"God dammit!" shouted Bill Boberson, head of the Burger Kingdom," Every damn time! McDonalds beat us again! I can't believe they invented time travel, and then gave burgers to the American soldiers during the revolution," He was sweating profusely, due to his rotund figure, and with every motion his tuxedo became more and more soaked in sticky sweat. His bald spot glistened, as he turned an angry shade of beet red. His nostrils flared as he raged at McDonalds.
"Boss, we could always just use our time machine and go back a little bit further," said Jerry helpfully. His appearance didn't really matter, as his life was about to end," wait what?" Jerry asked the narrator in a confused voice.
Bill for his part was remaining exceptionally calm, resorting to merely rubbing his temples in frustration.
"Someone please execute Jerry," said Bill. Almost immediately eighteen men(admittedly to many) came into the large business room, each brandishing a razor sharp bar of soap. They approached Jerry slowly, boxing him in so that he couldn't escape.
"No! Please Don't!" Jerry screamed, but alas, it was too late. The men in black were soon upon him, furiously washing his feet. Jerry thrashed and screamed in agony as the men continued to scrub his bunions. After about three whole days of washing Jerry couldn't take it anymore, and he died of cleanliness.
"Now then," said Bill as he bent over the long, wooden, rectangular table that had four other sexy businessmen seated in front of it," does anyone else have an idea?"
Ben Stiller gulped. It hadn't been long ago that he'd quit acting, and already he was regretting the decision. He racked his brain for ideas before the perfect one entered his supple, delicious brain.
"Sir," Ben said nervously," McDonalds may have us beat here, but what about other universes?"
Bill couldn't believe his ears. Ben Stiller, a B-list actor at best, had just presented him with the solution to everyone's problems.
"Bill you're a genius, we'll send one of our men across dimensions to advertise our new Mini Mini Whopper, the Whopper that is the size of a pinhead."
"But sir," interjected Ben," Who would be right for the job?"
"I know exactly who," Bill laughed and smiled ominously," fetch me The Burger King."
______________________________________________
Burger King gave the thumbs up, and put on his safety goggles.
"All clear!" yelled Bill," prepare for inter-dimensional transport."
"Sir," said Ben Stiller," I hope you don't mind me asking, but how does this thing even work?"
"Well, Ben, you see that enormous candy cane?"
"Yeah."
"That's it."
"Fascinating."
Bill pulled a large red switch and the giant candy cane poured gallons of walnut paste onto the Burger King. There was a bright flash, and in an instant the Burger King was gone.
Burger King awoke to find himself in a most peculiar position. He was upside-down, and tied up like a piñata. Even more baffling however were his surroundings. He saw nothing but bright pink streamers everywhere, literally, the floor was nowhere in sight, heck, neither were the walls or ceiling.
Burger King rotated his head one hundred and eighty degrees to see that behind him was a shocked and scared little pink pony. He thought it was possibly the most adorable thing since the Whopper Jr. and it hurt his heart to see her so scared. So he did what I'm sure any of you would do in such a situation, he activated the buzz saw in his chest and freed himself. Then he approached the adorable pink pony with the intention of calming her through sexual assault.
"S-s-stay back you...piñata thief!" the pink pony shouted.
"Why?" replied The Burger King, breaking his creepy, and stoic demeanor," All I want is to have sex with you."
The pony's expression instantly changed to one of pure joy.
"Really? Well why didn't you just say so, my name is Pinkie Pie by the way, and I love sex! It's the greatest party ever, a party in your pants!" Pinkie giggled uncontrollably, entertained by her own little joke. The Burger King shushed her with his finger.
"Shut up and kiss me." he said seductively.
Pinkie tackled him to the ground, planting wet, sloppy kisses on Burger King's massive porcelain head. She kissed him savagely, leaving no inch of his head unkissed. Then, she nibbled at his neck, eliciting an aroused giggle from The Burger King. She unbuttoned his Hawaiian shirt, slowly kissing down his toned chest, pausing for a moment to lick his six pack. After she was done making out with his abdominals she kissed down even further, reaching her prize. She unbuttoned his jean shorts, and pulled down the zipper. Truly these were admirable feats for someone with hooves, but for Pinkie doing things such as this were really no problem.
