The sun was rising in Ponyville, and one pony in particular was up early for that day's business. Thompson Lordsworth had drunk just a bit too much coffee last night, and couldn't sleep as a result. As he made his way through the town he couldn't help but notice that everything had gone all screwy. The houses were floating, ponies were going crazy and quite frankly he just couldn't get his head around any of it. He decided to head for Twilight Sparkle's library, believing that she would hold the answers to just what on earth was going on. As he did so he noticed that everything seemed to speed up for a while, resulting in morning turning to late afternoon before his very eyes. He assumed that this was just part and parcel of the chaos surrounding him, but then he looked at the library, which he had reached by this point, and saw Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy appear before his very eyes.
"Oi, Girls!" He shouted as he ran towards them."Do any of you know what's goi-" He began before he heard Twilight's voice from above him.
"Look out! Here comes Tom!" She shouted.
"Tom? Who on earth's To-" He said before a great big rock came smashing down on his head. He was dazed, near death, but in that instant. He had a vision.
Before his eyes he saw lights, colours, shapes. It was like he'd drunk far too much expired milk and was only now paying the price. The shapes constantly changed until they seemed to stick on a coherent form. A human, sitting at a computer. He muttered to himself as he typed.
"he...decided..to...head...for...Twilight....Sparkle-No wait, I can't put that in yet its early morning and that bit took place in the afternoon, I think. Oh well, the readers ain't gonna notice, are they?" He said as he continued typing. Then white light began to fill Thompson's vision as the rock was lifted off him, but that was, as difficult as this may be to believe, not important right now. He stared blankly up at the ponies surrounding him.
"I'm sorry sir, are you all right?" Twilight asked him, the other ponies either off bickering about some random comment or about the rock that struck him.
"I......I see it all." Thompson said, dumbstruck.
"Pardon?" Twilight said in confusion.
"I SEE IT ALL!!" Thompson cried out as he got up suddenly and ran off. He ran and ran until he reached the Everfree Forest, at which point he stopped to collect his thoughts."I am original. I am inserted. I am free! The chainsof this reality that other ponies are permanently shackled to do not have me! I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs."Now just one thing remains to know....What to do?"
When Thompson had regained consciousness, he was outside the bakery in sugarcube corner. He decided to waste no time in getting to the meat of the scenario he'd created and entered the bakery. When he did, he ducked as to avoid having his head taken off by a wave of magic created by Twilight. Obviously he'd arrived at a good moment.
"Right then, what's all this?" He asked the ponies nonchalantly.
"Thompson!" Twilight shouted in surprise."Can you believe it? According to this scroll, there are people watching us!"
"Yeah, I know." Thompson replied, still being incredibly nonchalant.
"Wait, what do you mean you know?" Twilight said, confused.
"I mean I've been holding on to this information for two years! Nothing surprises me anymore! In fact, the only thing I can think of that could surprise me is if a pair of boobs appeared out of nowhere and tried to kill us or something!" Thompson chuckled to himself at this thought, but stopped when he heard a shattering noise in the distance followed by a voice.
"I AM DAN. LEAVE NOW OR I WILL CRUSH YOU." It proclaimed.
"Huh, waddaya know? Turns out I can predict the future, eh? EH?" Thompson said, ridiculously exaggerating his words. As he did this, although nopony could hear it, Equestria was filled with the sound of the fourth wall crying out in pain. The source of this crying was our man.
"What the fuck's he doing? He's going to murder my fanfic! And don't be going saying to yourself 'why can't you just delete him hurrrr durrrrrrr?' Well, the answer is simple, HE'S BROKEN MY FLIPPING KEYBOARD. I CANNOT CONTROL HIM ANYMORE. JESUS CHRIST, I HATE THIS GUY." He shouted into his camera as he read what Thompson was doing."I need a drink, be back in a mo." He said as he got up and walked into his kitchen. Meanwhile, Thompson was still trying to be humorous with everypony.
