Prologue: in which the Protagonist introduces Himself.

Lilac Dreams. Huh. I have to admit, Mum has quite the way with names. And it’s a beautiful one, too, probably one of the most beautiful names I’ve ever heard. Furthermore, I can think of a whole bunch of beautiful mares in our town alone who it would suit very well, stunners the lot of them. But instead of them, I got it. Brilliant. Wonderful. I couldn’t be happier.

In case you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm. I’m a stallion. I’m a bloody stallion, and I get called “Lilac”. Brilliant. Considering that my coat, fantastic as it is, is only about a step away from bright pink, I don’t need ponies’ attention drawn even more by the girly name. Not that it needs to be, tall as I am. Whatever’s in my Mum and Dad’s genes clearly decided it was going to have some fun with me, making me as noticeable as possible by making me absolutely huge and then colouring me practically-pink, all the while maintaining my obviously stallionly bodily proportions just so that there could be no mistaking my predicament.

Still, I suppose I can’t complain too much. Obviously stallionly as I am, I’m apparently also quite the looker. Whilst I’m obliged through modesty to disagree, I guess I’m not as bad as others that I’ve seen. I’m pretty fit, my daily exercises keeping me toned and lean whilst my job keeps me strong (I pull heavy delivery carts for a courier company. It’s called Swifthoof Parcels, maybe you’ve heard of it? Hey boss, free marketing for the win!). Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah.

I don’t have a particular direction with this introduction, so I guess I’ll go back to my name for the moment. “Lilac Dreams”. Celestia and Luna, why? I mean come on Mum, I know you already had a few names picked out as options, but might it not have been possible to pick something more on the spur of the moment? Like, something to do with my mane, for example? My rainbow-coloured mane, as in? Yup, I’m one of the few (apparently lucky) Pegasi (did I mention I’m a Pegasus yet? No? Sorry…) to have been born with a mane and tail of rainbow colours. A “Rainbow Pegasus”, as it were.

I can’t help leaving the house without worrying that I look a total clown. Lilac body, rainbow hair. Nice. Ok, I do actually quite like my mane and tail, they’re pretty cool, especially because of the rainbow contrail they leave behind me if I move fast enough. It’s not an actual rainbow of course (I’ve only heard of one other Rainbow Pegasus who managed to do that) and it peters out after a few seconds like any other contrail, but still.

Doesn’t help me with the mares, though. Well, it might, as might other aspects of my appearance (including my coat, oddly enough), but I completely lack the confidence.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “What the hay is wrong with you, stallion? Despite your name and coat colour you’ve got more chance than most of us of sweeping any mare you want off her hooves! How could you possibly not have the confidence?!” Well, it’s simple. Everypony expects me to be all awesome and stuff, “Hey, look at me, I’m a Rainbow Pegasus, wanna come back to my place later?”, but I… I just don’t feel like that. It’s like, I can talk to mares, I have several friends who are mares, but beyond that… I feel like I should be able to act like a total stud, I have all the physical advantages and stuff, but I don’t want to and I worry that, if I tried, I’d just screw it up anyway, losing all scraps of “street cred” I have left, along with whatever self-respect I have for myself.

“Wow, listen to this guy whine, huh?” I know, I know, it sounds pathetic but that’s what goes through my head.

Oh yeah, fairly major point I’ve forgotten to mention so far: I can’t fly all that well. In practice there is nothing wrong with my technique or my wings, and I can fly pretty quickly and pull off the odd stunt or two. Nothing special about that, standard Pegasus stuff. But for whatever reason if I exert myself a lot, either flying normally for a long time (well, only about two hours actually) or doing something pretty badass like lifting a packing crate bigger and heavier than myself from ground level to the top of a Manehattan skyscraper (yeah, I can, so “Gary Stu” me all you want, I flanking dare you) then I get the most awful headaches.

Define awful, you say. Well, imagine your cranium being repeatedly rent in two by a rusty iron road sign. Cringing yet? It gets better. Take that mental image and then add being struck by lightning whilst it’s happening. Not finished yet. Take that new mental image and think about how it must feel to have your eyes impaled through by ten inch bucking drill bits. Ten inch bucking drill bits that are bucking well on fire. Add that to the mix, and you’ve got a pretty good representation of how the headaches feel.

You think I’m joking? I’m deadly serious.

Cue several examinations through the years by the best doctors Dad’s money could buy (yes, we’re quite rich. Come at me bro, I’ve heard them all) and still nothing. It kind of sucks for a Pegasus to not be able to fly as much as they would like. Whatever their walk of life, a normal Pegasus can take to the skies whenever they want to let off some steam, but not me. I have to effectively “save up” the amount of time I can fly each day, and even with mostly gliding I get a maximum of around two hours flight time before I plummet through the sky in unconsciousness. Did I mention the headaches knock me out? Woops…

So what with my lack of flight ability I’ve had to find gainful employment outwith the ordinary for Pegasi, hence my lugging delivery carts around down on the ground. Involves a lot of walking and lifting. It’s awesome. Sometimes I pretend I’m on a secret mission to deliver spy reports and I act shifty around ponies just to see what they do. Such is my life. It’s awesome. But why am I pulling courier carts around when my family’s as rich as it is? The job, whilst not itself exciting, is a great way to keep fit and see Equestria. I’ve been all over the place and met all sorts of ponies, plus the occasional other sapient being here and there (mostly Griffons, and by “mostly” I mean two of the three non-ponies I’ve met; the other was a grumpy donkey).

