Every time. Every single darn time.
I’m laying on the floor of this stupid purple palace next to my old hag minion, Kammy Koopa, and I think my skull is cracked from being hit with a metal hammer ten times too many. Sir Jumps-A-Lot is off in the next room rescuing Peach, who should be mine, and I’m super hungry. It is at that this point in time I wish I had a bag of Fritos to distract me from my problems. I need to lose weight.
“Lord Bowser,” Kammy begins to tell me, “I think we lost… again.”
I feel like responding with “Really? Where’d ya get that idea, Einstein?” but I don’t have the strength to yell at this moment in time. I just excerpt a gigantic sigh of depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and worthlessness and growl very quietly as I look at my scaly hands.
“Grrr…” I mumble as I clench my fist, “Why can’t I WIN!?”
As I pound my fists into the stupid, purple carpet that I lay on, the ground begins to shake violently. Suddenly, my back pain is no more and my head feels as good as a sugar-rushed Amazy Dazy on a hot summer’s day. I pop up off of my bum and attempt to hold myself on my feet as the ground shakes. As I look around, Kammy still lies on the floor, her old, jittery voice vibrating along with her old, useless body. Suddenly, the earthquake begins to come to a sudden close as a stable myself on the ground.
“Wow,” I say as I look to my hands, “did I do that? Dang, I should lift.”
“Ouch.” I hear Kammy say from my right, who was flat on her stomach.
“Kammy? You okay?” I ask.
“If you count my back feeling like pudding and my nose crushed inside my face, yes, Your Ugliness, I’m okay.”
“Well good!” I say as I put my arms to my hips. “Get up, then! We got a new plan to work up!”
“Yes, Your Grusomeness.” Kammy says in response. She puts her hands on the ground and attempts to lift herself up, which works for about five centimeters before her face smacks back down on the ground. “I could use some help, though.”
Suddenly, a scream erupts from the room where Fartio ran into earlier, and that scream is too familiar to not recognize: Princess Peach. Hey, don’t blame me! I’m the villain, I’ve heard those screams so many times it’s been engraved into my mind with a hammer… legitimately.
“Woah! Was that Peach!?” I shout. “Kammy, you old hag, get up! We may still have time!”
“Aye aye, Your Epicness!” Kammy says as she raises her fist in the air, still face first into the ground. I look forward into the dark room ahead and grow a big smile. After shuffling my foot back and forth on the ground like a bull, I charge with all my might toward the door, and in all reality that wasn’t very fast because, well, y’know, I’m a turtle.
“PEACH, MY LOVELY, I’M COMING FOR Y- OH HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE STICKS!” I yell as the light clears the room for me, which I soon figure out is not actually a room, but a hallway. Before I know it, I’m staring directly at my second nemesis: stairs. I try to balance myself, but it is too late, for I already tripped on the edge of the stone slabs and I begin to tumble down the stairs with a beat so steady you could make a Lady GoomGoom song out of it. I'm legitimately falling for so long that I’m beginning to not only run out of negative words to think of, but I think I’m descending into the Underwhere. Who knows, maybe the Underwhere’s not that bad. Maybe Satan and I can make evil schemes together and have a blast... or at least I think that until I stop moving. Barely able to move, I look up to where I fell from, and I seriously can’t even see the top of the staircase.
“Curse you, stairs!” I yell as I wave my fist in the air, “Just you wait until I get a Harmar SL350 Stair Lift! JUST YOU WAIT!”
I stop my ranting as a flash of light catches my attention from behind. It was a bright light, but it was kind of a …dark…light. It’s like a flash of light, but in a dark shade? I dunno how to describe it. Behind me is this huge door with all these details I’m too lazy to pay attention to with that dark light stuff coming up from the bottom. So, naturally, my genius mind comes to the great conclusion that Peach is behind this door. As soon as it dings in my head, I waste no time at all deciding if it is a bad idea to rush into the room, which it is, and I rush into the room.
“Have no fear, my princess, for I am-“ I halt my speech as I look around the room, which was a chamber, by the way; a chamber with a giant, shadowy demon lady thing with a crown possessing Princess Peach with obviously no chance of returning her to normal. Darn. I was really hoping this time that I would do it. I don’t think I’ve ever been more screwed in my life.
“And who might you be to enter unattended into the realm of the Shadow Queen?” the demon says with a ridiculous, low voice. She seriously sounds just like my grandma.
“Who? Me? Well, I’ll have you know, miss Shadow Queen, I am Bowser, epic and awesome king of the Koopas. You’ve probably heard of me, so I’ll spare you the epic backstory.” I say with pride.
