> The Anthropologist
>  by Weavers of Dreams
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> -1- Monday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Aryanne, no, put it down, bad girl,” Dr. Heartstrings ordered her latest appointment.

The white-and-blond, and rather grimly dressed, mare that was the object of her current ire shook her head and clutched the deplorable book tighter to her breast. “Nein, it’s mine.”

“Your parents sent you here for a reason, young missy, and that book is the root of the whole problem,” Lyra said, waving her curtain rod in a vain attempt to dislodge the earth pony’s death grip on the ceiling fan. “Now hand it over before I turn that fan up to overdrive.”

“Nein!”

“As impressive as your human linguistic skills are, you are not going to leave this office with that book.”

Aryanne stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at her. “Tvilight Sparkle let me check zees book out.”

“Eight weeks ago,” Lyra pointed out sharply, poking the belligerent mare in the ribs, eliciting a squeal of laughter. She had already attempted to tickle her down, but the silly mare had a will of iron. “It’s so overdue you’d think it was Celestia’s work ethic.”

It got quiet all of a sudden and both mares just started at each other, the mint one turning quite red in the face.

“Wow,” Aryanne said flatly, eyebrows tabling. “That was just uncalled for.”

Although grateful that that the mare had dropped the phony, if not well-done, accent, Lyra was at her wits end. She tossed the curtain rod aside and trotted across the room to the control switch for her fan. Sure enough, there was an overdrive setting.

“The record for holding on is forty-six seconds,” she exclaimed as she recalled various other times she had had to use it. “I’ll give you about seven.”

With a high-pitched shriek, Aryanne managed to exceed Lyra’s prediction by about a good five seconds. She landed in a heap upon the couch, head spinning and stomach churning dangerously. But she managed to hug the book as firmly as ever. She watched groggily as the good doctor approached her and spoke in a low tone.

“Young mare, hand over the book.”

“N-no… nein,” she answered, throwing a hoof over her mouth to halt her stomach’s escape attempt.

Lyra reached out with a hoof and placed it upon the mare’s shoulder. “Please, it’s destroying you, Aryanne.”

“Nvr,” she managed to say around her hoof. But she knew it was inevitable, she released the book and threw her other hoof over her mouth, rushing towards the wastebasket to make a deposit.

Lyra sighed as she gripped the book in magic and held it up. “Aryanne, do you even know what this book is about?”

“Abrot augh gimble mauck,” was the response poor mare. With a cough and a couple deep breaths, she managed to speak legibly again. “About a great man.”

Lyra shook the “German-English Guide to Mein Kompf” in the sick mare’s face, groaning in agitation. “Hitler was one of the worst human beings to ever live.”

“N-nein, he made Germany great.”

“While at the same time tried to destroy the rest of the world.”

“All they had to do was listen to him.”

“He tried to kill the ‘racially impure’.”

“Propagandized assassination,” Aryanne snapped trying to stand up in defense of the man. But, nature hadn’t fully taken its course, and she found herself leaning back over the wastebasket again.

“Did you even read the book?” Lyra demanded.

“I… have…. memorized it,” Aryanne managed to say before heaving again.

Lyra paused a moment. “Okay… that’s actually pretty impressive… in a dark, horrible sort of way. Back to the point, how can you defend this monster?”

“He wasn’t… ooaaugh… a monster,” Aryanne protested weakly. “It’s the people who took his metaphors and… hhyyioocgh… arguments too seriously that are the… bleaugh… monsters.”

Lyra’s mouth snapped shut with a click. “Metaphors?”

She stared in disbelief at the retching mare. “You think it was all full of metaphors?”

“Of course. No one in their right mind would actually do such things. You have… uuugh… have to take it from a logical perspective.”

“Hitler was insane you stupid filly,” Lyra shouted as she non-too-gently whacked the mare’s blond mane with the large book. “He had necromancers and soothsayers in his cabinet(1) and believed an ancient spearhead made him immortal(2). And, just FYI, he did do most of those things.”

Aryanne still didn’t believe her. “You have no right to put all the blame on him.”

Lyra’s eye twitched as she began to fume. “He killed sixteen million people in concentration camps for crying out loud. After starving them while using them for slave labor.”

Aryanne looked to be on the verge of cracking now, as her eyes widened and her pupils turned into tiny pinpricks. “No… that cannot be.”

Lyra slammed the book onto the ground and grabbed the filly in her magic, yanking her close until they were nose-to-nose. “Listen you little trilobite. You’re a pampered, spoiled little filly whose used to getting her way, and living on the campus of an esteemed college that your parents paid for isn’t helping you either. Now, listen to me and listen well.”

Aryanne gulped as beads of sweat began crawling down her face.

“You… don’t… know… everything,” Lyra shrieked in her face, not caring who outside the room might hear. She took a couple deep breaths, seething. With a long sigh, she pulled the terrified mare into a hug. “I’m trying to help you, Aryanne, believe me. This is a very bad path you stumbled upon, and you need to understand that.”

She broke the embrace and snatched up a piece of paper. “To help you understand, Aryanne, I recommend these sources.” Her quill moved swiftly over the parchment. “Victory at Sea, Mause, Auschwitz, and the Diary of Anne Frank.”

She gave it to Aryanne, who took it and swiftly left the office. Later that same week, Aryanne would burn all her Nazi gear and drop out of college, much to her parents chagrin. But it would be alright for her. Now void of certain biases influenced by the book, she opened a Texas-style barbeque restaurant in Manehatten, catering to herbivores, omnivores and carnivores alike(3). It would remained in her family for many generations, serving everyone, from the average Joe, to foreign leaders. Under her enlightened eyes, the Don’t Trot on Me was the biggest name on the east coast, so that, upon her death, she left large fortunes to her twelve children and thirty-eight grandchildren.

Lyra, however, became rather upset upon finding that she had to pay Aryanne’s late-fees at the library.


	(1)	True fact.
(2)	Also true. The Spear of Destiny, or the Holy Lance.
(3)	Another fun fact. Her ex-hero, Hitler, was a devout vegetarian.
	
> -2- Monday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mondays are always the worst,” Lyra groaned as she rubbed her nose. Mondays were usually the time she met new, or one-time-only patients who had minor human-related problems. Or pony-related problems stemming from human-related problems, and various mixes in between. Either way, Mondays sucked, and this one was no different.

Such was the life of an Anthropologist.

Today’s problem was a young human male, approximately twenty-one years old, who had been given a court order by Mayor Mare to visit Lyra after a major complaint was filed against him.

“Ricky, this has to stop,” Lyra said flatly, looking at the cause of the complaint included in the man’s folder. “I mean… really… stop now, don’t ever do it again.”

“It was just a joke,” the young man, Ricky, stated with a pout.

Lyra scowled and lifted up one of the items, marked with a date so she knew which one was which. “This one, the first one you made, could have been seen as a joke. But, proceeding to make eighty-seven more is crossing the line like an illegal immigrant on steroids and crack.”

“Hey, that stupid portal yanked me here, I didn’t have a choice,” Ricky pointed out.

Lyra groaned. “Don’t try and twist my metaphors, kid. I already had one particularly difficult appointment this morning, don’t make it worse.”

Ricky looked at her desk. “Is that Mein Kompf?”

“Don’t touch that,” Lyra cried out, taking up the curtain rod and swinging it defensively. “It’s being returned… by… me… of course. Paying a fine is a great way to start the week.” She grabbed the book in her magic and shoved it firmly into her saddlebags, which hung by a hook near the door. “Stupid Lyra.”

“Oookaayy,” Ricky said with a slow nod, beginning to stand up. “Are we done now? I just stop doing it and everything goes back to normal.”

Lyra forced him back down with her magic. “Nope. If that was all it took, you wouldn’t be here.”

Ricky muttered something under his breath and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Milky Way happens to be a good friend of mine,” Lyra said as she splayed out the multitude of rather inappropriate drawings in front of her. “I am taking it upon myself to help resolve this issue between you two. Starting with why you thought it would be ‘funny’ to draw these.”

Ricky looked at the picture and then cleared his throat nervously. “Okay, maybe I did get a little carried away.”

Lyra’s eyebrows tabled. “There’s nothing little about any of this. Speaking as a mare, I can tell you that just looking at this picture makes my lower back cry in pain. For crying out loud, you’re lucky she’s concerned about you, this could easily have been used as evidence of you defaming her business if she had decided to take it to court.”

Ricky was taken aback. “She’s concerned about me?”

Incredibly, Lyra managed to make her eyebrows table even further. “Was that all you got out of everything I just said? Ugh, yes, she’s concerned. This is not normal, or even acceptable, behavior.”

“No one would have ever known if Rainbow Dash hadn’t stolen my binder and decided to play keep-away.”

“It never would have landed on Milky’s head if you hadn’t decided to throw snowballs in an attempt to make Dash drop it.”

“Milky would never have opened the binder if Rainbow Dash hadn’t retaliated with a snow storm.”

“And none of this would have ever happened if you had just not drawn these pictures in the first place,” Lyra stated, depositing the whole collection into the man’s lap. “We’re trying to keep this as quiet as possible, Ricky for your own good. If she had decided to go tell her husband, we’d be having a scavenger hunt just to take you to the hospital… most likely the morgue.”

“She’s married?” Ricky cried out in shock.

Lyra’s twisted her face into an odd expression and nodded. “Yeeessss.”

“Since when?”

“Since about eight years ago,” Lyra spoke slowly and carefully.

“I guess I never paid that much attention.”

“She’s had three foals,” Lyra pointed, gesturing with her hoof. “Surely you must have seen her playing with them at least once.”

A light seemed to come on inside his head. “Ooooh. So that’s who they were, I just thought she was really friendly.”

Resisting the urge to face hoof, Lyra picked up her clipboard and crossed out a small section. “So you weren’t stalking her?”

Ricky almost jumped in his seat. “What? Why would you think I was doing that?”

Lyra justed turned her attention to the pictures that had fallen to the floor. Ricky grinned sheepishly and blushed.

“Okay, maybe I can see where you got that idea,” he attempted a laugh, but it sounded like a strangled goat. “No, I was doing no such thing, I found out she was a milkmare, looked up what that was, and… well…”

“And that adolescent portion of your post-teenage brain just kicked into high gear?” Lyra suggested. Ricky cringed and nodded. “Okay. I can tell Milky that she doesn’t need to carry a shotgun with her around town anymore. After I do that, you are going to give her a written apology, and a verbal apology, hand delivered.”

“Are you sure she’ll even want to see?” Ricky asked, worriedly.

Lyra nodded. “We were all at that point at one time, Ricky. We’re all fallen creatures, and if we cannot forgive each other’s shortcomings, than what good are we?”

Ricky began to gather up the pictures. Lyra helped him, sweeping them up in her magic and thrusting them into his hands. He paused a moment, and looked at her, she just stared back, waiting for what he would do. He dumped them into her wastebasket.

Lyra beamed him a smile. “I’m proud of you Ricky. To think, it was only a year or so ago that the portal spat out your frightened body and the citizens of Ponyville brought you to my office.”

Ricky turned a little red in the cheeks, and ran his fingers through his hair. “So… are we done?”

Lyra looked at the clock. “We still got another forty-five minutes.”

“What’ll we do in that time?” Ricky asked.

Lyra levitated her quill and a piece of paper over to him and cleared her throat. “Help you write that apology letter of course.”

Ricky shrugged. “Sure. How do I start?”

Lyra took up a matter-of-fact attitude and quickly began. “Dear Mrs. Way…”

Ricky wrote what he was told. “Okay, standard opening, got it.”

Lyra continued. “I’m sorry for comparing your bozangas to a bloated cow’s udder.”

The quill snapped in half and Ricky stared at the smirking mare. “What?”

Lyra narrows her eyes above the fiendish grin. “You want out of this, right?” Ricky nodded. “Then you will write what I say.” A fresh quill was quickly placed into the young man’s shaking hand. “It’s for the best, Ricky. Trust me.”

Lyra was about to begin another sentence, when a thought crossed her mind. “Hold on… no, don’t write that… I’m just curious. You said you didn’t know Milky had children, right?”

Ricky nodded.

“Then… how did you think she gave milk?”

Sometimes humans were just weird. Also, Lyra would never again be able to look at a tuba the way.

> -3- Monday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being an anthropologist had plenty of perks as well.

“There-there, dear,” Lyra said, giving the small human girl a kind hug while levitating a plate of Sugarcube Corner’s melt-in-your-mouth sugar cookies and a glass of milk to the little table. “Tears alone aren’t going to solve this problem. We’re going to do our best to send you back home to your mommy and daddy as soon as possible.”

The girl sniffed as Lyra used a cotton handkerchief to dry her eyes, and then had her blow her nose.

“Better?” Lyra asked as she tossed the handkerchief into the wastebasket. The girl nodded. Lyra sat down beside her, gathering her clipboard. “Okay, let’s see here. You were found just outside of Whitetail Woods, at eight-forty PM, by the Flower Sisters. At the time, you thought it was a dream, and let them lead you to their home, where they gave you a hot bath, a warm meal, and bed to sleep in for the night. Is that correct?”

The girl nodded as she hesitantly reached for the milk and cookies. Lyra continued.

“Upon waking up, and finding yourself in a strange environment, you screamed for help.” Lyra gave an understanding nod. It was common for the younger ones to experience a brief period of terror the first few times they woke up in Equestria. “The flower sisters heard your cries and rushed in to try and help you… you managed to hit Roseluck over the head with an encyclopedia.”

“Sorry,” the girl managed to say around her mouthful of cookie.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” Lyra comforted her. “It says here that, after she regained consciousness, she expressed her forgiveness of the action, and is still willing to put you up in her home for the time being. Looks like you’ve had a busy morning, Jessica.”

The girl had a guilty look on her face as she nibbled on another cookie.

Lyra chuckled softly as she set the clipboard aside. “Well, Jessica, it’ll be about a week or so until the mages have dealt with all the other misplaced humans so that they can create a return portal for you. Unless we can get some of them from Canterlot.”

“You want me to leave?” Jessica asked, looking as though she had been caught doing something wrong.

Lyra shook her head frantically. “Oh, no-no-no-no-nooo, it’s not that we want you to leave, it’s that we want you be with your family. They must miss you terribly, don’t you think?”

Jessica nodded and sniffed. “Yes ma’am.”

“That’s Dr. Ma’am to you,” Lyra said good-naturedly. That made the little girl laugh. Awe, good times. She grabbed a fresh piece of notepaper and a quill. “Now, before I have you sent to Ponyville General with one of my assistants… that came out wrong… for quick physical check-up, I would like to compile a small list of things.”

“What sort of things?”

“Oh, you know,” Lyra said with an abstract hoof motion, “like, what’s your favorite food? What games do you like? Are you allergic to anything? Do you like bedtime stories? If so, what kind of stories? How many cookies can you take from the cookie jar before anyone notices? You know… the important stuff.”

Jessica giggled. Lyra was good with kids.

The questions went by quickly, and Lyra let her out early so the little girl could finish up with the rest of the standard human proceedings and still enjoy a day in the snow with the other children. It also gave her some time alone before her next patient to wonder how a little girl of Jessica’s age could possibly enjoy Lovecraft’s eldritch horror.

> -4- Monday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, after I fought off the Hellhound, I journeyed to the Tower of Deplorable Desolation and burnt it to the ground. The citizens of the land cheered my holy name, and their chieftain presented me with the Battleax of Righteousness. However, the rulers of the nation were not so pleased that I had taken the glory without their namesake. Therefore, they sought to purge me from the world, turning me to stone, until I awoke millennia later from that unjust prison and fled into the wilderness to gather strength and show the world how cowardly and detestable the two rulers of the land are(1).”

“All within two hours, huh?” Lyra said as she finished writing down all the costumed teenager in front of her had said. With an old aluminum baseball bat hovering readily beside her, she regarded her new patient.

He was lanky, had bad acne, was covered in dirt and mud, and wore a suit of foam armor that used to resemble a Chaos Space Marine. The most striking feature, however, was the large bruise on the left side of his face.

“Let’s try and straighten this out,” Lyra said as she licked the tip of her hoof and turned the page around. An earth pony habit she had picked up. “You were sold an item by a mysterious old man…”

“My Boot of Holy Earthquakes,” he said, gesturing proudly to the intricately decorated metal shoe.

“Where’d the other one go?” Lyra asked, using the tip of the bat the push the human back as he leaned forward to try and see what she was reading.

“There was no other one.”

“So, there’s only one shoe?” Lyra asked, coking her eyes.

“Indeed.”

“Why would you buy one shoe?” she asked, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.

The teenager held out his arms, one had a power fist and the other was just a glove, which grasped a snow shovel. “Because the servants of Chaos need not match.”

“That thing has to weigh fifty pounds,” Lyra spoke up, an edge of disbelief in her voice. “No wonder you tripped and fell.”

“Ah, yes,” he went on, “the Merchant sought to test me, and I passed his challenge.”

Lyra held up an article of crushed foam that had once been a decent helmet. “You’re just lucky this thing had enough density that you didn’t break your skull when you hit that rock.”

“The Merchant had the foresight and power to transform my childish creation into its true form, befitting one such as I. With this, I shall begin my crusade to vanquish evil from this world.”

Lyra tossed the piece of foam aside and sighed. “You’re also lucky it’s just foam, you could have hurt Winona when you threw it at her.”

“The Hellhound was just fortunate I let it live.”

“You chased her for about ten feet before that stupid shoe exhausted you.”

“Yes,” he agreed with her. “I have yet to truly master its mighty earthquake power. It drains my armor’s energy cells something fierce.”

Lyra rolled her eyes and continued. “The Cutie Mark Crusaders are rather upset with what you did to their treehouse.”

“The treasures inside the horrid tower must have been vast,” lamented the teenager. “But it was the only way I could free them from its horrid oppression.”

“They were just trying to calm you down after seeing try to hurt the Apple family pet.”

“The master of the tower had sent them to me, rather than risk his own neck. Hoping they would appease me as a sacrifice. But I showed my great virtue, and instead had them take me to his hiding place.”

“They thought you were just scared and were taking you to get some refreshments to calm you down.”

“It was indeed refreshing to hear the cries of joy.”

“They were crying alright,” Lyra hissed between her teeth.

Without warning, the teenager began to swing the shovel about with the skill of a drunk beaver. Lyra instinctively held the bat up defensively.

“They awarded me with…”

“With the snow shovel that Applejack just so happened to be using when she heard her sister and her friends crying. She was trying to dowse the flames with the snow, until you decided it was yours.”

“I was a hero.”

“You were a pyromaniac jerk who wouldn’t stop crying ‘Blood for the Blood God’ as you interfered with all efforts to save the playhouse.”

“But the rulers above them did not see me as such. They tried to bring me down with a great blizzard.”

“The Weather Patrol saw the smoke and tried to help.”

“When that failed they turned me to stone, I could not move.”

“They were unable to get you under control, so they dropped a tarp over you and tied to end together so they could drag into town to have your injuries looked at.”

“I then escaped and fled into the wilderness.”

“The tarp struck a sharp rock on the muddy road, ripped open, and you then proceeded to dive into Old Lady Daffodil’s rose bush.”

“There I began plans to…”

WHAP!

Lyra struck him the chest with the bat. The foam took most of the impact; it was just to get his attention. “Okay, I’ve heard this story enough times now, young man. We’ve been here for an hour and you keep on repeating yourself, over-and-over again. I’m sick of it.”

When it appeared he had no plans of speaking again, she lowered the bat and continued. “You’re what we in the Anthropological community call a Displaced. A human, typically really young, like yourself, gets sucked into a portal while wearing an outlandish costume, gets so disoriented that they trip over said costume and wind up getting a concussion that, combined with the sudden influx of magic on their person, makes them believe they’re in some high fantasy world.

“The only known cure is to send you back over to your world where magic doesn’t exist, and no longer plays with your brain. So, until there is an opening in the list of people returning to earth, you’re going to spend your remaining time here in Equestria at the Ponyville Mental Institute… this would have a greater impact to you if were even aware of what was going on.”

The two creatures stared at each other for the longest moment. Then the teenagers bowed deeply before Lyra.

“Teach me your ways, oh great one. You have managed to strike me, and your wisdom is spoken at great length. Show me the way to defeat my enemies.”

Lyra sighed sadly, ears drooping in a melancholy fashion. Reaching out a hoof, she gently stroked the top of his head. “You’re going to get help, kid, don’t worry. We won’t let you leave before we’re certain no lasting damage has been done.”

The teenager stood back and smiled triumphantly. “If ever I return home, this shall be a grand tale to tell.”

Lyra nodded as she moved to the door. “All the others thought so as well.”

Outside the room were several orderlies in white uniforms. Lyra gave them a nod.

The teenager watched as the ponies filed into the room. Lyra walked up to him and gave him an uneasy smile.

“Okay, kid…”

“I have chosen the name Thrandor.”

Lyra forced her lips to smile even broader. “Thrandor… that’s a, um, a nice name. Yeah. Well listen, Thrandor. These ponies are my… um… servants.” He gave a nod of understanding. So long as she kept playing along with his fantasies he would be easy to handle. “They are going to take you a place to study meditation in the ways of the…uuuuh… the Force, yeah, that’s it, the Force.”

“Like Star Wars, awesome,” he replied, striking a pose. The other ponies laughed, until Lyra fixed them with a withering glare.

“Yeah, just like that, Thrandor,” Lyra chuckled insincerely. “But, to train in the Force, you cannot take any weapons.”

“Of course.” The snow shovel clattered onto the ground. “Shall I shed my armor too?”

Lyra shook her head. “Why don’t you wait until you’re there? That way it can be put into a nice, secure location for after your training.”

He nodded and smiled. “Very well then, proceed,” he said, gesturing for the ponies to lead the way.

Lyra watched as they filed out, the uniformed ponies close in at his sides to keep him from wandering off. Then she noticed Applejack and the CMC, along with members of the weather patrol clinging to the walls as the teenager passed them by.

Gathering up the shovel and she left her office and presented it to the slightly singed Applejack, who still smelled like smoke. “You can have this back now, Applejack.”

Applejack took it, grinning sheepishly. “Ah, yeah, sorry about accidentally chasing him in here, Lyra. He kept givin’ us the slip.”

Lyra chuckled and rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t worry about it. A little spice in the day is a good thing. I just hope that whoever was my next appointment isn’t too put out by the rather abrupt delay.”

“I am a little put out.”

Lyra cringed and looked towards where the voice had come from. It was a bright red mare with a lavender mane and a cutie mark of a turnip-shaped clock. “Sorry, about that. Couldn’t be helped.”

The mare looked down at a trail of evenly spaced dents in the floor. “So I see. I will still be getting my appointment, right?”

“Of course,” Lyra nodded. Then she added under her breath, “I’ll just skip lunch.” She turned towards her office door. “Just give me a couple minutes to tidy things up a bit.”

“As you wish,” the mare agreed, sitting down to read a magazine.

Inside the office, Lyra just sat down in her chair, levitated the foam helmet in front of her face, and stared at it with sad look in her eyes. Then she crushed it and dropped in the wastebasket before calling her next appointment.

Sometimes humans made her sad.

(1)	Pretty much sums up 90% of all Displaced fics out there.

> -5- Monday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re in love with a human?” Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

The red mare, one Turnip Time, nodded and blushed something fierce. “Yes, that is correct. Is that wrong? Am I a horrible pervert?”

Lyra shook her head. “Nnnooo, it’s just that… this really isn’t my field of expertise, I’m the mare you call when you have a problem with a human.”

“But this is a problem,” the Turnip piped up, raising her forelegs in a manner that made her look like a dog begging for table scraps. “I can’t keep him off my mind, and I have to know… how can I win him for myself?”

Lyra might have more annoyed if this had been the first time something like this had come up. “I suppose I could tell you some human relationship customs.” The mare’s face lit up like a firework. “But first, just a few questions, if I may.”

“Of course, of course.”

“Are you a xenophiliac?” Lyra asked in a serious tone. Upon seeing that the mare didn’t understand, she sighed. “Is your attraction to him purely hormonal and based in emotions? Did you just see him, a hairless monkey walk down the street, and suddenly felt the urge to pork or be porked by him?”

The mare looked aghast. “Augh, certainly not. I’m not some shallow pubescent filly looking for relief.”

“Than what is the basis for your attraction?”

The mare took on a faraway look in her eyes. “He’s kind, thoughtful, strong, and, above all, chivalrous. The kind of stallion every filly dreams about.”

Lyra smiled and chuckled. “Well, that’s all well and good. But…”

“I knew there was going to be a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”

“Does he direct these traits towards you specifically, or towards every female he comes across?”

The mare looked thoughtful. “He’s kind to everyone, but… I like to think he’s more so with me than anyone else.”

Lyra nodded as she thought up her next question. “Has he applied for citizenship?”

“He’s been an Equestrian for three years now,” the mare stated proudly.

“Age?”

“Mid-thirties.”

“Ethnicity?”

“He calls himself, Italian,” Turnip Time seemed rather proud of her ability to pronounce that word flawlessly.

Lyra wiggled her eyebrows. “Well then, it looks like you’re hoping to snag yourself a real family man.”

It was hard to believe how a red mare could turn even redder. “R-really?”

Lyra nodded. “Family is very-very important to Italians. The bigger the better.” Lyra couldn’t suppress the snickers that welled up as she saw the mare grow redder and redder by the second. “You may be trying to bite off more than you can chew, girl.”

Turnip Time shook her head to remove certain images and cleared her throat. “W-well, I-I suppose, then, dare I ask…”

“Yes?” Lyra said, inclining her head.

“Are ponies and humans… er,” she rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment, “compatible?”

Lyra’s smile broadened and she nodded her head. “Seven or so years ago, no. But, thanks to the magic of arcane sciences, there is a solution. A magic-infused zebra supplement that, when ingested by the female of the relationship, that’s you, will temporarily allow the eggs to be fertilized by a previously incompatible sapient being. Once the egg, or eggs, are fertilized, the spell will wear off, leaving behind healthy embryos.”

Turnip Time was intrigued. “Really? You seem to know a lot about this.”

Lyra whistled a short note and threw back her head. “You wouldn’t believe how many times the subject has come up.” She and the mare shared a chuckle. “But, there is a side effect.”

The mare gulped and began chewing the tips of her hooves.

“Oh, it’s nothing bad, silly,” Lyra said, waving a hoof dismissively. “It’s just that, because of the nature of magic, the children will always take on the species of the female, while retaining certain instincts from the male. So, sorry if that disappoints you, no mutant pony-human babies in your future.”

“That’s if I can find a way to get his attention,” Turnip pointed out. “Can we discuss those human customs now, please?”

Lyra nodded enthusiastically, ignoring her rumbling stomach. “Definitely. Now, first, you have to understand a few things. One, being that humans come from a world where they are the only intelligent creatures, so a relationship with something else could be seen as… bestiality.”

The mare let her tongue fall out of her mouth in disgust. “I certainly hope he doesn’t see me as some barnyard animal.”

“You’ll also have to understand that there are ponies on their world as well,” Lyra continued. That surprised the mare.

“But you said that they were the only intelligent creature there.”

“Well, they call them ponies anyway,” Lyra said with a shrug, “personally I don’t see too much resemblance. They’re ugly, smelly creatures that roll in their own poop and eat their afterbirth.” They both gagged a bit at that. “But, it’s like calling your pet dog ‘Shirts’, and then going to a clothing store, what’s going to be at the forefront of your mind?”

The mare nodded. “I see how this could make things a little complicated.”

“Don’t worry,” Lyra encouraged her. “Just take things slow and make sure he knows that you like him. Human’s don’t have as subtle a body language as ponies do, so you may want to get a bit creative.”

“Such as?”

“If he brings you flowers, don’t eat them in front of him. Wear some nice things around him, just combing your fur dressing your mane and tail aren’t really going cut it. You’ve got to make sure he knows the effort you’re putting into your appearance is for him. But, please, for the life of me, don’t listen those triple-divorcee published magazines I saw you reading out in the waiting room.”

The mare looked a bit put off. “What? But my friends read them all the…”

“Did you not just hear me say triple-divorcee?” Lyra interrupted her. “That’s who writes and publishes those magazines. Mares and stallions who can’t hold a relationship of their own, but give out advice on it anyway.”

“Then why do you have them?”

“Because my assistants keep bringing them in,” Lyra said with a sigh. “I gave up throwing them out a year ago.”

“They can’t be that bad, can they?”

Lyra gave her an incredulous look. “Tell me, as a mare, do the suggestions and ideas appeal to you?”

Turnip nodded. “Very much so.”

“There’s the problem,” Lyra pointed out. “They really only appeal to one sex. Completely neglecting the fact that a relationship is a two-way street. Look out not for your own interests only, but also the interests of others. Words to live by, Miss Turpentine.”

“Uh, it’s Turnip Time,” the mare pointed out.

“Oh,” Lyra said, looking aside. “I guess I misheard.”

“Oh, I get that a lot,” she dismissed causally.

“I bet,” Lyra said under her breath. “So, anything else you would like to know? We’ve still got some time.”

“You spoke of things I should wear,” Turnip said, thinking back. “What sort of things do humans like their females to wear?”

Using Lyra’s knowledge of humans, Turnip Time would eventually rope her man and settle down to raise a healthy family in Stalliongrad. In her off time, she would write articles for her own relationship magazine that caused the already meager divorce rates of Equestria to plummet into near nonexistence.

Lyra was thrilled when she received a letter a year or so after the appointment that Turnip had given birth to a healthy filly, whom she had named Lyra.
> -6- Monday Part: Six
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Now, sir, I understand this is quite the shocker,” Lyra said, trying to calm her next patient down.

“A shocker?” he demanded. “I’ve just fallen into magic la-la land, was chased by a four headed monster, a bunch of tiny horses rescued me from wolves made of wood, and I can taste the floor through my feet.”

“Sometimes there are complications when people fall through the portals,” Lyra explained hurriedly as she attempted to gather up the multitude of falling flower petals in her magic and burn them with a combustion spell. “Sometimes humans are so incompatible with magic that it alters their bodies in deliberate and extreme ways, tending to copy the most magically inclined specimens in the immediate vicinity.”

“I can taste sunlight, for crying out loud.”

“That what’s called photosynthesis,” Lyra informed him. “It’s very… natural?”

“Is that all you’ve got to say? Aren’t you going to fix this problem?”

“We can’t really cure the condition, sir,” Lyra explained, jumping back as a set of black tentacles involuntarily lashed out at her. “B-but we can try and reverse some of the more extreme points of the transformation.”

“Like the gills?”

Lyra nodded as she cringed in the corner, shielding herself with her baseball bat and clipboard. “Along with the carapace and the bunny ears, sir.”

“What about these stupid flowers?”

“The poison joke will be the first thing removed, sir,” Lyra cried out.

“My name is Phillip.”

“I’ll be sure they give you your mouth back too, Phillip.”

“What?”

“Oh, dear.”

“I don’t have a mouth?”

“Er, no, Phillip. Aaauuugh.” Lyra suddenly found herself hoisted into the air by a back hoof grasped in one of the man’s tentacles. She shrieked in terror as it swung her through the air like a ragdoll.

“Where’s a mirror? I want a mirror.”

“Put me down and I’ll find you one,” Lyra pleaded earnestly. Upon finding herself in solid ground again, Lyra rushed to the nearest bathroom and yanked the mirror off the wall, ignoring the cries of protest from the occupant. “Sorry, sir, I need this.”

“Could you at least close the door? Miss? Hello?”

Lyra practically flew back into her office with the mirror and held it before what she hoped was his face. The roar of horror and disgust was deafening.

“Oh, hell no. What are those things?”

“Those are slimes, they like living in rotten vegetation.”

“What about these? Please tell me that they’re not…”

“I’m sorry, sir’eerrrr, ah, Phillip.”

“And these?”

“I shudder to speculate what you picked up from the depths of Froggy Bottom Bog.”

After that final appointment of the day, Lyra rushed to the spa and took a curative bubble bath for possible poison joke exposure, along with half the ponies from the clinic. A wise business move on Zecora’s part.

Lyra found she could at least take comfort in the fact that Phillip was nowhere near the scariest patient she had ever had to deal with in her career.

> -7- Tuesday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the vigorous warmup that had been Monday, a more alert and ready Lyra set her lunchbox under the small table in the office and began checking her notes before proceeding to call her first appointment of the day.

“So, Mark,” she began, smiling at the older gentleman with the most epic lambchops, “I see your application for citizenship has been approved. Congratulations. I suppose this means you’ll be heading off to the Western Isles, eh?”

He nodded his graying head. “Yes, it was jolly good of you to put in those good words for me, Miss Heartstrings.”

Lyra giggled and rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Think nothing of it, sir. You’re a good man, with a good reputation, hardworking, and all-around swell company. It’s just a little sad that this’ll be our last session. And with you going away now…”

Mark chuckled loudly, his round belly jiggling comically. “Ooohh, come now, Heartstrings. It’s not like I’m going to be gone forever. I just want to do some adventuring into the unknown, if you know what I mean.”

Lyra nodded. “I once considered adventuring. Then, I read Darkest Darkness’s Guide to the Most Terrifying Things in Existence… the rest is history.”

“Oh, yes,” Mark said, reaching into a rucksack that Lyra never saw him without and removing a thick book. Its cover was as black as coal with an ivory picture of a mauled dragon’s skull in the center, just below the blood red title. Darkest Darkness’s Guide to the Most Terrifying things in Existence 7: The Unfinished Western Isles Compendium. “I have been reading up on his work quite a bit as of late.”

Lyra shivered as she looked at the cover. “I bet.”

He continued. “Mr. Rich agreed to finance the voyage after I described some of my successful jobs in South Africa… and after I presented him with a list of artillery manufacturers compiled by my dear friend Pinkie.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask her where she bought that party cannon thing,” Lyra said to herself.

“Oh, that would the Comical Combustion Corporation,” he informed her. “Mr. Rich turned down the idea of weaponized entertainment. Thankfully, the princesses, our other financers, managed to persuade him into constructing an arcade on each of the airships to keep up the crew’s moral.”

“Wow,” Lyra whistled in astonishment. “Even with royalty backing you, that must have cost a quite a few bits.”

“Actually it was fairly under budget,” Mark mused thoughtfully.

“What?” Lyra asked, not quite how that worked.

“We had the lovely Businessmare Rarity help us with our finances,” he said, chuckling at her silly expression. “We managed to utilize a lot more space with various dimensional expansion spell matrixes, cutting down the necessary airships to three, also allowing us to bring aboard paying passengers, including several of our others sponsors.”

“Wait a minute?” Lyra interjected. “Passengers? Don’t they know where you’re going?”

He gave her a dubious look. “Lyra, when a bunch of super wealthy tightwads and over privileged nobles hear about a place of untold riches, they will put sanity aside for a chance at first dibs. Besides, if a few of them don’t make it back, no great loss.”

Lyra wrinkled her nose as if she had just bit something foul. “Mr. Smith. That was just awful.”

“That’s what I told Celestia,” he said with a casual shrug.

“Well, as true as it is, you’re both awful,” Lyra stated with a sigh. “Just don’t tell her I said that.”

“I doubt you’d be punished, she’d most likely just make up  a few more quips.”

“That’s why you won’t tell her,” Lyra pointed out with a humph. “So, any plans before you leave?”

“Ah, yes,” Mark nodded. “Pinkie is going to throw me a Bon Voyage Party Wednesday night. Then I shall leave for Canterlot, Thursday afternoon. Saturday, I shall be taking off aboard the flagship, Riveting Excursion, to begin the first leg of the journey west.”

“I’ll be there for the party,” Lyra said with sniff. She was going to miss him. “And I’ll do my best to see you off at the train station on Thursday.”

“You and half the town,” Mark said with rumbling laughter.

“The price of popularity, what can you do?” Lyra asked with a shrug.

“Oh, did I tell you that Daring Do is going with us as well?”

“Really?”

So, apparently Darkest Darkness was Daring Do’s grandfather. Upon hearing about the expedition, she had practically begged the princesses to let her join the voyage. It was unnecessary, considering they were trying to contract her help anyway. However, with her assistance came the added cost her standard archeological equipment. In bulk.

One thousand sledgehammers, six tons of plastic explosives, five hundred prybars, and twenty extra pith hats.

When asked why she hadn’t attempted to go to the Western Isles beforehand in search of the cause for her grandfather’s demise, she replied:

“Because I am nowhere stupid enough to not go in without an army backing me up.”

Fans of the series eagerly await her next book.

> -8- Tuesday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And how's my favorite little carnivore today?" Lyra cheerily chuckled as she tossed a special treat to her next appointment.

The little creature giggled as she leapt into the air and snatched the shortbread cube out of the air. Like Philip from the previous day, though not at all terrifying, this little human had been incompatible with Equus's natural magic, and so had been transformed into a unique hybrid between an earth pony and a wolverine.

That part had intrigued Fluttershy, considering wolverines were supposed to be indigenous to the northern regions. Also, it caused some hysteria from overprotective parents.

Smiling, Lyra laid down and used her magic to set the filly between her forelegs. This patient loved to cuddle.

"So, Jessi," she asked as the child snuggled in close, "what would you like to talk about today? Want to play with toys while we do that?"

Without waiting for an answer, as if she really needed one, Lyra levitated a small toy chest out from a corner and turned it upside down. Now, Lyra was a bright mare, and her insight into various cultures, ages and genres made her quite knowledgeable into what people liked. Which was why she had thrown all the cheap, unimaginative and break-as-soon-as-they-come-out-of-the-box toys that her benefactors had donated into the garbage and used her own money to purchase real toys.

Some of her least favorite memories were those trips to the hospital her with one or both of her parents, and having to sit down in the little kids area to play with those toys grownups thought kids liked. Weren't they kids once? Sometimes she wondered.

Anyway, she watched as Jessi's sparkling eyes looked upon the glorious treasures, same as every week she came in. These were no toy trains on twisted rails, or wooden blocks, or even those coloring books that were a mess of scribbles. No, these were quality items, plushies made of minky from the minotaur homeland of Minos(1), a metal train set from Detrot, action figures made from reinforced silicone with chip-resistant paint, and self-erasing coloring books that could never be completed.

Jessi grabbed her favorite plushie, Little Woona(2), and chose a cooling book at random. It was hard not to d'aww like an old grandmare at a nursery when you saw the little girl nomming the plushie's ear with her sharp incisors and coloring in a picture of Queen Chyrsalis screaming while a flyswatter descends upon her(3).

"Or I could just watch you being adorable the whole time," Lyra chuckled, nuzzling the top of her head.

"My brother says that we'll be leaving soon," the little girl piped up, not wanting it to be quiet. Quiet was awful. It usually meant someone was watching you sneak treats. Noise was safe.

"Well," Lyra said, blowing as a few strands of her mane that had fallen to her face, "you might have left sooner if he hadn't tried setting Harvest's carrot fields on fire. Then proceeded to yank up every fence post on her property. After which, he resisted arrest, assaulted a guard, and help Mayor Mare hostage."

"Yeah," Jessi sighed dramatically, "everyone was upset that day."

Lyra shrugged. "He was just being a big brother, Jessi. You and he arrived here, alone and... well... transformed in what must have been a rather shocking fashion, and he was scared to death for your safety. When you made the decision to sneak out of the hiding place in the Everfree and play with the CMC, he thought you had been kidnapped by the native population."

"I was going to come back," Jessi stated, sounding as though she had explained this numerous times. "And I was going to bring home some candy that Twist gave me."

"As good as your intentions were," Lyra started, grabbing a coloring book for herself and choosing a picture of Discord causing Chaos(4), "it still caused your brother to commit various crimes. Fortunately, we ponies are an understanding lot, and simply chose to have him repair everything he damaged. Though, I think refiling Mayor Mare's filing cabinets is what took up the bulk of time."

"No amount of sorrys got him out of that one," Jessi giggled.

"Sometimes I worry about your outlook on life," Lyra dryly commented in passing. She as a little busy giving Discord a ghastly makeup job. She remembered when he had escaped. Big Mac, who had his brains temporarily scrambled at the time, had licked her up and down and gave her a dead possum. That possum gave her a personal vendetta against that mismatched jerk.

"You shouldn't laugh at your brother's misfortune," she chided the child. "He loves you very much, and he's paying the price for it."

Jessi's ears fell a little, but she remained silent, going back to chewing on the plushie's ear and coloring. Lyra didn't pursue the subject anymore, it was just food for thought. Jessi wasn't a bad girl, she just didn't quite know when a certain response was inappropriate to a subject.

"I'll need to come in Monday, next week, Jessi," she said after waiting an appropriate amount of time. Which, coincidentally, was the amount of time it had taken to give Discord a bra and elevator high heels. "It'll be our final session together, before the mages synchronize a portal to take you both home."

Jessi stopped what she was doing and gave Lyra a hug, which was swiftly returned. "I'm gonna miss you Miss Hearty."

Lyra kissed the top of her head and chuckled. "I'm gonna miss you too, Jessi. But, think of your poor family. You've been gone for six whole months. Just imagine how excited your parents will be to see you. huh? Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

Jessi nodded, sniffing as tears threatened to escape her eyes. "Will I ever see you again?"

"I hope so," Lyra replied reassuringly. "Never give up hope kid. Never."

(1) Everything has to be tough there.
(2) Rumor has it that Celestia is responsible. Luna's only comment is that she get's half the profits.
(3) A certain Princess of Love and her consort are suspected, but they won't stop laughing to give a straight answer.
(4) For some reason, it was never the same twice.
> -9- Tuesday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Two drunks sat at a bar atop a skyscraper, overlooking Lake Michigan, When one of the drunks leans over to the other and says:

"'Did you know, that the winds coming off of Lake Michigan are so strong that, if you were to jump over the railings, it would pick you back up and drop you right back up here?'

"To which the other drunk responded:

"'No. Couldn't be. That's just talk.'

"'No, it's true,' responded the first drunk. 'Watch, I shall prove it.'

"Before anyone could stop him, the first drunk walked over tot he railing and leapt over. Sure enough, he fell a ways, and then floated on back up and landed back on the roof. The other drunk was astounded.

"'That was incredible,' he said, rubbing his eyes and looking over the first drunk in awe. 'let me try it.'

"So the other drunk rushed to the railing in excitement and leapt off. They had to use a firehouse to clean him off the sidewalk below. So the first drunk sits back down at the bar and orders another drink, to which the bartender comments:

"'You know, Clark Kent, you're one mean drunk."

Lyra burst out laughing, going so far as to accidentally tip her chair backwards and roll across the floor, practically squealing like a mouse on helium. "Oh-ho-ho-ho! Cameron, that's one of the most horribly awesome things I've heard today. And Mark Smith was in here earlier, so that's saying something."

The young man sitting across from her chuckled at her humored convulsions, all the while twirling a yo-yo about in small circles. "I thought you would like it, Lyra."

When the laughter had finally subsided to snickers and hiccups, the good anthropologist set her back upright and sat back down and grabbed her clipboard. "I am writing this one down."

"I'm surprised you know who Clark Kent is," Cameron commented dryly whilst performing a shoot-the-moon(1).

Lyra put a hoof to her breast in mock offense. "Le gasp, young man. I, Dr. Lyra Heartstrings, the most recognized anthropologist in the world, not know of Superman and his alter ego? For shame." She giggled and cleared her throat. "More than humans fall through those portals, kid. Heck, the Canterlot Museum of Natural History has an entire wing that they're filling out quite nicely. You should go see it."

"Might do that at some point," he replied with a shrug.

"Why can't you act this way outside of my office?" Lyra implored him. "You're fun to be around. Ponies would love to your friend if you just gave them a chance."

Cameron looked away and performed an elevator. To which Lyra sighed.

"The mage's will be ready to send you back home by Friday, Cameron," said with a shake of her head. "Although, I must point out, it's not too late to apply for citizenship. Equestria's not a bad place. It's not as hard a world as earth. You could come to like it if you gave it a chance."

The man shook his head. "No. Earth is familiar, I'll cope better there."

"While I do respect your decisions, I will point out that it obviously hasn't treated you very well," Lyra pointed out, remembering their first meeting. "You came in here, kicking and screaming, claiming that you'd gone insane, begging for help against technicolored demons. That entire session was practically me hugging you until you calmed down." Lyra sighed wearily. "Not that I minded. Hugs are always good."

"I'm surrounded by small, friendly horses," Cameron explained slowly. "This cannot be good for my psyche."

"I understand," Lyra stated, biting back the urge to gag at being compared to one of those hideous beasts. "Let's talk about something else then."

Jut like ponies, humans could be complicated and hard to understand. Even for the world's greatest anthropologist.

(1) Look up yoyotricks.com. It is an awesome site.
> -10- Tuesday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, Pipsqueak, how's your anthropophobia(1)?" Lyra asked the little colt.

The colt in question twiddled his hooves nervously as he looked down at the cushion he sat upon. "I think it's getting better, Miss Heartstrings. Mr. Smith didn't scare me as much as usual."

"I'll admit," Lyra said thinking back to when she had first met the man. "Him just marching right into the center of town while playing his bagpipes with a shotgun strapped to his back and a machete at his hip was not a very good first impression for your first introduction to a human." If not incredibly fun, but Lyra kept that bit to herself.

"There weren't any humans in Trottingham," Pip went on to say, stealing a quick glance out the window, just in case a scary human was peering inside. "My mum and da decided to move here after their business started floundering. At first I thought it might be fun to see one of those humans everypony talked about. But... when I saw... him. He was covered in dirt, with those scars on his face, and making that terrifying horrible racket."

Horrible racket? Lyra suppressed her annoyance. Bagpipes were awesome. "We covered the root of the problem last week, Mr. Exposition. Today I would like to talk to try a little exercise with you, if that's alright."

Pipsqueak nodded and gave her his full attention. "Alright. What do I 'ave to do?"

"We'll start simple," Lyra said, lighting up her horn. "Shake my hand."

Poor Pipsqueak scrambled against the back of the couch in terror as a the golden appendage flew up to him. "Aaah! It's all wiggly, and disembodied. Kill it. Kill it with fire."

Lyra rolled her eyes. "Come on. It's just a magical construct. Besides, minotaurs have them as well."

"They're scary too," Pipsqueak protested loudly.

Lyra couldn't argue with that logic, but nevertheless.

"Just shake the hand, it won't hurt you."

"No!"

"Shake it."

"No!"

"Shake it."

"No!"

"I said shake it."

"Never."

"People are going to mistake you for a racist if you don't get over this."

"I don't care."

"That's it, you asked for it."

With a growl, Lyra summoned another hand and launched thrust them at the colt. His cries of distress soon turned into raucous laughter as the ethereal appendages tickled him his hooves and belly. Lyra leaned to the side resting her head on a hoof as she watched him flail about, unable to escape from the immobilizing effect of the nimble digits.

She let up her assault when it seemed like he was about ready to pass out from lack of oxygen.

"What did we learn?" Lyra asked, after letting him catch his breath.

"That hands... are... treacherous things," Pipsqueak gasped out, the color starting to return to his smiling face.

"Indeed they are," Lyra chuckled, using the magical constructs to scratch behind her ears. "So? Do you think that they are dangerous?"

"Well, they did immobilize me," he pointed out. A withering glance from Lyra made him flinch. "But, they're not as sharp and claw like as I thought they would be. At least I'm not torn to shreds."

"You got over the idea Nightmare Moon was going to gobble your backside in less than one night," Lyra pointed out. "How is it that it's taken you two whole months, living around humans, to progress just this far."

"Mr. Smith is scary," Pip returned sharply.

"He's done nothing wrong," Lyra cried out in exasperation. "Besides, he's leaving before the end of the week on an expedition for the crown." She emphasized that last bit to attempt, perhaps mentioning the princesses' trust in him would help him understand a few things.

"Well, maybe the others humans won't seem so scary when he's gone," Pip muttered, crossing his hooves in front of his chest obstinately.

Lyra could only sigh in frustration. But, perhaps Mr. Smith leaving would be best for the young colt. "We'll see about that, Pipsqueak, we'll see."

(1) Yes, this is a real thing that people have.
> -11- Tuesday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having finished her lunch, Lyra put it's container back under the table and tossed the greasy wrapper in the wastebasket. A step up from yesterday. Three victory claps.

"And how was your visit to Fillydelphia?" she asked her after-lunch appointment.

"It went as well as was to be expected," the middle-aged woman said with a big grin. "The doctors were right, a change of scenery was just the right thing for my health."

Lyra wrote something down and nodded. "And how was the Department of Anthropology  over there?"

The woman gave a small shrug. "I guess they were okay. But they kept consulting books and the sessions just seemed to drag on forever."

"Ugh," Lyra rolled her eyes in distaste. "I should have just given you a permission slip so you wouldn't even have to bother with them. They probably set your cultural adjustment back a month's work of progress."

"It wasn't that bad."

Lyra pointed an accusing hoof at her. "Don't you defend them, Alice. They they're taking their job too seriously, and ground our progress to a halt."

"I'm over most of the culture shock," Alice protested.

"Then why is your chest so much smaller than I remember," Lyra said with a huff.

Face turning red, Alice crossed her arms in front of her shirt and sulked. "Okay, fine. I wrapped my boobs in bandages to keep from being stared at like a cow on it's hindlegs."

Lyra sighed and shook her head. "It's not healthy for your breasts to be compressed like that for over-extended periods of time, Alice. That's how you get an early onset of cooper's droopers."

"At least they're not being stared at."

"The shear fact that your an alien from another dimension is reason enough for ponies to stare at you," Lyra cried out in exasperation. "Your mammary glands have very little to do with it in fact. Heck, I betcha they're wondering why they've seemed to have shrunk all of a sudden."

A light suddenly seemed to come on in Alice's head, and her face turned red as a beat. "Ooh. So that's what that stallion meant when he asked if Milky Way had a new business partner. I think I'm starting to get the picture."

Lyra's face suddenly turned red as well. "Well, that's not really what I was getting at. I was thinking more along the lines that maybe they thought you were in an accident." She rubbed the back of her head with a nervous smile on her face. "Leeet's just move on from this subject, okay? Alice?"

Alice nodded.

"Good. Just undo those bandages and remember, sports bras are for sports." She let out a polite cough and turned the page on her clipboard. Not seeing a viable subject there, she turned it again. "Ah. Why don't we discuss how your daycare job is going?"

"Oh, yes," Alice sighed in relief as she began unraveling the bandages from under her shirt. "It's been great. The kids... er... the foals are always really excited to see me."

"Both 'kids' and 'foals' work just fine," Lyra informed her. "So, no form of apprehension from the children, or other workers?"

Alice tossed the bandages in the wastebasket and leaned back on the couch. "Not that I can tell. In fact, it sometimes seems that the other workers are encouraging the kids to play or cuddle with me. I can apparently keep them busy for quite a while."

"And why not?" Lyra said aloud with a chuckle. "I don't know of one, er, two kids, who wouldn't want to hang out with a kindly alien. Plus, when they get tired, they get to cuddle up with someone who doesn't shed fur that gets in their mouths."

Alice giggled and looked down at her smooth skin. "It's actually a very nice atmosphere. I remember back on earth, you just about had to handle the kids with tongs and hazmat suits."

Lyra tilted her head to the side. "Come again?"

Alice groaned as she thought back. "One of the rules back home was that we were never to hug or show any form of affection to the children in the daycare or school systems."

Lyra was perplexed. "What? Pardon the expression, but that's inhumane. Children need affection. They need to know that adults are there for when they need them."

"That may be so," Alice said, frowning deeply. "But, if you did that, your license would be suspended, and you would be under investigation to see if you're a child sex-offender."

Lyra scowled deeply and stamped a hoof on her cushion. "That's wrong on so many levels. Hugs are in no way sexual."

"The government and the soccer moms looking to sue don't care."

"but-but," Lyra said, her head spinning from the concept. "Hugs are amongst the most sacred signs of friendship and kindness ever created. It's how you tell your loved ones that you'll always be their to help with their struggles. Who would want to take that away."

"The government doesn't want to take it away," Alice said, "they just want to fine you when you do it so that they can buy a new Mercedes."

"I think I want to go back to talking about boobs again," Lyra muttered as she sunk down into the cushion. "No wonder Cameron's such a wreck." She thought back to his visit. He wanted so badly to go back to a hard world, rather than accept that there was a place where affection and love practically oozed out of the dirt. At least, she figured that was a fair comparison.

"Well, I think Pinkie Pie is still convinced that human girls just like stuffing balloons down their shirts," Alice teased, having heard Lyra.

Lyra knew when to drop a subject, she new when it would never end well. This was not one of those times. "Did I ever tell you about the first time Pinkie ever met a woman?"

Thus came the story as to why Pinkie was required to daily recite fifty things she was not allowed to do upon meeting a human.
> -12- Tuesday Part: Six
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Come on, Tuesdays aren't bad," Lyra told protested.

"Oh yeah? Name one good thing about them?"

"It's the day that time began," Lyra said matter-of-factly. "Not many people know that you know."

"And you expect me to believe that?"

"Well, all you have to do is prove me wrong," she returned with a mischievous grin.

"Do all of your predictions have an accuracy of up to three days?"

"All except that one summer five or so years ago," Lyra said, making a dramatic show of thinking back. That got her a laugh.

"W-well, when are you gonna be able to predict the future?"

"Next Monday." She was rewarded with an even bigger laugh. "Try and tell me Tuesdays are bad now, Timmy."

The young boy in his tweens chuckled and shook his head. "You win, doc."

"As usual," Lyra said with absolutely no hint of modesty. "So, today's going to be really simple. This is mainly just a required formality, I'm just going to ask you a few questions about your new family, and how you're adjusting."

"The Cakes are very nice," Timmy replied with a grin. "Mr. Cake even took me fishing yesterday."

"Well, they gotta make sure that the latest addition to their growing family get's his protein." Lyra wrote that down. "Fishing is always is great bonding experience between a father and child. I remember my father taking me on several little trips." She leaned forward and put a hoof to the side of her muzzle as if telling a secret. "Of course, we made sure mama was out of the house so we could cook and eat it."

"Mrs. Cake didn't say anything but she did look a little green," Timmy said thoughtfully.

"Unless pregnant, most mares have an aversion to fish," Lyra said with a chuckle at certain memories. She put a hoof to her chest and tipped her chin up proudly. "I, of course, am one of the few exceptions to that." She chuckled to herself, while Timmy appeared nonplussed. "I also see you still call them Mr. and Mrs. Cake. May I ask why?"

Timmy got a faraway look in his eye and he looked aside. "Well. I'm still getting used to the idea of living in one place, instead of jumping from foster to foster home."

"Have they expressed any dissatisfaction with this?"

"Well, they haven't really said anything, but Mrs. Cake seems to sigh a lot," he replied, scratching the back of his head.

"Good," Lyra said, writing something down. "That means they're not trying to pressure you into anything."

"It kind of feels like I'm disappointing them, though," Timmy said in a guilty tone.

"Then what's holding you back?" Lyra inquired, leaning back and placing her front hooves together patiently.

Timmy thought for a moment before replying. "Have you ever... have you ever had some people, or ponies, tell you that they were your best friends, build you up, fill you with hope, and then are invited to a  party, or whatever..."

"...And then they pull the rug out from under you just so they can laugh at your misery," Lyra finished for him, a dark scowl etched on her brow. She clenched her jaw as she repressed baring her teeth. "It's amongst one of the most wicked things in the world."

"Miss Heartstrings?" Timmy asked, growing nervous as he watched her tremble a little.

"I think that's enough for today, Timmy," she replied in a low tone. "I'm going to make a house call at Sugarcube Corner on Saturday. I'll put you all through a couple bonding exercises to help you get over your fear. Rest assured, Timmy, the Cakes would never do such a thing to one they love so much."

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," came the all too eerily calm response. "Run along home, Timmy. Give your family some hugs and kisses, and I shall see you Saturday."

Timmy hesitantly got up and then left in a hurry, leaving the good doctor alone in silence.

After a few minutes, Lyra used her magic to ensure the door was locked before she sniffed loudly and curled up in a ball to cry. She wanted to scream, but all that would come out were little sobs that made her want to throw up. Two simple phrases were all she could manage.

"I'm so sorry, big brother. Please f-forgive me."
> -13- Wednesday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesdays were different days.

"I would say 'good morning', Lyra,  but it seems like you didn't sleep very well," mused the pegasus stallion under the brown bowler.

One disheveled anthropologist blew her stuffy nose into a tissue and ran a few waves of magic through her mane to try and assemble a reasonable image of professionalism. Which failed spectacularly. She blew a raspberry and flicked her tail in annoyance.

"I didn't go home last night, wound up sleeping in my office."

The pegasus thoughtfully starred at her for a moment. "Did something remind you...?"

"Yes," Lyra sharply cut him off, looking aside.

The pegasus sighed. "Shall I schedule a session after you're done visiting the patients in my asylum?"

"That would be a good, yes," Lyra replied with a nod. "Now, may I see this Wednesday's cases that are in need of the Department's aid, Dr. Fritz?"

"Of course," Dr. Fritz replied, hoofing over a few files. "It's only three today. Ones our on-staff anthropologists simply can't seem to get heads-or-tails of."

"Phew, I was a little worried Thrandor was on the list," Lyra sighed in relief as she look at the files held in her magic.

"Oh, no-no, he's been very cooperative and calm," Fritz explained with a smile. "In fact, he seems to spend most of his time... meditating, I think. Also, he won't stop muttering about the Force."

Lyra just rolled her eyes. "He's a displaced, what do you expect? He believes he's in some sort of chess game of the gods. At least he isn't trying to seduce everything with a pulse."

"Memories of Bob?"

"Unfortunately. Now who should I see first?"


*	*	*


"This was a mistake," Lyra muttered while yawning.

"It's the gub'ment, I tells ya," said the bearded old man in a tinfoil pirate cap. "They'b know'd about it for yearth. Little horsey aliens, colorful like an LSD trip. That'th why they wanna crack down on all the drug tradings, cause they don't want any to stumble upon thith dimension of crystal delight."

Lyra hated it when this happened. As an anthropologist, she had some training in psychology, but not to a professional extent. But that didn't stop Dr. Fritz and his staff from dumping human nutcases in her lap every now and then. All so they wouldn't have to deal with trying to juggle pony and human cultural norms around the extreme cases. This was so not in her job description.

The only good part was that she received excellent compensation for these extracurricular sessions. Even if that didn't entirely outweigh the bad.

"Well, a government is funding this alright," Lyra said offhandedly. She didn't really care at this point. Just as long as the patient didn't attempt to bite her. The mittens strapped to his hands helped to put her at ease.

""Shee? I know'd it. They'd all done said ah was crazy. But, I didn't listen. Ah told them there was little horsies behind those mysterious disapearances."

Lyra didn't even bat an eye. It was only natural that the poor humans that were pulled from their own world would start telling stories once they returned. Memory wipe spells were both illegal and immoral, and giving them cover stories would just wind up making everything more complicated and troublesome. It was best to just let them go back and figure things out for themselves, after receiving aid for any cultural shock or physical trauma that may have occurred upon arrival in Equestria.

Apparently no one really took them seriously. Other than conspiracy nuts.

"They're funding et, this 'ole thin', using our tax dolla's agin' us," the man went on to say. "I know'd it wath a great idea to drop off the radar."

"I'm pretty sure that would require to have been in it in the first place," Lyra muttered, even though she knew this really wasn't going to get through. "And, believe me no tax money is touching you."

"You ain't foolin' me, witch horse. Even aliens gotta use a currency o' some sort. Probably where all the money at Fort Knox really goes, innit?"

Lyra had considered jumping out a window and screaming at multiple points in her career, and this was no different. The thought of all that pain and stitches that would follow was all that kept her from actually doing it. "I will concede the point that I am indeed an alien, but I will not be compared to those disgusting creatures, you hear me?"

"Et's what you are, don't you denae it," the man said, flailing his arms about wildly. "Ooouuchiee."

Lyra had rolled up the man's file into a baton and promptly began smacking him with it. "I will deny it till hell freezes over and the heavens turn to dust."

"Horse, horse, horse, horse."

"Aaarrrgh," Lyra hissed between clenched teeth. "Let me just try and set you straight on a few things," she checked the name, "Billy."

She cleared her throat before beginning her lecture. "No government is in any way responsible for this extradimensional inconvenience, and no tax dollars go anywhere near taking care of the humans that appear." Lyra groaned when she saw the cluelessness in his eyes. No one would question her if she just walked out the room and went on to her next patient. But, she would try anyway.

"It's called the Human Fund," she explained softly. "Humans aren't the only things that get pulled over, so, when we find something that's marketable over here, we ensure ten percent of all the proceeds go to helping you humans throughout your initial shock and/or recovery. That also includes housing, medical, and paying the mages to construct their energy-draining portals."

Lyra had seen enough humans off to know that those mages earned their pay. Quite often it took at least five to create and hold open a single portal for just a few seconds.

"The books and stage plays alone bring in a king's ransom annually," Lyra mused, thinking back with a faint hint of a smile on her face. "I remember when I was just a filly, due to my prestigious skill with the lyre, I participated in the orchestra pit in Canterlot Symphony Hall during the Phantom of the Opera. My parents were so proud."

