Asshole; prick; dick; jerk; spiteful; rude; condescending; facetious; mischievous; acrimonious; ill-mannered; impolite; discourteous; unmannerly; vulgar; provocative; obscene; vile. The list goes on, like seriously, you should see this thing; it's like they took the whole damn dictionary and threw every single insult related word on here. Here, let me keep going: disrespectful; profane; blasphemous; impudent; cheeky; shameless; audacious; evil; immoral; seductive; indecent; unbecoming; inappropriate; out-of-line; wrong; perverted; pig; incongruous; sick; twisted; disturbed; oh wait, this ones my favorite, wicked. I'm sure you can already guess that these aren't the....'nicest' of words to use when describing someone, however, every one of these words has been applied or implied when mentioning me at one point or another in my life.
See, I'm not the nicest person you'll meet, but I try to stay true and keep things real with others, even if it means I get a little bit of hate for doing so. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not as bad as I've been made out to be. I mean, I can be caring or thoughtful or whatever the good words are, its just, I've always been a 'me person' as I call it. My last girlfriend was an abusive, obnoxious, lying, sack of shit; but if there was anything worthwhile that she taught me, its that I should always put myself before anyone else. Thanks Stephanie. I hope you rot in hell for the shit you put me through. Enough of that, that's irrelevant. So I guess I'll start from that day, the day that I died. Yep, I'm dead. Wow! How cliché!
I was, or am, I don't really know anymore; a twenty year old male, old enough to fuck yet still too young to drink, not like that ever stopped me. I wasn't the ugliest of people but I also wasn't George Clooney, then again, I'm not really your average Joe either; my numerous string of relationships in the past (if you could call them that) speaks for that. I'm a college student, I was hoping to receive a PhD in psychology, parapsychology, and forensic psychology; yeah, the asshole has his priorities straight. I was just going to study at my dorm the way I usually do before I got a text message from my best friend Jonathan.
'Hey fag, wanna come with me and Elliot tonight to have a few drinks or are you gonna be a pussy and stay dorm?' Yeah, that's right, even my friends are about as evil as I am. Seeing as I had been studying for awhile now I decided to take him up on his offer. I hit him back with a 'Fuck yeah!' and not even fifteen minutes later he shot me another text to come outside. He chose the perfect vehicle, a 2013 Dodge Challenger, and of course I was to sit in the back, I always sat in the back with Jonathan occasionally trying to shut the door on my foot. Jonathan is a nice guy, really, but most of the time he's just another dick like me. See, Jonathan's father walked out on him and his mother when he found out she was pregnant, shortly after giving birth Jonathan's mom died of a heart attack leaving him to be raised by an abusive aunt and uncle. Now he's 27 with absolutely no fucks to give for anything or anyone other than himself, he's an inspiration, I want to be just like him when I grow up.
Elliot though, he was always a problem child, by the age of 19 he had dropped out of high-school; had two kids each with a different spouse; and made a living as a 'professional' criminal. Now he's 24 and still makes a living doing any crime; grand theft; larceny; extortion; drug trafficking; human trafficking; arson; bankruptcy fraud; embezzlement;bribery; false claims of pensions; you name it, he's done it, everything except murder. What is Elliot's problem? His parents were both rich and he just acted out because of it, you know typical 'rich kid' stereotype. I really know how to choose my friends huh? Well, you heard their problems, what's mine? Nothing really, I'm just an asshole who's tired of playing 'Mr. Niceguy' all his life and getting kicked down for it, now I do the kicking.
“So, where we going?” I asked as I sat in the back of the car, uncomfortable might I add.
“Well seeing as your not old enough to get into any usual bars, there's only one other place we can go.” Elliot replied as he searched his phone for a song to play as we cruised through the calm night.
“You mean Hell On Earth? Fuck yeah!”
Hell On Earth was a bar not literally around the corner from my college, and it was the perfect place for demons like us, Jonathan was good with the owner so I always got in without any problems.
“The only catch is, you pay first round,” Jonathan laughed as he pulled into a handicap parking spot and killed the engine. “Look, they reserved you a spot Elliot.”
“Fuck you Jonathan,” Elliot laughed as he tried to punch Jonathan in the gut as he quickly got out of the car and shut the door. Elliot got out and flipped the seat forward for me as I exited. “Keep making jokes like that Johnny boy and you'll be leaving here tonight as a cripple.”
“If I ever became a cripple just fuckin shoot me.”
“Gladly,” I chimed in as I shut the door to the Challenger, in doing so I caused Jonathan's face to contort into an expression of discomfort.
“Easy fag, I don't need you hurting my baby.”
“Funny, I bet you that's not what your dad said when he asked the doctor to abort your ass,” I shot back with a smug grin. To most, the comment I just made would be seen as 'insensitive' or just plain wrong, but that's how me and my friends joked with each other; we were the scourge of the earth, and we loved every minute of it.
'Hell On Earth; sinners only.'
This was the sign that was posted on the front door of the bar, possibly my favorite feature of the bar altogether. Hell On Earth, or heaven as I called it, was where all the scum and rejects of society came to hang out; everyone was usually making dark or extremely vulgar jokes, usually jokes that 'normal' people wouldn't even dare to think let alone speak. It was perfect for people of our...social standing. The bar was rowdy as usual with what sounded like metal was playing over some speakers, it illuminated with its red hue as it always did as my friends and I entered literal hell on earth. The three of us made our way over to the bar and took a seat on some stools, we were soon greeted by my second favorite reason for coming to this bar: Alice.
Alice was a girl of stunning beauty, a flirtatious blonde who was never one to kiss and tell, though if you got her drunk enough I'm sure you'd receive a bit more than just a kiss. Alice recognized us and immediately lit up with a smile, more than likely because of me though. Me and Alice aren't a couple, just a few one night stands and this amazing party she threw me for my 20th birthday; just typical friends with benefits and my god what a friend she was.
“If it isn't my favorite glorious bastards,” Alice began in her southern accent as she pulled out three shot glasses and placed one each in front of us. “Hey, Alex, haven't seen you in awhile, been reading up on them college books?”
