> The Rejuvenation Play
>  by Purple Patch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mayor Mare was showing signs of the stress of leadership.
Not as Mayor of Ponyville but as the director for the Rejuvenation Festival Open Theatre Production. Unfortunately for her, playing Rememberly the Bonnycorn, worshipped as the Great Imaginator, the narrator of the play, was a role that fell on her. She was fiddling with a pair of fake wings and a great prosthetic horn, that left her struggling to get in and out of most doorways. These problems had left her very grateful for the pony who suggested that the play could be set outside, quite literally an open theatre, where the audience would explore various parts of the town depicting the various scenes of the annual Rejuvenation Festival, the celebrated birth of Laurelore the Firsticorn. The idea had come from an unimposing, clumsy and heavily-pregnant pegasus called Derpy who had auditioned for the role of Dandelion, Mother of Laurelore. She'd had terrible difficulty learning her lines and was unlikely to make a very memorable performance but her idea was, nonetheless, a fantastic one and it had saved considerable time and resources by separating the play into several stages around Ponyville.
Derpy herself had undergone an unfortunate happenstance recently. A party in Fillydelphia eight months ago had culminated in her getting, as some ponies described, 'knocked-up' which had dealt her a severe bout of depression and fear of company. It had taken quite some time for her friends to bring her back on her hooves and together they'd helped organise and participate in the town play as a means of morale-building. The foal was soon to arrive in the coming month, she had said, but on everypony's insistence, she'd taken it easy throughout the play.
Written Script, who had both written the script and was playing Woodwork, Father of Laurelore, ironically suffered from stage-fright, so most of Woodwork and Dandelion's lines had been given to Carrot Top, playing Technicolor the Guide, who'd been handling things well it seemed.
Lyra Heartstrings and Bonbon were a double act playing Megan (Pronounced Meh-Ghan) the Mysterious, who came to the main characters to herald the birth of the Firsticorn. A legendary being from another world that walked on two legs and possessed strange appendages, Lyra had made the costume herself and the two mares stood atop each other and controlled her arms and legs with a hoof-made system of stilts and levers.
Bulk Biceps had been given the part of Warlord Tirek. Big, loud and formidable, he seemed made for the part and could at least be counted on for his scenes.
The Flower Trio, Lily, Daisy and Roseluck, were cast as the Founders, Chancellor Puddinghead, Princess Platinum and Commander Hurricane respectively. This was an opportunity to put their melodrama to good use.
Beside them, Colgate, Berry Punch and Cloud Kicker, cast as Clover, Smart Cookie and Pansy, had few lines to remember and had, as far as Mayor Mare knew, learnt them to her satisfaction.
Ponet, who was playing Tirek's spy, Verrucas, had insisted on more lines, difficult to come up with for a character who amounts to spying on the main characters, informing Tirek and being incinerated for bringing him bad news.
The Spa Ponies, Aloe and Lotus, were playing the Enchantresses, Ri'Kah and Dra'Ghal. They, it seemed, could be counted on both to learn their lines and their dance routine.
The Cake's Bakery served as the inn where the Dandelion and Woodwork tried to stay. Carrot Cake, the Innkeeper, had been worked off his back-hooves making pies and pastries for the cast and audience and so hadn't had a great deal of time to learn his lines. But he assured the rest of them that his wife and adopted daughter were there on hoof if he needed them.
The barn scene, where the Firsticorn would be born, would be held in Sweet Apple Acres since Granny Smith had, very generously, volunteered to let her family farm be used for the performance. Golden Delicious, Apple Fritter and several members of the family had volunteered to play the parts of the foreign travellers who behold the Rejuvenation and spread the word among their homelands.
Despite everyone's efforts, the rehearsals had been stressful. They'd gotten through enough rewrites to stock a library and many of these changes had been done in the last minute. Worse still, a letter arrived for her this morning stating that Princess Celestia herself would be taking time off her busy schedule to witness the play in person.
Still, this was a Rejuvenation Play not a Shaking Spear Performance. No-one was expecting tears by the end...or at least that wasn't the intention. Mayor Mare took another deep breath as she adjusted the wings one last time and took a look in the mirror. It would serve.


Exiting her office, she greeted the cast.
"All right team! This is it! The big night!" she made an effort to sound more confident than she felt "Now go out there and show 'em what you're made of! And if you forget any lines, don't be afraid to improvise! Make it convincing!"
"Ooh" Derpy, dressed up in a baby-blue gown and shawl, gave a small whine, clutching her stomach "I...I feel it...hurting..."
"Yes! Like that, exactly like that!" The Mayor piped up brightly "Well done, Derpy. Keep it up" She continued shouting encouragement as the cast and crew dispersed to take their positions. Alone and waiting for the audience, she turned.
"Okay, who ordered the dragon?"
There was a pause. The Mayor stared, perplexed, at a brown earth pony in a trailing scarf and a long woolly coat, standing beside quite possibly the most alarming creature she had ever laid eyes upon. A draconic beast of sorts, long, green and goggle-eyed.
"Bwawk!" the creature exclaimed and scratched itself furiously.
"I...don't think any pony ordered any dragon, Mr..."
"Doctor. Just the Doctor" He looked around, grinning wildly "Are you sure about that? The Rejuvenation Play Pre-Final Scene, Tirek's legions are driven away by Crackle the Magic Dragon. Isn't that right, love?" He glanced up at what was either his pet or travelling acquaintance.
"Bwawk!" the creature exclaimed.
"Oh...well...I believe, Mr...Doctor...we may have cut that scene owing to timing difficulties"
"What? Nononono. There's gotta' be a Crackle the Magic Dragon Scene. No play's complete without it"
The Mayor was about to protest when the newcomer waved a hoof to calm her.
"No worries dear, we know our lines, you can count on us. Oh and, just for clarification, is there a mare about to give birth in this play?"
"Well, yes, that would be the Mother Dandelion"
"Fantastic. Okay, we'll, er...wait for the curtain call. Oh, and Ms Mayor..." he added before leaving with the creature.
"Keep an eye on that statue!"
He pointed to a statue of a dismayed Draconequus that had appeared to the side of the Town Hall.
The Mayor blinked. The statue was gone.
"I am getting too old for this" she grumbled as the audience arrived.


Princess Celestia had explained to all those present that she was here as a simple member of the audience and little more. Nopony was expected to show any special honours or privileges or anything else that may spoil the intended performance. For the most part, the crowd had been obliging. She found the small, humble town quite relaxing. Far from the watchful eyes and honeyed words of Canterlot's elite, Celestia felt more at home in Ponyville than she ever did at the palace. The crowd had gathered in the early nightfall just outside the town, the area lit up with magical lanterns directing the mobile audience to the various scenes of the Rejuvenation.
"Good evening everypony and thank you all for coming on this very special night" Mayor Mare looked quite striking in her costume, the white gown and great wings of the Bonnycorn resplendent in the lantern-light "Welcome to our Ponyville Open Theatre Rejuvenation Pantomime. On behalf of everypony involved, we hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we've enjoyed rehearsing it...hopefully more so" 	There was a light laughter "As you know we haven't charged anypony anything to watch our theatre so at the end, there'll be this little sheep waiting here at the gate and all donations will be welcome. Thank you"
She gestured to a small, cream-coloured pegasus in a sheep costume, who held a bucket, handle in her mouth, labelled 'Please Give Us Lots Of Bits'. Below it, Celestia noticed, Bulk Biceps had added 'Or Else'. The little filly stood transfixed by the sight of the princess as the crowd bustled to the opening scene. Celestia gave a smile but the little pony trembled at the sight. Mayor Mare threw up her hooves as she narrated with vim and vigour.
"In the Tenth Year Before Equestrian Harmony, the great Dream Castle of the Flutter Valley had fallen and the land of ponies was wracked with disorder as the strong preyed upon the weak. And there were none stronger and none who hated the weak more than the evil Warlord, Tirek"
Bulk Biceps emerged from the hill, marching with a gaggle of ponies dressed as centaurs, gargoyles, griffins and diamond dogs. The enormous pegasus was painted bright red and adorned with black fur and two great curling horns. Ponet, bedecked in the outfit of a blue-grey gargoyle, strutted forward and burst into his soliloquy.
"Ooooooh gaze upon his likeness, ye mighty, and despaireth for dost ye not hear the ground tremble beneath his tumultuous hoof..."
Celestia blinked as the attention-hungry actor's prose reminded her of someone very dear to her. Someone she'd hurt in an unforgivable way. Someone she'd never forget. Before anyone could notice her tears, Ponet's speech was interrupted by Bulk Biceps who hadn't been informed of the unicorn's 'rewrites' and bellowed out his own lines.
"YEAH!" His voice made everypony present, Ponet included, jump back in shock "I AM TIREK AND MY REIGN SHALL BE ETERNAL! NONE DARE OPPOSE ME! I AM UNSTOPPABLE! WE ARE VICTORIOUS ACROSS OLD EQUESTRIA! OUR HOOVES HAVE TRAMPLED THE FLUTTER VALLEY! WE STOMPED THE DREAM CASTLES TO DUST! AND THEN WE STOMPED ON THE DUST! YEAH! NOW WARRIORS, TO LANDS BEYOND MY GRASP WHERE WE SHALL CONQUER AND LAY WASTE TO ALL BEFORE US! VERRUCAS!" He pointed a massive hoof at the clueless gargoyle "LET MY PROCLAMATION BE HEARD ACROSS THE VALLEY OF THOSE WEAK-MINDED EQUINES! TIREK DEMANDS TRIBUTE! EVERY FAMILY SHALL BE TAXED TO FUND MY CAMPAIGNS OR THEY SHALL ALL BE ANNIHILATED!"
"Y-y-yes my lord" Ponet answered. He cleared his throat and seemed poised to continue his speech before he was seized by the throat by Tirek in an inescapable headlock. Whether Bulk Biceps was intent on shutting up Ponet or simply getting into the act was uncertain.
"ONWARD! TO THE FORESTS OF ZEBRICA, THE DESERTS OF SADDLE ARABIA AND THE HILLS OF CHINEIGH! WE CONQUER ALL! YEAH!"
His warriors stamped their spears and clattered their shields in unison with a chant of "Ti-Rek! Ti-Rek! Ti-Rek! Ti-Rek!" as they left the stage to disappear over the hill, outside of the lantern's reach and into darkness.
Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. She had come here to forget the many trials and tragedies that had befallen her reign and the great body-builder had succeeded in providing the quite the distraction. She knew Ponet hadn't meant to offend or upset her but he had the potential to do so nonetheless, the way he was carrying on.
Mayor Mare seemed to share her relief as she led the crowd on to the next scene.
"Tirek cruelly taxed all under his domain. Those who could not pay were persecuted harshly. Many were forced to leave their old homes in the Flutter Valley, now a desolate wasteland thanks to Tirek and his hordes, and seek new life in the lands ruled by the Founders. Lands without the luxuries they'd become used to in the valley. Lands where the ponies toiled the soil with their hooves, crafted the clouds with their wings and cast their magic spells with their horns. The Valley ponies were distrusted by the locals and could find little shelter. One such family were a husband and wife. Woodwork and Dandelion, aided by their trusty friend and student, Technicolor the Guide, who knew Old Equestria like the back of her hoof"
More lanterns lit up and the main characters and appeared before the audience. Carrot Top wore a desert headscarf that the denizens of the Flutter Valley, now called the Ragged Lands, wore to shield themselves from the dust storms. Written Script wore similar garb and was pulling Derpy along in a small pull-cart. Derpy sat stock-still, breathing heavily, her unsteady eyes glazed over.
Written Script stared at the audience, his eyes bulging, and began to whimper slightly. Carrot Top jerked him out his predicament with an elbow to the side.
"Er...Tirek will never find us here, oh faithful Technicolor. But I fear if we do not find shelter, we shall surely waste away"
Mayor Mare gave him an encouraging wink and Carrot Top spun round to face the audience, unveiling her headscarf and smiling to the crowd who gave some light applause.
"Fear not, oh gentle Woodwork. You and your lovely wife, Dandelion, shall surely find help soon. Come. We are tired and here we must rest until we have the strength to continue on"
"Ow...." Derpy murmured "Um..." She was struggling. It was plain to see. But not just with her lines "What if no help comes at all? We are...oh...far from the Flutter Valley...no land was quite like it...we wanted for nothing...but-ngh...but...now..."
Sensing something awry, Carrot Top interrupted.
"Lie here and rest, dear friends. And hold out hope. I may not be from the old Valley where all life flourished and smiles never faded but I know that as long as we value hope and friendship then anypony can achieve anything. But for now we must rest" She gestured for them to lie down. Written Script lay flat on his back uneasily and made unconvincing snoring noises. Derpy, meanwhile, curled up on the cart, her breathing coming slow and steady.
Bright, hovering lanterns began to glow behind them as the huge figure of Megan the Mysterious appeared in their dreams.


