> Looking Through the Pokeball
>  by Magical Trevor
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Prologue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“High Priest Delusional, the preparations are nearly complete!” a young white stallion exclaimed, rushing towards an older stallion, but tripped on his overly large grey robes.

“That’s High Priest Mynd to you, acolyte!” the green stallion snapped, glaring as the other attempted to regain his footing. “Has Miss Daring finished translating those runes yet?!”

“Oh, uh, I think, that is to say, she said that maybe-”

The younger stallion swallowed heavily, his hoof coming back from his forehead soaked in sweat as his elder’s gaze bored into him. Still shivering slightly, the white stallion settled on nodding furiously, lest his stuttering anger Delusional Mynd more. 

“Took her long enough!” Mynd barked, stomping his way down the cave’s rough stone hallways. Mynd didn’t bother lighting his horn, having memorized the few turns the long tunnel in the ruins had to offer. 

In the heart of the ruins, an orange pegasus grumbled to herself as she wiped some sweat from her monochromed rainbow mane. “This guy is crazy! I can’t friggin read these damn runes! I’m a treasure hunter, not some lame-flank archeologist! But,” she continued quietly, allowing the shadow of a smirk to show. “If he had to ask me to decipher them, then he can’t read them either, so does it matter if I didn’t translate it properly? Still get paid either way,” she giggled, her bright pink eyes twinkling with mirth.

“Oi! You done yet, you stupid pegasus?” 

Daring Do smashed her head on the ceiling, hovering as she cradled her cracked pith helmet in her hooves, her head throbbing from the sudden headache. “That’s rich, coming from the ‘high priest’ that can’t even read his own cult’s runes,” Daring snarked back, the pain not helping her attitude. 

“Just shut up and give me my translations already!” the green unicorn snapped, stomping his hoof.

“Once you give me my treasure I will, you pompous prick,” Daring Do shot back angrily.

“Here,” Mynd snarled, throwing a large rock at Daring Do with his telekinesis. “It’s an ancient relic I found here when I was a colt. I’m sure it’s worth something to somepony somewhere. The translations?”

Daring Do caught the rock with her forelegs, holding the relic between her hooves, frowning slightly. “Why’s it made of so many different colors? It’s like half white, the top half is some weird purple color, and there’s two oval... rose quartz? And what’s with the weirdo symbol thing? Four straight lines at different angles? I uh, this isn’t exactly treasure...”

“You said ancient treasure,” Delusional corrected, a smug grin crossing his face. “In ancient times, that would have been considered treasure, ergo, ancient treasure. Not my fault you never clarified...”

Daring Do snorted as she landed, flipping the relic into her saddlebags as she resettled her pith helmet on her head, hiding her own smirk. “Fair enough, I guess... Here, have a translation of the stupid runes you can’t read.

“Considering I don’t know how to read runes, I’d say I still came out ahead in this little venture,” Daring whispered to herself as she flew off, leaving an ignorant cult leader with his prize.

“Moonstone! Get in here!” Mynd yelled, cackling gleefully as he read the instructions. 

“Yes sir!” the white stallion said quickly, running to catch up with the older stallion. “Is that it? Is that going to help me find my family?”

“Perhaps,” Mynd lied, smiling. “All we have to do is cast one little spell on that altar there, and the magic runes should do the rest! All I need you to do is provide the magical oomph, and I’ll shape the spells, alright?”

“Well, alright,” Moonstone agreed hesitantly, trotting up to the altar. “If this will help me find my family, I’ll do anything...”

“I know you will, you moron,” Mynd chuckled to himself softly.

“I still think it’s freaky that all of the runes have eyes in the middle of them,” Moonstone commented, his ears flicking nervously as he glanced around the room once more.

“Nevermind that, just start channeling the magic!” Mynd ordered.

“A-alright...” Moonstone swallowed hard, running a hoof through his messy mane, taking a shaky breath before closing his eyes, concentrating.

“Yes...” Delusional said excitedly, his eyes glowing with a manic insanity. The runes in the room started to glow, growing brighter and brighter as Moonstone channelled more and more magic. 

Delusional reached into his robes, taking out three orbs in his telekinetic grasp. The first one was a bright, clear blue, the second a lighter purple, but the third was the most interesting. It was a chunk of yellow stone, with a crack straight down the middle. The stone looked like it was barely being held together. Taking control of the raw magic, he infused it with the runes to grant them life. The three orbs began to float as first one, then many runes started to come out, coming to life as they glowed a bright blue as they slowly formed one circle, spinning slowly in the air. As more of the runes were released, they formed more circles, spinning clockwise, and counterclockwise, changing directions on mere whims. 

“Yes... Yes! Yes!” Mynd exclaimed, elated. “Now, beings of unknown power, grant me your strength! Grant me the power to bring back the gods of old!”

Moonstone opened his eyes, stopping his magic as he backed up fearfully. “W-what’s going on?!”

“The return of the real power in Equestria, of course!” Delirious Mynd exclaimed, spreading his forelegs wide. “There has to have been something that gave our world magic, and it wasn’t the Princesses!”

“W-what are you talking about? You said this would-”

“Find your family? I’ll make sure they will.” Mynd started to laugh, quietly, but grew louder and louder, his voice echoing in the room. “With this power, I can give you a new family! We might be a little... different, but a family is a family, after all!”

Moonstone’s screams were lost as the ruins exploded in light. As the light faded, a faint voice questioned idly, “So... you think to bring Pokemon back to this world? Perhaps... but can the races of this world handle them, or are you bringing their own destruction?”




> Chapter the First
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pain... pain hurts a lot... Yes, it sounds redundant, I know, but sometimes you can’t think very eloquently when you first wake up. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a horrible leg cramp? That sudden jolt as you wake up, your leg in excruciating pain as you try not to scream and wake up your family, massaging your leg frantically to reduce the pain... That’s what I felt when I woke up that morning, the day when everything started... 

Sorry, I should probably explain a few things first. My name is Glenn Winters. I’m about six foot, four inches, and weigh two-hundred and thirty-five pounds on a good day. Needless to say, I’m pretty overweight, but my height and broad shoulders help hide it. Add in sandy blonde hair, and yellow computer glasses, and that’s me: the average nerd geek. 

Now, I don’t know what made me special... Or perhaps it was what didn’t make me normal that dragged me into all of this, but-

Sorry, I tend to go off on tangents a bit. It had been a normal day, or at least, as normal as ‘normal’ can be, I suppose. Woke up, went to college, daydreamed through my classes, trying to figure out what the heck I should major in, drove home, did my homework, and then browsed DeviantART, wondering when the few Spyro fanfics I watched would update. 

All in all, life was pretty boring. There weren’t any good shows on T.V. that I was interested in watching, and aside from my one best friend, Wave (1) Phillips, I didn’t really have any friends to speak of. Even then, Wave became my best friend only because all of my friends left for better colleges on scholarships. Me? To say I don’t know what I’m best at would be putting it delicately. I’ve been one of the jacks of all trades, master of none kind of guys, no matter how hard I tried otherwise.

But enough of my ‘old’ life. If you felt drowsy, or fell asleep during that, then you’ve got an inkling of how boring my life was. Pain isn’t boring, however, which brings us nicely, or for me, not, to the present. 

Now, you remember that whole leg cramp in the middle of the night? I woke up, not due to a simple leg cramp, but cramps all over my body. Now, I might have been a little delusional, due to the lancing pain all over my body, but I would have sworn that even my tongue had managed to cramp. Have you ever tried to massage your tongue? I have! It was easily the strangest thing I can say I had ever done up to that point. 

It took me several minutes to get past the pain to notice one small detail... “Huh. My fingernails sure have gotten long... I could have sworn I trimmed them, like, two days ago...”

Once my body was done with cramp’s sharp, stabbing variety of pain, it decided to evolve into a dull, throbbing pain instead, relishing in its ability to make me feel the pain in my head with every heartbeat.

Once the pain faded enough for me to think, I remembered how my dad had always told me that muscle cramps usually happened from being dehydrated. Now, I didn’t know if that was true or not, but it made sense, right? So naturally, I rolled over and reached out blindly for the water bottle I always keep on my nightstand. Of course, it’s going to be one of those days, isn’t it? I thought to myself, groaning again.

I felt around for it, but I couldn’t seem to find it. Actually, I couldn’t find my nightstand at all, which was odd. No alarm clock, no glasses, no phone charging... “Crap, did I fall asleep on the couch or something?”

I froze when I heard birds chirping. There shouldn’t be birds chirping, it’s the middle of February! Of course, it didn’t occur to me that I never heard birds chirping outside of my window anyway, since I lived on the second floor.

I snapped my eyes open, ignoring the fact that I wasn’t wearing my glasses. “Then again, I guess I slept with them on,” I muttered to myself, looking around. I seemed to be on the edge of a forest or orchard of some kind. I blinked a few times, trying to figure out where I was, and reached up absently to push my glasses back into position. I paused when I saw an orange paw in front of my face, covered in fur.

I stared at it blankly for a moment, before pawing for my glasses, only to find that they were gone. I frowned for a moment, my tail twitching a little. “Wait a sec... A tail?”

I held the paw to my face, looking at the black pad closely, before poking at it with my other paw. I giggled a little at the strange sensation, and I realized that there was only one explanation for this. “I must be dreaming... Or I’ve gone crazy... Or I’ve died, and I’m in... wherever the hell this is...”

Okay, so that was three things. Give me a break, alright? I was still aching all over from the cramps, and I had just woken up without a chance to drink any tea or some soda for the caffeine, so my brain wasn’t exactly running at full capacity, you know?

As I considered my options, I took some time to look over my body. The first thing I looked at, naturally, was my tail. My nice, large, warm, fluffy, creame-colored tail. I must have stared at it for a very long time, because I was fascinated with my tail. I mean, when you’ve never had one, it’s only natural that you’d want to, you know, observe it and stuff. And maybe stroke it a little... And hug it to yourself for awhile... And-

Hey, don’t judge me! Have you ever woken up with a nice, large, fluffy tail with soft, silky fur? I don’t think so! Don’t look at me as if I’ve got some strange tail fetish, because I don’t! I think... Okay, maybe I do. I don’t know! I mean, I owned a cat for the first sixteen years of my life, so maybe I like brushing fur a lot, okay? It’s soothing! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Once I had calmed myself down enough from stroking my tail, Dang, I need to get a brush for that... I looked at the rest of my ‘new’ body. I had a bright orange coat of fur, and if I twisted my head enough, I could see that I had a creame-colored mane around my neck.

Now, you go ahead and laugh, but I had no idea what I was yet. I mean, sorry, but I’m not a big fan of canines... I mean, with no mirror or pond nearby, it wasn’t like I could look at myself entirely and realize that I was a Flareon, now could I? 

Anyway, so I’m sitting there, trying to figure out if I should freak out about not having clothes or not. I mean, we’re ingrained from birth that being naked is bad, right? Well, I’m naked now, but doesn’t the fur cover... *Ahem* you know, right? Or a sheath or whatever. Hell if I know what dogs have!

Anyway, I considered my options. If I had gone crazy, then did it really matter what I did? If I was dead... what, like I was going to die a second time? Then, the last option, I was dreaming... Wait, or I could really still be awake, and had somehow changed forms, and-

Yeah, I was already rolling on the floor laughing my butt off at that idea. I mean, come on, I might be a dreamer, but even I’ve realized by now that something like that is never going to happen to me, you know? So that left this being a dream. Well, if it was a dream, may as well have some fun with it, right? I’m lucky if I have a dream once a month, and to have a lucid dream? This was like a dream come true! (2)

Well, the first order of business was to learn how to move around, right? I wasn’t sure if the tail was going to throw me off or not, but walking didn’t seem too hard. Had to take it slow at first, of course, but who hasn’t practiced crawling on your hands and knees? Same concept, right? Front left leg, right hind leg, front right leg, left hind leg, rinse and repeat, right?

I don’t even know anymore, honestly. At this point, it’s so natural I can’t really tell anymore, and any time I stop to think about it, I end up tripping over myself. Anyway, took me awhile to figure out how to do anything more than walk, but I got it eventually. Now, anyone who tells you that it’s ‘instinct’ or some BS like that... laugh at them. And then deck them in the face for lying to you. ‘Instinct’ is something like migration. It doesn’t help with walking, flying, or anything like that. There’s a difference between instinct and autonomous action. Once you do something enough, you just do it without thinking about it. Like riding a bike. Once you learn how to ride a bike, you don’t really forget, do you? That doesn’t mean that it’s ‘instinct’ when you ride a bike for the first time in ten years, does it?

Long story short (3), it was around that time that I realized something rather crucial. “Man, aside from having a tail and stuff, this has to be, beyond a doubt, the lamest dream I’ve ever had. Where is everyone?”

I looked around, expecting someone to come out because of that, but no one came. “Huh... That normally works in dreams... Guess I’ll have to find them myself.”

And so I set out, walking down what seemed to be a path in the underbrush, making my way out of the trees. Not even a minute later found me on top of a hill, where I could see a small village in the distance. “Okay... Medieval setting? Shouldn’t be surprised, but if I see a dragon, I’m getting the frell out of here,” I promised myself, taking a deep breath before heading down the path once more.

If I had known then what I know now about what lay before me, I might have done something different. I might have been able to... Well, you know what they say about hindsight. Truth is, I’ll never know what might have happened, but that will never stop me from wondering...

Still, even with the highs and lows, it remains my story... And if I don’t tell it, then no one will ever know the truth. No one will ever know... No one will ever know what happened to me, to us, and this strange land that I later learned was called... Equestria.




1.) I always called her Wave because her name meant White Wave, and it was more fun to say than her real name.
2.) No, I didn’t realize it was a pun until awhile later, and when I did, I groaned too.
3.) Too late






> Chapter the Second
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I continued to look around, taking a moment to realize that there weren’t any watchtowers nearby. Looking around, I noticed that I was right next to an apple orchard, but there was something off about it. “Why is there such a large orchard next to such a small village? The trees aren’t even in straight rows or anything... Not to mention they look more like oak or maple trees instead of regular apple trees...”

Interested, and not to mention more than a little bit hungry, I started roaming the orchard, looking for my favourite kind of apple, the honeycrisp. I saw lots of red delicious and granny smiths, but none of the trees had that red fruit with a bit of yellow to it. “Come on, what’s a dream walker have to do to get some food around here?” I grumbled, looking at the branches high up. 

Now, the natural thing to do would be to climb the tree, right? Well, the thing is, being overweight, I’ve never been good at climbing. Big surprise, right? Luckily for me, this was just a dream, so if I concentrated hard enough, I could just make an apple come to me! Brilliant, right? So I just closed my eyes, concentrating on bringing the apples to me. You will come down to me and change into a pizza... You will come down and change into a pizza...

If I had been paying attention, I would have heard the buzzing sound filling the air sooner, and I might have had enough time to move, to hide. As it was, however, I was fated to be knocked unconscious, but not before hearing a young girl with a southern accent shout, “Scoots, look out!”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Sweetie Belle groaned as she picked herself up from the grass, complaining. “Aww, colt! Rarity is gonna kill me when she sees these grass stains!”

“Thanks for asking if we’re alright,” Scootaloo grunted as she dusted herself off. She picked up her scooter, checking it over for any damage to her main mode of transportation. “Oh come on! And I just gave Lightning a new paint job!” Scootaloo whimpered, hovering a hoof over the large scratch in the coat of paint.

“Ya named your scooter?” Applebloom asked incredulously, quirking an eye at Scootaloo.

“Hey, don’t judge me! Super Mega Ultra Lightning-Flash Mach 3000 is a totally acceptable name,” Scootaloo shot back, bristling. “Besides, at least I don’t go around painting my dog all orange!”

“Ah didn’t paint Winona orange! If ah wanted an orange dog, ah would have just asked ya to bark!” Applebloom countered, defending herself. 

“Oh yeah?” Scootaloo challenged, her head butting against Applebloom’s. “You couldn’t make me bark even if you-”

“Aww... its tail is so fluffy!” Sweetie Belle cooed, hugging the orange creature’s tail to herself. “Can I keep it?! Please please please?!”

“Umm, Sweetie Belle? What the heck is that thing?” Scootaloo questioned, trotting closer to her friend and the unconscious animal. 

“Ah don’t know,” Applebloom answered, poking the creature’s torso. “Applejack always told me ta never go near strange animals ah don’t know...”

“But Scoots hit it!” Sweetie Belle protested,  moving to show a bruise that was slowly forming on its shoulder. “That makes it our responsibility to heal it back to normal!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, hugging the fluffy tail to herself once more.

“But what is it?!” Scootaloo asked, poking at the strange animal. It was orange in the body, but it looked like a great deal of its body size was taken up by fur. Its tail was large, and had a fluffy creame color. Around its neck there was a mane the same color as its tail, and on its forehead there was a large tuft of fur as well. Despite being only a tiny bit larger than the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the animal’s ears were twice as long as the fillies at least.

“Strangest dog ah’ve ever seen,” Applebloom admitted, scratching her head.

“I know,” Sweetie said, her eyes brightening. This is two chances to get cutie marks! We could get one in being veterinarians, or on discovering a new species!”

“The second one sounds cooler to me!” Scootaloo said, her eyes bright. 

“Yeah, but ah don’t think we’re going ta get our cutie mark in findin’ a new animal if it dies on us,” Applebloom pointed out, nudging the creature, who was still blacked out.

“Psh, come on, it’s not dead! It’s just got a little bruise!” Scootaloo pointed out, rolling her eyes. “See? It’s already healing! All we need is a little ice from the clubhouse, and it’ll be fine!”

“Then come on, girls! Let’s get goin!”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Pain... Again. Waking up in pain was starting to get just a little old, but it was only the second time in a row. It’s not like it was a trend... yet.

“Scoots, ah think it’s wakin up!”

Oh great... It’s all coming back to me now... There I was, relaxing under an apple tree, just trying to get an apple to fall from the tree and turn into a pizza... It’s not like I was asking for a miracle! I mean, come on! Turning an apple into a pizza? That should be a piece of cake for a stupid dream to handle, right?!

Mmm... Cake... Okay, screw the pizza for now, now I want cake! I closed my eyes tighter, starting to concentrate, when my brain started to talk to me. Yeah, because you can be knocked unconscious in a dream...

Shut up, Brian, I thought back, trying to keep my focus. Stop trying to use logic on me, it won’t work! It’s a dream! Logic doesn’t work in dreams!

“Excuse me, mister cool monster creature thing? Can you wake up already so we can name you and stuff? We want our Monster Discoverer cutie marks already!”

“Cutie what now?” I asked, opening my eyes.

... Yeah, Brian, you can shut the hell up now. There’s no way in hell this is real. I’m still dreaming, so shut up and go away.

Technicolored horses... I was looking at technicolored horses... Yeah, if that doesn’t spell ‘dream’, then I don’t know what does. I mean, one of them had wings like Pegasus from Greek myths! And then there was the white Unicorn. I mean, okay, white, that’s normal, right? Except for the curly pink and purple... Dang, what’s that hair called on a horse? A mane, I think? Anyway, so there was the white unicorn, the... orange pegasus, and the yellow regular horse. Yeah, okay. And they could apparently talk. Sure, why not? Talking horses, I can buy that in a dream. Okay, Alex, I’ll take ‘original ideas’ for 400, please.

“Huh?” The three horses all looked at each other, confused. Oh, did I mention they have huge-ass eyes? Cause they do. And damn if it doesn’t make them look adorable as all get out. Stupid chibi horses. If anyone did something like that on Earth, I’ll bet they could make a mint off of it.

“Flare... Flareon? What the heck is that supposed to mean?” the orange one questioned, looking to the white unicorn.

“Don’t look at me!” the white one squeaked. Quite adorably, I might add. “I know the dictionary, not the encyclopedia!”

I blinked when I realized what the pegasus had said. Flare... Flareon? Oh no... Hell no. I am not a friggin Flareon! Of all of the Pokemon I could have turned into, I had to turn into one of the eeveelutions I hate the most?! Okay, forget this dream! I am now labeling it a nightmare.

Sure, a lot of people think that Flareons are cool. That they’re cute and cuddly. Well they’re not! They’re stupid fire dogs! Fire sucks. It’s hot. I’m fat, okay? I can only take so many layers off before there’s nothing left to take off. At least with cold you can always just add more layers.

Now dogs... I’m sure most of you love dogs. And it’s not so much that I hate dogs so much as I love cats. I grew up around cats, and my own cat, Patches, lived with me from the time I was born until I was sixteen, seventeen years old. Am I prejudiced? Yeah, so? Everyone, if they’re honest, is prejudiced. At least I’m up front about it.

So yay. I couldn’t turn into an Espeon, or a Glaceon, I had to be a stupid Flareon. Still, it’s ‘only’ a dream, so it’s not like I’m stuck like this for a long period of time, right?

Oh, crap, they’re staring at me! They asked me a question! Quick, Brian, gimme something witty to say!

42

“Forty-two!” I blurt out, my eyes going wide.

“Flareon? That’s your name?” the yellow one questioned, tilting her head to the side.

Did I mention that the yellow one had this adorable red bow that’s, like, twice the size of her head? Cause she does. Assuming that they’re intelligent, given from being able to speak, I feel sorry for anybody if she ever learns how to use puppy eyes, if she doesn’t already know. Heck, that white one might be pretty good at it too.

Oh, shoot, my name! Quickly, I shake my head emphatically, looking around for something to write with. I had only tried speaking a few times, but it seemed clear I was stuck speaking Pokemonese, or whatever it’s called. If I was lucky, though, maybe we wrote the same! I mean, I could still understand them, right? So it was a totally logical conclusion!

I thought that logic didn’t work in dreams, Fire Butt, Brian snarked at me.

Shut up Brian, I wasn’t talking to you! I thought back, trying to shut my brain up.

I heard gasps from the horses as I bounded over to a crudely drawn map, where some crayons were laying on the floor. I swiped the map from the wall, and then tried to grab a crayon, frowning when my paw just bounced off it. Crap, I didn’t think about the whole ‘not having opposable thumbs’ thing would prevent me from writing. Processing... Okay, old school time! Babies have to use two hands to grasp stuff, so I’ll just have to use both paws!

Beaming at my own brilliance, I started to write slowly, trying to keep my terrible penmanship from getting worse from using two paws.


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


“Is that thing... writing?” Scootaloo asked, looking to Applebloom.

“Ah think so,” Applebloom said slowly, trying to move her head to the side to look around the creature’s neck mane.

“Aww, look at it bobbing up and down as its tail wags back and forth!” Sweetie Belle cooed. “It’s so cute! It’s like it’s listening to music in its head or something!”

“Alright, girls, ah’m back from Canterlot!” Applejack yelled, trotting up the plank to the clubhouse. 

“Sis, sis, guess what?” Applebloom exclaimed, running out of the clubhouse excitedly. “We discovered a new animal! He’s super fluffy, and he’s really smart, and he can write!”

“Y’all discovered what now?” Applejack asked, quirking an eyebrow, walking faster. “What have ah told you about strange animals, Applebloom?”

“But ah just wanted mah Animal Discoverer cutie mark!” Applebloom whined in protest, her pupils growing larger. “He’s all friendly and stuff too! He’s not dangerous!”

“He?”

“Well, ah, ah think it’s a he. Can’t really tell, but when it talked it sounded like a stallion!” Applebloom explained, opening the door.

“Dibs!”

“Dibs on what, Sweetie?” Applejack inquired, tilting her head to the side.

“Dibs on Fluffy!” she declared, pointing at the large, orange dog-like animal. “I found him after Scoots crashed into him, I was the first to take care of him, and I love him the most! He’s got different kinds of fur on his body and tail, and that takes different kinds of shampoo, and only Rarity keeps those kinds in stock all the time!”

“Aww, but come on!” Scootaloo protested, her ears falling. “I hit him, and that means it’s up to me to make it better!”

“But now he’d be afraid of ya,” Applebloom pointed out, defending Sweetie’s ‘Dibs’. “So that would leave either Sweetie or ah ta take care of him, and since ah’ve already got a dog, we don’t need need him as badly as Sweetie Belle does. ‘Sides,” she finished, saving her most important piece of debate for last. “She already called Dibs. Everypony knows ‘bout the unversal Dibs Protocol!”

“And the No Take-Backs Accord!” Sweetie chirped, her eyes glowing as she realized she already won the argument. 

“But... but... You have to promise that he can be the crusader’s mascot, though!” Scootaloo protested, crossing her forelegs.

“Thank you!” Sweetie Belle cheered, hugging Scootaloo tightly. “You’re the best friend a filly could have, Scoots!”

“Um, girls? Ah think this isn’t a normal animal,” Applejack said slowly, crouching down defensively over the fillies. “Bloom, ah need you ta get Twi as fast as you can. If she doesn’t know what it is, then we should take it to the princess as soon as possible.”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Friggin finally! The stupid crayons only broke, like, a dozen times while I tried to write. Do you know how hard it is to write with super brittle crayons when you have to use two paws, and that usually means more pressure? It’s really damn hard, that’s how hard it is! Anyway, so I finally finished. I was so proud of myself, sadly. I had done my best to write eloquently, to help show that I was more intelligent than my now-limited vocabulary reflected.

I grabbed the message with my mouth, so that I could walk normally. I turned around, proud of myself, only to see a larger horse in a defensive stance above two of the three smaller ones. Okay, so the smaller ones are kids. I guess that makes sense. Wait, where did the third one go?

The white one with the horn trotted up to me fearlessly, her eyes wide with curiosity as she read my message. Crap, some of the words might go over her head if she’s not that old...

“Fluffy? Were you trying to write? Silly boy, that’s not how you draw letters! Oh wait, were you drawing a picture? It’s, um, very nice!” she said, trying to be encouraging. To me, however, the fact that our languages were different translated into only one word for me.

Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-







> Chapter the Third
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uuuuuuuunderful! Just funderful, I ranted to myself, stomping as I paced back and forth. Of course, I couldn’t pace very far, because the white horse had latched herself onto my tail, so I was fairly limited as to how far I would walk, and how I could turn around, lest I twist my own tail into a knot.

“Aww, Fluffy, you need to calm down!” the horse chirped at me. “I’ll take great care of you, I promise! I’ll feed you, and pet you, and brush you, and take you on walks, and-”

Joy, she wants me to be a pet... Well, that would be interesting, at least. Never been a pet before, after all. Besides, what else was I going to do in this dream if there weren’t any other Pokemon to fight or learn stuff from, or anything?

Giving up, mostly because I’m just lazy like that, I walked back the whole two steps back to the white horse, and then laid down around her, curling up as much as I could with her latching onto my tail like that.


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


“Aww, I think he likes me!” Sweetie Belle cooed, proud of herself.

“Or maybe he thinks yer his property,” Applejack suggested warily as the large orange dog creature curled around Sweetie Belle.

“You mean he wants to protect me?!” Sweetie asked excitedly, wide-eyed. “Wow! Hey, Scoots, come on! His fur is so soft! I’ll bet his mane and tail make for a great pillow and blanket!”

Applejack stiffened as the animal jerked its head back a bit as Sweetie let go of its tail for just a second, only to reposition herself so that she could curl up next to it, using its neck as a pillow, and pulling as much of the tail as she could around her. “You’re so soft...”

“Sweetie Belle, ah don’t think you should... Scootaloo! Git off that poor animal before it gets mad and bites you!” Applejack ordered, trying to both keep her distance while staying close enough to intervene.

Applejack gave pause as the animal picked its head up from its paws, and gave her a flat stare. Even though the words that came out were, “Flare? Flareon?” Applejack could practically hear the animal saying, “Really? Really now?”

Applejack trot forward slowly, then knelt in place so that she was face to face with the animal. She opened her mouth to talk, when she and the animal blinked at the same time. What gave her pause, however, was when the animal seemed to smile a little, and stared at her with such a deep intensity that Applejack knew this wasn’t a ‘normal’ animal. “So you think you can beat me in a starin’ contest? Ah might not be Pinkie Pie, but yer still on, fluff butt!”

“Flary?!”

Applejack started chuckling quietly, allowing a smug grin as she started the staring contest, knowing she was already ahead in the mind games by irritating her opponent. Sorry, whatever you are, but ah’ve had too much practice facing against Dashie for ya to win if you get riled up this easily!

It was an intense duel, but in the end, Applejack managed to win by crossing her eyes, and touching her snout with her tongue at the same time. The ridiculousness caused the animal to blink in confusion, before it groaned, slapping a paw to its face. “Ha! Ah win again! It was a nice try, partner, but ah always win in the end! Unless it’s Pinkie Pie. Or Fluttershy. Nopony can win against Fluttershy...”

Applejack repressed a shudder, noting that she had the animal’s full attention. She stopped laughing, and allowed herself to calm down, becoming serious once more. “Okay, look,” she started, making sure the animal was following along. “Ah get that you’re not... That you understand what we’re saying, right?”

After it nodded, Applejack continued, “Then ah need to make sure you understand what ah mean when I say this.”

Applejack’s glare intensified as she shoved her head against the animal’s, hissing, “If you so much as put one hair on their manes out of place, or hurt them in any way, with Celestia as my witness, Ah will end you... Do ah make mahself clear?”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Yeah, you’re clear. Crystal clear. You’re any kind of clear you want to be!

I swallowed hard, nodding slowly, afraid that any sudden movements would provoke her. It made sense, now, in hindsight. If these small horses were kids, or... fillies, she called them? Anyway, if they were fillies, then it made sense that they had to have a mother, right? Well, I found at least one of the mothers, and if there’s anything that any moron should know, it’s not to mess with a mother’s children.

“Good,” the mother said to me, all smiles again. “Course, ah’ll do mah best to make sure they don’t mistreat ya or anything in return. Ah don’t expect you ta just sit, stay, and roll over.”

“Applejack, we’re here!”

Oh joy, I though with a sigh. More of them... This dream has gone from awesome, to average, to sucktacular. Alright, where the hell is the old man of the dream world?! He threw off my dream groove somehow, and I swear I’m kicking that old codger’s ass out of the highest window I can find the second I catch that jerk!

I winced as the orange one on top of me slipped, her hoof hitting me on the back of the head. Okay, when the hell is the pain going to wake me up, this is ridiculous! Any more and I’m going to start doubting if this is a dream or not! Brian, what’s my status?

You mean besides being a few fries short of a happy meal? A few grapes short of a bunch? A few sodas short of a six-pack? A scoop short of a banana split? A-

Yes, Brian, thank you, you can shut up now... I swear, that little prick is more annoying than he’s good for. Well, let’s see who, or what, just showed...

Yayifications... The little yellow one is back, and she’s headed straight for- “Oof!”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Twilight raised an eyebrow at the strange animal, wincing slightly in sympathy as Applebloom all but tackled the poor thing, eliciting a pained “Flare!” from the animal. “And you’re... sure it’s safe, Applejack?”

“Ah... don’t ‘xactly know, Twi,” Applejack admitted, rubbing the back of her head. “But ah talked to it, and it knew what ah was saying. It challenged me to an eye-staring contest, and ah beat it. Right after that, ah made sure it knew that if it hurt ‘Bloom or her friends, it wouldn’t like what ah’d do to it.”

“You threatened an unknown animal?! Applejack, you don’t goad animals like that! That’s asking for it to-”

“It ain’t an ordinary animal, Twi.”

Twilight blinked, her eyes narrowing slightly as she paid close attention to Applejack. “When ah talked to it, ah could tell it was intelligent, maybe even as intelligent as we are. Ah could tell it knew ah was related ta Bloom, and not ta hurt any of the fillies. It wasn’t... It isn’t like Winona, who knows when she does something bad. This... thing, it doesn’t only know what is wrong, it knows why it’s wrong. It... shoot, ah’ve never been the best at explainin’ things, Twi. Talk to it yourself. You’ll know what ah mean.”

“Well, alright,” Twilight agreed, pulling out a quill and some parchment. “It’s why you called me out here to begin with. Let’s see... Quill, check. Parchment, check. Ink, check. Minor Margin’s Manual of Major Mythical Monsters for reference? Check. Alright, it’s time to figure out what this thing is!”

.o.O.o.

“Bloom, careful!” Sweetie protested, hearing her new pet’s pained cry. “Don’t hurt Fluffy! We just got him all better, remember?”

“Yeah, ah know,” Applebloom said apologetically, backing away from the animal. “Sorry, Sweetie. Ah didn’t mean ta hurt... Okay, ah’m sorry, but Fluffy? That’s the best name y’all could think of?”

“W-what? I think it’s appropriate!” Sweetie protested, hugging Fluffy’s tail closer to herself. “Right, Fluffy?”

The three crusaders looked to their new pet, only to see him visibly wincing. “... Told’ja so.”

“O-oh be quiet, Applebloom, nopony asked you!” Sweetie pouted, her eyes watering.

“Wait... He was saying Flaresomething before, right?” Scootaloo asked, looking between her two friends. “Sounds like something related to fire. Is that its name?”

The three fillies looked at their pet, who bobbed its head in a yes and no at the same time. “... Well, that was helpful,” Sweetie Belle pouted for a moment, before her eyes brightened. “Wait a second! You can understand us?!”

When they received another nod, they all squealed in excitement. “This is so awesome!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “We’ve got a really smart pet! Oh! Questions! Okay, are you a colt, or a filly?”

When they got a confused head tilt in response, Sweetie Belle clarified, “Err, male or female?”

When Fluffy nodded, an odd smirk on its face, it took the fillies a moment to realize that they hadn’t asked a yes or no answer. “Um... Okay, one at a time. Are you male?” A nod. 

“Alright... Is your name Flareon?”

Fluffy hesitated, waffling his head around. “Ah don’t know, Sweetie... Something that means yes and no? What else could it mean?”

“Is that the name of your species?” Twilight asked, scribbling notes.

“Flare!”

The four ponies scattered when the animal jumped, clearly startled. The three fillies hid behind Twilight for a moment, while Fluffy regained his breath, before they started to berate Twilight. “Twi, don’t startle him! That’s not nice!” Sweetie complained, trotting back to Fluffy, curling back up into him. “See? Now his tail lost all of the heat I’d been storing up in it!”

“R-right, sorry,” Twilight apologized slowly, puzzled. “A-anyway, Mr... Flareon? Is that your name, or your species name, or your language?”

“You have to ask him yes or no questions, Twilight, he doesn’t speak Equish!” Scootaloo whispered into Twilight’s ear.

“... Okay, is that your name specifically?” Twilight asked slowly, quirking an eyebrow at the creature.

It shook its head, then sighed, his head starting to bob a little to an invisible beat. “Is that the name of your language?” He shook his head again. “Your species?”

There was a slight hesitation, but he did eventually nod. Twilight cracked open her book, and started to read through the index, searching for the elusive Flareon entry...


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


I sighed, getting ready to start twiddling my paws. Now, it felt nice to have a warm body cuddled up against me, using my tail to keep her warm, yeah, but this wasn’t exactly dream material, you know?

Okay, seriously, Brian, this is, without a doubt, the most boring dream I’ve ever had... Seriously. The beginning? Great! I was looking forward to it! But this? This is just plain boring! I’ve watched bingo games with more action than this! There’s no action, no romance, no randomness... The only weird things going on is that I’m a Flareon, and that there are talking techicolored unicorns talking to me and trying to figure out what I am! Lame!

Oh shut up. You get what you pay for, alright? Besides, like I said before, this isn’t a dream! If it was, there’d be, like, a hot Espeon trying to seduce you against your will using her psychic powers or something!

Pay?! I don’t pay you anything; you’re my brain, Brian!

Exactly! You pay me squat, so that’s what you get! Now start paying attention to your damned senses and figure out that this isn’t a stupid dream, moron! I’ve got better things to be doing with my time, you know! Yeash. May as well work ahead on trying to prevent your inevitable meltdow-

“So... He’s really smart, right? So isn’t a name like Fluffy kinda... you know, insulting?” one of the fillies asked, stretching her wing across my back.

I nodded quickly, abandoning my argument with Brian without a second thought. A chance to change what they were calling me? Heck yeah! I just have to hope they come up with some good names...





> Chapter the Fourth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I groaned as the fillies kept listing horrible name after horrendous name, listing them one right after another. The only plus side to the whole thing was that I had been able to discern their names with how much the three of them argued with each other. Still haven’t caught the mother’s name, of course, but while the purple unicorn looked through her book *Snerk* Good luck... the mother was at least trying to keep the three fillies mostly in line, and shot down a good number of the names for me. 

“Super Awesome Fantastical Barky-”

I snerked as Appleboom smacked Scootaloop for that name suggestion, only to groan as Appleboom asked, “Wait, ah know! Fluffy, what’re y’all good at? We can’t have a good name without knowing what’cher good at!”

*Achoo!*

Weeeeell crap... Okay, Brian, I’m totally blaming that on you. You were thinking about me behind my back again, weren’t you?! Admit it! Only you could make me sneeze fire in a dream! This is your fault!

Yeah... Because it’s totally not that you’re a Flareon, and they breathe fire and crap. Yup, this was all totally an original idea...

Wow, sarcasm! The humor and wit of the poor people and the moronic, I mocked Brian, rolling my eyes as I flicked my tail from around the white horse to smother the fire. Why am I not surprised that you have to resort to that?

Oh, that is it! You can go straight to Hell for all I care!

Well, you should, because if I’m sent to Hell, then so are you too, so... Yeah, have fun with that, Brian. Way to totally one-up me and show me who’s boss.

After a moment of mental silence, I cheered that I had won the battle, only to be left to fend for myself as all six horses stared at the burn in the wood, then back to me, and I wasn’t sure if they were shocked, stunned, amazed, or-

Oh look! Shiny!

Dammit... Sorry, guess I uh, haven’t mentioned that yet, have I? You’ve heard of kids who are ADD, ADHD, etc, right? Well, I suffer from A.D.O.S Syndrome... Sorry, Attention Deficit OH SHINY! syndrome. What had caught my eye, sadly enough, was a small bell that the yellow pegasus had-

Wait a sec, yellow pegasus? When the hell did it get here?! Brian! Quit slackin on me and explain this!

Well, you see, when a mare and a stallion love each other very much, they-

Yeah yeah yeah, just fast-forward in its life until it arrived here, and you couldn’t be bothered to warn me...


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


“O-oh my,” Fluttershy gasped, staring at the strange animal. “Did... did it just sneeze fire, or am I imagining things?”

Applejack and Twilight turned to the canary colored mare as Applejack answered, “Not unless we all imagined it at the same time... Okay, ah’m a little more worried now... But it did promise not ta hurt them...”

“H-he can talk?” Fluttershy stammered, her eyes growing wide. “T-then why did you need me to come?”

“Flareon?”

“Girls, ah told ya not to pester th’ poor thing!” Applejack exclaimed, exasperated.

“No, ah mean... Can y’all really breathe fire?!” Applebloom asked, her eyes shining bright.

“F-flare,” it answered, nodding its head slowly.

“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” Fluttershy whispered to herself, growing more and more worried. It had claws, and sharp teeth, and could breathe fire?! “G-girls, get away from it! It could be dangerous!”

“Err, Fluttershy, not that ah don’t trust ya, but ah already got it ta promise not ta hurt them. It ain’t stupid enough to attack them when ah’m right here.”

“Flare-eon flare flary,” the creature grumbled, practically throwing its head onto its forepaws.

“Applejack, it’s not nice to call it stupid,” Fluttershy reprimanded, earning her a surprised look from the animal.

“Ah didn’t call it stupid!” Applejack protested. “Ah said it wasn’t stupid enough ta-”

“Implying that you thought it was stupid to some degree, just not to attack,” Fluttershy interrupted, causing the creature’s jaw to drop.

“But that’s not what ah meant!” 

“But that’s what it sounded like! Now you apologize to him right now, missy!” Fluttershy ordered, before her resolve weakened. “Um, I mean... you don’t have to, I suppose, but you should. It would be really nice, I guess...”

“Fla... Flareon...” it said dumbly, clearly stupefied.

“It is not fine to call others names!” Fluttershy frowned at the creature, shocking it again.

“Flare... Flareon e flary?!”

“Um...” Fluttershy blinked, trying to figure out what it was saying to her. After several seconds of silence, Fluttershy sighed, mumbling to Twilight, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what it is. I’ve never heard of an animal like this before.”

*Thunk* *Thump... Thump... Thump...*

“O-oh, um, it isn’t good for your head to do that, little guy!” Fluttershy said worriedly, trying to get close enough to comfort the poor animal, who was busy banging its head against the ground. “T-that can hurt your brain! C-could you stop, please?”

With a sigh, the animal stopped, though kept grumbling under its breath. “Thank you very much! Now, um, if you don’t mind my asking... what are you?”

*Thump*

“O-oh my...”

.o.O.o.

After nursing the creature’s head, examining it to make sure that it hadn’t given itself a concussion, Fluttershy proceeded to give it a full check-up, asking politely for it to open its mouth, or show its teeth, or allow her to poke it. All the while, the three fillies continued to try to name their new pet, now knowing that it could breathe fire. Even Twilight and Applejack were starting to make suggestions while they waited for the rest of their friends to arrive, just in case Celestia wanted them to blast it with the elements of harmony or something.

“Kelvin?” Twilight suggested.

“As in th’ temperature? Twi, ah love ya, don’t get me wrong, but that’s just not... No.” Applejack said, denying Twilight.

“Ganondorf!” Scootaloo piped up, only for the creature to burst out laughing in barks, rolling onto its side, gasping for breath.

“Ah think that’s a no, Scoots,” Applebloom commented, poking the giggling animal with her hoof. “He thought that one was funny, though.”

“Umm... Oh, I know!” Sweetie squeaked. “How about Ignis?”

“U-um, Old Equestrian is out of phase right now, actually, so it wouldn’t be, um, a great name choice right now... not that there’s anything wrong with your suggestion, I mean...”

“Pyro?” Scootaloo suggested, only to get shot down by Twilight.

“That makes him sound like he’s some kind of an arsonist, Scootaloo. How about... Solis? Xan? Those are ancient names that mean-”

“Yeah, key word being ancient,” Scootaloo shot back, rolling her eyes. “He’s awesome! He needs a cool name, like... like... The Fearsome Firey Fireball Kin-”

Scootaloo was given a rather forceful bop to the head from Applebloom, interrupting her name suggestion. “For tha love of apples, stop suggestin such stupid names! Th’ poor guy has ta live with it, ya know!”

“Flary!”

“See?! Flary agrees with me!” Applebloom grinned, crossing her forelegs smugly.

“Flary?”

“Yeah, what he said!” Sweetie Belle protested, scratching her head. “Flary? Isn’t that kind of odd, naming him after his species or whatever? Besides, he’s my pet, and I think that Solaire is a lot more regal sounding!”

“Ah know! Let’s let him decide!” Applebloom declared, looking at Fluffy.

“How? He can’t speak!” 

“We’ll all say a name, and then he can just point at whoever has the best idea! Ah pick Flary!” Applebloom declared, waiting for everypony else to name their suggestions.

“Solaire!”

“Fearsome Furnace of Firey-”

“Two word limit, Scoots.”

“Fine! Umm... Uhh... Flare Blitz!”


~=~=~=~=~=~=~


Name me after an attack? That’s an idea, though I’m lucky that Flareon doesn’t learn that move, or else I’d-

Okay, it’s official. Life sucks. Yes, even dream life. Flareons don’t learn Flare Blitz. It’s not a technical machine, so it’s not like it can be taught, either! Then, on top of all that, I’m not a mindless Pokemon, alright? I’m just a human being, dreaming. I shouldn’t be compelled to follow something that clearly wasn’t an order to attack, right? Right?!

Apparently, Life didn’t give a damn about any of that. Well you know what, Life? Frell you. Frell you to Hell and back! (And if you run into any German brothers with horns, I hope they made you do a billion squat-thrusts!) 

Now, just in case some of you are slow on the uptake, allow me spell it out for you. Scootaloop, darn her stupid, if slightly adorable, enthusiasm, by suggesting ‘Flare Blitz’ with such force, something, and I don’t know what... nudged me, so to say, compelled me, to follow her suggestion and use the attack. 

There was one thing that was in my favour, though. Or rather, two things. Firstly, Scootaloop was not my trainer. Secondly, I had no pokeball, so I was under no obligation from that, either, meaning I had free will.

Sadly, however, I had free will. And I was only dreaming. So when I felt the nudge in the back of my head, helping me know how to perform the attack, naturally, I used it. Well, after making sure that the fillies weren’t on me, that is. Even in my dreams, I’m not a monster.

Of course, even so, I... didn’t think about it... See, I was kind of inside a house, or cabin or something... So when I charged forward, I might, just might, mind you, have taken a huge hole out of the wall... And then gone through an entire tree... I’m not exactly sure what happened, because my world exploded in pain, and I blacked out again. Yes, again. In a dream. Yeah, starting to doubt that this is a dream, because this pain is... Oh yeah, definitely blacking out n-

.o.O.o.

“Woah! F-Fluffy, why did you just shove me?!” Sweetie asked, shocked as she went tumbling away. “Scoots suggested that name, not me!”

“Wow, either he really likes it or really hates it!” Scootaloo gulped, rushing to her friend. “Sorry Sweetie!”

“Whai is he all glowin’ an stuff, sis?” Applebloom asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“Girls, get down!” Applejack tackled the fillies, shielding them with her body as Twilight created a shield between themselves and the flaming creature.

After a resounding crash, the mares and fillies all opened their eyes, gaping at the large, smoking hole in the clubhouse, and the flaming trail behind it. “F-Fire!”

“Not for long! Applejack, stand back!"

Applejack was still standing in front of Fluttershy and the cutie mark crusaders, just in case something happened, but nothing did. Twilight used her magic to use the water pump right outside of the clubhouse, then directed the water to the fires, which were still rather small.

Amidst the smoke, and the few embers still popping and sizzling, the six ponies stood there in shock, before Scootaloo shouted, “This is the best pet in the history of petness! Did you see that?! Maybe he liked the name so much he had to-”

“I, um, don’t know about that,” Fluttershy mumbled, scuffing the floor. “He, um, looked kinda scared to me, like he wasn’t sure what was going on. Can we, um, if you don’t mind, make sure that he’s alright? I mean, what if he-”

“Fluffy!”

“Girls, git back here, it’s not safe!” Applejack called out, chasing after Sweetie Belle and her friends.

“But Fluffy might be hurt!” Sweetie protested over her shoulder. “I can’t just let my poor Fluffy get even worse! What kind of an owner would I be?”

As the three fillies approached the unconscious Fluffy, and they could see all of the scratches over his body. “Fluffy! Fluttershy, hurry up! He’s really hurt!”

“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness,” Fluttershy mumbled to herself rapidly, trying to take in the scene completely. “U-um... S-Scootaloo, head to Ponyville Clinic, inform them to get an emergency room ready. Sweetie Belle, I know you love... Fluffy a lot, but I need you to let go of him. You could be making his injuries worse, if there’s any internal bleeding. Applebloom, um... Keep doing what you’ve been doing, I guess...”

“B-but you have to make sure that Fluffy’s okay!” Sweetie Belle whimpered from Applebloom’s grasp, wanting to rush back to Fluffy’s side. “W-we already hit him with the wagon once! He can’t get hurt again, right after we made him better! That... You have to make him better!”

“I can make it better!” Pinkie exclaimed, popping up from behind Fluttershy. “Look! It’s Gummy 2.0! I found him unconscious on the way here! See? He’s all blue, and he’s got red spines on his back, and he’s blue! And an alligator, like Gummy! Get it? Gummy 2.0!”

After everypony recovered from their heart attacks brought on by a particular pink party pony popped up, Fluttershy looked the unconscious gator over, shaking her head. “It’s not an alligator, Pinkie. I mean, looks like one, but they aren’t blue. And they don’t have red spines, or-”

“Good gracious, whatever happened here?” Rarity asked, trotting up to the group, looking at the charred ground. “It looks like a... Sweetie Belle! What did you do?” she gasped, rushing to her sister’s side, starting to lecture her. “What were you thinking, messing around with fire like that? What have I told you, young filly? Don’t mess with fire! And you’re absolutely filthy! It’ll take an hour at least to get all of this soot out of your coat! And-”

“B-but I had to help Fluffy!” Sweetie protested, still weakly straining towards her pet. “He’s hurt!”

“Fluffy?” Rarity questioned, looking around. “... Sweetie, dear, is... did you name that... creature, ‘Fluffy’?”

“Uh-huh... W-we were trying to come up with a new name for him, though,” Sweetie sniffed, wiggling her way out of Rarity’s grasp to latch onto the tip of Fluffy’s tail. “Please be okay...”

“Sweetie, don’t tug on its tail like that, you’re going to hurt it!” Rarity chided, setting her hoof next to Sweetie’s. “Besides, for all we know he could... have...”

Rarity blinked, moving her hoof slowly, before turning to her sister again. “... Fluffy? No, I will not allow it! ‘Fluffy’ does not adequately do justice to its luxurious tail! Fluttershy, I must insist that you get... Fluffy, here, back to health as soon as possible! But um... What is it, exactly?”

“Twilight!”

The group turned and saw Spike, Twilight’s number one dragon assistant, running down the path, his small chest heaving for breath as he waved his arm, a scroll clutched in his claw. “Spike! What is it?” Twilight asked worriedly, her wings involuntarily spreading.

“Let... Letter from the... The Princess,” Spike panted, allowing Twilight to take the scroll in her telekinetic grasp. 

“Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I’m sorry for writing you on such short notice, but there’s a national emergency we need your help with desperately, as well as the other Elements, if they’re available. Since last week, strange creatures have begun to arrive in Equestria. While isolated events at first, it has been happening with an increasing frequency, and I’m worried as to what their intentions are. While Luna has figured out how to talk to them in their dreams, or using a special spell, she is just one pony, and quite a number of the creatures have become hostile, or non-responsive. We’re worried they may be mentally unstable, and would appreciate any knowledge you might have about these creatures. We have a... few ideas, but there isn’t enough information to come to a conclusive answer. Please respond as soon as possible to let us know when you can arrive.
Your faithful friend,
Princess Celestia”

Twilight blinked, then sat down heavily, breathing heavily. “... It’s still weird, you know? Not being her student anymore... A-anyway,” she continued, snapping out of it. “Are you girls fine with teleportation? We need to get there immediately!”

Fluttershy spoke up from ‘Fluffy’s’ side, whispering, “Um, actually Twilight, I can’t. I need to stay with him to make sure he recovers.”

“It’ll be fine! Canterlot has the best infirmary in Equestria! Now come on!” Twilight urged, pushing everypony together.

“Wee! Let’s go!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, bouncing up and down excitedly, still holding the blue crocodile.

“Alright! Here we go!” Twilight said, closing her eyes as she charged her spell, the wind threatening to give Twilight lift to her wings, before they all winked out of sight.

The clearing settled back down, leaving it silent, aside from the wind...

Not a minute later, a faint buzzing sound started to grow exponentially, revealing an orange pegasus on a scooter appearing. As she jumped off her scooter, Scootaloo looked around, shouting, “Sweetie Belle? Applebloom? Fluffy?! Aww, come on! Where is everypony?!”








> Old Cover Art
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: You can skip this 'chapter', sorry. I didn't want to just delete the chapter (and thus the comments), so... Yeah, just click the next chapter button. Sorry!


> Chapter the Fifth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scootaloo held onto Rainbow Dash as tightly as she dared, the latter of which was winging her way towards Canterlot. While Scootaloo had been understandably upset at having been left behind, Scootaloo’s rage was forgotten in an instant when Rainbow Dash exploded in anger at Scootaloo’s explanation. Scootaloo, of course, knew that Rainbow Dash, the most awesomest, coolest, radicalest pony in Equestria, no, the world, was the Element of Loyalty, but even she didn’t expect Rainbow Dash to be as angry as she was.

Still, after informing the Ponyville clinic that, no, they would not be needing that ER room after all, Rainbow Dash offered Scootaloo a ride to her friends, since the elements wouldn’t be complete without Rainbow Dash. As much as Scootaloo loved Rainbow Dash, however, as she nearly lost her grip for the fifth time, she was starting to second-guess her decision. “R-Rainbow Dash?! I c-can’t hold on much longer!”

“Good, ‘cause we’re there!” Rainbow Dash laughed as she landed, Scootaloo practically falling off her back. “Now come on, we need to find everypony else so I can give them a piece of my mind!”

“Y-yeah! Sure thing, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo shook her head, fluffing her wings briefly to resettle the agitated feathers, before running after her idol in search of their friends.

.o.O.o.

“Alright girls, the infirmary is just down this hall,” Twilight explained, leading the way seconds after materialising. “We’ll drop off Fluffy there, and then the rest of us can go see what Princess Celestia is talking about.” 

“You know, we could just bring Flufferson O’Fluff with us,” Pinkie Pie suggested, bouncing along.

“What?! But he’s really injured!” Sweetie Belle protested.

“Nu-uh!” Pinkie Pie argued, grinning. “See? Gummy 2.0 can heal things around it by sleeping! Just look at all of the scratches that have started to go away,” Pinkie pointed out, nodding sagely. “Just by being asleep, my little Gummy 2.0 can heal stuff around him! Pretty cool, right?”

Everypony gathered around Fluffy, watching closely, and sure enough, they saw, albeit over the course of a couple minutes, the smallest of scratches and nicks start to close and disappear, leaving the skin and fur beneath them healthy, though still a bit dirty with blood and earth. “See? Gummy 2.0 is just as special as Gummy is!” 

“Yeah, special ed,” Spike snickered to himself, giggling at his own joke.

“What was that, Spike? I’m certain you didn’t make fun of someone else’s intelligence after all of the lessons Twilight taught you, or am I wrong?”

“It was just a little joke, Prin... Gah! P-Princess, stop doing that to me!” Spike whimpered, clutching at his rapidly beating heart. “How do you manage to always sneak up on me like that?! Every since I was small, you're always-”

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Princess Celestia replied, concentrating on the rest of the party. “Thank you for coming on such short notice, Twilight. Did you find these two already unconscious, or did they attack you?”

“What? No, they didn’t attack us,” Twilight replied, frowning. 

“Yeah! Fluffy wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Sweetie Belle protested, hugging Fluffy’s tail tightly, as if she could protect him from Celestia.

“But he did destroy part of our club-house, Sweetie,” Applebloom pointed out, scratching the back of her head.

“But Fluttershy said that he was scared and stuff! It wasn’t his fault! He put out the small fire he made when he sneezed, didn’t he?” Sweetie shot back, trying to fend off the attacks on her new pet from all sides. “He just needs to be trained a little, that’s all!”

“He did what now?” Celestia asked sternly, looking at Sweetie Belle.

“Well... Can I get a drink of water first, please?”

“May I,” Rarity corrected automatically, using her magic to ever so lightly tweak her sister’s ear.

“Hey! I thought you said you wouldn’t do that anymore!” Sweetie Belle whimpered, looking at Rarity sadly.

Sweetie used Puppy Eyes!
...
The attack missed!

As Rarity began to lecture her sister, Celestia frowned once more, looking to Twilight. “Where’s Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight and her four friends looked to each other, gaping as they realized they had, somehow, forgotten all about Element of Loyalty.

“Right here!” Rainbow Dash yelled from down the hall, quickly flying her way next to her friends, only to be tackled from the sky in a bear-crushing hug from Pinkie Pie, followed by everypony else. “H-hey, what gives? Come on, the squirt’s watching me, stop it!”

“Scootaloo, look!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, jumping up and down eagerly. “Fluffy’s already getting better! Pinkie says it’s because of her new Gummy she found!”

“W-why did you guys ditch me like that?” Scootaloo panted, slightly worn down from running down hall after hall, doing her best to keep up with her idol. “That was not cool!”

Two sets of filly ears flattened against their owner’s heads, ashamed. “W-we didn’t mean to! Fluffy was really hurt, and Twilight got a letter, and everything was happening so fast, and-”

“And that’s what ah learned from Applebloom, Princess Celestia,” Applejack finished, setting her hat back on her head. 

Princess Celestia blinked, then asked, “So you’re saying they ran into ‘Fluffy’, took him into their clubhouse to earn their cutie marks, tried to name it, and...”

Having been around for a few millennia, Princess Celestia knew that it was better to stay silent when you didn’t know what to say, rather than fill the silence with awkward ‘uhs’, ‘ums’, and ‘ers’. After she gathered her thoughts, she turned to Pinkie Pie, and started to question her. “Where did you find-”

“Gummy 2.0?” Pinkie finished for Celestia, setting the unconscious alligator next to Fluffy. “Well I was hopping around in the marsh, looking for some new ingrediants to put into my cupcakes, because blueberry is tasty and all, but it starts to get old, you know, and everypony just loves new flavors, and I was trying to find something more on the sour side you know, not like sour balls because those are super sour, and nopony likes super sour cupcakes or muffins, so-”

“Pinkie Pie? Could you fast-forward to the part where you found Gummy 2.0, please?” Twilight asked, blushing embarrassment, flashing Princess Celestia a nervous smile.

“Okie Doki Moki! Anyway, I saw this yellow rat being a Meanie-Pants McJerky Face to poor Gummy 2.0, so I blasted that mean ol’ rat all the way to the zebra lands with my Party Cannon Mark III! But then I went to poor Gummy 2.0, and it was bleeding really badly, and I got super duper depressed because Fluttershy’s cottage was like really far away, and I told it to just rest, because it needed to keep its strength, and then it did! It was all like ‘A rest? Yeah, that sounds like a super nifty keen idea, pretty pink party pony of Ponyville! I’ll do that!’ And then-”

“Wait, you could understand it?!” Celestia interrupted, her eyes going a little wider as she leaned in.