Billy's response to that was about what Lyra had expected.

"You jes' a'mitted yo're a prestigiousious liar and yet ya still expect me ta just keep calm and turtht you infernal creatures. When I break loose, I'm gonna tell the whooole worl' and they'll rise up and tear you down from yer golden pedestal."

Lyra didn't react. She kept a calm face as she gathered up her papers and files and calmly left the room. This was not her job, but she could explain some points of human culture the patient wouldn't stop going on about.

Sometimes humans just couldn't be reasoned with, and had to stay or else endanger themselves or their fellow beings. A sad state of affairs that even ponies were subject to too. At least they were well cared for.
> -14- Wednesday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Please don't let them eat me, I'll do anything you want. Just don't let them get me."

Lyra had been on both the giving and receiving end of many hugs. But this one felt awkward. It wasn't the fact that the person hugging her was a human female, nor was it the fact that she was obviously mentally disturbed (though that was definitely a factor in the whole of the situation). No, it was the fact that this woman apparently thought that clothing was optional.

Which it was.

It was a rather conflicted feeling of awkwardness. Other than her formal wear she kept in a drawer at home, she was naked all the time too. But, having never seen a human in the nude, other than her textbooks, it felt... off.

Not that it was unpleasant. Heavens no. The other side of the conflicting awkwardness was fascination. But she was a professional, most of the time, and would not pull a Rainbow Dash(1). Besides, she was comfy, why ruin the moment with science?

"There-there, Julia," Lyra said, patting the woman's shoulder. "No one going to hurt you. We're safe here."

"No we're not," Julia cried, burring her face into Lyra's messy mane. "I can hear them, they're crawling in the walls. Can't hear them chewing on the insulation?"

Lyra felt uncomfortable in her embrace all of a sudden. "Eh-he. What do you mean? I thought you were upset about the staff. They can be a little mean."

"Well, they are," the woman cried, "but they're nowhere as scary as those creatures. They won't stop following me. Even in this world, they keep hunting me."

Lyra wasn't so concerned with the imaginary monsters as she was with the increasing pressure being applied to her spine. "Maybe they'll go away if you ignore them, Julia. So, why don't we both a take a deep breath and you just loosen your grip so I don't strain my lungs."

She was immediately released.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," the woman cried, covering her face with her hands. "I'm always messing up. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Lyra groaned internally. Now she had guilt. "It's okay, Julia. Really. Please, look at me. Com'on, look at me. That's it." She grasped a hanky in her magic and used it to wipe away the woman's tears. "It's okay, Julia. It's okay. I'm not upset with you."

"Y-you aren't?" the woman asked, sniffing.

Lyra smiled warmly and shook her head. "Of course not. Are things not sitting well with you here at Plum High Asylum? I'm here to help, you know."

Julia looked aside. "I-it's fine."

Lyra was not convinced. "Listen, sister. I can tell things are not to your liking. And, other than your obsession with things living in the walls, you don't seem like a hopeless case." She trotted over and sat down beside the woman rested a hoof on her shoulder. "Now, tell me what's bothering you."

"I don't like being naked," Julia blurted out.

Lyra just nodded. "A very common thing amongst humans. We ponies respect that. But, then, why are you in the buff?"

"I'm just trying to fit in," was the quiet reply. "None of you wear anything, so... I figured it would help me get along better with everyone here. I think it just made them hate me more."

"Who hates you?" Lyra almost demanded, brandishing her clipboard.

"I don't know," Julia sighed. "I just hear them whispering when my back is turned." She turned to face Lyra. "Are we humans really disgusting creatures to you."

Lyra bristled. "No," she stated firmly, her voice filled with honesty. "Not to say I haven't seen some ugly ones, but, no, humans, in general, are beautiful creatures. And you are no exception, Julia."

The woman smiled a bit and looked away, blushing. The next thing she knew, a Lyra was draping a sheet around her.

"There you go," Lyra chuckled. "That oughta do just fine until you get your own clothes back on."

"Th-thank you," Julia said, giving Lyra a hug.

"No prob', girl," Lyra said, returning the embrace. "You're human, behave human. Besides, I'm sure most of those nasty words were from mares, am I right?"

"They certainly didn't sound male," Julia replied.

Lyra nodded in understanding. "Yeah. Best keep those clothes on, Julia. There's no need to tease the other inmates and the male staff. Or else, we may have to turn on the sprinkle system to cool everyone off."

They both shared a polite chuckle.

"So," Lyra began, "think you can go back to adjusting just fine now? Behaving like a human is supposed to?"

Julia nodded. "I think so."

"Good," Lyra said, crossing some stuff off of her clipboard. "Remember, be yourself, and don't worry yourself over a few misanthropes. Just as long as keep to their bratty gossip to themselves, you can switch all the sweetener for salt and laugh at their misery till they quit."

Lyra devious grin grew to near Cheshire proportions. Julia's came close.

"Would that be wise?" she asked the mint pony.

Lyra rolled her eyes. "You're in a home for psychos and nutcases, wisdom's got nothing to do with it. Have fun."

"But, what about the squirrels?" Julia asked, looking around warily.

Lyra tilted her head to the side, confused. "What squirrels?"

"The ones that are trying to eat me," Julia said as if it was common knowledge. "The ones that are chewing on the insulation."

"Squirrels?" Lyra repeated quietly. "That's what you're afraid of?"

"Of course," Julia said, hugging her knees. "I can see them skittering about in the corners of my eyes, and hear them. They're watching me, waiting for me to lower my guard so that they can eat me alive."

The lightbulb came on in Lyra's head. She looked at the clipboard. "Ooooh. So that's what severe sciurophobia is. Huh? Learn something new everyday." That was definitely a bad thing to have anywhere in Equestria. Those little rodents were everywhere.

"Well, I'm not that kind of doctor," Lyra said with a shrug. "I was called in to help you adjust better to pony society. Sorry."

"It's okay," Julia sighed. "The doctors here say it's all in my head anyway, but..."

"But it's like being scared of heights," Lyra cut her off, "even if you had a rope holding onto you, as well as metal railing, and nets below, you still wouldn't go anywhere near the cliff. Am I right?"

Julia nodded. They both shared another hug before the woman left and Lyra awaited her next patient.

Julia would be given a clean bill of health a year later thanks to what could only be described as Squirrel Stew Therapy(2). Thanks to Lyra's prankster advice, Julia got creative and eventually invited to join the Equestrian Secret Society of Pranksters(3). Which, maybe coincidentally, led her, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie to become fast friends. By another coincidence, Lyra seemed to be the only pony in town spared the trio's antics.

	(1) Everyone heard about her meeting with A. K. Yearling.
(2) They couldn't exactly serve beef, could they? And, no, Fluttershy was not upset. What do you think she fed her carnivore friends?
(3) Their founder, dubbed the Lord of Knock'n'Bolt, is known only by her super-secret codename: Sunny Buns.
> -15- Wednesday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Bark-bark, woof."

Lyra just sighed and gave the final appointment of her Wednesday routine a smile and a couple pats on the head. "How's it going Screwy? You been a good girl? Have you?"

The poor mare, known fondly all over town as Screwloose, let out a yip of joy and snuggled up against Lyra's side, licking her ear whilst wagging her tail like a dog. Lyra put a hoof about her neck and rested her chin atop the blue mare's head, rocking gently from side-to-side. 

Screwloose relaxed for a moment in the familiar embrace of a friend. But, that didn't last long, she wriggled free and began sniffing around the doctor's hooves and torso.

"Sorry, girl," Lyra said with a shake of her head. "No treats this time."

Screw Loose let out a whimper and let her ears droop. Her tail tapped on the floor expectantly.

Lyra knew exactly what she wanted. "No, Screwy, that is my box lunch. It's not even a home-cooked meal, because I never went home last night." She threw her head back and groaned. "To make things worse, when I get back home, my landlord is going to throw a fit. There's going to be a lecture on why sleeping in a proper bed is good for you, and why a proper lunch does not consist of deep-fried Twinkies and ho-hos. But I got some fries with it, some vegies oughta even it all out, right? I swear, sometimes she seems more like my grandma."

Lyra looked back at Screwloose only to find her now just a few inches away from her face. Instead of jumping back in shock, she gagged and choked a bit. "Phew, girl, what have you been eating?" She used her magic to pry open the mare's mouth and gaze inside.

It was full of gold teeth and fillings. A necessary measure. Pony teeth were amongst the strongest in the world, earth pony's especially, allowing them to carry objects that might otherwise be considered harmful. But, constant chewing on rocks, sticks, bones, and Quills and Sofas'(1) furniture were not on the list of things a pony should do with them.

Lyra narrowed her eyes and leaned in closer. "Aaah, Screwy. Why?" She closed the mare's mouth and waved a hoof in front of her snout in disgust. "I don't care what anypony says, stinky tofu is not food. Where'd you even get that anyway? A dumpster? Only place it belongs."

Not liking how slow things were progressing, Screw Loose brought out the big guns. She promptly leapt forward, tackling the mint mare to the ground and began licking her face.

Lyra laughed despite the smell. "Aaaugh. That's not fair, Screwy. Stop it. Please. Ah-ha-ha-hee-ha. Pleeease, nooo, not the ears. Ugh. That's going to take forever to wash out. Okay, okay, I'll give you a Twinkie."

Her job done, the mare leapt off Lyra and sat down with a smug grin on her face.

Lyra quickly surrendered one of the sugary delights to the joyful mare. Then something happened. The mare's messing chewing started to slow down and she swayed from side-to-side for a moment than remained still.

Lyra gasped a leaned forward towards the mare expectantly. "Screwy? You there? Come on out. It's me, Lyra, your friend. You remember me, don't you?"

"Ly-ra," the mare said slowly, opening her eyes and staring at the mint figure. "What are you doing here?" She looked about the room in bewilderment. "Where am I?"

Lyra didn't answer, she just waited for the tumblers to click.

The frosty mare deflated and let out a sad moan. "Ooooh. It happened again, didn't it?"

Lyra nodded compassionately as she lade a hoof upon Screwy's shoulder. "Yeah. Are you gonna be okay?"

Screwloose shook her head. "No. Of course I'm not alright. I brain keeps flipping outta whack and I become a dog. What did I do this time to wind up in here? Usually they just let me run around until it runs its course." She tilted her head to the side and looked intently at Lyra. "Something involving humans, or else you wouldn't be here."

Lyra was genuinely hurt. "Aaah, Screwy. You know I'd visit you even if it there wasn't a human involved, right?"

Screwloose let out a long sigh and nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm just upset. How long have I been here?"

"The paperwork says since yesterday," Lyra said, ears drooping.

Screwloose sniffed and closed her eyes tightly. "That means my little filly had to go to sleep without her goodnight story and lullaby."

Lyra pulled her friend into a gentle hug. "It's going to be okay now, Screwy. We'll get you checked out of here and you can go smother her with all that maternal affection you've got bottled up inside of you."

"Just try and stop me," Screwloose managed to chuckle as she leaned into the hug. Ponies were very social creatures, these displays of affection amongst friends were practically expected in their culture(2).

"So," she asked, "what did I do that was so bad they locked me up in here?"

Lyra cringed a bit before explaining. "You bit a guy."

Screwloose tensed up. "But, they say I've bitten people before(3), and I never got sent here. W-what happened this time."

"Do you remember where you were yesterday," Lyra asked softly.

Screwloose concentrated a minute. "Let's see, Almond Cracker said he felt like having a picnic, to which I agreed. I packed us a lunch... uh, an apple cobbler, some orange juice, grilled cheese sandwiches, and a jar of milk to go with some cookies. I carried the basket while Almond carried Archer and the blanket. Plenty of ponies and humans at the park... I heard someone crying, then... I guess... I don't know."

Lyra nodded and patted her softly. "That was probably when your brain flipped. What apparently happened was a misunderstanding. A colt, who had been chasing a Frisbee, ran into a man, who then thought he was being attacked by quote: 'some Everfree freak of nature'. He turned around ready to fight back.

"When you turned to see what was wrong, you mistook the man's poise for him about to strike the colt, then your maternal instincts kicked into high gear," Lyra said, patting her friend's head reassuringly. "Apparently everyone thought it would be a good idea to just put you someplace quiet until you calmed down and reverted back."

"But why here?" Screwloose demanded. "I don't like this place. They could have just taken me home, then, at least, I could have been with those that love me."

"Hey," Lyra chided her, "everyone in Ponyville loves you. It was also for observation reasons, because you've never drawn blood before."

Screwloose gasped and pushed herself away so she could look her friend in the eye. "Did I hurt him badly? Is he pressing charges? Am I going to have to wear a muzzle?"

Lyra shook her head and chuckled a little at her friend's plight. "No such thing is going to happen."

"Are they going to take away my daughter?" Screwloose panicked, not listening to Lyra. "They... they can't take her away from me... without her... I'll... I'll..."

WHAP!

Screwloose yelped loudly and clutched her stinging cheek tenderly. "What was that for?"

Lyra tossed aside the old magazine and looked sternly down at Screwloose. "Because I'm your friend. And I refuse to let you spiral down such a terrible abyss of thought. No one is going to take Archer form you, and no one is pressing charges. Everyone has agreed it was a misunderstanding."

"Th-they did?" Screwloose asked, tilting her head questioningly.

Lyra sighed and nodded. "After you bit him, you stood over that colt like a mother wolf, growling and barking until he retreated a short distance away. After which, you proceeded to lick the colt's minor scrapes clean. Well, ew. But other than that, you pretty much cemented yourself as a guardian for Ponyville's children."

Screwloose wore a hybrid expression of relief, thought, and disgust. "I licked his wounds clean?"

Lyra nodded.

"Like an animal?"

She nodded again.

"Please tell me somepony took him to a proper physician afterwards," Screwloose said, burying her face into her hooves in embarrassment. "That cannot possibly be healthy."

Lyra tapped her chin in thought. "Weeell. Saliva is full of white blood cells, which, medically speaking..."

"I don't care," Screwloose cried, "it's disgusting. And I had just bit someone before I did that too. Ugh."

Lyra shrugged. "Well, I did my job. Ready to check out of this place and go home?"

Screwloose just sighed and nodded. "Yes. No one's pressing charges?"

Lyra shook her head. "Don't worry, your friends are gonna an eye out for you to make sure something like this doesn't happen again."

"Thanks," Screwloose lowered her head in gratitude.

Lyra gave her another hug. "Your welcome, Screwy."

(1) Motto: "You break it you buy it". Consequently, Mr. Breezy isn't allowed to invite her into the store under threat of pulverization by her family. His wallet yearns.
(2) There had even been a case study to find out if it refusing to hug your friends should be considered abuse.
(3) More akin to playful nipping.
> -16- Wednesday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"T'was a dark and stormy night..."

"Lyra."

"What that's how it happened?"

Dr. Fritz sighed a little and wiped his glasses. "Mrs. Heartstrings..."

"Uhp, last name basis, time to get serious," Lyra groaned as she passed a hoof through her mane in another vain attempt to control it. Failure.

"You need to talk about this, Lyra," Dr. Fritz scolded her as if she were a little filly.

Lyra just sighed sadly. "I know, doc. I know. But, it doesn't have to be depressing. Please allow me some humor."

"Duly noted and set aside until after this session," Dr. Fritz informed her.

"Does my doing your guys' job earlier at least qualify for this to be a free session?"

Fritz gave a long-suffering sigh. "Are you quite done yet?"

"Oh, fine," Lyra said, leaning back on the plush couch. She shifted about for a moment until she was comfortable and took a deep breath. This was always a hard thing put into words. But she was with a friend.

"I was about eleven at the time. My big brother had recently graduated from the guard academy..."


*	*	*


Little Lyra, her chubby little legs bouncing with excitement, ran down the Canterlot streets, her best friend, Bruno, balanced upon her back, while her carried a gift in her magical grasp. It was a special gift, just for her brother. She was going to surprise him with it as soon as he and their parents got home.

It was going to be the best day ever.

In her excitement, she didn't notice the figure step around the corner right in front of her.

"Oof, ow," Lyra complained, shaking the stars from her head. She scowled up at the obstacle that had gotten in her way. It was a mare, peach fur with a strawberry unicorn mane, and a smile on her face. It would only polite to smile back, right?

"Hello, lady," Lyra greeted the mare with a wave.

"What do we have here?" the mare asked, not looking at Lyra, and instead picking up the gift that the filly had purchased.

"Oh, that's a gift for my brother," she stated proudly. "It's a watch, compass, Swiss army knife(1), a whetstone, fire starter, telescope, magnifying glass, mirror, refillable pen, and candy dispenser."

"It's no bigger than a tenpiece(2)," the mare muttered in amazement as she looked at the steel and brass disc.

Lyra sighed and lowered her ears a bit. "I wanted to get the big one, but I was a little short. But, I guess a full set of kitchen knives and a granite cutting board aren't necessary on for a guard."

"A guard? Oh, you're Lyra, aren't you?" the mare asked as she passed the thingamajig back to the filly. "I should have guessed from your" -she looked at Bruno with a quizzical expression- "friend."

Lyra gasped. "Do you know my brother?"

The mare thought for a moment before speaking. "Oh, yes of course. We're good friends from the academy. I heard he was coming home today, you see, I graduated before he did, and wanted to surprise. But, I just can't seem to find where he lives."

"You mean he didn't give you our parents address?" Lyra asked innocently, sitting down as she rubbed her chin. "Why would he do that?"

"Oh, you know colts," the mare said quickly, "their heads are always somewhere else."

Lyra giggled a bit. "That's what mama says. Ooh, I can take you to my home. It's not that far from here."

The mare shook her head quickly. "Oh, no-no-no. I was just going to drop off a message to his parents... but I think it would be even better if you gave it to him. Your parents wouldn't even have to know."

Now Lyra was a bit suspicious. Her mother always to told her to tell her if she talked to strangers. "Why don't you want my parents to know?"

"Because, it's an invitation to a surprise party," the mare said, giving a toothy grin, "and you know how parents are about parties, right?"

Ah, now it made sense. Lyra nodded knowingly. "Of course. Just needed to make sure you're on the level."

The mare handed the letter to Lyra and began to walk away, until a new thought struck her. "Oh, why don't you come to the party as well. Earlier in fact. That way we can all surprise him."

Lyra gasped. A party with the big kids? How could she say no?

"Yes!" she shouted louder than she intended. She quickly gave a polite cough. "I mean, yes. I would love to go to a party for my brother. Just, um, where is it going to be?"

"Do you remember your brother's old friend, Roller Dee?"

Lyra deflated a bit. "That boring colt who played Dungeons and Dragons all the time?"

The mare chuckled at this and nodded. "The very same. But don't worry, this party will be anything but boring."

Lyra shrugged and quickly sprinted on home.


*	*	*


"And so you went and delivered the letter to your brother, and made sure to slip away from home in time to get to the 'party' early, right?" Dr. Fritz inquired when Lyra just seemed to pause her story.

The mare nodded as she collected her thoughts and rubbed her hooves together in a dyscognitive fashion.

"Take your time, Lyra," Fritz told patiently. "Let it out as it comes."

Lyra took a deep breath and let it out in a deep sigh. "Yeah, I got to the party, and then..."


*	*	*


"You want me to do what?" Lyra asked, looking up at peach mare.

The mare groaned, acting a little impatient. "Go into the closet, and wait for the signal. Then jump out, eyes closed and laugh your head off."

"Why?" Lyra asked, tilting her head to the side. It still didn't make sense.

"Because...," the mare thought quickly, "Because that's just part of a grown-up's party. And you want to be a grown up right?"

Grown-ups? Lyra's head spun. This wasn't a big kid's party, it was a party for adults. Oh, she had always wanted to go to an adult party. They didn't have a bedtime, or stupid only-one-piece-of-cake rules, and a whole bunch of other things that every child wanted to do, but wasn't allowed to. Or, at least, that's how she imagined it to be.

And here she was messing everything up by not listening to what this mare was telling her. She was probably spoiling everything for everyone else. This was totally embarrassing.

"I'm sorry," she squeaked. "I didn't mean to ruin anything."

The mare, never really got the name, smiled and patted her on the head. "Oh, don't worry, little filly. You'll fit right in."

"What's the signal?" Lyra asked, hoping to speed things along so she could enjoy her first adult party. "How will I know when to jump out."

"You'll hear a scream," the mare said.

Lyra looked about curiously at the other ponies that were setting things up. "Who's going to scream? What if someone else screams before the right scream happens and I mess everything up?"

"You're brother's going to scream," the mare said, her smile taking on a fiendish aspect. Lyra got a little worried.

"Why's he going to scream?" she asked, really wanting to know.

The mare and some of the other ponies in the room gasped and placed hooves on their chests.

"You mean you don't know," the mare began, looking aghast. "You've never been to an grown-up surprise party before, have you?"

Argh. She was ruining everything again. Come on, Lyra, stop questioning everything.

"Uh, of course I have," she fibbed, badly, "I-I was just... um, testing you. Yeah, I was just testing you."

The ponies all snickered until the mare silenced them all with a glare. She turned back to Lyra and smiled innocently. "I knew you were mature enough to understand."

Lyra beamed proudly as the mare patted her stiffly on the head.

"Now, your brother is going to be here any minute now," the mare said, glancing at a clock, "quickly get into the closet and wait for the scream."

Lyra did as she was told, giggling like the little school filly she was. once the closet door was shut, she sat down and pulled out the gift meant for her brother. She just couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he opened it. This was going to be so much better than giving it to him at home.

So enthralled was she, that, in her building excitement, she almost missed her queue. There was the scream. She knew that scream well, because, every little sister worth her salt knew how to terrify her older brother.

Not bothering to ponder why this would be part of an adult party, she burst into action.

She leapt out, eyes closed, opend and her mouth and laughed. Only, she wasn't laughing.

"You stupid hideous creep, serves you right. Such a worthless stallion deserves to smell just like the dumpster that spawned him. Hahaha."

That was her voice, that was her mouth that was moving it. But, it was not her that was saying it. Her eyes shot open in bewilderment. And the first thing they landed upon was her brother. He was covered in what could only be the result of taking a large bucket and submerging it in the sewers beneath Canterlot.

What was going on? What kind of sick party was this?

Then, it got worse. The other ponies at the party, the ones who were supposed to be her brother's friends, all began shouting more insults at him. Saying things that would get Lyra's hide tanned if she ever said them. Then they started grabbing the decorations and refreshments and bombarding her brother with them.

All Lyra could do was watch in horror.


*	*	*


"The Ventriloquist Vandal spell?" Dr. Fritz said, having heard the story before.

Lyra nodded. "They took control of my own voice and mouth to tear out my brother's heart and show it to him while it was still beating."

"And what happened next, Miss Heartstrings," Dr. Fritz urged her onwards.

"My brother did what anyone who had a heart would do if such a thing happened to them," Lyra said as she looked towards a window. "He ran away crying."


*	*	*


"Why are you do this," Lyra shrieked angrily as she was forcefully ejected from the house. Several of the ponies nursing bruises delivered from Bruno. She was near tears herself. "Why did you do that to him?"

She didn't get a reply, just the door slammed in her face. Laughter could be heard the other side, which made both Lyra and Bruno even angrier. Bruno beat at the door a couple of times, leaving some long scratches. But they were ignored.

Lyra turned away from the house and charged in the direction she thought her brother might gone. The furthest place away from home.

She cried out his nickname, the one she always called him when she was upset.

"B'ro, I'm sorry. Please come back. B'ro. Please. Brother. I need you."

She dashed through the streets, up and down alleys, through yards. Calling out for her beloved sibling.

"Please, it wasn't me. I didn't know. I didn't say those things. Come back. Please, forgive me."

A storm began to kick up in the darkening sky, and poor Lyra's cries became all the more desperate. In time, her chubby little body began to wear out as she neared the edge of the city, and when she actually found herself standing on the road to the city's gates, she collapsed in a sobbing heap of aches and grief.

"No, no," she cried, covering her watering eyes with her hooves the gift she had gotten for her brother dropped to the ground with a metallic clatter, followed by Bruno. She cast a forlorn look at the pocket survival kit and at her best friend. The smooth lump of granite with its two googly eyes she had glued onto it stared back at her, offering no comfort.

She covered her eyes back up again and resumed sobbing brokenly.

This went on for some time, until a flash of lightning caused her to look up the mountain in terror. The lightning had struck an old tree, whose roots spread far and wide to hold up the side of the slope. No longer.

It was like watching a wave on the ocean, only lumpy and brown. She shrieked in terror as she attempted to rise to her hooves, but, even with the fear pumping through her veins, she hadn't the strength to stand. Then she became silent as one question came to the forefront of her mind.

Why?

She closed her eyes to accept her fate, but then felt someone grab her, holding her tight.

"I'll always love you, lil'sis."

Her eyes shot back open and she found herself looking into the eyes of her brother. He was surrounding her, acting as a shield against the terrible wave that turned the whole world black not a split second later.


*	*	*


"They found us the next day," Lyra sobbed, held tightly in Fritz's hooves as she cried. "My brother... dead. While I suffered two broken legs and a few cracked ribs. He made sure that I was safe, even while believing that I had betrayed his trust."

"It's alright, Lyra," Dr. Fritz comforted her. "It was a long time ago."

"Time doesn't dull all wounds," Lyra said as she wiped at her eyes. "I went through three years of therapy, along with a four month period I couldn't even bring myself to leave the house. Mother and father never blamed me, they knew that I had been used, and it hurt them when my trust of 'adults' became severely limited for many years afterwards."

She pushed her self away from Dr. Fritz and attempted to assemble herself. She ran another magic comb through her mane in yet another attempt to get it right. Success. Small victories.

"Every chance I got, afterwards, I would go to the spot and search for the gift I had bought. I studied book after book after book, looking for spells to help me locate it. Which helped me get into Celestia's school for gifted unicorns, where I had access to even more books to help me."

She turned and looked at her cutie mark. "That's how I got this. I took up music and found that everything had a different frequency. So, I eventually managed to home in on it six years ago." She produced the small gift from the confines of her lunchbox, holding its battered frame up to the light. "It doesn't work as well as it used to, but I never really planned on using it."

Dr. Fritz nodded sagely. "And what of those ponies that set up the 'party'?"

Lyra just shrugged. "Disappeared. I don't really care. I found out later that the mare, never did get her name, knew that our family was very well off, and tried to stake a claim with my brother. Fortunately, our mother had the foresight to teach him the kind of mares he should avoid. She was just so angry at being turned down that she had some of her other friends seduce my brother's friends, feeding them lies and somesuch. They believed them."

She placed the gift back into the greasy confines of her lunchbox. "Brother always had a hard time fitting in. I guess that's why I became an anthropologist, so that I could help those who had a very hard time fitting in. And, well, here I am. The world's greatest anthropologist. No brag, well, maybe a little, but all fact as well."

"Your brother would be proud of you."

Lyra rolled her eyes and managed a chuckle. "I don't need you to tell me that. He loved me to the end. I got over the worst of it a long time ago doc. It's... it's just nice to have an ear to listen every now and again for when things become a little harder."

(1) A human once brought one over and flooded the market. Why bother changing the name?
(2) A large bit worth ten bits, duh.
> -17- Wednesday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ah, yeah, this is the way to unwind after a stressful day," Lyra remarked before she guzzled her punch.

Mark Smith's farewell party was in full swing at Town Hall. Pinkie's usual over the top flare was presented well, although a little more mature than a filly or colt's party. One of the punch bowls had been designated for adults only, for obvious reasons. The only youngsters allowed were the ones who had earned their cutie marks at least a year ago, and half of those still had an early bedtime. Not that they didn't come anyway.

Ponies and some of the resident humans were milling about the dancefloor as Vinyl Scratch worked her station, while a certain Neon Lights was singing into the microphone. Pinkie had already selected a number human songs she felt were appropriate for the party. And Pinkie could usually be trusted with her feelings.

As it was, Neon was rocking out the current song, much to the delight of a certain mare.

Jet Black Dress

Lyra licked up the last few drops of her punch and wiped her mouth with a napkin in proper Canterlot fashion, and trotted out onto the dancefloor herself. The good thing about parties like this, no matter how close you got to another pony, they would not be able to tell you hadn't showered that morning. That was bonus for her.

Unlike Twilight Sparkle, Lyra could actually bust a few moves. Namely three. Which was three more than Twilight could do. Though her poor mother was at a loss as to where she had learned to breakdance. But she had calmed down as soon as Lyra had explained it was a human dance style. Ah, those few times you could convince your parents something was educational and get out of various chores and obligations.

Anyway, she only really knew the jackhammer, windmill, and a power step, but she could do them well enough to make keep a crowd cheering for a while. She had once attempted a head stand. It did not go over well.

Suffice to say, she was grateful that horns were a continuously growing part of a unicorn's anatomy.

Everyone backed away as she literally began milling about on the padded floor, to both admire her skill and avoid getting knocked out by her powerful movements. Funnily enough, it was actually more dangerous dancing beside her than Twilight. After living in the small town for a few years, everyone had learned to give their favorite anthropologist plenty of space whenever she felt like cutting a rug.

Not to say everyone enjoyed it though. There were definitely some mutterers who sulked off to the refreshments table. But that was no reason Lyra couldn't have some fun, now was it?

At least she didn't think so. She whooped and cheered as she hopped and spun in place.

Of course, she only had enough stamina to last the rest of the song.

Everyone clapped once the music faded out and the two musicians waved to crowd. Then an obviously pregnant Vinyl stepped out from around her station and right up to Neon, smiling roguishly. Neon just seductively waggled his eyebrows back at her.

Being a mute, Vinyl quickly signed with her hooves, <Now I wish I had worn my black dress tonight.> She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss and then waddled back to select their next song.

"Cute couple," Lyra chuckled, having witnessed the sweet moment.

"They're okay."

If she had had another mug of punch, she'd have done a spit take. A double take would have to suffice.

"Oh, hi Noteworthy," she greeted the stallion with a big hopeful grin. "I don't suppose you left your wife at home did you?"

Noteworthy chuckled and shook his head. "No, Bon Bon knew you'd be here."

Lyra's face fell. "Great. She'll sniff me out soon enough and start lecturing me on the merits of bedtime and proper nutrition." She sighed. "Ugh, sometimes she seems less like a friend and more like a cross between a Jewish mother and Chinese father."

"Come again?" Noteworthy's face twisted in comic incomprehension.

"It's an anthropological joke," Lyra waved it off with a mock huff. "Anyway, you'd think she'd let me go about my own business, seeing as I pay rent and am a certified adult. I'm perfectly capable of taking care on myself."

"Aaah," Noteworthy softly chided her, "you know we consider you family, Lyra. She can just be a little..."

"Overbearing?" Lyra suggested smugly.

Noteworthy looked around to make sure the coast was clear. "You said it, not me."

Lyra giggled a bit. "I know she means well." She trotted up and pressed her shoulder against the stallion's in a friendly gesture. "She really wants me to join you and form a herd. And, I must say, every day the temptation gets stronger."

Noteworthy blushed red and began to stammer.

Lyra nuzzled his cheek and chuckled. "But, there's still a few things I need to take care of before I can even begin to think of settling down." Stepping back she gave the flustered stallion a onceover. A very satisfying onceover. "But, don't worry, if that day ever comes, I will be sure to look you up. Hope you won't mind a pruny old hobbler of a mare by that time."

Noteworthy rolled his eyes. "As if Bonny would give me any choice."

"Darn right."

Both ponies whipped their heads to the side to see the candy colored mare pushing her way through the crowd and approaching the suddenly nervous mint mare. "Finally found you, Lyra. Where were you last night? Twist was so upset."

"Oh, that's right," Lyra groaned, facehooving. "Tuesday nights are when I tell her human stories. Dang it. I'm sorry, Bon Bon."

Bon Bon wasn't finished. "You never took a bath, either. I have a foal, I know that scent. Probably eaten junk food all day, too."

"I balanced it out with vegetables," Lyra stated, taking an unsure step back as her friend got closer.

"What kind?" Bon demanded with a glare.

"Um, potato."

"You ate a load of fries, didn't you?" Bon Bon seemed to look directly into the mare's soul.

Lyra's ears drooped and she lowered her head. The candy maker could not be deceived. "Yes."

"Ugh," Bon Bon muttered. "And what did you sleep on? A rock? there are lines all over you body."

Lyra inwardly cursed herself for not being able to groom herself beyond a publicly reasonable state. "I slept in my office chair." Bon Bon opened her mouth to chide her again, but Lyra quickly cut her off. "Yesterday ended really bad, okay, Bonny? It was mentally and spiritually draining for me, okay? I'm sorry I was unable to meet your standards today."

Bon Bon was taken aback by the resentment in Lyra's voice. "Lyra... I-I'm sorry.  Didn't mean to..."

Lyra sighed. "No, I'm sorry, Bon Bon. I took my frustration out on you, and I'm sorry."

"Oh," Bon put a hoof around her friend's neck and pulled her head against her chest. "It's alright, Lyra. I know I can be a little overbearing."

There was no mistaking the way the earth pony had stressed that last word. She had heard them. Both Lyra and Noteworthy chuckled nervously.

"It's just that," Bon gave Lyra a little squeeze, "you're just like a little sister to me, Lyra. I want you to take care of yourself. Don't be sorry. I was being inconsiderate."

Lyra gave her friend's hoof a pat. "It's okay. Just... um, try to lighten up on the mothering in the future. Please?"

"No promises," Bon Bon chuckled as she gave the mare a final squeeze before releasing her. "Well. Just as long as you don't make this a habit. Alright?"

Lyra nodded. "Of course, of course," she said quickly. "Although, you do know I'm a year older than you right? I could hardly be your little sister."

"Not if you take maturity into account," Bon Bon teased with a grin. Lyra snorted and rolled her eyes. Bon Bon then gave her friend a sympathetic look. "Do want to talk about it?"

Lyra shook her head. "No offense, Bonny. You're a good friend, really. But, it's not really your business."

Bon Bon nodded. "Sure, Lyra. But remember, Notes and I will always be there if you need us."

"Ah, Lyra, there you are."

All eyes turned to the rotund old man that had made his way through the crowd. Mark Smith, the man of the hour stood their smiling in his tailored suit and leaning on his bamboo cane. "I've been looking all over for you. Pinkie Pie wants you to and I to join Neon and Vinyl on stage for the next song."

Lyra took the opportunity to perk up. "Sure, Mr. Smith. I'll be right there. But, I'll need to borrow a guitar. I didn't exactly bring mine."

"I brought it for you," Bon Bon piped up.

"Actually, that was me," Noteworthy muttered.

"Oh, shush," his wife waved him off. "I thought you might need it. It's up on stage."

Lyra thanked her friends and trotted after Mark.

Now, Lyra did play the lyre. She was a master at it in fact. But, any musician that only knew how to play one instrument was either a hobbyist or outright obsessed. Lyra was no casual.

She plucked a few strings of her red electric guitar experimentally as she looked over the music sheet she had been handed. To the side, Mark was ensuring his bagpipes were tuned properly, and Neon was preparing his voice for the next song. When they had each finished they looked at each other and nodded.

"We have a treat for you tonight," Neon proclaimed out to the gathering crowd. "Performing on stage with my lovely wife and I" -Vinyl waved energetically to the crowd- "are none other than one of our resident humans, Mark Smith..."

The crowd cheered, the ponies stomping their hooves while the humans clapped.

"And Ponyville's favorite anthropologist, Lyra Heartstrings."

Lyra mimicked Vinyl's enthusiasm. More cheers erupted.

"And tonight, we're going to play you yet another human song. One that I, personally, have been wanting to do for a while yet. So, whose ready to rock out?"

The cheers were almost deafening. Not needing a second clue, they launched wholeheartedly into the tune.

Holy Thunderforce

Not exactly a dancing tune, everyone instead jumped in place, stomping their hooves or pumping their fists in the air. All except two ponies who sat back near the punch bowl.

"That mare, always rushing about as if somepony's about to bite her," Bon Bon said with a chuckle as she watched Lyra strum out those notes with a passion. She took a sip of the sweet punch before continuing. "One might almost think she was trying to distract herself from life itself."

Noteworthy practically downed his own cup in one gulp. "She's young, Bonny, and wants to accomplish as many things as she can before it's too late. I'm pretty sure you can sympathies, right Agent Sweetie Drops?"

Bon Bon was slightly miffed. "We're not exactly old, ourselves, Notes. Besides, I retired from SMILE years ago."

"What about the bugbear?"

"Hush," the mare dismissed him before she took a big gulp. "That was unavoidable. Those six mares may have some special powers, but they do lack a certain amount of experience. I merely lent them a much needed hoof."

Noteworthy set his cup down and pressed up against her side. "Whatever you say dear. Now, back to Lyra. I know you really want her as a herd sister, and I'm in no way against it... "

Bon Bon cover his mouth with a hoof and snorted. "Before you launch into some cliché speech about how maybe a family to call her own might not be in her future, or how maybe she may never give up her independence, let me tell why that's bupkis." She set her cup aside and cleared her throat.

"She's an adult mare who, while rather childish at times, is not some emo teenager trying to act edgy." She managed to keep her voice below the wild din. "She's so close to us that Twist is already calling her Aunty Lyra, she helps with the household whenever she can, and, heck, I haven't had reason to complain about squeaky hinges ever since she moved into our basement."

"Oh WD-40, will human wonders ever cease?" Noteworthy said, smiling like a like colt with his favorite toy.

"Exactly, dear," she said, giggling at her stallion's reaction. "She is basically family, and the way I see her staring at your backside, when she thinks no ones looking, tells me that she wants be quite a bit closer."

The blue stallion turned a bright shade of red. "Uuuuhh..."

Bon Bon leaned closer and gave him a peck on the lips. "Don't act so flustered. It wouldn't do for you to act like that when she finally accepts."

"You're rather confident," Noteworthy said, his face starting to return to it's normal shade. "I only hope she doesn't start to think we're a couple of gold-diggers."

"As if," the mare rolled her eyes. "We've put our little Twister through ballet and have a generous amount saved up for her enrollment for the Chocolatier Academy, with plenty left over for a second child due to the rent that that mare insists on paying. Can you even remember the last time we were scrambling to cover a bill?"

"Actually there was that time..."

"It was rhetorical, Notes," Bon Bon said with a sigh. "The point being. She's holding herself back for some reason. We won't pressure her, or anything. She just needs some soft encouragement." She grasped her cup again and downed the remainder of the punch. "Though, speaking of a second child... what say we go back home and check on Twist before we head off to bed. What say you?"

Not a moment later, a smug Bon Bon was draped over Noteworthy's shoulder as he raced on home with a big grin on his face.
> -18- Thursday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

There really were merits to sleeping in a proper bed. Lyra found herself rested and prepared for the day, and had even had enough time to say goodbye to Mr. Smith at the train station. Not only that, but Bon Bon had even packed her an extra large lunch to make up for last night. Today was looking up.

"Why aren't you doing your job, Miss Heartstrings? These humans are still eating meat."

Crash and burn baby. Crash and burn.

Lyra quickly checked to make sure her baseball bat was still where she had left it. "First of all, I am doing my job. Second of all, what's it to you?"

The mare in front of her was a new patient who was scheduled for next Monday, but there had been a cancelation and so she had been fitted into this morning's meeting. Lyra was already making notes to cancel any future meeting with this mare.

"Doing your job? You're supposed to be teaching these primitive savages the enlightened virtues of Equestrian life. Why the buck are you coddling these invaders?"

Lyra glared at the mare. "My job is to help them adjust, or help ponies understand them. I don't enlighten them in any way shape or form. And we do not coddle them. We ensure they get jobs so that they can benefit our society during their time here."

"Jobs?" the mare demanded, a look doubt on her face. "Just coming into the backwater town I saw a lazy human just standing about with spear in his claws. Do you even know what one of those creatures could with such a weapon?"

"That was probably Alex, one of Ponyville's guards," Lyra stated back. His rifle must be in the shop, she thought to herself. "And as for what he can do with a spear... take out three timberwolves, hold a manticore at bay, and intimidate the rare rabble-rouser."

"The savage probably put himself in those positions just to have an excuse to fight. Mindless monsters the lot of them." The mare crossed her legs and scowled like a spoiled filly.

Lyra bit back a scathing reply. "Then, if you're so enlightened, why don't you tell me how I should go about my job."

The didn't even hesitate. "Well. First of all, I would cut them off from their vile habit of eating dead animals. Second, I would ensure they were all unarmed. Third, I would have them collared and put to proper work befitting of their primitive nature. Something like breaking rocks or hauling logs. And finally, I would ensure they were kept as separate from us ponies as possible. No need for them to infect our superior culture."

Lyra's jaw dropped at what the mare had just suggested. "The hell? Th-th-the... what? Why all the... du-bu-wuh...? Just what?"

"These are invaders," the mare said with a humph. "They're slipping over into our world, integrating themselves into our livelihood, and tearing apart our culture from the inside out."

Lyra stealthily grasped the handle of her bat just to be safe. "Oookaay. Yeah. No. You're wrong on so many points it would fry a calculator." She grasped the handle a bit tighter in her magic as she saw the mare's disgusted face. "These humans are not crawling over our borders like illegal immigrants, or trying to pass off as refugees with a trumped up sob story. These people are quite literally being ripped from their homeworld and pulled into ours. I have seen the effects that this can have their psyche. It's a wonder that many of them don't just go insane."

"How can you defend them like this?" the mare demanded angrily. "They kill and eat innocent animals and bring all kinds of disease."

"A few hundred ponies got the sniffles for a few days," Lyra countered quickly. "No one even missed a day of work. And as for the meat... they are omnivores. In fact, I can assure you that your mother probably ate meat whenever she could get it while pregnant with you. Griffins are almost obligate carnivores, seaponies love a good dolphin steak. Don't even get me started on the dragons. Are you saying that they need to be forced into slavery and fed an incomplete diet for the rest of eternity too?"

"That is exactly what I am saying," the mare stated. "These beasts who have no respect for life do not deserve to be allowed freedom. As for my mother, she has always been a devout vegetarian. As I am as well."

"Well, that explains a few things." Lyra released her grasp on the bat and instead wrapped her magic about the mare and promptly launched her through the door.

"Millie," she called to her secretary, who was staring at the dazed mare with a bored expression.

"Yes, I will make sure she is evicted form the premises, Miss Heartstrings?" the pink and blonde earth pony said with an air of one who had done this before. "Shall I konk her with the book(1) and load her on the next train to Manehatten?"

Lyra shook her head. "No, let's try Whinnyapolis this time." She then set about working a temporary patch on her poor door.

"Will do, ma'am," Millie said as she grabbed a rather large volume from her desk and proceeded to carry out her employer's orders.

The mare would later wake up at the Whinnypolis train depot with a headache and no memory of the day's events. Then she would get drunk at a bar, take a bet, fight a mugger, rescue a baby from a burning building, join a group of human vigilantes(2), and discover the glory of BLTs. Consequently her crime fighting alter ego was Bacon Bitch.

It is suspected by only two certain ponies that she might have suffered a little brain damage from a concussive force.

(1) The Book of Morons. It's quite a sizable volume.
(2) It's not illegal in this version of Equestria.
> -19- Thursday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh my, what happened to your door, Lyra?"

"I played a bit of indoor bowling," Lyra replied nonchalantly. She looked at the patched door and sighed. She would have to get Big Mac or some other piece of eye-candy... er, hardware stallion to replace it. "Let that be a lesson to you, never play bowling inside."

"Uh, Lyra, all bowling takes place inside."

"And it's a very poor design choice, as you can plainly see," Lyra defended her position quite adamantly. "Now, are we going to keep on discussing impractical design structures, or are we going to get down to business, Rarity?"

"Fine, fine," the white mare reluctantly replied. "As you may have figured out, I'm here to discuss human fashion, same as always."

Lyra nodded. Rarity was a good friend. But, they had come to the agreement years ago that Rarity would only ask about human fashion on Thursdays with an appointment. It was some extra money, and not a bad way to spend a an hour or so. Plus she wasn't weighed down with ten thousand trendy questions on a regular basis.

Rarity only pouted for three days.

Lyra walked over to her bookshelf and studied it a moment. "I suppose you're looking to reverse engineer some spring fashions, right?"

"Er, summer actually," Rarity said with a broad grin. "I have a reasonable tip(1) that it's going to be an extra hot season this year. I want to get an early start on my swimsuit lineup."

Lyra pushed the book she had originally selected back into place and grabbed another. "That's fine. Although, I'm not sure bikinis are well suited for ponies."

Not surprisingly, Rarity knew what Lyra was referring to. "Oh, nonsense, darling. They are actually quite popular. Although, thanks to our anatomy differences from humans they don't need to be made into two pieces. That is, unless a customer has a special request."

Lyra shrugged. "Eh, okay. Never felt the need to wear a swimsuit myself though."

"Well, not everypony enjoys getting sea water and silt all up and over their nether regions," Rarity giggled. She giggled even harder when a light bulb seemed to come on in Lyra's head. Being a business mare, she was not letting this one slip. "I mean, you never know when an inquisitive fish may come along... or you swim across a particularly mineral rich section of the water and get everything all crusty. Why I remember one time my aunt..."

"Okay, I'll buy one or two," Lyra conceded as she passed Rarity the book. "Got a catalog?"

She did.

Lyra opened it as Rarity began browsing the book. Rarity probably did have a copy of the same book at home, but this way she could ask Lyra questions as well. Rarity stopped browsing when it became clear that Lyra had no idea what to look for.

"Got anything in red?"

Rarity gasped in horror. "Red? Darling... that's not your color."

Lyra tilted her head to the side. "But, it's my favorite color."

"Maybe up here," Rarity said tapped the mint mare's head. "But I'm afraid that your body disagrees. No. It just wouldn't do. You need something less bright."

"White?" Lyra suggested.

Rarity facehooved and groaned. "It appears that I've got work to do." She quickly set about examining and measuring(2) Lyra's backside, much to the mare's consternation. "Oh stop fidgeting darling, I am nothing less than a professional. Which is why I'm going to tell you to change your conditioner, dear, your poor tail feels like sandpaper."

"Couldn't find my brand the other week, so I had to settle for another that I had been assured was just as good," Lyra explained. She cringed when Rarity growled.

"'Just as good', my plaid pajamas," she hissed. "If this was the state of your tail before you switched brands than I must say I am very disappointed in you, Lyra."

Lyra sighed and slumped her shoulders. "Then what do you suggest?"

"A spa treatment, first," Rarity said as she ran her hoof through the rough hairs with a grimace. "While you're there, ask them what they use. They will either tell you where you can get more or sell it to you themselves. Much of it is imported, so the latter may be your only hope."

"I wondered why Lotus was so insistent on treating my mane and tail Monday night," Lyra thought back.

"You turned her down, didn't you," Rarity frowned. Lyra nodded. "Lyra, you're amongst the wealthier members of our fair town. It's not like you couldn't afford a few simple luxuries."

"I don't need my money to do what I can do myself," Lyra huffed as Rarity finished her measurements.

Rarity sighed. "It's admirable that you don't let your money control you. But, being afraid of it is hardly any better."

Lyra looked at the floor and shuffled her hooves. "I'm not afraid of it."

Rarity patted her withers and gave her a gentle smile. "Okay, Lyra, okay. Now, would you like to come in Saturday for a fitting? After your appointment with the Cakes of course."

Lyra looked up at her. "How do you know about that?"

Rarity gave her a look and rolled her eye. "Puh-lease, Lyra, Darling. Half the mares in town know. It's obvious it has something to do with their adoption of Timmy. Though the details are a little vague."

"Doctor patient confidentiality," Lyra warned her friend before she attempted to extract any more information. Rarity got the message and tipped her head respectfully.

"I wasn't exactly expecting it to be so well known," Lyra said as made a move to pick up the swimsuit catalog. Rarity snatched it away before she could make a bigger mockery of fashion.

Rarity tucked it away in a her saddlebags. "Well, Lyra. As the humans say. The fastest ways to spread information are: telegram, telephone, or tell a woman." She snickered politely. "We girls are a wealth of tasty information. You really should join the local Bridge Club, Lyra. You'd start to pick up a few delicious tidbits here and there as well."

"I'll think about," Lyra responded with a shrug and smile. "And, yes. I would love to come in to be fitted for a swimsuit this weekend."

"Yes," Rarity cheered, clapping her hooves together. "This will give me an opportunity to try out any new concepts I learn today on a live model."

"Glad to be helping," Lyra said aloud, although she was thinking more on the lines of Guinea pig.

(1) Let's just say she has connections in high and lofty castles.
(2) Yes, she carries a measuring tape with her everywhere.
> -20- Thursday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I thought it was Mr. Cake's turn this week."

"Oh he would have, but Timmy convinced him to help repair the Crusader's Clubhouse after that deranged human set it ablaze," Mrs. Cake answered as she entered the office. Her eyes were fixed on the door as she entered. "Um... did something happen?"

"Oh, that? I wanted to see if my door had a metal core," Lyra said as she reinforced it with some magic and duct tape.

"Did it?"

"Yeah, aluminum," Lyra said with a nod. "I was surprised. I'm thinkin' about a compressed wood core with an oak veneer next time."

"That sounds... lovely, Lyra," Mrs. Cake spoke quietly as she watched Lyra open and close the door experimentally. "Er. If you like, I could ask Carrot if he would be willing to install it for you."

Lyra gave Mrs. Cake a odd look. "Am I charging too much Mrs. Cake? If you're tight for money I can lower my rates for you or run you a tab until things pick up again for you guys."

Mrs. Cake almost looked insulted. "What? No. Nothing of the kind, dear. I just figured, since you've done so much for us, maybe we could do something in return."

Lyra heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's good. I would hate to see my favorite sugar emporium on dire straights." She hopped over into her chair and cleared her throat. "Thanks for the offer, but, I think I'll higher a professional. Have to make sure it's sealed properly so no one can listen in you know."

"Oh, of course," Mrs. Cake nodded. "Now, um, can we discuss Timothy?"

Lyra nodded and grabbed her clipboard. "Okay. I thought he was doing exceptionally well on Tuesday. Still a little quite, though, not a bad thing mind you. But, he definitely has some leftover trust issues. I'm sure your aware."

"Well, yes," Cup Cake nodded. "He's a very good colt... er, boy. But, you know, he has a very hard time adjusting. I aware it's not everyday, where he's from at least, that someone is adopted by an entirely different species. But, we try our best, Carrot and I, to show him that we love him and will always be there for him. But, he still seems so distant from us."

Mrs. Cake actually had tears brimming in her eyes. "So, please, tell me. Is there something that human parents have that we aren't giving him?"

Lyra gave her a pitying look. "No, no, Mrs. Cake. It's nothing like that. He just young boy who needs some guidance in an alien world. I know he loves both you and Mr. Cake, as well as the twins..."

"Pinkie as well," Mrs. Cake pointed out, wiping her eyes. The pink mare had always been something of a surrogate daughter to the Cakes.

Lyra nodded. "And Pinkie. He tells me as much during all of our appointments together. Even before you officially adopted him he loved talking about you all."

Mrs. Cake sniffled and smiled. "He's always been such a sweet child. But, ever since the adoption, it really does seem as though he's more distant. At first I thought it might be because he was nervous. But, lately it seems like he's outright terrified."

"That's because he's afraid you'll tear it all away from him if he messes up," Lyra said in a calm careful voice, not wanted to make Mrs. Cake overly upset.

"W-what?" the blue mare gasped in horror. "Carrot and I would never do such a thing. Where did he get that idea? D-did we..."

"No," Lyra cut her off before he could fly off into hysterics. "It's nothing you or your husband have done. He's just had some bad experiences back on his homeworld. Bad enough to leave an impression. He just needs a lot of love and support to chip away those barriers."

"Y-you are going to help us, right?"

Lyra nodded and set her clipboard aside. "Of course. You know I'll be there Saturday to see if I can't figure something out to help all of you. Though, you might think about switching to a therapist soon. Not that I don't enjoy these sessions, but, it's becoming less my department now that you're really starting to adjust to having a human son."

"Oh, I see," Mrs. Cake said thoughtfully. "I suppose you're right. But you will help us if something else were to come up, right? Something human related that we don't understand?"

Lyra nodded with a grin. "Try and stop me."

"So, what should I do until Saturday?"

"Love him, hug him, give him a cookie. You're his mother, do what you think is best for him. After all, I'm not a mother. I'm just the mare you come to when there is problem where a human is involved."

"You're not just some mare," Cup Cake gently chided her with smile on her face. "You're a good friend, Lyra. And, mark my words, you'll make an excellent mother yourself someday. You had better believe it."

Lyra looked aside and sighed in a faraway fashion. "Yeah... someday."

Poor extremely fortunate Timmy. When Mrs. Cake got home, she promptly showered him with maternal affection and baked him some fresh chocolate chip cookies and never explained herself. Afterwards, she would gather him and her two foals and snuggle by the fireplace until they fell asleep together.

Pinkie and Mr. Cake would discover them around dinnertime and join them. They were quite hungry that day.
> -21- Thursday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Um, Lyra, your door seems to be... sagging."

"Yeah, I know. Fortunately I know a few temporary soundproofing spells."

"Why is it sagging?"

"Because it's old. And when things become old, they start to sag."

"Is this going to lead to nightmare fuel?"

"Only if you keep asking about old sagging things."

"Fine," sighed the young woman in blue.

Lyra attempted to brace the door with some more magic. But it wasn't going to hold too much longer. "I'll see about having another installed tomorrow morning." She leaned back in her chair and kicked her legs until she found a comfortable position and looked over the woman. "So, Margaret, how goes the job search."

"Well, I met Rarity on my way here, and she asked me if I might like a short term job as a model. I think I'll take her up on it."

"Be sure she turns up the temperature," Lyra instructed her.

"Why?" Margaret asked in confusion.

"Because it's winter I happen to know what she wants you to model," Lyra explained, but didn't clarify. "Now, this is good. Your transition to Equestrian citizenship will go much smoother with a source of income."

"But it's just a temporary thing," the woman sighed moodily. "I may have to relocate to another city or town... again, if nothing comes up."

"Awe, don't be so pessimistic," Lyra told her with a comforting smile. "You'll find a job soon enough. Probably."

"Thanks," Margaret sighed despairingly.

"Oh, com'on," Lyra chided her, "you have eight more months to find a steady job. That's more than enough time."

"I just don't want to be drafted to the Frontier," Margaret muttered.

Lyra gave her a look of sympathy. "Well, I'm sorry, but we try and find a place for everyone in Equestria. If you're not born a citizen and can't manage to get a job as an adult, than the Frontier is where you're needed. Even if you did wind up out their, it would only be for a year or two. Work hard enough you'd be back in a couple months. Or, you might wind up liking it."

"What's there to like about being pushed away from civilization?"

Lyra sighed and shook her head. "You're not being pushed away from civilization, you're out there to expand civilization. Plenty of ponies volunteer for it, chasing dreams of treasure and adventure. And quite a few of them find it. It's also a proving ground for those looking to join Equestria but can't quite seem to fit in.

"And it won't all be hard work. There's no shortage of jobs out there, either. Cooks, cleaners, sanitation stuff, warehouse staff, farm hands, and a multitude of employers that are always looking for extra help."

"You seem to know a lot about it."

"I was penpals with the mayor of New Appleoosa for a few years," Lyra explained with a shrug. "Nice guy, got the chance to go out and see him one time, thanks to the railroads that they were just recently laying out there. Had a great big family, and I mean big, lost count, and owned the most popular restaurant out there. Got a couple amazing free meals a soft bed, and made a lot of good friends."

"You make it sound so charming," Margret said most dubiously.

Lyra rolled her eyes at that attitude. "It's not to Wild West, Margaret. It's just territory that we need to fill in order to discourage some of our less-than-friendly neighbors from trying to annex those empty spaces."

"What if they take it before you get there?"

Lyra smiled. "Then we show them the documents that prove the land belongs to the Equestrians and politely punt them back across the border."

"Does it belong to Equestria?"

"Yes," Lyra said impatiently. "Its was purchased long ago from certain bankrupt empires and kingdoms that didn't know what they had."

Margaret thought it over a moment. "Sounds reasonable. But, I would still rather not have to go."

Lyra thought for a moment. "Well, I might have something that'll help you find a job quicker." She stretched her magic over towards the bookcase and selected a specific volume. "Tell me, have you ever read Darkest Darkness's Guide to the Most Terrifying Things in Existence?"

After the brief modeling job with Rarity, Margaret soon found herself the first manager of Don't Trot on Me.

Aryanne would comment: "I can hardly believe it myself. But, one minute I was interviewing applicants, and the next I was giving her a promotion. She worked so hard one might almost think she was physically terrified of stopping. Though, I can't imagine why."
> -22- Thursday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to ask about the door?"

"Why?"

"Ugh," Lyra groaned in annoyance. "I was kind of hoping it would become a running joke today."

"Uuhh, Sorry?"

"No-no," Lyra apologized. "I tried to milk it too far."

She promptly grabbed her curtain rod and more duct tape to brace it better.

"So, should I just start talking or wait until you're done?" the brown stallion asked.

"I'm listening, Time Turner," Lyra said as she patted the strips flat.

"Oh, yes, well, that's good," the he replied somewhat reluctantly. He preferred a proper sitdown talk, but like so many of the ponies in this crazy town, Lyra could be unpredictable. Moreso than a normal mare anyway. "Well, as you know, Jessi and James, who've have been staying with me and my herd for the past few months since the 'incident', are going to be leaving soon. And, well, the family's a little anxious about things."

"Well," Lyra said as she managed to pull the door shut with a grunt, "Golden Harvest didn't want to let James out of her sight after what he did to her carrot patch. She probably harbors quite a bit of resentment, after all, that was her pride and joy. And she probably thinks he's going to light his own world on fire or something."

"Yes," Turner said with a grimace. "Derpy and I are still amazed she didn't burry the poor boy in the remains of her garden on the first day. Though, that may have been because of that soft spot she has for Jessi."

"That little carnivore could melt anypony's heart," Lyra chuckled. "Speaking of which, you have been keeping up her protein intake right?"

The stallion nodded vigorously. "Yep. We've ensured she gets the appropriate amount of meat the doctors instructed us to give her. The way she tucks it away, though, I'm surprised she doesn't resemble a beach ball." A guilty look then passed over his face. "Though, between you and me, recently I've been forced to peruse the petfood section due to the game animals apparently being scared away. And the Apples' pigs aren't quite ready for... the, er, butcher house yet."

"The animals running away would probably be Phillip's fault. And the petfood should be fine, as long as you get the chunky all-meat stuff," Lyra said, giving him a critical glare.

"Of course, of course," Turner said with a nervous grin. "If I didn't, my two wonderful mares would notice."

Lyra's expression changed again to one of surprise. "You didn't tell them? Do you realize how stupid that is? How did they not find out?"

"Well," he said, rubbing his mane as he looked at the floor. "I kind of explained that I found a different supplier, one where we wouldn't have to cut the meat ourselves, and they just smiled and each gave me a kiss."

Lyra suddenly smirked and put a hoof to her lips. "Uh, Turner? I think by now they may already know. They're probably playing you."

The poor stallion shoulder's slumped with a groan. "I suspect as much too. They'll keep playing along for a while and then let it all crash down atop of me, then treat me like a colt whose been caught with his muzzle in the cookie jar. Sometimes I think they're right."

Still smiling, Lyra felt a pang of pity for the stallion. He was letting his pride as his family's provider get away from him, and was ashamed all because he was forced to purchase what was labeled petfood for a houseguest. Harvest and Derpy loved the odd prank and ribbing, but toying with a stallion's pride like a slow boiling egg was going a little far. Not to mention it was as cliché a trope as you might come across in a cheap novel.

Lyra passionately hated those kinds of clichés.

Stepping over, she patted his shoulder kindly. "Now-now, Turner. Don't be like that. Your mares are just being a little inconsiderate. They don't mean to make you feel inadequate. Heck, if they knew how you felt, rest assured they'd apologize to you in the best way possible."

Turner sighed, though he was blushing a little. "I know, but, I would rather not have my stallion pride trod upon. Boiled like a potato set to be mashed."

"Nnnooot quite the metaphor I would have used, but that's exact context I was hoping for nonetheless," Lyra said with a devious grin on her face. "Now, instead of helping you be the mediator between a angry mare and a disgruntled teenage human, how about I help you create a counter offensive that'll knock those two mares back on their plots and get you wonderfully rewarded for it in the process?"

The stallion's eyes went wide and he stared at the mint mare for a long time before finding his voice again. "Y-you'd do that?"

Lyra was a little offended. "What? Just because I'm a mare doesn't mean I'm going to side with them every time. Plus, I owe that mailmare for a certain rattlesnake letter prank(1)."

Time Turner's face twisted into a smile that almost trumped Lyra's. "Well, then. Tell me, what must I do?"

And so, behind the patched up door, two ponies schemed.

