Is there a stated rule anywhere, or even a suggestion for what we're supposed to blog about on this site? That's not a serious question. I'm pretty sure there isn't beyond the mandate that content not be illegal or otherwise upsetting, and if you're gonna talk about dirty stuff you gotta put it behind a nsfw cut? I try to keep my blogging to fanfic, or at least ponies, but I have to fight the occasional urge to just do random biopic crap that nobody cares about. I've already done that with my Tumblr, it really doesn't have anything to do with my actual fanfic anymore, I should save this one for talking about that.

I really want to turn the "Stranger" chapter of Comfy and Easy to Wear into something a little longer. As may be evidenced by the fact that I wrote a god damn My Little Pony and Aliens crossover I really like having the pones interact with big huge scary things. Thing was, dragging a random original character out of another dimension and into Equestria doesn't really feel organic to the setting. Well, I guess now it does now that we know Celestia has magic mirrors serving as interdimensional portals in her basement, but I think the fewer story cues I take from Equestria Girls the better.

I think I have an idea for an OC I can work into the setting better though. I just have to hope that people will be positively inclined towards a story about an OC. Well, I'll worry about that when I get to it, I'm not taking on any big projects until I finish Distance. Which is going about as slowly as I expected and much more so than I'd like, but I'm still plugging along. I keep having existential crisises in the middle of it though, reading other Twilestia fics that are infinitely more awesome than anything I could ever hope to accomplish and second guessing everything I write. I gotta work through that! I might rewrite the first chapter a little bit. I don't know. I liked the tone, but now that I'm writing some more involved scenes between characters I'm starting to realize that my tendency to avoid an omniscient narrative style kind of hinders my portrayal of emotion. I'd like to have the characters express what they're feeling through their actions and words during a conversation instead of relying on "Twilight felt x and Celestia though y and then they started to lick each others' z". But... I'm not very good at it. Oh well, practice makes perfect.

Thanks for listening to me ramble about this, it makes me feel a lot better to get this stuff out and write it down. At least I'm writing something...

Six ponies sat around the table in Rarity's den, each of them concentrating on the playing cards in their hooves. Fluttershy's ear twitched a bit as she tapped her hoof on a pile of chips.

"... you know," she said carefully, "he's been in there an awfully long time."

The other ponies looked up from their cards in surprise, blinking at the sweet cream colored pegasus. She blushed and sank down in her seat just a little bit.

"He really has," said Rainbow Dash, "feels like it's been months, even."

"Someone should go check up on him," said Applejack.

Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle just turned to look at Rarity. Her eyebrows slowly lowered in a titanic scowl.

"Why does it have to be-"

"Your house"

"Fine! I hope you all get papercuts."

Rarity placed her cards facedown on the table and trotted across the room and down the hall. Pausing at her bathroom door, she took a deep breath, and then very softly knocked. "Friendly Uncle? Are you alright in there?"

Somewhere in the room beyond the door Rarity hear somepony take a sharp breath, followed by a very low, whispered, "Almooooost..."

Then Rarity heard the most obscene noise that had ever emerged from a pony's bowels, followed by a loud splash. The fashionista's jaw dropped in unmitigated horror as the noises continued, almost drowning out the cries of "It's coming out! It's coming out! At long last, it's coming out!!!"

"Friendly Uncle?" called Rarity, "I just want you to know that is absolutely disgusting and I'm going to wall you in there!"

"Bite me, Squiggletail!"

-

Meanwhile, Luna frowned at her sister, who was pointing her telescope at Ponyville, making careful adjustments to the instrument as she attempted to get a closer look at something.

"I only wish to be certain that I understand," said the Princess of the Moon, "the bowel movement is a metaphor for his creative output?"

"Exactly," said Princess Celestia, squinting into the eyepiece.

"... and you are watching?"

"Yes."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"I want to see what he's doing!" grumbled Celestia defensively. "Come on you friendly asshole, you promised me a love scene with Twilight Sparkle, don't make me come down there...!"

Bleah, it's been a while since I've touched this thing. Look at all the dust!