“Our little college boy is growing up so fast,” Elliot joked as he smacked me on the back of my head, he hit me pretty hard causing me to wince in pain.
“At least I can read dumbass, your ass struggles to read a damn restaurant menu.”
“Fuck you,” Elliot laughed.
“So, what will it be fellas?” Alice asked as she grabbed two large bottles from behind the bar, one Tequila and the other a bottle of Vodka. “Do you want to not wake up in the morning?” she raised the the Tequila bottle in her left hand. “Or, do you wanna have a good time?” When Alice asked this she gave me a subtle wink.
“Well, I don't know about these douchebags but,” I raised my glass and returned Alice's wink, “I think I wanna have an amazing night that I won't remember.” Alice raised an eyebrow at me, her smile widening.
“As you wish,” Alice pulled out a second glass and slid it over to me, she then filled one of my glasses up with Tequila and the other Vodka. “I don't know about remembering this night, but this will make you forget your whole week.”
“I'll have what he's havin!” Elliot exclaimed as he watched me slam down my two now empty glasses after inhaling the alcohol they once held
“What about you John?”
“Thanks Alice,” Jonathan said as he returned his glass to the bartender. “But I'll take a beer, I'm DD tonight.”
Jonathan always did try somewhat to be the responsible one of us three, but Elliot knew just as well as I did, after a few beers, Jonathan was always open to a little 'persuasion'; and could a few shots of mixed alcohol persuade.
Time flies by when your having fun, or when your doing body shots with a gorgeous, big breasted, southern bartender. I'm not sure how much time had past, but I do know that I was all kinds of fucked up after drinking. Of course I realized at the worst time that I had classes in the morning and informed my friends, Jonathan said we'd leave after just 2 more shots, but those 2 seemed to last forever. After what seemed like an eternity, I managed to pull my two drunken friends away from the bar and lead them to the exit.
“Bye Alice,” I called out as I pushed the my two idiot friends out the entrance of the bar. “You know I'd love to stay babe, but school and whatnot.”
“Go on and get your education Alex, hey, are any of ya'll capable of driving?”
“Yeah, I am,” I lied as I tried my best to stand up straight, keeping my balance seemed like the most difficult task I had ever come across. “Anyways I'm gonna head out.”
“You be careful sugar cube,” Alice called back as I stumbled toward the exit. “I'd hate to lose such a great friend and customer.”
As I exited the bar, I spotted two bumbling idiots entering the Challenger without any difficulties, I guess they had already given me the task if driving because Jonathan had kicked Elliot to the back and was sitting in the passenger seat with the keys in the ignition and the motor running I entered the driver seat and shut the door, upon doing so, a strong scent stung my nose as I rolled up the window on both the passenger door and the driver door. It was a scent I was familiar with, a scent I loved and had not smelt in awhile, the smell of marijuana.
“Is that why I'm driving?” I asked as I looked over at Elliot and Jonathan who were giggling to themselves, Jonathan with the cigarillo in his mouth as he took a hit. “Booze and weed? You sure its not my birthday?”
“Shut up and take a hit fucker,” Jonathan laughed as he passed me the thick cigar like stick. I put the cigarillo in my mouth and inhaled, a bliss of mint rested in my mouth as I felt the weed smoke fill my lungs; I exhaled with a grin and passed it back to Elliot. “I love those mint flavored rillos. Alright, lets go home.” I put the car in drive and pulled out from the bar parking spot and drove on to the main road. I stopped at a red light and waited patiently, when it turned green and I continued to drive, Elliot and Jonathan began to get annoying.
“Here Alex, your turn,” Jonathan said as he tried to pass me the rillo. “Take it bro, can't fuck up the rotation.”
“Yeah brooo,” Elliot slurred as he kicked the back of my seat, pissing me off in the process. “Can't fuck up the rotation.”
“Just give it to Elliot, I'm busy driving.” I can usually multitask, but being both drunk and high as well as me having a heavy foot did not make for a good combination when driving. I was struggling to keep from swerving as well as trying to keep my eyes open, weed would only make me tired. “Just.......keep it going without me.”
“Come on Alex, you know you can't fuck up the rotation man, its sacred.”
“Yeah man sacred,” Alex added in.
“Okay,” I said as I looked back at Elliot, my face becoming red with anger. “First off, your just repeating what Jonathan says, and second, stop kicking my god damn chair!”
“I'll stop kicking the chair if you hit it!” Elliot snapped back with an intoxicated laugh.
“Yeah come on, just hit it Alex.” What annoyed me was the fact that both of these idiots began chanting now for me to smoke.
“Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it,” I was trying to focus on the road and tell them to shut up at the same time. Their chanting began to increase in volume, causing me to get angrier and press on the gas harder. “Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!” I had just about enough with the two drunk fools, I snapped on them and exploded, now I'm wishing that I just hit the blunt.
“Jesus Christ will you both just shut the fuck u--" I never even finished my sentence, all I remember was the loud screeching of tires, a blaring truck horn, and the shattering of glass. I felt a strong pain in my head, then my neck, then I felt the pain ring throughout all of my body; everything was a blur, after which everything went black.
I awoke, at least, that's what I called it, in an endless plain of gray with white smoke emanating from the ground, there was not a soul in sight, and I was cold; but besides that, it was quiet. I could hear my own breathing , as I stood there in the gray, the cold began to intensify causing my teeth to chatter as I wrapped my arms around my body to keep myself warm. I felt the temperature drop rapidly, the quick change caused me to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.
“Jesus Christ!”
“Not even close.”
I whirled around when I heard a voice respond to my comment, it was calm yet powerful and had a sense of high class social standing; I’m not sure how to explain it, it was soothing almost mesmerizing. When I followed the voice to its source I was greeted by the presence of a handsome middle-aged man wearing a suit of red velvet with a black tie, his black hair was slicked back and he sported a cane of dark oak with a golden handle, the handle being this badass looking skull.
