Hi, Fimfiction. Come in, sit down. Yes, over there. Have a beer. Wait, no, on second thoughts, you’re not allowed, you’re not even two years old yet. Have an apple juice.

I want you to think of me as a cool older brother. Well, okay, older brother.

Yes, I have been drinking, why do you ask?

No, no, don’t get up. There’s no point. The door’s locked. We’re going to have a little chat, you and I. This has been coming for a while, I’ve really been getting quite worried about you.  I remember the old days, when we used to have such wonderful fun together; there was a real sparkle in your eyes, but now…

Don’t get all defensive. You know it’s true. You’ve let yourself go a bit, got a bit fat. Yeah, I know you’ve been producing a lot, but I’ve been marking it all, remember? Every night I’m sitting down, sifting through all those stories you’re writing and approving them. It doesn’t mean I approve of them, mind, just that they meet the lowest standards possible, and Fimfiction, so much just doesn’t. What are you playing at?

Yeah, the old days were a bit rough. You were younger then, there was more excuse for being a bit rubbish. I’m seeing good stuff from you, sure, but also lots of awful stuff. Lots of it. So much. You’re throwing over a hundred stories onto my desk every evening. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you’re so enthused, but they’re all the same!

Oh, don’t give me that “But Blue, there’s only a limited number of stories!” You know what I mean! Sometimes I don’t even think you care anymore. Writing’s important, it’s an art form like, well, art is. There’s not really any excuses for half-assing it.

What’s with all these self-insert fics, Fimfiction? If you stood back and saw just how many you were writing, you would die with shame. And they’re all the same! Literally! You roll your face over the keyboard, writing about how your life is awful and then you travel to Equestria, and OH BOY THE STORY IS ABOUT TO GET GOOD! Then you stop writing and mash your face over ‘publish’. They’re all the same; who do you think will care once you publish without reaching the story? Why do you write the same thing over and over again? It breaks my heart, because I know how talented you can be!

Remember when we were playing Frisbee in the park the other week? I suggested watching a film, and then you started moaning about all the stuff in the cinema at the moment. You complained that it was all derivative, or that all the films were sequels or spinoffs, and you really wanted to see something original, but the “lazy Hollywood fatcats” couldn’t get off their arses and make something original. Then I got home and saw what you had left for me, and, well, they were all sequels. Sequels and crossovers and more sequels. ‘My Roommate Is a Fallout Spike in a Box 2’ or something. Do you remember, we sat down and had a chat, and you just said that it was the only way to make sure people would like your stories.

Well, I guess that’s that mystery solved.

You’re a good kid. I’ve stuck by you when times were tough. I know you have some real talent, but too often you just want to get by on the minimum of effort. No, sit down. Don’t give me that “fanfic doesn’t really count”. That’s like saying it’s fine to draw stick figures instead of real drawings. I know you spend hours and hours on your stories; writing a story takes more time than a dozen intricate drawings or youtube videos, so why do you half-ass the important stuff?

No, stop it. It does matter. It matters because you’re putting a lot of time into this, and you expect me to put a lot of time into reading it. I know you care, deep down, but sometimes you just don’t get it. You think that writing a story is just about putting words on a page, but it’s not. If you write about your character doing A then B then C then D, it’s not a story, it’s just Stuff That Happens. A story is actually about something. It’s about something you care about, there are ideas and themes and it’s all about you putting your heart and soul into it; that’s what turns a story from a crude stick figure into a real drawing. It’s why the original Star Wars films were brilliant movies with real emotion compared to the Prequels, which were about men in robes hitting each other with sticks.

We’re not done yet. Sorry kid. You knew this was coming. I was frankly about to give up on you a few weeks back. Yes, you know why. Your little feature box.

Seriously, sometimes it is absolutely pathetic. That day when I logged in to see your box, that thing you wear proudly on your chest to show off the stories you love the most full of not one, not two, but three stories about filly sex. It’s feeble; is that really what you want to show the world you’re most proud of? Scootaloo getting nailed by Hitler, or whatever the hell it is?

