> Right Fit
>  by Some Leech
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> It Begins...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reclining beneath a parasol on the shore-side of Sapphire Shoals, Anon smiled and sighed. Ever since Celestia had retired, his life had been a dream come true - sure, it hadn’t been bad beforehand, acting as her assistant for her day to day affairs, but now his only concerns were avoiding sunburn, figuring out what he’d make for dinner each night, and keeping an eye on the big, lovable ex-Princess. Just as he started musing what he was going to eat later, a suitcase came sailing out of nowhere and landed on his lap.

He bolted upright, shaken from his reverie by the near-miss to his family jewels, and turned. “Who the hell threw -”

“I already packed for you, Anon!” Celestia loudly declared, jogging over while waving in his direction.

In spite of being a veritable titan, pushing nine feet tall and with curves that could and on at least one instance had caused a domestic dispute, the alicorn was a maternal goddess made manifest. Clad in a golden two-piece bikini which pinched the soft meat of her ample hips and clung to her heaving, utterly gargantuan bosom, she beamed over at him. The modesty she’d had while on the throne was, like her previous position, a thing of the past - replaced by a carefree nonchalance that turned heads nearly everywhere she went.

Lifting his shades and peering up at her, past her mountainous chest and to her face, Anon frowned. “Packed for what?”

“Our trip back to Canterlot, silly!” she giggled, leaning in and offering her hand.

He sat motionless and stared at her as he attempted to figure out what in the hell she was talking about. So far as he could tell, she hadn’t mentioned an excursion back to the capital - plus it wasn’t like either of them were dressed for anything other than lounging on the beach. Lifting and setting the suitcase off himself, he turned and got to his feet.

“Lemme guess,” he began while brushing himself off, “you wanted to give Twilight a surprise visit?”

Shaking her head and clutching her hands before her chest, appearing positively giddy about something, she smiled all the broader. “Not this time! Luna said that I can finally do it!”

“Do what…?” he pressed, squinting and locking eyes with her.

“It’s been six months, so I can finally come out of retirement!” she announced, hopping in place and straining her poor bikini to the breaking point.

As he lifted a finger to ask her what six months had to do with anything, a terrifying memory came sailing back to him. Unlike himself, who was content to while away his days doing as little as possible, Celestia was actually a bit crestfallen about leaving her position. While the first month or so hadn’t been that bad for her, giving her time to explore the beach, take up snorkeling, and even try her hand at treasure hunting, the ennui of not being employed gradually took a toll on her. Luna had forbid her from getting a job initially, citing some ancient Equestrian law about Princesses having a mandatory sabbatical after abdication, but it appeared that time was at an end.

“Celestia, I - Fuck!” he yelped as he was sorcerously plucked from the warm sand and cast over her shoulder.

Merrily humming to herself, she levitated his luggage to her hand, turned, and trotted off while carrying him like a sack of potatoes. “This is going to be so much fun, Anon! There are so many things I want to try, so many things I want to do, and you’ll be right there with me the whole time!”

The whole time - the words echoed in his head and caused a cold pit to form in his stomach. Any other noble who was insane enough to forgo retirement would have likely taken a position fitting for their title, like becoming a lecturer at a prestigious university or acting as a dignitary for foreign affairs, but that was the problem - Celestia wasn’t just any other noble. Maybe it was due to the millennia of presiding over a peaceful empire, or perhaps she’d always been a bit eccentric - in either case, her passions weren’t typical of nobility. She didn’t want an illustrious career, nor did she have any interest in administrative affairs of any kind - no, she wanted to get her hands dirty with the ponies she cherished so dearly.

“Please tell me you’re going to change first,” he groaned, peering down and watching as her modest bikini bottom disappeared into the cleft of her colossal ass and transformed into a thong.

The better part of two years in her company had rendered him mostly immune to her deadly curves and stunning beauty, although the same couldn’t be said for the public at large. He’d seen wives stare daggers at their husbands after looking a bit too hard at her, and he’d watched the reverse happen on a number of occasions, so it was in everypony’s best interest that she dress as conservatively as possible while out and about. Would that prevent lustful glances and tented pants in her wake? Of course it wouldn’t, but it was sure as shit better than letting her traipse about in a two-piece!

She slowed and peeked back at him. “Should I?”

“Yes,” he emphatically replied. “Retired or not, you should look professional if you’re going to be applying at places in person…”

Setting him down, she patted his head and tousled his hair. “And that is why I keep you around, Anon! You’re just so practical!”

“Uh-huh,” he grumbled, snatching the suitcase from her hand. “Would’ve been nice if -”

“Rarity!” Celestia blurted, straightening and slamming one fist into her open palm. “She’s just the mare I need right now!”

Seeing her horn start to glow and hearing the all too familiar hum of magic fill the air, he threw a hand upward. “Wait, don’t -”

With a blinding flash and pop of displaced air, the beach and the promise of a restful day were gone. His mind raced and his anxiety spiked harder than it had when she’d had a wardrobe malfunction at a seaside bar two months ago, but there was nothing he could do. If she wanted to join the working class, there wasn’t a thing on the planet that was going to stop her - not just because she was one of the largest and most powerful beings in all of existence, but because it was going to be damn hard to turn down a one of, if not the sweetest mares in Equestria…
> Bad Luck Bellhop
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Standing by the entryway of the Manehattan Mareiotte hotel, Anon stared blankly into the lobby as a pair of guests walked passed. “May I help you with your luggage?”

His tone, much like his demeanor, was soulless and dead, but that was with good reason. Shortly after Celestia had set off on her harebrained adventure, he’d gotten a scroll from Luna that informed him that he was going to assist her sister with her endeavor - meaning he’d be working alongside her with any position she took. The silver lining was that he was being paid handsomely to look after the former Princess, although the money made little difference to him.

He snapped from his apathetic stupor as a blinding light assailed him. “Took you long…”

The words died in his throat as he gazed up at Celestia. Her uniform was the same as his, consisting of a bellmare’s jacket, slacks, and a neat little cap, but that was the problem - the uniform was exactly the same as his. Practically stuffed into an outfit that was clearly several sizes too small for her, she scrunched her snout while fruitlessly trying to tuck her shirt into her pants.

He would have said it was odd that they’d been hired as soon as Celestia had expressed an interest in the job posting, but it wasn’t all that strange. When a nigh-omnipotent demigoddess who’d protected your family for generations comes in looking for work, you’d be hard pressed to turn her away - imbecilic in fact. While the position required no special training or degree, merely consisting of moving luggage and assisting guests when needed, he kept his fingers crossed that the prodigious alicorn wouldn’t find a way of fucking it up.

“Stupid - Mmmph,” she grunted, struggling with her attire.

Shaking his head, Anon grimaced. “Was that the biggest they had?”

“Yes,” she wheezed, sucking in her gut in a last ditch effort to make herself as presentable as possible.

He wanted to bury his face in his palms, but it was inordinately tough to look away from her. Though he’d seen her in swimsuits and gowns, nighties and casual wear, this - this was something altogether different. Somehow adorable, hilarious, and just a pinch provocative, she was beguilingly bewitching. Seeing a sudden movement from just outside, knowing that walking in and finding an ex-royal fighting with her clothes would only make the bizarre scene even worse, he sidled to Celestia’s side and gently elbowed her hip.

“Eyes up,” he hissed, forcing a smile and preparing to greet what he assumed to be guests walking inside. “May I help you -”

“Welcome to the Manehattan Mareiotte hotel,” Celestia blared. “May I help you with your luggage?!?”

Windows shattered, the room shook, and Anon wouldn’t be surprised if several ponies in the vicinity shit their pants from the full, unrestrained might of Celestia’s Royal Canterlot Voice. The only reason he wasn’t immediately deafened was because, moments after first meeting her, she’d greeted him in a similar, thunderous way. He was actually lucky that his ears had been magically healed and reinforced after that fateful incident - unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for most creatures.

“Sorry!” he yelled, doubting the couple, both of which were clutching the sides of their heads while gnashing their teeth, could hear him if he spoke softly. “She’s new!”

The good news was that the pair, a unicorn stallion and a pegasus mare, weren’t bleeding from their eyes, ears, or noses - the bad news was that they quickly noticed whom had addressed them. Falling to their knees, either ignoring or forgetting about their sudden hearing impairment, they bowed before the giantess. So much for not making a scene…

“N…no need for that!” Celestia sputtered, kneeling and offering a hand. “I’m just -”

“What?!” the pegasus yelled.

Her boyfriend or husband - honestly, he could have been either, looked just as confused as she did. Perfect - now there were two ponies with blown-out eardrums and a poorly-dressed alicorn in the glass-strewn lobby. Anon wandered over and helped the couple up while brushing them off.

Joining him, Celestia sent power surging into her horn. “Should I -”

“No!” Anon firmly interrupted. “You go help them to the front desk while I get their things ~ ok?”

He didn’t like to cut her off, but he’d known what she was going to say before she said it. The last time she’d tried helping somepony with a medical emergency she somehow reversed the flow of time and broke the rules of the natural order, changing a geriatric stallion suffering from hiccups into a toddler, so there was no way in hell he was going to find out what would happen if attempted to treat hearing loss. She really was a sweetheart and wouldn’t hurt a fly - that said, her unfathomable strength and limitless arcane power could be apocalyptic.

“See,” he continued, nodding over as a nurse stumbled from the employees only area. “She’ll get them patched right up.”

Celestia nodded, offered her hand to the stricken pair of guests, and hauled them to their feet. The place was a mess and it would only be a matter of time until the Royal Guard showed up asking questions, but that wasn’t too much of a concern. As soon as everypony realized what had caused the pandemonium, all would be forgiven - at least he hoped it would.

Trotting past him and exhaling a plume of smoke, another bellmare moved past him. “I ain’t cleaning this shit up.”

“It’s…it’s all good,” he muttered. “We’ll take care of it once they’re checked in.”

The mare’s name was Belle Hop, because Equestrian irony was a force to be reckoned with, and he couldn’t blame her for her indifference - shit, he’d be the same way if fate had resigned him to a life of service work. Turning and scampering over to the pair of wheeled suitcases the would-be guests had been toting, he grabbed the luggage and threw it onto a nearby cart. Regardless of whether or not he and Celestia were politely excused from their position, he couldn’t just stand there with his thumb in his ass.

As he steered the pushcart over to the front desk and joined his oversized coworker, the corners of his lips turned up. Though it couldn’t have been more than a minute since the blast, the hotel’s nurse, a lithe unicorn, had already remedied the couples’ hearing. There were a number of fantastic things about Equestria, but damned if magical medicine wasn’t one of the most convenient and awe-inspiring of them.

“I’ll walk them up to their room,” Celestia noted, reaching for the cart.

Pulling the little wagon out of her reach, Anon knit his brow. “No, I’ll take them up to their room. You stay here and -”

“If it’s all the same to you, we’d like her to see us upstairs,” the stallion exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s not every day that we get to meet a Princess!”

“Former Princess,” Celestia softly corrected him.

The couple laughed, Celestia giggled, and even the nurse and the desk clerk chuckled a bit while Anon simply shook his head. Seriously, there were many astounding things about ponies, but one of the best was just how friendly and chipper they could be under even the most disastrous circumstances. Seizing the opportunity not to wind up sweeping up glass, he leaned across the counter and tried to grab the pair’s key - tried in that it was snatched away as soon as he touched the damn thing.

“Ah ah,” Celestia tutted, winking down as the key into her grasp.

With his shoulders wilting, Anon threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine, but I’m coming with you.”

He pushed the luggage cart along while Celestia chatted with the pair of paramours, glibly answering their questions and shrugging off their praise with practiced ease. Even if they weren’t going to get fired for the fracas, he felt confident that they were going to get a stern talking to before the day was through. Reaching the lift and swinging the gate open, he smirked.

Ponies might have a hard time deterring Celestia from doing what she wanted, but dealing with cold, unsympathetic steel was another matter entirely. While the main elevator was decently sized, large enough to accommodate at least six comfortably, it wasn’t designed to hold a mare of the alicorn’s immense stature - that and she probably weighed as much as three adults combined. He stepped in after the couple, grabbed the control lever, and turned his attention over to the giantess standing just outside.

“You coming?” he asked, doing his damnedest not to smile.

Though it was a bit mean to tease her in such a way, fully aware that she couldn’t fit in the cramped confines for any number of reasons, he couldn’t help himself. He may have felt bad if she wasn’t able to join him shortly, simply teleporting herself up to the sixth floor where the guests were staying, but that wasn’t the case. Just as he went to rest his hand on the gate, Celestia stooped down and shuffled forward.

“I believe I will be joining you,” she mused, scraping her horn against the elevator’s ceiling. “Move over, Anon, I want to work the controls.”

“I…” he faltered as a cold bead of sweat rolled down his temple.

His instincts told him to leave, to let her make an ass of herself by herself, but it was too late for that. Crammed to one side of the lift by Celestia’s ass, he watched in horror as she closed the gate and placed a hand on the lift’s controls. All things considered, things could be worse. Pinned by a huge, warm tush, he snickered and -

Riiiiip

The blood drained from his face as his eyes shot to Cele’s rump. He’d wondered if her uniform would be able to make it through the day, although he hadn’t anticipated her pants splitting after less than an hour on her shift. It was only by the grace of some higher power that her derriere wasn’t fully exposed - nevertheless, the sight of her vibrant, pink panties contrasted against her snow-white hide, paired with the subtle scent of vanilla and honeysuckle, was nothing short of mesmerizing.

Glancing over to the pegasus mare and seeing her glowering in disapproval at her coltfriend or husband, who was already beginning to openly salivate while ogling the monolithic alicorn ass just beside him, Anon made an executive decision. It wasn’t like he wanted to make his situation worse, but the circumstances dictated dramatic action. Wriggling behind Celestia and using his body to shield her profound posterior, he cleared his throat.

“Whenever you’re ready, Cele,” he croaked, his rib cage compressed by her tremendous caboose.

Shifting slightly and inadvertently crushing Anon further, Celestia threw the lever. “Going up!”

The breaks on the lift released, the enclosure shuddered, and an engine somewhere high above angrily groaned under the weight of two ponies, a lone human, and the behemoth alicorn. Though Equestria’s technology was roughly comparable to that of Earth’s in the 1940s, antiquated by Anon’s standards, the old-timey mechanisms of the world worked well enough. Sure enough, after a tense moment of near-stillness, the elevator began to rise.

“So - uh -” Anon warily hummed as he looked over to the couple, “are you two here on vacation?”

“We’re visiting his parents,” the mare groused, leering at her smitten husband.

Anon nervously smiled. “W…well I hope that y…you enjoy your stay.”

“Oh!” Celestia chirped, awkwardly glancing back at the pair. “They - I mean, we have a continental breakfast that’s absolutely to die for! Tomorrow morning, if you’re not in a hurry, you should come down to the lobby to indulge yourselves! There will be scones, muffins, oats, and even little tea cakes!”

Gazing at the ex-Princess’ ass, heedless of the peril he was in, the stallion licked his chops. “Cake s…sounds pretty nice…”

The comment was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Grabbing her lover’s collar and pulling him away, the mare snarled. If looks could kill, the poor bastard would have been dead several times over, although he likely had little say in his spellbound plight. Anon couldn’t explain it - hell, he could barely wrap his head around it, but there was something about Celestia that activated almonds wherever she went.

He’d only started paying close attention to the phenomenon shortly after her retirement, presuming most ponies acted the way they did because of her title alone, and he’d come to a startling conclusion. Be it from adoration, attraction, allegiance, Equestrians were affected by Celestia in a very peculiar way - specifically an amorous way. Everypony respected her and gave her space, that was a given, although he’d caught more stallions and mares than he could count undressing her with their eyes.

“Are you two going to…” he trailed off, craning his neck as an angry creaking crept to his ears.

The mare stiffened and looked upward, assuring him that he wasn’t hearing things. “Um - what was that?”

“I’m not - shit,” Anon cursed, noticing the elevator grind to a halt and slowly reverse course.

Fiddling with the lever, Celestia snorted. “Well that’s not good…”

What began as the lift’s creeping descent turned into a downward crawl, then an outright plummet. One of two things was happening: either the Lord of Chaos was having a laugh at their expense or they were suffering from a cataclysmic run of bad luck. As the couple flew into an outright panic, apparently forgetting that they could fly and wield magic respectively, Anon swallowed hard and patted Celestia’s haunch.

“Hmm?” she hummed, tranquilly peering back at him.

Anon glanced back and forth between her face and the position indicator positioned above the gate while his stomach did somersaults. “Maybe you should do something?!”

Trying the lever again, flipping it back and forth, Celestia pursed her lips. “Should I summon maintenance?”

His jaw went slack and he blinked. She was dense, but she wasn’t that dense ~ was she? For fuck’s sake, they were about to wind up as a mangled heap of hamburger and metal in the basement of a premier hotel! With only two floors to pass before they sailed past the lobby, his survival instincts kicked in.

“Stop the lift!” he yelled, his voice cracking and barely audible over the wails of his fellow passengers.

“But I’m not a mechanic,” Celestia pouted.

With mere moments left before impact, Anon clamped his eyes shut and clung to her ass. If nothing else, her plush backside might - might serve as a shock absorber and spare him from an untimely demise. He didn’t have many regrets, actually being thankful that he’d woken up in a world of magical, talking horse folks, but he swore an oath to haunt Luna and Twilight for letting Celestia follow her impulses of being a Jane Everymare.

Angry grinding cut through the terrifying din, the elevator lurched, and what would surely be a fatal plunge came to a dead stop. Anon didn’t move, hugging Celestia’s posterior for dear life and only eventually remembering to breathe. Some sort of a fail-safe had activated and saved them, halting the falling elevator in its tracks just shy of smashing itself to pieces. While he and everypony present had been spared physically, the psychological damage to the guests had been done.

The poor stallion stood mute, shell-shocked with his eyes glazed over, while his wife continued screaming in abject horror. Breathing hard and hoping he wasn’t going to suffer from a massive coronary, Anon withdrew from the alicorn’s backside and took stock of the situation. Nopony was dead, which was definitely a plus, although they appeared to be lodged between the basement and first floor.

“I believe it’s broken,” Celestia huffed, finally taking her hand off the controls. “One moment…”

Pulling the gate open, she extended a hand, grabbed the floor just beyond the threshold and flexed her arm. Knowledge of her arcane might was common - after all, she’d controlled celestial bodies with her magic for eons, yet it was rare for one to witness her staggering physical power. With no apparent effort whatsoever, not even giving the smallest grunt of exertion, she pushed the elevator upward.

“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience,” she sighed, nodding and motioning out to the lobby.

The pair didn’t hesitate, bolting out like their very lives depended on it - not like Anon could blame them. Seeing a number of staff members moving in their direction, drawn from their efforts to clean up the detritus and shards strewn about the place, he pinched the bridge of his nose. They were definitely going to get canned for this shit, although that wasn’t his main worry. If there was one thing he’d learned about Celestia, it was that she wasn’t one to give up her pursuits easily…
> Dusted
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“This sucks,” Anon lamented as he stripped the bed and balled up the sheets at arm’s length.

Tapping her foot against the vacuum’s power switch, Celestia turned to him. “Pardon?”

“I said this sucks,” he belligerently repeated. Throwing the linens into a wheeled cart, he stepped over and pulled the cover from one pillow. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that the Mareiotte didn’t fire our dumb asses on the spot, but it’s not like this is an upgrade.”

“I think it’s fun!” she gaily chirped. Pulling a feather duster from her apron, she skipped over and began brushing off a nearby dresser. “The new uniform fits perfectly, we get to meet plenty of new ponies, and the manager said he wasn’t mad about the elevator!”

Anon snorted while he continued stripping the bed. “Whatever you say…”

While it was true that they hadn’t been canned after blowing out multiple windows and destroying an elevator, their penance was to be given an inglorious position in housekeeping. The powers that be, either out of pity, spite, or some combination of the two, had assured Celestia that she hadn’t been at fault for her mistakes, that they should have been more specific with her duties, and they’d been quite insistent that she couldn’t screw up cleaning rooms after guests had checked out - a claim that Anon found dubious. Resigning himself to his fate, Anon grabbed a freshly laundered bedsheet from his wheeled cart.

The job wasn’t great and he shuddered at how much worse it would be if he had access to a black light. Everypony knew what sort of thing happened in hotel rooms, even upscale ones like those in the Mareiotte, and he’d be making very, very sure to wash his hands thoroughly before even thinking about eating. As he stretched and straightened the linen over the mattress, an amused giggle gave him a moment for pause.

“Not a word,” he seethed without looking back at her.

“Come now, I think it’s quite fetching on you,” she teased.

There were several things he wasn’t happy about with their newfound position, with the chief being his assigned outfit. Management had claimed that the attire was mandatory for everypony, regardless of their gender, but he wasn’t buying it for a second. While Celestia may not have minded traipsing about in what was essentially a french maid outfit, he wasn’t pleased with being forced to wear the damn thing.

Leaning to one side and looking him over, she smirked. “It’s quite a bold and, might I say, progressive look for you.”

He leered up and back at her, realizing how foolish he must have looked adorned in a frilly dress and apron. “Are you going to help or what?”

“Of course,” she hummed, sauntering to the opposite side of the bed.

As he watched her work, his expression softened and ire withered. There weren’t many benefits to being a housekeeper, but be damned if getting to watch Celestia strut around in her new uniform wasn’t one of them. Eyeing her chest while she bent over and pulled the bedsheet taut, he was reminded of just how lucky he was.

She’d been right about her attire actually fitting her, unlike the suit she’d somehow managed to squeeze into for the bellhop gig, although it wasn’t perfectly sized. Her sheer size made the dress more of a skirt, its hem coming up to just above her knee, and her bosoms tested the limits of what her top could endure. He would have been mortified if anypony had seen them like this, embarrassed for the both of them - thankfully, barring running into guests in the hallways, that wasn’t really an issue. 

Brushing her hands off, she pulled a duster from her apron. “There we are! Let me just finish up.”

“Take your time,” he flatly remarked, seeing no need to rush things.

Seating himself on the foot of the bed, he shot her glances while pretending to retie his shoelaces. Was it shameful for him to imagine her doing this for him? Admittedly, yes. Was that going to stop him from appreciating the fleeting glimpses up her dress or the way her rack bounced while she skipped through the room? Hell no. Any stallion worth his salt would kill to have a Princess, resigned or otherwise, as a maid, so daydreaming about the little fantasy was all but unavoidable for him.

In a weird way, he was conflicted. Had Celestia been anypony else, somepony he wasn’t friends with, he would have been completely turned on by having a big, curvy mare blithely cleaning up around him, yet that wasn’t the case. He’d steadily grown close to her, taking comfort in somepony he could confide in, and it felt increasingly off to look at her in an amorous light. Willing himself not to ogle her tush when she bent over and inadvertently offered a picturesque view of her tush, he got up and turned to the cart.

“Just gotta - oh dear,” she gasped as she opened one drawer of the dresser. “Looks like somepony forgot something.”

He winced when she lifted an opened box of prophylactics. “Just chuck it in the trash, he groaned. The small, unsavory discovery was disquieting, but it wasn’t the worst thing they could have stumbled upon. “All done?”

Crumpling and tossing the box in the bin, she stood. “All done. Where to now?”

Snatching a clipboard from the cart, he scanned the list of suites they had to hit. “Room - uh - fourteen-o-eight.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she chortled. Pulling her vacuum behind her, she crossed to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Ready?”

Giving her the go-ahead, he closed his eyes and held his breath. With one elevator out of commission, and neither being willing or able to lug a cart of supplies up multiple flights of stairs, teleportation was the only reasonable way they were going to be able to traverse the various levels of the hotel. He waited for the familiar pop of displaced air and vertigo to pass before he peeked out and found them standing in a hallway on the fourteenth floor.

“O-eight,” he said to himself, pressing onward while knowing she’d be right behind him.

A small silver lining to the job was in how straightforward it was. All they had to do was announce themselves, change out the linens, replenish toiletries, and tidy up - that was it. Slowing at the room in question, he lifted a hand to knock before Celestia grabbed him by the wrist.

“Can I do it this time?” she enthusiastically asked.

He lowered his hand and squinted up at her as she released him. “Mind the voice…”

Blushing slightly, she nodded and rapped on the door. “Housekeeping!” she joyously shouted. “I’ve always wanted to say that!”

Despite his misgivings, he smirked. Her happy-go-lucky attitude was infectious and like the sun itself, never failing to brighten his mood. He listened for a moment, ensuring that they weren’t about to walk in on anypony, and fished a master key from his apron pocket. Fuck if he was gonna get an eyeful of two ponies going a it or be accosted by somepony with a hangover, so he waited a handful of seconds, unlocked the door, and cautiously peeked inside.