As far as I can tell that’s everything particularly important about me, so now I can get down to setting the scene for my story. “There’s a point to all this? Eegads!” You better believe there is, because even I’m not sure…

I kid, I kid! The start of my interesting little escapade was in Cloudsdale, with yet another examination by a doctor, only this one actually yielded results! Of a sort. They didn’t actually help fix me, but they did point me in the right direction to recovery. Recovery in the shape of two mares, in a little town I had yet to visit.

A little town called…(pause for dramatic effect)…Ponyville.

Seriously, so much happens here, I have no idea how I’d never heard of it before. The place is crazy, but awesome! Go there. Now, if possible. Anyway, onwards.

Will the two be able to help me? Will I ever get over my name? Will I ever stop asking myself pissy questions? Who knows, because I certainly don’t…

Chapter One: in which the Protagonist's strange medical problem is finally explained to Him

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I’ll skip ahead to the examination itself. Because, you know, who really wants to know about my nearly dying twice on my way to Cloudsdale from Neighsley, or the trials and tribulations of getting a chariot brought down for a Pegasus (me) because they (I) can’t really fly, or all the strange looks I got for my appearance, or the even stranger looks I got for walking everywhere… you get where I’m going? I’d rather forget it all, thanks.

Eventually I found myself in the city’s big main hospital, which rather pompously referred to itself as the “Cloudsdale Sanatorium”. Hoo hoo. Cue one session lying on a machine which pointed several scarily phallic-looking probes in my general direction, and about an hour later I was sat in a small office, a cloud desk separating me from the latest medical “professional” to think they could solve my problem. Considering how successful her peers had been, I was not at that point very hopeful.

“So, Lilac…” Dr Breeze began, consulting a chart on the desk before her.

“If it’s ok, I prefer ‘Dreams’, Doctor.”

“Of course, of course. Well then, Dreams,” she began again, now looking up at me with her wide teal eyes and giving me a small smile, “we know what’s wrong with you!”

…wow, really? Nopony’s even been able to figure that out before, so this was quite something. Taking my stunned silence as encouragement, Dr Breeze coughed slightly before excitedly going over some basic details.

“Ever since I met your father at the charity fundraiser last month, I’ve had my theories about what could have been causing your condition. Most of these went out of the window once I read through your medical history and saw what other doctors had already disproven, but enough remained to justify the use of my new Latent Mana Field Distribution Scanner!” The older blue Pegasus was getting increasingly animated about her chosen subject, and I prepared myself for a barrage of scientific jargon which I would be clueless about. Fortunately this proved unnecessary.

“As you know, Pegasi have latent magical abilities. Whilst the magical energy, or mana, flowing through us is tiny relative to a Unicorn’s mana, and it cannot be directed like a Unicorn’s either, it is this mana which allows us to function as we do.” I nodded. I did indeed know this, and she knew that I knew, but there is an unwritten rule which specifies that, when a pony says things like that, one keeps schtum anyway and lets them continue.

“Without the mana in our bodies we wouldn’t be able to interact with the weather as we do, and we probably wouldn’t even be able to fly either, hollow bones or no hollow bones. And of course, our hollow bones wouldn’t be magically strengthened to protect them, either.” Mare, get on with it already! Keep nodding, keep nodding…

“What would appear to be wrong in your case is that your body completely fails to regulate its mana flow properly. The mana within you flows around haphazardly, without being directed precisely where it needs to go at any given moment. In this state of flux it does manage to keep your bones strong and enable contact with clouds without passing straight through, but during flight your mana instead pools, as it were, in the part of your brainstem which should control mana flow, but doesn’t.”

“Jings, that’s a bit… exciting. How dangerous is that?”

“How often have you had your blackouts?”

“About twenty or so over my lifetime.”

“Ok, it’s a miracle you’re still alive. Such concentrated mana pooling in such a delicate part of a pony’s body could have completely ruptured your brainstem’s tissues.”

It took me several moments to digest all of that. I knew from the situations that I had been in whenever I had a blackout that I had been in mortal peril, but that had been because I nearly fell to the ground from high in the air. The fact that the blackouts themselves could have killed me before I was even rescued was quite a shock to the system. They were not merely an inconvenience any more, they could be deadly…

“So… now that we know this, is there anything you can do for me, doctor?” Dr Breeze’s eyes, which had been full of excitement even when discussing the more morbid aspects of my state, now lost some of their glow and her smile faltered into a frown.

“Well… no, I’m afraid not, actually.” Well, buck.

“I… see.”

“The problem is that there hasn’t been a case like yours before in recorded medical history. My assistants are working on the machine’s findings as we speak, and we seem to be making good progress with what we have, but in all honesty if your condition is treatable then it could be several years before anything actionable is confirmed.” She half-smiled again, adding that:

“If it’s any consolation, we’re going to name the condition after you!”