"I still don't understand why I have to be the legs in this stupid suit!" Bonbon protested, whispering to her acting partner as she stepped precariously in the model's great silts, her friend sitting on her shoulders in an awkward position.
"You've got better balance. And both of us would regret you sitting on my horn" Lyra worked the levers above Bonbon "Besides, I know how these humans talked. I've done studies. This is my chance to prove to everypony what they were really like!"
A benefit of her design included the chance to freely read off her script within her controlling compartment.
"Hear me, gentle four-legged beings!" Lyra beckoned "For I am Megan of the Lost World of Five-Fingered Ones. Behold my flat face and complex system of extremities!"
	"Lo! By the semi-transparent wings of the Summerwings! I do believe I see an otherworldly guide come to bring us tidings of great joy!" 	Carrot Top leapt to her hooves and made a show of surprise as the figure of Megan slowly pointed one of her fingers in the direction of Ponyville.
"That way, my dear friends, lies salvation" Megan's voice, projected through several speaker devices, sounded deep, booming and almost ghostly "Close by lies a humble town where you shall bear your precious foal. You know this to be true, for I am Megan the Mysterious, Avatar of Happiness! Ancient and glorious am I!" And the figure raised her arms and breathed fire before striding off towards the farm on the outskirts of town. The audience cheered and whooped at the spectacle.
"Well..." Bonbon said inside the towering puppet "That went well. I didn't know you fitted a flamethrower in here"
Lyra was quiet for a moment then spoke with a hint of worry.
"I didn't" She looked about, checking the emergency exits. She'd installed them in the eight places she believed humans to have stored their magic.
"I think we should leave the suit"
"Really?" Bonbon looked up at her friend with concern.
"This has happened before"


The next scene took place at the Cake's Bakery, setting the scene for the inn. Carrot Top, Written Script and Derpy Hooves arrived and were greeted with Mr Cake.
"Hail, oh friendly innkeeper" Carrot Top proclaimed, bowing "We are travellers from a far-off land. Is there any room in your inn for three journey-worn ponies?"
"Er..." Mr Cake was stumbling at his lines. Behind the door of the bakery, Mrs Cake and a small filly could be heard chattering.
"Is is my line yet? Is it? Is it?"
"Not yet, dear, just give him a moment"
"Ah, my apologies, poor travellers, but there is no room at the inn...er...because of the derby...or something"
There was a pause. Far into the crowd, somepony coughed.
"I don't hear anything"
"Wait a little more, dear, I'll just get them going again"
Mrs Cake poked her head out the door and whispered the next line.
"Everything okay? The next line's 'I am heavy with child'"
"Oh yeah, also I am heavy with child!" Mr Cake exclaimed "So, you know, kind of inconvenient"
Carrot Top, Mrs Cake and Mayor Mare all facehoofed in frustration. Celestia, feeling the need to help, gave a gentle but meaningful nod to Derpy. The grey pegasus piped up.
"Oh...ooh...I mean...I am heavy with child!"
"Is it my line now?"
"Yes, darling, go for it!"
And with that, a young pink filly hopped up on the windowsill and joyfully contributed the line her adopted father had given her.
"In that case, we have room for you in the barn!"
The eager filly was treated with a great deal of amusement from the audience who clapped soundly and gave off a chorus of 'Aww's as she grinned and bowed to all before her. The bakers smiled proudly at her as Mrs Cake gently took her off the windowsill.
"Well done, Pinkie" she cooed "You were absolutely fantastic"
Mayor Mare, subtly mopping at her brow, beamed before the crowd.
"And so they made their way to the barn to prepare for the birth of their wondrous child"
"Ooooh...I can feel it coming" Derpy groaned as she was carted away.
"Yes, that's good, keep it up" Carrot whispered.
"No I really can!" The grey pegasus was whimpering and sweating profusely which caused wide appreciation for her acting from all who witnessed it.
"She's jolly convincing isn't she" said a stallion in the crowd that Celestia knew by voice to be Fancy Pants.
Yet she sensed all was not well. And not just within the play.
"Unknown to the travellers and indeed the rest of the town, a wicked grey gargoyle, Verrucas, spied on the poor helpless ponies"
A lantern lit up before Ponet, who stood in the alleyway, looking sombre. One might have thought he was about to burst into song.
"Aha! I spy the transgressors who would dare defy the almighty Tirek!" he waffled "Ah, at such times, I am reminded of my boyhood in Surneigh. Romping with my schoolchums in the fens and spinneys..."
"But he had no time to waste!" the Mayor interrupted "For he knew well that if he was late in bringing his master news, his punishment would be unspeakable"
Ponet opened his mouth, shut it, glowered at the Bonnycorn narrator and scuttled off.
He would get his chance later.


"Well, bah the silver sands a' glitterin' Kitalpha, it sure is a real good thing this barn 'ere is so hospitable" Apple Fritter, dressed in shimmering Saddle Arabian cloth, said at length.
"Indeed. Ah should say, bah the cloudy mountain of Qilin Wang, the folk keepin' such a barn are truly hard-workin' ponies" Golden Delicious added, his Chineighse straw hat shaking as he nodded. Mayor Mare rolled her eyes.
Trust them to take a little too much pride in their family matriarch's contributions.
"It is good that we may be among friends and gentle ponies in our hour of need" Carrot Top said outside the barn, conversing with travellers with suspiciously farmpony-sounding accents. Woodwork and Dandelion were offstage but, now-and-again, the pained moan of Derpy could be heard.
"But, fellow ponies, is there any danger lurking in these lands?"
"That thar' be!" Fritter answered "For they do say, bah the serpentine scimitars o' the Oryx Dervishes, these 'ere outskirts are stalked bah a pair o' wicked temptresses"
"And oh bah the jade visage of the Spring Temple Panda, there the evil creatures be!" Golden Delicious gestured frantically towards a clearing as the Spa Ponies leapt into view.
A white unicorn with bright ruby-quartz goggles eagerly switched on a small portable music speaker and began to bob her head to the catchy pop-classic Y.M.L.P by The Village Ponies as the two mares danced in a routine clearly inspired by one of Sapphire Shores' numbers.
Aloe and Lotus were dressed in tight-fitting black leather jumpsuits, open in several suggestive places, with prosthetic bat wings and long, devilish tails. Both wore heavy make-up and shimmering wigs. Aloe's was auburn, Lotus's was black. When their dancing had subsided, the two Enchantresses proclaimed their entrance.
"We're the Enchantresses of Gloom" Lotus began.
"And we like bringing pain and doom" Aloe continued.
"You can't stop our little game" 
"For Ri'Kah and Dra'Ghal is our name...s"
The crowd, and indeed the cast, took in the sight. The Spa ponies had kept their planning and preparations largely to themselves and this was appearing quite hard to take in.
Mayor Mare was certain that the suits they were wearing weren't appropriate for an all-ages pantomime.
"We are villains who like to rhyme"
"In fact we do it all the time"
"And if you don't think we look hot"
"We'll shove your friendship up your nose!"
Lotus closed her eyes in resignation and hissed to her sister.
"You were supposed to say..."
"Sister! Not in front of the foals!"
"I'm not the one who bought these costumes!"
"Look, let's just get on with it!"