“Housekeeping,” he shouted again, giving anypony within a final chance to reply.

Though the room was dark and seemingly empty, silent as a tomb, he instantly recoiled and backed into the corridor. Either somepony had died in there, or somepony had suffered through one hell of an intestinal exorcism. He fanned his face and coughed, knowing what he had to do but finding the task no less onerous.

“What’s - Euch!” Celestia retched. “Heavens - I hope the toilet isn’t broken.”

“Only one way to find out,” he grunted. Balling a fist and placing it in his palm, he turned to her. “Rock, paper, scissors - shoot!”

The game of chance was crude, but it was the only fair way that they could split less than savory endeavors they may have to deal with. Though luck was with him, seeing him win the small contest, he was still going to have to deal with the smell. As he dipped into the hallway and filled his lungs with relatively fresh air, his hand shot to the cart and fumbled for a can of deodorizer.

Marching inside and past the bathroom, he fumigated as he went. “Let’s make this quick…”

“Agreed,” Celestia mumbled, gathering up two hefty bottles of cleaner and a scouring brush before pressing into the lavatory.

At any other time, he would have made light of an alicorn having to scrub a toilet or bathtub, but he wasn’t without a bit of mercy. Nopony would enjoy doing what she had to do, and ribbing her about it wouldn’t help matters in the slightest - with that in mind, he put his efforts into something more constructive. He darted to the bed, tore off the blanket, covers, and pillow cases, then darted back to his cart.

The air freshener didn’t do much, only managing to blunt the worst of the redolence, but it was better than nothing. Whoever had been using the room must have been sick or had a predilection for exotic food, because he’d essentially turned the entire suite into a bio-hazard. He faltered and glanced over at the restroom.

“For fuck’s sake, turn on the fan!” he yelled.

“How could I - Hurk,” Celestia gagged. “Oh jeez, I can taste it.”

Anon shuddered and scowled. God help her if she’d suffered an accidental splash and gotten some toilet water in her mouth. Suppressing the urge to check on her, he fixated on setting a new world record for resetting the room. As he rushed past the bathroom, threw the sheets into the hall, and grabbed a stack of fresh linens, a strange tickle formed in the back of his throat.

It was only when his lungs started to burn and eyes began to water that he understood there was something more than the aftermath of a spicy curry or bad tacos at play. “What the - Hack - hell is happening in there?”

Listening to Celestia cough up a lung, he halted his efforts to finish making the bed to check up on her. The second he peeped in on her, his anxiety went through the roof. Kneeling in front of the toilet, having made a makeshift mask from her apron, Celestia emptied the two bottles of cleaner into the commode.

A distant memory came flooding back, one that led him to charge in, seized Celestia’s arm, and dragged her out of the room. He wasn’t, nor had he ever been a chemist, but even he knew that mixing chemicals was a terrible idea. Fighting against him, she frowned and yanked her arm free.

“I’m almost - Cough - done!” she protested.

“Y…you’re - Wheeze - making chlorine gas or something! We gotta - Cough - get out of here!” he insisted.

Going rigid, she looked back at the toilet. “That’s…that’s bad ~ isn’t it…?”

“Yes!” he squawked. “That’s really fucking bad!”

“I - darn it,” she cursed. “Stand back…”

He shied away when he spotted arks of energy crackling around her horn. “Celestia, don’t do -”

Dazzled by a nova of brilliant white light, he threw himself back and covered his face. Fucking wonderful - she’d just done something that may or may not have seared his retinas into oblivion, but something told him his blindness was just a byproduct of some greater scheme. He blinked away the stars from his vision, took a small step, and was immediately halted by an arm thrown across his chest.

“I may have overdone it…” she sulked.

“Overdone - are you shitting me?!?” he brayed.

‘Overdone it’ may have been the understatement of the century. While she had dealt with the toxic fumes, she’d also erased half the suite and a portion of the ceiling, floor, and adjoining rooms in the process. There were no burn marks or signs that anypony had been injured, although a spherical hollow had been neatly carved out where the lavatory had once sat. Looking downward and into the suite beneath him, he became aware that he’d narrowly avoided what could have been a bad fall.

Keeping him pinned, Celestia sheepishly grinned. “I…I can fix it.”

“How?!” he demanded. “You just vaporized part of the building!”

“I didn’t vaporize it,” she harrumphed. “I teleported it into the upper atmosphere to let it air out.”

He balked. “You could have just - I don’t know - maybe opened a window and flushed the toilet…”

Like an overprotective mother, she kept her arm across his chest and held his gaze. “It worked ~ didn’t it?”

Though her unorthodox solution had technically worked, it would unquestioningly result in their termination and, worse still, may have compromised the structural integrity of the building. As if on cue, a dull groan echoed from above that set his heart racing. He only reluctantly nodded up at her, none too pleased about what she’d done but trusting that she could make it right.

“Observe,” she breathed, closing her eyes in concentration. “All I have to do is reverse the spell and -”

An identical flash to the first burned his eyes and momentarily robbed him of his vision. Her claim was theoretically possible, like removing and subsequently returning a piece of a puzzle, although he’d have to see it to believe it. As the world came back into focus, any optimism that she could fix her little blunder crumbled to ash.

She had renewed the area she’d surgically excised, but the orientation was wrong - really wrong. The floor was the ceiling, everything was misaligned, and he felt like he was standing in a carnival funhouse. He slapped a palm to his face and moaned, realizing how completely screwed they were.

“It’s not that bad,” she sighed. “All I need to do is turn it a little and -”

“I think you’ve done enough,” he defeatedly murmured. “Let’s just go tell the boss, punch out, and leave with a little dignity.”

Her shoulders slumped as hung her arms at her sides. “You…you really think so?”

Reaching up, he caressed her upper arm. “Hey, it’s not that bad. It might sound funny to you, but most people go through this. You’re not going to stick the landing on the first job or two you get.”

“Really?” she pressed with a trace of cautious optimism in her voice.

“Really,” he urged. “Tell you what, if I’m wrong and you don’t find something you like in the next few months, I’ll buy you the biggest sundae you can eat.”

She sidled over to him and slipped her arm over his shoulders. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

Clamping his eyes shut, he did as she asked before she teleported them back downstairs. It sucked that her housekeeping tenure was going to end before a single shift was completed, but such things happened from time to time. Not everypony was cut out for every job, and he was sure there was a career out there that was custom tailored for her - one that didn’t involve sitting on a throne all day. As she sorcerously whisked them from the topsy-turvy suite, he made a mental note to tell her about some of the shitty work experiences he’d had in the past.
> Erectile Dysfunction
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wew,” Celestia puffed, setting down and leaning against a bent girder. “How’s this, boss?”

Anon momentarily stopped leveling the patch of concrete he’d been working on and peeked over at her. Dressed in a safety vest, jeans, and a tank top, with a hardhat resting on her head, Celestia proudly smiled while the forman inspected her work. To his abject shock and pleasant surprise, things had been going much, much better than he’d dared to hope. Smiling to himself, he sat down his tool and walked over as the supervisor gave an approving nod and moved on.

“Gotta hand it to ya, Cele,” he chuckled, “you’re pretty damn good at this.”

“I never knew manual labor would be so refreshing!” she merrily tittered. “The open air, being around so many hard-working stallions, and the instant gratification of seeing his project come together - honestly, if I’d known it would be this much fun, I would have done this ages ago!”

Sagely nodding, Anon smirked. “That and they actually - ya know, have clothes that fit you.”

A faint blush crept into her alabaster cheeks as she averted her gaze. “It’s not the most marish attire I’ve ever worn, but it is quite comfortable.”

She turned, bent over, and lifted a steel beam that should have taken a dozen ponies or a piece of heavy equipment to move. As crazy as it may have sounded, this was working out far better than he’d expected. Not only had she avoided causing any overt scenes or injuries, but she was actually damn good at her job. The foreman, a cantankerous old stallion who’d probably been working construction for most of his life, had been quick to use her muscle, magic, and ability to fly to incredible effect.

Stepping back and giving her some room, Anon watched as she brought the giant metal girder over her head, set her jaw, and tensed. The steel whined as it was folded like a piece of cardboard, standing no chance against her, while he marveled at her in open awe. She wasn’t overtly beefy, appearing large and a bit plump, yet her softness covered muscle that would put even the world’s most devout powerlifters to shame.

Her biceps swelled, veins pulsed along her arms, and sweat beaded her brow as she reshaped the bar. A hush fell over the yard while workers paused to spectate in admiration, fascination, lust, or some combination of the three. Such displays had become all too common since she and Anon had joined the crew, but nopony, not even the foreman, seemed to mind.

Judging from the reactions of his coworkers, he wasn’t the only guy around who appreciated a strong mare. The way Celestia was dressed was, for all intents and purposes, remarkably conservative and left everything to the imagination - well, almost everything. Her jeans snugly hugged the dump truck of her rump, while her vest hung open over the taut fabric covering her expansive, sweat-streaked bust. There were times when he’d catch employees eyeing her from afar, savoring the unique sight of an alicorn toiling alongside them, and it was difficult for him not to join them.

“I don’t know how you do it, Princess,” a gruff voice laughed.

Anon scowled and turned, recognizing the voice. Everypony had been polite with Celestia even before she’d proven how capable she was - everypony but one. An absolute hulk of an earth pony, Anvil had been the only stallion brazen enough to try and flirt with her. Dealing with some cocky stud would have been bad, but that wasn’t the worst part - the worst part was that Celestia humored him.

With a swagger in his step, Anvil trotted past Anon and straight over to her. “I thought the boss hired you as a piece of eye candy, but you really got a talent for this.”

Celestia dismissively waved a wing and giggled like a schoolfilly. “Oh stop. I bet you say that to all the mares!”

“What mares?” Anvil laughed, throwing his arms wide. “You’re the only dame on site, but that ain’t a bad thing - say, you got any plans later?”

Gnashing his teeth, Anon marched around him and to Celestia’s side. “As a matter of fact, we do. I was gonna take her to the Hayburger for dinner and a milkshake.”

“The Hayburger - Hah!” Anvil guffawed, doubling over and slapping his knee. “And here I was gonna invite you out to a real restaurant - ya know, somewhere that doesn’t serve greasy slop.”

His attempt to woo her with a fancy meal backfired in the most spectacular way. Her smile wavered and shoulders went limp as she hung her head. It wasn’t a well known fact, but she actually enjoyed unhealthy fast food - barring the occasional, opulent pastry, of course.

Anon couldn’t help but smirk when Anvil realized he’d accidentally made a slight. Though he and Celestia weren’t an item, he wouldn’t deny being protective of her. She’d given him a home, welcoming him to Equestria with open arms, and he owed her everything he had - which meant it was his duty to keep prideful assholes from taking advantage of her.

Glaring at Anon, Anvil straightened up and shrugged. “Guess I’ll keep that in mind. One of these days, you gotta let me treat you to lunch or something, Princess.”

“Former Princess,” Celestia murmured, doubtlessly wounded that her favored side dish, sweet potato fries, had just been labeled greasy slop, “but I appreciate the thought…”

“Don’t sweat it,” Anvil remarked, fanning his shirt. “Speaking of sweat, it’s a scorcher today ~ ain’t it?”

Her ears perked up and she lifted her gaze, giving him just the opening he’d wanted. The moment she looked at him, he grinned and pulled his shirt up and over his head. Celestia was a great many things, timeless and prone to flights of fancy, but she was still a mare. While Anon had been mildly annoyed by the stallion’s pitiful pass at her, the shameless display made him seethe.

Though he was loath to admit it, Anvil had him beat in the looks department - hell, if he had a six pack, rippling pecs, and broad, powerful shoulders, he’d be showing himself off too. Clenching and unclenching his fist, trying to think of something - anything to say to divert Celestia’s attention away from the hunky stud flaunting his chiseled body, he was hit with inspiration. There was no guarantee it’d work, but there was one thing that may take her mind off the brain-dead beefcake’s efforts to woo her.

“Wanna wanna go try your hand at welding?” he asked.

Celestia wheeled and peered down at him wide-eyed. “Really?!”

Anon nodded and kept his fingers crossed that he hadn’t just made a terrible mistake. There were a number of duties that needed tending to on the worksite, though he’d intentionally steered her to ones that were unlikely to cause damage. Once she eased the beam down to the ground, he took her by the hand and guided her past Anvil.

“See you later, Anvil,” he spat, barely able to contain his contempt.

“Take care, Anvil,” Celestia hummed, turning her head and lifting a hand as she passed him. “Don’t forget to skip leg day at the gym.”

Things could have ended there, leaving the wannabe lothario in the dust, but she wasn’t done with him yet. Swinging her arm back, she smacked Anvil squarely on the ass. Anon had never seen her intentionally hurt anypony, and he’d only witnessed her legitimately angry on a scant number of occasions, although that excluded the unintentional moments when she caused injury.

Anvil wasn’t set off balance by the clap on his tush, nor did he yelp and clutch his stinging backside - no, he went sailing like a bullet over the earth and tumbled into a patch of wet concrete. What would normally be a friendly, albeit questionable and inappropriate display of affection from the giantess was calamitous. The chances of Anvil being seriously wounded were pretty slim, but he’d sure as hell be sitting funny for a few days and thinking twice before enticing an alicorn.

With one problem taken care of, Anon did his best not to laugh at the stricken stallion’s suffering. He was a simple man, never having pined for luxuries, but fuck if little moments like this didn’t bring a smile to his face. As he and Celestia wandered under the framework of what would be a highrise, listening to the clang of machinery and the exertions of the workers around and above him, his mirth gradually faded.

Given that the superintendent had gleefully told Celestia that she was free to do whatever she could to help around the site, it was up to Anon to act as her chaperone. He was far from an engineer or professional laborer, but his time on Earth and the eclectic mix of jobs he’d worked over the years left him with a smattering of experience - as such, he was reasonably qualified to show her the ropes for basic tasks. It only took him a minute to reach and step into the industrial lift which led to what would be the upper stories of the skeletal structure.

“Rule one,” he grunted as she stepped in beside her, “always be careful while welding.”

Celestia’s expression hardened as she nodded. “Got it, safety first.”

Holding up a finger, he locked eyes with her. “Next, don’t - oh wait,” he grumbled when she turned and gazed up at the sun.

He had been about to tell her how important it was to use protective equipment, namely gloves and a mask, although she was one of, if not the only pony in the land who wouldn’t have to worry about that. She was the Princess of the Sun, capable of controlling a literal star, so he doubted the comparably dim light of a welder. Higher and higher they went, until they reached the very top level of the incomplete building.

“Hey,” he shouted, rolling the door open and flagging down the first unicorn he spotted, “where’s the welding detail?”

The nameless stallion, one of dozens on the crew, hitched a thumb over his shoulder. “I was about to grab some lunch, but y’all can finish up securing the joists over there.”

Celestia enthusiastically skipped past the stallion, tickled that she’d get to try something new, while Anon followed along after her. He had no doubt that she’d be able to fuse pieces of metal together, but that was what troubled him. Since unicorns and alicorns use magic to weld, relying solely on managing the output of their magical power, she’d have to be very, very cautious.

Picking up a discarded welder’s mask, he walked up beside her just as knelt down on the latticework of rebar. “Start right there,” he explained, pointing to several pieces of disconnected supports, “and start slow.”

As her horn flared to life, she stuck her tongue between her lips and stared down at two of the thick metal bars. He flipped his visor down and crossed his arms, staying far enough away to let her work but close enough to ensure she wasn’t going to fuck anything up. With startling speed and precision, she seared the pieces together and looked over at him for approval.

He gave her a thumbs-up and lifted the mask. “That’s…that’s actually really good. We’ll still have the foreman look over it once we’re done, but I’m impressed.”

Looking more confident than ever, she beamed and turned her attention back to the task at hand. “This is easy!”

“Don’t - damn it,” he hissed, blinded when she welded a part of the floor. Blinking away the spots in his vision, he stepped back and rubbed his eyes. “A little warning would be -”

“There we are!” she chirped. “How’s that?”

He stiffened when he saw what she was talking about. She hadn’t just done another piece or two of rebar, she’d done an entire section. Several square feet of metal lay perfectly fused together, glowing red and smoking slightly. Maybe he’d been wrong to be wary about her doing this - shit, maybe she should have been doing it all along. What should have taken a team several hours to finish had been finished in seconds!

Standing tall and dusting her hands, she surveyed the area. “Should I do the entire level like this?”

“Maybe we should - oh no…” he gasped as her horn began to glow more fiercely than ever. “Celestia, no -”

A beam of what he could only describe as pure destruction, white hot, pure energy, lanced through the air, the building, and anything else unfortunate enough to be in its path. His desperate plea to stop her caused her to turn, sending the laser veering wildly and carving the building nearly in half. The entire incident lasted no longer than the blink of an eye, but the damage was already done.

The structure groaned, shouts of dismay and confusion drifted up from the lower stories and the ground below, and then everything began to shift. Anon had thought he’d misstepped for a moment, although the reality of what had happened quickly hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t standing off balance - the building itself was listing to one side.

“Fuck,” he coughed, landing on his back as the skyscraper start to fall.

Pegasi sailed away as colorful darts, and numerous Pops of unicorns teleporting themselves and their earth pony kin to safety punctuated the sounds of tortured framework collapsing in on itself, while he screamed and scrambled to grab hold of anything that would prevent him from falling to his death. He kicked desperately and watched as he slid over the edge and into the open air.

Time slowed, his limbs flailed, and a preternatural tranquility settled over him. He’d heard that one’s life flashed before their eyes prior to meeting their maker, although he wasn’t that lucky. The beautiful sky above and cool air rushing past him was juxtaposed by the absolute mayhem. Yeah, he’d been right to keep her away from anything dangerous, but there was nothing he could do about that now.

Twisting and screaming, watching the ground grow closer and closer, he clamped his eyes shut. This was it, he was going to end up as a wet stain on a patch of concrete - an inglorious demise, but at least it would be over quickly. He held his breath and cursed Luna and Twilight one final time before the very sudden stop that was coming.

His sense of weightlessness came to an instantaneous end as his momentum shifted. The cold of the wind was replaced by warmth, prompting him to peek up. He wasn’t dead, that much was certain, yet the sight which greeted him was heavenly all the same. Gazing up and into Celestia’s warm, comforting smile, he lay motionless in her arms.

“I gotcha,” she whispered, flapping her wings and carrying them safely down to the earth. Like an angel from above, she landed softly and cradled him to her bosom. “You ok?”

“Uh…uh-huh…” he numbly replied, unable to look away from her face.

Standing in defiance of the devastation around them, with debris and sundered machinery making the construction site look like a war zone, she smiled. He should have been furious that she’d almost killed him and caused what had to be millions of bits worth of damage, yet all he could do was grin like an idiot. As she sat him down and dusted him off, going so far as to look him over for any injuries, he only reluctantly scanned the ruins around them.

“We g…gotta make sure everypony’s ok,” he stammered, taking an uneasy step toward what had been a towering complex.

“Fifteen earth ponies, a pegasus who was using the porta-potty, and two unicorns,” she cheerfully stated.

Anon turned and glowered up at her. “What?”

“The ponies I saved!” she clarified. “You didn’t think I just sat on a throne all day when I was a Princess ~ did you?”

He went to protest, to ask her how the hell she could be so sure, but what she’d said made a bit of sense. Somepony didn’t live for millennia and make a name for themself as the savior of a continent unless they were capable of getting their hands dirty. Starting when she strolled past and gave him a gentle pat on the head, he closed his mouth.

Peeking back at him, she winked. “Let’s go get some lunch, Anon. When we get back, we’ll see how fast I put the building back together.”

Anon wasn’t sure which was scarier - the fact that she was so flippant about what she’d just done or that she might just be able to do what she’d said. Irrespective of if she was capable of single-handedly fixing the mess she’d made, there was no way they’d be able to stay working there. Running after her and hopping over bits of detritus, he said a silent prayer that her next job wouldn’t involve anything more hazardous than a social faux pas…
> On a Roll
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Order up,” Anon shouted, placing a tray of carrot dogs, fries, and a shake on the takeout window.

Staving off the temptation to seal a fry from the order he’d just completed, he stuck his head outside and smirked. As he’d predicted, he and Celestia had been politely dismissed from the construction site before they could even make it off the lot. The good news was that the contractors had been insured, nopony had been hurt, and apparently the collapse had exposed a patch of unstable earth that could have caused problems later, but the bad news was - actually, there really wasn’t any bad news. As a mare skated by and smoothly picked up the tray beside him, a muted curse caught his ear.

Glancing to the side, out into the parking lot and past the waitresses tending to their customers, his eyes settled on an imposing figure. Though she was dressed in the same sort of uniform as her coworkers, Celestia stood out like a sore thumb - a curvaceous, buxom, clumsy sore thumb, but a sore thumb all the same. Kicking away from the counter, having at least a few minutes to spare before another order came rolling in, he spun on his heel and rolled through the kitchen and out into the cool, welcoming afternoon air.

“Doin’ alright, Cele?” he called, gliding over to her.

With a knitted brow and frown on her muzzle, she stared down at her feet. “To be honest, no…”

He came to a stop and snickered. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“Why must I wear these blasted skates?” she griped, awkwardly stepping forward before wildly pinwheeling her arms and flapping her wings to keep balance.

“It’s part of the schtick,” he answered, waving to the half-dozen other waitresses weaving around cars. “Just remember the lesson I gave you earlier ~ see?”

Pivoting slightly, he shifted his weight from side to side and rolled around her. It was a miracle that the Fleeting Feed Bag, the old-style drive-in restaurant that had hired them, had attire and skates that actually fit her, although she was having a hard time getting the hang of being on wheels - to make matters worse, despite it being their first night on the job, she’d already had several customers specifically request her service. Circling and coming to a halt in front of her, he gave a little bow.

“Easy for - w…woah,” she faltered, losing her balance and toppling forward.

He acted out of instinct, shooting forward to catch her. Though he was able to prevent her from crashing against the pavement, his valiance came at a cost. His hands flew up and went wide, aiming to catch her shoulders, but they didn’t have a chance to make contact. A muffled grunt escaped him and his knees buckled, as his head was virtually entombed in her bust.

While he was no stranger to being around her, spending most of his days in her company, the unintentionally amorous contact wrought havoc upon him. A heady mixture of perfume and her delicate, natural aroma assailed his sinuses, the sensation of her soft, massive breasts against him were like a dream, and the sound of her anxiously laughing caused his heart to flutter. He knew it was an accident, that he should back away and apologize for the unbecoming gaffe, but every masculine urge in his body implored him to stay where he was.

“S…sorry about that,” she spluttered, righting herself and brushing a lock of hair from over her eyes.

As he stared up at her, his mouth went dry. The way her mane was done up in a ponytail, her striped shirt and skirt, the little apron she wore, and her snow-white leggings elevated her beauty in a humble way. Were she not a giantess with wings and a horn, she wouldn’t look much different than the other waitresses flitting about, but her chipper attitude, gorgeous face, and how she always tried her best were charming to a fault. Offering his hand, he turned away from her.

“You gotta slide,” he instructed, pushing off with one foot. “If you try to walk, you’ll - Celestia?”

A smile split her snout, her tail flicked behind her, and a look of determination filled her eyes. “I got it. Anon, stand back.”

He hesitated, staying where he was while shifting to face her. “Cele, please don’t do anything -”

Summoning her arcane might, she surrounded her lower legs with a golden aura, locked her legs, and began rolling around without moving a muscle. “Problem solved!”

It was a little strange to see her using skates in such an unconventional way, but he had to give her points for creativity - plus it was better than her busting her ass. Seeing a car pull in and park in one of the vacant spots, he glanced over at the abandoned kitchen. As far as he was concerned, she was free to use magic to get around until the end of her shift.

Skating away, he waved back at her. “Go get that car while I get back inside.”

“I’m on it, little buddy,” she tittered, waving her fingers at him.

Anon was little compared to her, and he’d like to consider them pretty good friends, yet there was something about the way she called him little buddy that evoked some very questionable impulses. Shaking impure thoughts from his head, he shot inside, returned to his post, and watched her through the window. She was a handful at times, more often than he cared to admit, but he was thankful that she’d taken a shine to him.

Rolling to the driver side of the vehicle that just parked, she pulled out a notepad and pen from her apron and started taking their order. The car was actually a newer model of Fjord Hingst, an open-top, V8 from the looks of it, and Anon could already tell that its passengers were going to be a problem. Instead of a family or a couple having come to eat, no fewer than four young, loud stallions were animatedly chatting with the ex-Princess.

