Worshipping God... With the Goddess of the Sun (And the Spirit of Chaos)
Christmas Dinner
By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro
Author's Note: Let's put the timeline for this between Haygas Chaos and Around Equestria in 80 Days.
My House, Around 5:30 PM
I sat on my bed. Christmas night, and my family had gone to Germany to celebrate. I thought about some of the things I would miss- the christkindlesmarkt, the rabbit sausages, etc. Then I remembered that in Germany, MLP was in German.
I don't speak German. (But I can if you like xD)
Since I can't speak German, I decided to stay home for Christmas. What's that? Christmas is about enjoying the company of your family and friends? Well, I don't know about your family, but mine is ASIAN. We're Bhuddist. Or at least my parents are. And I had (*have) plenty of friends (plenty = three).
I sighed. My friends had gone on trips with their families for the holidays. I was stuck watching TV and YouTube, reading fics and tentacle hentai.
Then, I heard a sound from the portal in my closet. Then I heard a loud crash as whatever came out of the portal collided with the closet door.
"Agh, sonofa-"
"Discord? What are you doing?"
"Well, it's 'Christmas', as you humans call it..."
"Right..."
"And you have no life..."
"I wouldn't say that..."
"So why don't you come down to Canterlot to teach us about it?"
"... Why not."
"Great!"
And so we went through the portal. Since I had gone through once before, it no longer injured me. (Thank Luna for that)
The Canterlot Hallways
"Don't thank Luna."
"What?"
"Thank me. It's because of me that the pain is only a one time experience."
"Did you just read my mind?"
"Yes."
"Stop. There is some stuff in there that's too messed up for anyone but me."
"Oh yeah? Like wha- HOLY SHIT THAT'S MESSED UP."
"I told you."
"Oh shit man... That's just... What kind of person-"
"Human beings. Enough of that, the readers are getting bored."
"Yeah. Let's just get to the lecture hall."
The Lecture Hall
Discord walked onto the stage. "Now presenting, the only human willing to talk to us about this topic, Kuroyami Fukaikuro explaining Christmas!"
I walked onstage.
"Christmas is the human celebration of the Birth of our Savior, Jesus H. Christ. I say 'Human' Celebration, but in reality, the rejoicers of this event is limited based on the religion, the belief, of the individual. Not everyone celebrates this. Some people, like Jews, celebrate other things. The people who celebrate Christmas are Christians. The most reknown kind of Christian is Catholic.
"Anyways, back to Christmas. While we celebrate it in winter, the actual birth of Jesus probably occured during the spring, due to the presence of sheep and shepards.
"The birth of Jesus is well celebrated due to the firm Christian belief that he is the Savior of all mankind. There are many arguements one can make with them, but I won't go into that.
"One of the things that make the birth of Jesus special is that he was, according to the story, concieved without the use of sexual intercourse. His mother was thus dubbed, 'The Virgin Mary'.
"One of the major distinctions about Christmas is the act of gift-giving; taking the time (and money, dear god why does stuff cost so much) to purchase- or handmake, if you have the proper skill-set -gifts for family, friends, etc. There are two probable reasons for this act. The first is that, according to the story, upon the birth of Jesus, Three Kings arrived with three gifts- gold, myrrh, and frankincense. These gifts had symbolic meaning; the gold was a symbol of human kingship. The Frankincense was a symbol of religous importance. And the Myrrh, traditionally used in embalming, symbolized death.
"Altogether the three gifts show Christ's significance; He is a King among men (gold), and in Heaven (frankincense), but being a man, he will eventually die (myrrh). And if the story is true, he did die. But that's a completely different event altogether.
"The other probable reason for gift-giving is the story of Saint Nicholas, or, as he was known in life, the Greek 'Hagias Nikolaos'. This particular Saint was well known for leaving gifts of money and food for the poor and needy. In time, his story would spread, and eventally lead to the act of gift-giving.
"And that is Christmas. Any questions?"
A particular girl with purple hair and a pink highlight stood up. "How did Jesus Christ die?"