“I guess your doing well for yourself,” I said to the man through chattering, trying to speak louder than the noise I was making.
“Oh more than you know Alexander, and it’s all thanks to you.” I immediately was shocked upon the man mentioning my name, but rather than questioning him, he continued speaking. “You see Alex, I’ve been watching you for awhile now. You; your two friends; that beautiful girl at the bar; there are countless sinners in this world, but I take no better pleasure at watching them as I do with you.”
“Who—who the hell are you and how do you know my name?”
“Even if I told you it wouldn’t matter, you’re an atheist you wouldn’t believe in me anyway.”
“I’m agnostic, there’s a difference.”
“A difference which is so miniscule it practically be nonexistent.” The man walked slowly in my direction and began circling me, watching me. “How rude of me,” the man tapped his cane on the ground twice and I immediately felt warmth, it was then I realized I was wearing a large fur coat. “I forgot you were cold.” The man stopped in front of me and eyed my shocked expression, laughing softly as he did. “Your stunned I’m sure, but your no longer inside the realm of reality. Your currently on the other side of the living and I’m hear to claim my payment.”
“Wait, you mean—?”
“Yup, your dead kid.” The color drained from my face which caused the man to place a hand on my shoulder, his touch was hot almost scalding, I quickly took his hand off and stepped back. “Oh, you think that’s hot? You have no idea what your in for.” The man tapped his cane on the ground, three times this time around, I heard a loud cracking behind me, earth shattering almost. I turned around to see the ground had been split down the middle and below it was a pit of boiling lava along with spewing flames and anguished cries of pain and agony; I felt the warm touch return again as the man returned his hand to my shoulder. “Your one of my favorite sinners Alex, and I want you bad; I’d be willing to pay a million dollars for your soul with how bad I want it, and I get what I want. Welcome to Hell.” The man gave me a shove, I tried to keep my balance but failed miserably. Luckily my reflexes were good and I caught hold of the ledge before I plummeted into the flames.
“Are you fuckin crazy!? I don’t belong in Hell!”
“Au contraire my devious and sinful friend,” the man squatted and tapped me lightly on the head with the end of his cane. “You are one of, if not the biggest assholes and or wicked persons in the world; when you see human suffering, misfortunes or tragedies, your first response is to pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and crack open a beer. Being evil has a price Alex, and it’s about high time you paid.”
I felt something grab one of my dangling legs, something that burned my skin. I could feel my grip slipping, I eyed the man who stared back at me with a grin as he stood up, he brought his leg up and prepared to stomp on my hands. If he did that, then my grip would surely give way and I’d plummet to the deepest depths of Hell, thank God that didn’t happen.
“Lucifer!”
I heard a loud voice boom, it was feminine yet retained a tone of power and superiority which surprised me greatly; yeah, I also think feminism and woman’s rights are a joke, maybe now you see why I’m destined for Hell. Upon hearing the voice, the man who I identified as Lucifer or the devil now sighed with discontent.
“I was hoping you wouldn’t show,” he began as he turned his back to me, I assumed he was talking to someone though from my angle I couldn’t see who. “What do you want? I’m a bit busy here as I’m sure you can tell.”
“You know He decreed that this man’s soul be spared from your clutches, he is offered redemption.”
“And you think he’s going to repent? Really? Even if he did, Heaven’s a bit crowded don’t you think?”
“Let him up Lucifer, or need I do it myself?”
“Fine, fine,” Lucifer tapped his cane on the ground three times again and I felt myself rise from the crevice in the ground. I watched as it sealed itself shut and I fell on my stomach, I was floating pretty high so when I fell that shit hurt. “Loosen up Celeste, or do you prefer I call you by your other name?” It was then that I realized who Lucifer was talking to, as hard to believe as this sounds it was a large white horse with a sharp, long horn and angelic wings and a rainbow-ish flowing mane. I rubbed my eyes a few times as I slowly rose to my feet.
“I bid you farewell now Lucifer, your assistance is no longer required here.”
“Of course, but know this,” Lucifer turned to me and pointed his cane at my breast. “There lies no heart within his chest, you can give him a thousand do overs and the results will still be the same. You’ll be mine Alex, the sooner you accept that, the sooner I can show you a tour of your new home.” With a tap of his cane again, Lucifer burst into a pile of flames leaving behind nothing but a pile of ash.
“This can’t be happening,” I stammered in disbelief, “I know what happened, I got in a car accident and now I’m in a coma.”
“I’m afraid not,” the horse spoke, trying to calm my nerves with a soft smile. “I’m afraid you are dead and now await judgement. I am Celeste, the overseer of souls which have been given a chance at redemption.”
“So if that guy was the devil…then…are you God?”
“Oh heavens no,” Celeste laughed as she raised a hoof over her mouth, I don’t know why. “I am a seraph, and you have been chosen.”
‘Oh god, not the ‘chosen one’ cliché, don’t tell me I’m the only one who can save humanity or something from destruction because if so she can send me to Hell now.’
“You have not led the purists of lives and have sinned more times than even God can count,” Celeste raised a brow as she watched my face contort into a grin. “You have been given a second chance to atone for your sins, for if you do, you will be granted access into the kingdom of Heaven.”
“And if I don’t than I’ll be damned to Hell right?”
“You will atone for your sins.”
“Hold on, are you asking me or telling me?” I asked on the defensive, Angel or not this bitch was not about to tell me what to do.
“I only say this because I see good in your heart.”
“Aw that’s cute, you think there’s still a heart in this body,” I said hitting my chest lightly. “I hate to break it to you Sea biscuit, but my heart froze over and shattered years ago.”
“That is what you believe, but there is more to it than you think. You will be placed in purgatory, a new world where you will make peace with your inner demons and learn the importance of others.” I erupted in laughter when she mentioned the ‘importance of others’ thing, I just thought it was fuckin hilarious. “This is going to be more difficult than I thought, but I have faith in you. I will monitor your progress, but keep an eye out, Lucifer will try to tempt you. If you need guidance, I shall not be very far.”