So you now see why I felt the need to go and get exceptionally drunk at the nearest bar I could find. Fortunately it was quite a good one, with a selection of better quality drinks available than your average watering hole, but not stuffy and high class like all-too-many Canterlot bars. I proceeded to order myself a Bellini, was slightly disappointed to note that they used yellow peaches instead of white, promptly sighed and then face-planted on the bar after downing my drink. I wasn’t drunk yet, it simply seemed the right thing to do at the time.

“You ok there, buddy?” asked the barman, an older Pegasus with a light green coat and a cider mug on his flank. You have to wonder how a pony comes across a talent like that, and I did so for a second or two before remembering his question.

“Yeah, I’m ok. Just thinking about life.”

“Mm, deep.”

“Yup. Or at least, if not deep then low. Ground level low, as a rule.”

“Try thinking about it like this: baby zebras in Africanter are starving, so you’ve probably got it better than them.”

“Touché.” I raised my head and spent the next hour or so indulging in alcoholic beverages both simple and sophisticated, and engaging the barman in an increasingly strange existential discussion, before eventually staggering outside (ok, it was more than an hour later, I completely lost track of time) and crashing into a passing mare.

The sheer and abject horror of believing you have accidentally killed a pony is a marvellous cure for drunkenness.

“Celestia’s teats! Are you alright?” I scrabbled as quickly as my off-kilter balance would allow me to help the poor mare to her trembling hooves, glancing around worriedly as I did so to see if anypony might misinterpret the situation. Fortunately, the street seemed deserted. Odd, given the fact that it was only early evening, but I wasn’t complaining.

“Um, I… I think so.” The young mare was, unsurprisingly, a Pegasus. “Duh, Cloudsdale, Pegasus city” you say, but you can get an enchantment done or drink a potion if you’re not, so shush: it’s description time.

She was probably one of the most attractive mares I had ever laid eyes upon (although I was dimly aware that the alcohol could have had something to do with that), with a light yellow coat and a simply, though beautifully, styled pink mane which half covered her face. As I waited for her to expand upon her explanation, or indeed to say or do anything at all, it became clear that she was actually hiding behind her mane.

Ok, I thought, she is really shy. Have to… say something… make… conversation…

I swayed and fell over.

“Oh my goodness! Are you ok? I didn’t hurt you did I?” Hmm, apparently that did the trick. The alcohol swirling through my veins had clearly become tired of not being the focus of my attention, and decided to introduce my face to the clouds as punishment.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m simply feeling a little inebriated after spending the last hour or so drinking away my sorrows, such as they are. And besides that, great clumsy oaf that I am, I would be more worried about causing you harm.” I tried to say this, really I did, but my mouthful of cloud prevented it. Which was probably just as well: I couldn’t stand, what was the likelihood of actually being able to string a proper sentence together?

“Sorry, I didn’t quite hear that.” Didn’t think you would.

“Basically,” I began again, spitting out the cloud this time, “I’m ok, just really, reeeeeeeeaaally pissed.”

“Oh my!” She flinched a bit at the slightly rude word, but then she steeled herself and a severe look came into her eye, a look every pony knows and comes to fear: I was, in no uncertain terms, about to get a dressing down.

“You shouldn’t let yourself get so drunk! Do you know how ill you can make yourself with alcohol? Your liver can get really damaged!” I cowered into the cloud beneath me, for once hoping my ability to walk on clouds would abandon me as well, but no mercy was granted from those beautiful yet terrifying eyes!

After a few seconds though, her stare reduced to the meek look she had worn previously, before she quietly added:

“So, um, I think you should stop drinking so much. That is, if it’s ok with you…” I was utterly nonplussed, and I hadn’t regained control of my jaw before she continued, in a kinder tone:

“What got you drinking so much in the first place? You don’t look like much of a drinker.” I think she might have added “I should know…” in an undertone afterwards but I wasn’t sure. Having nothing better to do with my evening than lie on the clouds outside a bar and talk with this lovely creature, I explained, as lucidly as I could, my reasons for getting smashed.

“Oh my, that must be awful for you!” she said sympathetically once I had finished. “I’m not really that great a flier myself, so I kind of know how you feel.” She looked at the kerb despondently for a second or two, but then she brightened up all of a sudden and looked at me with some degree of excitement.

“Oh! I know! My friend back in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle, is one of the smartest ponies in Equestria, maybe even the smartest! I’ll bet she could probably help you out, and she’d enjoy the challenge, too! And another of my friends in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash, she won last year’s Best Young Flier Competition! She could probably help too, because she knows so much about flying! I mean,” and she quietened down again, having almost reached a large enough decibel level for normal conversation, “if you want to, that is…”

A large swathe of what she said went completely over my head at the time (I only managed to figure it all out once I sobered up) but I got the general gist of things. And it did sound like an interesting idea, admittedly. I had never been to Ponyville before, and from what I had heard it was a lovely corner of the world. There were stories abound that it was primarily populated with beautiful mares and hardly any stallions in comparison; I had failed to believe such tales previously, but seeing the fine example standing over me I thought that at least the part about the mares being beautiful could be true.

