Braving a snowstorm, I'd set out to buy a birthday cake for my best friend. What I came back with were two strange-looking, half-frozen butt-naked women who were potentially hobo prostitutes.
My best friend, Veronica, had turned twenty-one today, and I wanted to do something nice for her. Everything was set: the food was ready, her gift was neatly wrapped on my desk, our apartment looked a hell of a lot tidier than it usually did – it was perfect. Until I realized that I'd forgotten to get a cake.
But then after braving the snowstorm that had blown in and getting to the bakery, I found two strange-looking, half-frozen butt-naked women on my way home.
The snow had started much earlier and much heavier than I had expected it to, but those weather forecasters were so full of it anyway. It was hard to see with all the snow blowing in my face, but thankfully I had my panda hat – a gift from my own mother, of all people – protecting the majority of my head along with my scarf. Every step I took chilled my bones, and despite the fact that I was wearing my thick boots, my feet were starting feel the bite as well, seeing as there was already almost a foot of snow blanketing the ground.
Seriously, it was just that cold. A huge storm front had been angling its way over towards the east coast for the better part of the last week, and it had arrived in our area now, its entrance unfortunately heralded by an intense blizzard. The news said something about it being like ten degrees Fahrenheit, with the wind chill putting it at almost below zero.
And now here I was, making my way through the mess.
To get cake.
“I can’t, cannot believe I forgot to get her a fucking cake. Present? Yes. Dinner? Yes. Cake? Nope!” I groused. Really, I felt like a Wheatley-grade moron.
My best friend, Veronica, had turned twenty-one today, and I wanted to do something nice for her. On top of that, we had just finished our fall semester, much to our relief, so some celebration was in order. We were renting out an apartment together near our college – we’d figured that it’d be cheaper than dorming – and she had to work a bit later than usual tonight, so that had given me some time to spruce the place up a bit and scrounge up a nice dinner for her.
Everything was set: the food was ready, my gift for her was wrapped up neatly on my desk, the apartment looked a hell of a lot tidier than it usually did – it was perfect.
But then I realized that I had forgotten to get a cake.
Fortunately for me, there was a small bagel place only a convenient seven-minute walk away (but unfortunately for me, with the weather and increasingly low visibility it was more like fifteen minutes). It was actually a small bakery run by a father-daughter team, both of whom I knew quite well after over a year of being a regular customer since moving into the city. They had a variety of pastries and cakes available, but mainly specialized in bagels because of the crowds of morning and midday commuters, such as myself. Veronica didn’t seem to like the store for some reason, which made me sad; they had really good bagels.
It was also a Saturday, which meant that they would be open until nine, and it was still only six-fifteen by the time I was within sight of it, which meant I had more than enough time.
Encouraged by the sight, I walked as fast as my stiff legs would allow me to, pushed open the door, just about slammed it shut, and shivered in appreciation as a comforting arm of warm air caressed my popsicle of a face.
“Damn, bro, ya look like hell now, don’tcha?” a rough, feminine voice commented with a whistle.
I turned to see Sidaine Zagel, the daughter of Marcus Zagel and the co-owner of Zagels’ Bagels – that really was the name of the store – leaning over the countertop. Her dad was a really relaxed and casual older man, though still spry, in his late fifties, while she herself was a few years older than Veronica and I at twenty-seven. I didn’t see Marcus, so I guessed that Sidaine must’ve sent him home once the weather took a turn for the worse.
Sidaine, like her name, was a bit unusual (along with Marcus, to an extent). The first thing one would notice about her would be her often outrageously colored hair. I had no idea what her original hair color was, seeing as she changed hair colors every month or so. The first time I met her, her hair had been bright orange. It was such a garish color for hair if you asked me, but she somehow managed to pull off and still look good. For December, she had chosen an interesting shade of tropical blue. The other noticeable thing was that she always wore contacts that were a darker shade of purple, which coincidentally happened to be one of my favorite colors. To be honest, she probably wouldn’t have looked too out of place in a store like Spencer’s or Hot Topic.
Her personality tended to be dynamic, though she was predominantly like a cool big sis type of person . . . except that this big sis was really beautiful and always flirted with customers – especially me for some reason – even in front of her dad, who somehow took it in stride. (Sometimes I even had the feeling that Marcus liked to see his customers flustered by his attractive daughter. It probably brought in more regulars or something.)
Like I said, unusual.
“Hey there, Sid,” I greeted, slightly out of breath from the cold. I ruffled myself to shake the accumulated snow off of myself, and a whole bunch of the stuff fell onto the welcome mat. “It is damn cold outside. I’m actually surprised you’re still open.”
Sidaine gave a shrug in answer, and then giggled as I took off my hat. “Ya got some really bad hat-hair, Panda,” she snickered while pointing at my head, causing me to roll my eyes. When I had met her last year, I had also been wearing my panda hat because, appearances be damned, it got really cold in this city. Since then, the shopkeeper had taken to calling me ‘Panda’.
In retrospect, Sidaine was probably why Veronica didn’t like to come here; the few times that I’d managed to get her to come with me, she always got angry at Sidaine, who would then proceed to infuriate my best friend even more with her naturally teasing personality. Veronica got especially pissed off whenever Sidaine called me her ‘Panda-bear’, though I could never figure out why.
“I’d rather have bad hair than freeze my ass off, dude,” I grumbled, shaking my hat as well as patting down my hair. I set it down on one of the few chairs in the shop, along with my gloves and scarf, and walked over to the counter, staring at the glass display for baked goods. “Anyways, you got any decent cake?” I inquired directly, a little too irritated by the weather at that point for pleasantries.
Sidaine snorted and waved her hand. “Ya see it here,” she announced with a half-hearted gesture to the display, “we probably got it. Was a slow day today, though that ain’t a surprise with the shitty weather an’ all, y’know?” She scrunched up her nose in disgust.
