Ill Met By Moonlight
You’ve always loved looking up at the stars.
They say if you look up at the stars long enough, all your problems will begin to seem insignificant. Perhaps that’s true.
The stars of the Equestrian night sky shine brightly above you tonight. Moonlight illuminates the field you’re laying on. It turns the grass a shade of bluish green. The grass sways gently in the night breeze. You’re all alone out here, but somehow the loneliness feels comforting right now. Just you and the stars.
At least, you thought it was just you and the stars.
“Hey!”
You turn around to see Princess Luna herself standing behind you. You immediately enter a state of panic. Should you bow down? Or would that be patronizing? You decide to stay frozen in place and just stare at Luna.
“Haha, relax! I just came to see if you were enjoying the night,” she says.
“Uhhh, I… yeah?” you dumbly reply.
“Not too many people come out at night,” Luna says as she sits down next to you. “People are too busy to stop for a moment and take a look at the night sky.”
You don’t know what to say. You can’t even believe she’s really here. You want to ask her what it was like on the moon, but you fear that may be an insensitive question.
“So,” she says, “why are you out here? Are you seeking guidance from the stars? Studying them? Or just admiring them?”
“Admiring them, I guess,” you say. “It looks like you put a lot of work into them.”
Luna smiles. “Indeed I did.”
There’s a silence between you both for a while, but it’s not an awkward silence – just a relaxing one.
“Have you ever seen the aurora borealis?” Luna suddenly asks.
“I’ve seen it in pictures,” you say. “But never for real.”
She smiles at you again. “Watch this.”
A bright purple light surrounds her horn and she closes her eyes in concentration. A bright green shimmering light begins to unfold across the sky, shrouding the moon and turning the black night sky into various shades of green and blue.
You’ve never seen anything quite this amazing before. You stare at the sky, mouth agape, seemingly not able to even blink.
“Well?” Luna says. You don’t reply. You can’t seem to pull your eyes away from the incredible light show playing across the sky.
Luna lets out an adorable laugh. “I suppose that means you’re impressed, then.”
You sit with Luna for a couple of hours, simply staring at the sky and occasionally talking about a few things. You’re deeply amazed that she appears to have gotten over her banishment to the moon so quickly – she seems so happy out here, painting the night sky.
“You know,” she says after a long while. “You should come back to Canterlot with me. There’s a massive observatory there.”
Later that night, you’re sitting on Luna’s bed, staring at some distant planets through her telescope. Although you’re fascinated by what you see through the telescope, it must be getting into the early hours of the morning now. You decide you’d better get home.
“Hey, Luna,” you say, “thanks for spending the night with me. I’m gonna have to get going now, though.”
A slight look of disappointment appears on her face. “Oh. You know, I didn’t invite you back here JUST to use my telescope.”
“Then what…?” you ask.
“Well… I don’t know if the rules are different nowadays, but 1,000 years ago when a woman invited you back to her bedroom, it meant things were going to heat up.” She stares at you with the bedroom eyes.
“Wow. Um, no, the rules haven’t changed. I mean… uh…” you say.
“Well?” she asks, smirking. “How about it?”
“Of course,” you say. “Just gimme a minute.”
You trot into Luna’s bathroom and lock the door behind you. You were getting giddy – Princess Luna had just asked you to sleep with her!
Unless you were misreading the situation horrifically. You begin to panic. What if when she said “heated up” she was using some dumb 1,000 year old slang term that meant something completely different to what you’d interpreted?
You unlock the bathroom door and timidly speak to Luna. “Uh, hey,” you say. She turns to you. “You were asking me to, uhhh, sleep with you just now, right?”
Luna bursts out laughing. “Yes! What did you think I meant?” she laughs.
“Right, awesome! Just give me a minute.” You go back into the bathroom again.
You quickly rummage through the bathroom cabinet and find a razor. You’re gonna need to look good ‘down there’ if you’re gonna have sex with a PRINCESS.
You timidly touch the razor to your scrotum and gently begin shaving the pubic hair th-
4 loud knocks on the door. “Are you done yet?” Luna asks.
She startles you and causes you to slip backwards and your arm to jolt as you fall, sending the razor in an unpredictable direction.
“I’ll be out in a second…” you say. You can feel a burning pain on your ballsack, but you don’t want to look down to confirm what you think has happened. After a moment, you get the courage to look down.
Yep, you accidentally cut your ballsack open with a razorblade.
Resisting the urge to scream loud enough to wake everyone in Canterlot up, you fumble over to the sink and run some cool water and then awkwardly get yourself into a position that allows you to dip your wounded genitals in the soothing water.
Luna knocks at the door again. “What are you doing? I’m waiting,” she says.
“Uh, I’ll be out soon! I’m just… uhhh… having a crap!” you lie.
You cringe. That was the worst thing anyone has ever said, EVER.
“Uhh… okay, uhh… well, I’ll be waiting on the bed…” Luna says.
Panic sets in. How are you going to get yourself out of this misadventure?
You scramble over to the bathroom cabinet again, leaving a trail of blood from your balls as you go, and throw the door open. You frantically look for some bandages. There are none.
Okay, you think. You’ll have to come up with a really good excuse if you want to get out of this one.
“Okay,” you whisper to yourself. “How about I tell her… no, fuck it. Nope, there is no possible way I can ever make this look good.”
You decide to make a break for it. You try to climb out of the bathroom window…
…and get stuck.
“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHY?!” you yell in frustration.
Luna opens the bathroom door behind you.
“Um, I was wondering what was taking you so l- Oh my god, what happened to your balls?!” she screams.
“NOTHING! JUST GO BACK TO BED!” you yell.
“Why are you trying to go out of the window? W-what’s going on?!”
“Okay!” the annoyingly cheery stallion says. “We have a new member in our group therapy session today!” he points at you with his hoof. “Let’s all give him a warm welcome!”
“I don’t need therapy,” you say.
“Now, the first step is admitting you have a problem,” he says.
“I don’t have a problem,” you reply.
“Come on now,” the therapist says. “Princess Luna herself admitted you into this therapy class. She said you were acting in a very ‘disturbed’ way.”
“I don’t need therapy. I just slipped while shaving my… my balls, and it all got out of control,” you say. “I don’t need therapy, alright?”
“Well, I can see you’re going to be a bit of a sour-puss!” the overly cheery therapist says. “Let’s all give him a nice, warm welcome anyway!”
Ugh, 3 weeks of this…