(1) It's where you take a paperclip and bend it into an arch with hook on either end to loop a rubber band around, then place another paperclip through the rubber band and wind it up. Then seal it in an envelope and leave it in a mailbox.
> -23- Thursday Part: Six
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, you helped deliver a human child?"

"Yeah. Fairly interesting, too. Did you know, that to give birth, human's lie on their backs rather than on their stomachs?"

Lyra nodded. "Yep."

The white pony huffed a bit at being the only uniformed person in the room. "Well, I didn't. Almost got me in trouble too. I kept yelling at her that she was going to hurt herself and the baby. By the time the obstetrician arrived she was in tears and panicking."

"Well, Redheart, now you know, and won't make that mistake again," Lyra informed her kindly. She was barely holding back a fit of chuckles at the angry scrunchy face the good nurse was making.

"I shouldn't have made it the first time," Nurse Redheart commented angrily. "They never covered these things at the medical school I attended. They believed mostly on teaching things by observation and on the job. Not a bad method per se. But when your school is in the middle of a town full earth ponies and unicorns, you'll find yourself seriously lacking many necessary skills."

"Like not knowing that human males don't have sheathes?" Lyra asked, wagging her eyebrows humorously at the now-blushing nurse.

"Sh-shut up," the mare pleaded, trying to hide behind her mane. "It was my first day. I was excited to meet my first human patient, and... well, I thought he was 'excited' as well. N-nothing happened."

"Oh, stop blushing," Lyra grinned impudently. "I'm just having some fun, girl. Let's go back to talking about the birthing. I assume it was Gene and Susan's. Am I right."

Redheart nodded, the blush subsiding. "Yes. A healthy colt..."

"Boy," Lyra corrected.

"Er, boy, yes. Thankfully, I managed to make up for the earlier panic by following the obstetrician's orders in a swift and concise manner. The birth was easy for the mother, and the father didn't seem to want to bite my head off anymore afterwards. Not that I would've blamed him if he had."

"Oh, get over it," the anthropologist waved off her silly sulk. "Ponyville General wouldn't be the same without you, and you know it."

"I suppose," Redheart sighed. Then she smiled and chuckled a bit. "Well, the other nurses and doctors had me to stay with the new mother and baby to help make up for earlier. I helped her fill out the paperwork, ensured she got an infant care basket, and instructed her in the proper methods to breastfeed her new son."

"So you did read those books I recommended," Lyra pointed out.

"Well, I just kind of glazed over the parts about human birth, since I'm not an obstetrician. The breastfeeding is something all nurses are required to read up on. Improper positioning of the infant during suckling can lead to dire consequences down the road. More so for bipeds, as they are more likely to receive lasting damage to their spines at such an early age if held wrong."

Lyra nodded in comprehension. "I can see that."

"Though, it is rather odd," Red heart continued from her last thought. "Human female mammary glands are much larger than even a milkmare's. Yet they don't even produce a tenth the amount of milk. What's up with that?"

"Just think of them as aesthetic pillows," Lyra suggest, growing slightly uncomfortable with the topic. "You know, make hugs softer, keep their babies comfortable, and have something to play with behind closed doors."

Redheart's blush returned. "Lyra! I was speaking from a professional medical standpoint. If you want to change the topic, just ask. Don't just try and me feel more uncomfortable than you."

Lyra sighed. "Sorry. Talking in-depth about human breasts just makes me feel uneasy."

"It's alright, Lyra. For me it's the toes," Redheart mused with an understanding nod.

"Seriously?" Lyra piped up, giving her an amused expression. "You don't like toes?"

"It's not that I don't like them," the nurse quickly countered. "They just look so weird."

"I think they're cute," Lyra responded, sticking out her tongue in defiance. "Especially when they're babies. Even you can't argue with that."

Redheart conceded that point. She had had to perform standard checkups on human infants before, finding them just adorable. She had even learned the Five Little Piggies nursery rhyme. Though she had no idea what roast beef was. But it made them squeal in laughter, and put a smile on her face.

Baby toes were definitely an exception.

"So what did they name him?"

"Excuse me?" Redheart shook the images of toes from her head and looked at Lyra. "What was that?"

"Gene and Susan's baby," Lyra stressed. "What did they name him?"

"Oh, sorry. Isaac. They named him Isaac." Redheart just shrugged. "Why do humans have such weird names?"

"Because, to them, naming themselves after something related to what they like or do for a living is less than practical," Lyra explained. "Unlike most ponies, their talents aren't set in stone. Or stamped on their butts. The ability to adapt is their greatest strength, and to them, a name need only identify who they are."

"Interesting concept," Redheart said, considering these things. "Definitely not practical for us, though."

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?" Lyra asked, glancing at her clock. "Your my last appointment today, so I can go a little longer than normal if you like. Maybe you could help me think up a proper gift for the new family."

Redheart thought for a moment, then grinned mischievously. "Speaking of new families. How about we talk about when you're finally going to get with Noteworthy and have a foal so that I can teach you proper breastfeeding techniques?"

Lyra glared at Redheart through narrowed eyes. "On second thought, you're getting out early."
> -24- Friday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fridays were a mix. Being the end of the work week, she had to see a few patients, settle accounts, ensure her employees were paid, and ensure she replaced or repaired whatever she broke during the week(1). She had already been forced to eat breakfast on the go to get her new door installed before her appointments arrived, and she was practically drooling in anticipation for the weekend. No more dealing with other people's problems.

"Coffee?" Lyra offered politely.

"Yes, please," yawned one tired mayor, holding out her mug.

Lyra topper her off as she checked the list of things the Ponyville politician wanted to discuss. She was nowhere near as bad as Twilight when it came to lists, in fact, she was actually quite reasonable. But, a career politician all the same, the good mayor was always searching for ways to keep in her citizens' favor, and that included weekly appointments with the local anthropologist.

"A little tired today, Mayor?" Lyra asked as she looked over the top of the document at the mare's slumped over figure.

The mayor just chuckled a little and sipped her hot coffee. "Well, it's just something to be expected when you and your stallion manage to keep up the spice in your marriage. I won't go into the details, of course, but I will give you this small piece of advice." She leaned in close as if she was going to tell a secret, Lyra turned her ears to listen. "Tease, tease, tease and complete. I'm sure you can figure it out from there. Hmm?"

"I'll keep that in mind," Lyra tittered with a small blush at a few images that danced in her head. "But, that's enough of that. How about we go over some of this week's voter suggestions."

Mayor Mare nodded and settled back in couch, nursing the coffee gently. "Remember. A lot of these are only on the list so that I can officially say that I passed them by the Department of Anthropology before tossing them on the reject pile."

Lyra grinned with genuine glee. These were always fun. "Number one: Move to ban the act of halting the cooking process of meat before it is thoroughly cooked to the state known as well-done. We believe this shall be beneficial to the health of the humans as a species, as the consumption of blood is known to lead to vampire-like attributes and extreme aggression. As an added incentive, humans would then be able to act more civilized out and about in public places, such as restaurants and parks."

Both mares laughed at this.

"You better not have led out with the best one again, Mayor," Lyra warned after the laughter subsided.

Mayor Mare shook her head good-naturedly. "I learned my lesson, Lyra. Now, please proceed to dissect it."

"With pleasure." Lyra cleared her throat. "First of all, the banning of food items in prohibited in Equestria since the No Famine Act, which ensures that food of any kind shall be plentiful and abundant. Now this could be considered a process instead, and, while there are certain ways of processing food that are strictly banned, cooking a dead, non-sapient animal with a nontoxic heat source is not one of them. The suggestion of vampire qualities is racist against thestrals. And, finally, telling ponies what they can and cannot eat would lead to frustration, which in turn would lead to the aggression they are claiming such a movement would suppress."

The mayor nodded at the quick and concise rhetoric Lyra had just delivered. "Bravo. Could you imagine next year's election if I took such a thing seriously? Those benefactor dinner parties I host would be a total flop."

Lyra agreed wholeheartedly. As one of the mare's benefactors, she was on that guest list. "Number two: Move to include hand soap as well of hoof soap in public restrooms... okay, that's just dumb." Lyra stared at the suggestion and rolled her eyes. "Some humans, I tell ya'. The soap in public restrooms is a registered cleansing agent for use by all races, including seaponies and dragons, as well as making for an effective mouthwash. It is called hoof soap because Equestria's population is mostly made up of ponies and other ungulates."

Lyra shook her head. "I'd a have field day with this if there were any names, Mayor Mare."

"That's why I leave the names out, Dr. Heartstrings," the mare chuckled.

"Number three: Move to require humans to wear traditional horseshoes... uuuh. Mayor, whoever suggested this one is a sick psycho. No more needs to be said. Not even I wear those things. Ugh."

"Yes," the mayor agreed, admiring her leather shoes with the rubber treads. "Why I remember when these were just a novelty, meant for fashion, rather than hard work. because they would slip right off. All because cobblers thought that the laces humans used were for decoration." Then she cringed. "I can still remember my mother taking me to get my first set of traditional shoes... up till then I had never been so miserable."

"I'm lucky my father managed to talk my mother out of those wretched things," Lyra added her two cents. "To suggest that soft-footed creatures like humans should be forced to wear them... it had better be just a sick joke. Though, it's in very bad taste."

"My suspicion as well," the mayor nodded.

"Anyway. Number four: Move to give the mayor a raise... as she totally deserves it... and is the best darn mayor ever... of all time... seriously?"

The mayor chuckled. "Oh, Lyra. Can't an older mare have her fun every now and then?"

"I could tell you weren't serious," Lyra informed her, still unamused. "But, it just seemed a little forced. Know what I mean? Your husband's an author, your son owns a logging company, one of your daughters is a dive instructor back east, and the other is married to Filthy Rich."

The mayor blew a raspberry. "Fine. I'll lay off the jokes. Don't right my own material anyway."

"Good, now that that's out of the way. Number five: Move to teach human children to walk on all fours in school."

This continued for quite a while, causing both mares to laugh, cringe and sometimes even gag at the stupid and outright outrageous motions that were making their way to the mayor's office.

"...armrests are unnecessary..."

"...doorknobs are anti-pony..."

"...ponies should be taught to stand on their hind legs..."

"...ban the combustion engine..."

"...requirement for humans to be bald..."

"...requirement for humans to wear mittens..."

"...stop humans from ranting about bacon..."

"...human children should learn to write with their mouths instead of their hands..."

"...investigate humans for possible candy hoards..."

"...ponies are stealing armrests..."

"...humans shouldn't wear clothes without special cause..."

"Ooh, my," Lyra wiped the tears from her eyes as the last of her laughter subsided. "These were some good ones this time. Do you think, maybe, they know we do this? That they're just giving us the material on purpose?"

Mayor Mare shook her head as she too dried her eyes. "I wish that were the case. But, I fear that everyone, ponies and humans, have their buttons that they feel just shouldn't be tweaked, and they want to feel validated for it. I like to think that they know these will never work, but..." She left it hanging there.

Lyra chuckled and sighed. "Yeah. I get it. At least, I think I do."

"At least you don't have to live with it," Mayor Mare told her as she began gathering up her effects. "That's my job, and it's one you should be thankful that you don't have."

"You don't need to tell me twice," Lyra said with a choking noise. "I like my job a little too much to give it up."

"And well you should," the mayor urged her. "There are few things worse than being stuck with a job you hate."

"Personal experience?" Lyra asked, interested.

Mayor Mare looked at the mint mare for a moment then lowered her head with a grimace. "My first job was making snow globes for tourists."

"And?"

"And I think I would have preferred to wear traditional horseshoes the rest of my life."

(1) Yes, this was a normal occurrence.
> -25- Friday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, Jack, you're now scared of one of your best friends because she asked to bite you?" Lyra asked, looking at the rather discomforted human across from her.

He nodded. "Yeah. It was so strange, one minute we were enjoying a friendly lunch at a café, and the next she wants to sink her teeth into me. I've been avoiding her all week."

"Well, that's not good," Lyra said as she wrote on her clipboard.

"Was I supposed to let her bite me?" Jack asked, eyes wide open in shock.

"No, not if you didn't want her to," Lyra explained as she leaned back. "But you should have told her 'no' rather than just avoid her. She's probably very depressed right now."

"W-what did I do wrong?"

"Not so much something you did wrong, as much as something you're unaware of," Lyra replied, setting the clipboard aside. "You see, thestrals have a very hard time fitting in with most of society. After Nightmare Moon was banished over a thousand years ago, ponies saw them as her agents, and attempted to chase them out of Equestria."

"Why would they think that?" Jack questioned, looking over his shoulder as though expecting to see something behind him.

Lyra chuckled and offered a small smile. "Because, Princess Luna, before the corruption, oversaw the birth of their race, and has been regarded as their mother ever since. Even today, they are naturally drawn to her by instinct. But, they prefer to life out in small towns like Ponyville, or the Frontier."

"Discrimination?"

Lyra gave a humorless chuckle. "Discrimination, Jack, is not being allowed to eat at a restaurant, or shop at certain stores. If only their problems were so trivial." She gave Jack a serious expression. "They weren't exactly chased from Equestria. But they were forced into hiding."

"But, What about Celestia?" Jack asked. "Didn't she do anything?"

Lyra nodded. "Of course. She managed to turn her sister into a fairytale, so that suspicions would subside, and then spent centuries coaxing her sister's subjects out of the wilds. But, not everything works out as it is attended.

"Some ponies in power saw the thestrals emerging from the wilds as a great opportunity to throw their weight around. They began spreading rumors about how these bat-winged ponies were barbarians, how they consumed blood to go into crazed frenzies, and had a preference for the flesh of virgins. Got ponies so riled up and in a state of near panic, that Celestia was forced to give into a multitude of demands and make a countless deals with the nobility of the time."

Jack was taken aback. "They forced Princess Celestia to do something?"

"She so desperately didn't want to see her sister's precious thestrals forced into hiding again, and she also didn't want to start a civil war," Lyra said with a small sigh. "She promoted a substitute that was to be rationed amongst them, which would keep the thestral's 'bloodlust' in check. Made laws that punished thestrals caught consuming meat. And even made it lawful for guards to search their houses on a routine basis in search of corpses."

"How long did this go on for?" Jack asked, horror written on his face.

"Up until a hundred years ago," Lyra replied, "just a couple decades after the first humans started falling through."

"What changed?"

"Celestia is not some dumb heartless tyrant," Lyra explained with a small smile. "Yes, she was foolish from grief and worry, but she knew what would happen if thestrals could not get the animal protein that they needed. So she ensured that each ration of the useless substitute was 'contaminated'. Allowing the nocturnal ponies to still live fulfilling, if somewhat weakened, lives.

"Then, one day, she noticed that many thestral mares were beginning to miscarry or produce stillborns, and what few foals that did manage to survive were weak and sickly. Even the malnourished mothers could no long seem to nurse their crying infants. Somepony was sabotaging all her hard work to preserve the nocturnal race."

"That must have made her upset."

Lyra glared at him for interrupting her story. "Yes, Jack, it made her very upset. She had been setting up contingencies since the beginning, and was now forced to put them all into play. From thousands of documents she had collected, and even certain political movements she had set in motion under the guise of third-person parties ages beforehand, she managed to steamroll through the elitist opposition and return full citizen's rights to the thestrals. As well as ensure the perpetrators of the genocidal act were caught and never seen or heard from again."

Jack was silent for a moment. "So, it took a bunch of foals dying to get her to do something?"

Lyra growled. "No, Jack. It just forced her to speed things up. You see, over the years, she had been upping the dosage of the 'contaminate'..."

"It was blood, just say it," Jack groused.

"Ugh, fine," Lyra groaned. "She was continually upping the amount of blood she placed inside the rations, thinking far enough ahead to order that the 'substitute' be dyed red to make it seem more natural than the sludge it was. That way she would eventually be able to tell the public that the thestrals been feasting on blood for years with minimum political fallout."

"Still, can't imagine she's too popular with them, even after all that," Jack mused.

Lyra shrugged. "Ponies are a forgiving lot. But even that took many years to heal. I suspect, there still those that hold a grudge. As well as many who still hold prejudices against the thestrals."

"I know I would. Hold a grudge against Celestia, that is. I'm fine with thestrals... when they're not trying to bite me. Not that do hold a grudge against Celestia... er. Never mind."

Lyra shrugged again. "Oh well. The point of this history lesson being, that your friend is likely very hurt, because some wounds can reopen."

"Because I won't let her bite me?"

"No. Because you're avoiding her," Lyra replied. "Thestral mares can be easily hurt that way."

"Then why does she want to bite me? Will it turn me into a vampire?"

Lyra shook her head. "When a thestral is very comfortable around you, they will offer to bite you, because they will never forget the scent of your blood. It's a way that they'll always know where you are, so that they can find you if they feel lonely or playful, or if they think you're in danger. All of Luna's Night Guard are required to bite each other, and her, in order to keep from getting separated."

"Bite the Princess who can move the moon?" Jack asked in disbelief.

Lyra giggled and nodded. "Kind of a test of courage in and of itself. I suspect they do it to Celestia as well. But... I really don't want to ask."

"D-does it hurt?"

Lyra shook her head as she looked at a particular spot on her right leg. "No. They've got numbing agents in their saliva. The most you'll feel is a bit of pressure. Won't even leave a scar."

"You've been bitten?"

Lyra nodded. "Not in Canterlot. It was when I moved here. Though, I feel I should warn you. Be sure to tell her that you sleep at night. Else she might show up at your window expecting you to come out and play."

"They do that?"

Lyra nodded and shuddered. "I am never, ever going to be that tired on a Monday again."

"So I should let her bite me?"

"Only if you want her to," Lyra pointed out. "If not, she'll understand. Although they do like the taste of human blood."

"What?"

"Oh hush. They only get it when it's donated or offered freely. I'm told it's very high in iron."
> -26- Friday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Miss Heartstrings?"

"What is it Millie?" Lyra asked her secretary.

"Twist came by with a message from her mother."

"Oh? What's did she say?"

"I was getting to that," Millie chided her like she would an impatient child. Lyra got that a lot. "She was instructed to tell you that the oven broke down today, so they would like you to join them for dinner this evening at the Jade Counter."

"Oof," Lyra rolled her eyes. "I kept offering to get her family a new oven, but no, she insisted that it would last a few more years at least. And she wonders why I pay the rent I do. I live there too, I oughta have a say in a few things. Right?"

"Mm, yes, Miss Heartstrings?" Millie answered with a shrug, not really a part of the conversation. "Well, that was all. I leave you with your client now."

Lyra waited until the earth pony closed the door behind her. "Well, thanks for waiting a little longer than usual. Had to reassure a guy that a thestral wasn't going to have him for a midnight snack after I pushed all his buttons for a laugh. Wound up with a headache instead." She sighed in disgust. "Let that be a lesson to you. Never tease humans about their most basic fears. They'll either panic or pummel you into pudding."

"Shouldn't you know not to do that then?" the stallion across from her asked with a smirk on his face.

Lyra was miffed. "Don't you dare question my status as the world's greatest anthropologist, Caramel. I earned that title with hard work and intense study at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted unicorns. Not even Princess Twilight's personal library contains as many human-related works as I have. Trust me, I've checked."

"Then how did you manage to mess it up?"

"Because I'm not perfect," Lyra groaned as she rubbed her temples. "I'm young and impulsive, and my mouth jumped ahead of my brain. But, at least I managed to resolve it without the need of violence." She stole a quick look at her baseball bat and ceiling fan, untouched.

"Well, could we hurry this session up, please?" the stallion asked, looking at the watch on his hoof. "I have a date in a half hour."

"Okay-okay, fine," Lyra replied. "Anime isn't real, you can't call upon breathe fire by force of will, climb on the ceiling, or keep animals inside of balls."

The poor earth pony turned bright red and covered his face with his hooves. "Why'd you have to bring that up? That was over a year ago."

Lyra smirked at him. "What goes around comes around, Caramel."

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry, alright?" the earth pony muttered apologetically.

Lyra got off her chair and went over to pat him on the head. "Apology accepted, Caramel. Though I'm not so sure if Fluttershy's quite forgiven you yet."

"None of the animals were hurt."

"Which is why you got let off easy," Lyra chuckled as she climbed back into her chair. "On a related note, I saw Princess Twilight earlier this week when I returned a book, and she said she loved your transcript on giant fighting robots."

Caramel perked up with a big smile. "Really? That's... that's great. I've got several others ready to go if she's interested."

"You betcha she's interested," Lyra beamed. "She's been looking for authors to help fill the foals' section of her library."

Still smiling, Caramel's eye twitched and his ears splayed out to the sides. "What?"

Lyra rolled her eyes, then adopted serious expression. "Caramel. You're a bright stallion, a hard worker, and have a magnificent imagination. But, you really need to not take these things so seriously. Human's enjoy stories that are bigger than life, and it's so easy to get swept up in them. You have to remember that it's just for fun."

"So were flying machines," Caramel pointed out defensively. "But humans proved that ponies like us could fly just like the pegasi. Why not go beyond that?"

Lyra bit back a sigh. This was reminding her of that one colt, who a propeller beanie, that kept on asking for her to check the anthropological archives for Half-Life 3(1). "Because the Equestrian government is interested in useful things, not novelties. The aesthetics alone would cost more than the technology to make it operate. Not to mention, the maintenance would be a combat engineer's worst nightmare."

Caramel looked like he was about to object, but then thought better about it. He instead opted to lower his and moan in despair. "Then it was all just a waste of time?"

Lyra rolled her eyes and bopped him on the head with her clipboard. "Knock it off. What you've done is incredible. You took human creativity and melded it with Equestrian imagination to make something entirely unique. Princess Twilight herself loved it, and that's saying something."

"But...," Caramel started, but then yelped when he was bopped again.

"No buts," Lyra ordered him. "You wanted this to be a quick session, so no interruptions. Understood?"

The stallion nodded.

"She loved your work, and if the bookworm princess herself likes it, that means everypony who is anypony will want some." She chuckled to herself. "Heck, all those nobles and sycophants have probably boosted the book market by trying to copy Twilight's library." She looked at Caramel to make sure the message was getting through. "In other words, Caramel, you have goldmine on your hooves. I would suggest you take advantage of it."

Lyra turned to look at the clock. "You'd better get going now. But, remember what I've said. Because, every mare wants a stallion that can provide, and being a famous author is probably more lucrative than doing a bunch of oddjobs around town."

"Thank you, I-I'll think on it."

Caramel left that session, his final session with the good doctor, with those thoughts in mind. He took them to heart and eventually became one of the forerunners of Equestrian manga. Going so far as to found and preside over the Equestrian Manga Society. Within a decade, nobles reading comic books(2) in public was as common a sight as fillies with ice cream in summer.

(1) Gabe Newell even makes ponies sad.
(2) Not just manga, but many different genres.
> -27- Friday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I suppose that was kind of a dick-move I pulled on Caramel," Lyra mumbled to herself, thinking back on how she brought up that embarrassing moment in his past to shift the topic away from herself. It did seem a little uncalled for. "Yeah. I'll make it up to him."

"What was that, Lyra?"

Lyra snapped out of her thoughts and looked at her next client. "Sorry, just thinking."

"Oh, what?"

"Nothing important," Lyra quickly replied behind a forced grin. She was not going to screw up again today.

"Oh. Alright then," the mare said with a shrug. "Well, today... today I'd like to talk to you about the possibility of procuring some ingredients for human recipes... for my restaurant."

Lyra nodded. "Okay. I know there are several warehouses and that produce and store human spices and plants that don't naturally exist in our world. Depending on supply and demand, the difficulty to grow... it could cost you a pretty penny, Fryer Crisp."

"Actually," Crisp began, looking a little nervous, "I'm thinking something along the lines of... animal products."

Lyra paused to think. "Could be a lot harder. Do you have anything specific in mind?"

The pudgy mare gulped as though she were facing a horrifying monster. "Er, well, um... beef?"

Lyra stared at her for a moment, and then cringed. "Oooh. That could be a little iffy."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Crisp sighed, lowering her head. "It's just that I hear humans talk all the time about steak sandwiches, meatballs, and brisket, and I really want repeat customers. Upon further study I found it was made from cow. Which, quite frankly, terrified me at first."

"A fairly reasonable reaction," Lyra told her. "But, you did find that earth cows aren't anything like Equestrian cows before you formed an angry mob, right?"

Crisp nodded. "I read the whole chapter. You have no idea how relieved I was when I finished."

"I can imagine," Lyra nodded. "But, well, I don't think you can actually procure any beef for your customers. At least, not unless you're planning on charging a fortune for each burger. It's pretty spendy."

Lyra's heart fell when she saw the despairing look on the fast-food mare's face. Many ponies had once worn that same expression when the price of Twinkies rose to ludicrous heights because a group of wizards thought it was the key to making an immortality potion(1). fortunately, ponies survived and found a workaround.

Which is exactly what Lyra had.

"However," Lyra said, raising a hoof. Fryer Crisp looked up in hope. "There, is somethings you should try before giving up." She grabbed a blank piece of paper off her desk along with a ballpoint pen. "Humans, being the smart and often ingenuous creatures they are, have created ways of simulating tastes when what they want is unavailable or too expensive."

That excited the chubby mare to no end. "Ooh. Yes! Gimme-gimme-gimme."

Lyra chuckled as she watched Crisp clap her hooves like a filly receiving chocolate. "Hold on, silly. I'm going to list some books and a few noted human chefs you'll want to talk to. They should be able to point you in the right direction for pleasing omnivorous stomachs."

By the time she was finished writing, the mare was practically bouncing in place. The whole office was vibrating.

When she finished, Crisp snatched the list away and bolted. "Thanks, have a nice day, bye."

"Uh, you're welcome," Lyra said to thin air. She started a bit as the door slammed behind the speedy fry cook.

She looked about her empty office and coughed a bit. "Well. That was fast. So, um... now I'm talking to myself. Why not? That was the last client of the day, and I'm done early. Hm."

She fidgeted a little in her chair. "I guess it's time to go over this week's finances, huh?"

"You'd better," Millie chimed sweetly as she strode into the room, followed by a couple other employees. "If you're out early, so are we. And we would like to get paid."

Lyra chuckled. "Planning a night on the town, are you?"

The other employees all grinned. Millie rolled her eyes, but smiled all the same. "What else has a young mare to do on a Friday night?"

(1) On a related note, the chances for a wizard to get diabetes rose dramatically.
> -28- Friday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra moved to the chair behind her desk and pulled a large green book out from a drawer and opened it to the appropriate date.

"Okay. This week's earnings. Starting with Monday:

"Aryanne: one time visit. Meeting arranged and paid for by her parents. 400 bits.

"Ricky: court mandated visit. Arranged by Mayor Mare. Paid for by himself. 500 bits.

"Jessica: new visitor. Brought in by the Flower sisters. Paid for by the Human Fund. 350 Bits.

"Ugh... Thrandor: new visitor. Displaced. Was managed to be herded into the clinic. Paid for by Human Fund. 600 bits.

"Turnip Time: one time visit. Arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits.

"Phillip: new visitor. Amalgamation. Category: terrifying. Brought in by Fluttershy, Rumble, and Pokey Pierce. Paid for by Human Fund. 550 bits.

"Tuesday:

"Mark Smith: final visit. Arranged by state. Paid for by himself. 500 bits.

"Jessi: routine visit. Amalgamation. Category: adorably nonlethal(1). Arranged by state. Paid for by Human Fund. 350 bits."

Lyra sighed wearily at the next one. "Cameron: routine visit. Arranged by state. Paid for by Human Fund. 350 Bits.

"Pipsqueak: moral guidance. Arranged and paid for by his parents. 275 bits plus two bottles of milk.

"Alice: routine visit. Arranged by state. Paid for by Human Fund. 350 bits.

"Timothy: post-adoption interview. Arranged by state. Paid for by parents. 300 bits.

"Wednesday:

"Local nuthouse: routine visit. Paid for by Human Fund. 1500 bits.

"Thursday:

"Social Justice: one time visit. Heehee. Arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits.

"Rarity: routine visit. Arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits.

"Cup Cake: post-adoption interview. Arranged by state. Paid for by herself. 300 bits.

"Margaret: routine visit. Arranged by state. Paid for by Human Fund. 350 bits.

"Time Turner: routine advice while housing humans. Arranged and paid for by himself. 400 bits.

"Nurse Redheart: routine visit. Arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits."

Here she picked up her pen to begin writing the Friday's layout.

"And, today:

"Mayor Mare: routine visit. Arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits.

"Jack: prescheduled visit. Arranged and paid for by himself. 425 bits.

"Caramel: routine visit. Arranged and paid for by himself. 400 bits.

"Fryer Crisp: routine visit. arranged and paid for by herself. 400 bits."

Lyra looked it over to make sure there were no mistakes, and then nodded. "Okay, just let me add this all up, and then I'll hand you this weeks paychecks." She altered between chewing the tip of her pen and writing as she considered the problem. "Hmmm. Okay, that adds up to 10,300 bits, minus 9 percent in tax... 9,373 bits. Janitor gets 400." She wrote out a check and passed it to the young stallion that kept the place clean.

He immediately took off to deposit it. Lyra and the remaining mares chuckled good naturedly at that.

"Clinic archivist gets 700." She passed her next check to the green mare that stood beside Millie. This one managed to leave with a little bit more dignity than the janitor.

"Aaaand secretary get 1000," Lyra said, passing the last check over to the earth pony. She looked back down at her book to write. "Leaving me with a decent 7,273 bits. All-in-all, not a bad week. Oh, you're still here, Millie?"

The pink and blonde earth pony nodded. "Yes, Miss Heartstrings. I was just wondering if you would like me to pick up anything for next Monday. That way I can take care of it on my way home and enjoy a free weekend."

Lyra nodded. "Good idea." She thought for a moment. She smiled as an idea formed. "Stop by the post office and order a couple new plushies from that sweet old gal in Minos. Oh, yes, and order a new mirror for the bathroom, too. Forgot to replace it after this Monday. Here." She finished another check and passed it across the desk. "That should cover it. Keep any extra if you want. Go on now, I'll close up the clinic."

Millie nodded and left.

Lyra, leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes for a few minutes after the mare left her office. "Whoo, boy. Another week in the exciting life of an anthropologist. Check that. The world's greatest anthropologist." She opened her eyes and looked about.

"Yeah. That's sounds much better when there are other ponies around." She shrugged. "Oh well."

She closed and put away the book and slid her checkbook into its hiding place before pulling out a red scarf and wrapping it about her neck. She glanced at her clock. "Hmm. I've got an hour before dinnertime. Assuming they keep to the usual schedule. Toy store's probably still open. Guess I'll see about getting Gene and Susan's new baby a proper gift before I meet with the family."

With that, she turned off all the lights and locked the doors before trotting out into the snow.

(1) Yes, that's an official categorization in Equestria.
> -29- Friday Part: Six
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The name Jade Counter would probably bring up images of the far east. Exotic foods and drinks. Wall scrolls covered in Asian calligraphy, or pictures depicted in India ink. Perhaps even oriental music playing in the background, with maybe a fountain or a koi pond if the owner was wealthy enough. Yeah, silly humans, this isn't earth(1).

The Jade Counter was more akin to a Midwestern American diner. Everything was so starchy, sugary, fatty, greasy or overly caffeinated that it would make any health nut scream in terror as their stomachs forcefully dragged them inside. The service was fast, the waiters rude, and the food to die for. It's namesake came from the fact that it had no tables, but rather just a long counter that encompassed the kitchen, which was painted green to help hide the stains. You either sat down or ordered take out, any loiterers would be evicted from the premises, and any unattended children would be given a free espresso and a kitten(2).

Carrying a small gift bag on her back, Lyra pushed open the door and quickly scanned for the family. Which didn't take long. Bon Bon and Twist were sitting on either side of Noteworthy, seemingly waiting for their food to arrive. She quickly made her presence known with a cheerful wave, before taking a seat next to the little filly, giving her a good-natured noogie in the process.

"Auntie Lyra," Twist squealed, hugging the mint mare. "I'm tho glad you're here."

Lyra chucked and hugged her back. "Aw, did you think I wouldn't come, Twister? Shame on you."

"We got thee Mithter and Mitheth Kaminthki'th baby today," Twist quickly explained, pushing away from the hug.

"Oh," Lyra said in realization. "You wanted to tell me all about it, didn't you?"

"She's been going on an on about it all day," Noteworthy stated, patting his filly's head. "It's about time you got your ear talked off same as the rest of us."

Lyra giggled. "Sure, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. What did you think of Isaac?"

Twist lifted her hooves to her cheeks, smooshing them as she sucked in a big breath of air.

"Order something or get out."

Lyra glared over the counter at the waiter, a salty looking stallion in a greasy apron. But, she knew and respected the rules. "I'll take three pieces of French toast, a breakfast pancake, a side of mushroom tomato soup, and a root beer." Any place that served breakfast all day was inarguably awesome. She looked at the other three. "I take it you've already ordered?"

They nodded.

"Just before you arrived, actually," Bon Bon said as she took a sip of some water.

"Okay. Now what were going to say, Twist?" She encouraged the little filly, who seemed slightly put out from the interruption.

"He wath tho cute," Twist began excitedly. "He didn't do much. But they thaid that'th becauth human babieth take longer to d-de-develop than pony babieth."

Lyra nodded in confirmation. "This is true. It'll most likely be months before he's able to move on his own. I trust you were gentle?"

Bon Bon chuckled. "She was. They even let her hold him."

Twist quickly bobbed her head up and down. "Yeah. He'th big, too. Kinda heavy. But hith thkin wath tho thoft and thmooth."

"Grilled cheese and celery, daisy and turnip hash with black coffee, and the winter salad," the waiter suddenly called out, setting the dishes in front of Twist, Noteworthy, and Bon Bon respectively. Then he addressed the filly directly. "Your strawberry milkshake will be done soon."

Twist waited until he left before continuing her story. "And he wath thquithy too. Kinda lumpy ath well."

"That's all the baby fat," Lyra explained with a smile.

"Here's your root beer." The waiter gave the mint mare a large mug of soda and ice.

Lyra took a sip and smiled. "He'll slowly start to use it up to increase his muscle mass as he gets older and moves around more." She used her magic to lift the gift bag up onto the counter, patting it with a hoof. "I stopped by toy store just a bit ago and picked up a couple gifts for him. A blanket and onesie animal costume. You can never have too many of those."

Bon Bon nodded. "At least it wasn't a rattle or a mobile. You would not believe how many ponies and humans thought they were being original."

"We're not exactly innocent in that regard either, honey," Noteworthy chuckled. His wife turned a bit red and puffed out her cheeks.

"Oh, hush."

Lyra put a hoof to her mouth and chuckled. "Really? Does this mean that I'm the only original thinker in this town?"

Bon Bon grumbled a bit.

"I brought a teddy bear," Twist stated with a broad smile.

"Wise choice," the mint mare said, rubbing her head. "Stuffed animals are always acceptable."

"As expressed by your room," Bon Bon piped up with a smirk.

Lyra was unfazed. "I'm a child at heart. Besides, the only thing that could possibly be wrong with having a bunch of plushies is that you refuse to snuggle them."

"Snuggle?" Bon Bon twisted a corner of her brow up. "Lyra, Sometimes I wonder if your mattress and blankets are even necessary."

Lyra quickly accepted her own dish from the waiter before he had a chance to say anything, along with Twist's milkshake, which she passed to the candy-colored filly. "Of course they are, Bonny. The blankets keep them from falling off the bed and onto the floor, and the mattress keeps them from getting too smooshed."

Bon Bon munched her salad and rolled her eyes. "At least you keep them clean."

It was true. Lyra took them to the local laundromat once a month, ever since the incident with Bon Bon's washing machine(3). She even restuffed them if the stuffing was getting a little too compacted. Which was quite a spectacle, considering some of them were of the life-size variety.

The unicorn grabbed a bottle of maple syrup and quickly drowned her French toast, before dunking her pancake in the soup and letting it sit. She took another sip from of her root beer and grinned at Twist. "So, anything else you want to tell me about the baby?"

Twist nodded, wiping away the cheese that covered her mouth before speaking. "He only had a little tuft on hith head. Even leth than hith daddy had."

The three adults couldn't help but giggle at that.

"Yeah," Noteworthy said. "Humans don't have much in the way of fur. Which is why they wear clothes, Twist. To keep from freezing to death."

"Among other reasons," Lyra added in, but didn't extrapolate. Twist looked confused while her parents looked away for a moment. "Anyway, it was really very nice of them to let you hold their baby, Twist. I hope you thanked them."

The filly nodded. "Of courth. Mitheth Kaminthki even gave me a cookie afterwardth. It wathn't ath good ath mommy'th though. But, thtill tathty."

"No one makes better cookies than a mother, Twister," Lyra said just before biting into her French toast. After a moment of chewing, she swallowed and gave the filly a sticky nuzzle to the forehead. "Don't ever forget that."

Twist chuckled as she grabbed a napkin to wipe away the syrup. "Are you gonna become a momma thomeday too, Auntie Lyra?"

Lyra froze, a second helping of the heavenly delight halfway in her mouth. She slowly turned and looked at the filly, and then at her parents, who wore certain unreadable expressions. Then she turned back to the hovering morsel and stuffed it in her mouth before leaning her head on one hoof.

"Thih ith really becoming a theme ithn't it?" she spoke around a mouthful of French toast.

(1) This message has been brought to you by the Department of Anthropology.
(2) This last part terrified many parents of already hyperactive offspring.
(3) It involved parasprites, a ukulele, six ounces of baking soda, and vinegar.
> -30- Saturday Part: One
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra tossed her faithful companion, Bruno(1), at her alarm clock. Years of training giving her a pavlov response, as well as an incredible aim. The poor brass alarm made a terrible clatter as it fell behind the dresser.

Smacking her lips, she sniffed the air. Not until she smelled pancakes, oatmeal, or eggs, perhaps even waffles, would she get up out of tender loving bed.

"Lyra, it's your turn to clear the snow from the walkway."

Curse you, Bon Bon.

The poor mare threw aside her blankets and stomped her way up the stairs of her basement apartment, making her presence known throughout the whole house. The other inhabitants barely noticed as she made her way to the front door. Just another Saturday in the household.

"Burn into nothingness foul devils of the cold," Lyra shrieked as she lit up an exceptionally powerful flame spell on to melt the snow away from the stone path that led to the street. After all, she had gone to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. The billowing cloud of steam was all that remained to tell the terrible tale.

"Good morning, Lyra," a neighbor bid her as she passed by the front of the house.

Lyra paused a moment to wave back and return a kind hello, before heading back inside.

She stomped her way back through the house and into her room, slamming the door behind her. The mare then proceeded to cocoon herself with her blankets and plushies until only her nose was visible.

Now, just to wait for breakfast. In the meantime, she would contemplate the mysteries of the universe from the confines of her warm encasement. Such as the fact that later today she would play in the snow like a child, contrasting her earlier behavior. Somethings, she mused, were just unsolvable.

"Auntie Lyra, it's on."

The universe was boring. Lyra shot out bed and zipped up the stairs like her tail was on fire, a girlish grin of glee lighting up her face.

She skidded to a halt in the living room and slipped her rump under the Kotatsu's futon next to Twist's, and promptly began tapping her hooves in expectation.

Anime, one of those things that was so bizarre, so over-the-top, and so much fun, that their society just had to adopt it. Ponies, typically young males and tomboys, ate it up like saltwater taffy, whether it was the human's stuff, or their own. Though, this particular show, which was Lyra's and Twist's favorite, was a mix of both.

It was actually modeled off the Elements of Harmony, except with enormous impractical weapons that matched their special talents. Princess Twilight carried a giant scroll containing innumerable dues ex machinas(2), Rainbow Dash carried a carried a giant boomerang that transformed into a hundred smaller boomerangs with a sonic rainboom, Applejack wore heavy metal boots that allowed her to smash anything, Fluttershy wore special glasses to help contain the immense power of the Stare, Pinkie Pie rode atop a giant alligator armed with howitzers(3), and Rarity carried a giant enchanted sowing needle.

This Saturday's episode featured just Rarity, summoned by the Table to a far off island. An island under attack by giant crabs. Using her giant needle and magical thread, Rarity fought them in an epic battle that reduced the island's active volcano to rubble and unearthed an ancient relic that she brought back to the Castle of Friendship. Another piece to the secret origin of the Elements' creators.

It ended with the Mane Six dancing in Japanese schoolgirl uniforms while the end credits rolled.

"They could have at least found voice actors that sounded like the real ones," Bon Bon mentioned from the other side of the kotatsu. Both Lyra and Twist gave her unamused looks. "What? I'm just saying."

"Typical," Lyra whispered to Twist, who giggled.

Breakfast had been brought out sometime in the middle of the episode, waffles and scrambled eggs, with a pitcher of apple juice and a bottle of milk. Noteworthy had staggered from the master bedroom and into the living room near the end, accepting some coffee and a kiss from Bon Bon, who already had a large plate prepared for him.

"So," Lyra began watching as the drowsy stallion clumsily ate his breakfast, "been busy?" She grinned and waggled her eyebrows incredulously.

Bon Bon glared at her, while Noteworthy took a moment to process what she had just said, then grinned in confirmation. At least until his wife gave him a kick in the shin. Then he adopted a serious expression.

"Don't you have some things to take care of today, Lyra?" the candy maker growled warningly.

Still smiling, Lyra took the hint and said her goodbyes before gathering her scarf and saddlebags and heading out into the cold.

(1) A newer one, as the old one had been lost in that landslide.
(2) Not really necessary, but it looked cool.
(3) Make her mad, we dare you.
> -31- Saturday Part: Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra had decided to take a quick jog around Ponyville before heading to Sugarcube Corner so as to work off some of her breakfast, as well as to give them plenty of time to prepare for her visit. She even stopped at the bridge to check if the ice was thick enough for skating later.

This then led to her being carried down stream by the current until the local weather team scooped her out of the water and dried her off with some high winds. A quick trip the spa got her fur, mane and tail back in order. Then she made her way to Sugarcube Corner. But she got sidetracked when a snowball fight erupted in the town square.

After successfully driving off the enemy hordes thanks to the timely arrival of a well-crafted catapult, she found herself dragged in a celebratory dance off. Once the dancing ended, she got roped into making snow angels with some of the towns children, which ended with some hot chocolate brought out by the mothers, who just insisted she have some as well(1).

Attempting once again to reach the bakery, she had a sudden thought, which took her to Town Hall. Where she saw and asked the mayor to put up a warning sign for the thin ice by the bridge. It was quickly approved.

Outside of Town Hall, she found a group of carolers who were in desperate need of a soprano. She stayed with them until they reached Sugarcube Corner, where she managed to pass the hat to another mare.

"Cool. All that only took an hour," Lyra cheered as she looked at her watch. "It's not even lunchtime yet."

"Er, you are coming in, right?" asked Mr. Cake, who was holding open the door. A big CLOSED sign was hanging outside. They had closed early for this meeting.

"Of course, of course," the mint mare said as she slipped past him into the establishment. "Hope I didn't keep you waiting."

"Oh, not all," the lanky stallion shook his head, closing the door and following her inside. "It's given us enough time to prepare for your arrival. Um, Cup Cake and I thought it would be best to meet in the back room, rather than out in the store area."

"Good choice," Lyra nodded. "Be sure the curtains are closed too, this is a private meeting between doctor and patient. No need for eavesdroppers."

"Pinkie already thought of that."

"Oh? Pinkie's going to be there?"

Mr. Cake gave a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his head. "W-well... it's just that... we've come to think of her as being like a daughter. We just thought that..."

"It's fine," Lyra chuckled. "You're the parents, so I'll trust your judgement. If you think she deserves to be here, than who am I to argue?"

"Oh, good," the yellow stallion sighed in relief.

They made their way into the back room, the family room really, and there they saw everyone sitting patiently. The twins were playing with some toys on the rug with Pinkie hovering close by, and Mrs. Cake sat on the couch next to Timothy who was twiddling his thumbs nervously. There were even refreshments set aside for them. Mr. Cake crossed the room and took a seat on the other side of his adopted son, giving him a quick reassuring side-hug.

Lyra chose the soft chair across from them, taking off her saddlebags and scarf before sitting down. "Awe, I suppose you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

"Uh, not really," Mrs. Cake said, confused. "You told me you were going to help us. That is correct, right?"

Lyra sighed in mock despair. "Ah, Hercule Poirot, you are so underappreciated." Pinkie giggled. At least one other pony in the room understood. Possibly. It was hard to tell with that mare. "Well, I guess I'll  just begin then."

She pulled out a book from her saddlebags and flipped to a specific page. "So, I assume, you applied the basic bonding activities listed in the standard adoption care package, right?"

The Cakes nodded. "Yes," Mrs. Cake said, leaning in close to Timothy. "I've established a bedtime routine of tucking him in and singing few lullabies before he goes to sleep."

"And I've taken to letting him help out in the kitchen," Carrot added, patting the boy's back.

"And I make sure there were no bogeys in his closet or under his bed," Pinkie piped up, producing a copper ladle, which she brandished like a sword. She wore a serious expression too. "They think they're so sneaky, slipping through the cracks after the parents leave, waiting to scare innocent children out of their treats. One good whack on the head and they learn their lesson good. And how."

This might have been seen as utterly ridiculous, if it weren't for the fact that bogeys did exist in Equestria. They were about the size of a stallion's hoof, nearly indestructible, and cowardly as well as being weak as newborn kittens. Moths were considered more dangerous. What made then troublesome was that loved frightening children with their imitation magic, coercing bits of food and shiny objects out of them. The best remedy was to whack the invasive creature over the head with a blunt object and give it a stern lecture before sending it on its way.

"Good for you Pinkie," Lyra applauded her. "But, let's hear what Timothy thinks of it all. What are some of your favorite things that your new family has done for you? Please, tell us."

All eyes turned on the boy, who was looking a little embarrassed about the words that were revolving around him. He grew a little red when every one leaned in close to listen. He swallowed in apprehension.

"W-well," he began, wringing his hands together. "I... I really like h-how each of you t-take time to be with me. I-it means a lot to me. Really. I really do l-like being tucked in at night, and helping ar-around the kitchen. And Pinkie is just what I would imagine a b-big sister to be like."

Pinkie's slime threatened to split her skull in half as she beamed at the praise. She picked up the twins in her hooves, both of them squealing in infectious glee as Pinkie bounced in place. This seemed to help boost the boy's confidence.

"The twins, also, I like holding and playing with them." He actually managed a laugh. "I like have siblings. It's... it's great. I never thought I would actually... actually..."

He broke down crying. The twins and Pinkie immediately stopped what they were doing and frowned in confusion. "W-why are crying, Timmy?" Pinkie asked, giving the two foals a gentle squeeze. "Please, don't tell me we did something wrong."

Mrs. Cake quickly embraced him, rubbing his back and nuzzling him comfortingly. "There-there, no need to cry, Timmy. Momma's got you. What's all this about?"

Mr. Cake joined her. "It's okay, son. You can tell us what's wrong."

Timothy reached his arms out and hugged the two ponies tightly. Lyra just watched on with a fond smile. This was a good thing.

After a while, the young boy began to calm down and released his grip, as did Mr. Cake. Mrs. Cake, however, refused to let go of her child, heavy tears falling down her own cheeks. Lyra moved quickly to keep things progressing.

"That's good, Timmy," she said reassuringly, "there's probably more, but that's all we needed." It was time to enact the next phase of her plan. "Now, Mr. and Mrs. Cake," she waited until she was sure she had their attention, "perhaps you could tell Timmy some of your favorite things about him. You as well, Pinkie. Please, be as open and honest as you can."

Mrs. Cake was the quickest to volunteer, beating Pinkie by shear fractions.

She raised herself up a bit more and pulled Timmy's head against her chest so that she could look down at his face. "Timmy... since the first day we opened our house to you, I've loved taking care of you. Your very first night here, I even sat by your bedside that night until you fell asleep. You're an especially thankful child, Timmy. No matter how small or how big a thing, you've always expressed gratitude. You've been such a blessing to my little family, and I know my little foals will grow up loving you just as much as your father and I. I suppose, if I have to choose a favorite thing about you... it's that you're here, Timothy. Close enough to hold."

Lyra lifted her book a bit more to try and conceal her watering eyes. She knew this was going to get emotional, she just didn't figure it would effect her this much as well. She cleared her throat.

"Okay, that was good, Mrs. Cake," she said, disguising the emotion in her voice with professionalism. "Now, how about..."

"Ooh, me next, please-please-please-please," Pinkie said, lifting a hoof in the air and waving it about like A+ student in class.

Everyone couldn't help but chuckle, even through the tears, as Pound clung onto the waving pink hoof, squealing in delight.

Lyra shook her head. "Not now, Pinkie. Why don't we let the father go next?"

Pinkie lowered Pound back down to her lap and nodded, slightly disappointed. "Yeah, I can see that working better."

Lyra turned back to the yellow stallion. "Mr. Cake, if you would, please."

Carrot cleared his throat nervously, not wanting to mess up. He placed a firm reassuring hoof on the boy's shoulder. "Son, I also remember your first day. At first, your mother and I were a little worried and confused on how to take care of a human guest in our home. But, we managed the best we could, and made sure everything was ready for your first night here, all the months ago. I've watched you go from that frightened little colt... er, sorry, boy, to the wonderful son I have today. Since the beginning, I've stood by, ready to listen and help you whenever you needed it. I will always be there for you, Timmy. My favorite thing... is that I know my family will be in good hands with you."

Mrs. Cake reached over and pulled her husband into the hug. The lanky stallion nuzzled the boy's head and then whispered in his ear, "plus, with you here, us guys break even with the gals."

Everyone overheard that and laughed.

"Can I go now?" Pinkie asked, looking expectantly at Lyra. The mint mare nodded. "Yes!"

Pinkie promptly placed Pound and Pumpkin in Timmy's lap and leapt back, taking a deep breath. "Timmy, I'm not really a member of the Cake family. I'm a Pie. Although, cakepies(2) are delicious. Why don't we get more orders for those? Anyway. Mr. and Mrs. Cake have been like a second family to me, and when I found out they were going to adopt you, I knew then and there that I wanted you to consider me a big sister. My favorite thing is that, today, you confirmed that you do think of me like a big sister. It truly means a lot."

She stepped up and joined the hug, resting her head below Timothy's chin. "And I will do my best to hold that title. Forever."

That was it. The emotional walls the young boy had built up around himself came crumbling down. He sobbed openly and clung to the family that clung to him. Even the twins were caught up in it all, they hugged their big brother's stomach, cooing comfortingly.

"Th-thank you," Timmy wept joyfully. "Thanks, Pinkie. Thanks... m-mom a-and dad."

Mrs. Cake gasped in shock. He had finally said it. He finally called her mom. She covered his cheek in kisses while she cried along with him. Mr. Cake was right beside them, his heart soaring. Though he managed to hold back a bit, preferring just to nuzzle.

"This calls for a celebration," Pinkie shouted, jumping off the couch and pulling a giant cakepie from behind her back. No one questioned it. It was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. "Care to join us for a slice, Lyra? Lyra?"

All eyes turned towards the now vacant chair. She was gone. Everyone was so caught up in the moment that she had just slipped away.

Pinkie shrugged as she quickly divided the confection into appropriately sized portions. "Oh, well. Her loss."


*	*	*


Lyra stood outside the bakery, dabbing at her eyes with the end of her scarf. That had worked out even better than she had hoped. It felt good. Knowing that she had helped a family in need. They didn't need her sticking around anymore. This was their day.

When she felt she was composed enough, she stole a glance at her watch. "I'll head to rarity's after lunch. Hehe. I wonder what'll happen on my way to the café."

She was off, and promptly sidetracked by hot apple cider stand that promised her a whole jar in exchange for an albino blue jay feather. Now, where could you find such a feather? Quills 'n' Sofas of course.

And she was off again.

(1) Someone you trust helps your kids use up some of that infinite energy, you'd be thankful too.
(2) Yes, this is real, praise all that is holy.
> -32- Saturday Part: Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"After I beat the diamond dog at that wrestling match, I was awarded with the Boneroot. I took that Boneroot to the singing bush, who told me I could find the ball of silver yarn in ghastly gorge. Surviving that, I took the silver yarn to the old ewe and she gave me the rusty horseshoe. I took that old thing to that creepy old mare on the edge of town, and received the diamond whiskey bottle. I gave the bottle to Mr. Rich, who gave me his prized bowling ball. Used the bowling ball to win the bowling tournament, and receive the hoofball tickets. I gave the tickets to Big Mac and his pals so that I could have one of his work harnesses. I gave the harness to Fluttershy, who gave me a jar of rainbow from her father. I gave the jar to Mr. Breezy at Quills 'n' Sofas, and received the albino blue jay feather. Then I traded the feather for this jar of apple cider."

Lyra grinned as she held up her prize proudly for Rarity to see.

"Are you sure you're not related to Pinkie Pie?" the white mare asked dubiously.

Lyra nodded. "I am one hundred percent sure that I am not related to her in any way whatsoever."

Rarity shrugged. "If you say so, dear. Now, why don't you leave that here so we can get on with your fitting." She took a few steps before freezing in realization. "Wait a second. Did you say that you gave Big Mac's harness to Fluttershy?"

"Uuuh, yeah, I don't think I was supposed to mention that," Lyra said nervously, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "Please don't say anything, Rarity. I'll buy five swimsuits if you promise to be discrete."

Rarity considered it for a moment. "Six. And you have to purchase one piece of lacy lingerie while you're here as well."

"Fine," the mint mare conceded with a grunt as she set down her saddlebags as well. The bowling ball made them extra heavy. "But the lingerie gets to be red."

"I'll allow it," Rarity shrugged. "Considering the activity it's meant for, that will be just fine. Any plans in that regard?"

"Someday," Lyra said, then quickly added, "maybe."

Rarity chuckled and rolled her eyes as she led Lyra towards a raised platform. "You're not getting any younger, Lyra."

"I've got decades left for that stuff," Lyra responded, turning a bit red, and a little upset. "Don't exactly see you prancing about with a stallion either."

Rarity just smiled. "I've got my eye one few good prospects. But, between making sure I get my business running smoothly and saving Equestria on a regular basis, I'm a little swamped. You, however, have a delightful little herd that's just waiting to happen. What's your excuse?"

"Lack of courage," Lyra grumbled as Rarity began comparing fabrics to her fur. "So, did you watch the latest episode of Super Harmony Friends Force?"

"Changing the subject, huh?" Rarity chuckled, but conceded. "Yes, I did. But, as thrilled as I was to see an episode all about moi, I can't help but feel the writers decided to forgo a proper script and just throw a lot of action together. I mean, they had me... that is, the character based off of me, finish the whole fight with the Infinity Needle Cross-Stitch, a move she previously only ever used on very powerful villains. Why would it be necessary to use such an attack on a bunch of mindless crustaceans?"

"Because it looks cool," Lyra stated with a grin. "But, yeah, I admit, it was a little over kill. Though, I wasn't expecting to see another of the relics to appear already in the series."

Rarity nodded. "Yes, I found that a mite curious myself. There wasn't even any build up to it. It really just felt like filler episode. Really not flattering at all."

"Still fun," Lyra said with a shrug as she looked back at what Rarity was doing. "Oh, pink. Yeah, I can see that working."

"Lavender pink, darling," rarity corrected her. "And, yes, it will work marvelously as the base. It's so nice to work such a rare fur collar."

"Rare?" Lyra had never heard that before.

"How many other mares have you met with mint fur?" The seamstress had a point.

"Still don't see what's wrong with red, though. It would certainly draw the colts' attention, don't you think?" the mare's smile with big and meant a lot.

"Only if you want attention from the immature ones," Rarity huffed. "No. You've got plenty of natural beauty, Lyra. And I plan on accentuating it."

Lyra's blushed a bit. "Well. Thank you. I try my best. But, how are you going to accentuate all my natural assets?"

Rarity chuckled a bit. "Trust the tailor, dear. Now, do you want an elastic band or side ties?"

"Side ties," Lyra said. "Elastic is really uncomfortable for me, and it pulls my fur something awful."

Rarity made a quick note of that. "Plenty of mares feel the same way. Earth ponies seem to prefer it though, makes it easier for them."

"That means I'm gonna make Bonny so jealous," Lyra beamed, striking a pose. Which resulted in a needle pricking her flank. "Yeeowch."

"Don't move, Lyra," Rarity scolded her. She examined the wound. "It's not bleeding. The fabric will be fine."

"I'm okay, thanks," Lyra muttered sulkily.

"Don't act like such a little filly."

"I'm trypanophobic."

"No you're not."

"No, I'm not," Lyra sighed as Rarity continued working. "So, how much longer is this going to take?"

"Just a minute more." Rarity began pulling things out of draws with her magic until it was like a veritable tornado was flying around her as she stitched, snipped, and tweaked the fabric. Needless to say, Lyra found herself standing very still throughout this part of the process. "Aaaand... done. Have a look, Lyra."

Glad to move, Lyra turned towards a mirror. "Ooh, that is nice. Now I see what you meant by accentuating my stuff."

"Those highlights will guarantee a stallion's eyes will be locked on all those delightful curves and bits," Rarity beamed. "Why, come this summer, you'll have a certain blue stallion's full attention."

Lyra gave Rarity an unamused look. "If I promise to kiss the guy the next time I see him, will you stop that line of thought?"

"On the lips," the white unicorn said, bouncing her brow in an insufferable fashion.

The other unicorn turned bright red. "Oh, com'on. Really?"

Rarity nodded with a wicked smile. "You just need a little push, dear."
> -33- Saturday Part: Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra managed to get home without any incidents. Save for a certain slushball sniper who eluded her vision. But that was okay. She just levitated a hundred or so snowballs up from the ground and flung them in the general direction of the attacker. It promptly stopped after that. She hadn't used that technique during the morning's snowball fight, because that just wouldn't have been fair to a bunch of foals. This sniper threw too hard to be a foal.

"Hope there was a rock in one of those," Lyra muttered as she rubbed a bruised shoulder. "That really hurt. What jerk chucks those things at pedestrians?"

Anyway, she closed the door behind her and declared herself to the household. "It's me, Lyra, I'm back."

"In the family room, Lyra," came Bon Bon's voice. "Come say hello to our guest."

There was no way Lyra was letting that mare see her bags. She might want to look in them. Then she would find the lingerie. She would never be able to live that down. "In a minute, Bonny, I'm just going to put away my stuff."

"Oh, don't be rude, Lyra," the mare chided from the other room. "Just come in here and say hello, and tell us about your day."

Lyra sighed. Maybe the earth pony wouldn't notice. And maybe she was going to sprout wings and become empress of the Western Isles. Speaking of which, she hoped she got a postcard from Mr. Smith soon.

"Coming, Bonny."

Lyra could have left her bags by the door, but, better Bon Bon and her guest see what she had than little Twist.

In the family room, she found Bon Bon and the resident milkmare. "Hiya, Milky. What are you doing here?"

"Just came over to talk with my favorite cousin, and deliver what I owe for my little Pip's therapy," the mare in question answered with a wave as she stuck her nose into her work bags. She pulled out two full bottles and allowed Lyra to grasp them in her magic. "I've been eating a lot of blackberries left over from the harvest. Should give it a smooth taste."

"You have left over blackberries?" Lyra asked in amazement. "We ran out months ago."

"And just whose fault is that?" Bon Bon asked redundantly.

"It's not my fault your crumbles are to die for," Lyra waved her off. "So, Milky. What else you here for?"

"Well, as you know, I am the only milkmare in Ponyville," the earth pony began with a smile, which promptly started to fall. "Which, of course, means that the supply has a hard time meeting demand. I'm not a cow like Bessie down the street, I can only do so much by myself. Which is why I'm trying to convince my dear cousin here to have another foal so we can both benefit from some extra income."

"First of all, Milky," Bon Bon spoke up, "Noteworthy and I are already in the process of trying to have another foal. We're both kinda hoping for a colt this time. And second of all, I run a candy shop. I don't know if I have the time."

"It takes less than twenty minutes with a proper milking machine," the mare responded quickly. "It really is a simple morning and evening routine. If that's too much for you, then what are you doing with your life?"

Bon Bon mulled it over and then look down at herself. "Hmmm. I dunno, do I even have the right kind of body for that?"

"Oh, stop pulling out excuses," Milky rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Any mare can do it as long as they take the time. Milkmares have been in our family for generations, which means it'd be a snap for you. You don't have to give me an answer just yet, I'll wait until you have that foal of yours, then see what you think of it then. Deal?"

Milky stretched out her hoof towards her cousin.

Bon Bon mulled it over for a bit then bumped the hoof with her own. "Deal. I will think it over."

"You're gonna do it," Lyra quipped with a chuckle. Bon Bon gave her a withering glare. Lyra just rolled her eyes. "Okay fine. But, you know I'm right."

"As do I," Milky chuckled, giving Lyra a wink. Bon Bon blushed.

Then the candy maker noticed the saddlebags. "Lyra? What's in your bags?"