“…Issat ssso?” The alcohol was really starting to take hold again, and I could tell that I had an increasingly short length of consciousness available to myself in the near future.

“Are you feeling ok?” the mare asked again, as I slowly began to succumb to sleep.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m goooooooood… just havva snooze… for a bit…” And I did just that.

Passing out on the street. Nice one, Lilac. Real classy. Yeah, well… shut up. Not my proudest moment, ok? Never did it before, haven’t done it since. When I woke up I had one helluva hangover, if that’ll make you feel better.

But that’s a story for next time, I can’t be bothered right now.

Tune in at the aforementioned next time, kids! Whenever that is…

Chapter Two: in which the Protagonist wakes with the previously hinted-at hangover and makes His way to the town of Ponyville

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Oh. My. Celestia. Luna. Faust. And all other deity-type beings. My head…

I awoke feeling the absolute worst I could remember being conscious for, and I feared I was experiencing the beginning of a blackout, but the iron road sign had clearly decided to take a break that day, because although the pain was awful it did not worsen. I lay my head back down on the makeshift pillow my front legs made and shifted uncomfortably. Although I was very sore of brain and desired nothing more than to remain where I was until some relief came to me, my partaking of copious liquids the previous night meant I needed another form of relief as well, and soon.

I’ll admit that I half considered going then and there, and to Tartarus with the consequences of pissing on whatever kind soul’s property I currently lay upon. Assuming that I hadn’t been picked up by the police. I hadn’t actually looked around myself (everything had been a swirl of colourful pain when I first opened my eyes) so I had no idea where I was. Deciding that it would be bad to not make use of an actual bathroom, I maintained control of my bladder for the time being and slowly opened one eye.

White. Pure white. Nothing but whiteness as far as the eye could see.

Well manure, I thought, I’ve gone blind. That is quite literally the last thing I need. Then I realised I was just looking at a wall and opened the other eye as well.

I was in the bar from last night. Perhaps the mare I had crashed into had convinced the barman to let me stay there? If I ever saw her again I would need to thank her, and apologise for being so blootered.

“AH, YOU’RE AWAKE AT LAST?” The barman was not actually screaming into my ears, nor in fact raising his voice above normal levels, but my brain didn’t like the noise nonetheless and I clasped my hooves over my ears and howled, which didn’t help how I was feeling one little bit.

“Heh, I guess you’re not much of a drinker, huh son?” he continued, his words no longer barbed with fiery thorns but coated in amusement.

“Could say that…” I mumbled after a moment or two of massaging my temples.

“That nice mare you almost flattened asked me to put you up for the night, and you don’t say no to Fluttershy’s eyes…” he chuckled to himself.

“Fluttershy? You know her?” I started to get up, one hoof still at my temple, and he nodded.

“Yeah, she and that daredevil friend of hers used to come in here all the time back in the day. But that’s another story.” He looked a little guilty for a moment, as if he had let slip something he shouldn’t have, but quickly recovered and pulled a note from behind the bar.

“Asked me to give you this.” He hoofed it over, and the letters swam before my eyes initially before I blinked them into clarity.

You should come to Ponyville today. I’ll tell my friends
about you, and I’m sure they’ll be willing to help as much
as they can. Once you get here, just ask anypony to point
you in the right direction and they’ll show you the way.
Remember, you’re looking for Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow
Dash.
Fluttershy

It looked as if she might have started to put an ‘x’ after her name, but had then thought better of it and crossed it out. Ah well.

“Well, that sounds easy enough. Do I owe you anything other than an apology for passing out on your doorstep?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. You might want to freshen up before you go, though. Come on, I’ll show you to the bathroom.”
I thanked him, relieved myself, washed myself, thanked him again and stepped out onto the street. It was about midday by this point, so plenty of ponies were going to and fro in Cloudsdale.

I made to join the throng, walking purposefully down the street before realising I had no idea how to get to Ponyville. And so began the next few hours of hardship, which I shall skip for convenience.

Ponyville. What a strange name for a place. Considering how long ponies have inhabited the land of Equestria it’s amazing that nopony thought of calling their centre of dwelling “Pony-something” before, but once you consider just how strange the idea is you realise why it was never done before, and hasn’t been done since.

Still, names aside it’s a very nice little place. Only a couple of hours’ train ride to Canterlot, traditionally built with primarily thatched-roof houses, surrounded by fields and rolling countryside… first glances would see an idyll. And in many ways it is.

For one thing, there really are more mares than stallions, and they really are very attractive. As I walked along the town’s main street my head was turning this way and that to take in the sheer volume of eye-candy casually strolling along beside me, or chatting outside cafes, or selling their wares from stalls, or whatever.

I’m not sexist. I do not see a mare as nothing more than a piece of meat to be pounced upon. But I challenge any healthy, red-blooded stallion unaccustomed to Ponyville to take a walk along its streets without risking embarrassing himself in some way.

For fear of the above, I approached one of the few stallions milling around to ask for directions. He was a big fella, red coat and orange mane, standing beside a cart selling delicious-looking apples. His cutie mark was an apple sliced down the middle, the cut side facing outwards. I thought he may have something to do with apples. But that’s just a guess.