Anon’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the window’s frame. He couldn’t hear what was being said, but he’d bet his bottom bit that they were making a pass at her - not that he could blame them. If some tall, voluptuous bombshell had come rolling up to his car in high school, he would have been hard pressed not to try and flirt at least a little bit. Tamping down his frustration, telling himself that she was a big mare and she could handle herself, he turned and froze when he heard a startled yelp.

He turned, looked back outside, and sneered. Celestia rolled away from the car, her face having gone beet red while rubbing her behind, as the car full of teenagers howled and joked with one another. It would have been impossible for him to say exactly what they’d done to her, but he was fucking pissed about it.

Having to hold himself back from going out to confront the group of boorish hooligans, he waited until she’d come to the window. “What’d they do?”

Celestia handed him the slip of paper, unable or unwilling to look him in the face. “It’s nothing, Anon…”

“What did they do?” he demanded, feeling his blood start to boil.

Apparently cued in by his menacing tone, she nervously looked at him. “Anon, it’s fine. The quicker they get their order, the faster we can forget all about it.”

He was willing to put up with all sorts of bullshit, but he wasn’t going to let a random group of assholes bully her. Whipping around and going to give them a piece of his mind, he found that he couldn’t move. As he glanced back and saw Celestia holding him by the wrist, he peered up at her in confusion.

“Really, it’s nothing to worry about -” she insisted, reluctantly releasing him, “if anything, it’s a bit flattering that they’d pinch an older mare’s bum.”

The only reason he didn’t go out and take a tire iron to the car and whichever prick had been brave or stupid enough to admit to accosting her was because that would get them canned, arrested, or both - nevertheless, to say he was incensed would be an understatement. Snatching up the order, he slapped the paper onto the hanger over the grill and set to quickly and haphazardly throwing the brutes food together.

One benefit of the diner’s setup was that most of the stuff on the menu was prepped in advance. Within just a few minutes, he’d made the burgers, mixed the milk shakes, and thrown some stale fries into a takeout bag, but he wasn’t about to let Celestia go back out by herself. Carrying the tray himself, he skated into the parking lot and over to the car.

“A…Anon,” Celestia called, inelegantly coming up behind him.

Ignoring her, he slowed and lifted the receipt. “Four number five meals and three milkshakes?”

“Yeah, that’s us,” the driver replied, looking past him and over to Celestia. “She new?”

“She is,” Anon fumed through a broad, forced smile. “Why do you ask?”

Lowering his shades, the driver motioned him closer. “Hey - uh - you wouldn’t know if she’s single ~ would ya?”

Anon shook his head and glared down at him. “No clue…”

“Perfect,” the stallion chuckled. Giving his friends a knowing glance, he leaned back and motioned to Celestia. “Hey, hot stuff, you wanna go for a spin? Trust me, this baby has all the horsepower a mare like you would ever want.”

Sliding up behind Anon, Celestia pressed her midsection to his back and used his head as a shelf for her rack. “I’m n…not currently looking for companionship, but I appreciate -”

“Shit, don’t tell me you’re with this - what even is this guy anyways?” the stallion interrupted, sneering at Anon. “Babe, come on, don’t pretend this weird monkey thing has anything ain’t got in spades!”

There was only so much bullshit that anypony, be they a pony or otherwise, could put up with - for Anon, after seeing and hearing the impudent teenager’s condescending treatment of Celestia, being demeaned in such a way pushed him well past his limit. He’d get in deep shit for starting something with a customer, but nopony could blame him if he had an accident. Falling forward with a smirk on his lips, he sent the burgers, fries, and milkshakes cascading all over the driver and the leather-lined interior of the prick’s precious vehicle.

“Whoops!” he laughed, pushing himself away and mopping himself off. “Oh jeez - oh man. I guess I better get you some napkins so you can - Glk?!?”

Bolting out of his car, the stallion snatched Anon up by the collar and lifted him from the ground. “Do you have any idea - any fucking idea who you’re messing with? I’ll fucking…”

A deathly silence fell over them, nopony moved a muscle, and an ominous, downright oppressive sense of dread settled on Anon. The development would have been foreboding in and of itself, especially since he’d never once felt genuinely threatened by any creature he’d met in Equestria before, and it only got worse when he looked behind himself. Shudderingly turning and following the stallion’s wide-eyed gaze, he gulped.

Though she’d barely budged, only stepping back a hair, the Celestia he’d grown so fond of was gone - replaced by something from a nightmare. Her eyes blazed with fire, the wrath of a star collapsing in upon itself, while darkness - no, an utter absence of light radiated from her. The Princess of the Dawn, the maternal alicorn of radiance and care, had become the embodiment of perdition.

“You’ll what,” she breathed, smoke and hellfire wafting past her clenched teeth and parting lips. Waiting for a response that never came, she placed a hand on Anon’s shoulder and lowered him to the ground. “Did you ever wonder why my tenure on the throne was so peaceful?” she pressed. As the now shivering stallion fretfully shook his head, she leaned forward and brought her muzzle to his ear. “It’s because I have no real enemies left to oppose me…”

The veiled threat, coupled with the absolutely pants-shitting display of malice did the trick. Dropping Anon, the insolent stallion scrambled into the car, threw it in reverse, and floored the gas. Though its engine roared and tires squealed against the pavement, spinning wildly, the vehicle didn’t move an inch.

Anon looked on in horror, watching as Celestia effortlessly lifted the car by its front bumper with a single hand. He’d seen some crazy stuff in his day, ranging from chimeric beings of pure chaos to castles fashioned entirely from crystal, but this took the cake by a wide margin. Unsure if he should intervene, he stayed right where he was.

“Would you like me to refill your order,” Celestia snarled.

“N…no!” the driver bleated.

Lowering the front of the car, Celestia lifted one leg and placed a foot on its fender. “Have a good night and come again…”

She gave him no time to reply, kicking the vehicle with enough force to send it careening out of the parking lot, across the street, and into a nearby tree. The rambunctious, disrespectful youths took the hint, peeling rubber and driving away in the then sputtering, heavily damaged car. It was anypony’s guess if their auto insurance would cover wanton, justly deserved damage from a former Princess, but Anon hoped it didn’t.

“You ok?” she softly inquired, trotting back to him.

Anon peered up at her in astonishment. It was like a switch had been flicked; one moment, Celestia was an avatar of fury - the next, she was back to her happy-go-lucky self. Somberly nodding, he removed his sullied apron and draped it over one arm. For the second time in short order, she’d rescued him from a sticky situation - even if it had surely cost them their jobs.

“C’mon,” he urged, lacing his fingers with hers and gently guiding her back to the diner.

“We’re going to get in trouble for this ~ aren’t we?” she sulked, walking alongside him.

“Yeah,” he resignedly confessed, “but it was worth it.” He looked up at the night sky and chuckled to himself. “Cele?”

Leaning against him and only slightly compressing his spine under her weight, she freed her hand and pulled him close. “Yes?”

“Was that true - ya know, about you not having any enemies left?” he faintly asked.

She giggled and rubbed his back. “It’s true enough. S…sorry you had to see that, it’s just that -”

“No,” he softly interjected. “No, it’s fine - hell, if I’m being honest, I thought it was pretty badass.”

With her cheeks darkening, she looked away from him. “T…think nothing of it…”

He stepped in front of her, lifted a hand to her chin, and turned her to look at him. “Celestia, really, thank you for that. I’m not gonna say I’d be able to fend off all four of ‘em if they jumped in, but you saved my bacon. Tell you what, once things have settled down, I’ll comb through the help wanted section of the paper and find a few things that you might enjoy ~ that sound alright?”

“That…that would be very nice of you, Anon,” she muttered. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”

“Don’t mention it,” he chirped, shifting and continuing along through the parking lot of aghast patrons and employees. “After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the least I can do!”

As the corners of her lips turned up, he grinned and tightened his grip on her hand. She’d screwed up at the hotel, she’d royally bungled the construction gig she’d had, and she hadn’t even lasted a single night at the drive-in, but he couldn’t have been happier. There were plenty of jobs out in the world, limitless possibilities for positions to take, but there was only one Celestia, no matter how fearsome she could be, and he wouldn’t have traded her for a damn thing…
> Full Battle Rattle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adjusting his doublet, Anon inspected himself in the mirror and smirked. “Not looking too shabby, Anon.”

He wasn’t usually overly prideful or boastful, but he had to hand it to himself - convincing Celestia to join the Royal Guard was a stroke of genius. The soldiery of Equestia was the perfect place for a massive, fuck-all overpowered alicorn. He bothered that the armed forces were rarely used for anything other than a show of force and to periodically keep the peace - in fact, he counted on it. As long as the ex-Princess could stand by a gate and look presentable, nothing could go wrong.

Seeing himself out of the stallion’s dressing room, he cradled his ceremonial halberd against one shoulder and strolled through the Canterlot Castle. Winding up back in the keep was refreshing and lifted his spirits in the best way. Not only was he intimately familiar with the layout of the place, but he’d already bumped into a few staff members and servants he’d worked alongside when he was living there!

He lifted a hand to shield his eyes as he entered the courtyard and continued to the portcullis separating the city from the castle proper. There’d always been two guards flanking the entryway, giving directions to visitors and serving as a reminder to behave, and now he was going to be one of them. Coming up alongside the trooper he was going to replace for his shift, he patted the stallion on the soldier.

“Go on and take a load off,” he noted.

The guard, along with his partner, nodded and trudged away without saying a thing, leaving him by his lonesome. Stepping over, Anon straightened up, squared his shoulders, and looked out on the capital. It was going to be a wonderful day, even though he was pretty sure his feet would be sore by the end of it, and he was already looking forward to getting some food from the cafeteria.

A familiar Pop and flash to his left, at the other side of the gate, prompted him to turn. “Didn’t feel like…”

He went rigid and his thoughts instantaneously derailed, seeing the towering, armored behemoth looming only a few feet away. Holding a plate with a huge slice of cake in one hand, Celestia cheerfully hummed while blithely shoveling the confection into her frosting-streaked maw. While he wasn’t surprised in the slightest that she’d stopped at the kitchen for a morning treat, he was taken aback by her appearance.

Most of the guards chose to wear comfier gear, like breeches, a doublet or gipon, a helmet, and their polearm, although Celestia had, for some unfathomable reason, pulled out all the stops. Unlike himself, wearing the bare minimum for the position, she was absolutely bedecked in heavy war plate. She would have looked like a dreadnought, a living siege weapon that was capable of breaking a line or sewing mayhem wherever she strode, had it not been for one small issue - not a single piece of the armor fit properly.

Everywhere he looked, soft, doughy flesh spilled out from the seams on her outfit. The cuirass over her chest bulged outward, exposing a layer of chain mail on her cleavage, and came just short of fully covering her midriff - to make matters worse, the lower he looked, the more obscene the scene became. Her tasses and culet, armored plates that should have protected one’s behind and upper legs, failed to adequately cover her ass, succulent thighs, or nethers.

“Mmmm,” she loudly and almost orgasmically hummed, gyrating and swallowing her bite. “Stars above, I’ve missed this.”

Her sensual voice, slatternly appearance, and blissful expression were the sort of things young colts dreamt about, and Anon wasn’t the only one to take notice. A small group of ponies, tourists if he had to guess, stopped and instantly started taking pictures of the writhing, moaning alicorn who wouldn’t have looked out of place in an adult film or at a sexy costume party. Only tearing his eyes off her crotch when a camera flashed next to his face, he came back to his senses.

Clearing his throat, he marched over to Celestia and impeded the voyeuristic visitor’s view. “No - just no…”

Celestia quirked a brow and peeked down at him, moments from wolfing down another hefty morsel of cake. “How rude of me. Would you like some?”

“Celestia, come on,” he groaned, subtly motioning over at the group animatedly whispering and gawking at her. “Don’t you think -”

“Say aah,” she mused, bringing the forkful of confection to his face.

Anon liked to consider himself a fairly steadfast man, able to put his foot down if and when the need arose, but he was powerless against her. As he gazed into her big, glimmering eyes, his lips parted then closed around the proffered bite. While a part of him was upset, her divine beauty and her joyful expression moved him in a way that shouldn’t have been possible.

Withdrawing the fork and rising to her full height, she cocked her hip. “Would you like me to get you a slice?”

He dumbly shook his head while his higher functions came back online. “No. Celestia - um - maybe you should change.”

“Into what?” she jested. “This is the largest suit the armorer had available.”

His mind raced, and blood surged to the last place in the world he wanted it to, as his eyes wandered down from her mountainous bosoms, over the creamy flesh of her belly, and to the cotton panties clinging to the plump mound on her loin. Sweet, merciful heavens - it should have been criminal for somepony to look so damn hot in armor! Through sheer willpower alone, he wrenched his attention off her unmentionables and up to her face.

“Your royal armor,” he blurted. “Go put that on!”

Closing her eyes, she hung her head. “Anon, you know as well as I do that I can’t do that. My old raiments are for royalty only; it would be unfitting for me to traipse about as a Princess after giving up the title.”

“But it - Hey!” he barked, spinning and leveling the bladed end of his weapon at a stallion who was not-so-stealthily trying to angle his camera up at her groin. After scaring off the peeping pony, he waved at the group of visitors languidly skulking away. “See?”

“Is…is it that bad?” she pouted, turning and running a hand down her back to her all but bear ass.

He swallowed hard as she adjusted her panties. Her incredible stature and the way in which she was standing gave him a picturesque view of her backside and the tiny gap between her thighs, she was close enough that he could smell her, and her innocence only served to magnify how enthralling she was, making it almost impossible to think of anything but jamming his face into her tush. Summoning every ounce of self-control he had, he backed away.

“It’s just a bit revealing,” he clarified.

“Well it will have to suffice until…” she trailed off when she shifted to face him. An impish grin split her muzzle as her heavily-lidded eyes settled on him. “Now I see what the problem is…”

Backing away, he tensed. “P…problem?”

“Problem, yes,” she demurely repeated, sinking into a deep squat before him.

It had taken everything he had to maintain his composure simply by being beside her, so the spectacle of her parted thighs, seductive smile, and her sultry tone threatened to break his composure on the spot. Reflexively adjusting certain parts of himself, if only to prevent somepony from snapping a photo of him presenting his weapon from entering circulation, he backed away. A reasonable or more prudent man would have excused himself outright, but he wouldn’t - couldn’t abandon her.

He clamped his eyes shut and focused on the most unattractive, homely creatures his mind could conjure. His strategy to calm himself and quell his rampaging hormones only barely worked, although there was the root of the problem to deal with. Peering over at her, fully prepared to politely tell her why she couldn’t wear the standard issue armor, he flinched when she brought her snout to the side of his head.

“You’re jealous,” she hotly breathed.

“W…what?” he balked, throwing himself away from her.

Remaining where she was, heedless or uncaring that townsponies were gradually amassing around her, she snickered. “It’s obvious that you feel upstaged by manning your post alongside a fully armored mare.”

The absurdity of her assertion was only countered by the fact that she was as mobile as she was. With a smile on her muzzle, plate of cake in her hand, and plates of burnished steel sliding and digging into her soft flesh, she towered over him in all her resplendent glory. She may have been completely wrong with her assumption about his qualms, and she looked like champion of depravity in her getup, but fuck if she wasn’t easy on the eyes.

“Don’t feel too bad, Anon,” she continued, casting her head to one side and sending her mane flipping over her shoulder. “I assure you, you look quite imposing.”

The sudden self-consciousness was a mixed blessing; on one hand, it cleared his head from the improper notions assailing him - on the other, he felt bad because she’d actually made a bit of a point. Compared to her, he looked like a kid playing soldier. He snorted and shied away, hefting his halberd and preparing to defend his honor.

While he might not have been a colossus in what was effectively a steel-plated bikini, he had a few tricks up his sleeve. Spinning the polearm around and leaning forward, he twirled his weapon over himself in a display of his martial prowess. His tenure at the Canterlot castle had seen him pick up a number of different skills, not the least of which being how to properly use weaponry.

He finished his exhibition with flourish, planting the bladed end in the earth while leaning against the shaft. The growing crowd that had gathered around were impressed, clapping and taking photos of him while he gave a bow. It hadn’t been his intention to put on a performance for anypony other than his waning dignity, but he’d be lying if he said the cheers didn’t bolster his confidence.

Celestia studied him and nodded. “Somepony’s been practicing when I’m not around.”

Pulling the halberd free, he kicked its head and flipped it right side up. “Thanks. I don’t get the chance too often these days, but a few of the guards took me under their wings and showed me the ropes.”

Her eyes lit up as she threw one leg back and sank to the earth. “Interesting - I’ve done a bit of that myself…”

She summoned a little portal, thrust her hand through it, and withdrew a broadsword that was as gargantuan as it was stunning. The platinum blade, traced with gold filigree and bearing a jeweled pommel, must have been worth a fortune - on top of that, it was the first time Anon had seen the damn thing! Deftly rolling it over her knuckles, she extended her wings to either side of herself, shot up, and swung the priceless, ornate weapon to the heavens.

“Behold,” she boomed, silencing the throng and everypony within a half-mile radius, “the Guardian of Light has -”

Ping - Tink - Clang

Her proclamation went unfinished as most of her armor exploded off her body and clattered to the ground around her feet. For a moment, she glanced down at herself in quiet consternation, past the chain mail draped over her now freed bosoms and to the silvery plate scattered around her, before all hell broke loose. Everypony with a camera began jockeying for position, each scrambling to get a perfect shot of the nearly naked alicorn, while others stared and seared the image of her into their minds.

His fears that she’d forgone wearing a bra for some godforsaken reason were proven wholly warranted. Sharply contrasted against the pure white of her coat and the glinting rings of steel over her bust, two very vivid, very erect points attracted a great many eyes from those gathered around her. Why - why in the name of all that was holy had she not put on a brasserie?!? Cold metal against such sensitive bits of flesh couldn’t be comfortable ~ could it? In defiance of their lack of support, her breasts were absolute perfection - the flawless excellence a sculptor would weep over and aspire to capture in stone. 

Even Anon, who’d seen in less, was too overwhelmed by the spectacular view by the accidentally lewd demonstration. Her chest was virtually bare, the pose she’d stricken was breathtaking, and she looked like she’d jumped out of a dubious fantasy poster. It was only when the frothing, smitten mob drew nearer, inching closer to the former Princess, did he leap into action.

Jumping forward and hugging her leg, he beat his hands against her thigh. “Pineapple pizza!”

The seemingly odd phrase was a fail-safe, something only to be used in only the most dire of emergencies, and it was only the second time he’d had to use it since coming to Equestria. The two words, while harmless alone, worked to shocking effect. With her horn already glowing, she lowered her arm and met his eyes.

“Pineapple pizza!” he urged again.

In a blink, she disappeared with him holding her leg and reappeared in the warm, welcoming confines of a log cabin. “Honestly, was that really necessary?”

He shook off his disorientation and stumbled away from her. “Yeah - yeah, I’d say so?”

Folding her arms over her chest, she turned her nose up. “Well it’s your fault…”

“My…My fault?!” he shouted. “How the hell is putting on a strip show my fault?!”

“Because you were trying to one-up me,” she harrumphed, peeking over at him with a single eye. “Princess or not, I’ll not have you making a mockery of me.”

Face-palming harder than he ever had in his entire life, he was at a loss for words. How - how could she be this dense! She’d been the one who’d outshone him everywhere they went - moreover, he hadn’t thought it was ok to go out with his naughty bits spilling out of his attire! Hoping to distract himself from her buffoonery and killer body, he glanced over to a nearby window.

The lodge in which they stood was a shelter, a fallback position for when shit really hit the fan, and it was fitted with all the amenities and creature comforts fitting of nobility. There was food enough to last for several months, plenty of books to read, and a squad of elite praetorians were stationed at the remote locale just in case it needed use. Anon turned, stormed over to a sofa resting against one wall, and snatched up a folded comforter.

“Here,” he groused, tossing Celestia the blanket. “I need a drink.”

Catching the cover and draping it over her shoulders, Celestia regained a bit of her modesty and watched him meander over to the kitchen. “Drinking on the job is expressly forbidden, Anon.”

“And so is showing your - you know what, never mind,” he grumbled, pulling a bottle of brandy from a cabinet. Taking out two snifters, he poured them each a measure. “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” she quipped. “But we only just -”

“Listen, I have an idea,” he stated, offering her a glass. “Since you’re quite the showmare, there’s something I know you’ll be good at.”

She stopped herself mid-sip and eyed him. “I’m listening…”

Fully prepared to explain himself, he pursed his lips. “I’ll tell you after you get dressed.”

“Ugh -” she groaned, rolling her head back and petulantly stomping a foot, “fine!”

As she trotted deeper into the cabin, off in the direction of the master bedroom, his machinations began to coalesce. He hadn’t lied to her, he really had devised a scheme that may be foolproof, but he’d need some time to pull it off. Swirling his glass, he gazed into the brandy and chuckled. While armor may struggle to contain Celestia’s bounteous physique, there was one material that would be able to contain her supple curves, heavy chest, and titanic ass - ensorceled spandex…
> High Speed, Low Drag
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anon shifted against the cold concrete wall of a corridor beneath the Fillydelphia colosseum. The din of thousands of ponies overhead, lining the seats and cheering for the ongoing buckball semi-finals, brought a smile to his face. He would have been sitting on the sidelines himself, watching the match and rooting for the Hayseeds, the underdogs of the match, if he hadn’t been expecting an even better show.

Hearing the sound of approaching footfalls, he lifted his gaze to a doorway resting opposite of him. Just like on Earth, Equestria enjoyed half-time shows for some of their more significant sporting events; the performances could vary wildly, ranging from musical performances to choreographed dancing, and they were almost always big-budget affairs. As several ponies walked past and down the hallway, only paying him the slightest bit of mind, he patiently kept his eyes glued on the door.

While she was the last pony to walk out of the changing room, Celestia was an order of magnitude more captivating than her teammates. Clad in a skin-tight, azure body glove with golden lightning bolts emblazoned around the wrists, ankles, and chest, she was dressed no differently than the rest of the squad - that being said, her stature and curves filled out the elastic material exquisitely. She stopped in the corridor and smiled when she spotted him.

“Well?” she hummed, giving him a twirl and showing off her attire.

He could all but feel a blood vessel burst in his sinuses as spun around. Though she was completely covered, her voluptuous figure was almost painfully erotic. From her heaving bust, chubby thighs, and just enough pudge to let anypony know how incredible it would be to hug her, she was a paragon of enticement. Leveling her ass at him, she swung an arm back and adjusted the fabric seemingly painted on her tush.

She scrunched her snout and wiggled her hips, trying in vain to get the garment seated properly. “It’s a bit tight.”

“Huh?” he grunted, blinking and coming back to the present. “I mean, yeah, it’s supposed to be snug.”

Righting herself, she faced and crossed to him. “You’re not watching the game?”

He shook his head as he motioned to the exit, knowing they couldn’t dither around for too long. “Nah. Unless the Hayseeds can pull off a miracle, it’s going to be a wash.”

Sauntering past him, she flapped her wings. “Well I appreciate you being here for me. This reminds me of…”

As she yammered on about some ancient buckball match she’d attended in her youth, her words were lost on him. Ordinarily speaking, he would have walked alongside her or slightly ahead of her, if for no reason other than to make conversing easier, although this was a special occasion. Peering longingly at her backside, watching the massive globes of her tush gliding back and forth against one another, he started to salivate.

While Wonderbolt uniforms were designed for functionality, the sight of Celestia in one was profoundly provocative - a fact that he and he alone would only truly be able to savor. The audience outside would be able to see her as plain as day, and those who’d paid a premium for up-close seats would get a decent view of her, but even the closest ponies would be several dozen yards away from her. His eyes wandered up her back and from side to side, tracking her bosoms as she tied her mane in a ponytail.

He tried - holy hell, he tried to behave himself around her, showing her as much respect as he could muster and staving off his lecherous impulses more often than not, but there were some opportunities that were too good to pass up. Her uniform was, in a word, sinful and immaculately displaying all her extraordinary assets. As she folded her wings and covered her tush, his eyes shot up to her face.

“Enjoying yourself back there?” she mused.

Instantly averting his gaze, he felt a pang of guilt for being caught with his metaphorical hand in the cookie jar. It was a well known fact that you shouldn’t stare at the sun, that such an activity was reckless, and the same principle applied to Celestia - fortunately for him, she never seemed to mind the attention. Hastening his pace and moving up next to her, he mirthlessly laughed.

“Sorry,” he grumbled.