Pinkie saw the boxers with the burger pattern and grabbed them in her teeth. With one hard pull she ripped them from The Burger King's waist, releasing his enormous, rock-hard burger dick. Pinkie marveled at it's massive size, poking it with a hoof. She grabbed it with her forlegs, enjoying the weight and feel of it's incredible length and girth. The thick, rippling veins that covered it fascinated her.
"I've never seen such a huge cock before," Pinkie said incredulously," it's beautiful. Kind of like a swan covered in hair and sweat," Pinkie stroked The Burger King's dick a few times, smiling at the aroused gasps escaping his mouth with each passing stroke.
Pinkie then licked the big, pink head, causing The Burger King to release a soft moan. She giggled and puckered her lips, placing a kiss on his wet penishole. Another moan escaped The Burger King. She decided to toy with him yet again, giving his penis one good, long lick from tip to base.
"Pinkie, please stop teasing me."
Pinkie complied, taking the head of his burger dick into her mouth. She further tongued the tip of his penis, then she slid the huge cock into her mouth until she couldn't fit anymore dick in her gullet. She had only really gotten about half of the massive meatstick into her mouth, but she decided to work with it. Slowly she bobbed her head up and down, licking his sensitive glans with her skilled tongue. Simultaneously she was using her right hoof to furiously rub her wet cunt, moaning in pleasure even with the dynamic dick in her mouth.
"Pinkie that feels amazing," gasped The Burger King. Pinkie began to knead his balls, with one hoof. This sent The Burger King over the edge. He released wave after wave of sticky seminal fluids down Pinkie's throat. Pinkie, for her part was doing an amazing job at swallowing The Burger King's voluminous load.
Once The Burger King stopped cumming Pinkie released his cock from the confines of her mouth,sputtering and gasping for air. Pinkie licked the few drops of cum that managed to spill off of her lips, and kissed The Burger King's porcelain lips before positioning herself over his still hard cock.
She put her hoof down by her pussy again, wiping off some of the lubricant she had produced in her arousal. She showed her hoof to The Burger King.
"See how wet you made me? Now I want your massive member in my slippery slit." Pinkie then lowered herself down upon The Burger King's big burger dick, putting the entire thing inside of her with one powerful push of Pinkie power. She cried out in pleasure and pain as she began to slide up and down on the power pole, the pounding of her rump against his hips creating a rhythmic fapping sound.
Their various moans and screams created a symphony of sex as their sweat caused the streamers that were all over the floor to stick to their bodies. Not that they minded, they were too busy having the sex trip of their lives. As they drew closer and closer to orgasm Pinkie began to bear down even harder on the massive, mammoth-like member. It was hitting her in all the right places, it's girth easily reached her g-spot, and its incredible length caused her to scream in wild ecstasy every time it slammed into her cervix. Over time she began to convert into nothing more than a feral, cock hungry beast.
"FUCK ME, FUCK ME!" Pinkie screamed like a wild animal, as she began to rock back and forth on The Burger King's mighty rod. The Burger King acquiesced to her demand, beginning his own rhythm of humping to match Pinkie's wild rocking. Eventually the throws of orgasm prepared to strike both of them, ready to thrust upon them a kind of pleasure neither had ever felt before.
Pinkie came first,shuddered as the pleasure of orgasm washed over her, rocking her entire body and launching her into spasms. She cried out as her femjizz coated The Burger King's lower body in slippery slit secretions. This sent him over the edge, launching him into his own twisted fit of cum and convulsions. His body tightened as he unleashed his powerful cum cannon deep inside of Pinkie, filling her womb with the future labor of their love.
Pinkie wasn't done though, and neither was The Burger King. They stared into each other's eyes, each sending and receiving their respective signals of unwavering lust. Pinkie turned her ass towards The Burger King. He got the message loud and clear. Pinkie wanted it doggy style, and she wanted him to deliver.
