> A Weekend At Celestia's > by Jest > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Oh, uh... Woops? > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- “What more do I have to do?” Sunset demanded, the mare shouting up at the alicorn seated on the throne before her. “What spell do I have to master? What skill do I have to have? What lessons must I yet learn?” “Sunset,” Celestia began, her voice heavy and full of grief. “That is a question without an answer.” “Why isn't there one, huh? You can see the future. Just tell me,” Sunset pressed. “You think the future is clear, that it is unchanging and trapped forever in crystal but the truth of the matter is that it is ever-changing. Nothing is certain,” Celestia began, rising from her throne and stepping towards her student. “In one future you must best a great and powerful foe with only your wits, another you have to put aside your anger and forgive your worst enemy. There is no simple way out of this.” “Liar!” Sunset spat, glaring up at the alicorn. “I have seen you use your spell to glimpse the future, I have seen the crystal ball you use to see what will be.” “You have seen the most simple of examples. Which team wins the game, if the maid will accept the guard’s inquiry of a date. These things are binary choices, yes and no. You becoming an alicorn is not a simple thing,” Celestia replied, her tone soft, and patient but edged with a growing iratation. Sunset’s gaze narrowed and she glared hateful daggers up at the other mare. For a moment she felt as though she were staring up in defiance of the sun itself, for behind Celestia, edging over the horizon was that fiery orb. Morning was now well and truly upon them, and as Canterlot awoke from its slumber, Sunset felt as though the sun was setting upon her. “Then ask if I will become an alicorn, and work forward through the years and days until we know exactly when it will happen. It is not a difficult process to locate the answers I seek if you have the brain power to do so,” Sunset Shimmer exclaimed snidely. “You think the winds of fate are simple things but they are not!” Celestia boomed, rising to her full height. “Not everything can be reduced down to a simple equation, not everyone’s choices are logical or follow some predetermined path. The future is a network of a million choices all interacting in ways no mind can comprehend. Not mine, and certainly not yours!” “I am not so simple-minded as you so imply. If I had your power, if I had your wings I-” Sunset began. “But you do not,” Celestia interrupted, her gaze narrowing and her frown deepening. “You have power yes, but you are arrogant, foolhardy, and have such an inflated ego that I struggle to imagine how you fit your head through the doors of the castle. You wonder why I do not invite you to meetings anymore? Why I do not introduce you to world leaders as my protege?” Sunset Shimmer took an unconscious step back, her vision filling with the alicorn looming over her. “Because you are a walking stereotype! A conceited, self-absorbed unicorn that is such a perfect representation of how everyone thinks of your tribe that it is hard to imagine you as a person and not some kind of breathing embodiment of every poor assumption people make about unicorns,” Celestia exclaimed with a sneer. “Frankly,” Celestia began again, her voice falling to barely above a whisper. “You’re an embarrassment.” “I am not an embarrassment!” Sunset Shimmer shouted, her horn flaring to life. With a blast of magic, she sent Celestia flying across the room. The alicorn landed in a heap at the base of her throne, a shocked expression on her face and a scorch mark on her chest. “Sunset I-” Celestia began. This time it was Sunset Shimmer’s turn to interrupt, not with words, but with magic. Another blast of magic was fired, only this time it was blocked by a golden shield that sprung to life between them. In her rage, Sunset continued to pour on the power, pushing herself to unleash as much magic as possible. Behind the golden force field, Celestia appeared calm, her barrier unblemished by the punishment it had been subjected to. Over time her expression shifted however, before suddenly a smirk crossed her face only to be wiped away almost immediately. Her eyes then widened in shock, and suddenly her barrier fell apart. Sunset’s magic, undampened by the barrier ripped through the air, smashing into Celestia. Sunset released her spell, her eyes opening wide as she viewed the damage she had accidentally done. A hole, roughly as large as her hoof, had been blown straight through the alicorn’s chest. Instantly cauterized from the heat, there was no blood, only charred, blackened flesh that created a tunnel through her body. Celestia reached out with a shaky hoof, attempting to say something, only to fall over, dead before she even hit the ground of the throne room. “Stars above… no!” Sunset called, sprinting across the room. “Why didn't you block it? Surely you had the strength to spare unless I really am- no! Something must have gone wrong.” Pacing back and forth in front of the corpse of her former teacher, Sunset chewed anxiously at her bottom lip. “There’s no way she's dead. She's an immortal alicorn,” Sunset declared suddenly. Turning back to the corpse, Sunset saw that