> Dear Leader but He's In Equestria
>  by RickAndMicrophone
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter One but Jim's day "working" at his restaurant is cut short and he meets horse royalty
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim Pickens was happy about the success of his new restaurant. He was able to trap several customers in it because he hired a bouncer who would not let anybody out unless they were a 5 Star Celebrity. It was an elaborate scheme, one that only an evil genius would come up with. That's exactly what Jim is.

The only items on the menu were pufferfish, which could be deadly if prepared improperly, and a glass of water. On occasion, Jim would serve breadsticks. Most of the time he'd eat half of them himself while the customers wouldn't buy them, even though it was the only non-deadly food they served there. It was also free. What moron would pass up on something that was free for fuck sake?

Anyways, everything was going great for Jim. People were dying left and right due to the terrible pufferfish the chef would cook, the urns would be put outside to keep the customers from "crying over spilled milk" as Jim would say, and Jim's good pal Shrek would impregnate the male customers just by waving. Business was booming.



It was 8 hours later when something more odd than usual happened. Jim was just eating a breadstick in the bedroom behind the restaurant, which Jim just built for the restaurant for no particular reason, when Shrek came in and noticed him.

"Jim!" Shrek cried.

"What do you want, Shrek? I have breadsticks to attend to," Jim griped.

"Yer glowing!"

"Why thank you, Shrek, but I'm not interested in flirting with people right now, I just want to eat my bre-"

"No, I mean yer literally glowing!"

Jim went silent. He couldn't think of a way to respond to such a ridiculous claim. 

Shrek must be feckin' blind, Jim thought. There's no way I'm glowing right now; I haven't done anything that would cause that to happen. I definitely haven't touched anything radioactive, right? Is First Name radioactive? He probably is, the little shit.

"I can tell ya don't believe me, ya fecker," Shrek said, a little peeved, "Look at yer bloody hands!"

When Jim followed Shrek's command, he noticed that Shrek was not blind as he hyperbolically thought. A goldish-yellow aura surrounded his hands, getting more intense with every second passing by.

Eventually he disappeared in front of Shrek's eyes in some sort of a magical "poof!"

Shrek waited several minutes before saying, "He better not be feckin' dead. I don't want ta lose me only friend forever."



Jim opened his eyes and stood up. Right away, he noticed that he didn't recognize the place he was in. Surrounding him were several pillars and monochromatic stained glass windows.

These pictures look feckin' boring, Jim thought. They should replace these windows with pictures of my likeness. That would spice up the place.

He then looked down to see that he was standing on red carpet, walking along it to see where it leads to. Looking up, he noticed a throne, designed with stars and the sun with a white unicorn with wings sitting on it. Or was it a pegasus with a horn? He didn't care, it was probably just a dumb animal. The true ruler of this place will probably be arriving shortly.

"So, I've been kidnapped by a monarchy," Jim said to no one in particular.

"It's actually a diarchy. I rule with my sister," the pegacorn (?) replied. "I didn't know I summoned an intelligent creature who could speak our language."

"WHAT THE FECK?" Jim screamed in confusion. "YOU CAN TALK?"

"Yes, I can. And as I've just stated, I and my sister rule this land we call Equestria. My name is Princess Celestia. What's yours?"

Still a little shocked by this princess horse speaking English, Jim tries to form a coherent sentence, but fumbles for words. "Uhh... my name is... er... Jim Pickens."

"Jim Pickens? That's a strange name. Do other creatures like you have such odd names?"

Jim was appalled that someone would insult his outstanding title. "The feck do you mean 'strange name?'"

"I..." Princess Celestia couldn't reply to that. This creature obviously thought highly of his name, whatever it meant.

"You know what? I don't care anymore. Let's talk about more serious matters," Jim said. "Why did you kidnap me? I was in the middle of eating a breadstick and running a successful restaurant."

"Truthfully, I just wanted an exotic pet, one that is of unknown species, unlike Philomena, my pet phoenix," Celestia replied. "It was going to be a surprise gift for my sister, but I can't give her an intelligent species now, can I?"

"Isn't that technically adoption?" Jim asked. "I mean, I'm too old to be adopted and I can take care of myself, but still."
Now that I think about it, I should've put First Name up for adoption, Jim thought after his question.

"I guess so," Celestia said with a chuckle before frowning. "and what you said about being too old is also correct, unfortunately. How am I supposed to find a pet for Luna now?"

"That's not my problem, Princess Celestia," Jim said abruptly. "I have other things to worry about, like getting back home, where I can continue running my restaurant."

"I understand," Celestia conceded, before making her horn glow, answering Jim's question about the glow that was on him that he forgot to ask, although this raised more questions.

Unfortunately for Jim, the glow didn't have any effect on getting him home. This really pissed him off.

"WHY THE FECK DID THAT ONLY WORK WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?" Jim swore.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pickens. I truly am." Celestia didn't know what to do with Jim. He had to stay in Equestria, while she tries to figure out how he's going to get home. He obviously doesn't know the culture of Equestria and, judging by his words, his society doesn't know how magic works.

I probably shouldn't let him live in the castle, because he definitely doesn't like it here, Celestia thought. Maybe, I could send Mr. Pickens to Ponyville. That's where I sent Twilight to learn about friendship. Obviously, he needs some friends if he doesn't wish to stay lonely.

A warm smile grew on Celestia's face.

"I have a great idea, Mr. Pickens," Celestia began. "You will spend the remainder of your 'vacation' in Ponyville. It's a wonderful town in Equestria. The locals there are very friendly. You don't have to worry about any danger. Well, most of the time you don't."

I'm sure most of the time, I'll be the one causing the danger, princess. Maybe I should go, I might be able to continue my cult in Ponyville, regardless of the dumb name. Just imagine it. Me and a bunch of horses WooHooing and being mischievous. Actually, scratch the WooHooing. I'm not into that sort of thing with horses. Jim thought to himself.

"Anyways, it's a nice town, and I hope you don't mind staying there until I figure out how to send you back to your world. Is that okay with you, Mr. Pickens?"

Jim Pickens responded almost immediately, "I'll be more than happy to."

"Then it's settled," Princess Celestia declared. "You'll be going to Ponyville. I'll just cast a spell and you'll be there almost immediately."

"Wait a feckin' minute," Jim Pickens tried to argue, but it was too late. Princess Celestia cast the teleportation spell and Jim was standing next to a giant gingerbread house.

Goddamnit, thought Jim. If she couldn't teleport me home, how the FECK could she teleport me here? And why is this pink horse looking at me funny?

Before he could ask the pink horse what she was doing, she gasped very loudly and darted away.

"What's her problem?" Jim questioned before heading into the gingerbread house. "I better have not just encountered a witch that might throw me into an oven like in Hansel and Gretel. Actually, scratch that. I hope she's a witch. I might just to add her to my cult."
> Chapter Two but Jim meets the locals and thinks of ways to pass the time
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Jim went into the gingerbread house, he realized he wasn't actually invading someone's home. He had just entered a bakery. It was full of cupcakes, donuts, and other things you typically find at a bakery. However, there was a certain food he couldn't find.

Damn, I wish they had breadsticks in here, Jim thought. This should be illegal. A food store of any kind that doesn't sell breadsticks is a sin against me. And why are these colors so bright?!? It burns my eyes!

The oversaturated purples and yellows really bothered Jim, but so did everything else about the land. He couldn't impregnate anybody, because they are different species and he didn't want any more ugly children like First Name, and his cult members are nowhere near Equestria, so he has to recruit new members.

Okay, that might not be so bad. He hopefully gets to add new members to his cult. I'd say that's a win. Oh, you want Jim's opinion? Well, he's too busy complaining about the lack of breadsticks in the bakery and his doomed lineage that he won't even take care of.

"Ummm... Can I help you... weird creature?"

Jim snapped out of his breadstick-related thoughts and turned to the entity that was speaking to him. It most likely was a female horse, possibly middle-aged. Her hair and tail looked like cupcake frosting with different shades of pink. The rest of her body was a blue color and she had three cupcake tattoos on her ass. She was also wearing a yellow apron with some pink... thing... on it.

"Do you have any breadsticks, Mrs. Horse?" Jim asked, not completely snapped out of his breadstick-related thoughts.

"We're called ponies, dearie. Not horses. And we will gladly make some breadsticks for you. Do you have any bits?"

"I can't really tell the difference between the two and what do you mean by 'bit'?" Jim asked.

"That's the currency we use in Equestria," the pony said, forgetting she's talking to a foreigner of a different species. It was pretty much implied that he was not from around here. "Do you have any money on you? I could probably convert it to bits."

"Do you accept Simoleons?"

"What now?"

"Never mind, I'll just go," Jim said as he walked out of Sugarcube Corner, cursing internally at the restaurant for not giving him free service.



Jim was walking through the city, unsure of where to go at this point. Every place in this city looked the same and all any of the ponies could do was stare at him because he looked different, especially when they realized he could understand them. That didn't bother him, though. He just kept on walking.

While he was walking, Jim was thinking of some goals he would achieve before Princess White Horse finds a way to poof him back to his restaurant, where Shrek and the dying customers were.

Maybe, I should try and overthrow this diarchy, Jim considered. That way, if there's no way for me to get back home, I can rule over the land and make these ponies fight to the death in gladiator-style battles. Sure, I'll probably run out of Elixirs of Life, unless I find a pony that makes such elixirs, but it'll be worth it to see the weekly scheduled bloodshed.

Or maybe I could open a restaurant here that also sells raw pufferfish, or an equally deadly vegan equivalent, assuming these ponies are herbivores, which they probably are. I could also serve breadsticks there, as well. They'll either die from food poisoning or I'll make them addicted to breadsticks. It'll be a win-win situation.

Unfortunately, while he was thinking of possible and completely normal ways to pass the time, he bumped into a tree house. A literal house made from a tree.

"Spike, what was that?" Jim could hear a muffled voice in the house tree, meaning someone was currently inside. There were at least two ponies in the house because he heard another voice afterward.

"I don't know. Should I open the door? Someone could be outside."

"No, you should keep the door closed it's probably a telemarket-OF COURSE YOU SHOULD OPEN THE DOOR!!!!"

"Alright, alright. I'll get the door."

Before Jim could comprehend what just happened, a tiny lizard that looked like Barney the Dinosaur opened the door.

"What the heck/feck are you?" Spike and Jim said at the same time.

"I thought there were only ponies in this place. I never thought I'd see a giant lizard here," Jim stated.

"Actually, I'm a very scary dragon. I breathe fire," the dragon said, trying to sound scary but blatantly failing. "The name's Spike."

"That sounds like a dog's name," Jim responded, obviously unimpressed, annoying Spike. "My name's Jim. Jim Pickens. And speaking of fire..."

Jim then started singing a very beautiful K-Pop song, known by many as "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Unfortunately, the lyrics are copyrighted, so we cannot display them here. It's probably for the best, as even reading the lyrics can make the strongest of men cry due to its beauty.

Of course, both Spike and a purple pony behind him were crying at this beautiful rendition of a classic Johnny Cash song even minutes after he was finished.

"That was beautiful," the purple pony said while wiping tears from her eyes. "What brings you here, besides your lovely music? My name's Twilight Sparkle by the way. "

Jim looked up at the sky. It was almost sundown and he was very tired from walking around aimlessly all day.

"Can I sleep here tonight? I think it's about to become nighttime, and I don't want to be awake after dark. I'd also like something to eat, as I haven't eaten all day. I'll be gone by tomorrow."

"Nonsense, you can stay as long as you'd like," Twilight contested. "Come in."



"This guy sure does love breadsticks," Spike noted. "He's eaten at least 20 of them in half an hour."

"At this rate, I'm gonna need to buy more in 10 minutes," Twilight joked.

