> Ponyville's Sexologist
>  by Norlf
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 01
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nurse Redheart deadpanned at the human sitting in front of her. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds, then breathe out. When she reopened her eyes, she asked with all the professionalism she possessed:

"Can you fucking repeat that, Anon?"

Without hesitation, he obliged. "What are the risks if I put my dick in Twilight's ear and fuck her brain?"

Redheart groaned and rubbed her temple. "You know, Anon, when I accepted this job-" She gently tapped the plate sitting on her desk. It read 'Nurse Redheart, Sexologist'. "-I was expecting some weird requests and questions, but this."

"What? Better I ask before doing something risky, isn't it?" said Anon, shrugging.

She frowned. "Technically, you're right. But think a bit! Fucking her brain? Seriously? H-How do you even think about this?"

"I mean, it's as good a hole as any other."

"You have problems, Anon. I swear, you're the only creature that asks me this kind of stuff! Last week a mare came for advice on how to better deepthroat her stallion. That’s the boldest it got this month. You? If I remember correctly, the least shocking thing you asked me was if there exists a way to increase the amount of cum you can produce without magic."

"I hate how magic feels on my balls," he said with a wince. "It's tingly and itchy."

"Whatever. You can’t fuck her brain," said Redheart, punctuating each word with a tap on her desk.

He let out a sigh, shoulders slumped and looked down. His eyes raised slightly to the Nurse. "Can I still try?"

Redheart slammed both her hooves on her face. "No! Why would you even want to?"

"Well, last night we were having fun together, and, you know, I like to toy a bit with her ears. They're so fluffy and–" 

"Get to the point."

"Right. So I had my fingers in her ear and I don't really know what happened but she slipped - she was sitting on my lap, see? - and accidentally my fingers entered deep into her ear." He wriggled two digits in front of Redheart, who grimaced. "I remember touching something weird, it was warm and a bit sticky."

"Too much information, Anon."

"Okay, sorry. So, when I touched it, she made a cute noise, and one of her eyes went all like that mailmare... Derpy?"

"Holy Princesses, you mean Ditzy Doo?!"

"Yeah, her. It was a bit funny, so I did it again, same result. Twilight didn't complain too much. Actually, I think she was as interested as I was. So I ended up fingering her ear all night. It was pretty hot, to be honest."

Redheart's right eye twitched. She stared Anon up and down, jaw slack. "H-How is she, now?"

He shrugged again. "She's fine. She complained a bit about a headache this morning, but I'm sure she would be up for it again."

"Please don't," said Redheart, resting her head on a hoof. "This can't be safe. Please, could you come again with Twilight so I could take a look on her?"

"Don't worry. She's doing research on the matter already," said Anon with a grin.

That was actually very worrying. "I'd prefer if she didn’t experiment by herself. I know Princess Sparkle is a very capable pony, but this concerns her health. So again, please come with her next time. Sooner rather than later."

"Will do, Doc'," Anon said as he got up from his chair.

"I'm not a Doctor; I'm still just a nurse. And don't put your dick in her ear until I can get a look at her!"

Hand on the door handle, Anon stopped and smiled at her. "I won't stick my dick in her brain, promise."


-----


"I stuck my dick in her brain..."

Redheart stared in horror at the Princess of Friendship, currently seated on the edge of her examination table. Anon was by her side, gently holding her with an arm around her shoulders to prevent her from falling. Twilight Sparkle had a faraway look on her face, a bit of saliva drooling from her slightly open mouth. She would sometimes emit a small gurgle, or try to say some unintelligible words, but Redheart had no way to know if she did that on purpose or if it was instinctive.

"I told you to come see me before trying this stupid shit, Anon!" the Nurse yelled when she finally recover from the shock.

"Yeah, I know but she wasn't like that after the first time."

"The first time it was just your fingers!"

"No, I mean the first time I tried with my dick."

"What do you mean the first time?!"

Redheart looked at the human, and he looked back at her. Anon could read fear, worry and shock in the nurse's eyes. Redheart, on her part, could only see sheer stupidity in Anon's.

She shook her head and decided to focus on the vegetative princess. "O-Okay, when did you do this?"

"You mean the first tim-"

"Anon!"

"At six this morning when I woke up."

"That's two hours ago. As she been in this state the whole time?"

He looked at Twilight and rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, more or less, yes."

"What do you mean, 'more or less'?" said Redheart with a scowl. "Have you tried talking with her?"

Anon turned to Twilight and tried to get her attention. "Hey, Twilly? Are you alright?"

