Derpy is lost, trapped within the darkness of those who want to hurt her. Will she realize her potential or will she give in to those around?
Derpy is a young filly, lost and confused by the world around her, finding herself in a constant battle with the ponies around her who want to bring her down.
With none to help her, she loses hope and succumbs to their hateful torment. Even the comfort of her parents and her pet Harmonious isn't enough to help her. As those around her grow stronger and terrifying, Derpy only grows weaker.
Lost, trapped within a cycle of my own guilt and sorrow. The more guilty I am the sadder I become, the sadder I become the more guilty I am and the more ashamed I am of myself. I don't live a happy life, not even close. A life spent hiding away within the shadows, hiding from the predators that hunt me down. This isn't the life I want, but it is the life I am born into and that I have to learn to deal with for as long as I live.
I am only a filly, a grey coat and a pale yellow mane, nothing too out of the ordinary, right? But it isn't that they ridicule me for, it is my eyes. My stupid crossed eyes that plague my, acting as a reminder on how much of a failure I am, a reflection off my entire life. They aren't just a social problem, but a nuisance for everyday life. I can't walk without bumping into something, I can barely read, and don't expect me to find you easily.
Despite all those, I can hear. My ears are my guide, it is my only key to the world. I may not be able to read but it doesn't mean I am unintelligent, heck, it is the opposite. I am one of the most intelligent students in my year, all because I can hear everything. My memory is like a bank, storing everything it that enters through the passages in my ear like the greedy tax man with their money. But no body cares that I am smart, because how can all that intelligence help you hen you can't put it into practice?
Police Officer? How can I help citizens when I can't even walk without tripping over my own hooves. Scientist? I won't even be able to tell the difference between two samples placed directly in front of me. Store clerk? Looks like you need to hire a few ponies to reorganize the shelves I've muddled. The list goes on and on and on, never ending like the hole in my heart. Forever alone, humiliated for my flaws and not praised for my successes.
Despite all that though, my life isn't too bad. I have a loving a mother and father who are always at my side when I am at my most vulnerable. I have a pet cat, whose name is Harmonious, who calms me through my struggles and anguish.
Right now, I lay in my head on a pillow on the floor of my room. It is small, only containing a bed and a wardrobe that only stores a single dress that I haven't worn in years. My mind is worn out, tired of the week's hardships I have to go through, and dreading next week's set of challenges. This is the only thing I look forward too in life any more, just shutting myself in my room to think. I don't think of anything specific, just the first thing that surfaces to the forefront of my mind, it helps me ease my psychological wounds that are inflicted by those from my school. Usually Harmonious is with me, but she is sleeping in the other room.
My eyes begin to grow weary, my thoughts becoming more sluggish the longer I rest on the floor. Before I even realize it, I'm asleep. What do I dream about? I don't dream of perfect eye sight, that I can see the world in its fullest. No, if there is ever one thing I want in life, it is a friend. Even just one, and I can die a happy filly. Just a single friend and my soul can rest with no regrets because then I'll know that there is somepony out there who cares about me, the true me.
I wake up within the warm embrace of my blanket. My coat feeling warm and fluffy, relaxed and peaceful within the confinements within my bed. I let out a small smile, sighing contently as I wiggle slightly on the soft and comfort of my bed. Then, a small knock at my door disturbs my slumber.
“Come in,” I softly call.
The doors squeaks open, revealing my mum on the other side of it. She is a Earth pony who wears a grey coat with a long and silky light brown mane that curls around her neck like a snake. Her cutiemark is a mail card with wings. She works at the local post office as a mail mare, and oh how she is the best at it. She is as quick as light, never leaving a single letter, card or package behind. She is so fast that she would have to take half the load of mail from other mail ponies, which I find a bit funny.
“Hello my little muffin,” mother says sweetly, trotting to my bed and nuzzling me on my cheek.
“Hi mum,” I reply, wrapping my legs around her into a hug.
She brings a leg and hooks it around me into a embrace. Her touch is warm and welcoming, but it is the tranquility that comes with it that makes mum special. No matter how enraged or depressed I am, she somehow has the ability to push those that assault my mind to rest.