I'd like to apologize for not updating. Fact of the matter is I wanted to. I really really did. But I had a bit of a personal crisis towards the end of last year that took up a lot of mental energy that normally would have been spent on writing fanfiction. I'd rather not go into the details. Suffice to say I didn't feel very friendly. And I didn't want to come back empty handed! I've been determined to finish the next chapter of Distance, or put up another short story, or something.

You may notice that hasn't happened.

Darned if I know what it is. It's the single most spectacular case of writer's block I've ever had. There are aborted attempts at writing littering my hard drive right now and I don't know what to do with any of them. It just ain't coming. And trying to force it hasn't helped.

So I'm just going to stop stressing over it. It'll happen eventually I'm sure, but I couldn't say when. I still love those friendly candy colored mini horses, but I just can't get into the right mindset to do anything with them. Maybe I need to read more fanfic. Maybe I need to watch some episodes again.

Maybe I should post that random as hell porn ficlet I crapped out a million years ago. Anyone want some porn? It's humanized, but it's cute. I think.

I'm not quitting, I'm just really tired. Consider this a belated hiatus announcement.

I'm going to go to bed and try not to think about how much I'm disappointing everyone for a change, and maybe once my neck muscles un-knot I'll be able to make some sense out of some of these scraps. ...is this a paragraph about the Cutie Mark Crusaders discussing boners yes I think that's what this is was I high when I wrote this what the hell...

Your friend and mine, fellow pony fanfic author Andrew Joshua Talon, is holding a contest this holiday season. Simply read one of his fanfics and find a scene you feel deserves artistic representation in a visual medium, and then represent it artistically. We want to see some fanart, basically. And for your contribution AJT will be rewarding prizes of money dollars. So get your pencils or digital styluses or whatever it is you kids use to produce graphic images these days and let’s see what you can do.

I personally would love to see some fanart of Natrix getting defenestrated, but that is purely a suggestion.

Without spoiling anything I think I can safely say... I liked it. I thought it was pretty good. Not spectacular. Doesn't hold a candle to season 1 and 2, or even season 2's finale, but still really nice. I laughed a bit, and I was actually really nervous towards the end, so the dramatic tension is there. I saw that last twist coming from a mile away, but it was still nice. Celestia is best troll.

Speaking of which, I am taking Celestia's referring to Twilight as "dearest" as proof that Distance is canon. Applejack and Rarity is also canon. I'm just saying. You can argue with me about this but you will not win. Twilestia is best ship. Rarijack is up there.

(I also like Flarity, but it doesn't have to be canon, I'm comfortable with that being AU.)

Speaking of Distance, I need to get off my ass and finish chapter 2. Time for some ponies getting dirty...

... I wonder how surprised anyone would actually be if I actually wrote My Little Pony erotica.

Not to say I haven't done any. There's a short story out there on the interbutts about a nameless second person protagonist porking Pinkie Pie that I probably penned, but it's humanized so it doesn't really count. Humans doing the sideways mambo (or sort of diagonal, in Pinkie's case) is easy. I'm talking actual horse sex. I haven't written that yet, despite having a handful of ideas for character studies that involved sex. I also have some vague idea that I should do something nice for Spike after what happened to him in Beating the Heat. It just felt like a line I wasn't sure if I was interested in crossing.

Then a couple of my friends did a bunch of porn, and I casually mentioned that I wanted to write some dirty stuff of my own again, but as I've kind of had MLP on the brain lately it's made things difficult in that area. At which point a friend of mine said well hell if you have a mind to write about ponies doing it then go for it, ain't nobody here gonna judge you. Which wasn't exactly what I'd meant, but if that's what they want... So I got them to promise to read it and now I have to write some horse smut.

