Time for some real-talk.

I'm a programmer. I'm going to school to learn the art and science of coding. Around this time next year, I'll have a Bachelor's of Science in software engineering.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to work on video games. That dream has come to fruition much earlier than I expected it to. A small start-up game studio suddenly appeared in my backyard, and I randomly stumbled into it, and they hired me for both my technical skill and my charisma. (My application was a Shrek-themed tic-tac-toe game. Go figure.)

My ultimate goal is to be able to, someday, craft entire experiences, with every piece and facet coming straight from my imagination. That's why I spent time writing here. That's why I spent time making fan-art and such. I was building the auxiliary skills required to be an all-around game designer. It wasn't just a means to an end, though. I enjoyed myself greatly, and made some good friends through all of this stuff.

Now, our very first game--my first debut as a professional programmer--has begun a Kickstarter drive. If you own an XBox, if you appreciate indie start-ups, hell, if you just happen to like my moxie or my stories, please consider checking it out. I'm personally looking forward to seeing what I am capable of in the future, both in this team setting, and as a much more direct designer and artist.

Thank you. I mean that sincerely. I very much appreciate the love and support I've gotten. For anyone who's ever gotten a laugh from my scratchings and ramblings, this is all for you.

-Argembarger

(Tom. I'm the big fat asshole with the stupid hair in the video.)

Here's the link to the Kickstarter.

With this weirdo horses show in full swing, we have the familiar sight of neckbeards all over staring at the television listings half in anticipation, half in dread, half in spaghetti, worried that their favorite show will contradict their own stupid imaginings. Will Scootaloo ever die? Are Applejacks parents? Is Rainbow Dash as awful as she always was?

There are a million stories all about these questions, and all of them are the worst. The show is okay and enjoyable, and then a bunch of people start making shit up and that's fine too and then people get serious and dramatic about it and then shit gets stupid. Sometimes the show contradicts these random theories and people get butthurt because "CAN'T WRITE STORIES NOW, GUYS".

Some season three rumors are currently floating around the net which would torpedo one of my own stories, for instance, except they wouldn't, because my stories aren't tied down to some dumb canadian cartoon, and if they were I wouldn't care if they made my stories retroactively not make sense, because jesus that would be the very very last thing I would worry about, even behind "writing, at all". Part of me thinks there's just too many fans and too many of them are dumb.

I say let it happen. It's odd; I've never been in the situation where I've felt attached whatsoever to any "head-canons" (who cares about scootaloo. who cares about the wonderbolts. shipping). When the show started, I remember someone mentioning to me half as a joke that due to all the repeated characters in the background and really odd, random facts thrown at us, that the show was created for small children. I liked that idea. I like the idea that a television cartoon doesn't have to acknowledge a fringe fanbase, and instead continue appealing itself to the children it wished to win over in the first place, and if it continues being an entertaining show in its own right in spite of not attempting to appeal to an older audience, so much the better, and if they want to retcon shit or explain their own universe, let them. Questions are just as pointless as answers. There's a million solutions to various questions and throwaway lines, but once an 'official' answer is given, neckbeards cry.

It works the other way around too, you know. Sometimes fans send so many letters to an animation studio that they decide that it would ultimately save them time and effort if they just changed their direction rather than deal with all of the mail. For instance, Derpy's voice. Or a terrible Transformers fancomic that Blueshift did which was explicitly canonised by Hasbro. But that's a story for never.

God shops at Gap, after all. I don't think it's a coincidence that some of the most popular non-mane 6 characters are the ones we see graphic pornography of on a regular basis. Lyra has billions of idiotic memes generated around her based on some animator's simple visual gag. No one cares about Hoity Toity. Luna was hot stuff during season 1 where there were thousands of unresolved emotional issues that manchildren felt about her, and then she got an entire episode to herself in season 2 and even that didn't satisfy people.

Personally, I don't care about continuity. I don't want episodes "dedicated" to anything. I want nude stuff. I don't want to see futa Gilda, or episodes which explain Pinkie's cock farm once and for all. I want a totally silent 22-minute-long episode of a pony's sphincter slowly clenching and releasing a hot poop. When you don't write poop-centric episodes, the world gets a lot less magical. (The exception to this is of course The Rugrats, where every episode was about poop and none of it was magical.)

Once shows fall in love with their own methodology, then they become about stupid not-poop stuff. The closest MLP has got to poop is any of the season finales, which feature ponies clenching and straining to do things. Granny Smith probably pooped in the Zap-Apple episode. Who knows? Grandma poop is just as legitimate as normal horse poop. The moral of the story is that if you didn't poop an interesting shape then you deserve the contempt of your peers. Lord knows I do.

