The Chapter in Which Things
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sit on the red sofa in front of the television as Final Fantasy X boots up.
"So, you've NEVER played a Final Fantasy game before?" asks Celestia.
"No," says Luna. "Wait, is this gonna be one of those games that are turn based and boring and there's like a metric fuckton of scenes?"
"No," says Celestia. "No, not at all. There's gonna be like guns and stuff, and tons of explosions and macho guys that are totally not whiny and it's really fast paced and stuff. It's like a Michael Bay movie basically."
"Oh thank God."
---
The scene plays in which the main characters are seated around the fire, then the main menu pops up and Luna selects New Game.
"What the hell!?" yells Luna as the scene plays again. "This is the exact same thing we just saw!"
"Yep."
"Why is it playing again!? Is this gonna be every scene!?"
"Pretty much," says Celestia. "Every time they enter a new location they find the nearest sandbox and set up a fire. It's all they know how to do."
"Did they think it was like the best scene? Like, are all the others gonna be crappier than this?"
"This isn't even the last time they show it," said Celestia.
"Look how jittery his face is!" yelled Luna, pointing at Tidus.
"He's having a seizure at the awesomeness of the brand new ps2 technology. This was probably like the first scene they made or something so it was almost like a tech demo."
"We can make men that look like women!" chanted Luna. "We are all powerful! BOW DOWN TO US!"
---
Rock music blares as the blitzball scene plays.
"This is so fantasy," says Luna.
"It's just like Lord of the Rings!" says Celestia cheerfully.
"Every time I see Frodo I hear heavy metal in my head."
"In another life, Merry is the bass player for Drive Shaft!" yells Celestia.
" . . . What?"
---
Tidus gets a sword and Luna starts fighting enemies.
"Yeah!" yells Luna. "The numbers are representations of how much I hate you!"
"The enemies, they uhh, they don't count so good. Yeah." Celestia nods. "And if you make them count too high, their brain explodes."
"That makes way more sense than everything that has happened in this game so far."
---
Sin absorbs Tidus and his face melts and blurs away.
"I am way not stoned enough for this," says Luna.
---
Lulu enters the party. At the end of a battle, she bends over, exposing all her cleavage.
"Yeah!" yells Luna. "So, there's gonna be a sex mini-game with her later right!?"
"What!?" yells Celestia, almost choking on her banana. "No!"
"But-"
"There are no sex mini-games in Final Fantasy!"
"But-"
"IT'S A T RATED GAME!"
"WHY ARE THEY TEASING ME THEN!?"
---
The party gets wiped out by a boss.
"Noo!" yells Luna. "I died so hard! I don't even know what I could've done differently; it's all menus!"
"You gotta run around in circles and make battles happen."
"You gain power by running in circles!" yells Luna epically. "Your strength is measured in dizziness. When you throw up, you know you have fulfulled your destiny. Your destiny is measured in numbers. The numbers are your soul. Nothing else matters."
---
Yuna enters the locker room during the blitzball championchip. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"
"This is like the worst voice acting ever," says Celestia.
"Your mom's face's ass is like the worst voice acting ever!" yells Luna.
"Wh... What!?"
---
The laughing scene is about to begin.
"Oh mare, here it comes," says Celestia.
"What?" questions Luna.
"It's only like the best scene in the whole game, Luna."
"Really?"
"It's like super amazing. Everypony loves it."
"Umm, why do I get the feeling you're lying?" asks Luna growing suspicious.
"I'm totally not. It's like the best scene ever."
The laughing scene plays.
"Wow," says Luna.
"HAHAHA!!!" laughs Celestia. "The look on your face is priceless!"
"That seriously was an amazing scene."
"HAHA- WHAT!?" yells Celestia, shocked.
"That was a great scene."
"How was it great!?"
"Okay, like, they're laughing, and it's super awkward, but it's like the awkwardness doesn't matter, cause she's trying to help him, and they're laughing in the face of their own awkwardness, and it's all deep and shit."
