Chapter 38
A/N: Spent all day re-typing this fic. Not that I mind, it's just that... If all-dialouge counts as script, then why doesn't it say that? But maybe it's just my fault... Actually, yeah, it is.
HARD BUCKING: THE SECOND DRAFT
Written by That Gamer!
Used to be based off of Tenacious D skits
See the original HERE
"Hey, Luna."
"Celestia, sister."
"How'z it been goin'? Like, what's been going on?"
"How hath it been going with us? We hath not been doing anything, sister. Is there any particular reason why-eth thou art asking?"
"I've just been wondering..."
"Wondering? What?"
"Let me say it! I've been wondering... Are you ever-"
"NO, STOP THIS, RIGHT NOW!"
Celestia groaned. "What is it?" she asked whoever told them to stop.
"You're not supposed to be doing this!" the voice said to the two princesses. "You're not describing anything! That goes against all rules!"
"If by all rules, thou mean-eth one," Luna pointed out.
"That's... That's besides the point!" the voice shouted.
Luna and Celestia sighed in annoyance.
"Who are you?!" Celestia enquired.
"My name's not important!" the voice snapped. "That was C-RAP! I want you to do this with descriptions!"
"But that would..." Luna started.
"No! Do it with descriptions!" the voice commanded. There was a large "K-RACK!" and a room faded into view. What kind of room? A room-esqe room.
The two rulers looked around with exchanged glances, confused as all hay. What in the world has just traversed?
Luna gave an awkward look to Celestia and said, "What? Do we just keep-eth going?"
"We have nothing else better to do today," Celestia shrugged. "So... You ever gonna get laid?"
"Not at this current interval," Luna replied mutteringly.
A pause followed.
"This doesn't work if they can see everything," Celestia stated flatly.
"So much of the so-called humour hath been lost," Luna agreed. "But how do we continue this without being too meta?"
"We can't skip the 'you-getting-laid' plot, since that's why this damn thing is CALLED Hard Bucking," Celestia said. She thought for a moment before sighing. "That voice has us backed into a corner. It bucked our plots... But we can make it work."
"How so, sister?"
"We keep the descriptions," Celestia explained, "but we barely describe!"
"Just the stuff that would make-eth this go above a 'T'?" Luna suggested.
Celestia shrugged again. "Yeah, sure," she said with a laugh. "So let's get this on!"
Luna nodded and cleared. "Anyways, as thou were saying?"
"Right..." Celestia cleared her throat and continued with what she said earlier: "Not now? Lulu, you sayin' you don't wanna get laid at all?"
"We never said that," Luna muttered. "We just feel that we should wait until a later time. When it be-eth more appropriate."
"So you're basically saying never?" Celestia enquired in a bored tone, raising an eyebrow.
"...Yes, we art saying that," Luna admitted after a brief silence.
Celestia laughed. "Seriously, Woona? You don't wanna give your second pair of lips a little kielbasa sausage?"
"Kielbasa- what?" Luna was confused. "Sister, thou doth realize that what thou art saying is quite silly, art we not correct?"
"I'm just offering legit ideas here," Celestia told her sister. "Look, all you need is a few lessons."
"Lessons?" Luna asked. "Of what? Of how we shalt get bucked up the plot?"
"Basically," Celestia confirmed. "Hold on a second, I gotta get some raw meat." She turned away from Luna for a moment and called, "Major Culus, get in here, I want you!"
A stereotypical ran into the room. At least, he would have if the door was open.
"...OK, open the door, THEN come in here," Celestia corrected herself.
There was a small groan and the door swung open, the guard "comically" stuck to the other side.
"You rang, your majesty?" Major Culus asked, peeling off the door a moment after he asked that. "Ow..."
"I think it's pretty obvious that I did," Celestia replied. "Anyways, you know Luna, correct?"
"Yes, your majesty." Culus instantly jumped onto all four hooves. "Princess Luna Faust, second daughter of Lauren Faust, co-ruler of Equestria, controller of the moon, was banished to said-moon after she turned into Nightmare Moon-"
"Yeah, yeah, we get it," Celestia cut Culus off. She turned to her sister and asked, "And I'm sure you know Culus, right?"
"He be-eth the pony who hired Giant Culus without our permission," Luna said with a hint of annoyance.
Celestia smiled and looked at the two before saying (to Culus), "I have a very special assignment for you."
"An assignment?" Culus was suspicious. "Your majesty, this quite sudden. I thought I was supposed to be- UNGHYOURMAJESTY!"