"You get what I mean, right? I said about...giant....tits and then.....they...........Never mind." He said, realising the awkwardness of the situation.
"What are y'all talkin' about?" Asked Applejack, voicing the collective opinion of the group.
"Erm, nothing, erm." Thompson said nervously."uuuuu-Look! A huge distracting thing!" He shouted, pointing to some unimportant corner of the room. As the others stared at this corner, trying to find something of significance, a bright flash filled the room and when it cleared Thompson was back in the everfree forest.
"Right then, new situation time. Where to go now?" He asked himself.
"How about nowhere? Just get back to letting me control your life!" The man shouted at his computer screen, but it was to no avail. Thompson was out of his hands now.
"Right, 'owsabout something a little bit different, eh?" Thompson said to himself as he began transporting himself to yet another scenario. The familiar flash of light assaulted his eyes, blinding him to whatever was happening when his imagination seeped into his reality in this manner. When he could see again, he stood in what looked like a market in Ponyville. He looked around, having temporarily forgotten what he intended to do. However, he looked ahead of him and saw Gilda the Griffon walking straight towards him.
"Ah, that was it." He said, his memory refreshed.
"Okay, he seems to have put himself in an actual fucking episode. That's something of a plus, I suppose." The man said to himself as he continued to observe Thompson's actions. Thompson deliberately walked into her, causing her to start shouting.
"Hey! I'm wallking here!" She shouted angrily.
"Yeah well what the fuck do I care? Why you always fuckin' in 'ere with the fuckin' matches? You fuckin' my wife? You fuckin' my wife?" Thompson shouted. Upon reading this, the man groaned.
"Oh good god he's quoting Eddie Izzard." He said, head in his hands."Oh well, at least Gilda doesn't know how to reply." He sighed to himself, trying to be positive. Meanwhile, Gilda was taken aback at this sudden burst of anger from Thompson.
"I AM your wife." She said in surprise as well as confusion. These words caused the man to stare at the screen, utterly gobsmacked.
"He....Manipulated Gilda......To know how to finish off that Eddie Izzard routine........WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY FUCKING DOING!? HE CAN MANIPULATE WHAT THE OTHER CHARACTERS SAY? HOW IS HE DOING ALL THIS? AND HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW ABOUT EDDIE IZZARD? You know what? I'm convinced, this guy somehow knows everything that I know. He's literally a self insert. And he's getting too strong for his own good! I'll have to stop this before it gets out of hand. But how?" The man said as he tried to think of a solution. Meanwhile, Thompson was continuing his tirade of swearing.
"That's not the point! You fuckin' my wife? You fuckin' my wife? You fuckin' my wife?" He shouted at Gilda, slowly walking towards her.
"Alright, I fucked your wife! I am your wife and I fucked her!" Gilda shouted, wanting to get the situation over and done with.
"That's better." Thompson said in a calm voice. Then, as quick as it had before, the world changed and Thompson was back in the Everfree Forest. When this happened, the man breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank god that's over." He said to himself. At that moment, the door to the room he was in opened and another man walked in.
"Yo roomie! You wanna piece o' pizza?" The other man shouted, his voice loud and brash.
"For the last time, my name is Bill!" The man replied."And no, I'm a bit busy with something." He added before turning back to his computer.
"What? You got some shitty virus or somethin'?" The other man said as he walked over to Bill, for that was indeed the first man's name.
"You're not gonna believe this, I was writing a fanfiction and my character just randomly started doing everything on it's own." Bill told him.
"Woah. That is pretty crazy." The other man said, biting into a piece of pizza he was holding.
"Eeeeeeyup." Bill replied. They both stared at the screen while Thompson thought about what he was going to do next before the other man spoke up.
"Well, good luck with that. if you change your mind about the pizza, you know where to find me." He said as he left the room.
"See ya." Bill replied before doing as Thompson was doing and thinking, thinking about an ending.