"IT'S A TERRIBLE SCENE! EVERYPONY KNOWS THAT! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT!?"
"I might as well stop now. No other part of the game is gonna be that good."
---
Luna loses against another boss.
"Oh my God, you are so bad at this game," says Celestia facehoofing. "You know, I have never died this early in the game. You're so much worse than me it's not even funny."
"Dammit, Pat!" yells Luna. "Just because you've fulfilled your lifelong dream of becoming a pony doesn't mean you can brag!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?"
---
Luna is doing a random battle with Tidus and Auron in it.
"God, Tidus sucks so much," says Luna. "Why can't I be Auron throughout the whole thing?"
"That'd be pretty fucking sweet," says Celestia. "Just kill everything with your awesome sword."
"I've killed everything in the entire world and I don't even give a shit because I'm just that cool!"
---
Seymour is on screen.
Laughing, Luna says, "That is the shittiest hairstyle ever. 'I could be a good guy, but that would take time and energy, which I need to spend thirteen hours a day making my hair look like shit!'"
"He was probably born with it that way."
"Can you imagine giving birth to that!?"
"He came out fabulous," says Celestia. "The woman, eh, not so much."
---
Luna makes Tidus run in circles to make random battles happen.
"I am the greatest hero. I will run in circles . . . To save the world."
"Pretty much," says Celestia.
"So, I love how the area doesn't run out of monsters! Like, you can't hunt anything to extinction. Just run around in circles and more animals and shit will always come to you. Can you imagine in the old days, riding wagons in circles to hunt buffalo to exitinction!"
"What?" says Celestia. "Nopony ever hunts buffalo! They've never been close to extinction!"
"Oh, right," says Luna. "I forgot I was a pony now."
"What!?"
"Speaking of which, I don't have like a visable vagina or anything. How am I gonna go to the bathroom?"
"You know this!" yells Celestia. "We squirt pee out of our horns!"
"THAT IS AWESOME!"
---
Luna continues making Tidus run in circles.
"Crop circles don't come from aliens," says Luna. "They come from RPGs."
"I grew up on a running in circles farm," says Celestia. "There was no smiling, there was no laughter-"
"-THERE WAS ONLY RUNNING IN CIRCLES!" they both finished together.
---
Tidus and Yuna are making out underwater.
"How do they breathe!?" yells Luna.
"Here Yuna, let me give you air," says Celestia.
"Tidus, what does your tongue have to do with giving me air!?"
"You're so amazing . . . You take my breathe away."
"Oh GAWD!"
---
An FMV finishes.
"I love how they never comment on how different they look in FMV!" yells Luna.
"Cloud meets Tifa for the first time and she looks all beautiful and sexy in her FMV, then she switches to polygons and Cloud's like WHAT THE FUCK!" yells Celestia.
"Cloud reaches out to grab Tifa's sexy FMV boobs, then Tifa switches to normal graphics and her boobs are so polygonal they cut his hands!"
---
There is more running in circles.
"I love how that guy is just standing there looking at Tidus like 'Yeah, that's normal. That's completely normal behavior.'"
"Back in my day, we didn't have fun! We just had running in circles!"
---
"God," says Luna. "I could be playing The Hobbit or Jersey Devil or A Bugs Life and here I am playing Final Fantasy X."
"This is way better than all those games!"
"This ain't got nothing on Superman 64."
"Fuck you!"
---
"I love how-" says Luna "-the game is called Final Fantasy X, but the series just keeps on going no matter how much people just want it to stop."
"It's like The Simpsons of the RPG world," says Celestia.
"The Last Game Ever Made IV!" says Luna dramatically.
"Nothing is sacred. Everything has sequels now."
"Bride of Titanic!"
"Titanic V: The Lifeboat that Survived!"
---
Luna puts down the controller. "That's it. I'm done with this game." She gets up to walk to the fridge but can only seem to go in circles. "OH SHIT!"