Mortality
Twilight sighed.
It was a mournful sigh. It was the sigh of a pony that had much on their mind. Saying that would be an understatement though. Twilight had a lot on her mind, and then some. Lately, she had been thinking a lot. Her friends didn’t know about what she thought about, or how she felt. They were oblivious to all that was happening. Even Spike, who spent the most time with her and even lived under the same roof as her, had no clue what was going on.
It’s not like it was their fault though; she did a great job of hiding it from them. While with them, she maintained an upbeat and joyful attitude. She went along with everything they did, and they were none the wiser. It was when she was alone that she really started thinking, and it always darkened her mood. Naturally too, considering what she thought about. Your own mortality was something that weighed heavy on you.
It certainly wasn’t a common thing for ponies to think about. They were all more concerned with their day by day lives. Which was fine, of course-nopony should have to think about it. Such a thought of grim finality was nothing to dwell on. Ponies should focus on their daily lives. They should focus on things like their family, friends, and jobs. They shouldn’t be put in to a situation where they thought about their own end.
But that was the situation Twilight was in now. It was all because of that accident that she had. It was probably silly, considering how minor of an accident it was. It was just a simple spell backfiring on her. She had become distracted just as she had cast it though, and it had come back upon her.
********
Twilight shot across the library, slamming against a shelf of books and causing them to pile down upon her. She had been distracted by her excited pink friend barging in through the front door of her library. Something about a new cupcake recipe that Twilight absolutely had to try right this second.
Twilight was more concerned with the pain shooting throughout her entire body at the current moment though. She was working on getting the books off of her when her friend helped her out of said pile. Setting her friend down, Pinkie immediately broke down.
“Twilight, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know that you were doing something important. Oh no oh no oh no oh no! I’m so so so so so so so sorry!”
She could hardly keep her composure. She knew she had injured her friend. Twilight observed her friend’s mane deflate and lose some of its color as it did whenever Pinkie was put in an overly-stressful situation. She was trying all that she could to help Twilight.
“Pinkie, just get me to the hospital, please. I’ve been injured.”
Pinkie hoisted her friend up on to her back and ran out of the library. As they were on their way there, Twilight was only focused on two things. One being the emergency relayed in her friend’s voice as she yelled at the other ponies to get out of her way, and the other being that she didn’t leave Spike a note telling him what had happened. He would be very surprised when he came home from helping Rarity.
She chuckled. Notes should be the last thing on her mind right now, and yet that’s what she was focusing on instead of the pain she felt right now. She knew she had a concussion from hitting that bookshelf, but she was more concerned about the possibility of broken bones. It could even be worse than that.
But after Pinkie ran through the doors to the hospital, and the doctors had taken Twilight in for tests, she had been assured that a concussion was the worst of her injuries. Other than that, she had only suffered some minor cuts and bruises from her launch across the library. Twilight wouldn’t have dwelled on it any more after that. She would have heeded the doctor’s orders of bed rest and minimal use of magic and not thought about the incident at all. But it was a casual phrase said by the nurse that had bandaged one of her wounds that got Twilight to thinking.
“You’re very lucky, Miss Sparkle. Your injuries could have been much worse.”
********
Such a simple phrase had led to what Twilight dwelled on now. She didn’t blame the nurse for this though. It had been a simple comment that was supposed to make Twilight feel better. She was an over-thinker though. She was a pony that took a simple thing and thought about it a million different ways. She would dwell on something until she understood it. If she couldn’t understand it, she would dwell on it even more. She would run experiments and research it if she had to. No matter what, she would make herself understand.
But this was something that she wished she had never started thinking about. Mortality was such a frightening thing to think about. In retrospect, she shouldn’t have been scared. Death was a natural thing. It happened every day, all over Equestria. It was something that nobody wanted, but that was inevitable in life. She had also spent some time wondering what happened when a pony passed on. There were many different religions saying a bunch of different things, and it made Twilight’s head spin. So much was speculated on the subject, and yet nothing was proven.
Thinking about your own death-how fragile you are- was something else. This was you. This was your death, your fragility. It was one thing to know that death was a natural thing, but it was another to know that it would eventually happen to you. Twilight decided to go about this a different way though. She would seek the aid of her mentor. Surely, if anypony could help her get over this, it would be her.
Despite the time now entering the wee hours of the morning, Twilight pulled out a sheet of paper and started writing. She wouldn’t wake Spike up to send the letter right away, but she would have him do it first thing in the morning.
Dear Princess Celestia,
As you know, I was recently involved in a minor accident involving the backfiring of a spell. My friend, Pinkie Pie, was there to take me to the hospital, and I got out of it with minimal injuries. That is not why I am writing to you though. I am writing to you because of something that has been on my mind since my accident.
What has concerned me is the matter of mortality. Or more specifically, my own mortality. I realize that I should not be concerning myself with such a thought, but it is something that I cannot get out of my head. Frankly, I am scared by my thoughts. I have tried to push it out, but I can’t. I would like to know if you had any suggestions on what my next course of action should be.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
It was a short letter, but it served its purpose. Twilight was confident that the Princess would know what to do. With that, she decided to lie down. Hopefully she would get some sleep tonight.