“Your arrogant personality displeases me, mortal. Do not tempt me to rid you of all consciousness like I have the others.” The Shadow Queen says as she points to the left. Suddenly, I feel a huge grin coming on as I see Mario, my undefeated worst enemy, and all of his dumb partners unconscious and lost on the ground in agonizing pain. I glance back at the Shadow Queen with a dumb smile.
“Dude! Did you ACTUALLY wreck Mario!? Gosh! You’re my new best friend! You and I should come up with evil plans together!” I say with a chuckle. Wrong move.
“You dare think you are an equal to me, weakling!?” The Shadow Queen pouts.
“Woah there, lady! Weakling? I don’t think so! I’ll have you know that I am no weakling. Have YOU ever eaten a double cheeseburger in one bite? I don’t think so!” I retaliate as I cross my arms. Right now, I think I’m gonna die. I think I pulled her strings too hard and my legs begin to shake as I think “Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, PLEASE don’t kill me! I still haven’t had lunch!”. Surprisingly, all she does is chuckle.
“Hmm… that is rather impressing.” She says as she puts her hand to her chin.
“It… it is?” I ask nervously.
“Quite, Mr. Bowser. How about we make a little proposition, hmm? You either serve me and put your skills to the test, or refuse and I banish you from my realm forever.” She asks. Really? Like, really!? It’s only obvious what my response is gonna be. Put my skills to the real test or be banished? Easy choice!
“Serve YOU!?” I ask aggressively, “I don’t think so! I am a KING, Mrs. Purple-Glitter, and who you have there is my princess, so gimme.”
“Hmm, hmm…” The Shadow Queen chuckles, “that is quite unfortunate. I will not tolerate this level of arrogance in my kingdom, Mr. Bowser. I believe it’s time for you to leave.”
My heart sinks like an anchor when I see a huge ball of shadow form above possessed Peach’s head. It is only now I realize that she was dead serious all this time, and I suddenly regret everything that has ever happened in my life ever.
“Savor your last moments, mortal! If you have any last words on this planet, say it to the face of your lost princess!” The Shadow Queen yells as Peach’s corrupted face looks down upon me. I can only think of one sentence.
“Uhh… You’re hotter when you’re corrupted?” I say mindlessly. A few seconds later, the Shadow Queen throws the gigantic ball of shadow directly at my face, and all I can do is stand there like an idiot flailing my arms back and forth so quickly I feel like I can fly away.
“BEGONE!” I hear the Shadow Queen shout from behind the ball of darkness, and in the span of a couple seconds, everything goes black and I can see no more... and I'm still hungry.
Chapter 1 - What Do You Mean There's No Roasted Chicken!?
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I've had some rough nights, you know, but none compare to what happened last night. I can't even believe I did such a thing. Now where am I? I don't even know, man. I don't even have the strength to open my eyes and my brain can barely process the thought that I'm alive at the moment.
I hear muttering, or so I think. A void of white is sucking me into it, bringing me to life in a different world, where I might be persecuted for my looks and actions. I will not have an army, I will not have any followers, and worst of all, I will not have an arch nemesis. I think my soul, once lost and confused, has finally made it's way toward my beaten body and has laid down on it. ...Dang. I didn't know I could be so poetic. I sure do have a lot of unspent talent.
"What do you suppose it is?" I hear. I can't see worth a dang, but I sure hear the scared tone. Why do I have to be so ugly?
I grunt. Then, I hear two or three gasps in crowd as I twitch my eyes. I still can't see, and when I try to open my eyes, the light from the sun burns my pupils. I groan and cover my eyes with my hand.
"It's moving!" A squeaky voice shouts. Okay, yes. I move. I have a body that lives. Thank you for stating the obvious, you incompetent mouse.
And so, I peek, and let my eyes adjust to the bright sunlight. I notice that I'm on a soft field of grass, surrounded by trees and bushes. I try to look up, but the sun is still too bright. All I can make out is two beings that are the colors purple and pink.
"Arrgh... where the heck..." I mutter to myself. My eyes finally get a hold of my full surroundings, and gosh darn it, I'm still hungry. No lunch equals no life.
"Stand back, Fluttershy. We don't know what this thing can do." The purple being said. When I finally make out their entire being, I rub my eyes to make sure I'm not dreaming.
"...What. The heck. Are you a talking, purple pony or am I just so hungry I'm hallucinating?" I ask.
"H-He's hungry! He's gonna eat us!" The yellow pony screamed. What? Why would I eat this... thing. I bet it tastes like raw chicken anyway.
"What? Nonononono. I don't wanna eat you. I just wanna know where the heck I am!" I say, climbing my way to stand up.
"This is Equestria, land of magic and friendship. We ponies live here. Who are you?" the purple pony asks, lifting an eyebrow and readying her... horn. I completely ignore her question.