Jim ignored the "scary" dragon and Twilight and began to eat his twenty-first breadstick. He could swear he heard his stomach say, "More. MORE! MOOOOOOOOORE!" every single time he finished one.

Meanwhile, Twilight was eating a burger, but instead of meat, it was hay. In hindsight, Jim should've expected that. However, Jim did not expect that Spike would be eating some sort of jewel.

Are his teeth strong or is that jewel just weak as feck? Jim asked in his mind.

After finishing #25, his stomach said, "Okay, that's enough," figuratively speaking of course.

"Well, I think it's time we all went to bed," Twilight suggested. "Jim, you can take the empty bed for two. Me and Spike will just sleep where we usually sleep."

"I don't care, I'm feckin' tired," Jim moaned.

"Then, it's settled, I guess," Twilight said.

Jim, Twilight, and Spike then went to their respective beds. While Spike and Twilight were fast asleep, Jim was thinking about his dead son, Beejay, and how he'd always sleep next to him in bed.

I wonder how my clown-faced son is doing in hell, Jim wondered, as he drifted off to sleep.
> Chapter Three but Jim's dreams are too godly for even royalty to lay eyes on
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What in Equestria is this doing here?”

Princess Luna was jumping between the dreams of the ponies in Equestria to alleviate them from bad nightmares, as she did every night. However, something was different about tonight. A new mind has entered the dream realm, but it wasn’t a newborn, nor was it an immigrant from another country. At least, they didn’t go through the immigration process legally.

That wasn’t the problem, though.

Luna was unable to enter the dream of the unknown mind due to a locked door keeping her out. A literal door was keeping the princess of the night from entering somepony’s dream. The note attached to the door was also very peculiar.

To whom it may concern,

This door is locked for everyone but Jim Pickens. Trust me, you'll want to keep it that way.

Thanks,
Kevin

P.S. This note was made back in 2017. It's nothing personal. I swear.

P.P.S. How the feck did you enter Jim's mind anyway? That's a feat in and of itself. Feck, I don't even know how I got here.

Luna noticed the names mentioned in the note: Jim Pickens and Kevin. Both of these names were unfamiliar to her. 

Then, she remembered something.

Her sister had mentioned a Jim Pickens was staying in Ponyville for a while. However, she never mentioned anything about somepony named Kevin.

"Who's Kevin and why doesn't he want me near Jim's dreams?" Luna asked to no one in particular. "The poor thing could be having a nightmare and I wouldn't be able to help him."

Just then, a strange creature opened the door. It didn't even notice Luna was there, because it was too busy looking down at a device. She didn't know what it was, but it obviously distracted the creature from its surroundings.

"Why is there no signal around here? I want to play God Simulator!" it complained to the device, still completely distracted by it.

"Excuse me," Luna began. "but are you the one they call 'Jim Pickens?'"



Jim was looking at his cell phone, trying to see if he could get a WiFi connection in... wherever he was.

"Why is there no signal around here? I want to play God Simulator!" he complained, frustrated that he can't download God Simulator from Google Play.

"Excuse me, but are you the one they call 'Jim Pickens?'"

Jim looked up from his phone to see that a dark blue pegacorn (he still doesn't know what the proper term is) was looking at him. Turning around, he realized he had just opened the door that blocked anything from entering his dreams. He quickly shut the door and locked it, turned back to the blue pegacorn, and said, "Yes. Nice to meet ya. Now, what do ya want?"

"Well, Mr. Pickens. My name is Princess Luna and..."

"Wait... don't you rule this place along with... what's her face?"

"If you're talking about my sister, Princess Celestia, then yes. However, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if I could go into your dreams."

"I would have to say no to that. It sounds like you'd be invading my privacy. Shouldn't you have a warrant to enter a man's dream?"

Luna just stared at Jim, as if he was the crazy one. Jim decided to end the awkward silence by saying, "Why do you want to look at my dreams exactly? They're perfectly normal, I can tell ya that much."

"Well, I'm the princess of the night," Luna began. "As princess of the night, it is my duty to come into the dreams of ponies."

"For what reason?" Jim asked, unsatisfied with such a vague answer.

"I get rid of all the bad nightmares."

"Well, I never have any. I always sleep well. There's no need to come into my dreams at all. Please leave. Thank you very much."

Now, the princess of the night was suspicious. She began to think about what to say next, as to make things not get so needlessly ugly.

This "Jim" character doesn't want her to see his dreams. Even if he's not having any troubles, he should at least be open to someone seeing what thoughts he has about... whatever he's dreaming about, right? It's not like he's dreaming about some nefarious plot against Equestria. He's only been here for a day! I have to say something to make him more comfortable about showing me his dreams, Luna thought.

"If you think your dreams are strange, Jim, it's perfectly fine. I've seen my fair share of... unpleasant dreams... that ponies experience. I'd rather not talk about them, but I'm still sane, so I'm sure I can handle your dream," Luna assured Jim.

It's your funeral, pony. Not even my best friend Shrek could comprehend the beauty that I conjure up in my mind, Jim cautioned Luna in his thoughts before conceding. "Okay. I'll let you in, pegacorn. It's not like anything interesting happens."

Jim then unlocked the door. While they were going into Jim's dream, Luna commented, "We're alicorns. Not pegacorns. I'm assuming they don't have alicorns where you come from."

Jim didn't feel like responding, because he was too busy being a ghost in his haunted house.



"This doesn't seem that bizarre of a dream. It's just a haunted house, much like the one's depicted in those Nightmare Night stories. Your species must have a similar holiday to that, correct?" Luna asked the ghost of Pickens.

Luna and Jim were in a hallway full of pictures. Luna presumed these pictures were of Jim's family, but Jim believed that "family" was a strong word.

"I think it's called Halloween, or something. I don't know, kids don't usually come to my door to ask for candy. That's usually how Halloween works," Jim responded, while possessing a photograph of Pumpkin, his dead evil cat. "I think they're afraid of me. I don't know why they would be. I'm a nice guy."

"I've been in a similar situation during my first Nightmare Night celebration," Luna noted. "You see-"

Before Luna could go on a boring tangent about her life problems (Jim's words, not mine... Okay, maybe they were also mine), she heard a voice in the distance.

"Nightmare Night? More like... Bore: Ragnarok."

Afterwards, she heard a bunch of faint laughter and decided to follow the noise. It was coming from another room across the hall.

As she slowly trotted towards the noise, she decided to ask the mischievous, but otherwise harmless, ghost some questions.

"I understand from my sister that she teleported you to Equestria, thinking you were some sort of exotic creature. What is your species exactly?"

The ghost responded. "I am what they call a 'human.' I don't know what the scientific term is. It's "homo" something."

So, Twilight Sparkle's dream about bipedal creatures going to a school that looked like a castle was based on real creatures? How could she predict one would come here? Luna thought before asking her second question.

"What is your culture like?"

Jim knew he couldn't answer that truthfully. If he mentioned how he had minions in his basement, he'd probably become an enemy of the ponies. How would he be able to overthrow the diarchy then? "We have restaurants that serve great food, schools to educate the youth, theaters that present high quality movies, computers that-"

"What's a movie and what's a computer?" Luna interrupted.

"A movie is like a book which you watch and hear instead of read. Computers are devices which can be used for several things, such as calculating numbers, playing games, and writing bad fiction novels." Jim replied, possibly casting aspersions at this fanfiction. "Look at that. We reached the comedy room."

Luna had forgotten all about why she was walking in the first place at this point. Somehow, she couldn't hear any laughter anymore. It took her a few seconds to react, but when she did, she turned toward a stage. On the stage, there was a short and nearly hairless human, with the exception of some patches of gray hair, standing there. He was wearing a pair of black glasses, a teal, buttoned-up shirt, some gray pants, and black shoes. All that came out of his mouth was strange noises, with some noticeable Equestrian phrases: "Bop it," "Pull it," etc. She could've sworn she heard such noises and phrases before, but couldn't pinpoint exactly where.

"I don't get it," Luna said bluntly.

"What do you know? You're just a dumb horse with a horn... and wings apparently. The art of Bop It™️ is to be taken seriously," the short human angrily responded.

"This is a comedy club, though. Is it not?" Luna refuted.

"Just shut up and let me play my Bop It™️!" the human screamed.

Before Luna could scold the angry human for not understanding how a comedy club worked and for being so rude, something strange happened.

She was suddenly sitting in a sofa to the right of Jim and some unknown human with blonde hair, possibly female.

"I need to bathe. I'll return shortly," Jim said as he walked to the bathroom.

"I will take a nap," said the unknown human, in the manliest voice for a female Luna had ever heard, before standing up and walking towards a nearby door, "but first, I'll go over here, because I couldn't edit this out of the scene."

Why is Jim dreaming of all of this? It makes no sense! Luna asked herself, trying to comprehend the strange dream that was too weird to be classified as a nightmare. First, we're in a haunted house. Next, we're sitting on a couch speaking gibberish!

Before she could ask the human of unknown gender what her relation was like with Jim, she was suddenly not on the couch anymore and the place was pitch black. She was starting to lose it. "I swear if I stay in this human's dream for even a second longer..."

She was then confronted by a green human. I'm sure you all know who this fecker is by now.

"Oh, hello there!" Shrek happily waved to Luna. "Me names Shrek. Ya got any onions?"

At this point, Luna was internally screaming, not sure how to respond to the nonsense that was Jim Pickens's dream.

"No. I. Don't." Luna said, taking breaths in between, trying and failing to calm down.

That didn't work and it only made Luna and Shrek angry. "How the feck am I supposed to appease the lord Jim, now?" Shrek griped.

"Wait, what?"

"Don't worry, Shrek," a familiar voice said. "We can just sacrifice the princess of the night instead."

Pinkie Pie bounced towards Luna with an evil grin on her face. Suddenly, she grabbed Luna.

"I wonder what alicorn tastes like," Pinkie said before cackling to the sky... or ceiling... at this point no one knows.

She then threw Luna into an oven that suddenly appeared from thin air and turned it on.

Luna watched as a bunch of ponies and humans gathered near the oven and chanted, "SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"

She couldn't take it anymore. She was extremely pissed.

"WHY ARE YOU PONIES ENCOURAGING THIS IDIOTIC RITUAL? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"I told you you wouldn't like my dreams," Jim teased, appearing out of thin air, much like everything else at this point.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"



"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Luna woke up and started hyperventilating.

Her sister was woken up by the screaming and went in to check on her.

"Luna? You woke me up with your rage. What happened? You never scream like this." Princess Celestia questioned, as she came in to her sister's room.

"That human's GASP dream GASP was a perplexing mess GASP" Luna replied, still bothered by her shared dream with Jim.

"What's a human, Luna?" Celestia inquired.

"Jim Pickens," Luna returned.

"Oh."
> Chapter Four(: Ragnarok) but Jim gets a surprise and flexes his masterful skills at Bop It™
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



One day ago...



Flashback noises can be heard and the stage is now set in Ireland, where the 1.9 million subscribed YouTuber by the name of Call Me Kevin starts recording his famous Sims 4 gameplay series.

"Hey there, friends. How's it going. My name is Kevin and today we're playing the Sims 4," the only Irish YouTuber in the world greeted.

During this playthrough, Kevin gets Jim Pickens to build a restaurant over someone else's home. Jim uses this restaurant to sell terribly cooked pufferfish. Everything was going smoothly for most of the time, but Kevin noticed that his favorite sim was glowing yellow.

"It must've been the breadsticks," Kevin joked. "They must be what's giving Jim this heavenly glow."

Suddenly, the Dear Leader disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving a shocked looking Kevin. It was silent for a good minute before Kevin spoke again.

"The feck just happened to Jim? Is my game broken?"

Kevin was upset that one of his channel icons had just disappeared right in front of him, but he had a plan.

