The Adventure Begins! (And ends)
So Celestia comes down in her chariot like all WWWOOOOOO-THOMP and she get's out and she's all, “YO, whaddup homefillies?”
Twilight's all gonna run up to her goin' like “OMC Celestia there's no CAKE.”
And Celestia's all like “NO WAY.”
So they trot on down to Sugarcube Corner and they're like “WTB is the CAKE, CAKE SLAVES?” [lol Royal Canterlot voice] and Mrs. Cake passed out because she saw Luna behind them and Luna was all like,
“YO TIA QUIT COPPIN' MY VOICE!”
And so she bitchslapped Celestia LIKE A BOSS and Celestia was all “I'm the ruler of FREAKIN' EQUESTRIA I can CAPS LOCK if I want!”
So she went like all super Saiyan and the roof like exploded and stuff and Mr. Cake came in and he was like, “Dude, Princess, you blew up my roof”
So Celestia like walked out and was all like “Whatevs.”
And so Twilight and Luna were all standing there and they were “WTB?”
And so there was no roof and stuff so Rainbow was flying over head and she was all “Dude, why'd the roof explode.”
So Luna was like “Tia's being all stuck-up princessy, yo.”
Then Twilight was all like “We still don't have any cake!”
And then Pinkie jumped out of Rainbow's mane and she was all, “I'll make the muthabuckin' cake, yo!” and jumped down and grabbed some clouds and threw them in a blender and she was all like, “It's a cotton candy cake, whaddup!”
And Twilight was all, “But Pinkie, those are normal clouds and they're just water!”
And then they all went LOL and Rainbow was like, “Twilight you crack me up, gurl!”
And Pinkie was like, “Twilight, don't you know cotton candy's made out of water?”
And Twilight was all, “NO WAI!”
And everypony was all, “YA WEH.”
So they laughed and they decided to make the cake and stuff because they needed a whole bunch of them because Celestia had ordered, like, three thousand cakes so they were all making the cakes and Pinkie took one of the cakes out of the oven and she was all like “OMC I baked Sweetie Belle into this cake!”
And Rarity came in and she was all like “Where's Sweetie Belle?!?!”
And Pinkie was all like, “She's in this cake here, yo.”
So she gave Rarity the cake and Rarity was all like, “OH NOES” but then Sweetie Belle jumped out of a cupboard and said,
“Surprise, sis!” and Pinkie was all nibblin' on Rarity's flank and she said, “We foaled you it was just a trick so I could see if you actually taste like a marshmallow!”
And Rainbow was all “Pfft, I coulda told you that was that out loud?”
And so she took off and she was all blushing and stuff because she was embarrassed and didn't want anypony to know that she was seeing Rarity because that's actually what she meant by that you see?
Good? Good.
Now that we've got that straightly,
After Rainbow took off, Rarity started helping them with the cakes and Sweetie Belle was helping her sew the frosting onto a cake that was made out of solid gold and Pinkie decided to taste one of those cotton candy cakes and she was all like “OW WTB.” And she spat something into her hoof and she was all like, “Who the hell put a shuriken in this cake?”
And Rarity said “Oh, that's a gold ninja star that I meant to melt down for this special solid gold cake. I must've forgot to do that, sorry.”
And Pinkie was all like, “Okay I get that, that cake looks tasty.”
But Rarity was all like, “Yeah but you can't have any of this because Celestia paid three hundred thousand bits on this cake and if you eat any of this she'll probably send you to the moon.”
And Twilight was all like, “Dude the only pony the Princess sent to the moon was Luna.”
Then Luna was all like, “Yeah and it's totally not made out of cheese!”
And then Pinkie was like, “Wait a tick who uses shuriken? We all have hooves!”
LO! Lyra jumped out of nowhere in a ninja cowl but she wasn't very stealthy because she was only wearing the cowl, and the cowl itself was blue like her body and she was all like, “WTB are you doing with my gold shurikens I paid like three hundred bits on those on E-Neigh!”
And Rarity was all like, “Those were YOUR shurikens? I just found those laying around in my boutique and I was going to sew them into a dress but I decided to use them for cake.”
So Lyra was like, “OMC I dropped those off so you could make a ninja dress for me!”
And Luna was like “WTB IS A NINJA DRESS?”
And Lyra grabbed the shuriken and threw it at Luna and Luna turned it into silver before it hit her so it wouldn't cause as much damage but it stuck into her shoulder and she was all like, “I'VE GOT SILVER POISONING NOW.”
And Twilight was all like “I know a spell to cure you, Luna!”
So she aimed her unicorn magic and the shuriken popped out and the magic turned Luna into Nightmare Moon and Luna was like, “NOOOOO, I MUST RESIST EVIL.”
But Luna wasn't really turned into Nightmare Moon she was just infected with the Silver Ninja Virus which is made when a shuriken gets hit with magic and enters a pony's blood but when it goes into an alicorn's blood it makes them a ROYAL SILVER NINJA WITH WINGS. And so Luna flew through the roof that wasn't there and she was all like, “Dudes I'm a ninja now I'm gonna go kick the hay out of Tia's prissy flank, yo!” and then she flew off and she was like, “WOOOOHAHAHAH!” [Royal Canterlot Voice lol] and everypony got real quiet.
And they stayed quiet for maybe, like, half an hour?
And then Mrs. Cake finally came to and she was all like, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?”
And Pinkie was like, “Celestia blew up the roof, Mrs. Cake.”