"Sister!" Luna exclaimed. "What art thou doing?!"
"I think it's pretty obvious," Celestia muttered. "And can you save the dumb questions for later? I've kind of got my hooves full."
"Sister, we told-eth thou! Not right now!" Luna said exasperatedly.
"Me damn it, Luna, if you never do it, you're never gonna learn," Celestia told her sister.
"We'rt 1985 years old!" Luna reminded Celestia. "We have all the time in the
world to learn-eth this!"
"And I'm 2001 years old," Celestia said flatly. "I know better."
"I'm a fully grown mare!" Luna argued.
Celestia was about to say something else, but Culus just had to butt in: "YOUR MAJESTY, NOT TO DISRESPECT YOU OR ANYTHING, BUT AM I GETTING PAID FOR THIS?"
"Ya wanna be a hooker?"
"NO, NOT ALL, YOUR MAJESTY."
"Then shut the buck up," Celestia said. She would have down the lil' "Z"-thing, but, again, full hooves. Anyways, she turned her attention back to ol' Lulu: "Is it because you're scared?"
"We art not scared!" Luna said, looking all defensive now. "Why on earth would-eth thou suggest such an impossibly mad thing?"
"Well..." Celestia thought of what she was going to say next without sounding too stupid.
"Doth thou not have a retort?" Luna asked. She was hopefully winning.
"No, it's just... Like getting a needle," Celestia finally said.
"Wha-"
"You can see it coming and it might SEEM horrible," Celestia explained, "but if you take a deep breath and close your eyes, it's not too bad. Sure, you can feel it enter and it's not that good a feeling, but as long as you don't move, it'll be over quickly. And it feels SO BUCKING AWESOME."
Luna blinked. "I hate needles," she pointed out. "So that makes it EVEN WORSE."
"Stop being such a baby," Celestia snapped. "You're gonna enjoy it."
"WELL, I'M FEELING VERY COMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW," Culus commented.
"I wasn't talking to you," Celstia reminded Culus. "Don't you start complaining like her."
"Hay!... Eth."
"I JUST DON'T REALLY WANT YO GO THROUGH WITH THIS!" Culus stated.
"I'll triple your pay," Celestia offered.
Culus thought about it. "IF YOU PROMISE TO PAY ME FIRST?"
"Yes, yes, I'll pay you first," Celestia sighed.
"OK, I'LL GO THROUGH WITH THIS..." Culus said. "I'M VERY SORRY FOR THIS, LUNA."
"Thou does not have to feel sorry for thy's actions," Luna told Culus.
"AND WHY DO I-" Culus started, but stopped himself to looked all annoyed like at Celestia. "YOU CAN STOP NOW!"
"Yeah, your kielbasa sausage looks ready," Celestia stated. She took a couple steps back and just watched.
"Come up with a different metaphor, sister," Luna muttered.
"Thanks... Anyways, why do not have to feel sorry?" Culus continued.
"Because thou art not here," Luna said simply.
Mild confusion did come from Culus from a moment before he noticed that Luna's horn was indeed glowing. He at first thought this was the magic version of an erection, then he realized something else.
"Since when am I a MAJOR?!" Culus yelled before he suddenly disappeared.
"Hay, hay, hay, you can't DO that!" Celestia exclaimed, looking angrily at Luna. "I get him all nice and ready for you and you just disintegrate him!"
"Actually, sister, we doth teleported him some places else," Luna corrected her.
"Why'd ya do it?"
"We said it once, so we shalt say it again," Luna said. "We do not want to go through-eth with this! What about is making so hard for-et thou to understand?"
The solar princess shook her head rapidly. "Sorry, I derped, what do you say?" the princess asked slowly. "Ah, I don't care. Where'd ya send Culus?"
"For the love of... Ugh... We sent him to Naughty Naughty Luna," Luna answered quickly.
"Ahh... Your much better clone!" Celesti said, nodding and grinning.
"Don't compare-eth us to a clone!" Luna snapped. "We don't want to have any sexual activities and that is final!"
"Fine, I can't force you..." Celestia sighed.
"Thank-eth thou for agreeing with us," Luna said. "Now, moving on."
"Brrrrrrrrrrrring... Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring..."
"Ah, for da luv a-" Celestia groaned. "They can see everything, Rarity! You don't have to do that!"
"Oh, right, sorry," Rarity said, embarrassed. She quickly came in.