“Huh? Of course not, silly! That’s why I said it was like, not it did!” Pinkie giggled, shaking her head at Celestia. “But the second I told it to rest, it zonked out right there, and then it started to heal itself, like *woosh*, and then it stopped bleeding, and the cuts started to close, and then I was all Holy manure, this little guy can heal things?! That’s so awesome! And then I picked him up and started to head over to the library to show Twilight, but she wasn’t there, so then I-”

~o~O~o~

Pain... One of these days, knowing my luck, I’ll finally get to wake up pain-free, only to hit my head on the ceiling as I jump for joy. Still, I’ll take stinging pain over throbbing pain any day, since it’s easier to ignore, and since it usually heals quicker. Still, I couldn’t figure out why half of my body felt like I had tried to use a new shaver for the first time. What, it happens! You get a new razor, you’re not used to the weight, or the shape, your hand slips... Alright, fine, moving on...

Ow... Brian... I am totally blaming you for my constant waking up in pain thing... Oh, and seriously, that last dream was totally lame. Like mega levels of lame. Talking horses? That’s the best you could do? They weren’t even freaking Ponyta or Rapidash or Blitzle! What kind of crap was that?! I don’t do drugs, there’s no alcohol, so what. The. Hell. Brian, you had better have a damn good explanation for this! Ugh... Okay, Brian, status report...

Loading... Loading... Loading... Error: File Brian.exe not found. Restarting systems...

Yeah, yeah, very funny, Brian... Can you shut up and tell me what the hell’s going on already?

First you tell me to shut up, and then you want me to tell you something all in the same breath? Sounds to me like you don’t even know what you want, Brian snarked back to me. Although, I do have to, sadly, admit that he made a good point. Dammit logic! Y u no work for me?

... I concede your point, oh wise and knowledgeable Brian... So can I open my freaking eyes yet?

T-trying but... Too... heavy... Gonna go... to nap time...

*Le sigh* Of course, Brian would still need more rest or something, so yay... No being back in the world of the conscious for me. Oh well, maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll get a real dream this time, instead of-

Speak of the devil! Okay, let’s see what I get... Space? Space! Woohoo! Score, I love space. Okay, imagine the space core from Portal, right? That’s me. Except that my vocabulary is a bit wider, and I don’t talk about it 24/7. I mean, I also don’t think I talk as much as the space core, though I know I talk a lot, so I can’t deny that there aren’t similarities, but I certainly don’t talk as fast as the space core, and the space core also rambles on and on like-

… Crap. Okay, fine. Whatever. Anyways, so I’m floating along in space, you know? No atmosphere, and I’m telling you, it was freaky weird not having to breathe, or maybe it was breathing nothingness? I don’t know. Anywho, so far, there’s no sign of life, so it’s... Wait, no, there’s another... something coming closer, so I guess it’s only us here... I’m just floating along in no direction, waiting for the other thing to get closer. I try running, but since there’s no gravity, (or traction), I go nowhere fast...

How long has it been already? I have no recollection of the time... What year is it? I smack myself for even thinking that. This was a dream, not a time machine, or a TARDIS! But still, it feels like the time is going so slowly up here, all alone... Or is it down? I mean, it’s space, so is there really a direction? I don’t know... I mean, I don’t feel down, so I guess I’m up... Dang, even talking to myself, and it feels so quiet, except for this... this... I don’t know what kind of sound it is, sorry. It’s one of those sounds that you can’t exactly verbalise, you know? Kind of like it’s really hard to write out what the Wilhelm scream is. 

So I did the only thing I could: I waited. Well, okay, fine, I whistled. I even sang a little, but sadly, I’ve never been a good singer. I have pitch-perfect ears for any instrument, but add in my voice, and I just can’t figure out what went wrong... I mean, my voice sounded okay to me, but when I play it back, I just... Let’s just say that my singing has inspired several of the comic strips in The Book of Bunny Suicides. 

So I waited, and pretty soon, there was, surprise surprise, another friggin pony making their way towards me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t really have anything against horses, alright? But, see, supposedly, anyway, dreams are supposed to reflect... something something about yourself, and seeing all of these ponies was starting to piss me off just ever so slightly. 

“Well, at least this is new,” I sighed, resting my head on my forepaws. “Or rather, to an extent. Now it’s a pony with wings and a horn! Le gasp!”

“If thou were not clearly touched in the head, We would smite thee where thou stands for such insolence!”

Oh. Joy. The talking, navy blue pegacorn thinks she’s super important or something. Pegacorn? Unisus? Hmm... I guess I’ll go with unisus for now, just because pegacorn sounds kinda dirty to me. I mean, just switch two letters, and then you have a barrel full of illicit adult materials. I might hate ponies at the moment, but I was  not going to go that far. At least, not until she really gave me a reason to be pissed off at her. 

That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to be a smart-ass to her, though. “Smite? I’m sorry, but there’s no Pokemon in League of Legends, and even if there were, that summoner spell only works on Jungle Creeps and Champion Pets, and I’m sure a Pokemon would be a Champion, not just some little minion. But you wanna talk in ye olde English? Sure, I can do that.”

I cleared my throat, then said, “Greetings! How art thou, and what is thy name? One is known as Glenn Winters, but one’s surname shall suffice.”

“... Verily, thou art as random as Pinkie,” the horse replied, blinking. 

“What doth one’s smallest digit have to do with anything? Art thou referring to Pinkie and the Brian? I mean Brain? Because, verily, one has never seen much of that show. One has only had the theme song stuck in one’s mind, lingering like the stench of a chipmunk that’s been decaying under the front porch for weeks.” Oh, don’t stop me now, please! Give me jelly and butter me yellow, cause I’m on a roll!

“We are Princess Luna, and you will answer our questions without freaking out, or going insane, or-”

“Forty-two.” I giggled shamelessly as the horse’s eye twitched, so I held out a paw, begging her patience until I got my breath back. “O-okay, okay... Sorry, but this dream is really boring, you know? Just trying to spice it up a bit, since I’m still stuck as a Flareon and all.”

“What is a Flareon?”

I blinked, my mind racing as fast as it could, what with Brian being out of commission for the time being. “Well it... umm... Is a Pokemon?” I answer slowly, my eyebrows furrowing. “I... If you don’t know what a Pokemon is, I don’t really know how to explain what a Flareon is...”

Wow, that’s new. Never seen a horse’s face grow pale before... Cool! I wonder if I can get her to blush... Nah, prolly not. My roll to charm isn’t very high, and I refuse to do something super embarrassing or exposing, even in a dream.

“Pardon one, but... didst thou say... Pokemon?”

“... Yes? Look, I just want to know what the heck was with my previous dream, and what the heck is with this one. I mean, two horse dreams in a row? That’s more than a little freaky.”

“... This is thy first dream in Equestria, Mister... Winters, was it? Whatever happened earlier was not a dream.”

“A-huh... Yeah, that’s what any dream horse would say,” I countered, narrowing my eyes.

“... Thou knoweth how one cannot feel pain in dreams, correct?”

You know... hindsight’s a bitch. I mean, can you get any more obvious than that? Sadly, what with Brian on vacation, I walked right into it... “Well yeah. You can’t die in a dream, because you wake up before-”

...

I don’t even know what Loony did to me, and I don’t want to know. What I do know, however, is that I woke up with a start, screaming like a little girl. 

As I gasped for breath, I stared at the nice, soothing stone wall in front of me. Nice, simple, plain stone... Not talking horses with horns, wings, or whatever else they had... Just nice, calm-

“Fluffy!”

Oh Dear GOD, no...

I vaguely felt one or more of the fillies crash into me in a death-threatening crush, but I can’t be sure. I know I just woke up from a dream, and I’m back in that other dream, which means that odds are this isn’t a dream, which means... 

~o~O~o~

Sweetie Belle was brushing Fluffy’s tail worriedly, hoping that it was soothing her poor pet. “Come on, Fluffy, it’ll be okay, I promise! Just rest as long as you need. I’ll take care of you...”

Rarity frowned to herself, watching her sister do her best to take care of the unconscious animal that she claimed was her new pet. “She’s mighty taken by that critter, isn’t she,” Applejack remarked, sitting next to Rarity. 

“I never knew she wanted a pet so badly,” Rarity admitted softly, shaking her head. “I suppose I should have known, what with all of the times that she tried to help me with Opal... I don’t know, do you think she’s even old enough for-”

“Course she is,” Applejack said without hesitation. “Look, Rares... You gotta stop sheltering Sweetie so much. Ah know you’re still trying to recover from...” Applejack cleared her throat awkwardly, before continuing. “Ah know you’re worried about a lot right now, but if you’re gonna see if Sweetie can handle responsibility, then a pet is a great start. It’ll help keep her occupied from thinking about her parents, and if she’s determined to take good care of him, then she’ll have someone else ta play with. Nothin like a loyal dog ta help a gal out.”

Rarity, closed her eyes, trying not to think about how her parents were now dead. She might not have agreed with them on many things, and they might have been moderately uncultured, but she still loved them. They did their best to raise she and Sweetie Belle as best as they could, and Rarity recognized that. However, regardless of how careful they said they tried to be on their many vacations, nothing could have warned them that the newest luxury ship, the H.R.M. Titaneigh, would sink.

Rarity noted her sister’s face, betraying nothing but worry and care for the unconscious animal. “... You’re right, as usual, Applejack,” Rarity sighed, smiling sadly at her farmer friend. “And if I didn’t say it before, thanks for being there for us, with the-”

“Don’t mention it, Rares,” Applejack interrupted, smiling. “Ah know... All of you gals are like family ta me. Ah know you an Fluttershy are closer, what with our arguments and all, but if you ever need ta talk...”

“I know, Applejack... Thank you,” Rarity said softly, hiding behind a hoofkerchief for a moment to dab at her eyes. “Though I do have to wonder how Sweetie Belle is faring... I can’t get her to talk about it, no matter-”

“Sugarcube, you... You can’t try to force somethin’ like that. Everypony grieves differently. Some refuse to accept it, others just ignore it, so they don’t hafta confront the pain and loss, and others just lose all hope and cry ‘til they die as well. All you can do is be there for her, and try to help her, but only if she asks for it. She has to accept it on her own. We can lead her to the pond, but we can’t force her to drink, can we?”

Rarity laughed bitterly, the sound dying as it started. “No, I... I suppose not,” Rarity admitted, gazing forlornly at her sister. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t try...”

Everypony jumped as Fluffy jerked upright, his eyes wide and a strangled cry sounding down the hall. Sweetie Belle quickly hugged Fluffy, hoping to calm him down, and started soothing him, stroking his silky mane. Sweetie Belle watched anxiously as one of Fluffy’s eyes twitched several times, his pupils dilated, before he passed out again in a faint with a strangled squeak.

Celestia sighed, messaging her head with a hoof. Oh Lulu, what did you do to this one?







> Chapter the Sixth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luna heaved a sigh of satisfaction. After countless interrogations, she finally had a hint about what to start researching. Of course, it was also very nice to end the interrogation by letting loose some of the anger and frustration that the others had given her. All of the others had either known nothing, were driven insane, or were outright malicious towards her, trying to injure her. In retrospect, however, the last one she visited had at least amused her slightly, as it tried to make light of its situation, and was trying to have fun. And, after some thought, if it was new to the world, how would it know that she was royalty? Luna frowned, trying to remember if she had been wearing her regalia or not, before shrugging her wings. It didn’t matter now. Winter or whoever he was knew now not to disrespect her, and would surely apologize to her when he saw her outside of his dreams, assuming he ever gained that honor, of course.

Still... Pokemon... That was a name she had not heard in a very long time, ever since she was a filly. She knew she knew the word from somewhere, but she couldn’t remember where from. Turning to her bed, she frowned in thought, gazing at the creature laying upon it. It was a cross between a dog and a cat in shape, with white fur covering its body. It has a light blue ring on its forehead, as well as one on each leg. A single band of light blue also went around each elongated ear and tail. According to what he had told her in his dreams, he used to be a pony, but after the spell went awry, he woke up like this, and couldn’t use his magic anymore.

Luna walked over, resting a hoof on his forehead to check his temperature, which had been alarmingly high when she first found him, enough to cook an egg, even through the fur. Luna waited as her hoof slowly warmed, smiling as she noted how long it took. Certain that it would still be some time before he awoke, Luna sighed, leaving her room to find her sister and Twilight. Twilight is a most learned scholar, surely she has heard or read of Pokemon somewhere... Though perchance We should check on our... guests, first.

Nodding to herself, Luna teleported to the castle’s west wing, where the other ‘guests’ were currently being detained. She had, of course, taken the precautions to turn the rooms into comfortable cells, making sure that the furniture would not be able to be destroyed, or the door broken open.

She looked into the first room, where a strange blue, metal-like creature seemed to be using its two arms to wrestle with each other, occasionally breaking off the fight to start hitting itself on the head. Luna winced when she heard a particularly loud clang, but shook it off and kept moving down the hall to the next door. That one is surely mad... Even in its dreams it has two voices, like its mind is broken! There will be no usefulness from that one.

She peeked into the second room, blinking for a second before choking down a startled scream. The large, blue, cat/fish animal with fins for a collar had hanged itself from its bed, using the bedsheets to create a makeshift noose. Luna took a step inside, visibly shaken as she saw the large rudder-like tail hang limply from the creature’s body, which had already faded from a bright blue to a sickly pale shade.

While Luna was the more experienced of the two sisters when it came to the darker side of ponies, things such as suicide were so very rare that it had shaken Luna when she heard about the dozen or so cases that had happened during her millenia away. After all, that was an average of more than one a century! But to have seen one happen practically before her eyes was too much for Luna to take. She staggered into the bathroom provided for their guests, expelling what little she had in her stomach.

Steeling herself, she investigated the third room, only to find it in tatters, the strange green bug-like creature having sliced the room to pieces with its arm-blade things. Luna gaped slightly, charging her magic as she looked around, in case she needed to defend herself. but relaxed when she saw the bipedal creature curled up, sleeping off its exhaustion. Luna’s ears perked when she heard a soft ‘Scy’ escape its mouth as a snore, but then sighed as she realized that it meant nothing.

She backed up, closing the door behind her, trying not to become frustrated at her lack of success. The other rooms were all the same as well. Either fitful sleeping, the room torn up, black, uncaring stares, like they weren’t even sentient, or even killed themselves. Luna had never felt more jaded as she made her way to find her sister, Celestia. We need to find that red, disrespectful one again. He seemed like he knew what was going on. Maybe We’ll get a straight answer from him once he realizes this is no joke.

.o.O.o.

“Introducing the Luscious and Alluring Trixie!”

Everypony turned to the main doors, which opened to reveal a blue unicorn mare, flipping her mane as her purple cape fluttered in the wind. Seconds later, a large, red stallion trotted up next to her, whispering something brief in her ear, causing her to fidget in embarrassment, before huffing. “T-Trixie will introduce herself however she feels best!”

“Eenope.”

Trixie opened and closed her mouth a moment, before sighing. Trixie blushed slightly in embarrassment, but she swore she wouldn’t let it impact her impression on the princess. Trixie took several steps forward, only to find Celestia and the Elements of Harmony all staring at her, as well as Big Mac, the latter of which refused to be embarrassed.

Trixie, on the other hoof, turned beet red as the seven mares all stared at her. Big Mac, pulling a small cart behind him, nudged Trixie’s muzzle with his own, forcing her to start moving. As they started to make their way forward, Applejack tilted her hat down, trying to hide the grin spreading across her face as Twilight inquired, “Big Mac? Trixie? What are you two doing here?”

“Trixie has found an amazing creature, your Highness!” Trixie exclaimed, rearing onto her hind legs as she looked at Princess Celestia. “Trixie has discovered a new species!”

“Nu-uh!” Sweetie Belle protested from behind Rarity, holding onto Fluffy’s tail. “We found him first, you can’t have him!”

“Him?” Trixie questioned, quirking an eyebrow. “What are you talking about? How dare you call this beautiful creature a him! Just look at her!”

Trixie used her magic to take the cloth off the top of the cart, revealing her precious cargo. Curled up into a ball, sleeping serenely, lay a light blue, fox-like creature. She had long, crystalline ears, and two long, flowing, oblong diamond crests falling to both sides of her face, originating from three diamonds attached to her forehead. She was lethe, and her tail was long, ending in three sides, like the tip of a gem.

Sweetie Belle gasped, tugging on her fellow crusaders as they all gaped at the new creature. “W-where did you find her?!”

“Trixie found her near Big Mac’s pond, where she was, um, practicing one of her newest tricks, and-”

Applejack snickered, doing her best to stay quiet, but Rarity was quick to notice, and watched as Big Mac blushed ever so slightly, though it was very difficult to make out under his red coat. What? She managed to land Big Mac?! What does that floozy have that I don’t?!

“That’s it!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, stars appearing in her eyes.

“What is it, little marshmallow?” Trixie asked, flipping her mane. “Jealous that mine is so much more beautiful and elegant than your mutt?”

Trixie’s ears wilted when she heard Big Mac’s snort behind her, telling her that she had gone too far, but it was too late. Applebloom rushed up to Trixie, poking her in her chest as she exclaimed, “Y’all take that back! You’re insulting her special somepony!”

Trixie blinked, before backing her head up a little, trying to understand where Big Mac’s youngest sister was coming from. “Wh... Huh?”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, jumping up. “See? Look at them! She’s just a little bit smaller than he is, and aside from the extra fur, and the different color, and that they’re slightly different, they’re the same! Besides, look at how they’re both kinda restless! Maybe it’s because they miss each other!”

Everypony looked back and forth between the two, noticing how they were both restless. Twilight debated internally for a moment, before Princess Celestia took the blue one in her telekinetic grasp, gently moving her from her place in the cart to Fluffy’s side. They waited on baited breath, before the two unconsciously settled closer together ever so slightly, Fluffy’s tail wrapping itself loosely around the blue one.

The cutie mark crusaders all let loose an “Awwww”, cooing at how adorable the two looked together. Trixie blinked, huffing as she sat down on her haunches and crossed her forelegs. “But... So what, Trixie had Macintosh bring her to Canterlot for nothing?”

“No,” Celestia said with a smile. “It seems that you’ve reunited a family together, firstly. Second, everypony has been ordered to report, and bring in, if possible, any strange animals that they find. We’re trying to figure out what they are, and where they came from, and what their purpose-”

“Auntie, save me!”

The doors to the left burst open, revealing a panicking Blueblood as he ran desperately towards Princess Celestia. He was, at that moment, being chased by a strange creature, apparently running on its hind-legs. It had a round, purple face with long blonde hair, purple hands, and appeared to be wearing a red, trailing dress. It chased after Prince Blueblood with its arms outstretched and its lips puckered, trying to catch and kiss Blueblood.

As he ran closer, he saw Twilight and her friends, and his eyes lit up. “Lady Twilight! Help me!”

Twilight frowned, but she did charge her horn, levitating the creature and wrapping it in a bubble, so it wouldn’t be able able to chase Blueblood anymore. Blueblood heaved a large sigh of relief, bowing slightly to Twilight. “Thank you, Lady Twilight. That... thing has been chasing me all over the castle!”

“And what a horror that must have been,” Rarity scoffed quietly, rolling her eyes.

Twilight, on the other hoof, merely sighed, deadpanning to Blueblood, “Blue, how many times do I have to tell you to just call me Twilight, or Twi?”

Blueblood blinked, then coughed, turning his head to the side as he answered, “One more time, as always, Lady Twilight.”

Celestia sighed, hanging her head for just a moment, disappointed that Blueblood still hadn’t done anything, despite all of her encouraging. Rarity, on the other hoof, had turned back to Prince Blueblood, observing him questioningly. Lady Twilight? How long has he been calling her that? And why has he only ever address me as ‘Miss’?! It’s not like Twili-

Rarity blinked, her brain suddenly running on overdrive, trying furiously to figure out this particular conundrum. Unfortunately, she was disturbed from her thoughts as the doors on the other side of the hall opened with a boom as Princess Luna exclaimed loudly, “Celes! There have been complications!”

As Luna entered, several things happened all at once, thus proving that there were, indeed, complications. Twilight’s magic imploded from the surprise, the strange monster disappearing entirely. Everypony jumped in shock, turning to face Princess Luna as the chandelier shook, threatening to drop as its crystals shook violently.

Lastly, however, was the most important complication, as its ramifications would last many a moon. Fluffy and his ‘special somepony’ woke up at the same time with a start, both of them gasping for breath, saw each other, and then scrambled away, screaming at the top of their lungs. Gummy 2.0 also awoke, jerking around as it tried to see what was going on, its eyes bugging out as it saw many things it knew just weren’t possible.

Luna blinked, then sighed, “Drat. We had hoped that he would have calmed down by now... Oh well. Anypony wish to join Us for some tea?”
















> Chapter the Seventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Systems analyzing, checking for updates...*

*Brian.exe is now up-to-date. Logging in...*

Oh lovely, how nice of you to join me! So... About the whole ‘going crazy’ thing... How do you wanna go about doin’ this shit?

Why do we have to go insane? I rather like these turn of events. What’s not to like?

Oh, well, let’s see here. I have homework due, I’m supposed to be receiving several commissions any day now, Wave doesn’t know what happened to me, mom will kill me if slash once she ever finds me, and even if she didn’t, she’d be allergic to me since I’m a dog... fox... thing. And then-

Oh Blah blah blah! Excuses! You’ve wanted something like this to happen your entire life, and now that something has happened, you’re bitching about it! Come on, brah, what gives?!

I wanted it to be by my choice! I wanted to be consulted if I left, or at least get to choose what Pokemon I was, or what world I landed in, or... I mean, come on! I land in a world of friggin pansy horses?!

Actually, after having thought about it, I don’t think they’re horses. At least, fully-grown horses. The Eeveelution family are only about three feet tall on average, and those horses are only a bit taller than you are, the young ones being smaller than you, so I would have to guess... Miniature horses?

... Okay, yeah, sure, whatever. Point is, I didn’t know my daydreaming was going to land me on a lame planet, okay? I was supposed to land on a planet with magic, or something awesome, not stupid, girly... horses! I mean, come on! Chocobos are way cooler than horses...

It’s not fair! I hate fire! Why couldn’t I have been an Espeon, or a Glaceon?! Those stupid Pokemon personality test things lied to me!

*Le gasp!* You mean that the internet lied to you?! The horror!

But my Pokesona was cool! I was a blue Espeon! I could use Ice instead of Psychic! I-

Was a totally lame Gary Stu original character that didn’t really have many weaknesses or anything to balance him out aside from moments of stupidity and not understanding what the women were saying.

... Fine, kick me when I’m down, what do I care? I suppose you have to get your hits in somehow, so sure, why not... Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find a nice, cold pool of water to go drown myself in. That sounds like fun...

Oh would you quit your bitching already?! Grow up! You don’t always get what you want! You’re almost twenty-two! Start acting like the adult that you claim to be and face these... circumstances, like a man! Stop whining, stop complaining, and start trying to figure out how this happened and if or how we can get back home, do you understand?!

Now, Brian didn’t really scare me, but I knew better than to talk back when he was in his ‘soapbox’ mode. Now, don’t get me wrong. Soapbox Brian can be freaking amazing sometimes. Some of the inspirational speeches he’s given me have brought me from the brinks of suicide and made me want to freaking do stuff!

So yeah... Fun times, fun times... Know what’s not fun? Waking up suddenly. Now, I got lucky. This time, I did not wake up in pain. I mean, before I had really woken up, I had felt a fan being turned on or something, since I felt something cold against me. Okay, I’ll admit, I’m a weirdo. I can’t sleep without a fan being on me. I don’t know if I need the extra wind blowing on me to help me breathe, if I have sleep apnea, if I really get that hot when I sleep, but there you go. I freaking love the cold. I’m the guy who’s wearing, at the very most, a light hoodie when the temperature is in the negative Celsius’. Yeah, I love my cold.

So there I was, resting peacefully, when all of a sudden, something screaming in my ear combined with the floor shaking me woke me. My eyes snapped open as I screamed for just a second, startled, and then noticed that, curled right up next to me, neat as you please, was a Glaceon.

Naturally, my first reaction was to jump back, startled, since it was right friggin next to me! After screaming for a second, I realized that it was screaming too, so I shut up for just a second, panting for breath, and it was then that I realized that the Glaceon was a woman. Now, please keep in mind, I’m not really a cursing man. If I’m really upset, I might throw out damn, or shit, but that’s usually about the extent of my cursing. But dang if that Glaceon hadn’t scared the crap out of me! “What the hell is your problem?!” I yelled, gasping for breath.

“Me?! What’s your problem, pervert?!” the Glaceon shot back, standing very defensively, her tail wrapping around herself. “I finally escape long enough to take a nap, and then you come along and kidnap me so you can take advantage of me?!”

“What?! Why the hell would I-”

“I don’t know! That’s what makes you the pervert, pervert!”

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Everypony watched as the two creatures shot up, screaming as they backed away from each other, stunned as they started yelling at each other. Sweetie Belle fidgeted as she listened to them argue, asking, “Do you think they’re having a fight? Why are they fighting? That’s stupid!”

“Maybe they’re havin’ a, a lovers quarrel?” Applebloom suggested, looking to Scootaloo.

“Sure, makes sense to me,” Scootaloo agreed, nodding.

“Ugh! Why does Fluffy have to be so stupid?! I’ll be right back,” Sweetie groaned to herself, stomping towards Fluffy.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

“That makes me a pervert?! I don’t even know who the hell you are or where you came from!” I protested, yelling. “I went to sleep, and when I woke up, there you were! How does that make me the pervert?!”

“Fluffy, stop being so stupid!”

Oh, joy, the one that claimed me as her ‘pet’ is talking to me. Just what I needed...

“Don’t you know that the mare is always right? Stop yelling at her! You will talk about this with an indoor voice, or I’m going to have to punish you.”

“... You’re a talking, mythological creature. What the hell do you think you can do to me?” I asked Sweaty Belt, quirking an eyebrow. “I’m a friggin Pokemon, and you’re just a kid. You can’t even understand a single word I’m saying, so why don’t you go away, while Creepo McStalker Chick and I keep yelling at each other to figure out what the heck is going on, mkay?”

“I don’t like your tone of voice, mister!” the white unicorn lectured me, frowning as she tapped her tiny hoof. That is what it’s called, right? A hoof? Is the plural of hoof hoofs or hooves? I don’t know! I got sidetracked again! “Now I did not go through all of this trouble to reunite you and your wife just for you two to start-”

“My what?!”

Oh good, the Glaceon is yelling alongside with me. At least I know she’s paying attention. Wait a second... “You mean you put us together?”

Oh good. Sweaty had the sense to look between us, and I could see the doubt starting to form on her face. All this needed was something to wrap this up. I quickly walked closer to the Glaceon, stopping several feet away from her, before turning back to Sweaty.

Super Awesome Fantastical Epic Charades time go!

I pointed to myself first, then pointed to Glaceon, put my paws together as I shook my head sharply, before making a slashing x motion with my forepaws, and then ended it by intertwining my claws together. Bam! Epic! There’s no way she could possibly misinterpret-

“Umm... You two don’t cut your friends?”

… Wow, I think I just set a new world record speed for head impacting the floor. How did she not understand what I-

“Oh! I know! You and she aren’t really together!”

Oh, my, gosh... all of a sudden, my vision was assaulted by pink. Not just, you know, normal pink, this was Bam! in your face pink.

Anyway, while I had my nice, calm, relaxing heart attack while laying on the floor, I absently hear the Glaceon give an affirmative, and assumably nodded as well, as I heard Sweaty’s mother start to lecture her. “Sweetie Belle, what have I told you about-”

Wait, Sweetie Belle? I... suppose that does make a little more sense for her than Sweaty Belt... Whatever.

“But everypony else backed me up when Princess Celestia put her next to Fluffy!” Sweetie Belle protested. I watched as her ears wilted against her head, and her eyes started to water, and I could just feel Brian starting to melt from pity and cuteness.

Hold it together, Brian! Resist the enemy! She’s not so cute that-

B-but just look at how sad and ashamed she looks! She was just trying to help, brah, come on!

But... I... she... I sighed, giving in. Alright, fine... I’ll try to figure out how to help her, whatever... Just stop melting already, I’m gonna need you later!

“And furthermore, you-”

I poked the older unicorn, quirking an eyebrow when she looked at me, before I jerked my head to the side, where Sweetie Belle was... Wait, where was she...

… Crap. Well, I was going to say that she had been crying next to me, but now she decided that my mane would be a lovely place to hide from her mother, and was currently trying to give me a bath using her face.

“Wow, talk about awkward, Bro. You okay?”

Wait, who the hell was that? I turned to the side, and saw a Totodile staring at me, his head tilted to the side. “Umm... You know what, considering that this is the first time I’ve had a female of any kind attached to me, sobbing her heart out... Yeah, I think I’m strangely alright. S’up? What’s your name?”

“Meh, whatever. Some people call me Cerulean, so I guess that works. How about you?”

“Well, my real name is Glenn Winters, but, apparently, my name here is Fluffy. So, considering I can’t really get a worse name than that, you can call me whatever you want.”

“Ey, Fluffy, just like Gabriel Iglasias! Nice!” the Totodile started laughing, rolling on the ground.

I blinked, thinking about that, before I did a double take. “Hey, you’re right! Wow, and here I thought no one knew about the six levels of fat! Nice to meet you!”

I’ll keep this short for those of you who don’t know what the heck we’re talking about. He’s a comedian that’s fairly hefty, and one of his jokes is that there’s six levels of fat. Big, healthy, husky, fluffy, damn, and Aw hell no! So yeah, ah’m fluffy... And that’s alright. Oh good, it seems that Sweetie is starting to calm down now. Maybe that means I’ll be regaining the use of my tail soon, as she had switched from my mane to my tail a couple of minutes ago...

“Princess Celestia, we’ve caught an escapee!”

Oh, look, two more horses wearing armor that looked exactly alike! That’s pretty cool, I suppose. I mean, how often do twins join the army? Wait, they said princess? The big white one was talking with them, so I guess that... Okay, so I’m blind. So what if I didn’t see her crown somehow? So what if that big, scary, navy blue horse from my dream was standing right in front of me, and-

HOLY CRAP IT’S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! IT’S REAL?! OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP! WHAT DO I SAY, WHAT DO I SAY?!

“... I regret nothing.”

Nooooooo! Brian! What the hell?! Are you trying to get us killed?!

The horse stared at me for a moment, before smiling slightly, replying, “Apology accepted...”

Brian, you’ve totally screwed us over an- wait a second... Apology accepted? How did she... Oh wait! She can’t understand us! Yes! Score! Brian, you’re a freaking genius! The tone was perfect!

Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.

Well, there’s the mysteries of the female mind, for starters. How we got here, or why I’m a Flareon. You don’t know what we’re best at, or-

I didn’t mean it literally!

Then why the hell did you say that?! You’re stupid! Now shut up! The big princess pony thing is talking to me again!

“Thou art doing well, if you are not being driven to insanity yet. Dost thou know how you came to be here?”

I looked around awkwardly, before pointing to the now sniffling Sweetie Belle, who was being comforted by her mother, who was apologizing to her daughter, hugging her tight as she levitated a brush to fix her-

Holy crap that brush is levitating! What the hell?! I gaped as I noticed the blue glow around the brush, and then noticed the mother’s horn glowing as well. ... Brian... They can use magic. They, can use magic. Brian, they can use freaking magic...

… Yes, so I’ve noticed... I... Highly suggest we not do anything to piss them off, agreed?

Uh-huh... I’m on it like ugly on an orc...

“That little one brought you to this world?”

Oh. Well, when she puts it that way... I shook my head, shrugging helplessly. Hell if I knew how I got here... Oh, joy, I’m being hugged by Sweetie again...

“I’m sorry I assumed you had a special somepony, Fluffy. I didn’t mean to make you fight with whoever she was. Can you forgive me?”

I sighed, debating my options. Let’s see, do I accept her apology, making the equivalent of a small girl happy? Or do I deny her, thus making her break down into a sobbing, weeping mess, and thus anger her mother and a dark princess that knows only God knows how many forms of torture and pain-infliction? Yeah, hard choice, I know. That decision right there kept me awake many a night, wondering if I made the right choice, or if I could have handled things differently.

What, you think I’m trolling you, or being sarcastic or something? Trust me, you have NO idea how much I wish I was... And you want to know who or what I blame for what I did? Fanfics. That’s right, I blame fanfics, especially the Spyro ones. They lied to me! They were all like, “Yeah, do this, it’s really soothing and relaxing and shows them that you really didn’t mean anything, or that you totally forgive them, or in a few instances is totally romantic and crap.” Well eff you, liars. I hope you all drown in hate mail! I hope you all choke on your stupid ramen noodles!

I suppose you want to know what I decided to do, yeah? Well, I guess there’s no more putting it off. See, the thing about me is, especially in weird scenarios, such as this, I uh, tend to get stupid. Silly. Somewhat ridonculous. You get the picture. Well, I wanted to let Sweetie know I forgave her, right? (Eff you, past me! You’re a friggin moron!)

So I licked her cheek.

First of all, totally gross. I don’t know how cats can bring themselves to clean themselves, because that was just... uuugh. Not one second after I licked her I was turning away from her, gagging as I felt a few hairs on my tongue.

While Sweetie Belle giggled, (so I guess mission success?) her mother was not too pleased with me. Not. At. All.

Now, I know some of you will laugh at me, but I know at least one or two of you will understand when I say: I am scared of my mother. It might be stupid, but if my mom tells me to do something, it’s already halfway done. I like to think my parents did a damn good job on raising me overall, and I hated it whenever they had to punish me. I never got punished often, but when I did... Y-yeah, not going there... Just, in general, I usually have a very healthy respect for those in charge, assuming they’ve earned it at all.

Sweetie Belle’s mother, when she’s angry, is scary... So very, very scary... I mean, I don’t know much about what makes a horse beautiful to another horse, but from what little I had seen, she seemed like she was a fairly sophisticated, cultured horse, if her mane and tail were anything to go by. So to see her go from happy and encouraging to raging was... It gives me chills, and not the good kind, let me tell you!

Now, I’m not going to tell you what she told me, mostly because I feel that, if I have to fully re-live that, I will die. So I’ll just let you use your imagination as to all of the things that she ranted and raged about my decorum, and hygiene, and... Okay, find my happy place, find my happy place!

.o.O.o.






> Chapter the Eighth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sadly, despite what I had told Brian earlier to his advice, I was, apparently, not on it like ugly on an orc...

“I mean, seriously, what the hell?!” the Glaceon was yelling at me, still fuming. “How do you not notice when someone puts another body right next to you?!”

“I was blacked out!” Seriously, what was her problem?! I wasn’t just asleep, I was freaking unconscious! She acts like I should have been aware of everything!

“So?! You still should have known!”

“Yeah, because I know everything! I know how we got here, and why I’m a stupid Flareon!”

Before you ask, no, Sweetie Belle wasn’t around to yell at us. Not that I knew where she was, but I knew where she wasn’t! Yelling at me for yelling at a girl. Well, okay, I shouldn’t say it like that. I mean, I could tell she was at least a teenager, but when Glaceon are already on the small side compared to Flareon, it was hard to tell how old she was. Her voice was light, clearly feminine, if what curves she had weren’t an indication, but dang was she aggressive! I mean, call me racist, but I kinda figured that a Glaceon should be, you know, cold, kinda stand-offish... You know, the original ‘Ice Queen’ kinda thing? Yea-NO. I wanna meet whoever made us what we were, because they messed up big time. If anyone should have been a Flareon, it should have been her. Ironically enough...

“Oh, I know you did not just call Flareon stupid! Flareon are brave, strong, handsome, valiant! You’re just a creepy, self-righteous, rude male!

Now, I’ll admit, name-calling in general? Doesn’t really phase me anymore. After over 16 years of being called insulting, derogatory words, you start to grow somewhat numb to them as the years pass. Not necessarily immune, mind, but certainly weathered. When a complete stranger insults me? Call me crazy, but I just start to laugh. Uproariously. 

What? I mean, come on. A perfect stranger coming along and telling me something about myself that I don’t know? Yeah, that’s about as likely as winning a world-wide lottery. I’ve been me for almost twenty-two years now, so I highly doubt a stranger who’s known me for all of five minutes knows something about me that I don’t.

The conflict came in though, that I have this sort of personal... thing. I don’t laugh at women if I can help it. Call me old-fashioned, call me stupid, whatever. Just don’t call me late to dinner! (Or any of the other five meals of the day, for that matter.) I mean, it’s one thing to laugh at someone online, where you can’t see them, but to laugh at a woman in their face? It just didn’t... feel right, you know?

So anyway, all of that to say, I didn’t laugh at her outrageous claims. I smirked, but I didn’t out and out laugh. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I was consulted on what I wanted to be, alright? Trust me, if I had the choice, I would have chosen an Espeon or a Glaceon, not this furry mutt.”

“How dare you call Flareon, a truly majestic creature, a mutt!” she yelled, butting heads against me. Wow, she was really serious about this, wasn’t she? 

Of course, being the guy that everyone made fun of, I’ve uh, never done well with people being right in my face, right? So, naturally, I backed up, hoping she’d calm down if she felt like she was winning the argument. Of course, since she was butting heads with me so strongly, she uh, kinda fell over onto her face when I backed up...

Yeah, next time I say I’m on it like ugly on an orc, somebody slap me, would you? Because, apparently, I can’t do that worth crap. Either that, or not say I can do something impossible, like making women mad. I mean, geez, what’s her problem?! Oh, right... Me. 

She was pissed, her eyes blazing, and I found myself highly grateful that I had the type advantage if she decided to attack me. “Oh that is it! I have had it with you stupid jocks picking on me and making fun of me! I might have been helpless before, but now I’m going to kick your ass to the moon!”

Shit! Somebody get me out of this!

.o.O.o.

“You found this one doing what?!” Princess Celestia gasped, gaping at the small creature the two unicorn guards were retaining.

“We, that is to say, a nurse found it rooting around in the medical supplies, specifically the plants,” the first guard replied stoically. 

“So you’re telling me that this creature,” Twilight asked, pointing to the strange, small creature before them, “headed straight for the medicine? Is it sick or something?”

The creature was four-legged, had a black tail with a yellow star at the end, and fairly large, mostly blue ears. Its lower half was covered in black fur, and the front half, as well as its head, was covered in cyan fur. With small yellow rings of fur above its front paws, it almost looked like it was wearing jewelry from a distance. Almost. The dazed, spacey gaze of the creature was slightly unsettling, but its smile was certainly genuine. 

Celestia sighed, shaking her head. “No it was not, Twilight. At least, not in the way you’re thinking. I had thought after all these years ponies would have forgotten about the other uses for those plants, but apparently, these creatures still remember the more... recreational uses for them.”

“Oh cool, he found some marijuana?! Woohoo!” Pinkie Pie clapped, picking up the creature and tossing it into the air. “Come on, buddy, you know the rules! Either you bring enough for everypony to share, or you don’t bring any at all! That’s just being a Rudy McSelfish Pants! Now come on, tell Aunt Pinkie where you found it!”

Celestia’s eye twitched for just a second, before she face-hooved. Somehow... that just makes so much sense now... Drugs are the key to her Pinkie Sense. How I never saw that sooner, I don’t know...

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

The Shinx blinked, grinning as he was held up by a pink pony. Woah, I knew that was some good stuff, but I didn’t realize it was that good! I should go back and get some more later, if I can’t find my house.

“Hey, uh, listen, bro, you wouldn’t happen to have stashed an extra one, would you?”

The Shinx opened his eyes to see a Totodile next to him on the floor, looking up. “Like, of course, man. Always be prepared, you know?”

“Awesome, thanks!” the Totodile beamed, accepting the smoke. He blinked, then started looking around, sheepish. “Wait a sec... Um, dude, you got a light? I don’t...”

“Of course, man. The light is, like, all around us. You just have to look carefully, and then you’ll be like, ‘Woah, this was here the whole time?’ And then the light will be like, ‘Yeah, man, I was just waiting for you to notice me...’ “

The Totodile blinked, before murmuring, “Woah... That’s deep... But seriously, I need a light. Kind of hard to smoke without lighting it first.”

The Shinx looked back and forth calmly, before his eyes widened. “Like, bro, there’s a sun right there... That should be hot enough to lite it...”

All of a sudden, the pink pony snatched the smoke from the alligator, and poked the edge of it against the tall, winged, horned white one’s flank. 

The tip of the roll immediately started to smoke, so the pink pony handed it back to the eager alligator. “There you go, Gummy 2.0!”

The two Pokemon stared at the now-lit drug, stunned for different reasons. When the room flashed, however, the smoke laying on the floor was the least of anyone’s worries.

.o.O.o.

Everyone in the throne room looked at the throne, which was glowing brightly. When the light dissipated, there was a glowing, purple cat sitting on the throne, a two-pronged tail wrapped around her front legs. A bright, shining red jewel rested upon her forehead, her eyes a bright, glowing teal. I’m impressed... I thought for sure that every Pokemon would have gone mad by now... Perhaps something can be done after all.

“Who are you, and how can we understand you and not the others?” Princess Celestia asked quickly, giving the new creature her full attention, preparing herself to shield her beloved ponies should the creature decide to attack.

“Indeed, and why art thou seated upon our throne?” Luna asked sharply, preparing to attack at the first sign of provocation.

My name, Princess Luna, is Garnet, and I’m here to give a warning to you. To all of you, she added, gazing at the rest of the room, allowing her gaze to linger on the Flareon and Glaceon. Someone has dared to perform the forgotten ritual, but the sacrifices offered were, shall we say, damaged... Instead of opening the link back to the Pokemon world, a link was opened to another world, where the beings of that world were then brought over, and turned into Pokemon.

“Wait, okay, okay, wait just a second, that- there’s too many questions!” Twilight exclaimed, clutching her head. “What do you mean, they’re another species? What are Pokemon? How-”

Are you going to keep interrupting me, youngling? I came to explain things out of my own amusement, but if you wish to bring about your own doom, then by all means, keep speaking. It would amuse me greatly to see you try to figure this all out on your own, since you just rendered the only other Psychic Pokemon on this planet incapable of communicating directly with you. 

The cat looked back and forth for a moment, before continuing, satisfied with the respectful silence. Very well. as I was-

The room flashed again, three more creatures appearing from nowhere to land on the ground, unconscious. Enough!

Garnet’s eyes glowed brightly, as did her jewel, as she channeled her psychic powers. There! The rift has been closed! No more humans will be showing up! None! Of course, there’s more problems on the way, but that’s some time away...

Garnet started to shimmer, causing her to gasp, before grinning. Well, my time draws short, but I would hardly be a good oracle without giving some direction to your quest... Seek out the winged lighting, and she will guide your path. Beware the heat, for that day will determine the future... With that, good luck, and happy training, Garnet giggled, grinning cheekily as she disappeared. Friendship may be magic, but fighting is far from tragic! Good luck trying to understand each other!

“... So, does anyone want to address the Latias, Mew, and Tailow that just appeared out of nowhere, or do we want to keep ignoring them?” Fluffy asked, looking around.

As Rarity deposited a sleeping Sweetie Belle next to him, Fluffy sighed, deadpanning, “Oh joy. Super special awesome Pokemon pony babysitters, yay!”









> Chapter the Ninth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so I only got two of the three Pokemon right. From a guy who doesn’t have his glasses, I’m still doing pretty darn well, thank you very much! So how was I supposed to know that an Eevee had a pink coat, for some reason? I don’t know! I mean, shiny Eevees have light blue coats, right? And normal have brown, so... What is it? Like some sort of albino Eevee?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, playing babysitter to Sweetie Belle, if that’s her name, for her mother. Why the heck her mother even trusted me, I don’t know, but I wasn’t about to do something stupid like trying to make them not like me. Not that I know how to get them to trust me completely,  since I can’t really talk to them, but hey, whatever, right? Gotta stay positive! You know the whole glass is half-empty, half-full thing? Well, I’m the kind of guy that says, “Hey! I ordered a pizza!” and then in my boredom, notices that, “Hey, this container is over-designed for its purpose! What’s up with that?”

The Latias, Tailow, and Eevee were all taken away for... whatever reason. I guess because they’re not conscious, they can’t give their word that they won’t do anything stupid. So here I am, laying down, babysitting a baby horse. I suppose I was lucky to an extent, though, because the Glaceon seemed to have taken a shine to Sweetie Belle, and wasn’t going to keep yelling at me while she slept right next to me. Thank God for small favours!

Hmm... I guess I should ask for her name. If only so I know who’s insulting me, and in case I can come up with a clever retort or something. “So... While things are somewhat calm, hi. I’m Glenn Winters, but the horses seem intent on calling me-”

“You can’t even tell the difference between a pony and a horse? Just how stupid are you?” 

Now, if you haven’t noticed by now, I am not a clever man. Er, Flareon. A clever man would know not to antagonize a woman with sharp claws. While in most cases that’s used metaphorically, sadly, in this instance, she did have claws. “Stupid enough to think that you’d have manners enough not to interrupt me and insult me,” I answered, snorting dismissively.

I blinked as several red lines appeared on my face as the Glaceon stormed off. It took a couple seconds for the pain to register, but when it did... I whimpered like a little girl. I mean, normally, I would have rushed off to get some water, perhaps cursed a bit, since it’s scientifically proven to help distract your mind from pain, but see, I couldn’t do those things. Why? Because somepony had to be a lazy butt and leave her sleeping daughter in the care of a complete stranger of another species! I mean, seriously what’s their problem?! How do they get off just dumping kids on me, and trusting me not to do something?

I winced when I felt something on my face, a cloth obscuring my vision. Brian, we’re under attack! Battle Stations! What do you suggest?!

Well, considering you’re already in pain, and you’re likely to ignore anything I actually suggest, let’s go with laying there, being frozen.

But I’m already doing that! Why is that the plan?!

Because that’s all you’re going to do! May as well make that the plan, then, right? At least that way the plan will be a success!

Gee, thanks, Brian, you’re an inspiration to us all, I replied snarkily, praying that the chloroform would at least knock me out painlessly.

“There there, it’s alright, don’t be afraid,” a soft voice cooed to me. “I’m just going to clean those cuts up nice and slowly to make sure they don’t get infected, okay? I’m not going to hurt you...”

An angel... Why the heck would I be afraid of someone with the voice of one sent from God? Of course, I couldn’t see them, but the nice, cold washcloth was the best thing I had felt in quite awhile. As it rubbed my face gently, I practically melted to the ground, relishing the feeling. I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who love winter. (And no, not because it’s my name. I’m not that vain or anything.) I mean, not that I hate the summer, but there’s only so many layers you can take off, you know? And when you’re not that physical of a person... yeah. It’s not pretty.

I gave a small start when the voice giggled, “You can purr? You’re a strange little puppy, aren’t you?”

I can purr?! Hell yeah! Take that, Flareon! You might be a stupid dog, but at least you can purr! Of course, between the wet cloth, and the coldness of it, I was starting to doze off a tad, but I felt enough energy to raise my head enough to give whoever it was that had the washcloth a small nuzzle.

She giggled again! Her laughter was so light, so happy, so pure, that I summoned my energy enough to see who had tended to me. It was... that yellow pegasus from before? Wow. I should have known she’d be the healer of the party, since she had pink hair. Wait a sec... Is that racist? Judging someone based on their hair color in an anime or video game? I mean, I know that everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes, depending on the situation, but still. 

I opened my mouth to say thanks, but was interrupted prematurely by Sweetie’s mother. “You’re going to sleep too? Oh no, this won’t do at all!”

I yawned widely, before giving her a teary deadpan. Unless my memory is that bad, I haven’t gotten an honest minute of sleep yep on this bloody world, and here she was, interrupting my chance on getting some real sleep! Come on! Just how cruel is she?!

“Princess Celestia? Would you mind terribly if Fluffy and Sweetie Belle could have a room to sleep in, as well as the other fillies? I’m afraid it’s getting rather late, and I’m sure that the stone floor isn’t that comfortable, nor healthy.”

Okay, so maybe she’s not cruel, what do I know? Let’s see,  so the tall, white one’s name is Celestia? Okay, she has a huge sun tattoo on her butt. Okay, I think I’m starting to get it. The other one was dark, had a moon for a butt tattoo, and was named Luna, so I guess their names and their butt tattoos reflect each other? But then why didn’t the kids have butt tattoos? Was it like a coming of age ceremony thing that they did, like a Bar Mitzvah? 

“I don’t know, Rarity... Are you certain you wish to trust... Fluffy, you said, with your sister and her friends? You heard what Garnet said about them being an intelligent, sentient species, right?”

Freaking finally! You hear that, Brian! She actually sounds like she’s treating us with a little bit of respect! Or, well... Okay, fine, she doesn’t trust us, but still! At least we aren’t being treated like a dumb animal!

... You totally missed the whole ‘Sweetie Belle is the sister of Rarity, and not her daughter’ thing, didn’t you?

... Brian? Shut up, and let me revel in my victory, okay? Just five minutes, is that too much to ask?

“Of course! After all, such a lovely, magnificent creature would not be stupid enough to do anything to Sweetie Belle, knowing she’s my sister, right?”

I’m going to die. My mind is going to shatter, and then I’m going to die. Brian, she is going to rip my soul to pieces, and then I’m going to die!

I’m still not sure how I managed to squeak out an answer, but eventually I found my voice and said, “N-no Ma’am.” 

Of course, they didn’t understand the words I said, but I’m pretty sure they’d at least be able to make out the squeak as one of understanding and fear, and not one of... whatever would make her want to hurt me. What? I’m allowed to be a wimp sometimes! My threshold for pain is virtually nonexistent, I’ve been made fun of my whole life just for having stupid glasses, and I pass out when they have to draw blood. ‘Nuff said?

“And you swear not to knowingly, either by intent or lack of action, cause my sister or her friends to come to harm so long as you’re near them?”

I nodded faster than a bobble-head in a 9.3 magnitude earthquake. Heck, I nearly sprained a few muscles nodding my head fast enough.

“There, see? He’s a perfect gentlecolt! I’m certain he’ll even take a bath before he-”

Bath?! Hell yes! Are you kidding me?! Bitch, either you teleport me to that bath right this frelling second, or you get me there as fast as possible, because I-

“Oh-ho, so you are cultured! I knew someone with a mane as luxurious as yours would appreciate the finer things in life! Now, if you don’t mind, Princess, could you show us the way?”

… I shall ignore the veiled insult, Sweetie Belle’s sister, since you lead me to the wonderful thing known as a bath. I mean, look, I’m not a girly guy, but I hate being filthy. I don’t care if I’m dirty because I’m working hard, but I’m also a bit of a germaphobe, so I kind of hate to stay dirty, you know? And if there’s anything I hate being dirty, it’s my hair. See, I have that horrible, really thin, fine type of hair. It sucks. The tiniest gust of wind will mess it up, and the second it gets dirty, or oily, or anything, you can feel it. I’ve sometimes gone for days without a shower when no one else was home, and I didn’t have to go anywhere myself, but I was at least washing my hair every day. I can’t even exercise in the morning before I wash my hair, because it feels so wierd, and itchy from being dirty.

So why am I bothered by it so much? Because my entire freaking body is now covered in fur, which is, you guessed it, hair. So I’m sure you can imagine just how uncomfortable I was beginning to get.

Celestia turned away to look at Luna for a second, and I guess asked each other something telepathically or something, because I never heard a word. Luna nodded after a moment, and then-

“Holy crap!”

Sorry, I get startled easily, and when you’re suddenly floating, I’d like to think that just about everyone would start, if just for a second. I was wrapped in a light blue... I don’t know, aura? Sure, let’s go with that. I was wrapped in a light blue aura, and I was freaking floating! I mean, how cool is that?! Granted, it would have been cooler if I could, you know, actually control where I was going or anything, but hey, I’ll take flying any time I can get it!

“Oh, sorry Fluffy, I suppose I should have warned you.”

You think?!

“This doesn’t hurt you, do it?” she asked with concern, noticing that I was wincing slightly.

Faking a grin, I shook my head, but went back to wincing when she turned her back. Ow... Okay, I take it back. I will not take flying any time I can get it... How the heck did a unicorn learn Psychic?! I guess that means that all unicorns are a Psychic Type? That makes... sense, I suppose. And, granted, the attack wasn’t hurting me that much, but it uncomfortable enough that it was like... Like a light pinch, all over my body. I can only imagine how much that move would hurt if she threw me against a wall, or dropped me down a few stories, or... Okay, note to self: see a Psychic Pokemon, kill that bastard before it kills me!

That might be a little bit... extravagant, sure, but better safe than sorry, right? If this unicorn was hurting me without meaning to, I did not want to stick around to see what a real Psychic type Pokemon could do to me if it wanted to injure me!

In order to help distract myself from the pain, I did my best to memorize the directions we took to get to the baths, but there were so many turns, stairs and hallways that I felt like I was in that one monk joke. Heh, that monk joke... Remind me to tell you that one later. It’s really long, but it’s got a doozy of a punch-line.

Luckily, the pain was enough to keep me from falling back asleep, and by the time we reached Celestia’s room, I was wide awake. Tired, and not thinking quite as clearly, but I was awake.

Eventually I was set down on the most plush carpet I have ever felt in my life. If it weren’t for the large bathroom that I could clearly see in the next room, I would have laid down and fallen asleep in an instant. You know, it really is amazing how good you feel once a steady pain is gone. You start to wonder if your thoughts were always so coherent, and your body so responsive.

Anyway, I was set down because the fillies needed to be bathed first. I refrained from complaining, knowing that they were just kids, so they needed their sleep more than I did. Still, if they were taking their bath now, a short nap couldn’t hurt anything, right?

I am getting so sick and tired of being wrong...







> Chapter the Tenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Stupid, arrogant, perverted... I cannot believe him! Trying to act all innocent and... Ugh!”

To say I was mad would be an understatement, okay? I was pissed. Ticked off. I was red-hot, cinnamon-flavoured angry, that’s what I was! I mean, it’s bad enough that I’m on the... svelte side, but seriously?! Of all the Pokemon I had to turn into, I had to turn into this stupid ice rat?! It’s not fair!

What’s that? You don’t know who I am? Why the hell should I give a damn if you know who I am or not?! … Know what, fine. If only because you lot are better to talk to than that-

My name is Jessica Flamebrant, but if you call me anything other than Jessie, I’ll roundhouse your butts to the moon! Yes, I know that this stupid rat isn’t a fighting type. Does it look like I give a crap?! I’ll find a way to make it happen, mark my words!

Anyway, I’m twenty, five-foot seven, and yeah, I’m a redhead. Wanna make something of it? I didn’t think so! I’m a third dan in Taekwon-do, so don’t mess with me! Interests? Well, aside from the obvious, I love camping, hunting, volleyball... Yeah, pretty much anything physical I can do! I might only weigh 130 pounds, but that’s all muscle! Of course, it’s wasted on stupid college. My dad wants me to become an engineer, but I don’t know. Calculus sucks. It requires too much thought. I mean, at least music makes sense! 

Oh, right, forgot that part. I’m also pretty good at the French Horn. Not amazing, mind you, but I’m more competent than a lot of other people are! I mean, not that I want to go into performing for a major, or composing, per se, but... I don’t know, music just makes a lot more sense than this stupid major does! Ugh...

Oh well. At least my campus is far away from home. My dad won’t notice I’m gone for a few weeks, if I’m lucky. I don’t have a room mate, so no worries there, either. Sure, it was more expensive, but I was there on a scholarship anyway, so what does it matter? I didn’t want to have to worry about getting a slut for a room mate, or a lesbian or something. I mean, you want to do that, fine, whatever, I don’t give a damn! Just don’t be all open about it and trying to shove it in my face and tell me that I have to accept you! I don’t have to do a single damn thing! If I want to think negatively of you for something, I’m allowed to! You can’t control what I think! 

Sorry, shouldn’t be talking politics or religion, and, somehow, it counts as both. 

Whatever.

Okay, fine. Sorry. Can we get back to me now? Great, thanks. You’re a real peach.

“Hey, where are you going?”

Oh come on! What now?! I turned around, glaring impatiently at the pale blue pony that was chasing after me, who was followed by that large, red one. Let’s see, horn on the blue one, nothing on the red one, but he was really big, so I guess what he lacks in magic or whatever these ponies have he makes up for in muscle. Joy. Another jock. I just left a Pokemon one, I didn’t need some pony one trying anything or making fun of me or anything!

Of course, they can’t understand me, so why dignify them with a response? They’re the ones that dragged me here, from what I understand, so why should I trust them? Oh great, she caught up to me. What does she want? I swear, if it’s anything prissy, I’m going to-

“Trixie was wondering if that the purple one said was true. You’re from another world?”

… What... the hell. Is... does she speak in the third person? Well, that tells me a lot about her already. Do I like her? I don’t think I do. The red one? All he has to do is open his mouth to know that.

Oh, they’re waiting for me to answer. Ho hum... Well, not like I have anything better to do, right? Aside from learning some moves so I can defend myself, of course. Bored, I decided to humor them, nodding.

Ha! What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue? Don’t know what to say now? Yeah, didn’t think so!