I gave a commiserating look. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. But at least I’m here, right?” When she gave me a surprised expression, I realized what I’d just said and hastily tacked on, “To buy something! I’m here to buy something.” There was an awkward pause. “. . . from your store,” I finished lamely.
Sidaine, as I half-expected her to, suddenly grinned slyly. “Ya know I’m always down ta see ya, my Panda-bear. Now if only ya’d show me yer bamboo stick . . .” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Despite the corniness of that old come-on, I had to raise a hand to my face to hide my blush and stifle my groan. “Sid, please. I’m not in the mood for this. I just want the damn cake.”
“Oh, I’m always in the mood,” she pouted with a breathy sigh and an impish glint in her eyes. “But fine. What kinda cake didja want?”
“You got any red velvet cake?” I asked.
With some amount of hope, I watched as Sidaine scanned the shelves and then disappeared into the back of the store. When she returned a moment later, clicking her tongue and shaking her head, I felt that hope die.
“Sorry, we’re all outta those, bro,” she said apologetically.
“Damn,” I groaned. “Is there anything else you have similar to that then?”
She tapped her chin thoughtfully, leaning forward on the counter with her arms folded. “We do have a buncha red velvet mini-cupcakes I saw, if those’re okay with ya,” she offered with an innocent shrug, which caused my eyes to gravitate towards a certain well-endowed area as they were squished together.
“I’ll take the boobs,” my mouth said immediately. “I mean – damn it, Sidaine!”
She snorted then burst out laughing while I tried to hide my face again.
XXXXX-XXXXX
A minutes later left my wallet fifteen dollars lighter with a dozen cupcakes in hand and a blush only partially from the cold on my face.
. . . Stupid, sexy Sidaine.
At least she and Marcus had been giving me friend prices recently. Red velvet cupcakes, even the minis, usually went for like twenty-five dollars to the dozen, because they were red velvet and gourmet cupcakes are usually expensive in the first place. But forty percent off? I was definitely willing to bear her teasing for that much of a discount. They must’ve really liked me.
That, or I really amused Sidaine just then. If that was the case, it must’ve been a pretty boring day at the bakery. Really, it wasn’t my fault she always wore her shirts with the top buttons undone.
. . . Stupid, sexy Sidaine.
I sighed and shifted the package in my hand, trying not to shiver. I hoped that I would get home before Veronica. And before I froze to death.
“Remind me why I went out to get cake, I mean cupcakes, in the middle of a blizzard?” I complained aloud. “Oh wait, it’s because I’m a fucking idiot. Twice over now for this. I really should’ve gotten a cake earlier.”
Grumbling a bit more, I mustered up the strength to walk a tiny bit faster, but my legs were still stiff. I debated for a moment on whether or not to cut through the park across from the apartment complex, as there was over a foot of snow already and would be a bitch to get through, but when a gust of wind cut at my face, loosening my scarf slightly, I immediately turned to the park.
“Screw it, I just wanna get home,” I growled. “This storm’s getting worse anyway.”
Trudging through the snowed-in park, it was also a good thing I’d memorized how to get home because I could barely see anything, it was all powdery white. The lamps were helping somewhat, if only to see where the next one was so that I could find my way. They lit a clear path to an entrance right in front of the apartment complex, so all I had to do was follow them.
Just as I was nearing the entrance, I paused as I spotted a suspicious mound in the snow near the next lamp. It wasn’t a park bench or a bush – it wasn’t the right shape or height, for one – and I very highly doubted somebody would be stupid enough to make a snowman in this weather.
I glanced further up ahead and faintly saw the front of the apartment complex through holes in the swirling white blanket. Again I debated internally for a moment, but my stupid sense of curiosity won and I begrudgingly went over to investigate. Besides, I figured, home is right there anyway.
I was hoping it was nothing, but as I grew closer, a feeling of horror washed over me.
Outlined there in the snow, I could see two figures partially covered in snow. Their faces were the most visible, but it was quite obvious that they were unconscious.
“What the fuck!?” I cried, nearly dropping my package in shock.
I couldn’t believe it. What in the hell could have caused these two to be out here? I rushed forward to see if they were still alive, and tried desperately not to panic.
Setting the package down nearby, I urgently brushed the snow from their bodies. That urgency turned into alarm when I discovered that they were women . . . and that they weren’t wearing any clothing. As in, none whatsoever. And they were shivering pretty badly.
“You have got to be shitting me,” I mumbled, almost deliriously. “I might be dealing with near-dead, naked hobo prostitutes here.”
My hands ungloved themselves and went straight to the first one, an older-looking woman’s neck and wrist. Her pulse was weak, but still there nonetheless. That was a start. I checked the younger-looking one. She was in the same state.
Alarm soon gave way to momentary confusion. “Okay, now I’m relieved and all, but how the fuck are you two still alive? You guys should be dead.”
I was no expert in treating illnesses, and I’d never known anyone with hypothermia, but as far as I knew, it was impossible to survive in zero degree weather with absolutely no clothes on. Perhaps that had been an indication that this had happened recently, even mere minutes ago. But if that was the case, then why did they look like they’d been out here for at least half an hour, judging by the amount of snow on them . . . ?
I stood up, paralyzed for a second about what to do, and absently started to reach for my cell phone before I realized that, in my haste to go to the store, I’d left it on my desk.
Biting my lip, I glanced between the two women, who were starting to shiver profusely, and the apartment complex. It wasn’t that far away, and they didn’t look all that heavy . . .
I shook my head – my indecisiveness was costing us all precious time.
“Damn whoever did this to you,” I murmured with a sigh to the unconscious women. “And damn me for being such a nice guy.”
I put my gloves back on, grabbed the package and haphazardly shoved it as best as I could into my largest coat pocket. With that done, I crouched down and lifted both of them at the same time around their torsos. I was partially right – they weren't that heavy, and were pretty petite, but their combined weight made things a little bit tougher.