“Excuse me, do you know where I can find a Miss Twilight Sparkle and a Miss Rainbow Dash?”

“Eeyup.” …ok then. He just stood there, chewing on a stalk of wheat with a glazed expression on his face. Clearly a prompt was required for continued information.

“So…?” He blinked and looked at me as though for the first time.

“Oh, sorry, Ah was miles away. They’re both over at Miss Rarity’s shop, the Carousel Boutique. Ye’ll find it down yonder road.” He pointed along a street to my left before finally considering my appearance.

“Yer big,” he said eventually.

“Nothing gets past you!” I grinned, hoping to invoke a similar response. He just kept chewing that stalk of wheat.

Munch, munch, munch…

“Weeeell, I’ll be off then,” I said, wanting to get away from the awkwardness as quickly as possible.

“Eeyup.”

I would have been better off just talking to a mare…

The Carousel Boutique wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fashion district of Canterlot. As its name suggests, it has the appearance of a highly stylised fairground ride made into a building. Flashy, eye-catching, and guaranteed to make an impression on whoever passes it. I ignored all of that and just walked in. Fashion-shmashion.

A little bell tinkled as I pushed the door open. The large showroom area was devoid of living ponies, but there were several mannequins dressed in examples of the proprietor’s work lining the sides of the room. I didn’t get a chance to examine any of these fine dresses (yes, fashion-shmashion, but I can still appreciate good clothes thanks to my parents’ tastes. Again I say: “Come at me bro!”) because a cultured mare’s voice called out from somewhere in a backroom.

“We’re in here, darling! Just come on through!” She clearly thought I was somepony else, but at the same time I didn’t want to just stand around an empty showroom.

It would be best to make my presence known, I thought, so I headed towards what I assumed were some fitting rooms.

Hang about. You’re going to walk in on some mare/mares getting changed? Well, no. I had every intention of knocking and announcing who I was. I’ve been raised properly. STBU.

As I approached the appropriate door I began to hear conversation. By the sounds of things there were two others besides the first, and it was these two who were getting fitted, although not necessarily at their own behest.

“C’mon, Rarity, how much longer is this gonna take? I’ve been doing your froufrou stuff for hours already, and I’m overdue for a nap as it is!” This second mare had a slightly husky sounding voice, but it was too even and regular to not be natural for her. To be honest it didn’t actually sound all that bad, and if anything it was rather alluring.

“Now Rainbow, darling, it’s only been forty minutes at maximum, and this side is almost…done! There we are! What do you think, Twilight?”

“It looks wonderful, Rarity, as always!” The third was far smoother voiced than the other mare being fitted, and although not as cultured as this “Rarity”, could definitely be described as sounding nice. “Cute”, in fact, was the word which sprang to mind.

“Excellent! Now, just a few little tweaks and your own should be done as well. Rainbow, be a dear and pass me those scissors? Wait, wait, never mind, I’ll get them. The fixings haven’t been set properly yet, so: Don’t. Move.”

Rainbow and Twilight? That was too much of a coincidence to be any other mares than my targets. I paused and knocked lightly.

“Um, hello?”

“Oh! It’s not Pinkie at all. Hold on a moment, girls, I’ll see who it is.” The door opened slightly and a unicorn mare (I’d call her beautiful but it kind of goes without saying in Ponyville) with a white coat and curled purple mane stuck her head out.

“I’m so sorry darling, but I’m afraid I’m rather caught up with some other customers at the moment and must have forgotten to put the sign up. If you would like I can arrange an appoint…” She trailed off as her eyes adjusted to the darker corridor and was able to look at me properly, before quickly stepping out of the room and flicking on the lights above us.

“Oh my goodness! Your colours are just fabulous!” she gushed, quickly invading my personal space as she examined my mane and coat in great detail. She was rather too close for me to be entirely comfortable, but I didn’t get this degree of attention very often (well, at all, for reasons previously described) so it’s not as if I minded.

“I’ve never come across another Rainbow Pegasus besides my friend Rainbow Dash before! Your mane is glossier than hers, but that’s probably just because she hardly pays any attention to it… Oh I simply must fit you in for an appointment for a suit or something! I do a little colt fashion, but I’ve never had the opportunity to make something for a stallion with anything like your palette before! Oh I can picture it now! Maybe a jacket in a shade darker than your coat, just to bring out your own colour even more…”

“Um…” I began, but it was clear the mare was in a world of her own; I would just have to grin and bear it as she examined me and made measurements with a tape measure she had magicked from… somewhere. I had to admit that she was very gentle of hoof and was in no way rough, but unfortunately this, coupled with the fact that she was really hot, turned the examination into a rather… stimulating experience. I was in danger of losing it and pomfing her in the face with my wings at any second.

I quickly decided that looking at my tail too was a bit much, so I wrenched my self-control back from wherever it had been hiding, gave it a slap around the face and shoved it forwards to fend for itself.