He constantly hit random keys on his keyboard and clicked several times with his mouse. When that didn't work, he decided to execute plan B.

"Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to end this episode here. Hopefully EA makes a patch for this like before, because I don't want to have to make a Jim Pickens-less Sims 4 episode. It just wouldn't sit well with either of us. Anyways, thank you for watching. I appreciate it as always and I do hope to see you next time. Bye for now."

Kevin could only hope the Dear Leader would return with an EA patch. That's a terrible fecking plan! Fictional Kevin is so stupid!


Now back to the present...



"Ah. What a wonderful dream," Jim said as he woke up from his slumber.

"Good morning, Jim," Twilight yawned, having also just woken up. "I assume you slept well."

Jim, not bothering to respond, noticed the baby dragon acting like he was choking on something. What he coughed out was some green flame, which morphed into a piece of paper.

Was he eating paper in his sleep?, Jim wondered. Makes sense, because he ate gems last night. Must be a severe case of pica. And it looks like he wasn't lying about breathing fire. He's still not scary in the slightest, though.

"A letter from Princess Celestia? This early in the morning? Must be urgent," Twilight noted. "What does it say Spike?"

Spike began to read the letter:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Luna's been acting... peculiar... since she woke up this morning. She's been blaming it on the dreams of a human. However, there's only one human in Equestria and he didn't seem like a huge threat to the land when I first met him. By "met him" I mean teleport him to our world. He's actually from another world and I'm working on opening a portal to his home, so you don't need to worry about that. All I need you to do is make sure he doesn't do anything that would completely annihilate ponykind. Befriend him, too. Right now, I'm trying to calm Luna down and make sure SHE doesn't do anything that would completely annihilate ponykind. Anyways, report any suspicious activity in Ponyville that may be the result of the human's actions. You've probably seen him around Ponyville. He kind of looks like a minotaur without horns. He goes by the name "Jim Pickens" and he wears glasses.

Sorry about the rushed letter. Luna just threw a vase at one of the guards. Don't bother replying, I'm going to have to take her to a therapist. Just find Jim and make sure he doesn't cause somepony else to go insane.

Your concerned teacher,
Princess Celestia

P.S. She keeps saying "feck." What does that even mean?

That... what was the term she used? Alimony? Whatever. That princess shouldn't have went into my dreams if she didn't want that to happen, Jim scolded in his mind.

"How did you even make Princess Luna go crazy like that?" Twilight inquired. "She hasn't been that crazy since she was sent to the moon for 1000 years by her sister."

"I'd probably do the same thing to my siblings if I had any," Jim replied. "and to answer your question, Mrs. I-already-forgot-your-name, she went into my dreams. You wouldn't want to see my dreams."

"I'll... take your word for it. Also, my name is Twilight Sparkle," the purple pony said, slightly peeved, "It looks like you're going to have to follow me around now, so you don't do anything to scare the Ponyville residents. I mean, you made a princess go ballistic last night in your sleep. Who knows what you're going to do while awake! Making you follow me all day will also allow me to show you around Ponyville and everypony can get used to you being around. Right now, I'm going to Sugarcube Corner with Spike to get some breadsticks, because we just ran out. I'll just grab some bits and-"

"That's the currency here, right?" Jim asked, hoping he can start collecting money to get things for what he's planning.

Twilight nodded. "Yes, but I don't think you should worry too much about money right now. Just follow me and Spike. We'll introduce you to some of our closest friends."

I hope they're not as overprotective as this bitch, Jim thought. I want to overthrow the diarchy and start my cult as soon as possible, starting with that witch that ran away from me yesterday. And this Twilight Zone sounds really intelligent compared to the people back home, so I probably have to be careful with who I kill and how I kill. They probably have morals or something. I don't want to get myself arrested.



The moment they went downstairs, everything was dark for some reason. When they turned on the light...


SURPRISE!!!!!!!


Everybody and their grandma (seriously, there was an old pony in a rocking chair at the party) had showed up to Twilight's tree house for... something. Jim didn't understand until he saw the giant banner.


WELCOME TO PONYVILLE, WEIRD TALKING HAIRLESS MONKEY


Jim didn't react, but he knew that should've been worded better.

Before the confused trio could say anything, the pink witch pony who Jim wants for his cult hopped on top of the poor man, knocking him over.

"Hiya," the pink one suddenly greeted. She held out a hoof and violently shook Jim's hand. "my name is Pinkie Pie. I'm throwing you party since your new to Ponyville! We got pin-the-tail-on-the-monkey, Twister™, Bop It™, darts-"

"Why the feck are you throw-" Jim was about to ask, but was interrupted.

"I throw parties for every new pony around here."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Fair enough," Jim conceded. (Never thought I'd put those two words together.) Pinkie Pie paused, shrugged, and dashed off to who knows where. Jim got up from the ground and realized he forgot to do something very important.

I forgot to ask her to join my cult, Jim thought. I should ask her next time.

Twilight whispered to Jim, "I should warn you. Pinkie Pie defies all logic and reasoning. Don't try and figure out how she can do the stuff she does." Jim just nodded, knowing that his own world can also sometimes do mysterious things. Twilight and Spike just stayed at the party. Twilight just sat there and read a book like a boring person, while Spike went to play darts as one of the only two entities at the party that had opposable thumbs.

Before he could enjoy the party thrown for him, which automatically made it the best party thrown in the land, Pinkie Pie grabbed Jim and made him greet every single one of her friends. Some were more interesting to talk to than others.

There was Applejack, who apparently lived at the Sweet Apple Acres the purple one and the "scary" dragon were about to go to before the surprise party. She was also the granddaughter of the old lady in the rocking chair mentioned earlier, named Granny Smith. She really liked to talk about her family, the fact that she has incredible strength, and the cooked apple desserts she made for the surprise party, which she claims are very delicious. Jim simply replied that she reminds him of the K-Pop artist known as Johnny Cash. Applejack didn't understand the reference, but took it as a compliment anyway.

Then there was Rainbow Dash, a pegasus who bragged about being the "fastest flier in all of Equestria." Jim was intrigued when she mentioned she possessed an element of loyalty, mainly because he was searching for potential cult members and he prefers cult members that are loyal to the cult. She kept bragging about wanting to be in some group known as the Wonderbolts. Jim wasn't paying attention. After not listening to an extremely detailed description of the flying group mentioned earlier, a white unicorn came up to the trio and introduced herself to Jim.

"Hello, darling. My name is Rarity," she greeted.

"Jim Pickens."

Immediately, she judges the Dear Leader's clothing choices and offers to make him a dress. She explains that she owns a boutique where she makes beautiful dresses for her friends and customers. "As long as you also make a bear costume with the dress," Jim replied. He wanted to keep his current clothing, because he didn't like that he was judged for his attire and he wanted the bear costume to scare the pony children. Rarity hesitated for a moment before agreeing to take the totally normal request from the Dear Leader.

A yellow pegasus named Fluttershy had also tried to introduce herself to the new human, but she was so quiet that Pinkie Pie had to introduce her to Jim. Jim thought she was mute and simply replied, "I don't think she understands sign language. She doesn't have hands." It took some explaining for Jim to realize she wasn't mute and she just spoke in a really low volume. All he learned about her besides the fact she's shy was that she took care of animals and offered him to stay with her if things didn't work out with Twilight.

I mean I already hate this Twilight bitch, but she provides me breadsticks, Jim thought. Speaking of which, is she going to buy more of those breadsticks?

Out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie gave Twilight a bunch of breadsticks. "I know you just ran out," she explained. "Thanks," Twilight replied. "I was just about to buy some from Sugarcube Corner." Jim saw no reason to leave the tree house with all these breadsticks in it. Did I mention Jim really likes breadsticks?

While the group of friends was talking about Jim, with Twilight mentioning the strange letter, Jim decided to play Bop It™. About 2 minutes into his Bop It™ session, ponies started to notice how good he was at the game and cheered him on.

Pull It!

Twist It!

Bop It!



20 minutes later...



"Alright everypony," Twilight announced. "Party's over."

"But the human is still playing Bop It™," a pony named Lyra whined.

Twist It!

Twist It!

Pull It!

There was still a large group surrounding Jim and cheering him on.

"Wow! 100 Master Level. You beat Bop It™!" was announced for the 11th time in a row.

"Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!" chanted the remaining party guests.

"I don't feel like it," Jim replied. "I already showed enough of my skill."

"Aw..."

"GET OUT!" commanded Twilight. Only her five close pony friends, the dragon servant, and the only character everybody cares about remained. Spike was severely injured, as he had accidentally shot darts into the backside of some ponies. 

He really needs to work on his accuracy. Jim thought. Maybe his dart skills will come into good use.

Twilight waved her social circle goodbye and checked her to-do list. 
"Well it looks like I got everything done that I need done today," she said. "Why don't we just go to the park?"

"Even if I didn't want to go, I probably can't refuse, so I think we definitely should go to the park!" Jim responded.

"Are you just gonna read some of your dumb books when we get there?" Spike asked. The purple pony ignored the "threatening" dragon and asked, "Do you want to go to the park or not?"

"Sure, why not."
> Chapter Five but Kevin finds Jim and a whole new world in his Sims 4 gameplay and therapy attempts to cure the moon princess
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey there friends. My name is Kevin and today we're going to try and play the Sims 4."

Kevin was still pretty bummed that the Dear Leader had left him in a puff of smoke, but he had a sliver of hope from the totally reliable and very positive YouTube comment section.

"Many of you have suggested that I actually click on Jim in the bottom left corner and I'll go to where he is. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Past Kevin is so stupid!"

He did what his fans suggested and ended up on another loading screen.

"Oh, no," Kevin groaned. "I don't like where this is going."

The screen finally loaded and displayed Jim outside of a hollowed out tree made out of a house. He was following a weird looking purple lizard riding a purple horse.

"Where are we and why is Jim following these feckin' animals?" Kevin asked to no one in particular, except for maybe EA.

"I have a feeling that someone is gonna die and I hope it's Jim that's luring them to their demise and not the other way around."

Kevin was wrong. No one was going to die.

"Well that was anticlimactic. We just went to some park," Kevin said in disappointment, but chuckling afterwards. "Okay, Jim. I think we're done with this weird vacation."

Kevin navigated the menus of the game, but he couldn't find any option that would be able to take Jim back to the pufferfish restaurant.

"Looks like I ran into another feckin' problem," Kevin groaned with a little chuckle. "I'm stuck with these creatures."

"Going to the park was actually a great idea, Twilight."

"Wait, did that lizard just say something?"

Kevin zoomed into the scene to listen to the lizard and horse speak.

"I agree," the purple horse, presumably named Twilight, replied. "Now Jim has a chance to make lots of friends!"

"Wait a feckin' minute. Is this horse speaking English?" Kevin said in reaction. "I'm not even asking that because it's a talking horse, I'm asking that because it's the feckin' Sims."

Usually in the Sims, the people speak Simlish. What just spoke was neither a person nor a speaker of Simlish. Kevin was confused, but just ignored it as one of the many anomalies since Jim started glowing.

"I'm sure he had lots of friends, Twilight," the lizard responded. "Princess Celestia did say she brought him from another world. Maybe he had friends in that other world."

"This lizard is spitting facts," Kevin remarked.
...
...
...
"Wait a minute, did he just say, 'other world?' Jim is in another world? Shit. We've been abducted by aliens!"

"You might be right Spike, but what if he didn't," Twilight argued.

Kevin completely ignored the conversation going on between the two creatures and decided this was a great opportunity to start Jim's life over... kind of.

"I want to restart the cult in this new land. I'm sure my audience will find entertainment in that. I also need a house to live in. I don't know why, but I don't trust any creature here to live with Jim."