“You okay?” She asks with a voice as soft as silk, one that conveys their love and care.
“I am, don't need to worry about me.” I happily tell her which puts a smile upon her face.
“I made breakfast, your favourite as well.”
And just like that, my eyes shoot open with the biggest grin on my face. I untangle the blanket around me and jump out of bed. Before I can do something silly like run into the door frame, my mum places a hoof in front of me that makes me realize that I am way too excited and I need to be careful. I sheepishly grin at her before trotting over to my awaiting meal.
The smell hits my nose, making my mouth water. The smell of freshly baked dough, and the silent blueberries that try to hide themselves under that sweet scent. I turn the corner and there it is, on top of the table sits a plate, and on the plate sits a beautiful blueberry muffin. I let go of all my restraints to rush over to it and jump onto the chair, without a single problem, and engulf in mere seconds. The poor but delicious muffin had no chance of survival.
“I am guessing you enjoyed it?” My mum asks from the other side of the room, obviously knowing my answer by asking anyway.
“To say I enjoyed is an understatement. It is absolutely absolutely fantastic!” I answer cheerfully.
“I'm honoured you enjoyed it. I need to head to the shops to be some more food for tonight, you want anything?” She asks.
I don't really need anything, nor do I want anything. Coming to a conclusion I shake my head in response, to which she says her goodbyes and leaves to go out, leaving me at home... alone. Sighing, I slide off my the chair to go into the living. I jump onto the couch, digging my face into the arm rest. I don't like being home alone because it reminds me too much of how little friends I have, but at the same time I am afraid of going outside because of what others may think of me as soon as I do something stupid.
I feel lost sometimes, like I am trapped in a maze and can't get myself out. I am trapped in the darkness because I have no one else to pull me out, because none would care if something happened to me. I know I have my mum, my dad and Harmonious,but what happens when they can't pull me out, what will happen then? I'm afraid. I some times wish to have a friends. Somepony to help me from the darkness, somepony to make me happy when I am sad.
The day passed relatively slowly, I try to make a game with myself but it never really the same me and my mum and dad play together. So instead of trying to play a game, I pull out a random book from the bookshelf next to the couch and turn to a random page. I know I can't read but it doesn't mean I can't try, and my attempts are proving fruitful. Before when I was young, I wouldn't even be able to read a single word on a page because it'd be too blurry or because of my crossed eyes, the two images being printed in my brain would overlap each other making it unreadable. However, now that I am practicing reader it is now becoming slightly more easier to pick out the different letters and form a word out of them.
As I continue to read through the page, really really slowly, I feel something soft and furry rub against my leg. Looking down from my book, I notice a orange and a light shade of brown fluff curling against my leg. Seems like Harmonious is awake now. She lets out a few noises, and I pick her up to place her on my lap. I run my hoof through her delicate fur that makes her purr and lay down on my legs, her fur is as soft as clouds that radiates with warmth
We stay like this for who knows how long, but is shattered when I hear the front door open loudly which causes Harmonious to jump slightly, and me as well not expecting it. Looking up, mum has returned with two blue bags dangling from her mouth. She comes and hugs me before trotting off into the kitchen down the hallway.
"You okay dear?" She asks from kitchen.
"Yeah," I answer back to her.
I trot after her, my curiosity peaking slightly on what she has bought today. Staring at the bags she is unloading, it looks like we making some vegetable soup I think. I may not be able to read books but I can pick out objects as long as they're close; so I'm not entirely impaired with my vision despite what most ponies think of me. I make my way back to the living, trying to make sure not to bump into anything on the way, but despite my efforts I scrape my shoulder on the frame.
"Damn you eye, can't make me see right." I mumble lowly to myself.
Sighing solemnly, I take my place on the couch. I feel Harmonious stroke herself against my frame, it makes me smile slightly but has little effect on my mood. Wanting to be somewhere private, I move to my room instead. My eyes catches a glimpse of a small blue bag next to the door of my room that makes realize something, today is Sunday. Well isn't that just perfect. No matter how much I don't want to go there, I have to and I must for not only just me but for my mum and dad who support. I can't let them down. I like my school don't get me wrong, the teachers are nice and helpful. They try to stop the bullying that is being done to me, to which I am grateful for, but it isn't enough.