"No problem," The Burger King thought to himself,"If there's any way that I'm not like the restaurant of the same name, it's that I definitely do deliver. " So he placed the head of his cock at the lips of Pinkie's thoroughly soaked labia.
"Ram me hard," said Pinkie. The Burger King did just that, burying his colossal chemical cannon into her curvaceous, cavernous cunt. He thrusted into her, full force, his balls slapping against Pinkie's clitoris, only adding to the immense pleasure. They both released guttural moans as they tried to satiate their incredible lust, each one doing their part to intensify the other's experience.
This time The Burger King was the first to succumb to the sweet, sensual siren song known as orgasm. He released another load of cum, this time overflowing Pinkie's vacuous vagina. The shock alone sent Pinkie into another violent climax, squirting both her and her partner's orgasmic fluids all over The Burger King's waist.
They collapsed in a sweaty , panting heap, basking in the afterglow, with several cups of creamy cum still pouring from Pinkie's spacious slit and onto the streamer covered floor.
"You were amazing," Pinkie said in between pants.
"That's high praise, but all that matters to me is that you had it your way."
Pinkie smiled, but then she realized what he had just said.
"What did you just say?"
"I said that's high praise."
"I KNEW IT!" Pinkie punched The Burger King's porcelain head, shattering it into pieces revealing the real person she had had sex with. She couldn't believe it, her suspicions were correct.
Nicholas Cage was sitting comfortably in his recliner, reading the morning paper. It had been four whole years since he and Pinkie Pie had gotten married, an ordeal that nearly cost them their entire livelihood. Due to the anti-inter-species relationship laws that had a tight grip on the testes of society, they'd had to launch a campaign against what was, in their opinion nothing but fascist propaganda. It had taken a year's worth of time and effort, but eventually they won the courts over, and finally get the life they wanted. But fate would not be so forgiving.
For months after their victory ponies and all other species seemed to want them gone. They had received hundreds of death threats, letters that criticized the young couple for being anarchistic heathens, hell even a few bricks through the window. Guess the classics never die.
Nicholas Cage sighed and took a long huff from his corncob pipe. It was because of all of the constant badgering that they were still afraid to reveal their beautiful daughter to the public eye. Sometimes he liked to think that if the world saw her, and was able to realize her beauty...maybe the world could accept her.
The wails of his daughter broke Nicholas from his trance, and he got up off of the recliner, ready to aid his beloved child. He walked calmly towards the hallway, passing the various sentimental items that littered the room. Their babies first lock of hair, some framed pictures from when Pinkie was pregnant, and in the hospital. It was actually kind of sad, remembering her like that. In the later part of her pregnancy Pinkie, had grown weak.
She was so very strong, a real fighter, but once again fate had to rear its ugly head. Nicholas held back tears as he walked through the hallway. He stopped at what was once the room where Pinkie had tried, with little to no success, to start her own business. A little shop called Pinkie's Coaster Cozies.
He chuckled in fond memory of his wife and continued on to his daughter's room. He opened the pink door to see his young daughter thrashing about in her crib. He sighed, she was just hungry again. Nicholas went into their kitchen, a simple room with a small pantry, a refrigerator, and a small stove. Nothing else really, after all, this was all they could afford. He had found a job as a fisherman, hired only for his dexterous hands, and it didn't pay much.
He had been a stay at home dad, but with Pinkie gone he had to seek employment. Thankfully he had Sandi and Cheryll, a nice griffon couple, to look after his daughter when he was out working. He really was lucky to know them, as they were the ones who really helped him and Pinkie to fight the system.
Smiling, he opened the refrigerator door and pulled out a bottle of formula. He walked back to his daughter's room, and handed her the bottle. She took it, sucking greedily on the rubber nipple. Nick smiled softly. She really was a beautiful girl.