Carrot Top shook her head, trying very hard to move on from the spectacle before her.
"Er...Zounds! These wicked enchantresses seek to lure away faithful Woodwork with their dreaded wiles and...um..." She found herself bestride the two Enchantresses' bodies who ran their hooves through her curly orange mane.
"Forget Woodwork, you're much more stunning"
"Indeed, you get our essence running"
"Er..." Carrot Top remembered that the lines where the Enchantresses attempted to lure Woodwork away from his wife had been some of the many given, instead, to her.
This was problematic. Particularly seeing as the Spa Ponies seemed to be taking the change in direction a little too well for her liking.
"Now play along and none of your lip"
"And don't make us get out the whip"
"OH NO!" Mayor Mare squeaked somewhat louder than she may have meant to. This fiasco needed to be prevented and quickly. Fortunately, she had come prepared.
"The evil Enchantresses have our heroes cornered! But you, the audience, can save them!"
The Cakes and Apples brought up several tables, cluttered with pies, tarts, flans and soufflés. But they weren't for eating.
"Quickly! Throw the Enchantresses off their trail...by throwing these!"
The young colts and fillies in the audience needed no persuasion as they swiftly gathered up the desserts in both hooves and took aim. 	As Carrot Top flung herself out of the firing line, the Enchantresses stood stock-still with horror.
"Wait a minute" Lotus squealed "Was this in the script?"
"I don't know" Aloe whimpered "Mine sort of ripped"
"...stop rhyming, sister"
"OPEN FIRE!" The hyperactive pink filly from the bakery sounded the volley as Ri'Kah and Dra'Ghal were pelted at every angle with the well-aimed pastries. The various pies and puddings, each one brimming with whipped cream and syrup, splattered them utterly until they were quite literally covered in the stuff. Apple Fritter lassoed the two of them together and spun them round, turning them into a rotating target for the young ones. There they spun, round and round, plastered with sugary muck, unable to fully comprehend their situation, until the tables were empty and the sound of cheering and giggling of foals echoed throughout Ponyville. Carrot Top finished the show by taking a large cauldron of purple icing-sugar that Bulk Bicep had labelled 'Smooz' and dumping it over their heads, leaving the two of them wearing it like an oversized hat.
"Hooray, hooray, the wicked enchantresses have been driven off thanks to our brave, intrepid audience! Thank you all! And let's hear it for Aloe and Lotus!" she proclaimed and gave the two of them a light push offstage to a raucous applause. The two of them unsteadily tottered two and fro, lassoed and blind, the cauldron stuck on their heads as they struggled to keep balanced. As it hit a tree with a resounding 'Dong!', they fell on their rumps and sat, dazed and bewildered, tied together, covered literally from head to hoof in pies and crowned with the pot of lilac ooze.
It had definitely not been a good day for their dignity.
They both found themselves muttering the same thing at each other.
"This was your idea!"


"Well, that went...okay" Written Script, ironic given his name, struggled for words as he peered out the barn door they waited behind.
"Oh...it hurts!"
"Yes, Derpy, very good. It's alright, we're offstage now. Sheesh, those enchantresses didn't know what hit 'em!"
"Doctor..." the gray pegasus whimpered "I need...Doctor..."
"It's okay, Derpy, we're not on for another few minutes" Written Script tore his gaze away from the peek in the barn door and turned to the Mother Dandelion who was lying on her back, her legs apart, and gasping for air.
"D-Derpy?" The Father Woodwork shook his head in bemusement "It's great that you're getting into the part and all but wait until..."
"SCRIPT! IT'S COMING! IT'S REALLY COMING!" Derpy yelled, trying to be heard over the applause outside.
"Wh-what?" Tentatively, the unicorn bent down and checked her, peering between her legs. His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
"Oh...my...gosh"
And he collapsed, comatose, on the floor.
'Well this is no better' Derpy thought, shutting her eyes tight as another contraction ripped through her body.
The pain was unbearable, worse than anything she'd ever experienced. It wasn't like hitting her head or crashing into things. This was from inside. She was in agony. And her foal might be too.
'Doctor, where are you?!' She was screaming in her mind, too pained and scared to make a noise out loud.
'I need you! Doctor!'
> Chapter 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"YOU DARE, VERRUCAS!" Bulk Bicep's voice boomed through Ponyville as the flimsy grey gargoyle cowered before him on the Town Podium, serving as Tirek's throne "YOU DARE BRING BAD NEWS TO ME?! YOU KNOW THE PENALTY FOR FUELLING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH!"
Raindrops, playing a Griffin Sentinel, handed Warlord Tirek a bright red cheerleader's pom-pom, representing a fireball, which he hurled at the trembling Verrucas. Ponet caught it and clutched it to his chest, letting loose a drawn-out cry of mortal agony.
"Ooooooh, I'm dying!" he droned, flailing pathetically. Mayor Mare was beginning to wonder whether he and any of the Flower Trio were related.
She took off on the narration "And the unfortunate gargoyle was gone-"
"Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surneigh..." Ponet suddenly continued. Either he hadn't been informed that the character's final lament had been cut for timing or he simply didn't care. The Mayor's bits were on the latter.
"Romping with my schoolchums in the fens and spinneys-"
"Just then, the merciless Tirek cast another fireball at the gargoyle who had displeased him" The Mayor butted in. Bulk Biceps glanced about, picked up the pom-pom and threw it at Ponet.
"Only grazed me" Ponet smirked as he continued regardless "When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lum-"
Bulk Biceps, once again, picked up the pom-pom and rubbed it in Ponet's face, shoving him offstage.
"The final fireball incinerated Verrucas in an instant, leaving behind nothing but a silent pile of ash!" The Mayor snapped "Tirek's cruel punishment stunned his upper circle as he plotted to do away with this..."
"Hi Ho, I'm Verrucas' brother, Laryngitis!" Ponet popped back up on stage, his costume unchanged but for a small ruffle of the wig "I haven't seen him since our boyhood in-" Another pom-pom to the face shushed him.
"And so died the last surviving member of Verrucas' household" The Mayor barked, struggling to compose herself.
"Well..." Celestia heard Fancy Pants mutter "I certainly didn't see that coming"
The Mayor continued.
"What better proof of Tirek's ruthlessness than-"
"Hello, I'm the jellied-eel salesman! Years ago I went to school with Verrucas!" Once again, Ponet reappeared on stage, having pilfered Mr Cake's baking hat "We used to romp in the fens and spinneys-"
A bombardment of fireball pom-poms bludgeoned him off the stage.
"And so died the jellied-eel salesman" This time, the red-faced Mayor saw Ponet opening his mouth for another attempt to complete his prose "And then just to be certain, Tirek had ordered his hordes to lay waste to Surneigh until not a single friend or acquaintance of Verrucas remained, such was his cruelty"
Right on cue, there was an explosion in the distance. The Mayor didn't want to think too hard about where it came from.
"I say, this is all becoming rather gory" Fancy Pants exclaimed.
His last chance thwarted, Ponet stomped, fuming, off the stage.
"Barbarians..." he sneered "You're all barbarians"
"YEAH! WE'RE ALL BARBARIANS!" Tirek roared "AND NOW I AND MY BARBARIAN ARMY SHALL EXTERMINATE THESE FILTHY PONIES! I SWEAR BY MY DOUBLE SET OF RIBCAGES THAT I WILL DESTROY THEM ALL! YEAH!"
The crowd were quiet for a moment, which was becoming quite frequent.
The Mayor braced herself for a long night ahead of her.


Safely out of Ponyville's proximity, a mint-green unicorn and a light-beige earth pony stared, faces blackened with ash, at the smouldering remains of Megan the Mysterious.
"Well shoot" Lyra cursed "I knew that was too much dynamite!"
"Why even...actually forget it, I don't wanna know" Bonbon snapped.
"Never mind, I kept the blueprints. I'll nail it next time, don't worry"
"Well find someone else to play the lower half. How does anything stand on two legs, it's impossible...and kind of degrading"
"Look, I think, right now, we should check on the others"
"I guess. Still, we're not back on until...What The Hay Is That?!"
Lyra and Bonbon turned to see a peculiar creature. It resembled some form of four-legged beast covered in a white and purple goo with an enormous spherical head. It didn't seem to have very good balance as it was crashing into more obstacles than Derpy on a bad day. 	Taking lessons from the Apple Family herding cows, Lyra and Bonbon flew to either side of it, steadied it and rested it down. It was making muffled noises from underneath it's head.
"Let me guess" Bonbon said, sardonically "Something to do with humans?"
"I'm not some human-obsessed simpleton, Bonbon. And don't give me that look. Besides, I don't think it's some weird creature at all...look here" She recognised the label "This is Bulk Biceps writing. It was gonna' be used in...oh dear" They gingerly removed the cauldron to reveal two very cross spa ponies, lassoed together and practically plastered in a mixture of pastry cream and icing sugar.
"Uh...hey girls...how did your scene go?"
"Get us some towels and don't even ask!" Lotus growled "I don't believe this! This is simply disgusting!"
"What are you, kidding?" Bonbon said, licking at her hooves "This stuff tastes really good. I really ought to go to the Cakes more often"
"Bonbon..." Aloe seethed "If you try to lick me, at all, you will be walking on stumps"
"It's just a good job Vera didn't take our parts" her sister groaned "She starts crying like a baby if a hair in her mane's out of place"
"Alright, settle down" Lyra said "Let's all just find somewhere to get cleaned up. We need to be ready for the final scene before long"