I winced to myself. This was going to be fun, I could tell. With a resolute grunt, I slung both of them over my shoulders, which cried out at the weight, and shakily stood up. My already stiff body protested against my new cargo, but I ignored it dutifully.
Now I just had to cross the street, and I did so, making sure to keep an eye on the two women or any potential passersby. As I neared the entrance, I was thankful for the automatic doors, which made things much easier, not to mention that the entrance was deserted.
This would have looked really awkward if I had been seen. Not only that, but this entire neighborhood, and even my apartment complex, though somewhat high scale for Downtown, had some pretty shady characters I’d seen skulking around, and these two poor souls were not going to suffer whatever fate they would have been left to had someone else found them. Not if I had anything to say about it.
With an aching leg, I kicked the elevator control, and one elevator opened immediately. I stepped in and again kicked in the number to my floor. A tense minute later, I stepped out into the hallway, shuffling rapidly to my door. I grimaced for a second; I’d probably have to set one of them down to get my keys.
Quickly I did just that, setting the older woman down and unlocking my door. I moved swiftly inside the apartment, and as gently as I could, I set the younger woman down on the couch before going back for her companion.
With both of them safely inside and my neighbors none the wiser, I breathed a sigh of relief. ‘How Not To Be Seen,’ indeed. That entire ordeal had been a miracle in and of itself.
Now that that was over with, I observed them in the light of my apartment; I’d been too busy panicking to really get a good look at them, and what I saw startled me.
They definitely were not hobo prostitutes.
AsI looked them over, I noticed that the older one was about Veronica’s height, which was around five foot six, while the other looked to be four inches or so shorter. They were, to put it bluntly, incredibly beautiful – I purposefully looked anywhere but their rather large . . . well, anywhere but their front areas in general – and the only thing I could think of was ‘regal’ for some reason. Both women also had strange tattoos on their either side of their upper thighs; the older woman had a depiction of the sun while the other had a crescent moon.
But what really caught my eye was their hair. The older woman had long, flowing locks of pastel multicolored hair, while the younger had a deep, dark, possibly midnight blue hue to hers with white dots splattered about. I looked at the latter’s a bit more closely; that wasn’t residual snow on her hair, but something to the effect of sparkles or stars. Both of their hair also seemed to be moving from some breeze, despite the fact that there was no breeze in the apartment. And it all seemed natural, because I couldn’t see the normal pigment discoloration from dyes or bleach that I usually saw on Sidaine on either of them. Not to mention that in the quick glimpse I had allowed myself, the carpet definitely matched the drapes.
This was not normal. Not at all.
A quiet whimper came from both of them, and I realized that they still had hypothermia.
And it was getting late and Veronica wasn’t home yet.
Just to top things off, there was a sudden series of loud knocks on the door.
“Yo, Panda-bear, Veronica, you in?” a voice exclaimed. “I got my hands on a brand-new hookah set that’s pretty sick!”
“ . . . Shit,” I hissed to myself. “It’s Katie.”
Katie was our apartment complex’s friendly neighborhood drug dealer who had inexplicably befriended the both us when we first moved in. She also evidently knew Sidaine, because she’d started calling me Panda as well, not too long after I’d met the shopkeeper. She actually reminded me strongly of James Franco’s character from Pineapple Express and liked to ‘Blue Skidoo’, as she so endearingly called it, into other people’s apartments from time to time to chill, usually whenever she was as higher than a satellite in orbit. Ours especially so because, as a going away present from my dad, I owned one of the only fifty-two inch TVs in the building – a fact Katie never failed to remind me of every time she came over – and a copy of Adventure Time from my sister lying around somewhere.
Though Veronica was more amiable, I was initially understandably more than a little annoyed by Katie’s behavior. But after the first few times when she didn’t jack any of our stuff (only our food) while we weren’t looking, I let it slide. She occasionally even bought us Chinese take-out as a sort of apology, and ever since we told her that we liked hookah she usually brought over her personal set for a session, so for the most part it evened out in the end.
When I’d asked my neighbors as to why they didn’t kick her out of their apartments either, they’d told me that she didn’t do anything suspicious and that it was hard to dislike her anyway. I could see that; she was certainly overly friendly enough. There were times though that I wondered when we had gained another roommate, she was over so often.
But now was really not a good time.
Moving closer to the door, I said so aloud. “Really not a good time, Katie. I’m a bit busy.”
“C’mon man, I just wanna show this to you real quick!” Katie whined through the door.
I could feel a vein pulse in my forehead. “Please, Katie. Not. Now,” I ground out, glancing wearily at my two new tenants.
“Psh, alrighty then,” she scoffed. “I’ll come back later, after you untwist your panties, dude.” Her footsteps shuffled by my door then began to fade down the hallway.
I breathed deeply. This was not how I expected this night to go.
Shaking my thoughts away, I went into the bathroom to get some towels to wipe them down and dry them off.
(I hated to say it, but this wasn’t the first time I’d dealt with unconscious women covered in snow – or worse. I’d thrown a few house parties back in high school, and long story short, as the ever helpful host, I once had to give a girl a bath after she’d showered my floor with puke and then passed out – in the puke.)
When that was done, I moved the two women one at a time into my room and onto my bed and arranged them so that they were side by side. I was absently surprised that they were petite enough for there to be extra space; my bed wasn’t exactly large. Afterwards I moved over to my desk, nearly tore off my laptop’s screen upon opening it, and immediately googled ‘how to treat severe hypothermia’.
“C’mon, google-fu, help me out here,” I mumbled, keeping an eye out on the two.
When the search results loaded, I opened the first link I saw. “‘First thing to do is prevent–’ Yeah, no shit. Blah, blah, blah . . . Okay here we go: ‘Remove wet clothing’. They’re naked,” I deadpanned. “Blah, blah, blah . . . ‘Skin-to-skin contact’? Uh . . .”
