Meet the Entity
I looked down at Ponyville, content about the day as my intangible body slipped through the town library.
"Content" I thought to myself, wondering what 'content' was and why I felt it. I looked down upon a purple pony and dragon, knowing they couldn't see me. A sigh left my throat, or at least what a pony would consider a throat.
The purple pony, the one that everypony named 'Twilight Sparkle' was reading a book, nothing out of the ordinary but the title made me wander off in thought. 'Science of the supernatural', written by a pony I vaguely remembered from my past.
It made me wonder again, who I was, what I was, why I was...
I could do so much, read ponies minds, go anywhere I want to go, but WHAT was I?
Was I a ghost? I couldn't remember that I ever lived, as far as I knew I had been floating around ponies in the last, well, forever? I didn't know and I couldn't answer.
Were there more creatures like me? That I couldn't see either, or was I the only one?
The thought of me being some sort of god had passed along long ago, I could in fact change things about the real world, but nothing more than giving a pony a hungry feeling when I was touching them to feel their emotions, or get them fascinated by an object when I was nearby...
But the thought that nagged me the most was why.
Why am I here?
Why couldn't I feel emotions?
I groaned, couldn't...
The one emotion I could feel, I couldn't pinpoint it, maybe it was sadness, despair, loneliness perhaps. Miserable even came to mind.
Maybe that is why I hang around Twilight that much, for as long as I could remember I followed around random ponies, enter their body, feel what they feel, what they think. Feel ALIVE, I reluctantly admitted to myself.
But this pony, it was different, when I got to know her I saw a little filly, her pure happiness because of her newly acquired cutie mark gravitating me towards Canterlot.
"I never felt something like it." I whispered to myself remembering the strong magical aura surrounding her at that time. The magical aura every unicorn had, but never as strong as this. But, deep down inside her, I sensed loneliness, the same feeling that I had felt within myself and other ponies, I couldn't pinpoint it, but she had something that made me want to be around her.
In the following years, my mind drifting off, noticing the purple unicorn had fallen asleep on her book (also not something that special), I had grown fond of her more and more, I liked to be within her magical aura, the word content slipping back into my mind as I tried to describe the feeling. I had never taken 'possession' of her body (as I cynically called it) as I did with others to sense their emotions, I could feel in her aura how happy she was to become Celestia's pupil, the true fear she felt when she thought she failed a test, the reluctance she felt when having to go to Ponyville, and the joy she felt when she had made her first friends.
Maybe that was what made me feel that 'miserable'. The constant, nagging, lonely feeling I had felt within myself and within Twilight had faded for her ever since, but not for me...
I didn't want to admit it but it felt like my connection to her had become slimmer ever since. "Hah, connection" I thought grudgingly, "she doesn't even know you exist."
------
The next morning, as I had been watching dreams all night a sudden sound attracted my attention.
"BUUUURP"
That sound, a note from Celestia, a sudden curiosity about what it was washed over me as I left the body of a small yellow filly with a red mane. She had dreamt about never earning her cutie mark, or was it a nightmare? I didn't know, and I didn't really care either, earning a cutie mark seemed quite a trivial problem in life to me. I left the barn as I speeded towards where I had felt that the burp had emerged.
"Twilight, Twilight! A letter from the princess!" the dragon ran towards Twilights bedroom, I felt Spikes excitement about what epic quest that might be coming up as he barged through the door to reveal a sleepy mare in the middle of the act of brushing her mane. I felt 'content' again, letting the emotions surrounding me change from the fearful nightmare to the eager excitement.
Her saggy eyes shot open as she levitated the scroll towards her.
I sat down in the middle of the room, knowing that she would read it aloud, feeling her emotions sway from worried, happy, terrified and anything in between.
The usual formal greeting passed me, I started paying attention when the tension in the room started to grow, knowing the next task was about to be announced.
" ... and a pony should learn from her mistakes. My faithful student, I give you the task to revisit the spells that had gone wrong in the time you have been in Ponyville..."
After the letter was finished (something about not meeting enough in person) I felt a storm leaving the room.
A storm, as in a purple blur running off to the library and as in an ever-changing train of thought, too fast for me to fully comprehend.