Shut up. Sit down. I am drinking and I have a bottle in my hand which I am prepared to use. Yes, I understand that I can just turn off all the adult stories. But you know what? I’m an adult. My DVD shelf is full of movies rated 18. Some of them are brilliant. Alien! Terminator! Some weird Clint Eastwood film (he’s a cowboy, by the way). I don’t think it’s up to me to chuck all of them in case some horrible sewage also pops up.

The point is this: you churn out loads of terrible self insert stories, but I never see them hit your featured box. Every time though that some squalid little sex story about Sweetie Belle is submitted, I see it rocket to the top. You’re actually proud of it. It really worries me, Fimfiction. Even if it is terribly written, you can guarantee you will point at it and say “Yes, that is what I want people to see I like the best.”

No, I don’t care that ‘the other kids all favourite it, I don’t.’ This is the 21st century, there is a group responsibility. Why are you not championing stories that are actually good, why are you leaving it to all those horrid kids to hoist the rubbish to the top of the flagpole? If you see a story you like, you should upvote! You should favourite! You should tell the author it is good, and tell your friends!

It breaks my heart to see that you spend hours and hours, putting so much time and effort into stories about Rainbow Dash raping Scootaloo. And then you wave it about like it is the latest work of James Joyce. I really, really worry about you. It’s quite depressing to be honest, because you’re capable of so much more.

I’m not a prude, you know that. It’s just… come on, kid. Grow up. You don’t want to get put on some sort of list by the FBI. More than that though, have some self-respect. I don’t want to read your blogs where you moan about how you really wanted to write a story about underage Sweetie Belle but weren’t allowed to because THE MAN won’t let you write that as humanised. I mean… my god. Seriously? Listen to yourself!

I’m still here for you, you know that. You can do so much better than you are though. Get that spark back, stop just writing about the same rubbish again and again. I don’t want to read about you committing suicide and travelling to Equestria. I don’t want to read another of your sequels to My Little Dashie. I don’t want to watch you waste your life pumping out meaningless rubbish.

Again, I don’t care that it’s "only fanfiction". If you’re going to spend hours and days and months of your life on it, you better make sure it’s the best damn thing you ever made. Heck, Douglas Adams turned all his Doctor Who stuff into popular mass-market fiction, no reason you can’t do the same in the future!

Look, take this. Yeah, it’s a plushie. Okay, I know it’s Applejack, I didn’t want to give you something I’d actually miss. But here’s what you do. When you write a story, I want you to talk to your Applejack plushie out loud. Tell Applejack what your story is about. Tell her why you are writing the story. Tell her why your story is unique, and why people will read it and not all of the similar stories. If you can’t, then heck, stop writing and have a good think before starting again.

You’re a good kid. I know you can do it. You can go now; I’ve imparted all my wisdom.

Also I’m out of beer.

Back in 1993 Doctor Who had been off the air for 4 years. But it was the 30th anniversary, so it was being brought back for a one-off charity episode! In 3d! And a crossover with Eastenders, a popular soap! And it had all the monsters and surviving Doctors and companions! And would be ten minutes long!

And if you think that sounds like a horrible disaster you'd be right. But OH HO HO I remembered today about the 'DVD PRODUCTION NOTES' version which turns it from the worst thing ever into the best thing ever.

Trust me, it's ten amazing minutes! It will also improve your writing if you remember to do the opposite of everything here!"

I'm really pleased with the reactions to my latest story, The Last Equestrian Doom Patrol, but a few people have been asking where some of the characters come from. Obviously everyone knows Luna and Derpy, but what about the others?

Sit back and let me educate you!

Donny Swineclops

Donny popped up in the last episode of season 1, "The Best Night Ever", when he was part of a group shot talking to Rarity. His stoic nature in the face of his terrible deformity won him accolates from fandom such as "oh, that's nice."