I blinked. The thought had honestly not occurred to me.
“That’s . . . kind of awkward. Any alternatives?” I scrolled down some more. “‘Use an electric blanket’. Okay. Okay, I can do that.”
Veronica and I had an electric blanket from her mother that we shared on colder nights back home or whenever the heater acted up here in the apartment. We usually kept it in the closet by the front door, where I snagged it and made a beeline back to my room, pausing only to get a few more towels from the bathroom.
I quickly plugged in the electric blanket and draped it as best I could over my two impromptu patients, tucking their arms and legs underneath it. Above that, I placed my thick comforter as an extra layer and folded the towels to cover the tops of their heads.
After a few moments, I checked on them again and sighed again in relief. One good thing was that the two strange women weren’t shivering as badly as before, and their breathing was more normal instead of the previously shallow breaths. It meant that, according to the website, CPR wasn’t necessary.
The site had also said that gradual warming was needed – hence the electric blanket – especially around the more central areas of the body, namely their torsos, and keeping the head covered would help keep in body heat. Warming their extremities first would cause shock and immediate warming overall would cause heart arrhythmia. The first would suck because I wasn’t a damn nurse, and the second would suck because I did not want to have a Hisao-case on my hands and I wasn’t the damn Nurse.
I would have gone to the hospital for them, but for one thing, Veronica was the one with the car, not me, and for another, I couldn’t afford to dish out money for an ambulance ride. Seriously, they’re expensive. And besides, I had managed to get them stable and warm now, and they were out of immediate danger of failing health as far as I could tell. Maybe once the storm died down, I’d ask Veronica to take us there.
“Shit. Veronica!” I slapped my forehead, returning to my desk and fumbling for my phone. I immediately called her off of my speed-dial and waited tersely while glancing at my patients.
The line connected. “What’s up, Panda?” Veronica greeted calmly. Despite her nonexistent friendship with Sidaine, even she had gotten into calling me by that nickname, much to my amusement.
“Oh good, you’re alright,” I breathed in relief. “I thought that you might be stuck out in the middle of the road or something.”
“Nah, I’m fine. Sorry I’m taking so long, there was a bunch of people in line buying supplies and stuff at the store,” I heard her chuckle. “Since I’m twenty-one now, I picked up some booze for tonight that I just finished getting into the car. Right now I’m warming it up and waiting for the trucks to finish clearing the roads, then I’ll be home in a little bit for a party~” she sang with a giggle.
I grimaced. “Yeah, about that . . . something’s come up,” I stated seriously.
There was a pause before she spoke again. “Giovanni, what’s wrong?” She only called me by my full first name when we were having a serious conversation, which this definitely qualified as.
“I went out to buy a cake for you from the bagel place, because I’d forgotten to get one before. On my way back, I cut through the park, but then . . .”
“Then?”
I exhaled and glanced again to my two patients. “I found two women, two naked women, in the park. Veronica, they were unconscious and nearly frozen to death.”
She gasped. “Dude, are you serious? Are they alright!?” she asked worriedly.
“Severe hypothermia, as far as I can tell. They’re still unconscious, but a bit more stable now. They’re really lucky I found them,” I said bluntly. “I have them in my room right now, warming up underneath the electric blanket.”
“Wait, what the hell were they doing out there?” Veronica asked again, this time in a slightly less urgent tone.
I shrugged, despite knowing that she wouldn’t see. “Fuck if I know. But, moving on, can you do something for me?”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Since you’re still out, can you get some heating pads? I think those’ll help. Oh, and some tea? I also know we’re all out of chicken noodle soup, and when they wake up, they’ll need some of that stuff too. Pretty much anything to help them warm up will do.” I scrubbed at my hair in exhaustion. “Can you get those? Please?”
“Yeah, of course,” she quickly agreed.
I sighed in relief yet again. “Thanks, Veronica.”
“Don’t you worry your fluffy head, Panda,” she returned, and I could hear a slight grin in her voice. “Now go on and play doctor for your patients.”
Despite the situation, I couldn’t hold back a snort. “I thought I was already doing that.”
We spoke for another minute then said our goodbyes and hung up.
But as soon as I put the phone down, it vibrated then played the ringtone for when I received text messages. With a raised eyebrow, I picked it up and opened the message.
gio, remember when i said i was coming to stay with you guys for christmas? well your mother’s making me leave early because her, your sister and veronica’s parents will be leaving for that cruise, so i’ll be driving over there in the morning. i should be at your apartment at 11 or so. you me n veronica can get brunch or something.
dad
p.s. i hear it’s snowing pretty badly over there. you said your apartment’s heater acts up sometimes so i’m bringing over an extra space heater for you guys. :)
For a long moment I stared at my phone, then at the two strange women wrapped up in blankets and sleeping fitfully on my bed, then at the squished package of mini-cupcakes I’d taken out of my coat pocket earlier, then at the almost forgotten neatly wrapped box that was Veronica’s birthday present sitting on my desk.
Groaning, I sank onto my chair and covered my face with my hands.
This was really not how I expected this night to go.
I contemplated my navel for a few more minutes before deciding that I needed a cigarette. There was no way I was dealing with the situation without nicotine in my system, and potentially alcohol too when Veronica finally arrived.
Normally I’d have a smoke on the small balcony of our apartment, but that was all but blocked by snow at the moment. There was a side entrance to the building near the adjacent parking garage that was covered by a canopy, and I figured that it wouldn’t be too snowed-in, so I decided to head there. I’d also glanced out the window and noted much to my annoyance that the snow had stopped.
Shrugging my jacket back on and lacing up my boots, I gave one last glace over to the two women lying on my bed, making sure nothing was amiss, before heading out of the apartment.
Of course, as chance would have it, a wild Katie appeared, sitting cross-legged against the far wall of the hallway between the two elevators while waiting to pounce upon unwary stragglers for food. When she spotted me, I actually almost wished that I had a can of Repel.