About half an hour later, the purple pony and dragon had made up their list and started planning on how to practice them, I didn't really care for that sort of stuff, but I liked the amount of excitement that emitted from the both as they were practicing things.
Everything from the smallest mishap, ones I didn't know (something with a bird changing into an orange and Spike being hit on the head with a hat which changed into a rock or something like that) to bigger mishaps that I had seen happen.
I never felt as 'content' as that time where everypony in Ponyville had ran around chasing some sort of doll. Happy emotions felt better as sad ones, I don't know why, but they did.
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"Okay Spike, take note: spell number 24, come to life spell attempt 6." I remembered a huge ball of snow rolling down a hill.
I saw a bright purple light going towards a toy carriage. I turned around towards the carriage to see the effect, knowing that the spell was going to pass right through me, but nothing came. "Maybe she failed again" I said to myself, turning around.
What I saw shocked me. At least I think it was shock, I'm not completely sure though. I turned around, I saw a purple aura, but it was enveloping...
No
That's not possible
ME!!
I was grounded in fear. "What was happening to me!!" I saw the shocked faces on Twilight and Spike and felt something, something weird.
I knew the sensation, but that couldn't be, could it?
It reminded me of the times where I had been inside a ponies body, I felt MY HOOVES TOUCHING SOMETHING! And, and a-a-a mane draping over my neck?
I stared in awe at the ground, what I saw appearing was a pair of hooves, from a smoke like texture slowly turning solid.
I just stood there, not knowing what to do, nor how to do it.
I stared forward as I heard a gasp "s-sir, the library is closed today" I heard a mix of utter confusion and fear in her voice, I wanted to reply but found out I didn't really know how to.
I felt a weird sensation as the world turned sideways and I fell on my side.
Did I just topple over? I asked myself. "Sir! Are you alright?" I heard Twilight say.
Thinking back of possessing ponies, I vaguely remembered how to move limbs and try to mimic it. I tried to roll to my side, a grunt escapes my throat as I failed to do more then move my limbs a little. I feel a push to my rump rolling me over on my belly, hearing the dragon growl of either the weight, or the fact that I'm not helping at all.
Wait
WAIT
I FELT a push? My mind gearing out of control, not able to comprehend what had happened.
Relax, relax, I stammered to myself.
I looked at the floor in front of me, what had happened?
I ordered things in my mind, ignoring the weird stares of the others in the room.
1. I'm solid for some reason.
2. They can see me.
3. I just felt something.
I-I can't dream, can I? I asked myself.
------
After the initial shock I looked around, noticing I was laying completely flat on the floor, drawing weird looks from the crowd of two.
Okay, I know how to move, I mean I have felt ponies do it lots of times, I thought.
Trying to mimic the known motions, I move my eyelids, open and close my mouth and lift up my head. "Hey, this is actually not that hard." I said to myself, or at least I thought I did. "What's not that hard?" I heard the dragon standing next to me blurt out, after which he decided to hide behind Twilight, his sudden brave attitude disappearing.
Ignoring the question but ashamed on the inside (being ashamed of something, a sensation I never felt personally, but recognised from other ponies, I didn't like it) I put my front hooves under my body and pushed myself into a sitting position, the motion less wobbly as I had expected.
Curiosity winning it from the shame, "What happened?" I mumbled, more to myself as to the others.
"Who are you, it's a Sunday, the library isn't open today." She said with a stern but gentle voice, trying to hide the confusion I could definitely feel and understand, she just saw me appearing out of nowhere, right?
I stared at the floor, thinking about how I could understand what she felt. Comparing it to the same confusion that I was feeling.
Her voice softened and snapped me out of it, "Something wrong?" I could feel the compassion in her voice.
"No, yes, I don't think so," I stuttered, "you can see me?" Stating the obvious, my mind not yet able to fully grasp the possibility.
"Ehm, yes, I can, why?" her voice confused again.
"I'm sorry Twilight" I responded.
"Did we meet? I don't seem to remember you, Mr?"
"I know you very well." Wanting to facehoof for looking like a stalker now (maybe I, in fact was sort of a stalker, I noted grimly) I turned to her other question.
She wanted to know my name.