And you know, I've been thinking. I'm a huge fan of Sleepless Brony, and one of the reasons I loved Romance Reports was that the story didn't shy away from what happened in a relationship after it hit the bedroom. The story faced that particular problem and took it head on with breathless gusto. And you have to admire that in a piece of fiction (well okay no you don't have to I guess, but I do). And now here I am writing a lengthy story about the inherent problems in Celestia and Twilight's relationship, and I'm not even planning on touching on the possibly pertinent problem of how the two of them bumping uglies is supposed to work. It's not like that won't present challenges. Celestia is seriously like twice Twilight's size, they're going to have to deal with that.

I'm not sure how I would do that. I don't really want Distance to be rated Mature, there are a lot of people who would just feel like they couldn't read it anymore at that point and that kind of feels like a dick move on my part. Alternate dirty and non-dirty chapters? Link to a google doc with the naughty parts in the blog? Hell, if it's long enough I might just do a standalone short. Or maybe a couple of standalone shorts. Once I actually do this there's no telling if I'll be able to stop or not. I'm just warning everyone right now, my brain does things sometimes and I can't always control it.

I've probably got a reputation for having a dirty mind already, Luna Vs the Threesome and probably Estrus are practically porn as it is. I just crept as closely as I could to that line and kind of cackled maniacally without ever actually crossing it. But it makes me wonder what will happen if I actually upload actual pony smut. I wonder if a world where friendly Uncle has written pony sex is actually a world I want to live in.

(The answer is yes, by the way. I just have to angst about it first. It's kind of how I do things.)

Well that fic got approved a bit faster than I thought it would.

The first Chapter of Distance has been published. Reactions are mixed thus far, I hope to win all of you over with subsequent portions of the narrative. It's getting away from me just a bit... I was kind of expecting this to be fairly contained, but actually sitting down and noting down everything I want to happen made me realize I've got a lot of material to cover. It'll probably end up being longer than The Creature that Came to Ponyville. I'd say I'm going to get this one finished in a somewhat more timely manner, but writing about lesbian horses make fools of us all.

I'm already thinking about things I should have done differently, to be honest. Distance is going to be a very odd story. I honestly had no idea how to tag it. There will be jokes, I don't think I can write something that's never funny, but the comedy is largely ancillary. There is action, and I will do my best to portray it properly, but we're not going to see an epic journey of any stripe and what action there is serves largely to add spice to the plot. The focus of the story is going to be on Celestia and Twilight. And it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. So I tagged it as sad romance. That doesn't mean I'm going to try and depress everypony. It just means they've got a lot of dark patches to work through. I make no promises in regards to happy endings, or the lack thereof. We're going to have to wait and see.

1001 followers. How does that even happen. I'm kind of super nervous now. Whenever I do anything to this story a thousand people will be alerted to it and invited to come see how badly I'm mangling this idea. Still, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't overwhelmingly cool to know this many people like what I do. I try not to bother with false modesty, I know I'm entertaining, usually on purpose, but there are a lot of REALLY good pony authors out there, most of them post on this site, and you're following me. I mean yeah, you can follow multiple authors at a time, but still, you all like... clicked a link. Because you like me. Thank you.

Writing a sequel to Correspondence is kind of surreal. The original fic is very much a product of its time. I first got into Pony back during the first season, watching all the available episodes in a few days and then gently squeezing out Correspondence during the brief hiatus after Winter Wrap Up. I'd tried writing fanfiction before for other genres, and generally found myself kind of disappointed with my attempts, largely because I was trying to emulate the authors who could scribble out multichapter epics at the drop of a hat. The kind of pony fanfiction that circulated in the early threads on /co/ tended to be much more bite-sized. I liked that, and gaining an appreciation for quick and dirty fanfic made me want to do some of my own. I read a couple of fics and was kind of startled by one that suggested Twilight and Celestia might be in love, which made a lot of sense given their interaction on the show at that point. It ended on somewhat of a down note. Celestia decided they could never be together for various reasons and stuck the parts of them that loved each other into a magic mirror. It was an interesting resolution, but it nagged at me. "Why couldn't they love each other?" I wanted to know. Why shouldn't Celestia have a girlfriend? Why couldn't Twilight fall in love with a Princess? Correspondence pretty much wrote itself after that, and I deliberately avoided addressing the possible answers to any of those questions that could have come between the two characters, because I wanted them to have a happy ending.