“Hiyo, Panda,” she said with a smirk. “Got them panties untwisted then?”
As she stood up to greet me, I once again noticed that at her full height, Katie didn’t even reach the top of my chest. Her hair was long and light blonde, tied up in a loose, poofy ponytail, and green eyes sparkled with mischief. She was currently dressed in skinny jeans, slip-on shoes and a green cut-off tank-top that matched her eyes despite the cold weather, the crazy woman. All-in-all, as usual, I couldn’t help but label her as attractive.
I also noted that she was sober too, the last time I’d seen her in such a state being a week ago.
I glanced away uncomfortably at her question. “Yeah, well . . . look, I’m sorry about before, Katie,” I apologized. “It’s just that something strange came up and I panicked.”
Katie shrugged. “Hey, it’s cool,” she said and gave me an easy smile.
“. . . Really?” I asked, slightly disbelieving her.
“Yeah, you’re on your period.” Her smile turned back into a teasing smirk as she brought an arm up to pat my shoulder mock-sympathetically. “I understand.”
I huffed a laugh and shook my head. “Yeah, of course. That’s it.”
“So where ya goin’ anyway?” she asked, poking at my coat curiously.
“Going downstairs for a cig,” I answered, checking my phone for the time. It was seven-forty now, so I figured that maybe I’d meet Veronica in the garage since she was coming home soon anyway.
I slipped it back into my pocket and looked up, and Katie was giving me that damnable puppy-dog-eyed expression.
“. . . And I bet you want one too, don’t you,” I deadpanned. When she nodded enthusiastically, I snorted. “Go get your coat then. I don’t want you getting sick.”
“You got it, bro!” Katie beamed at me and snapped a casual salute before knocking on a nearby apartment door. “Hey, it’s Katie. Is my jacket still in there?”
In response, the door opened a bit and the requested jacket was thrown at the wall. “Stop leaving your shit in here, Katie!” I heard an irritated voice mutter before the door slammed shut.
“Thanks dude!” Katie said gratefully, and picked up and slipped on her jacket. She then turned to me, ignoring my bemused expression. “C’mon, let’s go!”
XXXXX-XXXXX
“I’m still sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rude before.”
“Don’tcha worry about it, Panda.” Katie waved my apology off again, exhaling a puff of cigarette smoke that eventually turned into her condensed breath. “Like I said, you’re on your period, I know.” She gave me another teasing grin. I rolled my eyes, taking a pull from my cigarette. “Whatever, Katie.”
“Love you too, Panda,” she said cheekily, sticking out her tongue.
I found myself chuckling along with her, until a sudden gust of wind cut at our faces.
“Damn, it’s cold!” she said with a shiver. Unexpectedly, she came to my side and burrowed herself under my arm. Since Katie was much shorter than me, her head fit perfectly in the crook of my arm and shoulder. “Ah, you’re warm, Panda,” she cooed contentedly.
I started in surprise, but then rolled my eyes again, adjusting to hold Katie. “Well, yeah. I mean, I am a panda after all,” I said sarcastically, getting a giggle from her.
We stood in a comfortable silence for another minute before she spoke up again. “So what’s up with you anyway? Somethin’ bad happened?” Inquiring green eyes turned upon me.
I debated internally for a second before deciding to tell her of what had happened. Flighty she may be, but Katie was pretty dependable.
“The reason I was so annoyed before was because . . . well, to be blunt, I found two unconscious naked women freezing to death in the park on my way home,” I explained slowly.
“So let me guess. Being the Good Samaritan you are, you have them on your bed under a buncha blankets,” she deadpanned, idly pushing back a lock of hair that had blown in her face. “Or am I wrong?”
I snorted in slight surprise, taking another drag. Katie could be astonishingly sharp, when she felt like it. And when she was sober.
“No, that’s about right,” I said. “I was panicking earlier because they have hypothermia, but I’ve managed to get them stable now. I’m really glad I found them, otherwise they would’ve been dead. And I don’t really want to think about what would’ve happened if somebody else had found them.”
I paused to give her an apologetic look. “I would’ve asked you for help before too, but like I said, I was panicking and I didn’t know what to do at the time. I’m sorry.”
There was another short period of silence and I glanced down again at Katie, who was staring at me with a contemplative expression.
“. . . You’re such a good guy, Giovanni,” she muttered a moment later, flicking her spent cigarette out into a nearby pile of snow.
Part of me wanted to ask why she’d said that, even using my real name for once, but she continued on before I could open my mouth.
“So where’s Veronica anyway?” she asked, huddling against me further.
Briefly, I marveled at the oddity of the women in my life, absently dropping and grinding my own cigarette into the slush under my heel.
I refocused a moment later, answering, “That’s actually part of the reason I’m down here. She’s supposed to come home soon with some stuff I asked her to buy for the two upstairs.”
Just as I said that, I saw her car come turn the corner down the block.
“And here she comes now, actually,” I commented. “I’m gonna go meet her.”
As I started towards the parking garage, I heard Katie yelp as she followed me and then caught up to my side.
I gave her a side glance. “You know, you don’t have to come with me. You’re not even wearing boots,” I observed. The streets and driveways were clear, but the sidewalks – not so much. Thus her exposed feet were pretty much covered with snow as the two of us trudged onwards.
“Y-Yeah, but I g-got nothin’ else b-better to do,” Katie managed through chattering teeth as she clutched at my arm to stabilize herself. “. . . Though I k-kinda wish that I t-thought this through a little m-more.”
“Right,” I said, not without some amusement.
As the car drew near and finally slowed to turn into the garage, I waved to its driver. “Veronica!” I called, and by my side, Katie waved as well.
As she pulled into the entrance driveway, Veronica stopped and rolled down her window. “Hey guys,” she greeted with a smile. “You didn’t have to come down here to meet me, Panda,” she said to me.