Without breaking stride, she rubbed his upper arm. “It’s quite alright, Anon - for goodness’ sake, it’s not like I didn’t choose to wear this.”

He shrugged, still feeling the slightest bit embarrassed for indulging. “Yeah, but still…”

“Oh come now, there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she continued, crossing out of the shadows and into the light of the colosseum. “If you truly feel guilty, then perhaps you could return the favor for me - after all, I’m sure Spitfire wouldn’t mind if I borrow a uniform for you to try on.”

The notion of parading himself around in one of the outfits for her, likely in the privacy of one of their rooms, was equal parts thrilling and horrifying - still, the fact that he’d be able to wear one at all reminded him of just how magical they were. Each of the uniforms was handmade from crystal spider silk and enchanted to fit anypony of any size - on top of that, the material was enchanted to be hydrophobic, windproof, and nigh indestructible. Celestia had quite literally burst out of a set of standard issue armor, but it would be virtually impossible for her to suffer a wardrobe malfunction with one of the mystical catsuits.

Stopping alongside her teammates, Celestia stretched and warmed herself up. “Wish me luck?”

“Not like you’ll need it, but good luck,” he laughed while stepping back.

While it may have sounded like a joke, he meant what he’d said. Celestia’s aeronautical abilities were a mystery to a great many of her former subjects, speculated on by some and actually witnessed by fewer still, but she was actually a phenom of a flier - so much so that she’d allegedly served as a substitute for the Wonderbolts in her youth. When the buzzer rang and the teams on the field separated, trudging off to their respective sides to catch their breath and get a cold drink, the speakers throughout the arena rang to life.

“Mares, gentlecolts, and ponies of all ages,” the announcer theatrically blared, his voice cutting through the whoops, hollers, arguments, and conversations of the innumerable spectators, “I have some very, and I mean very special news for you all…”

Celestia trailed after Spitfire, Fleetfoot, High Wind, and Misty Fly, though at a slightly slower pace, and peeked back at him. Shooting her a double thumbs-up, he beamed and mutely gave her encouragement. He really wasn’t one to toot his own horn, fearing his hubris would bite him on the ass, but fuck if signing her up for the Wonderbolts wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had.

She’d get to show off her aeronautical skills, perform for the public she cherished so dearly, and she looked absolutely stunning - as if those selling points weren’t fantastic enough, he got a few kickbacks from her newfound position. Minding a retired Princess came with a number of perks, even if rarely took advantage of them, but he wasn’t going to complain about being able to go to sporting events, all sorts of public shows, and royal parties without paying a single bit! All he had to do was ensure she was on time, root her on, and stick by her.

With a song starting to play and the crowd going nearly silent, the announcer cleared his throat. “I’d like to - wait a second…” he muttered, pausing and taking a breath. “I’ve just been informed of a sudden change to the halftime show.”

The masses of attendees shifted and murmured amongst themselves, doubtlessly concerned that something had gone awry, while Anon smirked and shook his head. The broadcaster was damn good at what he did, and he was impressed. Looking up to the press box, he waited for the shoe to drop.

“I - yes, I see,” the commenter continued. “I…I can’t believe this. Everypony, the Wonderbolts are going to be joined by none other than Princess - er - the former Princess, Celestia!”

Just as he finished speaking, the Wonderbolts darted into the air in a fan pattern. Music blared, lasers pierced the heavens, and the crowd absolutely lost their shit. Though her mane was tied and she was wearing the same thing as her teammates, only a blind idiot wouldn’t have been able to recognize Celestia. Anon’s smile broadened and met his upturned eyes as he turned his head upward.

While he had some idea of what to look forward to, having seen two Wonderbolt shows in the past, he was excited all the same. The way the ponies cut through the air, dart past one another while performing all sorts of tricks, would have been entertaining enough, but that was just the start of the display. Whizzing around the stadium and breaking formation, the members shot just over the throng while dispensing high-fives.

The opening act only lasted a few minutes before the real theatrics started. Though the Wonderbolts were all pegasi, excluding Celestia, they had a number of support ponies on the field to assist. Unicorns launched magical fireworks that the fliers traced around, rings of vibrantly-colored fire materialized out of thin air, and there was even a hot air balloon manned by several earth ponies firing off party and t-shirt cannons - in short, it was one hell of a spectacle.

Throughout the performance, Anon’s eyes never wavered from Celestia. Irrespective of how enticing her attire was, she was beautiful - truly beautiful. The way she almost danced through the air, her body moving as though it was made of water, was phenomenal. He couldn’t say he was or ever had been much of a religious man, but knowing he’d somehow befriended such a divine creature made him thankful on a spiritual level.

Lasting for the better part of half an hour, filled with different exhibitions and impressive displays of flying skills, the show left everypony - including Anon. He realized she couldn’t hear him, that he was just another face in the crowd, but he cheered all the same. She meant the world to him, whether she knew it or not, and getting to see her show herself off in a meaningful way warmed the very depths of his heart.

“I don’t have to say it, but I will anyway,” the announcer laughed. “Everypony put your hands together for the Wonderbolts!!!”

Damn near everypony in the stadium shot from their seats, standing and lavishing the team with praise as the Wonderbolts flew into a revolving circle and bowed. It was a humble end for what was a phenomenal event, everypony had gotten their socks knocked off, and he couldn’t think of a single way that it could have been better. Anon turned and wandered back to the service entrance, more than ready to complement Celestia for a job well done, but he paused when the speakers flared to life.

“You’re kidding me?” the broadcaster exclaimed. “Ok, now this is a surprise. Everypony take your seats and brace yourselves.”

Looking to the heavens and past a number of Wonderbolts flitting to the earth, Anon spotted Celestia talking with Spitfire, the team’s captain. He hadn’t the slightest idea of what they were saying, but their expressions were telling. The alicorn clutched her hands together in supplication while the pegasus shook her head and wagged a finger. Whatever was going on set his nerves on edge and was making his hair stand on end.

After a few tense seconds Spitfire descended, shaking her head and throwing her hands up in apparently giving up on whatever argument she’d been having. Anon swiftly brought his attention back to the ex-Princess as she victoriously fist-pumped the air. Ok, yeah, there’d been a disagreement of some sort, and it looked like Celestia had won, but that’s not what bothered him.

Like a bullet, Celestia rocketed upwards. He kept his eyes on her for as long as he could, until she was just a little speck high above, then shielded his face from the blazing sun overhead. It was obvious that she was planning something, an extra stunt if he had to hazard a guess, and he was torn between being worried or proud that she wanted to cap off the spectacle with a regal bang.

“H…hey,” he croaked, pawing at Spitfire as she walked by him, “what’s she doing.”

Shrugging off his hand, Spitfire rolled her eyes. “She told me not to tell you, but get ready to cover your ears…”

Oh no - oh fuck. There was only one maneuver he could think of that Celestia was going to try, and it was a doozy. Almost every creature in Equestria knew about Rainbow Dash, the impetuous flier who’d become both a hero and was a reserve member from the Wonderbolts, but what most ponies didn’t know was that the Element of Loyalty wasn’t the first to conquer a very dangerous, very high-tier trick.

Anon rushed into the field while waving his arms and desperately trying to get Celestia’s attention. If he didn’t stop her, all hell was about to break loose. The multitude of onlookers went silent as they turned their eyes to the heavens, watching in quiet awe when the little blue dot started to fall. 

Though he wanted to run, to seek out shelter to protect himself from what was coming, Anon couldn’t move. Clouds parted before Celestia, the air itself wavered and shimmered, and a thunderous crack, followed by a pressure wave of wind, assailed him. Nopony, from the oldest stallion to the youngest foal, had any idea what they were in for, but he did.

Ever-shifting, opalescence formed around the meteoric alicorn, forming a lancehead around her. A second report rocked the closer viewers, sending them crashing back into their seats or reeling to steady themselves, yet none of them looked away until the very last second. When Celestia veered, altering course in a manner that should have broken several fundamental laws of physics, the atmosphere detonated.

Every color imaginable and several that shouldn’t have existed radiated overhead, cascading throughout the stadium and everypony in it. The sight would have been astonishing, and it was for a fleeting instant, although the magnificence was followed by ruination. Windows shattered, ponies went sailing over their seats, and the excited shouts turned to screams of terror as the colosseum was hit with the full force of an apocalyptic rain-boom.

Anon was one of the lucky few who’d been prepared, having thrown himself to the earth with his mouth open and ears covered to save himself. Pushing himself up, he looked around and surveyed the devastation until his eyes settled on a figure before him. As naked as the day she was born and appearing slightly dismayed at the panic-stricken masses, any thought of modesty escaped her while she stood and idly surveyed the stands.

In a valiant effort to shield her, he turned his back to her, threw his arms up, and did what he could to cover the more scandalous bits of her. “Damn it, Celestia!”

The most primitive parts of his brain railed and begged him to at least take one look at her most holy of holies, although it was hardly the time nor place to pop wood while gawking at noble horse naughty parts. Forcing himself to inspect the crowd, he glanced from one area to another for any signs of serious injury. There were already medics filing in, checking on folks and tending to the few who’d suffered scrapes or bruises, which was a small relief - however that didn’t address the big, nude elephantine problem in the arena.

“Is - uh - is this a pineapple pizza moment or should I - oh…” she grumbled.

Glancing back at her and seeing her reddening cheeks, he could see the realization that she was standing bare-assed in front of a few thousand spectators - sure, most of the ponies present were too frightened to pay her any mind, but they wouldn’t stay that way for long. Kneeling and plastering herself against him, she smashed her tits to his back and hugged his midsection.

“Pineapple pizza it is…” she whispered, winking both of them out of existence and off to the secluded chalet that was supposed to serve as a doomsday refuge…
> Interlewd
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“She can’t keep doing this,” Anon breathed, hanging and burying his face in his hands.

“Doing what?” Celestia chirped, seeing herself in and seating herself opposite from him.

He wasn’t shocked she’d nonchalantly decided to join him, nor was he bothered by how she’d overheard his bemoaned mutterings, yet he was somewhat perturbed and a small bit vindicated by her appearing - not because he wasn’t used to seeing her morning, noon, and night, but because of where he was and what he was doing. Pulling the towel over his shoulder and down to his groin, he made a concerted effort not to look over at her. As she contentedly sighed and shifted in place, making herself comfortable, his nerves got the better of him.

Keeping his eyes on the wooden floor under his feet, he cleared his throat. “I mean this,” he groaned.

Doubtlessly seeing him wave a hand in her direction, she remained motionless. “I…I don’t believe I follow…”

He lifted his head and glanced over at her for a fleeting second, just long enough to confirm his suspicions, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “That…”

Resting with her legs parted and arms resting on the back of the bench beneath her, Celestia sat in all her resplendent, utterly shameless magnificence. Like being gradually dosed with a heady venom over time, the sight of her bare, curvaceous glory didn’t strike him like it once had - nevertheless, the temptation to stare at her heaving bosoms, juicy flanks, or the plump promised land that lay between her thighs still lingered. Allowing himself to look at her foot and nothing else, he knit his brow.

She crossed her legs as she reached over to one side. “I hardly think being naked in a sauna is inappropriate.”

“It’s not,” he conceded, “but that display of yours in front of the Canterlot castle and the show you put on in Fillydelphia was.”

Folding her arms over her chest, she gave a small, recalcitrant harrumph. “It’s hardly my fault that standard attire can’t contain me.”

He lifted his head and gave a breath of relief as he saw that she’d inadvertently covered her naughtiest bits. While he hadn’t known her for the entirety of her preternaturally long life, he’d been her assistant for long enough to know that her modesty was a fickle thing. While she never seemed to intentionally flaunt her godly assets, he’d witnessed bend or move in just the right or wrong way at public events to give somepony she’d been chatting a view of her panties, bra, or mountainous cleavage - worse still, on at least one occasion he could recall when she’d held the throne, an entire tit had freed itself from her dress during a dance. She was a riddle wrapped in an enigma within a body that was the pinnacle of maternal beauty, even if she’d never had an heir, and it was baffling to think she wasn’t aware of just how damn provocative she could be.

“You do know how much of a - uh…” he faltered as he fought to find the right word, “distraction you can be ~ don’t you?”

“Like standing out in a crowd?” she quipped.

He nodded and gave a mute prayer that he could tactfully broach the subject. “Amongst other things.”

Dealing with her could be frustrating at times, although her blitheness allowed him to speak relatively candidly with her. For all intents and purposes, she was a goddess, ageless and with little or nothing to fear in the world, so she rarely took anything too seriously - that said, those around her weren’t in the same boat as she was. The incidents at the hotel, construction site, and the diner had been bad enough, putting ponies’ lives at risk, yet the mishaps at the Wonderbolt performance and with the Royal Guard displayed another element of what made her dangerous.

“Do you ever wonder why stallions flock to you?” he softly inquired.

She lifted hand, rubbed her chin, and thoughtlessly let one of her breasts spill out from under her arm. “To be honest, I’d never given it much thought. Perhaps stallions in this day and age prefer taller mares?”

“That may be part of it,” he noted, doing his damnedest to avoid looking at the udder-like bosom that was just out of arm’s reach. “Don’t you think there’s something else that might have guys fawning over you?”

Peering down at her rack, she coolly cupped and hefted one tremendous bosom in each hand. “These?”

“Along with the rest of you,” he responded as impassively as he could. “Like it or not, you’re what a great, great many would consider attractive.”

“You jest,” she countered, releasing her chest. “While I’m sure there are some who would consider my figure enticing, I’m certain those are the fringe minority.”

He steepled his fingers as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “What makes you say that?”

“For starters, I’m hardly in the best shape -” she explained, going so far as to lower a hand to squeeze the ample meat of her hip, “secondly, nopony would want to be with a mare as old as I am.”

Momentarily wrestling with his subconscious, beset by the notion of just how soft and doughy various portions of her were, he reined in unscrupulous urges. “I’d bet you every bit I have that you’re wrong on that. My point is that, from now on, you should be really, really careful about what you’re showing ~ what?”

She quietly laughed and demurely held a hand to her muzzle as her bust jiggled softly on her chest. “That’s preposterous and you know it. The only reason anypony would pay me any mind in that regard is because I am - rather I was a Princess.”

“So you don’t think that ponies find you appealing?” he flatly asked.

Shaking her head, she met his gaze. “I don’t think so - I know so.”

The conviction of her statement was as ridiculous as her claim. She may have been a bit of a featherbrain, but she had to have noticed how ponies, in particular stallions, acted around her ~ right? As he dwelled on how to delicately convince her that she was dead wrong about her captivating she was, she extended a leg and ran her toes up his outer thigh.

“Unless…” she purred.

Looking from her foot to her face, Anon stiffened when he saw her heavily-lidded eyes. “U…unless…?”

She bent forward and brought herself closer to him. “Unless this supposed somepony who’s fond of my looks isn’t a pony at all…”

Her breasts hung heavily between her thighs, he was situated at the perfect angle to see her exposed nethers, and her honeyed words dripped of sinfully mischievous intent, but it was her expression that sent his mind into a tailspin. In another life or another place, were they not so different, he would have made a pass to date her from the moment they’d crossed paths - alas, he couldn’t just hit on a royal, nigh-omnipotent alicorn. Losing himself in her eyes, he only shook from his stupor when her toes ran down his leg, around his knee, and drifted up to his loins.

“Oooooooooooooookay,” he apprehensively laughed as he bolted to his feet and made for the exit. “Since you’re not taking this seriously, I guess I’ll…”

He froze at the threshold as a pair of hands gently slipped over his shoulders. For somepony as big as she was, Celestia was staggeringly fast - so fast that it hadn’t registered that she’d stood and closed the gap between them. Too scared to move, wrought with panic and the desires he’d been struggling to suppress, he gulped as a pair of huge, heavy, warm somethings sandwiched his head.

“Who said I wasn’t serious?” she whispered.

Her tone sent a thrilled shiver up his spine. Shakily tilting his head back and gazing upward, he found her smiling down at him. She had him right where she wanted him, held to her chest without a care in the world, yet her smug little grin offered him little comfort. What in the world was she doing? Was this really happening or had he drifted off while enjoying his steam bath? Did she not care that he was effectively wedged in her cleavage? A thousand questions danced through his brain, but there was a specific one that troubled him ~ had she noticed the effect she was having on him?

Tightening the grip on his towel, he kept his shame and pride as concealed as he could manage. Simply looking at her in the buff stirred things within him, playing to his masculine needs, yet feeling her and smelling her only magnified his growing plight - and he did mean growing plight. The last thing he needed was for her to see just how excited he was getting from the intimate contact, so he did the only reasonable thing he could think to do.

Flying in the face of every instinct he had, he wriggled free, grabbed the doorknob, and grimaced over his shoulder at her. “That’s not funny.”

She tittered and dismissively batted a wing. “It’s a little funny, but I digress. Would you like me to prove my point?”

“About how stallions supposedly don’t think you’re hot?” he huffed, pulling the door open.

“There’s no supposedly about it,” she mused, quoting the air while cocking her hips. “If you don’t believe me, step outside and give me a moment.”

Narrowing his eyes at her, he didn’t budge. “What are you going to do?”

“You’ll see,” she teased. Shooting him a wink, she waved a hand at him. “Go on - oh, and close the door behind you.”

He had a nagging feeling that no good could come from whatever it was she was planning, but that didn’t stop him from walking into the hallway and closing the door behind himself. As he crossed to the opposite side of the corridor and rested his back against the wall, after tying his towel around his waist, his mind lingered on what had just happened. Celestia was a bit of a prankster, a trait both Luna and the Royal Guard had warned him about shortly after he’d been hired, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t just screwing with him.

From what little he’d gleaned about her, having chatted with the Castle’s staff, her sister, and even Twilight a few times, Celestia wasn’t a dumb mare - oblivious and harmlessly playful at times, sure, but she was far from slow-witted. For a mare of her age to be totally ignorant of how inherently erotic she was, what with her figure, lilting voice, and the graceful way she carried herself, would be nonsensical to say the least. She may have alleged to be naive, but her actions spoke to the contrary.

Looking over to the door, he adjusted his towel. “So is this going to -”

“Guards!” she bellowed from within the sauna, making him flinch.

He shuddered as the sound of multiple teleportations came from both sides of him. The chalet they were in, though appearing innocuous, was a safehouse for good reason. Surrounded by sorcerous wards and lookouts, the comfy little cabin was as much of a bunker as it was a personal resort. Turning his head to the left and right, seeing a half dozen elite guardsponies armed and ready for battle, he found the squad leader and shrugged.

“She’s in there,” he apathetically remarked as he pointed to the door. “Not sure what - Wait!!!”

His warning came a moment too late. With a mighty kick, one of the soldiers burst the door inward and charged into the steam-filled chamber alongside his compatriots. Since there was no actual threat, and because it had only been a minute or two since he’d walked out into the hallway, there was no real reason why Celestia would suddenly and quite vehemently summon her praetorians. The din of clattering armor fell silent, and Celestia came strutting out of the room alone and still completely undressed.

“See?” she haughtily remarked, stepping aside and gesturing to the sauna.

As the air cleared, Anon balked. The floor of the steam room was littered with armored bodies. Each of the guards lay limp and virtually motionless, though that gave little explanation as to what had happened. It wasn’t until he inched forward and got a closer look that he spotted several of the troops, all of which being stallions, were bleeding from the nose or clutching their codpieces.

Turning and peering up at Celestia, he felt his blood run cold. “W…what did you do?”

Flippantly holding a hand to her bosom, Celestia reared back as if stricken. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Then what the hell happened to them?!” he squawked, frantically waving at the groaning, tormented souls writhing on the ground.

“They were so horrified by the sight of me presenting myself in an admittedly unbecoming way that they fainted from disgust,” she pouted, turning and plodding away. “I take no pride in showing off my body, Anon, I hope you know that now…”

Totally speechless, Anon’s attention drifted from her sullen countenance, down her back, and ultimately settled on her rear. The view of her swaying hips and mammoth buns gliding back and forth against one another was mesmerizing, though he couldn’t allow himself to savor the obscene sight. Rushing into the sauna and kneeling by the first guard he reached, he cradled the pony’s head in his hands.

As he looked the poor trooper over, the stallion lifted a trembling hand and placed it on his shoulder. “What happened? What did she -”

“S…spread eagle,” the soldier croaked. “I…I didn’t - Cough - know she could get her ankles behind her head like…”

And just like that, the stallion blacked out. Anon blinked rapidly, checked for a pulse, and exhaled when he realized that the guard simply appeared to be in shock. Joke or not, there was nothing humorous about knocking out one’s elite protectors, yet the sight of the unconscious troops gave him an idea. If Celestia truly cared so little about showing herself off, while somehow assuming she wasn’t as she was, there may be a way to give her a job that could boost her self-image and make them filthy rich in the process.

Pawing at his leg and causing him to turn, a second, slightly more lucid guard winced. “Save yourself…”

Like his companions, the poor bastard was holding the armor over his groin. Anon hated to think how uncomfortable it would be to get worked up while fully geared for battle, especially after seeing the sorry state of the praetorians strewn around him, and he had no intention of finding out. As surveyed the bodies at his feet, his thoughts back to the inspiration he’d been granted by pure happenstance

Pushing himself up, he ran out of the room and after her. “Celestia!”

She slowed at an intersection and glanced back at him. “Don’t tell me I -”

“Car wash,” he exclaimed. “The next job we’re doing is a car wash.”

“Oh Anon,” she lamented, shaking her head and looking down to the floor. “We’ll never make a single bit doing that…”

Patting her arm and accidentally brushing his fingers against her boob, he shied away. “Trust me, it’ll be perfect. I never thought I’d say this, but we gotta find you the sexiest swimsuit available.”

She gave a halfhearted shrug as she lumbered toward her room. “If you say so…”

As she departed, Anon’s confidence wavered. He’s only seen it for a second, so quickly that he couldn’t be sure if he’d imagined it or not, but he could swear she had the faintest trace of a smirk on her muzzle before disappearing around a corner. In that fleeting instant, while he warred with the concept that she was putting on some grand, he couldn’t help but consider that he’d just been played like a fiddle…
> Feeling Dirty
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a shadow fell over him, Anon lowered his shades and peeked upward. “Can I help -”

“How much?” the stallion looming above him asked. Digging his pocket, the older, balding pony produced a fistful of bits. “How much?”

Anon hitched a thumb over and motioned to a sign beside him. “Fifty bits, pal.”

“Fifty…Fifty bits?!?” the stallion blared, dropping several coins as he gnashed his teeth. “That’s highway robbery, who the hay would spend fifty-bucking-bits just to get their car washed?!?”

Unable to keep himself from smiling, Anon shrugged. “The type of person who wants to get their car washed by her…”

He twisted his head and peeked behind himself, knowing what to expect but relishing the sight all the same. Cheerfully humming to herself, with an oversized sponge in one hand and a bucket of soapy water in the other, Celestia merrily scrubbed the front quarter panel of an El Caballo. As she turned and waved over at him, he beamed and lifted a hand before shifting his focus back to the stallion standing beside him.

“Fifty bits,” he repeated.

“And another thirty if you want it waxed!” Celestia excitedly added.

With his hand open and expectantly outstretched, Anon chuckled when the stallion slammed the cold coins into his palm. For anypony to pay such an egregious price to have their car washed was lunacy - then again, it wasn’t any ordinary car wash. He pushed himself when the stallion grumbled and stormed off to his car, tossed the bits into a nearby wheelbarrow, and sauntered over to the former Princess.

Straightening up after setting her bucket and sponge down at her feet, Celestia wiped her brow. “I can’t believe there are so many!”

“I can,” Anon hummed, looking down the line of vehicles waiting for their once in a lifetime opportunity.

Getting one’s car hand-washed by an alicorn would have brought in a metric ton of business by itself, but getting one’s car hand-washed by a scantily clad, utterly stacked alicorn had whipped the population of Manehattan into a frenzy - thankfully for Anon, he’d taken every precaution available to make sure things went smoothly. Alongside a contingent of hand-picked Royal Guards, each of whom were straight, married mares, to keep the peace, he’d enacted a set of rules to ensure everypony behaved. Nopony could leave their vehicle to do anything other than to pay him, cameras were strictly forbidden, and a single irate honk or bout of impatience would see you ejected from the queue - it was as simple as that.

Celestia grunted as she bent over and snatched up a hose from beneath her. “It’s a bit hot for my liking, but that’s alright.”

The irony of her statement was palpable. While the sun was a particularly balmy day, and the sun was blazing overhead, the heat wasn’t purely due to the weather. Glancing at Celestia for a split second, he was reminded of why ponies were lined up and willing to waste an entire day and an inordinate amount of money for something they could easily do themselves.