And now I'm screwing it all up!

Fact of the matter is... there are reasons why Celestia and Twilight are a questionable ship. There are legitimate objections to the two of them being together. And I want to address those concerns. And to me, two ponies trying to decide if they can be together or not couldn't be anything but a sad story. There's a lot of angst there. Tears need to flow. I also wanted to ask a couple of questions about Celestia herself. About what it means to be that old and that removed from the ponies she lives with. Why does she do what she does, and is it ultimately for the best? That's where the white mask and his friends come in. I'm trying to tie all this together in a way that seems coherent and makes sense. I'm sure you all will let me know whether or not I've succeeded.

I'm not naive enough to hope that everypony will like it, but I hope everypony that reads it will find themselves with something to think about.

This is sort of similar to something that might happen in "Distance" or may see the light of day as a portion of another standalone fic. In the meantime I present it to you because it has Celestia and Twilight being cute so what other reason could I possibly need?

-

“Although the root cause of the Lunar Rebellion has been known for a millennium, many Equestrian scholars still argue over exactly how the night sister came to be so marginalized as to turn to cloaking the entire world in eternal darkness. As the historian Ponysephus pointed out, ‘it all seems to have escalated rather quickly.’ Indeed, what contemporary sources remain indicate that the Princess of the Night was well loved by her subjects, an object of both veneration and more earthly kinds of attraction. A list of those ponies who attempted to woo her would be neigh as long as this entire volume, such was her beauty.

Nonetheless Celestia was always known to be the more beloved sister, though few writers of the time were gauche enough to say so openly. There are a number of theories as to why this would be. Some scholars have put forth the theory that her decision to invite the donkeys into Equestria early in the princesses’ rein won her many admirers. Indeed, the Duke of Canterlot, Lord Nova, wrote a lengthy poem praising what he called ‘the Princess Celestia’s donkey,’ which was widely circulated at the time, though it is little known to modern scholars.

It has been noted as odd that Lord Nova’s poem referred to a singular animal, but this is believed to be metaphorical. Indeed, the donkey in the poem seems to be representative of the donkey population that settled in Equestria as a whole. The duke praises the robustness of the community by describing the metaphorical donkey as ‘firm, supple, and possessed of great power.’ He writes of the beauty of Celestia’s donkey, describing it as ‘beyond compare in the treats it brings to a pony’s eyes, so that to look upon it for too long is to go blind, and yet one could do so and feel their vision has not been lost in vain.’

Some meaning of the poem is obviously lost in the translation from Old Equuish. Many scholars do not know what to make of the latter passages detailing the duke’s apparent desire to pet the princess’ donkey. Indeed, Nova goes on at great length of his desire to ‘gently pet, fondle, and caress it.’ He describes drawing patterns in the donkey’s apparently white fur with his tongue. Towards the end of the piece he writes that if he could cuddle with Celestia’s donkey for the night, ‘truly my dreams would be the sweetest, and the morn would find me refreshed beyond measure, though I would weep that the most wonderful night of my life was over.’ Most historians agree these passages are either some kind of extended metaphor for the fondness the duke bore for Equestria’s donkey population, or a private joke between himself and the princess. Nova was known to be among Celestia’s favorites at court because of his ability to make her laugh. Oddly enough, he apparently fell out of favor for several months after this poem was circulated, which modern scholars find quite baffling.”

Twilight Sparkle’s gaze slowly rose from the the book she was reading, “A History and Analysis of the Lunar Rebellion” by Edward Horsson, to look at the princess. Celestia had been watching Twilight with a patiently bemused smile on her face as the unicorn went about her studies. Their gazes met, and Twilight’s eyebrows slowly knotted together as she looked at the princess. Celestia blinked, her smile slipping a little in confusion.

“Is there something in your studies that I can shed some light on, my faithful student?”