Kevin looked around the park and spotted three horses smaller than Twilight playing in the park and assumed they were children. "Alright Jim, 'make friends,'" he said, using air quotes. Obviously this was a euphemism for the common phrase "Recruit those horses into the cult. They seem like young impressionable children and I'm ready to fill their minds with Jim's great ideas."

Kevin took control of Jim, leaving the well known floating gem above his head. Twilight and the lizard noticed this gem but only looked on in curiosity. However, before he could make quality content with the Dear Leader the game displayed a new message.


You can now talk to Sims through the plumbob.


Kevin just looked at the message, but shrugged it off not caring for an explanation. "I don't care anymore. As long as this doesn't bore my 2.27 million subscriber audience." He closed the message and proceeded to speak to the game through the microphone



"Jim?"

"Yes not-scary-dragon-that-breathes-fire?"

"What's that on top of your head," Spike asks, pointing to the plumbob. One of the two finally bothered to ask about it.

"Oh." Jim looked up to see the green gem. "That's always been there."

"You don't know wha-" Twilight began to ask, but she was interrupted by... the plumbob?

"Hey there! My name is Kevin!"

"Ah!" Twilight and Spike were caught by surprise.

"It never did that before," Jim commented. "Hello, Kevin."

"Hello, Dear Leader."

Things were silent for a few seconds.

"When someone says 'hi' you're supposed to say 'hi' back. You two are very feckin' rude!"

"Hi?" the purple ones said in unison. Twilight began to question the gem named Kevin, but Kevin had other plans.

"I'm just gonna take Jim with me to meet those small horse children over there. Don't follow us."

"Wait!"

"Sorry, weird horse thing. I need content to post on YouTube."

"YouTube?" Twilight asked.

"No time to explain. The more boring footage I have to sit through, the more I have to cut out during editing." Jim and the gem then walked toward the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"We need to send a letter to the princess about Kevin immediately," Twilight ordered Spike, who groaned.



Along the way, Jim decided it would be a great idea to talk to this gem that had addressed him correctly as the Dear Leader.

"That went well."

"I completely agree."

"So, are you like a god or something?"

"I'm actually a Irish YouTuber with 2.27 million subscribers, but I guess in the context of this world I am kind of like a god."

"Are you my creator?" Jim asked, knowing that in some religions the common theme was that a god or gods made everything.

"Yes."

"Can't you give me loads of money then? If you can create life, shouldn't you be able to give that life wealth?"

"Why didn't I think of that? Past Kevin is so stupid!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Jim replied. "Everybody makes mistakes. I'm assuming this can apply to gods as well."

"I'm not blaming myself, I'm blaming Past Kevin! He's so feckin' stupid!"

"But didn't past Kevin create me?" Jim argued.
...
...
...
"No," Kevin replied. "That was God Kevin. There's a difference."

"I see," Jim said unconvinced.

"None of that matters now. I'm going to make you rich."

"Make sure not to give me Simoleons, because these feckers use a currency called 'bits'," Jim clarified.

"I'll see what I can do."

Kevin paused the game, opened the cheat console, spammed "motherlode" a few times, and then unpaused the game. "Alright, I made you rich," he said in triumph.

"I just said to not give me a feckton of Simoleons," Jim reminded Kevin, showing the gem the Simoleon money he has.

"That was Past Kevin's fault! I had nothing to do with it!" Kevin quickly defended, pausing the game and going back to the cheat console. The screen popped up another message.


You know, you could just ask me nicely to give Jim some bits.


- Your corrupted Sims 4 game


Kevin followed these orders immediately. "Can you please give Jim one million bits?"


I don't know. Can I?


- Your corrupted Sims 4 game


Kevin sighed in frustration. "MAY you PLEASE give Jim one million bits?"


Sure, but you should calm down. I suggest you take anger management courses.


- Your corrupted Si- you get the point


"Thank you, my corrupted Sims 4 game," Kevin said, trying to hide his annoyance with video game pop ups.


No problem.


Kevin unpaused the game again.

"Thank you Kevin. Now I can get my own plot of land and get away from that purple bitch. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm going to cause trouble. How dare she! I only want to overthrow the diarchy."

Kevin laughed at Jim's totally innocent and not destructive plans. "I'm gonna be honest Jim. I expected your goal to be to kill every horse in the country."

"They're too intelligent," Jim argued. "They're not like the Sims back at home who are completely unaware that the raw pufferfish on their plate is very deadly. I'm pretty sure they don't even eat meat, let alone raw pufferfish."

"So your saying me need to be strategic?"

"Exactly."

"That sounds difficult," Kevin argued. "Can't we just kill the purple bitch?"

"She is the messenger to one of the rulers. I'm pretty sure if we kill her, we'll eventually get arrested."

The gem's voice behind the computer screen understood the issue. "Sounds terrible, especially since I'm really bad at escaping prisons," he said, reminding himself of his experiences in BitLife.

"Escaping what now?" Jim looked down and Kevin maneuvered his screen to see they had reached their destination with the trio of impressionable children speaking in unison as confirmation.

"I escaped my house to visit the great outdoors," Jim lied effectively. "I'm Jim Pickens."

"Hey they're friends. My name is Kevin."

"We're not friends yet," the trio replied simultaneously.

"I get that a lot."
...
...
...
"What are your names?"

"I'm Apple Bloom," said the yellow one with the bow. She then pointed to the white unicorn, calling her "Sweetie Belle," and finally pointed to the orange-brown... I'm not sure what color that is but she's a pegasus and her name is "Scootaloo." "We're trying to get our cutie marks!"

"The feck is a cutie mark?" Jim asked.

"What do you mean what's a cutie mark?" Scootaloo asked.

"Getting a cutie mark is a big deal for ponies," the unicorn added. "A cutie mark shows a pony's special talent."

"Well I'm not a pony and I don't have a special talent, so I guess I don't get one of those."

"Don't feel bad uh..." Apple Bloom already forgot the plumbob's name.

"Call me Kevin."

"Kevin," Apple Bloom repeated. "I'm sure you'll find yer special talent one day, cutie mark or not."

"I doubt it, but okay."

"His special talent is creating life," Jim said, saving Kevin's self-deprecating ass. "I am actually his creation and I'm kind of a big deal."

"Are you the hairless monkey mah sister warned me about?" Apple Bloom questioned in her usual southern accent.

"I am a human, but I'm harmless," Jim assured the pony, while subtly discouraging the use of the term "hairless monkey". "I have never harmed a pony since I got here."

I have harmed and killed several Sims, but never a pony. Jim thought. Thank feck there are loopholes.

"Really?"

"Yes. However, my dreams have caused one of your royal princesses to become mentally unstable. That's probably why people think I'm dangerous."

"Wait wh-" Sweetie Belle began.

"Hold on a second," Scootaloo interrupted, covering Sweetie's mouth and studying Jim as if she had seen him before. "Didn't you beat that Bop It™ game 11 times?"

"Yes."

"Cool."

Sweetie Belle just looked at the pegasus like her priorities were all out of whack.

"Shouldn't we go and find a way to get our cutie marks?" Sweetie Belle reminded her friends. "I mean this 'human' probably has stuff to do and talking to him isn't gonna get us our cutie marks."

"Ah agree," said Apple Bloom. "Bye Jim. Bye Kevin."

"Bye," echoed the unicorn and pegasus. Then the three of them started to shout.

Cutie Mark Crusaders, yay!

Usually, one would flinch, but not Jim. He can withstand loud noises, such as children screaming. "Why don't you three go zip lining for your tattoos?" Jim suggested.

"Great idea!" Scootaloo replied, while the other two ponies had unsure looks on them.

Kevin however, forgot he was recording a video and drifted off to sleep. "Holy shit," he cried as he woke up. "The feck is this about the Crusades?!"

"It's just the children," Jim explained. "They left to get their cutie marks or something. I recommended zip lining to them." Jim sighed. "Sadly, I forgot to ask them to join our 'club.' I think this 'crusaders' thing they screamed about was their own group, so I assume they probably wouldn't join our cult anyway."

"That zip lining idea sounds dangerous for such young children," Kevin said. "Good job, Jim. Although they could potentially get out of zip lining with no injuries."

"It was the first thing I thought of. My mind is full of potential ways to kill or injure Sims," Jim argued. "Besides, that's the best I could do with the limited resources I have, Kevin."

"I just gave you loads of money," Kevin retorted.

"Yes, but I should save them for shelter and a basement for pony slaves, so that I can get paintings made for more money."

"You mean like the good ol' days?"

"Yes."

"There you are, Jim," uttered a relieved Twilight. "I thought you were going to destroy the park or something. Come on. Let's go home."

"I can see why you hate her."

"What was that?" Twilight growled. "Do you not realize how dangerous Jim could be?"

"Jim has loads of money," Kevin began. "He can afford to live on his own." Jim demonstrated this by taking out a huge pile of bits from his pocket and showing it to Twilight.

"Besides, I'm harmless," Jim added. "My dreams are just really weird and would confuse the hell out of any living creature."

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"What would I lie about?" Jim rhetorically asked. "I just got here yesterday, because of your ruler and I sang you a beautiful song. You cried tears of joy because of the song for feck sake!"

"A man with vocal cords like Jim would never harm a fly," Kevin said "truthfully".

Twilight stayed silent for a few moments.

"They have a point," the ignored dragon acknowledged. "I think you should let them go."

"I still have doubts," Twilight said nervously.

"I have one last trick up my sleeve," Kevin said. He immediately started playing his rival's meme song to the pony and her assistant.



Just like with Jim's performance, Spike and Twilight cried at the wonderful singing.

"I don't know what I was thinking," Twilight said wiping tears from her eyes once again. "You should find your own place to stay. However, I don't know if there are any vacant houses here in Ponyville."

"I think there's a house available next to those musicians," Spike pointed out also trying to wipe away his tears. "I'm sure these two amazing singers wouldn't mind having musician neighbors."

"I don't see why not," Jim agreed. "I didn't like living in a tree anyway."

"Then it's settled," Twilight announced. "I'll just go talk to Ponyville's realtor and-"

"I already found the house you were talking about and bought it," Kevin responded.

"Wha-"

"Did Kevin forget to tell you he was a god?" Jim asked.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"B-b-but the princesses-"

"I mean, we are from a different world," Kevin argued. "That world has different gods."

"Okay then," Twilight said. "Well, I'll see you later." She waved at the Dear Leader and the gem above him, then motioned Spike to follow her to the library house tree... thing. I don't know what the fuck that shit is actually called and I'm not gonna bother looking it up.

"Alright Jim. Let's go to your new house."



"And how does that make you feel, princess?"

Luna was talking to a therapist, named Mind Clear*, with her sun sister by her side. She was still shaken from the chaos of Jim's powerful dreams.

"I feel as if my own subjects want to kill me," Luna shuddered. "Especially the pink one."

"And this was all due to some creature your sister accidentally summoned and his dreams?"

"Yes," Luna said. "I fear that human creature will corrupt my subjects and get me and my sister killed."

"Aren't you and your sister immortal?"

"THEY THREW ME IN A FECKIN' OVEN!" Luna yelled. Princess Celestia defended herself from vase shards... again. However, there wasn't much Luna could do, considering she was restrained by large amounts of duct tape.

"That's not what I asked."

Luna sighed, finally answering the question. "Yes."

"Then what are you really worried about?" Mind Clear asked. She wasn't convinced she was worried about dying if she was immortal.

Luna sighed again. "I'm worried my sister mistakenly summoned another 'Lord of Chaos.' Considering the weird dream this Jim Pickens had last night, I have reason to believe he might be at least a product of chaos magic."

"I already sent a letter to Twilight about how Jim might be a threat because of your strange outbursts," Celestia assured. "The Elements of Harmony will take care of him."