She was all pink, like her mother, with the same poofy mane and tail, but she had his face, and of course his glorious hands. She had his same teeth, the elegant yet chiseled jaw, and his lustrous facial hair.Her arms were the same as a humans, with skin instead of fur.Her little hands were fat and stubby, with little pink fingers that ended in hooves rather than finger nails. Her back legs were similar to human legs, long and muscular, but they had hooves instead of feet. Naturally her body was that of a pony's, as well as her head and neck.
She finished the bottle and burped, then fell back asleep. Nick walked out of the room and exhaled sharply. He walked back into the living room and picked up one of the framed pictures. It was of the second time they had sex, Pinkie decided that she wanted him to wear the giant porcelain head again, because as it turned out that was her fetish. His eyes welled up with tears as he remembered her loving cries of 'FUCK ME, FUCK ME YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST' he remembered how his butt clenched when he came inside of her, and this sent him over the edge.
Nicholas Cage collapsed in a sobbing heap of man and trembled on the floor, babbling nonsense as he blubbered and mourned over the loss of his wife. He thought about how to relieve his pain as his weeping grew ever more intense. Nicholas didn't want to be away from his wife anymore,and he knew what he needed to do.
Nicholas walked into the kitchen, reached into his drawer and pulled out a large butcher's knife. He then walked to his daughter's room. He took a second to give her a light peck on the cheek.
"Don't worry baby girl, we'll be a family again soon enough."
Nicholas stroked his daughter's hair as he placed the knife at the soft portion of her head and pushed into it. The knife sunk through and instantly his daughter's breathing stopped. He withdrew the blade from his child's cranium. Then, turned it on himself, slicing along his neck.
He fell back against a wall, slowly sliding to the ground. He smiled as he felt death's cold embrace. His last thought was
I'm coming home Pinkie. __________________________________________________
With no word back from their mascot, Burger King didn't know what to do. Eventually they went out of business. Millions lost their homes and the president of the failed restaurant chain was burned at the stake for his insolence. And everyone lived happily ever after.
It has come to my attention that Nicolas Cage doesn't have an "h" in his name. I'd like to thank the guy at EQAD for alerting me. I'd also like to say that nanana, I got on EquestriaAfterDark and you didn't. Unless you did... Thank you.
Nicolas Cage awoke to find himself surrounded by a vast existential nothingness. He looked around, and saw nothing but darkness. He tried to move around but found that his body was paralyzed. Utter silence dominated the area, an interesting concept, or so Nicolas believed it to be one. How could silence dominate anything with it's sheer lack of presence?
Nicholas Cage pondered the situation for all that he was worth, all eighteen million dollars, and yes that is his net worth. He noted that while what surrounded him was essentially nothing, he could still feel it. It felt cold and lonely, a harsh contrast to his formerly extravagant lifestyle. Nicolas gasped. Far off in the distance he could see something that broke the still tranquility of the nothingness entirely, it was, something.
This something was moving toward Nicholas at a steady, easy pace, not one that would call for alarm. As the something drew nearer Nicolas Cage was able to more easily distinguish the features it possessed. It had a large nose, an enormous mustache, and enormous poofy hair.
"Gene Shallot?" said a confused Nicolas Cage, effectively shattering the silence surrounding them.
"Yes Nicolas, it is I, Gene Shallot, but you may call me The Decider, a fitting name seeing as how I rule your fate.
"Well what is to be my fate Mr.Shallot?"
"In due time Mr.Cage, but first tell me, where would you like to go?"
"I'd like to go wherever my wife went."
"Fate cannot be decided by your personal ties. Where is it that you believe she went?"
"Heaven."
"Funny thing about your beliefs. Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Mr.Cage do you believe your wife went to heaven?"
"Of course."
"Would it be heaven for you if you were there with her?"
"Yes."
"Then you shall go to hell instead."
"Why?"
"Because Ghostrider 2."
Before Nicolas Cage could respond he felt a powerful suction coming from underneath him, he began to sink further into the nothingness until even Gene Shallot was no longer visible. He felt as though his body was being pulled through hot tar, the pain was terribly excruciating , his hair and skin felt as though they were melting away, and his muscle tissue was being exposed to the harsh elements that surrounded him.