"That's better."
Rarity nodded and continued along in the script: "Brrrrrrrrrrrring... Brrrrrrrrrrrrring..."
Celestia quickly slapped Rarity with MAGICK.
"Further then that, you dumb-fuff!" Celestia shouted.
"Oh, right," Rarity muttered. She pulled a script out of her plot and started leafing through it, eventually finding her line. After hacking up a hairball, she read, "Hello? Is there... Anypony in... Here?"
"Rarity? What are you doing here?" Celestia also pulled out a script and started reading off it as well.
"I'm just looking for some ponies," Rarity continued. "I need to deliver some drinks."
"Drinks?" Luna asked. "When doth thou deliver drinks?"
"It is none of your business," Rarity said, tossing the script out the window. "Look, can you two just look after these until I get back?"
"Sure we can!" Celestia agreed.
Rarity shook her head (which meant "Thank you for agreeing to this when you have more important things to do!") and left.
"...What doth thou think it be-eth?" Luna enquired, looking at the two drinks Rarity had given Celestia.
"Hold on a sec..." Celestia quickly sniffed the two drinks and realzied what they were. "Lov- Diet Coke!"
"Diet Coke? What in the world be-eth Diet Coke?" Luna asked.
"I don't know, but it sounds like what Pinkie takes," Celestia answered, still looking curiously at the drink. "Why don't you try it?"
"We thought Rarity said those were for somepony else," Luna pointed out.
"Hey, there will still be some left!" Celestia reassured Luna. "C'mon! Try it!"
Luna thought about it for a moment. "Only if thou doth try it as well!"
"Yes, but, if I do, I'll have to drink the bad one because I have to naturally give you the good one!" Celestia explained quickly. "I'll get a different one. To the drive-thru!"
"Drive-thru?" Luna asked. "Those exisit-eth?"
"Well, they're more or less 'walk-thrus', I do suppose," Celestia corrected herself.
"Then why did you call it 'drive-thru'?" Luna wondered aloud.
"I dunno," Celestia said. Suddenly, the two teleported to said 'walk-thru'. "Hold on a sec while I order."
A voice came over the intercom next to them: "KKKT! Welcome to McDonalds, how may I help you?"
"Um, yes, this is Princess Celestia," Celestia informed the intercom. "I wou-"
"KKKT! We have royalty?" the voice interrupted Celestia.
"Um, yes, you do," Celestia confirmed. "Now I-"
"KKKT! Hey, Mah Ballz, Deth Starr, we got Princess Celestia here!" the voice shouted to somepony who wasn't Celestia. "KKKT! It's true! We do!"
"I'm still here!" Celestia told the voice. "Can I order something?"
"KKKT! Of course, Princess," the voice said quickly, realizing exactly who s/he was talking to. "Continue."
"OK, I want a medium Diet Coke..." Celestia began. "And, y'know, why not, I'll also take... You know that 6-piece Chicken McNugget meal?"
"KKKT! 6-piece Chicken McNigget meal," the voice (who I shalt now name "Greasy") repeated.
"Well, I want you to take two and throw them away," Celestia instructed Greasy.
"KKKT! Chicken McNiggets come in 6-piece or 12-piece," Greasy told Celestia.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I know that! Take two pieces and throw them away!" Celestia said. "Shove two of them up Luna's plot!"
"Sister, we art right here!" Luna hissed. "Could thou please refrain from such phrases?"
"KKK! Luna's there, too?" Greasy asked with a laugh. "Mah Ballz, Deth Starr, Luna's here as well! Ain't that awesome?"
"Shut up and take my order!" Celestia snapped.
There was brief muttering from the other side of the voice box before Celestia continued.
"Thank you," Celestia said. "Now, throw two Chicken McNuggets away... 'Cause I'm trying to watch my figure, y'know."
"Thou?" Luna asked, stifiling a laugh. "Thou doth want-eth to watch thy's figure?"
"Yeah, this flank of mine has been getting me in so much trouble!" Celestia exclaimed, looking at said flank. "I mean... Never mind."
"KKKT! Will there be anything else?" Greasy asked.
"Let me think about..." Celestia muttered, rubbing her chin. "Err... Buck my plot..."
"KKKT! Bucking your plot, yes," Greasy repeated.
Celestia nodded and just decided that he was kidding. "Um... I would like some fish and that's it," she finished. "Ms. Moonbeam, would you like anything?"