"What if they don't and he overthrows the diarchy?" Luna asked in worry.

"Let's be honest here. Lots of ponies wants to overthrow us. If Jim wanted to overthrow us, he'd have to get past the guards."

"But what if he does get past the guards and overthrows the diarchy?"

"We get a break from ruling Equestria for a while until he dies."

"I have a feeling you aren't taking my fears very seriously, sister. Besides, what if he is immortal?"

"Well, it looks like our time is up," Mind Clear said. "I heard enough."

"But we have 10 minutes lef-"

"I. Heard. Enough. Get. Out," Mind Clear growled, before taking deep breaths. "I'm sorry princesses, but this doesn't seem like a psychological issue anymore and I have absolutely no idea how our government works. This is an issue you have to deal with on your own."

"I understand your lack of expertise Mrs. Clear, but you are in the Canterlot Castle," Celestia reminded. "It is you that needs to get out."

"Oh." Mind Clear apologized and left.

"Sister?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get me out of this feckin' tape prison?"

"Are you going to throw another vase at my guards?"

"No," Luna promised.

"Pinkie Promise?"

"I can't exactly cross my heart when I can't move my forelegs."

Needless to say, Luna had finally escaped the tape prison. Suddenly, a letter appeared for princess Celestia. She read it aloud.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Jim Pickens is not alone. He has a gem that floats above his head named Kevin. The gem can communicate much like any normal pony and I fear it might be a threat much like Jim. However, Kevin and Jim so no sign of being a threat as I am writing this, but I already told the other Elements of Harmony about Jim. I'll keep track of Jim and Kevin to make sure they don't become a threat.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

"Kevin," whispered Princess Luna. "I swear I heard that feckin' name before."

"What was that Luna?"

"Nothing, sister."
...
...
...
"What does 'feck' mean, sister?"

"I don't feckin' know!"
> Chapter Six but Jim admires his new home and is constantly "falsely" accused of being a threat
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So what do you think of your new home Jim," Kevin questioned.

Jim observed that home looked exactly like many of the homes in Ponyville, but upon inspecting the interior, he finds some giant flaw with the house. "It needs a basement," he cries.

"Say no more."

Kevin switched the game to build mode and started building the basement. It was pretty much like Jim's old basement with bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and several pictures of Jim's likeness. The bathroom and kitchen were only down there to make sure that the future pony slaves survive long enough to sell Jim's paintings, despite Kevin already giving Jim loads of wealth just by asking the game. (To be fair, Kevin had to cheat for more bits because apparently building a basement was WAY more expensive in the pony land. Either that or the houses in Ponyville are cheap as feck. Either way, Jim became a billionaire through totally legitimate means.) After the build was completed, Jim went down to the basement to judge the results. After a quick look around the basement (and his wallet) he gives a thumbs up and says "Perfection," to Kevin.

The doorbell rang. Jim opened the front door where a white unicorn with purple sunglasses and a gray pony with a bow tie are ready to introduce themselves to the new neighbors.

"Aren't you the Bop It™ guy?" the unicorn drowsily recognized, while the bow tie one facepalmed... or facehooved... you know because they have hooves and not palms. "I'm Vinyl by the way." Oh shit, I'm narrating a story. Feck!

"Yes," Jim happily responded, glad someone recognized his talent. "Jim Pickens." Jim stretches his hand to shake Vinyl's hoof. Confused by the gesture, she bumps the palm of his hand instead, only unable to let go as Jim forcibly shakes her hoof. She became dizzy and fell asleep on the ground.

"That's Vinyl Scratch," the bow tie one pointed to the now sleeping unicorn. "She's a DJ and electronic musician as well as my roommate. She also sleeps a lot because she DJs at night." She then points to herself. "I'm Octavia Melody. I play the cello."

The bearded man completely ignores the introduction and adds his two cents to the situation. "Thank Kevin," Jim said, relived. "I thought I feckin' killed her."

Octavia raised an eyebrow. "Why would you think that?"

"Yeah," Kevin whispered to Jim. "Why would you think that? Also, did you just use my name in vain?"

"First of all," Jim explained. "I am physically bigger and stronger than these ponies." You could hear a hint of justified bragging in his tone. "Secondly, I was forcibly shaking her handless arm-"

"Hoof," the cellist corrected.

"Yes," Jim uttered.
...
...
"Thirdly," Jim continued. "I just don't want those six other horses I met,"

"Ponies."

"Yes."
...
...
"I don't want them to think I'm a threat or anything, so I was kind of worried."

Is Jim seriously being cautious instead of being his chaotic self? Kevin thought. Are we actually being strategic about this? Why can't we just throw caution to the wind or... Intelligent life. Functioning society. Murder bad. Go to jail. Kevin remember now.

"That makes sense," Octavia acknowledged. "I think you and your floating gem will make interesting neighbors." Then she started to leave, dragging the sleeping body away, but then remembered something.

"I have to warn you about Vinyl," Octavia began. "She sometimes does her DJ thing in our home, so you might hear loud dubstep music, hip-hop music, et cetera while you're typing to sleep. You should buy earplugs."

"Not necessary," Jim retorted. "I can tolerate loud noises at night and sometimes I'm the one that makes those noises."

"I'll probably be gone before the day ends," Kevin replied, much to the shock of the gray one. "Oh yeah, I forgot to introduce myself. Call Me Kevin. Nice to meet ya. I'm Jim's 'guardian angel'... as far as you know..."


"Like I said, interesting neighbors," the cellist repeated. Waving goodbye, she dragged the sleeping DJ back to their home to put her in bed.

"So, how are we gonna feckin' drag ponies to our basement or at least feckin' kill them without getting caught?"

"First of all, a normal person says, 'Nice neighbors.' or something like that."

"We're not normal, Kevin."

"Yeah, but don't you want to blend into society?"

"When those ponies are in earshot, yes. When I'm talking to you and you only, I don't care."

"Fair enough," Kevin conceded. "Secondly, I'm not good with plans, but let's make our first death look like an accident."

"Genius," Jim said. "but who will be our first victim?"

"It should be someone with political power, so we can start our political career by replacing them," Kevin explained.

"Wouldn't they already have someone to replace the deceased in the political position?"

"This is a pony society, so I'm not sure how it works. If yes, kill that fecker by 'accident' as well. If no, we must get elected and kill those that didn't vote for us by 'accident.'"

"I like this 'accidental' killing plan."

"I have a feeling this will end badly though," Kevin warned. "like if we were fighting some man-eating plant and you were killed or something."

"What are the odds of that happening?" Jim asked.

"I know, right?" Kevin and Jim laughed, unaware of a very possible alternative timeline that could've happened.



Sometime between 2022 and 2024. I'm not really sure.

"Alright, now you must configure the settings back to February 23, 2019 and the dimension to 'MLP.'"

"Me no understand."

"Fine. I'll do it myself." The mysterious voice started configuring the time machine with his hooves.

"Don't we have a say in this?"

"Shut the feck up, Shit. We need to fulfill the Equine Pickens Prophecy. Do you want the feckin' Kevinverse to implode because of an unfulfilled prophecy?"

"But Beyblade,"

"Shit, yer like a brother to me, but you can't argue against fate. Kevin and Jim must succeed with the help of Turg."

"But what if Turg has coronavirus?"

"He doesn't have coronavirus. The pandemic died down a few years ago. Did Chad force you to go against the prophecy?"

"...yes"

Beyblade turned to Chad. "Yer on thin feckin' ice, Chad!"

Chad didn't care. He started pushing Shit around again.

"Chad, have you ever heard of the death of Crassus? I don't care if this horse triumvirate collapses, because I don't want the feckin' world to explode!.. or implode. Either way, yer gonna die because of it."

Chad cared now. He didn't want to drink molten liquid gold, especially if it's Shit's armor. "Okay, I'm sorry," he said, frightened by the threat, but retorted with, "You know Kevin hates Shit, right? We can just replace him with that pony princess and-"

"Turg help Jim now?" Turg asked.

"Yes. Just get into the machine and push the shiny button," Beyblade instructed. Turg followed instructions. Turg like shiny button.

Afterwards, Chad started pushing Shit around again, displeasing Beyblade. 



Meanwhile, in 2019, Jim was speaking to Kevin about his plans for this pony land. "Why don't we just build another restaurant here and-"

"I don't think you'll be able to hire anyone, considering your slightly negative reputation... and the fact that these ponies will know you own the restaurant and you'll have an even worse reputation."

"I'll make it positive in no time at all," Jim argued. "No one will suspect a thing."

"You said these ponies aren't stupid. They'll throw you in jail and I won't be able to continue my Sims series."

"Sorry, I forgot about that."

Before the discussion could continue, a machine appeared out of nowhere with a lightning strike to make its presence known. A perfectly totally not disfigured Mii walked out of the machine. "Turg," it said.

"What?"

"Name Turg."

"Oh, your name is Turg," Jim clarified.

"Yes. Turg help."

"I like this Turg guy already," Kevin said. "He's perfect for the cult."

"I'm gonna make breadsticks in celebration."

"Breadsticks good," Turg replied.

"Unfortunately, we're gonna end it here," Kevin said reluctantly, then turned to his audience. "I hope you enjoyed the video. I appreciate you watching as always and I do hope to see you next time. Bye for now." Then Kevin stopped recording.

"What?" Jim said, a little peeved. "You're feckin' leaving?"

"Hey, I have a life to live... sort of," Kevin argued. "There's more to my life than my YouTube channel. I'll be back in at least a week and a half. Besides, you have lots of cash and a nice house. You'll be fine without me." With that, the plumbob vanished, leaving Kevin to edit his Sims gameplay for his fans to enjoy.

"Oh, well," Jim shrugged. "I guess my totally reasonable ideas can work with just Turg."

"Turg want breadsticks."

He's definitely a cult member, Jim thought. but how the feck did he get here with that machine?



Nothing much happened for the rest of the day. Turg and Jim ate breadsticks for lunch and dinner, the Cutie Mark Crusaders only got minor injuries trying to zip line (They blamed Jim and he apologized with lots of sighing and constantly saying he had a "continuous lapse in judgment". This somehow worked.), and Jim was interviewed by Princess Celestia about Kevin. She literally went to his house and said, "I need to ask you some questions about this 'Kevin' I've heard about from Twilight." She looked pissed. It's almost as if she thought Jim was a threat or something silly like that.

"Isn't there a law against breaking and entering?"

"The safety of my ponies is more important," the princess bluntly stated.

"Kevin and I will not harm your ponies," Jim assured. The princess was not convinced.

"Then you won't mind answering a few questions honestly. Will you?" Jim nodded, leading to Celestia's first question. "Is this Kevin a being of chaos?"

"He's chaotic neutral. Yes." Jim was not sure if that was a lie or not, but Kevin's definitely not chaotic good, considering he created him. "By neutral, I mean he's neither good nor evil."

"That wasn't my question," Celestia responded. "Does he possess chaos magic?"

"No," Jim immediately answered. He was certain the only magic Kevin had involved money and building basements. Neither sounded chaotic to him.

"Do you possess chaos magic?"

"No. Shouldn't you have asked me this stuff when you brought me to your castle?"

"I did not think to do so."

The princess sighed and silence filled the air. That is until Turg spoke.

"Jim and Kevin good," Turg argued. "Jim make breadsticks. Kevin nice."

"I have another question for you Jim," Celestia said upon seeing the new face. "Who is this and how did he get here?"

"That's Turg. I'm pretty sure he came here from that machine, but I don't know how that works. I'm sure he's harmless as well."

"Keep an eye on him then," the pegacorn alicorn ordered."Now, where is Kevin?"

"Oh he left the world," Jim replied.

"I thought you said he didn't have chaos magic."

"He doesn't. He can just leave the world," Jim said.