Redheart watched as Twilight slowly turned her head to Anon, smiled dumbly and uttered: "Gu pebll ban." A flow of saliva trickled down to the floor, but the nurse paid it no attention. Instead, her gaze was focused on Twilight's ear.

She reared up and gently held Twilight's head in place to take a better look at the auditory canal. An off-white liquid was oozing from it. She frowned, and brought a hoof up to touch it. She had no doubts about what it was; she just didn't want to acknowledge the fact.

"Anon... what is this?" she asked, pointing to the suspicious fluid.

He leaned forward and looked. "Oh that's probably cum. Mine."

Redheart opened her mouth, then shut it. She tried to speak again, but failed once more. It's not that she couldn't speak, but she simply couldn't proceed with an appropriate answer to that.

"Don't look at me like that," said Anon, wiping some of Twilight's drool from where it landed on his jeans. "I had to pull out the first time; I wanted to know how it felt to stay in."

The nurse finally got a hold of herself and shouted. "You came in the princess's brain?!"

"Jeez, Red. Don't shout like that!" said Anon, holding a startled Twilight close. "You scared her!"

Redheart buried her face in her hooves and counted slowly in her head, breathing in time to calm herself. "Okay, Anon, I'm going to make a magical scan of her head. Did she eat something this morning?"

"Nah, she was still sleeping when I started fucking her."

Horrified, she stared at him with pinprick-sized pupils. "Anon, not only that's dangerous and stupid of you, but it's illegal!"

To her dismay, he chuckled and waved a hand in front of him. "Nah, don't worry, she agreed with me doing stuff in her sleep. She even made a contract with me."

That wasn't exactly reassuring, but she decided to ignore it for now. She'll just focus on getting Twilight back to her normal self and ignore any further comments from Anon. "Alright, I'll go fetch the scanner. Watch her while I'm gone. And for Twilight's sake please don't do anything else to her!"

Anon nodded and she left the room. Looking around for the scanner, she quickly found it in an unoccupied room. She had to ask for doctor Horse's help to get the heavy console rolling to her office though, and so, when the doctor entered the room his eyes fell on Twilight.

"By the princesses, what happened to her?"

"Well, she-" started Redheart, but she was cut short by Anon.

"I fucked her head and came in her brain."

Horse just stood there, expressionless. He stared in silence at Anon, then at Twilight, and then at Redheart. No one uttered a word as the stallion slowly walked back out the door, slowly shaking his head at the nurse.

When the door finally shut, Redheart turned to Anon and walked up to him. She jabbed a hoof in his belly, frowning, nostrils flared. "From now on, I don't want to hear another word from you unless I ask. Do you understand?"

"I-"

"Do. You. Understand?" she said, throwing him a glare that screamed 'I'll cut your balls off myself if you dare even humming your answer.'

Anon reeled back and nodded vigorously.

"Fine. Now let me work."

She grabbed a set of electrodes linked to the scanner and carefully placed them on the sides of Twilight's head. She then opened a hatch on the back of the machine, checking that the crystals were still powered with enough magic to work for the full duration of the process. After a few more manipulations, the scanner started humming. A couple of minutes later a sheet of paper scrolled out of a slot. Redheart grabbed it and started reading the results.

"... Oh, that's... curious."

"What?" asked Anon, completely forgetting Redheart's silent threat to his virility.

"Here, look," she said, pointing to a blue line on a graphic. "This. It's her dopamine levels."

Anon looked, but all he could see was that the line was blue, and it was rather straight, compared to the others. Redheart noticed his confusion, and explained.

"It's her pleasure levels. It’s stable and way above normal levels." She tore her gaze away from the sheet to look straight in Anon’s eyes. "She's having a blast right now!"

Both looked at the princess. She still had that faraway look, and her tongue had started lolling out of her mouth after the nurse had moved her head.

"She doesn't look like she's having a good time to me. She just looks stupid," Anon said.

Redheart walked up to Twilight and helped her put her tongue back in place. "That's because she's completely euphoric. Stoned Her brain is short-circuited from all the dopamine."

Anon raised a brow, scratching his head. "What?"

"She’s stoned out of her mind."

"Oh! So she’s like a pothead having the trip of a lifetime?"

"Kind of, yes. She probably won't remember everything after that. She will definitely remember some things, though." 

But Anon wasn’t paying attention, thinking out loud instead. "So my cum is like a drug for ponies..."

"No, not really, Anon," Redheart said, shaking her head. She looked back at the sheet in her hooves. She was deeply focused on the chart, examining each line of information it provided her. "Really interesting..." she murmured.

