Chapter 1: Arrival
Everyone on board the SR-2 Normandy was currently screaming, thinking that they were hurtling towards their imminent deaths, and soiling their collective pants.
It was a fairly normal day for the crew.
Half of today’s screaming was due to their nascent victory over the Reapers in the Battle of Earth. However, the other half was because the Normandy’s systems had failed after entering the Local Cluster’s mass relay. Due to the influence of the Crucible’s wave of energy, the ship exited into an unidentified system and was on a crash course with what appeared to be a garden world.
As a Systems Alliance helmsman, Jeff “Joker” Moreau had been trained that a good landing was one from which the crew could walk away (mainly) intact. Thus, he was focused on making sure that the Normandy’s unplanned descent would not result in a fiery explosion. Sure, Joker loved watching vids of skycar demolition derbies on the extranet as much as the next red-blooded human, but that did not mean that he ever wanted to be a participant, even without Vrolik’s syndrome compounding things.
Joker shook his head to bring back his attention to the matter at hand. The constant screaming (both the celebratory and involuntary bowel movement types) from the rest of the bridge and the lower decks were adding to his distraction. With a press of a holographic button, he closed the noise-dampening doors that separated the cockpit from the rest of the deck.
“EDI,” began Joker, looking over to the metallic body of his companion, “would you mind queuing up one of my piloting playlists?”
“I cannot connect to any music services over the extranet,” she responded. “There are no comm buoys in this system, indicating that either they have been destroyed by the Reapers or that we are the first interplanetary vessel to have arrived. Therefore, we are limited to locally cached data.”
“Do we have my usual available?”
“...playing ‘Big Daddy Joker Saves the Day,” EDI reluctantly complied.
Princess Twilight Sparkle sat at Desk #3 in Substudy #4 on Floor #3 of Namepending Castle. She had spent forty minutes staring at a blank piece of paper, with only the word “the” in a luxurious script to show for her time. Encased in purple magic, her quill hovered above the parchment. Twilight was in the middle of mentally berating herself for her idleness. She had saved Princess Luna from the clutches of Nightmare Moon, defeated and reformed(?) Discord, and put the smackdown on countless other villains. Celestia’s sake, she had ascended into alicornhood by reading a book too hard. Yet, Twilight could not come up with a decent name for her castle.
Suddenly, a flash of inspiration hit her, and she began scribbling down the names as they popped. A few moments later, she paused and peered at her jottings:
- The Friendship Castle
- The Castle of Friendship
- Friendship: The Castle
- Friend Fort
- Fort Friend
- Crystal Palace
- Crystal Friendship Palace
- The Palace of Friendship Crystals
- Horny Twi’s House of Friendship
- The Amigo Alcazar
- The Bro Bordello
- Golden Oaks Library 2: Friendship Boogaloo
Twilight finished reading and immediately smacked her head on the desk in despondence. Since alicorn skulls are, indeed, denser than wood, the surface of the desk began to splinter.
Suddenly, Twilight bolted up, her body going rigid. Inspiration’s blessed kiss had finally reached her weary mind. She had a name for the castle! The name of all names, one that would finally put “Namepending Castle” to rest.
Twilight then lost her train of thought at the sound of the earth-shattering crash outside.
Zaeed Massani was known for being many things: the founder of one of the galaxy’s most dreaded mercenary companies, a keen shot with an assault rifle, and a dab hand at Parcheesi. However, the skill that he kept secret and prized the most was his ability to nap anywhere. Being accustomed to fighting for days (if not weeks) straight, Zaeed understood the importance of catching a few winks whenever he could. He also had the habit of sleeping through combat when he felt he had not been paid enough. Although Zaeed had tagged along on the Normandy after Shepherd’s apartment party on the Silversun Strip on the Citadel, the Commander had never actually hired the grizzled old veteran for the upcoming clash against the Reapers. Zaeed had mainly tagged along for moral support (and to make sure that Grunt fared alright – he had grown fond of the krogan during their time together on the Engineering deck). Thus, Zaeed slept through the most important battle in galactic history, thanks in part to his earplugs and genuine pyjak-skin eye mask.
Zaeed could nap through many things, but a crash landing was not one of them.
Blearily, he slipped off his mask and reached over for Jessie. For the past twenty years, he slept with his beloved assault rifle by his side. She had been a more faithful partner to him than any woman, asari, or vorcha (don’t ask).
Zaeed made his way over to the Engineering terminals from his space near the trash compactor. Despite being tired of their belligerent sexual tension, he still wanted to ensure that Gabby and Kenneth were alright. Surprisingly, their workstations were empty.
Huh, guess that means that we’re not in combat and that the battle’s over, he thought.
He strode over to the elevator, punching the button for the Combat Information Center. It, too, was devoid of people. Despite his battle-hardened instincts, a shudder made its way down Zaeed’s spine. The lack of life in the CIC reminded him of the aftermath of the Collector attack on the Normandy before the suicide mission. He pushed those thoughts out of his mind and jogged over to the cockpit, wanting to see if Joker or EDI were present.
Zaeed paused just before the airlock, smelling the scent of fresh air. Cautiously, he peered around the corner. The airlock was open, and the Normandy’s neon orange emergency slide led down to a sunny meadow where the crew members were congregating. Zaeed was utterly baffled. Although the environment reminded him of Earth, he knew from the Alliance News Network vids that the planet had been ravaged. Where were they?
Then Zaeed noticed the colorful horses.