“Trix-” the blue mare paused as the red stallion cleared his throat quietly. Oh, I see, so they’re together. Okay. Twilight zone? You ain’t got nothin’ on this shit.

“... Fine. We were wondering if you’d like to stay with us while Princess Celestia and Luna try to figure out where you came from, and how to get back home. Trixie noticed that you did not care for that mutt’s company, and figured that you would like some distance, right Big Mac?”

Big Mac? Big is a part of his name? Wow... Okay, no comment. Alright big guy, let’s see what kind of pony you are. You’re probably-

“Eeyup.”

I blinked, surprised at the shortness of the answer. I mean... I kind of expected him to say something like ‘Whatever’, or ‘It was your idea’, or even just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘sure’. Eeyup? What the hell does that even... 

Wow... His eyes are really green... Know what, screw it. Why not? They want to pamper me? Like I’m really going to say no! How else am I going to get food on this stupid world? If I can’t talk, I can’t work. Simple. May as well find out how this stupid world works...

.o.O.o.

I suppose I should have known better. I mean, what moron takes a nap when there’s three kids in the next room getting a bath? Yeah, I don’t know. Just because I’m smart intellectually doesn’t mean I’m smart in the common sense area. Those are two different kinds of intelligence, sadly. 

If you haven’t guessed by now, my nap did not last for very long. I had spent too much time wondering if it was safe to take a nap, and getting comfortable for said nap, that by the time I was almost asleep...

“Cutie Mark Crusader Spa Workers! Yay!”

Huh? What do you know? I do have claws, and... wow, amazing! Apparently, they’re also strong enough to keep me attached to the ceiling upside-down as well! Imagine that!

I can!

I wasn’t freaking talking to you, Brian! Shut up!

Hmm... Nah. See, it’s fun to bug you when you’re all flustered or embarrassed, or in situations like this. You make my life entertaining!

You’re not supposed to be entertained; you’re my brain! You’re supposed to just sit there and do all of my thinking for me and crap, not give me attitude!

Aww, come on, brah, can’t you just-

No! I am not talking to you! You should have been wide awake and telling me that their stupid bath was over! How do you not hear water no longer running, and three fillies talking excitedly?! Seriously, what the hell, Brian! You dropped the ball!

But it was a bouncy ball! It’s supposed to be dropped!

… Huh. Well damn! That’s a pretty convincing argument, considering that bouncy balls are supposed to be dropped, or thrown, or-

No! You still don’t drop, or throw, or play with any kinds of balls when you’re in a glass house, Brian! Napping and sleeping are glass houses! Don’t go throwing bouncy balls in glass houses!

But it gets so hot and boring in glasshouses!

Hmm... another excellent point. Glasshouses are just full of plants, and while some might be nice to smell, it usually stinks in them, and the humidity... don’t even get me started on the humidity!

Oh, right, I should get back to reality. Where was I? Right, hanging onto the ceiling with my claws for my life, having lost my initiative and observation rolls. Well... crap! How am I supposed to get down? The floor is stone, and like ten feet below me! If I’m a cat, then I can survive the fall. If I’m a dog, then... Well, I don’t know then. Guess it’s time to find out.

Now, you know that myth about how cats always land on their feet? It’s true. At least, as long as they have at least a foot or two to work with. I mean, if you drop them on their back from one inch off the ground, that doesn’t really count, you know? Anyway, I was lucky. See, I’ve owned a cat ever since I was born. And Patches, God rest her soul... Wait, animals don’t have souls... That’s what makes Humans different from all of the animals... Huh... Umm... Anyway...

Patches was technically my older brother’s cat, but since I’m the one that actually took the most care of her, pampered her, brushed her, she was really my cat. Anyway, when I was young, I read a lot of books about cats. Not that I understood half of what I read, but when it also gave pictures, it was really hard to misunderstand what they were saying. A cat always lands on its feet by rotating its head, then it’s shoulders, and the rest of its body follows. They arch their back as they land, which softens the impact, somehow. I don’t know, I’m not an architecture major. I’m sure they could explain that part better than I could. 

“Fluffy? What’cha doin up there? Git down here, we’re gonna give ya a bath and earn our cutie marks!”

I’m up here because it’s safer up here! I looked down at them, grateful that they were in ‘front’ of me, since my tail was hanging down due to gravity, and I wasn’t sure if... Oh crap... Where’d the mother, er, sister, go to?

I stiffened like a board when I saw her walking underneath me, her eyes resolutely staring straight forward. WELL... Brian? Advice?

… Nothing. Great, he’s frozen just like I am. Well... Awkward much? I dropped to the floor like a rock, doing my best to emulate a cat, making my head as ‘normal’ as possible before the drop, and then trying to shift the rest of my body to follow. It mostly worked, but I didn’t arc my back or something, because that still hurt just a little. Not like I was afraid of a fracture or something, but just enough to make my muscles hurt a little.

I turned tried my best not to blush as I tucked my tail as close as I could to myself without looking self-conscious. Naturally, I failed that roll as well. Remind me not to play any tabletop games while I’m in this world, because I’ve got a record for sucking.

I stood there shuffling my paws awkwardly for awhile, looking from one innocent face to the next, ignoring... Rarity her name was? Yeah, I wasn’t going to look at her. If I looked at her, I might find out if she looked, and I don’t even want to know!

I rushed past them all, ignoring their startled cries as I made it to the bathroom, spinning around to close the door. I’m sure you can all guess what happened knowing my luck.

What, hitting myself in the face with a door? Nice try. If only I could have been so lucky... There was no friggin door! At all! I mean, what the hell?! Wait a second... Princess’ room... Okay, nevermind. I suppose I should have expected that. I mean, who’s going to burst into the Princess’ room to see her taking a bath or... you know. Yeah, nopony. So why would she need a door to separate the two rooms? I don’t know... Wishful thinking?

So yeah, let’s see... I’m staring at three fillies who are rushing up to me, all of whom are confused and or concerned. They couldn’t figure out why someone would rush past them just to turn around and look at a wall. Sounds pretty crazy, right?

“Hey, why aren’t you getting into the water?” the orange one asked, fluttering her wings.

“Maybe it’s too cold for him,” the yellow one suggested, testing the water with a hoof. 

Crap, I really need to start remembering names better if I’m going to be stuck here for any length of time. I can remember Sweetie Belle because... Well, because Sweetie Belle! 

“I know!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. 

Hnngggg... That squeaking is going to kill me one of these days, I just know it. I’m already hovering on pre-diabetic, but she’s going to rocket launch me to type three if she keeps it up!

“He breathes fire, right? What if he hates the water? He’d be scared of drowning in a bath of water!”

… Wow, okay, I’m actually, honestly surprised! She couldn’t have been more than eight or nine, but she was able to figure that out that quickly? Maybe these horses or ponies or whatever are pretty smart!

The three of them huddled up together, whispering as they tried to, I’m sure, figure out a solution to this conundrum. I glanced to Rarity, who quirked an eyebrow questioningly. Right, can’t talk. Dang that sucks. I looked around the room some more, and noticed the bath was still full, and had quite a few bubbles left. I chuckled at the thought of the fillies making beards out of them, and hiding beneath them to try to surprise attack the others with a spla-

Oh no, don’t you even think about-

Cutie Mark Cavalier Bubble Ninja! Yay!

Oh Dear God... When are you going to grow up?!

I pawed over to the bath stealthily, my pads making no sound on the stone. Hey, being a cat dog thing is awesome! People were always shocked back home when I would ‘appear out of nowhere’ next to or behind them, and asked how I snuck up on them. I mean, I never even really tried to sneak up on them either, you know? When you’re a big guy, you learn how to move slowly and quietly so you don’t scare everyone, and now that I was actually stealthy... Okay, screw it, being a Pokemon, able to talk or not, this was going to be fun.

No one ever grows up, Brian, I retorted as I eased myself into the hot water, trying not to make a sound and thus alert the fillies as to what I was doing. People just learn how to act in public!

Nearly set! All I had to do was make sure that Rarity wouldn’t disrupt my plan... Using my best puppy eyes, I placed my two forepaws together pleadingly, before holding one paw to my mouth as a request for quiet.

“Girls?” she asked, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Crap! I knew I couldn’t trust her! Dammit Brian! Why didn’t you warn me sooner?!

I sunk into the water as much as I dared, using the bubbles to hide my body as she continued to talk. “Where did Fluffy go? Weren’t you keeping an eye on him?”

Wait... She’s helping me? Why would she do that? Unless... Wait, why did the fillies have only a few splotches of wet on them unless... Of course! That’s why not much time had passed! They were only getting the bath ready, and she couldn’t get all three into the bath, so she’s going to... Oh you clever girl...

“What if he fell into the bathtub?!” She gasped dramatically.

The crusaders all rushed towards the bath, where I lurked eagerly. They still needed to take their bath? Okay! Then she can’t get upset that I’m getting them all wet again, and once they’re already wet, they won’t have a reason not to take a bath, since there’s going to be a splash war!

… Or I could be over-analyzing everything, like usual. I swear, I can take the most simple of things and make them so complex it’s stupid and silly. Oh well. I haven’t had a good bubble bath in years... 

What?! Don’t judge me! Bubble baths are great for relaxing and reading a book! You know how hard it is to find a bath where a six foot five inch guy can comfortably lay down, or sprawl out, or anything? Really damn hard, that’s what!

With a surge as the fillies neared, I jumped out, bringing with me several gallons of water at the very least, maybe even a dozen as I ‘roared’ at the fillies, causing them to squeal. I landed, totally soaked, right behind them. As they turned to face me with varying degrees of shock and anger, I grinned evilly as I heard Rarity approach right behind me. Water ninja!

I shook myself vigorously, showing all four of them in water before bouncing off, getting a head-start for the inevitable chase. What, you think you can catch me, fillies? Think again! I’ve got years of experience on my side! 

We ran all around that room a dozen times easily, jumping from shelf to cabinet with abandon, though I did my best to avoid the ones holding bottles and other items that could get ruined. 

Oh good, they’re panting heavily now, as am I. If they’re as tired as I am, then they should go right to sleep after the bath! Now, how to get them... Aha!

I waited patiently, sitting on the edge of the bath, waiting for them all to tackle me. They were getting better, mind you. They were starting to use teamwork, but this time, as they came at me, I braced myself, taking a huge breath and doing my best to hold it as the three of them flew into me... and straight into the bath.

Check, and, mate.

After I resurfaced, I shook my head only a little so that I could see, only to stare into a pair of angry, icy-blue eyes. Oh, right... I forgot I had splashed Rarity too, when I shook myself. I thought she could take a joke, but uh... I’m guessing that no one messed with her mane.

As she loomed over me, I could only think of one plan, and with Brian still on shut-down, there was no way of knowing if this was a stupid idea, or a very stupid idea...

Taking all bets!

.o.O.o.












> Chapter the Eleventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think, think, think! I needed something with shock and awe value! Something awesome, inspired... What would catch her totally off-guard right now? Oh... Oh there’s an idea... It might be a horrible idea, but a horrible idea is better than no idea, right? She loomed over me. I could practically see the storm in her eyes as she opened her mouth. 

Grinning impishly, I decided to go for broke. I was already in trouble for getting her wet, so I may as well go the whole nine yards, right? I darted forward, giving the tip of her muzzle a light peck. She froze. Mission Status: Complete!

The other three fillies all gaped at me, of course. I shouldn’t say ‘of course’, sorry. They might have thought it was cute or romantic or something, so I should be glad they were shocked. Wrapping my forelegs around her neck, I strained back, dragging her into the bath as well.

What? I’m a full grown adult, okay? I don’t need someone else washing me! So if they’re going to try to wash me, then I’ll try to wash them and see how they like it!

The fillies squealed and laughed as Rarity let loose a strangled cry which was quickly cut off by her impact into the bath. She came back up, gasping for breath, startled. She stared at me incredulously, and I knew, somehow, that my plan had worked. 

See, when someone is really, really angry, there’s only a few ways for them to lose that anger. One way is to vent, and I wasn’t about to let her do that. I like living quite a bit, thank you very much! That, and if she took the pet thing seriously, who knows if she would try to, er... ‘fix’ me or not. 

The second way, and much harder way, incidentally, is to simply shock and awe them. Come from so far beyond left field that they never see it coming, leaving them gaping and trying to comprehend what just happened. That is what I managed to do with Rarity.

While she stared at me, trying to figure out what just happened, I brushed my tail under her muzzle, sauntering over to the shampoo, and started to wash my fur calmly, relishing the feeling of fur covering most of my body. I mean, I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but I did spend a lot of time brushing and petting my cat, Patches, when she was alive. There was just something calming about stroking fur, and hearing her purr. 

I guess... It helped me forget about school, where almost everyone made fun of me. I won’t give you the sob story, don’t worry, but it... It always made me feel better, I guess, because I was making Patches feel better. I could close my eyes and drift away to other worlds, and my imagination would set me free.

I had barely finished soaping myself up when I was hit by a giant tidal wave, throwing me beneath the surface of the water, and making me lose my footing.

Alright, time to get real with you guys. You see, I... hate water. Like really, really hate water. A small pool is fine, normally, because I’m over six feet tall, and even the large, inflatable ones only to up to like five foot something, so I was never in danger of drowning then. But... I’ve nearly drowned before. Not once, twice.

The first time... I think I was about, oh, five or six? We were at some hotel, that’s about all I remember. We were in the pool, which was fairly large, but when you’re a small kid, everything seems large, you know?

Well, my mom and dad were in the deep end, of course, talking with some of their friends. The only name I remember is Patrick, for some reason, but I digress. So I was walking along the very edge of the pool in the water. You know, that tiny ledge in the pool a few feet deep? Yeah, so I was making my way along that because it was fun, you know? I wanted to get to the other end because that’s where my mom and dad were.

I’m sure you all figured out what happened. I slipped, I panicked, I nearly drown. I was blacked out for some time, but I don’t know how long, or how close I actually was to dying.

But still, when you’re a kid, everything seems so much more... more, you know? The second time was just a couple years later, when my parents paid for swimming lessons, in the hope it would help me overcome my fear of water.

tl;dr, no, it didn’t, though I wasn’t more traumatized. I mean, I wasn’t more afraid of water. Just the same old afraid. So aside from wasting money on lessons that taught me nothing, I didn’t really lose anything, so... 

Needless to say, finding myself underwater and on my side, I panicked. I couldn’t stand up, because my body was different, and how I would get up normally as a human was different as a Pokemon, so panicking...

I... cannot tell you in mere words what I felt, or what I was thinking. Nothing I can say will do justice to that situation...

I don’t know how, when, or why, but I shot straight up out of the bath, high enough for me to expel most of the water from my lungs, before landing in the bath again, sending a large tidal wave over the others. 

I didn’t care.

I didn’t land correctly in the water, but I had gotten enough of my mind back that when I sank to my side, I was able to turn myself right-way up, and then stand back up, gasping for air the split second I surfaced, coughing and wheezing my lungs out as my limbs shook from all of the adrenaline surging through my system.

Again... I nearly drowned... Again. I nearly drowned again in a freaking bathtub. Can my life get any more pathetic?

Yes, yes it can. I don’t know when, but at some point, I had stopped leaning against the side of the bath to cling to Rarity, sobbing like crazy as she tried to comfort me. I can only assume that she was also blocking me from view of the fillies, because they weren’t trying to help me either.

Eventually I settled back down, but I was mostly too exhausted to really notice what the fillies were doing. I had already washed myself as best as I could, so I took a few steps away from the bath, and tried to figure out how to use a fire move, any fire move, so that I could dry off.

Of course, I didn’t count on being swarmed by three over-eager fillies, all of whom were still trying to earn spa cutie marks or something. I guess those are what the tattoos on their butts are?

Anyway, the three of them eagerly scrubbed me down with large, fluffy towels, trying to dry all of me, but I stopped them before they... you know.

I shakily took one of the towels from them, finishing the job once Rarity ushered the others outside, granting me a little bit of privacy. It only took a few seconds to dry myself, before I slowly, tiredly made my way out of the bathroom. I padded into the bedroom, watching as the three fillies fought half-heartedly over who slept where on the abnormally large bed.

Whatever. Today has been... I don’t even know. I just want to lay down and go to sleep. I don’t even care if this is real or not anymore, I just... I can’t take any more. Sleep... sounds so very good...

Since the fillies were all at the head of the bed, and it was a very large bed, I took the middle, laying down on my stomach before rolling slightly so that I was still decent, half on my side and half on my stomach. After several attempts I finally found a semi-comfortable position and fell asleep.

.o.O.o.

Alright, I take back anything bad I said about Big Mac. He might not talk much, and seems like a ‘normal’ jock, he’s just a simple, humble farmer, and he’s only that big because of all the work he has to do. He doesn’t seem to get angry quickly, thinks things through... All in all, a surprisingly great guy! Of course, that brings up the question of what he’s doing with-

“Trixie, yer ramblin again,” Big Mac said in his quiet, calming voice.

… Okay, look, I’m not a ‘girly’ girl if you hadn’t noticed by now, but I could listen to his voice all day.

Trixie huffed, before apologizing softly, clearly not wanting to actually apologize, but also wished to honor Big Mac. What does he even see in her? Trying to change her for the better, maybe? Heck if I know. At least they’re nice enough to start giving me the basics of this world, what some things are called, how magic works, what kind of magics there are, stuff like that. They were giving me a brief history of the past five or ten years, Big Mac’s reasoning being that it would be more relevant than ancient history, which I could learn later on, after I know how to act in society. 

“... So Trixie was wondering... how old are you?” the blue mare asked, looking at me curiously.

That’s not a yes or no answer, moron! How am I supposed to answer that without being able to talk or hands to represent numbers? Wait a sec...

I glanced down to my paws, and looked at how many digits I had, exactly. Looks like I have... four. Okay, I can make that work.

I held out my claw in front of Trixie, extending my claws to better show how many I had. I giggled maliciously as Trixie actually backed up a step, thinking I was going to attack her or something. Idiot. If I was going to attack you, you’d know it because you’d be rolling on the floor in pain and agony, or dead.

I tapped Big Mac with all four claws, before tapping him four more times.

“Twenty?”

I blinked, shocked. He did the math that quickly? Had he counted along? After a second I nodded, turning back to face the window of our room.

“So do you have a special somepony back home?” Trixie asked, glancing at me in I’m sure what she thought was a coy smile.

I snorted dismissively, shaking my head. I don’t need a guy. I don’t need anyone. Date one and you’ve dated them all.

“Why-”

“Trix, ‘s none of our business,” Big Mac reprimanded, silencing Trixie.

Damn I’m starting to like Big Mac... He doesn’t mess around!

Trixie whimpered, recoiling as if she had actually been hit by him or something. Damn, does she really care what he thinks that much?

“... Sorry... I just, you’re from another world!” Trixie exclaimed softly, defending herself. “How is that not amazing?! I just want to know more about you, and your world! Just think of the stories I could tell if I knew even just a little bit about your world! Is there anything you can tell me? Please?”

“... I wish I could, but none of you understand a single word that I say.”

I watched as they gave each other blank looks, before I sighed softly. I mean, I’m not normally the talking type, but... Right now, in the middle of all this crazy, it sure would be nice to be able to talk with someone... anyone...

Okay, I’m depressed now. I guess I may as well go to sleep now, since there’s nothing better to do. Besides, it’ll give them some ‘alone time’, not that I think they’d do anything with me right here. At least, I’d hope not...

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Big Mac and Trixie watched as the Glaceon fell asleep on a chair cushion, soon snoring quietly. After a moment, Big Mac smiled, taking Trixie’s cape from her to use as a blanket for the Pokemon. Trixie whined as she lost her cape, but apparently knew better than to protest when Big Mac made a decision.

“Well?”

Trixie rubbed one foreleg with the other as she realised her whimper had been heard, despite her best efforts. “N-nothing... There is nothing wrong with Trixie, Mac...”

Big Mac silently walked up to her, before enfolding her in his forelegs, hugging her to him. “Trix, ah told ya, you don’t have ta lie to me... What’s wrong?”

“I... t-that cape is the last thing I have of my mother’s,” Trixie whimpered softly, her eyes watering. “I... no one else has ever...”

Trixie did her best to hold back her tears as Big Mac left her, though her tears made it impossible to see what he was doing. She heard a few sheets rustling before she felt a familiar warmth on her back. “M-Macintosh?”

“Ah’m sorry, Trix,” the red stallion whispered into Trixie’s ear, re-attaching her cloak. “Ah didn’t know. Ah thought... Sorry.”

“It’s, it’s okay,” Trixie sobbed back, trying not to cry. “It’s not your fault I’m afraid to, to...”

“Why are ya so afraid to tell me about yer past, Trix?” Big Mac inquired, trying to keep his voice steady. “Don’t ya trust me?”

“I... I... I don’t want you to think less of me and hate me,” Trixie wailed weakly, burying her head in his neck, being careful of her horn. “I-I don’t... I can’t lose you, I can’t, I can’t...”

Big Mac held his fillyfriend in his forelegs, rubbing her back slowly as she sobbed, whispering “I can’t” over and over.

Big Mac slowly shuffled them both across the room and to the bed, where he helped her lay down on the far side, against the wall. He laid next to her, allowing her to wrap his foreleg around her body. 

Once she had calmed down, Big Mac nuzzled her, breathing, “Trix, ah said before that ah would never abandon ya. Ah’m not goin’ ta let this get between us. Ah want to know everything about ya, but ah can only understand what ya let me see. Please?”

Trixie remained quiet, aside from the odd sniff. Sighing to himself, Big Mac apologized softly. “Ah’m... ah’m sorry, Trix. Ah didn’t mean ta pressure ya... Ah guess we should just get some sleep...”

Trixie sniffed one last time, before a whisper of wind tugged at Big Mac’s ear. “P-promise not to think less of me?”

Big Mac smiled widely, kissing her forehead gently, tenderly as he reassured her. “Ah swear...”

.o.O.o.








> Chapter the Twelfth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And so I said ‘Oatmeal? Are you crazy?! This is porridge!’”

Everypony laughed as Pinkie Pie finished telling her joke, bouncing along the hallways. Blueblood snorted, laughing quietly as he followed along. Princess Celestia was currently escorting the Elements to a guest suite for them to share. Pinkie Pie started telling another story happily; while Applejack and Rainbow Dash were clearly engaged in the story, Fluttershy had her attention on the two Pokemon that were being carried by guards, making sure that they were fine and comfortable.

What worried Blueblood was how Rarity had yet to say anything to him. She had warned him at his airship christening that the next time they met, she would really give him a piece of her mind. But instead, she looked calm, serene even. Thoughtful. And that scared Blueblood to death. If there was one thing he had learned growing up, it was to be afraid of a mare who was abnormally calm and collected, because that could only mean trouble for him later.

“So, Blue, what have you been up to?” Twilight inquired, trotting next to Blueblood. “Haven’t talked to you in forever! First the Gala was a mess, and then the wedding, and then the coronation hassle...”

“O-oh, well,” Blueblood stammered for a second, caught off-guard. “I’ve been trying to keep busy, you know. Charting maps, taking care of negotiations for the borders, same old same old,” Blueblood sighed. “Things have certainly been more... sedate in Canterlot, with you being down in Ponyville the past couple of years. But lo and behold, you stay in Canterlot for something non-emergency related, and a catastrophe occurs! You’re a trotting trouble magnet, Lady Sparkle.”

Twilight was taken aback by the serious, chiding tone in Blueblood’s voice. “W-well I didn’t, I mean I-”

Twilight blushed as Blueblood started to laugh at her, the quiet, deep laugh with which she was familiar. Twilight blushed harder as she smacked Blueblood, huffing, “I thought I told you not to tease me like that anymore, Blue!”

“M-my apologies, Lady Twilight, I could not resist,” Blueblood guffawed. “Besides, you know how boring it gets-”

“Like I know, right? Everypony in Canterlot are super snooty and don’t know how to have fun, and-”

“P-please get away from me,” Blueblood stammered out, shying away from the pink mare that had wrapped her foreleg around his withers.

“Girls, come on, leave Blue alone,” Twilight chided sternly, frowning at her friends. 

“Aww, come on, it’s all in good fun!” Pinkie retorted, sticking her tongue out playfully.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash agreed, flying on her back. “Besides, it’s not like we’re-”

As Rainbow Dash’s hoof touched Blueblood, his pupils shrunk, his mind collapsing as he tried his best to ignore what was happening, but failed. “Get away from me!”

Blueblood’s horn lit up brightly for less than a second before he disappeared entirely, leaving five surprised mares gaping at the space that used to contain Blueblood. “What... just happened, Twilight?”

The five friends turned to Twilight, only to find their friend glaring at them with narrowed eyes. “... Excuse me, will you Celestia? I need to go calm down Blue before he has another panic attack like last time.”

Twilight disappeared as she used a teleportation spell, leaving the others standing in the hall. Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs, huffing, “What’s their problem? It’s not like we were picking on him or pranking him or anything. I mean, seriously.”

Rarity sighed, rolling her eyes. “You mean aside from blatantly ignoring both of their requests for you to give him some space? You’re right, Darling, I just don’t know what could have possibly went wrong.”

.o.O.o.

Luna sighed as she checked up on her sleeping guest, a ‘Pokemon’. “We would greatly wish to talk to thee in the waking world,” she murmured, moving a small blanket over the albino Umbreon. “We shall simply have to visit thee in the dreaming world instead, along with those newcomers.”

Luna laid down on her bed, next to the self-claimed pony-turned-Pokemon, and allowed her magic to channel, weaving her way into the dream world.

She landed softly in a dream, looking around to find out which Pokemon’s dream she had landed in. “Eeeee!”

Luna turned around to see a small pink ball of fluff running around, dashing around bushes, trees, and small puddles of water. It was small, about half the size of her guest, pinkish-brown fur coat, and small bundle of-

“Oof!”

Energy.

“Hai! You’re a pretty purple princess pony Pokemon! Can I catch you? Can you talk? You have wings! Can you fly? What’s your name? Why are you so big? Wh-”

The little one’s eyes went wide as her mouth suddenly turned into a zipper, closed shut as Luna massaged her head. “Thou art an energetic, inquisitive youngling, aren’t thou?” Luna took a deep breath, calming herself, watching in amusement as the small pink furball pawed at the zipper of her mouth, her eyes wide open in amazement. “Now, firstly, no, thou canst catch me, young one; I am, as you said, a princess, not a Pokemon. Yes, I can fly. Now, little one, my name is Luna Nightwatch, but you may call me Luna. What is your name?”

“Hai Luna!” the small Pokemon exclaimed cheerfully, having unzipped her mouth to great amusement. “I’m Kaye! I love love love ponies! And you, yous is a magic pony! I like you! You is best pony Pokemon eber!”

Luna blinked, and ‘Kaye’ somehow moved from sitting on the floor to nestled between Luna’s wings. “I likes you,” Kaye murmured, settling down to sleep in the soft feathers of Luna’s wings. “You can bees my friend?”

As Kaye began to snore, Luna’s eyes softened. She turned back to face the small one ‘sleeping’ on her back and nuzzled her, glad that her mind was finally at rest. While it had seemed that Kaye was enjoying herself, Luna knew better. Her magic aura betrayed her true thoughts, and showed that she had been just moments from her ‘happy’ and ‘cheerful’ dream turn into a horrible nightmare. As soon as she agreed to be her friend, however, everything was fine again.

“Don’t worry, little one. We will watch over thee,” Luna promised quietly, nuzzling the small Eevee. “We will protect thee and care for thee so long as you are in Our care...”

What sort of monster did this thing, that they even drag the innocence of foals into this? Our rage shall know no limits if We find who did such a thing!

Luna concentrated once more, taking longer than normal to channel her magic, as she now had a passenger to worry about. Luckily, it helped that her passenger was dreaming of nothing, however, reducing the strain for molding Kaye’s dream into that of the next guest. As soon as she landed, however, that changed...

Luna found herself falling through the sky. There was no wind, however, so Kaye didn’t move from her place on Luna’s back. “What in the-”

“Aughhhhhh!”

Luna turned to her right, and saw the black, white, and red bird that had fallen with Kaye and the third one. Confused, Luna asked, calmly, “Excuse me, but... why are you screaming? You have wings. Even if you can’t fly, you can at least glide, can’t-”

“I’m a friggin bird, what the hell do you think is the problem you-”

Luna was then half-deafened from the raw scream the bird let loose as he started to freak out even further. “You’re a friggin’ talking horse?! Okay, this is a dream, this is a dream, this is a dream, I’m going to be fine. I’m going to hit the ground, I’m going to wake up, and then I’m going to be just fine.”

“Thou shouldst be grateful thou didst not awaken the little one, or I would be most upset with thee,” Luna warned, growling. “Now thou art going to answer mine questions, and stop behaving like such a-”

The Pokemon blinked, then said slowly, “Hey, so, um, how come there isn’t a ground? Normally there’s ground that I can see, that I’m about to plummet straight into and die, but there’s only sky... What gives?”

“We are the princess of the night. We do what We want in your dreams,” Luna deadpanned. “What is thine name?”

“M-Meis.”

“Mice? Thou art talented in dealing with small rodents? Interesting,” Luna mused, thinking. “And mice are afraid of birds, who prey upon them, so if you’re afraid of birds, who fly and are high up... Yes, that makes sense,” Luna said, nodding. “Thine fear is understandable, considering, but thou shouldst not worry! We wilt take care of thee whilst thou art in our world.”

“Uh-huh... Excuse me if I don’t care what you say, since you’re just a figment of my imagination, and I’ll wake up in my bed any second now,” the bird deadpanned.

Luna blinked and sighed, slowly counting to ten as she reminded herself that she had a small package onboard, and that awakening it in her wrath would most likely not be a good thing. “We shall see thee upon thine awakening, then, Mice.”

“It’s Meis, not mice!”

... That’s what I said. This human is a most odd one indeed.

Luna channeled her magic once again, having to focus to a much greater extent than before.

Why do I get the feeling that this last Pokemon is going to be the biggest problem of them all?








> Chapter the Thirteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Space... I like space. Not to go ‘Space Core’ on you guys, but seriously, I am a huge space fan. It’s just so... I don’t know, open? Mysterious? Calming?

Come to think of it, I don’t really know why I like it. I just know that I do. Which is good, because I’m floating along in it. Or is it falling? I mean, technically, the weightlessness in the space station isn’t because they’re in space, but it’s because they’re falling forever, caught by Earth’s gravity at just the right place that they fall just as fast as they orbit. Or was that something else? I think it’s the space station...

Anywhoozle, all I know is that whatever this is, it’s nice. There’s some music or something in the background, but I can’t really make anything out aside from an odd note or two. A little irritating, since I love music, but at least there’s something there, even if I can’t make it out. Sounds like a lullaby of sorts, if I had to categorize it.

Wait, why am I here? How did I get here? This doesn’t make any sense... Meh, since when is making sense any fun? I mean, I read nothing but fantasy, so that kinda proves that I don’t like sense, because I like stuff that isn’t real, and then-

Dang, how do my thoughts get so derailed so easily? My thoughts aren’t a train, are they? I mean, I know one of my favourite songs says we’re all a locomotive under the big, hot sun, but come on!

Where are we going?

Oh, don’t you even start with me, Brian, I am not in the mood!

Yeah, because you ever are in the mood... Chill, would ‘ja? I thought dreaming was supposed to be relaxing, but here you are, stressing out about trains worse than that one kid in second grade who randomly exclaimed every other time you talk with him ‘I like trains!’

I... you... We swore never to mention Evan ever again! He was the bane of our existence! How could you betray me like that?!

... Huh. Well, very easily, apparently... That’s not good, Brian mused. And I used to be so trustworthy, too... Oh well. I blame her!

Her who?

“Huh? Thou art not the third intruder! What hast thou done?”

My blood froze as my eyes widened. I knew that voice. She was back, and I was so dead. This might be a dream, but considering all of the insanity I had borne witness to for the past day or so, it wouldn’t surprise me if she could kill me in my dreams or something. We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead-

I was mentally bitch-slapped by Brian, whose non-existant hands grabbed- Wait a second... hands? Would they still be hands, or would they be paws now? I mean, yeah, he’s my brain, so one could argue that they were paws now, since I had paws, but on the other hand, I wasn’t a Pokemon mentally, only physically, so he could still have hands if he were human, but then that would mean that we’re in different bodies and stuff, so I should be crazy, which means-

Whelp, at least I still have my mental breakdowns on tangents like I did when I was human. That’s one good thing, at least. Now, where was I? Oh, right, getting bitch-slapped by Brian.

Keep it together, man! She’s just another paper or essay final! Just keep a straight face and BS your way out of this! You can do it!

“Oh, Princess Luna, how nice of you to visit.”

... Wow, I need to have more faith in myself! That actually sounded intentional and respectful and stuff! I just might survive this after all.

“We assure you, We did not intend to visit you tonight. We were merely on our way to find the third... guest that arrived earlier this day.” Luna said regally, looking down at me with her larger frame.

Now, I want it said right now: I actually liked having to look up at someone when they were talking for once. Do you know how hard it is to take someone in authority seriously when they’re shorter than you? Not just by a couple inches, but by like half a foot or more? Yeah, for some reason, it’s hard to take them seriously, so it was nice to be on the shorter side for once. I mean, I never asked to be a tall giant! To be considered on the small side was nice, if only for awhile. I mean, I was still a bit bigger than the average Flareon, but it’s not like I was as big as a stallion! I was, maybe... I don’t know, three-fifths Luna’s size, if I was generous? So it’s not like-

She’s so cute!

What?! Brian, you do not think that a pony looks cute! I refuse! That’s just sick, dude! Come on, pull yourself together!

Not her, you dork! The little Eevee on her back! And I didn’t mean cute like “You should totally hit on her brah”, I meant “D’aww, that’s precious” cute! Come on, who do you think I am?!

... As someone who has taken law, I refuse to answer that question. Now, who do you-

Yeah, Brian was right. The little Eevee was absoballyfreakinglutely adorable. I mean, regular Eevees? Pretty cute, honestly. A pink Eevee, though? Bitch, you’d better get out mah way cause I am so giving it a hug!

~Aww... She’s so adorable!~

Yes, I just said that in a sing-song voice. Don’t judge me, you weren’t there! You didn’t take a full load of adorable to the face without warning. Her cuteness knows no bounds! I regret nothing!

“Halt! What are thine intentions?” Princess Luna asked warily, trotting backwards to keep me away from the little Eevee. Meanie-head.

“I just want to give her a hug!” I whined, giving her my puppy eyes. “She’s like a mini-me, except that she’s a girl... and pink... and an Eevee, instead of evolved like me, and-”

“Eevee? What is that?” Luna inquired, arching an eyebrow.

Oh, you wanna play this game? I’ll play this game! Bring it on! It’s time to get me mah hugs for the day!

“Something for something,” I sang, grinning. Brian absently told me that I was wagging my tail slowly, but I didn’t care.

“Thou wilt not touch her whilst she’s sleeping!” Luna exclaimed, raising a wing protectively.

... Okay, not gonna lie, that hurt. She made it sound like I was some sort of sick pedo or something! I am not! I just like petting animals, okay? I like silky fur! Is there anything wrong with that?!

Well, considering the fact that she is just a little girl, I would have to say-

Shut up Brian! Not helping! Whose side are you on, anyways?!

Good question! Since the answer isn’t 42, though, I honestly have no friggin clue. Want some pizza?

I’m on a diet, jerk! You know that! just... Gah! Just shut up and stop making fun of me! Damn! I had to deal with that enough in school, you have to do it to me yourself?

Hey, you asked for that one, bro. Not my fault if you walked straight into that one.

... Dammit Brian... Just shut up...

“... You know what, you’re right. Sorry, that came out kind of creepy,” I agreed with Luna, sighing as I sat back down. “Forgot that I was a furry dog now, and not a human anymore. A shame, because she’s just the right size to fit on my lap to be brushed... Whelp, guess I should start talking, right?”

Luna blinked, before nodding, laying down carefully, as to not drop her precious cargo. “Verily. Thou may begin when thou art comfortable.”

“Great, awesome, perfect, comfortable, I can do that, right,” I rambled to myself, trying to get my control back.

Um, to get something back don’t you have to, I don’t know, kind of have it to begin with?

... Brian, for the last freaking time, shut up, before I dropkick your ass quiet. Capiche?

I laughed, shuffling nervously as I tried to get comfortable. “Um, first of all, about yesterday, or earlier, or whatever that was, um, the last time, yeah. About that, I just wanted to-”

“We just want thou to get on with the explaining. We already deduced that thou were not in thine right mind.”

Oh thank God... I mean, from what I can tell, Luna is pretty damn powerful, and the last thing I needed was a princess with a grudge. “Thanks,” I stammered gratefully, my heart already slowing down. “I still didn’t... sorry. A-anyway, um... What do you want to hear first?”

Luna thought for a moment, before looking back to me. Dang, was she always so serious looking? She needs to lighten up before one of her subjects goes all Joker on her ass and... Wait... Crap, that’s probably racist here or something, isn’t it? Hell if I know... But then what are their butts called? Err... haunches? Sure, let’s go with that. That’s what they use in Spyro, so close enough, right? 

Crap, where was I? Right, Luna talking to me. “Start with what thou art called, where thou camest from, and so on.”

“Oh. err, alright, I can do that, I suppose. Let’s see... My name is Glenn Winters, and I’m what’s called a Human, or Homo Sapien Sapien, I think is the scientific mumbo jumbo. This is a Flareon, one of hundreds of species of Pokemon.”

“And what is a Pokemon?”

“In all honesty? It’s a fictional race created by either a video game company, or a card company. Seeing as how Nintendo used to be a card company, I guess they count as both. Anyway, the creatures were based on animals, like mice, birds, dogs, and so on. Most of them had elements attached, because what’s the point of a game without there being rules, or tactics? So like fire is weak to water, but strong against grass, so on and so forth.

“Regardless, not only that, but most Pokemon can also ‘evolve’ so to speak. Once they get strong enough, or under certain circumstances, they grow, usually larger, but also stronger. For example, your passenger is an ‘Eevee’. Eevee is a fan favourite Pokemon, because, firstly, they’re adorable. Of course, they’re normally brown, not pink, but whatever. Eevee is most famous for having multiple forms to evolve into.”

“But thou said that once they get stronger they evolve, so how would one Pokemon evolve multiple times?” 

Crap, I didn’t explain that well. Okay, take two.

“Well, some Pokemon do evolve more than once, though no Pokemon as of yet has more than three forms total. However, how Eevee does it is through the other way I said they could evolve: other circumstances. 

“There are certain magical stones imbued with the power of the elements that can facilitate the evolution of certain Pokemon. The stones only work on a few Pokemon. Eevee, however, so far has seven evolutions that we know depending on different conditions. The first three discovered were Jolteon, a spiky, electric dog of sorts, Vaporeon, a water, cat-fish Pokemon with a long rudder and fins, and finally, Flareon, what I am. The three use, in order, a thunder stone, a water stone, and a fire stone.

"Now, later on, as the series became more popular, they slowly came out with more evolutions for Eevee. Espeon is what that Pokemon who showed up in the throne room was. They’re a purple, psychic cat, basically, and they evolve from Eevee when they have a high affection for one or more Pokemon or person, and gain a great amount of experience during the day. Then, on the other paw, you have Umbreon, wh-”

“Wait, what didst thou just term the next one?” Luna interrupted me, her eyes growing wide.

Okay, so the name sounds familiar to her. Sounds legit. I mean, she visits others in their dreams, she’s got a moon tattooed on her butt. Okay, whatever...

“Err, Umbreon?” I said slowly, trying to drag the word out to make sure she heard it properly.

“Is it white, with circular blue rings?” she asked eagerly, leaning forward.

“White? Umbreon are black... I mean, blue rings sounds right if it’s a shiny Pokemon, as the rings are normally yellow, but... Why do you ask? You found one, I take it?” I asked slowly, trying to think. “I mean, the only way I can see that combination happening is if the Pokemon in question was like an Albino, but since it’s just a game, the question of albino Pokemon existing has never really been answered in canon, so I don’t know.”

Oh great, I was rambling again. Still, a shiny Umbreon with a white coat instead of black? Sounds like a bad OC out of a Pokemon fanfic or something. I mean, even in the game, the odds of a shiny Pokemon existing is one in almost nine-thousand. I’m sure in ‘real life’, the odds are much lower than that, so for one to appear like that would be...

“He says that he was a pony before. Dost that maketh a difference?”

My ears perked up at that. A pony that had turned into a Pokemon? Do tell! “I... have absoballyflippinlutely no idea!”

I watched as she got angry, her face darkening, and it was only then that I realized that I had my shit-eating grin of stupidity (trademark) on. 

Aww crap... Whelp, Brian, this is the end. So long, and thanks for all the pizza!

Don’t give up yet! Come on, backpedal! Backpedal backpedal backpedal!

“W-what I mean by that, Princess Luna,” I said quickly, trying my best to stay on the quiet side, lest I wake up Luna’s passenger. “Is that I don’t know! I can’t! Pokemon were fictional in my world, okay?! They didn’t really exist! They were just a game, that’s it! I don’t know anything about that because I don’t know anything about... well, any of this! You have freaky magic! Like Hell if I know how that works! You’re asking me to know something about so many things that don’t even exist in my world, and that’s not fair! I’m trying the best I am, but let’s see how you deal with being turned into another species that isn’t supposed to exist, being dumped into another world, where you’re smaller than everyone else, and you can’t talk to them, and they treat you like a pet, and- and-”

Oh... Well, okay, I guess it’s finally time for my mental breakdown! Woohoo!

Although... If you don’t mind, I’m going to skip the embarrassing, emotional parts, where I’m a wreck, and trying not to go crazy, and Luna alternatively smacking me around and comforting me in equal measures. As funny as I’m sure it would be to you, that... Just no. Don’t ask me to share that, because I ain’t never tellin’ another soul. 

.o.O.o.

“... ‘m sorry.”

I was curled up into as small a ball of fluff as I could, embarrassed and ashamed. Honestly, I was kind of surprised I was still alive. I hadn’t exactly said any nice things to Luna after my breakdown. Heck, I think I blamed her for some of the things that had happened.

“We know,” Luna answered calmly, both of her wings slightly raised, trying to keep the now-restless sleeper from the land of the conscious. “We admit that, perhaps, We had not thought about what thou hast gone through. We are used to ponies knowing who We are, but you are not of our country, our land, or your own species. Perhaps it was too much to expect for thou to... Regardless, We are willing to start over, if you will accept our apology.”

“... I think I’d like that,” I answered quietly, trying to grin.

“Hai!”

Holy crap! I nearly jumped out of my fur and urinated all over it! Well, I didn’t succeed in killing myself through suicide of insulting royalty, so perhaps Brian was trying to kill me via heart attack? I wouldn’t put it past him...

Oh dear God... She’s awake. She’s awake, energetic, and she’scomingstraightformeohfu-

“Oof!”

Dayum. Since when do little girls weigh, like, ten tons?! Seriously, I wouldn’t be shocked if her tackle fractured half of my ribs! So now I’m breathless, have near-broken ribs, while having a heart attack. Woohoo! Come on, Brian, what else can you throw at me? Bring it on!

“Oh my goshness hai! A Flareon! I can’t believe you’re real, and you's right here! Hai! I’m Kaye! You, you is fluffy!”

Ha! Kid called you Fluffy too! You must have a collar with a name-tag on it or something!

I put a paw on her muzzle to shut her up for just a second, trying to sort out my feelings, before I finally realized something. You know what? I don’t care. In one way, if I don’t keep my name, I might go crazy, but on the other... I’m also different now. If I change my name while in this body, maybe it’ll be easier for me to handle psychologically. So, you know what, Brian?

I grinned haphazardly, nodding as I agreed quietly, “Yeah, I am Fluffy. Nice to meet you, Kaye.”

“Will you be my friend? Will you play wiv me?” she begged, her tail wagging slowly as her eyes threatened to water.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I answered, putting a paw to my chin as I pretended to think about it, winking over her to Luna. “What do you want to play?”

Oh my God... She is setting new levels of cute. her face scrunched up in serious thought, before she jumped in place, bopped me on the nose, then ran away, yelling, “Tag, you’re it!”

I sat there for several seconds, trying to process what just happened. I... she... Wait... Did... she just bop me on the nose, and then started a game of tag?

Yepper Peppers, bucko-boy. What-cha gonna do about it?

I think, I replied slowly, standing up as I began to grin. It’s time to start thinking positively, and relax a little bit. Look out, kid! Here comes Fluffy!

We must have played for... I don’t know, an hour, at least, but I couldn’t tell how fast time was passing to really know. In the end, she started yawning widely, barely able to walk.

“I’m... gun catch you, Fluffy,” she murmured, crouching down to pounce, but only managed to jump about a foot into the air.

Of course, I was watching her, so I rolled myself under just in time to be ‘tackled’ by Kaye, falling heavily on my stomach as she started to mumble her victory speech.

“So I claim mount... mount Fluffy to be mine, and I will hug him, and brush him, and he will be my Fluffy...”

I snorted softly, not wanting to disrupt the dozing child. “I think that Sweetie Belle would like to contest that, but whatever. I’m sure they’ll learn how to share, or something.... Sleep sounds nice...”

With Kaye asleep on my back, I too laid down, stomach down, and curled up only slightly, allowing my eyes to close as the weights attached to my eyelids grew more and more leaden. As I fell asleep, I was left with one last, random thought. Wait a second... aren’t I already asleep? What happens when you fall asleep when you’re already asleep?

I never did get that question answered... Unless you count the soft snores of Kaye and myself, but you know. Whatever. Can’t win them all, I guess...














> Chapter the Fourteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

~Hush now, quiet now,
It’s time to lay your sleepy head.
Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed.

Drift, drift, off to sleep, exciting day behind you.
Drifting off to sleep, let the joys of dreamland find you... ~

Rarity allowed herself a satisfied smile as the three crusaders fell asleep, cuddled together for warmth just a few hooves away from Fluffy. Now that everything was quiet, she actually have a chance to think. 

She was still quite personally livid with Fluffy for having soaked her in his attempts to get the crusaders into the tub. Yes, he was successful in the end, but there were just some things that were not proper to do in the presence of a lady! 

Shaking her head to herself, Rarity crept out of Celestia’s room, having calmly brushed her mane as best as she could while singing her sister and her friends to sleep. She still had to catch up with her friends, after all! The question now, though, was problematic, if only for a moment. Where did they go? We split up awhile ago...

Rarity hummed to herself a moment, before smiling to herself. A lady was never without resources, after all, so long as she kept her wit about her! She summoned her gem-location spell, and focused it on the Element of Magic in particular. Rarity preened inwardly as she followed the slight tug on her horn, congratulating herself on how to find her friends. After all, with Twilight being a princess, she was required to wear some form of regalia, so Twilight had chosen to wear the Element of Harmony, since it was already a tiara. It was, as Applejack put it, ‘Mighty practical of ya, Twi.’

Rarity rolled her eyes as she thought on that statement, but a small part of her argued that it was more practical to wear her tiara than to have a new one created for her. If disaster struck, she would have to change crowns otherwise, and with the Element of Magic naturally matching Twilight’s colors, it would never clash.

Still, Rarity sighed to herself. It would have been quite the challenge to create regalia for a new princess, making sure she didn’t clash with the other princesses, while still remaining true to herself. Alas, it was not to be...

Rarity blinked as she realized that she had been following her horn absently, and as her thoughts drifted, so had her attention. She found herself in the middle of the royal kitchen, which was moderately busy, much to her surprise. I suppose that the night staff needs to eat too, the guards and the maids and the Lunar Court’s staff, but why on Equestria would Twilight be near here?

Apologising quietly, she left the room, fine-tuning her spell now that she was much closer to Twilight, redirecting her to what appeared to be-

“A... pantry?”

Quirking an eyebrow, she trot forward, getting ready to open the door, but paused when she heard Twilight talking. Curiosity getting the better of her, she leaned forward, her ears twitching as they found the best angle with which to eavesdrop.

.o.O.o.

Twilight sighed as she heard the spoon hit the bottom of the cardboard container. As Blueblood ate the last bite of ice cream, Twilight shook her head. “Blue... You are such a mare, you know that?”

Blueblood grumbled quietly as he savored the last of his frozen treat, the sugar helping him get out of shock. He never cared that he would have to work off the calories later, so what was the problem? “Yeah, well... You’re purple!”

Twilight blinked, then started to giggle despite herself. “Yeah, and you’re a mare. That over-rides my being purple, so you lose anyway, bleh!” Twilight stuck her tongue out petulantly, knowing she had already won the argument.

Blueblood began to laugh as well, licking the spoon one last time. “Yeah, well... Thanks, Light... I’m sorry, I tried not to freak out around your friends, and then-”

“It’s alright,” Twilight sighed, massaging her head. Seriously, why can’t I get him to call me that in public? It’s like...

“Hey Blue? Why won’t you call me that in public? You’re always so formal! You’re never going to work up the nerve to ask her out if you don’t learn how to relax!” Twilight argued, crossing her forelegs.

“Yeah, well,” Blueblood muttered, dumping the empty ice cream container in the garbage. “You know how I get around mares, a-and even thinking about asking her out is- is...”

Twilight threw a foreleg around Blueblood sympathetically, nodding. “I know, Blue... But one of these days, I’m going to get you to spill the beans on who she is! If she were as perfect as you say she is, then why isn’t she seeing anyone? There must be something wrong with her! Nopony’s perfect!”

Blueblood laughed bitterly, murmuring, “Maybe one or two things, but she’s still perfect in my eyes...”

“Well... come on, Blue! Just tell me one bad thing about her! Just one! Please?”

Blueblood stiffened, eyes widening as he recognized that tone. He knew that tone very, very well, and it only ever meant one thing. Don’t look into her eyes. Don’t look into her eyes, don’t look into her- crap.

Puppy eyes. Blueblood’s one weakness when it came to mares in general. It was impossible to be afraid of something that had its eyes take up half of their face magically. As he stared into Twilight’s shimmering violet pools that others called eyes, Blueblood felt his willpower drain to nothing. “W-well, s-she’s very stubborn, I suppose. S-somewhat assertive...”

“Well that doesn’t sound good!” Twilight protested, backing away from Blueblood as her eyes returned to normal. “Is that really worth putting up with?”

“W-well, it’s not like she abuses it or anything,” Blueblood continued, smiling. “I don’t think she even knows she is assertive, so it’s not really a problem.”

“Ah! Itch, itch, itch!” Scrambling, Twilight lit her horn, frantically searching her wing for the problem. As she tore out the offending feather, she sagged to the floor, panting in relief.

“ Molting?” Blueblood asked sympathetically, settling down on the floor next to her, offering his shoulder. “Auntie says that drinking tea helps you relax, and distracts you from the itching.”

“I’ll have to try that, thanks, Blue.” Twilight gave a sigh of relief as she sagged against Blueblood, allowing her wing to stay propped up as she nuzzled her way through her feathers, searching for one last, elusive itch.

Blueblood blushed as Twilight continued her preening, but said nothing while she finished. “So Blue, have I met the lucky mare?” Twilight mumbled around her feathers, her teeth busy.

“W-well yes,” Blueblood admitted, nodding.

“Do you want me to ask her for you? N-not on a date,” Twilight clarified quickly. “But to see if I can, you know, figure out what she thinks of you. Maybe put in a good word or two for you?”

“N-no, that wouldn’t work,” Blueblood said quickly, shooting down Twilight’s idea. “She already knows me too, so that would be pointless.”

Twilight huffed impatiently, wracking her brain for options. She had no personal experience with romance, true, but it was her job as a friend to offer good, sage advice, right? Of course right!

“Then why are you so afraid of asking her? If she already knows you, then why haven’t you-”

“B-because I’m not good enough,” Blueblood mumbled, hanging his head. “She deserves somepony better than me. I mean, I get startled when mares even touch me! W-what if she wants foals? What if I’m a horrible father, and can’t do anything right for them?”

Twilight groaned in frustration, barely restraining herself from just hitting the stupid stallion. “Blueblood, I think that asking her out is a little more important than wondering about-”

“What if she says no?” Blueblood whispered, barely hiding the tears that threatened to fall. “I’ll never be the stallion she deserves, and even if I were, what if she says no? I can’t... I couldn't accept that. I couldn't risk ruining...”

Twilight sighed once more, rubbing the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof, before bonking Blueblood on the head gently. “Idiot... You’re never going to know until you ask... Besides, you’re forgetting about the other side of the coin...”

“... And that would be?”

Twilight smiled gently, giving Blueblood an encouraging nuzzle. “What if she says yes?”

“I don’t know... I-I’ll think about it, maybe,” Blueblood answered, looking away from Twilight. “M-maybe one day I’ll get enough courage, but I don’t think today-”

*SLAM!*

“Blueblood!”

Twilight and Blueblood shot up into the air, frightened for their lives. A banshee had escaped from the pits of Tartarus! If their hearing still worked after that scream, and if they were lucky, they might be able to distract it long enough to evacuate Canterlot before more citizens were injured or killed!

At least, that’s what Twilight thought it was. What she and Blueblood saw instead, however, was much, much worse. 

It was Rarity, and she was livid. Describing her mane and tail as being ‘on fire’ would be a grievous insult to the heat and light emitting from her coiffure. ‘Lava’ would certainly be a word much closer to justice, and her coat, if white before, was simply spotless now. 

“You tell her right this second, Blueblood, or I swear I’m going to do it!”

The fire quickly died out from her mane and tail, but it still showed in her eyes, burning fiercely. It was all Blueblood could do not to wet himself. “Y-y-you c-can’t!” he stammered, panicking. “Y-y-you wouldn’t!”

“Rarity! You’re scaring him to death!” Twilight yelled at her friend, stomping her hoof loudly against the stone floor as she raised her wings in defense.

“Oh yes I would, and you know it,” Rarity snarled, narrowing her eyes. “I refuse to let one of my best friends become an old maid just because you are too cowardly to ask her out! You ask her right this second, or I’m doing it for you!”

“No you won’t!” Twilight retorted, keeping her magic at the ready. “Blue doesn’t have to do anything! I can stay one step ahead of you all the time, Rarity! I can force you to stay with me if I have to!”

Rarity blinked, unable to come up with a retort for several moments. Finally, after finding her voice, Rarity looked between Blueblood and Twilight, noticing that the former appeared to be steeling himself for... something, and that the latter was genuinely angry. 

Rarity’s eye twitched as she tried to comprehend how Twilight could be that blind. “I... you... How in Equus is that going to keep me from telling her?!”

“Because if you’re with me, then you can never tell her without my knowing, and then Blue will be able to ask her in his own time!” Twilight declared proudly, puffing her chest out.

Rarity’s left eyelid started spasming as she began to hyperventilate. “How... You... But...”

“Err, L-Lady Twilight?”

Groaning, Twilight rolled her eyes at the sudden formality. “Blue, seriously, don’t worry about it. Rarity has always been overly dramatic, you don’t have to worry about anything. It won’t take much to keep an eye on her, and I’m sure I can ask Fluttershy and the rest for help too. They’ll understand, I’m sure.”

“W-well, if you put it like that, then....” Blueblood started to turn away, ready to leave, but something made him stay. “T-Then no.”

Twilight double-taked, looking at her friend, confused. “Huh? No what? It’s not like I’m going to-”

“She... She’s right,” Blueblood said slowly, with growing confidence. “I have to ask her some day, or else by the time I do ask her, getting what’s left of me that’s worth to be gotten won’t be worth getting whatever it is I’ve got left.”

Twilight blinked as she tried to make heads or tails of what he said, before he asked, “So, I’m going to ask her out on a date. Wish me luck?”

“Good luck, Blue,” Twilight exclaimed with a squeal, hugging him tightly. “She’d have to be a complete idiot to say no to you!”

“Y-yes, about that... Would you... Would you like to take a ride on my airship this weekend?” he asked hopefully. “You said you wanted to see it close up, so I thought maybe you’d like to take a ride, maybe see a play or two in Manehatten?”

Twilight blinked in shock, then giggled. “So you already know she’s into airships? While that sounds like a great idea for a date, don’t you think that might come off as being a little, I don’t know, stalker-ish?”

“I, well, it only depends if you think it was stalkerish of me to ask you,” Blueblood said nervously, chuckling slightly.

“Well, not me, no, but shouldn’t you practice saying something more general to get her attention first? Don’t worry, Blue, we’ll figure out the top five ways to ask her out if it takes all night!” Twilight exclaimed eagerly, getting out some parchment, quills, and ink. “We can make it a research paper, and I’m sure that Rarity would love to help you practice, right, Rarity? Um, Rarity?”

Rarity, having been hyperventilating for awhile, had passed out, her eyes crossed beneath her lids. “Odd... I would have thought she’d love to help,” Twilight mused, levitating her materials to the ready. “Normally it’s the getting her to shut up about romance that’s the hard part...”

.o.O.o.

“Thanks again for lettin’ us all bunk with ya, your highness,” Applejack said for everypony, following behind.

“Now Pinkie, you’re sure that the doozy is over now?” Rainbow Dash asked nervously. “I mean, your sense has been going off like crazy! Especially when we were in the guest room. Were there like traps or something?”

Pinkie Pie giggled, shaking her poofy mane. “Sorry Dashie, can’t tell! I promised I would keep it a secret! Everything will be fine in the end, though, I’m sure of it!”

Celestia opened the door to her room with her magic as they approached, but halted suddenly, causing everypony to crash into each other end to end. “Princess, what in tarnation-”

“... Damn that’s cute,” Applejack murmured, her eyes wide open.