Before Lyra could react, the nosy mare had lifted the lip of the bag and pulled out the bowling ball. "Um... what? Lyra? Where did you get this?"

The mint mare almost collapsed in relief. It was the other saddle bag. "Oh, just something needed in order to get this jar of apple cider."

She quickly reached into her other saddlebag and whipped out the jar. Which was caught on the clothes bag from Rarity's Boutique, which promptly spilled out once she extracted the jar.

So, there they were, three mares, two shifting awkwardly, and one blushing like beet, staring at six swimsuits and a piece of lacy red lingerie on the floor. Lyra wanted to crawl into a crack in the wall and die.

"Honey, I'm back early from my meeting," Noteworthy called as he entered the house.

Lyra's pupils shrank to pinpricks as her deal with Rarity barged its way to the forefront of her mind. "Crap."
> -34- Saturday Part: Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did Noteworthy have to be such a good kisser? Sure, she enjoyed it. But, having to explain that it was all to make good on a deal with Rarity did not make Bon Bon happy. Never mess with a stallion's more romantic feelings, especially in front of his loyal wife. It was very cruel and selfish. And that made Lyra feel like a horrible tramp.

Ever the good friends, Bon Bon and Noteworthy had seen fit to forgive her this trespass. So long as she agreed to a date. Which was fair.

Lyra shuffled nervously as the waiter placed a bowl of salad down before her. Directly across from her, with a plate of spaghetti, sat Noteworthy, looking equally as nervous. To the stallion's right was Bon Bon, looking nonplussed as she slowly ate through a large bowl of strawberry ice cream. A sure sign she was still in the process of calming down.

"Thank you," Lyra said as the waiter left. She cast a glance at Bon Bon.

It was standard practice in Equestria for the wife/wives of a stallion to join him on dates with a possible new herd member, so that they could interview and observe their interaction with each other. It was a good way of finding out whether or not the new prospect was really good for the family. But, that was not why the candy maker was there. Bon Bon had already decided long ago that Lyra could join the herd at any time.

She was really just there because there was no ice cream at home, due to Twist taking it with her for a sleepover at the new Crusader Clubhouse.

"So, Noteworthy," she began, trying to come up with some sort of conversation topic, "how was your meeting with the local music guild?"

Quickly swallowing, Noteworthy gave a stuttered reply. "I-it w-went well. V-very well. We're p-planning on holding a small concert in town square n-next Wednesday. I w-was about to tell Bon bon... b-before..."

"Again," Lyra said, "I am so sorry. I panicked. I was going to talk to Bonny, see how we could work out my deal with Rarity, then I spilled my swimsuits and lingerie out into plain sight."

"Lingerie?" Noteworthy found himself blushing. Lyra's eyes went wide. Bon Bon just facehoofed and sighed.

"Y-you didn't see my unmentionables?" Lyra asked, her face losing a bit of color.

"I was a little out of it for a bit," the blue stallion coughed politely.

"You were staring off into space for about twenty minutes," Bon Bon quipped, before shoving another spoonful of the cold dessert into her mouth. She noticed her husband looking abashed, and leaned over to give him a sugar-coated kiss. "Oh, don't be like that. It simply means you're healthy."

Lyra giggled as the mare then proceeded to wipe the ice cream off the stallion's cheek with a napkin. Adding to Noteworthy's humiliation. That mare's mom-mode had no off-switch.

"Yes, Lyra was apparently quite flustered at having been caught with a rather nice set of intimates," Bon Bon said once she was done cleaning the poor stallion's face. "Milky and I were caught by surprise. Our silence wasn't very helpful. Honestly, I always figured she had a drawer full of the stuff like every other mare in town. Turns out she's of shyer persuasion."

"You're talking like I'm not here on purpose, aren't you, Bonny?" Lyra was unamused.

The mare quickly apologized. "Oh, no-no. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."

The mint mare waved her off. "Nah, it's okay. I'm just nervous is all. Though... until just now, I didn't know I was the odd one out in the clothing department."

The husband wife duo looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"What?" Lyra asked, bewildered.

"You own a lot of human garments," Noteworthy said flatly. "I've seen Bon Bon clean your laundry."

"What? They're cool," Lyra's face scrunched up and she looked at an interesting crack on the ceiling.

"On a human, yes," Bon Bon said in an even flatter tone. "On a pony, they should be banned. That's including Nightmare Night."

Lyra snorted and crossed her forelegs in front of her chest. "It was only one time."

The stallion nodded. "Yes. One time for each of the twenty-something you own."

"I'm not getting rid of them," Lyra sulked.

The other mare sighed. "Never said you had to, Lyra. Just... don't wear them anymore. Please."

"I think we've had this conversation before."

"Yes. Over twenty times."

"I stopped after the last time."

Bon Bon's eyes tabled. "You stopped 'after the last time' over twenty times."

"I'm a curious filly," the mint mare responded with an indignant huff.

Bon Bon sighed wearily. It was apparent this line of conversation wasn't destined to go anywhere. Thankfully, Noteworthy proved himself the levelheaded one of the group.

"How's your salad, Lyra?" Conversation change. Plain and simple. Both mares kind of narrowed their eyes at each other, but let the blue stallion have his way.

"Very good," Lyra nodded with a small smile. She levitated her fork and pierced a large mushroom. "A little heavy on the dressing. But that's my fault." She indicated a turntable of various spices and dressings she had been using during their discussion. "What's best about it though is that they went light on the leafy stuff. Ick. It's always so bland when ponies think lettuce is anything more than a background flavor. Check that. Texture."

Bon Bon nodded in agreement. She understood Lyra's concern. Noteworthy just shrugged.

"And how's your spaghetti?"

"Fine," noteworthy said plainly, before taking another bite. He became confused when the two mares giggled. "Was it something I said?"

Neither of the giggling mare answered him.

"And how's your ice cream, Bonny?" Lyra asked, contemplating a dessert for afterwards.

"Exceptional," was the confectioner's reply. "Nice and soft, yet not melted in the least. The strawberry chunks aren't hard or crunchy like they would be with our freezer. Not to mention it's made with goat milk. Gives it a smooth flavor."

"I might have a small bowl of pistachio afterwards," mused the anthropologist with a thoughtful expression. "Don't worry, I'll pay for it."

"This is our treat, Lyra. You can order whatever you want. It's not like a bowl of ice cream is going to break the bank," Bon Bon chided her softly. Noteworthy nodded in agreement. "Besides, that would ruin the purpose of a date. Wouldn't it?"

Lyra sighed as she put aside her fork. "I know what you're going to say, Bonny, you too Noteworthy. But... I-I'm just not ready for..."

"No pony's ever really ready, Lyra," Bon Bon cut her off. A blush came to her face. "Maybe someday I'll give you a brief synopsis about Note's and my first night together. It was... rather awkward."

"To say the least," Noteworthy added, blushing as well.

To their dismay, Lyra didn't laugh, or even crack a smile. In fact, she looked downright depressed.

"Lyra?"

"I'm sorry," the mint mare replied softly. "But, I just can't. Not now."

"What is it?" Bon Bon pressed. "Lyra. You've lived with us for years. We care about you. Twist adores you. We all want you to be happy, Lyra."

"I know," Lyra sniffed, looking longingly at Noteworthy.

"Then, please, tell us what's wrong, Lyra. We'll help you. We want to help you. You're family to us."

"You're like family to me too," Lyra responded. She looked at Bon Bon, her lip quivering. "Y-you're like a big sister to me, Bonny. Little Twister is truly a joy in my life." Then she turned to look at the stallion, tears starting to form in her eyes. "And you, Noteworthy. You're everything I could want in a stallion. You're strong, clever, talented, caring, and, even with my magic skillset, you make me feel more secure than a thousand fire spells."

"Then what's the problem?" Bon Bon asked, taking hold of Noteworthy's hoof and stretching her other out towards Lyra. Noteworthy did the same. "Let's be a family. Let us help you."

Tears were really starting to flow this time. Lyra looked at their outstretched hooves. They were so inviting, like a brand new Daring Do novel just waiting to be read. Almost without thinking she found herself beginning to reach out for them.

When her hooves were just fractions away. She cried out and yanked them back with a sob. "I'm sorry. I-I just can't."

With that, she rushed from the restaurant, with the voices of her friends calling out her name behind her. Calling for her to come back. But she didn't stop. She kept going until their voices faded into the distance.

Soon enough, she was on the outskirts of ponyville, dragging her hooves up a hill. From there she could see the whole town.

Atop the hill she looked towards the cloudy sky and took a deep breath as if she were about to scream. Instead, there was a whisper.

"Why?" she demanded. "Oh, Maker, why am I such a coward? I'm nothing more than scared little filly with too many troubles to count. I just want to be happy. Everyone in this wonderful town wants me to be happy. But, I'm too stupid to take it when it's offered freely."

She lowered her head and sat down, placing a gentle hoof upon her belly with a sniff. "Even if I did take it. I can't give them what they want. What I want. If they knew, could I stay? If I stayed, would it be the same?" She lifted her head again and cried out loudly. "I need to know. I'm so tired of this. Please... if I cannot find the courage, then, at least, give me a chance."

Then she fell silent remained there for a long time.
> -35- Sunday
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When did she get home?"

"I don't know, Bons," Noteworthy could be heard replying through the door. "I stayed up a while longer after you went to bed. But, never saw her come in. It's possible she snuck in through her window. She's done it before."

Lyra sighed as she listened to the married couple discuss last night back and forth while she attended to herself in front of the bathroom mirror. Her mane was tied back with a big yellow bow, complimenting her ivory dress with the frosty blue trim, with a silk saddle as the centerpiece of her ensemble. All that was left was the golden necklace imprinted her cutie mark and she would be all set.

With one last quick brushstroke through her facial fur, she turned and excited the lavatory to face her landlords, who were also nicely dressed up.

Noteworthy wore a black silk vest and tie, with his mane combed to fine submission. Bon Bon had braded her mane and put on a simple indigo dressed with yellow frills, colorful bracelets were worn just above her hooves and she had a great big hat upon her head that was decorated with peacock feathers.

That mare was almost as bad as Rarity when it came to hats.

With a gasp, Bon Bon lunged forward and hugged the mint mare about the neck, crying apologetically. "Oh, we're so sorry about last night, Lyra. We didn't mean to seem so forceful about the issue. Did we, Noteworthy?"

The stallion stepped forward and patted his wife on the back. "That's right."

The candy maker sniffed as her friend returned the hug. "You take your time, Lyra. We'll wait as long as it takes."

"It's okay, guys," Lyra said, absentmindedly blowing at those ridiculous feathers. "I overreacted a little, too. I'm sorry if I caused you any embarrassment over dinner."

Bon Bon quickly pushed herself away from Lyra with another gasp. "That's right. You never finished your meal. You poor dear. You must be starving. Here, let me..."

"Don't bother, Bonny," Lyra said quickly, shaking her head rapidly. "I grabbed some stuff from the fridge after I got up."

"Oh, okay," the mare nodded. "That's fine. Just as long as you're sure you'll be alright."

Lyra gave her a reassuring nuzzle and then stepped up to Noteworthy, nuzzling his neck in fondly. "Alright, now that we've gotten most of the sappiness out, why doesn't a big, strong stallion like yourself escort two lovely ladies to Sunday fellowship, huh? Think you could keep us safe on that treacherous walk?"

The stallion chuckled and nodded. "Of course, stick close now. Who knows what treacherous villains lie in wait."

With a final giggle from the mares, they set out into the cold, Bon Bon on Noteworthy's right, and Lyra to his left.

"So," Lyra began, "will we be meeting Twist there, or is she in another rotation?"

"She, along with the Crusaders and friends, will be joining the Apple's fellowshipping," Noteworthy explained. "It just made things more simple. She was told to be home before dinner, though."

"What will we be having?" Lyra asked, perking her ears up.

"Curry with fried ramen and tofu," Bon Bon said with a proud grin. She'd gotten a nice set of eastern cookbooks for Hearth's Warming, and was all too eager to try them out. Thank the Maker she was an exceptional cook. The only thing worse than a pony who only thought they could cook anything was a pony who liked to share their abominations.

Both Lyra and Noteworthy found themselves licking their lips. This served to make Bon Bon's smile even larger.

A cold breeze picked up and prompted the mint mare to lean against the big earth pony for warmth. She gave him a nervous little grin, but stayed where she was. Bon Bon had a pleased smile of her own.

"Cold?"

"I forgot my shawl," Lyra groused, mentally berating herself for missing that one key item. Then she felt something fall upon her shoulders. "What the heck?"

Bon Bon had managed to remove her shawl, which she had grabbed on the way out, and laid it across all three of the their backs. Now, the two mares were leaning against the stallion between them, sharing the shawl.

"Better?" asked the confectioner.

Lyra nodded. "Much. Thank you."

Bon Bon nuzzled the side of Noteworthy's neck. "I hope you don't mind wearing a lady's shawl for a little bit."

He rolled his eyes. "It's got two of the loveliest mares in Equestria stuffed inside it. If anything, I'm the envy of all the stallions in town at the moment."

"Keep flattering us, big guy," Lyra said with a chuckle. After a moments silence, she gave him a nudge. "I mean it. Keep flattering us."

Noteworthy and Bon Bon shared a good laugh. Lyra wasn't amused.

"But, I'm being serious."
> -36- Henry
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another week had begun, and Lyra was prepared for another topsy-turvy Monday. She had woken up early, drank a pitcher of thick coffee, had a large breakfast, and then trotted to Sugarcube Corner. Where she picked up a fresh batch of cookies, just like she did every Monday. She even had her own cookie tab set up.

There was no way she was going to be unprepared for today.

"Mondays suuuuck," Lyra muttered dumbly to herself after waiting three hours for someone or something to show up.

It was a very slow day. Admittedly, the previous Monday had been somewhat of an anomaly with a large influx of humans. But, surely there was someone who needed human-related advice.

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

...

Thankfully, Jessi, the little cuddly carnivore arrived in time to save her from going insane.

"Today's the big day, Jessi," Lyra said as she hugged the bundle of adorable against her chest. "You and your brother are going home."

"Now?" the child asked, torn on how to react. On one hand, she could go see her family again. On the other, she would be leaving behind a literal fantasy world full of more friends than she had ever had in her life.

Lyra shook her head. "No, not right this minute. I just have to tell you a few things you need to know before heading back. So, there won't be any playing this session. For a the first bit anyway. Alright?"

Jessi nodded in understanding. Then she gasped as Lyra pressed her Woona plushie into her paws.

"Hold onto this, why don't you?" she said with a smile. "Something to remember me by. Can you do that?"

The small child's eyes welled up with tears as she nodded. She lunged forward and squeezed the mint mare's neck tightly. "I'm gonna miss you, Doctor."

Lyra nuzzled the top of her head. "And I you, Jessi. But, it has to be this way. Your family is missing you something awful."

"Okay," Jessi sniffed, pushing away from the anthropologist and clutching the plushie tightly.

The good doctor patted her head comfortingly. "Now, let me tell you about what you should expect. Questions... lots and lots of questions."

Jessi nodded with a little sigh. "Mommy asks questions even when I'm a few seconds late to dinner."

Lyra chuckled. "My mama was the same way. Ahem. Continuing. Answer honestly, tell them everything."

The little girl gave her a confused look. "But my brother said we can't tell anyone about this place."

Lyra rolled her eyes. "He's seen too many movies. It's better to be completely honest and have nobody believe you than to let them think your hiding something. Understand what I'm saying?"

She thought for a moment, then nodded. "I think so. Mommy always seems to know when I'm... lying. It kinda makes things worse."

Lyra noted how she hesitated to say that last part. Obviously she didn't like admitting that she did lie sometimes. "Just don't let the police think you're lying to them. Tell the truth, let everyone think you're crazy, and you can get on with your life. Though, you can expect to be seeing some psychologists for a few years at least. But, just as long as you don't claim to still be in contact with us, you'll be just fine. Like a passing childhood fantasy."

Or a real winner of a drug trip, she added mentally. That would most likely be everyone's reaction to her story. But, no need to frighten a little girl.

"So you're saying to let everyone think what they wanna think, right?" Jessi suggested in the best possible way she could paraphrase Lyra's advice.

The mare chuckled. "Exactly. That'll be easier to remember. Don't worry about your brother, I'll warn him about his paranoia before you leave. Despite the trouble he's caused, he doesn't deserve to go through years of pointless investigations and stuff."

Jessi was nibbling on the ear of the plushie as she listened to the mare. Nodding at intervals. She did have one question though. "Am I gonna be able to say good bye to my friends?"

Lyra snatched her up kissed her forehead. "Of course you are. We're not monsters. We'll find you when it's time to go." She gave the filly a little squeeze and then grabbed the toy chest. "I can let you out now, or would you like to play until the session is over?"

The little girl hugged her back and sniffed. "Let's play. I might not see you again for a while."

"Okay," Lyra said, holding back a few tears. "Let's build a castle. Oh, and have a few cookies, what'd'ya say?"


*	*	*


Sometime later Lyra walked out of the office with Jessi beside her, clutching the plushie tightly as they went to meet with her guardian. Golden Harvest was sitting patiently out in the waiting room, reading a book she had brought from home. There was also Big Macintosh, his coat laying bunched up on the floor, talking to her secretary. What about?

Jessi suddenly sprinted forward and hugged Golden's leg, while balancing the plushie on her head. "Mrs. Harvest, lookit what the doctor gave me."

The yellow mare closed her book and smiled down at Jessi. "Well, that was very kind of her. You did remember to say 'thank you', right?"

The girl adopted a sheepish expression. "Oops." She turned to face Lyra. "Thank you for the stuffed animal."

Had she been an adult, calling it a "stuffed animal" might have been seen as offensive. Particularly when it was a representation of one of the country's leaders. As she was so young, the adults just chuckled at the childish ignorance.

"You're very welcome, Jessi," Lyra said as she patted her head fondly. She turned to address the other mare. "She's been one of my better patients. On behalf of the Anthropological Society, I would like to thank you for taking care of her and her brother during their stay."

Golden nodded and threw a mock salute. "Just doing my duty as an Equestrian citizen, ma'am." They both giggled for a moment.

"Well," Lyra said with a sigh. "You can take her now. Let her say her goodbyes to all her friends. We'll come get you when it's time. Okay?"

The mare nodded and bent down to let Jessi climb onto her back. "Very well, Ms. Heartstrings. I'll make sure she has one last chance to visit and play with all her friends."

"Make sure to give her brother the rest of the day off as well," Lyra added nonchalantly. She smirked when Golden Harvest's face contorted like she had bit into something unpleasant. "Don't argue, Harvest. He's paid back his debt and he should rest before he goes home today."

The mare looked back at the filly on her back, her face softening a bit, then back at the mint mare. "Ugh, fine," she sighed in a longsuffering fashion. "But he'd better not hang around the house. Let him slack off elsewhere."

"You can't stay mad at him forever," Lyra said firmly.

"I will stay mad at him until he leaves," Harvest said with a humph, tilting her nose up into the air. Then she gave Lyra a wink. "Then I'll wait till after Winter Rap-up to replant my carrot patch and it'll be as if none of this ever happened."

"You're terrible," Lyra chuckled dryly. "I'm just glad you didn't take things too far."

"He is just a child, after all," the mare replied as she started for the door. "Were he older things would have been much different."

Lyra waved as they left and then turned to the large earth pony. "So, Big Mac. What can I do you for?"

"New one," was the red giant's response as he bent down and picked up his coat to show her the shivering contents.

Lyra gently grasped the bundle in her magic and quirked her eyes. "Are you sure? He looks like a normal colt to me."

He nodded, but didn't say anything.

The mint mare sighed as she brought the child into her hooves and began undoing the coat. It was a rather colorful coat, the kind of thing a little sibling would give an older sibling, and the older sibling would only wear it so he wouldn't break the younger sibling's heart. Big Mac was a smart stallion, he had found the perfect excuse to be rid of the hideous thing without burning any bridges.

Without being intrusive, or inappropriate, Lyra began to examine the colt, cooing comfortingly as she did so. He was a soft green with a rusty orange mane, and brown eyes. He was shivering from both the cold and fear. Lyra quickly rewrapped him and rubbed his head gently. "I can't see any sign of him being an amalgamation. True, I've never seen him before, but... are you sure he's human?"

"I-I am h-human," the colt said meekly, drawing the attention of all three of the ponies. This prompted him to try and sink deeper into the massive coat.

Lyra hugged him softly as she addressed the other ponies. "There are some definite signs of recent transferal. And word of mouth cannot be excused so quickly, so... I'll take him into my office and sort this out." She levitated him onto her back, which seemed to disturb him a bit. "Millie. Get some paperwork ready. This may or may not be a new human resident. And as for you Macintosh."

Big Mac tilted his head, not sure why she had addressed him like that.

"I swear, seven times out of ten, they wind up on your family's property(1)," she said with a groan. "So, thanks again, for bringing in yet another human. The Anthropological Society thanks you."

"Uuuh, yer welcome?" Big Mac said, rubbing the back of his head.

Millie and Lyra giggled. "Get going big guy. You don't need to waste your day with paper work. That is, assuming you've already filled out the Finder's Form."

"Right here," Millie said, holding up a blue sheet of paper. It was signed in a very eloquent style. He was also good at calligraphy.

"Okay then, have a nice day Big Mac," Lyra said with a wave.

After all was said and done, she closed the door to her office behind her and laid the bundled colt on the floor and then laid down across from him. She gave him a warm smile.

"Now, I'm not saying I don't believe you, but... we've had ponies come in here just for the sake of attention and other things. You're not one of those are you?"

He shook his head.

"Of course not," Lyra said kindly, reaching out with her magic and grasping a cookie.

The colt watched in wide-eyed fascination as the delectable dessert floating to him, wrapped in a gold aura. "Magic seems to fascinate you. Perhaps you are human... or just wish you were a unicorn. Eat up. We've got a few questions."

The colt tried and failed to grasp the cookie in his hooves, making Lyra all the more certain. He finally managed to pinch it between his hooves in an awkward fashion, and from there began to eat it. The mare waited for him to finish before asking her first question.

"Now that you've got something in your tummy, tell me... what's your name?"

The colt wiped the crumbs from his face and pulled the coat closer about his body. "H-Henry... Henry Mindell."


*	*	*


(1) Seriously. Writers seem to love that place.
> -37- Talk and Cookies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, little Henry Mindell," Lyra began, clearing her throat as she looked over her notes, "you're ten years old, enjoy cartoons and classic comedians, and you are from a large family, of whom you are the middle child. You were about to take a bath before the portal yanked you across the dimensional divide, landing you in a mud puddle on the road just after sunrise. After attempting to run around for a while, unsuccessfully, because four legs are confusing, you were found by the local weather team, who took you to the nearest place where you could receive treatment. That being Sweet Apple Acres. I'll assume you put up a fight?"

The colt, face covered in cookie crumbs and sporting a milk mustache, nodded apologetically, nibbling slowly on his fifth cookie, which he had just pulled from his small cup of milk.

"It's okay, kid," she told him in a soothing tone, "no one's upset with you. It's a very understandable and expected reaction given the circumstances. Now, at Sweet Apple Acres, they promptly bathed you, asked you a lot of questions, and tried to get you to eat something."

"Waffles," Henry said softly. "I only ate one."

"I understand, you just weren't feeling up to feasting, were you? What, with this sudden change of scenery and all."

He nodded. "And, they really kind of fed me the waffle. I couldn't really..." he looked at his hooves with a mixture of horror and fascination.

"Yeah, the physics behind that tend to go over a lot of people's heads," Lyra said with a chuckle. "Don't worry, we'll help as best we can."

"C-couldn't I just go home?" he asked quickly.

Lyra got up from where she sat to lay down beside him. She nuzzled his head, feeling his little quakes and shivers at being so close to an alien creature he had no obligation to trust. "We're going to do our utmost best to do just that, Henry. But, it's going to take a while, as there is a list with many humans and so few mages that cast the spell. We just ask that you be patient with us, and we'll make sure to keep you safe and well cared for."

"B-but, what about m-my family?" he sniffed, finishing off his cookie.

"We can't do anything about them," she said gently. "You are our concern, for the time being."

"What gonna happen to me?" he asked turning his attention to the floor. Lyra used her magic to grab a book off her desk.

"Well... for starters," she opened it and began browsing a list of names, "I going to find you a place to stay. This book contains a list of ponies who have agreed to house humans and how recently. Now, here, have another cookie and finish your milk while I try and fiind you a place to stay."

"The ones who fed me were nice," the colt mentioned, before looking away ashamedly. "Even if I did..."

Lyra shushed him with a soft pat on the back. "You did nothing wrong. You're just scared. The Apples are more understanding than most ponies."

"I'm not scared," he said quickly, giving her a rather adorable look that was supposed to be brave, but looked more like a pout.

Lyra chuckled. "Of course you're not. You're a big, brave, strong man, aren't you?"

He lifted his chin to a proud angle and managed a smile. Lyra turned back to the book. "But, no, the human that was staying with them left just under two weeks ago, and we try to give everyone at least a month to before burdening them with another one. And, after the abnormal influx of humans lately, a lot of housing seems to be taken... oh dear."

Lyra began to frown, and the frown was getting deeper by the second. "There's only a couple houses open at the moment. The Rich household... but they specifically marked themselves down for adults only. Wouldn't want you near Spoiled Bit... ahem... Mrs. Rich anyway. That leaves Bon Bon and Noteworthy."

She stared at the book in thought for a while. "You know. I've lived with them for a few years, and only once was there ever a human there with us. Guess it's about time to house another one. That sound good?"

She just smiled when it was apparent he hadn't been listening. He was instead struggling to get his cookie out of the milk after it had soaked too long and broke apart. "Shake around a bit. You're cookie will disintegrate and add sugar to the milk. Trust me."

He gave a look, but did as she instructed. She couldn't help but laugh as he began to gulp down the rest of the refreshing dairy product. "What'd I tell you? I am nothing if not right. Am I right?"

"You're right," he responded, wiping his mouth and rolling his eyes good-naturedly.

"And never doubt it, kid," the mint mare said as she stood up grabbing her scarf. "Now, come along. Since today is so slow, I'll be taking you to the hospital myself."

He suddenly looked scared. "H-hospital? Is something wrong?"

"I hope not," she said as she wrapped the scarf around him. Again, he was fascinated by the golden aura. Keeping him entertained would be a synch. At least until the novelty wore off. "It's just standard procedure to make sure you're okay. Like those check-ups your mother took you to."

That clicked with him. "Now, don't be alarmed, I'm going to put you on my back now, okay?"

Without waiting for him to respond, she swept him up and set him upon her withers. "There you go. If you have trouble balancing, just bite my mane... the hair... not the flesh... please?"

He gave her a nod, to which she struck what she thought was an epic pose.

"Good, then let us be off on a grand adventure, Henry."

Little did she know.
> -38- Research Needed
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"He could really use a full meal," Nurse Redheart said as she looked over the child's readouts with Lyra. "Bless the Apples' hearts, but one waffle was nowhere near enough. Especially for a young male."

Lyra nodded as she looked at her copies. "That's to be expected with magical transformation and the following fear of being alone in an unknown world. Nothing a good deli sub sandwich wouldn't fix."

"Speaking transformations," the white mare began, "our friend Phillip should be available for public interaction by the end of the week."

"Toning down the creepy bits is coming along fine then?"

Redheart cringed a bit and gulped. "Relatively speaking. The medic mages have managed to get rid of the poison joke, slime infestation, and bark. But the tentacles and prehensile stomach are giving them some trouble, as well as blocking progress on the rest of his deformities."

"Prehensile stomach?" Lyra asked, looking at the nurse funny. "I never noticed that. Heck, I don't even know what that is."

"Neither did I," Redheart responded, turning a little green. "That is, until bringing him his first meal. It turned inside out and consumed everything. We've taken to feeding him blindfolded."

"Wait a moment," the mint mare said, perplexed. "He didn't have a mouth. How could he do that?"

"It... it... it comes out his...," Lyra shoved her hoof into the mare's mouth just in time.

"Never mind. I don't want to know." She removed her hoof.

"What kind of creature has fangs, but no mouth?" the nurse continued to wail.

"Ooh boy. I sure opened a can'o'worms with this one," Lyra muttered under breath. "To get back to the current issue... he checks out right?"

The nurse shook her head to clear the horrors from her mind and then nodded. "Um, yes. As far as I can tell, he's a perfectly healthy colt."

Lyra nodded slowly, concern etched on her face. "I see."

"Is something wrong?"

The mint mare sighed. "It's as you say. It all seems to point that he's a perfectly healthy colt."

"I fail to see what's wrong." The poor nurse was beginning to fell uncomfortable. "That's a good thing, Lyra."

Lyra was not convinced. "I want you to send some blood samples to the University of Manehatten."

Redheart groaned and rubbed her head. "He's human, Lyra. He can't even walk properly. No foal could fake being a human that perfectly. Even I could see that."

"I know he's human," Lyra said with a glare. "I know the signs to look for. Better than anypony else, in fact. I am the world's greatest anthropologist after all."

"Then why do we need to send blood samples to TUM(1)? Why do you need more evidence that he's an amalgamation?"

"Cause I want to be prepared in case he's not an amalgamation," Lyra responded, putting the papers aside.

"Uugh," the nurse groaned in despair. "You're not making any sense. Do you think he's human or not?"

"Tell me, Redheart," Lyra began, taking a deep breath to calm the welling sarcasm she wanted to unleash, "have you ever heard of an aligned?"

"Um, no?"

Lyra frowned and nodded. "Figured. You need to read up on humans and transferal. I recommend Proof Pudding's Humans, Portals, and Underpants, the Three Great Mysteries. Anyway, an aligned is much more different than an amalgamation."

Redheart tilted her head to the side and scrunched her nose. "How so?"


*	*	*


Taking blood samples with magical medical equipment was incredibly painless. Much to the jubilation of the boy, who had known far too many lying doctors. This pleased the Equestrian medical professionals immensely, as they took great pride in caring for their patients. Doctor Stable even gave him two candies for being such a good patient.

"You may have an extended wait for results," Redheart commented as she placed the small samples on a labeled tray. "Last I heard, that storm the seaponies had to let loose was heading for Manehatten."

"I see," Lyra said as she dug her hoof into the doctor's candy jar, much to his consternation. "Then the Manehatten weather teams will be working to keep in from heading too far inland. The city can take a beating and keep on bobbing along, while ruined farmland would harm the whole East Coast."

"Must you insist on taking candy meant for children?" Doctor Stable muttered as he closed the lid on the jar.

Lyra shrugged with a goofy smile. "It's one of the few places I can get out-of-town candy and not get treated like a traitor by Bon Bon." She turned to watch Henry clumsily fumbling with the wrapper. "Here, let me help you with... augh, no."

Henry, fed up with trying to unwrap the candy, had stuffed the whole thing, wrapper and all in his mouth. It was promptly yanked out, wrapped in a golden aura.

"Don't do that," the mint mare cried, "that's a good way to choke, young man." She promptly tossed the candy in a nearby trashcan and unwrapped one of her own candies for him. "There. Don't ever let me catch you doing that again."

"Sorry," Henry mumbled as he popped the new piece in his mouth.

"It's okay, kid, just don't let it happen again," Lyra said softly, gently stroking his mane. Then she noticed the smirk on the other mare's face. "And what's that look for?"

"Oh, nothing," Redheart tittered, "I'm just admiring a rather maternal mare."

Lyra sighed wearily as she gathered up Henry, placing him on her back. "See you Thursday, Redheart."


*	*	*


(1) The University of Manehatten opted to include the word "the" in the acronym, as "UM" just sounded like a lapse of memory. The jokes were just an unforeseen consequence. Students are referred to as "Tummies".
> -39- The Guest
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't be so disgruntled," Lyra chided Henry as they trotted along the street on their way to her home. She had taken him to the local deli and allowed him to order a large sandwich filled with whatever fillings he wanted. Though needing a little encouragement, he managed to actually create a sandwich that would make most grown stallion's green with envy. Lyra was rather impressed anyway.

But, to his great dismay, he was unable to hold it properly. Most foods an earth pony or pegasus could just bend down and eat off the plate, but a sandwich, particularly his sandwich, had its own etiquette standards. This resulted in Lyra having to assist him in this endeavor, delivering a small blow to his young ego.

"I'm sorry you had to suffer through some minor embarrassment," she apologized, "but you needed to eat something. The only one who saw was the nice mare behind the counter, and she's not going to tell anyone."

Of course she wasn't. After Lyra had made a very imposing threat involving rats, parasprites, a mariachi band, and a homeless drunk cow, the deli worker was all too eager to keep quiet.

"Thank you," Henry said after a long pause.

"You're very welcome," the mare chuckled. "It's a small town, and it would leave a bad impression if an embarrassing situation like that spread around. Though, in hindsight, maybe I should have chosen a more earth pony-ish dish."

"Thanks for lunch too."

Lyra rolled her eyes with a broad smile. "It was my pleasure. Though, I must say, you're adjusting pretty quickly. I know plenty of adult humans who took weeks just to come to terms that they were in a different world."

He didn't answer, instead he lowered himself down until his chin was resting on the back of her neck.

"Oh, you're tired. I see. Home's just ahead, try and stay awake just a little longer."

And so it was, she simply turned left and was walking up the short stone path to the door.

"Bonny, ya home?" she called out after closing the door behind her.

There was the sound of hooves in the kitchen. "Lyra? What are you doing home so early?"

"Gee," Lyra teased, "I thought I was welcome."

"Knock it off, Lyra."

She chuckled. "Well, it was a very slow day. No new appointments, no humans suddenly appearing out of nowhere... except one. We have a houseguest by the way."

"Oh? Man or woman?"

"A little boy."

There was the clatter of a dropped utensil and the sound of fast approaching hooves. The creamy confectioner appeared soon after, a look of concern on her face. Which turned into confusion.

"Um, Lyra," she began turning in a small circle, "if I'm not mistaken, shouldn't there be a small human somewhere around here?"

Lyra held back her laughter and grabbed Henry in her magic, levitating him over to Bon Bon. "He's a little bit smaller at the moment."

Maternal instincts well in effect, the mare reached out her hooves and pulled the child into a gentle hug. "You poor thing. You must be so frightened. Have you eaten?"

"Yes," Henry answered tartly, crossing his hooves and looking at Lyra.

Bon Bon looked confused again.

"Doctor patient confidentiality," Lyra said, raising a hoof. "But, yes, I ensured he had plenty to eat, after taking him to a routine medical check-up."

"Ah, good," the other mare smiled as she smoothly slid the colt down onto the floor. "Now... um... name, please?"

"Henry Mindell," he responded immediately.

"Alright then, Henry, what's your favorite color?"

"Green."

"We have green sheets," Bon Bon thought aloud. "Would you like green blankets with that, or would you prefer blue to add some character?"

"Th-that sou-ounds fine," Henry yawned, eliciting a giggle from the mare.

"I'll to stop pestering you with questions, and just lay out some cushions under the kotatsu for you." Bon Bon got up to go fetch said cushions. "I'll set up the guest room while you rest."

"Your wife sure is nice," Henry complimented Lyra. Both mares froze.

"Woah-woah, woah-woah, kid," Lyra yelped in surprise, eyes wide open. "Hold on. She is not my wife. Let's brush that bit of nonsense out the door, right now."

"Agreed," Bon Bon coughed, trying not to choke up a lung. She noticed the colt's cowed state. "Now-now, no need to be frightened, Henry. We're not upset. Just caught unaware. So, let's just skip the lecture and go right out and say... I'm straight."

"As am I," Lyra said, lowering herself to eyelevel with Henry, so as to make him more comfortable. "It's big boys for these girls, and all that entails. And, what tails some of them have, heehee, ouch."

"No innuendos, Lyra, he's just a little boy," Bon Bon chided after giving her horn a good firm tap.

As for Henry, he sat there, head tilted to side with a confused expression on his face as he watch Lyra rub her sore appendage.

"You're a girl?"

Lyra froze, feeling a mixture of horror and emotional pain. She almost felt like crying.
> -40- Tidbits
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bon Bon had turned on the kotatsu's heater for Henry, leaving him alone so he could sleep. Which was a little surprising, usually a child that age would loudly protest taking a nap at this time of day. But, she supposed, his predicament could have taken a lot of the fight out of him. Transfer Trauma, as Lyra would put it.

Speaking of Lyra...

"He thought I was a stallion," she muttered darkly as she ate her way through a box of chocolate chip cookies.

"There-there," Bon Bon said comfortingly, patting her back in a soothing way, before going about making a batch of soft barley candies. "He's new."

"I've never been mistaken for being male before," Lyra sniffed, then scarfed down the next cookie. They were a little stale, but sugar was always a girl's best friend during such times. "Rainbow dash and her young Padawan, Scootaloo, are the town tomboys. I'm feminine... right?"

"A bit childish, perhaps, but, yes, you're feminine, Lyra," the earth pony replied.

Lyra sniffed again. "I know it's a little silly that I'm this upset over a little thing like this."

"No," Bon Bon said. "If he had mistaken me for a stallion I would probably be sulking too."

"I'm not sulking."

"Oh? Is there a new name for it now?"

Lyra just grumbled a response, unwilling to fight just yet. She first finished the last of the cookies and wiped her hooves with a paper napkin.

"Given any thought to Milky's business proposal yet?"

Bon Bon knew her game. "I'm surprised you remember that, Lyra. What, with you panicking and kissing my stallion and all."

"I really need to think ahead," the mint mare mumbled, facehoofing. "You're a bad influence on me, Bonny."

"But, to answer your question," the other mare started, depositing a fresh piece of candy before her friend as a peace offering, "yes, I have been thinking it over. I'm going to do it."

"Told ya," Lyra smiled, the fresh candy warming her attitude. Bon Bon rolled her eyes, but smiled as well.

"Don't tell her just yet. I'm working on a counter proposal while she stews a bit. I'll just have to wait her out a bit, then she'll be willing to accept my terms."

"Things that bad for her?"

Bon Bon shrugged. "She's not in the red just yet. Mare milk is the most digestible food to us ponies, which is why her product is so popular in Ponyville. But, she's the only milkmare for miles. My poor cousin, daily draining herself dry, and hardly having enough for her own family. Fortunately, her husband has a job to help keep them afloat."

Lyra felt a twinge of guilt. "Does this mean I shouldn't charge her any more milk for her son's therapy?"

"Of course not," Bon Bon huffed. "It's worth every drop she can squeeze out to help her little colt."

"Getting a little graphic there," Lyra cringed, holding up a warning hoof.

The other mare quickly shut her mouth and blushed, looking aside. "Ahem, forgive me. Suffice to say... it would hurt her pride for you to acknowledge her situation."

"Good." Lyra breathed a sigh of relief. "It's a pity her profession isn't very popular these days."

"You can thank the Bovine Trade Union," Bon Bon snorted. She noticed the look Lyra gave her. "Like Milky said, there have been milkmares in our family for generations. Of course I know the cause for a drop in the market."

"Okay," Lyra nodded slowly, "I understand. So... what was the Bovine Trade Union?"

"A group of cows that decided to flood the market with super cheap, inferior products, while making all sorts of ridiculous claims, like, cow milk products will keep your teeth clean and even up to stating that it would increase your life span." She sighed with a shallow scowl on her face. "Of course that was found to be false, but by that time the damage was already done to the milkmare market. Cow milk is very hard to digest the older you get, and can even make you sick. It's really a food for the young. Pony milk, on the other hoof, is softer, and actually meant to be digested by ponies. Hospitals cook their food with it to help calm patients' stomachs. I know this, because I went to Princess Twilight's new library and read several books on the... are you even listening anymore?"

Lyra shook her head to clear the fog. "Sorry. You were going a little long, I didn't mean to..."

Bon Bon held up a hoof. "No-no. It's my fault. This is why I leave Twist's bedtime stories up to you and Noteworthy. I would take too much time trying to explain unimportant details and backgrounds with random useless bits of information. I'm a horrible storyteller really. Don't deny it."

Lyra shook her head with a grin. "I wasn't."

She ducked to avoid the swipe at her horn and bolted soon after, cackling in a low tone as to not wake the houseguest.

Bon Bon huffed, but then smiled once Lyra was out of sight. "What are we to do with you, Lyra?"
> -41- Farewell Dear Carnivores
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was that bittersweet time again. Time to see a dear friend or two off back to their homeworld. There were tears to be shed and hugs to be distributed, as well as a couple large bagged lunches and fresh barley candies from Ponyville's finest confectioner. A reasonably sized crowd stood inside Town Hall, the standard place where this event was held, friends of the soon-to-depart, those who just wanted to watch, and one stern looking yellow and orange mare.

"Now, I've packed you both enough food for a full day," Golden Harvest began, trying not to d'aaaw at the sight of little Jessi holding her oversized lunch bag in her mouth while a mob of fillies and colts were trying to hug her goodbye all at once, "but I expect you both to find the authorities and get back to your parents before then. And I mean ASASP. You got that? Brady?"

She thrust her hoof at the little girl's brother, who flinched. Like his sister, he was an amalgamation as well, but had timber wolf properties laced throughout his body, as well as a bit of crow. He had been given a large backpack filled with fresh clothes and supplies for once they were fully human again.

Hopefully no one would be around when they jumped. Which was why they chose to do it in the evening.

"Yes, ma'am," he said softly. That mare was a force unto herself.

"Stop scaring him, Harvey," a certain wall-eyed female chided, flapping over and pushing her herdsister aside. She ignored the mare's indignant sounds as she addressed the young man. "I'm really sorry to see you go, and so is my sister. She acts like she hates you, Brady, but, inside she's really impressed by how you loved your sister. You basically declared war on all of Equestria in just three hours. Not quite a record here, but still impressive enough to tell your future grandchildren about."

While, he was left sputtering, the kind mailmare turned her attention to the little girl's mob. "Dinky, Chirpy, Derby, Dizzy, Dipsy, go stand by your Auntie Harvest, she's needs to get ready." Her children groaned sadly and marched over to Golden Harbest who gave them each an affectionate kiss of the forehead. "Noi, go to your mother." The little filly sighed and nodded as she walked up and hugged Harvest's leg. "The rest of you know the drill, go stand by your parents."

The last of the foals slunk off, leaving Derpy with Jessi. "Jessi, listen to your brother. But don't let him hide your voice. Just because you're young doesn't mean you shouldn't have a say in things. Let everyone you meet know that you can have a say. Can you do that for me?"

Jessi sniffed, the area about her eyes wet from the tears she had been shedding. "Yes, Mrs. Hooves. I-I'll do my best."

With that, she lunged forward and hugged the kind mare's neck, sobbing softly. Derpy just hummed a soft lullaby, gently rocking the little girl while rubbing her back with a kind hoof. She only stopped when she felt a hoof tap her on the shoulder.

The local anthropologist had arrived. "I'm sorry, Derpy, but, I'm gonna have to ask you to go stand with everypony else."

Derpy nodded, giving Jessi one last squeeze. She then trotted back to her family, and along with Harvest's help, herded the foals over to their stallion, Time Turner, who had just arrived himself. Golden Harvest managed to keep her composure, while Derpy sighed and leaned against Turner's shoulder for comfort.

In a way, it felt like she were losing two of her own children.

"Well, this is goodbye, you two," Lyra managed to smile. She pulled them both into a hug, then whipped out a camera and quickly flashed a few pictures. "For my album."

"You'll visit, right?" Jessi asked, tearing up again.

Lyra hid her sadness as best she could. "If it's ever within my power, I shall, Jessi. Never give up hope." She then activated her magic and grabbed something from behind her back. It was a rather nervous looking Henry. "Speaking of hope, another human arrived today, one just like you."

"He's replacing me?"

Lyra shook her head rapidly. "Oh, no-no-no, of course not. But, he's like you, in a way. He'll be keeping all of Ponyville busy just as soon as he learns to walk again. Isn't that right, Henry?"

The colt suddenly felt very small in a room full of alien creatures. "Who are they?"

"This is Jessi and her brother Brady," Lyra explained gesturing to each amalgamation in turn. "They arrived some months ago, and we're going to be sending them back home today."

"Am I going with them?"

Lyra shook her head and sighed. "A lot less heartache if it worked that way. But, no. The portal is attuned to them, meaning only they can pass through it. I'm sorry."

"Oh," Henry said, lowering his head in disappointment. The stares of the others were starting to get to him, but they held no malice, just pity. Or excitement, in the case of a certain pink pony. He clumsily backpedaled between Lyra's legs to try and hide from their eyes.

Lyra's placed a comforting hoof upon his shoulder. "It's alright. You're safe in this town kid."

"That's relative," Brady muttered. This unwittingly made the whole assembly burst out laughing. Lyra, on the other hand, scowled at him.

"Not the time, kid. So not the time."

He quickly apologized.

Lyra sighed levitated Henry onto her back, where he tried to hide in her mane. He was actually getting quite comfortable with her. A good sign. "You're lucky we care about you, Brady," she huffed.


*	*	*


It took the combined efforts of three high-level unicorn mages to begin forming the portal, which resembled a wreath made of fire and lightning. It was both terrifying and alluring to gaze upon. Many of the observers in the room actually found themselves subconsciously taking a couple steps forward. Even Henry had stopped hiding to gaze upon the circle, in which there appeared to be nothing but an improbable void.

Lyra, on the other hand, was immune. She quickly hugged the two amalgamations one last time and began nudging them towards the great magical maw. It may have appeared as if she was trying to get rid of them, but it was really because the mages could only hold it open for a couple minutes.

"Once you pass through, the transformations will wear off, and you'll both be fully human again," she told them quickly, needing them to hurry. "Once on earth, find the authorities and have them locate your parents. Don't talk to any strangers, and don't get sidetracked along the way."

"And don't forget to eat your food," Golden Harvest called form the back. "You need to keep up your strength."

"What she said," Lyra encouraged stopping them just as the base of the portal. She gave them one last hug, which was passionately returned, then she pushed them. "Now go home, your family needs you."

"Gooooodbyyyyye, eeeeeverrrrryyyyooooone," Jessi cried out as she vanished, held close by her brother.

"Goodbye," came the nearly deafening reply from the assembly, to which the little girl giggled until her voice was lost in the distance. Once more, tears were shed, parents hugged their sad foals, and even a certain pink pony's mane appeared to be drooping a little. The portal began to slowly fade as the mages ceased giving it power.

Lyra set Henry upon the floor, deciding to give him a quick lesson before the sadness got to her as well. She swiped a hoof through the dimming portal. "See that? The portal is intangible to us. Only those who it's meant for can pass through. Wanna touch it before it gone?"

Henry nodded.

Lyra chuckled and picked him up in her forehooves, holding him out to it. "Go ahead."

Mesmerized, he held out a small hoof and softly touched the surface of the quantum spell, then the whole room seemed to explode in a flash of green light.
> -42- Tension
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra and Henry, as well as everyone else in the room, stared at the large scorch mark on the floor and the ceiling, directly above and below where the portal had been. The mages, though exhausted, looked about ready to panic.

"Is that supposed to happen?" Henry asked, innocently scared.

Lyra shook her head and dumbly said, "No."

At which point, the room seemed to erupt in cries of horror and confusion. Ponies, friends of the homebound, rushed forward, crowding each other to stand in a circle around the scorched floor. The foals all managed to squeeze through the adults' legs and get to the center, where they began pawing at the ground in distress.

Golden Harvest seemed to be takin it the hardest.

"What happened?" she cried loudly as she rushed up to Lyra, who was sheltering Henry from the stampede. "Are they alright?"

Lyra didn't know what to say. This caused the orange mare to burst into tears.

"No! Oh-no. I was so cruel to Brady. Why? It was just a stupid carrot patch," she wailed and sobbed. "He... he could be dead, and the last thing I said to him was horrible... just like everything else I've said to him. Now he and Jessi could be in terrible danger... or worse."

WHAP!

Lyra had just slapped her. Not hard, just enough to get her attention. "Don't say that, Harvest. Don't even think that. They are just fine. No one is dead."

"I killed someone?"

Lyra quickly looked down at the face of the colt, who bore an expression that could hardly be described. This pushed the panic button in the mint mare's brain. "Oh, no... of course not. It was just a fluke in the spell... you know... magic can be complicated and... stuff. Just some technical difficulties, everyone's just panicking... you know, like... like... when the power goes out during a lightning storm. Get what I'm saying?"

"Y-y-you're lying," Henry cried, shrinking in on himself, trying to appear extremely small. "I... I k-killed someone... and... a-and..."

"No-no-no-no-no," Lyra began to squeal in terror, gripping the sides of her head with her hooves as if she were trying to crush her own skull. Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed him in said hooves and shouted, "Bonny! Bonny, get over here, I need you."

The earth pony mare quickly appeared by her side. "What do you need, Lyra? Oof."

Lyra had all but shoved the child into her hooves. "Take him home, now. Do mother stuff. And, by all that is holy, do not leave him alone? Got that? Good. No time to argue, I'm on damage control. Go-go-go."

Whether it was the forcefulness in Lyra's voice or some subconscious response to orders, Bon Bon actually saluted her and then took off Henry like a bullet. The mint mare didn't have to think about how oddly cool that was, she had a situation to defuse.

"Everypony," she shouted, magically augmenting her voice so that everyone heard her clearly. "If you're not an anthropologist, or a mage, please calmly exit the premises. Nothing is wrong, our friends are just fine. We're just gonna need to a minute to figure out why the portal closed like that on our end. Let me repeat, 'on our end'. Jessi and Brady are just fine."

To her surprise, Lyra found that she had managed to mostly convince everyone, save herself. Still a little shaken, the muttering and mumbling ponies began filing out of town hall. Carrot had to be carried by Time Turner, as she was still in shock, with Derpy hovering close by, holding her hoof. Their foals kept close, fussing worriedly while casting glances back at the scorch marks.

"Okay," Lyra began as soon as she was sure everyone was gone, "I've bought us a couple minutes. Now, what the heck just happened? That's never happened before."

"You think we don't know that," one mage, a mare, hissed. "We've done this before. Not to mention we practiced weeks in advance to get everything perfect. Nothing went wrong on our end."

"Well, obviously, something did," Lyra growled, stomping a hoof aggressively.

"Nothing was going wrong until you decided to let that colt touch the portal," another mage accused her angrily. He immediately found himself regretting his choice of words.

"What did you say?" the mint mare hissed, her face hardening as she edged towards him with every word that proceeded from her mouth. "Are you blaming a child who hasn't even been in this world twenty-four hours? Or me? Lyra Heartstrings, world's greatest anthropologist and a literal humanitarian? I've dedicated my life tending to the wellbeing of those humans unfortunate enough to be torn from the only world they know. Are you accusing me of endangering two children?"

The other mare stepped forward in her friend's defense. "Please, Ms. Heartstrings, he didn't mean anything. We're all very passionate and dedicated to our work. This... this... anomaly, we'll call it that, it's putting a lot of stress on our minds at the moment. We won't be able to figure out what's wrong with aid from the colleges, if not the University."

Lyra sighed heavily in apology and sat down with a thump. "You're right. I'm sorry. This is just too much to take at the moment. I'll take care of calming everyone down, you three, go inform Princess Twilight about what happened. Tell that I want all earthbound travel suspended until further notice. Also, see if she can't get the University and the League to help us figure this out."

The three mages nodded and tried to act casual as they let, followed shortly by Lyra.

Cordoning the place outside, the Ponyville populace were waiting expectantly for some news. In fact, they were packed so thick with newcomers who had just heard about the incident that the mages, already magically exhausted from forming a portal, used what little they had left to teleport in the general direction of Twilight's castle. Leaving Lyra to address the crowd.

"I really need to learn that spell," she groaned after they vanished in bright flashes of light. This was going to be a long day.
> -43- Bon Bon is Maternal
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slamming the door behind her, Bon Bon quickly set about whipping up a surefire cure for a upset foals. It involved a cushion, a blanket fresh from the dryer, a cup of hot chocolate with those little marshmallows, peanut butter crackers, a superhero comic book, and an affectionate hug. She made comforting sounds and even hummed softly, rocking from side-to-side unto his crying died down to light sniffles and hiccups.

"There-there," she cooed. "Calm down, Henry. Everything's okay."

"No it's n-not," Henry said, looking at the melting marshmallows in the hot chocolate. "Some people are dead, all because I messed up. I always mess up."

"That's just not true," the mare chided him as she nuzzled his mane. "Lyra said that they were alright, and I would trust her on that. She may be impish and rather immature, but she's an honest mare. I know you're out of your element, Henry, but you're not alone in this world. Plenty of ponies mess up, and sometimes it seems like a trend, but it's really not."

"I saw everyone's faces," he said, as if he hadn't heard her. "They were their friends. Now they'll all hate me."

Bon Bon gave him a gentle squeeze. "No one's going to hate you. You did nothing wrong."

"What does that even mean?" Henry sniffed loudly.

"What does what mean?"

"I'm always wrong," he muttered.

"That's statistically impossible," Bon sighed, rolling her eyes. "Now, I need you to cheer up. A very good friend of mine is counting on me to keep you from slipping into a dark funk, and I will not let her down. Now, I don't know what your home life was like, but, here, I will not let a child think so little of himself."

Henry let out a surprised squeak when he was turned around and his chin lifted so that they were nose-to-nose. He wilted a bit at the sight of the mare's scowl.

"You have value," she said firmly, surprising him. "Yes, you may have screwed up a few times. Everyone screws up. Sometimes it's bad, but that does not define you. They worst thing you did today was mistake Lyra for a stallion. Even that was more funny than it was wrong. Though we won't tell her that."

Henry tried to look away, but the mare was not going to have it.

"Don't you dare look away from me, young stall...er... colt...er... man." She placed two soft hooves on his cheeks, holding his head firmly in place. "I understand that your first day today has been a trial. Things were probably rushed a bit, which goes to show that we too are imperfect, Henry. Everything is going to be okay. No one hates you."

"B-but..."

"No 'buts', Henry," Bon Bon warned, letting her hooves drop down to the warm blanket. "We're going to take care of you until it's time to go home."

"What if I...?"

"Then we'll all help you pick up the pieces as they fall," she cut him off, a maternal smile beginning to form on her face. "Your value as a sapient being trumps any mistakes you could possibly ever make. Don't ever let me or anyone else catch you putting yourself down again. One of the worst things you can ever do is put a price on your own life. You surpass all things, from the ground you walk on, to the very stars in the heavens, for we shall conquer them all. Remember that, Henry. Because there are people who will attack your sense of self-worth, by telling you that you're no more than a speck of dust."

Henry sniffed. "Compared to a star I am."

Bon Bon's smile grew. "Perhaps, but a star is but a star. It never changes. But you can. Even now you're a completely different person than the one you were a second ago. A star dies, a person finds new ways to live. Even an animal only survives, but a person thrives. You are a person, Henry. No star in all the heavens combined could ever compare to you. Do you hear me?"

Rather than replying, Henry burst into new tears and hugged the mare for all he was worth.

"I'll take that as a yes," Bon Bon sighed happily as she returned the hug. They remained like that for a minute or two until she managed to ease his grip and convince him to enjoy his hot chocolate and crackers.

But the quietness wasn't meant to last.

"Mommy, I'm home. Auntie Lyra thayth everythingth alright. Brady and Jeththi are fine."

"Well," Bon Bon chuckled, "I suppose it's time you met my daughter, Twist. You're about the same age. I'm sure you'll get along just fine."

A look of horror spread across the colt's face. Which sported a hot chocolate mustache with a marshmallow stuck to his nose.
> -44- Good Touch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bon Bon would have laughed at Henry's silly reaction to the appearance of Twist, if she didn't think it would do more harm than good at the moment. The poor colt tried to hide under blanket, but he wasn't used to hooves just yet, and wound up tangling himself up in a cocoon. This left him immobile while Twist came galloping to her mother's call.

"In here, Twister."

The redhead filly skidded to halt as she turned the corner, staring wide-eyed at Henry. She burst out laughing.

"You look like a burrito," she said once she was done. Then, upon closer examination, she gasped. "Hey! You're that new human, aren't you? I thaw you at town hall."

Henry cringed, afraid. A bead of sweat formed on his brow as he awaited the scathing anger.

She gasped again. "Wait a minute. You're here in our houthe. Doeth that mean you're thtaying with uth?"

"Indeed it does," Bon Bon chuckled, patting the surprised colt on the head. "Twist, meet Henry. Our houseguest for time being."

"Yeth, yeth, yeth," Twist began to dance in place. "Itth been tho long thince we had a human here. Which ith thtrange, becauthe Auntie Lyra loveth humanth. A lot."

"She has her reasons," Bon Bon told her, standing up on all fours. "Now, why don't you two get to know each other while I go make more hot chocolate and crackers."

"Thankth mommy," Twist beamed as she set about untangling the colt just so she could snuggle up in the blanket beside him. "Thith ith going to be tho great." She beamed him a big smile.

Henry, feeling both very uncomfortable and dumbfounded by her friendliness, tried to do something about the one-sided awkwardness he was feeling, "um... hi... Twist, right?"

She giggled at his nervousness, and the sugary mustache he sported on his lip. "That'th me. But mommy thometimeth callth me Twithter."

"Oh, okay," Henry said, at a loss for what else to say.

Twist gave him an odd look, but then smiled again. "You don't talk much, do you? I like you already."

"Because I don't talk?"

Twist shook her head and stuck out her tongue. "No, thilly. That'd be boring. I like you becauthe you're cute."

Henry quickly became indignant.

"I am not cute," he scowled with a bright blush upon his cheeks. He let out a terrified squeak when the filly hugged his neck and laughed.

"Yeth you are, yeth you are," she teased, much to the colt's discontent.

"Twist, behave yourself young mare," Bon Bon scolded as she stepped back into the room, a cup of hot chocolate balanced upon her head, and a plate of crackers on her back. "He's had a trying day, and doesn't need anymore stress."

"Thorry," the filly quickly apologize, releasing him and offering an apologetic smile.

"It's okay," Henry sighed as he turned back to his drink, the blush still evident on his face.

The good mare dropped her head so that her daughter could take the cup, and slid the plate off her back as she curled up around the two foals. She quickly noticed this action made Henry a little uneasy. "Is something wrong?"

"Um, no," he mumbled looking aside. "It's just...uh, why are you doing that?"

Bon Bon was confused. "Doing what?"

He gestured to the way she was curled up around him and the filly. "That. Why are you... um, wrapping around us like that?"

Both mother and daughter gave him odd looks, making him a little uneasy. After a few moments of awkward silence, Twist broke the silence.

"You're weird."

Bon Bon gave the filly's snout a light warning tap. "I'm not quite sure what you mean, Henry. I'm just snuggling you two. Am I doing it wrong? Do humans have different ways of going about it."

He nodded. "Yes. We don't."

"Don't what?"

"We just don't... snuggle," he explained as best he could.

Twist's jaw dropped. "Whaaaat? You don't thnuggle? But... Jeththi would thnuggle all the time. Tho doeth Timmy. Are you thure you're human?"

"Well, some people have called me a monster," Henry mused thoughtfully, he didn't notice the sharp gasp from Bon Bon, "but, I think I'm human. Not that I really look like one right now. I miss my hands by the way."

"Even Mith Alice snuggleth," Twist said, seeming to have heard him at all.

"I-I don't get why it's a big deal," he said, taking to a sip of his hot chocolate to try and calm himself a bit. "It's just not somethin' we do."

"Not a big deal?" Twist gasped, her jaw dropping again. "If I couldn't cuddle with my mommy, daddy, Auntie Lyra, Pinkie, or Rumble, or Thcootaloo or... or... anypony, I would go inthane."

"What my daughter is trying to say," Bon Bon spoke up, placing a hoof on Twist's mouth to stop her from talking anymore, "is that touch is a very important part of our lives. Anyone's life. Surely you've at least been hugged, right?"

Henry nodded and made a face. "Sometimes too much. It's even worse when they pinch my cheeks."

"Well, suppose you were never hugged?" she suggested. "Suppose, after you were born, that no one ever so much as brushed up against you. How would that make you feel?"

He thought about that for a moment, then his eyes widened, and he looked a bit sad. "Th-that would be awful."

"Exactly," Bon Bon nodded as his simple, yet spot-on answer. "Ponies are very social creatures. We seek out each other's warmth and companionship. Touch is amongst the highest forms of affection anyone could express to another. Even more so as you get older, but, I'll leave that discussion for your parents."

"But, I'm not a pony," Henry stated.

"Do you not want to snuggle?" Bon Bon sighed, shifting a bit, ready to comply with his decision. She noted his look of indecision with some amusement.

"I-it's not unpleasant," he said, turning a bit red from embarrassment. "N-not that it's amazing or anything bu-gaghk!"

Twist hugged his neck again, giggling. "Oh, don't be tho thilly. Mommy giveth the betht thnuggleth. And I can tell you like it, too, becauthe your fathe goeth all red when you deny it."

"Fine... fine...," Henry managed to wheeze out as he attempted to pry her legs from about his throat. "I didn't mean to... make it weird. Let go... please."