"What was that?" said Anon, who was looking more closely at Twilight's face; the princess kind of staring back at him with a dopey grin.

"Nothing!" Redheart said. She dropped the paper and trotted back to Twilight. "She won't stay like that forever, thankfully. The dopamine levels are going down steadily. Expect a return to normal this evening."

Anon gripped his chin between two fingers and looked at the princess up and down. "So, should I give her a refill before then?"

Redheart raised a hoof to kick the human but stopped herself in time and instead stomped at the floor. A tile cracked. "Neigh! Anon I swear if you pull your dick out of your pants before tomorrow I'll cut it off!"

Anon, like the smart man he was, decided to take the Nurse's threat seriously. Redheart was nuts enough to actually do it, and he wasn't willing to take the risk. "Alright, I won't do anything! What should I do then?"

Redheart rubbed the bridge of her muzzle and sat down. "Take her home, make her sit comfortably and wait. Maybe help her to drink so she won't get dehydrated. She can wait until tonight to eat something by herself. If something happens, or if she doesn't get better by tomorrow, come back with her. Understand?"

He nodded. "Okay. Thanks, Red'."

She watched as he gently picked Twilight up in his arms and walked out. The door didn't close right away as the head of an orange mare passed the frame. Redheart immediately recognized Carrot Top and remembered she had an appointment with her. "Oh, Carrot, please enter!" Both mares stepped to the desk, each taking a seat, then Redheart asked: "So, what brings you here this morning?"

"Well, I wanted some advice," she said, rubbing her forehooves together. "But it's a bit embarrassing... I don't want to sound like a pervert..."

Redheart rolled her eyes. "Quite frankly, I doubt anything you say would shock me."

"Oh, ok. So, uh, - Sweet Celestia this is so embarrassing! - sh-should I... try anal?"

To be honest, thought Redheart, without Anon, this job would be boring.
> Chapter 02
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Redheart closed the door to her home and started slouching along the street. She had woken up ten minutes ago and, following her morning routine, was now heading to Sugarcube Corner to get her first coffee of the day. Pushing the door open, she was greeted by Pinkie Pie, as cheerful as ever despite the early hour.

"Hi Redheart! The usual?"

"Yes. Plus a couple of donuts, please," said Redheart, eyeing the pastries on display.

"Oh, you have time for donuts today?" asked Pinkie.

Redheart nodded while stifling a yawn. "Yes, it's my day off. I'm going to sit over there, near the window."

"Okie dokie! Do you want to take the donuts now or should I bring them with your coffee?"

"With the coffee, thanks Pinkie," Redheart said as she walked to one of the table.

As she waited, she looked at the ponies setting up their stalls for the market. She thought about doing some shopping after her breakfast; she could use some fresh vegetables to stuff her fridge. She couldn't remember exactly what she had to buy, though. She needed her coffee to get her brain rolling. Thankfully Pinkie was soon here to deliver.

"Thanks, Pinkie."

"You're welcome!"

Redheart smiled at her, then grabbed a donut and bit into it before looking back outside. She didn't heard the clip clop of departing hooves, so she turned her head to Pinkie who was still standing there, smiling. Redheart slowly munched, looking the pink mare up and down. She took a sip of her coffee to gulp down her donut, then cleared her throat. "Can I help you?"

"Yes! You see I was wondering if I could ask you a question. I know it's your day off so it's OK if you don't want to."

Despite not being as bad as Anon, Pinkie could sometime ask some worrying things. Redheart didn't really want to deal with that now. She leaned to get a look at the counter, but saw no one waiting to be served, and the streets were still mostly empty. What a bright idea to be an early bird! she thought, groaning internally. She knew the best way to get rid of Pinkie without making her sad was to simply answer the question. With a soft sigh, Redheart gestured toward the seat in front of her. "Alright, sit down and tell me."

Pinkie's smile widen and she promptly plopped down. "Thanks! It's just a small question, don't worry. Can I cheer up ponies with sex?"

Redheart looked at her blankly. Without breaking eye contact, she lifted her coffee cup and slowly drank while Pinkie waited with a smile. "I'm not sure what you mean, Pinkie. Can you tell me exactly what you intend to do?" Please don't say 'sex parties', thought Redheart.