I hear mum exchanging greetings with my dad within the other room. As much as I want to go down myself and see him, my body refuses to leave my room like it doesn't want me to as if it is detrimental. I climb onto my bed and shove my face into my pillow. Looking out of my window, I can see the ponies traversing through town with smiles on their faces, conversing with their friends and loves ones as they go to where ever the need to or just standing around around aimlessly.
I stare at them from a bit, imaging myself within the crowd with ponies actually wanting to talk me, the ones I can call my friends. It is only a dream isn't it? A dream that won't come to fulfillment? I look away, not wanting to stare anymore at how happy they are. I want to go out there, to feel the sunshine on my coat and breeze through my mane, but trottingham ponies aren't exactly known for their positive view of those who can be classified as abnormal. I feel like crying; I want to cry, but I can't. All my tears have been shed long ago.
"How's my darling daug-" I hear my dad begin before abruptly stopping. He quickly comes to my side, trying to soothe my internal conflicts. "There, there, what's wrong do tell." He asks concernedly.
My dad has a bright white coat and a messy yellow mane, his eyes more yellow than the sun can ever be. His cutiemark consist of a train, symbolizing his involvement within the transport department. I'd love to come with him to his work someday, but it'd be too dangerous for me as he works on rail maintenance.
"Am I normal?" I ask, voice wavering sounding like I'm about to cry.
"Of course you are, only because your eyes are different doesn't me you are are different." He tells me, stroking my mane lightly.
"Then why does nopony care about me?" Tears, many tears start streaming out like a waterfall, an invisible valve triggered on maximum.
"We care about about you, don't let their words take you down, I love you because of who you are and am proud to call you my daughter," he says softly as I unload everything out.
He's right, I can't let them bring my down. I may be slightly different but on the inside I am just like them, they just haven't realized yet. But it's too difficult, I wish it can be easy but it isn't. I need to be strong, but as long as I have them I know I can do it. I may be small but I am strong. If I can't do it for myself then I'll do it for them. Because without them, I'd probably wouldn't be here in their embrace but instead- No! Don't think of that, not again.
Much time passes before I finally calm down, father still hanging over me as my guard from all of life's mischief.
"Come, your mum is making vegetable soup with salad." He says.
I nod with a smile then follow him out. I can do this, I just need to be strong. Tomorrow I'll show them how hard it can be to take my down. Celestia if you can hear me, thank you for giving wonderful parents.
Daylight streams through the curtains, flooding the room in a warm orange. The light assaults my eyes, disturbing my restful slumber. Groaning, I shove away the blankets over my body and onto the wooden floor boards of my room in annoyance as I rub my eyes clean. I stare up into the the ceiling off my room, feeling absolutely tired and not bothered to do anything. But despite my wishes, I'll know I will have to.
"Looks who's awake," I hear mum say from the door, poking her head through it.
"Morning mum." I say to her.
After getting out of bed and making myself look presentable before heading towards the kitchen. I quickly consume the bowl of oats and milk so I can make final checks that I'm fully equipped for the day ahead. Textbooks, quills and parchment, homework and exercise books all present with my lunchbox at hoof, nothing missing or out of place. Looking through the hallway and into the living where I can just make out a clock hanging on the wall, it reads eight thirty which means I have to leave really soon if I am to make it there on time.
But do I really want to go though? To go out there and into the dangerous territory of the outside world, where all of my hunters are waiting for my return so they can pounce on me like prey. I know I'll have no say in the matter anyway, I will have to leave my sanctuary one way or another. It's a phobia that plagues me, filling my mind with doubts that taunts me. Look on the bright side though, at least the weather is meant to be sunny for the rest of the week so at least I'll have that. It isn't much of encouragement to keep me motivated to keep moving forward but something is better than nothing, I just need to make the most of it no matter how small or meaningless it may be. My dad told me that, to just enjoy even the littlest things in life.
Now that I think about it, he always gives me a lot of advice, all of which I have taken to heart and used. Just keep moving forward, that is what I need to do, just keep moving forward. As mum realizes the time, she rushes me out of the house and into the streets of Trottingham. We live on the outskirts of the, not so grand, city that is bordering a large plain that my school is built upon. The school is big but not large and isn't built like the new modern builds, and has a lone oak tree at the left side that stands tall and strong over the building.