Twist complied, but gave him a shove so that he fell against her mother's side, and then she quickly snuggled against his other side, pulling the blanket tight, so that he was trapped between her and her mother. Bon Bon giggled as she watched the silly display that made the colt's face glow even redder than ever before.

"Just relax, Henry," she said as she moved the refreshments to within his reach. "It's winter, and you'll be warm and safe by my side."

She closed her eyes and laid her head down, relaxing herself as she felt the two foals shift about until they got comfortable. This stopped after a few minutes, followed shortly by the crunch of crackers and the sipping of sweet drinks. A few minutes later she heard the sound of a comic book's pages turn alongside hushed whispers from the two who must have thought she had fallen asleep.

It was all so peaceful that she almost did.

Then the front door flew open and slammed shut.

"Bonny, there are riots and protests in the streets of Equestria." The sound of hooves quickly approaching prompted a disgruntled confectioner to raise her head and glare at the mint monster that rounded the bend. "There you are, Bonny. We need to start preparing for... is that one of my comics?"

Oh well. She needed to make dinner anyway.
> -45- Hope and Lies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You mean to tell me that portals all across Equestria have exploded today?" Bon Bon demanded in a hushed tone as she stirred the contents of her big copper pot.

Lyra nodded, the fact she was upset evident upon her brow. "We weren't even the first. Princess Twilight had already been contacted by several other anthropologists, and was in the process of sending out messages to halt all interdimensional travel until further notice. So, we know for sure that Henry touching the portal was just bad timing, not a catalyst."

"So nothing was wrong with the spell?"

"It'd be too much of a coincidence if just a few portals exploded, much less all of them," sighed the wearily anthropologist. She leaned against the counter for support. "Shutting them down was the best thing we could do, as well as one of the worst things that could have been done. We have mothers and fathers and children who all need to get home to their families. Humans who've been torn away from everything they love and treasure... unable to go home."

"I can't imagine how that'd be," the other mare said sympathetically. "If I was ever separated from my Twister or Noteworthy, and then told I couldn't go back to them... well, it doesn't need to be said, does it?"

Lyra looked at the tile floor despondently. "It's going to affect us anthropologists as well. Most of us take our job very seriously, and now we can't help the humans we care so much about."

"Nonsense," Bon Bon huffed. "You're job just got even more important than ever. In the history of the Department of Anthropology there has never been such a crisis before, has there?"

"Great ego boost aside," Lyra waved off the attempt to cheer her up with a half-hearted sigh, "I can't do anything but try and calm everyone from the sidelines. Since I'm not a mage, I'm basically sitting in the peanut gallery twiddling my hooves and answering questions during the investigation that's sure to come. Not to mention all the press that's going to be flooding Ponyville in next few hours."

"Why do you think they'll come here en masse?"

Lyra gave her deadpan stare. "Let me see... Well, I'm the world's greatest anthropologist for one thing. Princess Twilight helps oversee the mages, that's another. A major unknown incident happened here where both a princess and the world's greatest anthropologist live, that's a third. As for a fourth, Cameron, upon hearing that portal travel was being shut down for the time being, began a protest, which incited a riot. Thankfully it only lasted ten minutes, but the press can easily turn that into six hours for better publicity. Do you need anymore reasons?"

"No need to be snappy with me, Lyra," Bon Bon scowled indignantly. "I just got done taking care of a distraught colt for you. At least show some consideration."

"Right, right," Lyra groaned, rubbing the sides of her head, "I'm sorry."

"Forgiven," Bon Bon smiled as she shook her head. "So, about Cameron, what happened to the poor dear?"

"Unfortunately, he's gonna have to spend the night in jail for setting fire to a public trashcan, along with the other few ponies who joined him," Lyra said with an exasperated noise. "He's such a nice young man when you get to know him, but we unintentionally set off a trigger."

"Oh, so you were unsuccessful in persuading him to stay?"

The mint mare nodded. "Yeah. Poor guy. I can't help but feel he'd be better off here in Equestria, but... we're not monsters who force people to do things for their own good."

"Guess it can't be helped then," Bon Bon shrugged. She moved the pot off the burner and set her spoon down with a clack. "By the way... about Jessi and Brady..."

Lyra held up a firm hoof. "They're fine. We're talking about a quantum scale spell. The portal trip really only takes about a minute, and it only collapsed at our end. Worst case scenario, the human world has some harmless tears in the space-time continuum. Their half life ought to make them erode in a day or so."

"That's a relief," Bon Bon replied, wiping her brow. "I would hate to have to tell Twist something bad happened to her friends."


*	*	*


"Thee, I told you they're alright," Twist whispered to Henry with a big grin on her face. She and the colt were crouched down just around the corner, listening. The smile dissolved a bit after a moment. "I mith them already, though."

Henry, who had to suffer the humiliation of being half-carried over to the kitchen entryway due to the fact he could not walk right, found he could breathe easier. "Good. I was... really worried I had killed someone. I think that would be worse than never being hugged."

Twist gave him a sympathetic nudge. "You thould learn to trutht Auntie Lyra. Thee'th the betht."

"Thorry for not truthting you," Henry grunted, before immediately throwing his hooves over his mouth in fear. "I'm thorry... I mean, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make fun of your lithp. I mean lisp. Sorry."

Twist was anything but upset. "It'th contagiouth ithn't it?" she giggled in a hushed tone, for fear the adults might hear. "I'm gonna thow you to all my friendth tomorrow," she declared as she quickly began dragging him back to the family room so they cook finish the comic book and hot chocolate together.

Henry let out a sigh as he let it happen, knowing struggling would be useless. He was just glad no one else was around to see.


*	*	*


Smirking a little, both mares waited until the oh-so-stealthy foals were out of earshot before speaking again.

Lyra's face fell. "I can't believe I just lied to Twist."

Bon Bon embraced her friend warmly. "It's okay, Lyra."

The mare shook her head. "No it's not. She considers me her 'auntie' for crying out loud. Nothing can make that alright."

They remained hugging for a few minutes before the candy maker broke the silence. "Lyra, tell me. Are Jessi and Brady alright?"

Lyra sniffed and shook her head. "I really don't know, Bonny. Maybe... I grasping threads of hope here, Bonny. It's all I have for those two."

"It's enough, Lyra," the good mare consoled her softly, patting her back soothingly. "It's more than enough."
> -46- 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Noteworthy had come home from work later the same day of the incident, and he immediately managed to hit it off with Henry. This pleased the mares of the house very much, and they found themselves enjoying the sight of the two colts befriending each other over a stack of comic books from his own personal collection after dinner. Bon Bon was not one of those wives to throw away her husband's toys.

After all, colts never grow up.

Noteworthy even agreed to help the foals get to bed that night, taking a story book with him. Allowing the mares to get ready for bed without any unnecessary hassle.

"Did you really have to stuff him like that?" Lyra asked, brushing her teeth beside Bon Bon , who was doing the same. The other mare nodded.

"Of course, he's a colt, they're always hungry," she said with a foamy smile. She spat out the toothpaste into the sink and cleared her throat. "Besides, he's so timid, if I didn't keep loading up his plate, he wouldn't have asked for more. I made enough to feed an army tonight just for his sake."

"You always make enough to feed an army," Lyra stated as she copied her friend's action, and then gave a bemused look. "Tonight was just overkill."

"And yet he still managed to almost devour everything," the confectioner chuckled. "Ooh. I so want to have a colt someday. At least one."

"Your food bill's gonna skyrocket," Lyra warned with equal mirth.

"That is quite literally a small price to pay," Bon Bon waved her off in annoyance. "Despite the circumstances and recent events, this is actually a good thing. I'll get some practice in raising a colt."

"I hope not too much practice," Lyra said as she levitated a cup under the faucet. "Not that I want him gone or anything. But he needs to get home to his family."

"As you've said," the other mare sighed. "I dread the look on Twist's face when it's time for him to go. Did you see the faces of Jessi's host family's children?"

Lyra froze. "Oh dear. In the excitement, I completely forgot about Time Turner. Ugh, and we had such a clever plan, too."

"What are you going on about?" Bon Bon asked in confusion.

The mint mare sighed wearily. "Time Turner and I had made a plan to turn the tables on his mares for taunting him about having to get meat from the pet food stand due to a recent shortage."

It was Bon Bon's turn to sigh. "Ugh. Those two mares never know when they've gone too far. That sweet stallion of theirs really needs to stand up to them every now and then at least. Thank the Maker my Noteworthy isn't scared of me."

"Even though he has every right to be, Agent Sweetie Drops," Lyra giggled. It had taken a while, but, in the end, she did forgive her friend for hiding such a valuable piece of information. She even found it funny now.

"Don't be ridiculous, Lyra," Bon Bon rolled her eyes as she wiped her mouth with a towel, "after all, the agents of F.R.O.W.N. were just as competent as us at S.M.I.L.E.(1)"

Lyra's giggling was cut short with a gag as she almost swallowed her toothbrush. She remained frozen, staring into the mirror as terrifying thoughts raced through her skull. Why did it suddenly feel as if she were sitting atop a powder keg with a lit match? No. A freakin' torch.

The candy maker just smiled as she tossed the small towel into the hamper. "Well, Noteworthy should have finished telling them a story or two by now. I'm gonna go make sure they're tucked in."


*	*	*


Bon Bon quietly opened Twist's door. Normally the door would squeak, alerting members of the household, but the crafty mare had learned that pressing down on the doorknob as she pushed inwards would make the motion almost silent. Useful for catching naughty children unaware.

Peering inside, she noted with happily that Twist was indeed tucked in. She was a little bemused to see her daughter wearing and eyepatch with a little tricorn hat close by. Noteworthy must have told them a story about pirates.

But those were not things a filly should sleep with.

She stealthily crossed the room and removed the items, giving the sweet child a kiss on the cheek in the process. The costume pieces were placed in the closet, where hung dozens of other articles for a plethora of stories. A cute family tradition.

Giving Twist one more kiss, she left the room as silently as she had entered.

"Sweet dreams, Twister."

She then turned around to face the door directly opposite. It was hard to predict what she would find on the other side. Would the poor colt be exhausted and fall asleep immediately? He had taken a nap earlier that same day. Or, perhaps, he was still anxious over today's earlier events. Either way, she would have to proceed softly.

The guest room door was relatively quiet on it's own, but she was careful all the same.

The room itself was rather bare. Just a bed and dresser with a small closet. She made a quick mental note to go shopping tomorrow. Lyra had mentioned that he would be stuck in Equestria for a while, and a colt did need some toys at least. Meat too. He was still human after all.

Speaking of said human. He had really good ears.

Bon Bon sighed as she watched at the lump in the covers twitch as the colt seemed to be trying to flatten himself out as though he were attempting to hide. Hopefully Noteworthy hadn't been foolish enough to tell a scary story on his first day. Did they have any scary pirate stories?

Closing the door behind her, she approached the bed and sat down, placing her front hooves upon the blankets. "Can't sleep, Henry?"

"Sorry," was the muffled, timid reply.

"No need for that," the good mare said gently, pulling back the covers to reveal the wide-eyed child. "Trouble sleeping, dear?"

The boy adopted an ashamed expression. "Y-yes, ma'am."

"That's understandable," she said soothingly, lifting his chin with a hooftip. "That's why I'm here to check up on you. Are you scared of the dark?"

"Nno," he quickly denied. Too quickly. But, one look into the mare's unconvinced eyes made him ashamed. "Y-yes."

"I believe there is a nightlight you can use," Bon Bon said, looking about for a power socket nearest the bed. There were actually multiple nightlights about the house, like the bathrooms and kitchen where accidents would most likely happen. But the one she was referring to was really a leftover from when Twist was scared of the dark. She would refrain from telling him that though. "Here, let me go get it for you."

She turned to leave, but froze when the colt let out a frightened squeak.

She turned about to see him burying himself under the covers again. She turned about and climbed upon the bed as she removed the covers from him once more. She looked down to see him shivering and looking up at her with scared eyes. "You're scared of being alone more than the dark, aren't you?"

In response, Henry shut his eyes and leaned into her. "I'm sorry. I always sleep in a room with my brothers. I just... I'm used to... I don't want to be alone... I'm sorry."

He quickly found himself wrapped in a hug.

"That's nothing to be sorry about. I'll tell you what. How about I stay here, just like this, until you fall asleep? Will that make you feel better?"

The colt sniffed and nodded. "I don't fall asleep very fast."

"That's fine," the mare said with a smile as she nuzzled the top of his head. "I'm patient."

Two and a half hours later, the colt had finally fallen asleep. Long after the candy maker had passed out. Even later, a slightly worried Noteworthy went searching for his wife. Upon finding her snuggling with the colt, he quietly draped the covers over them so that they wouldn't freeze, and then departed with a smile on his face.


*	*	*


(1) Think of them as the CIA and the KGB except on the same side.
> -47- Meanwhile
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golden Harvest was wailing something awful upon the couch, her husband and herdsister doing their best to comfort her and keep her volume down lest she wake the children. No amount of ice cream or hugs seemed to be working.

"That poor boy," she cried into Turner's chest. "I treated him horribly. In front of his own sister. Why did I have to be such a crabby grump? It was just a vegetable garden."

"There, now," Derpy cooed softly as she rubbed the mare's back in gentle sweeps with her velvety wings. "You heard Lyra. She said that Brady and his sister were just fine. She's our friend. you know we can trust her."

"I kn-kn-know-ow-ow," Harvest cried. "But I was so scared when it exploded. What if something had happened? His last memory of me would be awful."

The other two ponies refrained from pointed that he was unlikely to see them ever again anyway, and his last memory of her would still be as such. It just seemed something that would be unfair to say.

"But it's not just that," Harvest choked, wiping her eyes. She pushed away from Turner and looked him in the eye. "We knew you were getting those children dog food because of the meat shortage."

The stallion's ears drooped. Lyra's plan was no longer possible. Now he was about to be berated and blamed for being an inadequate provider. He closed his eyes and waited for the onslaught. What he got instead was a mighty hug.

"Derpy and I were gonna tease you after they left. We're h-horrible mare-ares. Please, forgive us for not being considerate to you. You do the best you can, you're loyal, and we just let you stew like a... like a... like a steeeeww."

Derpy quickly joined the hug. "That's right. I forgot about that. We should have said something and made sure you knew we appreciated your hard work."

Turner felt his temperature rise a bit as the mares pressed ever closer. In fact, the both appeared to be trying to shove the other off in an attempt to gain control of his warmth.

"Um, well," he began swallowing hard. "Since we're making confessions and all... I knew what you two were planning. Yeah. Um. When I went to see Lyra last week, I told her about it and we made a plan to um... turn the tables on you. Eh-he. So you both don't have to feel so bad, I was gonna tease you both as well."

Both mares looked at him in surprise, which then turned into tears.

"We would have deserved it," Derpy cried, burying her muzzle into his neck.

"You would have had every right," Harvest wailed.

Turner just sighed. "Ugh. I'm trying make everyone feel better. I don't like when you two start crying. A stallion's greatest fear is that he can't provide for his family. and I can't seem to provide a way to make you both feel better."

Both mare's froze, pushing away from him and wiping their eyes. Each wore shocked expression.

"Oh my, we did it again, Derpy," Harvest groaned with a sniff.

"Are we making you feel inadequate again, Turner?" Derpy asked, placing a hoof on her husband's shoulder.

There was no sense denying it.

"Yes," he nodded, lowering his head.

He suddenly found his head twist about and his lips locked with the carrot farmer. He never noticed she was glaring at Derpy. Breaking away he noticed the earth pony's body was tensing up. Almost though she were ready to...

"I get to go first," she hissed, quickly grabbing the stallion about the withers and wrapping her hooves defensively about him.

Turner turned to look at Derpy for some kind of clarification. She was scowling too, wings spread in an intimidation display. The lightbulb came on.

"No fighting," he cried out, managing to wench a hoof free from Harvest and hold it up. This actually worked.

"Fine," Derpy reluctantly gave in, sitting down on her plot. "She was feeling worse than me... I guess it's only fair."

"Yes," Harvest hissed ecstatically, nuzzling the stallion's mane affectionately.  She released him and began nudging him a bit to encouraged him towards her bedroom.

"He'd better still be awake by the time you're done," the pegasus warned her herdsister with a heated glare.

"We'll be done when I can't walk straight," Harvest smirked and stuck out her tongue in defiance.

With that, they closed the door and left the other mare alone on the couch. She quickly lost the glare and even chuckled a bit. "Eh. May as well go to bed. Neither of them are gonna be walking right for a while."

She quickly turned off all the lights, checking on the children as she went to make sure they were all in bed, and then went to her own room, across from Harvest's. She made sure to leave her door unlocked, though.

"Just in case," she said with a smile. Then she dove into bed and was out like a light.

Headboards will do that to you.
> -48- Chicken
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most children did not like hospitals. Twist and Henry were no exception. But they were there on Bon Bon's insistence as she apparently needed some personal things checked out with a gynecologist before chaperoning them about town. Because there was no way Bon Bon was about to let her daughter drag the poor colt about town while he could barely walk. After he figured that out, she would let him be fair game. Plus, it would just be unwise to not be around to help him get over the culture shock he was bound to experience.

Twist hadn't needed much convincing. She clung to Henry as though he were her lost puppy.

Henry, however, was quite afraid of what he might find outside the door. Twist had more or less strapped him to her back and plodded alongside her mother. To save him embarrassment, Bon Bon had unstrapped him and set him upon her own back, which was quickly followed by Twist jumping up beside him.

"Tho I can make thure he won't fall off," she explained matter-of-factly.

The hospital visit was relatively short, and when the left Bon Bon had a certain skip in her step. Which promptly stopped when both foals fell off her back.

One apology later, she set her sights upon the marketplace.

"Now, I do know that colt's hate shopping," the kind mare began as she passed the stalls, "but, please, bare with me for at least an hour or two."

He just sighed. Which earned him a sympathetic pat on the head.

"Tell you what. If you behave yourself, I'll get you a special treat from Sugarcube Corner. Would you like that?"

"Y-yes, please?"

She giggled. "No need to sound so nervous. We really need to help you build some confidence."

"What's Sugarcube Corner?" Henry whispered to Twist. "Treat" was really all he understood from Bon Bon promise, but he didn't want to sound ignorant around her.

"Only the betht bakery in Ponyville," Twist said with a gleeful clap of her hooves. "You'll love it."

"Only if I behave," he reminded her.

She blew a raspberry and rolled her eyes. "Thhe'll take uth there, either way."

The first stop of the day was a stall named "Human Necessities". It was run by a middle aged man who sat on a lawnchair with a laidback expression on his face, which was mostly covered by a baseball cap. It was also given a noticeable birth by all the other stalls.

"Morning, Gene," Bon Bon chimed happily.

The man lifted the bill of his cap and smiled at her. "Well, if it isn't the lovely Bon Bon. How are you?"

"I am well, which you won't be if Noteworthy ever heard you say that," she replied with a modest blush. "How's the baby?"

"Loud."

"That means he's strong," the mare chuckled. She indicated Twist with a nod of her head. "That's why we were so worried about Twister in her earlier years. She was so quiet and needed constant surveillance."

Twist blushed a bit. "Moooooomm."

The adults both chuckled at her childish embarrassment.

"Well, I would love to stay and chat more, but, I promised a certain colt, this one to be precise," Bon Bon indicated Henry with a nod of her head, "that we wouldn't be long in the market. He's Equestria's latest human amalgamation, and the real reason I'm here."

"So, you need meat, do you," the man asked with a broad smile. "Well, I've had bit of luck. The hunting's been bad lately for some reason, as I'm sure you've heard, but some of the local farmers have donated a bit of their livestock."

"Hmm," Bon Bon thought, tapping her chin. "That'll work I suppose. So long as we're not cooking somepony's prized pet or anything."

"Why do you have think like that?" Gene sighed as he reached under the counter.

"Because it's so much fun to tease you humans, that's why," she snarked good-naturedly. "Show me the goods, Gene."

Full of determination, but with a slight hint of distaste, the mare looked over the labeled paper packages the man had produced from a small freezer. "Hmm. Humans love chicken right? They seem to compare a lot of tastes to it. How about it, Henry?"

"It's fine," he said half-heartedly.

"You don't like chicken?" the mare asked, concerned.

"It's fine," he repeated, looking down.

She sighed wearily. "Don't play this game with me, young colt. If you don't like something, just tell me. I am trying to be a good hostess."

"Fine," Henry groaned before launching into a brief narrative. "Chicken is bland, tasteless, dry, gets stuck between my teeth, and is completely overrated. Not to mention that it's all my mom ever makes for dinner. Then she wonders why there are so many leftovers, which will almost never get eaten. And if I dare complain she just calls me an ungrateful child. I don't want to be ungrateful. But, I... I hate chicken. Okay? Please don't get it."

Bon Bon stared at his pleading face and blinked a couple times before nodding slowly. "Okay. No chicken, then."
> -49- Sugarcoated Rules
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Henry had any leftover fears of ponies hating him for what happened yesterday, they were quickly diminishing. It seemed as though each stall the visited earned him a kind greeting and even a few treats. Mainly in the forms of small candies or odd gifts, but, a couple did stand out.

Such as a skimmer hat from a pegasus named Flitter, who literally dropped it on him from above, and a pair of saddlebags from a white unicorn with purple curls. He thanked each of them in turn and actually began to smile at everyone.

Bon Bon made sure he saved the candy for later in his new saddlebags, so as not to spoil the treat she promised him.

"Woah," was his overly-simplistic reaction to the interior of Sugarcube Corner. This made several of the patrons giggle. It was as if he'd never been inside a bakery before. At least not one like this, anyway.

Mrs. Cake was finding it hard to restrain herself from grabbing a camera and taking a picture of him in that hat. "He's just adorable, Bon Bon. And he's only been here since yesterday?"

The other mare nodded. "Cup Cake, meet Henry Mindell. Think you could produce a proper treat for a well-behaved young stallion?"

"Well-behaved young man," the chubby mare corrected her. This was something she and her husband had had to learn with Timothy. With no small thanks to Lyra. "And, yes. I do believe I can find something, if you'll follow me."

She turned around to lead them behind the counter, but stopped when she found herself facing an overly excited Pinkie Pie. Her expression became firm. "Rule five, Pinkie."

The pink mare slouched and deflated some. "Rule five, Pinkie Pie is not allowed to interact with new arrivals under the age of sixteen unless she is reserved and considerate so as not to frighten them. If she breaks this rule, she forfeits the right to throw a party for said human. Said party can only take place a minimum of a week after the young human has arrived so that they may get better acquainted with Equestrian customs."

She sighed. "Okay, Mrs. Cake, I'll wait a bit before saying hello."

Mrs. Cake patted her proudly on the cheek. "That's my girl, Pinkie."

"But, once the week's up, he's getting a doozy of a party," Pinkie sulked as she slunk off. Half a second later, she was her bouncy self again, as she greeted and approached the other patrons.

"Who was that?" Henry asked form his perch.

"Oh, that was Pinkie Pie," Mrs. Cake explained as she started walking again. "Don't worry about her for right now. First, we need to get you a treat."

Henry was a little confused as he was led behind the counter. "Uuuh... why are we back here."

Mrs. Cake gave him a rye grin. "Because I don't make the mistake of underestimating children. This way you won't let the prices impair your judgement."

"Clever girl," Bon Bon mused as she saw the expression on the colt's face. "I didn't even consider that."

Mrs. Cake chuckled. "I learned that from Timothy. Noticed that every time we asked him if he wanted a treat, he would choose the cheapest menu item. I set him straight as soon as I figured it out. No child of mine's going to withhold himself from this bakery's sugary goodness."

"I'll take a cinnamon roll if you have one, please," Henry asked.

"Oh, well that was fast," Mrs. Cake noted with some surprise. She quickly grabbed a small paper bag and filled it with his request. "You like cinnamon rolls, do you?"

Henry nodded. "Yes. My mom used to make them every Sunday before church. Then my brother joined the Marines and she just... stopped. I guess. Thank you, ma'am."

"Ah, well, just enjoy yourself you polite young man," the chubby mare chuckled as she held up the bag so he could hold it in his mouth. "That'll be three bits, Bon Bon."

Henry quickly found himself sitting in a booth, savoring the most delicious cinnamon roll he had ever eaten. Bon Bon was off to the side, talking with Mrs. Cake, and Twist had said something about a few friends and rushed off. He didn't mind. The place smelled wonderful, it was warm, there was frost on the outside of the window, and the cinnamon roll was the best he had ever eaten.

Then he heard a couple of little gasps.

Looking to the seat beside him, he saw two little diapered pony foals. One was a pegasus colt, and the other a unicorn filly. Both were looking up at him with beady eyes.

Henry chuckled offered them both a piece of his cinnamon roll, balanced awkwardly atop his hooves. "Hehe. You're cute. Want some of my cinnamon roll?"

The two foals gasped and all but engulfed his hooves, which almost made him yelp in surprise. But he remained still as they made sure to lick up every crumb.

"That tickles," he snickered as the filly began suckling on the tip of his hoof where some of the buttercream glaze stubbornly clung.

"D'aaaawww."

Henry's head shot up to see a small crowd of mares and a group of fillies staring at him. His cheek's burned bright red and he found himself trying to search for an escape route. When none was apparent, he attempted to hide behind his hat.

"Oh, don't be like that," said a familiar voice. The hat was lifted to reveal the mint-colored anthropologist. "I just came over here for some lunch, and I find you doing just the sweetest thing. Like babies do ya? You really are one for the babes, eh? Catch my drift?"

Bon Bon laughed. "Well, if he keeps this up, the fillies won't be able to resist."

"Okay, okay, that's enough," Mrs. Cake said with a smile as she collected her babies. "Stop teasing the poor boy."

"Ah, he knows we don't mean anything by," Lyra said as she slipped into the booth to be next to Henry. She rubbed his head with a hoof. "He's tough, he can take it. Right?"

Henry puffed out his chest and cheeks, nodding. The fillies all giggled, and, led by Twist, leapt upon the seat opposite Henry just so they could look at him.

"Thee," she said pointing, "I told you a human wath thtaying at my houthe."

"But he just looks like a boring colt," said one of them, a orange pegasus with a purple mane said. She looked him over with a scrutinizing eye.

"Hey," Lyra piped up, raising a menu above the filly's head warningly. "That's wasn't very nice, Scootaloo. Apologize."

The small pegasus wilted under the mare's glare. "I'm sorry."

"Not to me," Lyra rolled her eyes. "Apologize to him."

"Ugh, fine," Scootaloo sighed. She turned to the colt. "I'm sorry... Henry. Right? Why do you humans have such weird names? Ow!" Lyra had tapped her nose with the menu. "Sorry."

"To steal a line from rarity," Lyra said as she pointed out her request on the menu for Mrs. Cake's benefit, "a lady should consider her words before speaking."

"I'm not a lady," Scootaloo humphed, crossing her hooves in front of her chest defiantly.

"Not with that attitude," Lyra remarked with a sigh. "But, I'll let your honorary big sister sort things with you."

Scootaloo just huffed in annoyance. The other fillies snickered.

"Never mind her," said a yellow one with a big pink bow in her red mane. "Unless it's blue or explodin' into a giant rainbow, she'll take a little warmin' up. Ah'm Applebloom, by the way. Pleased tah meet'cha, Henry."

"H-hi," Henry responded around his cinnamon roll.

"Ah, he's shy too," the little white unicorn of the group spoke up. "Are you scared of girls?"

"Girls are mean," was Henry quick, almost instinctual response.

"Ah, see what ya did, Scootaloo," Applebloom scolded her friend.

"What'd I do?" the pegasus demanded.

"Ya went and called his name weird," Applebloom explained. "He must still be upset about it."

"I said I was sorry," Scootaloo snapped.

"Well, obviously, it weren't good enough."

"Calm down, girls," Lyra said as she waved her hooves to get their attention. "What I think Henry meant to say is that the girls he knew back home were mean to him. Am I right?"

Henry nodded sheepishly. "Yes, ma'am."

"Aw, that's not good," the good anthropologist said sympathetically, giving him a little hug. "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

She pulled out a little booklet from the saddlebags she was wearing. "I am writing a small journal on the experience of living with a human. Just for a little posterity."

"I-I'd rather not," Henry said as he slipped from Lyra's embrace. He quickly tried to go back to eating his cinnamon roll. But found it being devoured by a certain purple filly wearing a propeller beanie who had not been there before. This made him a rather upset. "Hey! That was mine."

"I know," said the filly turning her swirly eyes upon him with a grin. "I should feel bad about it too. Which I do. Which is why I'm giving you this one."

Another cinnamon roll appeared in the filly's other hoof, steaming and seemingly fresh from the oven(1). She set this one down in front of the wide-eyed colt with a chuckle. "So, like a little strange magic, Henry? We're friends now, right?"

And that was how Henry met Screwball and the CMC.


*	*	*


(1) Ever since then, Pinkie would swear up and down that there were a dozen in that pan. The experience traumatized her for a whole two minutes.
> -50- Where's the Money
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What's strange magic?" Henry asked, looking between the new cinnamon roll and the filly who was giving it to him.

"Strange magic is an aspect of earth pony magic," Lyra took the initiative, opening her book and writing a few notes on their interaction. "Kind of a wild magic, that allows them to influence... likelihood... no, probability, that works better. It's allows them to change the probably of something happening, like getting unlikely dice rolls, or pulling giant mallets from behind their backs."

"Mallet's are so last year," Screwball interrupted, rolling her eyes as she reached behind her own back. "This is what I use."

Henry's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as he watched her pull out an oversized ironwood baseball bat with rusty railroad spikes driven through it.

"H-how?" he asked in amazement, his eyes bedazzled and heart pumping hard in fear as his jaw slowly dropped.

"She's a prodigy in the strange arts," Lyra explained as she gestured harshly for the filly to put the weapon away. "She's got a lot of promise and a scholarship to any magic college of her choice."

"Ugh," the filly groaned as she returned the bat to whence it came. "Why does everyone keep on bringing that up. College just sounds so boring. And daddy refuses to let me go to one that allows frat parties."

"There's a good reason for that," Lyra commented dryly. "Well, back to strange magic. Screwball, here, is kind of an oddity. Her own magic was somehow fused with a small portion chaos magic during a certain hellspawn's rampage. Twisting her magic into a hybrid form."

"You're still mad about the dead possum, aren't you?" Screwball smirked as she floated down beside Henry, practically stuffing the cinnamon roll in his gaping mouth.

"I reeked for weeks," Lyra groused with a deep frown. "Dumb jerk should've remained a pigeon toilet forever."

"Why don't we talk about something else," the white unicorn filly piped up, looking a little stressed.

"Fine, Sweetie," Lyra sighed, thanking Mrs. Cake as she delivered her order. A daisy and rose petal sandwich with a side of hot chocolate. "Pinkie's more powerful than Screwball anyway."

"That's an unfair comparison," the weird filly stated. "She's older, and has more experience with mechanical improbabilities. Not to mention she's a freakin' Element of Harmony, which you can't tell me isn't a power booster."

"Even before then she could have run circles around you, girl," the mint mare declared firmly. "Unlike you, she's self-taught, and very diligent at that in her own right."

"So is this something everyone can do?" Henry asked, feeling a little uneasy between the two arguing ponies.

"Nah," Applebloom said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. "It rarely goes beyond dishin' out a little good or bad luck. Pinkie an' Screwball just so happened to be very lucky."

"Oh, really?" Lyra asked. "What makes you think you're not already powerful?"

"Ah'm just an apple farmer," the yellow filly pointed out, holding her hooves up. "If'n ah could use strange magic like those two, ah'm sure ah would know."

"So, tell, me, Applebloom," Lyra began with a little smirk of her own, "what's the probability of your family being the only one in Equestria to ever cultivate a certain rare magical plant from the Everfree? Not only that, but what's the probability of also figuring out how to turn its fruit into jelly for ponies to consume on toast?"

Applebloom paused for a moment in thought. Then her eyes widened in realization. "Golly. Ah... ah never thought about it that way."

"Your strange magic is just a lot more subtle than others," Lyra chuckled at the filly's reaction. "Heck, didn't your family receive a letter recently from Celestia asking you to try and cultivate other rare magical plants?"

"Well, they asked mah brother an' sister, along with Granny Smith," the filly shrugged.

The mare rolled her eyes. "As if they'll leave you out of something so important. Have a little faith in your family, Applebloom."

"Ah know, Lyra," Appebloom sighed. "It's jest, you know, bein' the youngest, it sometimes seems like ah'm left out of a whole bunch of important things."

Lyra nodding in understanding, as did most of the ponies sitting in the booth. "It can seem like that, Bloom."

"Seem like it?" Scootaloo spoke up with an exasperated huff. "We're just kids. None of the adults take anything we say seriously. Heck, you're one of the few ponies who even seems to listen, Lyra."

"I do listen," Lyra sighed. "I remember how tough it was to be a kid. Which is probably why a lot of adults forget, and put on rose-tinted glasses. They couldn't handle they truth of their youth very well."

That got a few small heads thinking.

"Wow, that was almost depressing," Screwball coughed, pulling out a cupcake and scarfing it down. The shriek of a certain pink pony could be heard in the kitchen.

"She's gonna catch you eventually," Lyra noted as she glanced between he kitchen doors and the filly.

"Any minute now, in fact," Screwball said after swallowing the treat. "I can already feel her locking on. But, so long as I hang around my new pall here" -she threw a leg about Henry's necks in a friendly fashion- "then I should be just fine for a little while longer."

"Just to be clear, you are paying for those right?" Lyra inquired carefully.

"Of course," Screwball blew a raspberry. "I'm a prankster, not a delinquent. Stealing is just wrong, but driving a fellow prankster insane is fun."

"You were using your own money right?" Henry asked innocently. Suddenly, everyone aware of what was going on turned to stare at the filly who looked like she had been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar.

Heck, like she'd stuffed all the cookies in her cheeks like a chipmunk.

"Screwball? What have you done?" Lyra demanded, leaning over Henry to touch noses with the little weirdo. She was scowling something fierce.

"N-nothing I can't fix," Screwball stuttered nervously. Lyra's scowl deepened. "Honest. I can fix it before anyone notices."

"You'd better," Lyra warned ominously.

"Then just excuse me for a second, or a week," Screwball whimpered just before bolting through the window. The glass window stretched as though it was made of rubber, before the filly somehow popped through to the other side, making it snap back into place with a loud crack.

No sooner had she sprinted ten feet away from Henry then a pink streak was hot on her heels.

"I'll teach you to pull pranks like that on me, young lady."

"Eeeeee. I'm sorry, please, just let me live."

"Oh, you'll live alright."

"Oh! Then in that case... please, kill me quickly."

"Never!"

Henry and company watched as the two ponies disappeared into the distance. It was quite a dilemma. They had no idea whether they should laugh or cringe in empathy.

"Nice catch there, kid," Lyra said, absentmindedly patting Henry on the head.

Henry, meanwhile, was testing the window in curiosity. It was indeed solid glass. How did she make it act like rubber? "Can I learn to do that?"

A visible shudder ran down Lyra's spine. "To all that is holy, I pray not."
> -51- Throwing Rocks at Problems
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"She might have overdid it this time," Lyra mentioned to Bon Bon as they made their way home through the slushy streets. Upon theirs backs were Twist and Henry, each wrapped in the mares' scarves.

Pinkie had waited the required week before giving the new person in town a party. This being Henry. She had also "enlisted" the help of Screwball in order to make it a memorable moment. Then she had decided to kick it into overdrive when Henry had said he couldn't ever remember having a party.

"My birthday is right between my dad's and old sister's, so we just celebrate them on the same day," he had explained with a shrug. "Why would grownups want kids around during their party? So, I never asked."

Lyra had found herself torn between congratulating him for being very mature about it, and giving him a hug. He got a hug anyway, but it was more out of principle. Ponies really were a touchy-feely lot.

Bon Bon turned her head around to nuzzle Twist's cheek. "Nah. It just ensured they got to bed on time. Hard to believe a game of twister got that passionate."

"At least he got to test out his quadrupedal skills in a fun way," Lyra chuckled, feeling her own bundle shift in his sleep. "It's nice he's managed to make a few friends around town."

"He'll sleep better tonight, that's for sure," the other mare sighed. "Poor thing just can't seem to sleep properly. I'm thinking about scheduling him an appointment to see if he's got chronic insomnia."

Lyra tilted her head. "That's a thing?"

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. "Yes, Lyra, it's a thing. Thank you, by the way, for staying up with him."

The mares had been taking turns staying up with the colt at night to help him fall asleep. It kept him calm, and the nightlight Bon Bon dug out of storage seemed to relax him.

"No prob, Bonny," Lyra returned. "Though, I suspect that he faked falling asleep on Wednesday. Seriously, the kid's so conscientious about other's feelings. It's kind of worrisome in a way."

"He's just nervous about being in an alien world," the confectioner explained. "Though, speaking of which, how are things going with the portals?"

"We're still throwing rocks at them," Lyra answered with a shrug.

"Lyra...," Bon Bon groaned.

"No, I'm serious," Lyra defended herself, quickly creating a snowball with her magic to demonstrate. "See, our two worlds are incredibly similar in physiology, so a few new rocks aren't going to turn any heads. But our success is growing rather... nil."

"The portals keep exploding?"

"Not exactly," Lyra sighed, throwing the snowball against the side of a house. "They've started do that, only more bouncing off. No matter how much we attune them to earth, nothing seems to be getting through, period."

"Almost as if the dimensional fabric has grown an immunity to such travel?" Bon Bon asked, sidling up closer to her friend.

The mint mare gave her an odd look. "Yeah. Almost exactly like that. Which... theoretically should be possible. We are literally pulling at the fabric of time and space here. It could be trying to correct itself. I'll bring that up at the next meeting. But, somepony may have already tested that idea."

"What happens if you can't find a solution?" Bon Bon pressed carefully. "What if this is the end of that?"

"Then I'll be out of a job," Lyra groaned, looking a little down trodden at the thought. "The title of World's Greatest Anthropologist will be rendered as meaningless as being Employee of the Month. Ugh, to be the last of a centuries old profession isn't as noble as it sounds, Bonny, let me tell you."

"No need to be so sad," the other mare comforted her with a sympathetic nuzzle. "It would be a good thing that humans wouldn't be torn from their loved ones anymore."

Lyra sighed and shook her head. "You're forgetting the ones who would be forever torn apart, Bonny. Take this little guy on my back for instance. He'd never get to see his family again."

Bon Bon found herself feeling stupid. "Urgh. Sorry, long day. But, just in case, what will happen to him if..."

"Don't worry about it," Lyra cut her off softly. "I've already been thinking about it since the incident."

"And what are your thoughts?" Bon Bon persisted.

Lyra just looked away. "Please. It has been a long day. The party was nice. Henry got to make a lot of friends today. We're all a little tired. Let's just cross that bridge when we get to it."

"I've done some thinking about it as well, in case you're curious."

"Bonny, be careful," Lyra warned. "You're very maternal mare, but you shouldn't let yourself get too attached. When this is all fixed, it'll just wind up hurting you both."

"You mean 'if' this is all fixed."

Lyra shook her head. "I'm a little more optimistic than that."

"Anyway, I'm more worried about you becoming overly attached," Bon Bon pointed out with a knowing glint in her eyes.

Lyra almost tripped over her own hooves. "W-what?"

"You get close to him, every opportunity you get," the mare explained. "Sure, I may be around him more often due to my job not requiring privacy, but you seem to have taken a special interest in him. Last Tuesday, you were more than welcome to join in conversation with me and Mrs. Cake. But you chose to sit with him."

"It's my job to make sure humans are getting along with ponies," Lyra quickly answered.

Bon Bon chuckled. "Keep telling yourself that, Lyra. You might just end up believing it yourself."

"What about Noteworthy?" Lyra countered. "He likes to hang around Henry as well."

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. He's just glad that there's another colt around the homestead. It's not easy for him being the only rooster in the hen house."

Lyra honestly couldn't come up with a proper rebuttal. It was to the stallion's credit that the two mare's he lived with hadn't driven him looney by now.
> -52- Historical Repitition
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra groaned in exhaustion as she felt her strength slipping away. The problems had degraded exponentially, and now the creation of a single portal was a near Olympian feat. It almost seemed unnatural.

She stood in a giant circle, shoulder-to-shoulder with entire magic universities and colleges, as well as students and professors of theoretical physics. The power fluctuating from both horn and sophisticated machine could have rivaled the entirety of the Cold War. This was no longer about finesse or structure, this was becoming a struggle of pure desperation.

Inside the ring, all around the unstable portal, were piles of broken tools that they had used in attempts to smash, pry, bend, or even cut a way through to the human world. There was even splinter battering ram made from a nearby cedar tree; it had proven vain as well. Suggestions to use Ponyville's anti-dragon cannons(1) were heard, but quickly tossed to the side, as it was far too dangerous. For them and the astronomically miniscule chance it got through to earth.

The previous world record for holding open an interdimensional portal to earth, due to back traffic and bad scheduling, was twenty-three point two-seven-three minutes. This unstable, crude and potentially dangerous portal they had managed to keep open for ten hours without a single break. Ponies were dropping like flies.

Thankfully, they had the foresight to invite the staff of Ponyville General.

The good medical ponies, along with a multitude of volunteers, carted off the unconscious ponies to makeshift medical tents where they would be treated for magical overexertion and given plenty of fluids after they woke up. It was getting so bad that the healers were pleading, nay, begging for them to give up. Toss dignity to the wind, these unicorns were hurting themselves.

It didn't take much to convince the bulk of the assembly, and the rest were quickly agreeing.

This made Lyra all the more desperate. Her strength was already fading like a snowball in hell, but she kept forcing herself to do more, pulling strength from reserves and places she didn't know she had. My, how her body was simply riddled with little pockets and streams of magic. Was that what her professors back at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns meant when they compared unicorn magic to a pomegranate? Pity she couldn't remember their importance at the moment. She was getting rather lightheaded.

She barely even noticed when she was the last one standing. Those who had given up, simply collapsed, unable to walk away.

By this point, the stubborn portal was barely a pinprick in the space-time continuum. Still, rather impressive for a single unicorn mare.

"Lyra, stop."

Lyra would do no such thing. Though her legs were beginning to buckle, she gritted her teeth and hissed like a viper in determination. Not even if it was Princess Twilight herself ordering her to stand down. Which it was.

The lavender alicorn, exhausted and walking crooked, pleaded with her friend. "Please, Lyra. You're already hurting yourself. Don't do something irreversible. It's not worth it."

Lyra didn't respond, but her hissing was starting to rise in volume to a painful moan. It was physically hurting, as it had been for the past few hours. But she silently refused again.

"I know how much you care for humans, Lyra," Twilight said, starting to tear up a bit at the sight of her struggling friend. "I know you want to send them back home to their loved ones. It means your good mare, Lyra, but this can't go on any longer. You have to stop. We all have to stop. Not all of the major magic schools combined could do anything."

Her back legs gave out, forcing her into a sitting position. The portal wasn't even large to see anymore, or perhaps it wasn't there at all, and yet she kept going.

"Lyra," Twilight cried desperately, grabbing the mint mare in her weak hooves as she tried to shake her out of the enraged trance. "Stop this right now. We've all done our best, you more than the rest of us. It's been over a month and a half. It's time to face the facts. It's over."

"In your... urgh... dreams... sassafras," Lyra finally replied, slumping down, her horn hardly sparking anymore. It was more of a tiny fizz now. She turned to look at the princess, her horn still active. There were large tears flowing down her cheeks as she spoke more. "He's been crying... a lot... lately. At first... he would deny it... but for the... past... past three days... ooooww... he's cried himself to sleep. In my h-hooves. I... can't give up. Twilight. I can never... just... give up. I won't fail... someone... I care about... ever... ever... again."

And with that, Lyra's horn gave a little pop and she collapsed like a ragdoll.

Twilight fell down beside her friend and draped a wing over her as the medical ponies hurried to assist. "It's going to be okay, Lyra."

"No, it won't," Lyra coughed as her eyelids got heavier. "I've... been here before. Not... here. But... trying so hard... to make up for... something that isn't... my fault. Only to... fall. Exhausted. Can't move. Seeing... someone... I care about... get hurt... and not... able... to do... anyth..."

She would sleep for a very long time.

Twilight laid her chin atop of Lyra's head and sniffed, feeling herself starting to fade as well. "It's going to be okay, Lyra. You can fail a thousand times, and we'll all still love our favorite anthropologist."


*	*	*


(1) Giant fire-breathing dragon's migrate past the town every year. A little insurance is never a bad thing.
> -53- Diary Highlights #1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember that book Lyra had in Sugarcoated Rules? Well, these are the highlights of what she would write in it. This was actually meant to be set in place before the previous chapter. But, we forgot about it. Oh well. Here you have it now.


*	*	*


Today was going swimmingly. Henry's coming along with learning his quadrupedal movement. Not gonna win any prizes, if you could win prizes for walking. But he's coming along. Wait, there are speed walking tournaments. Don't know why I went to watch those while in college. But, still, no, he wouldn't win any prizes.

Bon Bon's little filly, Twist, has taken a shine to him. She treats him as though he were her own little brother. She's even tried organizing walking exercises with her friends in an attempt to help him out. Poor guy, he's lucky Bon Bon found out about it and managed to stop it in time before he suffered too much humiliation.

Twist has apologized profusely since them. It's hard to be upset with her. She's so well-meaning.

Henry was rather disgruntled when I got home. Makes me wish I could be there to help him more. But, there are lots of other humans and ponies I have to help.


*	*	*


Apparently the kid likes anime. Secretly. After I caught him looking at my VHS collection... yes, I still have those, go scratch disc... he confessed that he enjoyed the stories and action. But, unfortunately, his family has a very downward view of it. Bunch of elitist prudes. Gundum, Fairy Tail, and Code Geass forever.

I'm just going to assume he entered my room by mistake. I am dwelling in the basement after all. Albeit, a very well insulated and decorative basement. He probably was just exploring the house. While I am proud he managed to walk, or crawl, drag himself about the house with his limited mobility, I did give him a scolding for going down stairs in his condition. That could have ended very badly.

I let him stay in my room for a while, turning on the first few episodes of Cowboy Bebop. He say's he's never seen it. With a family like that, of course he's never seen the great works of art. I'll just let him watch a few episodes before carrying him back up the stairs.


*	*	*


Apparently we both got a little carried away. Bon Bon dragged us both up the stairs and informed us that she had been calling us for nearly an hour. Wow, how did we lose track of time?


*	*	*


Tuesdays have always been the time I tell Twist human bedtime stories. Ever since I moved in started helping about the house. Henry sat in with us as well. Tonight I was finishing up the Return of the King. Which is apparently a good thing. The kid was bored all the way through.

It would seem he's not fond of the Lord of the Rings books. Which seems silly to me. But, I guess not everyone likes classic fantasy. Though, I will admit. Some parts just seem unnecessarily long and pointless. Perhaps he likes more concise stories that don't have a lot of filler. I'll figure something out for next week.


*	*	*


Wasn't much happening at the nut house today. Other than the fact the Thrandor apparently wanted to join the Dark Side. Can't say I really blame him. The Jedi are a bunch of creepy old people if you look at the lore. Stealing children, forcing them into a cult, teaching that emotions are evil, attempted assassination of an elected official without a trial. The list goes on. Oops, rambling. This is supposed to be about my experiences with a young human named Henry.

Though, I must mention, my good friends Bonny and Noteworthy have been really helpful keeping me informed of what goes on at home while I'm not around. Well, more Bon bon, as Noteworthy has a day job. Which Bonny does too, only it allows her more time with Twist and Henry. Oh, I suppose Twist is a good source of information as well. Though her adorable lisp can be rather distracting.

Today's story was that Bonny had Henry and Twist help make some candies for market. A good exercise for working with hooves. Either good thinking on her part, or just an unintended bonus. Either way it ought to have helped him figure out how to manipulate things with his hooves. Plus, what boy doesn't want to help make candy?


*	*	*


Apparently he found it incredibly frustrating, and needed a lot of encouragement. Bonny tells me she had to give him a rather long and extensive bath to wash out the mistakes from his fur. She was a little upset at the fuss he made over the ordeal.

That is, until I explained to her that humans don't usually bathe each other like we ponies do. I am positive he's feeling quite violated. Poor Bonny is probably still apologizing.

I should probably instruct her on what not to do, just for future reference, so as to avoid these things.


*	*	*


On an added note, it would seem Henry's a little clingy to me at the moment. I am going to try and console him and explain some aspects of pony culture and familial hygiene.


*	*	*


He took it rather well. I think.

He forgave Bonny anyway. But was rather firm in stating he was capable of bathing himself, even in his newfound body. I silently told Bonny to stay near the door just in case. After all, ninety percent of household accidents happen in the bathroom. Or is seventy?


*	*	*


Today had an interesting start. I was awakened before my alarm went off, never a good thing. The cause of this unholy inconvenience was Henry. Duh. Why else am I writing it?

Anyway, he was slightly hysterical, but, after I calmed him down a bit, I discovered that he had wet his bed. Which is actually a fairly typical thing sometime within the first week or so of dimensional transference. The whole process wrecks havoc on their poor minds as they adjust, which in turn leads to losing some control of their bodily functions. I explained this Bon Bon already, so she wouldn't have been upset. Not that she would have been upset anyway. She is fairly understanding.

Back to the kid, he had managed to walk or stagger all the way to my room and was begging me to help him wash his bedding before anyone found out. I found myself slightly flattered that he came directly to me for help.

Okay, I was really flattered. I put aside my grumpiness for being woken up so early and agreed to help him. It's really too bad that I didn't know how to do laundry either. And the Equestrian internet is still limited to the major cities, so looking it up wasn't possible.

Not to mention that the container's instruction labels were all lies. I followed them to the letter and still wound up taking all of Bon Bon's wrath for the mess in the laundry room. Henry, on the other hand, got to prove he could take a bath by himself, good for him, and three big chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream to help him feel better about the whole ordeal.

Bon Bon and I both promised that we would never tell anyone about it. By my oath as a doctor, yes, an Anthropologist is considered a doctor, I even have a doctorate, amongst other diplomas, and Bon Bon's simply being a good maternal mare, we meant it.
> Diary Highlights #2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was kind of exciting. I got a postcard from Mark Smith. From before he left for the Western Isles. I showed it to Henry to show him some of the great humans I've dealt with. He was thrilled to hear some of that man's exploits, from the Battle of Cider Season(1), to Zecora's Haunted Hut Adventure. He listened with wrapped enthusiasm, even laughing when I told him about the time the dear man helped Sweetie Belle learn how to cook. He couldn't even look at toast for a whole month.

The way I go on about him almost makes it seem as though he would have figured out our little dimensional dilemma by. Probably not, but it would be good to have him back. I pray he has a safe adventure.

But not too safe, that would bore him something fierce.


*	*	*


Oh dear. I did a bad. I had gotten rather nostalgic after talking about Mark Smith that I decided to read up on adventure books, namely Darkest Darkness Guide to the Most Terrifying Things in Existence, the full series. That wasn't the bad thing. The bad thing was that I brought them up out of my room so I could read them under the kotatsu, and left them there when I decided to go say hi to a few friends.

When I got back home I found Henry had read about half of them. Which, again wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for the fact I had decided to spring for the illustrated ones. He's going to have nightmares. Heck, he won't be able to daydream without seeing some of those things. Heck, I stopped him when he reached the Garrote Weaving Pseudoscorpions of the Saddle Arabia.

This is not going to go well. I am so going to get killed if I can't manage to do something before Bonny gets back.


*	*	*


The universe loves picking on me. Bon Bon got home some time ago, and I was completely honest with her. I didn't even try to cover up what happened. I was completely mature. What's she do.

Gives the little guy some warm shortbread and then tells me I get no dessert for week. What am I? Eight? I'm a grown mare, she can't control me. Just to show her, I'm going to go to Sugarcube Corner and by an entire cake and eat it, by myself, in front of her. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm gonna be right back to describe the look on her face.


*	*	*


Dang it. Bon Bon, the conniving minx, she made the preemptive move of informing everyone in town that I was not to have dessert for a  week. What is with this town? Who would agree to that? Even in Canterlot you could bribe just about anyone to get something you wanted. This is so unfair. I even went to grab my secret stashes I brought from Canterlot.

There were notes, telling me they would be returned after the week is up. I thought I hid them so well, but, no, apparently I not a clever pony when it comes to hiding things. Well, somethings. All I can say is, there had better not be once piece missing.


*	*	*


This is not about the dessert. This about the principle of the thing. All the other ponies want to turn their backs on me? Fine. I happen to know a certain stallion I could lure some goodies out of. I just have to play up the poor young mare in distress and he'll fold like wet toast. That'll teach Bon Bon. Not only will I get some sugar, I'll have gotten it from her beloved stallion.

Oh, I just can't wait to find him.


*	*	*


Darn you again, Bon Bon. That was underhanded. Really underhanded. Not only did she find Noteworthy before I could, she even promised to reward him if he didn't give into my pleas. I can't believe it. Well, not really, knowing those too, it's very believable. She actually promised to let him (REDACTED)(REDACTED) and then she would (REDACTED)(REDACTED) then they would (REDACTED)(REDACTED), every night for the next week. As if it'll end there.

The mere thought of (REDACTED)(REDACTED)(REDACTED)(REDACTED) makes me heat up something fierce. I want to (SO REDACTED) with that stallion. Well played you sneaky wretch of a best friend.

NOTE: Lyra promptly tore out and burn this page of her diary as soon as she realized what she had written.


*	*	*


Ugh, I can't believe I wasted an entire day trying to get a piece of candy. It's really getting silly. Yeah-yeah. Bon Bon's acting like a mother again, punishing me as though I were her prepubescent filly. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait it out. Not that I really eat much sugar anyway. I'm more of a starch and fat girl anyway.

Plus, I managed to make a deal with Henry. He's going to be sneaking me treats over the next week, and I'm going to take him ice fishing on the weekend. Ha. I'm going to get dessert and get some fish in this house. He seemed rather excited about that too, never been fishing before, he told me. But he has always wanted to. So, yeah, I guess this'll be fun. I've never been ice fishing before, so this'll be a fun experience.


*	*	*


Lyra. Two weeks without any dessert. I'm just going to let Henry off with a warning this time, he was just trying to be a good houseguest and friend to you. Don't you dare try that with Twist. I will not have my own daughter turned against me.

Oh, and you will be taking Henry ice fishing this Saturday anyway. Have fun.


*	*	*


Lyra stared at the last entry in her diary. Beads of sweat sliding down her forehead. Despite the cold sweat, she was actually rather relieved. She had burned that one page to ashes before anyone else saw it. She would have never lived it down. Still...

"Is nothing sacred, Bonny?"


*	*	*


(1) Rainbow Dash had asked Mr. Smith to help her get to the front of the line. His plan worked, but at the cost of many ponies' sanity, as they felt Rainbow Dash being at the front was a sign of impending apocalypse.
> -55- Diary Highlights #3
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently I'm not punished after all. After dinner, she and Noteworthy apologized and presented me with a cake. Which I shared with Twister and Henry. The other two can fend for themselves, their adults. I'm going to be upset for a while. I considered heading up to Canterlot, but I have work tomorrow, and can't afford the lengthy round trip. Which, I suspect, is something Bon Bon wanted. She's up to something. Check that, this whole town's up to something.

Earlier I was so upset that I didn't catch it. The whole town agreeing to something like that? Really? Darn it, if I wasn't so focused on getting some sweets to scarf down in front of that mare I would have noticed. They're all hiding something, and they kept me going around in circles so I wouldn't notice.

I only hope whatever their planning is worth this inhumanity(1).


*	*	*


I confronted Bon Bon about my suspicions. I was right, something is going on. But, when I pressed further, she informed me had made a Pinkie Promise. Even going so far as the go through the motions in front of me. I'm starting to get the idea of who's organizing this whatever it is. But, it's a little late to go talking to the second most powerful pony in Ponyville right now.


*	*	*


Bonny's really trying to make up for yesterday. I woke up to find a plate of chocolate chip waffles with whipped cream and maple syrup set out for me, with a small card and everything, as well as some extra goodies in today's lunchbox. I left her a note as well.

It's telling her to keep a close eye on Henry, so that I can actually fill the book with stuff about him. I really got sidetracked yesterday. I am looking forward to her report when I get home. I'll let her off the hook eventually.


*	*	*


Okay, this is interesting. I went to Suagrcube Corner to speak to Pinkie Pie about what's going on. Turns out she's not behind it. She even Pinkie Promised that she wasn't. I don't know what's going on anymore. Who's orchestrating this charade? I know it's not Ponyville's other great prankster, Rainbow Dash, this is too intelligently laid for her.

When I find out what's going on, someone's getting a black eye. Or two.


*	*	*


I stopped by Princess Twilight's castle on the way home. Boy is that thing an eye-sore, though you won't hear me say it out loud. The purpose of my visit, to meet with other members of the Anthropological Society to see if any progress has been made on the portal. Sadly, though we discussed it long, and the questions were good and well thought out, we're still stumped.

This is not the kind of news I don't want to bring home. This is the kind of news I shouldn't have to bring home.

There's quite an extensive list of problems Equestria, if not the world, is going to have to face if the portal's aren't up an running soon. Not the least of which will be the major upsets in the areas with higher human concentrations. That's the bad stuff, now then there's the sad stuff. The children, like Henry and Jessica, they're going to need a lot of comfort until this is resolved.

Then there's the other stuff. The Displaced, like Thrandor, can't be cured, by present methods. Sending them home is the only known method of snapping them out of it. Or even the amalgamations, sending them back to earth reverses the effects magic has wrought upon their bodies.

On a side note. Something else very odd is happening. Not only have we been unable to open portals to send humans back home, but nothing come over here either. At least, not since Monday.


*	*	*


Bon Bon gave me her report almost as soon as I walked through the front door. Give that girl a cookie. Which I would then promptly take away and eat in front of her.

She got him to meet some of the town colts today, in a decent attempt to help him make some friends. That's a good way to put him at ease. The colts around town are mostly good boys. It won't be long before they're dragging him all around town as part of their gang or something. And that's not a gang as they have back in the cities. Too many people get that wrong. They're just a group of tight-knit friends.

Bonny said that they got along fairly well. They mainly  played a few games and watched some TV. But, with colts, that seems to be all it takes, usually.  Something I don't understand about males that I find fascinating, is that two can sit in the same room, not say a single word to each other, and then leave as the best of friends, knowing almost everything about each other. How does that even work?

Though, it wasn't all perfect. The colts wanted to take him around to another house, and tried to drag him along in a sled. Reportedly, it scared him something fierce. Well, why wouldn't it? He still can't grip onto things, and those colts probably dragged it rather fast. I just hope they don't think he's crybaby. That would be a bad blow to him.


*	*	*


Bonny also told me he had a nightmare when she stayed up with him last night. I had no idea she was staying up with him. At first I thought it might have been brought about by my illustrated adventure deterrents. But, no, apparently it was about a white blood cell trying to eat him. Bonny couldn't get anymore information out him about it, so I took matters into my own hoofs.

I confronted him about it, to which he tried pass it off as "I don't know", but there is no way anyone, ever, has a nightmare about that without some kind of context. It took a little convincing, but I finally drew it out of him.

It was from a movie called the Fantastic Voyage, about some people who were shrunk down so that they could enter someone's body to heal him or something. Those details weren't important. What was important was the ending, where one of their members was trapped and then eaten alive by the white blood cell. Henry couldn't seem to help but hug my leg as he described the man's vivid screams as he was being devoured alive.

What. The. Hell? Who lets a child watch that kind of movie? Who makes that kind of movie? To make things worse, the reason he was so reluctant to tell me about this? His sibling called him a whiny crybaby and tried to make him watch it again. He's only ten years old. With siblings like that, it's a wonder he's not a nervous wreck. What a bunch of little sadists.

He also mentioned he has that nightmare a lot.


*	*	*


Despite being upset with Bonny, she doesn't need to stay up every night with the kid. I'm letting her and Noteworthy get back to making that second foal, while I sit up with Henry. He's really quiet, and likes the light coming off my horn as a write. Of course, he closes his eyes whenever I look back at him. Doesn't want to be caught awake. I'm assuming he doesn't mind the extra light. His nightlight's brighter, but my magic moves. I'm hoping it sooths him, like waves on the ocean.

It's taken him a while to fall asleep. I even gave him a glass of warm milk before bed. That usually helps. Or, so I've heard. Mama used to give me a glass before bed every night. Maybe it's just different for other people. But, I at least hope it will help keep him from dreaming about murderous white blood cells.

I'm thinking about having some warm milk myself, for both nostalgia, and to not dream about being eating alive blood either. It's really disturbing me. There are movies full of blood, that parents would never show their small children, ever. But a movie where blood is large enough to eat people is okay? That's a whole new level of crazy.