its eyes stared off into the distance, unblinking. Its tongue hung from its mouth, and not a single muscle twitched. “Oh shit,” Sunset muttered. “What the hell do I do now?” The pony picked up the pace, all but jogging back and forth in a line. “I didn't want to actually kill her. Heck, I didn't even want to hurt her, not really. I just got so angry that I couldn't help it,” Sunset muttered, stopping to wince briefly. “No that's wrong. I didn't have to do anything other than be patient. I didn't even have to be an arrogant prick to all those ponies. If I hadn't I bet Celestia would have continued to bring me to all those high-level meetings I felt so proud to sit in on.” “I’m so stupid,” Sunset spat. “Until I pushed her, until I insulted her she didn't even say it was impossible for me to become an alicorn or that it would never happen just that I’d have to wait for the right moment. What's waiting a few years or even a few decades if I end up becoming an ageless, immortal ali-” Sunset glanced down at the body. “Well, ageless anyway,” Sunset muttered. There was a sudden knock at the door, and all at once Sunset Shimmer remembered that she was completely alone in the massive throne room. Confused, and too shocked to move, Sunset Shimmer just stood there, looking around for a way out of this situation. Yet there was no way out, not unless she went back through those two enormous doors, or out a window. “Your majesty?” Called a distant female voice. “It's almost time to open day court! Are you alright in there?” Raven Inkwell, the ever-faithful secretary to Princess Celestia was waiting on the other side of the door. Sunset Shimmer sprinted over to Celestia’s body and lifted it off the ground before hitting it with a healing spell. Then another, and another, and another, each in rapid succession. “Come on, come on. Work goddamn you!” Sunset Shimmer hissed. “Your majesty? Do you need assistance with your shoes again?” yelled Raven’s distant voice. “Shit, plan B,” Sunset muttered, dropping the body and casting a different spell. “N-no!” Sunset called in the voice of her late teacher. “I’m fine! Just uh… had a slight spell malfunction. But, uh, everything’s perfectly all right now. “Are you sure? I could get the grease for you if you like,” Raven replied. “We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you… how are you?” Sunset called back only to wince at her own “I can send a squad in if they are all stuck like last time,” Raven offered. “Uh negative, negative. We have a… a…” Sunset muttered, looking around. “Small fire. Just give me a moment to put it out and day court can start like normal.” “Are you sure?” Raven pressed. “Absolutely. It was a very minor mishap. Just a bit of an oopsie with my protege is all,” Sunset called back, chuckling nervously. “Oh, Sunset Shimmer that’s right. I thought you were going to kick her out on account of her always being racist to the griffons,” Raven remarked. Sunset cursed under her breath. “She was not being racist. That was all just a big understanding. And no I’d never get rid of my beloved student. Now allow me a moment to prepare,” Sunset Shimmer yelled. “If you say so,” Raven muttered. Sunset grumbled under her breath. “I was being rude, not racist. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was a griffon,” Sunset murmured to herself, only to freeze and glance down at the corpse at her hooves. “Right, what the hell do I do about you?” “I could…” Sunset began. “I could just go through day court. Wait for the first break and go up to your room. I know where you keep your books on black magic. I’m sure I’m powerful enough to raise you from the dead.” “Okay, yeah that's a plan,” Sunset remarked, only to frown. “It's not a good plan, but it’s a plan. Now then… where to start?” “Enter, and be heard!” Boomed the familiar voice of Princess Celestia. The business pony adjusted his tie, ran a hoof through his greased, jet-black mane, and strode through the open double doors. Trotting confidently into the throne room, he looked up to find that although Raven Inkwell was present, the usual guards were not. Celestia was of course sitting there as always, but she was wearing a large peice of chest-covering jewelry as well as a cape, both of which hadn't been in fashion for over a century. “Hey, Celestia. Good to see you this morning,” he greeted. “How's your day been so far?” Celestia stared vacantly down at him, as if confused. “I’m fine though it's been a bit-” Celestia began, her words not quite matching the movements of her mouth. “Cool, cool,” the business pony interrupted. “So, about that court case, we talked about last time. I don't suppose you’ve given any more thought to just brushing this whole thing under the rug. I mean really, the high courts shouldn't be spending time on little old me.” Again Celestia seemed confused, her empty eyes staring off somewhere just right of him. Silence hung over the room for several seconds before the alicorn’s head jerked suddenly to the left. “What is he talking about?” Celestia whispered loud enough for everyone to hear. “Mister Bell has had his buyout attempt blocked and the case has gone all the way to the Supreme Court,” Raven replied, this time quiet enough for only Celestia to hear. “Wait. I remember that,” Celestia