My laughing stopped as I raised my hands to shield my eyes from a blinding light which was coming from Celeste’s horn. There was a low hum which began to rise, when it reached it’s crescendo, I felt my body go numb, and then everything turned white.
I can’t recall much after that but I heard something, a muffled noise, a voice, I couldn’t tell what it was saying but it was trying to get my attention. When I opened my eyes I raised a hand to cover my face from the sun’s rays, but when I looked at my hand I noticed it wasn’t a hand, it was a hoof. A god damn horse hoof.
“Are ya comin or what?”
I sat up from where I had laid spread out on the grass, an elderly looking small gray horse with a white beard and pipe in his mouth stared back at me. He sat atop a wagon of hay being drawn by two other light brown looking stallions, they were muscular and well built.
“Where to old-timer?” I asked as I stood up, I realized something then, I was walking on all fours like a dog, I had hooves instead of hands……I still get can’t over that. I stood for a moment shocked, but seeing as I already died moments before, met the devil face to face, almost fell into Hell, and had apparently met a talking horse, I just shrugged it off. Nothing really surprised me anymore.
“Did ya hear me youngin?” the old horse repeated, I guess he had been talking to me while I zoned out. He had a southern accent which added to his features. “I said we was headin to that there town over yonder.” The stallion pointed a wrinkled hoof at the town in the distance. “So are ya comin or what?”
“Meh, what the hell?” I shrugged as I jumped on to the back of the wagon and sat down in the hay, it wasn’t the most comfortable of seats. “Damn, got anything more painful?” I asked, sarcasm oozing over my words.
“Whaddya say?” he asked as he raised a hoof to his ear in an attempt to hear better, he leaned close to me and then I realized something: I like his straw hat. So I snatched it from him and rested it upon my head as I laid down in the hay, using it to shield my face from the sunlight. He shot me a glare when I did, but as long as he didn’t try to take the hat back I knew I wouldn’t have to fight him.
“Hey I’m gonna take a nap so wake me when we get to the town, okay?” I heard another ‘what’ from the horse as I felt the wagon jerk forward; I could tell he didn’t hear me. For some reason I found myself exhausted, guess a day of insanity could do that to you.
I’d say I was asleep for an hour or so, the town was at least a couple miles away and the speed we were going at wasn’t record breaking, I more than likely would’ve complained if I wasn’t asleep. I began to awaken from my slumber as I heard multiple voices and the clamoring of hooves against the ground, it sure sounded busy. I lifted up the straw hat from my face to catch a glimpse of the town, it was brightly colored with even brighter residents to match; everyone appeared to have a smile on their faces as they walked around the town; several fruit, food, and other vendors had stands set up, selling valuables of all kinds. I eyed some pretty delicious looking fruit stands which I knew I had to try.
“Well youngin, we’re here,” the elderly horse said as the wagon came to a stop.
“And where be here exactly?” I asked as I hopped out of the wagon and stretched my legs and gave my neck a relaxing crack.
“Ponyville I think, mah memory ain’t what it used to be,” the horse, or I guess pony now, scratched the top of his balding scalp as he genuinely struggled to recall the name of the town. Of course at this point I honestly didn’t give a shit and was more concerned with feeding my now growling stomach; but I stopped in my tracks as I heard the old pony call me back. “Hey there youngin!”
“Look if this is about the hat it’s mine now and I have no interest in—”
“No, no,” he began as he waved a hoof in the air. “I was just wondering if you could spare some Bits so’s me and my boys here can eat?”
“And why would I do that? Whether they eat doesn’t matter to me.”
“Well I just figured since I done gave you a lift is all, any amount of Bits will do.”
“And if I refuse?” I asked as I gave a bit of a chuckle with my question.
“Well there’s nothin I can really do, I mean it’s not like anyone but the princess enforces the law around here. Most ponies in this here town are usually quite friendly and it’s not often that anypony breaks the rules, it’s just common courtesy.”
“Whoa, rewind gramps,” I began as I approached the wagon once more to hear the gray pony better. “You mean to tell me that no laws are really enforced here and that only a princess who is probably too busy to worry about such things is the only figure of authority?”
“Yeah huh.”
“And if a really wicked or mean horse….err, pony were to break the law they would actually face little to no negative repercussions for their actions because laws are seen more as guidelines than actually rules?”
“Whaddya say? You’ll have to speak up, my hearing ain’t what it used to be?”
“Wicked and merciless Lucifer you’ve transported me to paradise!” I exclaimed as I stood on my hind legs and threw my front arms in the air in a fit of joy. “I don’t have to atone for my sins,” I began as I left the wagon and wondered further into the town. “I can just continue living in this pony purgatory and exploit it for my own personal gain!” I passed a nearby window and gave myself a glance, I was a beige light brown pony with black hair that grew out in every direction. I looked deep into my eyes which had undergone a color change and were now red, staring into them, I let an evil grin form on my face before continuing on my way. “Hehe, I’m going to burn this fucker to the ground.”
I walked around the town of Ponyville like I owned it, the biggest grin on my face now that the thought of getting away with so many crimes rolled around in my head. I don’t normally commit crimes casually, but my actions tended to get out of hand when I got excited; and after hearing that I had this new purgatory world as my playground, I was definitely excited. Holding my head up high like the world was mine, in a sense, it was. My growling stomach made me stop my walking and drop my smile, another growl made me search around the town for the nearest food stand. In doing so I spotted possibly the most delicious looking apples in my entire life, I quickly made my way to the stand and prepared to take an apple when something dawned on me; there was currently no one watching the stand.
‘Man, these ponies are just begging to be robbed.’ I thought as I reached to retrieve an apple, but before I did, I heard the sound of something that made my ears bleed.
“Hey there mister! Wanna buy some apples?!”
The voice had a southern accent and was cute, sweet, loving, and probably the most disgusting voice I’d ever heard. Sure, you may like it, but me? Let me just put it in terms that you’ll understand: I fuckin hate kids. Looking down I noticed a light tan yellowish (I don’t know) little pony with red colored hair. Her eyes were big and were the shade of orange-ish, yellow with red (once again, I don’t know. I only pay attention to a girl’s eyes whenever I’m either: A: Engaging them in coitus, or B: Never).