“Yeah, what she said,” Rainbow Dash agreed softly, trying to understand how what she was seeing had happened.

“U-um, does anypony have a camera?” Fluttershy asked timidly. “Er, that is, if nopony minds. I wouldn’t want to wake them up or anything...”

Pinkie Pie just bounced forward, whipping out an old-fashioned tripod camera, covering her head with the red felt, giggling, “Say ‘Fuzzy Picklebarreled Kumquats!’” 

Celestia smiled widely at the sight, sighing in relief. “Perhaps there’s hope for a peaceful harmony and coexistence with them after all...”







> Chapter the Fifteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luna nodded to herself as she left Kaye with Fluffy, knowing now that she would be in safe hoov-err, paws. Besides, who knows what the next Pokemon is going to be like? I know I can protect her, but why endanger her all the same if she’s content here? Now, let’s see... Hmm, so that’s where We miscalculated... Alright, here We go!

Luna disappeared, reappearing in the third of the new guest’s dreams. Luna blinked in shock, charging her magic. “What in the blazes of Tartarus is going on?”

If she hadn’t triple-checked her spell, she would have sworn she had found her way into Discord’s dreams. Only he were as random as to have the ground made of rubber, trees made from sand, and buildings made of glass.

Luna saw brown clouds raining, and grinned. While she and Discord didn’t get along all the time, one thing she did appreciate were his cotton candy clouds that rained chocolate rain. Sticking her tongue out happily, she walked over to the nearest cloud to get a drink, only to start spitting and gagging. “What sort of monstrous, demented monster creates clouds that rains this strange, bitter stuff instead of chocolate milk?! Heads shall roll for this insolence!

“Well hello there, gorgeous,” came a sultry, feminine voice from behind Luna. “What is a lovely lady like you doing in a place like this, hmm?”

Luna turned around, still sputtering from the aftertaste of the coffee rain, only to be surprised further. The creature was, easily, the strangest she had yet seen. It didn’t appear to have any legs, and was floating above the ground. It was fairly aerodynamic, having a long, sleek white neck, and forelegs that could tuck into its body to a degree. It had a larger, egg-shaped torso, with two large fins sprouting from its back like immobile wings, with two more sticking behind it, roughly where its hind legs should have been. A triangular blue mark stood out against its red chest, with a red triangle against its white head.

“We... were looking for you, actually,” Luna said cautiously, backing away a step. “We were wondering-”

“There’s more than one of you? You know what that calls for,” the creature replied with a titter, eyes gleaming. “An orgy!”

Luna blinked, trying to figure out if the word had changed meaning over the years she had been gone from Equestria. “... Come again?”

“Not yet, silly, we haven’t even started...”

“Started what? We are not amused by thine antics, floating one! Answer our questions or suffer the consequences!” Luna exclaimed, reclaiming her poise as she pointed a hoof menacingly at the Pokemon.

“Ooh, so you’re into bondage? Kinky... Not sure you have a pair of handcuffs big enough for me, though,” the creature simpered, its gaze turning to a smolder. 

Luna staggered back several steps, trying to compose herself. What is wrong with this creature? The voice sounds feminine, so... Perhaps she is in heat? Yes, that would make sense, but where wouldst we find a male of her species? Even if Fluffy were willing, she is far too big compared to him, so that would not work... The only option is to quarantine her, and ask her forgiveness later.

Luna, having decided on a plan, turned to face the Pokemon once more. “We have decided that it is in your best interests for you to be temporarily quarantine thee, as thou art clearly in heat, and might accidentally injure others. We-”

“You can’t hold me! You are in my world! You can’t do anything to me!”

“Thou darest to challenge Us in Our own realm?!” Luna shouted back, furious. “Thou art nothing compared to Us!”

Luna staggered, however, as the ground started to shake, the sky turning dark. She has magic?!

Collecting her magic, Luna prepared to leave, snarling, “Thou hast merely caught Us off guard! We assure thee that thou shalt not do so in the real world, youngling!”

Luna left the dream world, panting heavily as she collected herself. After making sure she still had plenty of energy left, she teleported to where the prisoner was being held, rushing up to the door, noting the lack of a guard, which instantly raised her vigilance. She blasted the door open, rushing inside, only to find that the Pokemon had already disappeared. When she heard a distant explosion, Luna’s eyes widened in horror. “Kaye!”

Luna teleported instantly, arriving next to Kaye’s bed. Kaye was still asleep, but she was restless in her sleep, worrying Luna. As she refocused, she realized that the explosion took place in a different part of the castle. Not wishing to take any chances, Luna took Kaye into her telekinetic grasp, then teleported to her sister’s room.

Ignoring the startled gasps, she set Kaye on the bed, nearby Fluffy, saying quickly, “One of the Pokemon is insane! She’s attacking the castle, and I can’t let her escape. Come!”

Not bothering to warn them further, Luna teleported to the correct location of the explosion. Luna gasped as she saw a large hole in the side of the castle, sensing that the Pokemon had left the castle. Luna sent out a magical pulse, trying to sense where the other Pokemon were. “What?! Impossible!”

“It... It’s gone... The Pokemon is gone, and it took some of the others with it!” Luna exclaimed, straining to keep her poise. “We...” Okay, calm, think... We need to take stock of which Pokemon are still here, which ones ran away or were kidnapped, and the general plan of action, but I can’t enter their dreams until they’re asleep, as it’s doubtful she kept them asleep as she left...

Sighing, Luna charged her magic once more, using the moon as the basis for her spell. There. She took... Oh frell... She’s already nearing the badlands?! Just how fast can that thing fly?! Okay, okay, calm, concentrate... She took... Great... She took the green bug, the dog thing that broke into the medical supplies, the self-beating blue metal thing, and some purple blob in a dress. So... She took all of the crazy ones with her? That... That’s actually moderately helpful! Well, at least she won’t be able to come back without Celestia or I knowing. We’ll have to keep an eye on her, though. She’s clearly dangerous...

Luna sighed, then teleported back to Celestia’s room, which was strangely empty, aside from those sleeping on the bed. Frowning, Luna walked into Celestia’s study, and found everyone in quiet conversation, all clearly ready and anticipating some action. “We are sorry. We had misjudged the mental state of our guest. She has escaped, and taken some of the others with her, though We can not tell if it was against their will or not.”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s just grab the elements and blast her!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flaring her wings. “We’ll knock the crazy right out of her in thirty seconds flat, or my name’s not Rainbow Dash!”

Luna sighed, laying down next to her sister, leaning against her to rest. “She hath already reached the badlands...” Ignoring the gasps of surprise, Luna continued, “Besides, we need time to plan, and find out more about Pokemon. Fluffy was able to give me some, and I’m sure he has more, since Kaye interrupted us, but-”

“Wait, who’s Kaye? Is this Kaye?” Pinkie asked, holding up the sleeping Eevee with her forehooves. “Aww, but I wanted to name her Fuschia Floofy!” Pinkie complained, pouting as she hopped back out of the room gently, placing Kaye back on the bed with the crusaders and Fluffy, making sure she would stay warm. 

“But, um, how did Kaye interrupt you?” Fluttershy questioned.

“She didn’t want to be alone,” Luna answered simply. “So I took her with me. She’s just a filly, and We weren’t going to ignore a request like that. She’s alone, and she is not going to have anything to fear so long as We can help it.”

“Even foals are being dragged into this?” Applejack sighed, shaking her head. “That ain’t right...” 

“We assure thee, Applejack, she will be well taken care of,” Luna stated firmly. “Though she seems attached to Fluffy, so that may make things a little difficult.”

“In what way did she seem attached?” Celestia asked, privately worried.

Luna sighed, messaging the bridge of her muzzle as she answered. “We might be wrong, but it seems she wants him to be... her pet.”

“Sweetie already called Dibs.”

Luna blinked, then turned to Applejack. “Beg pardon?”

“Ah said Sweetie Belle already called Dibs,” Applejack repeated, as if that was all there was to say on the matter.

“... And what are Dibbuns?” Luna asked, mispronouncing the word. 

Everypony blinked, then remembered that Luna wouldn’t know what Dibs was. As they got ready to answer, however, they heard a squeal from the next room, causing a pony pile-up as everypony rushed to see what was going on.

Rarity, having recovered from her swoon, had been escorted back to Celestia’s room by Twilight, with Blueblood strangely absent. The squeal that everypony had heard, however, came from Rarity, as she saw the spectacle that awaited upon Celestia’s bed. “Camera, camera, camera! I need to find a camera!”

“Here you go!” Pinkie said cheerfully, pulling her camera from hammar-space once again. “You can use mine!”

Rarity thanks Pinkie quietly, her eyes glazed over as she took picture after picture, trying to cover every angle she could. “What’cha taking so many for, Rares?” Applejack questioned, quirking an eyebrow. “We already took one earlier...”

“Blackmail!” Rarity chirped happily, tucking pictures away carefully. “Never hurts to have something to barter with if he ever misbehaves.”

In the stunned silence that followed, Luna commented idly, “We like her. She doth not waste opportunities when they arise. Most useful indeed, even if We doubt that Fluffy would do anything that horrendous.”

“Oh? I thought you didn’t trust him before,” Celestia noted, questioning her sister. “What changed?”

“Kaye.” Luna replied simply, smiling at the sleeping bodies on the bed. “Foals possess the most odd ability to see straight to a pony’s true heart. She trusts him, and so shall We. Come, We are fatigued, and must rest forthwith.”

“Don’t mean he can’t still make mistakes,” Applejack pointed out quietly, following behind.

“Doesn’t mean he won’t try to fix his mistake and become a better pony,” Twilight shot back, grinning at her friend. 

“Hush! You’re going to wake them up,” Rarity hissed, chiding her friends. “Now move quietly!”

Sparing one last glance to the bed, Rarity sighed, wearing a tired smile. “Sleep tight... Tomorrow is another day, and, hopefully, it won’t be nearly as chaotic as today was...”










> Chapter the Sixteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mmm... Okay, now this is comfortable... Wait a second... This isn’t my dorm room!

I woke up with a start, looking around quickly as a blanket fell off of me. It was relatively early in the morning, but there was enough light to see that the small room I had been in last night was the same. Same window, same bed, same two ponies occupying it.

Oh no... Please tell me they didn’t do anything that... Wait, right, my nose is more sensitive now, I remembered, before silently cursing that I had been turned into a stupid Glaceon. I mean, come on! It has the worst attack rating of all the Eeveelutions! Stupid special attack... Who needs it?!

Grumbling to herself, she belatedly realised that she had been breathing through her nose, clasping it with her forepaws as she sat on her haunches. After a moment, she took a shallow sniff with her snifter, then seized her knees and sneezed.

Fluffy, you moron, that’s from Singing in the Rain! This part is about Crystal, not you, so stop messing around!

But it’s my story! I get to tell it how I want to!

No! You already get, like, five times the amount of screen time that poor Crystal does! Now give her her rightful damn screen time!

Oi, Brian, shut the f(buy some apples!) up! I don’t need you to fight my damn battles for me you pompous prick! And you! Shut the hell up and get out of my damn segment! This is my segment, and I’ll kick your sorry ass if you don’t get out right now!

... Yes ma’am. I was leaving to go teach them how to make homemade pizza anyways, so bleh!

Yeah... really mature, sticking your tongue out like that. Oh well, considering that you are only six, I suppose that’s to be expected.

Ha! Hey Fluffy, want some ointment to go with that burn?

... Brian?

L-leaving right away!

... Morons. Ugh. Now, where was I...

I could smell them on each other, but not like... you know. Even if I hadn’t known before, it was easy to smell that they were a couple. Not that I could see what that muscle-bound lug saw in that mess of a mare, but whatever. I’m not stupid enough, let alone bored enough, to start messing around with their relationships just yet.

Let’s see, what to do, what to do... Well, I’m bored, so I guess it’s time to run. They said to make myself at home, right? Sure, whatever. If they didn’t, and they have a problem with it, then I’ll kick their ass, no problem. Stupid cat Pokemon or not, I’m still strong! I’ll show them! The stupid stats are just a game mechanic anyway! I won’t let someone else dictate what I can and can’t be!

I don’t know where I was going, but whatever. This castle place is freaking huge! As much as I hate being a cat, I was starting to pick up some speed! The world record for running was just short of 28 miles per hour, and I was going at least that! I was dodging around maids, guards, butlers, everyone!

Okay, I take it back. Being a Glaceon wouldn’t be all bad! I didn’t think about how being a cat would make me much more agile! Heck, I bet with practice I might even be able to run on the walls or something! Okay, so maybe that was a stretch, but hey! You never know until you try! Maybe I could even-

“Oof!”

Ah-ha-ow... Ow... Okay, who put a brick wall in front of me?! Someone better own up, or heads are going to roll!

“W-what the? Hmm? Out for a morning jog as well, are we?”

Okay... A white... damn, what’s a male horse... Mustang? Sure, let’s go with that. A large, white mustang with sweaty blonde hair is what I ran into. Guess I’m not the only one who likes to stay fit, but is he a stupid muscle builder, an adrenaline junkie, or doing it just to stay fit?

“Now, let’s see, either you’re running for exercise, or you’re running away from something,” he mused, panting lightly. “So the question becomes which is it?”

“Prince Blueblood, are you alright? We’ve received reports of a blue creature running around the palace reckless-”

Prince... Blueblood... Okay, really? That’s the best these ponies could come up with? I mean, he’s a prince. They least they could do is-

Wait a second... Prince... Well, that answers that. He’s exercising to stay in shape because it’s what others expect of him. Wow, I... Don’t know if I hate him or feel sorry for him, honestly.

“Your highness, step back! It could be hostile!” one of the guards said, shoving his spear towards me.

You want to shove a f(Buy some apples!)ing spear in my face on the off-chance that I am hostile? If I wasn’t before, I’m certainly pissed off hostile now, moron!

“Private Green Horn, what have I told you about using excessive force?! Put that spear away!” Blueblood barked at the guard, eyes narrowing. “She is a guest in our fair city of Canterlot, and shall be treated as such!”

Wow, they sure backed down fast. Wait, am I... growling? I can growl?! Okay, I need to find recording equipment STAT! If I don’t sound intimidating when I growl, then I’m going to learn how to make it intimidating!

Though, to be fair, the guard had looked a bit nervous when I started growling, so it had to be at least a bit intimidating. Score one for Jess!

“Thank you! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re late for brunch! Milady?”

Oh, crap, Blueblood is waiting for me come along? Wait, he... Oh that bastard! Either I come along, or I prove his story wrong, and I get in trouble. The Tralk.

I shook my head to resettle those stupid crest things, before walking past the jerk with my head held high. He wants to pretend? I’ll pretend! Then I’ll get back at him when he doesn’t expect it! And then I’ll-

“Would you care to shower first, Milady, or would you prefer to eat first?” Blueblood inquired politely, opening the door to his suite.

Alright, I’ll admit, I was actually really, really impressed! It was so... so... Spartan! I mean, there wasn’t much in the way of furniture, and what I did see was fairly well-used. There were several bookshelves of tomes and scrolls, though there were several rather plush rugs on the floor. Peeking into the bathroom, it was much more extravagant. I saw enough bottles and candles and oils to stock a small spa, a number of very fluffy towels, and other hygiene products.

“I uh, apologize if my room is a bit... plain,” Blueblood spoke up quietly, drawing my attention. “I don’t exactly entertain many guests who care what my room looks like, if you know what I mean.”

That gave me pause. Now, I’m not the type to think things through too deeply, okay? Takes too much time and effort. But... When I heard what Blueblood said, something... I don’t know, clicked?

I know I didn’t know the whole story, but I knew enough. After I get cleaned up, I’m going to whip him into shape! Screw the language barrier! He is obviously not a mustang, but when I’m through with him, he will be masculine enough to stop being such a p-

.o.O.o.

Mmm... so warm... I had a nice, warm blanket, and several soft, fuzzy pillows... Who needs more than... Wait, did my blanket just move?!

My eyes snapped open, though my body remained frozen. I looked around slowly, seeing the yellow horse-

We went over this, Fluffy. They’re ‘miniature horses’... I think. That, or ponies. Take your pick.

Hmm... Let’s go with ponies. These look like what little girls would ask for, right?

Sure, let’s go with that.

So yeah, the yellow one was curled up right next to my chest, apparently using my mane as a blankey, while using one of my forepaws as a pillow. On my other side, curled up next to my stomach, was Sweetie Belle, using my tail as a sleeping bag. (Which, I have to admit, was really freaking cute.) So what was that weight on my... Oh. Scootaloo must be sprawled out on my back. Well, at least she’s soft, and fairly light.

So what was...

“Oh, you’re awake?” I turned to see a purple unisus walking to the door, obviously preparing to leave. “Better not wake them up. Trust me, you don’t want Rarity waking up before she’s had all of her beauty sleep. It’s not pretty...”

I did not need to see her shudder to know she was serious. I already figured she was the kind of... lady that needed her sleep.

Lady? Really? She’s a pony. You’re going to call a-

Yes, because I want to freaking live, okay? They can enter my freaking dreams, okay? I don’t need them figuring out how to read my mind and decide to kill me for being disrespectful or something! So, yes, I’m calling Rarity a lady. You wanna go suicide, fine, go ahead! I won’t miss you that much! If you’re that stupid, then I don’t want you around anyway!

“Anyway, before I go, I’m Twilight Sparkle, but you can call-”

Must not... make... joke... Must... resist...

Brah, just admit it. You’re screwed. There’s no way you’re going to last very long. Just admit defeat! There’s no shame in knowing when you’re beat!

Challenge accepted!

“So... Like vampires at all?”

Pay up!

Totally worth it! I regret nothing!

“... Alright, first thing I’m doing in my spare time is figuring out a translation spell, and slash or teaching you how to read.”

“I know how to read!”

My eyes widened before I slapped my free paw over my mouth, glancing at Sweetie Belle, but luckily, everyone was still asleep. I glanced back to Twilight, who had a thoughtful frown. At least, I hope it was a thoughtful frown...

“You... Okay, wait, yes and no questions. Right,” Twilight said to herself, trying to calm herself. “You don’t want to learn how to read?”

I blinked, not knowing how to answer. If I said yes, then that would be saying I couldn’t read, but if I said no, then she might think I’m a mindless brute! Ugh! This is a bad start to the day...

“Okay... Umm... Do you already know how to read in a language?” Twilight asked slowly, scratching her chin.

I almost answered verbally, but remembered not to speak when Scootaloo snored, choosing to nod instead, before I realized something. Wait a second! Why am I not allowed to speak when Twilight is? That’s not fair!

Life’s not fair, moron! Get the damn memo!

I know life’s not fair, but why can’t it ever be unfair in my favour?!

Because shut up, that’s why!

Hey, that’s not very nice! You shouldn’t be such a meanie-head McMeanie Pants to Fluffy, Brian! You’re supposed to be friends and stuff, being in his head and all! Pinkamena and I don’t fight, right Mena?

... Pink, shut up. I am not your friend. Now get the hell out of his head, you’re going to drive him insane! Besides, I thought we agreed that I was the one who got to drive ponies insane! Promise breaker!

Y-you... You’re a mean, jerk-face, Mena!

… Yep, it’s official. I’m going insane. only Pinkie Pie can travel through time, and get inside my head. Somehow... Whelp, may as well get out the popcorn and enjoy the descent into madness. If you’re going to do something, may as well do it the fun way! Though I better get me some C-4, just in case I start to doubt myself.

“Oh! Well, assuming it’s okay with you, I’m pretty sure we’re going to be moving back to Ponyville in the evening, so we can figure out stuff later. Don’t want to wake them up, after all. Don’t cause any trouble, or you’re going to be sorry, got it?”

I gave a lazy salute with my free paw, settling back down to see if I could get any more sleep. Not like anything crazy would happen if I took a simple nap, right? it’s still early in the morning...

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now, but, sadly, I am not what you would call a fast learner with some things...

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

“Mmm... So soft,” Sweetie Belle cooed quietly, scooting closer to Fluffy. Despite her tiredness, she blearily opened her eyes, peering around to see if she could keep dozing or not. Having a pet was freaking amazing! No wonder everypony had one!

“Fluffy, you’re the best pet ever,” Sweetie Belle chirped softly, snuggling the dozing Flareon.

Scootaloo snorted, causing her to wake up sluggishly. She yawned widely, blinking owlishly as she tried to stretch, but ended up falling from her precarious perch, rolling over to fall on Applebloom, waking her up as well.

“Ah’m up, ah’m up,” Applebloom mumbled, trying to curl back up. “Don’t eat my pancakes...”

“Pancakes? I like pancakes! Where are they?” Scootaloo asked, swallowing down a yawn.

“Huh? Oh yeah, right. Not on th’ farm,” Applebloom grumbled, stumbling away from Fluffy. “Hey, Sweetie, how about sharing some of that tail?”

“Umm... Guys?” Scootaloo asked, pointing at Kaye. “What’s that? Why does it look like a miniature, pink version of Fluffy?”

Applebloom blinked, before her eyes widened in horror as she glanced at Fluffy and Sweetie Belle. She tried to talk, but instead executed her best fish imitation.

Sweetie Belle popped her head up over Fluffy’s back, staring uncomprehendingly at the pink Eevee. “Umm... Why is there a filly Fluffy there?”

Scootaloo thought for a second, before coming to the same conclusion that Applebloom had, her eyes widening. “N-no way! S-Sweetie Belle, you had a foal!”

“What?!

As Sweetie Belle stared at the sleeping animal, her mind raced, before understanding how Applebloom and Scootaloo came to that conclusion. “N-no way, that’s not possible! Rarity said that two ponies had to be in love! I mean, I love Fluffy, but not like that!”

“Sweetie Belle is a mom,” Applebloom said numbly, her brain trying to process the information.

Scootaloo was also silent, before asking innocently, “So, does this make Applebloom and I aunts? Because if we’re not, I totally call dibs on being its Godmother!”

“B-but I’m too young to be a mother!” Sweetie Belle wailed, starting to hyperventilate. “I can’t take care of a foal! I have school to go to! Rarity doesn’t even have a foal yet! What’s she going to think?! She said it was bad to have a foal if you’re not married! I’m going to be shunned, and then ostracised, and then shunned in the place I’ve been ostracised to, and, and, and I don’t want to be an ostrich!”

“We... We... We have to tell Applejack and Rarity!” Applebloom declared, trying to stay reasonable. “They’ll know what to do!”

“R-right! Rainbow Dash will know what to do!” Scootaloo agreed, rushing off with Applebloom, leaving behind a freaking out Sweetie Belle, and Fluffy, who was only just re-waking.

Applebloom and Scootaloo burst into the next room, their shouts dying on their lips as they saw Applejack and Rarity sleeping next to each other. (1)

“Applejack and Rarity are going to have a foal?!”

“Gah!” Applejack and Rarity both woke up with a start, falling to the ground in a daze.

“Ah-ah’m gonna be an aunt!” Applebloom declared, stunned. “What are aunts even supposed to do?!”

Scootaloo was remaining oddly calm, though that could be due to the fact that she was staring at Rainbow Dash with a thoughtful expression, wondering idly, “So does that mean I could have a foal with Rainbow Dash? That would be awesome!”

As Applebloom fought for her mind’s sanity, Applejack was the first to recover, groaning as she rubbed her back. “What’s this about foals?”

“Sweetie Belle had a filly, and now you and Rarity are going to have a filly, and I don’t know what’s going on!” Applebloom shouted, distressed.

“Sweetie Belle what?!” Rarity exclaimed, her eyes going wide. “That’s impossible! She’s too young! Besides, there aren’t any colts who-”

Rarity froze as her brain caught up to what she was saying. Sadly, it wasn’t entirely awake, and while she would apologize later, that still didn’t stop her brain from jumping to conclusions. “Fluffy! I’m going to end you!” she screeched, her eyes turning red with rage.

“Wait, Rares and ah are gonna have a what now?” Applejack inquired, her mind and body much more used to being awake that early in the morning. “Rares and ah can’t have a foal, Applebloom. That would require a stallion,” she deadpanned, rubbing the bridge of her muzzle. Her eyes, however, widened when she realized what Rarity thought happened, and what she was about to do. “Oh horseapples...”

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Okay, where the heck did everyone go? Applebloom and Scootaloo are gone, and Sweetie Belle is having a breakdown, so what’s-

Oh. A breakdown. Joy. Okay, time to try comfort her... Let’s see, how about we... stroke her mane? Yeah, I got no ideas. Still, better than nothing, right?

“Fluffy!”

I blinked, turning around. Having your name screeched at you is, generally, not a good sign. Seeing a woman’s face contorted in rage is obviously not a good thing. Having the stone floor crack as she stomps forward is, in general consensus, most decidedly not a good thing.

Now, normally, most males would agree upon one of several courses of action should such a situation arise. First option, is lie like a rug. You aren’t just a rug. You are the rug. Option two: don’t do or say anything that could possibly escalate and slash or make the situation worse than it currently is. Some men, including myself, call option two ‘Manikin Man’. Option number three is to run for your sad, pitiful excuse of a life, and pray like mad that she trips on something in the chase, and slash or that someone else attracts her ire before she catches you. Should any or all of the first three options fail, there’s always the fourth and fifth options, but they are almost always deadly. The fourth because it throws caution to the wind, suggesting you say anything and everything you want to about what you dislike about the woman, in the hopes that she gets so mad, she doesn’t know what to do with or to you, in which case you have a chance to either suggest a punishment than sounds horrible, but isn’t really, or gives you a second chance to run for your life. Option five is, some would argue, the coward’s way out, in that you kill yourself.

I, however, did none of those things, as I didn’t even know what it was that I had done wrong! How can I apologize for something I know nothing about, after all? So, stupidly, I opened my mouth, forgetting that she can’t even understand me.

“Y-yes?”

Now, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I don’t really remember a lot of what happened after that. Being in excruciating pain kinda does that to your other senses. From what others told me, here’s the long story short. Rarity used her magic on me to levitate me, and the minor pain caused me to struggle a little, because it hurt. F(buy some apples!) you, psychic moves! You suck!

So because I started struggling, Rarity started levitating other things she could find to hit me, growing irate. Something about fillies and taking and stuff. Hell if I understood what she was talking about!

So the more I fought against the pain, the more it hurt, I guess because she kept strengthening her hold, so it hurt more, so I had to try not to struggle even more against the pain, and cue the vicious cycle.

Rarity stopped, if momentarily, when Kaye, waking up in the middle of all the loud chaos, saw Rarity holding me and decided to, in her youthful wisdom, bite Rarity on the leg. While that disrupted her magic, it still left me upside down, falling onto the hard stone floor.

Now, the first thing I noticed, now that I had full range of motion again, was that the pain I felt, and was still feeling, well... different. I mean, you know how when you sprain your ankle, it hurt to walk? Sometimes you can’t walk at all? The pain was... different. Sorry, I just don’t know how to describe it. I mean, I could feel it; it was there, but I could kind of ignore it. Like, I could tell that I had hurt my leg in that fall, but I could still run at top speed without injuring it further. My only guess then, and even much later, was that it was just part of Pokemon magic. I mean, how could you send out a Pokemon to do battle with only one hit point left, and it didn’t suffer any stat decreases? I guess the pain is more mental than physical, or something.

Anyway, so I hurt, but I was able to stand up no problem. Sure, I was covered in dust and sweat. Sure, I guess I probably looked exhausted, but in all actuality, I wasn’t hurt that bad. Either that, or I was in denial. Quick, someone get me some floaties, cause I don’t know how to swim!

So, after all that, Applejack was able to calm everything down by explaining what happened. Now, I don’t know what everyone else did when they heard the news, because I was learning how to dull the pain in my head. Once I heard the explanation, however, I collapsed on the ground, wheezing in laughter. They thought that Sweetie Belle and I had... I mean, I guess I should be thankful that they are that innocent, but that... That was just freaking priceless! I’m almost not scared of Rarity any more!

I mean, okay, I was freaked out while she was yelling at me and hitting me and whatnot. I thought for, if only a second, that she was actually going to kill me! But now that I knew what happened, I could at least try to forget what she did, because she was just... yeah. Still, I uh, am never getting on her bad side ever, ever again, if I can help it. At least with Applejack I would have a chance to dodge!

So then I got uncomfortably swarmed by everypony, who were worried about me. I guess my laughing sounded painful to them or something. Heck if I know! Anyway, when they pulled away, however, Kaye had managed to climb onto my back, and was quite happily snuggling me, though I could hear her growling at Rarity whenever she tried to come closer. Dang, I had forgotten just how vicious little kids can be when they want to.

Sweetie Belle growled right back at Kaye, butting heads with her as she squeaked, “Hey, Fluffy is my pet! Go find your own!”

“Nu! He, he bees my Fluffy!” Kaye growled back, though it sounded kinda... you know, cute? I mean, come on. She can’t be more than six or seven, so her growl is about as intimidating as a baby bunny rabbit. “You can’t has him!”

“Kaye, I’m three or four times as old as you are,” I deadpanned, glancing behind me. “You can’t own me in any sense of the word.”

Kaye’s ears folded back as she wilted on my back. “B-but, but I... I...” She sniffed, then started to cry, holding onto my back tightly as she whimpered. “I don’t wanna be alone anymore...”

I saw Sweetie Belle shuffle a little nervously, but she kept her serious look, at least for the most part. However, everyone, aside from Sweetie Belle and Kaye, turned when they heard and saw Princess Luna enter the room, followed by a white Umbreon with sky-blue rings. The second she saw Kaye on my back, crying, her wings flared as she demanded, “What hast thou done to upset Kaye? Who hurt her?!”

I sighed, then gestured to get Luna’s attention. It’s pantomiming time! I gestured to Kaye, then to my head, then to her again, then made a grabbing motion with my forepaws, followed by pointing to myself.

“Umm... She hit her head when she tried to give thou a hug?” Luna guessed, tilting her head.

“Of course not, silly filly!” Pinkie Pie chirped, popping her head around the doorframe of the next room. “It means that little Kaye wants to own Fluffy as her pet, because she’s been really, really lonely, and Fluffy was one of the first people to be nice to her, so she’s really attached to him now, cause she doesn’t want to be alone anymore and stuff.”

Everyone blinked and stared at Pinkie Pie, who just blinked right back. “What? It was totally obvious! Look at how clingy she is! She’s scared and lonely, and she trusts Fluffy. It’s simple psychology!”

Kaye sniffed, then looked up slowly, watching the Umbreon warily, who had padded closer, his head tilted to the side in curiosity. “So you guys got turned into animals too? I was afraid I was all alone... My name’s Moonstone. What’s yours, little one?”

Kaye sniffed softly, then sullenly answered, “I’m Kaye... Whai is you all white, Mista Moony? You’s, you’s is supposed ta bees black!”

“I am?” Moonstone blinked, looking at himself. “Oh... Sorry... I’ve always been white... I-is that going to be a problem?”

Kaye sniffed, watching Moonstone with watery eyes, before starting to giggle at how ashamed he looked. “You, you is some sort of a weirdo, mista Moony... I likes you. Will you be my friend?”

No way... Was I really going to get lucky an-

Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Fluffy! You’re going to jinx it!

... Yessir...

Moonstone blinked several times, before shuffling nervously. “I... I don’t know... You really want me to be? I’ve been told I’m bad luck...”

Kaye frowned in thought for a moment, before nodding, jumping from my back to this ‘Moonstone’, hugging his back. Moonstone looked shocked, staggering a bit, before looking at her, a puzzled look on his face. Kaye just snuggled into his coat, before giving him an innocent kiss on the cheek, giggling when his face turned red.

Everyone else just stared at the two Pokemon, trying to figure out what all had been said. When my stomach growled, I realised that it had been over twenty-four hours since I last ate... Now, if I hadn’t said it before... I’m fat, okay? I like my food! I did my best to whimper, whine, whatever you call it, and I guess it worked, because I was suddenly being hugged by the three fillies, who then, I’m guessing, used puppy eyes on the other adults, because they all shifted uncomfortably at the same time, before Princess Luna said, “Come, We shall break our fast in the dining room!”

Starting to lead the way, I quickly bounded forward, not noticing that Sweetie Belle had chosen to use me as a moving chair. She was heavy, but luckily, and perhaps partially due to how much larger I was as a human, but I was able to carry the filly, if only barely. Besides, I wasn’t going to complain. I was getting food! Who cares about a little bit of extra exercise when there’s food afterwards?




(1) In reality, they were several hoof-lengths away from each other, but to fillies, sleeping in the same bed counts as sleeping ‘together’.













> Chapter the Seventeenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary Journal,

For whatever reason, Princess Twilight Sparkle, a purple ‘alicorn’ (apparently, they’re called alicorns, not unisus or pegacorn) wants us to keep a daily record of what happens from day to day in our own words. I guess that makes sense from a psychological point of view. If anything else, at least I won’t forget how to write. The princesses (despite having three princesses, they have no king or queen, yet the kingdom seems to run fairly smoothly. Well, who am I to judge, when my own country’s governmental system is so messed up?) said that they would try to figure out a spell to take us back home, but it would take awhile. One thing that reassured me, though was that there was a time difference between the worlds, partially because of magic, and partially because of gravity wells. (Since science has proven that gravity actually affects time.) I wasn’t exactly paying attention, since someone had to occupy the Cutie Mark Crusaders, which is what Sweetie Belle and her friends call themselves, to keep the castle intact. 

I’m just glad that Moonstone, or ‘Moony’ as Kaye calls him, is more in charge of Kaye than I am, because her plus the CMC would have been...

Anyways, nearly ruined a mare’s life by showing up at the wrong time. Apparently mental illnesses are fairly rare in Equestria, so the princesses are actually in charge of officially discharging ponies from the hospital, since, if they weren’t joking, alicorns are apparently immortal. I don’t know to what extent, but that’s what they claim.

So Whispering Wind, who had been nicknamed Screwloose, was waiting in a side-room to be interviewed by one of the princesses to be discharged, when the CMC dragged me along into the room playing one of their games.

Poor mare thought she was going insane again, or was sick, because, and I still can’t believe it... She can understand Pokemon!

I don’t know everything, but I guess ever since she was a filly, she could see and hear some ghosts, apparently, and that had been why she had been put away, but once Luna had calmed her down, and the two of us started to ask some questions,  Luna sent for Twilight. Once the mare was reassured that she wasn’t crazy, Twilight wrote down everything, recording what I said, having the mare repeat my questions word for word, before she could answer them. 

It was then that I found just how... idealyc Equestria is. Wind, as she said she prefered to be called, was not just reimbursed for the time she spent in the hospital, taking medicine that she didn’t need to take, thus making her act oddly, but also practically made her a noble on the spot for helping in large strides in pony science, or something. In America, you’d be lucky if you got an apology, and less than minimum wage for the time you spent in jail for something you didn’t do. 

So yeah, she came back with everyone to Ponyville, so that Twilight could attempt to figure out a translation spell, using Wind as a control. Princess Luna also decided to join everyone in Ponyville, saying that she needed to protect the town in case the crazy Pokemon from before tried to come back, but I know the real reason. Kaye is most attached to Luna. She might like me, as well as Moony, but Luna seems to be her mother figure. I don’t know what happened to Kaye in our world, but I have my suspicions. 

Anyway... Ponyville. A pretty small town, surprisingly. We got a tour of the... Oh, right, we. There’s not many of us, but I can already tell that this town is going to become chaotic with us here, if it wasn’t already. There’s Cerulean, a Totodile. Meis, ironically enough, is afraid of heights, and is a Taillow. Name rings a bell, but I can’t remember from where or what. Moonstone used to be a pony, if he’s to be believed, and got turned into an Umbreon. The insane Glaceon, who still loathes the sight of me, said her name was Crystal. I... suppose I could think of some worse names.

Like Fluffy?

Brian... Shut it. Writing a journal, and I don’t need ponies thinking I’m crazy for talking to you in said journal.

So anyway... She insulted me, I ignored her, and life went on. Laughed my butt off when Kaye ninja-glomped her out of nowhere, though. That was freaking priceless! 

So, Cerulean had been ‘adopted’ by Pinkie Pie, since she already had a pet alligator, apparently, so that meant she had the most experience if something went wrong, or Cerulean got sick or something. Rainbow Dash, a blue pegasus with hair to match her name, was originally going to take Meis under her wing, but when he refused to fly, Fluttershy took him instead, saying she had a lot of land-bound avions already, so Meis would fit right in. Kaye and Moonstone, it seems, at least for now, are both under the protection of Princess Luna. 

Crystal is staying with some stallion who calls himself Prince Blueblood. Seems like a pompous ass. Makes him a good fit for her.

I get to stay with Sweetie Belle and Rarity, though I’m sleeping in Sweetie Belle’s room. Rarity was indecisive about allowing me to sleep on Sweetie’s bed, as apposed to getting my own basket, or... whatever, but Sweetie was able to pout her way into making/letting me be her personal teddy bear. I would be apprehensious, if she hadn’t already slept with me, and proved that she isn’t the cuddle/choke someone to death in their sleep' kind of kid, so worst case scenario, I get used as a blanket, and get drooled on.

Not worried about drool because Rarity has a freakin huge bathroom... I’m going to love it here, I’m sure.

Oh, right, I almost forgot... Not sure how to deal with Opal, Rarity’s cat. Aside from some feral cats, I’ve never had a cat not like me, so her reaction to me... well, it hurt. In more ways than one.

Overall, crazy day, but I can tell the upcoming ones are going to be even more crazy. Should be a lot of fun!

Signed,

Simply Fluffy






Dear Stupid Personal Record of My Thoughts,

Life sucks. Life will never not suck. Life will never not suck except in the possibility of life sucking so badly, it sucks itself, creating a full circle of sucking, in which I am in the middle of, and shall never escape. 

Come on, I get turned into a gay Glaceon?! Ugh! Even freaking Vaporeon would have been better than that! Worst part is that a jerk of a jock got Flareon, and then insulted it! Once I’ve had a chance to train, I am kick-dropping that jerk’s ass so hard!

Still, at least I was able to ditch that stupid couple. Mare was a mess, and I know I would have killed her inside of a week if I had stayed. I should be able to focus on whipping Blueblood into shape, though not being able to talk will certainly make it a challenge. Still, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right, so God help me, I will turn that mustang into a stallion!

So, long story short, after breakfast, and getting cleaned up, Twilight Sparkle... Just wow... What an unfortunate name... On the plus side, if I spend enough time here, I just might not think of that God-awful story when I hear the word Twilight...

So anyway, Twilight is a Princess, and from what I understand, only became a princess recently, where she earned wings for services rendered or something. Of course, it would be she that Blueblood has a crush on. Blueblood seems to be smart and stupid at the same time. He’s smart enough to know that she’s too good for him, but he’s stupid for not even trying to better himself, or trying to win her affection anyways! I stalked her for a few hours, and it’s fairly safe to say that she’d at least give him a chance, but after watching her interact with some of her subjects, she’s either the best actress in the world, or completely clueless when it comes to the opposite sex. 

Still, not all hope is lost. They’re childhood friends, and since it doesn’t look like he’s been friend-zoned, he’s got a pretty decent chance. 

But enough about the romance already! Time to talk training!

I’ve got a good exercise regimen set in place for tomorrow to find the limits of my strength and endurance in this body. I’ll figure out what need improving the most after I find out what it is I can do. I get the feeling my endurance and speed for running should still be good, but since this is a new body, it stands to reason that I should still be able to push myself further. 

I’ll write what I think about the others later. Don’t know enough to form an opinion, aside from the pink Eevee that calls herself ‘Kaye’. She’s a child that acts like a child, and shall thus be treated like a child until then. If anything else, at least she shall be useful for testing my vigilance. 

Until tomorrow,

Crystal















> Crystal Empire Questions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

First, if the chapter title didn't tip you off, this isn't an actual chapter, sorry. Just wanted to make sure I got the most input about this as I could. Now, here's the thing:

Well, first, since the last time I did this, I had a mini-rant, and some people unfaved/disliked the story and never came back, the story is continuing. This is NOT a cancellation, or... anything crazy like that. Next chapter is already at 3.2k words, and is likely to be a 'normal' chapter length for ME, which is 5-6k words. Should be out either tonight or tomorrow.

Now that your worries are done, I had a couple questions...

Obviously, Pokemon had shown up all over Equestria. I actually had a story idea for what happens in the Crystal Empire and the crazy Latias, but that brings up a couple of problems... 

First, do you guys even want to see it? It is NOT relevant to the actual plot of this story, but it would expand upon some things.

Second, if you do want to see it, do you want to see what happens there as an aside, like side-chapters, interludes, whatever you want to call it, on this story, or should it be its own 'story', for the people who don't want it cluttering the (mis)adventures of Fluffy and Crystal and Co?

I guess the big part of that is... If you guys do want me to do it either way, it's going to cut into the time I have to write this. Now, I wouldn't mind horribly if someone else felt brave and wanted to try to write it instead. I'd be willing to help, give them my story idea(s), and try to help them in most any way I can, within reason.

So... Yeah. Tell me what you think about that, thanks.

Okay, and nextly-

Nextly isn't a word...

... Brian, shut up. I say what I want!

*Ahem*  We won't be getting to the 'adventure' part of the story for awhile. How much does/will that bother you? Each 'chapter' will be a day or more, with time skips here and there, which is why the larger word count. Every chapter at least one character will learn a new move, as well as character development as ponies/Pokemon work on communicating, becoming friends, stuff like that. 

Umm... Yeah. Sorry for the disappointment of this not being an actual chapter, but I swear it's coming, and it's already getting to be a good one, so I must ask your indulgence for just a little while longer. I'm doing my best to make the longer chapters worth it!
> Chapter the Eighteenth Part One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, if being pampered like this is what it means to be a ‘pet’ in Equestria, I am in no rush to head back home. Sweetie Belle used my tail as a blanket again, but I didn’t really mind. Apparently, Rarity makes sure that Sweetie Belle takes a nice, long bath every night, and has... I don’t even know how many kinds of conditioners and shampoos for their coats, mane and tail, and so forth. I know I said it before, but it was really nice being able to take a bath, instead of just a shower. Back on Earth, I was so big I could barely recline in a bathtub, let alone lay down. 

So yeah, last night was relaxing, and, for like the first time since I was a kid, I actually slept all night. I’m not a morning person until I wake up, but when Rarity knocked on Sweetie’s door and woke us up, I actually felt energetic!

I jumped out of the bed, or rather, tried to, only to land flat on my face. Sweetie Belle was still latched onto my tail, whining that she needed five more minutes. Ignoring the giggling sadist still in the doorway, I backed up onto the bed, and then turned around to face Sweetie Belle. 

Alright. It was time to assert myself! It was time to show her that I was not just a pet. I’m a person too, dammit! And you will treat me as s-

Help! She’s got me in a choke hold! I’m running out of air! Lungs... failing... Arms... too weak... Brian... status report!

Urgle wrubfnwoer...

I’m not even sure how I did it, but eventually I broke her hold on my neck. Of course, she just switched back to my tail, but that I could deal with. After regaining my breath, I realised that, sadly, just because I had switched bodies didn’t mean that I was physically fit. Now, it should hopefully be easier to lose weight since I was smaller now, and from what I had seen, their food overall was more healthy, but I was going to need a lot of exercise to lose weight and build muscle.

As I stared at Sweetie Belle, I had an idea.

It was a terrible idea... Fluffy the Flareon had a terrible, awful idea...

Brian, I don’t need you quoting stuff, okay? Was it my brightest idea? No, but at least it was an idea, which is more than I can say you came up with! A stupid idea is better than no idea!

Uh-huh... Keep telling yourself that. You just might start to believe it.

Anyway, I eventually decided that it would be brilliant to carry Sweetie Belle around. After all, that should strengthen my legs, and give me endurance, right? So I shoved my head under her belly, and wiggled forward. Once I was far enough forward, Sweetie Belle was forced to release my tail, must to my relief. She whimpered slightly, waving her hooves around for a moment, searching for something else to grab. Eventually she put her forehooves around my mane, and I was grateful that she didn’t seem to be as heavy as I first thought.

Not that I was deluded. I knew she would become heavy in no time, but at least I wouldn’t be totally drained in five minutes and then be worthless for the rest of the day. I jumped down to the floor, however, and my legs buckled. I didn’t collapse entirely, but I was close. The first few steps I staggered a little bit, but I was able to adjust to her weight eventually. Of course, that’s when I got to the stairs...

Ohhhhh do I loathe stairs... Anyone who has ever played a certain game, starting in final, and ending in fantasy, with the number seven thrown around in there somewhere knows why I hate stairs... That, and because I’m trying to carry a freaking heavy package on my back. I took a deep breath, then crept my way down the stairs.

Granted, I was panting heavily, but I did it! Is it sad that I was proud of myself?

Yes

I wasn’t asking you. Shut up.

“Mmm, Rarity? Why’s m’ bed moving?” Sweetie Belle mumbled from my back, still not entirely awake, I suppose.

“Because, apparently, Fluffy decided to be a gentlecolt and carry you down to breakfast.” Rarity set three plates of food on the table, smiling as she levitated Sweetie Belle from my back. “Now what should you say, Sweetie?”

Sweetie Belle yawned widely, pawing at her eyes as she woke up. “What?”

I saw a kitchen sink, and my thoughts went out the window. See, I wouldn’t consider myself truly OCD, or a germaphobe, because I do stuff that gets me dirty, and I can ignore washing my hands when I need to, but I do enjoy washing my hands. Then again, I like the cold period, so that’s probably why I like to wash my hands. I use cold water.

So I’m washing my front paws calmly, right? Luckily, since ponies are in the same position as I am by being quadruped, the sink was designed to allow ponies to lean forward in such a way that they can calmly wash their forehooves. (Found out the plural of hoofs yesterday was hooves. The more you know!) So I’m washing my paws, and I get a song stuck in my head. You know the one. So I start to bounce along absently, my head going one way while my hips swayed the other.

No, I don’t know why I do, I just... do it. It’s habit, okay? Music is life! The rest is just details. I was in band all throughout middle and high school, so I was fairly conditioned. 

“It’s so hypnotic...”

“... It’s cute.”

I blinked, confused, turning to look over my shoulder, to see Rarity and Sweetie Belle staring at me, watching as my tail swished back and forth to the beat in my head.

I stopped, embarrassed, waiting only a few seconds before they seemed to snap out of it. Rarity, I wasn’t surprised, composed herself with a cough, turning to the fridge to get some apple juice. Sweetie Belle, on the other paw, had, from where I don’t know, pulled out a brush, and was stalking me, murmuring, “Brushie brushie brushie brushie...”

“Er... S-Sweetie?” Yeah, I forget obvious stuff when I’m nervous, like her not being able to understand me. 

*squee*

As Sweetie started brushing my tail, I swear I could see little hearts emanating from her, but the... squeak, or whatever that sound was, hadn’t come from her. I glanced to the side, just in time to be blinded by a flash of light.

“Oh, that was simply marvelous! Now look this way, Darling, and show some more pizzaz! We need that attitude that says, ‘I am being brushed like a pet, but I do not care!’”

Well, that answers that. Apparently, Rarity was taking pictures. Act indifferent? Psh, girl, I can do that in my sleep! Covering my mouth with a paw, I decided to investigate, seeing as how there hadn’t been much time for it yesterday. 

For a kitchen and dining room, it was generously spacious. For a civilization that seems to be medieval in culture, I was impressed with the technology they had. I mean, they had refrigerators, microwaves, electric ovens... Maybe it’s sad that it impressed me, but I saw opportunity. With modern equipment, I can still cook! Score!

… What?! Guys can cook too, ya know! I’ve been cooking since early middle school, and I got really good! Well, okay, it’s not like I’m making my own recipes, but I can cook great food following recipes and tweaking them here and there! I’m quarter Italian and quarter German, so yeah, I know some good food! What’s the most scary recipe I know? I’m not sure you’re ready for that kind of information. It’ll make a lot of you shudder, and maybe even want to run from the room, kicking and screaming and fainting in horror!

You might not tell them, but I sure will! It’s Brussel Sprouts!

… Yes, thank you, Brian, for completely and utterly ruining any sort of build up I had for that. Thanks. So yeah, I know how to make brussel sprouts actually taste good. Heresy, I know, but it’s true! So yeah, I was looking forward to cooking! I love to cook! I just... don’t like cleaning up the mess I make whilst cooking...

Oh! Food, right! I turned to the table, my stomach reminding me that I was starfished. Ignoring Sweetie Belle’s protests about needing brushies, I walked to the table eagerly for food, blinking in shock when I saw what was being served.

Eggs? I mean, I was pretty sure that ponies didn’t eat meat, but really? Aren’t eggs meat? How can they eat it? I mean, toast and jam? Yeah, that makes sense, mostly, but what’s with the apple juice? Now, don’t get me wrong. Apple juice, aside from possibly milk, is my favourite drink of all time. I wasn’t protesting that so much as confused as to why orange juice wasn’t on the table instead, as that’s the more ‘breakfasty’ drink. 

My stomach grumbling loudly reminded me that I was hungry, so I sat down at the place that looked most likely to be the guest’s spot, but was instantly shooed away by Rarity, who placed me next to it instead. 

Now, I was pretty confused. See, two of the plates were made of fine china, and were, from my best guess, handmade. (Hoofmade, excuse me. Darn pony lingo is harder to learn than I thought.) The detail on the plates and glasses were extraordinary, and if there hadn’t been food in the way, I would have been tempted to lean in just to see if I could smell the flowers, or feel the vines around the edge of the plate. 

Sweetie Belle quickly took her place where I had been sitting, and it didn’t take more than a few minutes to find out why Sweetie Belle was the one who got a paper plate and cup. Her uh, ability with Psychic was, shall we say, somewhat lacking in control... That also explained why Rarity made nearly twice the amount of food truly needed, for when Sweetie Belle spilled food, or exploded it, or...

Look, there are just some things that don’t warrant explanation. It just... No. 

Dang, Rarity knows how to cook! She has to be as good as I am! Boastful? Who, me? Look, I was slash am fat, okay? I don’t have many skills, but the few I have I am damn proud of, okay? I can cook, I can clean, and I can do math and music and grammar. That’s about it. 

Rarity glanced at the clock, her eyes widening as she turned to Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie, Darling, you need to be getting ready for school soon. Scootaloo is going to be here shortly, and you still have to figure out what you’re taking for show and tell!”

“O-oh, right,” Sweetie Belle said, her head drooping as her ears wilted. “B-but what am I supposed to bring? I don’t have anything special, and I don’t have a special talent to show off yet, and, and-”

Show and tell? What, like having a big, fluffy, orange dog that is as sentient and intelligent as you ponies are doesn’t constitute for a good show and tell thing? Shows what I know! I would have thought it would be perfect for show and tell.

Shrugging, I placed my empty glass on top of my plate, then carried it gingerly to the sink in my mouth. I had to set it on the counter instead of in the sink, but it didn’t take long to fill the sink with hot, soapy water. Also, good to know that here in Equestria, they have similar products compared to back home, so it was a lovely lemon scent. I happen to be a sucker for anything lemon scented, so that was nice. At first glance, I didn’t notice any wash rags, but then I looked closer at my paw pad. I mean, it looked soft, yet still kind of tough, so that should work as a substitute if it’s clean, right?

Didn’t take long for me to test it, and sure enough, it worked! I was a little surprised that the water didn’t seem that hot, but I guess I am a fire type, so hot water shouldn’t-

… Huh... Now there’s a thought. Why didn’t the baths that I’ve taken so far hurt me? They were water, so even when they got cold, it didn’t bother me... Was it because it wasn’t rushing at me with force, and it’s the force that more hurts fire types? Why do fire types tolerate baths? What if a fire-type liked water? Would it still suffer from the double damage, or was that just a game mechanic to add some strategy to the game? I’m going to have to-

My thought process halted as I reached out for the next dish, only to find nothing there. I glanced to the side, but saw nothing aside from Rarity, who was gaping at me for some strange reason. I looked to the other side, wondering what I had forgotten, but there was nothing aside from dishes neatly stacked and waiting to be put away.

Confused, I quirked an eyebrow at Rarity, though it quickly faltered as she glared at me. I swear I could feel the ground shake slightly as she got closer, and I’m not sure if I was conscious of it or not at the time, but I’m fairly certain that my ears were flat against my skull as I wilted away from her wrath. 

Wild stab in the dark here... That china needed to be washed in a careful, special way, and I just totally ruined them. Whelp, been nice knowin ya, Brian.

Same to you, nerd.

Git.


Dork

Boys, boys, you’re both morons! Can I go home now?

... No, you can’t. You’re stuck here for the rest of your life, Crystal, so sorry.

I friggin swear, I’m kicking your ass when this chapter is done...

... And that’s different from any other chapter... how?

... Just shut up and finish the damn chapter.

“No! No! Bad Fluffy!” Rarity chided, using a small towel to whack me while I tried to block it with one of my forelegs. “You do not do dishes while in my house! Guests don’t do chores! Bad!”

I stopped cowering as I stared at her in amazement. Seriously? That was why she was upset with me? I... that... What?! I’m not a mindless pet, Rarity. I just... happen to be an alien trapped in yet another alien body and am currently unable to communicate with you effectively. That’s all.

“I can’t believe I didn’t think about that! Fluffy! You have to be my thing for show and tell! Please please pleaaaaaase!”

Don’t look, Fluffy! It’s a tarp!

But... but she... But I... I have to look! She’s begging me! I... The cuteness is calling to me!

There’s no way I stood a chance, but then again, I didn’t really expect to stand a chance. But you know what? That’s alright. Time to see what Equestria’s school system is like. Should be fun...

“Oh, Fluffy, wait a second, would you Darling?” I heard Rarity call after us. Dammit. I knew we should have moved quicker! Stupid short filly legs! Move faster! “I have a gift for you!”

I turned around, curious, when she attached a collar.

Yeah, that caught me off guard. 

At least it’s purple.

Dude, seriously? You’re getting a pet collar. How can you be okay with that?!

Be... cause it’s purple?

Yeah, okay, so I’m easily satisfied. Give me a break, okay? I like the color purple! It’s the color of royalty! Besides, if you look at it another way, I can’t really wear clothes, so it’s not like there are a lot of accessory options... to choose... Hmm...

Okay, I am going to figure out some good accessories, and I will figure out how to convey to her what they are, and why I need them. In the meantime... 

“Sweetie, come on, we’re gonna be late!” Applebloom shouted from a red wagon.

Wait, a red wagon? As I looked out the front door, I was surprised, though I suppose I shouldn’t have been, what with how crazy these ponies are. Scootaloo was on a, you guessed it, scooter, and attached behind it with what appeared to be a jump rope, was a red wagon. Well... I mean, I guess if it works, that is a fast way to get around, but I’m not so sure that’s safe.

“Come on, Fluffy, we’re gonna be late!” Sweetie Belle said from the back of the wagon as Scootaloo began to propel the crusaders forward.

Oh crap! I can’t be late for my first day of school!

... You realize you graduated from high school, like, three years ago, right? You’re a college student, and most of the professors don’t seem to give a damn if you’re late, so why are you freaking out?

Um, duh? Because I’m representing Sweetie Belle! If I’m late, then she looks bad! Come on, Brian, get your head in the game!

Scootaloo had a decent head start on me, but I did have the advantage in that she had to get up to speed, whereas I could start running full tilt right off the bat. I almost did, until I remembered that I had no clue where their school was, and thus needed to follow, not lead. It was certainly... interesting, to say the least. Scootaloo seemed intent on taking every shortcut she could think of, every jump she could make from a ramp, intentional or not. 

Obviously her special talent will have something to do with extreme sports, or moving. Damn... Must be nice, having one thing that you’re amazing at, and you know what you’re amazing at... Not having to stumble around for long, knowing where you’ll fit in society, get special training just for that... 

“Wow! Fluffy, I didn’t know you could run so fast that you make silver smoke! That’s so cool!” 

I slid to a halt, wincing slightly at the pressure that put on my paw pads, but it swiftly faded. Glancing to Scootaloo, I quirked an eyebrow, having no clue what she meant. A silver streak? I mean, in the show, Quick Attack sometimes had a silvery-white afterimage thing followed the Pokemon, but we weren’t going that fast! 

I opened my mouth, but a bell started to ring, causing the fillies to freak out. While Scootaloo and Applebloom rushed into an old-fashioned red schoolhouse, Sweetie Belle rushed to me, hugging me before bopping me on the head, scolding, “Now behave yourself! Don’t go burning down any more clubhouses, or... umm... Any other bad things, okay?”

I rolled my eyes, but I nodded, nuzzling her just a touch to reassure her. It was fairly clear that between her and her two friends, they got into a lot of trouble, so I could humor her if it would put at least one worry to rest about her getting in trouble.

As she ducked inside, I started looking around, but froze in excitement when I laid eyes on one of the most awesome, wonderful things that could ever possibly exist about elementary schools.

A playground...

Brah... she said-

’Not to get in trouble’. She didn’t say “Don’t move”, or “Stay here”, or... Whatever! It’s a playground!

True... Alright, but you better pay attention, brah! Don’t want to be late for Show and Tell!

Look, I realise that it might have been... juvenile, but...

Okay, what the hell am I saying? Any one of you would leap at the chance to play on a playground that’s the right size for you again! I was only, like, twenty or thirty percent bigger than they were, so everything was still big enough for me to play on. The only question was, what to play on first...

