Nothing Was The Same
"Princess Celestia, open the fucking door!" screamed Twilight as she banged on the front doors of Canterlot Castle. She was actually the one who had suggested Celestia get enchanted doors to guard against foreign threats, but she was regretting the decision now that she couldn't use her own magic to open them herself. A few moments later, the doors opened and Celestia's head popped out.
"What the hell took you so long?" said Twilight.
Celestia frowned. "Twilight, I was sleeping just as you should be. What's the matter?" she asked.
"I wanted to discuss potential solutions to the overpopulation problem."
"Of course. Come in, Twilight. Luna is busy at the moment, but she was born with a smaller brain than most, so we should be fine by ourselves."
Twilight cursed as Celestia withdrew back into the castle, leaving the heavy wooden door to swing and smash her in the face. "FUCK YOU, PRINCESS CELESTIA!"
A few minutes later, the two princesses were seated at a large table in the dining hall with two cups of tea in front of them. Twilight picked hers up with her magic and took a sip. Immediately, she choked and spit it out all over the table. "What is that? Did you shit in a cup and add water to it?"
Celestia flinched. "Twilight! I thought I taught you better than that. This is a specialty tea that can be found in very small amounts in very small parts of Equestria. Now you were saying you had a solution to the overpopulation problem we are facing, yes?"
Twilight nodded, but then a frown crossed her face. "Actually, according to my calculations we are in even more trouble than we thought. Remember how we thought it would take over a year for all our food to be consumed when accounting for the estimated amount of food we have both in storage and growing now?"
"Yes, what of it?"
Twilight glanced around the room to make sure nopony else could hear. "Well, it turns out we only have enough food in storage for a moon."
"Motherfucker!" exclaimed Celestia. And then she noticed. "You don't seem to bothered by this, Twilight."
Twilight gave her a smug look and pulled out a piece of paper with a circle drawn on it. "That's because I have this!" she said. She pulled out a marker and held it in her magic grasp.
Princess Celestia frowned. "A... marker?"
Twilight facehoofed. "No, you dumbass." She highlighted the big circle with her magic. "Let's say this is the entire population of Equestria at the moment. But watch what happens," she shaded about three quarters of the circle, "when we only have this much of the population left to feed!"
Celestia's eyes widened. "That's incredible, Twilight. But how would you accomplish that? And wouldn't the population regrow rapidly afterward anyway?"
Twilight shook her head with a smile. "That's the beauty of it, Princess Celestia. I've made a very careful decision on how to remedy this. You'll just have to trust me on this one."
Sighing deeply, Celestia rose from her seat and began walking away. "You know that you are free to do what you see fit, Twilight." As she walked away, Twilight heard her mumble, "I'm getting too old for this shit..."
The hard part of the plan was out of the way. Now, it was time to save Equestria, starting with her own town first.
As per royal order, every pony in Ponyville had gathered outside of Twilight Sparkle's Castle of Friendship. There various murmurs amongst the crowd, some excited and others fearful.
"What's going on?"
"Are we in trouble?"
"Maybe Twilight wants to fuck me!"
Twilight listened to it all with a look of amusement on her face. She waited just a few minutes longer, and then finally she spoke. "Citizens of Ponyville, we are gathered here today because of a very important matter. I will tell you what it is in a moment, but don't panic. I promise you we will solve it!"
"We're with you, Twilight!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash from the front of the crowd.
"Recently, we have discovered that Equestria is running out of food. In our current state, Ponyville will suffer a famine in less than a quarter moon." That drew gasps of horror from the crowd. "Now, I want you all to split into two groups based on this condition: If you are gay, come to this side and stand behind me. If you are straight, remain where you are."
"Ha, Twilight's getting rid of the gays!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd. As Twilight had calculated, approximately a quarter of ponies reluctantly shuffled over to her side, a clear sense of unease amongst them.
"Now everypony, take a look around. Do you think cutting a quarter of the population would solve our problem?" asked Twilight. Heads were nodding and the tension amongst the straight ponies was beginning to diminish. Suddenly, Twilight's voice turned ice cold. "Well you're wrong." The silence that followed was deafening. "Even though I hate them all, killing the gays would only solve the Equestrian food problem for half a year because you all fuck like rabbits. Unfortunately, that solution wouldn't work. Instead, it would be much easier to get rid of all of you straight ponies instead." She stepped back, and suddenly a group of ponies from the Royal Guard stepped forward and opened fire.
A hail of bullets rained down on the straight ponies. Screams of horror and pain filled the air, but they were all dead within a minute, including all five of her friends. Twilight listened and smiled as the last straggler finally lay still. "That was fun!" she exclaimed. Turning to the crowd of shocked faces behind her, she spoke in a low voice. "Remember how I said I hated all of you? Well that's still true. Just because there's more than enough food to go around now, doesn't mean you get to have as much as you want. No, you will all work on a farm for the rest of your days to earn your keep."
Twilight's horn lit up and every pony in the crowd was teleported to farms all over Ponyville. However, the gays were used to a pampered life and many couldn't adapt to the harsh working conditions. Some suffered heart attacks while others killed themselves. In under a moon, Twilight Sparkle had managed to cull the population by over ninety percent.
When she returned to Canterlot Castle, Princess Celestia greeted her with a smile and a hug. "I've checked the statistics, and it seems you've managed to solve the problem. I always knew you could do it," she said with a smile. "But how?"
Twilight grinned. "I guess you could say I had a little help!"