Twilight wordlessly lit her horn with magic and levitated two books off of their shelves and over to her desk. Celestia blinked as the unicorn opened “An Ode to Celestia’s Donkey, in the Original Equuish,” and began flipping through “The Egghead’s Guide to Translating Old Equuish to Modern Equestrian.”

After a moment Twilight’s head snapped back up to meet the princess’ eyes again, and the ghost of a smile flickered across her face.

“‘Donkey’ isn’t exactly the right translation of that word, is it?”

Celestia was, as a rule, very good at controlling visibly signs of emotion. She also had a very pale coat, which at this point was something of a liability as it did absolutely nothing to hide the deep blush that began spreading across her cheeks. Celestia failed to suppress a giggle as she averted her gaze from Twilight’s.

“That particular word did have a rather different connotation at the time, yes. It is rather subtle however. I’m impressed that you were able to pick up on it.”

“I’m amazed that I’m the first pony who’s picked up on it in a thousand years,” said Twilight, raising an eyebrow.

“I imagine you’re not,” answered Celestia, smirking a bit, “just the first who was cheeky enough to point it out.”

Twilight’s face slowly split into a wide grin. Using her magic, she grabbed a fresh scroll and a quill from her desk and hopped up onto her hooves. Then she trotted over to Celestia, still grinning as she took up a position behind the alicorn. Celestia’s blush grew darker as she craned her neck around to look at Twilight.

“What are you doing back there?”

“Writing poetry!” said Twilight. Celestia telekinetically attacked her with a pillow.

So just to make everyone aware, the sequel to Correspondence, which I've titled "Distance" is underway. It's worth mentioning that the story also assumes the events of Moonshy from They're Comfy and Easy to Wear took place, and it sort of spiritually continues the development of Rarity and Applejack's friendship from The Creature that Came to Ponyville, though reading the latter two stories isn't critical to understanding what's going on. The first chapter is pretty much finished. I'm in the process of doing some last minute tweaks and preparing to submit it to the site. Kind of taking a little longer than it would otherwise because I'm really nervous about this for some reason I don't know exactly why. I kind of want to really get this right, I guess. I'm going to take a little bit longer to make sure I know what I'm doing with the story as a whole before I set the first chapter in stone, but it shouldn't take too long. When it's ready I promise you lot will be the first to know.

In the meantime, I've uploaded a new chapter to They're Comfy and Easy to Wear which consists of a plot bunny that was bothering the heck out of me while I was trying to write the first part of Distance. I might do something else with the idea later on, but I kind of doubt it, considering it's just "human in Equestria" taken someplace absurd and doesn't really fit with the tone of the universe. Nonetheless it came out of me so it is here, and it hints at that Twilight/Rainbow ship so many of you kids seem to be into nowadays, so there's that.

I wonder if ponies ever do a poor job wiping themselves. or maybe they get a little toilet paper stuck on there. Because they don't wear pants, you know? So Rainbow Dash could be wandering around one day entirely innocently, maybe her tail's wagging around a little bit more than usual, swatting flies and whatnot. And then Rarity kind of sidles up to her and mutters in her ear "Darling, have you been ill? You've got... streaks."

... I never claimed to be well adjusted.

So I really kind of hate it when authors try to make excuses for why they haven't written anything in a long time, but I always appreciate it, too, because it at least tells you the author hasn't gotten married or found Jesus or something and given up on fanfiction entirely. It's just considered polite to occasionally let people know you're not dead, and that you are working on your multichapter epic about lesbian horses. So I'm going to be polite and tell you all that I'm not dead, and I am working on my story about lesbian horses.

Unfortunately, there is a member of my family who is no longer with us, and that has made it very difficult to write fanfiction lately, though reading some cute horse stories has helped immensely with the bad feelings. I'm hoping I'll be able to get back in the saddle shortly.

In the meantime, I've been alerted to the existence of this group for cool fanfics that don't get a lot of views. You'll notice my fanfics are not there, because they're not that cool and get entirely too many views. Give some of these stories a whirl, maybe tell a lonely author you liked his horses, and I'll get back to writing once the funeral arrangements are done playing merry hell with my schedule.

Keep calm and pony on.