********
Twilight woke a mere five hours later. Her sleep had been light and fitful. She had woken up from it many times during the night because of the worry that swam around in her head. Rolling out of her bed, she grabbed the scroll and went over to Spike to wake him up. Surprisingly, he had already gotten up and was currently downstairs.
“Spike, would you please come up here?” Twilight called down.
A short while later, Twilight could hear the soft patter of footsteps racing up the stairs. Stopping at the top of the stairs, Spike turned towards Twilight. “Morning Twilight!” the young dragon chirped.
“Spike, I need you to send this letter right away.” Twilight shoved the letter in to Spike’s arms with her magic.
He held the rolled up letter and gave Twilight an inquisitive look. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
Twilight, who had been pacing, suddenly stopped as the question was asked. “Nothing is wrong, I just need you to send that to the Princess right away.
Spike shrugged and did as he was told. A thin, green flame curled itself around the letter, turning it to ash and flying out of the window. Twilight expected the reply to her letter to be written with haste, considering the urgency of the words written on the page. She looked down at Spike and smiled. “Thanks Spike. I won’t be having breakfast this morning either. I have some work to do.”
“Cool. More for me then.” Spike ran back downstairs to finish up what would be two helpings of breakfast. Twilight really didn’t have anything to do, but the Princess’s reply would be here in short time, and she was anxiously awaiting what it would say. She decided to make herself look busy though, and aimlessly arranged books on her upstairs bookshelf until she received the reply.
As assumed, the reply came shortly after sending it. The loud belching the reverberated through the house alerted Twilight to it, and she ran downstairs to get it.
“Twilight, the Princess repli-AUGH!”
Spike was knocked over by the mare barreling down the stairs. Completely ignoring him, Twilight picked up the Princess’s scroll and started to read it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It is concerning to hear about your recent troubles. To have a pony think about such things is disconcerting in itself, but to be so shaken by it is another thing. My advice would be to talk to your friends about what you are feeling. I know it must weigh heavily on you, Twilight, which is why you need to talk to somepony about it. This is not something that you should be facing alone.
You have friends that are willing to listen to your troubles, and I am always here if you need me. I will immediately make myself available if you need to talk to me. All you need to do is tell me. But for now, I would suggest immediately talking to your friends. I think you may find it therapeutic. Please keep me updated on the matter.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Talk to her friends? She had considered that once before, but she didn’t want to burden them with such grim thoughts. This was something that she should do alone. The princess had a point though: What if talking to her friends was really something that needed to be done? Maybe she would find it therapeutic. Talking to them might lift some of the burden off of her that she felt.
Shifting her gaze over the paper, Twilight was met with the stern glare of the dragon she had knocked over coming down the stairs. “Usually I would be angry about being knocked down like that, but I know that look, Twilight. There’s something you’re not telling me, and it’s not good.”
Twilight let up on her magic holding the letter and watched it flutter to the floor. She took a deep breath and said, “Spike, there’s something I need to tell you.”
********
Twilight had told him everything that he knew and didn’t know. She talked about the accident, what she thought about on the way to the hospital, what happened at the hospital, what she was thinking about when she was alone, how she felt about it all, everything. For his age, Spike listened well, and listened quietly. He was good for that, Twilight had found out. She knew he would listen to every last thing she told him.
The explanation had taken nearly an hour. Twilight’s mouth was dry, and she was nervous. How would he react? What would he tell her? It wasn’t often that she opened up like that. For a while, all that could be heard was the faint ticking of a clock as Spike brooded over what he had been told. Twilight’s anxiety rose bit by bit the longer she waited for her assistant to react.
Finally, he spoke up. “I wish you would have told me sooner, Twilight. I would have been able to help you.”
Twilight let out a breath that she didn’t even know she was holding. She was relieved to hear that Spike didn’t think badly of her. “I know Spike, but-"
“But nothing, Twilight. I’m your friend, and you should be able to trust me. When something scares you like that, I want to know. Certainly when it’s something such as that as well. You shouldn’t even be thinking about something as scary as that. You need to open up, Twilight, and I need to know that you’re willing to do that with me.”
Those words hit something in Twilight, and she found herself suddenly crying. Quiet tears rolled down her cheeks, and she replied, “I’m sorry, Spike.”
She felt the dragon’s arms wrap around her. “It’s okay, Twilight,” he said. “I don’t know how thinking about these things feels, but I know that you can’t go about dealing with them alone. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you. You also have other friends who will be there for you, no matter what. Speaking of which, maybe you should tell them what you’ve told me.”
Breaking the hug, Twilight smiled. “You’re right. But right now, I need to sleep. I feel…drained.” She turned to go up the stairs. As she reached the top, she looked back down at her friend. “Thanks again, Spike.”
“Don’t mention it.” He smiled up at Twilight.
As Twilight went to lie down, she could only think of how there was a lesson in all of this. A lesson to be learned in being able to trust and confide in your friends. She would have to write to the Princess later. But for now, she had to sleep.
She drifted off, nothing weighing on her mind.