When he’d mentioned finding a sexy swimsuit for Celestia, he’d expected something alluring like a two-piece - what he hadn’t anticipated was that she already owned something that fit the bill perfectly. Snaked over her groin, parting over her waist, and being positively devoured by her backside, her sling bikini left virtually nothing to the imagination. Damned if he could say when she’d gotten the outfit, where she’d procured it from, or how much it had cost her, but it was fucking perfect for the job.

Running a thumb beneath one band of golden, elastic fabric, Celestia adjusted her attire. “This is a bit more snug than I remember it being.”

“Hey, don’t look at me, you’re the one who picked it out,” he grunted.

He hadn’t forced herself to wear it, nor had he been the one to select it for her, so he wasn’t about to let her complain - besides, if she was unbothered by letting a packed stadium see her in the buff, showing herself off in some swimwear shouldn’t have been an issue. As he eyed her chest and watched the twin bands cloth strain under the weight of her bosoms, he contemplated what he’d do if the garment should slip out of place.

Coughing into his hand, he lingered next to her. “Just to be sure, that outfit won’t - Ack!” A splash of cool water washed over him, cutting him off and causing him to flail his arms. Hearing her giggle, he wiped his face off and grimaced over at her. “Ha ha…”

“Here,” she tranquilly intoned, passing him the hose she’d just doused him with. “You can rinse them off after I wipe them down.”

Though he hadn’t intended to get his hands dirty, letting her do all the work while he minded the till, helping her would maximize the number of customers they were able to tend to - plus it wasn’t like one of the guards couldn’t be put in charge of collecting the bits. Placing his thumb over the end of the still-running hose, he showered the car free of suds while she moved to the vehicle’s opposite side. Nopony would get upset if he was acting as her assistant - at least he didn’t think anypony would get upset.

Leaning over the hood of the coupé, she beamed over at him. “This is delightfully refreshing! And to think I had misgivings about anypony showing up for something so silly!”

Anon peered into the vehicle and to the driver’s seat. The stallion, a younger guy from the looks of it, had his eyes glued to the sight before him. He could only imagine the view, seeing a pair of tits bigger than his head plastered against the windshield, but he wasn’t jealous in the slightest - if anything, he was entertained.

Shuffling around the car, Anon sprayed the vehicle down in Celestia’s wake. For all the display she was putting on, she was actually pretty damn proficient. Periodically dipping her sponge in the bucket of soapy water, she left no spot unscoured, expertly removing dirt and dust as she moved along, although their patrons probably weren’t shelling out hard-earned bits for the cleaning.

“That ought to do it!” jubilantly noted. Crossing to the driver’s side and rapping on the window, she lowered her free hand and waved her fingers. “Tip?”

With blood streaming from his nose, the stallion shakily offered her a handful of bits, muttered something completely unintelligible, and slipped his car into drive before idling away. Poor bastard - even if he didn’t have to go home to do some laundry and get a cold shower, Anon felt certain that he’d have plenty of inspiration for any long, lonely nights he had ahead of him. With the El Cabalo out of the way, a large truck rolled forward to take its spot.

“One sec,” Anon shouted, preparing to hose the pickup down.

Waving at him and catching his attention, Celestia lifted her arms over her head. “Do me first.”

“I…what?” he mumbled, thrown off guard by her request.

“Do me first,” she said again. Lowering her hands and rubbing herself down, she sent rivulets of soapy foam rolling into her cleavage and over her bust. “I need a rinse too.”

He hesitated to give her what she wanted - not because it wasn’t undue, but because he made the poor decision to look over at the queue. The drivers, each and every one, stared daggers at him while holding their steering wheels in death grips. He may not have done anything wrong, but he could feel the contemptuous envy of virtually everypony who could see him.

“I d…don’t think that’s a good idea,” he stammered.

Sending power into her horn, she snickered. “I wasn’t asking.”

To his horror, he saw and felt her aura surround his hose-wielding hand. Realizing that he’d only been given the illusion of choice in the matter, he strained against her sorcerous grip - sadly, her magic was too strong. While the stream of water sailed through the air, cascading onto her and making her squeal with delight, all he could do was marvel at her in a mixture of awe and dread.

He wouldn’t deny that the spectacle playing out in front of him was spellbinding, but the notion that he may have unintentionally ended up on several ponies’ shit-lists dulled his enthusiasm. Keeping her hands up and laughing all the while, she presented her back to him. Maybe she was giving herself a little break, or perhaps she really was hoping to get the soap out of her coat - regardless of what she was wanting to do, she was the only pony in eyeshot who was getting cooled off.

As she threw her head back and sent her damp mane flying to her back, droplets of water glistened like a hundred-million twinkling diamonds. “Much better…”

No sooner did her aura fade than he turned the hose to the pickup. He couldn’t allow himself to get distracted - for fuck’s sake, not this early in the day! Doing everything he could to avoid looking at her, he worked his way around the truck and rinsed it down. Unless Celestia was hellbent on needing his aid, she was going to have to handle the rest of their patrons by her lonesome after this.

Strutting to the front of the massive vehicle, Celestia signaled the driver. “This is a big one, even by my standards!”

Gruffly chuckling, the stallion behind the wheel shook his head. “That’s what they all say, Princess.”

“Former Princess,” she humbly corrected. “Would you mind if I get on the hood? Unless I levitate the sponge over, I won’t be able to clean the windshield.”

The driver grinned from ear to ear as he nodded. “Be my guest.”

Listening to the suspension groan, Anon frowned when she crawled over the engine bay. “Please be careful…”

“I’m fine, Anon,” she replied. “What’s the worst that could - Whoops.”

Falling forward with her arms spread wide, she landed with a soft thud. While she was completely uninjured by the small tumble, the same couldn’t be said for the truck. The hood folded like paper beneath her, buckling as its latch was ripped in half under her weight.

“Sorry about that!” she hollered, slipping as she pushed herself up.

Anon dropped the hose and ran around behind her. “You ok?”

Having her use her body to reel in customers was all well and good, considering she had no qualms about it and was having a grand time, but he’d feel awful if she ended up getting hurt or having her ego bruised. He doubted he’d be able to stop her if she lost her balance, but he was confident that he could prevent that from happening. Should she start to slip, all he’d have to do is catch her foot and keep her from rolling off the truck - easy as.

“Quite alright,” she answered over her shoulder. “I won’t let a little slip-up stop me.”

With his head only just clearing the top of the gargantuan truck’s grill, he braced his legs and prepared himself for the worst. It was a wonder that her tits hadn’t come spilling out from the small mishap, but rolling off and plummeting to the ground would all but guarantee her bikini coming free from her bounteous bosoms. As he stood on his tiptoes and went to check on the driver, his eyes were drawn to her immaculately presented tush.

Untold centuries of having unchecked access to the best cakes and pastries in all of Equestria had done wonders for Celestia’s figure - namely in regards to her lower half. With her tail flicking from side to side in annoyance while she wiped her trusty sponge over the windshield, her pillowy buns and thick thighs were put on full display for any and all to see. He’d never actively wished to fantasize about her in a lecherous way, yet all the willpower in the world couldn’t keep his subconscious from running absolutely wild.

His head drifted from side to side as he followed her profound, gently swaying hips. There weren’t many things about her that could shatter his concentration, but her rump was chief amongst them. In spite of his best efforts, a singular notion, something he actively suppressed whenever it reared its head, bubbled to the surface of his thoughts.

“Almost done,” she noted. “Anon, get the hose ready!”

“Hose…” he mindlessly repeated, transfixed by her meaty posterior.

He didn’t know why he had such a weakness for hind parts, especially big, impossibly soft ones, although they were his achilles heel. A gorgeous face or a big rack were nice and all, but a succulent ass - heaven help him, it was hard for him to resist a fat, juicy ass. Musing on how nice it would be to have his head buried in Celestia’s decadent derriere, he yelped when somepony laid on the horn.

“Get him out of here!” he blared, wheeling around and glaring at the driver who’d decided to honk.

A pair of the guardsmares were already flitting over to deal with the offending vehicle, but he wasn’t able to savor the moment for long. Catching a sudden movement out of the corner of his eye, he turned his head back to Celestia and locked up. Scrambling for purchase, kicking one leg out while the other dangled off the side of the hood, the colossal klutz was holding onto one of the windshield wipers.

“A…Anon,” she cawed, casting a fearful glance back at him. 

One of her bosoms had liberated itself from its confines and was sandwiched between herself and the metal beneath her, the driver appeared to have succumbed and passed out from excitement, and several ponies were shouting something, although Anon was only dimly aware of any of it - instead, his focus lay solely on the squirming alicorn’s behemoth backside. Her butt was close enough to touch, close enough to squeeze, and the thought of sinking his fingers into her rear was his undoing.

With a small snap of sheared metal, the windshield wiper gave up the ghost and broke. Time seemed to slow, an odd sense of acceptance settled over him, and he smiled broadly as she slid toward him. There wasn’t a thing he could do to stop her, he had no time to get out of the way, and his life was in genuine peril - nevertheless, he was at peace. If he was going to meet his maker by being crushed to death under one of the most magnificent asses in all of Equestria, so be it.

The warmth of her inner thighs against his cheeks was a soothing balm, the delicate fragrance of her loins was ambrosial, and the soft fur of her coat on his face was that of an angel’s kiss as he was driven back off his feet. Though the world around him spun and the ground rushed up to greet him, he wasn’t upset in the slightest - not after this experience. As far as he was concerned, he’d done the unthinkable, attained something that ponies would likely kill for, and he would cross into the next life without any regrets whatsoever.

“Anon? Anon?!?” somepony, a voice he could place but didn’t quite recognize, called out.

Gazing up at the heavens, he found himself peering into a pair of twinkling, magenta eyes filled with worry. He couldn’t move, there was a deep ache every time he drew a breath, and his head was pounding, but he was happy - truly happy. Seeing the goddess above him turn and frantically wave, listening to her voice fade into nothingness, he closed his eyes and embraced oblivion. His final thoughts before the darkness consumed him were those of how lucky he’d been to spend the last years of his cut-short life with such a wondrous Princess - his Princess…
> Touch of Tachycardia
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ugh,” Anon groaned as his eyes fluttered open.

Peering up at the humming, fluorescent light above him, he went to sit up and winced. He didn’t know where he was, how he’d gotten there, or exactly what had happened, but he felt like he’d been hit by a semi. It was only when he turned his head and lowered his gaze, seeing the sterile, uninviting interior of what appeared to be a hospital room, that the memories came flooding back.

Oh fuck - OH FUCK! The realization of how he’d ended up bedridden horrifying as it was embarrassing. It would have been one thing if he’d been jumped by some hooligans or got into a fight preserving Celestia’s honor, but it was quite another to be nearly crushed to death under a Princess’ devastatingly doughy derriere! Attempting to push himself up, he quickly discovered that it didn’t just hurt to move - it was impossible.

“Nurse,” he weakly called out.

This wasn’t good - this wasn’t good at all. He couldn’t lift his arms and legs, he was thirsty, and he hadn’t the slightest idea of just how injured he was. Shouting out again, he tried fruitlessly to lift his limbs. He couldn’t really see himself, having a shitty hospital blanket thrown over him from the neck down, but he knew he must have been in bad shape.

“Nurse!” he yelled, fueled by dread and impotent irritation. “Can a guy get…”

He trailed off as a figure coolly strutted in. Holding a clipboard and dressed in a nurse’s uniform, replete a hat upon her head, the towering mare sauntered over to him and smiled. He would have - should have been relieved that somepony had come to check up on him, yet the giantess was anything but a medical professional.

“Mister Anonymous,” Celestia flatly intoned, squinting at her notes, “how can I assist you?”

In disbelief, he stared up at her. “I…what…how did…”

“The patient is exhibiting possible cognitive impairment,” she remarked as flipped open his chart and scribbled something down. Slipping the paperwork under one arm, she pulled a pen light from her breast pocket, flicked it on, and leaned over him. “How are you feeling?”

“How the hell do you think I’m feeling?” he huffed. Glancing past her face and to her expansive hindquarters, the very instrument of his destruction, he knit his brow. “Can you stop shining that light in my eye?”

She reluctantly withdrew, straightened up, and stashed the miniature flashlight. “I am sorry about what happened, but it’s partially your fault.”

“My…My fault?!?” he spat. “How the hell was your fat ass falling on me my fault?!”

Twisting and peeking back at her rump, she blushed. “First and foremost, nopony asked you to hover behind me and - Ahem - appreciating the view - secondly and just as prudently, it’s not that fat.”

He went to defend himself on both accounts, moments from telling her that her tush was generous by any metric and that he hadn’t zoned out while admiring her assets, but he remained silent. Lying to her would have been wrong, and saying anything about her weight would only deal a blow to her self-image, so a change of topic was due. Nodding to the clipboard she was carrying, he grunted.

“So how bad is it?” he asked.

Pulling his chart free, she turned a page. “Multiple contusions, three bruised ribs, and several compressed vertebrae - all in all, you should consider yourself lucky.”

“If I’m lucky, I’d hate to - wait a damn minute,” he groused. He was no doctor, but she hadn’t mentioned anything affecting his arms or legs. “Can you pull this sheet off me?”

“Of course,” she serenely replied.

As she grabbed the blanket and tugged it downward, his worst fears were realized. His entire body, everything from the neck down, was locked within a rigid cast. Erring on the side of caution was never a bad idea, but he couldn’t fathom why some numbskull physician had him trapped in plaster - that was unless it hadn’t been a doctor who’d had it done.

Testing his bonds, he fidgeted within his padded confines. “So - uh - if I don’t have broken arms or legs…?”

A soft smile graced her full, pouting lips as she reached over and caressed his cheek. “It’s called a lesson.”

“A lesson,” he dully repeated. “You’re doing this to teach me a lesson?”

“Just so,” she affirmed. “Anon, if you truly wanted to look at my tooshie, you simply could have asked.”

“I…I d…don’t know what you’re t…talking about,” he sputtered.

Crossing to a set of storage compartments along the far wall, she opened a cupboard, slipped her hand inside, and retrieved an grisly looking instrument. It took him a moment to place what she was holding, but then it hit him. A saw - she’d just grabbed a saw, and it sure as hell appeared as though she was going to use it.

Kneeling down and plugging the tool in, she flipped a switch along its side and set its circular head to spinning. “This should work nicely,” she murmured, turning her gaze to his face. “I would tell you not to move, but I don’t think that’s an issue.”

Breaking into a cold sweat, his efforts to break free intensified. “W…what are you doing?”

“I’m about to prove a point,” she remarked. “Close your eyes and hold your breath, this will only take a moment.”

Though he wanted to scream, to piss his nonexistent pants and cry like a baby, he grit his teeth and clamped his eyes shut. The menacing buzz of the saw, the smell of plaster dust, and a vibration over his torso were pants-shittingly terrifying, to the point where he stifled a whimper, but he somehow managed to keep himself quiet until a preternatural silence rang in his ears. Peeking down at himself with a single eye, ye flinched when she removed a large patch of plaster free from his chest.

“See, that wasn’t so bad ~ was it?” she chuckled, setting the tool and portion of his cast down on a nearby countertop. “Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.”

With that, she brushed herself free from dust, straightened her uniform, and saw herself out. Anon simply lay there in shock, breathing hard while trying to figure out what she was up to and why she was dressed up like a nurse. She’d amassed a number of interesting skills over the millennia, but parading herself as a healthcare worker was downright illegal ~ wasn’t it?

Nearly lost to his thoughts, he looked to the doorway when a sudden movement caught his eye. Huddled around outside his room, whispering conspiratorially as they peered in at him, were a number of what he presumed to be nurses and doctors - actual nurses and doctors. He couldn’t say if any of the onlookers would do anything for him, seeing as how they’d allowed Celestia to wrap him up like a mummy, but that wasn’t going to stop him from trying to go get some help.

“Hey,” he hissed, keeping his voice low. “Come and get me out of this thing…”

One intrepid soul, a young stallion clad in scrubs, crept in and was swiftly stopped by one of his coworkers. Yeah, he was screwed. His best guess was that Celestia had put herself in charge of his care, throwing her imperial weight around to assure nopony laid a finger on him other than herself, and he didn’t have the authority or bits to easily change their minds.

Looking dead at the little crowd, he mouthed a single word. ‘Please…’

Some of the staff members appeared to pity him, bearing concerned expressions while they shook their heads, but others, namely a few stallions, looked upon him with contempt. He could see why a few of the guys would be envious, wishing to be doted on by an alicorn, yet this wasn’t the opening act of some smutty film - moreover, there was nothing sexy about his situation in the slightest. Flopping his head onto the flat, uncomfortable pillows, he slowly exhaled.

Celestia was clearly planning on doing something with him or to him, but he couldn’t fathom what it could be. Logically speaking, he didn’t have anything to worry about. She’d never once done anything to intentionally harm him, actually saving him from several inadvertent calamities in the past, so he shouldn’t have been concerned - still, his intuition told him that he was in trouble.

He slowed his breathing as he replayed his brief interaction with her in his mind. She hadn’t been acting all that differently from usual - sure, she had the attire and demeanor of a nurse, but her playing pretend wasn’t anything that out of the ordinary, but there’d been something she’d said that made him anxious. A lesson - she said she was going to teach him a lesson, and he doubted having his chest exposed to the air was all that was involved with it.

The hospital personnel scattered like leaves in the wind, rushing back to their posts, seconds before he heard a squeaking sound. Looking to the doorway, wondering what in the hell he was hearing, he balked when Celestia pushed a wheeled cart into his room. The cheerful look on her face contrasted sharply against the unfamiliar device and heaps of wires she’d fetched, doing nothing to calm him.

Resting the cart at his beside, she lifted and inspected two of the leads. “Let’s see here…”

“Do you even know what you’re doing?” he grumbled.

“I received my medical license with a dual specialty in nephrology and gerontology from the University of Trottingham - granted, that was a few hundred years ago, but it’s still valid,” she responded. “Here we are!”

Turning to face him, she bent at the waist and affixed a little rubberized pad to his chest, then a second, third, and fourth, until no fewer than a half dozen of the things were plastered to his torso. After plugging the machine in, ignoring the bewildered look on his face, she pressed a button on the contraption and powered it on. It only took him a second to put the pieces together, listening to a soft beeping that coincided with his heartbeat, while a faint glow surrounded her horn.

“Now then,” she purred, magically closing and locking the door, “let’s try this again. Were you looking at my butt before your little accident?”

Vehemently shaking his head, he locked eyes with her. Although he didn’t know what she’d do if he confessed what had actually happened, that he’d been hospitalized purely because he’d been enthralled by her booty, no good would come from telling her the truth. She smirked as she wheeled away from him and drew the curtain of the window shut with her magic.

“Last chance…” she sang.

Beep………………Beep………………Beep

Nope, it didn’t matter what sort of game she was playing, he wasn’t going to spill the beans. She was a handful on the best of days, often dragging him along to pursue whatever harebrained schemes she cooked up, and he knew - knew that she’d tease him relentlessly if she figured out he had a particular fondness of her backside. Wrinkling his nose, he gave a petulant snort.

She shrugged and ran her hands down her sides. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you…”

As she leaned forward, the fabric of her skirt rode up the back of her thighs. The difference in hue between the fabric and her creamy coat was subtle, so subtle that it would have been hard to tell where the garment ended and her fur began in a dimly lit room, yet the shameless display was provocative all the same. Just as he found enough willpower to avert his gaze, a hint of something turquoise made him falter.

Beep………Beep………Beep

Swinging her arms back and keeping her ass leveled at him, she pulled the cloth upward further still. “Do you like them? I picked them out just for you…”

His jaw hung open, his eyes went wide, and the plaster over his nethers became incredibly uncomfortable as he was given an immaculate view of her panties. The soft blue and white stripes of her simple undergarment were amazing, hugging the curve of her buns and nestled perfectly against the underside of her rear, and the fact that she’d expressly picked them out for him made the view all the sweeter. Either she’d made a damn lucky guess or she’d somehow figured out he was a fan of hot mares in plain undies, because she’d really hit the nail on the head.

“I do so love modern materials,” she giggled. “Back in my day, when everything was either cotton or wool, I’d never be able to do this…”

Pinching the waistband of her panties, the part right below her dock, she pulled on the fabric. Like a magician’s disappearing act, the undergarment sank into the cleft of her rump. With his mouth watering and certain parts of him doing their damnedest to break through the cast, he gnawed his bottom lip when she shuffled backward toward him.

Beep…Beep…Beep

Lowering her hand and grabbing her ankles, she swayed her hips from side to side. “Would you like to touch it?”

“Y…y…” he croaked while his id waged war with his ego.

She smiled and inched nearer. “They’re quite soft…”

Battling against his inner, sexual demons, he shook his head to dislodge the sinfully unwanted thoughts accosting him. What was he doing?! He’d nearly told her that he wanted to touch her butt - to make matters worse, he’d tried to touch her butt! Flexing his arm and remembering that he couldn’t move, he took some solace from the fact that his body couldn’t betray him - or so he thought.

“Since you’re in that dreadful little cast, there’s only one part of you that could feel how lovely they are - you know, the same part that was entombed in my fat, sumptuous derriere…” she purred.

BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep

The mere thought of reliving the accident, of having his face planted between her cheeks, was enough to break him. He didn’t want to touch her, he had no desire to do anything obscene with her - no, he yearned to be with her. All of his time at her side, looking after her and keeping her out of trouble, had built an admiration and a longing to be more than friends with her, although it wasn’t until that moment that he truly understood it.

“C…Celestia,” he whispered, “I -”

The door burst open and a stallion ran to his side. “Damn it, you’re going to kill him!”

Celestia smoothly rose, trotted past the frantic physician, and stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. “Next time, simply ask…”

He wasn’t sure if her escapade as a nurse qualified as her trying out a new job or not, though that was of little consequence. She had in fact taught him a lesson, revealing a truth that he’d been suppressing for far, far too long, and it shook the foundation of who he was and what he was doing with his life. Seeing her turn away and proceed to the exit, he summoned his courage.

“Wait,” he cried. As she looked back at him, he met her gaze. “I…I…”

Peaking a brow, she studied him. “Yes?”

“I’ll…” he gulped as his confidence waned. “I’ll do better from now on, I promise.”

With a smile that met her eyes, she dipped her head. “That’s all I ask, Anon…”

He let the doctor check on him as Celestia departed. Though he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it, to admit about how his feelings for her had started to bloom, he’d spoken from the heart. It may not have been today, and it may not be a week from now, but he would open up and tell her how much she meant to him…
> Keep it Moving
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yup,” Anon shouted, keeping his right arm extended to his side while he waved with his left, “keep it moving.”

With cars and trucks creeping by him, he wiped his brow and smiled. His recovery at Manehattan General Hospital had been brief, only a single day after being unceremoniously squashed by an ex-Princess, although things hadn’t been the same since he’d gotten out and returned to the hotel with Celestia. While his body was more or less uninjured, excluding a few bruises, his mind was another case entirely.

The honk of a horn tore him back to the present and sent him stepping back as a big rig rushed by him. Damn it - what was wrong with him? Not only had Celestia been on his mind since he’d nearly confessed his feelings for her, but the revelation that he would honestly like to date her, bringing their friendship to the next level, was torturous. Looking to the other side of the sprawling intersection, he sighed when he spotted her.

Larger than life and wearing the same uniform as him, a navy blue shirt, pants, and a reflective vest, she scanned the flow of traffic and fanned her face. No matter what she was doing or what she was wearing, she was a sight to behold - hell, he wouldn’t have been shocked if she could make a trash collector’s outfit look good! As her eyes swept over to him, he turned away.

This was the last place in the world to get distracted. In an ironic twist of fate, shortly after he’d been discharged, he’d gotten word that the highrise Celestia had razed was back under development. While she’d been tactfully informed that her services would no longer be needed on the job site itself, she was offered employment directing vehicles around the construction zone.

Acting as a glorified crossing guard wasn’t the hardest job in the world, but both Celestia and himself had to be vigilant. With plenty of ponies out and about, both on foot and driving, there was a lot of traffic - pair that with concrete trucks, shipments of supplies, and the heavy machinery in the area, things were even more hectic than usual. Risking a glance over at her, he found her staring dead at him.

While his initial thought was that something was wrong, that perhaps his shirt wasn’t tucked or he’d gotten some mud on himself, he knew that wasn’t the case. Looking himself over to ensure he was as presentable as possible, he frowned. His shirt and slacks were pressed, he only had a slight bit of road dust around his ankles, and it didn’t appear as though there was an issue with his attire, so there had to be some other reason she was fixating so hard on him.