"How?"

"I don't know," Jim replied honestly.

"Then keep an eye on him too. From what I've gathered, you three are no threat to Equestria. You just need to learn of the magic of friendship and considering you and Turg are good friends, I'm sure that task will be fairly easy for you."

"I agree one hundred percent," Jim agreed. "We'll have no issue adjusting to this new society."

Princess Celestia sighed in relief. "I'm glad to hear that." She turned back toward the door and waved goodbye to the humans. They waved back. She walked into a chariot parked outside and it flew away. 

Wait, don't horses pull chariots? Jim thought. Is this some form of slavery or something? Eh, I don't care. I just don't want more people coming into my house unannounced. That's feckin' rude.

"Alright, Turg. Here's your first mission," Jim began. "I want you to close and lock the door. I don't want any more guests in this feckin' house." 

Turg followed the instructions. His stomach growled. It was dinnertime already. Obviously, they ate breadsticks again. They say too much of a good thing can be bad for you, but to Jim, breadsticks were the exception.



Another night. Another set of dreams to deal with.

Princess Luna vowed never to enter Jim's dreams again upon the request of Kevin's letter. She didn't want to deal with that insanity and end up talking to Mind Clear once again. Her sister recently told her that the Kevin that was with Jim somehow left the world. Unfortunately, that means she can't ask him about Jim. However, she was also told of an entity named Turg. The way he speaks is similar to the speech of caveponies portrayed in some fictional novels, but she might get some information out of Turg about both Kevin and Jim. Hopefully, his dreams aren't as... disconnected from reality as Jim's.

Another wooden door was there. It was just labeled with TURG in blue paint. Hesitating, Luna opens the door leading to a race. It wasn't any normal race though. It was a chariot race, but the chariots were oddly shaped and nopony was pulling them. Luna shrugged. It was only a dream after all. She'll just ask Turg about the chariots when she gets the chance.

Looking for Turg, Luna had noticed the snowy scenery surrounding the race. It seemed that Turg enjoyed the winter season. Before she could completely take in all the sights and sounds of winter, she heard loud Irish screaming coming from the speeding chariots. She didn't know what "Irish" meant but she somehow thought it was a perfect descriptor.

"TURG NOOOOOOO!" came a cry.

"FUCKING TURG!" came another.

"A new personal best! Wave to the crowd, Turg," came a voice of encouragement. "They love you."

This seems like a past memory of Turg's. Luna thought. He must really enjoy racing.

The princess decided to sit there a while and watch Turg race some more. It didn't look like Turg would win any of them, but he seemed to be happy to just be there. She certainly didn't need to protect the creature or herself from any nightmares, but she still needed to interview him about the seemingly chaotic arrivals. Once one of the races ended she tried to get Turg's attention.

"Turg," she called out. "Could you please come over here?"

"Horse want Turg?" he asked.

"Yes. I want to ask you a few questions."

Turg went over to the shiny horse. Turg didn't know much, but he knew he would try his best to answer the horse's questions and not get distracted by its shiny hair. Turg like shiny hair.

Of course, the obvious question was asked bluntly.  "Do you know anything about Kevin or Jim Pickens?"

"Jim and Kevin good."

Luna wasn't convinced by this testimony. "Yes, but what else do you know about them."

"Jim eat breadsticks. Kevin nice."

Luna decided she wasn't getting any answers from the creature and instead asked more explicit questions. "Are they trying to overthrow the diarchy?"

"Yahtzee?"

"I'm not talking about Yahtzee."

Turg thought for a moment. "Monopoly?"

"I asked if they are going to overthrow the diarchy."

"Turg no understand," was the Mii's final statement.

With a defeated sigh, Luna left Turg's dream, only to encounter Jim Pickens outside of his own dream, waving at the pega alicorn.

"I don't know much about this Turg," Jim admitted. "but I don't think he knows much either."

"Are you trying to overthrow the diarchy, Mr. Pickens?"

"I'm trying to find a way home," Jim responded semi-truthfully. "I miss my restaurant."

"You aren't motivated to do anything else?"

"I don't like the way you're discriminating against me," Jim accused. "You think someone with my likeness would be up to no good?"

"Well-"

"Do you think someone with my musical talent would try and overthrow a government?"

"Musical talent?" Luna was intrigued by the claim, completely forgetting about the whole political conversation they were just having. "Would you mind-"

"Glad you asked."

Suddenly, Luna noticed Jim had a guitar in his hands. To the right of him was his dream door. Another human came out of the door. It was K-Pop sensation Johnny Cash.

"This one's called Hurt."

More tears were shed that night in response to the copyrighted material. Powerful, princessy tears were shed.



Both residents of the new home decide to start the day with thought-provoking dialogue.

"Another day another infinite supply of cash."

"Turg."

There was a knock at the door. Jim, hoping it was an adoring fan, rushes to the door to see some unicorn with a clipboard.

"Hello, I'm..." the pony paused for a bit and sighed in pain, internally cursing the god that had given her life. "Secretary... the secretary of Mayor Mare. I was ordered by her to bring you into my office so you, Turg, and Kevin could sign some paperwork."

"That sounds boring as feck," Jim commented. "Why do I need to do this?"

Secretary stared at the creature that seems to have a lot of charisma. "The mayor got an order from Princess Celestia to make you three official citizens of Ponyville and Equestria."

"First of all, Kevin isn't here," Jim argued. "Second of all, that sounds boring as feck."

"It is a necessary process for census reasons," Secretary explained.

"That sounds-"

Secretary was fed up with the stalling and transported Jim, Turg, and herself to her office.

"boring as feck," Jim finished.

The unicorn floated two stacks of at least 100 papers each toward the duo. "Please just fill out the forms."

After about 30 minutes of filling out the forms, Jim was predictably bored. At least he made it halfway through the paperwork. He decided to strike up a conversation to cure his boredom nonetheless.

"How far along in the paperwork are ya, Turg?"

"Turg reach 10 pages. Test hard."

"It's just filling out paperwork," Secretary said with her head down on the table. "It shouldn't be too difficult."

"Turg disagree."

"Jim also disagree," the Dear Leader added.

"I think you should let them take a break from having to write all that paperwork, Secretary."

Mayor Mare walked into frame, waving to her secretary. "I need to discuss a few matters with the two... I believe the correct term is 'immigrants'."

Walking into the mayor's office, which is essentially right next door, Jim and Turg noticed the room was much bigger than Secretary's office. It had lots of books, paperwork, and weirdly enough it had a few dominoes all over the place. Looking at the way the dominoes were arranged led to more strange trinkets precariously placed in an odd pattern. It was an old office added to the town hall building prepared for the mayor long ago by an anonymous construction worker when Mare was first elected as mayor. Nopony, not even Mayor Mare, had thought of why this room was set up the way it was, but there were no second thoughts about it from anypony. That is, besides the construction worker, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. Despite this, Jim decided to comment on the decor.

"Why is there a chandelier dangling above your head in your office?" asked Jim. "It seems like it could crush you at any moment."

Mayor Mare looked up. 

"Huh. Never noticed," She shrugged. "I'll get that checked out after we discuss a few things. It hasn't fallen on me these past years I've held this mayoral position."

"If this is about the government trusting me I'll have you kno-"

"Mr. Pickens, I assure you this has nothing to do with your... questionable political reputation... nor will you have to do more paperwork for that matter. I just want to know about your human society, so we can figure out if you were some forgotten species, so we can write about your kind in the history books."

Jim piped up immediately, ready to tell the entire story of his life, omitting incriminating details. "I don't know about Turg, but I can explain my life in unnecessary detail."



"And then I was ripped from my home by your ruler because she wanted some exotic pet or something," Jim said, ending his extremely thorough explanation of his life since he broke into Urp's home. "That's my life story. I hope you wrote all of that down to sell because my life story is worth lots of money."

The mayor was blown away by the bizarre events Jim experienced that led up to this moment. Secretary put down her pen and paper, planning to give the notes she took to her boss, who had a few questions about this story.

"Let me get this straight... You've become such a famous artist that you have your own fan club?"

"Yes... It's just a fan club... No strings attached..."

"I see." Mayor Mare narrowed her eyes. "And you want to get back home to continue your restaurant business, but you have a goal here if you don't."

"Exactly."

"And you have no idea who this other person is." The mayor pointed to Turg.

"All I know is he's Turg and he likes me and Kevin."

"And you both are harmless?"

"Why does everybody have to ask me that?" Jim Pickens said, obviously offended. "Can you feckers stop with these interrogations? I come in peace!"

"Okay," Mayor Mare just shrugged. "I have no idea what the princess was saying about you being a potential threat."

"You'd think my beautiful singing would already have convinced her otherwise," Jim commented. "Last night, I sang a beautiful song to her when she was stalking Turg in his dreams."

"Oh no, I had received a letter from Princess Cadence to interview you because the other princesses said you might be a threat."

"You mean there's another one?" Jim was shocked. "I thought this was a diarchy."

"It technically is. She's much younger than Princess Celestia and Princess Luna."

"Do you have a way to send prerecorded music to royalty?"

"Why?"

"I want to send her my rendition of Ring of Fire."

"What?"

"It's a song by K-Pop star Johnny Cash."

"I'm not sure if we can record your song." Mayor Mare looked around the office to see if there was something useful. "There might be something in that bucket by Secretary."

Everyone turned toward the metal bucket held up by a rope. How they missed that was anybody's guess. Secretary, being closest to the bucket in question, looked inside.

"Boss, I think this thing could do the trick."

"Oh good," Mayor Mare smiled. "Take it to Mr. Pickens, so he can record his... fire... song... thing."

When Secretary took the not-so-light device from the strange bucket, the bucket suddenly flew up, being pulled by the rope. The rope's other end held some weight, similar in pounds (or kilograms, considering Jim was created by an Irish man) to the device. The weight dropped onto one of the shelves, the vibration causing a marble to fall off the said shelf and drop into some conveniently placed funnel. The funnel deposited the marble into a long tube. At the end of the tube was a line of the previously mentioned dominoes. The dominoes lead up to some hole in the corner of the office. After a few seconds, the dominoes on the other side start to fall. The dominoes lead to some button. That button somehow opened up a compartment above the office's entrance. A large sword is revealed. Everyone instinctively ducked as the knife was launched towards the mayor's desk. 

However, the sword wasn't aiming for Mayor Mare.

The sword had sliced the string keeping the chandelier hanging above Mayor Mare. Obviously, it dropped... considering gravity still exists in the pony universe. It crashed onto a thick see-through glass. How they missed that was still anybody's guess.

A few seconds pass and a sigh of relief is heard. Everybody got up from ducking.

"Thank Celestia! I thought for sure I was gonna be cru-"

Then the glass fell onto the mayor. 
...
Nobody really reacted to the suddenness caused by this bizarre Rube Goldberg machine. Jim, as if by instinct, defended himself.

"I had nothing to do with this!"

"I know you didn't," she said nonchalantly walking towards the shards. "It looks like at best she's in critical condition. I'll have to call the hospital to deal with the accident. I'll also need to find out who was responsible for building this booby trap and arrest them."

"Turg," Jim whispered. "It looks like we're getting closer to world domination."

"Turg no understand," he whispered back.

"In the meantime, you two should finish your paperwork."

"I still think that's feckin' boring."
> Chapter Seven but Jim kidnaps construction workers to build a yacht
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Secretary had called the authorities to deal with the crime scene. Many paramedics and the Elements of Harmony had arrived, being informed of the incident. Many of the hours that passed involved ponies having to clean up the pile of glass shards to get to the mayor. By the time they got to her, she had already passed on.

Meanwhile, the Elements of Harmony were interrogating two suspects at the crime scene. They were not convinced that Jim and Turg weren't at fault, despite Secretary accurately claiming they just sat there. Eventually, the whole interrogation led to the elements all bursting into tears, finally convinced Jim and Turg were not guilty.