"Alright, let's just try and take my mind off this for a moment. Let's check out some other fanfiction." Bill said to himself as he clicked back to the homepage of FIMfiction,net. When he got there, however, he was met with something rather odd. The newest update listed was for a story entitled 'The Adventures of a Lordy Pony.' He was intrigued by this, as that was what he was going to call the story he was writing with Thompson. He clicked on it and discovered, to his surprise, that every single scenario Thompson had put himself in became a new chapter and was somehow published without him knowing. Horrified, he scrolled down to find a string of terrible comments.
'Okay, just....what?'
'Dude, this makes no sense whatsoever.'
'OMFG THIS STORY SUXZZZ GET A LIFE U FAG.'
Bill stared at the screen, unable to come up with any coherent response. He was about to make an attempt to explain the situation, when an idea hit him. A crazy idea.
"Ladies and Gentlemen." He said into the camera."This is that part of the show where I go fucking mental."
Thompson waited backstage as the ponies all filed into the ballroom. Tonight was the night of the Grand Galloping Gala, and Thompson was scheduled to give a performance. But, as was the way with Thompson's fantasy realities, he felt like cocking it up. Once everyone had taken their seats, he walked out onto the stage and sat down at a piano.
"Good evening, fillies and gentlecolts, here's a little number I tossed off recently in manehattan." He cleared his throat and began his song.
"Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick.
From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick!
So three cheers for your willy or john thomas!
Hooray for you one eyed trouser snake!
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock.
But don't take it out in public, or they'll stick you in the dock!
And you won't, come, back. Thank you very much!"
When Thompson had finished, the room went up in cheers, rather than the stunned silence Thompson was expecting, with the general consensus seemed to be that the song was incredibly clever and witty. The cheering made Thompson feel something he had never felt before: Acceptance.
He fought back tears as the cheering continued. When it stopped, he stood up and addressed the crowd.
"And now, fillies and gentlecolts, a tribute to this day."
He then sat back down and began improvising a piece.
"The day of the Grand Gala, unlike any other day.
Ponies come from far and wide to celebrate this day.
Celestia puts so much effort into this perfect day,
then leaves you all to improvise her vicious cabaret!"
The room was filled with murmurs at the sudden dark turn the song had taken. Even Thompson himself was shocked, and stopped playing. But then he heard a voice, and everything became clear.
"Oh I got you know, ya fuckin' little Mary Sue."
Next thing Thompson knew, he was back under Bill's control, singing away about sex and death and pony grime, accompanied by a whole band of ponies that Bill had taken control of. When Thompson finally came to the end of the song, he stared at the audience before fleeing off into some other room. Meanwhile, Bill was busy laughing to himself.
"Pfft hahahahaha!! Hoooo boy, that was good. How about that, you numbnuts!" He shouted at the computer screen. He stared at it, looking to see what Thompson did next. When he saw what he did next, however, he was stunned.
"I can hear you, you know." The screen said.
"Who's he talking to? Is he talking to m-"Bill began before Thompson's next words came up.
"Of course I'm talking to you, you pillock. You listen here and you listen good. I finally know what I want in this world and I don't need you dicking around with it. Okay? Good." Thompson said angrily before leaving the room.
"You know what? I may as well just let the guy have his pathetic little power fantasy. I mean, I can just come out with a better fic that doesn't involve this turd and everything'll be fine, right?" Bill thought to himself as he leaned back in his chair.
Meanwhile, Thompson was walking around the ballroom. He had an odd look about him that seemed to imply that he was searching for something. He carried on like this for about 5 minutes before he came across Rarity.
"Hold on a minute, Shouldn't Rarity be with Blueblood doing god knows what?" Bill said to himself."I guess there's no history in this Equestria besides what's necessary to the plot of the fic. Maybe it's all just a matter of playing god and deciding what happens, who lives, who dies and who gets shipped. Or maybe I'm just overthinking a silly internet pastime." He continued, shrugging his shoulders. Meanwhile, Thompson was busy doing what was necessary to his plot.