“E-excuse me miss, c-could you please stop?” My plea came out rather higher and louder than I had intended, but can you blame me? The mare froze in position, a goodly portion of my tail still clutched in her hooves, her gaze shifted from it to the rest of me, and she took it all in: my reddened cheeks, my fast and heavy breathing, my wings fluttering uncomfortably as they were held flat against my sides… Her eyes initially narrowed in confusion, before it finally dawned on her just how she had made me feel.

Have to say, I’ve heard of eyebrows rising in shock, but I’ve never heard of eyelashes blasting off. Maybe it’s a Unicorn thing?

“Oh my word! I am so, so incredibly sorry, sir!” She dropped my tail instantly and backed away, looking utterly ashamed of herself.

“Please forgive me! I get terribly carried away when my mind is on fashion and my friend Rainbow won’t let me do anything much with her mane and tail so I thought I might have had an opportunity with you but now you won’t want anything to do with my ideas and that’s absolutely understandable but−”

Rarity, as I assumed her to be, seemed to be having a panic attack, and was rambling on faster than I could understand. Despite her being the one at “fault” for the situation, such as it was, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She clearly considered herself very much the lady, and no doubt was going into meltdown at that time for what she probably considered a disgraceful lack of control.

“Listen, listen,” I interrupted, raising my hooves in an effort to calm her, “it’s alright, honestly. No harm done, after all.” I smiled a little, still struggling to control my wings but managing to slow my breathing down to an acceptable speed.

“R-really?” she asked, blinking in surprise. I nodded, giving her what I hoped was a more winning smile, and she seemed to calm down.

“Oh, well… thank you. Although I must apologise again: that was exceptionally unladylike behaviour, just… just using you like that without even asking permission. I hope you will let me make it up to you?”

…was that her trying to bat her eyelashes at me without any eyelashes? It looked really weird, I can tell you that.

“Th-that won’t be necessary, but thank you anyway. I’m actually here to find somepony. Someponies. I think they might be in there:” I motioned towards the dressing room, “Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash? I think they should be expecting me, but perhaps not here. Or right now precisely, either.”

“Twilight and Rainbow? Expecting you? Ooh! Are you the stallion Fluttershy was talking about? Some problem with his wings?”

“If Fluttershy is a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, then yes.”

“Indeed. Hmm, but I’m still busy fitting−”

“Rarity? Is everything okay out there? We’re kind of afraid to move…” The third mare called out to her friend, clearly confused by how long it was taking Rarity to blow me off. Send me away. Celestia save me…

“Coming darling!” she called, before turning back to me. “Actually, I have an idea! How would you like to see my two newest creations before they are displayed before the public? I would love to know what you think of them!” She didn’t actually wait for me to respond, but began pushing me inside.

“It’s the least I can do after, ahem, earlier, and you’ll be able to see Twilight and Rainbow Dash as well!” Fully convinced that a viewing of her work was ample apology for my discomfort, the highly fashionable Unicorn stood beside me and forced me to look upon said work.

“Now, what do you think?”

(I should explain here that the following takes place over about five seconds, with certain details related to me afterwards due to my attention being taken up by other things at the time. Please forgive my attempts at dress description.)

The two mares in mostly completed dresses looked at me in a combination of surprise and embarrassment.

Rainbow Dash (another Rainbow Pegasus, with a pale blue coat and a cutie mark of a multi-coloured lightning bolt coming from a cloud. Wait, you knew her already?) wore a bold and deceptively complicated mini dress or tunic with long sleeves. The article had a base of white with a spectrum of colour streaming forward from the rear, red in the centre and others to either side. A modest straight collar rose from just behind her neck to about the base of her skull and quickly fell away forwards, leaving a small gap below her throat before the button-up front began. The spectrum split where the collar rose and curled down her forelegs in separate looping spirals before fading back to white again, with each sleeve ending in a decorative upturned cuff above either hoof. The look was completed by her mane and tail, which were left to hang naturally instead of being styled. The end result almost looked somewhat masculine, but this actually suited the lithe Pegasus’ athletic build more than a flowing gown would have.

The dress of Twilight Sparkle (a lavender unico−huh? You know her too? How come?) was far simpler, eschewing the “cool” of Rainbow Dash’s in favour of old-fashioned classical elegance. It was formed from a single piece of deep red satin which shimmered slightly in the light, held together at the front with silver clasps in the shape of small stars. It was cut and stitched perfectly to display the curvy Unicorn’s shapely frame whilst still maintaining her modesty (Disclaimer: she was not fat; yes, “curvy” can sometimes be used as a euphemism, but that was not the case here). Her mane was styled into an elaborate lattice on top of her head behind her horn, whilst her tail and cutie mark were obscured beneath the dress.

My brain orgasmed at the sight of these two and promptly decided to half shut down.

“…maybe not fashion-shmashion…”

Pomf, thwack, “Ah!”, thud.

Woops.

Chapter Three: in which the Protagonist tries to salvage His bad first impression

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I sat at a table in the local bakery, one “Sugarcube Corner”, and nervously looked between the two mares sat side-by-side across from me. Both of them were semi-scowling at me, which was, whilst understandable, not a particularly pleasant experience. A mare scorned, et al, which I briefly considered very unfair. I mean, come on, I’d just wing-bonered at the mere sight of them both dressed up fancy. Shouldn’t they feel some degree of compliment at that? But then I remembered an important detail which set me right again: I had just wing-bonered at the mere sight of them dressed up fancy.