He told himself that he didn’t need to speak with her, that bothering her wouldn’t do either of them any good, but he couldn’t help himself. If she had something to say, he wanted to hear it. Walking over a dual set of train tracks that split the busy avenue, he came to a halt before her and placed his hands on his hips.

With an unreadable expression, she peered down at him. “Is something the matter?”

“I should be asking you that,” he countered.

He liked to think he’d been around her for long enough to realize when something was amiss, and something was definitely off. Ever since that morning, once he’d gotten dressed in his snappy, well-fitting duds, she’d been acting strangely. She wasn’t acting much differently than normal, being far more excited about waving cars around than she had any right to be, but he had a hunch that something was up.

“Is this about your lesson?” he moaned, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand while air-quoting with the other.

Waiting far too long for a reply, he peeked upward. Her reaction was nothing short of bizarre - to the point where he didn’t know what to make of it. With a slight rosiness in her cheeks and silly little smirk on her muzzle, she flinched when he looked up at her. Assuming the heat had gotten to her, he crossed to a cooler they’d been given, squatted down, and snatched up two cold bottles of water.

It was a particularly balmy day, and the pavement they were standing on served as a heater, so staying hydrated and avoiding heat stroke was yet another thing they’d need to be mindful of. As he stood and tossed her a drink, his concern mounted. The bottle bounced off her chest and landed at her feet, almost like she hadn’t seen it, while a strand of drool dangled from her chin.

“Um ~ what…what are you doing?” he asked as she strode over to him.

Lowering a hand, she caressed his chest and gave a low, almost sensual moan. What the fuck was going on?! He hadn’t done anything even remotely sexy - on top of that, never once, not a single instance throughout their time together, had she touched him in such an amorous fashion. As he stared up at her face, a startling realization dawned on him.

The ambient temperature and the blazing sun weren’t what had Celestia a little hot under the collar - he was. In utter disbelief, he backed away, spun around, and inspected himself. Was she into guys in uniform? Had seeing him work turned her on somehow? Was she suffering from a different type of heat? The notion of having to deal with an aroused demigod was both electrifying and frightening, but he was given no time to dwell on it.

“Hey!” a gruff voice barked.

Twisting and looking back as a dump truck rolled up beside him, Anon shielded his eyes from the sun. “Yeah?”

“You mind doing your job so I can back this in?” the driver growled.

“Right, yeah, s…sorry about that,” Anon quickly apologized, jogging away and to the back of the massive vehicle.

Stopping a line of cars and gesturing for the truck to safely back up, he took a moment to collect his thoughts. Irrespective of the hormones that may or may not be coursing through Celestia’s carefree brain, he could potentially use her interest in him to his advantage. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade - if you discover you’ve unwittingly made your friend, the very friend you really wouldn’t mind dating, horny, fan the flames.

As idiotic as it may have sounded, trying to get her stirred up could work in his favor. For starters, it would be nice to turn the tables on her and get her flustered for a change - furthermore, if he played his cards right, he might just get emboldened enough to come clean and broach the subject of romance with her. Tending to his duties and sauntering back to his post, he grinned to himself. His hastily-laid scheme may well end in disaster and a shattered pelvis, but it was too juicy to pass up.

“On your left!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, cupping a hand to his mouth as he shifted to face her.

The bicycle approaching her from behind wasn’t even close to her, yet his warning served its purpose. After she glanced over her shoulder then back over to him, he struck. While he was about as far from an erotic dancer as a guy could be, that didn’t mean he couldn’t give her a little performance. Walking two fingers down his collar, he popped the top button open to reveal his upper chest.

Though he wanted to look at her, to see her reaction, he continued his subtle display without paying her any mind. Opening his shirt a bit was just the start - now that that was out of the way, he could get to the main part of his act. He tilted his head back as he uncapped his bottle he’d grabbed, brought it up to his face, and poured it over himself.

The cool water was refreshing as all get-out, seeping into his attire and washing away the sweat on his brow, and it was the best he could do outside of stripping. Throwing his head from side to side while picturing himself as some hot-shot model, he put on his most becoming smile and shot her his best come hither look. The good news was that his plan had clearly worked - the bad news was that it worked a little too well.

With her mouth agape, pupils dilated, and nostrils flared, Celestia gawked at him like he was like he was the hottest thing she’d ever seen. Drivers idled past her, jockeying for positions as they came or went, though she paid them little mind. Judging by the redness in her face, a pair of prominent points protruding through her top, and the way she was grinding her thighs together, he wasn’t the only one who’d ended up drenched.

Zipping past him and shaking a fist, a scooter-bound pony shook his fist at him. “Watch it, asshole!”

Right, the job. Addressing the task at hand, the one that was currently paying him and preventing a pileup, he signaled to one growing line of vehicles. Messing with Celestia was all well and good, especially after the last couple of incidents with her, although it wasn’t worth getting fired or, heaven forbid, somepony getting into a fender bender. He swept one arm from his left to his right, freeing up what had been some congestion, before he peeked in her direction again.

To his chagrin, Celestia was gone - just gone. It should have been impossible for a pony of her size to simply go missing, yet she was nowhere to be seen. As he scratched his chin and turned in place, what could only be a huge hand snaked up his back and over one shoulder. Turning and looking back, he felt his blood run cold.

“I’d be very, very careful if I was you,” Celestia whispered as she leaned in and brought her muzzle to the side of his head.

While he was justifiably scared that she’d managed to sneak up behind him and give him a warning, he bit back his fear. “And why’s that?”

She rose to her full height in a blink, brushed him off, and gave him a little pat on the head. “Because I wouldn’t want you to get hurt, silly! I’ll be back over there if you need me!”

Her menacing aura evaporated as quickly as he’d sensed it, making him question if he’d imagined it in the first place. Practically skipping away from him, using her wings and arms to start or stop vehicles and pedestrians, she was back to her happy-go-lucky self. He watched her until she’d returned to her post, standing at the opposite corner of the crossroads, and pursed his lips.

He couldn’t have dreamt that up ~ could he? She really had been ogling him ~ right? Rubbing one temple, he stepped back to let a bulldozer slowly roll by. While he didn’t regret teasing her, it really wasn’t the time nor place to ruffle her feathers. Content to the impulsive moment behind him, he kept a watchful eye on the intersection.

“On your right!” Celestia bellowed, prompting him to turn.

Throwing up a hand, he stopped a car that had nearly cut in front of an oncoming semi. “Thanks!”

This was harder than it looked. Even when he was concentrating, keeping tabs of everything that was going on wasn’t easy. Equestria might not have been on the same technological level as the Earth he’d grown up in, but that didn’t mean the muscle cars, industrial equipment, and trains that were around couldn’t hurt or kill somepony - including himself.

Shying back and closer to the curb, he lifted a hand and shifted to face Celestia. “Thanks ag…”

He croaked and sputtered, his mouth paradoxically going drier than the Sahara and watering at the same time when he saw her. Having unbuttoned not one but two buttons on her blouse, she bit the knuckle of one finger and batted her eyes at him. In that instant, the reality of what he’d done came crashing down upon him. His lighthearted attempt to titillate her hadn’t just gotten her a little hot and bothered - it had been the opening shot of a war.

Not to be outdone, he cocked his hips, slipped a thumb under his waistband, and tugged at his pants. A wiser man wouldn’t have reciprocated, but he wasn’t feeling particularly wise at that particular moment. After all the shit she put him through, from flashing herself to nonchalantly strutting around in the buff, she was going to get a taste of her own damn medicine.

His safety vest was the first thing to go, pulled off and thrown beside him, but it was far from the last. He wasn’t about to get naked, but it was understandable that a crossing guard baking in the sun needed a little air. With his shirt fully open and falling to either side of his chest, he struck a dramatic pose while pointing a taxi to move along.

Celestia reeled back as if stricken by the view of his bare chest and abdomen. She’d been around him while he was wearing less, although that was when he wasn’t trying to entice her. Feeling like he had her on the ropes, he leaned back as far as he could without losing balance, drew a hand over his pecks, and winked at her.

Her wings shot out to either side of her, sparks crackled from her horn, and her cheeks glowed crimson. His common sense pleaded for him to stop, informing him his unimpressive physique wouldn’t withstand the carnal might of an alicorn, yet the thrill of wooing her, of grasping he held some sway over her, was intoxicating. With his thumb situated directly over his fly, he rolled his hips back, tensed his legs, and prepared to land a fatal blow.

No sooner did he give a pelvic thrust than everything went to hell. Celestia’s awestruck expression was gone - replaced by a look he could only describe as total focus. Dropping to one knee and placing her palms against the blacktop, she launched herself at him like a bullet. He went to brace himself, cursing his hubris for whatever she was about to do to him, but the reaction time of a mortal meant nothing compared to her unimaginable speed.

She was a literal blur, flitting behind him and snaring him in an embrace. Held tightly to her bosom, he lurched forward when there was an explosion that sent bits of metal and glass flying past him. Ponies screamed, there was a terrible racket, and horns blared - still, despite the pandemonium all around him, Celestia cradled him in her unshakable grasp.

“Sweet Tartarus!” somepony bleated.

Unfurling herself from Anon, Celestia shrugged off a windshield wiper. “I’m quite alright. Would you be so kind as to alert the authorities?”

Anon blinked and looked around himself, drinking in the mayhem. A bus was at Celestia’s back, its cab dented and driven inwards, and it was plain to see that the thing was no longer operational. As she calmly addressed the throng of ponies gathering around her, each checking to see if she was wounded, he finally grasped what she’d done.

“Y…you saved me,” he stammered, understanding that, without her intervention, he would have just been hit by the bus.

Shuffling to his side, wholly uninjured, she flashed a smile at him. “I did tell you to be careful ~ didn’t I?”

His heart raced, his breaths came quick and shallow, and everything sounded muffled, yet he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was the vision of an angel, magnificent, graceful, and gracious in every way, and there wasn’t a creature on the planet who’d met her who could say otherwise. Though it was foolish - no, beyond foolish to think that he could ever have her, he had to find a way to win her heart…
> Miner Mishap
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ya load - Nnnph - sixteen tons - Huff - what do you get? Another day older and - Hah - deeper in debt…” Celestia sang as swung her pick-axe.

Anon stood well clear of the living, breathing excavator that was the alicorn. He’d had his reservations about taking up work in a mine, but he’d changed his mind as soon as he’d discovered just how incredibly industrious Celestia could be. Within a day, she was doing the work of an entire team - after a week, learning the ropes and becoming more familiar with the routine, she was doing the lion’s share for an entire shift by herself.

Management didn’t know that the sedulous mare was handling most of the hollowing out the mountain nearly by her lonesome, with her coworkers dealing with the relatively easy task of loading and moving carts of material to and from the shafts, and it was going to stay that way. Celestia didn’t mind the backbreaking labor, starting and finishing every day with a smile on her face, and the other miners sure as shit weren’t going to complain about not having to wear themselves ragged. Keeping a torch leveled at the wall the titan was cleaving through, Anon grinned.

The sound of her lilting voice echoing through the miles of tunnels and shafts was haunting and only punctuated by the Clanging of steel against stone. He wouldn’t have thought such a dark, cold, dingy place could hold such beauty - then again, Celestia had that effect wherever she went. She was a gift, a light in the dark, and there wasn’t a pony she’d met who hadn’t been awed by her divine presence.

She stopped mid-swing, illuminated the rock face she’d been carving at, and squinted. “Is that it?”

Leaving his shovel at his feet, Anon stepped over to her side. “I think so. Guys?”

One of the half-dozen stallions idling behind her trotted up to the exposed surface and ran his hand along its rough surface. “Yeah, that’ll do it. Alright, colts, time to earn that paycheck.”

Earn - shit, that was funny. For the better part of a month, the most they’d done was get serenaded, enjoy the spectacle of their regal colleague doing their jobs for them, and load carts. Anon took the pick from her hand and slung it over his shoulder as he shuffled back to give the crew some room.

Celestia followed suit, shying back as the ponies, a group of stallions and mares, began shoveling ore. “Anon, can I have some water?”

“Sure,” he hummed, unclipping a canteen from his belt. After uncapping the bottle, he offered her the bottle. “Better be careful.”

Taking the container from his grasp, she hesitated before taking a drink. “Careful of what?”

“If the ponies in charge figure out what’s going on down here, they’re liable to put you in charge,” he laughed.

It wasn’t hyperbole, she might have actually found her calling with this gig. She hadn’t caused a single problem since she’d started, she’d adjusted to the routine like a fish to water, and the combination of her physical and magical strength made her an absolute machine. Anon had figured she could be one hell of a miner, given that she could do practically anything she put her mind to, but even he was shocked that her true calling may have involved something so illustrious.

She rolled her eyes while helping herself to a long draught, lowered the flask, and wiped her chin. “I’d much rather be down here than in some stuffy office.”

Smiling all the broader, he took the bottle from her hand. “You know, I can appreciate that…”

As if to put her money where her mouth was, she waved the group of stallions and mares aside. “I can do it!”

None of the miners protested, content to let her do their jobs for them. Golden aura scooped up vast armfuls of debris, gathering the loose rock into huge floating bunches, and levitated them to the awaiting, empty minecarts. Nopony would have protested if she let her magic do the dirty work, but that was hardly her style.

Striding to a boulder that couldn’t have weighed less than a half-ton, Celestia squatted down, gripped the massive piece of earth, and heaved. The feat of strength was a wonder to behold, something even most powerlifters would struggle to accomplish, yet she made it look easy. With bulging biceps and a set jaw, she trundled the huge rock to one of the awaiting B-cars.

As he took a sip and savored the indirect kiss, his mind drifted back to stories he’d heard in his youth. John Henry, Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed - there were more folk heroes on Earth than he could shake a stick at, yet he may have been bearing witness to a myth in the making. If she kept this up, and he had no reason to think she wouldn’t, Celestia may just make a new name for herself.

“That should do it!” Celestia chipperly grunted. Dusting her hands and placing them on her hips, she shifted toward Anon. “Quitting time?”

What should have taken hours and hours of toil had been accomplished before everypony should have breaked for lunch - should in that the crew had swiftly accounted for the output of their hulking coworker. Simply put, shortly after trekking down to their assigned shaft, Anon, Celestia, and their teammates whiled away most of their time playing cards, shooting dice, or simply lounging around. The setup would have gotten everypony in trouble, mostly because the upper management wouldn’t look too kindly on paying ponies to fuck around on the clock, but it wasn’t like anypony wanted to go back to the way things had been.

Rolling up his sleeve, Anon turned his wrist to check his watch. “A few minutes early, but we can just take our time getting everything hauled up.”

“Sounds good, little buddy,” she coolly replied.

Leaning over and clutching the last in what was a string of eight carts, she braced her legs and started to push. Anon had stopped keeping tabs on how much ore she moved, although he had a pretty good idea. Each cart could carry approximately a ton, and there were ten of the things strung together, so it wasn’t rocket science. While there was a perfectly functional wench system in place, she’d only used the damn thing once - on her very first foray into the depths.

He trailed along behind her, eyeing her back and marveled at the sight. The whole of the mine was pretty dark, only lit by lamps hung from support beams, yet the gloom made her appear all the more incredible. The muscles about her titanic frame bunched and contracted with her every step, a testament to how mighty she was without her magic, and didn’t complain in the slightest from the exertion.

The gang only slowed when they reached the surface, shielding their eyes from the setting sun that bathed them in light. Most of the ponies dispersed, happy for the fresh air and a chance to warm themselves, yet Anon lingered. While mining was an underappreciated, dirty, and even dangerous profession, he’d found a guilty pleasure in it.

Running a forearm over her face, Celestia straightened up and rested her tush against the B-Car. “Not too bad, if I do say so myself.”

Anon nodded while looking her over. He’d been a bit stunned to learn how archaic Equestria’s mining practices were, simply giving their workers simple hand tools and a paycheck, but they came with one small benefit. Since there were no uniforms or related attire for the work, he and Celestia had been left to choose clothing they thought was suitable.

While he’d picked up some heavy canvas shirts and slacks for himself, as well as some sturdy boots, Celestia’s apparel was slightly more questionable. Adorned in not but a pair of overalls and boots, her outfit constantly ran the risk of letting something slip - a fact that she was wholly unbothered by.

Had he not known better, he would have thought he was looking at a gargantuan, jet-black giantess. Any trace of white on her exposed fur was covered in coal dust, as were two particular hairless patches on her chest, making her look like a jumbo version of her sister - well, excluding the eyes, mane and tail. Seeing her glance behind herself, in the direction of the office building sat beside a set of train tracks, and surreptitiously wave him over, he peaked a brow.

“What’s up?” he asked, unsure if he should be worried.

She kept her eyes on the buildings for a minute, clearly looking for something or someone, then bent over and brought her muzzle to his ear. “Wanna do something fun?”

He knew she’d said something, but the view of her bosoms made it hard to think of anything other than burying his face in her cleavage. Slick with sweat and dark as midnight, her udder-like breasts were so close he could feel the heat radiating off of them. Calling upon his willpower, he steeled his resolve and wrenched his mind from the lecherous morass it was sinking into.

“Like what?” he whispered, twisting his head to peek up at her face.

A mischievous smirk graced her muzzle as her eyes shot to one of the carts. “After we empty those, let's go for a ride.”

“Celestia,” he groused, “that’s a terrible idea.”

A wounded look instantly crossed her angelic, pitch-colored face. “Why? Everypony’s about to -”

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

She turned and motioned at the nearby horn after it had finished blaring. “See! Everypony’s going home for the night, we’ll have the mine to ourselves, and it’s not like we could do any damage.”

Ignoring Equestria’s lack of safety standards, the lax supervisory staff, and that she’d made several good points, he wasn’t completely sold with the notion of living out a skit from a cartoon show. It was true that she was more than capable of protecting him, both with her body and by arcane means, but shitting his pants while zipping through a series of tunnels could cause issues. Getting caught, breaking something, or making a mess would end with them getting berated at best and fired at worst - bearing that in mind, particularly because things had been going so well for them, he was going to put his foot down.

“Come ooooooooon,” she softly urged while fanning the bib of her overalls.

“I…” Anon stopped himself when a thought occurred.

The minecarts were pretty small, barely big enough to fit two ponies, and they hadn’t been designed to comfortably fit a mare of Celestia’s immense proportions. She’d have to squeeze herself into one of the damn things with her legs tucked up and staying hunched over, but that turned what would have been a terrible idea into an amazing idea. If he was going to cater to her child-like compulsions, there was only one way he was going to do it.

Containing himself, he backed away from her. “Can I sit with you?”

Her eyes lit up and she emphatically nodded. “Of course! You didn’t think I’d have you all by yourself ~ did you?”

He snickered and shook his head, both amused by her reaction and slightly ashamed of what he’d just signed himself up for. “Maybe?”

“Anon, while I doubt anything bad will happen, I’d much rather keep you close,” she tutted. “After what happened in Manehattan, I’m not running any risks with you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he hummed, grinning as she tousled his hair. “If we move slow enough offloading these, everypony should be done by the time we’re finished.”

Giving him a firm nod, and moving a bit too quickly for his liking, she shifted and crossed to one of the carts. The easiest way to handle emptying the cars would be to simply kick the locking lever and turn them on their side, allowing the bucket to swing and dump loads with next to zero effort, although that would put a kink in their little scheme. Tossing rocks down the slope and to the heaped mass of coal to be processed, they put themselves to work.

By the time they were done, the sun had set, the site was as quiet as a grave, and the crews had all departed. Once he’d knelt down and decoupled the last cart from the string, he got to his feet. He hadn’t planned on finishing his day with something so spontaneous, but the notion of going on a wild ride with Celestia was pretty compelling.

Leaping into the emptied cart, Celestia tucked her legs up and patted the sliver of space between her thighs. “Room for one more!”

He kept quiet as he climbed in and on top of her. There wasn’t nearly enough room for the two of them - then again, that’s what had ultimately inspired him to oblige her. Effectively seated on her lap, with his legs situated between her thighs, he eased his head against her bust and grabbed the car’s sides.

Luxurious carriages, sporty wagons, opulent airships - screw that. Having a heaving pair of sweater puppies as a pillow was where it was really at. Feeling her body heat seeping through his clothes, he peeked up and back at her while giving a thumbs up. As she wrapped one arm around his chest and held him to herself, she reached over and flipped the brake lever.

They started slowly, lazily rolling forward while impelled by her magic, but it didn’t stay that way for long. Reaching and rolling down the mineshaft, the cart picked up speed at a staggering pace. Flying by lamps in a blur, he held onto the cart for dear life.

“Woo-hoo!” Celestia shouted while keeping her chin on his head.

Was it fun? Yes, of course it was fun, but the scariest way possible. This wasn’t a roller coaster, a ride engineered with safety in mind, and Anon immediately realized his hesitation had been well-warranted. Feeling his heart hammering away in his chest, he instinctively leaned to one side to keep the car from tipping over in a steep curve.

“I…I don’t know about this,” he rasped, his voice barely audible over the whipping wind.

“It’s fine,” Celestia yelled. “Just enjoy yourself! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Anon winced when a thunderous crack and splinters of wood shot through the air. As he looked up, wondering what in the hell had happened, his blood ran cold. Feeling comfortable enough to release him, Celestia had thrown her arms to her sides in jubilation. Seeing her so overjoyed would have been heartwarming, but there was a problem - she was shattering every support beam they zipped by.

“C…Celestia,” he shouted. Failing to get her attention, he reached up and grabbed her face. “Celestia!”

“What’s - oh dear,” she gulped, only then understanding the devastation she’d been reaping.

Fully prepared to plead for his life, Anon blinked and found himself held in her arms outside of the mine. She’d teleported them to safety with but a thought, far and away from the deathtrap they’d been sitting in, yet he was given little time to appreciate it. A series of muffled booms and a peculiar rumbling wrenched his attention away from her.

The mountain - the entire mountain, shrank and collapsed in on itself. He’d had some idea that the operation was old, going back a few generations, but he couldn’t have fathomed that a single mishap would demolish the entire network of tunnels! Scrambling out of her clutches, he grabbed the bib of her overalls and hauled her down to his eye level.

“We were never here,” he hissed.

Meeting his gaze, she stiffened. “B…but…”

“We were never here,” he sternly repeated.

Rubbing the back of her neck, she closed her eyes. “I suppose I really should urge Twilight to look into how hazardous some of these job sites can be.”

Listening to another series of detonations, likely caused by one of the many dynamite stashes throughout the complex, Anon nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably the best idea you’ve had all day…”

If they wanted to avoid a hefty civil suit or criminal charges, he was going to have to cook up an alibi and coach her with it before the night was out. His expression softened the second he saw the crestfallen look on her face. It was probably for the best that things had turned out the way they had, but there’d still be a headache to deal with - mostly because he knew good and damned well that she was going to make sure the workers didn’t lose out from a lack of work. As he took her hand, she gave him a nervous smile. At the end of the day, after everything was said and done, she still had him to kick around, and that’s all he cared about…
> Broad at the Beam
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“As you’ve probably heard, the Maresashi is the newest Ponymoto class dreadnought in the Equestrian fleet,” Celestia loudly and quite proudly announced as she led a tour group up to the vessel’s prow. “With a primary armament consisting of a trio of type ninety-six three-gun turrets, a mixture of two-dozen smaller caliber cannons, and an equal number of anti-air emplacements, she could and in all likelihood would dominate any naval engagement she found herself in.”

Seeing her glance over at him, Anon raised his hand at the subtle cue. “What about her sister ship?”

“Thank you, Anon,” Celestia noted with a curt nod. Turning and sweeping an outstretched arm across the bay, she motioned to an equally gargantuan vessel in the distance. “The Shirenano is equally well-armed, although she has slightly lighter armor and was designed for coastal bombardments.”

Anon smiled as the bustling ponies marveled at the feat of naval engineering. The salty air, the cloudless sky overhead, and sound of gulls circling in the heavens was a pleasant departure, yet his surroundings were only a part of what had him in such a fantastic mood. Celestia had done it, she’d actually found a job that involved ponies who were more interested in what she was talking about than her herself, and he was immeasurably relieved because of it.

Her job was as simple as simple could be, merely speaking highly of the Equestrian navy and periodically giving tours of vessels in port. Change of pace was nice for a number of reasons, and he would have loved it himself, although he had troubles of his own to contend with. Being constantly in her company, regardless of what she was doing, was making it harder and harder to ignore his feelings for her. As she looked over the dispersing crowd, the little groups or individuals wandering about to snap pictures, her eyes met his.

Seeing an opening, he weaved through the small throng and up to the towering alicorn’s side. “Having fun?”