"Magic... and... friendship." I say, stunned. "I think I'munna go right back to sleep on this soft grass here and all will be happy-hickory-smoked-sausage when I wake up."
"Oh no you don't!" the purple pony says. "You're going to answer my question. Who on Equestria are you!?"
"Well, missy, if you MUST know, I am Bowser, King of the Koopas!" I say, but then I remember that my followers are no longer with me and I hang my head low in depression. "Or at least, I was, until that stupid demon banished me here."
The two ponies let down their guard. "Demon? What demon?"
"This lame purple one called "The Shadow Queen". She mind-controlled the princess I was trying to steal back and banished me here for refusing to serve her. My planet is totally screwed."
"Oh. I... I had no idea. I thought you were a threat, judging by your spiked shell, horns and pointed teeth." The purple pony says. giiiirl, you got no idea of my capabilities. "My name's Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."
"A-and I'm... Fluttershy..." The yellow pony peeps. The cuteness is punching a hole through my chest. I may need surgery after this encounter.
"Cool. So, is there a place that I can stay at or what? I don't want to sleep on the streets. I learned that is not fun in Rogueport." I ask. It was indeed not fun. Stupid Mario and his Bowser-butt-kicking powers. The two ponies looked at each other with awkward looks.
"Uhh... you can stay at my library as long as your behavior is good." Twilight says. I totally expected her to say something different, but I'm gonna take what I can get!
"Aww, sweet. Any way I can check out the place now?" I ask confidently.
"Uh, sure! Just follow me!"
It is totally friggin' awkward to walk through this town. Legitimately, every single pony here is just staring at me as I walk by. What am I even feeling awkward for, though? I'm BOWSER. If I can't take over my own world, I'll slowly plan to take over this one! HAH! These guys wont even know what hit 'em after this chunk of handsomeness takes over. I'm gonna be living with this Twilight Spiffle or whatever her name is for a while, but all will be good in the end, I know it.
So we come across this tree, and Twilight claims it to be a library. At first I was like "no way", but then we entered a door and my mouth dropped. This library was in a tree, and it is HUGE. Like, holy nuts huge! But then begs the question: Who makes a library out of a tree? I dunno, but this town needs an evil castle lair. It's too happy.
"Oh, Spiiiike! We have a visitor!" Twilight shouts. Suddenly, I see a small lizard thing emerge from upstairs.
"Oh, boy, who is-- woah!" Spike says, freezing in place. "Twilight! He's huge!"
"Yep. His name's Bowser. I found him unconscious out near Everfree forest. He'll be staying with us for a little while." Twilight says. What the heck. Stupid pony, not letting me do my epic Bowser introduction.
"So, this is the place, huh? Not too shabby, not too shabby. Could use some spiked ball 'n chain, though. A lot more grey as well. Maybe some brick." I comment, rubbing my chin.
"Dang. What kind of place did you live in?" Spike asks, rubbing his head.
"A castle, surrounded by lava and hundreds of guards. I am a king on my home planet, you know." I say, crossing my arms. I can tell neither Spike or Twilight are buying it.
"Right. Well, it is sunset, and I must write a letter to the princess about your arrival." Twilight says, heading over to a desk. I open my eyes widely.
"A... A princess?" I ask as I follow Twilight. "Tell me more, now!"
"Well, if you want to know, her name is Princess Celestia. She rules over these lands. I swear, without her, this land would be a mess." Twilight continues to say.
"I see." I say as I put my hand on my chin. Heh heh. Woohoo! It ain't over for Bowser yet! This land has a princess, baby, and an important one, too. When I have time, I'm gonna do what I do best: kidnap the princess. Oh, man, this is GOLDEN. But how am I going to do that? Bah, I'll save that problem for later. "Is there any way I can meet her?"
Twilight pauses. "Umm... maybe? I mean if she wants to meet you, I suppose, sure! I bet she might want to anyway."
"YES! Err... I mean... It'll be an honor to meet her! Yeah."
"Spike, send this letter, I think she will want to write back right away." Twilight says.
"On it!" The midget lizard replies as he... breathes fire on the letter... and it gets... sent... what!? What really catches me, though, is that he can breathe fire. That's pretty chill.
"Woah, hey, you can breathe fire, too, little dude. Not bad. Nice knowing I'm not the ONLY fire breathing monster around here. Watch THIS, kiddo!" I say as I stance myself. I then point my head up and concentrate. Spike, the little twerp, is watching me anxiously, waiting for something amazing to happen. Twilight is also staring at me, but with a more confused look.
Suddenly, I shoot up a gigantic orange and red flame. It stays up for maybe five seconds before I run out of breath and stop. I then begin to hear small hands clapping together and I put a smug look on my face.