.o.O.o.

“... And so, that’s the reason why the chicken crossed the road. Any questions, class?”

Miss Cheerilee smiled at the class, practically skipping as she pranced back to her desk. As a filly she had found history dull, but now that she was a teacher herself, she prided herself on finding ways to make stories more exciting, and get the foals to interact with her.

To her surprise, all three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders had their hooves raised, and were being strangely well-behaved. “Yes, Applebloom?”

“Do ya know any legends ‘bout Pokemon?”

As the class burst into laughter, Cheerilee noticed that Applebloom didn’t wilt in her chair like she normally would when the class laughed at her or her friends, but rather sat up straight, strangely attentive. 

“What, going to try to get your cutie marks in being crazy like Screwloose?” Diamond Tiara said, her sides shaking. “Wow, you blank flanks must be desperate!”

“Miss Wind isn’t crazy,” Sweetie Belle protested, narrowing her eyes at the pale magenta earth pony. “Pokemon do too exist! Princess Luna-”

“How didst thou know We were here? We only just arrived,” Princess Luna frowned, poking her head inside the door.

“P-p-princess Luna!” Cheerilee stammered, bowing quickly. “Wh-what a surprise! To what-”

“We wished to obtain permission to make use of thine exercising equipment for Kaye and Moonstone,” Luna said. “Twilight said that thou had several of which would help test one’s dexterity and strength. Particularly something called a ‘jungle gym’.”

“You... want permission to use the playground?” Cheerilee asked, quirking an eyebrow. “I can’t say no, though I do ask that you allow the children to have access during their recess.”

“That is acceptable.” Luna nodded and turned to leave, when Sweetie Belle spoke up.

“Umm, Princess Luna? If you see Fluffy, could you tell him to come inside, please? It’s almost time for show and tell! Thanks! Tell Kaye I said hi!”

Several of her classmates began to talk quietly to each other, all asking the same question, when a white blur came tumbling past Luna, landing in a heap just next to Cheerilee, who managed to choke down a startled scream, not wanting her students to start panicking.

“Breon...”

Cheerilee never stood a chance.













> Chapter the Eighteenth Part Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the majority of the class erupted into chaos, panicking and running to the back of the room, Cheerilee, now having reason to panic, screamed, before rushing to her student’s sides, preparing to defend them if necessary.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, however, didn’t join their classmates, much to Cheerilee’s horror. Instead, they practically bounced up to the strange creature, surrounding it. “G-girls, get back from that! It could be dangerous!”

“Huh? Moony’s not dangerous!” Sweetie Belle said in protest. “He’s nice!”

“Indeed,” Luna agreed, nodding. “Though he is lacking in his ability to dodge Kaye.”

“W-who is Ka-”

“Vee!”

Half the class screamed again as a pink furball ploughed into Princess Luna, who staggered only one hoof’s distance before regaining her poise. “Kaye, what didst We tell you about fighting indoors? Now apologize to Moonstone for tackling him into the classroom and disrupting Mistress Cheerilee’s lessons!”

“F-fire! The playground’s on fire!”

Sweetie Belle growled viciously as she rushed out of the schoolhouse, followed by the rest of the occupants as she screamed, “Fluffy!”

.o.O.o.

Crap! Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap cr-

As much as I hate to break your pattern of thought... You really need to do something about that seesaw, brah. I don’t think that ponies can use one that is currently enflamed, but seeing all of the other crazy stuff they can do, it wouldn’t surprise me if they could...

I know, I know! I’m looking, I’m looking!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, and this was totally not my fault, alright? See, I was just taking a walk through the playground, right? To see what I wanted to play on first. So first I tried the swings, but found that it was much harder without being able to sit like a human, and I was not about to sit like that without... you know, clothes?

So then I headed to the jungle gym, but I was just big enough that I couldn’t really do much goofing off, so that was a bust. After that, I decided to just take an enthusiastic walk through the playground, in case I became inspired. So I was just walking along, when this gigantic, hairy, eldritch abomination from the very depths of Hell came along and nearly killed me!

So I tried to make the best of the situation: I burned it with fire. Lots and lots of fire. And that brings us to the part of my walk where I’m panicking about how to now put out said fire of the seesaw.

So let me get this straight... You were taking a walk through the playground-

An enthusiastic walk through the playground.

... So you were talking an enthusiastic walk through the playground, and you stumbled upon a gigantic, hairy, eldritch abomination, and so you freaked out like a sissy before killing it with fire.

Lots of fire.

Right... Lots of fire... And so you burned it to death.

Enthusiastically.

Yeah... Words fail to express just how... Wait, isn’t that a water pump right over-

I’m saved! Just gotta... What luck! There’s a bucket right there, too! Okay, just gotta fill it up... Yes, I’m saved!

I staggered a bit on the way back, but I was able to save enough water to put out the fire on the seesaw. As I watched the leftover water soak into the wood and slowly drip onto the dirt beneath, I had only one thought: I was saved!

“Ignis Fluffy Solaire Flareon, you’re so busted!”

I’m screwed! If I could see myself, I’m sure I paled a good five shades or more. You know you’re in trouble when someone uses your full... Wait a sec...

Since when was my name Ignis Solaire Flareon?

Wait, weren’t the first two her name suggestions way back when?

Err... I don’t know, sure?

She probably made up a ‘full’ name for you so that she can shout it when you’re in trouble. Good luck surviving.

... Gee, thanks. Yeah, I wish me luck too...

I grinned nervously and uneasily at Sweetie Belle as she stormed towards me, righteous fury in her eyes. I would have thought it insanely cute if I weren’t so damn nervous. 

“Just what do you think you’re doing?! I told you not to get into trouble! That means not setting stuff on fire!”

Fire, what fire? I don’t know what fire you’re talking about! Please, somepony, notice the lack of fire in the near vicinity so that she’ll stop being ticked at me!

“Interesting... Fluffy, didst thou set fire to this wood?” 

Oh shit! Princess Luna?! I am so royally screwed now...

... Please tell me you did not just say that...

Huh? Why? Why would you care if I... Oh... Well, that certainly gives that phrase a whole new meaning...

Swallowing hard, and ignoring the slowly growing crowd of foals from the school, I nodded, but was quick to point out the bucket of water and that the board was still dripping.

“Thine fire did not damage the wood at all.”

Say wat?

“But we all saw the fire,” Dinky said, protesting as she pointed at the scorch marks around the seesaw. 

“Quite,” Luna agreed, nodding as she sat down, ignoring Kaye as the Eevee started playing a game of tag with some of the braver foals. “But how didst Fluffy not destroy anything? What, exactly, were you trying to destroy?”

“Demon spawn from the depths of Hell that would make Cerberus play dead, demons wet themselves, and Hades go crying home to mommy!”

As I ranted and raged about the one creature that God should have never allowed to exist, I failed to not only remember that they couldn’t understand me, but also failed to notice some certain ponies sneaking up behind me carrying...

“Hey look, it’s Princess Luna! Maybe she’d want to see the spider we caught, mate!” a small grey pegasus colt exclaimed, nudging his earth pony friend covered in brown spots.

Yes, I screamed like a little girl. No, I feel no shame in admitting that. I jumped I don’t know how high into the air, screaming, before landing on all four paws, shoving Sweetie Belle in front of me as a shield, screaming, “Kill it! Kill it with fire!”

“Eek! G-get it away from me!” Sweetie Belle screeched, her hooves frantically trying to backpedal away from the small spider in Pipsqueak’s hoof. “Kill it! Burn it, fry it, get it away from me! Get a flamethrower!”

I’m sure my eyes went slightly glassy as I spaced out. I knew that Sweetie Belle hadn’t meant to give me an attack command, but as she did inadvertently, I could see in my mind’s eye how to perform a proper Flamethrower attack, and not that weak ember-like attack I did on the first spider.

Dodging around Sweetie Belle, I opened my mouth, took a deep breath, and then released it with... It’s hard to explain, really. I mean, you know how you can breathe with your lungs or with your diaphragm? Well, it’s kinda like that, but there’s another... Fire Pokemon, heck, maybe all Pokemon have some sort of variant, or a third option, I don’t know. All I know is I knew Flamethrower now, and I was not going to hold back! 

Of course, I didn’t mean to hit Pipsqueak and Rumble as well, (found out their names later), but even though they were bathed in the flames, they only got covered in soot. Their captured spawn from Hell, however, was promptly returned to the lake of fire, where it shall continue to roast for the rest of its undeath. Huzzah!

While everyone else gaped at the two colts who were now entirely black, I pranced back to Sweetie Belle, sickeningly proud of myself for having murdered the bane of my existence in one attack, and saving Sweetie Belle in the process. 

Fluffy - 2, Eldritch Demon Spawn - 0.

“O-oh my gosh! Rumble, a-are you okay?!”

I blinked as Sweetie Belle ran past me, stopping in front of the pegasus colt. “Y-yeah, just fine, Belle,” the black colt coughed, before shaking himself vigorously, a black cloud exuding from his body. “That... Umm... S-sorry I forgot you hate spiders...”

“Princess Luna, Princess Luna!” Pipsqueak exclaimed, bouncing forward. “Look, I’m all dark like you now! Does this mean I can be your guard in the future?”

“Like, seriously? You and that blank-flank are both scared of spiders? That’s, like, totally pathetic, right Tiara?”

… Oh, you did not just say that... No one, and I mean no one, scoffs at the fear of the abominations known to others as the dreaded ‘Spe-eye-der’! (I can only assume that Spe means eight, and der is an anagram of Demon Eldritch Revived, since they keep coming back, no matter how many times I kill the damn things!) 

Turning around to take a gander at who had spoken, I failed to choke down a snarl as I saw what were clearly two ‘popular girls’. They’re all the same: disinterested facial expressions, nose (or snouts, in this instance) in the air, and a general attitude of being holier-than-thou. Oh, and a condescending tone of voice, how could I forget?

The pink one with a crown thing on her head seemed to be the one in charge, since the silver one had deferred to her, standing half a pace behind. Ugh, it’s like looking at a young version of Miss Peacock from Clue (but without the proper manners and general politeness.) Horn-rimmed glasses and a large, fairly fake-looking pearl necklace. Either her father was rich, her boyfriend was rich, or... Nah, I doubt her mother’s dead, so it can’t be hers. Maybe an older sister she stole jewelry from? That happens, right? Sisters borrowing jewelry? Hell if I know! (I grew up with two brothers, so heck if I know what sisters do and don’t do.)

“Is it snarling at us?” the pink one exclaimed indignantly, glaring at me. “Sit! Heel! Stupid mutt! If you bite me, my daddy will make you pay!”

… Yeah, wow, I am so scared. I mean, what could possibly be more dangerous to me, a fire-breathing dog, than her father? Whelp, I guess I’d better just go ahead and surrender and grovel for my life, since I obviously won’t win in a fight against a rich jerk.

With a smug-ass deadpan, as I sat in front of them, I raised my right paw, then flexed my paw just so, revealing my claws. Now, it needs said that I don’t have claws claws, but all dogs, cats, and so forth have nails, so yeah. 

Oh man, their faces... Absolutely priceless! They ran away, screaming in fear, yelling that their dads would get me in trouble, and blah blah blah. I wasn’t really paying attention, because I was too busy laughing my furry butt off. At least, until a certain blue bitch of a fox decided to tackle the fluff right off me.

Oh, it is on! And there’s going to be hell to pay!

“What the hell is your problem?!”

Snark mode activated! “A train leaves Canterlot 	at a speed of 80 miles per hour. At the same time, The Friendship Express leaves Ponyville-”

She scratched me. Crystal just-

Okay, screw chivalry! She wants to play with fire, I’ll give her some freakin fire!

.o.O.o.

Yeah, that went well...

Oh shut up! You’re not the one who got into a fight... Why the hell did I even follow your advice?!

Okay, so here’s what happened. I mean, it all happened pretty fast, so sorry if my thoughts are a bit scattered. I had taken a breath to use flamethrower, figuring that would be an amazing place to start. Of course, you kind of need to be able to, you know, take deep breaths, and with her on top of me, yeah, couldn’t exactly breathe that well. Oh well, who needs fire when you can just use an old-fashioned Headbutt?

Got her off me, but if she was mad before, she was pissed now. I swear she snorted freaking ice! If I wasn’t just as pissed at her, I probably would have thought that was hot.

Sadly, hindsight’s a bitch. If I had thought a bit more about Flareon and Glaceon’s natural stats, I would have realized that, really, I didn’t have much of a chance, outside of the type advantage. See, Flareon and Glaceon have the same base stats for Hit Points and Speed, firstly. With how the rest of the stats are split up, her attack and my defense were equal, and my special attack and her special defense were equal. So really, the only advantage we each had over each other was that I had an extra twenty in my ‘base’ attack stat, and she had hers in her special attack comparative to our defense against those types of attacks.

tl;dr, she kicked my ass all over the field. Sure, she used physical attacks instead of special attacks, but there was no type disadvantage for her that way, and on top of that, she’s freaking fit. She’s like... Crap, think... Jillian! Yeah, you know, from Biggest Loser? She’s like Jillian levels of fit, and I’m... yeah, super fat. Doesn’t take a genius to realize that she’s going to win. 

See, I said we had the same ‘base’ stats, right? Well, levels aren’t really a thing, right? They’re just a game mechanic to show how a character is getting stronger, more experienced, and so forth. So with my being fat, and her being highly fit, it’s like a level five starter trying to fight a gym: you aren’t going to win.

I mean, not that she got away unscathed, but I definitely took more damage than she did. The only thing that saved me, really, was the fact that there were foals around.

I learned many things over the course of the day, but one of the most important I learned that concerns my safety... never, and I’m not one to curse, but I mean f(buy some apples!)ing never threaten kids when Moonstone is around. He might only be, like, fifteen or sixteen, but he will wreck your ever-loving freaking shit.

Now, I had always wondered about the move Protect, because, and correct me if I’m mixing moves up, but in the show, (Team Rocket) Jessie’s Wobbuffet knew both Protect and... Reflect, I think? And there was an episode somewhere where it kind of focused on how they both not only protected against physical and special attacks respectively, but also freaking reflected them back to their source!

Turns out, it works like the show... Well, either that, or Moonstone’s Protect did shit, because I definitely felt like I got run over by a truck. See, Crystal and I had charged each other at the end, and by that point, I was angry enough that I was able to use Flare Blitz to help with my speed. Well, right as we got close, all of a sudden Moonstone came bounding forward, and the air shimmered a little bit, then... Blackout.

*Sigh*

I am getting really, really bloody sick and tired of getting knocked out... I’m getting an entirely new appreciation for Pokemon, though, and how they’re treated...












> Journal Entry: Day 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Journal,

First, I need to freaking name you already! Lesse... Laptop is Yumi, car is Yara, phone is Astoria, iPad Mini is Aura... I think I shall name you... 

I paused in my writing, absently nibbling the tip of the quill. Hmm... Yuki, or Kyra... That’s a hard question! Gotta think about that one, partially because I was out of ink from the quill, (apparently, yeah, they don’t have pens, they have quills, but they have pencils. I am so confused...) so I asked Brian, Whatcha think, brah? Yuki or Kyra?

Tough question, brah... Can’t look up what Yuki means, since that’s almost definitely a Japanese name. On the other paw, it’s fairly similar to Yumi, so... Yeah. Let’s go with Kyra.

Alright! Kyra it is! Thanks brah!

It was irking to learn how to write with a quill, but hey! On the plus side, now I can say I can write with a quill like a pro! Admit it, you think that would be pretty cool, right? When I get back home, I am so buying, like... an eagle quill, or something else equally expensive. 

Kyra. So yeah, I hope you like your name! If you don’t, well... I guess there’s not much you can do about it, unless you can, like, I don’t know, use the ink I put onto the page to re-write with it and say something?

Of course, after writing that, I just had to stop writing to see, right? I mean, come on, it’s a world with real magic. For all I know, it could really happen in this world!

Alas, I guess it wasn’t to be... Oh well. At least I know I don’t have to worry about keeping Kyra in a good mood or something, or my stuff getting erased, etc. Still, that kinda killed my mood just a little.

So anyway, Kyra, today was kinda crazy... Took an enthusiastic walk, killed me a few Eldritch Demon Spawn, learned Flamethrower...

Woke up again, got treated to a spa, and...

HOE LEE SHEET... I am in freaking love with spas... Which is a good thing, since I might end up working there. I know, right? I never thought I’d work there, but see, the thing is... They’re ponies. They don’t really have many options for massages, since their hooves are hard. And I’m only slightly smaller than ponies here, and I have paws.

So yeah. I only have to take a couple of lessons, and after that, if they think I’m good enough, I have a job! Best part? They pay me in freaking gold When I get back home, I am going to be so freaking rich it’s not even funny.

Also, resolved to get fit. Shouldn’t be hard, since it’s pretty much all vegetarian here, no cars, have to walk everywhere, etc. Yeah, there’s still pastries and cakes and ice cream and stuff, but that has sugar. Sugar is easy for me to ignore, so... Wish me luck, Kyra! According to Rarity’s scale, I weigh about 5.2 stones. Had to do some math, but I think that a Flareon is supposed to be about... I don’t know, around four stones, I guess, give or take?

Anyway, it’s my goal to lose at least .1 stones a week. Need to talk to Jay tomorrow about helping at the orchard. I figure if I want to lose weight, working on a farm should do a bit, seeing as how Travis is so freaking ripped. At least, was. Haven’t seen him since High School, but I would assume he’s still ripped.

Anywhoozle, played with Kaye for a bit, then talked with Whisper for awhile, while Twilight tested out a spell for translating. I nearly died laughing when she tried to repeat what I said, but only said utter gibberish. Still, I think that Whisper is finally starting to relax a little bit. Then again, I’m sure she’s happy about her release.

Still, I need to find out what other abilities I ‘know’. I suggested to Whisper that she tell Twilight to ask for all of us to get together in a few days, so that we can try to name every single Pokemon attack there is, if only so that they can try to start to understand how the types work, unique uses for the attacks, practicality, and so on.

Odds are, Crystal and I are going to be the only ones who know our moves. Cerulean seems like a nice enough guy, but I don’t think he’s played many Pokemon games, or watched the show. Same with Triumph.

Know what’s awesome about Triumph? He actually understood the reference I was making! He just got a bit cooler. Of course, he hates the moniker, but come on! He actually understands the reference! Now I have to make it every time!

So yeah. Best part? The dude’s freaking Japanese! I swear, it’s like... He just got, like, a billion times cooler!

Moony seems... Well, I’ll tell you about him later. Don’t want to jump to conclusions about the poor guy. That would just be rude. So yeah. Night, Kyra!

~ Fluffy

.o.O.o.

Dear stupid writing thing.

Well, today was... interesting. Kaye managed to wake me up. A kid... Woke me up... before I normally get up. I just... I mean, I think I know what it is with her that makes her get up so early, but... Dang... Going to have to protect her... I refuse to let history repeat itself.

Went for a run with Blue, and met a couple of well-mannered fillies. It was refreshing. 

During the run ran into Fluttershy. Damn... Her name is so appropriate, it’s pathetic. Anywho, met Meis. Kinda sad that he’s a bird who’s scared of heights, but it’s not like he asked to be a bird, so I can’t blame him entirely. Besides, he’s Japanese. That’s awesome. Wonder if he’s read a lot of manga, or what kind of video games he plays. Didn’t have much of a chance to talk, since he didn’t sleep well.

Blue had tea with Fluttershy, so I got to observe him some more. Fluttershy seems like a good training partner for Operation Moron, so I’ll have to see what I can do. Change of plans, but it should hopefully help. 

On the way back, though, that...

Skipping that for sanity reasons...

So Moony knows or learned Counter, though, and that hurt like a bitch, so I’ll have to watch out for that in the future if I have to face him...

Talked to Vampire Bait afterwards. Told them what happened, so at least he’ll get in trouble. Asshole.

Spent some time blowing some steam at the lake, trying to learn more moves. Didn’t work, but practice makes perfect, so... Yeah.

Didn’t see Tododuck anywhere, but whatever. 

And that’s all I feel like writing about in this damn ‘diary’. Later, stupid thingy.

~ Jessie ‘Crystal’ Flamebrant









> That's How the Cookie Crumbles Part 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



Disclaimer: This chapter is, aside from the journal entries, and a couple other brief moments, told from the Point of View of Kaye. Improper word use is intentional, and may make your eyes burn a bit, and/or force you to think about what she meant. Reader Discretion is advised.



Dear Kyra,

Today was... Well, if I'm perfectly honest, I think that, sadly, this was a 'normal' day for Ponyville. Either that, or they have nerves of steel. Though, considering that they have magic, I'm guessing it's more 'normal' than anything. I mean, today was hard work for me, but with how much my muscles hurt, that's a good thing. Plus, I got a job, so I'll be able to start saving up for... Something. I'll have to see if I can take the money with me or not, because, unless there's something wrong with my eyes, they use actual gold! Even if I only got to take five coins that they call 'bits' back home, I'd be rich!

But anyway, what made today so exciting was a certain little Eevee that has no right to be that cute... nor that destructive...



“Come, Kaye, it is thine turn to talk to Miss Wind and answer Princess Twilight's inquiries about thine world. Dost thou not wish to be able to talk to your new friends at the school-house?”

I sighed, exasterbated that Aunt Loony just didn't seem to understand! “Nu-uh, is Mister Fluffy's turn! I'm not supposta go for 'nother fifty billion-trillion-fillion years! Plus tax!”

Yush! Aunt Loony is smiling! That means it's fun times again! See, I told Glenny that you just gotta be patient and be willing to exclaim things to adults, cause they just don't understand the important stuffs sometimes. Once you exclaim things patient Lee, then they's gonna change their minds! Satisfied that Aunty Lune understood, I jumped onto her back so that I could see betterer. She bees really really super duper luper tall! Plus her hair is all wavy and filled with stars! How does she does that? I want stars in my hairs too! Ish super pretty!

So while Aunty Lune bees walking, I gets to relaxify and stuff, and do fun things, like give my tail brushies! Having a tail is, like, the bestest thing ever in the history of things! A tail ish, like... Super floofy, and really prettyful, and can even grab stuff if you practice really long and hard! I’m gonna learn how to do that, cause that looks like fun!

So I was in the middle of giving my tail the brushies it needs to be as floofy as, as Unc Fluffy, which is really super hard, when Aunt Loony dropped me onna ground!

“Hey, that hurted!” I rubbed my leg with a paw, before seeing the conditioner of my previously brushied tail. “Nu! My, my tail ish all dustified again! You, you ruineded my tail! Now I has to brushie it again before I can play!” Stoopid Aunt Loony, dropping me onna ground like that! That was just mean!

“Hello, little one! I’m Whispering Wind, but you can call me Wisp. What’s your name?”

I look up, an there’s another new pretty pony! Wispy? That, that sounds like she’s a cloud! But what kinda cloud is she? Polly Geara never saided much about the different kinds of clouds, so how’s I supposta know if she isn’t the kind of cloud that makes the thunder go kaboom? She could be dangerous!

“You know,” she said quieter, laying down on the floor next to me. “My favourite ice cream is mint. What’s your favourite? I promise I won’t tell anypony...”

Oh my goshness! Another pony who knows what bees most important! Looking around to see how far away everyone else was, I leaned up and whispered in her ear, making sure that, that my paw blocked the way. After all, five out of five friends agreed that was the bestest way to make sure dat adults can’t hear you! “It, it bees Cookies an Creames!”

“Cookies and... I’ve never heard of that kind before,” Wispy said, her ears deciding to take a nap. 

How, how can they never has heard of Cookies an Creames?! Dat bees horrible! “It, it bees eyes creame wiv lotsa Oreo cookies in it!” I exclaimed to her. 

“O-oreo? Is that a secret recipe?”

“Whut? I, I dun know... It comes inna blue bag, and it gots two chocolate cookies wiv frost in the middle!” They dun has Oreo cookies here? That, that’s depressed! 

“I don’t think anypony has invented those yet,” she said sadly, laying her head on the ground.

“Nu! No, no saddy faces! You dun wanna have The-The Sads, or else I gots to cure you, an I isn’t a birdy!”

“T-the sads? You’re not a birdy?”

I sighed, trying to have virtuals. Polly Geara always said that having virtuals is important, cause it detonates what you does when faced with right or left. “Yeah, I don’t cheep! So dun make me hafta curify you!”

“But if you don’t cure me, then what if I’m stuck like this forever and ever? That would be horrible, wouldn’t it?”

Hmm... She has a pointer... Besides I’s hungry! Gotta work if I wants to get paid! “Okies, I’ll fix you! I just needs a what is that?!”

Why does that always work? Miss Wispy turned around, fooled by my distracton, so I pouncified! “Tickle Tiems!”

It was a tough battle, The Sads putting up an admiral fight, but the power of teh tickling just cannot be stopped! Once she started leaking, I knew that I was victorious! “Ish you healeded of The Sads now, or does I need to-”

“N-no, no more! T-the sads are gone, vanquished, defeated, bye bye,” Wispy confirmed, still giggling like a hyena. Though, she isn’t as mean as a hyena... Or is she? Maybe I should askify her if she’s eber tried to hurt cute lions.

“So Princess Luna says your name is Kaye?” 

Well, if she knows Aunt Loony, then she’s not a stranger... “Uh-huh! And you, you’s Wispy.”

“That’s right! Bet you can’t guess how old I am, though.”

Oh no she did not! I, I’s smarter than that! I’ll show her! “Let’s see...”

Time to put on my thinking hat! Except that it bees back with Miss Polly Geara... I’ll just have to imagination I’s wearing it! “You, you is big...” Gotta make sure to lookit all angels and stuff. “You has super long hairs... No wrinkleses...”

Let’s see, what else... Oh! I know! I jumped onto her back, then started bouncing. “Weee! You, you’s strong! Dat means you must be... Umm... How long has you been older than ten?”

“About nine year... Oh, oh you’re good...” Wispy said, narrowing her eyes.

Not sure what else she said, cause I was too busy doing my victory dance! Dancing around, I shook my tail at her, singing my victory song! “Ah ah! Ah ah! Ah ah! Who’s the best? I’s the best!”

As I shook my tail at her some more, I came to a horrible realization. “Y-you’s nineteen! You, you is almost old! You dun cry youself to sleep, does you? No wonder you has The Sads!” Poor Wispy! She, she’s almost old! She, she needs a hug!

“I’m not that old!” Wispy tried to reassure herself, though she did accept my hug. “I mean, even if I had a filly of my own, she’d only be a few years old at the most! It’s not like I’m thirty, or forty, or something like that! I can still find a stallion...”

“... Now I really want to get that translation spell figured out,” a voice said behind me. I-I wasn’t startled! I was just, um, testing out my leg muscles! Yeah! I dun know how high I can jump, so I was just seeing how high I could go! Yeah! 

And that wasn’t a scream! It was, um... It was a... An excited explanation of how egg salad I was to meet new friends! Yeah. Cause I totally wasn’t scared! Only little kids get scared.

“Wow, you’re extremely athletic! Perhaps this species is related to felines? But the canines and shape of the tail suggests something more vulpine in relations... If Fluffy is correct, then this species must be an Eevee, but how do they spell it? How many e’s are there? Hmm...”

Wow, another princess, just like Aunt Loony! She’s even almost pink, like I am! So... why is she such a boring McNerd Head?

“So how old is ‘Kaye’, anyway?”

“Six anna half, but I’s gonna be seven next month!” I’ma big girl, I is! I even know some of the multiple numbers!

“You’ll be seven next month, wow!” Wispy said, clearly impressed. “So grown up already! Listen, we have some super boring stuff to do, but I promise that it’s important. So important, in fact, that we’re going to have to pay you! Did you already have breakfast?”

My poor tummy protected, yelling as loud as it could. Nuuuu, bad tumbily! You, you’s not s’posta be rumbly in lie berries! Ish rude! Big girls isn’t supposed to be rude! Now my face is all reddened, an Wispy is laughing at me...

“Well, tell you what. I’ll make my special cinnamon roll pancakes, and while we cook and eat you can answer a few questions, okay?”

“Hmm...” I tapped my chin, because that’s how you’re supposed to think seriously. Seven out of nine cartoons told me so! “Can I has icing too? Ish not cimmamin rolls if there isn’t any frostings too.”

“Hmm...” She tapped her chin too! She must be a super smart pony like me! I like her. “I suppose... But only if you tell me what your favourite color is.”

“Deal! Ish pink, just like starberry milks!”

“That’s my favourite drink too! Tell you what, go get washed up for breakfast, and I’ll have food ready for you on the table when you’re done, alright? Does that sound fair?”

“Yush! Yayificatons! I love love love cimmamin rolls! I, I gonna be super fast cleaning up! Fasterer than, than Sonic! I’ll show you!”

Yushness! I just gotta take a baff? I can bees faster than, than ledge frogs, just you wait an see!



Whispering Wind heaved a sigh of relief as the hyperactive filly ran off for the bathroom to get cleaned up. Only five minutes with Kaye had left her feeling drained, but perhaps some food would help. Good thing she had promised the little one some food, right?

“Have you made any progress so far, Twilight?” came a regal, mature voice behind her.

“P-Princess Celestia?!” Twilight jumped in surprise, her wings flaring out. “I-I didn’t know you… I mean I…”

Luna brought a hoof to her sister’s head, glaring with a hint of a smile as they started to bicker about proper etiquette on unannounced visits, even if they were supposed to be kept quiet.

“Um, Princess Celestia? Why do you have a large plate of cookies with you?”

“It’s quite simple, Miss Wind,” Celestia said as she popped a cookie in her mouth. “I happen to be quite fairly stressed, and as everypony knows, stressed spelled backwards is desserts! So there,” she said, sticking her tongue out before popping yet another cookie into her mouth, a faint ‘nom nom nom’ being heard.

“That….” Wisp blinked, thinking about it for a moment. “... That makes a strange amount of sense… Wait, so wouldn’t that mean that ponies get stressed because they aren’t eating enough dessert?”

“Which is precisely why I make dessert breakfast, my little pony.”

Luna took the platter away from her sister, setting it down on the table. “We have told thee that it ‘tis bad for thine health! And what of thine teeth? Thou-”

“Are such a worry wort!” Celestia retorted, sticking her chocolate spotted tongue out. “I’m a big mare, Lulu! You are such a mother hen!”

“Well at least We care about our figure!” Luna retorted, sticking her muzzle in the air.

“Oh no thou didst not!” Celestia retorted, her eyes burning.

“Oh wow,” Twilight said blandly, blinking as the two sisters started fighting. “Celestia reverted to… She must really be pissed. I’ve only ever seen her like this once.”

Wisp was about to reply, when she heard a quiet crunching sound originating somewhere behind her. Turning around, Wisp blinked in shock as a cookie just disappeared from the platter, going over the edge of the table. There was a quick munching sound, before another cookie mysteriously disappeared. Wisp narrowed her eyes, before jerking her head back in surprise as she saw a brief flash of pink. 

Suspicious, Wisp trotted on the tips of her hooves, as quietly as she could, peering around the corner of the table. There, sitting with a grin that threatened to tear off her face, sat little Kaye, inhaling each cookie with quick, calculated bites, hardly chewing before swallowing, another cookie ready in her paws. Wisp watched in amazement as cookie after cookie disappeared, the large pile slowly diminishing.

Wisp opened her mouth, but stopped as Kaye paused as well, head tilting this way and then that, staring at the cookie in apparent fascination. Wisp looked at the cookie closely as well, blissfully ignorant of the drool starting to appear. The cookie was utter perfection. The dough was a healthy, golden brown, just firm enough not to fall apart while being held, but clearly soft enough that the cookie would melt in your mouth. The chocolate chips were on the verge of melting, liquid enough to be ice cream, but solid enough not to drizzle out of the cookie. Each chip was clearly placed with a precision bordering on obsession, evenly spaced to get a mouthful of cookie and chocolate with every bite from the ideally circular cookie.

Wisp whimpered as Kaye ate it in one bite, barely savoring the flavor or texture of the cookies. How could she not taste the wonderfully abundant sugar and perfection of those cookies? It was practically a crime!

The ‘mental ward’, if it can be called that, while not ‘unkind’, they did limit or omit certain… luxuries that most ponies wouldn’t think to add on a list of their top ten most important items. Namely, sugar. While they do eat many vegetables and fruits, there isn’t a pony alive that doesn’t love a good sugar cube, or any pastry or dish made with sugar. And Wisp had been forced for a number of months to be sugar free...



I continued to ignore Celes as she ranted, though I did giggle as she continued to use old curses. Celes made fun of us for so long for not switching to ‘modern’ language, but we don’t care! Tis fun to rile her up so, and we can speak however we liketh!

“Thou art such a- an elderberry sniffer!”

We heard Twilight gasp, but we don’t know why. Tis not like such an insult was particularly bad. We prepared our rebuttal, when a strange noise attracted our attention.

*munch munch munch munch*

The three alicorns turned their heads towards the kitchen, where a mostly empty tray sat, barely more than a dozen cookies left. There, sitting next to the tray, happily munching away, sat Kaye and Wisp, the former sitting on the latter’s back as they ate the diabetes-inducing goodies. They paused in mid-bite as they noticed all the attention the three royals were giving them. It occurred to the two that they thoughtlessly, though thoroughly, tore through the therapeutic treats.

We blinked, utterly stupefied at the brazen audacity of the two, when a strangled choking reminded us that there was no time to waste. We charged our magic, preparing to hinder Celes for as long as possible. “Fly, you foals!”






> That's How the Cookie Crumbles Part 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Disclaimer: This chapter is, in part, told from the Point of View of Kaye. Improper word use is intentional, and may make your eyes burn a bit, and/or force you to think about what she meant.

Secondly, cursing will begin to be used, as certain characters get into stressful situations. I will do my best to use discretion as to what would and would not be considered ‘Teen’ rating (a.k.a. f-bomb won’t be used much at all, since that is a ‘Mature’ level-worthy curse.), but if a phrase seems overkill for ‘Teen’, let me know in the comments, and I’ll decide if I need to either change the curse, or if I should just change the fic to ‘Mature’, but I’d hate to do that just because of isolated cursing here and there, so… Ahem. Reader Discretion is advised, both for language and isolated Kaye-isms.




 .o.O.o. Last Time .o.O.o.


“Ah ah! Ah ah! Ah ah! Who’s the best? I’s the best!”

“Well, tell you what. I’ll make my special cinnamon roll pancakes, and while we cook and eat you can answer a few questions, okay?”

“Wait, so wouldn’t that mean that ponies get stressed because they aren’t eating enough dessert?”

“Thou art such an elderberry sniffer!”

munch munch munch munch

“Fly, you foals!”





Gasp

No ways! Aunt Loony knows how to play Lord of the, the Onion Rings?! Aunt Loony is super awesome fantastical! She- wait a second… I thoughted that the Lord of the Onion Rings was a guy… So what is it when Loony is the Lord? Is she a Lady or a Lordess? Stoopid Middle Eastern histories! Why they has to make things so, so complicated?!

“Eep! H-hey, that’s not nice! You, you dun pick up somebody when they hasn’t said ish okay!”

“You, can thank me, when we, get out of this, alive!” Wisp saided, all weird. I mean, whai she already out of breaths? She only been carrying me for, like, five seconds! Is not like I’s heavy!

“But, but… But cocolat klims! Gots ta has cocolat klims!” Yeash! It’s like she’s never had breckfist before! Everyone knows that, that you finish breckfist with a glass of cocolat klim!

“What, is, klim?”

Hehe. She sounds funny! “It, ish, milks!” I exclaimed, hugging her neck. “It, bees, good, for bones!”

Ooh, a bridge! I didn’t know there was a river! Yayifications! Now I can learn how to swim! “Hey, hey Wisp, I, I wanna learn how to swim! You can teach me please? I thinks that- Birdie!”

Super special awesome fantastical jump hug glomp of epcial proportionses! 

”Squawk!”

“Hai pretty birdie! I, I’s Kaye, and you, you is pretty! You can be my pet, okies? You looks like a Pokeymanz like I is! You, you is, um…” Oh dang, I thought I knewed this one! I gorra think! 

I sitted back, letting the birdie have some space while I stroked my chin. After all, everyone knows that stroking you chin makes you think smarter! “Lesse… You has black feathers on you back… white tumbilly… green face… Oh! You’s a Tail Lope! Or is you a Swallower?”

“Ow… My spleen…”

“You’s clean? No you isn’t! You’s all covered in dirts! What kind of things you’s been doing, silly birdie? Oh! Oh, I still has to name you! Um, you can, can bees…”

Ish hard to name a cute birdie! Hmm… “How about Beaky?”

“My name, you insane little pink puff-ball, is Meis. Ow...”

I gasped, egg sighted. My little birdie can speak?! He bees super smart! Wait a second… “Mousie? Mousie isn’t a name for a birdie! That, that bees silly! You isn’t very clever… I know! I, I’s gonna call you Flambie!”

“I’m not a dragon bird,” my new pet argued, narrowing his eyes at me. “Mies. As in the plural of mouse.”

I stroked my chin again, cause it doesn’t make any sense! Or dollars. Or checks, but I’m getting on tag nents. Think, it bees called… “Oh! Ish like I run knees?”

“Yeah, sure, something like that.”

“Oh… Hey Mousie, you wants some cookies? We-”

“Oh Frell, hide!”

Owie! Meanie-head Wisp yanked on my tail! That hurted! And now I gots ta brushie it again! Cereals, that bees the, the dillionth time I got ta do it today, and ish not even lunch!

“Where art they?! Where are the cookie thieves?”

Oh! Ish sunny butt! Is we playing a game? Wisp bees saying to shushify, so I guess we’s playing Hide an Sneaks? Yay! I, I’s amazing at Hide and Sneaks! So I gots to be sneaky, huh? Gots ta find a hidey hole… Oh! There bees one!

“Sneaky sneaky… sneaky sneaky… sneaky sneaky…”

“Q-quiet, she’s gonna hear us!” Wispy whispered at me, trying to be sneaky, but she wasn’t.

“You has to say ‘sneaky sneaky’ if you wants to be quiet, silly,” I exclaimed to her. “You is the one who bees too loud! Sneaky sneaky… sneaky sneaky… Come on, Mousie, dun let her find us...”

“Thou! Winged one! Where didst the two cowards flee to?” 

I bit my paw, praying dat Mousie wouldn’t betray his master. Mastress? Matress? Hmm… I should askify Wisp about that laters.

“No matter! We require that thou alert thine mistress we wish to speak to her!”

Sunnybutt wants to talk to me? But why would she… Nu! Ish a trap! You, you can’t foolify me!

“Ah! Fluttershy! We must have words with thee! We need thine aid!”

“Quick, now ish our time to, to escapade!” 

While Sunnybutt walked into the tree, she- wait, how did she walk into a, a tree? Oh mai goshness! She bees a druid! That’s amazing sauces! Oh, Wisp says we gots ta run again. Bai bai!



That little pink puffball thinks she can just eat my cookies and get away with it because she’s ‘cute’? Pah! I’ll show her. I’’ll show everypony that you! Do! Not! Take my cookies!

I already secured Pinkie Pie’s help for my plans, and with Fluttershy’s animal army, I shall emerge victorious for certain!

“Fluttershy! We require your aid against my sister and her rude pet! Come!”



Ha! Celes thinks that Pinkie Pie is on her side? The foalish mare! Pinkie is clearly chaotic good, and will help anypony and everypony! She is on my side as much as she’s on Celly’s! Must think this through logically… She got to Twilight first, being her teacher, but we know thanks to reports from our spy that she is most atrocious at the most important task in this war. Celes must be most desperate indeed!

Of the remaining elements, Rainbow Dash and Rarity do not seem likely to help, at least in the preparations of war, so they shall be put aside for now. That leaves but Fluttershy and Applejack. Celes headed Northeast, so she clearly intends to recruit Fluttershy first, in hopes of relying on her animals. Foalishness! ‘tis the Apple Clan that shall win the day for certain! Arrivederci! 



Wowwie zowwie! Everyone here ish, ish so purtyful an bright! Why they bees like dat? “Hey Wispy? Whai everybody bees all bright an stuffs?”

“Hmm? I… I don’t know, little one. Umm… Because they… get stallion’s attention?”

Wait, where has I heard of that stuffs afore? “Umm… So you mean you’s like birdies? Tryin to get attention and stuffs? Oo! How does I become all purply? I wanna bees purple! No, wait, teal, teal!”

I’m glad that Wispy isn’t carrying me anymore. It gets super boring just riding everywheres. I wanna asplore the town! I gots to find my friends and stuff, afteralls! 

“So where we bees going? Oh! Oh, I know! Hey Wispy, I know, hey, hey Wispy! Hey!”

Hey! Why ish Wispy ignoring me? Dat’s rude! “Hey Wispy! Hey, hey, hey, hey-hey Wi- hey, hey Wispy. Hey!”

“What?!” 

“I wanna see Moony. You, you can take me to Mista Moony? Pwease? You can play wiv us! He bees telling me alls about ponies, even though you dun look like normal ponies like back home, but the ponies back home, they, they dun talk like you do, or are as pretty, or as colorfulled, or can fly, or use magics, or-”



“- and I’m saving up to has a million pennies! Cause, cause pennies isn’t worth much at all, but if you had a million of them, then, then you’s really super duper rich, and I wanna bees super duper rich, cause then I can just buy myself a house, an a fambi-”

Dear Celestia, Luna and Discord, does she ever shut up?! I swear, any more and I’m going to have an aneurysm! Please, if any of you can hear me, please, I beg of you, I’ll accept anythi-

“Pink!”

I turned to see the three fillies I met at the castle rushing towards me, their eyes bright and their tails bushy. Not sure why the second part matters, really, but I felt it needed said.

“Hai! You camed to play wiv me? We can play tag! You can bees it!” the hyperactive ball of aggravating fluff chirped from my back, hopping down. Oh thank you, Celestia! My back… Ow… I might still be young, but she is heavy! It’s not like we were allowed much physical activity back in… A-anyway...

“What did she say, Miss Wind?” the yellow filly with the bow asked, tilting her head adorably. Such a cute little accent she has, ahh… Oh, right, question. Derp. Oh! That’s right, I owe Ditzy cupcakes, don’t I? I have to remember to bake her some once  I- Right, sidetracked. Sigh...

“She was asking if you wanted to play with her, maybe a game of tag or something, even though she said earlier that she was looking for uh… Moony?”

“Oh, I know him!” the unicorn said, jumping up into the air. D’aww, her voice cracked! Ahh, kids… “The white one with the blue rings, right? He’s gonna take a tour of the farm with Fluffy! Wanna come see the farm with us? We’re just going to get our crusader capes first, because we have a crusader mission!”

“Oh! Oh! Can I bees a cruspader? I bet I’ll be super good at it!”

After translating, the three ‘crusaders’ put their heads together, whispering, before their spokespony, the pegasus filly, said, “Maybe, but you can’t join us yet, cause our next mission you wouldn’t be able to do.”

“Aww… Whai nots?”

“Because! Our next mission is… Cutie Mark Crusader Tour Attendants! Yay!”

Ow… Well, it’s not like I wanted to hear out of that ear this week anyway… Oh dear, they’ve foalnapped Kaye. Whatever shall I do? “No, stop, come back.” Oh well, can’t say I didn’t try.

“Thank Luna for small favours!” I moaned, finally allowing myself to relax on the grass in the shade of a nearby apple tree. Finally free… Finally free of the hyperactive ball of fluff. Finally a moment to myself, where I don’t have to act as a liason for Pokemon who aren’t Pokemon… As happy as I am that Pokemon are real, and I’m not crazy… I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore… I’ve lost… I don’t remember how many years of my life, and now I… What am I supposed to do?



“... -ind? Wisp, what are you doing here?”

Groan... My head… Did I doze off? What… Rarity? Fluffy?

“Wh-who? What?”

Oh, it’s uh… Applejack, Rarity, and Fluffy… Wait a second.. “I dozed off? Oh, oh no, no-no nonono! This-this is bad, this is very, very bad!”

“What is, darling? Surely a short nap isn’t going to have-”

What are you, stupid? Insane?! “Kaye is gone. Kaye has gone with the crusaders, and I have no idea where they are! Princess Luna is going to kill me!”

“Dar-darling, Wisp, breathe, breathe!”

“Breathe? Breathe?! Breathe!? I am breathing!” I shouted, waving my forehooves at the white unicorn. “I’m breathing plenty! It’s called hyperventilating! There’s plenty of breathing going on right now thank you very much! In fact, last I checked, hyperventilating is the very freaking definition of breathing far too much, so no, I will not breathe more; I’m going to try to-”

Smack!

I blinked, shocked, before slowly turning to Applejack. “... Did… You just slap me?”

”Cutie Mark Crusader Member Initiators! Yay!”

“What in tarna- Applebloom!”

Oh sweet Cadance, for the love of all that is good and sane in the world... Please tell me they didn’t… 

“Fluffy, Wispy, lookit, lookit! I’ma cruspader now!”

Solar-flaring orgasms of Celestia, just kill me now...



Oh my goshness, this is going to be the most funnest thing ever! I bees a cruspader now! I gets to go on adventures, an find cutie markses, whatever those is, and, and be inna club! I… I can have friends… Maybe… Maybe I can has a fambily too?

“Oh, don’t you look simply darling!” 

Yayifications! The pretty white unicorn thinks I’s pretty! Yay! Maybe she’ll want to adopt me! But didn’t Aunt Loony say something about… Umm… Combustications? Oh yeah! Papery stuffs. Bleh! Maybe pretty white pony has papery stuffs!

“Hey, Miss Pretty Pony? Does you have paper stuffs?”

“What, darling?”

Gasp! She called me Darling! That means she super duper likes me! I has a chance!

Wisp knows what I mean. Wispy will exclaim it to Miss Pretty Pony! She’s telling her and… Wait… Why she bees looked saddened? Whai doesn’t she… Oh… She must not has the papery stuff either...

“Fair Applejack, we are in need of thine aid!”

Yayifications, ish Aunt Loony! Is tiem to play! “Yay! Ish helping time!”


A wild Luna has appeared! What will Kaye do?

Kaye used Tackle!

Critical hit!


“Wee! I, I has conquerified teh Aunt Loony! I hereby claim dis pretty pony in the name of Kaye! I demands lotsa sugars, an latherings of gifts!”

Miss Wispy cleared her throat before infl… infra… telling Aunty Lune, “Kaye declares that she has conquered thee, and demands sugar and other appropriate spoils of war.”

“I missed a war? Oh come on! You take a three minute break to use the bathroom, and I missed a war?!”

“Mista Moony!” 

Ish Moony! He bees super white, and glowy, an he’s totally like my big brother! “Moony, Moony, lookit! I’ma cruspader now! My cape is all gold, an ish shiny, like you! You’s kinda cool like dat.”

Mister Moony blinked, then looked at me all tilted. Why he does that? I doesn’t have something on my face, does I?

“I am not sufficiently warm? Are you saying I’m going to get sick?”

Wispy, dun laugh at poor Moony, ish not funny! “Of course you isn’t! Silly Moony! You… umm… Oh birdseeds! I forgoted what I was gonna ask you!”

“Did it have anything to do with the paper whatchamacallits you were talking about earlier?” Fluffy asked, being super duper smart.

“Oh yeah! The paper stuffs! Mister Moony, can you has paper stuffs to adoptify me? You, you can be my big brovver, kay?”

Pweeeeeeeease? Gotta use the biggestest kitty eyeses I can! Gotta be cute, gotta be cute...


Kaye used her ability, Cute Charm!
It hit the enemy Moonstone!
The enemy Moonstone is Infatuated!
What will he do?


“You… You want to be my little sister?” Moony said slowly, his eyes all weird. “I… You want to be family?”

“Yush! So will ya? Huh? Huh?” Come on, please has the paper stuffs, please has the paper stuffs..

“What paper stuff do I need?”

Noooooooo! Why… Why does nobodies got paper stuffs?! Was I a bad girl or something? No, I wasn’t, cause I bees super good all the time! I already asked everyb-

Fluffy! I has to askify Fluffy! Silly Kaye, of course Fluffy wants to adopt you! “Hey, Mista Fluffy, does y- Hey! Where, where everybody went?”

“Umm, they all went to the house,” Moony exclaimed, pointing to the barn. “Something about needing to cook a lot? I hope I get to help too. I know sixteen different recipes for how to cook grass!”

Wowie zowie! That bees a lotta reskipies! I’m not sure I even know that many kinds a cookies! Lesse, there bees cocolate chips, peter bubbers, sugars… frostings… The kind wiv Hershey kisses in dem… Ice cream cookies… Wait, cooking?!

“Cooking? I can cooks! I might even get a, get a cootie mark! C’mon, Moony, we’s gonna miss alla good jobs! Hurry, hurry!”

I pullified Moony as fast as I could, running faster than, than Flashy, or Sonic! Woosh, zoom, woohoo!

“Hai! My name ish Kaye, an I bees here to help cook the… Fluffy can cook?”

“Can’t everybody?”

I… huh. Fluffy makes a good arguings… Wait a seconds… “But then how can I help?”

“Oh, umm… Just a sec,” Wispy said, going to ask Aunt Loony some questions. “Uh-huh… You sure it’ll be alright? I suppose… Princess, that is one question you never ask of a child. They will always show you the answer, and it’s not one you want. Yes, Princess, I j- yes. N-no, I… Alright.”

“What, what? What does I get to do? Does I get to make cookies? Cake? Pie? Eye creames? Browni-”

“Eggs, Kaye. Just… Go out to the chicken coup, carefully get some eggs, then bring them back to us. Alright?”

“Cootie Mark’s Cruspader Egg Getterers! Yayifications!”



Oh yeah, it’s good to be back in the kitchen! Okay, they might not quite have the same technologies, but damn, do they have amazing ingredients to work with! I swear, it’s like this flour was milled just last week or something! But how the heck… They have hooves. And fur. How the hell are they able to knead the dough without getting it full of fur? Know what, no time to care, ‘cause I’m too busy learning as much as I can! If I thought I was a good cook before, after this I could-

Umm… Shit. Brian… Buddy, you there?

... Oh. It’s you.

Eh heh heh… Umm… Yeah? How uh, is it go-

Oh, now he cares. Just totally ignores me for I lost count of how long, and he thinks he can just waltz back in here like we’re still best buds. Well not today!

Wha… Oh come on! Please? It’s been insane lately! I’m just so overwhelmed that I just… come on, can’t you forgive me, buddy ol’ pal o friend o mine? I’ll try to do better in the future, I swear! I’ve just been in shock. Yeah, that’s it, shock! I was medically unfit to visit you! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Yeah, well your story stinks, so you must be glued to some feces or something!

... Okay, dude? That’s just gross. If you’re gonna be like that, I’ll just leave you alone again, if this is how you’re gonna treat me…

Woah woah woah, let-let’s not be too hasty there! I was just pulling your leg a little, that’s all! No need to get so testy!

... Meh. Whatever, we’ve got more important stuff to be worrying about, specifically… Did Wisp just tell Kaye to go get eggs?

Huh? Oh, well… Yeah, I think she d- oh fuck.

Brian! Language!


Meh. So sue me…

“Don’t tempt me…” I muttered under my breath, sighing heavily as I prepared to give chase.

“Hmm? Something wrong, Glenn?”

Huh? Oh, right… Dammit. Knew I shouldn’t have told her my name, she’s going to confuse everyone! “Yeah, Wisp, there is. You just sent Kaye to go get eggs…”

“... What’s wrong with sending Kaye to get eggs? I helped gather eggs when I was her age, so what’s the-”

“Wisp…” Don’t strangle her, don’t strangle her… Don’t get in trouble with the law when there’s a princess hovering right over your shoulder... “Think about what kind of Pokemon she is… What type of animal does Kaye look like, if you look past the fur color.”

“Huh? Well, I guess she kinda looks like a fox, but I don’t really see how that-”

Okay, I have to admit, it took her a little longer than I wanted for her to realise the problem, but damn, her face was priceless! That almost made up for the time we lost in preventing the on-coming disaster we were sure to find. Almost.

“Oh Luna rape me with the moon…”

... Okay, Brian, brah… you ain’t got nothin on this chick when it comes to swearing… Wow, talk about inventive… That… is a very disturbing thought sh-

“Why wouldst we do something so clearly impossible? Besides, the energy it would take to bring the moon down to Equestria would be far too great to punish a single pony for… whatever it is they did. A city? Impractical, but possible, I suppose. An entire nation, though, that… that takes me back…”

... B-Brian… I’m scared…

H-hold me…

I looked to the side, relieved that Rarity and Aplejack had similar levels of mind-rape displayed across their visages. Applejack recovered first, muttering, “Thank Celestia that the crusaders weren’t here to hear that, or Ah would have-”

“Applejack,” Rarity interrupted, her eyes somehow growing even wider. How do they even do that?! They’re already freakishly huge to begin with! I’d wonder if I wasn’t in an anime, but it isn’t nearly messed up enough for that. Well, then again.. Okay, shelving the idea for later as a theory. “If the crusaders aren’t here helping cook… Then where are they helping?”

I glanced out the window, before saying a simple three word prayer that said everything that could possibly be said. “Oh dear God…”



“... Well, at least we got the eggs, right?”

“... We’re so dead. We’re deader than dead. We’re worse than dead…”

“... Think they’ll go easier on us if ah get some tree sap ta put on us?”

“Let’s do that again! Wee!”

That, that was the most funnest thing ever in the history of funning! First I gotted to play tags with the chicken birdies, and then we raced to see who could get the most eggses, and then-

“Uhh… Guys? I’m thinking that maybe we should go see if Pinkie Pie could use our help. Or Twilight. Or Fluttershy. Or, you know, anypony who isn’t your sisters and wants to kill us for what happened. All in favour?”

“Aye!”
“Eeyup!”
“Yush!”

Wait, what is I yushing? Oh! A nedventure! Wee, let’s go! This is the bestest place in the world semi-colon! Or explinating mark. Yeah, explinating mark is much muchier!  

Wait, is the barn supposed to be that way? Why bees the chickens all over the places? Is not like we meant to breakify their house… or the barn… or the pretty trees… Oh wells! I’m sure Aunt Loony can fixy them up super fast! She’s a princessess, after all. She’ll just fix it like ‘woosh!’ an’ it’ll be done! 

But, um, I’ll just leave the eggses right here, so she knows I did my job before playing. Don’t wanna get in trouble...



Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap… 

H-how did they ever talk me into this?! Past Meis, I swear to God, I am going to kill you if I survive this! How the hell is being in an air balloon going to save my life if I fall from it?! Forget avoiding the fight! I’d rather face a hundred wars than be up here any more! I-

“U-um, Meis? Are you alright? You’re shaking really badly. Are you cold? I can get you some more blankets to cling to, if you want. Um, if it wouldn’t be a bother, I mean.”

… Damn I wish I could bring myself to hate Fluttershy for suggesting this as a means of escape… I normally hate the ‘cute’ characters in animes, but in person, you just can’t tell them no… Doesn’t help that her eyes are like, the size of my head, and her tears are so much larger if it gets to that point… Why did I have to be a damn bird? It’s like God is mocking me or something.

“D-do you really think we’ll be safe from the fight up here? I saw Pinkie setting up some cannons or something earlier…”

Oh. Right, the fight. I knew there was a reason I was clinging to the hot air balloon for dear life for a good reason. Ish. Not sure how plummeting to my death is any better than the upcoming fight, but I suppose this way I at least get to see how and when I die, as apposed to being surprised. Meh, semantics. Who needs ‘em?

Let’s see, what’s going on? I hate not being able to see, but if I look over the basket, then I might fall out, but I don’t know what’s going on, and all I can see is the sky and the balloon, and okayI’mlookingawayfromtheskynow!

Okay, ground. Ground that is kinda far away. That could rush up to me and slam into my beak in just a few seconds if something went wr-

“Good God!”

“W-what’s wrong?!”

Okay, I’m awake! I’m alive! Until my heart pounds out of my chest, I’m alive! Why aren’t you panicking about our crashing to our dooms, Fluttershy?! Flutter for your life!

“Meis, Meis, I need you to calm down, okay? We’re perfectly fine up here, see? The meter thingies are all steady, there isn’t any turbulence… Everything is fine, alright? Would it help if I held you? I-I’m not the strongest flier, but I can easily carry you, if that would make you feel better. You know, if something did happen to the balloon, which it won’t, but if it did, I’d be able to carry you down safely. Umm, if that would make you feel better, th-”

“Yes.”

Call me a baby. I don’t give a damn! I’d rather be held like a teddy bear if it means I won’t die! Okay, I can see the trees. Nice, calming trees swaying in the breeze. Those green leaves, rustling gently, those ants, walking along the-

How the hell can I see that?!

I slammed my eyes shut, praying that Fluttershy would soar safely to the ground, but she didn’t move. Oh great, I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m go-

Wait, we’re… fine? I opened my eyes, and sure enough, we weren’t moving. We were still in the basket, which was virtually motionless. But if the ground wasn’t getting closer, then why was… 

“Holy crap I have binocular eyes!”

“Umm… You want something to drink?”

… Oh, right. Butterball here can’t understand me. Yay. Oh well, don’t let her spoil the moment! With these eyes I can-

Oh, wait… Dammit. Okay, these eyes aren’t any good for spying in this world anyway. What? Don’t judge me! You’d think about that too if you had these eyes, and the perfect disguise of a bird! 