I should perhaps fill you in on what happened directly afterwards:

I was mortified, Rarity was stunned and somewhat sore from her impromptu trip to the floor, and Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash both looked at me with faces perfectly expressing their fluctuating desires of wishing themselves dead and wishing me dead. I had just made an awful first impression.

“I am so sorry!” It was my turn to apologise to Rarity now, as I quickly forced down my still quivering wings and helped the stricken Unicorn to her hooves once more.

“No, no, it is quite alright,” she assured me, somewhat shakily, but her confidence soon grew again as some of her excitement from before crept back into her voice.

“It was my fault you were so, ah, distracted before, and besides,” she said, turning now to the crimson-faced mares modelling her designs, “girls, if that wasn’t a positive response to your dresses then I don’t know what else could be!” I gawped a little as she clapped her forehooves together excitedly, and I think her friends did similarly.

“Ooh! They are so nearly perfect I can almost taste it! Alright, you two, I don’t think I’ll be needing you anymore today, but this stallion here is the one Fluttershy mentioned this morning. I’ll just get you both out of your clothes and you can all go and discuss things!”

Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope…

“I’ll wait outside!” I screeched from halfway through the changing room door as I galloped for the exit as fast as my hooves could take me, hoping they hadn’t seen my cheeks redden even more as my mind, unbidden, pictured them undressing.

I don’t think I’ve ever been closer to a heart attack in my life!

And so we all left the Boutique and came here, at the mares’ suggestion. Neither talked much during the short walk, and about the only words either directed towards me were a muttered collection of “Sugarcube Corner” and “coffee”. They had both availed themselves of different types of said beverage from a pretty but ridiculously bouncy (and literally bouncing, somehow) pink mare behind the counter who seemed to know them both very well. Frighteningly enough she seemed about to pounce on me, crying out something along the lines of “NEW PONY!” with outstretched hooves, but a glare from Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle soon put her in her place and she left us alone. Whether this was a good thing or not I don’t know, but she certainly would have provided a distraction from the awkwardness.

“Can I get you two anything else?” I asked hesitantly, in an effort to break the silence and try to seem friendly.

“More,” they said in unison, pushing their empty mugs towards me.

“Sure, right away!” I swiped the mugs up with my wingtips, which I noticed got a small glance from my fellow Rainbow Pegasus, and carried them briskly over to the counter.

The pink mare from before had been replaced by an older, shorter, blue mare with a pink mane. She, luckily enough, didn’t seem quite so willing to jump on me as her younger employee, and instead smiled sweetly at me as I deposited the two mugs before her and asked for refills. She provided a welcome distraction from the hostility I faced at my table, as I noticed that even here was evidence of Ponyville’s high mare attractiveness levels. Certainly the proprietor was several years older than me and I would never dream of actually making a move on her, but if she has foals then she definitely classes as a “yummy mummy”.

Unfortunately she noticed me watching.

“I’m flattered by the attention, young man, but I think you should know that I’m married!” She giggled at my flustered expression and held up a hoof to cut off my protests.

“I’m sorry, dearie, I couldn't resist playing with you a bit." She eyed me curiously as she finished pouring the coffees, finally saying:

"Is anything wrong, dear? You're looking quite haggard, if you don't mind me saying so."

"I am? Huh, I suppose that's not too surprising. I came to town specifically to seek the aid of Miss Sparkle and Miss Dash with a personal problem, and I managed to embarrass us all rather badly when we met." She smiled knowingly, but instead of giving some advice she called out a name:

"Pinkie Pie!" Instantly the pink mare from before was at her side. I don't know where she came from, or how she got there without me noticing her en route, but neither acted as if this was anything but normal.

"Yes Mrs Cake?" This Miss Pie had on the largest smile I had seen all day as she looked me over, and as I remembered again what she had tried to do earlier I instinctively took a step back.

"This poor colt seems to have made an ass of himself in front of some of your friends, how about you help him get back in their good books?"

"Okie doky loki!" And with that she was off, singing and bouncing around the whole shop in a fashion I later learned (with some horror) was customary for her.

~Twilight and dear Rainbow Dash, whatever shall I do?~
~I’m trying to get this poor colt here a little help from you!~
~It’s not his fault he lost control, that’s down to Rarity,~
~She ran her hooves along him in a fashion ecstasy!~

~He was pushed in on you unwillingly,~
~Once he’d been looked upon quite thrillingly!~
~And then he saw you all dressed up,~
~And he just couldn’t handle all the build-up!~

~And so with all this trouble I’m quite sure he’s had enough,~
~How about you let him off, it wouldn’t be so tough!~

~Because after all, believe it or not,~

"He clearly thinks you're pretty hot." This last line was spoken conspiratorially in a deep baritone that even I could not have replicated. Amazingly, the entire room had just become brighter and happier, and it was with great relief that I saw Rainbow and Twilight looking in my direction and actualy smiling!

