> A Hearth's Warming Smile
>  by ThePeer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Why Can't I smile
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe this Hearth's Warming would be different, I had prepared everything so meticulously, making sure every element was perfect. I woke up and found Spike sleeping next to me, I smiled, because smiles were supposed to make me feel happy, it was supposed to make me feel, something. 

I had to force myself out of bed, just like last Hearth's Warming, I walked down the stairs of the Golden Oak library, and smiled, every square inch was decorated it was all supposed to look so pretty, not gray, but if I smiled enough, I am sure eventually color would return. 

I cooked the perfect Hearth's Warming  Breakfast, making sure everything was perfect, I made sure to scramble the eggs just as spike liked it, with little corianders spread on top, and just a dash of pepper. He was so happy when I served it to him, I could see the bright glee in his eyes, it should have made me smile, but it didn’t. I smiled just, not like how I used to smile. He did not notice I did not make my own serving of food, which means I did a really good job making his so tasty, it should have made me happy.

I went out with Spike, to prepare for the Hearth's Warming festivities later, I had invited all the Girls for a Hearth's Warming Dinner tonight, it was going to be perfect, I was going to cook the perfect meal for all of them, and when I see all of their happy faces, I knew it's going to make me smile, it had to make me smile.

I got Applejack’s best apples, the alcoholic cider Rainbow Dash loves so much, Fluttershy’s Favorite Carrots, Pinky Pie’s best cake, and Rarity’s specialty made tea. Everything to make each one of the girls smile, I know it was going to be the perfect dinner, everyone was going to love it. 

I went past foals and fillies all with smiles on their faces, and I tried to hold a smile with them, because if I smile, I might be able to remember the Hearth's Warming of my fillyhood, and then maybe I will smile a real smile.

I went home and cooked the Hearth's Warming meal of my friend's dreams, I know it was going to be perfect, and I know it was going to make them smile, just like last Hearth's Warming, I smiled when they all entered into the perfectly decorated library, Rarity commented on how beautiful I made the whole thing, it made her smile, I wonder why it didn’t make me smile as well. 

Applejack loved the meal, she smiled when she took a bite out of one of the apples and she commented on how tasty they were, it made her smile as well, she told me I got the perfect apples and said it was better than the best apples grown on the farm, I was supposed to be happy to hear that, I simply smiled.

Pinky Pie said that the cake I baked was perfect, it had just the right amount of sugar and it made her just so excited, she started jumping around and smiling after she took just one bite. Pinky being Pinky always made Ponies smile, and she used to make me smile as well, I still held my smile.

Fluttershy said she was going to keep some of the carrots for her pet bunny, she asked me if that was okay with me, and I smiled and said it was alright. Fluttershy’s bunny friend was so cute, it used to make me smile, maybe it will make me smile again in the future, I hope it does because holding a smile is starting to hurt.

Rainbow Dash drank a little bit too much cider during the dinner, she was getting drunker and drunker, she was so happy, and her drunken smile was the widest, if not also the most delirious. She thanked me nearly a million times for finding the best cider in all of Equestria, and I smiled at that too, just like everyone else who smiled, but I knew my smile was different.

I gave everyone their gifts, a daring doo book to the drunken Rainbow Dash, a new cider grinder for AppleJack, bird-watching binoculars for Fluttershy, Confetti for Pinky Pie, and an emerald necklace for Rarity. They all smiled so wide when I gave them their Hearth's Warming gifts, and I tried to smile too, but it was really starting to hurt now.

I sent Spike off with Rarity, he jumped at the opportunity to sleep a night in the Carousel Boutique, I told him I had a special visitor coming to the library when he is gone… I lied. Once they left I finally was able to let go of the smile, everything was so empty, and nothing had changed, maybe when I woke up in the morning everything will be better. 

When I woke up the next morning it was still so empty, this Hearth's Warming was not different, none of them have been, I will always be like this, no matter what I do. I levitated a scroll and quill out of my bedside cabinet and wrote a little message explaining why I couldn’t smile, not really.

Then I ripped out the floor boards and took the rope I hide under them, I tied it to the ceiling, just the way AppleJack taught me, I took a chair and stood on it, before I took the rope and tied it into a noose, and placed it around my neck. I didn’t frown, I just felt nothing, so numb so apathetic, I wonder what my past self would have thought of me right now, she would probably see me as a pathic pony who deserves this. It had dawned on me these will be my last thoughts, I didn’t care too much about that either.

I jumped off the chair, and let myself fall, the rope constrained itself around my neck, and I felt my throat tighten, as it was denied any oxygen from the outside. It hurt, oh it hurt so much to choke, the ropes tightening grasp was slowly sucking the life out of me; what was I doing? My mind and body entered a primal flight or fight panic, as I lifted my hooves to struggle with the rope, I tried to spark my horn to life, to free myself, but it only released a few sparks. What have I done to myself, I was going to die, please I don’t want to die.

Everything started to go dark, and I felt death’s bonny hands begin to grab me and pull me away from my last grip on life, and then it all stopped. Something grabbed me and lifted me off the floor. My neck was freed from the grasp, of the rope, and light once again pierced through the darkness, revealing a Rainbow colored visage in my eyesight.

“Twilight! What were you doing!” I heard the familiar voice of the rainbow-maned pegasus I knew so well, her voice was broken up between sobs, as the fur on my shoulder began to grow wet.

I was so confused, my entire mind was spinning, my head felt so light, I could only think of one thing to ask “Rainbow Dash… wha.. What are you doing here?...”

“I came for the Daring Doo book, I left here… Twilight, please tell me what was that… is… is everything alright?” My eyes began to tear up, as the fear and pain from being so close to death finally caught back up with me.  

“No… I am not alright… Th-.. thank you for stopping me..” I felt Rainbow Dash pats the back on my back. She let me cry on her shoulders, and it made me feel something, for the first time in months I felt something.

“It's okay Twilight… I am here… please.. Don’t ever do that again…”, I felt her reassuring hooves pat my back “Let it all out Twilight..”, at that moment I felt an unfamiliar sensation nudge at my mouth. Ever so slightly, I finally smiled.