Okay. This… this is manageable. Wow. And I thought I had great eyesight before! Let’s see, what’s going on… Ponies running for their pitiful lives, check. Doors slamming and windows being barred, check. Ponies that are staying outside are donning protective gear, check. Being driven insane by the sheer amount of sugar this town managed to produce in a single day... Check… Oh, this food fight is going to be legend-

“Sister!”

… jerks. Okay, so Loony is trying to reason with her sister, who has been slighted by the pink puffball eating her… Seriously? All of this because a child ate some cookies who didn’t know any better? At least this shouldn’t get too out of ha-

Kaboooom

Save me, save me, hurt them, hurt them! Don’t let them hurt me, Fluttershy! I’m small and incredibly frail! I freaking hate having hollow bones!

Oh… Wow… Please tell me someone is getting all of this on high-definition, high-speed cameras… Pastries are flying so fast I can hardly tell who is getting hit with what! Wait, is that… Holy shit that’s a huge pie! What are they going to-

A cannon?! They’re stuffing what’shisname the Totodile in the cannon holding a giant pie?! That will suffocate whoever it hits! It-

Oh Dear God, Kaye, get out of the way! You’ll-

Oh no… Oh no, oh no, oh no, she- she’s going to be alright. She has to be… She’s just a kid, for crying out loud, she doesn’t deserve for that to-

Oh thank God… She’s moving, at the very least...

The town is in absolute chaos! People are passing out from sugar-overdose left and right! The streets are strewn with sugar and frosting everywhere my eyes can see! The only two left standing anymore are the two princesses, and they both look like they’ve exhausted most of their magic. Whoever wins, it’s not going to be by much, and… Wow, I hope the reconstruction bills are worth whatever this fight was over...



*Sniff sniff*

Mmm… Sugar-coated gems… Roasted Rubies… Caramelized Citrines… Sauted Sapphires… 

*Sniff sniff*

No, no, too much sugar… Rarity, you shouldn’t have-

*Snort*

I-I’m up, I’m up! I-

… Why are the streets covered in sugar, frosting, and pastries? Did Discord decide to pay the town a visit or something? Oh no… The Library!

I swear, if he’s messed up the library, then Tartarus hath no fury like a dragon scorned! “Though I suppose I should check if scorned means what I think it means… Meh, I’ll do it later. After all, it-”

W-what? “N-no… No! Nooooo!”

T-the books… The books! There’s food everywhere! “I, no, this can’t be happening! I refuse to believe this! Twilight? Twilight, where are you?!”

“S-Spike? You’re safe! Oh thank Celestia…”

No… Why is Twilight laying down in the middle of this mess? How? “Who… Who did this to you?! Who destroyed the library?! Answer me!”

Woah! My voice sounds cool like that! All deep and macho. I’ve got to use that more often! I am… The Batcolt! 

Then again, that sounds kinda lame. Hmm… I’ll have to think of a better name.

“We, Celestia wanted us to make weapons… We had to be prepared. Please, don-”

“I shall avenge thee! Onward, to glorious-

“Wait, what if Rarity is hurt? Oh no! Rarity! I’m coming for you, my beloved!”

Gotta head to the boutique! I have to make sure she’s safe! I-

The boutique looks like a cake! It’s completely smothered in pastries and frosting! I-I have to figure out how to get her out! Do I dig? Eat? Should I-

“We… shall not give in, Sister.”

Huh? Wait, Princess Luna and Celestia? What are they doing?

“We… demand an apology… for your pet’s actions!”

“Do not call Kaye a pet! Thou knowest she is a poor orphan foal who knows no better! We shall prevail!”

They? They caused this? They hurt Rarity’s home?!

“Prepare for our final attack! We will win! We shall-”

“No! That’s it! You ruined the library, you covered the town in pastries and sugar, you covered Rarity’s house in all of those filthy pastries, and I won’t clean it up! I refuse to clean any more messes that aren’t my fault, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!



Kyra, I swear to God, I don’t even know how they did it… There’s no way they could have planned that song ahead of time, but I shit you not, drums started playing out of nowhere, and then Spike started singing Twisted Sister… 

My mind = blown. Can all of these ponies sing? Is there some sort of spell that lets them do that? Please let there be something, anything, that can let me sing well. I don’t care what it costs, I’ll do it. I just...

Ow. I never knew working in a kitchen for hours could hurt so much. I’ve never knew it could be so hard. And carrying all of those cakes and pies and turnovers a-

Ow, ow, ow… okay, done writing. Hurt too much. I wonder if I can sing in my dreams? If I can, I am never waking up. Except to earn more gold. Gold is important too. Yay investments!

~ Ignis ‘Fluffy’ Solaire (The Flareon)

p.s. Putting Fluffy in quotes since Belle seems to think the whole name is my name, as opposed to simply ‘Fluffy’. At least things will never get boring here...
> I Can't Pull a Plow, Plow, Plow an Iron Plow, Plow Part One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attention idiotic writing apparatus, 

Today was… interesting, to say the least. Seems that ‘Fluffy’ isn’t quite what I first thought… He’s still different, and annoying, but it should be more manageable. Ish. 

It all started when I saw him trying, and failing quite spectacularly, I might add, to pull a plow…



Ow… Brian… Ow… If I ever… ow… survive this… ow… I swear to God… ow… that I will- ow! Ow, ow, ack, breathe, breathe… kill you.

... Brah, I know I’m just the guy who relays the information to you, but does it really hurt that much? You’ve only been working for an hour, give or take. Isn’t-

Brian, shut up.

Ow… I know it’s a little pathetic, but allow me to shed a little context on this little scenario. I was currently on Jay’s farm. Working. She started me out trying to buck apples, and-

No, don’t ask how kicking a tree makes the apples fall down. I don’t know. I don’t even pretend to know how or why the trees aren’t damaged from hooves smashing into bark, so I’m just going to chalk it up to magic. Yes, I know it’s a lazy conclusion, but I don’t particularly care at this moment, so there.

So yeah, that didn’t work out, so now I’m on the plow. Or rather, trying. I’ve managed to pull it most of a line, so I’m actually somewhat proud of myself!

Except for the fact that I know I’m doing it wrong, but I haven’t quite figured out in what way, yet. Still, I know I’m burning calories, and my muscles should grow fairly quickly, at least at first, so it’s not like today is going to be a horrib-

“What are you doing? Is it seriously that heavy?”

Dammit! Of all the times for Crystal to show up to bitch at me, it-

Hey, don’t blame me! She didn’t make any noise!

I wasn’t going to, Brian! I was just lamenting the unfortuitous circumstances of my exclamation, that’s all.

Want help dealing with angry bitch numero uno?

Nah, it’s cool, brah. I got this.

... Well then, I’ll just go make myself some popcorn then. Should be entertaining, at least…

I sighed, took a deep breath to calm myself down, grateful I was already taking a momentary respite from lugging the steel. “Yes and no. Yes, it is that heavy the way I’m pulling it. Should it be this heavy, no. Probably not, anyway. So if you don’t mind, I-”

“It’s a piece of equipment, how do you not know how to operate it?”

Brian, is that sarcasm, or actual confusion?

Hmm? Is who what now? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of this popcorn repeating to me that you didn’t need me, according to you. I guess you’re on your own, brah. Ta!

... Prick. Whelp, I guess I get to solo this one whether I like it or not. Fun. “Because, Princess, just because you know the theory and the application does not preclude the necessity of experience!”

Oh-ho! Note to self, she really hates it when I call her princess. Okay.


Fluffy wants to learn the nickname ‘Princess’, but he’s already got four monikers! Should an old name be replaced?
>Yes
Which one should be replaced?


“Oh, so the muscle-bound ape does know how to use big words! Progress!”

… Wow, that’s new. Someone is insulting my being fat by calling me the opposite. This is a unique experience after all. If I’m not careful, my feelings might actually get hurt a little!

“Well, seeing as how there aren't currently any ‘muscle-bound apes’ around, I’ll take the insult as a compliment and ask you to kindly Frell off, as I’m trying to work.”

“What?!”

And sha-bam! She’s ticked, I win! And as an extra bonus, she knows what I mean by the word, but doesn’t know the origin, so she’s pissed that she doesn’t know where it’s from! Time to send her home! Be prepared to write me down a perfect score, Brian! Suck it!

Uh-huh. Excuse me if I don’t rush to get writing utensils right away.

“You heard me, tralk. Why don’t you just-”

Aaaaaand an Ice Beam to the face. Oh-ho, yeah, this is gonna be good. Damn, I hope I made enough popcorn for this.

Oww… Brian, you’re an asshole. Just so you know.

Yeah, yeah, uhuh… Oooh, looks like an Ice Fang coming up!

I’ll just… spare you the specific details, but suffice it to say, I got my ass handed to me. Last time I had some self-righteousness to help me fight. Today? All I have is fear for my life, and then again, I wasn’t exactly trying to fight so much as escape. 

See, she kind of understood what I said, as in she’s seen Farscape, so needless to say, she was more than justified in being pissed as all get out at me. Kinda hard to fight back against someone you know is fully justified in wanting to kill you.

Mind, it didn’t stop me for doing everything I possibly could to escape, or disable her from attacking me, of course, but I wasn’t trying to really hurt her.

Honestly, in hindsight… With as pissed as she was, I’m somewhat surprised I’m still alive, actually. I think it helped that I kind of gave up. Like, the last few hits, just let her hit me, without moving or trying to resist. It hurt like effing hell, but it was pretty much my only chance, as I remembered, fairly quickly, mind, that I couldn’t out-run her. 

I actually don’t quite remember the last hit or two, as at that point, I was just letting myself bounce on the ground when she tackled me, but I do remember seeing her shaking above me, still in a bit of a rage. “Tell me,” she seethed at me. “Give me one good reason not to keep kicking your ass all over this field…”

... Wait, I’m still alive? And not unconscious from the pain? I have to say, I’m doing better than I thought, once I saw her snap.

Yup. Did better than I expected too, without my help. I thought you would have managed to set the whole farm on fire, then bury it in a snowstorm, so only you getting beat up? Consider myself proven wrong. Oh, and she asked you a question, brah. Might wanna answer that.

Oh. Right. Thanks Brian. You’ve been a great help, as always.

... Wow, kid was knocked more loopy than I thought.

“Well, I don’t think I have health insurance yet, so it would be awfully inconvenien-”

Gahhhhh-dammit! Stop standing on my stomach, damn! “Fine, sorry! Not that saying sorry is enough, but I went overboard, what else can I say? ‘Gee willikers, thanks a lot for bullying me this week! I definitely don’t get enough of that at home, so please, continue as much as you want!’”

She stood in silence, though whether from rage or shock, I don’t know. After a couple seconds, what indignation I felt dissipated in the wake of a fresh wave of pain. Enough pain to make me debate how much I deserved it. The hard part? Admitting that, at least mostly, I kinda did deserve it. Maybe not quite as badly as what she did to me, but still punch-bag worthy. Crap… Now my conscience is kicking in...

I sighed quietly, wincing, then started on a real apology. “Look, I’m sorry… I went overboard. I pride myself on being better than that, and to find out I’m not… I’m sorry I called you a slut. You might be a bitch, but that doesn’t necessarily preclude you being… that.”

“... You’re fat.”

If it weren’t for how she said it, I would have probably gotten infuriated. As it was, her tone had the perfect mixtures of confusion, amazement, and deadpan that I started laughing. I know, it might seem like a stupid reaction, but what can I say? I’ve never had anyone say it like that before, and it was funny for some reason.



What… the hell. He’s fat? How… What the hell kind of jock is he if he’s fat?! And what’s wrong with him that he’s laughing about it?! It makes no sense!

“Okay, look, football player, I don’t get what’s so f- stop laughing!” I exclaimed, stomping on the ground. I could kill you right now, for crying out loud! ‘Why aren’t you taking me seriously?!”

“We, we didn’t have football at my high school,” he gasped between laughs. “And I just… your face! It’s like somebody just told you that Lord of the Rings was getting a crossover movie with Harry Potter!”

I… that… “What?! That doesn’t even make sense! There’s no way that could even-”

“I know!” he interrupted, still laughing, though much more weakly. Good, he’s finally feeling the beating I gave him. Bastard! Nobody calls me a slut! “It’s just so ridiculous! But your face! What, did you think I was a jock because I’m a Flareon? Talk about-” 

His laughter died almost instantaneously as his eyes went blank. What’s he even thinking ab-

Wait… Come on, there had to be some other reason I thought he was a jock when we first… That’s right! He was being self-righteous about having… Who did he blame? Think… Okay, fine, I guess I’ll have to do some research. I mean, fine, I found out yesterday that those two girls were really bratty assholes, and might have gone a little overboard in dealing with him, but… No, have to follow the facts. He blamed the prissy white one’s sister or daughter or whatever, right? I just have to get Whisper or whoever to translate.

“-ular girl, are you.”

Oh, joy, he’s speaking again. “What?”

“You’re not a popular girl, are you?”

I nearly laughed at his stupid question, but something about his eyes told me he seriously wanted to know. “Of course not, moron! What tipped you off?”

“Well,” he said slowly, wincing as he sat up. “A number of things, actually. First and foremost, you thinking I was a jock was the main reason, but then I remembered something Triumph said-”

Who? Wait, Meis said something yesterday morning about a stupid nickname that he got. “What, you mean Meis?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. But think about it. Did you know he was afraid of heights?”

“Well yeah, but what does that have to do wi-”

Wait… Why would someone who’s afraid of heights...

“... So,” he said after a moment, rubbing at his bruised foreleg with a wince. “Yeah. Aside from apologising for acting like an uneducated asshole, is th-”

“Excuse me? I am not apologising for-”

“No! Not you, I…” He sighed, smacking himself in the face. I admit, I felt a little satisfaction from the resounding smack I heard. “I was talking about me, okay? While I was under the false impression that you were a part of the cancerous tumor that are ‘popular girls’, calling you what I did was over the line, and, somehow, saying sorry just doesn’t feel like it’s enough.”

… Wow, I am really doing poorly in the jumping to conclusions department. Still, at least he knows he went over the line! “Well, you would be right! Jerk.”

He opened his mouth, but then closed it again. I waited as patiently as I could, which, admittedly, was only a few seconds, before asking, “What?”

“Oh, sorry. I uh, space out a lot. I was just trying to decide if being a jerk is a step higher or lower from being a moron.”

… Pfft… “Nerd.”

“I prefer the term ‘geek’, thank you very much!” he sniffed indignantly, turning his nose up at me. “Though that term is also a little misleading, as I’m not hipster enough to really be called a geek, nor quite anal about intelligence to be called a nerd, so if you have to call me something, why not call me a nerk, or maybe a gerd?”

I don’t even know why, but I started giggling. Is he for real? “R-really? A *snerk* gerd? What even is a-”

“Oh, I think you know,” he said, narrowing his eyes, his tone condescending. “You’ve been thinking it ever since we started talking, haven’t you?! Well you can’t have them! They’re mine!”

“What?!” I chortled, trying to keep my laughing quiet. Last thing I need to do is encourage the idiot! Oh wait… Damn you, past Jessie!

He gasped, his eyes growing impossibly wide as he shouted, “Ermahgerd, kerrerts!” 

I… don’t even know why I laughed, but it was just so ridiculous that, as injured as he is, and with what we were talking about, he’s busy being a… A… “You… are such a dork!”

“The name’s McDoogle… Wally McDoogle…”

“It is not, you… Stop claiming to...” Why am I laughing?! He’s just being a...

“Willie Plummet? I can settle for-”

“N-no! J-just stop… stop…” Dammit, why am I laughing so hard?!

So there I was, laying on the grass as I gasped for breath. What is his problem? Is he a few grapes short of a bunch or something? A few sodas short of a six-pack? A few french fries-



Brian… if I have somehow managed to avert further physical damage, I am considering this to be a success.

Yeah, because success includes calling females tralks, uh-huh. *cough*bullshit*cough*. Who-what-I didn’t say anything! Just need a drink of water, I swear!

Whatever…

Honestly, I’m surprised that being random and making stupid references made her laugh. Not that I’m complaining, mind. At least I have a chance of her taking my apology seriously now, instead of just out of fear for my life.

Summoning my strength, which after working for an hour wasn’t much, I limped my way to… Wait, what’s her name? Surely I’ve heard her name somewhere! I mean, there’s no way that I don’t know her name, right?

... Brian? Please tell me you caught her name somewhere.

Umm… All I gots is when you called her a… what was it… Creepo McStalker Chick?

Okay, so great. I have to apologise to someone when I don’t even know their name. How do I even… What can I possibly say...

“Ow.”

Well, besides that, I mean. Hmm… Brian’s got nothin… I’ve got nothin… Guess I have to go with Plan G. ‘What does G stand for’, you might ask? Well, firstly, and keep in mind: I am a Christian, and hate it when others mock me by taking God’s name in vain. So understand how I feel when I say to learn your God-damned grammar! You don’t end a sentence in a preposition! Do not make me come find you to kick your ass to the moon!

Flu-Fluffy, breathe brah, breathe!

I am breathing, Brian, now shut up!

Plan G: plan grovel. Well, not grovel so much as beg for mercy, but same difference.

“I… uh, about… I just…”

Well… this is going swimmingly...

She coughed, having finished laughing, and was now facing me. I am so dead.

“Okay, I am really curious here,” she asked in an eerily calm voice. “How are you still standing after I beat your butt all over the field?”

“Umm…” How do I even answer this question? Even if it weren’t incredibly embarrassing, how-

“Honestly, the fact that you’re still standing to try, and fail, to apologise is rather impressive, but how are you doing it?”

Stay strong, brah! Don’t let her know! Your masculinity can’t take-

I whimpered, admitting, “I’m afraid I’ll die if I lie back down…”

Brah, you-

If I had any masculinity left, Brian, it died when she kicked my ass. Shut up.

“What? I did not beat you up that badly!” she protested, her footfalls creating clouds of dirt as she got closer. Wait, are they still footfalls when they’re paws? Pawfalls? Padfalls? I don’t know!

“Wait, what are you going to do? Don’t- augh! Ah-ha-ha-oww...”

“Oh come on you big baby! It’s just a bruise! Stop trying to milk an oscar from it or something,” she snapped at me, poking my ribs one by one. 

To those of you who might be wondering about my strange… shall we say, ‘laughing’ injury, lemme ask you: ever had an injury hurt so bad that you try to laugh through the pain?

“What the hell is wrong with you? Your ribs aren’t even fractured, let alone broken, so what’s with-”

“Pain is relative.”

Oh wow, my voice squeaked? That’s… really kind of pathetic. Oh man, is my face red.

Well duh it’s red, moron. You’re a Flareon. Having reddish-orange faces is kind of part of the package deal.

... Glaceon, whatever your name is, I hereby give you permission to attack and kill the voice in my head that tells me to do stuff.

... Yeah, see, for that to work, you kind of need to, I don’t know, say it out loud so that she can hear you? That kind of helps a bit.

“Did you just-” the Glaceon started to say, before stopping with a blink. “... Know what? Fine. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“No rush. Still have an entire field to uh… pully-thingy. Till. Whatever it’s called.”

“What happened to your whole “I’m going to die” thing?” she asked, arcing an eyebrow.

I blinked, before replying, “Technically, I said if I lay down I would die. And since I’m allergic to dying, I’m not going to lay down. And since I’m not going to lay down, I may as well try to keep working. And since I’m going to try to keep working… Umm… Didn’t think this far ahead, admittedly.”

I sat down slowly, using the back of my paw to massage my forehead. “I guess then I try to-”

Brah, she’s gone. She listened to maybe half of what you said before running off.

Oh. Well… That was simple.

It’s also not good, brah. What if she comes back, still ticked that you didn’t apologize properly?

“What in tarnation… How in th’ blue blazes didja manage to get so beat up just by pulling a plow?”

Oh, it’s Jay. Well, this will be fun to try to explain! Let’s see… Sitting down? Check. Umm… Uhh...

Dang, is that it for the list, Brian?

As I heard Jay’s brother say, ‘Eeyup’.

Well, let’s do then! LEEEER-

Glenn, shut up and get to work.

Alright, alright! Sheesh, ruin my fun why don’t you.

... I thought I just did. What, I’m supposed to ruin it while ruining it? Sorry, I don’t know how to explode the fun doubly. That sounds complicated.

I chose to ignore the ignoramoose and initiate my plan! I had my brilliant answer for how to explain to Jay what I did!

I shrugged.




> I Can't Pull a Plow, Plow, Plow an Iron Plow, Plow Part Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Kyra,

Ow…

That pretty much sums it up… Learned how to pull a plow. Called Jessie/Crystal a tralk, and somehow, she doesn’t want to kill me anymore. See, what happened was…



Alright, just gotta find whatsherface and ask for some painkillers. Assuming that what he said about who put me next to him, of course. Seriously, how messed up is he? Saying all of that random… whatever? Maybe I gave him brain damage… Yeah, maybe… Meh, he deserved it.

Overall, it’s been a decent day so far. Learned how to use Ice Fang, I think, so that’s another move learned! Technically, I should be able to translate that move into Bite, but whatever. 

Still… If he’s a nerd… Then what are the others? Meis is afraid of heights, but it’s not like I’m afraid of ice, so… What’s my deal? Fluffy said he hated heat, but hate isn’t the same thing as fear. Wait, there’s Moony, and he’s-

Wait… Right, he was a pony. So does he count or doesn’t he? There was also that Totodile, but how does he fit into all of this? And Kaye is just loving the ever-freaking heck out of being an Eevee, so-

Oh look, it’s Logic! Heyya Logic! Where are ya goin? Out the window? Okay, have a nice trip!

Luckily I’m already outside the library, so I can afford a moment to massage my head. Have to try to get all of the stupid I’ve had happen out of my mind before I go insane. I also seriously need to find a notepad and calligraphy pens. Or hell, I’d take some charcoal at this point. Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get s-

*Smack!*

A-ha-ow… Okay, who slammed a door in my face?! Heads are gonna roll for this insol-

“Cryssy! Yayifications!”

Ow, my coccyx… My poor tail… “Kaye, what-”

“I learneded Head Bashing! I’s super strong now!” the pink puffball chanted, skipping around me. At least, I think she was skipping around me… Kind of hard to tell with all of these birds in the way, with their annoying tweeting. “I’s gonna be the very bestest!”

“You’re definitely like no one ever was, that’s for sure,” I managed to groan, rolling back onto my paws. “Where’s the da-”

... Frick, right. Kid. Come on, Jess, keep your damn head in the game!

“-ang Tylenol when you need it?”

“Tied Lionel? Why you tie up Lionel? Ish because he’s a bully? Silly Chryssy, you dun tie up bullies!”

… You don’t? Sounds like a perfectly logical thing to do, come to think of it. “Why not?”

“Cause ish a waste of ropes, duh!” She rolled her eyes at me, sighing heavily. “I gots ta teach you everyfink? I bees aspensive, you know!”

“Oh really?” I quirk an eyebrow, wondering how a kid has expensive rates. “Like what?”

“For you, I thinks…”

She disappeared for a second before my knees buckled. Oh for the love of-

“Yayifications! Chryssy-back ride! Giddyap!”

She’s just a kid… Be patient… You were like her once too…

Steeling myself, I stared at the little pink Eevee, raising an eyebrow slowly. “Kaye, I am not a horse, and I would appreciate it… if you would… would um…”

Let the record show: I hate cute kids. Or cute cats, or cute anything that is real and right in front of you. They just take your life, and then ram a knife into you until you don’t care about anything else!

“... Pwease Cryssy?”

... frelling puppy eyes…

“Fine… But no kicking!” I growled, giving her a warning glare over my shoulder. “Now while I look for the meds, you tell me why you aren’t in school, missy!”

“Shuel? I isn’t in shuel cause a paperywork. We’s been writin lotsa stuffs on papers so I gets to go tomorrow!”

Dear God, how does she manage to bounce on me when she’s ‘riding’ me? Ugh… Okay, just find the meds, and get out of here. How long c… Nu-uh, not goin’ there, Jess. Shut up while you’re still ahead…



Brian, you suck, you know that? How could you not figure out how to pull a plow properly? I knew that I was doing it wrong, but noooooo.

Oh quit your bitching. I did the best I could, alright? It’s not like we’ve ever read a book about farming or something. How was I supposed to know that taking half a step back to lean further into the harness would help? It looks unnatural!

Yeah, well… shut up!

Needless to say, plowing was still… difficult. While I now had the proper technique, I still lacked the necessary muscles to make it easy, and with the injuries from… before, I still wasn’t going that fast. Still, I was at least going fast enough that Jay wasn’t that disappointed in my progress. I mean, I know she hoped I would do better. And really, I should have been able to, but at least she wasn’t super depressed or angry or something. Still, I’ll have to push myself that much harder in the future, so that I won’t let her down. That, and I get paid based on what I do, not how long I work, so there’s more incentive past losing weight.

“Ugh…” I stagger as I finished a line, falling on my side. I swear, being covered in fur, I am almost literally pouring sweat. Even if I burn no fat today, I know I won’t have any water weight when I get up tomorrow, that’s for sure. Note to self: weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a baseline weight for actual fat, since most of the water should be gone.

I paw at my face a couple times, trying to clear my eyes of the sweat, until I remember that my paws are covered in mud. And now I’m laying in it. While sweaty. Fan-freaking-tastic… 

“Fluffeh!”

Oh dear God… Now Brian? Really?

Not like I told her to come over or something. Hey, at least you’re already hurting! Not like she’s ruining a great day or anything. Today already sucks so far! May as well go for the gold! It’ll make the next days even better if you’re super miserable today, right?

Hello, dirt, lovely to see you again! Anything change since we last met a few seconds ago? 

“M-Mista Fluffy, how you get hurted?”

... You’re on your own brah.

As Kaye investigated my side, I glanced between the Glaceon and Kaye several times, trying to come up with a story, and fast. We weren’t quite fast enough though, it seems...

“Cryssy, whai you hurted him again?!”

Okay, so her name is Chrissy, good to know. Short for Christine, perhaps?

“N-no, she didn’t,” I quickly stammered, glancing around in hopes that inspiration would strike me out of the blue. “I uh… It was… umm…”

“He fell down some stairs.” Christine supplied helpfully.

... Seriously? That’s the best she could come up with?!

Oh shut up, Brian, I didn’t hear you offering me any suggestions.

“You falleded down the stairses?” Kaye asked, her right ear falling to the side as she turned her head.

“... Yes. I fell down some stairs. And nothing else.”

Poker face, poker face, poker face po-

-Brooklyn Rage.

Dammit Brian, stop throwing off my groove!

But now is the perfect time to throw off your groove! There’s no windows for you to throw me out of!

Well, he had me there. I glanced around, but there wasn’t a window around. Just dirt, trees, dirt surrounding the trees, trees in the dirt, and, you guessed it: Kaye and Christine. What, you thought I was going to say trees and dirt? Come on, I’m not that predictable! Or am I?

That… Huh. Touche. Now shut up!

The little pink Eevee looked from me to Christine, narrowing her, admittedly, adorable eyes at us, trying to find any sense of guilt or guile in our faces. After several seconds, she relaxed, giving me a big hug. Well, as big as she could, anyway, considering I’m two to three times her size. “Dun worry Fluffeh, I’ll fixify you back to healths!”

She is just so a’dawable! Brian, can we keep her? Can we can we can we?

Hell if I know. Go bother somebody else!

“You, you needs a knee licker!”

Christine blinked, a bland ‘what?’ escaping from her mouth as she tried to work it out.

Smirking a little as I take a few seconds to translate it in my head, I added, “Yeah, Chryssy, come on! Everybody knows what a knee licker is!” Turning to Kaye, I added, “Well, at least we know where not to look or ask for one, right Kaye?”

“Right! We, we’s gotta look in barrels an fireplaces! You know where any is?” she asked, bouncing left and right. 

I had to try so hard not to squee or get distracted. Her tail was wagging back and forth as she crouched, ready to pounce. I swear, it’s like they got the sprite straight from Kaye!

“Yush!” I replied, my grin threatening to split my face in half. “There’s barrels in the barn! They’re this way! C’mon, foller me!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking… Fluffy, why are you acting her age? You should know better! 

Well, in answer to that… Screw you, I do what I want! Seriously, an excuse to act like I’m five? Sure, I’ll take that! Besides, it’ll be good exercise!

I took off, running as fast as I could, which, admittedly, wasn’t very fast. Still, I consider it an accomplishment that Kaye never asked to go faster, so I guess I was fast enough. A moment later I heard Christine yelling at us to stop, but like we were going to listen to a slowpoker like her!

Kaye and I burst into the barn at the same time, panting for breath as we giggled on the floor. We heard Christine come in behind us, but it’s not like I cared.

“Now just what are y’all doin’ in the barn?”

We glanced up, and saw Jay in the loft, her tail wrapped around a rope several times. She finished tugging a bale of hay to the loft, before jumping down to the ground. 

“We’s lookin for knee-lickers! Has you seen any, miss farmer pony?” Kaye asked, bouncing up and down. Good grief, I wish I had her energy...

Jay looked back and forth between Kaye and I before asking, “Chaperoning?” 

I nodded, only just beginning to regain my breathing. Oh man, I should not have run to the barn. I was already hot and sweating before, but now it's really bad, and now the dirt is starting to turn into mud and make my fur clump and ugh! I shivered, the feeling of ick intensified tenfold now that I had acknowledged it. Don't you just hate it when that happens? It's like when you get a haircut. So long as you don't think about it, you won't be itchy, but the second you start to think about the tiny pieces of hair that didn't fall out is when they really start to drive you insane!

“Y'all okay there, sugarcube?” I heard Jay ask. “Should ah get the hose?”

“Please,” I said, the words forcing my head up, as my jaw was resting on the hay.

“Oh! Oh! Me! Me me me me! Pick me! I, I can get the hose! I bees super fast!”

I whimpered as Kaye stepped on my tail in her haste to get outside, though luckily it didn't hurt that much. Helps that she's a lot smaller than I am, and lighter, of course. I decided for the sake of my health, so to say, to ignore Christine's snickers.

“Well, she sure is full of energy,” Jay remarked, shaking her head with a grin. “Just as bad as Bloom, ah reckon. Least she wants to make 'erself useful. If only she were a bit bigger, ah'd consider hiring her too.”

“Wait, you're getting paid to fail at pulling a plow?” Christine asked quietly, quirking an eyebrow at me.

“Kinda. We agreed to base it off how much I get done, not how long I work. She knows I'm doing partially to help around the farm, but also as a way to exercise to lose weight, so we decided that was the most fair way to decide how much I'd get paid. That way I have more incentive to push myself as much as I can for multiple reasons.”

“Huh. Makes sense, I guess,” Christine said slowly.

“You guess?” I tilted my head, blinking. “Why only guess? Am I overlooking something?”

“No, I just forgot already that you, um...”

She actually had the decency to blush a little! Of course, that just made me laugh, though I was quick to hold up a paw so I wouldn't get smacked again for insolence or something. “It's alright, Christine. I was fairly tall and broad back home, so I guess I just carry it well.”

Hey, brah? Judging by her confusion, I don't think that's her name.

What? But come on! Her name can't be Cryssy! Um, think, think...

“My name isn't Christine. Jessie isn't even close to Christine!”

Jessie, huh? A much more appropriate name for her being short-tempered. Wonder if she's a red-head.

Not even gonna go there, Brian; that's colorist!

“That short for Jessica? Sorry, distracted,” I apologised, scratching the back of my head, before pulling my now-muddy paw away. After shaking the mud loose, I was able to focus for a moment, answering, “Well, Kaye called you Cryssy, so I... well, I assumed it was short for Christine. So tha-”

“Where in tarnation did Kaye go? The hose is right around th' corner for cryin' out loud,” Jay interrupted, her hoof tapping the floor.

I blinked, then shared a look with Jess. A look that was universal in understanding. A look that, no matter the gender, species, or era in time, could never be confused with another look. The look that said...

“She's getting into trouble, isn't she?” we said in stereo, ending in a sigh.



Figures, I thought with a sniff, wiping my nose with a blue paw. Not even sure how all of this happened, really. But between yesterday, today, and when I got here, I think it's safe to say that these things are either Fluffy's fault, Kaye's fault, or it's just this world.

“Achoo!”

I shivered, but at least my sneeze helped get a little extra water off me. Great, I'm probably gonna be sick for a week because of this, aren't I? How did Kaye even manage to do all that with just a hose? And in only three minutes?!

“That was awesome!” Fluffy exclaimed, pulling his head-fur back into position. “Let's do that again! We should totally make a water park! We'll rake in bits faster than you can say Chiktikka Fastpaws!”

“F-f-faster than who?” I sneezed again, and I could practically feel myself getting sick.

“Eh, I'll explain later,” he said with a shrug, shaking himself. “Hold still, though. This should only take a sec.”

“What should only take a s-Eeeek!”

He- that- he just freaking covered me in fire! I'm gonna-

Wait, it... doesn't hurt? The frell?!

“Holy shite, it worked!” Fluffy exclaimed, eyes wide open. “That's epic!”

“You've got five seconds to explain why you just breathed fire at my face before I rip your head off,” I growled, managing to refrain my language in front of Kaye.

“Oh, that's easy!” He smiled, sitting down. “You were the plank of wood, and the water was Eldritch Demon Spawn from Hell ™!”

“What?!”

“Oh! I gets it!” Kaye exclaimed, jumping up and down. Well, if it could be called jumping with like half a gallon of water weighing her down. “Do me, do me!”

“Okay!”

I didn't feel my jaw drop, or notice my eyes widen, but I know they must have, because these two have lost their minds! “No, don-”

And then Kaye was enveloped in flames, right before my eyes. I could barely hear her screams of pain as I saw red. “You bastard! You killed Kaye!”

“Silly Cryssy! Whai you bees talkin' about fish poops? You, you's gross!”

Aaaaand there goes what sanity I had left. She... how is she alive?! Fluffy engulfed her in fire! I saw it!

“Figured out when I burned an Eldritch Demon Spawn from Hell ™ at the playground that was on the sea-saw,” Fluffy explained, sitting down. “The fire 'burned' the sea-saw, but it wasn't damaged, leaving a small pile of ash, so I experimented a little. Not sure how it works, exactly, but as long as I concentrate really hard on what I want to burn, and what I want to leave untouched, only the part I want actually gets affected.”

“Wait, so like that's how Ash's Charizard kept breathing fire at him, but he didn't get anything but soot on him?” I asked, starting to wonder about the implications.

“Yeah! At least, that's what I think,” Fluffy said, scratching the back of his head.

“So is that how you can fight inside buildings and stuff and it doesn't get destroyed in the games?”

“I...” Fluffy hesitated, thinking. “I don't know... See, that's where it stops making sense, because yeah, we see some instances where attacks seem to have no effect on the terrain, but then we see things like Lt. Surge's Raichu nearly destroying the gym in an explosion of electricity. I mean, that could just be the Raichu not concentrating on what it wanted to get hit, or wanting to hit everything, but... I don't know.”

As Kaye bounded onto my back, I couldn't help but notice how nice and warm she was. I melted as she accidentally massaged me with her paws. I... what were we talking about again? Mmm... Something about... ahh... Oh, oh, right there, right-



Uhh... Brian, what am I seeing?

Well, brah, it seems... Kaye is hitting the right pressure points? If that's the case, maybe we should observe?

Yeah, because we can't just ask her where they are or anything.

“Hey, so uh, Jessie, you feeling alr-”

“Nu-uh! Her name bees Cryssy, silly Fluffy!” Kaye interrupted, jumping up and down. “Cryssy Crystal! She, she bees my big sissy! Sissy Cryssy!”

Crystal? But Jess said... Oh. That must be her 'given' name in Equestria, like Fluffy.

Then I suppose we should tell her our real name later too, shouldn't you?

Yeah, probably. Wow, you're being strangely useful, Brian. What gives?

Eh, feeling strangely generous today, what can I say? Don't get used to it.

Duly noted.

“Er, Kaye, mind hopping down so I can talk to Crystal?” I asked, laying down on the ground.

I got a face-full of puppy eyes for my efforts. “But Mista Fluffy, I wants a playground! I, I gots ta has a playground! I's a growing girl! I needs my egg sir size!”

“Yeah, she needs her warm paws,” Jess mumbled, barely audible over her purring.

“You can climb on me,” I offered. “I am bigger, so that means more fun, right?”

“Hmm.” She stroked her chin and imaginary beard for a moment, before jumping onto me with a joyful, “Yayifications!”

After several wince-filled seconds, Jess regained enough of her composure to huff at me some more. “You've got five seconds to explain why I'm no longer getting an amazing back massage, Fluff-butt.”

“Because,” I said slowly, blowing fire onto my own paws. “This seems like a good time to experiment with something. I have next to no experience with giving massages, so if there's any techniques I can use to help the quality of my massages until I get better with actual skill, I want to take advantage of it. So-”

“A needle pulling thread?” She interrupted with a shit-eating grin.

I blinked for a moment, before protesting. “Hey, that's my line! Thief!”

“Braggart.”

“Hypocrite.”

“Dork.”

“Cheerleader.”

“Fatso.”

“Meanie-head.”

“Gerd.”

“Pfft...”

We both started laughing, much to the confusion of little Kaye, I'm sure, as she started beating both of us with her little paws, proclaiming, “Hey! Is, ish meanness to call other peoples names, meanie-heads! So stoppit!”

Jess wiped a tear from her eye as she asked, “Never?”

“Hmm... Nah!” I grinned back, before breathing fire onto my paws once more. “You mind telling me when I hit a sweet spot?”

“What do I get out of it?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Free massages when I'm not working?”

“Deal!”



“I'm late!”

Dammit Brian! Why did you let me get so distracted?!

It's not my fault I have A.D.O.S. Syndrome! I did my best!

Yeah, well... you still suck!

“Weee!” a certain pink puffball said from my back. “Fasta Fluffy! Fasterer!”

“Kaye,” Jess said from the left, lazily trotting to keep up. “He's not a horse, okay? He's doing the best he can, but it's already been a long day, and on top of that, he's overweight, okay? You can't expect him to be able to go as fast as I can, that's just not fair.”

“Aww... Okay!” Kaye exclaimed, before I felt much lighter. “Go faster, Sissy! Faster than a tallest building!”

I would have laughed, but I needed the air for more important things. Like breathing. Breathing is good. Breathing is very good. Breathing is never not good. Breathing is never not good even under the most strenuous circumstances, do you understand?! The only time it is never not ungood is when the air you're breathing is poisoned gas, and arguably, that's not even air!

We arrived at the outskirts of Ponyville, and I was puffing like the bellows, I'm sure. I was barely more than speed-walking at this point, but I still had to go as fast as I could. I had to! I was late! Late... for the spa!










> Of Spas and Berries
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time I entered the spa, I was almost dripping in sweat again, despite the impromptu bath Kaye provided back at the farm. Still, Kaye was kind enough to bound from Jess's back to open the door for us, a bell ringing from above. “Hello, welcome to The Aloe and Lotus Rejuvenation Spa! Can I make an appointment for... Oh, Fluffy!”

I... Wow, words fail me... Rarity was helping at the spa. And even though she was only the receptionist, she was wearing the Spa uniform, which was a very spiffy towel bandana thing to keep her hair back. Her mane and tail were styled loosely, not having the special curling I saw the past couple days. I was fairly certain before, but after noticing a couple of the sitting patrons eying Rarity when they thought she wasn't looking, I then knew: she must be very attractive for a pony. I guess I could see why, after trying to look dispassionately, ignoring the fact that she was a horse. Er, pony. Equine, thing.

Anyway! She had a spotless coat, her face was perfectly symmetrical, and she carried herself in a way that said she knew she was beautiful, but didn't boast about it every five seconds. She was confident.

And that's it. What? Expected a more analytic description? Come on, I'm a guy. You don't ask a guy how you look.

“And Crystal and Kaye, I wasn't-” Rarity whinnied, flustered. She took a deep breath, then tried again. “Didn't you see the note I left on the table?”

I glanced at Jess and Kaye, but they both shook their heads. How to explain to Rares, hmm... Aha!

“Hey Kaye, when I look at you, think you can imitate an alarm clock?”

“Yepper Peppers!”

I looked back at Rarity, nodding as I began charades. I crossed my forearms, before shaking my head no.

“No?” a gray pegasus mare guessed. I nodded at her, surprised that the spa had a blue couch in the waiting room, until I remembered that they would want patrons to be able to relax, so that it would be easier for their treatments to work.

I pointed at my wrist, where a watch would be worn, but the only guesses were fur, wrist, and orange. I frowned, but I would not be deterred! I made both ears go straight up, before moving my left ear down in exaggerated motions, making sure my ear is jarred with each twitch. Once it reached parallel with the ground, I looked pointedly at Kaye for her to do her thing.

I was impressed. She not only managed to sound, at least somewhat, like an alarm clock, but she even vibrated in place, her fur shaking back and forth in waves.

“Oh! Time! He didn't have time!” the pegasus guessed again, cheering. “He was late!”

I like her. She's pretty cheerful. Upbeat. She's got bubbles on her butt, so I guess she's bubbly? Maybe she makes bubble bath salts? She can blow some good bubbles? I dunno.

“Ah, well, thank you, Ditzy dear,” Rarity nickered, giving the pegasus a smile. “Well, the short of it is, Fluffy, is that due to the princesses... activities, yesterday, many ponies decided they needed to indulge in a relaxing day at the spa, or make sure their backs are alright, so the spa is booked solid for the next couple days; they won't have time to train you until they get caught up, sadly. I volunteered to help, naturally, but I'm afraid that means I won't have time to cook dinner, so-”

“I got it.”

“Um... come again, Fluffy?” Rarity asked.

“Err... Okay,” I mumbled, rubbing my head. I pointed to myself firmly.

“I!”

Okay, that's it. Forget showing Rarity, I should just show whatshername, she understands me! I made a grabbing motion, holding the nothing to my chest.

“Grabbed? Gathered? Got?”

I nodded at the last one, before realising the problem with the last word.

“Oh! I got it?” she asked, smiling as her left eye started to drift a different direction from the other.

“Cool!” Kaye exclaimed, running up to the mare. “How you get your eye to do that? Does it hurt? Did it take lotsa practice? Can you see like a, a Charmeleon? Is you feather super soft? Has you made a pillow from your own featherses?”

“Kaye!” Rarity exclaimed, admonishing the poor pink Eevee. “Don't harass poor Derpy like that! You don't ask ponies lots of questions when you first meet them!”

“Whai nots? How you gets to know them, then?” she asked, her childish innocence not allowing her to make the right connection.

“It's okay, Rarity, really,” Derpy said, smiling. “She's just curious! Learning's a good thing! But, um... I don't know what you're saying, little one, sorry. Maybe you can ask your parents?”

Oh dear God... She had to say the p word, didn't she...

Jess and I looked at each other for all of half a second before shaking our heads rapidly, taking a couple steps away from each other.

“Oh, sorry. I jumped to conclusions again, didn't I?” Derpy said, her ears falling flat on her head.

“Nu-uh!” Kaye said, poking the depressed pony repeatedly. “They is too my fambily! See, this is Cryssy. She's my sissy! An Mista Fluffy, he, he bees mai daddy! I adoptified him, so he still bees learning.”

“I did what now?” I asked Jess, quirking an eyebrow. “What, did she drug me? Get me drunk? Oh dang, she got me drunk, didn't she? Dangit! First time getting drunk and I don't even... Wait, but when have I woken up with a head-”

Try five times your first day, brah, remember?

... Oh yeah. I blame the brain damage from said headaches.

“Right. First day we were here, I kept getting knocked unconscious, so I was a bit tired, achy, and probably suffering brain damage. When we were playing in the dreamscape, the first time we met, near the end she had 'claimed' me, something about Mount. Fluffy, but I thought she was just playing. I didn't know she was an orphan.”

My eyes flickered to Kaye, who was still babbling about her complex family to Derpy, who was nodding along, despite not understanding a single word.

“You know you'll have to tell her at some point, right?” Jess said, arcing an eyebrow at me.

“... Maybe.”

“Maybe?” she hissed, glaring at me. “There's no maybe about it! Unless you're independently wealthy, there's no way you can afford to legally adopt her!”

“But that's just it,” I answered slowly, the gears in my head turning. “Think about where we are! Assuming they figure out a way to get us back home, like they said they would try. From what I've seen in Rarity's shoppe, gems are a lot more common here, as is gold, if they have such a large country, and yet still manage to follow the gold standard. Assuming all that, we would likely be able to take what we've earned with us, right? And what about copyright laws? They only cover the world, at best. There are some things that don't even get copyright outside of the U.S.!”

Jess's eyes widened, so I assume she was following what I was suggesting. “Furthermore, even if we couldn't give them our technology and copyright it, imagine what we might be able to take back with us that we could then copyright? Odds are, that's more likely, as I can't really see the ponies wanting to open communications with Earth, once they hear more about our history. I don't know how patriotic you are, but I don't trust my government not to fuck that up to high heaven and low hell.”

Jess snorted. “That's an understatement.”

“Exactly. So since they wouldn't want to tell Earth about Equestria, surely they wouldn't mind if we were able to take something with us, right? At best, we'd trade technology information, so either way, we'd still profit. Even if I only earned a million dollars with whatever we can take with us, not counting any gold or gems I earn by working, that's more than enough money to invest and grow, and that would allow me to officially adopt Kaye, as I would have the money to be a stay-at-home parent. It would be better if I got married, too, but since I'd have to consider finding and adopting Kaye, that would have to take priority, so dating wouldn't be a likely option.”

Jess blinked, wrapping her tail around her forelegs. After a moment of relative silence, she narrowed her eyes. “Alright, let's make a deal, then.”

A deal? Be careful, brah! She's crafty!

Well duh, she's a girl. Why do you think they make as good business people as men?

“I'm listening.”

“Well, first-”

“Miz Ditzy Doo? Jou kan come back now,” a lilting voice announced from down the hall. Wish I knew what kind of accent it was, but I suck at telling them apart. Still pretty damn sexy, though. Too bad it came from a pony. Sigh.

“Yayifications! C'mon, I always wanted to see a spa!” Kaye cheered, pulling Derpy down the hall. The pegasus mare was chuckling, but I still had to follow. I couldn't leave her alone! She's only a kid, afterall.

“C'mon, we'd better follow before she burns the building down.”

“I was going to say floods myself, but she probably got that out of her system at the barn,” Jess commented, rolling her eyes with a slight smile.

We walked down the short hall, following Derpy and Kaye, before we emerged into a large room. “Velcome! Ve... Ah, Miz Doo, is zis jour... oh, Floofy!”

“Floofy?” Jess snickered, hiding her mouth behind a paw.

I chuckled nervously, more at Aloe than Jess. I opened my mouth to speak, but of course, Kaye started talking first. “Can we watch? Can we can we can we?”

“Vat?”

Pantomiming time! I pointed at my eyes, then to Kaye.

“Jou're vatching ze leetle von?” the mare asked, her eyes flickering from Kaye to me.

I nodded, smiling. Then I pointed to Kaye, then my eyes, then waved my paw at the building.

“She wants to watch?” Derpy guessed, not even flinching as Kaye scrambled onto the pegasus' back.

“Pwease?”

Derpy turned her head to look at the pink Eevee on her back.


Kaye used her ability, Cute Charm!
It hit the enemy Derpy!
The enemy Derpy is Infatuated!
What will she do?


“Of course you can sweetie!” Derpy cooed, giving the Eevee a nuzzle. “Err, assuming it's okay with them, I mean.”

Aloe shrugged, looking at me and Jess for help. When we looked at each other, Aloe sighed, then said, “As long as she don't disturb the other customer, she can stay.”

“Yayifications!”



“Well, I learned a lot,” Jess said, walking next to me as we headed to the Library.

“Yeah, no kidding,” I added, shaking my head. “They're really, really skilled if they can make other ponies that relaxed and rejuvenated using their hooves. That's a lot to live up to, but at least I do have an advantage. Well, two, technically.”

“Oh, me me me! Pick me! I can guess!” Kaye chanted from my back, rocking back and forth. “Ish cause you has soft paws, an can make them super duper hot to relaxify the muscles?”

“Exactly!” I said, before realising I shouldn't be encouraging such a hyperactive kid. “Speaking of relaxing, what do you say we find some books to read?”

“But Mista Fluffy, I dun understand their weird wordses! They look funny,” Kaye said, crossing her forelegs in an adorable pout.

“That... is a good point.” I frowned, then blinked. “Wait... Then all we have to do is find a book about their ABC's, get a few kids books, and then we can learn how to read! It shouldn't be too complicated, unless their grammar and sentence structures are vastly different.”

“Yeah, hope you don't mind if I let you do most of the figuring it out,” Jess said with a yawn. “I was never good at phonics or foreign languages. Too busy dood- err, doing homework,” she said slowly, eyes flickering to me before the door opened.

Dude? That's gotta be short for something. Hmm... Brian, mind putting that on the back-burner?

Eh, I guess. Seems interesting enough. Besides, I want to figure out more about this mysterious woman.

Eh, sure, alright. Have fun with that, thanks.

“Wispy!” Kaye exclaimed, before jumping from my back to Wisp's, glomping her. “I's so glad to see you! We, we's gonna find some books an learn how to read! Wanna join us?”

“I guess.” She sighed, letting her head sag onto the main table. “Twilight's given up.”

“On the translation spell?” I asked, a pit forming in my stomach. Twilight can't figure out a translation spell? How is she going to figure out an inter-dimensional travel spell to get us home?! We're gonna be stuck here forever?

“Huh? Oh, no, of course not! She just...” Wisp bobbed her head back and forth. “She's just decided to take a different avenue of approach to figuring out the spell, that's all. She says it's not so much of a direct translation as she thought, and there's too many inconsistencies with what is said and what is meant.”

“Huh... Well, that makes sense, I suppose,” I said, scratching my chin. “Especially when you consider that there are some Pokemon that only have one or two syllables to work with, and there are others with more than four. I guess it would be next to impossible that way. She probably has to figure out an intent-to-speech spell, or something that verbalizes thoughts instead of-”

“That's a stupid idea,” Jess interrupted, shaking her head. “Verbalizing thoughts? That's the last thing you want. You'd accidentally insult everyone you met. 'Does this dress make me look fat?' 'Of course it makes your hips look big; you'd have to be blind not to see that!' Yeah, that sounds like a brilliant idea.”

“That... is a very fair point,” I conceded, nodding. “Thanks for that.”

“No problem.”

*Knock knock knock*

“Er, hello? It's Moonstone. May I come in? We, that is to say, Prince Blueblood and I, well... Um, help?”

I looked at Jess, but she only shrugged. “Don't look at me. I thought Blueblood said he was going to explore the edge of the Everfree Forest, or whatever it's called. Maybe they ran into some poison ivy?”

Kaye bounded to the door, opening it with a slam as she proceeded to glomp the albino Umbreon. “Mista Moony! Yayifications! Where bees Aunt Loony?”

“Princess Luna is watching the strange plant we found, to make sure it doesn't do anything weird,” Moonstone said, wincing slightly as Kaye scrambled onto his back. Kaye didn't notice her claws were extended, apparently.

“Weird?” I mumbled, thinking, before my eyes shot open. “Show us!”

“But I need to get Princess Twilight. It's why I'm here,” Moonstone said, confused.

“What's going on?” said princess inquired, coming in from the kitchen.

“Moonstone said he found a strange plant, so Princess Luna and Blueblood are waiting for you to investigate it. Or maybe take notes, I'm not sure,” Wisp explained, forehoof scratching at the floor.

“Think they do that when they're nervous or unsure?” I breathed to Jess, glancing at her from the corner of my eye.

“Probably a reflexive habit. I doubt they do it on purpose, since it's such an obvious tell,” she suggested.

“Oh? Well that sounds interesting enough,” Twilight said, though her eyes seemed unfocused. “It sounds like a good break from this troublesome translation spell, if only for a few hours. Alright, let's go! Spike!”

The short, purple dragon poked his head in from the other room, which I guess from the sounds and smells was likely the kitchen. “Yeah Twi? What'cha need?”

“I need you to watch the Library for me while I'm gone, alright?”

“Aye aye! You can count on me!” Spike saluted.

I couldn't help but notice he was wearing an apron that said 'Will work for gems.' Makes sense. After all, dragons sleep on gems, right? Seems kind of small for a dragon, though... Wait, didn't someone say something about him being a baby or something? Meh, I'll worry about that later. If the plant is what I think it is, this could be our chance to get rich! Allons-y!



“I freaking knew it!” I crowed, prancing in place. “We're rich! We're rich we're rich we're rich!”

“Why are you rich?” Wisp asked, looking from the plant to me. “What-”

“It's a berry plant!” I exclaimed, hugging the little sapling carefully. “Berries are one of the main sources of food for all Pokemon!”

After relaying the information, Twilight said, “I don't know. Doesn't look like any berry plant I've seen... And how did it grow so fast?”

I opened my mouth, but then quickly shut it as Brian began talking.

Don't tell them!

Why not? I mean they-

If you tell them how easily they grow, then they'll take it and grow the berries themselves, and we won't get anything! This is our chance to get rich!

W-well yeah, sure, but I don't want to like steal from anyone! What about Jay? She struggles enough as it is selling her apples! If we introduce berries that are large and bountiful, and grow like hot-cakes, then we'd be screwing her over! I can't do that to her!

We don't know how easily they grow. We have an idea, but we don't know.

“Well,” I said, before Brian could try to talk me further into being a selfish git. “From what the game says, they're fairly easy to grow. In the game, they grow roughly every twenty-four hours, but how much that time is an actual, accurate representation, and how much is gameplay making it manageable for the players to grow as many berries as they want is an unknown.”

“Then what should we do?” Twilight asked, stepping away from the plant. “It could be poisoning the dirt for all we know.”

“It wouldn't do that,” Jess cut in, sniffing the plant. “If it poisoned the dirt, how would it grow? In the game, the best you could do was make the soil dry out by not watering it enough. They need a lot of water, but that's part of how they justify their rapid growth as well.”

“So, again, what do we do?” Twilight asked impatiently, tapping a hoof. “We can't take any samples, because there's only one plant.”

“We transplant it and look for more plants! Look,” I said, starting to pace. “Jay has a large field they haven't been able to use for some years because they don't have the pony-power, right?”

“Sad,” Jay said, lowering her hat, “but true.”

“Then how about this? You let Jess, Moony and I take over that field, at the expense of a percentage of the crop's yield or profits, depending on whichever turns out to be more profitable.”

“Shucks, you could just use th' field. It's not like it's being used anyway,” Jay argued with Wisp, shrugging.

Jess looked at me with wide eyes, smiling widely, but I shut her down. “Sorry, Jess, but I'd rather you hate me than gain money dishonorably. Think of it as a lease. Should we get enough money, maybe then we can buy the land fairly, alright?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. “Right. Sorry, I wasn't thinking, I guess. Everyone here is so much more generous than back home, it's easy to take advantage of it, I guess.”

“Well, think of it this way, Jess. If we got lucky, and this is one of the important berries, like Sitrus, Leppa, or Lum, think of the medicines they might be able to create from our berries. Think of what health things could be done. Think of the multitude of recipes will be created with the addition of berries. We're talking about mountains of copyrights, heaps of royalties! This could be the medical and or culinary breakthrough of the millenia!”

“So... Since I discovered it, does that mean I get to name the plant?” Moonstone asked hopefully, perking up. “I've always wanted to name something...”

Jess and I looked at each other, realising the same thing: Moonstone was the one who found the plant. Technically, all rights should go to him first. “Well,” Jess said slowly, propping one foreleg to her chin with the other. “It all depends on whether the plant is new or not. If it's one from the game, then really, the name should stay the same, but you would get full credit for having discovered the plant in that instance, Moon. Say... You're fairly young, aren't you?”

“Err, I'm sixteen,” he said, looking around. “Is that young?”

“No, that's just right,” Jess purred, walking up to him with her hips swaying slightly. “So tell me, Moonstone. Have you ever had any interests in farming?”

“Huh? I guess a little, maybe. I know fifteen different recipes for grass, does that count?”

Jess blinked, then shrugged. “Sure, I don't see why not. Now, would you be willing to let Fluffy and I take the plant off your paws? We'll grow it for you, nurture it, and in exchange, you'll get part of the profits. That sound fair?”

“I guess?” Moonstone looked to Luna, looking for help.

Poor Wisp was tripping over every other sentence, trying to keep up. After a minutes, Luna frowned. “So the question is who the plant belongs to?”

“More or less,” I admitted, not trusting Jess to beat around the bush.

“Tis a simple matter. Moonstone found it first, so tis up to him what he wants done with it.” Luna nodded decisively, turning away.

“I don't know,” Moonstone said, looking back and forth. “What do I do with a plant?”

“You grow it, of course,” I said, smiling at the poor kid. I know he's sixteen, but he's more like a kid than an adult. “You grow it, nurture it, and then replant it. That simple.”

“I don't know,” he repeated, pawing at the ground. “I don't know about growing things. I only ever knew about magic, and that's been taken away from me, so-”

“Then let us help,” I interrupted, placing a paw on his shoulder. “We'll show you how to do things, and we'll do the work, and we'll give you part of the crop as payment, alright?”

“I guess...”

“Okay then,” I said smiling at the confused Umbreon. “Let's get this bush transplanted, and then you can search for more plants if you want, alright?”