The pink pony looked around; the place was still empty for now. "OK, I can tell you! Yesterday I was with my friends for a picnic and Applejack told us Sugar Belle had break up with Big Mac! This is so sad. You know, Big Mac was really in love! Applejack said he's all so mopey and sad he can't even work anymore, and then Rainbow said -" With a brush of her hoof, Pinkie arranged her mane to look like Rainbow's and reclined in her seat with a smug grin. " -’Eh, nothin' a good rut won't fix!’" Her imitation of Rainbow's voice was so impressive Redheart had to double check to make sure the pegasus wasn't around. Pinkie returned to her usual self and went on. "It was a bit insensitive of Rainbow to say that but I was thinking: 'Maybe she's right? Maybe that would help Big Mac forget about Sugar Belle and cheer him up!' So do you think I should try? Maybe if it works I could do it for other ponies too!"

"Sorry Pinkie, but I don't think I'm the pony to ask that," said Redheart with a shake of her head.

"Oh, why not? Aren't you the sex expert?" Seeing Redheart frowning, she added: "Sorry! I mean: the sex medical expert?"

That was hardly better, but Redheart decided to brush it off. "Well yes, I am, but what you're asking is related more to sociology than actual sexology. I can give you advice for the act itself, not for the reasons leading you to said act. If you want my personal opinion though, I would advise you to first talk to Big Mac and let him tell you what you can do for him."

"Ooh, that's actually a good advice, thanks!"

"You're welcome, Pinkie," Redheart said, nodding. "Other questions?"

"Yes, what are 'sex parties'?"



-----



Redheart trotted out of Sugarcube Corner a hour later. Now that she had downed her third cup of coffee, she was ready to face the bustling market. She took her time to wander the alleys, stuffing her bags with vegetables as she went from stall to stall. She talked a bit with some ponies, sat five minutes on a bench to rest her hooves, stopped by a clothing stall to eye the scarves on display... everything she usually didn't have time for. She was almost done with her errands when she noticed, a few meters away, the unique silhouette of Anon. The human was walking in her direction, a bag full of groceries in each hand.

"Hello Anon!" she said as she trotted up to him. "It's been a while. The last time I saw you was at my office two weeks ago! How are you doing?"

"Oh. Hi, Redheart," said Anon, giving a hint of a smile at her. "I'm fine, thanks."

"You sure? You don't sound like it," said Redheart, frowning slightly.

Anon's smile faltered, and he bowed his head, dejected. "Ugh, sorry, Red. I'm not in a bright mood, I have to admit. Twilight ditched me."

"Oh," was all Redheart could answer on the spot. There was a bit of an awkward pause as she rubbed her leg, trying to form a proper response. "Uh, well, hm..."

"Don't worry, it'll be alright. I just need time," he said as he resumed his walk.

"No, Anon, wait!" Redheart stopped him with a hoof to his thigh. "Uh, do you want to talk? Can I offer you a drink?" With her free hoof she pointed to a nearby café's terrace.

Anon considered the offer, then nodded. "OK. Following you."

With a smile, Redheart lead the way to the café. She would have preferred to go to Sugarcube Corner, but she couldn't risk Pinkie interrupting in the middle of the conversation. This establishment was her second go-to place for coffee anyway, it wasn't too bad. The terrace was mostly empty, they had no difficulty finding a quiet table to chat without the fear of eavesdroppers. Redheart sat in front of Anon, and instantly a waitress came to take their orders.

"Coffee please. Long black, two sugars, just a hint of milk," said Redheart.

"Same," added Anon.

The waitress nodded and scribbled the order on her notepad. "Right away!" she said as she trotted back inside.

Redheart shuffled a bit on her seat to get more comfortable, then engage in conversation. "I didn't took you for a coffee drinker, Anon."

The human, sitting cross-legged to accommodate his size to the short table, shrugged. "I used to drink a lot of coffee, back home. I’ve had much less since I started living in Ponyville."

"I simply couldn't live without it. Working in the Hospital is just too tiresome, and the schedule is flat-out fucked up. Pardon my language."

"I don't mind, Red."

"Although I have to admit, the schedule is much more bearable since I got my new position. I don't need coffee as much as before, but at this point I'm already addicted," she said with a chuckle.

"I know how it is," said Anon, "My previous job asked me to sit all day and stay focus on my task. It was easy to fall asleep, especially after noon."

"Oh I definitely see what you mean! It was the same when I was working at the reception. My thermos was my best friend back then."

"I suppose it's the same, yes."

"Here are your drinks!" shimmed the waitress as she returned with a tray loaded on her back. She made it slide smoothly on the table, not spilling a single drop despite the drinks being filled to the rim. "Enjoy your drinks, and do not hesitate to call if you need anything!"