"At last, Technicolor found the Three Great Founders of Equestria, Chancellor Puddinghead of the Earth Ponies, Commander Hurricane of the Pegasi and Princess Platinum of the Unicorns, who were in the middle of a heated debate"
The scene lit up on three ponies dressed as the founders, shouting irately across a table and flailing their hooves wildly.
"I say your thirty bit airship fuel tax goes too far!" Daisy barked, adorned in a purple gown and silver coronet.
"I wouldn't talk about going too far if I was wearing that!" Roseluck thundered, armoured with grey plate and a plumed helm.
"Can we change the subject?" Lily butted in, dressed in a brown, green and pink motley suit with literal bells and whistles attached. She then loudly declared to both the cast and audience.
"Foals come running for the great taste of Crayon Sandwiches!"
The ponies playing Platinum and Hurricane glanced at the Earth Pony Chancellor and then at themselves.
"I say we take everything Puddinghead says with half-a-grain of salt at the most" Platinum declared.
"Agreed" Hurricane said. And with that, they high-hoofed, sat back in their chairs and punched the air with both hooves.
"The system works!" they yelled.
Puddinghead muttered something probably not suitable for an all-ages audience.
"If you'll pardon my intrusion, great leaders of ponykind, I must beseech you" Technicolor bowed before them "In a humble town not too far from here, between each of your capitals in fact, some dear friends of mine are having their child"
"Why do you bother us with such petty distractions, outsider?" Roseluck bellowed "Foals are born everywhere, everyday from everypony. This concerns us not!"
"Temper yourself, Commander!" Daisy decreed "Let her speak. Are we not reasonable?"
"Quickly!" Lily warbled "I intend to introduce new rules for all of Equestria before tomorrow! The compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, corsets for the under-fives and equal rights for all citizens!"
"Why the last part?" Carrot Top asked.
"Oh I just put that in for a joke! What do you think?"
"I think we should move on!" The Commander snarled "Explain your business, traveller, waste no more of our time"
"They shall have a foal, bold leaders, but a foal like no other. The destined ruler of all Equestria, bringer of the New Great Age of Magic and Harmony" Technicolor spread her hooves over her head in a mystical gesture.
"The destined ruler of Equestria?" Platinum repeated.
"Bringer of the New Great Age of Magic and Harmony?" Hurricane repeated.
"Well I didn't vote for her!" Puddinghead babbled.
"Please let me explain, wise founders. Megan, Guardian of the Flutter Valley appeared to me in a dream and told me that the foal they bear shall bring rejuvenation to ponykind so that all the world may know of the magic of friendship"
The Founders gasped in unison. With the length and volume, it was a wonder they didn't all pass out.
"Can it be true?!" Daisy cried "A being calling herself Megan, Avatar of Happiness, appeared before me in my dreams and proclaimed that a foal would be born, a unifier of Equestria who would spread her light and wisdom across the world!"
"Indeed!" Roseluck roared "And a creature calling herself Megan of the Lost World of the Five-Fingered Ones materialised in front of me as I slept and promised that a foal born this night would forge six great elements that would guard Equestria from any threat!"
"Just so!" Lily exclaimed "And I too saw Megan, hounded by two similar entities. One had long blonde pigtails, the other an ochre fringe. They would not stop whining until I clobbered them soundly with an oversized herring which I then ate with my eyeballs!"
"...good enough" Carrot Top said in a resigned fashion "So you must be aware that this foal will bring a new age unto Equestria. But Tirek, the destroyer of our peaceful home, comes now to ensure none escape him and live"
"Fear not, gentle traveller" Colgate, representing Clover the Clever, appeared, smiling serenely "You are most welcome in our lands as are all in need of help and shelter. Such is our way"
"Right you are" Berry Punch, representing Smart Cookie, took her place beside Clover, trying her best to look sagely "If this village stands between the domains of the Unicorn, Pegasus and Earth Pony, and indeed if these dreams you and our leaders share then it concerns us all"
"If this Tirek, or any other, poses you a threat," Cloud Kicker, representing Private Pansy, flew down and hovered proudly above them "then he'll find in us a far greater foe than any other he could dream of"
"Our trusty companions speak truly as they always do. So be it" Platinum rose from her chair.
"So to witness the birth of the fabled foal and repel this fierce foe we shall embark forthwith" Hurricane rose in turn.
"And there'll be much rejoicing!" Puddinghead hollered, leaping from her chair.
From Carrot Top's expression, it was clear that she too believed a long night was ahead of her.


'Okay...okay...' Carrot Top thought, patting her brow with her discarded face-wrap as she waited behind the barn for the scene to begin 'Last scene, the founders arrive, bring her gifts, Tirek arrives, chased off, foal is born, bright lights, yadda-yadda-finished, what could possibly-'
"AAAAIIIIIEEE!"
'-have possessed me to say that?' Groaning, she ducked inside the barn.
"Could you ponies please keep it-WRITTEN SCRIPT WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HEAD BETWEEN DERPY'S LEGS!"
Derpy turned to her dear friend, her face a picture of strain and terror.
"Carrot...he...he won't wake up"
"Soon fix that!" She knelt down, grabbed the unconscious stallion by the scruff of his collar and shook him angrily "Written, you are in big trouble you cheating little...wait...Derpy are you..." Her mouth dropped.
Fate clearly had it in for her.
From outside, the Mayor could be heard narrating to the arriving audience.
"And so the founders prepared for the fabled foal six precious gifts"
The barn door opened as the Founders stood before the audience, bringing their gifts.
"Behold!" Colgate sounded "I, Clover the Clever of the Unicorns, arrive with my sacred gift. A star that fell from beyond the sky, brought down by Star-Swirl the Bearded to guide me to Princess Platinum. It represents Equestrian Magic. To be gifted unto the fabled foal"
"Behold!" Daisy beckoned "I, Princess Platinum of the Unicorns, arrive with my sacred gift. A great diamond that my father gave to my mother on their wedding day which she later gave away to provide the poor with food during a great famine. It represents Equestrian Generosity. To be gifted unto the fabled foal"
"Behold!" Cloud Kicker announced "I, Private Pansy of the Pegasi, arrive with my sacred gift. A Celestine Matriarch, a beautiful and long-lived butterfly, which I brought home as a caterpillar and raised to adulthood. It represents Equestrian Kindness. To be gifted unto the fabled foal"
"Behold!" Roseluck rumbled "I, Commander Hurricane of the Pegasi, arrive with my sacred gift. The spirit of a mighty lightning storm, frozen in time by our ancient rainbow craft when it threatened Cloudsdale. It represents Equestrian Loyalty. To be gifted unto the fabled foal"
"Behold!" Berry Punch proclaimed "I, Smart Cookie of the Earth Ponies, arrive with my sacred gift. A great autumn solstice apple, preserved with earth pony alchemy by my mentor, Lady Cripps the Pink, that shines gold in the presence of good ponies and glows silver among those who would do the bearer harm. It represents Equestrian Honesty. To be gifted unto the fabled foal"
"Behold!" Lily trilled "I, Chancellor Puddinghead of the Earth Ponies, arrive with my sacred gift. Since this is a party, I bring a big happy balloon. The gas I was using to blow it up made me feel dizzy and my voice went really high-pitched and that made me laugh a lot. It represents Equestrian Laughter. To be gifted unto the HOLY FIRSTICORN SHE'S GIVING BIRTH!!!"
"No, Lily, the line is 'She's giving birth to the Holy Firsticorn', you dope!" Berry Punch snapped.
"No, no, no, she is actually giving birth! Now!" The Founders flung off various parts of their costumes and crowded round the barn entrance taking the sight of Derpy in the midst of labour and Carrot Top frantically trying to bring Written Script to his senses. All six of them started to fall into hysterics.
"The Horror! OH THE HORROR!"
The Mayor, watching this chaos ensue, smiled a little too sweetly at the audience.
"Would you excuse us for just one second, thank you"


Cantering over to the barn, she in turn started to lose her mind.
"What are you doing? We've got them in the soles of our hooves and you're-oh my Celestia!" She had caught sight of Derpy, her foal primed to emerge "Oh! My! Celestia! Not now! Quick, for goodness sake, get Nurse Redheart!" She exclaimed "Towels! We must have towels! Somepony get us some towels!"
"Who better to ask?" Aloe and Lotus, somewhat cleaner than how they had left the stage, appeared with a towering pile of towels. Lyra and Bonbon appeared behind them.
"Hey, everypony, panic averted. The fire won't spread" Lyra was wiping at her brow before she noticed the sight "How's the scene going? The audience are looking pretty...Oh no, this is ridiculous!"
"Oh my gosh, Derpy, are you okay?!" Bonbon handed the towels, one after the other, to Carrot Top "Take the towels! Take 'em, quick!"
"Thanks, girls, you're the best" Carrot Top laughed weakly "No hard feelings?"
The Spa Ponies shot her a look that said there most certainly were hard feelings.
Still, they'd save that sordid story for later. For now, it was all hooves on deck.
Golden Delicious, Apple Fritter and their assorted family seemed on top of things. Apparently, there were several occasions when farm-ponies were forced to give birth in their homestead. Everypony else did what they could to reassure the birthing mother. Nonetheless, 	Derpy was in a terrible state, heaving and screaming.
"DOCTOR!" Her cry was heart-rending, full of pain, as if betrayed "DOCTOR!"


Outside, Princess Celestia spun round and addressed the audience.
"Is there a doctor here?"
"Right here!" A brown hoof rose in the air, holding a bizarre wand-like device that emitted a blue glow and an electric hum as Doctor Whooves fought his way through the crowd. "Make way there, sorry, 'scuse me madam, thank you, sorry, oomph!" He tripped at the edge of the crowd, colliding into Fancy Pants. A tall slim alabaster mare helped him up.
"Are you alright, old chap?"
"Yeah, yeah, no worries. Love the bowtie. Bowties are cool"
"Thank you, Doctor. I've always thought so"
"I like the bowtie too, just saying" the slim mare said, blushing.
"Charmed. You're a very kind and, if you don't mind me saying, very pretty young mare"
"Th-thank you, Mr Fancy Pants...my name is Fleur"
"Can we save the flirting for later please?!" The Doctor snapped as he approached the barn "Now then..." He tugged at his scarf in anticipation as he swung open the barn door.
"Somepony called?"
"Doctor!" Tears ran down Derpy's cheeks but she smiled "You came for me! I knew you'd come! I knew it! Thank you! Thank you!"
"That's right, Derpy, I'm here for you. Always. Don't you worry" He looked round and rubbed his hooves casually.
"But first things first...who's having the foal?"
Derpy's friends all slowly pointed, slack-jawed, to the grey pegasus with the swollen belly, lying on her back, breathing heavily.
"Just checking. Alright, give me a sec" He rolled up his sleeves, positioned himself straight in front of Derpy, and held his hooves out in front of him, as if it were a bouncing ball that would exit between Derpy's legs. "Ready when you are"
"Oh sweet clopping Celestia, just kill me now!" Carrot Top screamed, throwing her hooves up high.
"I am not in the habit of killing, young mare...or...the other thing "