“Oh, I didn’t see you there. I didn’t think there were any baby ponies in this world.” I groaned after I spoke my comment, did I mention I hate kids?
“Hey! I ain’t no baby!” the little pony snapped at me, I was certain she was trying to bite me. “So, are you gonna—?” The small pony let out a gasp as I tossed an apple in the air and swallowed it whole, my eyes became wide at the sudden burst of flavor in my mouth. “Hey! You’re gonna pay for that apple you just ate!”
“Pay for something that tastes so bad, oh your funny,” I laughed at the pony’s anger pout that she gave me. “I gotta bounce squirt, maybe next time you’ll have something that doesn’t taste like a pile of shit that has been aged for seven years and then drowned in a sea of piss and then afterwards grounding said shit into a single object.”
“M—mister!” the pony stammered as she called out to me, I didn’t pay her any mind; she’s obviously WAAAAAY out of my age range anyway.
I continued down the town passing the vendors and glancing at several other shops and homes; had to admit, this Ponyville wasn’t a bad place to live. Passing by a window I took notice of my appearance once more and realized something: I no longer wanted this stupid hat. I discarded it and threw it at a passing couple of ponies, it hit this stallion, a unicorn at that, and was stuck on his horn. His female mare friend simply have me the stink eye, I replied with a smug grin and a wink. She rolled her eyes (as expected) and helped her friend remove the obstruction from his horn before they continued on their way.
I spotted something out of the corner of my eye, something I was glad to see amongst this sweet and innocent world; a bar. Drinks all around am I right? The only problem I had now was I wasn’t sure if they’d try to ID me or not. I eventually decided on ‘Fuck it, a pony isn’t gonna stop me from having a drink anyway’.
The bar was a quaint little place, dark oak wood floors, finely carved patterns on both the walls and tables, as well as the bar top having a nice carve to it. The dim lighting reminded me a bit of a night time tavern, sadly it wasn’t filled with the same bastard folk I’m used to being around and there was no metal playing loudly over bar speakers; instead, there was a small group of ponies performing a jazz piece. I looked around and noticed several tables filled with all kinds of ponies, some with wings, some with horns, and others that looked like me. I always did prefer drinking at the bar instead of a table, plus I don’t want to look some pathetic loser sitting all alone. Taking a seat at the bar (being the only one there) the bartender popped out of nowhere and gave me a slight startle upon doing so.
“Hey there hun, what can I get you?” she was pinkish purple and had a light lavender mane that matched. Her rump carried a pair of grapes and a single strawberry, her eyes were also a variant of lavender. “We got a special today on Hard Apple Cider and some ‘Special’ Mixed Berry Punch.”
“Can I try a sample of the cider?”
“Sure thing,” the mare replied as she pulled out a glass from behind the bar and walk over to a large barrel. She filled only a small fraction of the glass to my dismay, of course, it was just a sample. “Here you are, fresh from Sweet Apple Acres just delivered this morning,” the pony smiled sweetly at me as she slid the glass my way.
“Grazie,” I stated as I raised up the glass between my hooves and shot a wink her way. Did I mention I’m a flirt? I drank the liquid and brought the glass back down in a swift motion like a shot. I savored the taste of the cider as it slide down the back of my throat, it was sweet but still singed and burned as I swallowed; it was perfect. “Damn, that hit the spot.”
“Want a refill?” the bartender asked as she took my glass and began to approach the keg once more.
“I would but I don’t really have that many Bits on me,” I lied knowing damn well I was broke as shit. I remembered that the old pony I brushed off earlier said ‘Bits’ instead of dollars or something, I guess that a the currency here. That’s strange, purgatory has a currency?
“It’s okay, as a matter of fact,” the mare bartender began as she placed the glass in front of me like before this time filled with cider to the brim. “I know what it’s like to take ‘a little sample’, I do it all the time; also, you seem like you enjoy yourself a good drink.” She added a subtle wink to her last comment as she moved down the bar to tend to another pony who had now taken a seat at the far end of the establishment.
“Well, isn’t she something,” I leaned over out of my seat to catch a glimpse of the mare’s plot which seemed to have an added swing to it. I continued to take a sip of my cider as I was mesmerized by the hypnotic swaying of her hips, was she doing it on purpose? Did she know I was watching?
“Like what you see?”
I nearly choked on my alcoholic beverage at the sound of the voice which came from my left. I managed to save myself and face the direction of where the voice had originated, I nearly spilled over my drink when I came face to face with a human; not just any human though, it was Lucifer in his red velvet suit, this time minus his cane.
“Are you really sitting here flirting with an equine?” he laughed as he took a seat next to me.
“Say what you want, but my flirting got me a free drink,” I took another sip and moaned pleasurably as I felt the burn in my throat return, “And it may get me a little more if I play my cards right.”
“Are you honestly considering sleeping with her?”
“So what if I am? I got needs that haven’t been taken care of for awhile and I am not about to do it myself.”
“That’s what I always liked about you Alexander,” Lucifer laughed as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a cigar box and a lighter. He then proceeded to withdraw one of the thick sticks and light the cigar ablaze, giving it a few puffs before he returned the box to his coat. “You were always such a bastard.”
“Well thank you kindly, but what the hell are you doing here?” I asked as the man as I finished the last of my cider. “These ponies are gonna flip if they see you,” I said, slightly panicked as the bartender was coming back my way.
“Want a refill Mr?....” the lavender mare asked as she scooped up my glass.
“Alexander, but you can just call me Alex. And yes, I’d love a refill.”
“Well then, Alex, I’m Berry Punch and I’ll be your bartender for the remainder of the evening.” After filling my glass once more, Berry returned my drink and shot me a smile, “If there’s anything else I can do, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.” The pony returned to her other patron, and as she walked back I noticed her hips were still swaying ever so teasingly.