*	*	*


(1)That word actually holds a lot of meaning to anthropologists. Their motto is even "While We are Amongst Humans, Let Us be Humane".
> -56- Diary Highlights #4
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is getting increasingly frustrating. Before, it usually took two or three mages to hold open a portal. Now it's taking around six. To top that, the rocks we're chucking through them are starting to bounce back. Well, at least the portals are exploding anymore when introduced to foreign matter.

In other words, our power over the fabric of space and time is weakening. We're missing something. Something so simple, that we're all going to kick our own plots once we figure it out.

Until then, I'm going to keep this under my hat and away from the humans for now. No sense worrying them over something that is sure to turn over any day now.


*	*	*


I took Henry ice fishing today. Boy, did I think it was going to be fun. It started out fun anyway. Then we got to the lake. 

I rented one of those shacks people use to stay out of the weather. It was comfortable at first. I melted a perfectly circular hole in the ice with my magic, that really seemed to entertain the kid. I made a show of it too. It's good being a unicorn. Just thought I'd mention that. It was also a nice way to take my mind off of the interdimensional problems.

And, boy, did it take my mind off those problems.

Did you know that the fishing shack I rented was made of tin foil? Or at least something similar? Though, tin becomes incredibly brittle in the cold, and I torn a small hole in the wall when I leaned my hoof against it in a fit of laughter when the kid started gagging when he smelled our bait. Very aged clams marinated in spoiled milk. It's amazing bait, actually. But, more to the point.

The hole wouldn't have been so bad, but then a wind picked up and promptly made the small hole the size of a door, and then the whole shack lifted off like a kite and flew off. In a possibly related news, the Flower sisters reported seeing a UFO. I tried to make the best of it.

I had brought a couple thick blankets, so, I wrapped the two of us up and baited the hooks. Henry was using a scarf as a makeshift gasmask, which I promptly snapped a picture of. Of course I brought a camera, it was the kid's first fishing trip.

A rogue cloud began snowing on us, forcing me to maintain the hole as it threatened to close up. Then, while we weren't paying a attention, it warmed up a little, melting some of the snow around us, then cooled down again, freezing it. So, when we thought we had had enough, which wasn't very long, the blankets we were wrapped up in were stuck to the ice. It took a while to extract ourselves.

I owe Bon Bon two new blankets.

So, we returned home, three decently sized fish in tow. How would I describe this experience? Imagine yourself standing waste deep in a pool in the middle of a blizzard while a best friend shovels snow down your back. That's a fairly accurate description, if I do say so myself.


*	*	*


Bonny asked a very thought provoking question tonight. What if we can't send the kid home. I'll admit, that has been an itch in the back of my brain. But, it's nothing I need to worry about. This is all going to blow over soon. Though, I must wonder, what would I do?

There is an orphanage in Ponyville. Sister Ciel is a good caretaker, one of Equestria's finest. But, Henry's not an orphan. He's got a family. And, just sending him there after taking care of him like a member of the family would be like ripping the rug out from under him just to watch him cry. I just don't know what to do. I'll come back to this later.

As an aside, did I just refer to myself as a part of the family? That's silly. I just live here. But, I won't deny it though, Noteworthy is excellent husband material, especially after Bon Bon confessed he used to an agent as well. That's really made me a little hot under the collar around him. I guess there are really no more important secrets between us.

Except this diary. I went to Princess Twilight's library and found a recoding spell that rewrites everything in the diary unless I pick it up. Anyone else looks inside and they'll find a load of gibberish. Apparently it was popular amongst old-age wizards to keep their work from being stolen before publication. Unfortunately, it apparently also led to a lot of lost knowledge as some wizards died before publishing their work.

That just gave me a horrible thought. What if I die before publishing "MOST" of what I've written about this human-in-equestrian experience? Would they think they'd lived with a madmare if they saw the gibberish in this thing? It would almost be worth faking my death just to see the looks on their faces. But I won't, that'd be evil in more ways than five.


*	*	*


Another frustrating day of trying to fix the portal problem. Curious if we just needed some brute strength, we conscripted Big Macintosh and Bulk Biceps to try their hooves at it. And by conscripted, I mean we mares gave them our best doe eyes and pouts then sat back to watch the rippling hulks of muscle at work.

Even if they were unsuccessful, we were very pleased with their services and paid them appropriately. Enough to ensure they would come back again and ask if we needed anymore help. We most likely will. Getting paid to show off to us mares, and help further extradimensional science, almost sounds like usury. But they're paid, everyone's happy, the end.


*	*	*


Today I got to spend time with both Henry and Noteworthy. Bonny had taken Twist to a dental appointment. It was the perfect time to cook the fish we had caught a week ago. We included Henry as much as we could, having him measure out the spices we would be using and turning on the stove. But, he was also content to just sit back and watch when it wasn't necessary. Notes also set him upon the countertop so he could see better, something Bonny would never allow if she were here. But, we won't tell.

While Henry watched the frying fish with a hilarious amount of fascination, I got to talking with the stallion about F.R.O.W.N. Bonny had told him that she told me, and he took it rather well. In fact, he told me he had been thinking over how to tell me if it ever came up ever since Bonny told me about S.M.I.L.E.

My only regret is that I won't be able to actually publish any of those stories he told me. In fact, I'm not even comfortable enough to write them either. But, I will mention, that while Bonny's agency had an affinity to capture it's targets and imprison them, F.R.O.W.N. didn't exactly have such a friendly or forgiving methodology towards it's targets. Preferring more permanent solutions to keep Equestria safe.

I might have asked him to go deeper in depth, but, I'm afraid that his stories may actually be more frightening than Darkest Darkness's Guide to the Most Terrifying Things in Existence. And nothing would keep me up at night more than a story about the unholy monster got away and is seeking revenge.

The fish was delicious by the way. That stallion has a knack.


*	*	*


We had Pinkie Pie and Screwball come out to the testing area today to see if their incredible grasp on strange magic could help aid in our attempts. No such luck I'm afraid.

Pinkie took one look at our portal and said "the probably not has turned orange, so, no can do, sorry" and then hopped off back to Sugarcube Corner.

Screwball at least tried, hitting the portal with her strange-chaos hybrid magic and her mutilated baseball bat. But, eventually, she gave up too. She mentioned something about the orange not being curved and that it was also too orderly for her to have any effect, then she flew away on her beanie to play hopscotch with the clouds.

As disheartening as it was, it was hilarious seeing some of the other unicorns' faces at the sight of the filly's fascinating feats. They really shouldn't disregard earth pony magic so much. That's how a flower pot drops out of nowhere.


*	*	*


The storm must be really bad in Manehatten. I still haven't received word from the test results I had Nurse Redheart send. I would really like those results to put my mind at ease. The chances of him being an aligned instead of an amalgamation are one in the million. Or, eight out of twenty-two thousand five hundred thirty-eight. The latest official number of humans to have been pulled over since the beginning. Seriously, there have only been eight others. Almost no one even knows they exist, which is fine, I guess. No one really needs that attention.

But, again, that itch in my head where I just have to know, or figure something out. I hate that. It's been known to keep me up for days until I have an answer. Thankfully, there are books, or, if I'm in a major city, the internet. It's going to be coming out here within this next year, really looking forward to that.

Anyway, this is Lyra Heartstrings, signing off until next time.
> -57- Diary Highlights #5
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know there was once a group of scientific terrorist who tried to make a spell that would turn thoughts into bombs? It was a well recorded case used in advanced magic study to teach students the difference between creativity and stupidity. How did we thwart these mind bombs you ask? We didn't.

Fillydelphia police were asked to investigate the smell coming from a house. Upon entering they discovered the rotting corpses of the terrorists in the basement, their heads missing and almost everything grotesquely painted. This was quickly published to keep anyone else from getting such a bright idea ever again.

Why is this relevant? Because my head hurts. I've given control over my office to a young apprentice anthropologist so that I could spend more time helping with the dimensional problem. Thanks to the Princesses' concern for this project, we've had no end of supporters and help. Various colleges and fringe groups have been lending us their aid. Not the first time I've seen machines that enhance magical properties, but not something this powerful.

But it's still making no difference. I look forward to heading home everyday so I can sleep off the migraines I've been getting from exerting myself so often. Though, I don't want to neglect the family, so I pop a few aspirin in the bathroom and give them my attention. Then I promptly fall asleep amongst my plushies.


*	*	*


Someone tried to firebomb the front gates of Princesses' palace today. Thankfully, it was unsuccessful and the poor man who attempted it wasn't harmed. A father, who wants to get back home really bad. Darn it. That's only the fourth one this week. You think that's bad? well, consider the fact that there are only two casualties so far.

Both suicides. However, this is less than the expected.

Let's face it. That was bound to happen. Humans come from a very hard world, and if they think their trust has been betrayed, they can lose control. And I can't stand it.

Even in the testing area, there is talk of all this being a lost cause. I refuse to believe it. It can't be true. I, for one, will not give up. Even if my horn explodes from overuse. That can't really happen, right? Great, now I'm going to have to look it up.


*	*	*


I caught him crying. Henry, that is. He was crying in his room, under his bed, trying to hide it. He didn't even notice I was in the room with him until I slipped under the bed to give him a hug. He vehemently denied it afterwards though. I know he must be missing his family something awful, but, I'll have to do for the time being.

Quietly, I brought it up with up Bonny and Notes, so they could be aware of and help with the situation. I made them swear not to tell anyone else, not even Twist. They were willing to comply and promised they would help keep his spirits up in this time of trouble.

Just gonna pop some more aspirin here and go to bed. These headaches are getting worse.


*	*	*


The postcards I've been receiving from Mark Smith aren't even cheering me up anymore. Though it is a very nice thing. I've written back to him plenty. I don't feel there is any need to keep secrets from him. Strange I know. I always feel as though I can tell him anything, and it'll all come out for the better. Really feel like a little filly because of that. But I can't seem to help it.

These headaches may be a factor though.

Well, as for my daily report on Henry, he's no longer hiding. From me, at least. He's actually seeking me out to cry now, I guess because I bring him comfort. I don't mind, I can ignore these headaches as long as I can make one human feel better. In fact, I've tucked him into bed with me for tonight, this way neither of us have to be alone.

I care about him. That much is obvious. But, more. Almost more than any other human I've cared about before. I'm not supposed to get attached like this. This is one of those things we're supposed to be trained against. The Florence Nightingale Syndrome has no mercy, or sense of appropriateness, it would seem. He's going to be sent home. I swear it. He's going to be with his family, and i'm not going to give up. Ever.

I'm very tired. My writing is definitely showing it with the over dramatization. But, I mean it. He's going home. He deserves a family. He deserves to be with the ones he loves.

Tomorrow is a big day. It's the day we succeed. Mark my words. We're going to tear open the fabric of space and time. No one needs be stranded here in an unfamiliar world.

I promise I'm going to make it all better. Even if everyone else gives up. Everything is going to be better.

Goodnight.
> -58- In Our Time of Need
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you know I actually bought a house here in Ponyville before moving in?" Lyra asked weakly. She was laid up in bed, where she had been for the past couple of days.

Henry, who was spoon-feeding her soup, as the doctors had instructed Lyra not to use magic for at least a week, shook his head. This resulted in soup dribbling onto the blankets. He cringed visibly. But, Lyra just chuckled.

"It's alright," she said, patting him atop the head. "It'll wash out. But, back to what I was saying. Yes, I did, in fact, buy a house here in Ponyville. Unfortunately, it was already occupied, and the pony I bought it from turned out to be a con artist. So, there I was, suitcase packed, and homeless in some rural town without a roof over my head. To make things worse, it was apparently "Everyone Vacation in the Country Day", so the motel and hotels were packed. Not to mention it was pretty late."

"What'd you do?" Henry asked, after setting the spoon back into the bowl.

"Tried to sleep on a park bench like a bum," Bon Bon, who had just entered the room, said before replacing the wet towel on Lyra's forehead.

Lyra chuckled and sighed happily as the cold towel soothed her brow. "That's exactly what I did. And why not? I'd done it a few times before. Like the time I decided to sneak out of the house as a teenager so I could join my friends at a club. Mama and papa found out and locked all the doors and windows so I couldn't get back in until morning. Once inside however, I got an earful I will never forget."

Henry found himself laughing. "So you slept outside all night in Ponyville?"

"No," Lyra shook her head and tilted her horn at Bon Bon. "This mare wouldn't let me."

"Of course not," Bon Bon stated firmly as she used the previous wet towel to clean up the droplets of soup. "That would just be uncivilized."

Lyra wasn't finished. "She practically dragged me here by my ears, gave me a hot meal, and let me sleep on the spare bed in this basement. Where I promptly refused to leave. A war escalated soon after, which ended with the signing of a peace treaty whereupon it was agreed I could have free roam of the house and fridge as long as I paid tribute to her and her husband for protection."

"It was nowhere near as dramatic as she claims," Bon Bon told Henry, who looked like he might actually believe it. "We let her stay here until she got her affairs in order, then she asked us if we would consider renting out the basement. We agreed, after considering we could use some extra cash for odds and ends. From then on she practically became one of the family."

"My version's better," Lyra huffed and stuck out her tongue dramatically.

"Never a dull moment," Bon Bon sighed wearily. She turned her attention to the colt. "Make sure she eats all of her soup this time. Can you do that for me?"

Henry threw her a quick salute, causing both mares to giggle at the silliness. The earth pony mare then left, leaving the two alone. Henry turned to pick the spoon back up, but was stopped by Lyra's hoof gripping his shoulder.

"How are you doing today, kid?" she asked him softly.

"Mm fine," he said trying to look her in the. But he failed.

"I'm sorry," Lyra sniffed, wiping her nose with the crook of a leg. "We did our best. I'm also sorry I wasn't there for you when you got the news."

"You were sleeping," Henry said. "They said you did more than everyone else. That the reason you got hurt was because you wanted to send me back to my family."

"I wish I could have done more," Lyra said lowering her head until her nose touched the blanket. She gasped a little when she felt him embrace her head in a tight hold.

"No," he cried, "don't hurt yourself again. It's not worth it. Please."

Lyra didn't even attempt to pry him off. Instead she just patted his back. "You are worth it, kid. Don't feel bad about people wanting to help you. We're all imperfect and need each other's support. You're no different."

Henry let go and sat back on the mattress, rubbing some tears from his eyes. "But, I don't like it when people get hurt. I'm just a kid, not like I can do something important."

"Again, stop feeling guilty," Lyra told him gently. "It's because you're a kid that we're going to help you so much. You and every other lost soul. It was my pleasure to go the distance. I'm an anthropologist, Henry. Helping people is my job."

"My dad complains about his job all the time," henry said, trying to make a comparison.

"Well, unlike your father, I happen to love my job," Lyra chuckled at his childish attempt. "It breaks my heart to know that it's not going to be around much longer. Now that no more humans can come through, I'm just going to have to muck through the final pieces of culture shock and misunderstandings until everyone's successfully integrated. Basically, just a year or two left before the last generation, my generation, is no longer needed."

"You're needed now," Henry stated, nuzzling her. A habit he had picked up from being around ponies for well over a month.

The mint mare nuzzled back. "Thanks, I needed that, kid. Now. How about some more of that soup?"
> -59- Alignment
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra walked slowly through the slushy streets, her good friend beside her, the two foals close by their sides, and behind them a wagon in tow. Bon Bon was pulling the wagon, not only because she was the stronger of the two mares but also because Lyra had barely just recovered enough to walk again. But she was only allowed to go outside with either Bon Bon, Noteworthy, or another trusted friend lest she get herself into a bad situation.

"Thanks again," Lyra said as she saw her destination come into view. She was dressed in a thick hoodie with a yellow scarf wrapped about her neck and mouth, which muffled her voice some. Even her hooves were encompassed in snow boots.

Bon Bon nodded as she kept even with Lyra's slow pace. "It's my pleasure, Lyra. The post office is on the way to Milky's anyway, so it's really no biggie."

"You sure you want to use her old machine?" Lyra asked, pausing a moment to lift a hoof to her mouth as she coughed. "I mean it's sweet ...(ack)... of her to offer, ...(gaock)... but, you know there must be a ...(wheeze)... must be a reason she replaced it."

Bon Bon rubbed her friend's shoulder as the coughing subsided. "It's just to help me get used to the feeling."

"So, when are you going to tell, Notes?" Lyra asked with a small chuckle. He laughed a bit harder when the mare tripped over her own hooves in shock. This led to another fit of coughing.

"W-what do you mean?" Bon Bon asked nervously, looking around to see if anyone was within earshot. The only other ponies close by were Twist and Henry, and they were too busy making circles around the two mares in an enthusiastic game of tag.

Lyra leaned close to her friend until their noses were touching. "Puh-lease, girl. You may have been able to hide your past from me, but I would have to be blind not know."

Bon Bon sighed in defeat and smiled at the unicorn. "Clever as ever, eh, Lyra?"

"Oh, so I'm right?" Lyra gasped, her eyes sparkling.

"Wait, you didn't know?" Bon Bon asked, giving her friend the stink eye.

"Well, I do now, congratulations," the mint mare chuckled, trying to give her friend a friendly sock on the shoulder. But almost overbalanced in the process. Thankfully, Bon Bon caught her.

"Are you sure your well enough to be out today?" the mare asked in concern.

Lyra nodded. "I'm just a little weak. I'll be just fine."

"Alright, if you say so," Bon Bon said, starting to walk again, but keeping close by the other mare's side just in case.

Inside the post office they bumped into a certain mailmare. Literally.

"Oops, my bad," Derpy said blushed as she brushed herself off and checked the straps on her mailbags, which were stuffed to the point of bursting.

"Wow, sure you can carry all that, Derpy?" Lyra asked in amazement.

The pegasus deflated some. "Boy, I hope so. The mail's really been piling up for the past month. In and out of town. Mostly junk mail from people trying to take advantage of a crisis. Soulless jerks. But, I'm paid to deliver. Ooh, speaking of which I have some for you both. You're in my route, in case you didn't know."

"We know, Derpy," Bon Bon stated with a chuckle as she accepted the bundle of letters from the good mare. "I leave a fresh muffin out for you every other week."

"Oh, yeah, duh," Derpy said, making a silly face. "Sometimes I forget. It's these titanic parcels, they've been cutting off the blood to my brain, I just know it."

"Sure is a lot of letters," Lyra muttered as she looked at the large stack bundled together with a rubber band.

"Wwweeee kind of had an accident a week or so ago," Derpy said, rubbing the back of her head. "It wasn't me, I swear. But, there was a few ponies in the back room who decided to push the mail bins around too fast and crashed... you can figure it out from there."

"Ugh, of course," Lyra grunted as she began flipping through them earth pony style, as she was still forbidden from using magic at the moment.

"Well, don't let us keep you," the earth pony mare told the pegasus, stepping aside so she could exit. "Have a nice day."

"You too, Bon Bon."

The confectioner turned back to her friend. "Anything important?"

Lyra nodded. "Yep. The University of Manehatten did send me the letter I've been waiting for. Mind if I read it now?"

The other mare shook her head. "Of course not. I'm not going to hurry you up."

Lyra pulled the envelope from the bundle and gripped it between her hooves before tearing one end off with her teeth. Then she slickly managed to pull the letter itself out as well. She quickly began to read it over, her expression dropping towards the end. "Of course."

"Is... is everything all right, Lyra?"

The mint mare shook her head. "No. Here, see for yourself."

Bon Bon took the letter and scanned it herself. "Oh... I see. He's aligned."

"The ninth one in all of history," Lyra grunted as she stood back. She cast a look over at the two foals who were looking between the two adults in confusion.

"What's aligned mean?" Henry asked, head tilted to the side curiously.

The two mare's locked eyes and sighed. Which concerned both the foals, especially Twist.

"Ith it dangerouth?" she asked, hugging the colt in a way that almost looked painful. "He'th not going to die, right?"

"No-no, of course not," Bon Bon comforted her filly. "It's just... ooh, how do you say this?"

"What's happened to me?" Henry asked almost pleading.

"Not here," Lyra said, looking about the post office. Some ponies quickly turned to face the other direction. "Too many big ears."

"We could stop off by the park," Bon Bon suggested.

"Correction, Henry and I will stop off at the park," Lyra stated, her tone broking no argument. "You and Twist go ahead to Milky's. I need to do this alone."


*	*	*


The park was mostly empty, save for a certain group of fillies dragging a loaded catapult across an open field. Neither the mare nor the colt questioned it, just threw them a friendly wave and went on their way. They eventually arrived at a bench.

Lyra deposited Henry on the wooden seat and then clumsily climbed on herself. Once there, she sat up in her usual unusual position and lifted Henry up onto her lap so they could share each other's warmth better.

"I like this bench," she mentioned as she looked about the snow covered park. "This is the very bench I tried to sleep on my first day in Ponyville. It's also where I met Bon Bon. Being here helps me think. It's also where we take lunch during the summer. But, you don't really care about that. You wanna know what's going on."

"Uh-huh," Henry said as he blew at some snowflakes that threatened to land on his nose.

"Well, normally when a human crosses over, they exist in both worlds at the same time, while at the same time they are only present in one," Lyra explained, then looked at the absolute confusion on the colt's face. Why did she even think that would work? Even most adults had a hard time understanding the concept without an illustration. "Okay, let's try something else."

Using her hoof, she drew a line in the snow next to them on the bench. "Let's pretend this is the wall between our two realities. You understand that?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I understand that."

"Good," Lyra said with a small smile. It felt good that she was actually managing to teach him in a way he understood. That was a thought. Maybe she'd become a teacher after she was no longer needed as an anthropologist. Anyway, back to the simplified lesson in quantum mechanics. "Now, let's pretend this is a human."

Again, without magic, she made a crude little snowman, which she set on one side of the line. Henry looked up at her and nodded to show he was still following her.

"Okay, now the human gets pulled through a portal," she lifted the snowman up and set in on the other side of the portal. "What did he leave behind, Henry?"

"A hole," Henry said, pointing a hoof at the small patch of bare bench where the snow had clung to the bottom of the snowman, only to be taken away with it. Though he was unsure if that was the correct answer. "Right?"

Lyra nodded slowly. "That's it exactly. Though, 'impression' would be a better word. He left behind an impression. That's the part of him left on the human side of the portal. That would be peoples memories of him, the things he's done... his mark on the world, as it were."

"So I left behind a hole?" he asked, looking up at her, trying to understand what she was getting at.

The mare sighed sadly and shook her head. "No, Henry." She then proceeded to wipe away the snow on the human side of the illustration, then set the snowman back down on the bare bench. "If I pick up the snowman now, what will it leave behind?"

He thought for a minute just in case it was a trick question. "Nothing?"

Lyra lifted the snowman and deposited it unceremoniously on the pony side of the portal. "Exactly. Look at the human side of the wall, Henry. There's no evidence that the human was ever there. As if he never existed."

"Are you saying I don't exist?" Henry asked in a quiet voice as the message was starting to sink in.

"Over there?" Lyra pointed to the human side. "You did but..."

"I did but I don't anymore," Henry asked, grasping at the mental threads within his reach.

"Kind of, but...," she was really not sure how to explain it. Even in simple words it would be confusing. "You may have been born over there, loved over there, eaten, slept and played over there, but you never existed over there. Ugh... this is impossible to explain."

"I never existed over there now?"

Lyra stared down at him with wide eyes. Was he actually getting it? Well, as they said: 'from the mouths of babes'. "Yes. That's a perfect way of saying it. You never existed over there after you crossed over. You never existed there now."

"So my family forgot about me, but not really, because I was never born after I came here?" Henry asked, fighting through the confusion that threatened to overcome him as it became all the more complex.

"Easy there, kid," Lyra said, running a gentle hoof through his mane. "Don't hurt yourself. You're hurt enough as it is. But, yes. That's essentially it."

"Good," Henry then said, looking down and sniffing a little. But he didn't cry.

"Excuse me?" Lyra asked in shock. "Did you just say 'good'?"

He nodded. "Yes. This way they won't be sad. I won't upset them anymore. I made them upset lots of times. I didn't like making them upset, but I just did. I couldn't help it. So, it's good."

Lyra shook her head and hugged the colt to her chest, a lone tear crawling down her cheek. "That's horrible, Henry. Losing a child is bad enough. But to forget them because they never existed is... is... just too horrible to imagine."

"Am I making you upset, Miss Heartstrings," Henry asked, looking at her worriedly, with a hint of shame.

"No, of course not," Lyra told him with a soft nuzzle. "It's just part of being a mare. We're just a little more emotional then you colts. Hehe. Remember that, kid, it'll help you later in life more than you realize at the moment."

Henry wasn't really paying attention. His eyes were set upon the illustration the good doctor had created. The falling snow slowly starting to erase it. "So, I'm all alone? I never had a family anymore?"

"No," Lyra said, turning his chin up to face her. "That's not true at all. I promise you, Henry. And you'll never be alone again."

Then she leaned down and kissed his forehead in a most motherly manner.
> -60- Secret of the Anthropologist
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two little ponies sat quietly in a booth at Sugarcube Corner. Not a sad kind of quiet, but the thoughtful and contemplative kind. The mint mare and the colt with the rusty mane leaning against her waited for their orders to arrive. All the while a pink pony was stealthily placing balloons about the bakery.

Bon Bon and Twist, the former carrying four mugs of hot chocolate upon a tray, while the latter balanced a warm cinnamon roll atop her head, arrived to join them. The mare quickly passed around drinks, while Twist deposited the cinnamon roll in front of Henry, nudging him slightly.

"Eat up, Henry," she said with a smile. "It'll make you feel better."

"She's right, kid," Lyra said, with a nod as she reached for her mug. Henry hadn't really said anything since Bon Bon picked them up at the park and escorted them to the bakery.

"Did he take the news well?" Bon Bon asked, giving the colt a pitying glance.

"Better than I could have," Lyra sighed.

Henry eventually began taking small bites of his cinnamon roll, not looking at anyone or anything in particular. Twist leaned in close on his other side as she sipped from her own mug. Bon Bon thought she could help cheer him up.

"Pipsqueak was rather disappointed you didn't show up with Twist and myself," she said in an attempt to encourage a reaction. He looked up at her moment.

"Yeah, would've been nice to see him too."

"Perhaps later today," Bon Bon suggested. "It's still early. You'll have plenty of time to play you friends after you're feeling better."

He nodded again and continued eating the cinnamon roll.

"So," the candy maker said, turning to her friend, "have you come to a decision regarding... current events."

The good doctor looked her friend in eye for a long moment before nodding. "Of course. I've been thinking about it for a while, actually."

"Good, that very good to know," Bon Bon smiled. "And your choice iseeeep!"

Noteworthy seemed to have almost come out of nowhere and planted a kiss of his wife's cheek. "Fancy meeting you here, dear. What's all this about?"

The mare was slightly miffed at being interrupted in a middle of something important, but gave her stallion a kiss on the nose anyway. "We were just discussing the future of our little houseguest. What are you doing here?"

The blue stallion scooted into the booth next to his wife and opened his mouth to explain. Only to close his mouth again in confusion. "You know... I'm not really sure. I just suddenly got a hankering to come here. I'm not even hungry, really."

A pink pony quietly snuck a rather large stack of subliminal messages into the back room of the bakery for later use. Their purpose had been served, and more ponies were quietly filing in, also unaware of the sudden compulsion to enter the establishment. A purple filly walking across the ceiling while wearing padded shoes in order to stay silent as she erecting a length of canvas.

"Well, since your here, it'll save us from having to repeat anything," the confectioner sighed, offering him some of her hot chocolate. "So, tell us, Lyra, what's the verdict?"

Lyra looked between her two landlords and Henry, taking a couple deep breaths to calm herself down before telling them. She looked Bon Bon right in the eyes and cleared her throat. "I'm keeping him." She wrapped a hoof around the colt, who clung to her in turn. "Mama and papa are going be over the moon when they find out the have a grandson. Hehe."

"Lyra..."

"I know, Bonny," Lyra said, holding up her hooves defensively. "There's not really that much room in the house as it is. And you and Noteworthy are" - she couldn't say "expecting", as that would ruin the surprise for the stallion - "going to be having more kids in the future. Don't worry. I can find us a new house and be out of your mane long before then."

"Lyra..."

"I've actually already been looking at a few houses," she continued. "Nothing's really out of my price range here in Ponyville, but, I learned my lesson about being swindled a while ago, so I should be better prepared this time. Heck, all our stuff should be really easy to pack, up. It'll be as if we were never there. Honest."

"Lyra..."

"It's okay, Notes. I won't burden you with having to move any of my furniture out of the house. I'll hire some movers for that. I want to make the move as painless for you all as possible, so we can..."

"LYRA!"

The mint mare shut her mouth and stared across at housewife with wide eyes. "Yes, Bonny?"

The other mare sat back and groaned, rubbing her temples in agitation. "You'll be doing no such thing, young lady."

Lyra scowled. "Hey. It's my life. If I want to adopt this kid, there's nothing you can do to stop me."

She facehoofed and groaned again. "No, Lyra. That's not what I'm getting at."

"Oh," Lyra said, looking a little sheepish now. "Sorry. But, then, what will I not be doing?"

"Moving out," Bon Bon said in as clear a voice as she could muster in her frustration. "There's no need for you to go anywhere, Lyra. You and Henry will always be welcome."

"But..."

"No buts, Lyra," she cut the mint mare off. "That would be wrong on several levels. Not the least of which would be how it would effect my little Twister. The very idea, taking away her auntie and playmate. Shame."

Lyra looked down to her side to see a teary eyed Twist looking at her while hugging Henry as though she were afraid he would disappear. "Ah, I didn't think about that."

"That's why we're here," Noteworthy said with a chuckle. "You tend to miss things."

Picking up both the foals and setting them on her lap, Lyra sighed. "Yeah. I guess I do tend to do that."

"Please don't leave, Auntie Lyra," Twist cried, snuggling into the mare's hoodie.

"I... I...," Lyra just didn't know what to say.

"And were you planning on raising him all by yourself?" Bon Bon added with a stomp of her hoof. "You've done some things of questionable intelligence before, Lyra. But that would just take the cake."

Lyra's ears drooped. It was true, she hadn't thought it through very well. "But, I..."

"It's going to take an entire herd to help this colt, after all he's been through, Lyra," the earth pony explained softly. "Noteworthy, Twist, and I are more than ready to help you both get through this no matter how long it takes."

The resulting silence was so thick you couldn't have cut it with a knife. The gathering audience they were oblivious to began to wonder if they should start placing bets on which direction things would go.

With a choking sob, Lyra cried. "I want to, Bonny. I so-so want to be a part of your herd. But..."

"But nothing," the other mare said. "This may seem a little underhanded, Lyra, but you need us. You know next to nothing about caring for a child."

"And we want to be there to help you," Noteworthy said a kind smile crossing his face. He wanted to be as gentle as possible, Lyra wasn't looking too well.

The two foals, not entirely sure what was going on, though Twist probably had a better idea, did their own to comfort the mint mare.

"You wouldn't want me if you knew," the doctor sniffed, hugging the two foals. "Please, just let it go."

"If we knew what, Lyra?" Bon Bon demanded with a grunt. "We've told you about our past. Our secrets. You're one of our greatest friends. You can tell us anything. We'll never love you less."

Lyra just looked down, unable to meet her eyes.

"You've always been a part of the herd, Lyra," Bon Bon said, dropping to a softer tone, one which she used to comfort Twist when she was but a infant. "You've always been a part of our family, even though we may not have realized it at first. Even without some binding legal contract, we'll all walk on hot coals if it will help you. What is it you think we don't know?"

The anthropologist took a deep breath and sniffed before looking at the mare and Stallion in turn. What was the point of hiding it anymore? They were going to reject her anyway. But, still, it took a great amount of effort She gave away her most guarded secret.

"Bonny, I'm human."
> -61- Paper Pact Pinkie Pie
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Wait. What?" Lyra demanded, staring wide-eyed across the booth at the mare and stallion, who were actually laughing a bit. The audience, which they were just now noticing, however, were shocked with their jaws hitting the floor.

"I said: 'we already know that, Lyra'," Bon Bon explained again, giving the audience a glare. This really should be a more private thing. But it didn't appear they would be moving anytime soon. Plus, they were kind of blocked in now.

"What? But-but... but how?" Lyra asked, bewildered.

"Did you think we would just let some stranger live around our little Twister without thoroughly checking their background?" Bon Bon replied with a somewhat apologetic undertone. "We're sorry to have been so invasive, but..."

Lyra held up a hoof. "I understand, Bonny." The unspeakable thought of "enemy splinter cell" was all too clear between them. "So... you also know that I am not an amalgamation, but an aligned? Correct?"

The mare and stallion nodded.

"We didn't really understand the quantum physics behind it before, just figured it was an anthropological term," Noteworthy said softly. "But we've did some more research recently."

"Then you know that I'm, sterile?"

There was a collective gasp from the audience, making the three ponies realize that the were being watched. Though Mrs. Cake and Redheart were heard much louder than the rest. Noteworthy and Bon Bon regarded them with a glare before giving a nod to Lyra.

"Yes," Noteworthy said calmly. "But we've known that since about the first week you lived with us."

"Do you also know that I'm wanted dead or alive for piracy on the east coast?"

"Lyra," Bon Bon snapped at her, cowing the mare and making the audience take a step back. "Are you really going to sit there and make up excuses as to why you won't join our herd?"

Lyra curled up a bit, encasing the foals between her chin and legs. "Yes?"

The other mare groaned and sat back. "Ugh. Why do you have to be so silly?"

"I'm scared, Bonny," Lyra said softly. That got everyone's attention. "Other than mama and papa, I've kept these secrets secret since I was four years old. I don't know how to... how to deal with this."

"Well, you won't have to deal with it alone," the earth pony said kindly. "Noteworthy and I are here to help you ever step of the way, and you have all your friends here who'll never abandon you either."

Lyra looked about at the people who were smiling at her. Pony and human alike. "Did this have to happen on a busy day for Sugarcube Corner?"

"Saves time going around town telling everyone," Noteworthy shrugged with a chuckle.

"Were you planning this?" Lyra asked, narrowing her eyes in a scrutinizing fashion.

"Well, you know, remember about a month ago when we pulled that 'no dessert for a week' thing on you?" the candy maker asked.

Lyra nodded. "Well, yeah, I'm mostly over it now..."

"We said we were sorry."

"You're forgiven, I'm just miffed. But, how could you plan this out? The odds against it coming together so perfectly are astronomically... Pinkie Pie! You set this up with that reality twisting savant, didn't you?"

"Actually that was me setting it up with all of them," the pink party planner in question piped up from beside Lyra on the window side of the seat, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. She made a face. "Ugh, it's gone cold. You guys really do talk too much. You know that?"

"Wait. What? You?" Lyra demanded, setting the foals on the other side of the seat, away from the bubbly mare. "What are you playing at?"

"Why, I'm making you happy, of course," the Pie explained as she pulled a fresh cup of hot chocolate from under the table and took a sip. "Smiley and Frowny have been trying too hard. I just figured they deserve a break so someone else could do the dirty work."

Both secret agents barely managed to keep their composure as the mare had just blurted out the names of the agencies without so much as batting an eye, or clueing anyone in. Not that they were entirely surprised, just mildly so. It was no small wonder they had that mare on a special list. Which she probably knew about.

"B-but I am happy," Lyra said, confused.

"Of course you are," Pinkie said with a smile so shrewd it could have started it's own law firm. She laid of a hoof on the mare's mint lips. "You smile here quite often." Then she placed the same hoof over the doctor's heart. "And your heart beats cheerful and optimistic." Then she frowned and placed the tip of the hoof upon the forehead. "But in here, it looks like Discord's internet history."


*	*	*


Elsewhere. A creature made up of mismatched parts suddenly felt a shiver run down his spine and his cheeks flushed red. "Now that was just rude. Tell everyone, why don't you? Honestly, can't a draconequus have a little privacy?""

He stormed off in a huff. "I'll just have to fix this. Right after I change a few coloring book pages, again."


*	*	*


"Well, with that out of the way," Pinkie said with a chuckle, "let Pinkie Pie put you problems at peace. Why do you want to join their herd so bad?"

"Huh?" Lyra said dumbly. "I haven't agreed to join anything just yet."

"I never said you did," Pinkie winked slyly. "And that's not what I asked. Com'on, Heartstrings. You've already told everyone your deepest secrets, why not unveil the shallow one's next?"

"I protest."

"Do you want me to reveal them in the form of a catchy song and interpretive dance?" Pinkie asked, bouncing her eyebrows. The look of dread on Lyra's face was a satisfying answer. She took a deep breath as if she were about to launch into the first verse.

"Because they're the most wonderful ponies I've ever met," Lyra cried out.

"Aaaand," Pinkie encouraged her.

"Ooooh," Lyra said, blushing and scowling at the same time. "They took me in off the street. They've taken care of me like I was family from the very beginning. Bonny would make a perfect herdsister for me, because she's gentle and caring, although a little to motherly at times, and I can confide in her about most everything. Noteworthy is big, strong, and kind, he would make a good husband for me, because I could lean against him in hard times. And Twist is a such a sweet little filly who's gotten so close that she calls me her auntie. If I were part of the herd, I would be able to forge a deeper relationship with her. Plus, with recent events, she would make a great sister for Henry."

"Go on," Pinkie responded.

"And because they're the only herd I've ever met who were interested in me rather than the fact that I'm filthy stinkin' rich," Lyra shouted, throwing her hooves up in the air and bursting into a fit of coughs. This prompted Nurse Redheart to take action.

"That's, quite enough now, Pinkie," she said, patting the unicorn on the back. "Easy, there. Take some deep breaths. That's it."

By the time Lyra was done coughing, she found her self being hugged by the herd she loved so much.

"Oh, Lyra, do you really mean that?" Bon Bon asked, nuzzling the unicorn's mane.

"Of course I do, Bonny," Lyra managed a weak chuckle. She gasped and blushed when Noteworthy kissed her cheek. She turned to face him, eyes wide. "Well. Aren't you forward?"

Noteworthy turned a little red. "Oops. Sorry. I guess I..."

He was silenced by an impassioned kiss on the lips. The anthropologist, when she was done, licked her lips, even though she was about as red as a beat by now. "Luckily for you, I like that kind of thing." She swallowed hard as prepared her next words. After all, what did she have to lose? "I... I accept your advances, Noteworthy. I will willingly and wholeheartedly sign in a contract with you."

While the stallion was speechless, his wife gave out a loud cheer and began dancing a small jig.

"You'll be needing these then," Pinkie said, reappearing from nowhere, this time holding a couple pieces of paper in her mouth and a stack of paper on her head. She set it them the table and hopped back.

"What are these?" the mint mare asked.

"A herd contract, a prenup, and the human-child-in-equestrian adoption forms you'll need to sign in order to adopt Henry. You should sign the first two first, as the adoption process goes much smoother when you're not single."

Lyra looked a the stack of adoption forms in bemusement. "You do realize, only a high-ranking anthropologist is allowed to hand those out, right?"

"Well, duh," Pinkie rolled her eyes as she reached into her mane. She pulled out a small card and passed it to the mare.

The unicorn's eyes threatened to explode out of her head. "You're an B-class Anthropologist? But... what... how? Just... how, Pinkie?"

"Same way Rainbow Dash is an ordained minister(1). Correspondence school."

While the cries of shock and bewilderment were happening below, Screwball was busily at work on the ceiling. Pinkie was good at distracting people.


*	*	*


(1) Because she thought ceremonies were boring and wanted to liven things up. She succeeded, if you must know.
> -62- Some Surprises, Freezing Brains, and a Green Cake
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Does this mean I have to go to a wedding?" Henry asked, after signing his own name on the adoption forms, which had to be explained to him. But, he had never been adopted before, so it was understandable. His mouthwriting was atrocious, which that was to be expected with his lack of experience.

Lyra, having finished signing the forms as well, hugged up the colt, who was now her son, and proceeded to nuzzle his head. "Nah. A wedding's traditionally only for the first wife."

Bon Bon huffed indignantly. "Screw tradition. If you want a wedding, you can have a wedding."

Pinkie quickly pulled a bouquet of red roses and a lacey garter from her mane, her expression like a firework had just gone off in her head. That is to say she was smiling incredibly wide. A nuclear holocaust would seem more like an epic lightshow to her.

Lyra just rolled her eyes at Bon Bon's suggestion. "Ugh. Com'on. A wedding is really nothing more than a ridiculous formality some ponies insist on. I think I'd rather skip right to the dessert, if you know what I mean?"

Pinkie tossed the items aside with a snort. "Pfft, never mind then."

"Well, a little celebration is in order, none-the-less," Bon Bon stated, turning to address Mrs. Cake. But instead found the Pie.

"Ah, don't worry about a thing, my dear Bon Bon," she said with a flourish on her hoof. "I've got it all covered. Bring down the house, Screwball."

With that, the filly who had been waiting relatively patiently on the ceiling, let out a whoop that could have mistaken for some savage war cry, and let lose the canvas. Balloons and confetti fell upon the gathered ponies, along with a swirly-eyed filly who landed with a thud and a giggle. In that order.

In case anyone thought she might have hurt herself, she picked herself up off of the floor with a whoop and gestured towards the canvas. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to Pinkie's first ever event where she didn't send out a single invitation."

"Welcome to the celebration of Lyra Heartstrings' union with Noteworthy's herd and the subsequent adoption of her son, Henry Mindell," Lyra read aloud with a gasp in surprise. Then her face twisted. "Um. Isn't that a title a little long and...well, refined... for a Pinkie party?"

Pinkie appeared beside her and blew a raspberry. "This isn't a party, silly. It's an event. That's why I only invited your friends, so they could celebrate with you. Oh, and Henry, your friends should be arriving right about... now."

The door to Sugarcube Corner opened up and in marched, or rather, tumbled a group of laughing and squealing colts and fillies.

"I win," came Scootaloo's muffled voice from beneath the jovial pile.

A few seconds later, a rather out-of-breath Sweetie Belle staggered in and climbed to the top of the pile to look around. "Hey. I think we just arrived at a Pinkie party."

The poor filly. The pile beneath her hooves practically exploded, sending her flying.

"A Pinkie Party?"

"Why weren't we told anything?"

"Where's the dessert table?"

"Screw that, is Rainbow Dash here?"

"Over here, squirt."

"Awesome."

"Who's the party for?"

"Uh, there's the banner. It says, Lyra and Henry 'ave joined Mr. Noteworthy's herd. Omigosh. This ain't a party. It's an event."

"See, Lyra, even the foals know the difference."

"I get it, Pinkie."

"Were we invited?"

"'Course we are. We're Henry's friends ain't we?"

"Unless it's one of those adult only things."

"No one's telling us to leave."

Lyra chuckled and set Henry back upon the ground. "As much as I want to hug you for hours on end. I think you need to go and play with your friends. This is a party..."

"Event," Pinkie corrected her with a snappy tone.

Lyra gave Pinkie a look. "Whatever, just go have some fun."

Henry happily did as he was told, rushing to the foals, who greeted and congratulated him. Then they all hurried of as one in search of fun in a cloud of dust.

"What games are there to play?"

"I hope we're not late. It would be a shame if it was almost over."

"Let's have a milkshake race."

Lyra smiled as they disappeared into the crowd. Then, as she was about to go find something to do herself, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning, she found Mrs. Cake and Nurse Redheart.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sterile?" Redheart all but demanded, keeping her voice low. "I've seen your medical records. How could that and the fact you're human be a nonexistent part of that?"

Lyra gave her an apologeticly nervous smile. "Well, as for how you never knew I was human... not many know about the aligned for a reason. It's to help us integrate better with the society that we're permanently stuck in. It was developed a long time ago after the mishaps in the discovery of the second aligned. To keep us from being treated as freaks of nature. As for why I'm barren..."

She paused a moment to think up an appropriate answer. "You know what happens when a pony falls in love with a donkey, right? They make a mule, or a hinny. Wonderful people mostly. But, because of the hybridization, they are unable to have children of their own. Which made many ponies think of them as a lower species for generations, until the reformation a hundred or so years ago. The same could almost be said for the aligned."

"Now you're confusing me," Redheart groaned, rubbing her head. "So you're not a pony, but a human mixed? Like an amalgamation?"

Lyra shook her head. "No. I am one hundred percent pony... while at the same time one hundred percent human."

"I think you need to explain things a little better than that," Mrs. Cake said, patting the poor nurse's back in a soothing way. "Try to keep it simple. For me as well, dear."

Lyra shrugged. "I'll try. I guess you could call it a quantum anomaly. Does that sound too much like meaningless technobabble? Anyway. My body is completely pony, from the blood in my veins to the hormones I experience." Here she paused to take a quick look at the blue stallion, was being dragged about by Bon Bon in an ecstatic fit of dancing. "But the impression I resonate is very human, and my body knows this. So, if I were to... er, engage in coitus with a certain stallion, my impression would not recognize his sperm as a compatible source of cell fusion for my eggs. And, were I to do the same with a human male, my pony body would do the same."

"So, you're actually fertile?" Redheart asked, quirking her brow as her head spun. "But you're ovaries cannot accept any form of insemination? Am I understanding this correctly?"

Lyra nodded.

"W-what about the potion used in causing incompatible species to have healthy children?"

"My body rejects that as well," Lyra said with a far off look in her eye. "I was contacted by the Anthropological Society headquarters to do a trial run for aligned. Seeing I was the only living one in existence at the time, I felt it was my duty for future generations. But, as soon as I drank the stuff, my body immediately just hurled it up, right in the face of the medical staff that was on stand by. It was tried several times, always with the same result."

"You're body refused to accept something that would make you compatible with a stallion?" The nurse gave her a pitying look. "What about an injection? Straight to the blood stream?"

"The strangest sweat I never want to experience again." Lyra shuddered at the memory. "And don't even ask me about the suppository trial."

Mrs. Cake turned a bit green as she tried not to think about it. Redheart, on the other hand, had seen her fair share of "things" in the hospital, so she wasn't as affected. She instead gave the mint mare a tight hug.

"You poor thing," she sniffed. "To think, all these years, with my talk of wanting to help you birth you babies and teach you the art of breastfeeding, I was hurting you so much."

"Actually, you were always a pleasure to talk to," Lyra chuckled as she returned the hug. "In a way, it was very nice, almost like hearing someone cheering me on, keeping me optimistic about the future. Like, maybe there'll be a better potion at some point, one my body won't try to expel like a water cannon."

Mrs. Cake turned a lot greener.

"Maybe someday," the white mare said, releasing the unicorn from the hug, and giving her a bright smile. "I do hope to be the one to deliver your babies if it ever does become possible. You will remember me, right?"

"Of course I will, you silly pony," Lyra chuckled.

suddenly, there were cries of anguish, and all eyes turned in shock to see what had happened.

Several colts and one orange pegasus filly were rolling on the ground, clutching their heads and crying. Half-empty milkshake glasses lay spilt up the table. The other fillies and a couple colts just sat there, staring at a joyboy one of the colt's was playing as they slowly sipped their milkshakes.

"That's my boy, right there," Lyra beamed, pointing towards the green colt who was not rolling on the floor with a brain-freeze.

Mrs. Cake, finally having managed to swallow what was in her mouth, took a sip from a glass of water offered by Pinkie and placed a hoof about Lyra's withers. "I told you that you'd be a great mother someday. I will be very surprised and disappointed if you prove me wrong."

Lyra nuzzled the chubby mare's cheek. "Don't worry about a thing. Mrs. Cake. I will give up my life for him, if necessary."

"That's our Lyra," the blue pony chuckled and embraced Lyra and tight hug. She was much stronger than she looked, and Lyra found herself gasping for air. "Whoops, sorry there."

The good doctor was too happy to be upset.
> -63- Mama was in the Bedroom
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There is no way those can be real," Bon Bon gaped as she covered Twist's eyes.

Lyra, who was doing the same with Henry, nodded and made a face. "The largest I've ever seen on a mare would be Milky's, and they would barely make a B-cup on a human. But... that's just grotesque. If it is natural, she'll want to see a doctor about a reduction. She'll be in a wheelchair before long if she doesn't."

"Maybe it's one of those inflatable implants I've heard about," Noteworthy commented in a lost tone as he stared wide-eyed at the mare passing in the distance. It was almost impossible to take his eyes off of what he was seeing. Then his face was forced to turn by a tender hoof until he was nose-to-nose with Bon Bon. He smiled nervously. "uh, oops. Sorry, love."

She just rolled her eyes and kissed his nose. "Com'on big guy, as if I'd be upset with you for just looking at a mare. Besides, if she wants to parade about like a freak, than she deserves to be stared at like one. Let's just hope it doesn't become the hottest trend in Canterlot. Like, remember that ginger root craze? Poor Rarity, couldn't sit down for a whole week."

"It does tend to become a little messed up here every now and then," Lyra commented as she uncovered her colt's eyes once the odd mare had walked out of sight. "The last time I saw something like that was in a rather indecent binder. Not telling you who drew them, but, it made that mare, just now, look quite petite."

"That is why I have no desire to do any kind of job that requires talking with strangers about their private lives everyday," Bon Bon replied with a shudder at the thought of what Lyra might have seen and heard during her time in that office of hers. "Give me a few zombies and an insane cult of vampire necromancers any day. Until then, I'll be a happy little candy-making housewife."

"One of the many things you just get used to," Lyra shrugged, as she began to trot off ahead of the herd in search of a carriage. Her herd. That was still something she was getting used too. Not to mention it was only yesterday she'd signed the contract.

Yes, indeed, this was the very next day after Pinkie's cleverly planned event. Despite Lyra really  wanting to move straight towards "dessert", and Noteworthy being okay with that, Bon Bon had insisted that they meet with Lyra's family first. Whether or not they received their blessing for the union, was beside the point. It was just the proper thing to do before she let her stallion sleep in the new wife's bed.

Though, despite the nature of the visit to Canterlot, both the mint mare and her new son were quite excited.

Well, Henry didn't really seem to know what was going on, as he was too excited about riding a train for the first time in his life and seeing someplace new. It was incredibly exhausting just watching him run about the car, trying to explore every nook and cranny, while at the same time looking out the windows at the passing world. But, despite his energy, Lyra always seemed close by in case she was needed. And to give death glares and threats to anyone who dared badmouth her little boy. He wasn't really bothering anyone, hardly noticed them actually, was more interested in the bolts and panels that held the locomotive together.

It was nearly evening by the time they had arrived at a large mansion surrounded by a high brick wall with an iron gate. No pony was at the gate to unlock for them, but Lyra, after stepping carefully from the carriage that brought them there, kept on approaching at a steady pace, her smile broad.

"Uh, Lyra," Noteworthy called out to her urgently, "You're about to walk into..."

The gate swung for Lyra, who turned about and smirked at them all. "Don't worry about it, it recognizes me. Now, get your plots over here before it closes."

The front door to the mansion was rather ominous, compared to the rest of the brightly colored Canterlot dwelling. Aged dark oak with textured iron fixtures and a large knocker in the shape of an angry mare greeted them all. Twist scooted behind Henry at the sight of that scowling figure.

"Hey, Notes, think you could knock for me?" Lyra asked with a meaningful gesture.

"Don't you have a key to your family house?" he asked her in return.

She nodded and tapped her horn. "Yeah. But the doctor says I can't use magic for a little while yet."

"Unicorns," the stallion muttered as he stepped up and grabbed the knocker. It banged so loud it startled everyone, except Lyra, and it's echoes resounded inside the house.

"Well, that should have alerted someone, don't you think?" Bon Bon exclaimed with a mild cough of shock.

Sure enough, she was right.

"Go away. We don't want any magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, salesponies, solicitors, gold diggers, Jehovah's Witnesses, politicians, nobility, third-party representatives, elder gods, or traveling minstrels," a voice shouted from inside, accompanying the sound of stomping hooves. "Unless you've got a Fisher-Price seal of approval, have an invitation with you, are a princess, or direct representative thereof, or are selling filly-scout cookies, you had better be gone by the time I open this door."

Not really given enough time to get off the property, the door swung open to reveal an irate earth pony mare in a maid uniform. The foals quickly ducked behind Noteworthy, as he was the largest of the adults. Then the mare's eyes landed upon the unicorn.

"Young Mistress Lyra?" she gasped, her scowl turning into a big grin. She lunged forward and hugged her. "Oh, it's been so long since you've been home. You parents will be so happy to see you back. Now, stop standing out in the cold. You could have just used your key, you know. there was no reason for you and your friends to wait for me."

"Actually there is, Bouncing Betty" Lyra said as she and her herd walked past the threshold and into the main hall of the mansion. She pointed towards her horn. "I kind of overexerted myself a week or so ago, and I'm not supposed to use magic for a little while longer."

The maid gasped and looked at her pityingly. "Ah. But you are so good with magic. It must be awful."

"Well, eating pie is a little messier," Lyra commented with a shrug. "But, other than that, I've been handling it just fine."

"If you say so, dear," the mare said turning to head up the large flight of stairs directly across from the door. "I shall inform the master and mistress at once, and then fetch you some honey and tea. Would your guests like anything?"

"Oh, no," Noteworthy said, shaking his head. "We don't need anything."

"No need to trouble yourself," Bon Bon agreed with a quick nod.

Lyra was not of the same mind. "Don't listen to them, Betty. Just get whatever you think is good."

"A wise choice, young mistress."

"Um, thank you," Bon Bon said, after the maid had vanished to the upstairs. "We didn't want to offend her by asking for anything... well, common."

"She'd gladly whip you up a couple cheeseburgers(1) if you asked," Lyra chuckled and rolled her eyes as she took a seat upon the floor and inhaled deeply through her nose. "Ah. It feels good to be back here."

"Um, while we're waiting," Noteworthy began, clearing his throat and taking a seat beside the good doctor. "I've only really read about your parents' background and stuff. We don't know what they're really like. So, would you mind telling us what to expect?"

Lyra smiled and held up a hoof as she twisted and ear about. "Well, mama's like this..."

"My baby's home," a voice cried loudly from the balcony above.

All eyes turned in time to see a female thestral leap over the railing and glide straight for Lyra. Upon collision, both mares rolled across the floor in tight hug, squealing for joy all the way. The thestral kissed the unicorn's face enough times to make a hundred colts gag and cry cooties.

"Oh, it's been so, long," the older mare cried as she picked herself up off the floor and began dusting herself off, not even noticing the looks the other ponies were giving her. Though, it wasn't because she was a bat pony. "Your last letter was about a month ago. It's taken all I've got to keep your papa from rushing off to Ponyville in search of you. What gives, Lyra?"

Lyra too was staring at her mother. "Before I answer that, mama. Why are you wearing a leash? And what's with all the... rope."

"It's called 'shibari', dear."


*	*	*


(1) Vegetarian for herbivores, and a beef substitute for carnivores.
> -64- A Little Sweetness
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Please, tell me you took a shower," Lyra spoke into the hoof she was pressing against her face with a groan.

The thestral mare rolled her eyes. "We didn't even get started, Lyra. This was all just preparation. The ropes are still a little lose even."

Lyra gave a long-suffering sigh of defeat. "Where's papa?"

"Taking care of something really quick," the mare said with a shrug as she began to remove the leash and slip out of the ropes. She giggled at the face her daughter gave. "Yes?"

"Mama, there are children present," Lyra cried out in exasperation. Which then descended into a small fit of coughing. Her mother was quickly by her side, patting her back as she tried to shake the rest of the rope off of her hoof. "I'm okay, mama. Just need some rest is all. Oof."

Henry was quick to make himself known. He had dashed forward and hugged the unicorn as though physical contact would help her. It probably did.

The thestral was surprised at first. Then she chuckled and scooped him up in her hooves and nuzzled his face. "Well. Aren't you precious? What's you're name, little one?"

"H-Henry M-M-Mindell," the colt stuttered as he looked into the mare's mouth and seeing her sizable fangs. He swallowed and tried to be brave. "A-and I'm not little."

The mare threw her head back and laughed before nuzzling him again. "Of course your not. You're a big, strong stallion. Gonna have a great big herd someday, aren't you?"

Henry, not really knowing what else to say, nodded. "I guess?"

This caused her to burst out laughing again and nuzzle his cheeks softly. With that, she turned to the mare and stallion who had remained silent since she had appeared. "Hello there. Is this one yours?"

"Kind of," said Bon Bon, offering a nervous smile, whilst Noteworthy nodded and said, "Yep."

"Well, which is it?" Mama asked, tilting her head in confusion.

"Actually, mama," Lyra began, reach out and taking Henry from her grasp and holding him up so that he was at eye level. Almost nose-to-nose with the winged creature. "Say hello your grandson, mama. Henry, this is your grandma, Mercury Melody."

Mercury gasped and stared at the colt being held before her with a new understanding. Her eyes slowly began to water as she reached out to hold him again. "My... my grandson? Lyra... wh-when?"

"Just yesterday, really," Lyra said watching her mother interact with her son. Henry seemed to be getting a little emotional as well, reaching out with a hoof to trace along the thestral's muzzle. "Right after I... joined that nice little herd I've been writing to you about these past few years."

The mare's ears perked up at that, but she didn't take her eyes off of the colt she held so tenderly. "Oh? About time, dear. Honestly, I'm a little disappoint you didn't make the jump sooner. You were well on your way to become an old maid with all your secrets and fears."

Lyra sighed and stepped up to lean against her, a warm leathery wing was quickly wrapped about her side. "I already found out yesterday how much time I wasted worrying over nothing. It hurt... a lot."

Mercury gave her daughter a squeeze with her wing. "I figured as much."

"So," Lyra said, looking at Henry. "What do think?"

"He's perfect," her mother responded, breath hitching slightly. "I was beginning to grow worried you'd never give me any grandchildren. Henry? That's a human name isn't it? You adopted a human."

Lyra nodded. "Yeah. An aligned. Just like me."

Mercury chuckled and shook her head. "What are the odds?"

Henry, having been silent this whole time, decided it was time to be heard. "Are you really my grandma?"

Mercury nodded, sniffinf and nuzzling him. "Forever and always."

"So, I can call you grandma then?" he asked, rather nervously.

"As if I would allow you to call me anything else."
> -65- Parental Mysteries
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling a little envious of the attention Henry was getting, Twist decided to reveal herself. She quickly found herself smooshed up against the colt in the thestral's kind embrace. The mare in question seemed to have tipped over the edge with happiness as she snuggled her two grandchildren while crying for joy.

"Lyra, did you break your mother, again?"

An excited expression spread across the unicorn's face as she looked up at the balcony, where there stood the stallion of the house. Even from a distance, this thestral appeared quite large. He stared down at the group with a stern expression that bade no nonsense from anyone.

Lyra waved energetically at him with a giggle. "Hello, papa. I'm home."

He nodded with a low chuckle. "So I see."

Mercury rolled her eyes and spun around to address her husband. "Oh, shove the act, Bass Butt and come greet your grandchildren."

It was like someone switched his serious switch to "ecstatic". He was over the railing in a flash and nuzzling the foals whilst making excited sounds. Lyra grinned at Noteworthy and Bon Bon, who stood very still, observing the new grandparents' interactions.

"Told you they'd love them," she said proudly. "Don't worry about papa. He only uses the 'too-serious-for-life' act when there are strangers in the house. You should see how it affects the new maids they get every now and then."

The two grandparents eventually ceased their loving assault and turned to face the earth ponies, with Mercury holding Henry and the stallion holding Twist. The two foals, manes rather disheveled and appearing deeply confused yet satisfied with the attention they had been given, giggled almost drunkenly.

"What happened?" Twist asked, looking over at Henry. He hiccupped.

"I don't know," he said, hiccupping again. "But I really hope it happens again."

"Maybe later, dear," Mercury said, kissing his head. Which caused him to make face. This only encouraged her to do it again. "Well now. How do some refreshing treats sound?"

As if on queue, Bouncing Betty appeared, flanked by two other maids, manes and tails tied up in elegant buns with fresh uniforms. "Already taken care of, mistress. If you would follow me, we will have you all seated and provided for without any unnecessary delay."

The two thestrals quickly slipped their respective foals upon their backs, though Lyra protested, and then bid the two earth ponies "follow". Lyra just sighed and held Twist close from her forced perch upon her father's back.

"I'm Baritone Bugler, by the way," the stallion said to the couple with a toothy smile.

"Uh, Noteworthy," the blue stallion responded.

"I am Bon Bon," the mare inclined her head politely.

"Pleasure to finally meet you both," he chuckled oddly.

It is well documented that thestrals have a fondness for red meat cooked extra-rare. But, it was also a well documented fact that ponies with more delicate constitutions, namely foals, would find themselves sick from observing such eating habits. So, rather than having to deal with a couple of distraught foals, Bouncing Betty had saw to it that a sugar-spiced ham was served instead.

About the small table, the seating was thus. The two thestrals sat on one side, their grandchildren upon their laps, with Lyra pressed between them. Noteworthy and Bon Bon sat opposite them all, feeling a little out of place in the grand dining room, with maids to tend to their requests. It was really the pegasus maids that almost tipped them over the edge, as they quite literally hovered close by, awaiting direction.