"I'll come back on that holiday and explain it to you then. Anything else? No? Good." I walked off stage.
Discord came up to me. "That was a wonderful explanation! Hey, the Hearth's Warming Eve feast is about to start! You gonna stay for that?"
"Seeing how my only other option is Chinese food, which I have every other night, I'll accept."
There were rather awkward seating positions at the feast. That is, Celestia, Discord, Twilight and I were all at table seperate form everypony else.
I sat across from Twilight, and Discord from Celestia.
"So." Twilight began.
"So." I responded.
"What was up with you-"
"Instead of getting into boring- bullshit dramatic stuff, here's a gift." I handed her a book, and she read the title.
"The complete works of... Friedrich Nietzsche?"
" 'A true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he want's woman, as the most dangerous plaything.' "
"I'm guessing he said that?"
"Yes."
"That's kind of sexist."
"Is it really?"
"Yes."
"Think about it. Women are what all (straight) men want. And yet, they can be the destroyer of men. Thus, 'the most dangerous plaything'."
"Still. Anyways, what's with you running off like-"
Thankfully, Celestia interrupted her.
"So Kuroyami, can you please tell me the whole story of Jesus?" she then mumbled quietly, "So I can figure out why people worship him and not me..."
"Sure. Jesus was born. I told you that. At a young age, he astounded the scholars of a local temple with wisdom beyond his age. At some point or other, he got 12 people, his disciples, who followed his every word and teaching."
"Twelve! Hmm, should I get some more faithful students?..."
"C-Celestia!" Twilight exclaimed.
"What? This man was apparently so great that he got TWELVE suckers to believe he actually did what he did... What did he do anyway?"
"He cured blindness and deafness, fed many with only a single loaf of bread (and a single fish), and he even BROUGHT THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE."
"I-I raise the sun every day."
"Can you bring back the dead?"
"No, the souls of the dead are the jurisdiction of another alicorn..."
"Really? Who?"
"My dad..."
"Huh. Well in the end, one of his Disciples got jealous and sold Jesus out to some nonbelievers for 30 pieces of silver. Jesus was put on trial... Well, it was more of a lynching actually. Then he was whipped and beaten repeatedly, before being forced to carry a heavy wooden cross throughout the town. He was then nailed to the cross and they stuck him there for all to see until he died. One soldier, Longinus, was said to have stabbed Jesus' side with his spear as he hung there."
"That's awful..." Twilight said.
"Yeah. Then, after dying, he came back to life and then ascended into heaven."
"He... Came back to life..."
"Yes."
"Isn't he basically a Mary Sue?"
"Yeah pretty much. In some earlier, 'forgotten' texts, there are stories about his childhood where he fights dragons and kills people who offend him by just saying, 'die'. I mean, I know he's the son of God, but really."
"Fights.. Dragons..."
"Yes."
"I'd like to meet this, 'Jesus'." Celestia said.
"Well, there are arguements whether he actually exists. And he ascended to heaven, and hasn't been to Earth since, not that I know of. But, I can take you to a place of worship. Mass is at Midnight."
"M-Midnight??!!"
"Yes. What, is that too late? Does her highness need her beauty sleep?"
"No, it's fine. I just haven't stayed up that late since Luna returned. Let's go."
Midnight, at a Local Church
Mass started. People sang songs and ate communion wafers and all that boring Mass stuff.
I fell asleep during the sermon (like I always do). Celestia and Twilight however, were paying rapt attention. I knew because I could sense them. Discord wasn't with us, something about how he "can't enter places like this, or I'll burst into flames".
The sermon, from what I could tell, was something about how even during the busy holiday season, even during the scramble to get gifts, we shouldn't forget our spiritual obligation to Christ.
And at the end...
"Well Kuro," Celestia said, "That was some wonderful message. About being faithful even when your mind is focused on other things. I should take a hint from this Jesus guy to get more ponies to worship me!"
"Good luck on your tyranny."
"Goodbye Kuroyami, and Merry Christmas!"
The End