Suddenly, all at once the heat stopped, and his pain ceased. Nicolas fell to the ground, a refreshing feeling after the empty space. He looked around and saw hell. It was horrible, basically it was Detroit but on fire. Nicolas scoffed, in his movies everything is on fire, so this was nothing to him. A large figure approached him.
"I, am Satan," it said, his large ram horns glistening in the firelight. Picture Leonardo DiCaprio, but all red with huge swirly goat horns. He was in a luxurious business suit," You seem frightened, but don't worry, hell is exactly like Earth, just...you know, on fire, well anyway here is your apartment key, now go that way." Satan pointed his delicious finger in a direction that is not important,"Just beware of the mad hatter."
Satan disappeared in a cloud of crushed Gobstoppers, and Nicolas Cage decided to head off in the direction of his new apartment. Along the way he passed hundreds of serial killers and lawyers, and he struck up a nice conversation with Martin Luther King jr.
He reached his apartment after a few minutes of walking. It was a nice, modest apartment, baby blue in color. He climbed the stairs to his section of the complex and unlocked the door. Inside was basically your average middle class home if it were on fire. He took off his shoes and proceeded to the back of the area. He could explore later, for now it was time to rest.
Nicolas walked up to his bedroom and opened the door. Inside he found his beloved Pinkie Pie reading on the bed. She looked up and smiled. They ran up to each other and hugged.
"Honey, how did you get here?" Nicolas asked in between kisses.
"Who cares? Just fuck me now!"
They kissed each other with the burning passion of a million suns, their hearts warmer now than the fire that surrounded them. Pinkie ripped Nicolas's shirt and pants off, not even bothering with foreplay. They continued to kiss as Nicolas shimmied out of his boxers, releasing his enormous hardening member from it's fabric prison.
Suddenly a man in a hat appeared next to them, they screamed and Nicolas covered his cock.
"CHANGE PLACES!" the man screamed, and instantly Nicolas and Pinkie swapped genitalia, Nicolas now having a small pink vagina, and Pinkie sporting a huge cock.
As soon as he arrived he was gone, leaving Pinkie and Nicolas sitting on their bed. They looked at each other and Nicolas nodded. Pinkie instantly leapt onto Nicolas, smothering him further with her lips as she twiddled his labia with her hoof. Nicolas moaned, overcome by this immense and new pleasure as his clitoris was stimulated beyond belief.
Pinkie continued to play with Nicolas Cage's rapidly wetting cunt. Her stiff rod glistening with precum as she suckled on one of Nicolas Cage's nipples.
Nicolas pushed pinkie off of him and rolled over on top of her, taking her massive cock into his hand. He stroked it a few times, causing Pinkie to arch her back in pleasure from this new stimulation. Pinkie gasped as Nicolas playfully kissed the tip of her head, giggling at Pinkie's adorable moans. He then took the head into his mouth, sucking on it and licking the glans with great familiarity.
It had been his cock after all, and he knew it better than anyone else. He released the massive member from its oral chamber once he decided it would be wet enough for insertion, and he got on his hands and knees, presenting himself to Pinkie.
Pinkie took the hint and mounted Nicolas Cage, carelessly ramming her entire cock into Nicolas Cage's cavernous cooter. The pleasure and pain caused Nicolas Cage to cry out in ecstasy as he orgasmed from the sheer girth of the organ that was penetrating him.
Pinkie began to thrust, going hard and fast. She drew her massive dick all the way out to the head, and slammed it back in as hard as she could, repeating this process over and over. Nicolas Cage came once again as Pinkie's testicles smacked his clitoris, dowsing them both in orgasmic fluids.
Pinkie felt an enormous wave of pleasure preparing to engulf her genitalia, and she screamed as she came wave after wave of seminal fluid into Nicolas Cage's baby cavern. They collapsed on each other, laying, panting and covered in cum.
"That was fast," said Nicolas in between gasps.
"Not a lot of practice," said Pinkie, barely even able to make sense.