I feel my heart pounding against my chest as if preparing me to run or fight my fears as my hooves touch against the cracked concrete pavement, out in the open in the dangerous territory of my predators. My mum holds me tightly against her side, my school bag hanging off her back as she guides me through the already bustling roads.
The air is cool but not uncomfortable or unwelcome, the streets are painted a bright orange from the rising sun, and looking up into the great sea of blue fills my mind with a sense of calmness. It is nice, almost calming as I welcome the wonderful sensations. I feel my mum tug at my leg slightly, taking me out of my small trance, I look forward and I already know that just up ahead is my school from the fields of green that surround the long building. The ocean of green stretches for miles, dotted with colourful flowers from pink to blue and to yellow.
She stops in front of the school gate where I can hear all of the children playing and shouting in the playground like they don't have a care in the world. "You be okay now, okay? I don't want you to get hurt, be strong for." She says hopefully.
"I will." She hugs me and kisses me a cheek before making her way back home, waving to me as she leaves back into the city.
Turning away the speck in the road, I turn my head back towards the school. This is it, just have to survive for six hours no big deal. Taking in a deep breath, I trot through the blue gates, that might as well be prison cells, into the school. My heart is still racing, desperate to run and hide away until the moon is high in the sky when everypony is asleep and there isn't anyone awake to ridicule me. My eyes dart around me, though I can't see anything I can hear a voice calling me. And not a very nice one.
"Klutz, I'm surprised you made it here. I was thinking you got confused between the bin and this school. Nice to know you actually got something right for once." His voice is like venom, melting the insides of me.
Klutz... a nickname that the entire school knows. I hate it. Every time I hear it just makes me want to... do something. They may hurt me until I am a shambling mess but I refuse to retaliate, it isn't right even if they strike first. I learnt it the hard way. He obviously doesn't seem to know either. He goes by the name Fanged Claw, fitting for a devilish child. His coat is white with a light shade of brown, and has a dark and messy brown mane. Fanged Claw isn't the smartest in class but at the same time he isn't the worst, apparently he believes that he is too good to actually try during tests which is absolutely absurd.
"So what are you going to destroy today? You already got half of the school yesterday, working on the next half?" He chuckles to himself. "I must go, don't to be near you when the school caves in. Hope I don't see you Klutz." Off he goes, running off back into the crowd of ponies that scatter throughout the school yard.
My body vibrates with fury and the urge to cry, to bawl out my sorrows and then scream to his face that will make his ears burst into its basic atomic component. He may or may not know it but that name... it hurts me so much, the meaning behind it is what can be used to define my entire life, and to hear him use it so bluntly like that as if he doesn't care. It hurts, every time. But over time, it starts to hurt less. It still is painful like a constant thorn on my back but at least it isn't as bad, it just takes time and a lot of it.
Sighing, I quickly attempt to navigate into the school while, colliding into everypony who are either consciously in the way or the ones I can't see. Luckily for me they usually don't come in early because they'd rather spend their time outside which gives me a few precious minutes to wind down slightly from earlier. I head into the fillies restroom, hovering my head over one of the sinks I open the cold water tap and splash myself with it. I have discovered that it actually can be effective in relieving someone's stress, I don't really know the sciences of it but all I care about is that it works.
"Remember what I said," I tell myself looking into the small mirror that's glued to the yellow wall of the restroom. "Have hope and keep pushing forward, just need to keep holding on."
The bells that are scattered through the school's long hallways start ringing obnoxiously, a sound everyone hates and will love to destroy it for good. It is more annoying on my ears than anything else, leaving a slight discomfort in after the annoying chimes have ceased. I'm already sitting within the back of the classroom to avoid the traffic out in the halls that are equivalent to the Neighdian highways, which can arguably only be described are the most chaotic thing to occur since Discord .
My class enters though the small and narrow door as if a dam has broken, jumping and screaming as if the world about to end. They're like that a lot which gets frustrating when I am trying to work, but over time I have gotten use to it and it isn't that bad now. However it usually just slows down the whole education process which can be tad worrying, not for me but for them who take their school life with little seriousness. Wow, I just realize how much of a teach I sound like.
