Personal ramblings · 4:40am
I am depressed. Let me make that abundantly clear. I still feel happiness on occasion, but for me, the good times never seem to last. And my happy mask seems to fool just about everyone. Sometimes, I even fool myself. But It's always there, waiting in the corner. And before you ask, no I don't take meds for it, nor will I ever willingly do so.
I am anxious all the time. There's always something over my head, dangling from a frayed rope. Academic work, personal problems, social anxiety, and the list goes on. There's a fine line between stressed out and panic attack, and I jump rope with it on a regular basis. And before you ask, no I don't take meds for it, nor will I ever willingly do so.
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, and I am in so much pain that I haven't stopped crying in three hours. It hurts so much that I can no longer eat, even though I'm hungry enough to devour anything equal in size or smaller than the average four-year-old child. I can feel my heart writhing in pain, and it takes me ten minutes just to coax myself into standing. I can't bring myself to play piano, which is my usual therapeutic activity. I can't get myself to write and escape the pain. I can't get myself running.
I am broken right now. I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces of myself and make something of it, but I can't do that now. And I apologize to all of you, because broken me means no chance of updates for a long time. It's already been forever, and I'm sorry.
I'm not okay.