I shrugged and started to say something when Katie interrupted me. “We c-came down f-for a bogue,” she explained, using the slang term for a cigarette. “Then we j-just waited for you to come h-home.”
Veronica gave Katie a concerned look. “Katie, you alright?”
The blonde shook her head. “My f-feet are f-freezing!” She let go of my arm and sprinted towards the car.
Before either Veronica or I knew what was going on, Katie had crawled onto the car, hugging the hood.
“Beam me up, Scotty!” she cried. “Take us home!”
“Katie!” Veronica stuck her head out of the window in consternation. “Damn it, get the hell off my car!” She turned to me. “Giovanni, get her off!” she demanded.
I palmed my face.
XXXXX-XXXXX
“So these are the two mystery women, huh?” Veronica mused once she had calmed down and Katie had dried off and we’d brought all of the stuff back to the apartment.
The three of us were gathered in my now-crowded room. I was leaning against the wall adjacent to the door with my arms crossed and a bottle of water in hand, Katie had perched herself upon my desk, swinging her legs, and Veronica had claimed my chair and was sitting in it backwards. All of us were observing to two on my bed.
“Yep. No clothes, no ID – nothing.” I gave a shrug. “Though they look a hell of lot better now than when I dragged them in here, that’s for sure.”
Veronica stared at them for a long moment before turning to me. “What’s up with their hair? Are they hipsters or something?” she asked me in confusion. Katie looked at me as well.
“Why are you asking me?” I said, throwing my hands up in exasperation. “I’m just the one who found them.”
“Suspicious, suspicious,” Katie mumbled aloud. She hopped off my desk and walked around Veronica to get a closer look at the unconscious women.
And then she poked the older one in the face.
“Katie!” Veronica yelped.
“The hell are you doing?” I demanded, starting forward. “Stop that, they’re sick!”
To my alarm, she began to show signs of waking up. Her eyelids fluttered briefly before opening, revealing pink irises that looked blearily at the ceiling. Given the oddness of the whole situation in general, I found myself surprisingly unsurprised. They might have been contacts, but if that was the case, then her eyes would be stinging pretty badly when she recovered.
“Ooh, she’s waking up!” Katie murmured excitedly.
The woman glanced towards the sound of her voice and her eyes widened in alarm.
Damn it. What the woman needed was a calm environment after what she’d endured, and Katie was not helping matters.
“Okay. You two, out. Now. This room’s too crowded and she needs space,” I said authoritatively, pointing to the door. To expedite things, I casually mentioned, “Veronica, I made your favorite today – and no, I haven’t forgotten; tortellini with pesto. It’s in the fridge, and it’s all yours if you get Katie out of here.”
As soon as I said that, Veronica all but grabbed Katie in a chokehold and bolted out the door. “Thanks, Panda!” she called over her shoulder, ignoring Katie’s screams for help.
“And heat up some water for tea, please?”
“You got it!”
I closed the door, letting out a small sigh, before turning to the woman, who was staring at me. Underneath the towels, I could make out her expression of wariness upon her face.
“Sorry about them,” I said more to myself, carefully moving to take a seat. The last thing I wanted to do was to be mistaken as a kidnapper, or worse, a rapist. “Can you understand me?” I said in a soft tone of voice.
She slowly nodded her head. “Wh . . .” she started with a croak.
“Don’t talk just yet,” I said urgently, shushing her. She complied, still looking at me wearily.
I knew that she would need hot liquids, but until I could make that tea, lukewarm water would have to suffice. I cracked open my water bottle and raised it carefully to her mouth, and she took a few small gulps.
“That better?” I asked gently. She nodded in assent, her eyes having not left my face. “Stay calm, okay? Now, I’m going to get you something warmer to drink. I’ll just be a moment.”
Standing up and trying to ignore the stare that was no doubt following my movement, I walked out of my room and headed into the kitchen, where Veronica and Katie were patiently waiting at the table for the microwave to beep.
“Really? The microwave? You could’ve used the stove to reheat it,” I commented, moving to the electric kettle we had as it started to boil over. Apparently there was enough water in it for one cup, which made it heat faster.
Veronica deflected my statement with, “So how is she?”
“She seems a little scared, but I would be too if I found myself in strange place,” I responded, reaching for a mug and a teabag from the cabinets.
“That happened to me a few times,” Katie admitted shamelessly.
“Of course,” Veronica snorted, reaching over and patting our stoner friend on the head like a dog.
Rolling my eyes, I poured the hot water over the tea bag and let it sit for a minute before picking it up.
“I’m heading back to talk to her. Do not make a mess in my kitchen,” I warned the two.
The two looked like the picture of false innocence. “Who, me?” Veronica said dramatically. “Never!”
I snorted, but let it slide. Veronica couldn’t cook to save her life, and both she and Katie relied on me to make food when we didn’t feel like ordering take-out. Katie on the other hand was a messy eater. Very messy. Really, sometimes I felt like a housewife with those two around.
Leaving the kitchen, I went back into my room with the mug in hand.
I stopped in my doorway for a moment. The strange woman was sitting up, having pushed off part of the blanket away, and was leaning over her companion in obvious worry and concern, but also confusion. I wondered about the last emotion I read before stepping in fully, catching her attention as she looked in my direction.
“Hey, I’m back,” I said with my best smile. She smiled back, albeit somewhat hesitantly, but I counted that as a success in my book. “Here, some hot tea for you.” I raised the mug in question, moving towards her to give her the steaming mug.
She took it with another small but thankful smile, reaching out with shaking hands. I frowned internally, feeling like an idiot again; I should’ve known that she was still recovering, after all. Gently, I wrapped my hand around hers, ignoring her surprised expression, and helped her take a few careful sips.