My name?
Did I have a name?
"Okay..." she seemed out of her composure for a moment by my first question, asking the question again to end the silence that had fallen. "So, what's your name?"
I stared at the floor, "I don't know" I whispered.
"I'm sorry, what's that?"
"I don't know!" I exclaimed, looking around, feeling trapped, wanting to get out.
Noticing my movement wasn't as good as I had hoped, I toppled to my side again when I tried to get up and run.
Rolling on my belly, I put my hooves on the floor, deciding to get out as fast as I could, giving a great push.
Somewhere in between the leap of faith and the impact with the bookshelf I remembered that I was tangible now...
----------------
I looked around, the first couple of seconds after regaining consciousness not realising that I, in fact had eyelids that should be opened.
I felt a weird throbbing on my head, I knew it was pain, but I had never felt it this vivid. "I hate being solid." I grunted, wanting to rub the sore spot on my head. I found out I couldn't rub it, nor could I see even while I knew my eyes were opened.
Suddenly light emerged and the large bookshelf was lifted up and away by the unicorn magic.
"Thanks!" I looked at Twilight, startled by the serious look on her face. Instead of the expected flood of accusations about wreaking havoc around her library or how I knew her name, but didn't know my own. I sensed compassion, not anger.
Thinking of it, did I not know my name? Or did I not have one?
Again, something I didn't know.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine... sorry for ruining your library." "Oh, that... Never mind, that thing gets ruined at least two times a week!" I knew for a fact that that was true.
We were sitting in front of each other, not knowing what to say, Spike started to clean up the mess, as he always did and I turned to Twilight. Looking at her he could sense questions welling up inside her.
"It was my come to life spell, wasn't it?" She asked boldly. "Yeah, it was." I said, the answer was as neutral as could be, no emotions were involved so I felt 'content' with it. I started wondering what 'content' actually meant and why I felt it when I heard the next question rolling out.
"Are you some kind of ghost?" She asked, her question as neutral as my last reply, no worries in her head as I had expected. It soothed me. "I don't know..." I said, meaning every word of it, I looked at her and suddenly felt an urge to tell her everything.
A 2 minute explanation of what I knew about myself later (I wondered how it could be that I knew so little about myself), Twilight was glancing at her books, I didn't even have to use my powers that I know she was trying to find out more about me.
"Don't bother, I read every book on the matter." I stated, startled by how depressed I sounded. My mind, as usual, drifting off again to try and grasp the meaning of depression, suddenly stopped.
A mirror
Twilight said something, but I didn't listen to it, it could wait, right?
In the corner of the room I saw a small mirror, I floated it over, noticing a very dull greyish purple aura surrounding it.
The first thing I noticed when I looked in the mirror was the fact that I had no horn. Probably the fact why Twilights jaw was somewhere near the floor.
What I saw amazed me, I saw myself.
For the first time in my life (could I call it life actually?), or at least that I can remember, I looked at myself.
The creature I saw was a plain looking earth pony, dark on dark, deep dark purple coat, reminding me of the night. Apart from that a flat mane with about the same colour, just a little more towards purple as black.
I kind of reminded myself of Pinkie Pie, when she had felt so down.
My mind returning to the real world, "...without a horn shouldn't even be possible."
I missed the first half of the sentence, but could pretty much fill in the first half.
"Dusk, you can name me that." I noted, talking more to myself as to Twilight.
I liked that name, it kind of popped up in my mind and it fitted my appearance.
Apart from that I liked the dusk most, ponies tended to be together and emit happy emotions that time of the day.
It also reminds me of Twilight, I thought, happy with the name I had chosen for myself.
"Okay then, Dusk, nice to meet you." She smiled but every fiber of her body screamed "awkward".
"So, now we do what?" I said what we were both thinking.
-----------
Some unknown amount of hours later I looked up from my book, we were trying to find a way to send me 'back' even though I didn't even know if I actually wanted to.
Being here, in the same room with a pony, a pony that actually knew you were there felt, nice? It popped up in my head and it seemed fit, 'content' also crossed my mind. We hadn't really talked, but we shared some words, eventually even feeling like what a normal day for a pony should be like.