Not my favorite episode, though, but then the fact that Granny Smith is most likely incontinent didn't add anything to it. It felt oddly implicit, but at the same time felt that this is what elderly colons are build like. At the end of the day, it was just a boring pooplessness which is why it all felt a bit awful. I don't mind pooplessness all the time but it just gets lame when nine times out of ten there's no poop.

It's important to not give a shit about anything except having a good time. There are a worringly large amount of books published about Doctor Who. People obsess and get frantic over Doctor Who (the answer being, of course, that he's british). That's certainly not the way I want to see MLP go, as british people are lame and their poop isn't even as brown as american poop.

Something my sister said to me when she was little sticks with me to this day. "I saw Mommy crying and Daddy was on top of her." I told her to hush quiet and when she left I went right back to eating Cheerios. For the most part, people don't want to deal with the issues at home. They'd rather escape into television and films. George Lucas doesn't literally give even 1% of a shit about his fanbase (or family, if you want to be boring and get technical). Of course not. If he did, he'd go mad trying to please every weirdo who likes space. George Lucas wrote all of science fiction in order to placate the masses. The Day The Earth Stood Still was his greatest accomplishment, and don't you ever forget it.

You can extend poop further if you try. No one sits on the toilet to dump it all out at once. At least, good people don't. Pooping exists to relax the mind using pre-existing nerve endings in the butt. Just because it turns out a little bloody isn't a bad thing, or if there's a corn in it that doesn't invalidate the poop that's been pooped. THe pooping is the important thing, the feeling of relief, the loosened bowels. If Fluttershy marries Big Mac on the show, they'll have to get used to each other's poop. It doesn't mean you can't write about Rainbow Dash poop.

There's also magical poop. Pooping aficianados will know and hate this word. Short for "Magical Poop Magic Faeces", this is when a writer decides that the poop continuously needs pooping for the stink, and so suddenly you get all these nasty butt-tacos oozing all over your my little pony show. Magneto was into that, but he's just an ecks man. Then you get the Poop Lover's Deluxe, where it once again becomes the act itself and not the juvenile stink that is the focus of the poop again. Deluxes like this tend to be fine, because pooping is about pooping and not poop and people need to realize this.

(Did you know that the 1996 Doctor Who TV Movie was british?)

A bit of clever not-pooping is fine, as long as you don't dwell on it. Do you want to tell a story where Twilight has a picnic and doesn't even have to poop once because she already went? Simply hand-wave it away with some laxatives in her sandwich. ("Oh my, my colon feels like it's going to evacuate!") Just don't spent half of the story on the tortuous act of inserting the laxatives. Make sure there's plenty of butt-detail.

Does canon matter? No, fuck canon. Fuck not-canon, too.

Nowadays, in the land of neckbeards and broken dreams, the Internet is the premiere source for poop jokes and also ponies. Coincidence? Think about Michael Bay's work on the original Transformers cartoon. Most people don't realize the role he played, but it's true. He was the chief executive directing officer and he also voiced Megatron. Some people just look at him as a dumb explosion man, but without Michael Bay, there wouldn't be any Transformers at all. Transformers is a stupid show, though, because robots don't poop, and if I watch it for too long I start to think I'm wasting my time. What is a "real" robot poop?

The answer is that no robots poop. And at the same time, all of them do. Pooping is more than a physiological action. It is a mental one. Even purely logical beings can poop. There's just no physical sign of it afterwards. It's like King Arthur and the Holy Grail. King Arthur knew the whole time that that grail would make a kickin' latrine, so when he quested to get it he pooped in it afterwards but that part was retconned during Victorian times (see, we're getting back to retconning again!) and so no one ever knew the truth about King Arthur.

I'm sure there are fans of MLP who have never seen the show or even can't stand it. People who are fans entirely because of fanfiction or comics or some shit. Maybe they hate the cartoon. No, don't laugh, stop it, stop it or I will die. Heck, just before season 3 started I realized I hadn't seen an episode since season 2 finished broadcasting, and I hadn't looked at fan content either, because I was busy with shit in real life.

Currently, some people could call MLP a 'primary text'. That makes it like Jean Claude Van Damme's Actes and Monumentes. It's okay. I mean, if you're into it. Ponies, I mean. Some people like them. They are okay. But when you start obsessing over them, maybe you should take a chill pill (laxative) and go sit down for a while (and poop a lot, until you can only think about your own poop)

As Alan Wake famously said in Resident 4 Evil:

"This is the worst...