muttered, though her mouth remained closed. “If it went through he’d own over eighty percent of the telegraph lines.” “Eighty percent is not a monopoly though so it totally doesn't count,” replied the business pony, a smirk still plastered to his face. “Yeah, no that's not happening,” Celestia remarked. “That clearly violates the anti-trust laws which dictate that no company may even control half of the total customership of an area.” “But those laws were put in place out of fear that the company would raise the prices and we would never do such a thing to our customers,” Mister Bell continued. “Why with an even greater control over the various cable and control centers we’d be able to lower our prices considerably! This entire thing is actually holding back this very large and very real discount we plan on giving.” “Rrrright,” Celestia muttered, the alicorn’s right eyebrow raising while a hoof clumsily moved to her hip. “And you would be willing to put this promise on paper then right? Maybe even have your entire board of directors do the same.” “Well I can't speak for all of them,” the business pony muttered. “It is, after all, a big company.” “Come on then. Let's set your promise in stone,” Celestia pressed, her body leaning forward and nearly toppling from her throne. “Make an ironclad commitment to slashing prices in half, forever and I’ll consider vetoing this little case.” “HALF!” he shouted, only to recoil and clear his throat. “I mean, that's not possible. We’re a publicly traded business. We have a fiduciary responsibility to our investors.” “You’re right,” Celestia concluded, leaning back in her seat. “Thank you for seeing reason, you’re maj-” “Which is why we should consider nationalizing your company. Under the purview of the crown you will have no need to worry about things like profit margins and fiduciary anythings,” Celestia remarked. “I uh… woah would you look at the time!” Mister Bell exclaimed, glancing down to his wrist where there was no watch. “I’m totally over my allotted fifteen minutes. I’ll come back another time.” “No, don't go. I’ll clear my entire schedule. Raven,” Celestia began, her head spinning around to face the secretary. “No, that won't be necessary!” Mister Bell shouted. “I’m actually late for a meeting anyway. How about next month sometime, say the thirty-first?” “I’ll see you then, mister Bell,” Celestia agreed. “Great. Awesome, sweet. Thanks so much for your time,” he muttered before scurrying out of the room so fast that he nearly ruined his mane. Celestia waited until the stallion was gone before leaning towards her secretary. “It's not a leap year, is it?” Celestia whispered. “No. It is not,” Raven replied. “I figured as much,” Celestia concluded. Sunset grumbled silently from her position behind the throne room. Though invisible, she still shirked away from Raven’s gaze, mindful of how her spell may shimmer if seen from the wrong angle. “Raven,” Sunset called, her voice still altered so it sounded like Celestia’s and came from the dead mare’s mouth. “When was the first recess of the day? It's already mid-afternoon and we have yet to break.” “You said you didn't need one yesterday,” Raven replied without looking up from her schedule. “You said today was backlog day and that you intended on working through nearly all of the most irritating of practitioners.” “I did?” Sunset muttered. “You did indeed. You even told me to quote, ignore any begging, pleading, bargaining, or threats of violence that you may level my way. You were quite insistent on getting all of these done,” Raven continued, glancing up from her sheet of paper. “Why? Should I have lunch delivered to the throne room? I believe we are having a Caesar salad today.” “No, that's fine. I’m uh…” Sunset Shimmer muttered. “On a diet.” “Really? You… you’re on a diet,” Raven exclaimed in shock, her gaze actually lifting from her clipboard. “Yes. I am. Why, do you have a problem with that?” Sunset shot back, using her magic to place Celestia’s forehooves on her hips. “No, no of course not. I’m just curious if you’ll follow through is all. You know what they say. Four hundredth and seventh fifth time is the charm,” Raven murmured, half to herself. Sunset had to stifle a laugh, her mirth crushed under the realization that she may very well have to sit here all day. Her magic was strong, but staying invisible for that long while maintaining the ventriloquism spell, and the voice modifier along with the puppet spell would be stressful. If nothing else it would prove to be a worthy challenge, though that thought felt empty to the mare. “Should I send the next pony in?” Raven asked. Sunset Shimmer glanced out the window, to where the sun was barely visible, its path having nearly reached its zenith. “Yes, go ahead,” Sunset muttered in defeat. Sunset exhaled slowly from her nose, gaze flicking to the slowly setting sun in the distance. The flaming orb had nearly completed its journey across the sky and had yet to falter for whatever reason. Sunset had always assumed it would get stuck in its position if Celestia were to die, yet here they were. The young mare didn't want to question her good fortune however, neither about the sun, nor about how she had made it through an entire day court without either flambaying