Celestia nodded while she shifted and gazed up at the ship’s gargantuan cannons and bristling gun emplacements. “Oh absolutely! It’s been so, so long since I was in command of a vessel - even then, it was nothing as indomitable as the Maresashi.”

Following her gaze, he shielded his eyes and looked back at the devastating array of weaponry. She wasn’t technically in command of anything other than the ship’s visitors, having taken it upon herself to act as a chaperone for visitors, although that hadn’t stopped her from donning yet another uniform he hadn’t known she owned. The pressed suit, shined shoes, a host of metals pinned over her left breast, and her bucket cover, what she’d called her hat, looked quite dashing on her and, most importantly, were remarkably conservative.

“I gotta ask,” he chuckled, shifting to face her, “so are these really needed - like actually needed?”

Tilting her head, she gazed down at him. “What do you mean?”

“All this,” he clarified as he waved at the arsenal at his back. “When was the last time Equestria was involved in a large-scale conflict?”

She tapped her chin and turned her eyes up at the sky, deep in thought. “There were a number of sorties with the Griffon Empire half a millennia ago.”

“Exactly,” he triumphantly but somewhat softly exclaimed. “I don’t think there’s been a legitimate war in generations! Virtually everypony on the planet, pony or otherwise, gets along pretty well - plus Equestia has you, your sister, Cadance, and Twilight sparkle protecting it! Even if somepony was insane enough to become hostile, there’s no way in hell they’d get very far.”

“Anon, Luna and I are retired,” she clucked as she folded her arms beneath her mountainous bust.

“That’s a load of bull and you know it,” he huffed. “You two might be retired, but we both know you’d jump in if shit hit the fan - which is a big, big if…”

Turning her nose up, she gave a small, petulant snort. “I’ll have you know, vessels like these are good for more than just battle. Hundreds of ponies rely on the work these ships provide, the research and development divisions of the navy have brought great progress to metallurgy and engineering fields, and they’re a show of Equestrian might.”

He lifted a finger to protest, but she’d made a good point. Ponies needed jobs, acting as a global presence did come with benefits, and it didn’t hurt to flex and show the world what you were capable of as a nation. As he lowered his hand, another topic came to mind.

“So what’d you do before all this modern stuff?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“More often than not, my sister and I would show up and attempt to broker peace with whoever or whatever we were at odds with,” she coolly replied.

Giving her a moment to continue, but seeing her briefly pose for a photo, he grimaced. “And if peace didn’t work…?”

“A display of force was usually enough to make them change their minds,” she murmured.

A cold chill shrieked through him as she spoke. Her pleasant demeanor and warm smile stood in stark contrast to the incalculable might she wielded - he’d know, he’d seen it first hand more times than he would have liked. Happy to let the matter lie, he idly looked out over the glimmering sea and sighed.

“Like what?” somepony asked.

Anon turned as a pit formed in his stomach. Unbeknownst to him, several of the tourists had apparently been watching and eavesdropping on the exchange. Going to intervene, to pull something out of his ass and prevent Celestia from giving an answer, he was a split second too late.

Inserting herself between him and the gaggle of ponies, Celestia dismissively waved a hand. “Really, it was nothing. A large blast of magic or sinking a few ships could and often would be enough to get the job done. We always made sure not to severely hurt anypony in the process, although it was unavoidable that there were some minor casualties.”

“What kind of spell did you use?”

“That’s so cool! Did you ever blow up any boats?”

“Have you or Luna ever taken out an entire armada by yourselves?”

Celestia blushed as she was suddenly peppered with questions. While she was typically demure and modest, even under circumstances that called for the contrary, it was clear that the attention from the awestricken ponies was having an effect. Taking a small step back from the encroaching hoard, she held her hands up.

“On at a time, please,” she coyly stated. “I used to use a number of spells to demonstrate just how potent alicorn magic can be. I lost track of how many vessels I’ve personally sunk, but it’s somewhere in the dozens. Only on one occasion, but I’d prefer not to discuss it.”

“Alrighty!” Anon chirped, trying to steal the group’s focus from the former Princess to himself. “Lunch will be served in the galley soon, so why don’t we -”

“Do you think you could take on a ship like the Maresashi?” a small colt inquired, cutting him off as he tottered over and tugged on Celestia’s pant leg.

“I…” Celestia faltered, looking between the young pony and back at the emplacements behind her. “That’s actually hard to say. The Ponymoto class dreadnoughts are top of the line in both offensive and defensive capabilities.”

The colt scrunch his snout. “So you couldn’t? What if somepony bad steals one and tries to get you with it?”

Standing motionless for a long, silent moment, Celestia smirked and tousled the colt’s mane. “There’s only one way to find out. Anon, be a dear and keep an eye on everypony for a moment.”

“What are you up to,” Anon muttered as she marched past him toward the superstructure.

“Don’t be such a worry-wart,” she glibly laughed.

Her attempt to calm him was anything but reassuring. As badly as he wanted to follow her and demand to know what she was up to, he couldn’t for a number of reasons. The tourists were on a functional warship, there was nearly a two-story drop from the deck to the water, and there were a number of fillies and colts scampering around - in short, he couldn’t leave the visitors unattended. Hastily pulling a flier from his pocket, he did the only things he could think to do - read off facts about the Maresashi and keep his fingers crossed that Celestia wasn’t about to do something stupid.

The tourists were all well behaved, content to listen to him drone on about where the vessel was christened, its build time, and how it was actually a joint-project with the hippogriff nation, although they didn’t stay that way for long. After no more than a handful of minutes, he was interrupted by a deafening horn from near the bridge. Covering his ears, he felt the deck shift beneath his feet.

Pop

“Everypony,” Celestia blared as she appeared and with the ominous siren going silent, “I’d ask that you all make your way to the midship and either kneel or sit down.”

The ponies in attendance excitedly whispered amongst themselves as they followed her order and started shuffling away from the bow. Anon remained where he stood, debilitated by an unshakable unease. Whatever Celestia had done, he knew it wasn’t anything good in a conventional sense.

Walking up to the knee-high guardrail, Celestia peeked back at him. “You too, Anon.”

“No,” he grunted. Marching up to her side, he flinched when the horn sounded again. “Celestia, what did you do?”

She kept her eyes on the horizon and leaned forward. “Field trial.”

“Field…” The words died in his throat when he noticed the Shirenano’s cannons ponderously turning in their direction. “Are you fucking kidding me?!?”

“Language,” she tutted. “Anon, do you really think I’d do anything to put the sailors and our guests in any danger?”

“I…b…but…” he stammered as the blood drained from his face.

“The aegis wards on the Maresashi are rated to withstand destructive energies that, if Twilight is correct, are on par with anything Tirek could use when he was at full-power,” she continued. “If I can’t stop a full barrage, her shielding will keep everypony safe.”

He shied back as her horn crackled to life. “A…and you’re sure about that?”

Winking over at him, she outstretched her wings. “Quite certain - if anything you should be more worried about the Shirenano. The wards protecting her aren’t quite as robust as those on this ship, but I’ll be sure to dial it back just a touch…”

“Dial - Oh shit!” he squawked and stumbled back as nine distinct flashes from the sister ship’s main batteries.

Equestria’s technological development diverged from Earth’s in a number of ways. While the ponies had lacked in some areas, like their persistence with steam power and the recent advent of internal combustion engines, they’d excelled in others - namely in weaponry. Seeing the royal guard with swords, shields, and polearms could be intimidating, but that paled in comparison to their most ruinous armaments.

An ennead of prismatic beams lanced through the air and upset the water as they hurtled in his direction with blistering speed. The Shirenano hadn’t fired a single volley, they’d let loose a full broadside. He’d heard about the time when Twilight and Tirek pitted themselves against one another and decimated a portion of the countryside outside of Ponyville, but he’d never wanted to witness, much less be the target of such a cataclysmic attack. Praying that Celestia’s confidence wasn’t misplaced, he watched her tense.

The blasts impacted against an invisible wall and dispersed in a dizzying array of colors. The sight was awe-inspiring, beautiful, and alarming in equal measure, evoking a sense of wonderment and immeasurable terror within him. Once again, for the umpteenth time in recent memory, Celestia had proven herself to be a cheerful armageddon on legs, but the show wasn’t over not by a long shot.

“My turn,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the sound of roiling waves and the water boiling around the prow of the vessel.

The shots from the Shirenano had been practically blinding, but they were a dim flash contrasted to the full-fury of the onslaught Celestia unleashed. All sound and light was consumed by the brilliant sliver of energy that raced to meet the imposing warship floating at the mouth of the bay. He blinked, his mind trying desperately to comprehend what he was seeing, and the blow struck.

There was no explosion, rippling of magical shields, or anything theatrical whatsoever - the prow of the Shirenano simply vanished. Like a hot knife through butter, either bypassing or piercing the immense ship’s barriers with ease, Celestia’s assault had perfectly vaporized what looked to be a dozen feet of wood and steel. Hearing claxons sound and spotting several small fires on the deck of the dreadnought, Anon inched forward then fell back when a second sun blossomed at the horizon.

“Huh,” Celestia grunted, dusting her hands and spinning on one heel. “I’m sure Twilight will be crushed to hear that her wards and enchantments aren’t quite as robust as she’d thought…”

Anon stepped back, completely dumbfounded, and peered up at Celestia as she strutted by. “A…are they gonna be ok?”

“She’s in no danger of sinking, and I made sure to radio over and have the crew move to the aft, so I’m sure everything will be fine,” she hummed. “You might want to cover your ears.”

Peaking a brow, he subconsciously lifted his hands to the sides of his head. “Cover my ears for -”

A furious roar and shockwave of pressure nearly knocked him off his feet as the earth-shattering aftermath of her fury finally hit the Maresashi. Waves crashed against the hull, the vessel swayed from side to side, and several of the onlookers had to keep themselves from falling. Anypony within the proximity of the detonation would have more than likely been erased from existence, but she’d made her point and proven that even the most advanced forms of applied science couldn’t hold a candle to her unfathomable power.

“I trust everypony is entertained?” she cheered.

Much to Anon’s surprise, not a single member of the group appeared dismayed - on the contrary, they were all elated. Each and every pony present whooped and clapped for the ex-Princess. The corners of his lips turned up, he shook his head, and he chuckled to himself. While she’d probably just caused a small fortune’s worth of damage, and would probably get a curt dressing-down from the admiralty and Twilight, the joy on her face was well worth the cost.

“Now who’s ready for that lunch?” she added, leading the way and waving for the tourists to follow. Slowing at an open hatch, she peeked back at Anon. “You coming, Anon?”

Grinning like a fool, Anon jogged over and took his place by her side. “You think they’ve got decent grub?”

“I’ll have a word with the captain if they don’t,” she snickered as she caressed his upper back.

He was both the luckiest and unluckiest guy on the planet, being tasked with assisting a demigod, but he was grateful to be with her. His arm reached out, almost as if it had a mind of its own, and he laced fingers with her. She started and glanced downward before turning and pulling him into the ship. He had no doubt that she’d get in any actual trouble for the little stunt she’d just pulled, although he did wonder if she’d noticed herself blushing when he took her hand…
> Oh Baby
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I really think this is a bad idea,” Anon pouted as he walked alongside Celestia through the suburbs of Canterlot.

Without breaking stride, she adjusted the strap of her shoulder bag. “Might I ask why?”

“Babysitting, seriously?” he lamented. “This is the kind of gig that high schoolers or college students take.”

She slowed, if only just, and cast a questioning look down at him. “Are you saying it’s beneath me?”

“I mean, yeah, it kind of is,” he admitted. “Looking after a bunch of snot-nosed kids or teenagers is a waste of your talent - not to mention how much of a headache it will be.”

“I presume you’re speaking from experience?” she quipped.

Shivering as several memories from a very short-lived stint in childcare reared their head, he nodded. “Actually, yeah. Don’t get me wrong, kids can be great, but that’s if they’ve been raised right and know how to respect adults. For all we know, these little booger-eaters will think they can run amuck as soon as their parents are out the door.”

“Would it shock you to learn that I actually know their parents?” she countered.

He stopped and squinted up at her face. “Wait ~ really?”

“Mm-hmm,” she hummed. “Mrs. Lucerne and Mr. Jimmies, her husband, have been employees of the Canterlot Castle for well over a decade. They’re both ponies of the highest caliber, each being quite polite and courteous, and I’m sure their foals are just as well-mannered as they are.”

While it wasn’t that mind-boggling to think she was familiar with the family they were going to see, not for the least of which reasons being she seemed to know everypony in the capital, her assertion raised a question. Every other job she’d found for herself had been advertised in some way, typically through the classified section of newspapers signage in storefronts, but that was the issue - she’d somehow heard about this gig seemingly from nowhere. Sensing foul play, he caught back up with her and cleared his throat.

“Just out of curiosity,” he mumbled, “how did you get wrangled into this?”

Her wings eagerly flapped as she turned and wandered up the walkway leading to a house. “Twilight told me! After hearing about that the incident outside of Baltimare last week, I believe she wanted to help!”

Anon bit his tongue at her claim. Help? Help? How was babysitting helping anypony other than the youngsters’ parents? He may’ve been wrong, but his gut told him that this was some sort of payback for Twilight’s getting a dent egg-headed ego from the damage done to the Shirenano. Neither wishing to sully Celestia’s mood or ensconce himself in what would ultimately be a fruitless debate, he looked up when the front door of the home swung open.

“P…Princess Celestia,” the stallion who must have been Mr. Jimmies stuttered, sinking to one knee and bowing his head in supplication. “I c…can’t believe Princess Twilight was -”

“Come now, there’s no need for such formalities,” Celestia giggled, stepping to him while offering a hand. “I’m retired now.”

“Honey?” a second, feminine voice inquired. “Who’s at - Celestia?!”

Stopping her from kneeling, Mr. Jimmies grabbed his wife’s shoulders and held her upright. “Sweetheart, Princess Twilight wasn’t kidding! She got Prin - Cough - Celestia to come and look after our precious little colts!”

“Wonderful,” Anon hissed under his breath.

He didn’t have any real worries about Celestia minding a few young ponies, seeing no reason to fear her spontaneously committing acts of negligent destruction or doing anything foolish, but the notion of having a pair of hormonal colts ogling her or pawing at her rubbed him the wrong way. It was generous to say she was a bit naive, at times being woefully ignorant to the lust-filled stares or tented pants around her, and there wasn’t a remotely straight teenager on the planet who wouldn’t be drooling over the mere thought of having her as a sitter. Begrudgingly trailing along behind her as she was shown inside, he inspected the home’s interior.

The place wasn’t anything all that fancy, having a tiny foyer that opened into a living room, although it had a comfiness that reminded him of home - his old home on Earth. While Celestia chatted with his former employees, he looked around for any sign of his would-be charges. The duo, twin’s he’d been told, were likely hiding and salivating at their curvaceous and oversized guest, much to his chagrin.

“Everything you’ll need is in the kitchen, I left some bits on the table for you to order pizza, and we’ll have a hefty tip for you after we get back,” Mr. Jimmies said with a grin as he donned a coat. “I’d love to stay and catch up, but the missus and I have a show to get to.”

Throwing her arms around the pair, Celestia gave the couple a hug. “It’s quite alright. You two have a splendid evening.”

Anon forced a smile and waved at the pair as they saw themselves out. The pair had basically ignored him since he and Celestia had arrived, but that was pretty normal. When faced with an ageless alicorn who’d ruled over a kingdom for generations and a weird, hairless ape, the overwhelming majority of ponies would pay more attention to the latter instead of the former. He turned his ear toward a darkened hallway and listened for any sign of the siblings that were lurking somewhere in the house.

Turning his focus up at Celestia, he struggled to maintain his cheerful facade. “So where are the little guys?”

“Mrs. Lucerne said they’re in their room,” Cele responded, looking down the same short corridor that had caught Anon’s eye. “Do you want to go say hello to them?”

Seeing as how they were going to be stuck there for the entire evening, and that the parents had been in too much of a hurry to introduce them, he saw no reason not to seize the initiative. As he stepped back and motioned for her to lead the way, his thoughts darkened. He didn’t consider himself a violent man by any means, but he might just throttle one or both of the idiots  if they were brazen enough to cop a feel on Celestia.

Slowly and cautiously opening a door and peeking inside a room, a move that was borderline moronic to pull on a teenager, Cele beamed. “Hello, my babies - I mean, you’re not my babies, but you are for tonight!”

Anon had braced himself for the mother of all reactions, screams of horror or for Celestia to be out-and-out accosted by the duo, but all he got was the faintest noise - almost like a coo of some sort. Whoever was inside must have been stoic as all get-out - that or they were stoned out of their mind. With his curiosity getting the better of him, he crept to the doorframe and peered within.

All his anxiety was defused in an instant. Babies - they were going to be taking care of a pair of babies. Partially swaddled within a spacious crib, the pair of foals softly babbled and looked over with wide, inquisitive eyes. Unprepared for the adorable onslaught, his heart quivered as one of the two foals smiled in his direction.

“They’re so small,” Celestia breathed, clutching her hands over her chest. Walking over to the crib, she waggled her fingers at the pair. “Hey, little ones!”

The duo must have been supernatural judges of character, because they gleefully fidgeted and reached for her. Bending forward at the waist, she loomed over them. The differences between the twins and her was so stark that it was jarring, yet the tenderness and care radiating off her as she scooped them up and brought them to her bosom was palpable.

She held the duo to her chest and turned to face Anon. “Aren’t they just precious?”

“Yeah,” he faintly agreed, drifting closer and reaching up with hand. “What’s your name, little guy?”

“He’s Jasper, I think,” Celestia quietly answered before looking down to the other foal, “and this one’s Garnet.”

The colts were identical, both having a vermilion coat and twinkling, azure eyes, so Anon could forgive Celestia for getting their names mixed up. Delicately stroking one fingertip against Jasper’s cheek, he snickered when the tiny pony clutched his digit. He’d seen more babies than he could count over the years, although this was one of the few times he’d gotten the opportunity to interact with them outside of a public setting.

Lifting the duo up to her face, Celestia nuzzled her snout against them. “You’re gonna have lots of fun tonight.”

She gave one a raspberry on the belly, earned herself a delighted squeal, then repeated the process with his sibling. The spectacle of a Princess, a veritable goddess, displaying such compassion was humbling. Though the colts couldn’t have realized or fully appreciated it, they were being granted a gift that few if any would ever experience.

Anon cocked his head and swung his focus upward. “You know, I’m surprised you don’t have any yourself.”

Her expression wavered and her eyes lowered to the floor. “I…I’ve - careful,” she sighed, repositioning the twins slightly. “Let’s get you two somewhere more comfortable.”

Rising to her full height, she strode into the hallway and toward the den. If for no other reason than to not stand around by himself, Anon gave chase. It had been slight, the sort of thing that could have slipped by somepony who didn’t know Celestia as well as he did, but her reaction to his innocent question led him to believe he may have struck a nerve.

Walking through into the living room and seeing her moving to the sofa, he altered course and headed to the kitchen. “I’m gonna check on the snack situation. You want anything?”

Celestia eased herself down and shook her head. “I think I’m good for now.”

Nodding, he waited until his back was turned to her before he let his smile fade. While he was very familiar with her, having almost intimate insight on her routine, favorite foods, and her innumerable quirks, she still held a great many secrets that he’d yet to puzzle out - chief amongst which being her lack of heirs. She’d always shown a fondness for foals, going out of her way to visit schools or even breaking protocol at formal events to play with somepony’s baby, yet she didn’t have one of her own.

As he passed the kitchen table, his attention was snagged by a number of items that had been left out. Alongside a small stack of bits, there was a note, pack of diapers, two baby bottles, and a can. Shit - he’d been so caught up with his thoughts that he’d nearly forgotten the less pleasant aspects he’d be contending with that afternoon. Having picked up and quickly read the letter, finding directions for how to make formula, he looked back to the doorway.

“Should I make some milk for them?” he called out.

After a moment’s pause, Celestia replied. “There’s no need.”

“What do you mean?” he shot back. “They’re going to need to eat something, and the recipe here says it’ll take at least twenty minutes to mix and heat the -”

“No need,” she blithely repeated. “I’ve got - Ah.”

He spun and bolted back to the living room. It was a little weird that she insisted he wouldn’t need to whip up a batch of formula, but the sound of her startled cry set him on high alert. She wouldn’t ever intentionally do anything to hurt anypony, although he was keenly aware that her slip-ups, even tiny ones, could lead to tragic consequences.

Seconds from asking her if everything was alright, he came to a screeching halt. She was right where he’d left her, seated on the couch, and nothing in the room was out of place - well, no, almost nothing. With her shirt removed and placed on the cushion beside her, she addressed the issue of feeding the pair in an extraordinarily unexpected way.

“What?” she asked.

Picking his jaw up from the floor, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.”

“Anon, I’m disappointed in you. For all the things you’ve seen me do, and the many things you haven’t, did you really think inducing lactation would be that difficult of a task?” she mused.

“So you can just turn yourself into a dairy cow on a whim?” he groaned as he marched over to a nearby recliner.

Keeping the foals latched to her bosoms, she rocked back. “I’ll have you know, I could have you sent to a friendship gulag for likening me to a bovine.”

“Back when you were a Princess, sure,” he confessed, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

She glowered then winced and shivered as one of the tykes whined around her teat. “T…touche, Anon.”

“Really though, I had no idea you could do that,” he noted, looking over at her with amazement. “So is that something anypony can pull off?”

“For unicorns and alicorns, yes, it’s a simple spell,” she affirmed, “and there are potions available that yield the same result for earth ponies and pegasi.”

Sagely nodding, he watched her breastfeed the pair. There was nothing sexual about the scene, merely a surrogate mother nursing two foals, yet a primitive portion of his brain was enthralled by the sight. Her motherly aura was captivating, elevating her beauty beyond the pale, and it evoked a sense of curiosity and arousal within him.

“I’m still surprised you don’t have a few kids yourself,” he remarked. As she shot him a questioning look, he reclined and motioned at the twins she was holding. “It’s obvious that you got a soft spot for them, I don’t think I’ve ever seen foals who weren’t instantly head over heels for you, and I’d bet everything I own that you’d be a fantastic mother.”

Looking down at the pair, she wistfully smiled. “Maybe someday…”

He leaned in and propped his chin on one hand, unable to resist. “Waiting for that special somepony to sweep you off your feet and make an honest mare out of you?”

Her eyes lingered on him, almost as if she was appraising him, while her face went beet red. Though she didn’t say a thing, her reaction spoke volumes. He tried to hold her gaze, playing a game of chicken with her, until he could bear it no longer. As she rubbed her thighs together and stared him down, he looked away.

“I’m - uh - I’m gonna see what they’ve got in the fridge,” he grumbled.

“Alright,” she murmured.

Stopping as he stood, he held onto the arms of the chair. “So you do want a drink?”

She shook her head and tranquilly smiled at the foals in her arms. “To answer your question, I am waiting for that special somepony.”

He went to make a joke, if only to lighten the mood, but then he locked eyes with her. There was something in her gaze he couldn’t describe, and it robbed him of his voice. Steeling himself, he summoned the courage not to bow out and flee. Of all the difficult things he’d done in Equestria, from adjusting to his life there to the trials of tending to a Princess, not backing down from her at that moment was one of the most grueling.

“I hope you find him someday,” he whispered.

With the trace of a grin on her lips, she lowered her eyes back to the twins. “Me too…”

Hope could be a fickle mistress, the sort of thing that could lift one up or tear one down, and Anon hated that he’d come to rely on it so fiercely. He hoped he wasn’t wrong about her, he hoped she cared about him the same way he cared about her, and he hoped for a bright future for the both of them, although he hated that his life had come to this. What had started as a friendship was changing, budding into something he longed for more than anything, and he was terrified that he might be wrong about it…
> Drunk on You
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Two strawberry daiquiris and a mimosa?” Anon asked as he stopped by what he hoped was the right table.

As the ponies smiled and nodded up at him, he began dispensing their drinks from the serving tray he was carrying. He’d had his misgivings when Celestia had told him she wanted to try her hand at bartending, but things had been working out better than expected. The little tavern was absolutely packed, everypony was enjoying themselves, and everything had been going off without a hitch.

Turning away from the table, he looked back and slipped the empty platter under his arm. “Just wave me down if you need anything.”

He turned his attention back to the bar and proudly grinned. Celestia may not have been the fastest bartender in the world, but damned if she wasn’t good at it. Over the course of less than an hour, she’d raked in several hundred bits just in tips - of course, it helped that she was wearing a tightly-fitted tank top and booty shorts, but this was one of the few settings where the questionable attire was completely appropriate.