The two earth ponies were almost at a loss as to what they should do, as the maids had also set out an inordinately large collection of tasty delicacies. Lyra and the foals, however were quick to reach in and grab what ever was closest. At least, that is, Lyra tried.

Bouncing pushed away the plate of confections she had stacked up and shook her head warningly. "Your tea and honey, first, young mistress. We must keep you strong." She set down a decently sized cup of hot tea, and a plate, upon which sat a large chunk of honeycomb. "Finish these, then you can enjoy the rest of the meal."

Lyra sighed, but smiled, nodding gratefully. "Thank you, Betty. That will be all for now."

The two grandparents watched with some concern as their daughter awkwardly lifted the teat cup in her bare hooves before taking a sip. The honeycomb, however, almost made them laugh. The hot tea had warmed up her hooves, thus melting the honey in the comb so that it dribbled down her legs, as she bit into it. She was a sticky mess by the time she was done.

Mercury Melody was fast to wipe her clean with a cloth napkin. "Stop fidgeting, Lyra. I will not have this drying in your lovely fur. Oh my word, why must you act like a little filly."

"Because your embarrassing me in front of my son and my herd," Lyra responded in protest.

Bouncing Betty and the other maids gasped in shock, but professionally held their tongues. They had not been there when Lyra made the announcement.

"That's what herds are for," her mother returned with a grunt as she finally managed to removed the last of the sticky goodness. "The more you're embarrassed, the more they'll love you."

"It really is about time she settled," Baritone stated with a nod. "Don't get me wrong, a mare should be free to make her own choices in life. Have adventures and whatnot. But, it's so tiresome to think that all she does all day long is sit in a office and then come home to a bed just big enough for herself so she can sleep, alone. Not exactly the high life."

"Trust me," Bon Bon said with a shake of her head. "Lyra's single life was anything but boring."

Mercury chuckled. "I believe it. I'll be sure to show you the family albums tomorrow. But, Lyra's always wanted a family of her own. The letters she would send us were very detailed in regards to you two."

"Don't you dare show them those," Lyra cried out, face burning red.

"Are you planning on keeping secrets from your own herd?" her mother asked, giving her a look. "I mean, just imagine the night you'll have with that fine stallion if he were read that one you sent us last year."

Lyra looked down between her hooves and then let out a low whine. "I-I suppose. But I'd better be there. T-t-to make sure you don't blow it out of proportion or anything."

"Have you two been together yet?" Baritone bluntly asked the stallion across from him. He seemed to smile at the stallion's discomfort.

"N-not yet, sir. My first wife thought it would be a good idea to see where we stood with your family first." Why was he getting so nervous? He had been up against things that appeared much more terrifying than Equestria's equivalent to a bloodthirsty vampire. But this stallion just seemed absolutely menacing.

"Well," the stallion thought a bit, then shrugged, "I'm fine with it. How about you, Melody?"

Mercury smiled and nodded vigorously. "We have plenty of rooms available for you first night together. Don't worry about being passionate, the maids are used to cleaning stuff up."

One of the maids made a gagging sound. This earned her a swat from Bouncing Betty who gave her a venomous glare.

"I do hope you won't be too lonely without him tonight, dear," Melody continued, looking at Bon Bon. "Though, we could put you in the same room as Henry and Twist. That way you can keep an eye on them."

"I suppose that would be a good idea," Bon Bon said, noticing her husband's apprehension. He had good instincts, so she knew something was off. "But, I must say, you're taking this better than we thought you would."

The thestrals rolled their eyes and sighed.

"Our Lyra may seem a little naïve," Baritone began, "but she would never make a rash, ill-informed decision. She'll take weeks pondering over something before coming up with the best solution. If she thought you were, in any way, a bad influence, she never would have stayed with you for as long as she has."

Mercury nodded in agreement. "Not to mention we've done some checking of our own."

"You what?" Lyra asked, giving her mother a shocked expression. She received a kiss between the eyes. Her cross-eyed stare made the two foals laugh.

"As if we would let our sweet little filly go and live with some strangers without giving them a thorough background check." Mercury turned back to the earth ponies with an ominous wink. "What we found was very reassuring. We're certain our baby's in good hooves."

"Well, they did make me sign a pre-nup," Lyra groused, mildly miffed.

"Even better," Baritone sagely nodded. "You may not realize it, Lyra. But that's one of the best protections you can get in life. Because, believe it or not, there are people out there who'll make it their life mission to ruin and break apart your happy little herd. Even if they have little to nothing to gain from it."

With that last piece of wisdom, thoughtful silence fell over the meal.
> -66- Mad Maid Made Matters Memorable
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, this was simply delightful," Mercury cooed as she gently rubbed the distended belly of the colt in her lap. He let out a contented sigh and snuggled against her stomach. "I do believe it's someone's bedtime."

Twist let out a yawn from her place in Baritone's lap.

"Make that a couple of ponies," Mercury chuckled.

Lyra softly reached over and pulled Henry away from her mother, who was reluctant to let him go. "It seems like, doesn't it? But, no. Bon Bon had him checked out a couple weeks ago and they found he suffers from chronic insomnia. Bon Bon and I have been taking turns staying up with him."

"Ah, that's not fun," Mercury said, stroking his mane. "Doesn't like being alone either, I take it?"

Lyra nodded. "We try our best. More than a couple time I've just woken up to find that I'd fallen asleep beside his bed."

"I'll stay up with him tonight," the thestral mare stated with a fond grin.

"But, Bon Bon's going to be with them tonight."

Mercury pouted. "That doesn't mean I can't cuddle him until he falls asleep, right?"

"I won't mind," Henry said with a giggle. "She's nice."

"But, Bon Bon..."

"I wouldn't mind either," Bon Bon said with a smile plastered on her face. "It'll give me a chance to... talk with your mother."

"But..."

"Are you really trying to keep me from bonding with my grandson?" her mother's pout was now accompanied by sad puppy-dog eyes. How was she doing that? She thought only little fillies and Fluttershy had that power.

"N-no, of course n-not," Lyra stuttered before the power of those manipulative pupils. "I was just a little concerned, mama. I remember, when you adopted me, I almost literally drowned in the gifts."

The two thestrals' cheeks turned red in embarrassment. "Ah, yes. That was a very dumb thing we did. I never once imagined a little filly would ever beg us to get rid of all her fancy clothes, jewelry, plushies, and other little treasures."

"We wound up donating most of it to multiple orphanages around Equestria," Baritone explained with a chuckle. "From then on, we were much more reasonable in our gift giving. Just three or four small things every now and again."

Bon Bon couldn't help but laugh. Then she kicked Noteworthy to get him to respond as well.

"This has been a wonderful evening," Mercury said stretching out her wings with a contented sigh. "But, alas, there are a few things that need to be done. Lyra, why don't you take these little angels to the family bath and get them cleaned up before bed. Make yourself look pretty for tonight as well."

"Mama!" Lyra cried, blushing somewhat fierce.

"Now-now, Lyra," Mercury chided her. "The first night is very important. Now get along, Marmalade Spread and Syrup Sweet shall accompany you. And don't worry about a thing, after your father and I are done talking with you herd, I'll make sure to give you some good advice."

Lyra sighed in defeat and pushed herself away from the table. The two maids whose names had been called gathered up the foals with a couple of kind smiles and trotted after the unicorn at a reasonable pace. After they were gone, the two thestrals took on a more serious demeanor.

"Bouncing Betty?"

"Here, mistress," the mare answered, inclining her head respectively.

"See to it we are not disturbed," the thestral mare ordered. "Now, do attend to your duties ladies, we'll be sure to call if need be."

Bouncing Betty pulled a small cast-iron frying pan from her mane and brandished it at the other maids. "You hear that? I catch any of you listening in on the master's and mistress's meeting and you'll wake up to find yourself on the Frontier. You got that?"

The newer maids gulped and gave the mare a wide berth as they hastily departed, while the more experienced ones just rolled their eyes and left with graceful steps. The last to leave was Betty, who closed the doors behind her with a loud "thump", and then proceeded to lock it.

"Well now," Baritone began, taking a deep breath as he stared across at the two unsettled earth ponies. "Don't be scared. We have need of your help once again, agents Sweetie Drops and Noteworthy. There is trouble."

Mercury leaned in close to her husband allowing him to throw a comforting wing about her barrel.

"And it involves our baby."
> -67- The Meeting of the Dicordantly Honest Agents
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yes, we know who you are," Mercury said as she watched the two earth ponies stare at her in shock, while at the same time trying to hide the fact that they were reaching for the sharper silverware. Gold, actually. "There's no need for violence. This is in the interest of the Princesses' Sovereign Nation of Equestria. As members of Their Majesties' Security Council, we order you to behave like civilized ponies whilst within our home."

The two ponies froze. Neither spoke for a moment, then Noteworthy stuttered. "Th-th-the T-T-TMS-SC? I mean, the TMSC. As in the highest ranking branch of national security?"

"The very same," Mercury stated, noting, with some satisfaction, that their hooves were slowly moving away from the utensils.

"How can you prove this to us?" Bon Bon asked, still ready to spring into action. "It's going to take more than words or papers."

"Let's suppose for a minute, that we are lying," Baritone said with a smirk. "Would have attacked and killed your herdsister's parents. Or, to you, Noteworthy, would you have done the same?"

The two earth ponies looked aside.

"No," Bon Bon shook her head in defeat. "A few threats and demonstration, perhaps. But... I-I could never bring myself to hurt Lyra like that."

"Of course not," Noteworthy lowered his head. "We're not monsters like those 'secret agents' they're always showing on television." He made air quotes for "secret agents". All the other ponies nodded in agreement and rolled their eyes. Really, there were things even a banana republic would find distasteful.

"Good," Mercury sighed in relief, "we'd hate to have had to forcefully subdue you. Now, as for proof..."

She and Baritone each took a deep breath and then released it at the same time. Even though they appeared to be shrieking, there was no sound. Not any that the earth ponies could have heard anyway. Then, it seemed as though were done shrieking, and were now singing a duet of some kind. What beautiful melody could it have been, if only they had the ears of a thestral?

When the finished they each gave a smirk. Then there was a flash of light and a rather reluctant being appeared, groaning in displeasure.

"Oh, what is it now? I was in the middle of deleting my internet history. Never realized how backed up this thing was. It's taken nearly an hour just to remove the microwaved marshmallow peeps."

All four ponies stared at the draconequus with varying degrees of annoyance. But, there was something odd about him this time.

"Why are you wearing a blindfold, Discord?" Bon Bon asked incredulously.

The masked creature turned to look at her and pointed towards the two thestrals just as easily as if his eyes were uncovered. "Because, candybutt, the last time these two called on me, was in the middle of one of their roleplaying activities. They wanted me to make things more authentic for them."

"That's not the point of this meeting," Mercury rolled her eyes and flicked a dismissive hoof. "Besides, what you created was really a cheesy mood killer if anything. The volcanoes aren't supposed to erupt with salsa, or be made of tortilla chips. Anyway, we need you to prove to these two that we are members of the TMSC."

"Of course you would turn your nose up at originality." Discord sighed, tossing away the mask, which turned into a bat and flew into the rafters, then snapped his fingers. "Fine. Here's the Element of Honesty."

"What in tarnation? How'd I get 'ere?" a rather disheveled Applejack asked, appeared upon the tabletop. Then she saw the thestrals. "Darn it. You two again? Alright, fine. Who do I 'ave to convince this time?"

Baritone and Mercury indicated the other earth ponies. Applejack didn't seem the least bit surprised. "Ugh. So it's you two this time? Oh, Maker above. Why? Yes, these two are part of Their Majesties' Security Council. Can I go now?"

"Of course," Mercury nodded gratefully. "Discord?"

Discord looked up from a tablet he was fiddling with and rolled his eyes. "Fine."

With another snap of his fingers, the apple farmer was gone.

"You may take your leave as well."

"If you need anything else, please hesitate to ask," the bitter god of chaos grunted before vanishing in cloud of powdered sugar. Because reasons.


*	*	*


Applejack sat bolt upright in bed, gasping for breath. She looked about, finding herself back in her room. "Consarn it. That's the third time this month I've 'ad that weird dream. Gonna 'ave to ask Twilight to send a letter to Princess Luna to 'elp me figure this one out."

With that, she fluffed up her pillow, nestled into it, and fell into a fitful sleep.


*	*	*


In the mean time...

"Alright, I'm convinced," Noteworthy said, his wife nodding as well. Never before had they thought it would take both Discord and the Element of Honesty to convince them of something. "W-what do need from us?"

"To answer that," Baritone began, "I must first tell you something that the portals to the human world didn't close naturally. Someone closed them."

The earth ponies were greatly alarmed. Bon Bon quickly sought to find out more.

"So, the humans from earth finally discovered it and found a way to shut it down?" she asked.

The thestrals shook their heads.

"No," Mercury said with a shake of her head. Her expression was becoming rather dark. "Believe it or not, please don't make us call on Discord again, we did have a few contacts on earth, here and there. They never reported anything that might allude to them even becoming aware the portals ever existed, before we were cut off from them entirely. No, the rips in the fabric of space and time were closed by the very same person, or persons, who opened them in the first place nearly a hundred years ago. Right here, somewhere, in Equestria."

"Which brings us to how this involves Lyra," Baritone spoke took his turn. He cleared his throat before proceeding. "I'm sure you've heard that there are only nine aligned known to have existed, correct?" The couple nodded. "This is a lie. There have been many. We were just fortunate enough to find nine of them before this... monster... could get a hold of them."
> -68- Bubbles and Beatdowns
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The family bath was just that. A bath big enough for a family. It was almost more of a private spa. The maids were quick to make things comfortable and fun for the family. Such as, per Henry's request, bubbles. Lots and lots of bubbles.

And everyone was happy with that. Marmalade Spread, a yellow unicorn with a silver mane,  laughed as she poured the bubble solution into the water, and Syrup Sweet, a pegasus of multiple shades of brown, churned the water with a breeze from her wings. Soon there was a thick layer of bubbles across the surface of the water.

"Is that better, young master?" Marmalade inquired of Henry, who nodded shyly at her. She chuckled and looked at the other two. "You picked yourself a cute one, Mistress Lyra."

Lyra nodded, ruffling her son's mane. "Of course I did. Only the most adorable."

"I'm not cute," Henry pouted irritably.

"Don't be tho grumpy," Twist giggled as she grabbed him about the barrel and dove into the water with a great splash. Water and bubbles flew everywhere as they vanished beneath the surface.

A moment later the two foals surfaced and began splashing each other as they giggled uproariously. Lyra and the attending maids all laughed at the silly sight. The mint unicorn was quick to join them as the maids sat by their cleaning supplies and waited for the bathers to properly soak up the warm water.


*	*	*


"Does Lyra know?" Noteworthy asked in concern.

"The truth about the aligned? No," Mercury answered with a firm shake of her head. "And she won't ever need to. We have a one hundred percent survival rate of all aligned we've managed to gather so far. And since the portals have closed, it must mean that they have collected all the aligned that they wanted. The one's we couldn't find. But, we will not let down our guard. Especially since she is now close to another aligned. We are not going to take any unnecessary chances with their lives."

"So you are doing this to protect them."

"We are doing this because we love them," Mercury returned with a sniff. "Protection is merely an accepted part of our parental duties to both her and our grandson." She took a deep breath and let it out as if she were trying to remain calm. "As she is now part of your herd, we expect the same dedication from you as well. Understood?"

"She was always a part of our herd," Noteworthy stated confidentially. "It was only just made official yesterday."

Both thestrals smiled and nodded their approval. Baritone spoke up. "That's what I wanted to hear, colt. Now..."

"AHA!"

CLANG!

All eyes turned towards a portion of the wall. There must have been a servant's passage there.

"Found one, master," the voice of Bouncing Betty was heard. "It was one of the new girls. Pity, she was a hard worker too."

"Give her her week's pay and send her off," Baritone answered with a sigh. Then he noticed the looks on the earth ponies' faces. "Don't worry. If she has the guts to come back and apologize, she'll be hired back on again. We get these mares ever now and again. looking for some piece of gossip to sell. The joys of being rich."

"I see," Bon Bon responded, noting the ominous dragging sound behind the wall. "But, what about her?"

"Bouncing Betty?" Mercury asked with a chuckle. "No need to worry, she's been helping us protect Lyra since her adoption. An old friend of ours from our earlier days in the agency."

It was then that the thestral mare checked a clock on the far wall in alarm. "Now. We've discussed this long enough. I don't want the rest of our family getting suspicious. Bon Bon, we shall talk more tonight, after I cuddle my grandson to sleep, of course." She chuckled fondly at that thought. "You and I should join them in the bath before too long, there's plenty of room, and the maids will gladly help clean you up."

Bon Bon smiled gratefully. "Oh, thank you. After all this talk, I could use a relaxing soak, and perhaps a good brushing through my mane and fur."

"Consider it done," Mercury said resolutely. "And a good massage afterwards would not go amiss." Then she turned to Noteworthy with a smirk. "As for you, there's a separate bath in which a couple of our maids will help make you presentable for our daughter, tonight. I'm only separating you two for a little while longer, it'll make the night much more intimate. You'll see."

The stallion found himself blushing at the mare's bluntness.

"Will you be joining us as well, dear?" Mercury turned to her husband, who shook his head.

"While I would love nothing more than to spend quality time with my family," he began, giving her a kiss on the cheek, "I have some messages and orders to send out."

Slightly disappointed Mercury nodded in understanding. Then she turned a seductive eye upon him. "Very well, Baritone. But, let's be sure to pick up where we left off before we were interrupted earlier this evening, okay?"

He chuckled deeply. "Of course."

And with that, they left the dining room.

As for the unconscious maid, she would eventually return and beg to have her position back. And from then on, she would become as stalwart and dedicated as Bouncing Betty. Though a little friendly with the single stallions that came for an audience with the master and mistress. Thankfully, Bouncing Betty was always there to make sure she didn't carry things too far. After all, they had a reputation to uphold.
> -69- Dear Brother...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently Mercury Melody adored bubble baths. The moment she had stepped into the room, she let out a shriek of glee and dove in. This led to a playful bubble fight with the foals, then they sculpted each other funny hats and beards. They had almost sculpted a full pirate crew before the maids insisted on readying the foals for bed.

"Aw, we'll play some more tomorrow," Mercury pouted as the two mares began rubbing shampoos into the foals' manes. She then turned her attention to her daughter, who had Bon Bon doing something similar to her mane. "Mind if I join you girls? It seems my maids have revolted."

"It is what you pay us for, mistress," Marmalade Spread responded as she made sure not to get any shampoo in the colt's eyes. "You may be nocturnal, but these foals can hardly claim as much."

"They're right," the thestral sighed with a shrug as she turned her attention to her daughter's tails, applying some scented conditioner. "Good mares, really. Take their job description seriously and are paid well as a result."

Bon Bon watched as her daughter, much to the delight of the maid, helped rub the suds into her curls. Henry, however, just seemed a little confused and nervous at this sort of treatment. Odd, but she supposed it was a human thing. After all, bathing was a social thing to ponies, and she had helped him bathe during his earlier days in their household. Until he learned to do it himself, then he insisted on bathing alone. She had just accepted it. But, now, he was a member of the herd. There were bound to be a few more changes he would have to adjust to.

"How did you raise Lyra if you're nocturnal?" she found herself asking after turning back to the task at hoof. It was Lyra's big night, so she was getting a lot of attention to detail.

"Lots of love, will power, determination, and enough coffee to sink a battleship," the mare responded with a giggle. Then she got a faraway look in her eyes. "She and her brother were such delights when they ran throughout the manor, playing games and hunting bogeys. Speaking of which..."

"Already have somepony on it, mistress," Syrup Sweet spoke up from washing the shampoo from the filly's mane. "We'll have none of those slimy ruffians in this house."

The satisfied the thestral.

"Her brother?" Bon Bon asked, thinking back. "Oh, yes. I remember reading about the... incident during the background check." She noted Lyra's slightly deflated expression. "Would you care to tell me about him?"

Lyra sniffed and nodded. "He and I crossed over together. We appeared right in the middle of the street, here in Canterlot. You can imagine the panic."

Mercury sighed, shaking her head, but had a hint of smile. "Somehow, Peter, her brother, managed to recognize her in her new form and beat off the law enforcement who were just trying to reassure them they were safe. Using the wheel of a carriage that had come off when the driver swerved really sharp to avoid them."

Bon Bon tilted her head to the side. "Recognized her? But, I thought that the aligned were erased from their world."

"We are," Lyra said reaching up and wiping away some shampoo that threatened to fall on her face when Bon Bon stopped to talk. "However, my brother traveled with me through the portal, so he wasn't on earth when my fact was torn away."

Her mother sighed wearily. She loved the girl, really she did. But, she really could be hard to communicate with at times. Bon Bon looked like her brain was about to snap in half.

"What?" the earth pony asked timidly, fearful of hearing another explanation, but too curious to help herself.

"My fact," Lyra said carefully. "Like, I'm here, that's a fact. You memories and experiences with me, that's another aspect of my fact. It's the impression I leave on space and time. It's the part of me that got dragged along for the ride, leaving time to heal over itself and write me out of the picture, permanently."

"That's... better?" Bon Bon responded after a moment. "So, he didn't forget you because...?"

"Eye of the storm, Bonny," Lyra answered with a sigh. "Though he wasn't completely unaffected. The reason he recognized me was because his memories about me changed. partially anyone. And there were things he forgot. Didn't get away totally unscathed."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Having a brother with his brain partially fried was better than having no brother at all." Lyra managed a chuckle at that. "He was always there for me while he was alive."

Mercury gave her daughter a tight squeeze and kissed her cheek. "He would be so proud of you, Lyra."

Bon Bon joined in on the hug. "Just like we all are."

Some time later, the foals had been properly cleaned up and prepared for bedtime. Mercury and Bon Bon as well had cleaned up nicely, and the massages the maids gave them afterwards had almost made the earth pony pass out. Lyra on the other hoof, was a nervous wreck, so much so that it took both maids and Bon Bon's earth pony strength the massage the tension from her muscles. It took a while, but, Lyra was finally ready. Mostly, that is.

"Now, as I promised," Mercury began, bouncing her brow and leaning in close to her daughter's ear after making sure the foals were out of earshot, "I am going to give you some advice that will make your first experience so much more amazing."

Lyra gulped. She was almost positive that, by the end, she'd need another massage before joining Noteworthy tonight.
> -70- Goodnight, Goodnight and Goodnight
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now, tonight is our baby's first time," Mercury said through bared teeth at the nervous blue stallion. Her husband, who had taken time away from his job stood beside her, his fangs bared as well. "And we just want to be sure you'll be very gentle with her."

Noteworthy gulped and took a step back. "Why does this reminds of when I met Bon Bon's parents?"

"We're not trying to frighten you," the mare said in a more gentle tone, but kept her teeth bared. "But, we are looking out for Lyra's interests. And, if my Baritone's any indication, stallions can get rather carried away when in the throws of passion. A good thing actually." Here she started to smile and titter a bit. "Makes for some of the best romps." She became serious again. "But, my baby is going to be nervous and scared. So, you'll do your upmost best to control yourself. Right?"

Noteworthy nodded quickly as the thestral bumped noses with him. "Yes, ma'am."

"If she's says 'stop', you'll stop. Right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And you'll both have fun. Right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Wait. What?" The poor stallion was confused.

The mare giggled and kissed his cheek fondly. "Love's not a one-way street, kiddo. Make sure you have a good time as well." The slight blush on his confused face pleased her. "As my son-in-law, I am looking out for your interests as well." She leaned in close as if she were telling him a secret. "I've already got the girl worked up like a torqued spring, just waiting to unwind itself for you."

Noteworthy had no idea how to respond to that.

"My, the colt's at a loss for words," the mare snickered smugly. "Well, let's not keep him in suspense any longer, Baritone. Call Lyra so that... Baritone? No. We are not playing the over-protective father game."

"But I've been waiting years to scare a colt out of his wits," the other thestral protested.

"No," Mercury repeated with a scowl, poking his chest sharply. "That's one of the lowest and most over-used tropes in the book. We will not demean ourselves to such a standard. Understand me, mister?"

Baritone deflated with a sigh. "Fine, dear. But, just for the record, this could have been my only chance."

"Good," Mercury harrumphed indignantly. "Now, let's not keep these two lovers apart any longer."

Moments later the door to the bath opened and Noteworthy's jaw nearly hit the floor. In walked a mint unicorn, her silky mane flowing down her neck in perfect ripples, her fur gleaming in the light, hooves finely filed and polished to a bright sheen, the grooves of her horn were expertly filed as well (unicorn horns continually grow), and a miniscule amount of makeup had been applied to bring out her finest features. The mare herself was stunned at the sight earth pony stallion before her as well.

The maids had shown no mercy to him, ensuring there was not a spot of dirt anywhere on him, and ignoring his protests as they ran through a series of manes and tail stylings until they arrived at his current smoothed over look. They hadn't even let him brush his teeth by himself, and his mouth felt like it had almost been rubbed raw by that sadistic toothbrush. Thankfully, they decided to forgo any makeup, as that would only hide the ruggedness they all agreed was attractive.

Both ponies stared at each other for the longest time in silence. Then Lyra gave an excited cry and leapt forward embracing her stallion and nuzzling into his softened fur. "Oh, this is awesome, you look incredible, and you're so soft. It's like a layer of velveteen over those firm muscles of yours."

"You're beautiful," was all Noteworthy could say. This elicited a laugh from all the mares present. Lyra began to rub against his side, her soft fur actually generating static. Was she purring?

"We've prepared your old room for tonight, young mistress," Bouncing Betty, who was present, said with a knowing smile plastered on her face. "I felt it would be appropriate."

"You read my mind, Betty," Lyra said, flicking her tail under the stallion's chin seductively. However, on the inside she was a nervous wreck, but her mother had advised her to at least act bold. She was unsure how long she could keep up this act. It was taking every ounce of will power she had just to walk in a straight line. "Let me lead the way, Notes. It'll give you a nice view while I make sure you don't get lost."

"'A' for effort, 'C' for corny," mercury sighed under her breath. Really, her daughter was trying too hard to be sexy. It almost made her facehoof. But she still couldn't help but smile. Lyra was young and would eventually learn she didn't need to try so hard.

"Get going already, you two," Baritone groaned rolling his eyes and waving a dismissing hoof at them. "There's no need to hang around here anymore for our benefit."

Lyra blushed a bit in embarrassment and then, with a few quick goodnights, including a goodnight kiss for Henry, who just emerged from the bath as well, she led the lucky stallion off.

The little colt was confused. "Um, where are they going?"

Mercury bent down and nuzzled his mane. "Oh, just to have some private time together. Might not seen them for a couple days."

"Oh," Henry said, his ears drooping in disappointment as he rubbed a hoof where his mother had kissed him.

"Don't worry about being lonely tonight," his grandmother comforted him with a hug. "You'll be with me and your auntie tonight."

"Me, too," Twist called out indignantly. This profited a flurry of pleasant kisses on her face. She found it to be an acceptable offering.

"As if we'd leave you out," the thestral cooed, swiftly maneuvering both foals upon her back and holding them in place with her wings. "Now, how about we get you both some proper bedtime attire?"

Apparently the two grandparents had been preparing to host grandchildren for a quite while. Both Henry and Twist were slipped into silk pajamas just the right sizes for a colt and filly of their ages. While Henry questioned the need of sleepwear, as he had mostly been naked since his arrival. Twist, on the other hoof, was dancing about to show her mother.

"Yes, I see, Twister," Bon Bon chuckled as she too put on a cotton nightgown, which she had packed for herself from home.

A moment later, Henry found himself snuggled beside Twist on the softest bed either of them had ever touched and tucked in with equally incredible sheets and blankets. Twist had reached out and hugged him about his barrel and was proceeding to burry her nose in his neck. This made both the mares d'aaw, much to the colt's embarrassment.

"Red looks good on those cheeks of yours," Mercury teased, before kissed him between the eyes and encircling both the foals with her body. She looked over at Bon Bon, who was setting up a nightlight in one of the wall sockets. "Ah. One of them scared of the dark?"

"Henry ith," Twist piped up, making the colt blush even brighter.

"Sorry," he said, trying to hid behind his hooves.

"That's quite alright dear," the mare reassured him with smile. "Let me tell you, my Lyra needed a nightlight up until she turned fourteen."

"No way," Bon Bon said in disbelief as she crawled under the covers close-by. "That mare who sneaks out at night to play with the town thestrals?"

Mercury burst out laughing and nodded. "The very same. I remember one time, when she was around six. I decided to take her stargazing as a mother-daughter bonding experience. Well, I figured we could each use some snacks, but I got no more than ten feet before she started crying for me to come back. Needless to say, it was a bonding experience, but there wasn't much stargazing."

"I'm gonna have to remember that one," Bon Bon chuckled as some delicious ideas popped into her head.

"I've got entire photo albums for you to look at later," Mercury said deviously. "Ah. I've been waiting so long to share all those precious moments with her herd. I can hear her groans of embarrassment already."

"That's just awful," Bon Bon chuckled with gleeful clap of her hooves.

"Sometime tomorrow though, dear," Mercury said, cooing at the foals. "Right now, let's set if I can't get a certain little colt to fall asleep tonight."

"It won't work," Henry sighed wearily. Then he added, "and I'm not little."

The mare kissed him for what must have been the umpteenth time and smiled. "It wouldn't matter if you were taller than Celestia, Henry. You're always going to be little to me."

Henry was too tired to argue, and just tried to snuggle into the soft bedding. Then he remembered that the mare was wrapped around him and Twist, and he was really just nestling into her shaggy, warm fur. He froze at this and stared into the smiling face of the fanged matriarch. He swallowed and chuckled awkwardly.

"You really need to relax," she gently chided him.

Twist nodded in agreement. "He'th alwayth like thith. Auntie Lyra thayth it'th becauthe thome human familyth don't thtay clothe like uth ponieth do. Tho Henry doethn't feel comfortable thnuggling, because it'th thtrange thing to him."

Mercury stared at the filly, who seemed so proud of her speech, and then turned to Bon Bon. "That was one of the most adorable things I've ever heard. Too bad I didn't really understand word of it."

Twist deflated some. A quick nuzzle brought her spirits back up. She giggled as her grandma's nose tickled her brow.

Bon Bon smiled at the thestral's interaction with her daughter. "She said that Lyra believes lots of humans don't form very close-knit families. Or, at least, not like us ponies. And that Henry's resistance to getting comfortable with ponies is a result of that. Though, he has gotten much better. Lyra took him to bed with her last night, after adopting him. They've really bonded well with each other."

"I see," Mercury said with a smile. "Just like my Peter was, at first. Lyra almost had to be kept on a leash for the first couple years as she wanted to hug everything within sight. Then again, he was about eleven, and she was four." She sniffed at the memories. "I knew all sorts of tricks to get him to snuggle with his mother."

Henry grew a bit more uncomfortable as the mare propped his head up with a gentle hoof and leaned down until her nose touched his. Finding himself unable to look away form her mesmerizing eyes, he held his breath as he awaited her "tricks". Much to his surprise, she kissed his nose and started singing him a lullaby.

Dream now this night,
My brave little boy.
Let the beating of my heart,
Take you away,
To far off lands of mystery,
Full of wonders and joy.

Fear not the waking world,
I am here to comfort you.
Sleep warmly, safe from the cold,
As I take you by the hoof.
When you wake, I will be waiting,
To hear your sweet voice again.

Till then I'll keep watch,
Banishing all the monsters,
Who would disturb your rest.
For you are my little boy,
My good boy,
Let fear flow away as the waters.

Nightmares be banished now,
Crumbling away, turning to ash.
Let the beating of my heart,
Sounding behind my breast,
Guide you to back home to me,
Across that restful sea.

Perhaps she was called Mercury Melody for a reason. Her voice made both foals feel quite heavy, and Twist was out like a light, while Henry wasn't far behind. Even Bon Bon was feeling a little drowsy. The mare's voice was like warm honey to the ears.

Let my ears delight in your voice,
As you return from you voyage,
Dreamland fades away,
When you come back home to stay.
Until then I shall remain at your side,
To keep you safe tonight.

Mercury repeated lullaby a couple more times before the Henry's eyes became too heavy to keep open any longer. Soon enough he was softly snoring and snuggling into the soft warmth. The mare kissed both foals and gently laid the colt's head back down upon the pillow before sniffing emotionally.

"It's been... quite a while since I've sung that to someone," she whipped her eyes. Then she peered over at Bon Bon, who was lightly slapping her own face to keep awake. "I see I haven't lost my touch either."

The other mare gave a deep yawn and one more slap, before shaking her head and looking at the thestral's cutie mark. A series of silver notes. No. they were quicksilver. "You used to sing that to Peter, didn't you?"

Mercury nodded. "Made up the words myself."

"You're good with children," the earth pony said with a smile as she watched the grandmother lay her head down upon the pillow near the foals' heads.

The mare chuckled. "Thank you, Bon Bon. I can already tell your daughter is good for Henry."

"She does tend to push him out of his comfort zone a lot."

"I would love to stay up and chat about these two for hours," Mercury began with a sigh as she draped a protective wing over the two cuddling forms, "but, there are other matters we must discuss."
> -71- Breakfast With Grandma
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The side of Henry's neck itched something fierce. So he woke up.

The small colt found himself no longer surrounded by the Threstral, but by that other mare named Bon Bon. Though Lyra had told him that her proper title was now Auntie Bon Bon. Or Auntie Bonny. Sometimes just Auntie. He was comfortable cuddling with Auntie, as he'd known her for quite a while. But, he wasn't too interested in continuing to do so at the moment.

He needed to find a bathroom something fierce.

After several minutes of slowly crawling over both Twist and the good mare, he managed to extract himself from the cuddle pile without waking either of them. He grinned tiredly in success and promptly toppled over the edge of the bed. Hurray for an extra durable body, and being a tough colt. He only sniffled a little bit.

managing to exit the room quietly, he wandered the halls for a bit, until he found a maid, who bid him a "good morning" and led him to the nearest water closet. After he finished his business there, he exited the room to find his grandmother waiting patiently for him.

"Good morning, Henry," she cooed as she swept him up into a hug. "Slept well, I trust?"

"Good morning... Grandma," Henry replied cautiously. This seemed to make the mare very happy, which in turn, boosted his confidence. "Yes, I slept fine."

"Glad to hear it." She quickly tossed him up in the air, making him squeak in surprise, and then allowing him to land atop her head where he instinctively gripped with all four hooves. The mare laughed. "Well, get comfy, dear, I'm going to take you to the dining room. I was thinking, maybe you'd like to have some breakfast with me?"

"I'd like that, Grandma," Henry said, lifting his muzzle above his grandma's silky mane. It was actually rather comfortable up there. Not to mention it smelled nice.

"Well, hold on tight," Mercury said roguishly as she spread her wings in preparation to take flight. But the colt's terrified shriek made her trip over her own hooves.

"No! Please," he cried out, gripping the sides of her head even harder. The only reason he hadn't been flung forward when she fell. "I'm scared of heights. Please don't fly."

"Oh?" The thestral carefully picked herself back up and shifted her eyes upwards to try and see him on his perch. "My goodness. Grandma's so sorry, dear. I just didn't realize."

"I-it's okay, I'm sorry," Henry said quietly. He hated to admit that. It made him feel weak.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she firmly replied with some concern. Colts would usually keep up a brave façade at least. His fear of heights must really be something awful. Acrophobia. "I'll walk us there instead. Is that alright?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes, Grandma."

Not wanting him to feel upset, Mercury ensured to put a few hops in her walk. This made him giggle a bit. By the time they reached the dining room, he was laughing uproariously while she had marched and danced in a rather silly fashion the whole way. The maids they passed were amused as well as they greeted their employer and her grandson.

"What would you like for breakfast, Henry?" the mare asked as she sat down at the table, placing Henry on her lap.

His answer was immediate.

"A cinnamon roll, please," he responded excitedly. The mare chuckled.

"Well, you heard the colt," she told the maids that stood awaiting orders. They nodded, and one quickly took off with to deliver the order to the chef. The others stayed behind to set the table.

Mercury accepted a bib and promptly tied it about the colt's neck, patting him on the head once she was done. "Have to make sure you stay clean. You're gonna have a big day today."

He looked up at her questioning. "Huh?"

"I am going shopping today," she answered with a smile. Then she noticed the expression on his face. "Oh, don't worry. It'll just be me and your Auntie Bon Bon. While you and your sister, Twist, will be spending the day with your Grandpa. While your mother and father will more than likely be... busy for a while longer yet."

"I'll say," a passing maid said, balancing a large tray of assorted goodies upon her head. "They requested breakfast, lunch and dinner be brought whilst they're resting up for later."

"That's my girl," Mercury smiled brightly, causing the maid to laugh.

"I can call him Grandpa, right?" Henry asked the mare, reminding her that he was there.

"A little insecure, isn't he?" a nearby pegasus maid mentioned. She withered under the glare her mistress shot at her.

"You will address my grandson with the respect he is due," Mercury warned her, before turning back to the colt and smiling. "Yes. He would be quite upset if you didn't, Henry. He's really looking forward to bonding with both you and Twist today."

"Oh, okay," Henry nodded, understanding.

"Would you like some refreshments?" the pegasus maid asked, hoping to smooth over her earlier misstep. "Something breakfasty? Orange juice? Apple cider? Milk?"

Henry went deep into thought before the chuckling of the matriarch brought him back to reality. "Bring a pitcher of each, Ceiling Duster."

"Yes, mistress," the maid answered smartly, promptly turning to go gather the items.

"And make it snappy."

"Yes mistress!" She bolted towards the kitchens.

Mercury rolled her eyes and sighed wearily. "She should just be glad that Betty didn't catch her."

The maid quickly returned with three large pitchers and two glasses. Mercury promptly dismissed her from the dining room and began serving the drinks herself. "There, now, how about we both out with some nice refreshing Apple Family apple cider. Just one glass, mind you. Any more might give you the trots. Not a fun experience, I'll tell you."

Soon afterwards, the cinnamon roll was brought out and set before the colt who looked at it with amazement.

"It's bigger than me," he gaped in disbelief at the steaming giant pastry. "I don't think I can eat all of this, Grandma."

"Well, of course not," the mare chuckled, grabbing a fork for herself. "You wouldn't mind if an old mare joins you, would you?"

Henry blushed and shook his head. "Of course not. I'll share, Grandma."

"Good. Now, what would you like over top of it? We have honey, maple syrup, royal jelly, cream cheese frosting, peanut butter, and an assortment of jams."

Another moment of coltish indecision prompted the mare to just add a bit of everything with gleeful sounds. Then the two ponies made quite a sticky spectacle devouring the warm piece of heaven. The maids couldn't help but laugh quietly and feel happy for their kind mistress and her grandson.
> -72- Red Cheeks and Sea Slugs
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were, of course, some stallions in Mercury's and Baritone's employment. Such as Knick and Knack, twin earth ponies who pulled the family's carriage. The thestrals were good employers, and made sure their employees were given warm uniforms for the winter, which in turn made the ponies on their paycheck very happy to work for them.

"I've been meaning to ask," Bon Bon said through the pink scarf she wore about her face, "how is it you seem to be in such good straights in Canterlot? You know, being a thestral and all."

"Oh, that's very simple, dear," Mercury chuckled, tipping her ushanka back and giving her broad smile. "My stallion and I made it a point to find out all the elite's dirty little secrets. Like, how a certain herd of inbred unicorn nobles manages to produce a little pegasus filly that just so happens to resemble their gardener. Or how a bunch of foals start popping up that have the same mane and fur coloration as the local constable. Little things like that."

Bon Bon's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh my."

"They leave us alone, and make sure no one tries to harass us as a result," the thestral's grinned turned absolutely wicked. "Our neighbors can be quite pleasant around us. Even in a city as, dare I say, vile as this one."

"Power attracts power to itself," Bon Bon mused, looking up to see the palace in the distance. "It's such a pity that you can't control the quality of it."

"Indeed," the thestral agreed, throwing a quick salute at the far-off palace. "I do not envy our fair princesses one bit. Having to deal with all these elitist pricks on a regular basis would make me go on an awful rampage. Hmph, just about went on one anyway when they tried to raise some scandal about us adopting two human children."

"What'd you do?" the earth pony inquired.

Mercury shrugged. "Made good on a few threats. Now there are a few more mouths to feed at the constable's house, and a certain pegasus filly knows who her real father is. Just about ruined those filthy, scum-ridden... Ahem. Now's not to time for that. We're supposed to be having a good day. Just you and me, dear."

Bon Bon nodded, and turned her attention to the road the two stallions were pulling them along. "So... where are we going exactly?"

Mercury paused a moment and put a hoof to chin in embarrassment. "Oh. I didn't tell you, did I? And we're so close too. Not much time to prepare you."

The other mare leaned back a bit with questioning expression on her face. "Prepare me? For what?"

"Well, during our talk last night, after all of the," she looked at the stallions, "other stuff. When we started talking about each other's families. You mentioned you were planning on becoming a milkmare, so I thought I'd take you look at some proper equipment."

"W-what?" Bon Bon began to turn pale. The thestral sighed.

"Yep, should have given you more warning."


*	*	*


"And this is a black sea slug, from earth," Baritone proudly stated, gesturing at the aquarium in his rather large trophy room. "I purchased it from a group of seaponies a few years back while in Manehatten."

"Woooah," The two foals stared in wide-eyed wonder at the black blob that oozed along the wall of the acrylic sheet.

Twist gave Henry a look. "Why are you tho exthited? You're from earth."

Henry gave her a deadpanned stare. "Tho wha... I mean, so what? Doesn't mean I've seen anything like that before. Have you ever seen a garrage weilding poe-soo-doe-scorpion(1)?"

Twist gave a shudder, remembering that rather dark field guide. "Point taken."

"Say, would either of you two like to hold it?" the stallion asked, chuckling at their little discussion.

Henry gasped and quickly nodded. Twist recoiled a bit and stuck out her tongue in disgust. A unicorn maid was called to properly remove the blob from the aquarium, which she did with an expression of pure disgust, as though even touching the thing with her magic was repulsive. Could unicorn's actually feel with their magic?

That would explain quite a bit.

As for Twist, she found herself wondering just how many maids her new grandparents had.

The maid hastily deposited the slug in her employer's outstretched hooves before hurrying off. The thestral chuckled at the retreating mare and then promptly draped the blob atop of the colt. The slimey, boneless creature almost seemed to consume Henry, all that could be seen were his legs and tail.

"Eeew," he was heard to say, before promptly dancing excitedly on the tips of his hooves. "This is so cool."

"Ick, colts," Twist said, letting her tongue hang out the side of her mouth as she rolled her eyes. Then she looked up at the stallion expectantly. "Me next, me next, Grandpa, me next."


*	*	*


"Ah, Mrs. Melody, welcome-welcome," a slender unicorn mare greeted the thestral as soon as she stepped through the door. She was kind of short, but she seemed to make up this with volume. She was rather loud. "Who's is your friend?"

"My daughter's herdsister, Bon Bon," Melody said proudly, throwing a wing about the nervous earth pony's withers.

"Ah, Lyra has finally tied ze knot, no?" the unicorn gasped and clapped her hooves. "I zo happiness for you. But, surely you did not just come here to tell leetle old me zis, no?"

"We came to look at some... equipment," Bon Bon said slowly. The unicorn gave her knowing smile.

"Oh, I see, yes," she beamed and winked. "Well, you have certainly come to ze right place. Ivory Springs ez ze location to purchase any such itemz for the aspiring dairy lady."

"Um, don't you mean milkmare?" Bon Bon asked quizicaly.

The other mare shook her head. "Oh, non-non, madame. We supplies ze... suppliez to all kindz. We have entire sectionz for cowz, sheepz, goatz, poniez, and other. Zat last one you may enter at your own risk, dahling."

Mercury was quick advise her. "As a mare who has trotted though the 'other' section, I am telling you that you do not want to enter it."

"I don't want to enter it," Bon Bon repeated back to her with a nod. "I'm beginning to see why this place is near the airship docks rather than in the main market district."

The unicorn huffed indignantly. "Non. Tis ze nobles, darling, zat have pushed us out here. Zey do not want to reminded how ze milk gets into ze chocolate cake zey are always stuffing down. Formula fed f..."


*	*	*


"And this was Lyra's six birthday," Baritone said, his belly rumbling with laughter at the picture of a mint filly looking as though she had somehow taken a swan dive into her birthday cake. The two foals, who had just gotten out of the bath, weren't fairing much better. There was even a small group of maids peering over their shoulders to get a look.

Seriously, there were a lot of maids in the place. When Twist asked how many there were, the stallion had simply replied, "fewer than are in the palace."

"Thankfully, your grandmother always had a backup plan," he continued, turning the page. Revealing the filly, covered in frosting and whatnot, smiling unashamedly as she was presented with a tray full of colorful cupcakes by a smiling Mercury.

"Who's that?" Henry asked suddenly, pointing to a laughing human in the background. He just seemed out of place, amongst the majority of ponies in the shot.

"That was Peter, Lyra's brother, and our son," Baritone said in a nostalgic tone, staring at blonde haired boy.

"I have an uncle?" Henry asked, looking up at the stallion.

"You did," the thestral confirmed. "But... he died years ago in an incident."

"Oh," Henry said, ears drooping. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's alright, he went out a hero," Baritone said in a proud, yet sad tone. "He would have loved to have met you both. He was great with foals, if Lyra's any indication. Say, my wife is a very passionate family photographer, just a little warning, and she's filled out entire albums with these two. Why don't we grab a couple of those as well?"


*	*	*


"Oh... my... word," Bon Bon gaped.

"Impresseeve, no?" the unicorn, whom she found was named Obscure Products, said with a flourish of her magic. The earth pony nodded. "Now, down to ze busy-ness. Are you ze high-yield or ze low-yield kind of mare?"

"Eep," Bon Bon squeaked, crossing her hindlegs in surprise at the question. "I-I suppose I'm hoping to be the high-yield kind."

"Oh?" Obscure tilted her head to the side. "You do not know? Well, we have a machine for testing your yield. Care to give it a try?"

"No!" Bon Bon cried loudly, causing the unicorn to take a step back. She tittered nervously. "Sorry. W-what I mean to say is that... I'm not lactating at the moment."

The unicorn managed to laugh and patted the earth pony on the head. "Oh. My mistake, dahling. Usually ze customers are already producing when zey come here. But, still, zere may be a way to determine the machine you need. Such as, are you related to any milkmares, and do you know zeir yield?"

Bon Bon nodded. "Yes. I have a cousin named Milky Way. From the conversations we've had, I believe she averages about five gallons a day. Six if she really pushes herself."

"Zat's rather high, dahlings," the unicorn nodded in thought. She looked about the selection. "Hmm. Now, ze average mare milks zree times a day. Morning, noon, and night. Zo, I would recommend a simple two gallon. Unless you plan on sharing. Plenty of mares enjoy some company."

"Actually, I think the girl would be interested in the DQ-MSM5," Mercury piped up, an amused expression on her face. Her daughter's herdsister was sporting the most precious expression.

"Ah, of course," Obscure said with a grin. "Stay here. I shall fetch one immediately."

Once she had left, Bon Bon turned to the thestral. "You seem to know a lot about this stuff. Not to mention she knows you. Surely you're not..."

"A milkmare? Heavens no," Mercury chuckled, shaking her head rapidly. "Between my job, and the businesses my husband and I invest in to maintain our lifestyle, plus the regulations and inspections I would have to deal with on regular basis... it just wouldn't be feasible. I just do it for my own household needs and bedroom intimacy."

"What?" Bon Bon stared at her.

"Trust me, a little ANR can do wonders in a marriage, dear."

The earth pony's face twisted in confusion. "What?"

Mercury rolled her eyes. "An adult nursing relationship, Bon Bon. It's where a mare suckles her stallion."

Bon recoiled a bit. "Uh, hehe, ew. Sorry, but, Noteworthy and I... we really don't have an age play fetish."

"It's not age play fetish," the thestral shuddered as though someone has thrown filthy water over her. "A fetish is defined as a strong sexual attraction to an object or a typically non-sexual body part. ANR is hardly such a thing. If it were, think of all those poor abused babies out there, forced to feed from their depraved mothers."

Bon Bon watched as the thestral managed to a rather good imitation of Rarity when she was being dramatically sarcastic. "Okay... then, tell me, since we seem to have some time before she returns. What is it, to you?"

"A love language, dear," Mercury smiled, fluttering her wings. "A quiet moment to keep close to my stallion, to bond with him in a special way. Energizing too, usually a very pleasant precursor to really fun night."

The earth pony mare blinked thoughtfully, blushing brightly. "Interesting. Um, I may be willing to hear more. Maybe after we're done here."

"I'd be all too happy to tell you all about it," Mercury chimed happily. "And I mean 'all' about it, dear."

Bon Bon didn't know whether she felt excited or terrified. Maybe a little of both?

"Ah, here we are," Obscure called out as she returned, the object Mercury specified floating behind her in her magic.

"W-what is that?" the earth pony stared wide-eyed at the alien device.

"Zis is ze DQ Milking Saddle Mark five," the mare answered proudly levitating it over to Bon Bon. "Care to test it?"

The earth pony stared at the device for the longest time. "Dear merciful Maker. What have I gotten myself into?"


*	*	*


(1) The Garrote Weaving Pseudoscorpion from Chapter 54
> -73- Two Strudels, a Tart, and a Turnover
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd almost forgotten what it meant to be cold," Lyra chuckled, leaning against Noteworthy as they stood outside a local bakery with the whole family. Each of them had ordered something hot to warm their bellies in the cold winter air. "How's your strudel, Henry?"

Henry, who sat upon her back, patted her head in answer, because good colts didn't talk with their mouths full of apple strudel. The mare chuckled and nuzzled his cheek. "Glad you like it."

Twist was perched upon her father's back, munching a hot tart. "Do we really have to go home already, mommy?"

Bon Bon nodded, kissing her crumb-covered cheek. "Afraid so, Twister. I know time flies when your having fun, but we've already been here a week. Your father and I need to get back to work. Plus, Auntie Lyra's worried about her clinic."

"Hey, when your world's greatest anthropologist, you have a right to worry," Lyra quipped with a huff. "I only trust my assistants as far as I can throw them."

"You're a graduate of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns," the earth pony deadpanned. "You could throw them over this mountain, if you wanted, Lyra."

"I certainly hope you haven't tested that theory, dear," snickered Mercury, who was hovering close-by, eating an identical piece of strudel to Henry's. "At least, not without inviting your father and I. Speaking of which... why haven't you ever invited us to Ponyville?"

"Yeah, that's right," Baritone said, bemused. "You're not ashamed of your parents being thestrals, are you?"

"W-what?" Lyra cried, almost dropping her turnover. "Of course not, papa."

"I don't know," her mother teased. "It's highly suspect that we only just met your friends, or rather, your herd, dear."

"Mama," the mint unicorn yelped indignantly. "I'll have you know that there are several thestrals around Ponyville. I even let a couple of them bite me."

"You what?" Mercury suddenly demanded, scowling and leaning in close to her daughter, eyes blazing. "Who, you foolish filly? Why would you let someone bite you that you didn't at least introduce to your father and I?"

Lyra took a step sharp step back, causing Henry to lose his perch. Her mother swiftly caught him before he hit the ground, but was unable to save his strudel from a similar fate. She simply gave him the rest of hers and nuzzled his face before turning back to scowl irately at her daughter. "You would trust some random thestral? Over your own parents? Why are we the only ones who aren't allowed to bite you?"

Baritone wasn't all that happy either. "A very good, question. Well? Lyra?"

Noteworthy swiftly passed Twist to Bon Bon and placed himself between the two thestrals and his unicorn wife. He cast a worried glance at Henry. While he was sure the matriarch would in no way harm him, ever, the poor colt was definitely going to get a front row view of the impending argument.

"Now, hold on a minute," he glared at the two thestrals. "Lyra's a responsible adult."

Bon Bon barely managed to keep her laughter at that to a squeak. Even the Two Thestrals, while angry, laughed a bit. The unicorn just groaned. "It's a conspiracy, I tells ya."

"Well, she's an adult anyway," the blue stallion rolled his eyes. "So she's old enough to be making her own decisions."

Mercury pressed her nose against his and glowered. "You're not a thestral. You wouldn't understand. She, at least, was raised by thestrals, so she should know that this isn't something that should be taken lightly."

"Then tell me," Noteworthy growled back. "If my wife has done something wrong, I have the right to know."

"She hasn't done anything wrong, just something very... very foolish," the matriarch shot back. With a heavy sigh she leaned back and rubbed her brow with a free hoof. "You do know what happens when we bite people, right?"

The stallion nodded. "You never forget their scent. So... is there something else I should be made aware of? Does that suddenly make our marriage illegitimate, or something?"

"Ugh, of course not," the thestral patriarch answered in disgust. "That'd just be stupid. Shame on you for even thinking that."

"It just means that there are a couple thestrals, who we don't know, that can track our daughter down on a whim," Mercury just about shouted.

"Hey, Dim Sunshine and Phosphate Fizz are good ponies," Lyra defended her position. "They're just a couple of soda jerks who work the nightshift at the bowling alley."

"Well, we don't know that," her mother responded, giving her a no-nonsense glare. "For all your father and I know, they could be looking to take advantage of our baby."

"They're hardly out of college, mama."

"Oh, great." The mare was still unconvinced. "Do they drag you around to see their old frat mates as well? What exactly do you get up to n...?"

"Enough!"

Everyone froze, and more than few passersby stopped to see what was going on.

It was Bon Bon, stepping between both parties defiantly.

"Stop it, all of you," she scolded them as though they were bunch of unruly foals. "You're scaring the children and making a scene."

Mercury looked down at the grandson she was holding and noticed he was rather still, having not even touched the strudel she'd given him. She quickly set about trying to comfort him.

"Oh no." She quickly hugged him close to her chest, rocking side-to-side. "There-there, Henry. No one's mad at you. We're all just... just... we are all just acting very silly... aren't we, Baritone?"

The other thestral nodded. "As our daughter would say: 'it did get out of hand'."

Lyra neatly slipped past her husband and herdsister to take her son back from her mother. "It's okay, mama, papa. And, for what it's worth, I am sorry. I know, you both just want what's best for me. I guess I'm not the greatest daughter in the world."

"Don't say that," Baritone hissed warningly. "Don't even think that, Lyra."

The unicorn chuckled dryly. "Sorry, papa. Anyway. I'll admit, it probably was a rash decision to let those to jerks bite me, while having left you both to worry all the time. But, I... just not yet, okay, mama? Give it a while, okay? After all. I know the first you'd do right now, if I let you bite me."

"Oh?" her mother managed smile.

"Yeah. You'd immediately sniff out the right house just so you could tuck me and your grandchildren into bed. After making a fresh batch of cookies and reading us a bedtime story." Lyra managed a laugh, reaching out with a hoof to hug her parents fondly.

"Don't tempt me, dear," Mercury sniffed, her eyes beginning to water. They she looked over the mint shoulder at other two ponies, and winked mischievously. "I'd be happy to do the same for you two as well."

"Nah, I think we're good," Bon Bon chuckled, glad things were getting patched up. "Right, Notes? Notes?"

"Do you make good cookies?" the blue stallion asked, causing his wife to make face that resembled a sad toad.

"Thhe's Grandma, and grandmath alwayth make good cookieth," Twist explained matter-of-factly, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. This made all the adults burst out laughing.

"But, seriously, we're good," Bon Bon reassured the matriarch. She then gave her stallion a firm kick to erase the disappointed look on his face. "Yeah, good."

After moment of heartfelt silence, the good grandmother had an idea.

"Let's not have end your visit with memories of an argument," she said as she released herself from the hug, skillfully managing to slip Henry away from Lyra. She smiled at the fact he was now starting to eat the strudel. "I heard from one of the maids that there's a festival being held in Fillydelphia. What say we take an airship there, spend a few hours together as a family, and then you can take another airship and arrive back in Ponyville just in time to put these foals to bed? Eh, sound good?"

"Actually, that would very nice," Bon Bon said with an appreciative nod, quickly finding herself relieved of Twist. This grandmother loved to snuggle the foals. "Guess we should head back to the manor and pack our things for the trip."

"Well, head back to the manor, yes," Mercury agreed with a nod. "But, Baritone and I will have the staff pack your things. Just give them directions and the key to your house, and they'll travel by airship directly to Ponyville to deliver your luggage, the gifts we bought for the family, and our baby's dowry."

"Convenient, I like that idea," Noteworthy sounded very pleased with that idea. Bon Bon rolled her eyes with a smile at his goofiness. Then both of their eyes popped open wide.

"Her dowry?" the both asked in unison.

The thestrals nodded.

"Of course," Mercury confirmed. Then her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. "Oh... did we not discuss it? Our bad. Well, it's quite substantial. After all, we've been collecting it for her ever since she hit that... special age."
> -74- "Them"
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...Including five hundred acres of lumber farming, twelve sets of silverware, a full set of fine china, a full collection of season-appropriate lingerie..."

"Mama!"

"You'll thank me later, dear. Now hush." Mercury continued reading from the list of items. "A lifetime subscription to Pegasus Down Mattresses, six sets of garrote weaving pseudoscorpion silk sheets, and a sum of four million bits are to delivered to one earth pony stallion named Noteworthy. With which, he is to provide our daughter, Lyra Heartstrings, with the lifestyle she has become accustomed to, as well as to any children she might have and/or acquire throughout their married life together.

"Should, at any point, they separate, Noteworthy shall be required to return no less than half the acquired dowry to Lyra Heartstrings and her children. Failure to do so, whether by willful robbery or squandrous lifestyle, shall place him under the mercy of the courts, unless forgiven by Lyra Heartstrings and her children, to whom he shall then be indebted to."

The matriarch lifted her eyes from the paper and smiled sweetly at the stallion. "I trust that those last bits and pieces shall never be necessary. Hmm, Noteworthy?"

The stallion hardly seemed to be listening, as well as his first wife. They were sitting there on the seat opposite her and the patriarch in the family's larger carriage. Mouths hanging open in shock.

"I certainly hope they recover soon," Mercury said in the worried tone. "It's going to be a rather dull festival if we have to drag them around in carts. Actually, skip that, it'd be very funny. Glad I brought my camera."

Slightly to her disappointment, Noteworthy and Bon Bon snapped out of their stupor, but not before she had take a couple photos on their way to the docks.

"F-f-f-four m-m-m-million bits?" the stallion stuttered in a hushed tone. It almost sounded like someone was choking him.

Lyra giggled as she ensured both foals were buttoned up for the trip ahead. "I guess it does sound like quite a bit, coming from your background, huh?"

"Well, yes, four million bits, but that's not taking into account the material wealth we've bestowed," Mercury said on an amused tone. "The actual figure, when it's all combined, is really eleven point three-two-nine-seven million Equestrian.

"..."

"..."

"Oh, dear. Broken again."

Lyra leaned over and gave her silly stallion a kiss on the cheek. "Probably more money than he's had altogether in his life, mama."

Baritone chuckled deeply. "Pocket change, for us, really. But, we didn't want to really overwhelm the poor colt. He's a good one, I can tell. He and his first wife. They're going to take good care of you, Lyra. Be sure you reciprocate appropriately."

"Aye-aye, Cap'n Papa," Lyra said, throwing a mock salute. The foals laughed and mimicked her action.

The two earth ponies recovered by the time they reached the docks.

"Now," Mercury began as they got out of the carriage and bid Knick and Knack to return at an appointed time, "I hope you'll be a mature colt about this gift. It's very important to us."

Noteworthy nodded. "Of course. I'm going to handle this like I would a newborn foal."

"Give it back to the parents?" Mercury teased, waggling her eyebrows in an impish manner.

"Uh, I said mature, not stupid," the stallion responded critically. "With something like this, I can finely give Bon Bon the life I been working so hard to provide. Lyra too, of course. And our children can have better educations... Twist can forget about Chocolatier College, she's headed straight for St. Hershey's Academy of Sweets... Henry will... will... well, he hasn't discovered his special talent yet, but with this I can help him carve his own path. And the future children we're hoping to have... they'll want for nothing... and... and...and..."

He couldn't really get much further, as he was overcome with tears. His wives embraced each side of him, nuzzling his face fondly. Even the thestrals couldn't help but join the hug, feeling very proud of their son-in-law.

"I thought mother-in-laws were supposed to mean," Henry whispered to Twist, who sat beside him, watching the adults' emotional display. The filly rolled her eyes punched his shoulder. "Ow."

"Glad to disappoint," Mercury said, giving the colt a toothy grin. She giggled at his surprised expression. "I've got the ears of a bat, kiddo. I hear everything."

The ticket booth was the next stop, after they were done showering the stallion with familial affection.

"The airship leaves in twenty-five minutes," Mercury explained as she passed the tickets around. One to each stallion, and two to the mothers of the two foals, and kept one for her self as well. "Now would be a goodtime to use the facilities, or grab some refreshments for the trip ahead. The dock and airship numbers are on the tickets, so you shouldn't get lost. And, no, that is not a challenge."