Princess Erroria

The best princess appeared in a flashback in "Lesson Zero" so she doubly doesn't exist! Some other fans tried to call her 'Pluto' but that name didn't stick. Because it's an awful name.

Time Flies

Doctor Whooves had wings in Sonic Rainboom. And dialogue too! Perhaps in some crazy parallel universe THIS would have been the default Whooves. Fandom is so fickle! Obselescence came up with the name for me, as 'Winged Dr Whooves' didn't quite have the same ring.

Terry

Terry blazed into history (and our hearts) when a translated faux-German My Little Pony comic hit the internet last year. Look at him, he totally isn't Scootaloo!

Read the whole thing here: http://www.derpibooru.org/10126?scope=scpe8dbf22c63ba062270c8072dc150e50c0f67b5d39

Hi guys! I have finished moving house (though the oven and boiler are both dodgy in my new place!) and have just got internet back up and working, so as a celebration, I am inflicting a new story on you all!

The Last Equestrian Doom Patrol

It's a story about the animation error ponies (Derpy, cyclops guy et al) attempting to save Equestria from certain doom! It's also a tribute to Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol comic of the 80s. If you've not read that, don't worry because no pre-knowledge is needed, all I have taken is a lot of the themes/feel and the idea of one of the villains.

Check it out, let me know what you think! I will try to get the rest done pretty sharpish, as long as my new job doesn't kill me first!

Hi guys!

Just a mini update; I've spent the week moving house, and am now sitting on my computer amongst loads of boxes (I have moved to Worcester, where the sauce comes from!). I am starting a new job next week which terrifies me, as moving + starting a new job = loads of stress!

I have got online temporarily via a mobile dongle thing, but it's a bit rubbish and slow, so I'll be off the grid until I can work out how to get broadband. I've been noticing my PMs piling up when I logged in today, so if you don't get an immediate response, that'll be why! This horrible internet thing won't even let my reply to them without freezing!

Hurrah! For those of you who missed the livestream yesterday, it has been uploaded to youtube!

Check out me wittering on about Wotsits and corned beef! (Unless they cruelly edited out the 20 min corned beef digression)

Okay guys, this thing is in 30 mins! At 7pm UK time / 3pm EDT.

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/139867/fourth-fimfictionnet-online-panel

Livestream link - http://www.livestream.com/alexstrazsasartsmanship

I expect to see you all there! I'm just going to run out and get some coke (the drink), hopefully I will get back in time!

New Doctor Who is coming soon! Saturday 30th March! I'll try to get a stream up if possible, but I am moving house soon so don't know yet if I will be about (I have two weeks to move which frankly is a bit terrifying, otherwise I will need to commute for a total of 6 hours a day to my new job, wish me luck!)

Anyway, for those who haven't seen it, there's a brand new trailer and clip for the new episodes! I know lots of people here like Doctor Who (and if you don't, you're a sick monster!) so enjoy!

Last night I was chatting to Freehomebrew, who is part of the Living Library group that does performances of stories. He wanted to read The Star In Yellow, and was working out what characters needed people to perform them. Lemon Dreams was on the list.

"Don't be silly!" I thought. "Lemon Dreams wasn't in that story!"

It turns out that yes, she does actually pop up in chapter 3. I thought she was just in Cake Story and Life is a Lemon, but no, she's been hanging about longer than that. I wonder if she has invaded any of my other stories without me realising.

Obviously Equestria is real, and my mind is just a conduit to it. That's the only possible explanation.

Hi guys! I have been asked by Wanderer to be on his fimfiction.net panel! It will be livestreamed on Sunday 17th March at 3pm EST (which I BELIEVE is 7pm in the UK, please correct me if I've got that horribly wrong!)

Wanderer's post about it is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/139867/fourth-fimfictionnet-online-panel-up-on-youtube

He's asking for questions too, so please reply to that post with questions (not this one, he won't see it!) Hopefully I'll see some of you there as well!