All heads spun to see the Princess towering over them, her head was low and her wings tucked in order to fit into the barn. Her voice, however, was serene and soothing as she craned her neck over to look Derpy in the eyes.
"Be calm, little one. Push, push. Come on everypony, give her a hoof"
The ponies all flocked to help her. Derpy wouldn't stop crying.
"It hurts...it really hurts, Princess!"
"I know, Derpy"
"Does that mean something's wrong?! I don't want it to be!"
"Do not worry, Derpy. There is nothing wrong, it's all very natural. It will be painful and perhaps quite frightening but that is why we are here for you" 
"It's too early" the birthing mailpony wailed "Something's wrong, I know it!"
"Perhaps I may be of help" Celestia inched forward "I can perform some spells that could..."
"Princess..." The Doctor held up a hoof politely "Without meaning any offence, I think this is something we can get through ourselves. Your magic's alright for saving Equestria and guarding against monsters...but birthing a foal...that's something that not even alicorn magic can make easier. What Derpy needs is her friends looking out for her. And I think we can handle that"
"You may well be right, Doctor" Celestia nodded and stood back "You will be alright Derpy. You are in safe hooves. Do it for your foal"
Derpy nodded, mumbling like a nervous filly.
"Okay...okay...I can do this...I can do this but...please somepony be with me"
"Of course, Derpy. We're here for you" Berry Punch looked down guiltily "I'm so sorry. It was me and my stupid parties that got you into this"
"No, no, Berry, it's not...it's not your fault" Derpy clasped Berry Punch's hoof.
She smiled and spoke.
"Look, next time you get a contraction you just hang onto my hoof real tight, okay, grip it. Tight as you like"
Derpy did so as her face creased in horror.
"Oh it's coming!" she wailed.
"Okay"
"Here it comes!"
"Okay. Don't worry, Derpy, however much it OWOWOWOW YOU NAG YOU NAG YOU NAG!"
"Berry! Don't swear in front of the foal" the Doctor scolded.
"OH BUCK OFF YOU QUACK! IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING USEFUL, GRAB MY OTHER HOOF!"
"Well, alright. But I hardly think now's a good time for ring-a-ring-ARGH THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF PAIN!"
"NO IT BUCKING ISN'T!" Berry Punch screamed, red-faced.
"Calm down you two!" Carrot Top bent down and whispered to Derpy, massaging her pulsing belly "There we are. Just one more push now. I can see a head...geez, I hope that is a head!" she winced, examining the sight.
"Is that a little horn?"


"I have to say, these town plays really are very realistic" Fancy Pants said to his newfound admirer, the audience outside only able to hear the various screams, still under the impression that this was nothing more than very good theatre. "I never knew this Derpy had such a topping talent for acting. And audience participation, what jolly good fun. You never get this sort of thing in those stuffy old city theatres. Ooh, don't look now but here's that old blighter, Tirek"
Bulk Biceps strode, once more, onto stage, his army behind him.
"We have found the hiding place of the border-crossers, grand Warlord Tirek!" Raindrops screeched in a hammy griffin impression "They cannot stand against the might of our hordes!"
"YEAH!" He bellowed, hurling another bright red fireball pom-pom at the barn door "THESE PATHETIC PONIES CANNOT ESCAPE ME! AND I SEE THAT THE WORTHLESS FOUNDERS OF THIS CESSPIT YOU CALL EQUESTRIA ARE GATHERED! NOW MY CONQUEST OF ALL PONYKIND WILL BE FINISHED AS SOON AS IT STARTED! ONWARD! TO BA-"
"Bwawk!" His battle-cry was cut off as the strangest dragon Equestria had ever seen bounded into view and took out the entire nonplussed army with a swish of its tail. Thankfully they were standing right in front of the Apple Farm's hay bales which they landed safely upon, avoiding any injury.
"WHAT THE?!" It was a mystery whether Bulk Biceps was as surprised as he seemed or just a very good actor. Derpy had already proven a knack for acting so why not him?
"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! WHO IS THAT?! WHAT IS THAT?!"
"That would be Crackle the Magic Dragon, friend of mine, we go way back" The mysterious stallion approached, straightened his scarf and stood before the Centaur Warlord feared across the world.
"Hello...I'm the Doctor...basically...run"
Tirek blinked, eyed the Doctor, eyed the dragon, eyed the Doctor again and fled the scene.
"I'LL BE BACK!" He yelled.
"Huh..." The Doctor said, raising one eyebrow "He kept his cool a lot better than the real thing...Don't you think so, love?"
"Bwawk!"
"Yeah, well, you know, I'd just come out the regenerator and all so I wasn't looking my best, then when those-OHGOSHDERPY!"
"Doctor!"
Instinctively, the Doctor rushed back inside the barn, slightly pushing Carrot Top aside to get a good luck at the birthing mare.
"You can do it, Derpy, you can do it! Do it for your foal! It's coming! Your foal's coming! One more push, Derpy, I know you can do it!"
"CAN I BE OF SERVICE?!" Those in the vicinity winced as Bulk Biceps appeared behind them.
"Appreciated but..." Colgate took in the sight of him "I'm not sure it's a great idea to have Tirek take care of Laurelore"
Bulk Biceps paused, glanced at the humungous horns he wore, removed them and smiled expectantly. Still painted crimson from head to hoof, he looked only slightly less intimidating.
Carrot Top sighed.
"Okay, but keep it quiet, there's enough screaming around here as it is. You can help wake Written Script up" Carrot Top instructed as her friends continued their bombardment of encouragement, desperate to see this night through.
Bulk Biceps meanwhile was set to apply the resuscitation technique. Fortunately the script-writer had opened his eyes and fought him off while he still had his ribs intact.
"Okay, okay, okay..." Derpy voice became a pained whisper "I can do it, I can do it, I can do it..." Her final scream, louder and longer than any she'd made thus far, was followed by another. But it wasn't the wail of a birthing mother.
It was the howling of a newborn foal.
"Oh...my...goodness" Carrot Top squeaked as she gently picked up a tiny little newborn filly, a small stub on its forehead with which unicorns were born.
"It's a filly, Derpy" she said, her voice wavering as she started crying tears of relief "It's a beautiful unicorn filly. It's a little small but it's voice sure works alright"
"C-can I see it?" Derpy's voice was little more than a sigh.
"Of course you can, Derpy, she's yours. She's your baby" The orange earth pony handed the screaming infant to the tired grey pegasus, who took in the sight, her lopsided eyes full of wonder and delight.
"I have a baby..." she whispered, her lips slowly rising to form the happiest smile her friends had ever seen on her "I'm a mummy..."


"Alright, where's the mess? I should have been called here hours ago!" Nurse Redheart pushed her way forward and applied some wet towels to Derpy's forehead, plus one to the groggy-looking Written Script getting up off the floor, and brought forth a full basin "Well done, Derpy. There might be some more pain for a while longer, but you have done very well. You and your foal are going to be just fine. Doctor, perhaps you'd like to give the little one her first bath"
"Me? Well alright" The Doctor picked up the foal, who was beginning to quiet down, and produced a rubber duck from his coat pocket "Always come prepared. Come on now little one, you beautiful little filly, yes, you are. No, this scarf is not old-fashioned"
"Is he speaking foal?" Cloud Kicker asked.
"Course I speak foal. And she says Derpy ought to have eaten more muffins. She wanted to be bigger"
There was some laughter from those beside him.
"What's her name?" Daisy asked.
Derpy thought, which had never been that easy for her, and listened to all present coo over her baby.
"Look at her. She's got her mother's mane" Colgate said, ruffling it slightly.
"And the little horn just here" Written Script chuckled lightly "She'll grow up to be a great unicorn, you'll see"
"I can't get over how small she is" Carrot Top chuckled "She's so dinky"
"Dinky..." Derpy said softly "That's her name...Dinky...Dinky Doo"
"That is a lovely name" Celestia stated, nodding sagely.
The newly-named foal, Dinky, burbled a little unintelligibly and finished with a giggle, in the midst of bathing.
The Doctor translated.
"Yes, she likes that name Dinky, although personally she prefers to be called Stormaggedon, Dark Lady of All"
"Now you're just being silly" Roseluck snapped.
"Always. What's the point of life if you can't be a little silly? That's a lesson Derpy taught me" She stood up and handed the foal to his dear muddle-headed pegasus friend "You're in good hooves, Dinky, no matter what anypony thinks"
Derpy lay there for what seemed like hours, gazing into Dinky's eyes which were just starting to open fully.
Two big golden-yellow eyes looking straight at her.
"She's...perfect" she murmured as all the fears and anxieties she'd had about allowing the foal to grow up the way she had, began to fade away "She's...normal"
"No, Derpy" the Doctor said, one hoof brushing against her neck "She's better than normal. She's special. Really special. Just like the Firsticorn...just like you"
As the two smiling pony's eyes met, the Mayor peeked outside. Instinctively, she removed her oversized wings and picked up the bright red pom-pom.
"Speaking of which, this might seem a little much, but Dinky might want to put these on"


The lanterns lit up around the barn as Mayor Mare, her mane messy and her glasses askew, smiled radiantly at the audience. No-one had noticed her missing wings or thought to point them out. Sonorous music was played on the cello by a graceful dark mare sitting just outside the barn.
"And there in a stable, two thousand years ago, all of Equestria bore witness to the miracle of the birth of Laurelore the Firsticorn, a very special...and very realistic...foal"
Dinky Doo wiggled her little hooves and burbled a short line of baby-talk. The audience erupted into applause. Nopony clapped louder than Princess Celestia and the Doctor as the ecstatic Derpy cradled her precious, perfect little foal in her arms, smiling like never before.
Celestia watched, struggling to stop herself crying with joy. It was so very ironic. She'd come down to Ponyville for a few moments away from her duties. Yet she had done her duty here, better than she ever remembered in Canterlot. She had regretted not being there for Derpy before. Now she had been here when she most needed it, offering little more than care and encouragement yet here presence been so significant to all those involved.
She had truly done her duty this night.
The Doctor looked out at the crowd.
It had been centuries since he'd regenerated as a pony...somehow...and fled his own home, travelling alone in a mysterious blue box.
He'd travelled across Equestria and many worlds like and unlike it.
He'd met every famous name that appeared in the history books and discovered things those books had never put down.
He'd faced creatures others didn't know existed and beings who were feared by all who knew their names.
But this was new.
Helping a pony give birth. Giving her the joy of being a parent.
And knowing that same joy.
It felt right.
This felt like where he needed to be.
> Epilogue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several days had passed since the birth of Dinky Doo.
Derpy was spending a night or two in hospital, recuperating and making sure everything was alright with her foal and herself.
The Doctor meanwhile, had largely vanished.
But Princess Celestia knew where she'd find him.
Right where he'd come from last time. And where he'd left.
The blue box that shouldn't be there.
She opened the half-open door and found him, lazily examining one of his flameless fireworks.
"Never could get them to work" he said solemnly.
Even after a thousand years ruling Equestria and meeting the Doctor on several occasions, the sight of the 'Timey-Wimey-Box's' interior never ceased to amaze her.
She walked down the staircase to face him.
"You came back" she said at last.
The Doctor smiled, his face still solemn.
"You waited"
"Alicorn, remember?" Celestia's face also grew solemn "We understand each other's burdens...we always did"
The Doctor sighed, returned his firework to its container and gazed around his contraption.
"Laurelore loved it here. She loved the feeling of helping others. Travelling to worlds unseen and unreachable even to her and making things right. But I couldn't keep her for long. Her ponies needed her" she turned to her "And so did yours"
"I realise that..." Princess Celestia looked back on that day with remorse "I was not in my right mind"
"No Tia, you had a right to be angry with me. You had a right to feel betrayed...and you wanted to do good. You wanted to make things right. I know the feeling. Even now I succumb to it here and there. But you understand...why I couldn't let you-"
"Yes" she did not want him to continue "I understand. The laws of space and time are not for me to warp to my whim...it's just..." Tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. The Doctor obligingly produced a scarlet handkerchief and dabbed gently at her face.
"You'll see your sister again, Tia. I promise. And she will forgive you"
"Doctor..." Celestia struggled to find the right words. After several attempts, she settled for something that she knew would work.
"I missed you"