“Hmm, I think she likes you,” Lucifer said as he gave me a nudge and continued to smoke on his cigar and blowing the smoke in my direction, causing me to wave a hoof in front of my face as not to smell the damn thing. Weed smoke is one thing, but any other smoke to me is disgusting.
“Of course she likes me, I have a way with—” I stopped as the gears in my head began to turn as a sudden realization dawned on me. “Wait a second! How come she didn’t react to you!?”
“Because she can’t see me, no one here can,” another blow of smoke hit my face, “Well, no one except you, so I’d refrain from yelling least you look like a mental patient.” Lucifer snatched my glass away from me and then snapped his fingers causing a second glass to appear in front of me identical to the one he took except for it being fizzy and a crimson red. I was hesitant to drink it at first, but eventually gave in to my thirst. It was bitter and burned my throat more than the cider did, but I enjoyed it, and the drink only got better with each sip. “You know, that’s a special brew I made myself, I knew you’d like it. But enough chitchat, I have a proposition for you that you can’t refuse. But first, let me inform you that this is NOT purgatory, in fact, your alive, just in an entirely new world.”
“But…I died, right?”
“Oh of course, you died alright, in doing so your soul was transferred into a new body in this world. Your still alive and can still die so be wary of that,” Lucifer took a sip of his cider and puffed on his cigar again. “Listen up, in this world, the sinners are the minority while the pure consists of the majority. I’d very much like to turn this world into a second hell, but because this is an angel’s territory, I can’t necessarily stay here for longer than an hour or so and that’s not nearly enough time for me to cause enough hell.”
“So? How is that my problem?”
“Oh it’s not, but I’m willing to cut you a deal,” Lucifer donned a smile as he watched me put down my drink and stare at him with pure interest. “I’m willing to forget about your damned soul and let you go to Heaven just as long as you bring this pure and innocent world to it’s knees.”
“And how do you propose I do that?” I questioned as I picked up my glass once more and puckered my lips to take a swig.
“Simple,” Lucifer said as he dropped his cigar in my drink before it reached my lips, causing the lit object to hiss and sizzle as it died down and ruined my drink in the process. “Just keep doing what you’ve been doing all your life, be an asshole; a sleaze ball; a prick.”
“Did you read the list?” I asked with a chuckle as I replaced my drink with Lucifer’s and took a sip.
“I’m the one who made the list,” the well dressed man shot back rapidly like a loaded gun. “Anyway, I have another date to see before I return home, have fun.” Lucifer got up and made his way to the exit of the bar, but before he left, he turned back to me and mouthed the words “Its gonna hurt”.
Before I could inquire as to what he was talking about, I felt my whole body lock up and a surge of pain radiate through every fiber of my being. I fell out of the barstool I was sitting at and began gasping for air as I suddenly realized I could no longer breath. I’m not sure what a seizure or a heart attack feels like, but I was fairly certain that I was suffering from one of the two. My hearing had begun to fail me, all I could hear was the rapid beating of my heart which only seemed to accelerate with each gasp I made; my vision soon betrayed me as well, I lost sight of my surroundings and everything turned to black.
I awoke to see Berry Punch (I’m sure that’s her name) staring down at me with wide eyes and shrunken pupils. She was saying something but my hearing was still gone and her words came out muffled. I slowly sat up sluggishly and was able to perch myself back on the barstool. I noticed Lucifer’s glass was gone and a spilt over glass of cider rested where I sat. Berry returned to the other side of the bar and was staring at me with a concerned expression. After shaking off my noxiousness (which probably wasn’t the best idea) I began to regain my hearing as Berry’s mouth began making noise.
“Are you okay? You seemed like you had a but of a panic attack there?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, ugh, my head,” I reached up to place a hoof on my forehead due to the now throbbing pain it was radiating. A gasp escaped from me as I felt something protruding from the center of my forehead, naturally I assumed it was a bump from my fall; this was no bump. “What……what the fuck? What—what is?” I stammered as I continued to feel my new horn, I quickly reached for my glass to catch my reflection, but before I even touched it the glass became enveloped in a red aura and began to float to my face. Sure enough, what was on my head, or I guess now apart of me, was a horn just like the other ponies in the bar. In my slightly panicked state, I hadn’t noticed Berry was staring at me with a look of bewilderment.
“What, have you never seen your own horn before?” she asked as she gently placed her hoof on one of my free ones. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head a bit harder than you think?” Berry giggled as we locked eyes, her gaze was deep, as if she was hypnotized. I stared at her, curious as to what she was looking at; her silent eyeing me was beginning to get on my nerves. “I….I never noticed how attractive you are,” she finally responded without taking her eyes away from mine.
“Thanks?” I replied, this was something that has never happened to me before. Sure, I’m a flirt, there’s usually a little teasing and whatnot, but this was different; I don’t know how to explain it, but what I did know was that I had an opportunity here and I was about to take it. “Say, Berry, why don’t we go somewhere a bit more....…private and we can,” I cleared my throat, “discuss a payment plan for these drinks.”
“Oh, Alex,” she stuttered slightly as she thought my offer over, blushing all the while. “Its been so long since I’ve been with anypony. I’d really, really like to take you up on that offer, but my boss is upstairs and he checks on me every few minutes or so—”
“Don’t worry, we’ll be quick,” I reassured her, doing so she let a sultry growl escape from the back of her throat as she looked at me with half-lidded eyes. Wow! This is actually working!?’ i thought to myself silently. ‘I’m a charmer but my power of persuasion has never, EVER, been this good.’ A light bulb turned on in my head as I remembered back to my encounter with Lucifer. ‘Of course! It was the drink! I can’t be completely certain, but something about that beverage has enhanced my abilities, both by giving me a horn and increasing my persuasive skills.’
“There’s a storage room behind the bar were we age the wine,” Berry whispered infectiously in my ear, snapping me out of my self induced trance altogether. “If your not there in the next five minutes, then I’ll come looking for you myself.” Berry Punch gave my ear a teasing lick which made my whole body shudder in pleasure, she then returned to the other side of the bar and shot me a wink before disappearing behind a wooden door that I can only assume was the storage room that she spoke of.