And Mrs. Cake was all like. “I'm gonna [pony related verb] that [derogatory pony term]!” and started to run out but then Mr. Cake stopped her and was like, “There's no need to do that Princess Luna's a ninja and she's gonna kick Celestia's flank.” and Mrs. Cake was all, “Okay then! Pinkie can you handle the shop while we're gone?”
And Pinkie gave an exceedingly BOSSLIKE hoof-salute and she said, “OMC I AM READY.” and she jumped on this podium that appeared out of nowhere and she sang a badass song about watching the store and how READY she was and how she's never been MORE READY for anything in her entire short pitiful yet ridiculously cheerful life.
And so the Cakes left (not the cakes that they were making for Celestia, because that would just be weird) and everypony else was like, “Wait, we don't have enough ingredients for three thousand cakes!”
Forsooth egads! they all left the store but Pinkie was supposed to watch the store so she shoved the whole store into a portal so it could fit into a saddlebag. So they were shopping at a market for cake ingredients when Spike came running up and he grabs Twilight's tail and she's all like, “WTB Spike that hurt!”
And Spike's all like. “Sorry Twilight but I have to tell you something really important!”
And she's all like, “Oh noes Spike is somepony hurt?”
And he's all like, “No it's nothing like that.”
And he looks really worried and stuff and he takes a deep breath and goes. “Well – “ and SMASH! because Applejack came up behind him and runs him over with a cart and she's all like, “OMC are you okay sugarcube?”
And he's all like, “My spine's twisted backwards but it's okay because I've got thick scales.”
…
Yes, really.
And he pops his spine back into place and Twilight's all like, “AJ, WTB? He was about to tell us something importantly!”
And Applejack's all like “Issat righ'? Issat sew? Cause I have something very, very important to tell everypony, especially Spike!” and they were all listening SO. BUCKING. INTENTLY. And she took a deep breath and went, “Spike, you're gonna be a daddy!”
“Gasp!” Twilight says.
“Also gasp!” Rarity said.
“Gasp!” Applejack says.
“Gasp gasp!” Spike says.
“The gasp has been doubled!” Silver Royal Ninja Luna with Wings says.
And Rarity is all like “Of all the ridiculous cliches that could happen, this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. CLICHE!!”
And Twilight's all like “But we should be happy for them... um... right?”
So Rarity is all like “Um, NO. Do you know why? Because Spike has been seeing ME for the past three years!”
And there was another round of gasps from everypony around so Pinkie decided to start a gasp collection and there were so many gasps that Sugarcube Corner started to collapse in her saddlebags!
But anyway everypony was finished gasping and Spike was like “But Rarity I thought we were on a break?!”
“Who in Equestria told you that you puckish little scamp?”
And he was all like “You did when you said 'you're the worst pincushion ever, you scampish little puck!' or something like that.”
And Applejack was all like “Well there ain't no way you're takin' him back now, ya scanky marshmalla'!”
“Oh, I'm a scanky marshmallow, am I? Is that why you've been so enamored with me, dear Applejack?”
“Oh wait yeah we've been datin for like two years now, but I ain't 'namored with ya!” and Applejack turned around and Spike stopped her and he was all like,
“Dude, AJ, you've been cheating on me with Rarity?”
And Applejack was all, “Yeah, but you were cheating on me with Rarity too, so we're even, right?”
And everypony nodded and Pinkie was like, “T'yah, it's all right here in the Official Pony Slashfic Rulebook!”
And everypony was pretty much in shock that that book even existed and even more so that Pinkie had read it and Applejack and Rarity were all up in each other's faces and Twilight pulled them apart and she was all like, “Girls, why can't we all get along?” and they both turned and punched Twilight square in the face and she was all like “Dude, that was totally uncalled for!” and they were both like, “Deal with it.”
And Spike was all like, “I still haven't told you all what I was gonna say!”
So they were all like, “Well say it then, Spike.”
And Twilight was all, “With all the bucked-up stuff that's happened today I think I can take it.”
Then!
Spike did a dramatic pause.
And decided to extend it for a few lines.
[Dramatic pause]
[/end dramatic pause]
“What I've been trying to tell you all, is that today...”
“Yeah?” Everypony said since they were listening SO. BUCKING. INTENTLY.
“...I found out I'm actually a girl!”
[Pause of shock]
And then as if a great crash of thunder rose from the very bowels of the planet, everypony present (and even a few who weren't present) shouted a passionate.
“DO. NOT. WAAAAAAAAAANNNTTT!!!!”
And then, there was silence. Equestria stood still. Somewhere Fluttershy was having tea with a frog or something.
Then Trixie jumped out of a grocery bag in the back of the store and shouted, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is thoroughly perplexed at this revelation. How in Celestia's name could the small puckish dragon have impregnated the sassy apple-flanked mare if he is, in reality, of the feminine persuasion? ANSWER ME THIS, YOU SIMPLE-MINDED FOALS!”
And so Luna showed up and tagged Trixie with a silver shuriken.
Moral of the story: DON'T COP LUNA'S VOICE, BITCHES.
[Twilight Sparkle shook in the throes of shock, the six unusually heavy pages fluttering to the floor as her magic released them from her grasp. The room seemed to be spinning, and she had a very compelling urge to set fire to her entire library. She looked up weakly at the pegasus smiling cheerfully at her, her eyes crossed in such a disarming way that nopony would ever guess she had spawned something so dangerous. Mustering her last ounce of strength, Twilight whimpered,
“Ditzy... maybe you should try some other artistic endeavor. And never... write... again.” ]
FIN.