I watch silently as everypony enters, luckily no eyes are lurking within my general area which eases me slightly. Our class is surprisingly small, most having their own desk which are designed for two. I place my head against my desk as I start playing with my square and pink rubber with boredom. Then out of the blue, a paper ball hits me in the head lightly before bouncing onto the floor. I turn my head to see who has thrown it as I let me misaligned eyes scan the room, then I notice a group of three colts at the top of the room celebrating as one of them points to me. I let out a soft groan before laying my head back onto the table, annoyed at the fact that I have turned into their target practice and have yet to do anything about it.
Minutes later, the class grows quiet until only a pair of hoof steps can be heard coming from the front of the class room. Mr. Fields, our class' teacher who specializes in science, maths and magical studies, and is possibly my favourite teacher in this entire school. If there is one thing I like about him is that he is considerate, the one thing that ponies seem to lack these days as well as kindness. He has a navy blue coat and a black mane which makes a interesting combination, and has a cutiemark of some sort of staff that looks more like a branch with a gemstone hovering in between the split of the wood.
"Before we begin today's lesson let me first take the register." He states, his voice filled with excitement. Though it is within his nature to be quite happy, he just seems to be too happy. "Common Clocks?" He calls.
"Here."
As soon as he calls the first name I let my melancholy drown out their voices so it is only me and the silence left. My thoughts keep drifting to that name: Klutz. Even though I keep telling myself it is just nothing and that I should just let it go and carry on like nothing, I can't. They say that I am weak because I can't handle a little bit of name calling, but lets see them handle years of torment and survive for as long as I have
"Derpy Hooves?" I hear Mr Flanders call.
"Here sir," I reply weakly.
"More like Klutzy Hooves," I hear from the filly in front of me.
There it is, that dumb name that I despise with my life, constantly popping up out of no where to ruin my day.#
"Before I start to close, I want to introduce a new member of our class."
My head launches up from its uninterested state, and upright and surprised. The other students seem to show the same interest with me as they start to whisper between each other, questioning who it can possibly be. And when the suspense is too much, the mystery is solved when a mare enters the classroom which gains a few gasps from a few colts. My jaw unhinges as I stare at her, her coat is a glowing and bright green, and her mane is shining red that hugs against the back of her neck before curling at her shoulders. The mare's sparkling green eyes are just as mesmerizing, and her green seems to radiate confidence.
"Hello! My name is Green Flame." She says, her voice like silk but as strong as her posture.
"Green Flame would you like to have a seat and then we can begin with our lesson." Mr Field asks.
Her smile when she nodded makes her look cute and seems to be infectious. Wait what? As I'm broken from my stupor, I notice colts in the room signalling to the mare to get her to take her place next to her, but all invitations are declined. I jump slightly as I find Green Flame standing next to my desk, still having that confident smile of hers. Before she can have a clear view of my eyes, I quickly turn away so she can't see my blasted eyes.
"Can I sit here?" She asks happily.
Unable to speak my answer, I nod my head in affirmative. Green Flame takes her place next to me and sets her books on, what is now, our desk. I shuffle around on my seat, uncomfortable with the close proximity of the mare which is right next to me, as I try to keep me eyes away from her gaze so she can't see who I am.
"What's your name?" she asks chirpily.
I hesitate in answering the question but I reluctantly give in to her questioning. "D-Derpy Hooves," I reply nervously.
I shuffle nervously on my seat, uncomfortable with how close Green Flame is, as time slowly ticks by. Every second feels agonizingly slow, as if the universe has slowed down to near a complete stop and is forcing me to bear through it. Though the pass two hours has been uneasy for me it has been surprisingly uneventful, because usually I will be a magnet for ponies who want to make me miserable. Whether I should feel grateful I don't know.