The Princess of the Sun and the Stallion Who Stops The Monsters shared an ages-delayed hug.
"You knew this wasn't the end, didn't you" The Doctor asked.
"You always hated endings" The Princess replied and looked into his eyes "But why now?"
The Doctor reluctantly pulled himself away from the hug and looked at his life's work.
"I let you down that time, Tia" he said "So I tried to make things right for myself. I tried to see if you were right so...I tried to stop it"
"The war" Celestia's eyes widened.
"I failed...again. Everyone lost...again...and I kept on running...again. There was a time I grew too proud. It was soon after I faced down Tirek and witnessed Laurelore's birth. I watched her grow up and realise what sort of pony I was becoming. A silly colt playing god in a blue box, looking down on these small, mortal, insignificant ponies. She couldn't stand me. And part of me wonders if that was what I wanted. Before her, Rememberly trusted me...but then I went off to war. And when I came back, the Valley was in ashes...the First Age of Magic at an end...Old Equestria  gone forever"
He took a deep breath and ruffled his mane in frustration.
"Everywhere I go, ponies trust me and I always let them down, whether it takes minutes or years. And then they're dying" He suddenly 	screamed "I AM SO SICK OF EVERYONE DYING!" He lowered his head and sank against the wall "After I realised that my mistakes wouldn't be fixed anytime soon...I accepted that was my curse...the price I paid for a life that never ends and a world that never stops turning. As usual, I played my part. The stallion who regrets and then forgets. Went back here, incognito, searching for somewhere I could forget. Found a suitable spot in Fillydelphia. The drinks and doughnuts came hard and strong. But this time...this time there was no forgetting" He shook his head, amazed at his own actions "I'd hurt somepony that day. And I'd decided then...that I'd had enough"
"Doctor, I don't..." Celestia was quiet. Then realisation spread through her like a draught as she stared at her distant companion.
"Dinky!" she gasped "She's...she's..."
"Yep" He stood in front of her, eyes down "New low for me. I'm sorry, Tia. I let you down...again"
"But Doctor...you...and me..." She looked heartbroken. The Doctor had seen that look before in her face and many others he cared about and it never got easier.
"I know. I'd say I didn't mean it to happen but...that's never been a good excuse for anything else I've done. If you want to hit me, go ahead. I've done a lot to deserve it"


Celestia felt tempted. Centuries ago the Doctor had always been there for her. From her fondest memories to her deepest regrets, he'd helped her however he could. Then he'd left. The day after Heart's Warming Eve, neither of them were quite sure what caused it, Celestia had broken down and attempted to hijack the Doctor's box. She intended to undo her greatest mistakes, one by one, and make things better. But the Doctor had found her. He was disappointed in her. That was the worst part, disappointing him. Nothing made her feel worse. He'd taken back the box, sent away the Luna that could have been, and set things back to normal. Celestia had proven herself unworthy of his trust and the powers he commanded.
At least that was how it felt.
The Doctor would've wiped her memory but he couldn't bring himself to do so in the end.
They had ended their relationship with a silent farewell and the fading hum of the blue box.
Now he was back.
But not for her.
"I was so lonely..." she murmured, her voice cracked fighting back the sobs "...without you...don't you realise that?"
"Always. But I meant what I said that day. You will see her again. And beside her will be ponies who did what I never could; stay by you and make things better" He was crying now. He didn't show it, he was always very calm, but the tears were there "You are fantastic, Tia. You are absolutely fantastic. And there are a lot of ponies out there who think the same way. You were more than I deserved and I couldn't have kept you safe forever. I never forgave myself for hurting you that day and I might not forgive myself for hurting you now but if you need ponies to make you feel better, you're in the right place" He shrugged coltishly as was his manner "So are you going to hit me or what?"
"I haven't decided yet" Her manner was severe "Doctor, I must ask and you must answer, truthfully"
"Alright"
"What are you going to do now?"
The Doctor seemed happy she'd asked that.
"You know, Tia" he said "All my life I've tried to be the best...well now, I think the best thing to do now is...to be me. I got Derpy pregnant. Derpy's not a goddess, a warrior or a fabled bringer of destiny, she's just a nice pony that's been very good to me. What Derpy needs right now is somepony to stay close to her, be there when she needs it and help her with raising her foal. And you know what? She's going to get it"
He spun round, coat and scarf flying round his body.
"I'm going to stay"
Celestia stared at the lonely time-traveller, completely stunned.
"Doctor?" she whispered.
"You heard me. She's fantastic. She's a true friend, a good pony who wants to help...and the mother of my foal. That's a war worth fighting and I'm not running away this time. I'm staying here, where life is worth living, where I can watch the world turn and still feel like I'm part of it..." he paused "Where magic makes it all complete"
"Doctor..." Celestia raised one hoof to her mouth.
"I'll still go out from time to time, can't keep a boat away from the sea, but here's where I'll return. Always" he tapped the side of his time machine fondly "The old girl's always been my home away from home" he gave the floor a meaningful tap with his hoof "But here, Ponyville, this'll be my home when not away from home. And the home of my wife and daughter. And whatever it means, watching myself die, watching others die, stopping others die, I'll do it. I'm ready for it. No more running, no more 'surviving'. I want to live. I choose to live" He stood proudly in front of Celestia "I choose to stay...now please hit me, I need it, the way I'm faffing about with..."


Celestia's hug nearly took him off his hooves. The Princess wept on his shoulder but there was such joy, relief and admiration in her face that he hadn't seen and she hadn't felt in millennia.
"Well..." he muttered "That works too, I suppose"
"Oh Doctor..." Celestia sighed "Just when I thought you couldn't surprise me enough"
"You never learn do you. I never fail to surprise"
They laughed. They had missed this. Two undying travellers braving the worst together.
Then Celestia grew serious.
"When will you tell her, Doctor? She needs to know"
"She will. I need the right time. It's not ideal just up and saying 'How am I doing on the Foal Support, love?' but if I know her she'll find out on her own"
"I believe she and others have thought, at certain times, that you are the foal's father. Part of her hopes you are. She has nothing but love and respect for you, Doctor, and you'd be wonderful together" Celestia smiled "But you mustn't let her suffer through this alone. Her mind's hazy and unpredictable at the best of times and she's already been through so much. She needs your help"
"She'll get it, Tia. Every bit of it and more. I promise"
They both sighed.
"Well, I'd better see if Derpy needs a ride home. I might need someone to move the box next door to her place. If I'm very lucky, she'll have space indoors for me. And Dinky's going to need a translator for her first few years, poor filly"
Both ponies prepared to leave the blue box to assume their duties.
Celestia turned to him.
"You're a good pony, Doctor" the Princess said with pride.
The Doctor shrugged.
"I learn from the best"


*


Mayor Mare was really quite satisfied with how things had turned out. And she saw nothing wrong with a small celebration.
She had invited several friends, Cup Cake, Ms. Harshwhinny and Nurse Redheart round to her residence for tea.
Cup Cake and Redheart had been as eager to recover from the stress of the Town Play as much as she had and Ms. Harshwhinny, who'd been in the audience, was quite interested to know what exactly had transpired that was making everypony so excited.
They'd regaled the details with quite some amount of wonder as they sat at the table sharing tea, cake and gossip.
"This is really, utterly, completely, wholeheartedly, unbelievably, extraordinarily the most amazing thing I have ever heard!" Ms Harshwhinny trilled.
"Calm down, Chalice" Mayor Mare mused "Still, who would've thought it? Derpy Doo, the muddle-headed young mailmare, caring for a foal! That's a Rejuvenation Festival I'll never forget"
"Well, I'm sure she'll do fine as a mother" Cup Cake said calmly "It's not like handling heavy goods. I've never seen her so happy and calm in all her life. She's up to this. We'd know if she wasn't"
Nurse Redheart spoke.
"I have to say, I've known Derpy for a while, I've treated her for every time she's come under stress or mental mayhem of any sort but I saw her holding her little filly and resting it in her hooves with more care than anything else I've seen from her. I reckon she'll do okay"
"She does have Doctor Whooves taking care of the pair of them if anything turns awry and he's reliable at least" Mayor Mare smiled at her little entourage "Yes, my dears, I think the worst is behind us. It was all a rather hectic night for all involved but I am confident that months from now, we'll look upon those memories with great fondness"
"Hear, hear!" They charged their teacups and drank.