Redheart smiled to the waitress and let her take her leave. She grabbed a spoon and swirled the liquid before approaching it to her lips. It was burning hot, so she blew on it and set it back down to wait. She realized then that Anon had been doing exactly the same with his own drink. She smiled.

"So..." Her smile faltered a bit, and she cleared her throat. "Twilight and you? It's over?"

Anon sighed. "Yeah. Last week."

Redheart waited for him to go on, but he didn't. Instead he was simply twirling his spoon in his cup. She realized she would have to prod him to get answers. "And what happened?"

He stopped toying with the spoon and set it aside. "She didn't took well to the whole 'cumming in her brain' thing," he said before taking a sip of his drink.

"Oh really? I thought she was OK with it?"

"Uh... turns out that was too much?" said Anon, rubbing his neck. "But to be honest, it's not just that. It wasn't going too well between us for some time. It was bound to happen."

"I didn't know you two had problems," said Redheart with a raised brow.

Anon shrugged. "It's not something you let others see, you know how it is."

"I suppose." She raised her now reasonably warm coffee and took a swig. She enjoyed the taste for some time before going back to talking. "Pardon my curiosity, but was your problems with Twilight related to sex?"

"Uh, yes?" he said as he shuffled his legs awkwardly. "I'm not sure if I should say it, but yeah, Twilight and I weren't always on the same wavelength about it."

"Yeaaah," she said as she rolled her eyes. "To be honest, Anon, I was wondering if Twilight was really accepting of all the stuff you told me about in my office."

"I reckon that I have some weird fetishes, but-"

"No no no, Anon," Redheart said, chuckling. "You have some downright fucked up kinks, Anon. I can assure you that you have more imagination that anypony else in this town, maybe in Equestria. Just look at that whole 'brainfucking' thing, I didn't even know it was possible!"

To Redheart's surprise, Anon started to look ashamed. He bowed his head, averting her eyes, and scratched his neck in embarrassment. The human was getting suddenly too aware of his own perversity, and realized how strange he made things for Twilight.

Redheart leaned forward to reach his hand, and gently tapped it with her hoof as she smiled softly. "H-Hey, no, I didn't meant to shame you, Anon. Quite the contrary. In fact, I'm actually... curious, I would say."

Anon had to double check to be sure he heard this right. "What, really?"

"Anon, I'll be honest with you. I wouldn't have accepted this job if I wasn't myself a bit... dirty minded." She blushed a bit at that, but quickly took a hold of herself. "I thought being a Sexologist would be fun, and I even fantasized a bit about it. The truth is that most ponies are chaste. I mean, boringly chaste. The job is much less fun that I thought."

Anon nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I figured that already. I mean, the 'ponies are chaste' part," he said, making air quotes with his fingers. "It's a shame, you guys are like premium fucking material."

"W-Well yes, but not everypony is so prudish.  I know of a few ponies that have 'interesting ideas', but those are nothing compared to what you come up with." Redheart was talking with more and more enthusiasm, despite the blush that was growing on her face.

Anon laughed a bit. "You didn't look quite so happy though, that last time we saw each other."

She laughed too, rolling her eyes. "Please, Anon, I thought you wanted to kill Twilight at first! Seriously, fucking her brain. It's..." She was blushing more and more, so much that Anon could almost feel the heat radiating from her face. "OK, I actually was r-really curious about it." She cough in her hoof and grabbed her coffee to take a drink. She hesitated a few seconds before she blurted out as fast and quietly as she could: "Please don't laugh but I-tried-to-fuck-myself-in-the-ear-with-a-dildo."

Anon chuckled, brow raised. "You what?"

"You understood me!" replied Redheart with a snarl. "I tried brainfucking myself, and it worked. Almost. The fact is that I can't maintain the toy in place while I'm doing it. Once it's in, I can't even stand on my legs! This is so frustrating."

"Wow.You're serious, then?"

"Yes I am. I even... asked out an old friend to try it with me, but he refused. He called me crazy."

"His loss." said Anon, shaking his head. "Why would anyone turn down such an offer, really?"

"I know, right?" Redheart lifted a hoof to her head, scratching nonchalantly behind it. "But, well, maybe somehuman would like to take me up on the offer?"

"R-Red," stammered Anon, taken aback by the Nurse's bold proposition. "I'm just out of a major relationship, I can't go and hook up with somebody else like that. It's too soon."

Slowly, she pulled on the band who was holding her bun in place, and let her pink mane flow down around her shoulders. She raised half-lidded eyes to Anon, an murmured: "You sure?"

Almost instantly Anon sprang to his feet. "OK, show me your place."