Man."

(how to write: part 3 coming soon)

So, you want to be a writer. And you've already thrown out every niggling bit of judgementalism flowing through your veins. Good! Very good. You're ready to write!

But don't write yet, you dumb asshole. You need to know WHAT you're writing. You need to have a Concept. A Hook. Some kind of awesome idea to drag readers in, kicking and screaming, until you can tie them with Prose rope to your Allusion bed and sensually massage them with Dénouements until they cry out with forceful Criticism.

And, if you don't already have a kickass idea, you've come to the right place!

So, what is an idea?

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines an idea as "a transcendent entity that is a real pattern of which existing things are imperfect representations". Alternatively, it could be "a standard of perfection", or "a plan for action".

So, therefore, we can conclude that your story idea has to be not only transcendental, but perfect. So, what's our plan? How do we come up with a perfect, transcendental story idea?

It's pretty easy, actually. The key is to think really hard, and to go with the very first words that flow through your head. Your first impulse is always your best one, after all.

I want you to focus into the text box to reply to this blog post before you go on. Do it. Now. Just click on it, and make it so you can type out a response. Don't do anything else until I tell you.

So, let me demonstrate how this works. I'm going to sit on my couch and think of an idea for a my little pony story, and as soon as I have any idea whatsoever, I'm going to write it down. I am focusing on the words I am typing now so as not to pollute my thought-stream. I also silenced my music, because we wouldn't want the Katamari OST to shove its way into my mind at the moment of conception. When you get done reading this sentence, I need you to immediately close your eyes and think of your idea and I want you to type it out in its entirety no matter where your mind goes just follow that train of thought no matter how stupid it gets ready GO.

A pony is walking along the road when it spots a dinosaur and it decides to challenge it to a sex contest but its dick is too big so the pony asks Twilight to make its dick smaller but Twilight accidentally makes it so that there are no more dicks.

See? That is the pure, unfettered product of a sober mind. My brain fired some neurons and made that happen, because I needed an idea.

Many poor, misguided authors toss out dozens of ideas before their impossible-to-please asses settle on one. This is wrong. Every idea is special. Every idea deserves a chance in the sun.

Post your story idea as a comment.

Your challenge, class, is to write your story idea out, no matter what it was, no matter how impossible or absurd it might be.

I'll be writing mine. It's only fair that you do the same.

See you next time for part 3 of "how to write"!

Previous Lesson: part 1

Next Lesson: Check back soon!

I thought I would take a brief break from shamelessly fundraising to help enlighten all of my followers/readers about a topic I care very deeply about: writing.

Fanfiction is terrible. Every bit of it. Every silly, self-indulgent word in a fanfiction is worse than the one that came before it. There are no good fanfictions. There are no exceptions to this rule. If you think you know about a fanfiction that is good, you are wrong, full stop. The characters are bad. The plots are awful. The themes and motives repugnant. Every genre is a load of shit. The only thing worse than fanfiction is a website which aggregates fanfiction and encourages a community to grow and expand around it.

"But, Argembarger," you may ask, "why are you even here? Go away, you hater."

Well, that's just it. I love shitty, awful things, you see. Fanfiction, especially of weirdo cartoon horses, slakes my thirst for drivel.

"Weirdo cartoon horses? But... but I love My Little Pony! Hater!"

Okay I'm done narrating your hypothetical reactions. It's dumb. So. What's this blog post about?

I want to help you.

I want to free your mind.

What is it that you enjoy about fanfiction? Find some way to picture it in your mind, even if it's just an abstract concept. In fact, visualize everything you love about fanfiction together, perhaps frolicking harmoniously in some meadow somewhere.

Now, take that mental picture and light it on fire.

You did it! Fanfiction! Okay, now that you are suitably unbiased and objective about fanfiction, absorb the following chunk of text.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh no, Twilight Sparkle, you have to save the world!"

Twilight sparkle was sad because "I have a menstruation :("

they mayor of ponyville pushed twilight out into the path of the danger. "There's no time for a bleed because look out!!"

Twilight looked out before it was too late for the danger that was befallen on ponyhville it was a clam army.

"magic doesn't work on clams!!' twilight yelled over the clames

"Yeah I know you have to try something different!" Mayor Mare said.