"Who art thou talking... Oh," Luna was about to ask, but then realized who she was talking to. "We guess we would-eth like...
"FAWST!" Celestia yelled. "Take for-bucking-ever!"
Luna sighed. "Are there any moon pies?"
"KKKT! We have Frosties and those are kind of similar," Greasy suggested.
"OK then, we shalt take that," Luna said.
"KKKT! With Smarties or Oreos?" Greasy enquired. "KKKT! Wait, it doesn't matter. The total comes to $20.04."
There was brief silence as Celestia looked around for her wallet. "Fluff, I forgot all my money," she muttered. "Lucy, ya got any on you?"
"Sister, why doth thou keep changing my name?" Luna asked.
"Why do you keep calling me 'sister'?" Celestia retorted.
"Thou wins."
"Of course. Now where's your money?"
"Um... We got a couple bits on us," Luna said, MAGICKING some bits out of nowhere.
Celestia counted it up and sighed. "Not enough... 'Ey, Greasy, cancel that last item on the list!" Celestia commanded Greasy.
"KKKT! OK, pull up to the second window," Greasy murmured.
"OK, Luna, let's move," Celesita said. "Phphphphphphphphphphphph..."
ONE TIME LASPE LATER...
"Ungh... These are some - Grmph - damn good - mzph - Nuggets," Celestia commented between grunts.
"We really fancied that Frostie..." Luna said to herself, looking kinda sad.
"Too - gmpj - bad for you - zmprgh," Celestia mumbled, stuffing another Nugget in her mouth. "Damn, I - mmph - go for a -hzmpuh - sub right now."
Luna looked at Celestia, annoyed, and said, "If we cannot have a Frostie, thou cannot have a sub."
"You are a - gtrjhgdfhge - baby!" Celestia pointed out. She added a moment later, "You can - hguhyu - stop, Nicholas Cage!"
"My name is Mah Ballz," Mah Ballz corrected Celestia, getting up. "This is what I get for not beleving Greasy..."
"Well, I don't care, so you can leave now," Celestia told Mah Balls, MAGICKING him out the door. "Y'know, Luney, I didn't think they would have actually gone through with it. And they forgot my Coke, dang it."
"So? It be-eth comeuppance," Luna said matter-of-factually.
"SO I'm gonna go get it!" Celestia exclaimed. And she ran out the door screaming, "YOU FORGOT MY COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!!!"
Taking a few seconds to process what just happened, Luna quickly looked around and poofed something in. "Finally, we can be alone... Eth..."
Celestia burst in for no reason right afterwards. "LUNA!"
"AAH! Sister, what about thy's Coke?" Luna asked, in complete shock and horror.
"I decided, screw it!" Celestia replied. "What are you doi- YOU DO BUCK YOURSELF!"
"So... So what if we do-eth?!" Luna enquired
"SOOOO, as punishment, I'm going to buck you!" Celestia told Luna.
"Punish us?! WHAT FOR?!"
"For lying! Hasn't Applejack taught you anything!?"
"She doth lie most of the time!"
"That's besides the point. Now git over here!"
"No, we won't let-eth thou!"
"Too bad! And don't you run away!"
"Gah!"
"Yeah, you forgot all about that, did you! Now take it!"
"ERMGHPH!"
"Yeah, take it! Take it good! Ha-ha! This is even better then Chapter 37! Woo! WOO! YEAH! Remember what I told you about the needles? Well then, stop squirming! Fantastic! This is fantastic I- WAKE UP!"
"AAHH! What? What is it, Twilight?"
"I'm bucking- I'M BUCKING WAKING YOU UP, NYX!"
"By doing whatever that wa-"
"YES, BY BUCKING YOU UP THE PLOT! All I'm saying is LET'S GET BUCKING PHYSICAL!... Ugh... OK... Let's take it from the top..."
A/N: Well, that was awful. But here's some good news! I thought of more sequels to fictions in the featured box (or not)! Like Breaking Pink, a sequel to Awakening Pink and a crossover with Breaking Bad. And how's about Dinkmec: Shock And Terror, the sequel to Dinky Abuse? And then there's the always classic Cry For Horsemen, the sequel to Cry For Eternity. Next there's the always classic, You Only Rip-Off MLD, a sequel to My Lil' Vinyl and crossover with You Only Live Twice! Finally, I have the greatest fanfiction ever written: The Rime Of The Ancient Equestrian Hearts! So that's it for now, I guess. Rmember, the original is on FanFiction(dot)Net!