Walking around the bar, he made his way to her side. “Holding it down?”

She nodded as she held a card of cocktail recipes up to her face. “Just trying to figure out what a sangria is…”

“Step aside,” he asserted. “I know how to make these.”

“You do?” she asked with a note of surprise.

Turning and snatching a bottle of brandy and bottle of triple sec from the shelves of liquor behind him, he motioned over at a small rack sitting by the miniature refrigerator under the bar. “Grab a bottle of red wine for me.”

She shuffled over, squatted down, and followed his instructions, though she hesitated when she went to hand him the bottle. “Will merlot work?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” he replied, uncapping and pouring a measure of the brandy and orange liquor into a large pitcher. After setting the bottles down, he took the proffered wine and plucked a corkscrew from beneath the bartop. “I used to make this stuff for my buddies in college.”

Walking up behind him, she rested her breasts against his back and watched him work. “Maybe you should be back here mixing drinks while I -”

“Oooooooh no,” he nervously laughed. “You stay back here.”

He wasn’t thrilled that she was being eyed up by most of the customers ordering drinks, but having her sling cocktails from behind the physical barrier that was the bar itself meant she was safe from being felt up by patrons. All things considered, he wasn’t too apprehensive about the setup. A pair of bouncers lingered just outside, he was keeping an eye on her, and there were another two ponies working as servers - in short, unless somepony got absolutely trashed, there shouldn’t be any problems.

“Lemonade, orange juice, simple syrup, ice, and last but not least,” he theatrically announced as he tossed in several maraschino cherries and orange slices. “Boom!”

Celestia studied the pitcher and scrunched her snout. “They only ordered a glass though.”

“Yeah, but this stuff keeps,” he chuckled.

Lifting her eyes up to his face, she cocked her head. “Is it good?”

“You tell me,” he insisted, pouring and offering her a glass of the sangria.

She reluctantly took the beverage and lifted it to her snout. “They did say we could help ourselves to a drink or two. Cheers?”

“Cheers,” he affirmed, lifting and clinking a glass of lemonade he’d stashed behind the bar against her drink.

Taking a small sip of her beverage, she balked and stared down at her glass. “That’s…that’s really, really good!”

“Thanks,” he hummed, pleased with himself. “Just be careful. Those things have a way of sneaking up on you.”

He would have stayed and chatted with her for longer, but neither of them could stop what they were doing to idly stand around and chit-chat. Customers were practically pouring in, there were glasses to refill, and orders to take. Giving her a thumbs up, he took up a notepad and pressed out into the seating area.

Things were going more smoothly than he would have dared to hope - almost too smoothly. Patrons came and went, everypony was relatively well-behaved, and it was busy enough to make the time sail by. He wouldn’t have guessed that Celestia would find her calling serving booze, but stranger things had happened.

Returning to the bar for the umpteenth time, he glanced up at a clock on the wall and frowned. “If you need a break, just -”

“Anon!” she bleated, surging forward and snaring him in a bear hug. “Anon, I need your help.”

He craned his neck upward and peeked up at her, taken aback by the sudden show of affection. “Is something wrong?”

“Your darn right something’s wrong,” she grumbled, keeping his head sandwiched between her bosoms. Maintaining her iron-like embrace, she turned and scowled. “I can’t get it right…”

Writhing in her grasp, he peeked back and went motionless. The pitcher of sangria he’d made was empty, and something told him that it hadn’t been drained by customers. As he looked back up at her, only then detecting the smell of alcohol on her breath, he swallowed hard. She could and often was a handful while sober, but if she was sloshed…

“Please tell me you didn’t have all that,” he moaned.

She emphatically shook her head and pulled his face deeper into her cleavage. “Nuh-uh, not that one…”

His hair stood on end and a cold sweat beaded his brow. “That one…?”

Taking him by the shoulders, she extracted him from her bust and turned him to face the bar. “I tried to make more of the stuff, but it wasn’t as good as yours.”

The implications of one empty pitcher would have been bone-chilling, seeing two would have put his nerves on edge, and finding three would send him into a panic, but there were four - four empty pitchers thrown into the sink. Rounding on her, he nervously licked his lips. He’d only ever seen her drunk on one occasion that he could recall, and that night had been so insane that Luna had wiped virtually all of the details from his memory.

“Water,” he stated. Whipping around, he filled a glass from the tap and urgently presented it to her. “Drink some water and go stretch your legs for -”

“But I want more sangria,” she whined. Her petulant demeanor was fleeting and shifted in an instant to indignation as she glared down at him. “I order you to make more…”

“Celestia, come on,” he pleaded. “They said we could have a few drinks on the house -”

“I only had three - actually, more like two and a half,” she interrupted, slurring her words ever so slightly. “Anon, won’t you make some for me? Please!”

She might not have been completely shit-faced, but she’d definitely had a few too many. Stuck in what was a very delicate situation, he put his mind to work and inched closer to her. As long as he could get her hydrated and prevent her from downing any more hooch, she should sober up pretty quickly.

He clasped hands with her and willed himself to smile. “At the end of our shift, I’ll make you a whole pitcher of top-shelf sangria ~ alright?”

Her eyes narrowed as she stared down at him. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart,” he replied as he freed a hand to draw an X over his sternum.

“Fine,” she relented.

As happy as he was going to get under the circumstances, he went to depart then stopped dead in his tracks. She may have been able to follow recipes and make simple drinks, but leaving her by her lonesome, even if he wasn’t that far away, seemed like an extremely bad idea. He threw up a hand and waved at one of his fellow servers, going on a wing and a prayer that he’d be able to avoid a catastrophe.

“Can you manage the floor?” he asked the waiter.

The server, a younger mare, gave him a confused look and reluctant nod. “I’m guessing you’re gonna keep an eye on -”

“Anon!” Celestia shouted, tearing his attention away from his coworker. “Anon, this young stallion just gave me the most wondrous suggestion!”

Anon shared a knowing look with the waitress before shifting and facing Celestia. “And what sort of wondrous suggestion was it?”

“We can make so - Hic - so much money if we have a wet t-shirt contest,” she imperiously and rather joyously declared. “Gimme your shirt…”

Batting her hands away as she pawed at his collar. “First of all, hell no - secondly, you’re wearing a shirt already!”

She faltered and gazed down at her monumental rack. “It’s a tank top, not a shirt; there’s a difference, Anon.”

“Just - oh, I know,” he exclaimed, stricken with divine inspiration. Leaning over the bar and grabbing an unoccupied stool, he lifted and placed the piece of furniture beside him. “How about you sit here and watch me make a few drinks? You might just learn something.”

“Nuh,” she protested, coming behind him and using his head as a makeshift boob rest. “I’m gonna stand here, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The weight of her breasts bearing down his skull was only outmatched by the burden she presented as a whole. Nopony appeared to mind her antics, the tip jar was already overflowing, and it wasn’t like there were any foals around for her to set a bad example for, but that didn’t mean his job was going to be any easier. Picking up the first ticket on the string of orders, he reached for a bottle of rum.

Shifting slightly, she slid her tits over his shoulder and pointed at the cocktail he was working on. “What’s that?”

“A mojito,” he grunted, muddling some mint with lime and simple syrup.

She reached for the tumbler in his grip and attempted to pry it from his clutches. “I wanna shake it…”

Relinquishing his hold, he allowed her to take the shaker. “Don’t spill it.”

“Woo!” she hooted, straightening up and capping the tumbler. “Why didn’t we do this sooner, Anon?!”

He could think of two big, bouncing reasons why they hadn’t done this sooner, although he was probably the only soul on the premises who took umbrage with the show she was unwittingly putting on. Though her technique was lacking and anything but professional, her zeal and the spectacle of a wobbling, drunkenly dancing Princess animatedly mixing a drink made up for her deficit of skill. Spinning and almost losing her balance, she presented the shaker to him.

“Here you - wait,” she groused. Flipping the cap and helping herself to a sip, she smacked her lips and shivered. “That’s amazing! Anon, we should have those sometime!”

“Uh-huh, sure,” he growled, wrenching the shaker from her hands. Pouring the drinks and setting them on a serving tray with the ticket, he moved to the next order. “We can knock a few back after we take care of everypony.”

Celestia had been about to say something, her mouth open and finger held up, but then a look of jubilation crossed her face. “Attention everypony,” she blared, “drinks are on the house!”

The entire bar went so silent that you could hear a pin drop, her proclamation upending every conversation and bringing everypony to a literal standstill, although the hushed stillness only lasted for a fleeting second. In nearly perfect unison, the patrons began shouting and singing the ex-Princess’ praises. It was chaos that came just shy of being an all out riot, and it quickly overwhelmed the Anon and the few staff members who were actually doing their jobs.

At least two of the servers left, removing their aprons and joining the mindless, jubilant throng, while a third defenestrated himself through an open window. The one silver lining was that everypony was in a good mood, elated that their beloved alicorn had displayed her generosity, yet that could change at any moment. If there was one thing Anon felt damn sure of, it was how volatile large groups could be when there was copious amounts of alcohol involved.

“You know we’re gonna get fired for this ~ right?” he snarled, trying and failing to rein in his flaring temper.

Waving away his concern, Celestia unsteadily arranged a row of shot glasses on the bar and filled them with rum. “There are plenty of bits in the royal coffers.”

“I’m sure there are, but there’s just one tiny issue,” he continued. Waiting until he had her attention, he grimaced. “You’re not a Princess any more…”

“I…oh shoot,” she muttered, practically sobering up before his eyes. Peering out over the crowd, she cupped her hands to her mouth. “Bottom shelf only! One shot per customer!”

It wasn’t a perfect solution, but spending a few hundred bits on liquor was better than hemorrhaging several thousand. Considering most, if not all of the patrons had already been drinking, and that to renege on the promised drinks would do nothing but court disaster, Anon put himself to task by distributing shots of the cheapest gut-rot available. To her credit, and in spite of her making a few spills, Celestia didn’t leave him to do all the work by his lonesome.

By the time everypony had been served their gratis shot, on top of handling orders for cider, beer, wine, and cocktails that continued to roll in before closing time, Anon was exhausted on every conceivable level. His uniform was drenched in sweat, he hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch, and he was ironically parched, yet the only thing he longed for was a shower and a bed to collapse in. Wearily watching as the final customers stumbled out, he sighed.

“Sorry about that,” Celestia whispered, wiping down the bar and refusing to look at him.

He reached over and gave her a well-earned pat on the upper arm. “It’s fine. I think the tips we made will cover most of the booze we went through.”

Lifting a bottle of cider to her lips, she wavered. “Anon, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he replied. Kneeling down and taking a bottle of cider for himself, he gazed up at her. “What’s up?”

“Do…do you think I’m cut out for this?” she softly inquired. “Not necessarily the bartending thing, but just - you know, being anything other than a Princess…”

He grunted as he stood and chuckled. “Honestly, that’s just silly. You’re one of the kindest, most capable ponies I’ve ever met, and I know - know you could do anything you put your mind to. It’s not your fault that the world wasn’t made for you, and I’ll have words with anypony who says otherwise.”

“It’s just…” she trailed off and hung her head. “It’s just discouraging.”

Stepping over, he gently stroked her forearm. “I’m sure it is, but you’ve got me to kick around until we find the right thing for you.”

As she peered into her eyes, a smile crept across her muzzle. “I…thank you, Anon. That means more than you know…”

“Don’t mention it,” he laughed, shying back to playfully tap his fist to her bicep. “Just don’t forget me when you become Equestria’s next big neurosurgeon or - Gah!”

With startling speed, she shifted, sank to one knee, and snared him in a hug. “I would never…”

There was a slight waver in her voice, and she was still at least a little bit tipsy, but that gave him all the more reason to return her embrace. Hugging her neck, he rested his cheek to her collar. She really was an amazing mare, one of the best, and the feeling of being held by her was only eclipsed by the fact that she appreciated him.

“Hey,” he began, wriggling free and grinning from ear to ear, “after we lock up, you want to get something to eat after we’re done? I’m pretty sure I saw a Hayburger down the road.”

With a smile that met her eyes, she took up her cleaning rag and rose to her feet. “Sounds like a plan, little buddy…”
> Kiss and Tell
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Do you think we’ll make a lot of bits?” Celestia hummed.

With his back against the dressing room’s wall, he kept his arms folded and halfheartedly shrugged. “Yeah, probably…”

She knit her brow as she picked up a tube of lipstick from the vanity before her. “I hope we do. From what I’ve heard, these things can be quite popular.”

“Yeah…” he growled, refusing to look at her.

After all the things he’d been through, both before and after Celestia had started her little career-based odyssey, Anon had thought it would take an act of god to get under his skin, he realized he wasn’t as unflappable as he’d assumed. His eyes wandered over the small chamber while he attempted to distract himself. Neither of them had even been hunting for jobs that afternoon, simply taking the day off to enjoy a carnival that had sprung up outside of Canterlot, yet a spontaneous proposal from one of the caries had spurred her into action at the drop of a hat.

Smacking her lips, she shifted and beamed up at him. “How do I look?”

He turned, hastily looked her over, and gave her a curt nod before averting her gaze. “You look great.”

“You don’t sound terribly convincing,” she huffed. Looking back at her reflection, she inspected her face. “Do you think I should use a bit of blush or eyeliner?”

“I guess?” he countered. “Listen, I don’t really know anything about makeup.”

If the circumstances had been any different, he would have gladly given his heartfelt opinion on how she looked - unfortunately for the both of them, he wasn’t in the mood to tell her how resplendent she looked. Having what should have been a day of fun derailed would have been enough to aggravate him in and of itself, but it was the perfect storm of events that had ultimately pissed him off. As she stood from her stool, he moved to and opened the door leading outside.

Strolling up behind him, she gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright? You’ve -”

“I’m fine,” he seethed, shaking her hand free and pressing into the open air.

Without looking back at her, he continued onward and gave her some space. There was a good reason for her concern, although no point in addressing it. If he told her how he felt, there was a very real chance he’d dampen her spirits and subsequently make himself feel worse - that being said, bottling up his frustrations wasn’t going to do him any favors either. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, having no means of making it through the evening without being upset, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

She closed the gap between them with a handful of strides and circled around to stop him. “Anon, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” he fumed.

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” she faintly tutted, snagging his arm and preventing him from walking past her.

Moments from repeating himself, he demurred. The brilliant red lipstick she wore accentuated her beauty, as did the gown she’d spontaneously fetched and donned from her room, yet seeing her resplendence only magnified the inner turmoil he was grappling with. He closed his eyes and reminded himself that there was nothing inherently wrong with what she was going to do.

“Please,” she urged, gingerly squeezing his bicep, “just talk to me…”

He slowly exhaled and found the strength to look her in the face. “It’s fine, really. I was just hoping to spend the afternoon with you.”

“But you will be,” she mused. “Excuse me - you could be. Nopony’s going to force you to stand at the booth with me for hours on end, so I see no reason why you couldn’t enjoy the rides and attractions.”

Wheeling around as soon as her grip slackened, he wandered away from her. “If you think I’m gonna leave you by yourself, you don’t know me very well…”

“Anon, I’m a big mare,” she laughed, “I can take care of myself. Nopony would try to do anything foolish in a public setting like this.”

He fought the urge to argue with her and kept moving. She could handle herself, only a lunatic would even think about crossing any serious boundaries with her, and the circus employees had been elated to hear she was willing to lend them a hand, yet he took little comfort from her safety. Looking ahead and seeing her would-be station, an innocuous booth situated near several games of chance, he openly sneered.

Whoever that asshole was who’d offered to let Celestia take up work at the carnival deserved a swift kick in the ass and a damn stern talking to. While she may have renounced her status as a Princess and all the luxuries that came with her old position, she still had her self-respect and reputation to consider. Anon halted and peered up at the sign hanging above her appointed stall.

Kissing booth - she’d volunteered to staff a fucking kissing booth. The notion of ponies lining up and paying for her affection, even a fleeting taste of it, disgusted him. He knew it was selfish to be upset over something so inconsequential, that a few bits for a peck on the cheek would mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, but he couldn’t hide his disdain.

Walking up next to him, Celestia rubbed his upper back. “You really think I’ll get plenty of business?”

“I’d be shocked if you don’t,” he tersely replied. 

She looked past the wooden surface of the booth and to a stool resting behind it. “There’s only one seat. I’m sure -”

“I’ll stand,” he spat. 

Rubbing his temples, he clamped his eyes shut. This was unlike him, his anger was getting the better of him, and Celestia could tell that something was amiss. While she may not have known exactly what was wrong, the concern in her voice, paired with the way she’d been slipping glances at him, made it abundantly clear that she could sense his unease.

Sidestepping the issue and hoping to delay the inevitable, he looked over at a number of food vendors nearby. “You wanna get something to drink or snack on?”

“Would you get me a lemonade and some cotton candy?” she asked, circling and seating at the stall.

“Why don’t you come with me?” he countered. “You’re going to be sitting for quite a while, so you may as well stretch your legs and -”

“Oh my gosh!” somepony shouted. “Celestia, you’re going to be at the kissing booth?”

Turning his baleful gaze, Anon stared daggers at the excited young stallion who’d interrupted him. “We were about to get something -”

Barging past him and setting him off balance, a second stallion ran over and clapped a fistful of bits on the booth’s countertop. “How much?”

Celestia rocked back, apparently unprepared by being approached so quickly. “Well, I’m -”

“Hey, everypony, Princess Celestia’s giving out smooches!” a third, equally rabid bystander bellowed.

Like moths to a flame, everypony in earshot turned their attention to the commotion and began drifting closer. Some came purely out of curiosity, likely coming to see what was going on, while others were exponentially more fervent. A number of stallions and mares started forming an unorganized queue, though the dozen or so who were closest to the dumbfounded former Princess were heatedly arguing over who’d arrived first.

Waving his arms over his head, Anon muscled his way between the gathering mob and Celestia. “Everypony calm down and -”

“No cutting in line!” a stallion, the very same stallion who’d asked Celestia how much she was charting, barked.

“I’m not cutting in line, prick,” Anon snarled as he balled his fists. “Somepony has to keep order, and that somepony is me.”

Shoving him aside, the stallion stepped directly before the booth. “Can I get a kiss on the lips? Please tell me I can get a kiss on the lips.”

Being unceremoniously pushed could have - would have tried Anon’s patience under the best of circumstances, but simply hearing the would-be customer ask if he could get a kiss on the lips set him off. Turning and grabbing the stallion by the collar, he jacked the pony from the ground. Everypony on the planet had a limit, a threshold that, once breached, would drive them to act without thinking, and Anon had just crossed his.

“Listen here, asshole,” he raged, leering into the stallion’s eyes. “You’re not going to -”

“Screw you!” the pony bellowed while shaking himself free. “Who the hay do you think you are?”

Anon was given no time to reply as the pony threw him back. As he caught himself on the stall’s corner, his fury roared into an inferno. He’d had no plans on getting into a fight on this day or any other, but he wasn’t above knocking some sense into the rude, unworthy pony who thought he could bribe a kiss from Celestia.

Cocking one arm back, he tensed and went to spring. “I’m Anon, you son of a -”

“Enough!” Celestia boomed using the full might of her Royal Canterlot Voice.

Everypony went motionless, and a deathly silence fell over the carnival. Coming back to his senses, Anon turned his attention to Celestia. He’d seen many shades of her throughout the years, from joyful and excited to downtrodden or annoyed, yet the expression she bore was unlike any he’d witnessed before. It was clear that she was immeasurably displeased with the heated exchange and tumultuous turn of events, and he was well-aware that he was to blame.

“Celestia,” he breathed, his voice as faint as a whisper, “I’m -”

“What has gotten into you?” she demanded. “You were about to strike that pony!”

Glancing down at his fist, he gulped. “I…”

His throat constricted as the full weight of what he’d nearly done dawned on him. He’d come exceedingly close to punching somepony over something stupid - worse still, he’d tarnished his image in Celestia’s eyes. As he lowered his hands and stepped away from the stallion, his thoughts ran rampant.

Celestia didn’t budge while she continued looming over him. “Anon…”

Acting reflexively, drawn by her softened tone, he peered up at her. Though she appeared far from happy, her ire had been overtaken by ~ what? Pity? Concern? Disappointment? He held her gaze and understood what he needed to do. She wouldn’t have pressed him on it, respecting him enough not to demand anything from him, but she deserved an explanation for his inexcusable behavior.

Turning to squarely face her, he felt smaller and more insignificant than he ever had in his life. “Celestia,” he sighed, unable to keep his voice from wavering, “please don’t do this…”

She rocked back slightly, though her eyes never wavered from his face. “Don’t do what? Have…have I done something wrong?”

“Yes,” he instinctually answered, momentarily letting his emotions seize control. “No - no, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just an idiot.”

Studying him for a moment, she cautiously reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Anon, you’re not an idiot. If something’s the matter, you have to tell me. I may be an alicorn, but I’m not a mind-reader.”

Her attempt to bring a touch of levity to the situation, paired with the barest trace of an anxious smile on her muzzle, broke him. He’d been telling himself for months that he should talk to her, to confess how he truly felt for her, yet he’d put it off again and again, over and over until the weight that bore down on him was crushing. Struggling to find something - anything to say, she ran her hand down his arm.

The maelstrom of his emotions waxed in strength and overtook him, bursting the dam he’d struggled to hold. “Celestia, I like you - hell, I think I might actually love you.”

There was no right or wrong place to confess one’s feelings, particularly when it came to matters of the heart, but he regretted that his admission had to be made in front of a crowd in the middle of a traveling circus. Dozens upon dozens of eyes were upon him, there was a subtle breeze, and the only noise to be heard was that of rides in the distance. He immediately regretted his brash decision, mortified both at himself and for embarrassing the most amazing mare he’d ever met, and he wanted to die - that was until she delicately lifted and held his hand.

He looked into her eyes, having no way of knowing what she was thinking, and nervously licked his lips. “I…I t…told you I’m an idiot…”

Her gaze lingered on him for what felt like an eternity, piercing him through and stripping him layer by layer, until she looked up and to the gathered throng. “I regret to inform you all that I will not be tending the kissing booth.”

Most of the ponies assembled remained quiet, a few muttered amongst themselves, and a small number openly complained, but they all gradually dispersed. Anon couldn’t have moved if he tried, rocked to his core. Had she done this out of mercy? Was she going to dismiss him and send him back to Sapphire Shoals without her? Would they - could they be friends after this?

Wracked with guilt, he gently squeezed her hand. “Celestia, I’m so, so sorry. I -”

The words died in his throat when she moved. Without the slightest bit of haste, keeping his hand clasped in her own, she leaned forward, closed her eyes, and locked lips with him. The sensation of her pillowy lips and the heat of her breath washing over his face was like a kiss from an angel, erasing any doubt or fear that lingered within him. Utterly petrified and unable to reciprocate, he stared blankly up at her when she eventually withdrew.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she faintly inquired with a rosiness in her cheeks.

“I…I w…wanted to,” he sputtered, “but…”

She gave him a moment to continue before smiling. “You were scared?”

The allegation shook him and forced him to look away. “I…yeah…”

Lacing fingers with him, she pulled his hand upward and to her bosom. “You’re braver than I am…”

His eyes flew back to her seraphic countenance as her words sank in. “A…are you…”

“I like you too,” she murmured. Brushing a lock of ethereal mane away from her face, she tensely chuckled. “I w…would say I might love you, but I d…don’t want to jinx…”

She timidly rapped the knuckles of her free hand against the stall’s counter and broke the booth nearly in half. Had he been anypony else, somepony who wasn’t as familiar with her as he was, he would have been dismayed by the display of violent power, but he wasn’t anypony else. There was only one reason why she’d spontaneously break anything, and it was because her nerves were on edge.

Tightening his grip on her hand, he beamed. “I g…guess we both s…screwed up then ~ eh?”

“Yeah,” she sighed as her smile grew wider and reached her eyes. “S…so - Ahem - w…what now?”

They were in uncharted waters, having taken a plunge into something neither of them had expected at an inopportune time, but that wasn’t going to stop him - not now. “Wanna get that cotton candy and lemonade?”

She nodded and reluctantly released his hand. “That…that would be nice…”

Waiting as she circled the booth and came to stand at his side, he impulsively laced fingers with her and shifted toward the food carts and dining stalls. “It’ll be my treat - you know, since I technically got a kiss.”

Her giggle warmed the very depths of his heart and filled him with hope for a brighter future. “Just one more thing,” she mumbled. “Does that make this a date?”

Craned his head, locked eyes with her, and tried to keep his knees from buckling. “One step at a time, Cele. One step at a time…”