"Ok I think I know what to do! Princess Scelestia always told me that clams were the one thing they were alergic to is period blood! it's just smart enough to work!" and so Twilight went to work magically spraying her bad time blood all over the clams.

The clams kept coming, it had no effect!"

"Oh no," Twilight Sparkle said, "I couldn't save the world!"

"It's okay twilight we forgive you," said the population of ponyville.

"Thank you everyoine but if I can't save the world t

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about that passage. Really dig into it for a minute.

Did you hate it? Why? That shit was human expression. It's fucking art, man.

Don't be a neanderthal.

Try this passage, now. This time, really try to see it for what it is. Try to see it how I see it.

!!31!!!!!111111111111

Sometimes, a helicopter is only a helicopter. That's what Rainbow DDash told herself as she approached the crash site of the mesna 221 helicopter that crashed in downtown manehatten. Princess Celestia knw athat she, Rainbow Dash, was the key operative of choice to investigate the fallen aircraft. shne walkied up to it wstriding with a greate stride until she was notse to nose with the helicncopter. "What's gfoing to happen,?" rainbow dash asked but she didn'r ereceieve an answer because she is just a bony from my little pony show and she couldn't answer with human words.

The helcocopter slithered away and Rainbow Dash had to speed up to acatch it. "I've gotta catch it before it takes off!" rainbown dsahss said. "Or else it will summon others!!"

enlisting the help of fluttershy they had a magical adventure full of whimsy and excitement where they caught the helicopter and saved the day. The end.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I hope you are a better writer now. Don't compe back without a piulitzer prize, my son.

thank you to the generous who let me do things to and for them for money. Your patience and money keeps me from having to sell my body for money because I can sell my mind to deranged bronies instead.

Previous Lesson: NOPE

Next Lesson: part 2

Comment of the Day:

Moonbeam474

Why the hell did you write this?! It's a crime against bronies everywhere!

Hey everyone. Hope you had a good turkey day if you are an American, or if you aren't, hope you enjoyed whatever it is you happened to do that day??

I've been on a dwarf fortress kick instead of writing lately, but I'm also teaching myself C# for a very important opportunity coming up for myself next week. It has to do with game development, and I'm not going to say anything about it yet, but I've got my fingers crossed. This could be really big for me.

Other than that, I'm just checking in about my Spiderses books and story commissions! I know a lot of people were on the fence about it, and with my rent payment for next month due in a little over a week, and with my money situation being what it is (I had $0.05 total before Black Friday), I'm ready to shake up the pot a little for you guys.

So, I'm lowering the price for a hardcover, signed, special edition copy of The Spiderses to (bigger and) $8, plus shipping (which should be about $2 or $3 wherever you are)

Like some other story of mine? What are you, some kind of chump? Anyway, any other story of mine, with running author commentary in the margins, is $4 plus shipping.

Did you read "custom story staring you"? Do you want that kind of laser-targeted literomancy fighting for whatever your dumb cause is? Variable rates for custom story commissions, but probably a penny a word or something? Half a penny a word? Shit, I dunno how this works, I'm not a fucking writer or something stupid like that.

Want me to do horrible things to a pony toy and send you the results in a box? Sounds fun, I can do that for money, too.

Seems like every time I make a post about this I get a few people e-mailing and I get some merchandise moved, so I guess the strategy has to be for me to make a post about this every day for the rest of my life, except that's awful and I won't do that. You guys are awesome for giving me the ability to monetize my stupid shit in the first place.

All this shit is made-to-order and if I divided the money I got for it by the amount of time I spent on each order, I'd be making less than minimum wage. And so far, all of my customers have been very satisfied, so what do you have to lose???????? dignity???????????????????????? I'll sell you mine.

But anyway, I still got shit in the works for this website. But, game development is taking front and center in my mind.

OH, I also made a pony-centric Tic-Tac-Toe game with graphics and sound and AI with three difficulty settings and all the works, as sort of a proof-of-concept and to teach myself SDL and refresh myself on C++. It's my first real game that isn't just text-based, and it's directly responsible for giving me the gamedev opportunity I mentioned at the beginning of the post. If anyone's interested in seeing that, just let me know.

Y'all are awesome.

E-mail / Paypal: argembarger@gmail.com

Why not? fun facts.

notes:

holy shit scootaloo

I'm glad my latest (posted) story is my most reviled. I'm finally hitting my stride.

I dunno lol

welp kids it's that time of the week again. Time for another argem story by me.

sometimes I wonder about writing but not today.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/62721/King-Gradients-and-the-Crazy-Crystal-Crew

Look, it's not even on the site at the time of this blog post. I'm giving you secret VIP access because I love you.