anyone or letting it slip that Celestia had been dead the entire time. “And lastly we have Prince Blueblood,” Raven Inkwell announced. “No,” Sunset muttered. “No, it can't be. That's too much!” “I’m afraid he has the legal right to demand at least one audience a week, Your Highness,” Raven replied dryly as if this was something she had repeated a dozen or more times already. “But I’ve been good. I didn't even incinerate that guy that wanted us to lower the age of consent!” Sunset exclaimed. “Yes, that was a startlingly bit of restraint on your part. Still a little singed, but nothing a few healing spells won't fix,” Raven muttered. “Focus Raven. I can't see him! Especially not now,” Sunset shouted. “I know how you feel you’re majesty but I’m afraid-” Raven began. The doors exploded inward, and in strode Prince Blueblood, nose raised so high in the air that it was a miracle he could even see where he was going. “Auntie! So good to see you again!” Prince Blueblood declared. “You are as radiant as ever.” The prince strode all the way up to the throne and had opened one hoof, as if readying for a hug before being stopped. “Wait, don't,” Sunset replied, holding out one of Celestia’s hooves. “I have uh… a cold.” Sunset then puppeted Celestia’s corpse into making a coughing action. “You really should have said something sooner Auntie,” Blueblood scowled, scuttling away from the throne and covering his mouth with a hoof. “I very nearly breathed in some of your disgusting germs. At least that explains the smell in here.” Or it is the beginning of decomposition but you don't need to know that. Sunset Shimmer through to herself. “Right, straight to business then?” Blueblood offered. “Please,” Sunset replied, gesturing with one of Celestia’s limp hooves. “Well the reason I stand before you today is one of great and terrible importance,” Blueblood began, his hoof raising into the air as if he were speaking to a crowd and not a secretary and a corpse. “For you see dear auntie we are faced with a problem the likes of which this great nation has not seen for generations.” Blueblood began to pace back and forth in front of the throne. “Why, not since the griffon insurrection of fourteen ninety-eight have we faced such a calamity, such a debacle, such a uh…” Blueblood tapped his chin. “Dilemma such as this!” “What exactly is the problem?” Sunset asked. “This is no mere problem, Auntie. This is a conflict for the ages, an issue that will define a generation,” Blueblood proclaimed, stomping around as if he were trying to inspire an army. “What you say today shall be spoken of in hushed whispers for years, and recorded in history books for all time!” “Yes but what exactly-” Sunset began. “What can you do? Oh you can do much but I don't know if even your vaunted power, your ancient wisdom can answer such a dire question at this,” Blueblood stopped and placed a hoof over his heart. “And if you do, I don't know if I have the strength to bear the weight of what you may say.” Off to the side, Raven yawned. “What the hell is the issue Blueblood?” Sunset demanded, waving Celestia’s forehoof around. “Is Manehatten seceeding?” “Worse,” Blueblood murmured. “Don't tell me the griffons are raiding our eastern borders again,” Sunset muttered, concern starting to worm its way into her heart. “This is of even greater concern than such a minor border conflict,” Blueblood replied. “What is it then? Discord? Nightmare Moon? The stars are falling out of the sky?” Sunset demanded, her voice rising to the point that it was nearly a shriek. “No…” Blueblood replied, leaning forward. “I am in need of an advance on my allowance.” Sunset Shimmer stood there, mouth agape. Celestia’s corpse lay limply in a heap, its eyes staring in different directions and its hooves splayed. “Uh… Are you alright Auntie?” Blueblood asked. “That is what you came to ask for?!” Sunset shouted. Celestia’s body lurched upward, and all at once the dead alicorn loomed over the unicorn noble standing before it. “You come to me today, plying me with stories about how you bear the darkest news imaginable only to ask for more bits!” Sunset screamed in anger. “Well, it is quite concerning. You see Royal Red was having a garden party on the weekend and I really need a new outfit. Fall colors are in you see and I don't have anything to wear,” Blueblood continued, the pony trotting further and further away from the throne. “You need new clothes, that is why you came here and wasted my time?” Sunset demanded. Celestia’s body awkwardly trundled forward, all but chasing Blueblood toward the exit. “I uh can see that you are in a bit of a mood. Probably that time of the month. Perhaps I shall return tomorrow sometime,” Blueblood muttered. “You will not come back tomorrow, or the day after that, or for an entire week!” Sunset Shimmer shouted, her voice still originating from the throne, where Celestia’s corpse no longer was. “Are you… grounding me?” Blueblood whispered, tears budding at the edges of his eyes. “I am grounding you for an entire week. