Depression, or Lack Thereof. · 12:24pm
Wow. Hard to believe I haven't touched this account in over half a year. I used to check this thing daily, but now... maybe once or twice a month.
*Sigh*, I really do wish I could go back to where I was all that time ago when I used to write for you guys. More than that, I wish I could go back to when I used to write for myself; nothing will beat IAWTBLY in my books.
But I'm off topic.
I return today to shed some light on why I left, and where I may go from here.
I left all that time ago because I lost motivation to write. I lost motivation to write because I was no longer writing for myself, but to try and appease others' expectations. And I attempted to appease others' expectations because making others happy is how I make myself happy.
I began making pixel art because it took so much less time to make a person happy, but now I don't do that much anymore either. I've mostly given up on school, only doing work in an attempt to be allowed out to see friends, and I'm just tired of life in general.
But my friends keep be going.
I went through a rough patch a while ago. I began having down days, suicidal thoughts, and I was never happy for more than an hour at a time. I got into a relationship with one of my best friends, it lasted about four months, and then it broke down when we both realised she wasn't attracted to me. Learned from a mistake I made, moved on. Life hurts, and for a second time I had my heart broken.
That was two and a half months ago, I think. For a month and a half, my depression became worse and worse, and I shut everyone out. The only thing that kept me from self harm was fear of pain, but then I cut my hand and realised it didn't hurt much at all. That caused my last off day- a day where I turned off my emotions altogether- and I handed my knife to my mum. I began talking to a few trusted friends about these things and I've become closer to them than I had in the last year of knowing them.
Then my crush asked me out. I couldn't believe it. A month later, we've just had our first official date, and I've had a realisation.
My friends are my reason for living.
The only reason I get up in the mornings is in the hopes that Waterscar will be at school, and to spend time with several others. I love my friends, and they mean more to me than most anything else in the world.
Again, kind of off topic.
What happens now?
I've become more artistic than I used to be. I'd like to take this further and properly learn to draw, but as it is, it's a little too late for doing that in school and I probably wouldn't like the art courses anyway.
I'd love to get back into writing, but I never have any motivation. When I write for school assignments, others say my work is fine, but I hate it. I hate my own writing so much; it's terrible, the original storylines are lacking, and the ones based off other things are blatant rip-offs. Almost fanfictions in their own rights, but being crushed to a mere 800 words to fit within the SACE board's requirements for English assignments.
English, the subject that used to be my favourite, is now a thing I dread.
Though I do wish to begin anew.
I swear, over the next few months, I will be trying to write things. The first person I have to convince of their worth is myself, so if I do successfully write more than a few hundred words before losing interest, I'll keep it to myself and improve upon it. If I can get back to the stage I was at, I will return.