“Holy shit, what just happened?” I questioned out loud as I sat alone on my barstool. Whatever Lucifer gave me was working amazingly, but was I really about to engage in coitus with a pony? Would that make me a furry? Deciding against thinking, the only thing left to do was act. So, I got up and walked around the bar until I was behind it and standing in front of the door the mare had entered only moments before. “Thank you Lucifer,” I muttered to myself before opening the door and entering the storage space.
“Thank you Princess,” the unicorn replied graciously as he bowed his head before the mighty alicorn. The unicorn then proceeded to exit the large room accompanied by two guards.
Another citizen satisfied with the results of Celestia’s court, sure, most usually ended this way, but it pleased her to no end to see a smiling pony leave her castle. She kept on her usual smile until her visitor was gone, then her smile deflated and one could see the obvious drowsiness on her expression. Celestia was never tired around this time of day, however, waking up in the middle of the night to venture off to an alternate universe and see to the judgement passing of a young soul drained a lot out of the princess. She very much just wished to call it a day and rest in her bed, but she still had duties to uphold; she had to tend to her day court, no matter how tired she was. Luckily for her, the next visitor that would enter her room was one that would surely wake her up.
The large dark oak doors opened slowly and Celestia quickly returned to her cheerful (and wakeful) demeanor, however she only began frowning when a red velvet unicorn with a dark red mane entered the room with a large grin plastered on his face. Surprisingly, Celestia noticed he had a cutie mark of an old English style “L” with three 6’s surrounding it; this came as a shock to her because the Prince of darkness was never one to take the form of one of her subjects let alone don a cutie mark for himself.
“Good afternoon Tia, your looking lovely as ever,” Lucifer said as he approached the princess who rose up from her throne, she didn’t walk towards him though, she just stood watching, waiting. “You know what I love most?”
“You cannot fool me Lucifer, you have no heart and love nothing,” the princess replied quickly as she slowly made her way to the unicorn, her frown unwavering. “What do you think your doing here? This is not your domain.”
“Seriously Celeste, you shouldn’t frown like that, it’s unbecoming of a princess and an angel,” Lucifer laughed and teleported in a red flash, he was now sitting on the princess’ thrown with a gold crown on his head. Celestia quickly spun around and growled at the cocky demon. “Now I see why you don’t like leaving this throne, it is quite comfortable. Yes. This throne will do nicely when I takeover. I might have it raised to a higher level but—”
“What exactly do you mean by your words!?” Celestia snapped, seeing her like this was a very uncommon sight for most, but not for Lucifer. “You are alone Lucifer, there are no legions in this world for you to command; you are powerless.”
“Oh Celestia, who ever said I needed a whole legion?” Lucifer chortled as he rose from the throne and tossed his crown across the room. “I have a single soldier here that is equivalent to an army of demons, and it’s all thanks to you. You and the…,” Lucifer cleared his throat with a slight laugh, “higher ups, gave that poor little bastard a second chance, and that second chance is all I’m going to need to begin my conquer.”
Princess Celestia’s eyes widened as she disposed of her frown and replaced it with one of shock. “Alexander, what have you done to him?”
“I merely bestowed upon him a….a little gift,” Lucifer disappeared in an explosion of red smoke, but his final words still echoed in the room. “Rest assured, the fun is only just beginning.”
I exited the storage space with a messy mane and drained of stamina, however, I wasn’t the only one. Following behind me was Berry Punch, her mane was now unkempt as well and she was frazzled due to our, negotiations. I didn’t even bother try to fix my mane (or hair), I instead quickly made my way around the bar once more and returned to my barstool. Berry tried to fix her own her but to no avail, I could still notice that the fur all over her body was also ruffled; needless to say, I made her day.
“That was…..wow,” she said as she returned in front of me and placed her hooves on mine, still staring with half-lidded eyes. “It’s been so long, but sweet Celestia that was better than I remembered.”
“Perhaps we could have a second go in awhile?” I asked bringing my muzzle closer to hers in an attempt to steal a kiss; but before I could do so, a voice from behind stole my attention.
“You gonna actually buy a drink or just bang my bartender again?”
Berry looked past me with widened eyes, doing so I turned around to face a portly, round light brown pony with a dark brown mane and handlebar mustache that matched. His chubby face had a pout and an angered stare, her boss huh?
“Berry, this was the last straw, I told you that ya had one last chance and ya blew it.”
“I wouldn’t say that the straw was the only thing she blew,” I chimed in with a laugh.
“Please, Mr. Radish, it won’t happen again I swear it,” Berry pleaded to the small pony who I still couldn’t believe was her boss.
“This was your last chance Berry! And don’t think I didn’t notice the free samples you’ve been taking home, I check inventory ya know!?” the portly pony was now raising his voice, I could detect the anger he was now giving off, his red face looked so funny I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh; doing so caused his glare to face my direction. “And you! You haven’t paid for a single thing since you got here!”
“Guilty as charged,” I laughed as I raised a hoof, I was probably the only one not fazed by the tension.
“You! Get outta my bar!” The pony pointed an accusatory hoof back to Berry, “ And you!? Your fired! So you can leave with him and don’t bother coming back!”
I was giggling softly to myself, but my concern turned to Berry Punch who was now sobbing quietly, tears clearly rolling down her cheeks.
“Please sir! I have a daughter that I have to support and this is the only job I have!”
“Well you should have thought about that before you started screwing around with patrons!” With that final snap, Mr. Radish (think that’s his name) turned away from us and made his way up a pair of stairs which most likely led to an office above.
I was left sitting in my stool with the softly sobbing mare in behind me, I swiveled around and looked to Berry. She was still crying and obviously in deep thought, she stared down at the ground instead of looking at me; I began to feel uncomfortable, I couldn’t explain it, but it’s a feeling I’ve never felt before. Was it….empathy? No that’s impossible. I laughed at suffering, made jokes about it daily, I could never feel empathy for someone else, especially a fuckin pony!