In case you're wondering, Jim sung Hot N Cold by Katy Perry this time.

When the whole scene was cleared, Turg and Jim had finally finished the boring paperwork.

"Sorry about the... several inconveniences," said Secretary. "In a few weeks, you two will officially be Equestrian citizens."

Jim Pickens, hungry for political power and all, had asked the obvious question. "That's great and all, but who's going to be mayor now?"

"I am," Secretary stated. "There was a law passed countrywide stating that the mayor's secretary would become the new mayor of the city if the mayor were to be deceased."

"What if the mayor doesn't have a secretary?" Jim asks.

"By law, the mayor has to pick somepony to be their secretary. I don't know anypony, so I'm going to have some difficulty picking a secretary and I can't do that due to the investigation surrounding the assassination of the mayor. If hypothetically speaking, I were to have designed the room, which I didn't because I was a filly..."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "You mean you've been her secretary since you were a feckin' child?"

"I'm actually her second secretary because the first one retired due to old age," she responded. "Anyways, they would have to elect a new mayor if I was guilty of assassinating her, so I wouldn't be able to pick a secretary."

"Why did you feel the need to-"

"Some of the Elements of Harmony think I killed her on purpose," Secretary growled. "I seriously thought that chandelier hanging by a thread was just some weird decoration and I didn't even know the bucket was there."

"Secretary kill?" Turg asked, still trying to figure out what the hell was happening.

"No, I did not assassinate the mayor!" Grinding teeth could be heard.

With the conversation being directed towards the concept of an assassination, the Dear Leader adds his two cents without realizing.

"Even though I clearly did not assassinate your mayor, I would've tried to kill the fecker if there wasn't already a trap set, using her empty seat to get closer to overthrowing this diarchy."

"Turg," came a more thought-provoking opinion for English teachers to look at in awe.

Mayor Secretary looks at Jim with an 'I'm interested'-type look, "I take it that your species is power-hungry, huh?"

"No, just me," Jim honestly told. "Especially considering the rulers around here are biased against me until I start singing my beautiful songs."

"And you're telling the mayor of Ponyville all of this?"

Jim smiled at the pony he felt was powerless. "What the feck are ya gonna do? Give me more paperwork?"

"Yeah. If you want to be a secretary, there's more paperwork to do," the pony smirked.

"...what the hell are ya on about?"



After listening to the whole spontaneous rant, Jim just sat in Secretary's old office, an expression of amazement on his face. As usual, Turg didn't understand. Luckily Jim spoke Turg, so he translated as the new mayor spoke.

"That's a feckin' weird backstory," Jim commented.

"Turg yes understand."

"So your father was a construction worker who built the mayor's office to intentionally assassinate her because he had a relationship with her and she dumped him. You decided to become the secretary's apprentice in order to eventually become her next secretary, knowing the first secretary was growing old and you'd be her replacement. You tried to find out from your father where the whole 'assassination mechanism' is, but he was thrown in prison for some unrelated assault. Essentially, you used your father's insanity to your advantage to gain political power."

"That about sums it up, Jim," Secretary affirmed. "You're not gonna squeal about this, are ya?"

"Why the feck would I squeal? I also want political power," Jim said. I mean, what else was he supposed to say?



Chatter arose near the town hall building. Very few ponies were aware of the "accident". Whether the term is applicable or not is up for debate. When Mayor Mare's secretary came up to the podium, the chatter only grew louder and confusion arose.

"Can I have everypony's attention?"

Immediately, Secretary had found multiple pairs of eyes staring at her, waiting for her to begin her speech.

"I regret to inform you all that Mayor Mare has been killed in what authorities believe was a planned assassination."

A collective gasp was heard and the citizens started chattering again.

"I'm not done yet," the secretary barked before continuing. "The authorities have a few suspects that they believe were involved in the murder. I am one of these suspects only because I am her understudy, so I'm going to be the mayor until the investigation comes to a close. I am confident in my innocence, so I'm likely going to remain mayor after the investigation is over."

The chattering starts back up.

"In other news," the secretary said, grabbing the attention of the citizens back. "The Elements of Harmony and the princesses are aware of three creatures of unknown species known as Jim Pickens, Turg, and Kevin. Their current opinion on the matter is that these three creatures are harmless, but there's still much debate on the matter."

While Mayor Secretary's speech was going on, Jim and Turg were still in her old office, as she feared the public might have a negative reception of them. Suddenly, the plumbob appeared above Jim's head again. It explained its return.

"Apparently, I don't have enough footage to make it past the 10-minute mark. I blame past Kevin. The feckin' idiot! Anyways, what did I miss?"

"Well, several horses interrogated me again, Turg and I did a lot of boring paperwork to become citizens, and the mayor was killed in a freak accident involving a chandelier."

"Okay, so I didn't miss much," Kevin said.
...
...
...
"You killed the mayor?" Kevin said in shock. "Why the feck didn't you do that when I was here? It would've made for great content."

"It was a freak accident," Jim repeated.

"Ah, I get it. 'Freak accident.' Your secret's safe with me, Jim."

"It was actually a freak accident. I had nothing to do with it. I really wish I did."

"Well, if you aren't going to kill anything yourself, then I'll have to do it for content." Kevin groaned.

"Kevin, they're smarter than the average Sim. I don't think it'll be a great idea."

Kevin ignored the cult leader. "Nonsense, Jim. Just because they have smarts doesn't mean they won't be able to drown."

"Okay, maybe the old 'ladderless pool' trick will work on them," Jim acknowledged. "That's a big maybe, Kevin. If it doesn't work we'll have to explain ourselves."

"Free pool for the town?"

"Such a genius explanation. I am now 100% in favor of this plan."

Kevin zoomed out of the town hall building to encounter a huge crowd of ponies listening to another pony's speech.

"Ooh, there's a large crowd out here."

Then Kevin struck by casually building a pool around 30 or so of the ponies in the crowd. They were shocked at first, but after a few seconds they calmed down... and I mean that literally. Nopony died. The ponies just swam out of the pool and joined the crowd.

"It seems somepony built a pool for us out of nowhere," Secretary commented. "That's a weird place to put a pool, but the gift is much appreciated."

Kevin was in close enough range to hear this and the applause that came afterward.

"You were right. They are feckin' intelligent," Kevin admitted.

"Exactly," Jim agreed. "You know how hard it's gonna be for me to take over their country?"

"I mean you're technically the richest fecker here so far," Kevin argued. "You know that saying about money and power."

"I thought it was just common sense."

"Turg."

"This Turg guy has such a way with words," Kevin shook his head... I mean nobody saw him do it, but he definitely did it. "Anyways, we can just pay people to let us rule the land."

"I don't think the princesses will take my money. I think they have this thing called 'morals'."

Turg, who is just happy to be there, points to Mayor Secretary walking in. "Turg see pony! Turg see pony!"

"Thank you Turg," she said. "Somepony built a pool and scared some of the citizens. Luckily, they all could swim so it's not that big of a deal... aaaaaand there's a green gem floating above your head, Jim."

"Hey there, friend. My name is Kevin-"



SLAM!!!



"You have paperwork to do, Kevin," the new mayor replied.

"Feck," Kevin said, a little pissed off. "I thought video games were supposed to be a distraction from life."

"This is real life, Kevin," Secretary said.

"Actually, never mind! There's an autofill feature."

Suddenly the paperwork was filled with accurate information. Mayor Secretary grabbed the complete paperwork and filed it with the others, not even caring about the ridiculous speed in which it was filled out.

"I wish I had this godly 'autofill feature' Kevin does," Jim said with great jealousy of his creator.

"Now that the paperwork is done, I need to speak with the three of you," the mayor said. "I overheard Princess Celestia talking to the Elements of Harmony wielders or whatever they call themselves and it turns out that there's some previously undiscovered land on this planet to the west of here found by some scientists. Isn't that interesting?"

"I want to conquer this land," Jim declared on impulse. "It will be easier to overthrow your government with colonialism."

"Jim you idiot!" Kevin accused. "Why the feck did you say that in front of the pony?!?"

"We have created an alliance. Her father had a plan to assassinate the mayor because she was an ex of his," explained Jim.

"Turg," Turg also explained.

"Turg explained it way better than you did Jim. Anyways, how the feck are we gonna get to this land?"

"We can buy a yacht to travel the ocean," Jim suggested.

"What the hay is a yacht?" asked Secretary. "Is that like a boat or something?"

"We can build a yacht to travel the ocean," Jim corrected himself. "It'll be the very first yacht on this planet too."

"Ok, but how are we gonna build it without some blueprints."

Suddenly, Kevin's game paused.


Hey, it's me again. I'll give you blueprints if you type 'yachtblueprint' in the cheat console.



- Your corrupted Sims 4 game


After he typed in the cheat, Kevin's game unpaused.

"I have the blueprints right here," Jim said, waving the new yacht blueprints around. "And since I'm rich as feck, I can get several paid 'volunteers' to build this yacht."



"Mr. Pickens," a hired pony bulider catches his attention while he sits on a beach chair eating breadsticks. "Are you sure you need all this material for this... yak-hut?"

"Where else am I supposed to put all my money and hired construction team?"

"But Mr. Pickens, wouldn't all of us construction workers will be cramped on the yak-hut if you only leave this small amount of space for us?"

"It's actually pronounced yacht."

"Yes, but what about space for the workers."

"Kevin," Jim called out as the green gem started to move towards him. Yes, we're using the "corrupted Sims 4 game" excuse for that. "We got a free-thinker on our hands."

"Continue building the yacht," Kevin instructed the builder. "Any complaints can be sent to the complaint box."

"But it shreds the complaints," the builder... complained, pointing towards a sign saying, "Complaint Box" with a shredder underneath it.

"Then quit complaining unless you want to become a complaint yourself."

The builder walked away, helping a friend of his construct the weird boat with a weird name.

"Why are we doing this again?" he asked the fried.

"To appease the Dear Leader," the more intelligent construction worker replied.

"You're not making any sense."

"He's paying us a lot of bits. If we suck up to him, he'll double that money."

The now informed pony understood. "ALL HAIL JIM PICKENS!"

ALL HAIL JIM PICKENS!!!

"Holy feck, we already have an army."

"Apparently, horsies and humans are very much alike," Jim explained. "If you give them enough money they'll do whatever the feck you want them to. Also, I'm pretty sure construction tools can be used as dangerous weapons. These workers will be useful for future endeavors."

"How did you get hundreds of ponies to build this 'yacht' for you?" Secretary said shocked.

"Loads of money," came the obvious answer. "I have effectively created an army."

"Wow," Secretary looked on in amazement. "I wish I could go with you, but I have mayor stuff to do. How long until they're done."

"Exactly five minutes and 34 seconds," Kevin responded, noting the timer that sat there that looked suspiciously like those timers in those mobile apps where you have to wait a long time to do things.



Exactly five minutes and 34 seconds later...



"You feckin' liar," Jim scolded his creator. "It took them exactly 5 minutes 34 seconds and 123 milliseconds."

Shaking his head at the green gem's stupidity, he takes out a megaphone and makes an announcement to the now idle cult members construction workers. "Alright, I want everyone on the yacht. We will be the first Irish-"

"Equestrian," shouted a construction pony.

"You are all Irish now," Kevin shouted back. "Do you want your payment or not?"

"Okay!"

"We will be the first Irish ponies to cross into this undiscovered land. Anybody that doesn't go into the yacht will not receive payment for their services."

"Anypony," the construction pony corrected.

"That's what I said," Jim retorted.

"B-but didn't you just say..."

"You're fired. Take some raw pufferfish on your way out."