"Thank you, thank you!" I say as I bow. Twilight is hilariously paralyzed with this horrified expression on her face like a truck ran through her house or something. Well, to be fair I just breathed fire, so yeah.
"If you would please be so kind as to not BREATHE FIRE IN THE WOODEN TREE FULL OF EXOTIC BOOKS, THANK YOU." She suggests.
"Gwahaha! You're just jealous of my amazingness." I gloat.
"Amazingness isn't a word."
"I DON'T CARE."
Suddenly, I see Spike cover his mouth. Oh, no, he looks like he's about to hurl! ABANDON STANCE.
"Woah, face the other way!" I yell as he coughs up a... letter. So, I've come to the conclusion that Spike's only purpose is to be a living mailbox. Well, if it sounds stupid, but works, I guess it isn't stupid... right? I dunno. Spike then proceeds to open the letter and read it.
"...Oh, Twi! The princess says she needs to meet us up now and that she's on her way!"
Well isn't that convenient.
"What!? Oh, no! I don't have time to prepare for her arrival! Ugghhh, this place is an utter mess!" Twilight panics.
"Oh, don't be such a clean-cat. The princess is coming for me, not your stupid library." I respond with attitude. Spike then proceeds to smile.
"I like this guy's logic, Twi!" He says with a chuckle. Little twerp ain't half bad himself. I'll promote him up once I take over Equestria.
Before five minutes pass of Spike and I watching Twilight rushing around in a circle trying to dust every microbe in the library, the doorbell rings. She then drops what she's doing and gasps at the door.
"Oh, no, she's here already!" Twilight panics as she rushes toward the door. When she opens it, a bright flash of light hits my eyes. I can't see! I think I've been blinded by the magical friendship ray of evil-conquering doom.
"Princess Celestia! I-- I didn't know you were coming so quickly!" Twilight says as she bows. Spike soon joins her as well, but I sure ain't! I'm a bad rebel who don't take orders from nobody! Especially not to no flash of light. Eventually, however, I make out what the light was, and holy nuts do I wish I was blind. The amount of un-manliness in this pony is ungodly.
"Twilight, I am glad you sent that letter. I teleported here as soon as I could. Now, where is this 'Bowser' you claim to have taken in." She asks as she looks around. I gotta act real nice if I'm gonna have a shot at the whole "capturing the princess" thing.
"That would be me, your highness!" I say as I bow. Oh dang, I think I flattered her. On the road to victory. Yee-haw!
"You bow like a mare." Celestia comments. ...Is that good?
"Umm...er... cool?"
The rainbow-maned pony giggles. "Oh, I'm just being silly. So, Twilight says you claimed you're from another planet, is that not true?"
Couldn't resist bragging. "Oh, yeah! You know it, pretty princess! I'm Bowser, Righteous King of the Koopas! Hold your applause please, I know I'm amazing."
Celestia tilts her head at me. "You're a rather confident being. Tell me, what is a 'Koopa'?"
"Pshhht! Only the BEST army of followers on the planet! Or at least... my planet that is. We occasionally lost, but they all held true, because they knew my awesomeness could eventually lead them to victory."
"It sounds like you were quite the hero in your home land."
I look to my left and right nervously. "Yeah, uhh, sure. Let's go with that."
Celestia turns around to Twilight. She's not paying attention to me. This is it, I got her already! Just slowly inch toward her her... get my princess-grabbin' hands out...
"I apologize for the intrusion, Twilight, but I was worried when you said you took in such a strange creature. I'll be on my way now. Stay safe!" Celestia says as her horn begins to glow.
I've got her! She's MINE! Let's rock and roll! I pounce up, but in a flash of light, Celestia disappears. I grunt as I begin to crash toward the ground like a heavy rock and I slam my face into a large dictionary. Dang it! I was so close, too!
"Bowser? Are you okay?" Twilight asks as I lay on the ground.
"Well, I feel my nose is halfway through my mouth, but no, I'm fine." I muffle into the dictionary.
"How'd you even end up like that?"
"I tripped."
"You tripped three yards?"
"I jumped as I did."
"Well... alright." Twilight says as she looks to the window. "The suns down and it's officially night, so we best finish up the day."
My stomach suddenly roars at me, and I look down. It looks as if it is coughing and dying for food, and it hurts like heck.
"Can I at least get some food, first? I haven eaten all day!" I ask. Well, rather plead.
"Oh, sure. I know a good place down the road." She says as she warrants me to follow. "Be back in a bit, Spike."
I then follow her out the door, and I begin to think of schemes to capture the princess. I almost had her back there, and I won't stop until I get her! I may not have a following, but there sure is no Mario to stop me, this time. Gwahaha! This land is as good as mine... but for now I REALLY need some food.