A weird gurgling noise filled the room and I felt a strange pain in my lower abdomen. I stared at Twilight in terror, as I was afraid I might explode, or worse.
Seeing my face, she started to giggle. "Wow, it seems like we have skipped lunch!" I saw the unicorn getting up and walking to a room nearby, as if on auto-pilot I followed her, hearing the noise coming from her too, somehow relaxing me because it couldn't really be bad. She didn't emit worried feelings at least.
As I entered the room, "kitchen" it was called, I suddenly remembered. I saw Twilight taking some apples from a basket.
I didn't know a lot about everyday pony life, and was pretty oblivious about certain pony habits or why they existed, but even I could put 2 and 2 together.
"Food..." I sounded as if I had just discovered the most fantastic thing in all of Equestria, and Twilight's giggle made me blush. Shame, I hated it more than pain, it ate at me, even though I had only felt it twice in my whole life.
"Here," she said gently, flying the apple towards me "it should make you feel better." I took the apple with my magic and did what I had seen ponies do so many times, but never understanding why.
This was one of those feelings I could get used to, he thought as he tasted the sweetness of the apple. "Hmm" I emitted a sound from my vocal cords I could not place, 'hmm' wasn't a word, right? It reminded me of the sound I made when I got hit by the bookshelf.
"You told me about your powers, can you still use them?" I heard Twilight ask.
I swallowed the apple I still had in my mouth. "Well, I can still read your emotions, but to see if I could read thoughts I would have to touch you. I am obviously not intangible anymore, but maybe I can use my magic for that" Twilight looked at where my horn should be, "and I haven't tried flying either. I usually just floated, I don't think I had wings."
"And with reading minds, you mean like read thoughts?" she asked. "Yeah, if I touched a pony I can read their minds, hear what they think and feel. When I get inside them I can pretty much feel everything the exact way they do."
A short pause had emerged. "B-but I never did any of those things to you!" I felt my cheeks getting warm, as the wretched feeling of shame washed over me again."
"If you can use magic to become intangible, then that could still work, right?"
"I don't know." I responded, wondering if it might actually work.
I saw her lay a hoof on the table, I looked at her in confusion. Confusion was the feeling I had experienced the most of all, so it felt a bit reassuring, if that even makes sense.
"Come on, let's try if it works!"
I put my hoof on top of hers, I felt something, strong emotions. I tried focussing on them, they almost seemed too vivid.
I sensed happiness, the feeling of 'content' came rushing in, but more pure as ever. As I felt my cheeks getting warm again I sensed that the emotions weren't Twilight's, but mine!
I freaked out inside, I felt afraid, but somehow, I liked it. I looked at Twilight, wondering if I didn't accidentally fry her or something and noticed how her eyes had such a nice colour.
"Something wrong? You look afraid." She asked, with her pretty voice. "No, but it didn't work, sadly." I stated, but more wondering and shocked about what emotions and feelings were rushing through my newly acquired from, as thinking about my missing powers.
She pulled her hoof back, the emotions disappearing, it made me want to grab her hoof again.
I was searching my mind frantically (that was when I wasn't thinking of the pony in front of me), trying to find some information about these emotions. I must have possessed a pony that was feeling like this at least once, right?
The gears in my head grinded to a halt. I found the solution, I think I did but I didn't want it to.
Love...
I had sensed it in so many ways before, from a small foal daydreaming about a classmate, to a couple about to get married.
It felt similar, but I didn't want it to.
It was one of those emotions he could never place. Fear would make you fight or flee to save your life, so did anger. Happiness made you appreciate life and made you want to go on, even shame had a function for Celestia's sake!
But love, it was one of those few things that served no use in my perspective, it made ponies act weird, for the sole purpose of what seemed to me as a combination between a friendship and a family.
It was usually the one ponies loved that they used to procreate and raise their foals with, but I never understood why that couldn't just be done with any other pony.
I didn't understand it. I didn't want it
But oh Celestia I liked it!
"Are you still hungry?" Twilight snapped me out of my thoughts for what seemed the 1000th time today, she seemed oblivious about how I felt, her emotions still the same, and I gladly took another apple, trying to push away those emotions I didn't want.