"So, where is this undiscovered island the new mayor was talking about?" asked the one construction worker forced to drive the yacht.

Turg was looking at the map that the mayor had given him. "Turg."

"He said we should go west for a few hundred kilometers," Jim translated while offering the driver a breadstick.

"I already ate."

"You just lost 10,000 bits an hour."

"Besides, the Dear Leader should be given all the breadsticks."

"Forget I said anything."

The construction worker sighed in relief, but noticed something in front of him. “I think I see another ship.”

“Pirates?” inquired Jim.

“I can't tell,” replied the construction worker. “I'm merely a construction worker that kind of knows how to maneuver a yak-hut.”

“False alarm,” Kevin assured. “It's just another ship full of ponies. It's also headed towards the island. Go around it.”

They went around the ship. Jim looked on and noticed Twilight Sparkle was on board along with the rest of the Elements of Harmony and some other ponies with some sort of armor. Twilight turned her head just in time to meet the human's gaze.

“Jim?” Twilight shouted, grabbing the attention of several ponies aboard the ship as they walked toward where Twilight was pointing. The aftermath reaction of her discovery would not be witnessed by Jim as the yacht sped toward its destination much faster than their own ship.

Jim turned toward the gem floating above him. “We must be quick with dealing with this island, Kevin. Best-case scenario there are weak inhabitants on that island to rule over. Worst-case scenario they end up becoming enemies of yours truly.”

“I have a feeling it's the best-case scenario,” Kevin predicted. “This world you were abducted into feels like a children's cartoon. They're probably very tolerant.”

“I think children think I'm a villain,” Jim argued.

“Fair point. This could go either way.”



“Land ho!” shouted the yacht driver.

“Great, now the plan can move forward,” the Dear Leader smiled. “Also, that cliché line docked your pay by 1,000 bits an hour.”

“Understood, Dear Leader,” replied the construction worker.

“Jim. It seems like at least fifty of your crew has perished. Either that or the rest of the crew is trying to drown them,” Kevin alerted Jim.

“A bunch of ponies have been outed as traitors, Dear Leader,” shouted a construction worker that ran towards the bow. “All have been forced to walk the plank.”

“Tell them they're all fired and provide them with complementary raw pufferfish,” Jim ordered. “Leave them on the island if they make it to shore.”

The construction worker nodded going back to where the totally not cramped crew was and getting the pufferfish. Before Jim could order around any more ponies, an inhabitant of the island that looked like a human walked toward the yacht.

“We were unaware of any living creatures beyond this island,” the inhabitant explained. “Are you here to discuss foreign policy?”

“Yes,” Jim said enthusiastically. “Take us to your leader.”

“Turg.”



Jim, Kevin, Turg, and the hundreds of paid construction workers that have not defected arrived to a stony castle. It was seemingly not as nice as the one that the ponies had, which Jim would hopefully change with his construction crew if he could overthrow this government. Reaching the throne room, they notice another human-like creature. After noting the appearance, Jim was actually considering discussing foreign policy instead of just killing the leader, as he looked oddly familiar.

“Your majesty,” announced the resident of the island. “There are creatures who claim to be from another land that wish to discuss foreign policy.”

“Bring them forth,” their majesty ordered.

The resident walked away as a swarm of ponies along with the humans walked toward the king.

“Welcome to Fecktopia,” the ruler greeted. “I'm Lord Jim Pickett the First. I am king of this island. What country are you from?”

“That's a wonderful name. My name is Jim Pickens. Very similar to yours,” Jim Pickens replied, now pointing to the army behind him. “I am known as the Dear Leader of these construction workers. I am planning on expanding my reach in my homeland. If we form an alliance against Equestria, I will give you a section of land to rule over once I overthrow my homeland's government.”

“And what makes you certain you will be able to do so,” inquired Lord Pickett, stroking his beard.

“Hey there. My name is Kevin. I am God.”

“Alright, I am convinced. Are we to go to war with this country you are rebelling?”

“Not at the moment,” Pickens said. “The inhabitants are smarter than I thought. I believe their most powerful political figures are here to try to convince you to ally with them.”

“Turg,” Turg explained.

“The disfigured creature is right,” Lord Pickett nodded. “We can discuss this further while I give you a tour of the land I rule.”

“I created this land,” Kevin replied. “I am very familiar with it.”



Princess Luna still didn't know what to make of this odd trio. She was told by her sister that Jim himself had been brought here by her own magic. Her sister is the sole reason for Jim being here.

Despite admitting to this, her sister also denies any knowledge of the origins of Kevin the green gem and Turg the... Turg. However, Jim and Turg claimed they were all harmless.

Suddenly, Princess Celestia burst in. “Sister,” she shouted.

Luna turned to her. “What is it?”

“Twilight sent me a letter saying Jim rode a faster ship to the undiscovered island along with Kevin, Turg, and a whole crew of ponies.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Why would they try to explore the island themselves? It could be dangerous. And where did they even get the crew?”

“I don't know, but Twilight is worried that Jim might accidentally get somepony killed, because he was there to witness Mayor Mare's death,” Celestia replied. “She thinks his species might have some sort of 'bad luck' magic, but she hasn't scanned him yet.”

“That sounds plausible, but nopony else has died when near him,” Luna argued. “Besides, why did you cast such a dangerous spell to bring such a creature here aware of the potential consequences?"

“Well, I knew you always wanted a pet and I had Philomena, so I tried to conjure up an exotic creature, even if it ended up being from an alternate reality.”

Princess Luna chuckled. “That's very thoughtful, sister. Not well thought out, but thoughtful nonetheless.”

“Luckily, I was able to find a creature more suitable of a pet than Jim,” Celestia said, levitating an odd looking mouse with clothes toward her sister.

The mouse looked at the princess of the night and casually waved.

“I'll leave you two alone,” Celestia smiled, as she closed the door.

The mouse introduced himself. “Hi. I'm Stuart Little.”

“Oh great,” Luna rolled her eyes. “My sister got another creature that can talk.”

Stuart just chuckled. “Who's this other creature?”

“Jim Pickens,” Princess Luna sighed. “Somehow, he summoned two other creatures named Kevin and Turg.”

Stuart looked at the princess wide-eyed. “Did this Kevin have an Irish accent?”

“I don't know, but Jim Pickens said 'feck' a lot.”

Stuart's eyebrows sloped inward. “Are you friends with Kevin?” he asked, emphasizing the word “friends” with venom.

“No,” Luna said. “I don't think we are.”

“Good,” Stuart said, his eyebrows relaxing. “Because there's something I have to tell you about that Irishman and his allies.”
> Chapter Eight but... that's it? That's the end of the fanfiction?!? That was just a bunch of cheap walk cycles!!!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stuart Little was then struck by lightning before he could say anything. Luna was perplexed, as the lightning bolt somehow phased through the castle and right into the mouse on her palms. So much for the exotic pet.

Suddenly, a royal guard burst into Luna's room.  

“There is an army of humans and construction workers attempting a coup!” he shouted. “They've captured Princess Celestia!”

Princess Luna stared at the guard. “What?”

Suddenly, Jim walked into the room. “Hello, moon horse. You are now a political prisoner.”

The construction workers then arrested her for legitimate reasons. The guard was also arrested for being a snitch.

As for the Elements of Harmony, they're now trapped in Fecktopia and Jim has now dubbed the ponies “the Elements of Fecktopia.” When they went against the title, he sung Ring of Fire again and they cried tears of joy and agreement.

During the coup, they met a creature named Discord. He became third in command next to Jim and Turg. Turg became Vice Dear Leader after a lot of convincing. Secretary became fourth in command. She didn't mind as long as she wasn't an actual secretary again.

“How did you overthrow us so quickly?” asked one of the prisoners that happened to also be a former ruler.

“Cheats,” declared the green plumbob. “I cheated, because I was bored of doing this so-called 'strategy' thing and I completely forgot I was a literal God. Also, the author just gave up on trying to make a coherent plot out of whatever the hell this is.”

“It seemed more in character for me to just somehow randomly become leader anyway,” said the Dear Leader, shrugging.

They all went outside of the castle where the totally not brainwashed ponies started chanting Jim Pickens's name.

Lord Jim Pickett suddenly walked up to the Dear Leader.  

“Where's my land?” he inquired.

“You can have all of it,” the Dear Leader declared, making everyone gasp.

“You're not even gonna keep the land you conquered?” the princesses asked simultaneously.

Jim Pickens shrugged again. “This place has no pufferfisheria. I think I'd rather go back to my homeland where I can serve raw pufferfish.”

“So you decide to conquer our land and give it to somepony else, all because you wanted to go home?” shouted Luna.

“No, I wanted to rule the land, but then after three years of looking around I realized this land is not for me,” Jim shrugged. “You ponies care a lot about friendship. I'm going to outlive all of my friends. We are not the same. ”

“What?”

“I made Jim immortal with many Elixirs of Life,” declared Kevin.

“This is going to severely affect the economy,” muttered Princess Celestia.

“Lord Pickett did offer me a lot of money for the land,” Jim Pickens said, nodding in agreement.

Suddenly, a portal opened in front of Jim.

“Hey, you fecker! The restaurant has been without your supervision for like three years give or take,” said Shrek on the other end of the portal. “Also, there are three Minecraft horses outside with some Mii named Turg and a time machine of some sort. I don't get it.”

“Turg,” said the Turg that already went back in time.

“I get it now.”

“I order everybody to come to my restaurant and buy the raw pufferfish,” announced the Dear Leader of Equestria.

His loyal subjects obeyed as the restaurant was now filled with ponies and humans alike. The Pufferfisheria's business was booming once more.

“Another day, another infinite supply of cash,” the Dear Leader said to himself with a smile.

Also, the princesses were killed via guillotine.





Kevin looked at his computer screen for a long time before deciding to end the video.

“It looks like we're going to end it here,” Kevin said. “I hope you enjoyed the video. I appreciate you watching as always and I do hope to see you next time. Bye for now.”

“Hey, Kevin,” said RTGame, who broke into his arch-rival's house.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Kevin asked angrily.

“You've not left your house for three years,” RTGame told him. “You should probably touch grass or something, man. Everyone's worried about you.”

“My Sims game is corrupted,” argued Kevin.

“Have you tried turning your computer off and on again?”

Kevin turned his computer off. Suddenly, the entire universe was taken by Ralph the Darkness.


This universe no longer exists. Suck my cock.



- An unowned corrupted Sims 4 game


“I never feckin' liked ponies anyway,” cried Jim, the lone survivor of the sudden heat death of the universe. “Ah well, I might as well just turn Kevin's computer back on again.”

Jim used his godly swimming abilities in the void to reach Kevin's recording equipment that also somehow survived the heat death of the universe.

He then turned the computer back on.

…

Then when the universe didn't do a Big Bang or something, he decided to record a let's play on some phone he found that also somehow survived in the void.

“Hey there friends! How's it going? My name is Jim Pickens and today we're going to be playing God Simulator!”





Kevin looked at his computer screen in great confusion. Some deranged fan sent him a fanfiction about Jim Pickens ruling the land of My Little Pony for some reason. He thought it was a ridiculous premise and thus, decided to read the entire thing. It was pretty short, so he finished it all in about an hour.

“Huh? That was it?” he asked himself. “Some fecker worked on this for three years and that's how this story ends?”

Kevin shook his head. “Jim didn't even kill anyone until the end. This story is unrealistic as shit.”

Kevin then went to the supermarket to get some things. Unbeknownst to him, the Supermarket Monster was waiting for him and then killed him.

"I am the Supermarket Monster and I have killed my own creator," Ron announced. "He was my enimie."





Kevin looked at his computer screen in great confusion and anger.

"Why the feck would the Supermarket Monster kill me? I am Ron's creator! This story is unrealistic as shit."