“Alex, what am I going to do?” Berry finally asked, peering up at me; seeing her teary eyed only made me feel a lot more uncomfortable. “This job has helped support me and my daughter for so long, bartending is all I know. What will I do now?”
‘I…I just wanted a few free drinks and some sex, I didn’t mean to get this girl (pony) fired from her job.” Berry placed her hooves on mine which quickly derailed my thought upon touch. I took notice of her eyes, her hopeful eyes pleaded for an answer that I didn’t have. ‘What….what the fuck am I feeling and why can’t I break her stare?’ After several moments of gazing into Berry’s eyes she returned to looking back at the floor which comforted me somewhat. Shortly after having my thoughts wage all-out war against each other I had finally come to a decision.
“Hey, look at me,” I told Berry sternly as I placed a hoof under her chin and met her gaze with my own again, this time willingly. “Don’t you worry about a thing,” I hopped off my barstool and made my way to the stairs, “When I come back we’ll pour a couple drinks and laugh about this, you’ll see.”
I didn’t bother knocking on the door to the office once I got there, this guy didn’t deserve such a pleasantry; instead, I burst through the door like I owned the place. My sudden entrance startled the portly pony who nearly jumped out of his seat, I approached his desk at a moderate pace, not letting my smug grin falter even in the slightest.
“Mr. Horseradish? Let’s have a little chat.”
“You!? I thought I told you to—” I cut the earth pony off (at least I assume it was me) when he was enveloped in a red aura that hummed softly. I dragged him over his large desk knocking over several items and knickknacks that lined its surface and brought him face to face with me. “Hey wait! What do you think your doing?”
“I told you, I just want to talk about Berry getting her job back,” I hissed through my grin. “You’re a pony of business right? Then let’s talk business.” I thought about throwing the pig-like pony over his desk again, and as if it could read my very thoughts, the red aura tossed the pony toward his desk. He flew over it and crashed on his chair, a groan of pain was the only confirmation that he survived, I did throw him pretty hard. “Hoped that didn’t hurt too bad,” I lied with a smile.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done!?” Mr. Radish asked, a hint of fear in his voice as he stammered. “Th—this is my bar.”
“Yes, yes it is, and I want to show you something,” I levitated the earth pony back to my side and pressed his face against a glass window which overlooked the lower floor of the bar. “Tell me, what do you see?”
The earth pony’s eyes squinted slightly before he responded, “I…I don’t know.”
I brought back his head and slammed it against the glass, hard, causing it to crack slightly upon impact. “Look again,” I responded playfully.
Mr. Radish’s eyes searched frantically about the bar below, desperately trying to find what I was talking about among the emptiness in the room. “Look if this is about Berry than she can have her job ba—”
“It’s not just about her,” I growled as I stepped forward and looked down below at the bar as well. “Look at this place, it’s dead, the band is already gone, and the only other customers you’ve had left only moments after I got here and a new one hasn’t come in since. Your bar doesn’t seem like it’s doing too well, meaning, you were bound to fire Berry Punch at some point, all you needed was the perfect excuse.”
“Not many ponies come in to drink cider,” Radish said with his face still firmly placed against the glass. “Business hasn’t been going well, heck, the Apple family said that they were going to stop supplying us with cider because we can’t cover the costs anymore. So what? What does any of this have to do with you?"
“Well you see,” I began as I pulled the gentleman (pony) away from the window and placed him back on ground level. “I wish to make you a business offer, one that could help this old bar become the most live place in Ponyville.”
“You engaged my employee in a mating session; you haven’t paid for a single drink; then you bust into my office and fling me around like I’m some doll; and you expect me to just hand over my property to you just because you say you can make it better?”
“Mr. Radish, I think you’ll come to realize that my skills of persuasion can be,” I looked at the bar owner, my eyes of a burning intensity, a feeling so extreme even I could feel it. “Effective.” I could see the look of fear on Radish’s face grow, while a devilish smile crept on mine. “Now then, let’s talk about the business details.”
Berry Punch sat on the opposite side of the bar in a stool, it felt different being the patron instead of the bartender; even when she considered all the drinks that she took home and all the samples she had snuck for herself. Her thoughts however, were still stuck on whether or not she still had a job. Alex seemed fairly confident that he had everything under control, but he was still just a pony she had just met. As doubt was beginning to creep into the back of her mind, Berry quickly snapped back to reality when she heard a loud scream come from upstairs followed by the fast stomping of hooves.
She cocked her head in the direction of the stairs to see her boss running down the stairs, a look of fear on his face as he bolted out the front door. Her attention soon turned to her new friend who slowly descended the stairs and wore a warm smile.
I smiled at Berry who only looked back at me with shock. “I thought you were going to pour us some drinks, what happened?” I laughed as I approached her at the bar. I took a seat on a barstool next to Berry and filled two glasses with cider using my new telepathic abilities before placing the drinks in front of us.
“What exactly happened back there?” Berry asked as she took a sip of her cider.
“I got you your job back,” I said before sipping on my own glass of cider, loving the burning sensation in my throat that it brought back. “And then some.”
“And then some?”
“Don’t stress yourself on the details, just know you still have your job,” I replied with a smile before taking a rather large swig of my cider. “Don’t thank me all at once,” I said playfully.
“Oh, I was going to thank you, but in my way,” Berry put her glass of cider down and threw her front hooves around my neck, she soon began licking my ear gently causing me to shudder and let out a low moan of pleasure.
“We’ll have to postpone that for now,” I say freeing myself from her grip and sneaking a kiss on her muzzle. I finished the last of my cider and hopped off the barstool, making my way to the exit.
“Well, wait!” Berry stuttered as she hopped off the her own stool and tried to chase after me. “Alex, where are you going?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll only be gone for a little while, hold the fort down for me, will ya?” I was about to exit the bar when I realized the look of confusion still plastered on Berry’s face. I turned back to look over my shoulder to further elaborate, “I’m gonna go find a DJ, you and I are fixing to turn this dump around.”