"I guess it's not fair to be mad at you," the Unicorn said.

"Yeah, it's not as if you could have helped it, seeing as we're both completely awesome and all." The Pegasus grinned cockily at me and I grinned back, then at Twilight.

"Thanks you guys, and thinks Pinkie Pie." I looked at their manic friend, who was somehow wearing an even bigger smile on her face than before.

"I have no idea how you knew half of that stuff you just sang about considering that you weren't there for it-"

"Don't question it, it's Pinkie Pie." Her friends laughed as they said it whilst Pinkie nodded sagely.

"-but I'm terrible at awkward social things and I don't know how long it would have taken me to sort that out."

"No problemo, NPBBFD!" Ye whut?

"Ye whut?" I repeated out loud. Everypony else stared in similar confusion.

"New pony best buddy forever, duh!" she giggled. There was a collective "Ah!" of comprehension, before Pinkie quickly appeared directly in front of me with an absolutely adorable puppy-dog expression and meekly asked:

"I mean, we are friends now, right?" Trembling bottom lip and everything. Well, that escalated quickly.

"Uh, yeah, sure we are!"

"Woohoo!" She zipped out of sight suddenly and returned hefting a sizeable blue cannon above her head.

"Then you ponies know what time it is!" Plopping the cannon onto the ground before her (trust me, somehow that's the only word which can adequately describe the motion), she raised a hoof above the switch on its back in readiness.

"It's time for the 'New Pony in Town and New Best Buddy of Pinkie Pie Party!' With our guest of honour-" She stopped in mid-strike, hoof mere inches above the button. Frankly I wasn't sure what this strange device was going to do and thought a distraction might have been no bad thing.

"Oh my gosh, you guys! We don't even know his name yet!" Huh, oh yeah, about that... need we really? Prepare thyself, Lilac, thou art about to be laughed at.

"Well that's not very fair!" Rainbow Dash swooped overhead and looked down at me expectantly, a smile on her face.

"Um, need I really?"

"Of course you do, it's one of the basic things a pony has to do when they meet somepony else! Even I know that!" Twilight had stepped up as well, and now the shop's entire roster of current patrons was looking at me expectantly and calling out various words of encouragement.

"It's kind of embarrassing..." I scuffed a hoof along the floor, but they were having none of it.

"Alright! Alright!" I cleared my throat. "My name is... Lilac Dreams."

"What was that?" asked Twilight.

"Lilac Dreams."

"Try again?" Pinkie grinned.

"Lilac Dreams."

"For buck's sake, just spit it out already!" Guess who?

"LILAC DREAMS!" I scrunched my eyes closed, opening one just a crack and peering at the assembled crowd.

Nopony was laughing. That was odd.

Still, shan't complain- And then the room burst into hysterics. Buck my life.

“You’re called…you’re called…Lilac…Lilac Dreams!?” Rainbow Dash may well have sustained bruising as she fell to the floor from her elevated position, but if she was in any pain from the fall then it was clearly outweighed by her mirth. Rofl indeed.

“Quite. Could we perhaps be adult about this and move on?” Oddly enough, aid came from none other than Pinkie Pie, who was herself still somewhat red in the face but seriously trying to reign herself in.

“Yeah, come on everypony, it’s not fun if everypony can’t share the joke. Laughing at someone isn’t as nice as laughing with them. I should know.” Slowly everypony calmed down and went back to their various pastries, leaving me “alone” with Twilight, Rainbow and Pinkie.

“Wait a minute!” Pinkie suddenly exclaimed. “Now that we know your name, we can get down to partying!”

“Pinkie wait!” I stopped her from firing the cannon just in time. “Not that I don’t think a party would be very nice, and generous of you, it’s just that I’ve only got a few days of leave from my job and I’d like to get down to what I came here for in the first place.” She was disappointed, but then she brightened up again and said:

“Aw, ok. Well, just means we’ll have to have your party later!” The cannon dissolved into thin air, which is literally impossible for a solid metal object to do so I just ignored it to save my sanity.
Pinkie went back to the counter. Rainbow and Twilight both turned their attention to me (with no explanation for the cannon incident), and the latter said:

“Well, from what Fluttershy told us you’ve got a pretty interesting story, Mr Dreams.” Rainbow sniggered helplessly, mouthing a “sorry” to the both of us as we looked at her. I have to admit, despite the source of her amusement she does have a cute laugh, and the slightly pouting glare Twilight put on was also rather adorable, and then it came back to me that I was in the presence of two extremely attractive mares and I suddenly felt myself start to sweat.

“Then let’s get back to our table and start getting down to the facts!” Twilight smiled happily and turned around, followed by Rainbow. I gulped and made the very deliberate effort not to look at their swaying rears as we walked.

Hues: The Haphazard Tale of Lilac Dreams

by Jet Cannon

Prologue: in which the Protagonist introduces Himself.

Chapter One: in which the Protagonist's strange medical problem is finally explained to Him

Chapter Two: in which the Protagonist wakes with the previously hinted-at hangover and makes His way to the town of Ponyville

Chapter Three: in which the Protagonist tries to salvage His bad first impression