Green Flame is, well, talkative. She likes to talk but isn't over excessive and over does it; she has a lot of self control from what I can see and is less provocative unlike the other ponies in this school. Though with each attempt to create a conversation with me is quickly shot down as I fail to reply to her. It isn't that I am shutting myself from her, but is because I haven't got the clue if I can trust enough to converse with her. I want to talk to somepony who has little intention on biting, but I am afraid that this is a mask to hide what is truly behind it. Even despite how different Green Flame appears compared to those others around me, I learnt the hard way that it doesn't always mean that they'll eventually turn on you.
I jump as I feel something touch me on the shoulder. Looking towards the source I notice that it is only Green Flame, who is giving me a concerned look? I quickly realize that she can see my eyes so I quickly shut them and turn away just in time that, hopefully, she didn't seem them.
"Are you okay?" She asks worriedly.
"Y-yeah." I squeak out. Huh, I guess I can speak.
Before she can speak a word, the school bells start blaring their unbearably loud sounds. I cover my ears but it is no use. The entire class erupts into loud chatter as they begin to filter out of the class in large clusters until only me and Green Flame are the last ones left in the now silent room.
"You coming?" She asks as she is about to leave.
I want to say no, so she can go and I can finally be alone and keep to myself with nopony around. But at the same time, do I really want to say no? Can I take the chance to become her friend despite my odds of achieving that goal? It wouldn't hurt to try I guess; so far she has been surprisingly non-aggressive towards me. I just don't want to be let down again, to be used then thrown away like a piece of scrap paper that nopony wants. I'll give it a chance, and maybe it'll turn out alright. And plus, all I am doing is going outside with her and... socializing, it shouldn't be too difficult.
I nod and start walking slowly with her which is enough to get a smile out of her. As we move through the long hallway, I feel my nerves start to rise as the the brightly lit doors at the end of the hallway gets closer and closer. I have to calm down, stay calm and you'll be alright. I know I am making this this sound more difficult than it actually is, but I don't like being around ponies. They cause me to become nervous and jumpy.
"So how are you?" She asks, quickly bringing me back out of my thoughts.
"I-I'm fine." I whisper back.
"Are you sure? Because you don't look fine." Green Flame continues sound a tad bit more concerned.
"I'm fine really." Why must she care about my problems, we barely know each other.
Despite my efforts in avoiding the conversation, she stops me in front to face me, giving me a stern glare. "Derpy, I'm serious about this. What's wrong." She says hardly.
I can't tell her anything, it'll make me appear weak and helpless, and it can ruin my chance of becoming friends. I don't like telling lies, but I don't have an choice. But if she finds out herself it'll be more worse because then she'll thing I'm disloyal because I can't trust her with the truth, which in all honesty is why I am keeping from her. This is a bit complicated, either tell her the truth or hide it. Both options having their positives and negatives but are equally as difficult to choose between.
"Derpy?"
"Huh?" I shake my head, still looking away from her.
"You just blanked on me, but that is besides the point, you're obviously not okay." Her concern for me is all too noticeable, and I would be lying to myself if it didn't make me somewhat feel slightly better to know that. But I only feel regret knowing that I'll be lying to her.
"It's just that..." I begin but the words die on my tongue. "I'm sorry."
She sighs, softening her gaze as she sits down in front of me. I turn my head away, not wanting her to see the few tears rolling down from my eyes as I feel myself fighting an internal battle. It is a like a storm that only continues to strengthen, refusing to calm, and I'm trapped in the epicenter of it.
"Please, I can't stand to see you like this." At this she practically begging for an answer. She places a hoof on my chin and gently pulls it so she can see my face to wipe the tears away, even though I am trying my hardest not to let them out. Her touch is warm and gentle, it feels like as if my mum were here to comfort me. "Let me help you."
"Y-you want to... help me?" At this point I don't know what to say. You don't have to be a genius to figure out how serious she about wanting to help, which is why I am so surprised.
She nods in affirmation. Calming myself, I retell my experiences here while leaving out more delicate information that I'd rather not share. I'm guess she is listening as she keeps silence, I can't tell because my eyes has attained a big interest with the white marble floor. I still believe that now isn't the time to show her my eyes, but telling her about some of my worries is like lifting a weight from my shoulder I never knew was there. By the time I finish telling her a small fraction of what I have to deal with, I can't believe I am actually saying this, I feel glad.I feel glad that I am able to share my life with someone who is willing to listen.