Octavia Is a Genie, Why Not
In a secluded corner of a thrift shop on Earth, a beautiful, dark gray mare showed no enthusiasm at all. "Hello. What do you want?"
Zachary Checkoff's hands still clutched an old lamp with a broken light bulb. "Who are you, and where did you come from?"
"When you were so gauche as to attempt sexual intercourse with that imitation Tiffany lamp, or 'rub one out' as the plebians say, you freed me from my imprisonment. Now I owe you three wishes."
"Really?" Zack wondered.
"Yes, really. Now get wishing, you stupid twat, before I change my mind and go back inside my prison."
Zack set the lamp down on a broken stereo receiver, and scratched himself. "I think my favorite fantasy is..."
a human gets sent to a Equestria with an orb that’s let them shoot lightning is raped found and healed
Octavia rolled her eyes. "Really?"
"Really! That's all my fantasy wishes combined into one!"
"Ok, it's your funeral."
An instant later, Zack found himself standing in a forest.
"Oh boy!" Zack said. "I can hardly wait to shoot lightning!"
Something hit the top of his head, knocking him out.
When Zack woke up, he was still in the woods, but lying down. His head hurt, and next to him an orb lay on the grass.
"Oh goody!" Zack shouted. "My orb! Now I can shoot"
The orb vibrated with a high-pitched, annoying voice. "Technically," the orb said, "I only let you shoot. I don't give you the ability to shoot. I just don't forbid you to shoot."
Zack groaned. "So annoying! Where's that genie who sold me these wishes?"
"Technically," the orb answered, "the genie didn't sell you the wishes, she gave them to you for free."
"What difference does it make? I still want to live my fantasies!"
"Over there," the orb said. "In the clearing."
Zack noticed a whirlwind of dancing sparkles of blue light. "There's no way this can go wrong!" he said, as he stood up and walked into the light, smelling ozone.
When Zack stood in the center of the whirling lights, he unzipped his pants, and pulled them down around his knees. "Whatever this is, I'm sure it's something I've always wanted to do!"
Zack woke up lying in tall grass, with his head hurting even worse. Somewhere, he heard some kind of ball bouncing and rolling, crunching grass, leaves, and twigs as it went.
"What happened?" Zack moaned.
The annoying voice from earlier said, "You didn't even ask if they wanted to do it. You just pulled your thing out and--"
"What difference does it make? This is my fantasy. Why don't I get anything I want?"
"This isn't your fantasy, this is your wish. That's quite a difference. Also, how could anyone be foolish enough to try to do that to wild electricity fairies?"
"What?" Zack said.
"That was one of your wishes. 'Lightning is raped.'"
"That's not what I wanted!"
"It's what you asked for. Didn't you even think that you might be electrocuted, if you tried to do that? It's a good thing for you that you only picked on the smallest, weakest kind of lightning, or your whole body would have been blown apart. 'Headless body found in topless bar?' That could have been you."
Zack whined, "This isn't fair."
"If you wanted fair, you should have wished for fair." The orb bumped up against Zack's ankle, tripping him. He fell sideways into the grass.
"And you know what else?" Zack complained.
"I know a lot of else. I can tell you more facts about sticks than hardly anyone."
"No! My crotch hurts really bad." Zack looked down at his still unzipped pants. "Part of my wish was to be healed. So where's my healing?"
The orb bounced higher, bumping Zack's butt. "Keep walking forward, Zack. You're headed straight towards it."
"Good! I can hardly"
The orb bounced even higher, knocking Zack unconscious again.
Zack woke up in a hospital bed, with shackles around his wrists and ankles. The room smelled like rubbing alcohol and other cleaners, and maybe just a little blood?
Zack groaned. "Where am I?"
On a table next to the bed, the orb said, "You're in a hospital bed."
"Finally! My healing!" Zack wondered, "But I don't feel any better."
A pony with a white body and pink mane entered the room, wearing a nurse uniform. "I'm sorry, Mister Creature. I can tell you're sick, but we can't treat you yet."
"Why not? Are you afraid of my human strength and powers?" Zack weakly lifted one wrist off the bed, and tried to shake it impressively.
"Not really. I'm afraid we haven't finished the intake process." The nurse dumped at least two pounds of blank forms all over the bed, making Zack flinch. "But don't worry! Twilight Sparkle redesigned our forms specially for you, to make them more complete. We'll find out plenty of what we need to know. Question one." The nurse picked up a pen with her mouth, then put it down again. "Does your species' crotch always have those strange blisters and scorch marks, or only when you are in mating season?"
"I think I need to use the bathroom."
"No problem! All you have to do is fill out all sixteen pages of the I Need To Use The Bathrooom Form, and you'll be good to go."
An hour later, Zack said, "Bedpan?"
"We do have them. But that's a different form. Are you sure you want to switch partway through?"
A moment later, after checking how much slack his chains had, Zack got out of the bed and dragged it behind himself towards the bathroom. He couldn't quite fit through the bathroom doorway while chained to a hospital bed, but he used one foot to flip the toilet lid up, and tried an arcing, long distance wee into the bowl. Some of the liquid even got in, more or less.
The nurse clucked her tongue at him. "You didn't even finish filling out your bathroom form first, Mister Creature! Bad patient!"
"Why aren't the doctors here trying to heal me?" Zack screamed.
"Technically," the orb said, "Your wish said, 'lightning is raped found and healed.' But don't worry! Unlike you, the electricity fairies are receiving excellent medical care after their traumatic experience." The orb sighed. "So generous of you, to wish for the lightning to be healed without worrying about yourself."
In the far corner of the room, a dark gray mare cleared her throat. "So, Zack, have we learned anything from this?"
Zack rattled his chains. "Best fantasy ever!"