair of panties and has her vibrator stuck up his butt. Fortunately for him, she likes what she sees.
Judging by its cover: Remember dudes, chicks love it when you ruin their personal belongings. Especially when you smear your feces-coated butthole on their stuff. Chicks just dig that. It’s why whenever I meet a girl, the first thing I do is urinate on her shoes.
Yet for some reason, I still haven’t gotten laid. I just don’t get it.
Thoughts coming out: Here’s the first thing I saw when I opened this fic up:
“Hey Soarin, I’m gonna run to the market real quick and pick up a few things for dinner, alright?” Rainbow asked as she trotted towards the door, tightening her saddlebag around her back. Laying a hoof on the door’s handle, she smiled and glanced over her shoulder to see her coltfriend sprawled out on her couch.
Oh, come on. Does Rainbow Dash really strike you as the kind of girl who cooks? Nah, I ain’t buying it. She’s probably the kind of girl who would subsist on toast, energy bars, and pizza delivery. I’d add microwaved food to that, but that technology seems too advanced for Equestria.
Once he was certain she’d left, Soarin scrambled up off of the couch and trotted over to the window, smiling as he watched his marefriend fly towards Ponyville. “Finally!” he said, pumping a hoof in excitement. Opening his wings, he turned and flew up to Rainbow’s bedroom and landed right in front of her dresser.
Wait, you… you were waiting to raid her panty drawer? You… you were waiting for that?
Dude, you have the girlfriend! You have the actual girl! What do you need her panties for?! The panty raid is for kids who can’t get their dicks into the actual thing! You don’t need to do a panty raid when you have the actual thing! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Who would like this: Meh, the story’s pretty boring. It’s just what it says in the description, basically.
Diamond Tiara Gets Filthy by The Elusive Badgerpony
What I see: Diamond Tiara has always been able to get what she wants out of her father. For years, this involved slamming in the door and kicking and screaming her way until he finally conceded just to shut her up.
(Un?)fortunately, Filthy Rich got wise to these tactics as she grew older, and it was only a matter of years before it stopped working. So she changed her approach. Rather drastically.
And time after time, Filthy Rich has tried to resist, but much to his chagrin, giving in always turns out to not be so bad...
Judging by its cover: Incest, eh? Well, nothing I haven’t seen before.
I’m rather amused by the very insistent disclaimer in the description that this isn’t foalcon. I assumed as much from the description, thanks.
Thoughts coming out: Mmm… the Why Boner is strong in this one, I see.
This story perfectly captures the morbidly fascinating combination of alluring and disturbing that most incest stories fail to accomplish. It is a frightening, terrifying, enticing piece of fiction… which is entirely the point. The kind you don’t want to tear your eyes away from, yet shames you for your willingness to continue. The prose is colorful and vivid enough (though it does occasionally get a bit wordy, and it has a penchant for the unsubtle) that it compels you to keep reading and immerses you into the situation and these two broken characters.
To call this clop somehow feels demeaning. It is clop, but more than that, it’s a character study. A really, really disturbing character study.
Who would like this: Those who can swallow a difficult premise like this might want to give it a shot. The prose lends a certain pretentiousness to it at times, I won’t lie, but somehow that just makes it seem all the more fitting for these two characters. One thing’s for sure: Diamond Tiara has never seemed as menacing as she does here.
It was a steep plunge into the warm waters of depravity, a leap of faith I always was willing to take.
-Diamond Tiara Gets Filthy