“Yer gonna need an Earth Pony to grow that plant, though,” Jay said, readjusting her hat. “If you want to make sure it grows healthy and strong, that is. Before you ask,” she continued, holding up a hoof, “ah can't. Ah'm too busy with mah apples as it is.”

“Well, do you know anyo-anypony looking for work?”

“Not... really,” Applejack said, frowning. “I mean, there is Berry Punch. She used to own a vineyard, but then... Not sure what exactly happened, really, but now she basically spends a good portion of the day drinking.”

I looked at Jess, and I could see the same mad glint in her eye that I'm sure was in mine. “Sounds like a lead to me! C'mon, let's go check her out! Maybe she's just been waiting for a chance to turn her life around. Let's got give her a second chance! What do you say, Kaye?”

“Kaye says we should go get miss pretty pony to help!” Kaye cheered, bouncing up and down. “C'mon, Moony, let's go find a pretty nerth pony to help us growify the, the berries!”

“Are you sure?” Wisp asked, quirking an eyebrow. “I'm willing to help translate, of course, but are you sure she's the best-”

“Oh come on, Wispy, where's you, you sense of adventures?” Kaye asked, tilting her head.

“Yeah, we're sure, Wisp,” I said, speaking for all of us. “Everypony deserves a second chance!”

“Besides, we're not about to question our moves now! No time!” Jess said with a malicious grin, looking at me from the corner of her eye.

“Oh, oh oh oh! I knows dis song!” Kaye cheered, bouncing in place. “C'mon, Mista Fluffy, we gots ta sing it now! Ish, ish a ruler!”

I sighed, then started laughing. “Alright, why not. I'm a horrible singer, but since you ask, I suppose there's worse things to do on the way to find Berry. Lead on, Kaye!”











> Beatings Are Magic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several hours later, and I was really starting to feel the dull ache from my muscles. Still, it would be worth it in the end, I kept telling myself. Either that, or I’ll die. You know, whatever comes first.

“Well, that meeting was certainly,” Jess said slowly, waving a paw around as she searched for the right word.

“Interesting?”

“Yes, that,” she agreed, shaking her head. “What did you think of her story? Didn’t it sound-”

“Incredibly, horribly unlawful and or lacking in substance with details?” I guessed, doing my best to keep my voice down, as Kaye was taking a nap on what seemed to be her favourite bed: me. 

Ugh, great. My legs are starting to shake a little now. This right here, is part of why I hate exercising. This and sweat.  I mean, muscles burning I can handle. That doesn’t bug me. Heck, I almost like it. But I hate sweat, and I hate feeling weak, or something simple like bending over hurting like a-

Brah, come on, we got a kid on board! Watch the mouth!

Yeah, as soon as she can hear me, I’ll get right on that shit. Until then, bugger off! Friggin prick.

“Yeah, that,” Jess repeated, frowning. “There’s no way what she said was the whole story. You don’t just go from owning an entire vineyard to being forced to choose between it and your daughter. If that’s all there is to it, then how is that not a court case? How has she never tried to take legal action? Why didn’t she just make him take a long walk off a short pier?”

“There’s always blackmail,” I said after a moment, thinking. “Even though she seemed a little tipsy, there were a few places I heard her stumble with word choice, or her words didn’t match her posture. There’s more to this, and she either doesn’t trust us, or she can’t talk about it.”

“So what do we do?” 

I opened the door to Carousel Boutique, noting the lack of crusaders. “We research. Learning how to read has to be a must if we’re going to look into law. Aside from that, just try to help her and uh… Rupee, as much as we can without being obvious.”

“Yeah, so how are-” Jess stopped talking as I started to take out ingredients from the pantry and put them on the kitchen table. I grabbed one of the table chairs so I could see what Rarity had in the cabinets above the stove. “Um… What are you doing?”

“Seeing what I have to work with, duh,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “Come on, cabinets, daddy needs some spices and garnishes…”

“... You can seriously cook?”

*Gasp!* “A chest!”

“Huh?”

I opened the chest slowly, making sure to give it the proper reverence as I sang the song of its people. “I found the thing!” I sang, holding up bottles of spices above my head. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were stars in my eyes, honestly. “Just smell how fresh these are! I wouldn’t be surprised if they were just picked a few days ago!”

Jess wasn’t impressed. “Dork. They probably were picked just a few days ago. This is a farming community, remember?”

“Meh, semantics,” I wave a paw at her, setting everything down on the table. Ignoring her scowling, I started sorting out my spoils. “Now, lesse… Umm… Well fudge.”

“There’s fudge?! Where? Give it to me!”

I blinked as there was now a female in my face, whose eyes were on fire, locked with my own. “Um, whut?”

She took a long breath through her nose, before growling, “Give me the damn fudge, or I’ll rip your eyes out. That simple enough for you?”

I blink, before going to Brian for help, as I clearly overlooked something.

Er, Brian? I could use some help here, brah. What’s up?

If I had to guess, it would be when you said ‘fudge’. That couldn’t possibly be it, though. That’s too obvious. Women are more crafty than that.

Hmm… Whelp, I guess that answers that. “I uh, Jess? Could you maybe back up a little? I was just cursing. I don’t have any fudge yet, and I’m not s-”

“You promised me fudge, and by God, I am going to get me fudge even if I have to-”

“I can’t read!” I interrupted, waving my forepaws back and forth. “I can’t make any because I can’t read the damn bags! I could try to guess what’s what by tasting everything, but I don’t know what they might have that could be poisonous to us! Just because a lot of what we’ve seen is the same doesn’t mean that everything is! It only takes one mistake to kill you with cooking.”

“How could-”

“Farscape, season one, episode two. ‘I, E.T.’ Crichton-”

“Was looking for a numbing agent for Moya, and then found out the planet they landed on used it as a seasoning for food,” Jess said slowly, blinking. “Oh. Well, uh… fair enough… But then how are you going to cook dinn-”

“Wee! Cooking party!”

The room exploded in confetti and streamers, obscuring my vision. I panicked a little, releasing a mild Flamethrower at the paper blocking my eyes, and to my great relief, it turned to ash instantly, though then I had to worry about making sure it didn’t get into the food. Dammit physics...



“I can’t believe you managed to make healthy pancakes taste good,” Jess mumbled, stuffing another flapjack into her mouth roll-up style. 

“Eh, I do what I can. Helps that I learned a few recipes watching Master Chef,” I replied. “Seriously, I’m nothing compared to those people. I’m not very imaginative when it comes to food,” I said, frowning as I scooped a few berries onto a pancake of my own. “I can imitate something easily enough, but creating new recipes from scratch? I kind of suck at that…”

“Whatever. Where did you learn how to cook?” she asked, before taking a drink of orange juice.

“My dad,” I admitted, shrugging. “He was… I shouldn’t say sick from birth, but he had a valve in his heart or whatever that didn’t quite function fully or something, so he wasn’t as strong as everybody else was. He got cancer when I was one or two, so the radiation treatments made him even weaker after that. Which is really a shame, because he loved kids. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten fat if he had been able to play outside with us and stuff, but whatever. All I ever really knew of him was that he loved to read, loved to cook, and loved video games like Baldur’s Gate and Civilization III.”

“Wait, your dad played those?” Jess interrupted, her eyes growing wide. “Wow. My dad refused to even look at video games unless I asked for them for Christmas or something.”

“Oh yeah,” I answered, grinning widely. “Grew up watching my parents play the classics, so I-”

“Your mom played video games?!” Jess exclaimed, jaw dropping.

“You bet! Nintendo came out around the time they were finishing college, so it was perfect timing.” I swear, it never gets old, watching people’s faces when I tell them I got into video games because my parents played them first. Simply priceless, I tell ya! “I grew up watching them play Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior, Lufia, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger… Heck, once, my mom rented Super Mario R.P.G. from a Family Video rental store, and played it straight for three days. I don’t even think she noticed when I stayed up all night to watch her play, but she beat it just in time for us to leave for church without being late.”

“You’re pulling my leg,” Jess accused, narrowing her eyes. “There’s no way your mom is that awesome.”

“Eh, she tries,” I reply with a grin, before taking another large bite of food. “She couldn’t keep up, though. Anything remotely close to real time is too fast for her.”

“That’s a shame,” Jess sighed, shaking her head. “Still, on a positive note: dessert!”

Fan-freaking-finally! Dessert! The best meal of the day! The most sweet, savory, delicious-

My left eye twitched as Jess took the last two bowls of ice-cream, swallowing one bowl whole, practically. How… how can she just inhale the ice cream?! There’s no way she even tasted that! That is such a waste! “You uh, going to give me my bowl anytime soon, or are you going to keep staring at it?”

She held the second one a moment longer, tilting her head before grinning. “Nah. This isn’t for you, moron!”

“W-what?!” My mouth gaped as I tried to figure out how or why it wasn’t for me.

She held it in front of me, just out of reach. “You’re on a diet, remember? You want it? Well you’ll have to catch me first! Who was it that said you wanted lose weight? Oh, that’s right, you! I’m just trying to be a contributing member to society by helping you help yourself, that’s all.”

“Objection! You just want more ice-cream for yourself!” I slammed my forepaws on the table, pointing at her in accusation.

“Overruled!” Jess taunted, sticking her tongue out. “This is going to be shared with Kaye, which nullifies any potential selfishness of my actions! Now come and get me, fire-butt!”



“Wow,” Jess said from somewhere behind me.

Ow... B-Brian, if we don't make it...

Such a drama king, he sighed.

T-tell Jess that I l-

You wot?!

Tell her... that I loathe her entirely!

… Yeah, sure. Will do.

Oh, oh man, that... that just made my night. Do you know how hard it is to make your own brain do a spit-take?

“That was kind of pathetic,” Jess said, her voice low.

I moaned as I started to roll over, before finding out, yet again that day, that I'm a moron. Apparently, it hurts like * if you try to roll over when you're covered in bruises, and your muscles are all exhausted. Who knew?

I forced my eyes open to find Jess pouting, her forelegs crossed. “Jess, what did you expect?” I whimpered, shutting my eyes again in vain hope that the throbbing throughout my body would disappear magically. What? You never know! This world is already freaky enough, so who knows what might happen?

“Not that,” she answered, grumbling. “You attacked, like... twice.”

“Well gee, I wonder why!” I snarked, rolling my eyes.

You would think that my eyes would be the only part of me that wasn't tired, but strangely, you'd be wrong! I guess while my eyes are mostly fixed due to... Hell if I know what, they're not used to the strain of not wearing glasses, or... I don't know. Damn, I am getting sick and tired of saying that all the time. Tomorrow, I am re-learning how to read, so I can start learning shit about magic. Maybe there's something I can do with Pokemon magic and mix it with uh... unicorn magic, I guess, and do stuff.

“It's not like I did anything strenuous this morning, like try to pull a plow for two or three hours. It's not like I got my ass kicked for opening my stupid mouth when I shouldn't have. It's not like I've been walking or running for half the damn day!” I stopped trying to force my body back up, enjoying the feeling of grass against my fur. Actually feel quite nice, really.

Jess tapped a paw on the dirt, frowning, before she sighed, her ears drooping a bit. “Fine, I guess I shouldn't have expected more from you. I guess I overestimated your desire for dessert.”

“No, really?” I rolled a little bit onto my back, since that area had the fewest bruises, before curling my tail back up and around my leg. There wasn't really anything to see at all, granted. Ac-

Yo. So uh, Fluffy here is about to muse about some stuff that may or may not be appropriate for all of you listening to this story, so... yeah. Viewer discretion is advised and stuff. Or something. Hell, this might not even be as bad as I think it is, but better safe than sorry, yeah? Anyway, sorry for interrupting. Go back to... whatever it was you were doing. Thanks.

Yeah, thanks, Brian, but I'm pretty sure that the teen rating covers this. It's not like I'm talking about... ah... anything descriptive. If anything, your warning is only hyping something that shouldn't be hyped, and makes people think they're about to hear a lemon story or something! Come on, man, think of the kids!

I'd rather not think about the kids when you're about to talk about what you're gonna talk about, thank you very much!

I... that... … Huh. Touche.

Thank you! Now, back to Fluffy, who tries to think something through logically. Yeah, enjoy his stupidity. I know I will!

Hey!

Hay is for horses, grass is for free, live on a barn and get all three!

... Prick.

Anyway... That doesn't make much sense, come to think of it... I mean, 'it' is there when I need to go to the bathroom, or when I'm talking a shower, but 'it' isn't there the rest of the time. Is that like Pokemon magic, then, or... I mean, I'm not going to turn into a girl or anything, am I? Oh crap, that might actually be a valid concern!

Can I turn into a girl? I mean, technically it's possible back on Earth with surgeries, chemicals, and shots, isn't it? I mean, it's not like I ever did any research on trans-gender people, so maybe I'm just being stupid! We only talked about it briefly in Psychology, and that doesn't really count, because it was only for a day we talked about it, and-

Okay, okay, just... calm down. Yeah. Logic. Gotta use logic. Logic helps solve everything, right?

Not really. Doesn't solve how women think, or love, or-

Shut up, Brian! Now, let's see... Have I been acting more like a girl? I don't think so... I mean, just because 'it' is gone most of the time doesn't mean anything... right? I'm still acting like me... I don't feel like there's strange chemicals in my blood, so there's that, right? I mean, if you just changed genders, then in theory, you'd be able to feel how different you are, right?

I mean, I still have to keep thinking about other stuff cause my mind wanders to sex, so-

“Apples!” I exclaimed, trying to fight the heat that was making its way to my face. “Let's talk about apples!”

Jess blinked, then asked, “W-what?”

“Apples!” I explained, nodding furiously. “Let us not forget about our friends, the misunderstood apples. People think they're so common that they're not worthy of notice!”

“Are... you okay, Glenn?”

Nope! I am most certainly not okay! I didn't notice that you said my name name, and I'm most certainly not trying to not think about sex! Nope!

“Yepper Peppers! I'm just peachy! I always talk and think about apples when I'm trying not to think about something, you know?” I rambled, talking as quickly as I could. Smart people in lab coats have proven that talking faster makes your brain forget stuff faster! “So we can talk about peppers! Or no, wait, peaches! Peaches are nice to talk about, cause they're fuzzy, but then some people say that-”

“Nope! That doesn't work,” I interrupted myself, thinking back to a story that got ruined for me by a friend who liked to talk about you-know-what a lot. Am I being immature for a twenty-two year old? Perhaps, but dammit if I let any more of my innocence get screwed over before I get married!

“Gotta talk about something else. Bananas, maybe? Nope, that doesn't work either, so maybe carrots! Wait, no, they're too similar, s- oh hey, look! Does that galaxy look like a purple pizza to you?”

I would like to take a moment to apologise to anyone who is confused by what's been going on. If it helps, that's what I was trying to do to myself, so I think I succeeded! I'm now confused, and not thinking about... um, whatever it was I was thinking about before. Yay short attention span!

“I uh... suppose it does?” Jess answered, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh come on, gurl, sit yo'self down and stare at the stars!” I said energetically, pulling her down to the grass. “Like, for serial, dis gun be awesome! We gots new stars, new constellations, new... um, stuffs! C'mon!”

“What... just happened to you?” Jess asked slowly, trying to inch away. As if I wouldn't notice!

“Gurl, I'm just, like, totally trying to ignore my pain and stuff, so this is what I'm doin'. If you can't tolerate my random zone, then that ain't mah problem, gurl! I'm just tryin' ta chillax and take in the sights, but you're being all negative and stuff. Gah! Jess, you through off my groove!” I exclaimed, throwing up my paws. “I had this accent thing going, and then you just come along and let me start rambling, and I talked myself out of my fake accent! This is all your fault! Now the stargazing stuff is ruined, which is horrible, cause that was where you were gonna realise that I have a sensitive side, and then we were gonna talk all night and stuff, laughing and joking around, and then you were gonna magically fall in love with me because we're surrounded by magic and stuff!”

To her credit, she only blinked once before she slashed my face with her claws. Ow. “Kaye tell you to do that?”

“Yep!” I answered with a grin, ignoring how my face now felt like it was on fire. “She kept harassing me about how we're 'perfectionalist' for each other, and how we'd be the most 'cuterific' couple, so to get her to shut up, I said I'd try.”

“You didn't try very hard,” Jess pointed out, blinking.

“Well duh,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “I had called you... you-know-what this morning, so like I would really ever have a chance in asking you out, if I even was interested.”

“Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!”

“It means I'm not interested in a relationship while I'm still fat.” I groaned as I popped my back, falling back to the ground on my side. Ow.

“What?” Oh good, it looks like she's calming down.

“Just a warning, the following is going to be a very sexist thing to think, and I know that,” I said, trying not to yawn. Oh come on! It's only, like, seven o'clock! I can't be tired already!

After Jess nodded slowly, I started to explain. “Well, see, it's like this... A husband is supposed to provide for his family, yes? Take care of them, protect them, provide for them, and so on, right?”

“Women can too, you know,” she growled.

I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my snout with a paw. “I know. I never said they couldn't, did I? No, I said 'men' and 'supposed'. If a woman wants to work, fine. Whatever. I don't care. That's between the husband and wife to figure out. But going back to that,” I said slowly, trying to keep from getting depressed. “How can I date... How can I try to find and prove to a potential wife that I can take care of her, encourage her, and provide for her and any potential children if I can't even take care of my own body?”

Yay silence! Nothing's more awkward than silence! Nope!

“I... I know there's flaws in that line of thinking,” I admitted quietly, only just noticing that the crickets had been chirping for awhile. “I know it's making it about me instead of a potential 'us', but... I just can't not think that. I know it's sexist, Jess. I know it is, but I can't think differently. It's just... who I am.”

“You talk a lot,” Jess said blank-faced, blinking. “I feel sorry for whatever girl you do manage to get interested in you.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, so do I...”

“... So, Kaye wants us to get together?” she asked, starting to laugh.

“It's what she said,” I answered, yawning again.

“Do you wanna troll her a little?” she asked with an evil grin on her face.

“Well, that sounds pretty darn mean,” I mumbled, trying to keep my eyes open. “Sure, why not? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?”

Oh you stupid, moronic bastard...

You're telling me... Then again, who's the bigger idiot? The idiot, or the idiot who follows the idiot?

Oh please, like it was entirely your fault, Jess. You didn't know what Fluffy was like yet!

Maybe... But I still should have known better. Oh well... Who knows what would have changed otherwise?

So... you're saying no regrets?

Maybe not no regrets... But I wouldn't change what we did, no.

Alright. Just checking... Say, what's Bluebitch been up to?

You just don't like him because he called you a mutt when he first met you!

Meh, tomato zucchini.

... I will get you back for that, jerk! Just wait until next chapter!









> Wherein Muscles Rebel
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attention stupid writing apparatus,

So we actually got stuff done today too, despite Glenn being nigh-incapacitated all day. Then again, I suppose the dork is lucky he’s a nerd, as his brain still works even when his muscles are recovering. Anyway, we-



Pain… I am getting so sick and tired of waking up to pain...

And I’m sick and tired of hearing you bitch about waking up to pain, but you don’t see me complaining, do you? No, you don’t, so shut up already!

Oh, that’s easy for you to say! You’re not the one that has to put up with this!

Brah, I have to put up with you. That deserves a reward in and of itself.

Note to self: when I’m in pain, Brian mega-evolves from bitch to mega whiny bitch. Good to know!

“Fl...y, w… cup!”

~Leave me alo-ho-hone~

“C’mon, wake up!”

I gave the most pitiful whimper I could manage, tears already forming in my eyes as I looked at my tormentor, the destroyer of peaceful dreams: Sweetie Belle.

“Come on, Miss Sonata is gonna be here in less than an hour, and we still have to get clean and eat breakfast!” she explained, tugging on my tail.

Strangely, that doesn't hurt nearly as much as you might think. It's akin to tugging on your hair, but it doesn't hurt as much, and it's like it's in the middle-bottom of your back. It's more weird-feeling than painful, but it was still enough to cause me to accidentally roll over onto the ground.

Ah yes, the ground. The ground is very polite, you know. Not many people take the time to appreciate the ground for being so steadfast. Sure, the ground might be a little... abusive, from time to time, but it's just trying to remind you how much you need it! You don't need all of that air between it and you. That's just getting in the way of personal time, and the ground doesn't like it when you take extended leaves of absence... The further away you get from it, the more it has to punish you when you return to its loving embrace.

Personally, I try to stay away from high places. Not because I dislike the view, but more because I'm afraid one of the ground's ex's will come along and stab me in the back, before shoving me off whatever I'm cheating on to return me to ground. Granted, I have yet to push the ground to its limits, where it wanted to kill me, or even seriously maim me for my transgressions, but today... Today I felt a taste of what it would be like if I ever cheated on the ground big time, and it was not pretty.

For those of you who are analogy-impaired, here's the low down from the ding-dong. (Hey, I'm no stranger to self-depreciation.) I fell a couple feet from Sweetie's bed to the floor, smashing a good dozen or so bruises in the process, as well as jostling all of my aching, leaden muscles quite harshly.

To put my feelings in but a single word: *whimper*

“Fluffy! Oh no! Are you alright? S-sis, help! I think I killed Fluffy!”

“Sweetie, I thought I told you to leave poor Fluffy alone!” I heard Rarity's voice coming from downstairs.

“I was just trying to get him to wake up for breakfast, that's all!” Sweetie protested from the top of the stairs, stomping a tiny hoof. D'aww, isn't she adorable? She thinks she's a grown horse! Silly Sweetie, you're supposed to learn how to abuse your cute before you become an adult. Then, right when you’ve got it figured out, you hit puberty and it doesn’t work anymore! Silly pony.

Moaning yet again, (yes, I know I'm a wimp. Go bitch about my bitching somewhere else, ktnxbai.) I slowly forced my body to at least get to a kneeling position. I was woken up quite thoroughly now, which meant I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep any time soon, so I might as well make my way to the bath. The hot water should help loosen up my torn muscles, at least enough to help me get down the stairs without just turning into a huma- err, Pokemon slinky.

Still, I hope you don't mind if I skip the bath and other boring parts. I mean, you don't need a detailed description of me taking a bath, do you?

I didn't think so.

Thankfully, Rarity was generous enough to make breakfast for us, allowing me to remain collapsed on a cushion. I hate exercising... I hate how your limbs feel like leaden jelly. I mean, it's a contradiction! It's really hard to move them, but when you do, they shake and struggle to support your weight! What kind of BS is that?!

Anyway, Rarity gave both myself and Sweetie Belle a fairly large helping of scrambled eggs, with cheese, onions, bell peppers...

Needless to say, I was a very, very happy Flareon. Add in two large glasses of some good, old fashioned apple juice, and I was almost dozing on my cushion again, too content to be ashamed about purring.

Oh, that’s right, I guess I forgot to mention that amidst all of the insanity that’s been going on the past few days. My old collar got burned, so I’m currently accessoryless at the moment, if that’s a word. If it’s not, I’m totally calling dibs on making it a word!

Anywho, I had explained to Wisp about how my fire worked, and it turns out that Rarity actually had some fire-resistant cloth! It’s very expensive, though, as it’s very difficult to obtain. Supposedly, it comes from some sort of worm that lives in the desert, and the silk it makes its cocoon from is highly flame retardant, to the point where you could burn the cloth to clean it of oil and dirt, to an extent. I was shocked when she offered to turn it into a cushion for me to lay on, but when she explained that I’d be able to heat it up without burning it, it was hard to argue. 

Still, I plan on paying her back, somehow. These ponies have been beyond kind and generous, and I’m no moocher! I’d never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t do something for them in return. I just… haven’t figured out what I could possibly do for them. Doesn’t help that they have magic. Half of the technology I could share with them would be pointless, and a lot more would be dangerous if used wrongly, so… This is gonna take awhile...

Still, gotta stay focused! Still, there’s not much to do at the moment, so I guess I’ll just rela-

I winced as I heard a poor, innocent A-sharp get mauled horrendously. For the rest of you non-musical-obsessive types, that means that it was ever so slightly flat. I mean, I know I was sensitive to pitch when I was a human, but now it was like it was amplified even further! Damned dog ears!

“Fluffy? What’s wrong?” Sweetie Belle asked, the note having stopped a moment before.

It took me a moment to notice that both of my ears has gone horizontal, facing away from Sweetie Belle in an attempt to block the sound better. I glanced at the ground, before pointing to her, then the ground.

“I’m… dirt?”

I facepalmed, barely restraining a wince as my arms protested. Geeze, I know I’m weak, but that just takes the cake… Dammit Brian, stop teasing me!

... Bitch I like cake, and I’ll eat it wherever I damn well want to, thank you very much!

Bastard. I looked around for another example, before I gave up, trying to use my paws. I pointed to her, then made a line by pulling my two paws away from each other.

“I’m stretchy?”

“Wow, that’s something I wasn’t expecting to see.”

I blinked, then turned to the hallway, where Rarity was standing next to a gorgeous pegasus. If I were a pony, she is definitely the pony I would have a hard-core crush on. No, I am not ashamed to admit it, and you will never be able to embarrass me about it. Her coat was medium lilac, with a long, star-blue mane, and her mark thingy was two eighth-notes with stars as the bottom.

“So you finally caved and got Sweetie a pet?” the mare asked, looking to Rarity.	

“Err, well, that is to say,” Rarity nickered, looking back and forth between us.

“Fluffy isn’t just a pet!” Sweetie Belle protested, squeaking adorably.

Seriously, she needs to stop doing that, or I’m going to go from being pre-diabetic and skip all the way to being type one diabetic, and I do not want to have to give myself shots in the stomach! I… don’t do well with needles… Gotta think of something else, or I’m going to lose my breakfast...

“He’s an alien from another world who can breathe fire and is really smart and is a super-warm pillow and my friend! He’s not some dumb dog, he’s Fluffy!”

Wow. I guess when you put it like that, I sound a little more awesome… A fire-breathing alien that’s a pillow? You don’t hear stuff like that every day!

“Then why can’t he talk?” she questioned, tilting her head to the side.

“Because Pokemon are stupid ass shit like that,” I replied, though the effect was ruined by a large yawn at the end.

The pegasus blinked, before backing away one hoof at a time. “Right, well, if you don’t mind, Rarity, I’ll just be waiting in the usual room for Sweetie’s lesson, alright?”

“Whatever you need, Star,” Rarity said, giving the pegasus a hug. “Thanks again for making the trip every week.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you’re paying me or anything,” the purple mare replied, rolling her eyes. The effect was ruined by her teeth, however, as she was grinning.

“Oh you-” Rarity huffed, swatting the other mare with a forehoof. “Sweetie will be over in just a minute once she’s finished eating and warmed up. You can ignore Fluffy, though. He won’t bother you, I’m sure. He’s too much of a gentlecolt for that, right?”

I nodded my head rapidly, crossing my heart with a claw. I wasn’t about to blow my first chance to listen to or communicate with a pony who specialised in music! That’s just… no! Just no! 

“See? He shan’t bother you, Star. Now can I get you anything? Iced tea, perhaps?” Rarity started walking to the refrigerator, already charging her horn.

“No need,” the pretty pegasus answered, tittering. What? Don’t judge me! I'm a sucker for those shades of purple and blue, okay? She almost looks like one of my dragons, except that she has no black. Then again, I haven’t really seen a dark pony here at all, aside from Luna, so I shouldn’t be shocked.

“Alright, just checking. Sweetie, come on, hurry up,” Rarity said, nudging Sweetie Belle. “Don’t keep her waiting long.”

“Alright,” the filly grumbled, getting up. “I’ll be right there…”

For all of five seconds, I was grinning widely at the prospect of following Sweetie Belle for what appeared to be a music lesson. Can you guess what caused the grin to go away?

Seriously,  you, exercise.  you...











> In Which Music is Acquired? Part 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	That was awesome! Sure, I’m having to relearn music from their perspective, but when it comes to music, I’m a fast learner. Which is a good thing, ‘cause uh… the lesson didn’t exactly last for very long before it just… 

Sorry, lemme backtrack. See, Sweetie got about ten minutes into the lesson before Jess showed up with Moony and Blood. Things… kind of evolved from there…


Wow… she has a really beautiful singing voice, I thought to myself, completely mesmerized by Sona’s voice. 

Who, what? Oh. Sona is her new nickname. See, cause her name is Starlight Sonata, and she has blue hair like Sona from League of Legends, so...

Fine. Whatever. Like I care what you think of my nicknames! If it’s not Sona, it’s Stareh, so take your pick! Point is, she’s got an amazing voice. Sweetie is, ah, what’s the word… Right. Decent. She’s decent. She’ll be an amazing singer when she grows up, that’s for sure, but she’s still pretty raw. 

So I’m just relaxing, since, you know, my muscles are molten lead and all. So I’m trying to multi-task. Simple, right? You might think so, but when you’re trying to learn how the ‘new’ music system is organized, as well as trying to relearn how to read, it doesn’t exactly work out that well. Who knew?

Anyone with a brain, dirtbag.

Oh, I’m sorry, did the peanut gallery have something to say? No? Alright then!

Actually, I-

Just ignore him, folks. Give him too much attention and he might think that he’s important or something.

*Knock knock knock*

Everyone paused as we looked to the door. Doors can do tricks, you know. They can open in people’s faces! They just wanna give you a great, big, wooden hug. They’re friendly like that.

Rarity trot towards the door, ready to greet a customer, when the door opened on its own (see? I told you that they like to do that!) to reveal Crystal, Moony, and Whatshisface. Hmm, that’s a good point. I don’t really know him or anything about him. And if Jess is good friends with him, then he’s either a dick, or he’s actually a decent guy. Whelp, there’s only one way to find out! 

~Ad-friend-sure Tiem!~

I staggered to my paws, (and despite whatever Jess might tell you, I most certainly did not whimper like a total sissy. If anything, it was like a total wimp. There’s a huge difference.) then made my way to the doorway, so that I might better eavesdrop. What? I’m not gonna sugarcoat it! I can’t afford to coat anything in sugar since I’m on a diet, so yeah. Better stay on the up and up with honesty. After all, she packs a mean kick.

I staggered past Moony, ignored Jess, and settled down next to the door so I could listen in.

“What are you doing?” Jess asked, standing right in the doorway. Of friggin course. 

“Trying to eavesdrop, what does it look like?” I hiss, lunging towards her to pull her back out. Or I would have, if I didn’t collapse like a wimp as my muscles rebelled yet again. 

Didn’t help that Jess started laughing at me. “You are such a dork! I can’t believe I thought you were a jock. Wow.”

“Yeah, well, I was still right about you being a bitch after all, so I guess I win,” I grumble, not really thinking about what I just said.

There’s silence for a moment, before she states, “You realise I’m gonna kick your ass later, once you’re done being a wimpy wuss, right?”

“That’s future Glenn’s problem,” I mumbled, fighting the urge to take a nap in the hallway. Thank God I still hurt so much. Makes it harder to doze off.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Hey, come on! What’s the big deal? Naps are awesome!” I would be inclined to agree with you if I had ever actually experienced a nap before… See, the first, and last, time I remember trying to take a nap was in middle school. I fell asleep in our large comforter, and woke up right around bed-time. I couldn’t sleep. I laid awake in bed for hours, trying to sleep, only for it to elude me. My sleep schedule was screwed up for a good week, and that entire week I got less sleep than normal, thus negating any positive aspects of the nap I took that started that whole mess.

So yeah, I kinda swore off naps after that. Naps never did any good for me, so I can’t nap. Sleeping in, now, you ask? Nope… See, the latest I have ever ‘slept in’ was eleven in the morning, but before you start to say “Hey, that’s totally sleeping in, that’s legit!” allow me to inform you… I didn’t get to bed until three or four AM that day due to a flight. I’ve only ever been able to sleep for around six hours before I wake up and stay up. I might stay in bed for eight hours, but those last two are closer to dozing and refusing to get out of bed because I’m a lazy ass.

Err, sorry, I mean bastard. A lazy bastard. (I keep forgetting that here, an ‘ass’ is an actual animal that can talk and think like ponies can, so… Yeah. Sorry about that.)

Sorry, got side-tracked. Where was I? Oh, right. Past Glenn. Damn you, past Glenn! That really hurts, you know!

Jess rolled her eyes at me, sitting down. “Meh, fair enough. A butt-whooping now versus later doesn’t really change much, after all, so sure. I can make it later. It’s your funeral, after all.”

“You bet’cha,” I nodded, yawning. “Gonna be the funnest funeral there ever was. Cap’n Hawkeye is giving my eulogy, and there’s gonna be pizza, and balloons, and clowns, and blackjack, an-”

“Hookers?”

“Well duh. How can you have blackjack without hookers?! That’s like not offering someone cheese with their whining.”

“Yeah, I-”

“Shh! Quiet you two! They’re finally getting to the good part!” Pinkie Pie hushed us, placing a glass against the wall to try to enhance the volume through the wall. 

“Gah!” 

Jess and I shot up, started at her sudden appearance. How did she get in here?! We didn’t even hear the door open!

“Yeah, she does that. Sorry bro.” Cerulean shrugged from Pinkie’s back, then leaned against the wall to listen in as well.

Jess and I glanced at each other, a bit red-faced from being startled, but we shook it off. After all, we had eavesdropping to do! Laying back down, we both angled our heads at the entrance of the doorway so that our ears could poke in, allowing us to hear without totally giving away our position.



“Well, then what are our other options?” Rarity asked, quirking an eyebrow at Prince Blueblood. “It seems to me that either you trust our judgement, or you don’t.”

Blueblood sighed, the wind lancing his hoofkerchief in his pocket. “The problem I see,” he said sedately, a slight pause between his words, “is that you and Miss Fluttershy are trying to teach me that which I have already been educated since I was but a colt. I do not require further refinement of manners. What I need assistance has to do with how to tell Twilight that I am serious, without frightening her with feelings that, to her countenance, have appeared from vapor.”

“Hmm, yes,” Rarity admitted, frowning as her hoof tapped her chin. “That is a problem, certainly… Too subtle, and she’ll shrug it off as you practicing for your crush, and anything too blatant will scare her off… I think,” Rarity said slowly, eyes narrowing. “What we need is an expert’s help… I do believe it’s time I cashed in a favour.”

“With whom?” Blueblood asked, furrowed eyebrows the only sign betraying his inquiry as confusion.

“Why, with Princess Cadance, of course. Who better than to help than the princess… of…”

*Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.*

Rarity trailed off, blinking in shock at Blueblood’s reaction. “Um, Blueblood, darling, can you please stop that? I just had that wall fixed last week.”

… *Thump*
> In Which Music is Acquired? Part 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“But why not ask Princess Cadance for help?” Rarity protested, stomping a hoof. “She's the princess of love!”

Blueblood snorted. “No, she is not, and she would tell you so herself were she here!”

“But it’s her special talent!” Rarity wailed, both hooves slamming onto the table.

Blueblood took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled slowly as he shoved his foreleg through the air. “No, it is not,” Blueblood said, keeping his tone even. “That is a common misconception, certainly, particularly after her wedding, but no. If you will recall, her cutie mark is a crystal heart. Her special talent is not love. It is bringing ponies to work together. Love is merely where ponies struggle most often with working together in true harmony as couples often get into fights. They might have fights often, or not often at all, but they still, nevertheless, fight.”

“She… brings ponies together. That’s it?” Rarity asked, sagging in her seat.

Blueblood nodded. “Yes. That is it. If it weren’t for her, actually, I’m not sure if Lady Twilight and I would have been friends or not.”

“Oh? What did she do?” Rarity nickered, tilting her head.

“Well, it all started when I was a colt, I suppose,” Blueblood said, eyes slowly glazing over as he stared at the wall behind Rarity. “I was still learning my way around the castle, so Auntie was escorting me to her room, where she was going to start teaching magic.

“When I arrived, however, there was already another filly there, with her muzzle buried in a book. She looked from it, obviously nervous, but still tried to smile. Auntie introduced us to each other, and Twilight… Twilight did something different…”

“Oh?” Rarity prodded, raising an eyebrow as she leaned forward. “What happened?”

“Well, most fillies tried holding their hoof out right in front of me, wanting me to either shake it or kiss it. I could never tell,” he admitted, lowering his voice.

Rarity tittered, trying (and failing) to hide a smile behind her hoof. “Who knows indeed.”

Blueblood’s face tinged red, but he continued on. “Regardless, they tried to get close, leaning towards me, trying to touch me, and I could not stand it. That is when my… disability first showed itself.

“Regardless, Lady Twilight was different. She waved meekly, and shied away a little when I drew close, but not completely. It was then that I realised we were kindred spirits, at least, of sorts.”

“I… may have developed a crush, due to that, but I wanted her to be my friend, in the hopes that she would help me overcome my fear of being near mares. But if she was as scared of me as I was of her, then the odds of that were… far from our favour, to say the least,” Blueblood said, before taking a sip of tea to whet his throat. 

“I did not wish to bother Auntie with such a conundrum, so I turned to the only other pony I knew: cousin Cadance.”

“You’re cousins?” Rarity asked, a quill pausing from its scratching on the parchment paper.

“It is… complicated,” Blueblood amended, shrugging. “Regardless, I turned to her for help. She was thrilled there was a filly I wasn’t scared of, and agreed to do her best to help me make friends with her. When we shared magic class with Auntie next, ‘Dance snuck in and used her magic, and we slowly became friends. I learned as time went on that Twilight loved studying more and more, so I started studying more too, so that I could join her and help her study for her tests.

“And that is how Lady Twilight and I became friends,” Blueblood ended, nodding as he finished his tea.

Rarity blinked. “That… is… so romantic!” she exclaimed, stars appearing in her eyes. “Foalhood friends, slowly falling in love even though one does not realize it yet. It’s so tragic!”

Blueblood blinked, then asked, “And how the heck does that make it romantic? You just said it was tragic!”

“It is required for a truly romantic romance!” Rarity explained, stomping a hoof as she glared at Blueblood. “The more tragic it is in the beginning, the more romantic it becomes at the end when obstacles are overcome, and they fall in love to live happily ever after!”

“That… makes no sense,” Blueblood said. He facehoofed, sighing as he tried to understand the minds of mares.



“I’m with him,” Jess said, shaking her head. “That makes no sense.”

“That’s only because you don’t have a romantic bone in your body!” I retorted, defending Rarity. “It totally is too romantic! Maybe not… quite as much as what she’s trying to make it, granted, but it’s still romantic!”

I hope you realise how weak that argument sounds, brah.

Yeah, well, my body is still whipped from yesterday, so what do you expect? My muscles are protesting, so of course I’m weak!

… Carry on…

“Still,” Rarity continued from the next room, causing all of us to lean in towards the door again. “Cadance is the best pony to ask for advice. Unless you know of a better married couple that knows about Twilight better?”

“Anyone else feeling totally lost?” Wisp whispered, the rest of us nodding.

“W-well… Uh…”

“I did not think so,” Rarity nickered, bouncing her coiffeur several times. “While she might not be quite as helpful as I first thought, there is still no one who knows Twilight better than Cadance and Shining Armour.”

“What about her parents?”

“Gah!”

Everyone jumped as Rarity and Blueblood found out they had an audience, and we jumped as we realised that Sweetie Belle hadn’t been singing for awhile, as she and Star had also joined in on the eavesdropping in the rear. 

*Sigh* Lady Starlight, you just had to open your muzzle and let them know we were listening, didn’t you… You aren’t quite as much 	of my favourite anymore, for snitching on us.

Jess and I looked at each other, realising that we had mere seconds, if that, to be doing something else when Rarity came around the corner so we wouldn’t get caught and get in trouble. Only one idea came to mind, and I could tell by Jess’s feral grin that she had the same idea I had, causing me to groan.

Dammit past Glenn…
> In Which a Train Ride is Taken
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Hello blackness… It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Close to, what, three hours now? How are you? We just don’t talk like we used to, you know? It seems like nowadays it’s just me popping in to visit, and you just brooding there in silence, shunning me until I decide to go away.

What has driven us apart, blackness? Are you jealous that it’s Jess that’s forcing me to visit? Look, there is nothing going on between us. We’re just acquaintances, okay? Acquaintance with benefits. Why the singular, you ask, blackness? Well, I’m glad you asked! see, I get nothing out of our ‘friendship’, and she gets to kick my ass whenever she feels like it! That makes sense, right?

Brah, you’re talking to the nothingness again…

*Gasp* Brian! You take that back right this instant! Blackness is not ‘nothing’! Apologize, young man!

... How did… Frell. Crystal gave you a concussion, didn’t she?

Why would she give me a percussion? I’ma woodwind, silly!

... No words…

Then how about some pictures? Pictures are nice! I’m waiting for a couple of commissions to come in, you know!

Well… Al… righty then. You uh, just keep waiting here, and I’ll go take care of a few errands, yeah?

Okie! I wants a nap maybe…

Brian was left speechless as Fluffy proceeded to collapse in his own mindscape. How the hell did you manage to hit your head that hard when Jess only body-checked you into the room? I know you hit a table corner, but still…

Brian sighed, then popped his neck. Whelp, guess I get to play damage control. Assuming he wakes up, anyway… Meh, whatever. I’m sure we won’t miss much...


God dammit Brian! Why the heck didn’t you wake me up sooner?!

Gimme a break! I thought you needed to rest, so I let you rest!

For twenty freaking hours?!

... Yes.

... I… Brian, I swear, next time you do something like this, I just… I swear, I just can’t be held responsible for what I’m going to do to you!

Well, that’ll be a trick, considering you were already cleared of what you did to be before, and yet you bla-

Brian… shut your face before I do it for you.

Okay, sorry about that. I’m sure you’re all confused. Well, to be perfectly frank, (even though my name is Glenn) so am I! Time to do some investigating!

“Mista Fluffy!”

“Oof!” 

Whelp, that’s Kaye accounted for. My head throbbed, and my limbs were still lead, but they weren’t quite as dense as before. Still as stiff, granted, but at least I should be able to manage a shamble somewhat close to walking speed, instead of the old school zombie shuffle. Improvements!

“What’s going on?” Oh wow, my voice is all crackly and raspy and stuff. Ow… Okay, guess I need some water if I’ve been unconscious for that-

No, screw that, I need a bathroom! Help! Where am I going? What do I do? “Why am I on a train?! No, screw that, I need a bathroom!”

There! The magical signs on the train led the way! Allons-y!

One refreshing trip to the restroom later, and it was investigating time! “Okay, so what the heck is going on?”

“You want the long version, the short version, or the Kaye version?”

I looked at Crystal, weighing my options carefully. Well, let’s see. Long version is probably boring, and the short version probably misses important details. That leaves…

Brah… Don’t do it…

Challenge accepted!

That wasn’t a challenge, dammit!

“Kaye ver-”

“Yayifications!” 

I was plowed over by a pink ball of fluff. I really should have expected that. That was just sloppy form of me. “Okie, so Miss Rawr at Me said that, that we needed to go to the diamond on fire to talk to Princess Can Dance, and Princess Twi said she needed to talk to, to spikes, cause they’re super sharp, and there bees other Pokemons there, so we’s gonna be their friends! And that’s whai Mr. Mousie is going wiv us too! Right Mr. Flambie?”

I blinked, then looked over to Meis, who was peering rather intently at the lights in the ceiling. “Huh? But he doesn’t look anything like Flambie! How does a kid like you even know about Flambie, anyway?”

“It would seem that she and her… classmates had access to classic games, it seems,” Meis answered, glancing towards us. 

“So why are you here, Meis?” I asked.

I felt shivers down my spine as his beak became wreathed in a goofy grin. He replied, “I like trains.”



Aaaand now Fluffy is cowering under a bench, clutching his tail as he strokes it. He has got issues, man! Though, to be fair, he is a fat kid. He’s bound to have issues if he turned to food for comfort.

Well, I’m bored again. Time to investigate the train for the third time, I suppose. Still, this train looked pretty cool from the outside. Had a snow-plow made from solid crystal ingrained to the engine car. Definitely looked like it would spear anything that got in its way, so that’s pretty cool.

Inside is fairly plain, really. Just some benches, a few with cushions, some rugs… Nothing overly fancy, but it’s actually pretty comfortable. Sure is crowded, though, even with that Totodile and Moonstone not coming. Blueblood and Rarity have been chatting in the back for most of the trip, mostly about fashion, as Twilight is nearby. She looks oddly pleased, but I haven’t been able to figure out why, even with my eavesdropping. I’m going to have to investigate further at a better opportunity.

Fluttershy stayed at home, as did the hyperactive pink friend of the Totodile’s. Wisp is here, as is Princess Luna. Wait… The train isn’t really that crowded, now that I look around, but then… why does it feel so c-

“Weee! Play wiv us, Cryssy! C’mon c’mom c’mon!”

Oh. Right. Silly me… Still, at least this Crystal Empire place sounds interesting. At least it’s a place that admits it’s an empire, and not a prissy monarchy that has multiple princess and… 

Wait, what do you mean, the Crystal Empire is only made up of one town?! That’s bullshit! I swear, this world is crazy! I swear, maybe I’d be better off under the bench with Fluffy. At least he’s sane enough to realise this world is frelling psycho...
> Wherein Chaos Occurs
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Finally, finally off that death trap. At least now things can go back to being at least somewhat close to norm-

“... Well, he’s a new one. Certainly very...”

I mean, I don’t even know how to begin to describe this Pokemon. It’s some sort of weird mish-mash of animals. Each limb is different, and there doesn’t seem to be any discernable pattern or reason… “Chaotic.”

“Why, thank you very much,” came a very familiar voice from the being. “It’s nice to know that somepoke knows how to appreciate a handsome draconequus when they see one!”

... Brian? Is… Is that Q? Am I dreaming? Please, for the love of God, tell me this isn’t a dream…

Well, if this is a dream, brah, I don’t wanna wake up.

It took a moment to realise that Crystal was jabbing me in the shoulder with her paw, not even looking at me as she also gaped at the strange creature. Still, the growing pain helped me find my voice. “Kuh… Q?”

The monster’s eyes flickered just just a tiny fraction of a second, giving us all the conformation we needed. “Holy shit it’s Q! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohm-”

Crystal started to hyperventilate as she chanted to herself, and I wasn’t in a much better place myself. “OhmaigoshI’mtotallyyou’rebiggestfan! Yougottasignthisforme, please!”

A strange smile crossed his face as he said, in that always bemused tone of voice that was Q, “Sign what now?”

Crap! Brian, I have nothing for him to sign! Find something, quick!

Right there!

Thanks!

“Sign Crystal!”

Before I could even register what I just said, I had grabbed Crystal, holding her in my front legs as I pushed her towards Q.

“W-what?! Fluffy, you put me down right this frelling second! I am not some thing that can be-”

“Oh, how amusing. So tell me, Fluffy,” he said, using his talons and paw to make quotation marks. “Where am I supposed to sign her, exactly?”

“Yeah! Where do you think he’s going to-”

Brian, quick, gimme somewhere to sign!

Her chest!

“Her chest!”

... What the actual fuck, Brian?!

I was under pressure! You gave me no time!

“What?! Glenn, you put me down right this frelling second or I swear to God I will personally tear your-”

I hereby proclaim, being in a sound state of mind, and in the presence of these witnesses, give my word of honor that I did not drop Crystal on her butt on purpose to shut her up or to interrupt her.

Okay, so my arms were on freaking fire, and I couldn’t hold her any longer, and I just so happened to drop her in the middle of a rant. Give me the benefit of the doubt, alright? I’m honestly amazed I was able to hold her as long as I did without giving myself a heart attack!

“Her chest, you say?” Q said, grinning widely. “Oh my! Are you certain I should be signing it in public, though? It wouldn’t do to be arrested for public indecency, after all. Still, how could I deny an avid fan’s request? Let’s see n-”

“No! If you’re signing anyone’s chest, it’s Fluffy’s!” Crystal exclaimed, grabbing me before I could escape. “Better yet, sign his stupid butt!”

“H-hey! That’s not fair!” I yelled as she swung me about, tail-ward to Q. I tucked my tail even tighter to my body as I started ranting about the injustice of the situtation. 

“That is not fair at all! You don’t even have a chest!”

”I what?!” Crystal’s eyes flamed in rage. 

No, literally. I could see actual flames on the inside of her pupils. “Are you calling me flat?!”

Woah! Tread lightly, dude. Tread lightly…

“What?! No! I mean, yes, but no! I not, you, that… AUGH! For the love of God! You’re a friggin Pokemon! You don’t have a chest right now!”

Crystal and I stared at each other for several moments, each waiting for the other to act. Wisp, having been off to the side, apparently too overwhelmed from our reaction to Q, asked timidly, “B-but she does have a chest… It’s right there, isn’t it? W-with your lungs, and your heart, and… stuff?”

We glanced to the blue mare, who was pointing at her chest, which was perfectly smooth, aside from what looked like a small drool stain. Crystal blinked, then had the decency to blush a little as she set me down. I barely had a chance to sigh in relief before she decked me in the schnoz with a paw. “Pupule!”

“Ow! Hey, come on!” I tried to reason with her, rubbing my now-throbbing muzzle. “I was very specific with my wording! It’s not like I asked him to sign your boobs or anyth-”

Okay, lesson learned. Shutting the frell up now.

“Oh-ho, a tropical island girl, are we?” Q laughed, snapping his talons as a Hawaiian-style shirt appeared on his torso, and a lei around his neck. “I dare-say you two will be so much more fun to play with than those other two. You’d think they were born with a stick up their livers or something.”

As he started to walk away, I finally took the time to look around at my surroundings. After several seconds, I had only one thought.

Hey, Brian?

Yup?

I’m going to need you to get me a pair of sunglasses… The biggest friggin pair you can find, and I don’t even care how horrible they look.

Yeah. I’ll uh, get right on that…
> In Which Musical Protection is Met
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Yayifications! Optimization Sneaky Sneaky was successfulness! Now I can explore the whole city all by myself, ‘cause I’m a big girl! Now, where to asplore first? Everything’s so sparkly that I don’t- Shiny thing! Gorragettheshinything!

If you would say that the young Eevee is easily distracted, you would be right. You would also be smacked upside your silly head for not having noticed sooner, as well as for stating the obvious without a license to do so. As everyone knows, only Captains are allowed to state the obvious. Anyone with a rank of first lieutenant or lower are not allowed to state such things under penalty of kp duty. Or so I’m told. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever been in the army or anything.

Brah, just stick with narrating stuff, okay? You’re going to confuse people with your rambling otherwise.

Ah. Right you are, Brian. Sorry.

Ahem. Regardless, Kaye was now free from the confines of the train, and set about her task of exploring the crystal village eagerly.

Um, hate to interrupt, but it’s an Empire city, not a village.

Well you might know that, and I might know that, but does Kaye know that? No, she does not. She thinks that it’s a village, so that’s what I called it!

But you shouldn’t misinform everyone like that! That’s just-

Brian, would you just shut up and let me tell the story my way?! Go on, git! You’re wasting time with your interjections! Go away! No one likes you! You smell funny.

What?! Tauros-shit! I just showered!

Yeah, so? Doesn’t stop you from thinking that tacos smells like gyros!

But it does!

I’m just going to ignore him. Sorry about that. Where was I? Ah, yes. The shiny thing.

Well, as it just so happens, the ‘shiny thing’ was, in fact, a tiara. A tiara that happened to be sitting upon a pink alicorn’s mane.

Now, the alicorn did not notice Kaye’s approach, as she had, in her *ahem* “Operation Sneaky Sneaky”, managed to walk in a semi-circle, leading her back to the train station. 

The adorable ball of fluff streaked towards her goal, leaving a silver line behind her as she rapidly approached her goal. She leaped majestically, eyes growing wider in joy as her tiny paws stretched out before her to grasp her prize.

Or, she would have, if Aunt Loony weren’t a meanie-head.

“Aha! We should have kept a closer eye on thee, little one. Our apologies, niece Cadance. Kaye is, what is the term? Hyper-energetic?”

“Hyper-active,” Blueblood answered, smiling reflexively at Cadance’s reaction of shock as Luna levitated the young Eevee mere inches from Cadance’s muzzle. 

“Nuuuu! Shiny thing! Gotta get the shiny thing!” Kaye cried out, flailing her limbs as quickly as she could. “Lemme go lemme go lemme go lemme go lemme go! Shy-knee-thing!”

“No! Bad girl!” Wisp said sharply, twisting the tip of Kaye’s ear. “You do not just take things that belong to other ponies, regardless of how shiny they are or not! If you want shiny things, then you ask for them, alright? It’s mean to take things from other ponies! You aren’t a meanie-head, are you?”

“B-but, but, but, but-” Kaye argued, using her vastly superior intellect to submit the older pony to her superiority!

“Ah-ah-ah,” Wisp tsked, shaking her hoof at the floating kit. “Don’t you ‘but’ me, missy, or you won’t get any dessert tonight!”

Kaye’s heart broke. Her eyes watered at the injustice of the situation. She sniffed to hold back the tears, because big girls didn’t cry when others are meanie-heads to them. Right? Crystal didn’t cry ever, so neither should she! “O-okie doki,” she mumbled, her entire body sagging in the levitation field.

“Hey, hey hey hey,” Wisp soothed, slowly lifting Kaye from the levitation into her own grasp, hugging the Eevee. “I’m not trying to be a meanie, Kaye, but you need to learn some restraint. Now go apologize to Princess Cadance.”

Kaye merely curled up instead, however, hiding her face in her fluffy tail. It just wasn’t fair! She wasn’t trying to misbehave! She just-

“I j-just wanted to see w-why it sparkled m-mighty pretty,” she mumbled, hiccupping.

“How old is she?” Princess Cadance asked Luna, her mouth barely moving as she walked towards the Eevee with creeping hoofsteps. 

“She is but a little filly of six.”

“Six-and-a-half, thank you very much,” Wisp snorted dismissively, nuzzling Kaye.

“Ah. Yes. Miss Wisp is correct. Kaye is a six-and-a-half year old orphan, sorry,” Luna corrected herself, nodding. 

Cadance’s eyes widened ever so slightly.



“Twily! Thanks for coming, sis!” Shining Armour said, hugging his little sister.

“Oof! N-no problem, BBBFF!” Twilight replied, her smile faltering for a second as the leg around her withers grew too tight. “I needed a break from my research anyway. We’ve hit a dead-end from where we were experimenting. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to make a universal translation spell for us to speak their language when they all have a different number of syllables. And then-”

“Perhaps we should retire to the castle, where there’s tea available, hmm?” Blueblood suggested, glancing to the horizon.

“I quite agree,” Rarity added, tucking her scarf a little tighter around her withers, making sure her hat was settled firmly on her mane. “Nothing like a hot cup of tea to help you feel settled after a long ride. Now, who is this, if you don’t mind my inquiry?” 

Shining Armour turned to the equine next to him, who was currently on fire. “Ah, right. Well, this is the great Barbleclof, the speaker for his nation to other nations. Barbleclof, this is Lady Rarity, Prince Blueblood, and Princess Twilight.”

“Po-ponyta-nyta?” it asked, tilting its head to the side as it pointed a hoof between Twilight and Blueblood, both of whom broke out into blushes.

“N-no! No, of course not!” Blueblood said, face dark red. When the others looked at him, he clarified, “N-not that we aren’t friends, or that I would object to, I mean, we’re not-”

“W-we’re just friends,” Twilight interjected, coughing into her hoof. “Best friends, granted, but- yeah.”

“R-right. That,” Blueblood agreed, nodding.

Rarity sighed and glanced at Shining, hoping to catch his eye. While he didn’t look her way, there was something about his expression that told her he knew about the situation, though she had no way of knowing what he thought about the matter without talking to him about it. She made a mental note to take him aside later.

“Regardless, I… Fluffy? Why… Bwa?” Twilight asked, staring dumbly at the Flareon.

Fluffy and Crystal were walking next to each other towards them, with Discord floating above them on a purple cloud, sipping juice from a crystal. While the first most noticeable change to Fluffy was the claw marks on his muzzle, with a couple pieces of ice attached, if you looked at his flank as he limped, Everypony could see a curly, purple signature, namely of-

“Discord! Why are you signing- No! Stop it! Do I need to get Fluttershy?” Twilight exclaimed, narrowing her eyes towards the floating draconequus. 

“Why, are you referring to little ol’ me?” said draconequus asked innocently, halo and wings appearing on him. “Do not be so quick to judge, friend Twilight! For your information, Fluff-butt over there asked for it. Quite literally, too, I might add.”

Twilight’s mouth dropped, looking to Fluffy for confirmation, but they were headed directly for Kaye, who was being picked up by Princess Cadance.

“Oh, you poor thing! How can that be when you’re so adorable? I… A’mour? Come here!”

Shining Armour looked at the others, raising an eyebrow before trotting to his wife. “Yes, Love?”

Cadance steeled herself, before looking her husband in the eye to say, “I want to adopt her.”










> Wherein Adoption Causes Arguments
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



First of all, I am so sorry this chapter took so long. I was totally blind-sided by Cadance wanting to adopt Kaye, I spent weeks trying to figure out what to do, until I realised recently that I was just procrastinating, and that... is not fair to you, readers. I forgot the spirit I had when I first started this story, where I was going to try to only have a vague outline for the story, and just let things happen. Lately I've tried to plan this story out more, and it wasn't working, and it was only this morning in the midst of the snow-storm that I was approaching it wrong. 

So as we approach the two-year mark of when this story was first published, I just wanted to apologize, and say that I hope to get more chapters out there, now that I'm trying to return to the spirit of this story. I apologize if it isn't as funny as normal, but I'm still getting back into the swing of things. (That, and you all bullied me into adding the Comedy tag in the first place...)