There was a knock at the door, brusque and severe.
"Well, I wonder who that could be at this hour?" Mayor Mare asked, getting to her hooves "Don't mind me, girls, I'll be back in a jiffy"
Walking to the hallway, wiping profiterole cream from the side of her mouth, she opened the door.
"Town Mayor Merry Weather, I presume?"
The mare found herself looking at a gaunt icy-blue unicorn mare, richly dressed in dark burgundy satin with her mane dressed up into a tight grey bun. A carriage had been parked outside her residence. It was clear that this pony was not from here. No-one in Ponyville showed such extravagance or had the money to do so.
"Um...yes, that would be me. An odd name, I know. My parents were pegasi, you see. Folk around town just call me Mayor Mare and my friends call me Merry"
"I am not your friend, Ms Weather, nor am I from around town" The mare was caustic. Mayor Mare could tell from a glance that she didn't like coming here.
"Uh...it's Mrs" she pointed out.
"I beg your pardon?" The rich mare rose one thin eyebrow derisively.
"You addressed me as Ms. It's Mrs. I'm married to Lady Justice, Ponyville's Court Judge, and I have three foals currently studying at..."
"Do be quiet, Mrs Weather, I am not here to talk about your family, I am here to talk about mine"
Ponyville's mayor was taken aback by her visitor's rudeness.
"Well then..." she struggled to find appropriate words "I don't believe I've met your family"
"You wouldn't. We do not come to this backwater suburb except in cases of great importance, such as this one" She stepped inside and walked briskly to the cozy living room Mayor Mare kept without a by-your-leave. Once inside, she sniffed in distaste.
"You have a very small lounge, Mrs Weather" she said in a deadpan fashion.
"I'm...sorry to hear that" Mayor Mare looked around. In the kitchen, she could hear her friends whispering to one another, clearly listening in on the conversation "Would you like to sit down and have some tea and cake with us?"
"Certainly not" The visitor raised her head arrogantly "You clearly do not know who I am to address me in such a slapdash manner. I am Countess Magnifying Glass of Invitro Hall, a household ranked among the highest echelons of Canterlot"
"Well, that all sounds very exciti-"
"Do not stray from the matter at hoof, Mrs Weather. You know why I am here" It occurred to Mayor Mare that the Countess was brandishing a black leather crop. So either this mare was an avid enthusiast in something she didn't wish to think about too hard or was intent on seriously hurting somepony.


"Well?" she asked, glaring at Mayor Mare with those ice-cold eyes of hers.
"Well what?" The beige politician asked, causing the countess to glare at her "I'm awfully sorry but if you're not here to sit down and have a bite to eat I cannot see how I can help you"
"Mrs Weather, you ought to know that I am not to be trifled with" her voice was as chilly and devoid of tenderness as the rest of her "However insincere you choose to be, you shall not find me so" She took a step forward, trying to size up the mare before her "A report of an alarming nature reached me not two days ago"
"I see...would you like to tell me about it?"
"I most certainly would, Mrs Weather. That is, after all, why I am here. I had heard that a member of my family had been involved in a nation-wide scandal, hideously tarnishing the name of Glass, perhaps permanently. I had heard that the scandal had taken place here in this...Ponyville" she positively spat the word "and that the denizens of the town were behind her all the while. Ideally, I would wish to hear that this is nothing more than an abrasive falsehood. If, however, it is quite true, Princess forbid, then I shall have the damage it causes upon the noble Glass family minimalised as far as necessity demands and its perpetrators dealt with severely to prevent such impudence for future generations. Do I make myself clear?"
"...not in the slightest" Mayor Mare felt the need to be quite forthright to this prickly, pompous newcomer. Nobless or not, nopony came into her home and started ordering the Mayor of Ponyville about unless that pony was Celestia herself "I know of no such scandal"
"Do not be impertinent with me, Mrs Weather" Magnifying snapped "Your authority is in name only and removing it would be as easy for me as putting on a coat. I shall illuminate. The member of my family that caused such a scandal, currently residing here in Ponyville, is one Miss Irregular Kaleidoscopa Glass"
Mayor Mare tried her hardest to ignore the threat she'd been dealt, taking a moment to polish her glasses coyly.
"I've never heard of her"
The Countess seethed, rolling her lips around her jaw that resembled chewing on sticky toffee.
"As expected, she uses the name her father gave her. Her name, Mrs Weather, or at the least the name she goes by, is Derpy. Derpy Doo"


Back in the kitchen, their tea and cakes momentarily abandoned, Nurse Redheart, Miss Harshwhinny and Cup Cake, their ears still pressed against the trendy saloon door the Mayor had between the kitchen and the living-room, stared at each other with amazement, making a series of silent gestures indicating sheer unbelievability.
Mayor Mare was quiet for a few moments.
"Let me get this straight" she said at last "Has Derpy been leading a double life?"
The Countess rolled her eyes.
"No, of course not. She can hardly lead a single life. My niece simply has two forms of nomenclature from the families she's descended from"
"How does that work, exactly?"
The Countess's neck rose in a snobbish manner.
"The Glass family descends from the line of Cendrillon Wyndergarde, First Steward of the Eastern Unicorn Kingdom, existing and standing high among the royal hierarchy since before the First Age of Magic. Do you understand, Mrs Weather, that while you stand in my presence you stand among a pony as noble and illustrious as Princess Celestia herself, perhaps greater"
Mayor Mare took a deep intake of breath through her nostrils, once again trying hard to ignore this mare's outrageous words as the Countess continued.
"My father, Stained, was one of the richest stallions in Canterlot and birthed two daughters, myself and my younger sister...Looking Glass" her face darkened with distaste "A young noblemare has certain responsibilities which I wholeheartedly performed but my sister elected to ignore, unpunished by my increasingly-senile father. While I married Lord Nitpick, Sixth Earl of Speck and Canterlot Lord Magistrate, and gave him two daughters, my sister chose to cavort with mares and stallions of inferior birth, one such scoundrel among them a rambunctious pegasus by the name of Can Doo"
"The Wonderbolt?" Mayor Mare's eyes widened but her tone remained as sardonic as possible "Second only to Captain Wind Rider. Decorated by Princess Celestia for bravery in the field of Storm Rescue Operations and earned a permanent spot in the Wonderbolt Hall of Fame?"
"An upstart!" Magnifying Glass spat "An upstart who bewitched my fool of a sister and my ailing father into dragging the family reputation through the mud. And then, the ultimate injustice, their foal. A winged simpleton, wall-eyed and inept"
"So..." Mayor Mare was piecing things together "Looking's name for her was Irregular?"
"No, our name for her was Irregular. My sister was incapable of making her own decisions. She believed it would be 'cute' to base her name on what her husband's Wonderbolt friends had for her, 'Ditzy-Do'. The name 'Derpy' apparently means something similar but, owing to the crudeness of such a name in the family, the Glass household named her Irregular Kaleidoscopa, both named after...illegitimate kin of the offshoot families. A means to remind Looking, Can and father just what the child was, not that they cared"
She bristled at the memory. 
"The three of them laughing as their little oversight made a fool of us at every noble gathering she could possibly upset. Well..." She drew herself up again "I put a stop to that. Once I had our father safely committed, I had the two of them disowned from the Glass family. The father of course threw a volley of profanity at me, threatened to use every inch of his meagre reputation to fight the case but..." she took an apathetic sniff "...before he could, the two of them ended up lost in the great Terrorstorm of Cloudsdale some twelve years ago. Irregular, unfortunately, was still a problem. I resolved to be generous and gave her a home at Invitro Hall, pulling her weight as a scullery maid. As you can imagine she was hideously incompetent to the task but nonetheless, we allowed her that role"
"I see" Mayor Mare narrowly avoided seething.
"Yes. Unfortunately, like her mother before her, she was entirely ungrateful. At the age of fifteen she left the household, leaving nothing behind but a dreary sob-story and her maid's uniform. I was advised to cut all ties with her but, I hope you understand, the name of the Glass family means a great deal to me"
Her horn glowed carmine red and removed a crisp letter from her coat. She opened it up and waved it in front of Mayor Mare.
"A family commitment. I made sure she signed, took her enough tries anyway. While she lives apart from us, the Glass Household take eighty-percent of any salary she may earn and she is not to travel out of Equestria, seek employment in civil service, study at university, apply for bank loans or, very important, right here" she tapped a part of the letter with her crop "Marry or have foals...without the Glass family's expressed permission"
Mayor Mare looked the letter over. It was signed by Countess Magnifying Glass, Lord Magistrate Nitpick and, scrawled in Derpy's messy handwriting, Irregular Glass.
"What's your point?" she asked.
"The point, Mrs Weather," Countess Glass hissed "is that under my very nose, my niece has given birth. Is this not true?"
Mayor Mare felt herself worry. She now realised it wasn't herself who this noblemare put in most danger.
It was Derpy Doo. And perhaps her foal.
"It was no fault of her own, Countess" she insisted, causing Magnifying Glass to snort with derision.
"I find that very hard to believe. So who's this husband of hers?"
"Well..." Mayor Mare braced herself for a hurricane her way "She doesn't have one"


Countess Magnifying Glass stared, goggle-eyed at the Mayor of Ponyville.
"Do you mean to tell me..."
"Unfortunately, yes, Countess" Mayor Mare was measured in her tone "The hospital has not been able to trace the foal's father thus far"
The Countess's eyes pulsated in their sockets and her lips twitched and tugged violently.
"Are you ill, madam?" Mayor Mare asked with a small hint of concern.
"What is the foal?" Magnifying Glass's voice was hoarse and gurgling "Tell me...quickly"
"She's quite similar to Derpy in coat and mane but lacking the...eye affliction...and she is...a unicorn"
There was a small pause.
Then, with a cry that would have sounded more appropriate coming from a startled griffin, Countess Magnifying Glass furiously thwacked a cushion on Mayor Mare's armchair, which bounced slightly and sent a small puff of dust flying up, illuminated by the fireplace. She breathed in and out, heavily, teeth-bared like a wild beast.
"That IMBECILE!" She screeched "Does she not realise what she's done?!"
"Could you not do that please?"
"Does she not realise how severely this could cripple our family's standing?!" It was as if the Mayor was not even in the room "A pegasus, earth pony or even a zebra we could simply disclaim and remove subtly but this will point her relations back to us, the Glasses of Invitro Hall! As I long suspected, Irregular is as promiscuous as her mother and, dare I say it, twice as stupid! And you, Mrs Weather," she brandished her crop inches from Mayor Mare's nose "You allowed this unspeakable act of indignity to go through in your squalid and impertinent jurisdiction? Is this to be endured?! It shall not be!"
"Are you quite finished" Mayor Mare chose not to react to the crop in front of her.
"I am far from finished, Mrs Weather!" the Countess barked "It is my firm wish, nay demand, that you put a stop to this and deal with my niece to the full extent of the Glass family's legal sanction. Ensure she experiences the consequences of her unspeakable actions"
"So...what exactly are those consequences? Are you cutting off all ties with her?"
"Oh no" A faint smirk played at the Countess's tight lips "For an offense of this nature, proper chastisement will be needed. It is my wish, as explained in the commitment, that if she breaks these rules in an open and brazen manner showing total defiance of her family's wishes, then she shall be revisiting Glanders Gate Asylum"