Read the story it's about the new season of ponies and don't you just love my little pony? that's why I wrote the story?

also buy shit from me if you can. people want to but then don't and I just ran out of cranberry juice and money.

truly these are the endtimes.

look at this shit

don't you want to buy this shit

Due to the unexpected level of response (read: any whatsoever), and the general (completely understandable) confusion in some of the e-mails I've gotten, I've decided to write a tl;dr summary of my last post that just lists projects, descriptions, and pricing.

As before, the main and most reliable way to contact me is via e-mail; argembarger@gmail.com. Basically, just because I almost always have it open in some tab, unlike FiMFic.

so anyway what do we got here

PROJECT

DESCRIPTION

PRICE

Writing commission

I write something that you want me to write, by your specifications. You choose format and delivery method.

Price Negotiated, troll shit discounted

Art commission

I draw a picture or comic or something else that you want me to draw, by your specifications. You choose format and delivery method.

Price Negotiated, troll shit discounted

A Copy of The Spiderses

I spend a commendable level of effort carefully constructing a physical copy of The Spiderses just for you. It won't be pretty, but it should be funny. Make your fallout-equestria-past-sins-hardcover-owning-friends jealous, or pity you! Comes with a bonus chapter, an introduction, and whatever else I see fit to include just for you. Copies numbered.

"Paperback" - (bigger and) $8

"Hardback" - (eight plus half of eight equals) $12

The Argempackage

Full of various nonsense, this is the Chef's Surprise deal. Could contain sketches, flash fiction, my tears, stuff like that all crammed into an envelope or box or something and mailed to you. The caveat is that you can't decide what I do (although you can totally include requests, and I'll try not to twist and pervert those requests too much), but on the other hand, you can pay whatever you want plus postage, but in some third hand, you get what you pay for.

Pay what you want + shipping (not that kind (ok well maybe))

Babby's First Video Games

So I have these two text-based "adventure" games, Helicopter Pilot.java and Goblin Kill.java. They're about what you would expect from me if you read any of my fic or look at any of my art: they're stupid and funny. I wrote them as a first year. I'm going to update them to my current abilities and expand them a bit, but they still won't be all that much of a 'gaming experience'. Still, they're dumb little novelties. Also if/when I end up making real games someday you can be insanely hipster. If you order them before I'm done updating them, you'll have to wait for me to finish. No way are these things worth $0.50 currently. Maybe $0.10.

$0.50 each

"Custom Ponies"

I creatively mutilate pony products for you, or die trying. Either by your specifications or by my own.

U Decide - Pony cost + $10 (or more for outlandish requests; will negotiate)

I Decide - Pony cost + $5 (at least one of us will have fun)

Some other third thing

I do something else I can reasonably do at my home or at my computer

Price Negotiated

Legalese:

I don't have to do something unless I've agreed to it AND you've already paid me. If those two things happen, I am legally bound by... uh, internet law.

100% satisfaction money-back guarantee or whatever, just e-mail me and we'll discuss it.

That's pretty much it I guess. Thanks guys.

Q: ARGEMBARGER

A: what the hell where am I

Q: ARG

A: is this some kind of bullshit faq format because a) no one asks me any questions so how can I generalize them into a faq b) these aren't questions and c) what the hell, man

Q: WHERE YOU BEEN ARG

A: School, mostly. Also, poni has just... started to bore me, I guess. I suppose I can only hold on to an obsession for so long.

Q: DOS THIS MENA YOUR NOT A BRONIE

A: Heh, "brony". What a concept! Pretty much yes. I'll probably watch season 3 but in the comfort of my own home.

Q: UR NO A BRON A I HATE UN NOE A BRONY NO ANYMORE

A: uh ok

Q: so what the hell are you doing then?

A: I'm studying computer science. I want to make video games.

Q: can u make pony game

A: Probably! Someday not too far off!

Q: wel why are un aa hear get starete on you game

A: I'm workin' on it! There's a lot that goes into stuff, not to mention I'm still in school and classes don't really mesh well with hobbying, which such a game would be. Classes kinda eat all of your time. I do my own coding projects here and there when I have large enough windows of time, but mostly it has to wait at least another semester.

Q: ok so what then

A: Well, I may not have enough time to design and build a video game but I do have enough time to finish the shitty little stories I started and left unfinished. Which I plan to do.

Q: that cant be all u tell the truth now

A: I'd also like to whore myself out!