But enough rambling! Enjoy the new chapter!








“You… you want to what?” Shining Armour asked, jaw dropping as he blinked. 

I… huh? But- she can’t, that’s not… She’s cheating! She can’t do that! Come on, what’syourface! Talk some sense into your wife!

“But… Cadance, this isn’t something you can just… just rush into! We don’t even understand what she’s saying! Cadance, I- you know I love you, and I know why you want this, but I can’t… I can’t agree to this. Not with so much…”

The stallion waved a forehoof around, searching for the right word to use.

“Instability?” 

He looked to me, raising an eyebrow. I blinked, then fore-pawed as I was reminded for the upteenth time that they couldn’t understand me. 

“He said instability,” Wisp answered for me. 

Cadance blinked, before narrowing her eyes at her husband. “Instability? What, pray tell, is unstable about a married couple with steady jobs, especially when we’re already expecting? How is that-”

“You’re pregnant?!” Twilight and Rarity exclaimed, eyes growing wide as they looked at each other. “Eeeeeeee!”

“I’m going to be an aunt!” Twilight began jumping around in circles.

“Foal clothes!” Rarity added, clasping her hooves to her chest as stars appeared in her eyes.

“Rapid mood swings!” I added, my tail beginning to swish back and forth.

*Whack!*

I rubbed the back of my head, not needing to turn to recognize the feeling of frozen claws rending my skin apart. “What, it’s still true,” I grumbled.

*Bop!*

While I rolled on the floor, clutching my throbbing head, Wisp and Crystal exchanged a high-paw. The jerks. 

“Well, congratulations Cay,” Blueblood said as he gave Cadance a quick nuzzle. “I suppose it’s far too early to know what he or she might be?”

Cadance looked torn for a moment, before hugging Kaye once more. “Later. Right now, I think Kaye needs more love.”

“Huh? But I gets love!” Kaye replied, tilting her head. She looked past Cadance’s forelegs around her body to look at Luna before turning to Crystal and I. “They play with me all the time and stuff! They’re my fambily; they said so!”

“Yeah!” I cried, a paw shooting up from my position on the ground. “We Eeveelutions stick together! Especially when they’re adorable!”

“Even if one certain one is a half-brained moron who can’t keep his trap shut,” Crystal said somewhere behind me.

And you know? I think that was a very horrible, mean-spirited thing to say! I mean, come on! Poor Moony isn’t even here to defend himself! That’s just cruel.

“Hey!” Kaye pipped up, narrowing her eyes at us. “Dun say scan… scar… sacrilegious things ‘bout Moony! He is not a moron, so take that back!”

Hell yeah! Take that, Crystal! Kaye is taking my side! I actually win for once!

“We wish to partake in the offer of tea you made earlier, niece Cadance,” Luna spoke up, cutting through our conversation. “Could we start making our way? I am sure much of what We wish to discuss should be kept private.”

We all looked around at the crowd of gem-like ponies that was gathering as excited whispers started making their way around the crowd. Cadance chuckled weakly, glancing at her subjects. “You uh, didn’t hear that, did you?”

“The Empress is having a foal!” half of the sparkling ponies shouted. Several of them immediately split up from the crowd, heading in different directions, likely to inform their family, friends, and most importantly, the newspaper. Gotta love the greed of money for reporting interesting news to the media. 

“For the last time, I am not an Empress!” Cadance exclaimed, the exasperation clear in her voice. “I’m a princess!”

“Whatever you say, Empress Princess Cadance!” Several of the front-row ponies said, bowing with a smile.

Oh. I see how it is. Her subjects are a bunch of trolling yes-men. Err, yes-ponies. Dang. Okay, note to self: don’t be a huge prick to her, because she already has enough to deal with, and you really, really don’t want to be the one that nudges her over the cliff of kindness into the gorge of retributional judgement. Hey, wait a second… What happened to the two Pokemon that were here when all of this started? They just disappeared! Oh well. Muscles hurt too much to care. Ow…



Hmph! Serves Glenn right, making fun of whatsherface for being pregnant. I’d beat him up more, but I’m sure his muscles are already doing that for him. That, and if I did anything more, they’d ask why, and then…

Focus, Jess. Gotta figure out how to prevent Empress Princess Whatsherface from adopting Kaye. She’s my little sis, and you’re not going to take her away from me! I don’t trust any of you ponies with her care! Well, alright, perhaps Luna, but still!

The city is really bright, but I can tell my eyes are adjusting to help offset the glare. Maybe it’s because Glaceon is an ice-type that is usually surrounded in snow, and needs a way to prevent that snow-blindness thing with the sun? I’d ask Vampire Bait over there, but who knows what kind of experiments she’d want to run, and or how long it could take? No thank you!

My eyes wandered to Discord’s signature for a moment. Was that really him, or did he just play along and just manage to say all the right things? Ugh. So troublesome… Still, at least-

“Crysissy!”

I blinked, trying to get my eyes to focus quicker. Serves me right for not keeping an eye on her. A kid has no right being this strong as a Pokemon at such a young age. I mean, that actually hurt, and I do not hurt easily! At least, from physical attacks I don’t. But I’m getting side-tracked. 

“Hi,” I wheezed, slowly rolling to my paws.

The cute menace jumped onto my back, deciding to give me a hug. “Didja hear?! Didja hear?! I’m  gonna be a-a princess! And that’ll make you a princess too, and Moony will be a prince, and so will Fluffy!”

“Err, come again?” I asked, trying to follow her logic.

She gave an exasperated sigh, her tone trying to imitate a lecture. Have I mentioned she’s adorable? “Because! Moony bees my older brover, and you’re Crysissy, so you bees my older sissy, and since you an Fluffy is dating, that makes- H-hey! Stop rolling! You’re gonna make me sickened!” 

I was too busy laying down and laughing to listen. She thinks Fluffy and I are dating? Where did she even get that ide- Fluffy… I am going to kick his ass if he insinuated anything to her.

After I calmed down, she asked, “What? What’s so funny? I nearly got hurt!”

“Where on Earth did you get the idea that Fluffy and I were dating?” 

“Because you are!” Kaye sighed, rubbing a paw on her nose. “You and Fluffy is friends, and you both eat together and do stuff together, so that makes you dating! Plus,” she added, crossing her forelimbs as she nodded, “you is already aquifying with each other like married peoples do!”

Okay brain, catch up, process what she’s actually saying… loading… loading… “T-that doesn’t count!” I argue, starting to walk faster to catch up with the others. Not that I could really get lost, since the design of this city made it really easy to see where the palace was. “We only eat together so I can watch what he eats to make sure he doesn’t cheat on his diet! And we fight because Fluffy’s a moron!”

*Shing!*

It’s all I can do to keep from shouting out as I stagger to a knee, Kaye having swiped at my shoulder. Holy shit that stings! What does she sharpen her claws with, diamonds?!

“Stop being a meanie!” Kaye exclaimed, hopping down to glare at me. “He, he is not a moron. You are! You always be mean to him, but he’s nice anyway!”

“Well maybe he deserves it!” I shoot back, narrowing my eyes. “Maybe he-”

*Shing!*

“T-then maybe you deserves them too!” Kaye shouted as I clutched my chest. I forced my eyes open to see Kaye starting to cry. I slowly reached a paw to her, but she flinched away.

“N-no!” she said, her voice struggling to speak loud enough for me to hear. “E-either you bees nice to Fluffy, or-or I don’t want you!”



Well, at least my injuries weren’t throbbing as badly as my muscles were protesting. Stupid Mies had it easy, riding on Luna’s back as he took a nap. I’m surprised he can sleep, considering that… wait, it’s actually quiet. Why is it quiet? Crystal and Kaye alone should be-

In that moment, I knew something was wrong. If you’ve been a babysitter, or you’ve had kids, or even siblings that are significantly younger than you, you know that kids are more dangerous when they’re quiet than when they’re being loud and rowdy. Well, guess that means I should look for them. They were behind us, so I guess I’ll start in that direction. Not like I can get lost with a freaking huge palace like that. I’d bet they could see it from space. I bet the pony who had that built was compensating for something, if you know what I mean...

I turned around and started limping back, forcing my muscles to keep moving so they wouldn’t lock up. The last thing I needed was for one to cramp or something. It didn’t take long for me to find them. They were near a building, and it looked like they were talking, until I saw Kaye swipe her claws at Crystal. My jaw dropped. Kaye is the last person I expected to lash out at someone, regardless of the reason.

I forced my muscles into motion again, having stopped in surprise when she attacked. I don’t know what’s going on, but it can’t be good. I nearly jolt to a stop again when I see Kaye swipe at Crystal again, but managed to speed up instead. As I get close, I manage to hear Kaye say, “-luffy, or-or I don’t want you!”

I freeze to a halt as Crystal’s pupils dilate a little as tears started to fall. I limp forward as quickly as I could force my muscles. I stop near Kaye, panting as I looked down at her. I rapped her lightly on the head to get her attention. “No! You do not use violence to solve your problems, Kaye! That is a horrible, mean thing to do, and you aren’t a meanie, are you?”

“B-but she,” she cried, pawing at her eyes.

I put my own paw on her mouth, raising an eyebrow. “Are you a meanie?”

“N-no,” she whimpered, starting to hiccup.

“Then you give her a hug and apologize to her, and she’ll forgive you, and then apologize if she did anything wrong,” I continued. “And I think we might take away your dessert tonight, once we get a chance to talk about what happened.”

She whined, though the effect was ruined by a hiccup. She stumbled towards Crystal before carefully hugging the legs. “‘m sorry you’s a meanie…”

I narrowed my eyes at the kit before growling, “Don’t make us make it a week without desserts, Kaye…”

“... ‘m sorry I scratched you, Crysissy…”

I looked up to Crystal, but her eyes were still vacant, though still slowly crying. I sat down in front of her to the side, and carefully poked her. “C-Crystal? Hey, are you okay? Do I need to go get a doctor or something?”

She blinked, her eyes slowly coming back into focus. She turned to me, then narrowed her eyes. She took a deep, shuddering breath, before turning to look at Kaye, who was still clutching the Glaceon’s legs as she cried quietly. She slowly got a leg loose, before using her paw to pet Kaye’s head. “I-I… I forgive you, Kaye. I’ll… think about what you said. Promise,” she added as Kaye looked up at her with watery eyes. 

Aside from her hiccups, Kaye was silent as she slowly climbed on me, burying her face in my mane. Crystal was also oddly withdrawn, keeping her head lower than normal, her ears flat against her head as she walked, and I can’t believe I’m using this word for her, meekly. Perhaps that isn’t the best word to use, but it’s the best I can think of to describe it. Just what happened between these two?









> In Which Fluffy Ponders
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Alright, Brian, listen up. It’s that time again, so strap down, put on a helmet, and hold onto your socks.

Oh dear God, you don’t mean-

I do… It is time… to think.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, why?!

Because I need to figure out what caused Kaye to physically attack Crystal, and figure out why it caused her to break down like that! It isn’t good!

No. You know what is really not good? Sticking your muzzle into a woman’s business! Especially one as temperamental as Jessie.

Yeah, I know, but…

But what?! Don’t tell me you’re actually crushing on her!

What?! N-no, no! I just… you know me, Brian. Since when have I EVER kept my nose to myself when someone’s crying? Especially when they’re… well-

A girl? Seriously, you need to face the facts and just say you’re sexist.

When have I ever denied it? I… I can’t help how I was raised, Brian. It isn’t like I think that women ‘belong’ in the kitchen, or can’t do the same stuff-

Says the guy who thinks women shouldn’t be in the military…

Well they shouldn’t! If they can meet the same standards that are set for men, then sure! Great! But it isn’t fair that they get in on lower standards just because they’re women! You know how many ex-military people I’ve met in college, right? Every single one of them had the same opinion! Saying that they should not be held to the same standard is sexist!

But that… Then why are you-

Just because I’m sexist about some little stuff like having a preference towards women having longer hair doesn’t mean I can’t also be a tiny bit feminist… And now we’ve gotten off-track. Seriously, we’ve got to figure it out, if only so we know how to better address edifying Kaye’s actions.

We were nearly to the large spire tower thingy at the center of the city, and both Kaye and Crystal had remained silent the whole way, aside from a few muted sobs coming from the pink Eevee on my back. I just- I can’t figure out why Kaye would attack like that, and what she could have possibly said that instead of getting angry or something, Crystal just started crying. Now, I’ve only had one semester of Psychology, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that whatever was said, probably wasn’t meant to be as meaningful as it turned out to be. 

Even though we’ve started becoming friends, there’s next to no way that she would trust me enough to be willing to talk about it, so I can’t just be blunt about it. I probably won’t be able to trick her, so pretty much any option I take isn’t going to work, so that means… Joy. 

I need to have someone else talk to her. And considering the options, it seems the only option at all is Princess Luna, since she can do the… thingy. The dream thingy. Anyway, moving on to the palace, since that’s what they’re calling it, aparently...

It’s freaking huge, firstly. I mean, seriously, it’s like a wizard tower and the Eiffel Tower had a love-child. And that love child was compensating for something. Probably how sparkly it looked, or something. Seriously, just make the colors dark and brooding instead of bright and shiny, and you’d have the setting for an epic dungeon. Seriously, this place probably has enough floors that simply conquering the tower could be its own RPG campaign. 

Anyway, I followed the gossiping mares and Blueblood to what appeared to be a large living room with lots of throw pillows and low tables. Several servants immediately began to bring sets of tea for everyone, but a quick glance back told me what was nagging at my mind. Well, you know, aside from Brian. You learn to tune him out when you’re focused. 

It was clear that both Crystal and Kaye didn’t need tea, they needed a washroom, and then possibly a bed. I noticed Wisp nearby, so she was clearly the best option. “Hey, Wisp, would you please ask where the nearest washroom is? I think Kaye and Crystal could probably use a little freshening up before they settle down for tea.”

She opened her mouth, staring at the two female Pokemon a moment before nodding. “Yeah, sure.”

She turned to Twilight, asking quietly, “Um, Twilight? Do you know where the nearest washroom is? I want to get cleaned up a bit before having tea.”

While she got directions, I carefully picked up Kaye from my back, and resettled her on Wisp’s back. “Thanks,” I murmured to Wisp, stroking Kaye a few times to calm her. “Kaye, just… calm down, okay? Aunt Wisp will take you to the washroom, and you can make yourself all pretty and cute again, alright? I know you can be a good girl, so maybe we’ll think about letting you have a tea cake, okay?”

Kaye sniffed, pawing at her nose before her head inched up and down. Damn, it should not feel this horrible to discipline someone, and she isn’t even my kid! I don’t want to think how bad it must have been for my parents when they disciplined me…

I glanced to Crystal, daring to nudge her a little. “Hey, are you going to be okay? Wisp is taking Kaye to the restrooms to clean up, if you want to follow. Not that I mean to presume anything or insinuate that you need to get cleaned up, but I just, uh, I just stuck my paw in my mouth, and I’m going to shut up now?”

Wow, brah, really? Excuse me, but I hear the popcorn popping, so I’m just going to grab a soda so I can enjoy the thrashing she’s going to give you.

... Save me a little?

Hrmm… Nah. You are on a diet, after all. I’d say sorry, but I’m not really.

Asshole.

“Oh,” Crystal replied, blinking as her eyes seemed to regain a bit of focus again. “Yeah, right. Thanks.”

I blinked, watching as she started to follow Wisp out of the room, wondering what on Earth I had done right for once to get her to react relatively normal.

Brian, did- did that really just happen?

I- I saw it, but I don’t believe it.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us…












> Wherein Tea Time is Taken Tentatively
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I was not given long to ponder Crystal’s odd behavior, sadly, as the rest of the room quickly devolved into science babble. Well, most of the room. Part of the room?

Fine! Twilight devolved into technobabble. Excuse me for trying to spice things up a little and make it sound more engaging than it actually was. Twilight was practically ranting at… her brother, I guess? Wow. Talk about aiming high! I mean, he managed to marry a Pegacorn, or whatever they’re called. I still haven’t completely figured out their social structure, but I have noticed that any Pegacorn seems to be in a position of high authority, so that must have been really gutsy! Unless it’s the whole, “royalty must marry royalty” thing, in which case he’d qualify, since his sister is a princess, I guess?

Regardless, she and the Empress were certainly very friendly with each other, so either they were merely being polite with each other, or they were genuinely… Huh. Imagine that! Sisters-in-law that sincerely love each other like sisters. Or, well, better than sisters. Girlfriends! Except, you know, not in the dating sense, but in the what girls call each other when they’re good friends, and-

Yeah, just gonna shut up, since I’m rambling again. Either you know what I mean, or you don’t. Point is, Twilight was ranting to her brother and sister-in-law about how it wasn’t fair that she couldn’t figure out how the Pokemon language worked. So many variables and inconsistencies and restrictions and exceptions and-

If you don’t mind, I’m going to fast-forward past that to the more significant stuff that came after. It wasn’t very significant, per se, but compared to what was currently going on...

Anyway, in the midst of Twilight’s ranting, she said something that was almost missed, and if it had been missed, who knows how much longer it would have taken all of us to figure it out? Amazingly enough, it was Wisp and Kaye who caught it, having walked in at just the right time to hear just the important part.

“... everything is just crazy! I mean, even Discord hasn’t been able to figure it out, so I’m beginning to think-”

“But why can’t he?” Kaye asked, padding into the room after Wisp, sitting near Wisp as the pony poured them cups of tea. 

Twilight replied with a blank look. 

“Whut?” Kaye said, tilting her head. “He bees funny looking! Whai he can’t cast magics and stuff?”

“Good question,” Wisp mumbled to herself, tapping her chin. “Why can’t he?”

“Why can’t he what?” Twilight exclaimed, throwing her forehooves in the air. 

“Has Discord tried to cast a spell to let ponies understand Pokemon?”

Twilight opened her muzzle, before turning to Shining Armor and Cadance. They both replied with the same shocked look. 

“C-Cadance? Did you ask?” Twilight asked, her voice like a pin dropping, even though it was but a whisper. 

“W-well, no,” Cadance said, looking to her husband. “But he would have if he…”

I could practically see the gears whirring in their brains. Now, from what I know of Q… Regardless of whether or not Discord was Q or not, they sure acted similarly, so I feel like I can make an educated guess, and say that he would totally not cast a spell like that unless asked, because it would be more fun to act as a translator, perhaps botching up words here and there on purpose to add to his fun. 

“A’mour,” Cadance said, her voice faint, “would you please make sure Discord is summoned? Oh, and one last thing,” she added as he started to get up.

“Yes, Love?” Shining asked, shaking his head slightly to stave off the shock as he turned to Cadance. 

As… romantic as it is to see married couples kiss, call me crazy, but I just- it is really weird to see two ponies kissing. Just gonna fast-forward past that, thank you…

“Could you pass the creame and sugar?”

“Gah!”

I jumped up several feet, I would estimate, as I heard Crystal ask something from right behind me. Well, it would have been from right next to me, but I had turned, so my back was-

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering when she got there. Well, that’s what I want to know too! Freaking ninaj’d me like a boss, and the worst part is, she is adamant to this day that she didn’t do anything different from normal. 

While I panted for breath, Crystal gave me an odd look, her brow raised. “What’s got your tail in a bunch? I only asked for some milk and sugar for my tea…”

“You- that- why- don’t sneak up on me like that!” I panted, holding a paw to my chest as I fought against my fight-or-flight response. 

Crystal blinked, before saying, “I’ve… been sitting here. For, like, a minute now.”

“O-oh yeah? Well, you, uh,” I argued excellently, using the fullest extent of my intellect and vocabulary, “you smell different!”

Crystal groaned, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, tell me about it. The soap here is scented to high heaven. Now seriously, give me the damned creame and sugar already. Unless you know where they’re hiding the alcohol, the-”

“Why certainly!” said a charismatic voice not a few feet behind us, causing us both to jump. “Anything for such… interesting characters!”

Discord snapped his talons, and a margarita glass appeared in Crystal’s paw, no salt, filled with a bright, amber liquid. Crystal and I both blinked, stunned at the sudden appearance of both drink and Discord. Crystal leaned forward, nose twitching as she sniffed the drink. “I… I’m not even going to ask how you knew my favourite scotch. I don’t care anymore, so thanks.”

I could only stare as Crystal practically chugged several swallows, only to find that the liquid inside wasn’t decreasing in volume. Discord coughed into his paw, adding, “I am legally obliged to remind you that drinking in such excess is bad for your health, even if it will help you forg-”

”Discord-”

Holy friggin… Dammit Luna! Would all of the girls in this frelling world stop ninja’ing me?! I swear, they all need cat bells or something! I thought Flareon were supposed to have good hearing! What gives?!

Gives what? A crap? I could give that, sure, but there isn’t exactly a whole lot of room up here, and I know better than to do in the area as where you sleep.

... Gee, thanks, Brian. I uh, appreciate the thought. You mind just, I don’t know, buggering off for awhile? I could use the extra processing speed.

You know, Brian replied, sounding oddly echo-y. I think I just might… You’ll be fine, though, I’m sure of it. It’s about time this happened.

Oh… kay?

Seriously, that was highly unnerving. I don’t… I can’t…

I sighed, then deadpanned, “Okay Discord, hit me up, please. I just… I’m done with this.”

In the vacuum of silence in my head, without Brian to say anything, it was only after I heard Discord starting to laugh that I realised that I may have moderately frelled myself up.

If only I knew then how right I was…






> In Which Beverages are Consumed
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After I took that first sip of alcohol, I knew I had discovered something very special: I absolutely hated it with every fiber of my being. Discord tried to find something I would like, but I learned very quickly that I just did not like the general taste or feel of alcohol, and that was more than fine by me!

You see, until today, I’ve never had alcohol. And I’ve never smoked, either, despite my past co-workers’ many attempts and offers of a “free smoke.” Health issues aside, I didn’t want to get into a habit that would force me to continue to throw money at it for momentary pleasure. I prefer to spend my money on things that can be enjoyed multiple times, or shared, like books, video games, and so forth. 

So, what does this all mean for me? Quite simply, it meant that I only got somewhat tipsy. Discord thought it would be amusing to make alcohol that acted like alcohol, but without needing to drink as much. Simply put, Princess Heart-Butt was the only one who remained truly sober from the beginning, and it… Well, I suppose I may as well explain from the top. 





I took a tentative sniff of the drink before lapping at it once like a cat. It… had a taste. What that taste was, I don’t know precisely, aside from knowing that I didn’t like it. 

Discord frowned. “That’s odd, I would have sworn… No matter, try this instead.” He snapped his talons, and the club soda turned into a… I think it was beer? 

I tried again, but it still tasted like… It was right on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn’t figure out what it- Oh! How nice, he changed it to a fruity drink! I like fruit juice! Fruit juice is very tasty. Surely I would like this! I took a single swallow, choked, then spat it out, gagging. “This isn’t fruit juice!” I exclaimed, scandalized. “It tastes like it died or something!”

“Well yeah,” Crystal slurred. “S’ gotta ferment to become alcohol. Duh.” 

I nodded, turning to Discord. Wait, where did he go? That’s the floor… That’s the ceiling… Oh, there he is! He’s giving everyone a drink! Well that’s awfully nice of- Shit! 

“No!” I shouted, streaking towards Discord’s arm, bashing it with my forehead to force the drink he was about to offer Kaye into the wall. I landed roughly, stumbling as I fought to keep my balance. Apparently I was a light-weight, as that single swallow was enough to make me blink a few times to refocus. “She’s just a kid!”

Discord scoffs, offering me a glass of what looked like chocolate milk. “Please... As if I would ever offer a foal alcohol. I am a master of Chaos, thank you, and foals are very near and dear to my heart. After all, it was those arguing fillies that freed me,” he chortles. “No… All a foal needs to cause chaos is a single, simple thing: energy. And you wouldn’t deny this poor, innocent-looking child a chocolate milk, would you?” he asks, holding up Kaye in his forelimbs while the pink Eevee gave the best puppy-eyes she could manage.

Ha! As if I would fall for such a duplicitous tactic! I face it head-on, certain of my own mental and moral strength! It crumpled faster than a wet tissue attempting to support a Wailord. I wilt, shaking my head. “Fine… I’m not your parent, so I can’t tell you what you can and can’t do. But if you give yourself a tummy-ache, you can’t complain about it, understood Kaye?” I ask sternly.  

… You know, I’m not sure why I bothered, considering she had already greedily guzzled half of it in the seconds following my having said “fine.” When I finished, she was already starting to vibrate with a wide grin, a large chocolate mustache on her face as she chirps loudly, “Indeed mista Floofy!”

With all of the seriousness I could muster, I took the cup and put the lid around Kaye’s eye, creating a monocle. “Quite. Now, you had best-” 

Kay was off like a shot, exclaiming her exuberance to the world as she went, leaving me gaping at the smoke silhouette that she left behind, as the true weight of my actions suddenly fell about me. This… was not good. This was very much not good. Smoke clouds left behind by hyperactive children is never good, even in the most innocent of offsprings, do you understand?! The odds of them getting into trouble is virtually one to one, and I do not care for those odds, no sirree!

But it’s okay. She is but one, and we are many! Not… quite Legion, but we can still do this! I turn around to speak to my subjects and advisors, confident I could eloquently alert them to the present and current danger! “Uh, guys? We miiiiight have… a…” 

Chaos. That’s all I can describe as the status of my poor subjects. The only parts I manage to make out are Purple Smart in the chandelier, Blueblood trying to get up to her, the others laughing and singing, and Crystal declaring herself drinking mistress, and that none shall challenge her authority. “... Alright. No one is listening to me. I can see this now. I’ll just get going now… Have fun, and don’t drive drunk!”

”You don’t git to tell  me howta-” Crystal hiccups as she staggers towards me, “howta drive… I tell you howta run! Ten laps, git!”

I can feel myself pale. In her state, she might try to make me run around the entire city; I needed a distraction! “Look, a blatant disregard of your authority!” I blurt out in panicked desperation, pointing towards the group before making a break for it.

Don’t look back! Don’t look back, or she’ll see the fear in your eyes and flay your skin to use as a coat, using your corpse as some sort of grisly meat sled!

Wait… A... meat sled? What the ever-loving fluff is wrong with me today? That’s horrifying!

I practically flew from the room down the illuminated halls, feeling far lighter than I had in the past. Though perhaps that was due in part to how plush and springy the carpet and rugs felt. Dang, it was good to be the king around here, wasn’t it? New life-goals acqui-

”Get your flanks back here, Glenn! I’m not done whipping you into shape!” 

I swear I just clenched all over as I hear the banshee screech my death-warrant behind me. Gotta go fast!

”Git back here you flamin’ bastard!”

Eeeeeeeeee! Gotta go faster! Gotta go faster, faster, fasterfasterfas-

She plows into me from behind with a freezing chunk of ice having sped her up to let me know she cheated and used Ice Shard. As if the bitch- I’m sorry, excuse me - vixen wasn’t fluffing fast enough as it was! Not only that, but she’d use that on carpet?! To say I was in a bad mood while afraid for my life would be calling water “damp”.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ a young voice shrieks in exuberant joy. 

Ahhh yes, the youthful jubilation of having naught a single responsibility but obtaining fun activities and sugary treats to help fuel your wild and devil-may-care plots and escapades. Well, at least she was being safe, and not-

”Door!” I shriek in horror exclaim in warning. 

It was like the world was travelling in slow motion. We could either keep going, and run into a door, or I could tackle Kaye and go tumbling down the stairs going down in a spiral… Well, I mean, at least going down the stairs means we could tuck and roll, which would lessen the damage because it would be like parkour or whatever, right? Yeah, sure! Sounds like a plan, at least. Not a very good plan, granted, but any plan is better than no plan, right? 

Yeah, about that: allow me to sing you a brief song, inspired by my suffering.

O is for one more mistake, that’s followed by another,
H is for how badly I have misjudged this encounter.
B is for a better way I could have handled this,
O is how obese I am, that makes the vixen hiss.
T is for this tumbling, down countless flights of stairs,
H is for how hurt I’ll be, these cuts and dirty hairs.
E is for each single time I could have trained on longer,
R is for right choices, which could’ve made me stronger...
My name is Glenn Winters... And I would like to say: 

”Oh bother…”

-WHAM-




> In Which Crusading is Crucial (TO BE EDITED. PLEASE IGNORE FOR NOW)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a normal Friday afternoon in Ponyville. The colts and fillies were running about the streets, celebrating their freedom from the school house, teenagers were hanging out in Sugarcube Corner, and-

“Cutie Mark Crusader Cult Leaders! Yay!”

And suddenly the entire populace of Ponyville shivered, looking around them in search of the three elusive spawn of Discord that had announced their intent to destroy part of their beloved village once more in the pursuit of their cutie marks. While there were those that acknowledged that Discord was only released from his prison a short time ago, it would not be hard for the self-proclaimed lord of chaos to travel back in time to bestow some of his power on three newborn foals. The three fillies meant well, truly, but at the same time-

“Ahh! Sweetie, no, you’re supposed to light the candles, not the tapestries! Quick, throw some water on it!”

~Fwoooosh!~

“Eeeeeek! S-Scoots, it got bigger! Applebloom, what do we do?!”

“There’s no need to fear!” an energetic, hyperactive voice cried from the crowd. “Pinkie Pie is here!”

The nearby crowd immediately vacated the premises. Though Pinkie Pie could be trusted, there was always a chance that things could still go wrong, and if it was going to happen, the further away from the Element of Laughter they were the safer they would be. There was just something about those mares that attracted trouble like nopony’s business. Which is a shame, many would lament, because Ponyville’s businesses could use a boost to the economy. Oh well. At least the construction companies were always busy with the rebuilding of the town using funds from the capital, so the businesses did well enough, which is beside the point.

The youngest Cutie Mark Crusader (only by a week, the filly would protest), Sweetie Belle, was running in circles as she tried to figure out how to put out the fire, when she heard Pinkie Pie’s declaration. “Pinkie!” She squeaked as she ran to the older mare, looking for help. “How do we put it out?! If my sister gets back and finds out this happened, she’ll never let me help her make dresses ever again!” her voice cracked at the end.

“Gummy 2.0! Use Water Gun!” Pinkie commanded, pointing a hoof imperiously at the fire.

The bipedal blue alligator saluted before his claws reached behind himself to pull out a Super-Rainer 3000, one of the latest models of waterguns to come out of Cloudsdale. (Guaranteed to soak you just as quickly as a standard-sized raincloud or your money back!)  Cerulean took aim quickly before unleashing a torrential flow of water from the watergun, attacking the base of the fire before getting the surroundings as well. He quickly refilled the gun with his own deluge of water from his mouth, then kept up the assault.

Confused, Sweetie Belle turned to Pinkie, asking, “How come he’s using the gun instead of his mouth? Wouldn’t he be able to use more water that way?”

Pinkie giggle-snorted, retorting, “Well he needs to see what he’s hitting, doesn’t he silly? Besides, if he’s using his gun, that leaves his mouth available to use other attacks as well!”

Sweetie blinks, processing this information as the smoke begins to die down. “He needs to do two attacks at once? What is he attacking that needs fought? Evil? Darkness?”

“Ya can’t attack th’ darkness!” Applebloom argues, shaking herself as the water clinging to her pelt is flung every which way. “It’s dark! That’s like sayin’ you can attack the brightness!”

“Well why not?” Scootaloo argues, her feathers drenched from the water. “Crysalis attacked Celestia, and Celestia controls the sun, so that makes her brightness in a way, which means that you can too attack the brightness!”

Sweetie Belle and Pinkie Pie ignored the two arguing fillies as the elder explained. “Well, you see Sweetie, if he’s fighting something much bigger than him, he’ll need his chompers to get a grip on it, like Gummy does for my mane! That leaves him free to blast them in the face with Water Gun before running away. It’s very-”

“Oh my gosh!” Scootaloo exclaims, pointing her hoof down the road. “Check out that spikey bird! It’s so cool!”

As the smoke died down, all four ponies turned to see a pony-sized bird hop-skipping along, one of its wings bound up tight as it carried a bundle on its back. It had yellow, almost spike-like feathers, with some black feathers on the upper part of the wing. It had a long, drill-like beak, though it had a monochrome coloration along the head-feathers rather than white. Upon seeing the four ponies observing it, the bird gave a loud chirp, and began running as fast as its legs would allow. 

Cerulean, startled, turns away from the smouldering ruins of the ruined tapestry, turning his gun towards the strange bird. “Tota!”

The bird spreads its wing, glaring at the Totadile as it squawked angrily. “Zapdos! Zap-Zappa-pados!”

Sweetie pokes Pinkie, asking, “Umm, Pinkie? What’s it saying?”

“I think he’s being challenged to a water-balloon fight! That or a muffin-eating contest… Not sure,” Pinkie says, rubbing her chin in thought. 

The two Pokemon began to talk more, Cerulean looking more confused the more the Zapdos talked. As he began to lower his gun, however, Scootaloo struck. She jumped from behind the bush she had hid in, sneaking closer to the bird until it was in striking distance. With her battlecry on her lips, she leapt out, shouting, “Cutie Mark Crusader Bird Catcher! Yay!”

The Zapdos, surprisingly, froze up at the cry before immediately huddling down as best as it could, tucking its extended wing in as it dropped to lay on the ground. The young filly, shocked at the reaction of the radical-looking bird, forgot to extend her small net properly, and thus landed right next to the bird on her back, all trussed up.

The	other three ponies gasp in horror as the strange, dangerous-looking bird Pokemon was now perfectly poised to strike the most impulsive crusader. “Gummy 2.0, quick, use Headbutt!”

Cerulean ignored the order, lowering his gun as he shook his head. Before Pinkie could verbalise her shock at his disobedience, the other two crusaders gasped in horror, clutching each other as the bird terrifyingly started helping Scootaloo out of the rope? The two fillies looked at each other, confused, as the bird seemed to dote on the young pegasus, carefully and deftly liberating Scootaloo.

“Uhh… Thanks?” Scootaloo said, confused. “Hey, Sweetie? Why is the bird helping me? I thought it would be angry.”

“Maybe it thinks you are its chick, and you triggered its maternal instincts?” the marshmallow-colored filly offered. “Oh! Wait, maybe it’s helping you so that you can help it with its wing! See how it’s all bound? It must have gotten hurt!”

“We gotta get it ta’ Fluttershy!” Applebloom exclaims, quickly getting the wagon ready. “Sweetie, get th’ helmets!”

“Girls, I don’t think that-”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Ambulence Drivers! Yay!” came the combined cry from the fillies, the bird blinking as it suddenly found itself seated comfortably between Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo’s wings buzzed before the wagon took off rocketing towards Fluttershy’s cottage, leaving a bewildered Pinkie Pie with Cerulean, who simply scratched his arm before yawning, putting the gun away on his back as he started to wander Ponyville once more.

“There is a game ahoof!” Pinkie declares, narrowing her eyes at the retreating fillies. “And I know just who to call to help…”



“So are ya a whoman?” Applebloom asks the yellow spiked bird eagerly. “What’s ya name? Is it Zapdos? Why are your feathers all spikey? Why’re ya carryin’ a bag?”

The bird blinks at the questions, seems to think for a moment before shaking its head, nods its head, shrugs, and then holds the bag a little tighter in its claws.

“Applebloom, stop!” Sweetie squeaks in protest. “Can’t you see she’s hurt? Stop interrogating her!”

“Ah’m just askin!” Applebloom objects, pouting. “Words don’t hurt nuthin’ so long as ya aren’t lyin!”

The wagon slows down as it approaches Fluttershy’s cottage, and much to the surprise of the fillies, the bird gives a delighted caw as she(?) quickly hops out of the wagon with bag in tow, making a beeline for the door, pecking at it rapidly.

“How does she already know who Fluttershy is?” Sweetie Belle questions, looking to Scootaloo.

“Beats me,” Scootaloo answers, though her eyes are slightly narrowed. 

“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy cries softly, peering at the injured bird on her front porch. “You poor thing! Here, let me-”

The Zapdos jumps forward, its good wing wrapping around the startled form of Fluttershy as it nuzzles a confused Fluttershy energetically.

The three fillies trot up to the door as well, two of the three fillies looking more confused. “Fluttershy?” Sweetie Belle asks. “Why is it nuzzling you like that?”

Scootaloo picks up the discarded bag, her hooves quickly unlatching it to reveal the contents. She lets out a pained gasp, quickly turning to Fluttershy and the bird, the latter looking at Scootaloo with sorrow in its eyes as Scootaloo shakily pulls out a familiar pith helmet. “D-Daring? Sis?”



> Wherein a Flash-Forward Occurs (TO BE HEAVILY EDITED. IGNORE FOR NOW.)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------




Some context for newer readers: 
I had struggled for a long time with writing an update. If you'll notice the time difference between the Tea chapter, the Crusaders chapter, and this chapter, there is a year and a half gap. I need something to get me writing again, and a time skip was just the easiest way I could think of to get back into thing. This chapter is, quite frankly, clunky. I apologize for the suddenness of what happens, and how things have happened. I hope to come back to this chapter in a few months, once I'm not as rusty, and touch it up to flow better, not be as jarring, etc. That being said, I hope you still enjoy, as I'm doing my best to get back into it and work towards solving the problems while still progressing the plot. 










... Whelp, it's been one week since that evening where we settled down to have tea, and here is my advice to any who is willing to accept it from me: don’t drink alcohol, period. It… well, let’s just say that things happened and move on, mkay? Mkay. So, what happened was-

He and Crystal totally got drunk married, the traitor-who-shall-not-be-named cackled. 

... Backstabber, you are dead to me. Leave, before I Sudoku you.

Don’t you mean Seppu-

I know what I said! And it wasn’t our fault! They knew we were drunk! We’re going to get revenge on that “Princess of Love” if it’s the last thing we do! Won’t give us an annulment… Bah! BAH I SAY!

… You don’t need to yell, you know. I’m right freaking here.

I told you to scat!

Da de dop ba du-

Growling, I hit the mute button in my head, silencing Brian. I swear, he’s more trouble than he’s worth… Anyway, I’m sure you’re all wondering about that… ‘marriage’ thing. Apparently, Princess Cadance is under the impression that if you’re willing to say yes while you’re drunk, then you’re willing to say yes eventually under normal circumstances. 

tl;dr, she told them to deal with it.

... I thought I silenced you.

The pink one gave me my own mute button. She said she liked me.

“… It’s official. I’m going crazy, and I can’t slow it down.”

“What, you mean go more crazy? I doubt it. That would start to make you saner.”

Oh joy, my ‘wife’ is here. I rub my forehead, sighing, “Morning, Jessie. Don’t suppose they’ve decided what to do about it yet, have they?”

The Glaceon snorts. “As if they’d actually accomplish something worthwhile. Admit it, Glenn, they haven’t actually done anything this past week, despite what Mini-Zap told them, which- nono, don’t harness yourself yet,” she interrupts herself, stopping me from hooking up to the plow.

“Eh? You mean I’m getting a break from exercising?” I asked, perhaps a little bit too excitedly. The grin she gave me swiftly slaughtered my hope. 

“Oh no, of course not!” she laughs at me. “Not when you’re actually starting to look even vaguely respectable as a Flareon. You’re starting to gain muscle, but you aren’t getting nearly enough cardio. Luckily, my plan will be giving you plenty of that,” she purrs.

I roll my eyes. “What, you’re going to have us go after that temple place all on our own?” I ask sarcastically.

She blinks. “... Yeah, actually. The berry plants have started producing berries, so I’ve been stockpiling them. Since they never spoiled in the games, I’m hoping that they’ll keep fairly well. If we take perishables to help us get through the first week, the berries should carry us through the second. So dense breads, cheeses and the like.”

“... And you think we can handle this… why precisely?” I ask, not computing.

“Tch… Let’s be real, Glenn, the ponies are just going to get in our way,” she snorts, her blade-like tail flicking. “It’s been a week, and they still haven’t done anything about what Daring told them. Time is running out, and if they’re not going to do anything about it, then that’s going to leave it to us. We might not be completely ready to actually fight in these bodies, but what other choice do we have? If we wait for whatever that insane cultist is going to do, it might already be too late. What if more Pokemon are summoned, and they start attacking? We’d be so busy defending that we wouldn’t be able to head out to attack it head-on! 

“Daring has already agreed to come with me,” she continues, her face sombre. “So let me put it this way: either you can let the two of us go off on our own, or you can come along and try to help. I don’t particularly care which. If you come along, then we can have you carry more of the supplies, which would let Daring and I stay more mobile in case we needed to fight. If you don’t, then Daring is fairly confident that the two of us would be able to stay stealthy enough to slip by most threats. So… Thoughts?”

“What about Kaye?” I ask, blinking in surprise at myself that Kaye was my first protest.

Crystal closes her eyes, and her jaw clenches. “... I hate to leave her behind,” she says softly, “but she’s just a child. She needs to stay here, where it’s safe. I trust Luna to watch out for her, and she’ll have plenty of friends in those three fillies. I’ve already written a note that I’m going to leave for her, so that she won’t worry or be hurt too badly. But this… We have to go, Glenn.” 

She swallows thickly, and I had to twist my ears to be able to hear her, even though there wasn’t anyone else around to overhear. “If we don’t, then things could get worse. Is it a panicky reaction? Perhaps, but we can’t just wait for it to come to us. If nothing else, we can at least scour the temple place, and see if there are any clues.”

I sigh, my head drooping. “... Alright, I’m in,” I mumble. “I’m probably insane, but… But I haven’t been working to get fit to just lay about, or do the same thing every single day. We’re stuck here, so we may as well make the most of it, and while it might get us killed, at least I’d be able to say that I was trying to do something with my life…

“Besides,” I continue with a slight smirk, “I can’t have my wife dying off before we can get an annul-”

Shing!

“Ha!” I crow. “Suck it! I dodged it! No more claw marks on this Flareon’s face!”

Crystal narrows her eyes before a wide grin splits on her face. A grin that was so remarkably shark-like that it would make even a dragon nervous. “Oh good, you finally learned the first lesson of fighting. Time to move on to step two, and considering we aren’t leaving until tomorrow morning, and you aren’t going to be pulling that plow around…”

I can only whimper before starting to run as fast as I could, preparing to throw attacks over my shoulder. This wasn’t going to be fun. Not one bit...





I continue to chew my Sitrus berry slowly, the sounds of my eating the only ones filling the living room of the tiny house that was given to Jessie and I as a “Wedding present” from Princess Troll. I bit back another whimper, hiding the wince as a swallow despite how much I hurt. I didn’t want to give Jessie the satisfaction of knowing just how badly I was hurting. 

Said Glaceon was laying down, a blue Oran berry in paw as she watches me from the plush pillow she was curled upon. “Well, at the very least you’ve learned how to toughen up,” she says neutrally. “Daring and I shouldn’t have to worry too badly that you’ll die before we can help you if attacked.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I reply, more out of habit than actual snark. I was far too exhausted for snark, especially when it only seemed to feed the ice-vixen.

“... You’re welcome,” she states simply, stuffing the rest of the berry into her muzzle. “I’m going to take a bath while you finish eating. You’re going to move so slowly you’d use up all of the hot water if you went first.”

“... You do realize that I breathe fire, right? I’m fairly certain that Princess Troll had the bathroom set up specifically to take advantage of that.”

Crystal frowns in the doorway, thinking. “... Yeah, with as thorough as she’s been with everything else, it wouldn’t surprise me,” she grumbles. “Well, come up whenever you’re done eating, I guess.”

I sigh mentally, stuff the rest of the berry in my muzzle, and roll off the couch to land on my paws. I consider it a testament to the training I’ve been forced to endure that I did not stagger as I landed. “May as well come now,” I say stiffly. “Soaking in the tub sounds amazing right now, even if the water is going to be practically boiling.”

“Fine. You get it started then. I’m going to make sure we’re packed for tomorrow. We’re leaving early, after all.”

I nod, squeezing past her as she slips to the side. “Alright. See you in a few minutes then.”

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering just how or why we can talk so casually about having a bath together. Well, when Jessie and I discovered just what sort of position that Discord and Cadance put us in, and learned that they refused to annul the marriage, we came to several simple agreements.

First of all, she gets the bed, and I get the couch. Despite how large and comfortable the bed was, we wanted to make sure that we sent the message to Cadance that we were not amused, and that we were not going to play her game. 

Second, when it came to how we move around the house, and so forth, we fairly quickly agreed that I should go anywhere first. Not because I was tougher, or anything like that, no. It all came down to simple practicality: I had a large, fluffy tail. Jessie only had a thin, wide tail. Not… exactly the best at keeping assets protected, if you catch my drift. I’d like to think I would be able to resist looking, the easiest way to resist is to put yourself in such a position that you never have to be tested to begin with.

Thirdly and finally? Well… to be perfectly frank, we just don’t have the range of motion on our limbs that we had as humans. We needed each other in order to actually clean our backs, and considering how large and furry they were, it wasn’t exactly something that we could try to ignore, especially when every day was filled with sweat like it was. 

I bathe the tub in my flames, despite how hot the water already was. It would help keep the water hotter for longer, and while I dislike heat, I won’t deny how good it feels for my muscles. I carefully slip into the tub, moaning in relief as I settle on the far side, resting my head on the edge of the tub facing the wall. While it didn’t really affect how little of Jessie I would be able to see, it was a matter of respect. As much as I hate how brash and aggressive she is, she hadn’t really done anything to earn my ire, so the least I could do was help show that I wasn’t trying to see what wasn’t mine to see.

I grunt as my eyes open, having been prodded roughly. “What.”

“As much as I just hate to interrupt your sleep, that’s what the bed is for. Bathes are for getting clean. So get clean and wash my back, and then you can sleep.” 

The bed? What was… No, she must mean the couch. Right. Get clean, then relax. I nod, reaching to the small alcove in the wall that held the fur shampoo, putting a large dollop onto Jessie’s back before I started to rub it into her coat.

I really should consider going to the spa to get lessons from those twins, I muse to myself. With how this feels on my paw pads, I certainly wouldn’t mind learning how to do this for a job. Would certainly be a lot less work...

Really? Because it sounds to me like you just want to learn how to make her moan.

... Yup, you caught me Brian, I deadpan. I just want an excuse to feel up her body, and make her moan and write at my touch. You have seen through my oh so clever ploy. Bravo.

“Hey, Glenn?” Jessie asks quietly.

“Hmm? What is it?” I ask, admittedly distracted by my internal argument. 

“... Thanks.”

I blink, confused. “... Beg pardon? Thanks for what?”

She had the audacity to giggle at me! “Not telling. But at least for tonight, you’re sleeping on the bed. I saw how poorly you’ve been sleeping on the couch, and after today’s training, we can’t afford for you to be tired when you wake up when we have a long way to travel.”

I open my mouth to argue, but pause when I realize that it would lead to an argument. An argument with a woman. “... You don’t have to worry about me. I can deal with it. I wouldn’t want to impose.”

Jessie scowls, her jaw bones a bit more visible as she bites for a moment. “... It isn’t an imposition if I offered, first of all. Second, I- I feel like I need to apologize.”

Wow… Leave it to Jessie to make an apology sound like torture. Still, she’s actually apologizing? That’s… now I’m curious as to what she wants to apologize for. “Really? If you say so… What for, if I could ask?”

“I… for….” She takes a deep breath before releasing it explosively. “... For having been treating you like you’re an asshole. You might be aggravating at times, but… Well, I can see that you try to control it, at least to a degree, and while you’ve had equal reason to complain about the situation, you haven’t blames me for it, or gotten upset at me for wanting to…”

“Protect yourself?” I ask, taking a guess at what she was trying to say.

“... Yeah, sure, let’s go with that,” she says as she starts to rub the shampoo into my back.

“Yeah, well,” I say quietly, feeling my face heat up a little, “I’m sorry for the times I’ve annoyed you purposefully. You’re not a horrible person who is trying to make my life hell, despite that being what it feels like at times. So… Yeah. Thanks for helping push me so much. I… I admit that I never really thought before that any diet or exercise plan would ever work, because I didn’t have a support system back home.”

We’re both silent for a moment as she finishes rubbing out the dirt from my coat. “... Yeah, well, someone had to whip you into shape.”

That’s odd… My vision shouldn’t be getting all blurry like this. I turn and hug Jessie tightly, making sure to keep my paws near her shoulders. “Thank you,” I say, absently confused as to how or why it was starting to rain inside.

While she doesn’t reply verbally reply, I can feel her hug me back, and that, silly enough or not, is what convinces me that we are honestly, truly friends.




> In Which the Journey Begins (ALSO TO BE EDITED. PLEASE DISREGARD FOR NOW.)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the bath, Jessie slipped out first, immediately being enveloped by a Flamethrower. Not only did it have the benefit of instantly drying her, but it also meant that I wouldn’t be able to see anything. While I much prefer ice and water, fire could be quite useful at times, it seems.

By the time I finished tossing flames in Jessie’s general direction, she had already turned around, waiting for me as I pulled the plug in the drain. I pulled the curtain shut, closing my eyes before I shook myself vigorously. I really disliked needing to dry myself in such a fashion, but seeing as how Flareon is a dog-like Pokemon, especially with such poofy fur, trying to dry by towel would use up several towels at the absolute least. 

Opening the curtain, I accept the towel that Jessie held out for me, using it to start vigorously rubbing myself as dry as I could. Jessie left once I took the towel, as she recognized that I did need to dry everywhere so… Yeah. 

I just wonder if she was serious about sleeping on the bed tonight. I mean, it isn’t like the couch was that uncomfortable, and I don’t want to give her the wrong impression after we finally patched things up, but… Well, she was the one who offered, so even if she had changed her mind, I shouldn’t get yelled at for poking my head in the door, right?

Who am I kidding, I don’t have a death wish. I knock on the bedroom door lightly. “Jessie? It alright to come in?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” she replies, already sounding like she was dozing off. 

I nudge the door open with my nose, padding in quietly. The room hadn’t changed much at all since the last time I saw it. There were still lavender curtains for the window, a small vanity in the corner, and small nightstands on both sides of the bed. And, let me tell you… This bed was impressive.

It took up, like… two thirds or so of the entire room? I mean, this bed was emperor-sized. Not queen, not king, but emperor. Sorry to repeat myself, but I just want to make sure you understand how massive this bed is.

Anyway, I carefully hop up, noticing that Jessie had chosen to curl up near the center, so I decided to sleep at the foot of the bed. On the rare chance that she changed her mind later, or something unexpected happened, I would be right next to the door. 

I yawn widely, already half asleep as I start to curl up on top of the sheets, knowing I would be far too hot if I tried to cover myself with anything. “Goodnight, Jessie. Thank you…”

I don’t know if she replied or not, as I was already asleep the second my head touched my paws.





I woke some time later, and I could immediately tell I had slept far better than I did on the couch. I felt relaxed, and I wasn’t hot like I had been the past week because it felt like… Well, it felt like someone had wrapped a cold blanket around my back. I squirmed into it, a small smile forming as I felt how soft it was against my fur. It felt oddly similar to fur, but that just made it that much more comfortable. There was even a tiny fan blowing small puffs of cold air into my mane, but it was only the occasional small puff, not at all like the steady whir I was used to back on Earth.

I frown a little bit as I kick Brian from his bed. Hey, what’s up with the fan?

Flamingos and foxes.

Nnnngh… Brian, wake up. What’s with the fan? And… actually, since when is there such a thing as a cold blanket?

Nnn… Crystal?

Oh, yeah, that makes sense, I agree tiredly, starting to fall back asleep.

... Oh shit.

Immediately I tense, my eyes snapping open as we’re both suddenly very much awake. The cold blanket was Jessie. Evidently, at some point in the night, I can only guess that she got cold, and found my back and mane as an acceptable source of heat. I was, in essence, the small spoon, even though I was bigger than her. I would have laughed at the irony if I wasn’t frozen in terror.

She’s going to wake up. She’s going to wake up, and freak out, and kill me. This is exactly what happened before we even met, and she’s going to think I’m taking advantage of her, and she’s going to go back to thinking I’m a pervert…

Just stay asleep, bruh. Just play dead. She won’t kill you if you’re already dead, right?!

I… I’m going to wake her up.

Are you insane?! Just because you’re feeling suicidal doesn’t mean you should take me down with you!

I know, but it’s the only way! If she’s going to hate me, then I at least want to face it head-on. If I just lay here and wait for her to wake up, it would be pure torture! I may as well wake her up and get it over with, right?

... I was an honor to work with you, I suppose. May God have mercy on your soul.

Yeah… No kidding.

Swallowing hard, I take a shuddering breath before I carefully roll onto my stomach, wanting to carefully extract myself from her grip. My eyes nearly bug out when I feel her weight on top of me, her grip on my coat so strong that she had moved with me, while sleeping.

I am beyond doomed… I lament to myself. I carefully lay back down, shuffling over enough to let her lay where I had been, which was a bit warmer than where her cold body had been laying, and apparently she liked that, as she purred quietly as she nuzzled the back of my neck in her sleep.

I… I can’t believe you’re not dead yet, Brian gasps in awe.

You and me both, man.I’m just… I’m going to go back to sleep. At least this way, odds are I’ll die in my sleep. It’ll just be like dying of old age.

Yeah, may as well.

I close my eyes, resigning myself to whatever my fate might be.





I am woken up by Jessie shaking me. “Hey, come on, wake up already!” she hisses. “You’re laying on my arm!”

“Sorry,” I mumble, yawning as I shift to let her extract her limb from- Oh. So that’s how I’m going to die… I release the very weapon she’ll use as the instrument of my destruction.

“S’not your fault,” she replies, grumbling as she shifts behind me. “I just figured you’d be warmer than a blanket, so it’s my own damn fault for getting my arm trapped. I’d ask if you slept alright, but considering how hard it was to wake you, I’m going to take it as you slept well.”

“If you mean aside from the terror in the middle of the night to find out that you had decided to use me as a teddy bear and be scared witless that you were going to wake up and freak out on me like you did when we first met, then yes, I slept well,” I rambled, not having yet installed my filter for the day.

Jessie blinks. “... You are stupidly honest when you wake up, aren’t you.”

“To the point of suicide,” I agree, still not shutting up.

The female Glaceon grins widely. “Ohhhh, I am going to abuse this maliciously. But for now, we need to get going. It’s going to be dawn in a couple hours, and we need to be gone before then. You ready?”

I yawn, covering my mouth with a paw. “Hmm? Yeah, sure. S’not like I need to care what I look like, if we’re going to be traveling all day. The sooner we start, the sooner I get to earn my first break, after all. We can eat on the road.”

Jessie gave me a strange look. “Right… Let’s get going then. Daring said she’d meet us at the edge of the woods to the west.”

“Alright… You left the note for Kaye already?” I ask, stretching both to help pop some bones, as well as to make sure my muscles would be ready for the long hike.

“Yeah… I had actually slipped it into her room last night, but I know it’s fine, since she always goes to bed by eight, and I slipped it in at eight-thirty. I… Do you think we’re making the right choice?”

I pause, frowning in thought. “... Well, regardless of whether or not it’s right, it’s the choice we’ve made, so we should stick with it. We’ll just have to hope and pray that she’ll understand, and if not, that she’ll at least be able to forgive us. She deserves to live in a world that’s safe. Might be dangerous for us, but better us than her. Now come on, there’s no time to hesitate,” I say, moving past her to pick up the saddlebags to put on my back. “As the saying goes, “he who hesitates is lost.” We have chosen our direction. All we can do is move forward with confidence.”

“... Since when did you get so confident?”

“... Probably because I’m scared shitless,” I admit quietly, chuckling nervously. “It’s a lot easier to bluster your way through things and hope it all works out. If I actually stop to think about it, I’ll be too scared to keep moving.”

“Better get moving then,” Jessie says with an evil smirk. “I’m going to have fun watching you sweat yourself to death.”

“I can hardly wait,” I sigh, walking for the door.





As we snuck along the outskirts of Ponyville, the night sky still amazed me. Not only were the constellations different, but since Princess Luna controlled the night sky, there was nearly always something happening, whether it was a small meteor storm or an aurora. 

I realise I have never really gone in-depth as to what Ponyville is like, and for that I apologize. I think it might be because it is still rather amazing how naturesque it is. Yes, the buildings all have electricity and whatnot, but every single house had room for at least a small garden unless you lived near the market-place, but even there the air just… It smells so fresh and invigorating, as if encouraging the small town to do their best to grow crops and sell their wares. No wonder the ‘crusaders’ ran around trying everything to get their marks; it was a good excuse to just run around and play outside with friends.

Regardless, Jessie and I made our way towards the meet-up point, and not for the first time was I grateful that having pawpads meant we moved with near silence. So long as we were able to control our breathing, we should be alright.

My fears turned out to be unwarrented, thankfully, as we slipped into Whitetail Woods. My mind wandered briefly, pondering if there were any deer, and if so, if they were sapient, but I did not wonder long as our dusty-yellow guide fluttered in front of us silently. She looked at me, her head barely moving to the side as the corners of her eyes seemed to tighten. I arched my eyebrow in response, wondering why she seemed confused, but it was ignored. 

Seeming to shrug with her wings, she turned and began to lead the way through the woods. Jessie’s ears remained alert, and I tried to focus myself to remain vigilant. This was our first Pokemon adventure, after all, and I would hate to be the first to roll a Nat 1 on my Perception Che-

Snap!

… Dammit Brian...