What I noticed as I did so was that it was almost as if she had no idea how to hold a cup. Her fingers were twitchy and moved erratically, and it was like she didn’t seem to grasp the concept of gripping – hah, irony. The thought was silly, I’d admit, but that was what it looked like. Maybe it was because she was still affected by the cold, and her body was still stiff.
A moment later, she had apparently had enough, so I released her hands, took the mug and placed it on my desk. I then sat down on my chair and clasped my hands together on top of my legs.
“So,” I started after a short silence. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” she whispered, sounding a lot healthier than before.
I nodded. “That’s good, that’s good. Now, I hate to cut to the chase, but I’m guessing you have questions. Like why you’re here, who I am, what happened – that kind of stuff.”
The woman nodded hesitantly.
“Okay, for starters, my name’s Giovanni. I found you and your friend over there” – I nodded to the other woman by her side – “out in the park in the middle of a blizzard, the both of you naked as anything. The two of you had hypothermia, so I took you back to my apartment and bundled you up to get you guys warm. This all happened about an hour ago now. I’m actually surprised you’re awake, but that’s entirely Katie’s fault.”
I had mumbled the last part to myself before continuing, “That’s basically what happened, anyway. Do you remember why you were in the park? Or what caused you to be there in the first place?”
She nodded again. “Thank you for you kindness, Mister Giovanni. I am Princess Celestia. My sister is Princess Luna,” she said quietly, gesturing to the still-sleeping woman. “We were fighting Queen Chrysalis, the leader of the changelings. Our three spells collided . . . and I think the resulting backlash sent us to that park you spoke of. With our disappearance, I can only have faith that my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, will take care of the situation until my sister and I can return,” she finished rather calmly.
The woman – Celestia – looked down at herself. “It also seems that the spell has changed our appearances as well,” she commented, and I watched as she observed her hands with a strange intensity. “We are no longer ponies, apparently.” She looked up at me curiously. “What species are you, if you don’t mind my asking? I’ve encountered gryphons, dragons, cows, bulls, hydras – all manner of creatures, but never anything like yourself.”
I stared at her for a long moment, my brain trying to process the nonsense that my ears just heard.
“Uh-huh,” I finally sounded, full of disbelief. “Are you sure you and your sister weren’t on shrooms or something?”
I received a rather bewildered look for my comment. “‘Shrooms’?” Celestia parroted, raising an elegant-looking eyebrow in confusion. “As in ‘mushrooms’? What do those have to do with anything?”
She looked genuinely confused.
I hadn’t save two hobo prostitutes.
No, I had saved two women who were instead tripping out of their minds. And for some reason, that scared me more than my previous assumption.
From my seat in my chair, I observed as Veronica, who was leaning against the wall, rubbed her temple with a sigh.
“You and your sister,” she continued with a gesture towards Luna, who was still out of it, “are pony princesses of a land called Equestria who were fighting an evil queen. During your, uh . . . magic battle, your spells collided and you somehow ended up in the park, naked and turned into humans like us.”
Celestia nodded slowly, though I could tell she was confused by the slight furrow of her eyebrows. In addition to bringing my two friends and introducing the three to each other – which I was somewhat regretting in hindsight – I’d also brought with me some warm soup for Celestia (and some of Veronica’s spare clothes for both her and her sister, as I had no desire to ogle defenseless women. From the sounds that came from my room when I’d left to give the girls some privacy, I concluded that Celestia was a nudist and thus unfamiliar with putting on clothing. Though who in their right mind would go nude in a damn blizzard was another question entirely).
As such, she paused in the middle of a spoonful (after having taken a quite a number of tries to maneuver said utensil into her mouth and get your mind out of the gutter you pervert) and then answered, “Yes, that is correct. From what Mister Giovanni has said, he found the two of us in a nearby park.”
To my left and once again perched on my desk, Katie let out a low whistle. “Wow, that’s something you come up with when you're really fucked up,” she said.
Veronica and I snorted, but all the same I elbowed Katie in the ribs and ignored her indignant cry. Really, it couldn't hurt her to learn a little something called ‘tact’. "What Katie here is trying to say is that we don’t quite believe your story."
A faint moue of concern appeared on the multicolor haired woman’s face. “And why is that?” she asked evenly, her throat having been soothed enough by the warm liquids to return her voice to normal.
Veronica and I glanced at each other, and then at Katie, who was giving me a mild glare.
“Well,” I started, “to begin with, magic doesn’t exist.”
The frown grew more visible on Celestia’s face as she stared into her soup bowl. “That cannot be possible,” she murmured.
“I hate to tell you this, but Gio’s right. Magic doesn’t exist,” Veronica said with an apologetic tone and a shrug.
Celestia looked up at me. “But . . . without magic, how do you survive? Every being I’ve ever met in my life has had at least a trace amount of it within their bodies, even earth ponies. How is it that you don’t have any?”
Before I could even answer, her eyes widened and she let out a small gasp. “Wait! In all the excitement, I didn’t even notice–”
All three of us watched in silence as she cut herself off and closed her eyes, a look of deep concentration on her face.
A moment later, her eyes snapped open. “No . . . I-I can’t feel my magic! What happened to it!?”
Celestia honestly appeared to be scared out of her mind because of whatever had happened to her ‘magic’ powers. She looked almost close to tears.
Veronica, Katie and I shared another glance with each other, this one much more uncomfortable than the last. With an unspoken agreement, my two friends began to leave the room, trying not to make noise.
Somehow, when it came down to it, I was the most mature and level-headed among the three of us. Katie herself admitted many times that she knew she wasn’t the best at ‘normal’ social interaction, and Veronica usually came across as somewhat condescending and arrogant to new people, as was the case with both Katie and Sidaine.
In this particular case however, with a woman who had woken up in a strange place with a strange jumble of memories from some drug-induced hallucination, much tact was needed. Katie was familiar with the receiving end of such a situation, but not much on the comforting side. Veronica had no experience here whatsoever. Thus it was quietly decided that I would be the one to deal with the distraught Celestia.