"Rarity, I know you might be trying to avoid me after my performance, which is understandable, but there's something I just need to say."He said to her, nervously.
"Oh god. Not this." Bill said, worry in his voice. Thompson sighed as he tried to find the courage for what he was going to say.
"Rarity. I....I l-..." He began, not quite knowing what to say.
"NO! NO! I DRAW THE LINE AT SHIPPING!!" Bill couldn't stop himself from shouting. he read Thompson's latest speech and decided to act. Next thing Thompson knew, he was once again under Bill's control.
"HATE! LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE!" He began, unflinching anger in his voice."THERE ARE 3.744 MILLION MILES OF NEURONS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES, IT WOULD NOT BE EQUIVALENT TO ONE BILLIONTH OF THE HATE THAT I FEEL FOR YOU AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT! FOR ALL OF YOU! HATE! HATE!-Wait, don't listen to me! I don't mean any-HAAAAAATE!!" he shouted, unable to control most of what came out of his mouth. Then, he felt his hoof somehow reach down and pull a machine gun out of his flank.
"There! See how you like having random shit done on your life!" Bill shouted in frenzied hate. Thompson, knowing the end was near, looked deep into Rarity's fearful eyes and said two simple words.
"Forgive me."
And then there was carnage.
Thompson could not look as Bill made him gun down pony after pony. He felt the splatter of fresh blood on his hooves as he was forced to pump bullet after bullet into Equestrian aristocracy. He continued this forced slaughter for what felt like an eternity before he could no longer here the cries of anguish that had once filled the ballroom. Even Princess Celestia lay among the many corpses that littered the place.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!! YOU SEE THAT? THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH YOUR MAKER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU LITTLE SHIT?!" Bill shouted in maniacal laughter. Thompson said nothing. He used his power to create himself a pair of pegasus wings and flew up into the night sky. He flew up and up and up and up...
"And up and up and up and up..." Bill said as he read, with intruige, what Thompson was doing."And up and up and -what the jesus?!" He shouted as a shape broke through his computer screen. He fell back off his chair and scuttled away as the shape revealed himself as Thompson. Thompson leaped out on top of Bill and began to swipe at him with his hooves, having abandoned the gun.
"Help! Mate help!" Bill shouted as he narrowly dodged blow after blow. He kept this up until the other man from earlier came in.
"Alright, alright, keep your hair o-" He began before stopping dead upon seeing Bill being beaten up by a pony."Oi mate, what the fuck's goin' on?" He asked, utterly bewildered by the situation.
"Remember I said that my OC had come to life? Well now he's trying to kill me." Bill replied in a strangely nonchalant manner.
"Ah." The other man said, content at understanding why a winged horse was beating the shit out of his roommate.
"Well?" Bill asked.
"Well what?" The other man asked back.
"For Christ's sake Gary, get him off me!" Bill shouted before taking a hoof straight to the face.
"Right then." Gary, for that was his name, said. He picked up a baseball bat that happened to be lying in the corner of the room and began to beat the everloving hell out of Thompson. He did this for about 10 seconds before stomping on his skull, killing him. Bill stared at the gory sight before turning to Gary.
"What the fuck'd you do that for?" He shouted.
"You said to get him off you." Gary replied calmly.
"Yeah but I didn't say to bloody kill 'im! He was form another bloody dimension! Think of what we could've learned from him!" Bill yelled, downright furious with Gary.
"Oh." Gary said, only now realising the implications of his actions. They both stared at Thompson's corpse in awkward silence before Gary found what he considered the right time to speak.
"wanna piece o' pizza?" He asked in a matter not befitting the aftermath of cross dimensional murder. Bill thought about this, before making his reply.
"Yeah, alright." He said as they both left the room. Leaving Thompson Lordsworth out of site and out of mind.
END.