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done!” Sunset retorted, waving Celestia’s forehoof in a random direction. “Oh, Auntie you’re so mean!” Blueblood cried before sprinting out of the room, sobbing all the while. “Raven. I am retiring to my room,” Sunset exclaimed, slipping out from behind the throne and hastily creeping across the room. “Uh yeah. Are you sure about the whole… grounding thing though? Blueblood is an adult you know,” Raven remarked. “If he is going to act like a child. I will treat him as a child. Now good day to you,” Sunset declared. Once beside Celestia’s corpse, Sunset grabbed hold of the dead mare’s hoof and teleported away. “Huh,” Raven muttered. “For a second there it almost looked like a tiny blur was standing next to Celestia.” The secretary paused for a moment before shrugging. “Whatever,” Raven murmured absently. “I’m going home.” With a pop, flash, Sunset appeared in Celestia’s room. The moment the spell was complete, Sunset dropped her teacher’s corpse and allowed her invisibility spell to fail. “Stars above that stallion is infuriating,” Sunset remarked to herself, only to frown. “Right. I should probably undue this voice modulator first.” After dispelling that particular effect, Sunset looked around to find that everything seemed normal. Celestia’s bedroom was exactly as it had been before, with nothing having been moved and nothing being out of place. “Now, to find that weird book bound in the monkey skin. The necrowahteveritscalled” Sunset muttered aloud. Trotting over to a bookshelf at the far end of the room, she searched the various shelves until she found her target. Grabbing hold of a tome bearing the title ‘Secret Window’ written by one S. King, Sunset pulled and then stepped back. A click was heard, followed by the whirring thud of distant gears turning and moving behind the wall. After a moment the bookshelf swung open, revealing Celestia’s inner sanctum of secret books. Amidst the sea of ancient lore, and lost knowledge sat a single large couch, upon which lay a familiar alicorn. In one hoof Celestia held popcorn while in the other was a bawdy romance book whose title, if repeated, would require me to add an extra warning for mentioning something of a sexual nature. “What?!” Sunset shouted. “You’re… you’re alive!” “Damn,” Celestia muttered, dropping the popcorn back into the bucket. “Is day court over already?” “How are you alive? You’re corpse is over there?” Sunset demanded, the mare glancing over to her shoulder where a dead Celestia lay only a dozen or so meters away. “Yeah about that,” Celestia began, tucking her book away and rising from her couch. “I can't actually be killed at least not in the literal sense anyway.” “What?” Sunset muttered. “You see Sunset, I don't just move the sun. I am the sun,” Celestia declared, gesturing to her right, where, several million miles away, was the sun. “That's the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day and I heard a stallion passionately argue that birds aren't real,” Sunset Shimmer deadpanned. “No really,” Celestia declared. “I discovered my true nature after I gained my wings.” “This is ridiculous,” Sunset muttered. “It’s true,” Celestia asserted. “Luna is the moon, obviously but the light side. Nightmare Moon is the darker side, but we won't have to worry about her for another few years anyway.” “But you… I’m going to ignore that for a second and ask what Cadance is then,” Sunset inquired. “She’s love, of course,” Celestia replied. “A lot of the fundamental forces of the universe enjoy becoming ponies every once and a while and if not ponies then other creatures.” “Like, Discord then?” Sunset asked. “He has to be chaos.” “Obviously,” Celestia exclaimed. “Augh. I can't believe this. Not only are you not dead but my dreams of becoming an alicorn are gone forever,” Sunset muttered. “Hey, I wouldn't lose hope yet. Sure it's going to become a lot less likely that you discover your true nature due to the whole murdering me thing but think about that emotional revelation you had while you were mourning me,” Celestia declared, wrapping a hoof around Sunset’s shoulders. “You made great strides fighting your inner demons and that takes a lot of streangth.” “It was all under false pretenses though!” Sunset shouted, shoving her mentor away. “I mean I was technically dead for a few minutes there before I reformed a new body so it wasn't completely false,” Celestia muttered with a shrug. “Wait. You were alive all day and you just… let me run day court?” Sunset muttered, trapped between being enraged and confused. “You did a great job by the way,” Celestia offered. “I’ll have to deal with Blueblood later but I think you really put the fear of god into him.” “Err thanks but- no! You can't distract me,” Sunset murmured. “Come on. Isn't that what you wanted? A taste of responsibility, an emotional revelation that helped you become a better pony, and now the truth about what it means to be an alicorn!” Celestia proclaimed, throwing up her hooves. “Today was a great da-” Celestia looked down at the new hole Sunset just blew in her chest. “Why?” Celestia wheezed. “That's for saddling me with your workload,” Sunset stated. Celestia chuckled weekly. “Fair,” murmured the alicorn before toppling over. Sunset Shimmer waited for a few seconds until she was certain her mentor was dead. Then she walked over to the other pony, took one of her forehooves, and gently kissed the back of it. “And that,” Sunset whispered. “Is for finally telling me the truth.”