Q: whaawahwahawahaaaaaaaaaaa

A: That's right! My current work-study income isn't quite enough to actually make ends meet for me. I mean, it does, but I'm pretty much left with nothing. If I didn't have roommates, I wouldn't be able to afford any groceries.

Q: how sad take ur begging somewher else we dont care

A: Probably not. I'm trying to get into a couple of independent-contractor style micro-jobs things and that's working out okay I guess.

Q: so why u here

A: Because the funnest possible way for me to make money would be for me to do the same stupid, arguably-funny stuff that I made friends with here in this strange-ass community of pony-loving weirdos.

Q: HEY THATS NOT NI-

A: I was rolling with pegabrothers and sisnies for a whole year I'm pretty sure I insulted myself too so calm down. Anyway, I don't necessarily NEED anything to come of this, but if it did, that would be awesome!

Q: Ok so what are you proposing.

A: WELL. If anyone's interested in helping an Argembarger-in-need out, there's a few things that could be done.

Q: Such as?

,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.

Help An Argembarger Foundation by Argembarger (bias-free and impartial to the end)

`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'`'*-.,.-*'

all u need is the ability to email and the ability to use paypal and possibly the ability to have an address

for further reference, my email is argembarger@gmail.com (woowowoowwoaaaaaaa)

CPAPTER ONE of the helping: writing comission

do you like my style of writing? if you're lookign at this that means you may have that like in you. Well have you ever wanted my stupid ass hadns and keyboard to write about a somethign i haven't write about but oyu wanted me to? well just simply ask~!

just send me an email w/ subject line "story commission" telling me what you want me to write and for how much money per word and we'll haggle it out until we're both happy with your stupid idea and miserly rates

and then I'll email you when I'm done and we'll have a mexican standoff where you want me to send the story first and I want you to send the money first until we're dripping with hate for one another

or something like that.

CHAPTER TWO: art comission????

haha really I mean

you can if you want. look at my deviantart page argembarger.deviantart.com for examples of what the hell I art like-as.

just send me an email w/ subject line "art commission" and magic will happen.

3: send you a picture of my di

NO

foru time: the delux argempacksage

warning: for true fans/crazies only

warning: you have to have a place where mail can be sent that you can access

there are two ways this can go down.

A the boring option: you tell me anything you want me to mail you. stories, sketches, uh hair??, personal message, whatever and I tell you what it will cost.

B the fun exciting one: you give me money that covers at least the cost of postage to you and I'll send you in the mail something that I think is worth that money.

possible contents:

DELUXE HARDCOVER COPY OF THE SPIDERSES actually it's a shitty printed copy I printed myself

got friends who have copies of past sins or fallout equestriea? want to make them jealous? this will do it maybe. A paper copy of spiderses printed by me, myself! Every copy is completely unique and numbered. You'll never know what you'll get, but it will be as shitty as the story itself, so be warned!

Warning: may come with secret BONUS CHAPTERS

sketch time

oh man a sketch this is self-explanatory

The Argemcompilation

some stories or sketches with me possibly hand-writing dumb shit in the margins. The DELUXE HARDCOVER COPY OF THE SPIDERSES will probably also have handwritten additions.

the story: STARRING YOU!!!

I write a story about you

my tears

maybe I'll cry ever tim on the envelope and you can see my passion

CHAPTER FIVE: doing the thing I'm studying in school

Want me to code you something? Really? because I totally might be able to.

I could also send you copies of the two (text based, in java) games I've already made, HELICOPTER PILOT and GOBLIN KILL! I wrote them when I was a little first-year babby so they're not spectacular but they are certainly what you might expect from me.

Just let me know in email what you want and I'll tell you if I can handle that or not.

chapter 6 custom ponies toys

haha I guess so I've never done it but whatever, man.

I could mutilate one and make it look really stupid and that would be like a custom.

CHptater 7: some other third thing

Want something I didn't list? Just e-mail me and we'll discuss it! I could sing you a song or something. I dunno. As with anything else, I reserve the right to refuse to do anything unless A) I agreed to it and B) I got paid already.

and of course I'm willing to give refunds for unsatisfied customers but that would really kill the purpose of this so lets make sure not to leave anyone unsatisfied eh?

Thanks for just reading this far, guys. I hate to be a whore but I hope that my execution makes up for my motivation.

Feel free to send me an e-mail if any of this stuff interests you and you have excess money. argembarger@gmail.com, if you didn't catch it before.

-Argembarger