Glanders Gate Asylum...
The morbid house of madness was spoken of only in whispers on the darkest of Nightmare Nights. Its actual location still obscure after many centuries, the asylum was among the first created in Equestria before the Second Age of Magic, not surprisingly after Rememberly the Bonnycorn had been exiled by the Council of High Hooves. Appropriately, it was a relic of a dark, disharmonious past. A filthy, violent prison staffed by ponies madder and more dangerous than any of their patients, 'psychological techniques' more at home in a torture cell, next to no standards of hygiene and something about a curse, the Alicorn princesses had petitioned multiple times over their reigns to have the place closed and demolished but, through the work of anonymous benefactors, the asylum stayed active after millennia. It wasn't a house where ponies came to be cured of madness but where they'd contract it permanently.
"Y...You..." Mayor Mare stammered, her calm demeanour broken momentarily "You can't be serious"
"I can assure you that I can, Mrs Weather. My father is merely eccentric, Canterlot Psychiatric Ward is the place for him. My niece, however, has demonstrated herself to be an anti-social drone, detrimental to her family and, quite possibly, society itself"
"But...don't you know what it could do to her?"
"I am completely aware. Why do you think I'm sending her there again in the first place"
Mayor Mare was aghast.
"A-a-again?!"
"Yes" The Countess paced around the room in recollection "In her tenth year, the servants discovered Irregular flying around like a cretin, flinging off her uniform and upsetting the scenery. She was blathering that she'd received a letter, obviously fabricated, that her parents were alive and that when they returned she would tell them of the quote 'horrible things we'd been doing to her'. Clearly in some delusional fever, my husband and I sent her off with all haste, clandestinely of course, to Glanders Gate for a period of three months" She smirked again "When she returned, that was the last we heard of any such outbursts again, I can tell you. This recent behaviour of hers can be interpreted as such. She was always a mentally deficient mare. Containment at Glanders Gate will do her good, I am sure. She shall stay there indefinitely and that shall be the last I shall hear of her nonsense"
Mayor Mare felt a sudden urge to curl up in a corner and throw-up but she held firm.
"And...what of Dinky?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Dinky...that's...the name of Derpy's foal"
Countess Magnifying Glass shook her head, sighing.
"Of course it is" she sneered "You'll get rid of the foal, Mrs Weather"
"Wh-what...what do you mean...get rid of the foal?"
"Oh for Celestia's sake, use your imagination!" the Countess snapped "Or I'll find somepony else who can. You know who I am, Mrs Weather. You know what I can do. Your only obligation is to ensure that the foal is disposed of and never mentioned again. Fail to do so and my husband shall see to it that your term as Mayor is ended and you are treated as an accomplice of my niece's actions, putting you in prison for a sustained length of time"
Mayor Mare blinked.
"On what charges?!" she exclaimed.
That sinister smirk tugged again at the Countess's lips.
"Whatever I may decide"


There was a deadly silence.
Behind the kitchen door, Ms Harshwhinny seethed like a boiling kettle, Nurse Redheart cupped her mouth with shock and dismay and Cup Cake slammed her hoof into the other meaningfully which resulted in the nurse holding her by the shoulder in a firm manner, reserved for hysteric patients.
Mayor Mare spoke at last, taking in the sight of the smug, self-interested Countess and knowing there wasn't a single pony in Equestria she currently despised more.
"Is this the only copy of the...family commitment?" she said, looking closely at the letter, inches from her face.
"It is, Mrs Weather" The Countess said "We had others but one day we caught Irregular throwing them at a passing guard as proof of our so-called 'cruel treatment' so we got rid of all but the original copy you see before you"
It was then that Mayor Mare knew she had the Countess right where she wanted her.
"Good"
The Mayor of Ponyville snatched the letter from out of the magical grasp of the startled Countess and threw it, in one swift motion, into the fireplace. It set alight almost immediately and the area which contained the signatures was burned black in seconds.
Mayor Mare turned, expressionless, to the Countess who stood watching the letter burn doing a wondrous impression of a trout in the throes of some seizure, gaping and gurgling in shock.
"You...you...you..."
"Whoops" Mayor Mare said in a sarcastic sing-song tone "How terribly, terribly, terribly clumsy of me"
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" The Countess's composure was extinguished as the Mayor of Ponyville stepped forebodingly toward her, her expression turning grim.
"What have I done?" she said "I've protected a pony very dear to all of us from the machinations of the monsters she's unfortunate enough to call family! And you, Countess Magnifying Glass will not harm a hair on her mane or her foal's! Not while I'm in charge!"
"You...you...how dare you!" she screeched after a series of splutters and stammers.
"NononononoNO, how dare YOU, Mrs Glass!" Both mares turned to see Cup Cake standing in the kitchen doorway, accompanied by Nurse Redheart and Miss Harshwhinny, all three of whom looked mad as heck and not about to take it anymore.
"How dare you!" Cup Cake barked, shaking with rage "How bucking dare you come in here, uninvited, and order us, no, scratch that, threaten us to make your own niece's life a living Tartarus, you heartless piece of curd!"
"Quite so, who do you think you are?!" Chalice Harshwhinny snapped, bristling "Have you any idea what Derpy's been through? If you didn't want her to have a foal, you should've looked out for her! You have nopony to blame but yourself and we're not letting you take it out on her or little Dinky! You are a prig, madam, a pander and a common bully! And I have a mind to turn you upside down and use you to scrape out the Sweet Apple Acres Sty!"
"Madam, you...you..." Countess Magnifying Glass's face turned puce as her rigid snarl threatened to tear itself wide open "The Princess will hear of this!"
"Go ahead"


All eyes turned to Mayor Mare who stood polishing her glasses nonchalantly.
"What?" The Countess asked at length, her mouth gaping.
"I said go ahead" The Mayor of Ponyville placed her glasses back atop her nose "Whatever she does to us will be a proverbial picnic compared to what she'll surely do to you"
"What are you drivelling about?" the Countess snapped.
"Oh didn't you know?" the beige mare smiled "Princess Celestia herself was there when your niece had her foal. She presided over the birthing, offering help wherever she could, and promised to protect the foal and her mother for all time. She blessed those two and I don't think she'll be particularly happy when she finds out what you put Derpy through in her younger years. As much as anything else you claimed you were more noble and illustrious than her and I don't think that'll earn you points with her, regardless of your complaint. You tell her about this, you'll wish you hadn't. What little actual power you have will be removed swiftly and forcibly and you'll likely end up in prison"
"Exactly" Nurse Redheart stepped forward, speaking frankly "It's been proven through thorough and competent examinations that Derpy Doo, though mentally handicapped, is not criminally insane as to warrant incarceration at Glanders Gate or any place like it. Sending her there secretly and against her will breaks a large number of fundamental laws of Equestria"
"I...I..." The Countess was speechless, losing no small amount of her ardour as the four angry mares surrounded her.
"Or perhaps, if you have some small amount of sense, you think you'll be able to get your way on your own" The Mayor stared the Countess dead in the eyes, her voice steadily becoming more and more threatening "But listen to this. If you think you only have to worry about the Princess, you're sorely mistaken. Derpy Doo means a great deal to everypony in this town. She can be a trial, sometimes outright hazardous, but she is still one of the nicest ponies we know and we cannot imagine life without all her little quirks and if we heard that somepony had been hurting her...we would not allow that....ever. So if we find out you're up to something, anything, that would make your niece unhappy...we will come after you and You! Will! Be! Dealt! With! Ponyville Style!"
The Countess deflated like a party balloon which reminded Mrs Cake of when little Pinkie spent the entire day blowing up and letting out balloons, imitating the hilarious noises.
"Mrs Weather..."
"You will address her as Mayor, if you please" Nurse Redheart interjected.
The noblemare gave a pause, closed her eyes, shuddered and continued.
"Mayor...I take my leave of you"
"Do!" Ms Harshwhinny squawked hysterically "Or I shall take you out and set to scraping! SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE I shall go!"


It was all too much for the Countess. Haggard-faced and quivering, she gingerly made her way to the door and let herself out.
It wasn't until they heard the carriage drive off that the four mares simultaneously engaged in a drawn-out sigh of relief.
"You showed her, Merry!" Cup Cake proclaimed "I knew there was a good reason the Princess put you in charge!"
"Well, I haven't much power in my position but, when such an occasion presents itself..." Mayor Mare shrugged "I act upon it"
"Indubitably, Merry dear!" Ms Harshwinny began hopping on her hooves in excitement "It was heroic, epic, valiant, corageou-"
"Yes, yes, thank you, Chally" Nurse Redheart held up one hoof to calm her friend, her brow furrowed in concern "I myself am a little worried. A court noblemare just freely admitted to foal abuse of heinous kinds. Are you sure we shouldn't just go to Celestia ourselves?"
"Well...it's tempting but..." Mayor Mare sighed "I have a bad feeling it would seriously hurt Derpy if we publicised her past in this way. I mean, she was never very open about her childhood and its rather clear now as to why that was. And if the Countess is prepared to use her influence to get even, we could bring disaster upon both Derpy and Dinky"
"You might be right there" Redheart said, nodding "Still, I think we put her off for a while and we have all we need on her to keep her away"
"Well...I don't know about you girls, but I think this calls for a celebration" Cup Cake hooted "Shall we bring out the cider?"
"Yes I..." Mayor Mare felt breathless "I think I might need some"


Throughout the evening, the mares got rather tipsy, swaying back and forth between depressed and angry at having found out what young Derpy had been put through and laughing and cheering that it was all over and that here, in Ponyville, she was protected.
Princess Celestia, meanwhile, rested alone in her chambers, dreaming of the memories of her time with the Doctor.
And the Doctor himself, a pony with far too many memories to simply dream about,  paid a visit to Ponyville Hospital, sitting by the bed where Derpy and her foal slept, undisturbed.
Just how adorable they looked reminded the Doctor why he had chosen to stay.
This decision would change his life.
And he was prepared to let it.
This was where he belonged now.
With friends and family.
This, he knew, was a life worth living.