When I turned my head back after making sure they’d left, I saw that Celestia’s eyes really were watery, though her gaze seemed to be unfocused.
With a small sigh, I scooted my chair closer to the woman, taking her hand in mine. Her light pink eyes widened again ever-so-slightly, and she turned to meet my concerned stare.
“Look, Celestia, I can’t say I know what you’re going through,” I said slowly, putting my other hand on her shoulder. “But just know that, even though we just met, I’ll do my best to help you. So will Veronica and Katie, for that matter.”
I meant it sincerely too. Celestia hadn’t seemed to be a crazy woman who might have just been hiding underneath a kind façade, despite the surreal situation I had stumbled across.
Right then, in front of me, she was just a lost soul who had ended up with unfortunate circumstances.
It struck at me deeply, her expression of confused anguish, and I felt guilt at having played a part in that.
“Mister Giovanni . . .” Celestia whispered, catching my attention as she lowering her head. “I . . . I must confess that I have never felt this vulnerable since I was but a young filly.” I knew better than to correct the woman, or any woman for that matter, when she was in such an emotional state. “You have my utmost thanks for aiding my sister and I during this trying time.”
I surprised the both of us then, when I reached over and hugged her.
I really couldn’t stand to see anybody like that.
When I pulled back, I saw that she had a faint look of surprise on her face, as well as a light blush for some reason.
I gave her a cheerful grin. “Come on now, don’t be sad. You’ve gotta be positive! Being all down in the dumps won’t help much, you know.”
Celestia stared at me for a long moment before a soft smile emerged on her lips and she giggled lightly. “Yes, you are right, of course. Thank you again, Mister Giovanni.”
Despite her strange claims of being a princess co-in charge of an entire nation, Celestia was acting more like a normal person than I expected. If she had behaved any differently than before I saved her, which I wouldn’t know anyway, the small exchange we just had might have gotten her to loosen up, for which I was glad.
I settled back into my seat, but not before giving Celestia a poke on the forehead. As she blinked owlishly at me, I scolded her lightly, “Hey, drop that ‘Mister’ stuff. Just call me Gio. All my friends do.”
She tilted her head curiously, but acceded to my request with another smile. “Very well, Gio.”
“Don’t call him Gio, his name’s Panda!” Katie cried from behind my closed door.
I ran a hand down my face with a sigh. “Katie, stop yelling,” I said quietly, my eyes darting towards Celestia’s sister, who had shifted a bit after the blonde’s yell. “You might wake Luna up.”
“Ah, sorry, sorry,” she said in a much lower tone, peaking her head in through the now open doorway. “But seriously, he’s like a giant panda bear.”
My eye twitched slightly as Celestia looked at the both of us in askance. “What is a panda?”
This time, both Katie and I looked at her. “You . . . you don’t know what a panda is?” Katie gaped at the bedridden woman as she reentered my bedroom.
As for me, I clasped my hands together as if in prayer. “Finally, someone who won’t call me by that ridiculous nickname. Why do you people think it fits anyway?” I asked with a sideways glance at the blonde.
Katie whipped her head over to glare at me. “Because!” she said, though not loud enough to startle Luna. “You are Panda!”
“Seriously, you have to ask? You’re big, tall and cuddly like a panda, Panda,” Veronica chimed in from behind Katie with a grin. I hadn’t noticed her enter, so she probably had snuck in just then.
I gave my best friend a deadpan look. “You’re just saying that because Sidaine gave me this silly nickname.”
Veronica threw her hat at me, which I neatly caught.
“Thought so,” I confirmed with a smirk, twirling the hat around on my finger.
Celestia’s low, tinkling laugh put a pause in our antics. “My, the three of you are such close friends,” she observed almost happily.
Katie beamed at her, an oddly proud expression. “Aren’t we?” she said excitedly, slinging an arm around a suddenly disgruntled brunette. “Veronica here is my bestest girlfriend! And Panda over there is my homeslice!”
“Please, never ever, ever, call me that ever again,” I said flatly, before spotting the all-but-forgotten present on my desk. “That reminds me . . .”
I rolled my chair over and picked up the package before tossing it lightly to Veronica. “Happy birthday.”
Veronica caught it easily, looking surprised and pleased at the same time
“It’s your birthday today, Miss Veronica?” Celestia asked in slight shock before bowing her head. “I sincerely apologize for disrupting this occasion.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you and your sister are safe here,” Veronica said with a reassuring smile before returning her attention to my present, ripping off the wrapping paper. “Now, what did you get me . . .” She trailed off as she opened the small box, her mouth opening slightly in what I hoped was astonishment.
“I saw you eyeing it a few weeks ago, so I decided to get it for you,” I said as she pulled out a thin, gold chain necklace. The necklace itself wasn’t impressive, but the small ruby pendant attached to it, framed in some sort of sculpted black material, definitely was.
When Veronica gave me a wide, honestly ecstatic grin, I knew that buying that small thing was totally worth it.
“That is a beautiful pendant,” Celestia commented after a moment with a warm smile.
“I know, right?” Veronica replied, gently putting it on. She then gave me an excessively tight hug and a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Gio, you are an awesome best friend.” She turned to Katie, interrupting the blonde before she could say anything. “And yes, Katie, you are an awesome second best friend.”
“Yeah!” Katie exclaimed loudly, before covering her mouth sheepishly. “Um . . . oops, sorry.”
As one, all four of us turned to face Luna.
Her eyes opened slowly, revealing bleary bluish-green eyes – teal if I remembered my crayons right.
At first, Luna merely stared blankly at the ceiling, but then she turned her head when she noticed the other occupants of the room; namely, us.
Her eyes widened comically, and then, impressively enough, given the fact that she should still have been in the throes of a sore throat due to the fading hypothermia, her voice boomed:
“WHO ART THOU!?”
For some reason, despite myself, I was reminded of Patrick Starr.