"I have to go, mommy," Twist said, tugging on her mother's tail.

"Okay, sweetie," Bon Bon said, turning to escort her filly aside.

"Why don't we go grab the mares some snacks for the road, son," Baritone addressed Noteworthy. The remaining two mare's smiled at how familiar the two stallions had gotten with each other. It was nice to see them bonding so quickly.

"I'm afraid I'll need to see the little filly's room as well," Mercury said with a shrug, heading in the direction Bon Bon and Twist went.

"So, what would you like to do, Henry?" Lyra said, looking down at her son as she placed the tickets in her saddlebags. He looked back up at her with a big grin on his face, his tail wagging excitedly.

"I want to get on the airship," he practically squeaked. Were he a pegasus, she was certain he would be hovering. "I've seen them flying in the sky ever since I've been here, and there weren't any back home. Please? I really wanna see what it's like."

Lyra gave a hearty laugh and scooped him up onto her back before trotting briskly towards the docks. "Of course we can little man. Your mother's gonna get you a full tour of that place, mark my words. Oof."

She was broadsided by a human woman that seemed to be in a big hurry. The contents of her saddles bags spilling out as all three of them fell to the ground.

"Oh, I am so sorry," the woman said, getting to her feet and helping the mare and colt up off the ground while collecting the spilled items. "I don't know why I'm in such a rush today. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Nah-nah," Lyra said, dusting herself and Henry off, before setting him back on her withers. "It was just an accident. Happens all of the time. Trust me, in Ponyville, worse stuff happens before it's even breakfast."

"Oh, well, still, I am sorry," the woman said dusting herself off. "Oh, and I believe these tickets are yours."

"Ah, yes, thank you," Lyra said in relief, accepting the two pieces of paper. Then she narrowed her eyes at them suspiciously. "Hold on. I'm not about to walk into one of these clichés. Are you sure we didn't get each other's mixed up by mistake? I really don't want to find myself on a one-way trip to Yakyakistan by mistake. I don't want Prince Rutherford to turn me into a pony pancake."

The woman chuckeld and shook her head. "Don't worry. I don't have any tickets. I'm waiting to pick someone up, actually."

"Ah, good," Lyra said, wiping her brow in an exaggerated fashion. "Really dodged a bullet there. Well, have a nice day..."

"Gloria," the woman responded with a nod of her head.

"Have a nice day, Gloria. Hope whoever your waiting for gets here soon. Bye-bye. Say good-bye, Henry."

"Good-bye," Henry obeyed shyly, waving at the woman. He hadn't forgotten his humanity, after all.

The woman watched as they disappeared into the crowds of people on the docks. Then she began to laugh as she lifted two familiar tickets up. "Oh, yes, Heartstrings. Have a nice trip. He's waiting for you."
> -75- To Reveal What's Been Hidden
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh, boy, did mama go all out or what?" Lyra sighed with a roll of her eyes as she stood in the middle of the airship's deck.

It was gigantic. More of frigate or a cruise liner. The consequence being that the envelope provided incredible shade and protection from the sun and weather, while also prohibiting watching the sky above. Check that, she found a map. How convenient. Apparently there was an observatory on the top of the envelope with an elevator and staircase up to it. Neat.

Examining the map further, she found there was also a small hanger right next to the cargo bay for aircraft to efficiently transport supplies back and forth. Hardly seemed like the sort of thing that would stop over in Fillydelphia. Their main source of revenue was maple syrup, wool, and cheap onions. And nothing in this big a quantity. Maybe the festival they were throwing was a real doozy.

"There's a pool too," Henry pointed out from atop his mother's head, one hoof holding onto her horn for balance.

"I doubt we'll have time for swimming," Lyra chuckled absently as she noted the recreational areas. There were quite a few. Including an entire electronic arcade. That sounded like fun. "I'm sure there's something else you might enjoy though."

"Can't swim anyway," Henry resigned with a sigh and a shrug

"What?" Lyra asked, quirking eyes up at him. "You can't?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Well, come spring, we're just going to have to rectify that," she stated with a nod that almost dislodged the poor colt. "The lake is one of Ponyville's popular places for foals to play. Especially in the summer when that nice seapony family swims upriver for vacation. You'll like them. They even have a filly about your age."

"Eeew," Henry said, making a face that encouraged Lyra to laugh. He had learned that "filly" meant "girl" in this world.

"Hehe. Give it a few years, kid." Lyra grinned broadly as he grunted in a disavowing fashion. "Com'on Mister Grumpy, I'll just leave note with a sailor, telling everyone that we're having some fun at the arcade. How's that sound?"

"Oh? You can do that?" the colt asked, the thought of his mother playing matchmaker now slipping away.

"Of course," Lyra stated, reaching into a saddlebag with a hoof and pulling out a purse. She then proceeded to pull out a couple rubies from the purse. "One now, one later, and the sailor be won't move until he spots them coming up the gangplank."

"A bribe?"

Lyra chuckled. "Well, I was gonna call financial persuasion. But, y'know. Let's just be honest and call it what it is. Yes, I am bribing a sailor, kiddo."


*	*	*


"Where's my baby?" Mercury demanded to no one in particular, stomping her hooves and flapping her wings erratically in agitation.

Noteworthy and Bon Bon watched the small airship they had just departed leave the docks. They were still in Canterlot, after discovering Lyra and Henry were not on board they had decided to go searching for them, leaving the earth pony mare and Twist behind, just in case they arrived in their absence. But they never showed up, nor were they found.

Baritone was trying to calm his wife, but she was having none of it.

"Don't try to tell me that this is no time to panic," she snapped angrily, baring her fangs. "This is the perfect time to panic. The ship is gone, my baby and grandson are probably lost, and it's cutting into my snuggle time. Do you hear me?"

The winged stallion sighed. "Yes, dear. Now, please continue your tirade, whilst I consult with my level-headed compatriot over here."

He turned to Noteworthy, who was still balancing a bag full of treats on his head. "Has she developed a habit of wandering off while living in Ponyville?"

Noteworthy thought a minute. "Well, she does tend to get sidetracked a lot, finding adventures in almost every little nook and cranny about town... but she always, repeat, always gets where she's supposed to be, on time. So, no. This is not normal."

The thestral nodded. "Okay. That's a clue. Not a very good one. But, a start, at least." He turned to look up the mountain. "She used to play in this city. There is no way she could get lost."

Bon Bon heard this and stepped up quickly. "Do think that...?"

"That she could have gotten nabbed?" Baritone finished for her. "It's... unlikely. They should have all the aligned that they need. Why else would they shut down the portals? And they've never risked trying to take known aligned before."

"Unless they needed only two more and were too impatient to wait any longer," Noteworthy suggested.

While everyone was digesting this theory, Mercury included, Twist was staring after the departed airship. She may have been a little filly, but she was by no means stupid. Auntie Lyra was one of the smartest ponies she knew, next to Twilight Sparkle, and she was powerful too. Even in her weakened state, she would still be powerful enough to smash a small army with her mind. Kidnapping was out of the question. First of all, whoever "they" were, were obviously not stupid either, despite being dumb enough to be evil, and they would never risk it. 

Especially now that she had a son. Parents were much stronger when their children were involved. She knew this was true, having witnessed first hoof her own mother once laying the beatdown on the bugbear that rampaged through town some time ago. Yeah, it had made a grab for her, apparently her mother had done something to make it angry a long time ago. Anyway, when her mother had seen that, she became an enraged beast, almost like in those anime Auntie Lyra loved so much.

So, no, that wasn't a possibility. And neither was drugging them. It was far too public a place. That could mean only one thing in the filly's mind.

"They got on the wrong boat," she piped up. All eyes turned on her.

"How?" her mother asked, coming over and stroking her mane. "How did you figure that out?"

Twist rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. It'th obviouth. Thomeone thwitched their ticketth. That way they could get them on a boat heading thomeplace where they would have the... the... the home field advantage. Or thomething. Probably thomething thtupid, too. Probably had thomeone run into them, and make it look like an acthident before making the thwitch. Like in thothe cheethy movieth you and daddy alwayth watch."

The filly suddenly found herself staring into the draconic eyes of her grandmother, who promptly showered her face with kisses.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Twist," the mare cried happily. "That means that they're alright. All we need to do is find the ship they boarded and then hijack... er, that is, commandeer a faster one and beat them to the punch. While at the same time dispensing some long-awaited justice. You are getting a special commendation from the princesses for this."

"From the princeththeth," Twist gasped, throwing her hooves on her cheeks. "Do you mean that, grandma?"

"Naturally," Mercury nodded, before turning to the others. "Come on, let's find out what ship they took?"

"How?" Bon Bon asked despairingly. "There are hundred's of ships. It could take us hours, if not days just to narrow it down to a few. We'd almost have better luck just choosing one at random."

"Not quite, dear," Mercury said, suddenly becoming rather nervous. Her ears drooped guiltily as she backed up a few steps from the rest of the family. "I... I can find out which dock they boarded at. From there, we can ask which ship they took, and where it's headed."

The tension of understanding was heavy enough to float an anvil.
> -76- Twice Bitten and Several More
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You bit her?" Baritone demanded, looming over his cringing wife. "Without her permission?"

Mercury nodded, her eyes closed in shame. "Yes... and... and..."

"And me and Henry too, right?" Twist asked, drawing everyone's attention again. Then everyone turned back to the mare.

She nodded again. Yes. I'm so sorry."

"I thought tho," Twist muttered, rubbing the side of her neck. "My necked itched thomething awful after the firtht night."

"I-I barely b-broke the skin," Mercury defended weakly with a small shameful sob. "It was completely healed by morning."

"Oh, my dear beloved mare," Baritone sighed wearily as he rubbed his head. He stepped forward and picked her up off the ground, holding her against his chest as he stroked her mane. "Why?"

It was a simple question. But it cut deep into the heart of the cause.

"Because I lost my son," she cried, letting loose the floodgates. "I... I... I wanted to do every-everything in my power to keep my baby s-safe after that horrible day. I know it was wrong of me. And... and then I suddenly find myself a grandma... it all just came flooding b-back to me. I just want my family safe."

Bon Bon sighed to herself. She placed her daughter upon her back and approached the thestrals with calculated steps. Her face was stern. "While I am very upset... very, that you would do such a thing without permission... I understand why." She watched as the crying mare turned her eyes to meet hers. "We mares will do very stupid things when we believe we might lose the things we love. Maker knows how many times I've wished Twist came attached with training wheels, or perhaps a tracking device. I can't imagine what it was like to lose a child, and I hope I never do."

"I hope not as well," Mercury sniffed, cuddling closer to her stallion. "Darn near killed me."

"I am going to forgive you, Mercury," the other mare continued, holding out a hoof. "But, it's going to require some trust, on both our sides. You've bitten most of my family already. Why not finish the job? We are your family, now, after all."

"W-what?" Mercury asked in surprise. Even Baritone seemed taken aback.

"Right now, we have to stick together," the mare kept on talking, presenting her hoof to both the thestrals. "You've raised and protected Lyra ever since she was a little filly. I expect you do to the same to my children as well. Understand?"

The thestral nodded quickly. "Of course."

"Well then?" Bon Bon, no, Agent Sweetie Drops asked, looking down her muzzle at thestral. "Get on with it. Let's go save my herdsister and son."

It truly was a painless experience, if not a little itchy afterwards.


*	*	*


"They must have gotten lost or something. Papa loves arcades. Stupid giant ship."

Lyra glanced about the large arcade in an annoyed fashion. A pony could get lost in the place. Must of had some sort of dimensional expansion matrix to make it so big in the inside. It could almost have been mistaken for a casino. Well, there were a few gambling machines here and there.

She made sure her little colt stayed away from them.

Not that that was especially hard. Like most colts, he was more interested in the large video game machines that were offered. But she did ensure he got familiar with some of the more physical games.

Like Hot Trot Dance Spot.

The mint mare turned her attention back towards the screen of the obvious ripoff of a human classic. Boy, was she out of practice. Then again, she had it set to "expert" for herself. Henry, in the mean time, was struggling with the beginner level she'd set for him. He still didn't have that great of coordination yet. It didn't help any  either that the dance pad was meant for older ponies.

It was kind of comical to watch him leap to and fro on the dance pad with a look of near animalistic desperation etched in his face as he tried to keep in time with the arrows that flew across the screen. He even slipped off the entire machine itself more than once in his near hopeless thrashing.

"Easy, buddy, don't hurt yourself," Lyra warned him, slightly concerned. Did all colts try to show off like this? She looked around again, perhaps he had spotted a cute filly.

Not seeing any in the immediate vicinity, she quickly had another thought.

D'aw. Was he trying to show off to his mother? That was too precious. He deserved something for being so cute. "Missing" some timing and beats would help even their scores. That ought to make to little guy smile.

Sure enough, by the time to song was over, Lyra had managed to almost make it a tie. Even though he did still lose, Henry still beamed at the fact that the scores were so close to each other.

"I did it, I'm getting better," Henry said, huffing a bit to catch his breath as he looked down at his hooves. He looked back up at the unicorn. "I'm walking better. Almost as good as you, Mrs. Heartstrings... er, I mean... mom. Hehe."

Lyra chuckled and kissed his cheek, causing him to blush. "You certainly are, big guy. Now... how about we play some games that'll give us tickets to purchase prizes?"

Henry tilted his head to the side. "You can win prizes for playing games?"

Lyra stared back at him for a minute. "You've never been to an actual arcade before, have you?"

He shook his head. "No, ma'am."

Lyra sighed good-naturedly. "Well then. I guess we're just gonna have to win the grand prize, aren't we? Make it memorable, as it were."

"The grand prize?" Henry asked as he gripped her mane.

She nodded. "Yeah, I think they said it was a first edition Daring Do book. Eh, it'll make a nice edition to the home library."

"Are Daring Do books any good?"

Lyra facehooved and groaned. "I knew I was forgetting something important."


*	*	*


"Dock 23, section 180," Baritone restrained himself from jumping down the throat of the unicorn.

"Don't rush me, impudent colt," the very old unicorn muttered from behind the window as he adjusted his glasses and turned the pages of the large volume that contained the day's information. "What was the dock number again?"

"Twenty... three," the thestral growled, shaking in agitation as he ground his teeth.

After several long moments of turning pages and mild noises of contemplation, the unicorn looked up and smiled sheepishly. "Oops. Silly me. This is yesterday's manifest. Let me see if'n I can't find today's fer ye."

Two earth ponies and a thestral mare barely kept Baritone from lunging through the window that kept them out of the information desk. They managed to calm him down by the time the unicorn returned. Mostly.

"Now, lemme see 'ere," the unicorn said, opening the book and licking his lips. "What was the dock number again?"

Before Baritone could unleash a nightmarish assault upon the poor stallion, Mercury shoved a granddaughter into his hooves, apparently a great cure for rage, and looked through the window at the stallion with narrowed eyes.

"Dock twenty-three, section one-eighty," she said in a slow, smooth voice that dripped venom and conjured up images of dark shadows filled with pointy things. Truly she was a master of vocal persuasion, able to put fear in the most hardened of hearts.

It just seemed to bounce off the forgetful stallion, who nodded slowly with an almost grandfatherly smile before going back to perusing through the book. The poor mare groaned and slammed her head against the counter a few times before stepping back to cover her face with her ushanka so as to muffle her screams.

"Should have just asked a sailor," Noteworthy sighed. His wife nodded in agreement as she rubbed the head of Twist who was snuggling beneath her grandpa's chin.

"Ah, here it is," the unicorn finally said stopping on a page. Everyone pushed up against the window to have a looksee. "The Stinky Gross Bucket garbage barge. It's destination... the dump."

"Excuse me?" Bon Bon asked, peering at the page. "Uh, that's section one-eight-one. Go back one, please."

The unicorn looked down at the paper in surprise. "Oh? You're right, missy. For a moment, I thought you might be some of the dumpster divin' troupes."

No one wanted to know if that was a real thing.

"Okay," the stallion said, turning back the page and running his hoof down the list of ships and number. "Ah. Here we are. The Ivory Titan jet cruiser. Destination..."
> -77- Family Matters
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mmmnnng, stoppit, mama. The cheese said I could follow the pork chop's guacamole."

"Ma'am, please wake up. If you and your colt are tired, then return to your suite."

"But the soap won't slip under the door."

"Ma'am. The Bubble Court is not for sleeping on. Seriously, that's going to kill your back."

Lyra slowly opened her eyes, blinking as the bright lights flashed across he vision. "Ugh. "Wha' time issit? Have we reached Fillydelphia yet?"

"It's about eight o'clock, ma'am. And, no, we're not going to be reaching Fillydelphia anytime soon."

Eyes beginning to focus properly, Lyra took a good look at the mare who was talking.

"Huh?" she intelligently muttered and she rose up on all fours. Great merciful heavens, she was right. Her back felt as though someone had tried to tie it up like pretzel. "Owwwuch. Mm, Henry? Henry? Wow. Just how many games have did we play?"

The mint mare reached down to disentangle her colt from the sizable nest of tickets they had apparently won before passing out.

"Too many," the uniformed mare rolled her eyes as she helped Lyra gather them all up into a large paper bag. "You must really like playing games, ma'am?"

"I guess," the mint mare yawned, thanking the other mare for the help. "I really just wanted to make my little stallion's first arcade experience memorable. Guess I went a little overboard, huh?"

"Just gonna be another spoiled rich brat," the other mare muttered under her breath, thinking she would unnoticed. She did not.

She got a face full of maternal rage.

"What did you just say about my colt?" Lyra growled, baring her teeth at the now-terrified mare. She may not have been a thestral, but being raised by them had given her a somewhat predatory glare.

The mare was thoroughly terrified. "I-I s-s-said... he's going to g-grow up into a f-fine st-stallion. Hehe. Yeah. That's what I said, ma'am."

"That's what I thought you said," Lyra snorted, pushing past the mare, rather indignant. "The nerve of that bi... ahem. Language, Lyra. You're a mother now. Let's go collect your prize, kiddo."

She stomped off in a huff.


*	*	*


"You'll not be throwing any parties, inviting strange stallions, or rummaging through the masters' belongings while we're away," Bouncing Betty Instructed the maids as she packed her extra-large cast iron frying pan into her alice pack. She gave the assembled mares the gimlet eye. "If I so much as see one button missing from any suit or dress, discover that there is any jewelry missing, or even find that the mistress's perfume bottles are so much as a fraction emptier... you'll all be fired, without severance pay."

While she would never actually do such a thing (there was a kind mare beneath that iron shell), she was still scary enough to ensure none of the maids dared try to test her. Especially after that latest eavesdropper had just recently gotten her job back.

Head wrapped in bandages, the maid in question nodded in confirmation. And nodded. And nodded. And nodded some more until Betty rapped her between the eyes.

"As for you, High Polish, you may return home until that skull heals a bit more," she said in a softer tone. She hadn't meant to cause that much damage to the poor mare. But it had been a matter of national security.

"Yes, Ms. Betty, yes, Ms. Betty, yes, Ms. Bett..." the poor mare quickly found a hoof in her mouth.

"Two of you escort her back to her mother's house," Betty sighed in resignation as she turned to throw the pack on her back. "Remain there until she's better. Or until her mother chases you out."

Moving to do as they were told, one of the selected maids inquired, "how long will you be gone, Ms. Betty?"

"Until we get back," was the earth pony's unsatisfyingly vague answer.

"Glad to see you're taking care of things."

The household staff all to turned to see two stallions descend the staircase, carrying ominous looking, elongated cases made of hard plastic. The head housekeeper inclined her head respectfully.

"Of course, Master. Everything shall be in shipshape by the time we return. Right, ladies?"

The maids quickly agreed and spoke in unison.

"Yes, Ms. Betty."

"Are you sure you want to come with us?" Noteworthy asked as he adjust some of the straps.

"Why ever not?" Bouncing Betty uncharacteristically snapped at the stallion. "I helped raise the young mistress ever since she came to this house as a little filly. I've protected her, fed her, and comforted her when her parents were unavailable. I grieved alongside her when her brother was taken from us, and I'll be damned if I stay here while she and her son could be in danger."

Not exactly cowed, but very taken aback by the outburst, Noteworthy stared at the mare in shock, not sure if he should say something back or not. Silence seemed to be the best option

Clearing her throat and running hoof through her pristine mane, Betty stood up straight and composed herself. "Forgive me. I was out of line, Mr. Noteworthy."

Baritone, on the other hoof, chuckled at the display the mare had put on. "Go easy on him, Betty. The colt's not that familiar with you yet." He turned to the other stallion and patted his back. "Bouncing Betty here has always been somewhat of a surrogate auntie to my daughter."

The mare froze up a bit and looked a little nervous. "Master, please, I-I would never presume to have such a relationship with the young mistress. It is not my place to..."

"You cuddled with her and Peter every opportunity you got," Baritone teased, though it seemed somewhat hollow, given the circumstances.

"I-I... Was instructed to keep close to them, sir, I was only... was only doing... as, oooh." Blushing like a filly caught messing with her mother's makeup, the mare pulled a quick about-face and hurried off.

Baritone chuckled humorlessly. "And that, Noteworthy, is how you get under a mare's skin."

"You realize she's going to get revenge for that, right?" the blue stallion mentioned as an aside.

"Of course. She is a mare, after all." The thestral slumped his withers and sighed. His attempt at humor had fallen far short of improving the mood.


*	*	*


"Are you sure this place is safe?" Bon Bon asked worriedly, looking up at the large house. There were a lot of large houses in Canterlot. It was nowhere near as big Baritone and Mercury's, but neither was it very small.

Clinging to the mare's mane was Twist, who trembled slightly as she gulped. "Do I really have to thtay here, mommy?"

Her grandmother gave her swift kiss on the cheek. "For the time being, until we get back, dear. They're a wonderful couple who have experience with raising rambunctious children. You'll be safe with them."

"I'm not ram... rambunc... rambuncthiouth," Twist stated with a frown.

"Just covering all the bases," was the grandmother's calm response.

Bon Bon leaned over and whispered. "I want to know all about these ponies before I leave my Twister in their hooves."

The thestral just smirked as she reached up and knocked on the door. "Oh, you'll believe it when you see them."

It was true, the mare that answered the door quickly erased all doubts from the earth pony's mind.

"Why, hello, Mercury, it's been a while since you last visited, do come in," Twilight Velvet smiled welcomingly. She smelled of fresh-baked bread and foreign spices, which delightfully tickled the small filly's nose.

"I would love to, Velvet," the thestral sighed, taking the filly from Bon Bon's back and giving her a squeeze before holding her out to the unicorn. "But, my baby and grandson have been kidnapped and we need you to look after my granddaughter while we run a dangerous rescue operation. For old time's sake?"

"I'd be happy too," Velvet cheerfully chirped as she took the filly in her magic and nuzzled her. Twist reluctantly giggled a little, then looked back at her family.

"Can't I go with you?" she pleaded, causing the kind unicorn to from a little.

"I'm afraid not, Twister," Bon Bon sniffed as she stroked the filly's mane comfortingly. "It's too dangerous for a little filly."

"I'm not little," she protested, drawing a laugh from the good mare.

"Don't worry, sweetie. We're gonna bring your brother back very soon." She planted kiss of the filly's forehead nuzzled her cheek. She turned the unicorn. "What kind of security do you have here?"

Velvet smirked a bit. "Well, on top of the various detection and look-away spells me and my stallion have cast upon the property, there are also the multiple layers put in place by our children. They think we don't know about it, but, so far, we've found around seventy-seven of them. Good ones too."

Protection spells put in place by the two most powerful unicorns of the modern age made a very convincing argument for the earth pony. Well, Twilight Sparkle was an alicorn now. Which just meant they were stronger these days.

"And, yes, we know it's theirs," Velvet continued as she set the filly upon the ground. "A unicorn's magic is just as distinct as a nose-print(1). And a mother always recognizes her children's magic. It's known as gestative sympathetic arcane resonance."

Bon Bon felt even better now. "Okay, so... you're fine with watching my daughter then?"

Velvet nodded. "Of course. It's far too quiet around here as of late. This should be just the thing to slap the writer's block out of me. Though, would you like a few enchantments or potions for the road? Night Light just finished a fresh batch of entomological-necromantic-terrors, and I think we may have a spare wabbajack or two you could borrow. Perhaps even something... Lovecraftian?"

"No, I think we got enough wabbajacks, and zombie bugs are too much of a hassel," Mercury said with a shake of her grateful head. "Though, if you have a couple shoggoths, I would be delighted."

Velvet head sunk. "Drat. We just sent the last of them away to the Frontier. There is an old batch of old Hasturs that should still be good."

The thestral considered it a moment. "Just one. Might make for a good distraction."

One bottle of... something appeared in a flash before their eyes, sealed with a cork and wrapped in woven thrushes. It made little baaing sounds as it was moved into Mercury grip.

"Will that be all?" the unicorn asked as she placed the filly on her back.

Mercury Meldoy looked conflicted for moment. "Well. My baby and grandson are in danger, so... I'm calling in 'the favor', Velvet."

Velvet blinked as her face became serious. "I see. Very well. As co-head of the Foggy Mage Counsel, I present you with this."

A scroll was the next thing to appear was a scroll.

"Use it wisely, Mercury," the unicorn warned darkly. "And do try make home before our next luncheon. I would love to properly meet the rest of Lyra's little herd."

"I shall try," Mercury nodded thankfully.

Bon Bon, however, was gaping. "Hold it. You're co-head of the Foggy Mage Counsel?"

Velvet nodded. "Yes. Is that a problem?"

Bon Bon shook her head. "Are all the secret government councils run by married couples?"

The other two mares looked at her like she'd grown two heads.

"Yes," Velvet said slowly with another, equally slow nod.

"Why wouldn't they be?" Mercury asked, confused.

The poor mare just sighed and gave her daughter one more hug. "Never mind. Let's go save Lyra and Henry."


*	*	*


(1) This is a real-life procedure for identifying animals in crimes, and since most ponies use their faces to pick things up, it's not a farfetched idea.
> -78- Misinterpretation and Coincidences
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyra stood at the prize counter, searching about for the book that was supposed to be the grand prize. Her vision still blurry from being awoken not long ago, she had set Henry upon the counter, as lookout for the rest of the family. Which was worrying her. She felt like she had slept for hours, but that couldn't possibly be right.

"Can I help you ma'am?" the young stallion behind the counter asked in a bored tone.

Lyra nodded. "Yeah. I'm looking for a book. I thought for sure it was here."

Sighing wearily, the stallion turned to look through the various offered prizes. "What's the title?"

"I'm not sure," Lyra blushed in embarrassment. "All I know was that it was a Daring Do novel."

The stallion rummaged around for a bit. "Well, we've got an Encyclopedia Celestia, an assortment of foal curriculum and a whole heck-load of cookbooks. Ah, here's a Darkest Darkness. Sorry, can't find a Daring Do."

"Rats," Lyra muttered, rubbing her eyes. "Someone must have won it before we got here."

"So we don't get the first expedition?" Henry asked, looking up at the sign.

Lyra chuckled at his mispronunciation. "First edition, Henry. And, no. Sorry, kiddo."

"Actually, the kid is right," the stallion stated, reaching up and taking the sign down. "See? First ever Expedition with Daring Do. But you need the golden ticket in order to win it."

"Like this?" Henry asked, pulling out said ticket from underneath his skimmer hat, which he had been wearing all day. "My... uh, mom told me to keep it under my hat, because she said it might be important."

The stallion stared in amazement. "Seriously? You... you actually found it? It's been weeks since they posted that prize. I was beginning to think it was just a scam to increase business. But, you found it? Which machine?"

"The one with the colored bubbles we had to pop in order," Henry said, thinking back as the stallion took the ticket from him. "That was fun, but a loooooot of work."

The stallion rummaged around for a minute behind the counter. "It was on the bubble court? Seriously? Only little foals play that game."

"I'm not little," Henry muttered, growing very unamused by this stallion. The pony didn't seem to hear as more sounds of scraping and shuffling were heard beneath the counter. It prompted the young colt to try and peer over the edge to see what was happening.

Unfortunately, this resulted in some bad timing, as the stallion had found what he was looking for and stood back up, knocking the colt in the nose in the process. His hat falling to the side, Henry rubbed his smarting nose as he glared at the stallion, whilst sporting a sheepish expression.

"Sorry," the stallion apologized as he lifted a dusty box from up onto the counter and blowing it off. The colt sneezed hard in the cloud that billowed off. "Sorry, again."

Opening the box, the stallion revealed a laminated card depicting the image of a semi-amused pegasus mare in a pith hat. Underneath it read:

Congratulations, explorer. This card is good for a guaranteed twenty-four hour experience with the world's foremost archeologist, Daring Do. Do not lose it, trade it, or sell it. As that will prove you are not a true adventurer, and will therefore void the warranty. We will know if any of these scenarios transpire. She is looking forward to meeting with you, explorer.

Henry reached out and took the card in his hooves, eyes wide in amazement. As soon as he made contact, however, the card sparkled and the pegasus on the cover winked, while at the same time a light flashed in his face, startling him. He dropped the card and almost fell off the counter.

"Ah, I see," the stallion said with a chuckle, catching the colt before he could topple over the edge, "there's probably a miniature camera inside it. So that's how they'll know who won. Do like you did with the ticket kid, and put it under your hat."

Blinking away the spots from his eyes, the colt did as he was instructed.

"About the most exciting thing that's happened around here since forever," the stallion sighed, putting the box away. "Well, enjoy your prize. And, seeing as you still have... quite a few tickets left over, feel free to choose whatever else we have available."

"You hear that, mom?" Henry asked excitedly, turning towards the unicorn, who had been quiet. Almost unsettling so, now that he thought about it. Seeing her just staring at him was even more unsettling. "Um... Mrs. Heartstrings?"

The stallion was becoming worried as well. He reached over to poke her shoulder. "Um, ma'am? Do I need to call somepony?"

He leapt back with a most unmasculine yelp when she whipped her head around to look at him. "Daring Do?"

The stallion nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"An expedition with Daring Do?"

"Again, yes, ma'am," the stallion inched away, looking for a hiding spot.

"But, that can't be possible," Lyra hissed, looking away and gripping the sides of her head as though it were about to explode. "We're heading to Fillydelphia." She turned to look back at the stallion who had managed to partially hide himself behind a giant teddy bear. "Right?"

"No, ma'am," the stallion squeaked, somehow managing to make himself look smaller.

The mare reached out and grabbed her son off the counter, pressing him against her chest in an almost delirious fashion. "But... But... Daring Do is in the Western Isles."
> -79- Follow the Monkey
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the perfect time to panic, and Lyra had impeccable timing. That being said, after the initial shock, she quickly set to address this newfound revelation with the captain of the airship. The results were less than satisfying.

"What do you mean you can't turn this flying crate around?" the mint unicorn demanded of the salty old unicorn that stood before.

The stallion sighed and scratched his thick beard. "I am sorry, ma'am, but we're under orders to deliver a few important packages to the colony as soon as possible."

"But we're heading for the Western Isles," Lyra protested desperately. "Have you read the book? Oogoos, and mipes, and shadow sprinters are just a few of the dangers we're likely to encounter."

The bearded unicorn sighed again. "Ma'am, Darkest Darkness was an old and obsessed stallion by the time he journeyed to the Western Isles. Alone, I might add. From what I've seen of the place, most of it seems like a maddened fairytale."

Oh, the cliché line Lyra had read in so many books and seen in many movies actually just happened right before her. This stallion had jinxed everything, and made her instinctively pull her colt in underneath her barrel protectively. "You're not very genre savvy, are you, captain?"

"What?" he asked, growing rather annoyed. "Nevermind, ma'am. But, you have nothing to worry about. Not a week after first landing, it was declared safe enough for colonization. Haven't you been reading the papers?"

Lyra look aside. "I've been a little busy this past month or so. Haven't exactly been paying attention to the headlines as of late."

Again, the stallion sighed.


*	*	*


"Well, that could have gone better," Lyra groaned sourly. She watched Henry stare in fascination at the ship's internal mechanisms and found herself forming a smile. "Well, I suppose it could have been worse too."

As an apology for the inconvenience, the captain had given them a pass for a special tour of the ship. This had made Henry ecstatic, much to the mint unicorn's amusement. Perhaps he didn't quite understand the situation, being so young and all. Or, more likely, it was the fascination that most colts seemed to have with giant machines.

"And this is the pressure gauge for the port side jet engines," the young pegasus stallion said stated proudly to the colt. Despite the greaser hairdo, he was very friendly and rather eloquent in his speech. He almost seemed thrilled to be giving a tour. "See that red bar at the end, kid?"

Henry nodded rapidly.

"Well, that red bar is very important," the stallion explained, beaming. "If the needle ever reaches that bar, we have only ten minutes to lower the pressure or we'll might lose the engines. If that happens, then we have to deactivate all engines, or else the ship would be flying in circles."

"Wow," was Henry wide-eyed response. "How fast do you have to be going for that to happen?"

"Well, not as fast as some us would like," the pegasus snorted with a hint of discontentment. "But, to answer your question, it's been tested up to fifty-seven point four knots. Making the Ivory Titan faster than any other ship in the world. Of course, we don't even need half of that to evade most threats we might encounter in the sky."

From the look on Henry's face, Lyra could tell he had no idea how fast a knot was, but he didn't want to speak up for fear of embarrassment. She chuckled and moved to tackle that one for him.

"Wow, that is fascinating, Mr. Wrench, but, how fast is a 'knot' exactly?" the unicorn asked, rubbing Henry's back with a gentle hoof.

"Please, call me Monkey, or Monk, for short, Miss," the stallion grinned with a wink. "A knot is one point eight-five-two kilometers per hour. So, at top speed, we would be achieving velocities of one hundred and six point three-zero-four-eight kilometers per hours."

Lyra chuckled. "Thank you... Monkey. But... it's Misses, not Miss."

The stallion deflated a bit, ears folding back. "Oh? Yikes... this is embarrassing."

"Yeah, flirting with a married mare isn't the most appropriate thing to do," Lyra teased, patting him on the head. "Though, it is insterting. Most stallions your age don't look for mares who already have foals."

The pegasus' eyes widened a bit. "He's your son? You looked so young, I thought he might be your brother, or a nephew... oh, did you..."

"No," Lyra quickly cut him off with a hiss. "I joined a herd and... as I am unable to have foals of my own, adopted him. Actually, that sounds unfair. Even if I could have foals, I definitely would have adopted him all the same." She rustled her colt's mane fondly. "This little guy's one of the best things to happen to me."

"Well, you've only had me a week," Henry quipped as he tried to flatten out his mane. Why did adults have to touch his hair like that? It was so annoying. Though he would never tell them that. It would be rude.

Lyra smirked.

"Only the official part," she said, nuzzling his head. She knew it annoyed him, but she just loved watching him try to fix his mane.

"Ah, that's sweet," Monkey Wrench chuckled as he watched the two interact with each other. The colt lunged at the mare in a mock attack, hugging her leg in a vice grip. Poor little guy didn't seem to know his own earth pony strength, and quickly became apologetic as his mother wrung her leg to get the blood flowing again, all the while reassuring him that she was fine.

This gave him an idea. "Hey, you what? You two have been great, so I've got an idea for you two."

Lyra, in the middle of hugging her son, eyed him shrewdly. "Hmm? And what might that be?"

"Well," the stallion looked around to make sure no one was listening. "We've got a special cargo. I'm not really supposed to talk about it. But... how would you two like to get a quick peek at something cool? I mean, really cool."
> -80- Pegasus Ponies and Propeller Planes
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Pretty cool right?" Monkey Wrench asked, opening the small metal crate that had been placed in a secluded corner of the cargo hold.

While Henry was fascinated, Lyra was tilting her head in confusion. "Uh? What are they?"

Inside the box were many large cylinders, glowing an exotic shimmering green, and each capped with golden disc. They rested upon a thick foam insolation and each were marked with the image of a lit candle. To top it off, a strange magical force was being emitted from them. The good anthropologist could feel it in her horn.

"Power cells," the pegasus answered. "They're an experimental source of power for the colony. So they can get rid of those ridiculous windmills they've been using(1)."

Lyra and Monkey shared a small laugh.

"Why are there only forty-nine?" Henry asked, drawing both adults gazes. They could hardly believe he, a child, had taken time to count them.

Lyra did some quick multiplication. The cylinders were placed seven-by-seven in the box. Yes, there were forty-nine. "Huh. Almost seems like one's missing. Doesn't it?"

Monkey, gave the colt an odd look. "What kind of colt sees something cool, and then decides to count them?"

"I like counting things," Henry answered shyly, not exactly comfortable being stared at. Lyra noticed this and drew the stallion's attention away.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat. "I would appreciate you not interrogating my son in the future, Mr. Wrench."

Monkey smiled weakly. "Sorry, ma'am. I've just never seen a colt that enjoyed math. Except in movies."

"I hate math," Henry piped up, indignant. "It's awful and boring, and I really hate it when get in trouble for not showing my work."

Lyra appeared miffed. "All this time and I've never known that about you. Why wouldn't you tell your own mother?"

The colt's ears drooped. "I... I didn't want you to think I was weird."

"Your a kid," Lyra pointed out, bemused, "you're supposed to be weird." She chuckled as she patted his head. "Tell me these things, kiddo. As a mother, I want to know everything about my little baby boy."

"I'm not little," Henry groused, waving her hoof off his head.

"Okay, so you're a big baby then," Lyra quipped faster than he could think. She bounced her brow as he pouted sourly. Both she and Monkey shared a small laugh at his expense.

"Can we go look at something else," the colt asked, feeling like getting some distance between himself and the box that had put him into a position of humiliation. He received a kiss on the nose for an answer.

"Sure," Lyra agreed, scooping him up onto her back. "How about the hanger next? That way you can look at the planes. Will that cure your sour attitude?"

The colt looked down, ashamed. "I'm sorry, mom."

Lyra nuzzled his cheek warmly. "It's okay, Henry. You're not a baby. You're a bright young stallion who's silliness does my heart good."

"Well, if you want to see the planes just follow me," Monkey said as he quietly closed the lid of the box and locked it back up before throwing a tarp over it. "Just gotta make sure no one knows we were here. Remember, don't tell anyone. They really don't want anyone to know about it."

"Our lips are sealed," Lyra reassured him, making a gesture as though she were zipping her lips. Henry imitated this, much to her delight.

The hanger was a short distance from the cargo hold. Located on the ship's stern where it would be sheltered from the headwinds. As promised, there were plenty of planes, and Lyra was jovially having to chase after her colt as he rushed about to try and look at each and every one in turn.

"C'mon, a little slower, sweetie," the unicorn chuckled as she moved to intercept the rascal. Even if her magic had been up to par, she wouldn't have used it, as she was enjoying the chase too much to use a dues ex machina strategy like that.

"Awe, mom," Henry complained, "I just want to see them up close."

"I understand that," the mint mare said, "but you shouldn't be running around like that. You'll cause problems if you get underhoof. And I don't want to see you get hurt."

"M'kay," Henry conceded with a small sigh.

Laughing at the sight, Monkey trotted up to them. "It's alright, ma'am. Frankly, I'd be more worried if he wasn't so excited." He brushed past them and walked right up one of the planes. "C'mon, I'll give you both a tour."

"Are you sure we should be touching that thing?" Lyra asked skeptically, as she looked over the machine, a pusher configuration(2) propeller pane, with a bright yellow fuselage that sporting red and blue racing stripes on the wings. The name Your Mother was written on the side in bold black letters. "This looks like someone's taken really good care of it. I would hate to make them upset if they caught us messing with it."

"Nah, I won't mind at all," Monkey grinned as he climbed atop a wing, popped open the canopy, and dawned an aviator cap that had been attached the throttle.

"This is your plane?" Lyra asked in disbelief, eyes widening in shock. "Seriously?"

He frowned. "What? Is there something wrong that?"

"Yes," Lyra nodded. "One: You're a pegasus. And two: I'm not seeing any missing wings on you, pal. What's the excuse for needing an airplane?"

"There was no need at all," Monkey scoffed as he tightened the chin strap. "I simply wanted one, and then I worked hard to learn how to fly one, and then I bought one for myself." He gave her an impetuous smirk. "If life was all about the necessities, we'd still be in the stone age, ma'am."

He looked down at Henry from his perch on the wing. "So, how about you we cut the chitchat and you and your son hop on up here? There's a spare seat for a copilot. What do you say? Care for a few laps around ship?"

Lyra gasped. "Nooooo. Really? You're not just trying to hit on me again, are you?"

Deflating, the stallion groaned. "No, ma'am. I made a mistake once, and I'm not going to repeat it. Consider this my way of making up for it."

Lyra chuckled and nodded. "Well, when you put it that way... Why not? How about it, Henry? Want to fly in an airplane?"

Henry shook his head. "N-no, thank you."

Lyra knew about his fear of heights, but was determined to push him out of his comfort zone like a good mother should. "C'mon, Henry. We'll be enclosed inside the cockpit. It'll be perfectly safe."

The colt shook his head again. "I'd rather not."

"I'll hold onto you whole time," Lyra persisted, nuzzling him warmly. "I promise, your mother would never let you fall. You trust me, right?"

Yeah, it was a low tactic. Pulling that card on a little colt was just plain manipulative. But she felt in necessary.

Henry folding back his ears and nodded. "O-okay, mom. I... I do trust you."

Lyra hugged him tightly.

"You promise I won't fall?" her son asked in a quiet voice. Lyra chuckled and nodded.

"Of course I do, Henry. Mommy will never let you go."

Moments later they had taken their seats. Lyra got the chair whilst Henry got her lap with her hooves rapped snuggly about his barrel. She had even given him the copilot aviator cap that Monkey had offered them. It was a little too big for him, but it seemed to boost his courage some. Though he didn't know it, he was making her very proud.

Putting down his radio, Monkey turned around and gave them both a nod. "Alrighty. We just got cleared for takeoff. Are you both strapped in?" His two passengers nodded. "Alright, hang on, you're going to feel a little jolt."

He lied. There was a big jolt as his plane lurched forward. Lyra cried out and squeezed her son, who was gasping in terror. This only worsened when they reached the end of the ship's runway and dropped over the edge. Lyra was good to her promise, never letting go once. Henry, however, couldn't have cared less, as he was frozen in terror. A moment later, Monkey pulled up and leveled out the plane.

"Why would you do that?" Lyra finally managed to scream as she tried to keep her son from hyperventilating. "It's obvious he's scared of heights. That was completely unnecessary."

"Because, flying is like swimming ma'am," Monkey explained, dancing between apologetic and assertive. "It's better to jump right in then to slowly wade in."

"He can't swim either," Lyra scowled while she firmly patted the colt's cheek as he eased his breathing. While she feel like ordering him to turn the plane around and report him to the captain, she also wanted to see if she could get her colt to calm down and enjoy the ride. "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if my baby has any nightmares about this, I'll be coming for you."

"Duly noted, ma'am," the stallion nodded, beginning a gradually assent to be level with the airship's railing. "I promise to take the rest of it much slower, ma'am."

"You'd better," Lyra snapped. She turned back to Henry. "It's going to be okay, baby. He's just a big dumby, he didn't mean to frighten you." That made Monkey snort indignantly, but a low growl quickly shut him up. "Are you okay, Henry?"

Henry was shaking. At first, she thought he might be sobbing, then he burst out laughing, a great big smile on his face. He beamed up at her, his eyes sparkling behind the oversized goggles.

"I... I'm flying, mom," he gasped, breathing deeply. "I'm really flying. Aren't I?"

Stunned, Lyra sniffed, feeling a few tears threaten to escape. She nodded. "Yes, baby. You're really flying."

"I always thought it supposed to be scary," the colt went on to say. "Like it was just supposed to be falling with style, or something like that. But... but... but it's just not."

Lyra laughed aloud at his discombobulated wording. "That's right, Henry. It's not. Would you like to look out the window?"

"Canopy," Monkey corrected her, eliciting a snort from the mare.

"I'll show you a can of peas," she muttered as she hoisted the colt up just enough so that he could peer out over the wing. He gazed out over the horizon in wonder, eyes sparkling. Then he looked down and promptly pushed himself back into Lyra's lap, a nervous smile on his face.

"Too much too soon?" Lyra asked. He nodded. She patted his head. "It's okay, baby. We'll take it slow."

She emphasized the word "slow" so hard that it made Monkey flinch as though she had struck him. He made a mental note not to try this mare's patience again in the future. Probably already went too far as it was.


*	*	*


(1) Fun fact: pegasi hate windmills. Nothing ruins a good flight like a forest of giant spinning blades.
(2) That means that the propeller is on the back, instead of the front of the plane.
> -81- Honey and Peaches
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, would you like me to do a barrel roll before we land?" Monkey asked his passengers.

"Is that where you spin really fast?" Henry asked nervously. He loved the flying, but he didn't want to do anything too frightening.

"Common misconception," the stallion laughed. "That's an aileron roll. A barrel roll is where you make wide loops in the air as though you were skimming along the inside of a barrel."

"Oh," Henry nodded, understanding most of that. "W-will we be flying upside down still?"

Monkey nodded. "Just for a little bit."

Now the colt seemed conflicted, a gentle hoof through his mane reassured him. "Don't worry, Henry. I promised not to let you go."

The colt looked up into his adopted mother's eyes and nodded. "Okay. It'll be... fun?"

"You got that right, kid," Monkey chuckled as he began to put some more distance between them and the airship. One he deemed they were a safe distance away, he began picking up speed and arching his plane in an upward angle. He could practically hear his passengers tense up as he angled the assent steeper and steeper.

Henry felt as though he were moments away from panicking as he felt gravity shift around him. He felt heavy. Really Heavy. His mother held him tighter, and he could feel her heart start to beat a little faster. He dared not make a sound, though the pressure he felt in his chest probably would have made it come out as a girly squeak. He was also grateful he hadn't drank a lot of water that day. Come to think of it, they didn't even have breakfast, and it was way past lunch by now.

Lyra herself was glad she had an empty bladder. She only prayed she wasn't crushing her son as the climb made her more and more tense. But she had to keep up a brave face for her colt. Butterflies were flapping in her stomach something awful, but she just clenched her teeth and kept her eyes wide open above her forced grin.

Soon enough they were upside down and staring at the ocean, which made the two non-winged ponies suck in a deep breath. They seemed to hang there forever, unable to look away from the long drop. Then came the descent.

Both Lyra and Henry shrieked in terror as the plane arched downwards at an alarming rate. Monkey, however, was laughing his head off as he listened to their reactions.

Though, it was fascinating to both non-flying ponies. As they descended, they experienced a sensation of weightlessness that made Henry's cap seem to float off his head, and Lyra's mane lifted in an eerie fashion. But, of course, this only lasted a few seconds.

Monkey had leveled out the plane again and everything fell back into place. Well, Henry's cap was a little askew, but that was quickly corrected.

"Well?" Monkey inquired, looking back to give his passengers a broad smile. "How was that?"

"Again," henry shrieked wildly, clapping his hooves. This surprised both adults, but Monkey complied nonetheless. Twice more he performed barrels rolls, and twice more did the mother and son scream in terror with smiles on their faces. It was like a roller coaster ride without any tracks.

"Well, we're getting a little low on fuel, folks," the pegasus finally had to admit, much to his guest's disappointment. "This will conclude today's flying."

After landing, Henry practically oozed out of the cockpit once the canopy had been opened. He fell upon the wing and then slid off onto the deck. Lyra was quick to see if he was alright, but then she noticed the goofy grin on his face.

"That was awesome," Henry chuckled, making his mother smile. "But, let's never do that again... like... ever. Oaky?"

"I'll think about, sweetie," Lyra kissed his nose and helped him back onto his hooves. "I'm so proud of you today, Henry."

"Aw, mom, not in public," Henry smiled a bit before developing a small fit of dry heaves.

The unicorn promptly began patting his back. "That's it. Let it all out, kiddo."

"'Ey, mifta, a' yu giffen poniff widef in yu pwetty pwane?" A chubby little unicorn filly had seemingly appeared from nowhere, skidding clumsily across the tarmac as if in a race for her life. Well, except for the broad smile that adorned her freckled, dark honey face. The poor thing tripped over her own hooves and began tumbling rapidly in the their direction. Bouncing, even.

She came to stop when Lyra snatched her up in her hooves. "Whoa. Easy there, small fry."

The filly just gave her a lopsided, toothy smile and twisted about in the grip until she was looking at Monkey. "I faw yu flying wiff dese uffer poniff. Can mi and mi mama haff a wide too?"

The pegasus couldn't help but smile as he apologized. "Awe. Not now, little filly. I need to refuel and do a little maintenance after all those stunts I pulled. I'm sorry if that upsets you."

The little unicorn frowned a bit. "Ah. It'f okay, mifta. I juf wan'ed mi mama to haf fun. Fhe be fo fad fince her affident."

Having recovered some, Henry gave the filly a curios tilt of his head. "What's wrong with your voice?"

That earned him a tap on the nose and a disapproving glare from Lyra. "Henry. Apologize, now."

"I'm sorry," he quickly replied, folding his ears back. "It's just that... you sound kind of like my sis... new sister... Twist. Only a bit more..."

The filly giggled, cutting him off and surprising the adult unicorn. "I know. It'f weiwd. Mi mama fayf I ned pwactife talking. Fhe twyf teafhing me. I've gotten mufh bedda too. That'f what mi mama tellf mi."

Lyra blinked and gave the filly a tiny squeeze. Almost like toy, the filly squealed in delight. "Ah. Such a sweetie little Filly. You must be the brightest little star in your mama's sky. What's your name?"

"Precious, where are you? Please don't run off like that. You know mommy can't keep up," a voice called out, causing Lyra's head to whip around in its direction as her pupils shrank to pinpricks.

"No," she found herself gasping as she set the filly down next to Henry. She stood up onto all fours and watched as a mare came into view.

Staggering, actually, a unicorn mare with peach fur and a strawberry mane rounded a stack of crates, looking about frantically. Then she spotted the filly of her distress. "Oh. There you are, Precious. Stay put this time, please."

"You!" Lyra shrieked, lunging across the gap between them so that she was nose-to-nose with this new mare. The mare was scared out of her wits by the sudden action, lowering herself until her belly almost touched the deck. By this point, the mint unicorn was baring her teeth and growling. "What are you doing here?"

"I-I-I was l-looking f-for my daughter," the peach mare gulped and whimpered. "Who are you? I'm sorry if we caused any trouble. I accept full responsibility for any damage caused."

"Like you did when you got my brother killed?" Lyra shouted so loud that it echoed about the hanger, causing all work to come to a standstill.

The mare looked aghast and paled a substantial amount as the words rang in her ears. After a moment, a spark of recognition ignited a memory in her head. "Lyra? L-little Lyra Heartstrings? Is that you?"
> -82- Mothers and Their Children
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The peach mare began to sob brokenly, causing Lyra to take a step back in surprise. Her anger was quick to melt away into confusion as great big tears rolled down the mare's cheeks.

"What are you doing here?" the mare demanded in a cracked voice. "I had moved on. I was finally picking my life back up. Are you here just to bring it crashing back down upon my head?"

Lyra gaped, confused. "W-what? No. What are you talking about? I hardly expected to find you here. Heck, I never wanted to see you again... ever."

The peach mare looked about ready to reply, but just burst into a new fit of sobs. Great Big tears fell upon the tarmac as her body visibly shook.

"I was never expecting to see you again either, but... but this... this is not how I would have thought it going," Lyra found herself saying with wide eyes and a rather uncomfortable feeling in her chest. "I probably would thought it'd be full of more name calling and threats."

"What do you mean?" the peach mare sniffed, looking up from the deck to the mint unicorn. "How can you say that? I never wanted him to die. I was devastated when I heard that. I just wanted to... to... I don't even know anymore. I'm so sorry for what I've done, even if that doesn't really mean anything. It can't ever bring him back."

Lyra didn't know what to say. She plopped her plot down upon the ground and looked at the space between her and the peach mare. "W-what am I doing? This isn't me... I'm not... I'm not... I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster." She sniffed and searched for her son.

He was right where she'd left him, holding back the chubby little filly who was struggling to rush to her mother's aid. "For goodness' sake, Henry, let her go. That's no way for a gentlecolt to act."

Henry shook his head worriedly. "Y-you're mad. It's not good for kids to get between angry grown ups."

"We're not angry, Henry, just very... very upset," Lyra sighed, grateful to find that her son was protecting the filly. She silently scorned herself for thinking ill of his intentions. "Let her go, sweetie."

"You won't yell at her?" Henry asked carefully, his grip beginning to loosen about the struggling filly's barrel.

The mint mare shook her head. "Of course not. I'm... I'm not a monster."

Taking a moment to think it over, Henry let the filly go. She promptly stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at him before rushing over to her mother.

"Mama, why waf tha' mean mare yelling at you?" she demanded, giving Lyra an incredibly dirty look. Her mother was quick to engulf her in a hug.

"She's just very upset, Precious," the mare comforted her filly with a sniff.

"Bu', that doeff't mean fhe can yell at yu," the filly groused. "That'f juff mean."

Her mother was about to reply, but was cut off buy the good doctor.

"That's right, little filly," Lyra sniffed as she rubbed her eyes with the crook of her leg. "I shouldn't have yelled at your mother. That was wrong of me. It's just been... years, since we've last seen each other."

The filly tilted her head to the side. "Were yu fwiendf? If yu were fwiendf, then why yu yelling at mi mama?"

Lyra couldn't help but smile at the innocent way the filly came to that conclusion. "Uh... not really. Just passing acquaintances... with some special history."

"Wha'?" The filly twisted her head in a comical position and just stared.

Lyra shook her head as she gathered up her son, placing behind her neck. "This isn't the time or place for this. We should... meet again sometime... when we've collected ourselves."

The peach mare did the same with her filly, nodding in agreement. "Yes. I-I would like that. Although... even if I waited several lifetimes... I still wouldn't really know what to say."

"Neither would I... apparently," Lyra sighed despairingly. "Just... just go. Anywhere. I'm taking my son to find our cabin."

Wordlessly, the two mare parted ways, leaving a lone pegasus to his own devices. Namely, the short-wave radio.

"Yes, sir," Monkey spoke into the microphone in a hushed voice. "They met, just as you said they would. But, it didn't go down quite like you had planned. It actually ended rather peacefully."

He cringed as the person on the other end shouted through the headphones he was wearing. "Hey. Why are you blaming me? I've done everything exactly like you told me to. It's not my fault if ponies don't behave like you say they will." He waited for the other to reply. "Apology accepted, sir. Now. What is the next step... well, would you kindly refresh my memory, boss?"

He rolled his eyes during the long complaint that issued next. "Very clever, sir. Using my name to complete a vulgar euphemism. Bravo. Now. What's the next step."

He nodded as the instructions were passed to him. "Okay. I can do that. Easy enough. I can take care of that after I deliver the cells. Speaking of which... that kid of hers is something else." He paused a moment for his employer to process that. "What do I mean? Well, he counted the cells and concluded that one was missing. I mean, now that I think about it... forty-nine? That really does seem off. It's as if you're trying to tell everybody that one's missing. For now, anyway. Couldn't we have made a false one to make it less obvious?"

He suppressed a deep groan as his boss replied. "Oh, yeah. All part of your master plan. As you've said many times before. Can't we ever just, you know... skip with the dramatics?" He listened. "Apparently not. Okay. Here's the deal. I'm hanging up now so I can get on with the job."

With that, despite his boss' protests, he unplugged the radio and slipped out the cockpit to run maintenance up his plane.
> -83- The Rewards of Trust
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tell me about your family, Henry."

The colt had been eyeing the fresh-baked meal of seafood, warm bread, and salad his mother had ordered from room service. She had even gone so far as to order his favorite dessert as well. Cinnamon rolls.

He looked up at her and drooped his ears to the sides of his head. "Huh? Why? I don't exist to them."

Lyra nodded, feeling a small twinge in her chest. This was a hard subject to converse with a quantum orphan. "Yeah... but, it's still a good idea to talk about them."

"What about your family?" Henry asked her in an attempt to divert the attention. "Your real family."

"Hey, mama and papa just as physically tangible you and I," the mint mare responded weakly in an attempt at humor. She sighed and shook her head. "Sorry, that was cheesy. No, kiddo, that wouldn't work."

"Why not?"

"Because," she rubbed the back of her neck, "other than my brother. I don't remember them."

The colt's eyes widened in horror. "What? I-is that going to happen to me too?"

"Not if you really try to remember them," Lyra reassured him. "I was much younger than you were when I came to this world. So, I had even fewer memories of them. They all just faded away with time." She gave him a kind smile. "I don't want that to happen to you. You probably have so many good memories with them. I can help you write them down so you won't forget."

She reached into her saddlebags, which lay close by, and pulled out a note book and a pen. Following the doctor's orders, she opted to write with her mouth like the rest of the pony population. "We can talk and eat."

Henry looked down thoughtfully. Silence reigned for a moment. Well, long enough that, when he did speak, Lyra almost jumped. "My brothers didn't like me."

"Elaborate," Lyra instructed him as she raised the notebook to begin writing. "How do you mean they didn't like you?"

"They... um," he halted as he thought of what to say next.

"It's okay," his mother urged him softly. "Let it come as it comes."

"Well, they once drew pictures of me dying and being unhappy," he quickly blurted out, turning his head to the side and frowning.

The pen dropped out of the unicorn's mouth as she stared wide-eyed at her son. "What? No-no-no. Y-you can't be serious."

"I knew you wouldn't believe me," Henry muttered in a low voice.

"I never said that," Lyra scolded him. "I'm just... well, disgusted. Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"Y-you weren't my mom then," he replied in an even lower voice, lowering his head.

"Well, did you at least tell your mother? Your human mother, I mean." The good doctor cleared her throat and retrieved her pen.

"They lied to her, she believed them, and I got in trouble," her explained quickly and sharply with a sniff.

"I-I can't... I'm sorry, Henry, but, how can I believe that?" Lyra asked him, unable to wrap her head around this revelation. "Didn't she see the pictures they drew?"

Despite the topic, Henry managed to smile. "They always sucked at drawing stuff. My little brother, John, drew people like potatoes with arrows sticking out of them. And my older brother, Nate, couldn't draw anything but... square... stuff. Like..."

"All angles and edges?" Lyra suggested. The colt nodded after some thought.

"Yeah, that."

"Why would they do that, Henry?" Lyra asked, hoping to get to the root of the problem.

"Because I didn't like getting in trouble," Henry answered. "I always tried to stay out of trouble, or, at least, fix things before mom and dad found out. Messed up, mostly. They made fun of me for that."

"Some rather 'interesting' sibling rivalry," the anthropologist said, writing that down. She would have asked him why he hadn't mentioned this sooner, but she understood it was taking a lot of trust for him to open up like this now. "Anything else?"

"They would tells lies about me to the other kids."

"Such as?"

"I don't know." Henry admitted.

"Then how do you know they were telling lies about you?" Lyra raised an eyebrow.

"Because they never wanted to be friends with me, just with my brothers," Henry explained darkly.

"That doesn't mean they were telling lies about you," Lyra gave him a sympathetic expression. "Maybe they... um. Well... it's been a while since I've been a kid, but, surely it wasn't that bad."

"You're a grown-up, of course you don't get it," Henry groaned slumping his shoulders. "I could count all the friends I've ever had on my hooves." He sat up and raised his hooves to demonstrate. "There was Jerry and Ben. That's it. Those are the only friends I had back on earth."

Lyra blinked as she digested this information. "Can you tell me about them? Your friends, I mean."

Henry slowly nodded and started with Jerry, telling her some of the adventures they had been on. Stories about how his friend lived on a farm, and when he went to visit they would explore the property. His friend's family had even gotten to like him so much that they invited him on some of their vacations. Usually to the beach. How they had made plans to find a lost world of dinosaurs to bring back and start a circus so they could live the rest of their lives as millionaires.

By the time he was done, it had put quite the smiles on both their faces.

"And what about Ben?" Lyra asked, genuinely excited to hear about this other friend.

"Well, as for Ben," Henry began, holding up the hoof that apparently represented Ben. "He and I used to... well, we would... Um." He stopped right there and gazed at his hoof, as though expecting it to give him words to say. "He was... nice to me. He didn't make fun of me. He... he... he wasn't really a friend, was he?"

He looked to his mother for some confirmation.

"I can't answer that," Lyra apologized pitifully. "I'm sorry, Henry."

The colt lowered the hoof and raised the other that represented Jerry. "I guess I only ever had one friend. And... I'll never see him again."

The mint mare was quick to close the distance between them and pull him into a hug. "No. That's not true. You've got lots of friends now, Henry. You can't deny that."

"I have them now," Henry sniffed, not crying, just feeling sad. "But, where were they then?"

"Waiting for you here," Lyra quickly replied, though she felt it was a rather cheesy thing to say.

"That was corny," Henry chuckled weakly. Apparently he agreed. He nestled into her chest. "Can we talk about something else?"

Lyra nodded and nuzzled the top of his head. "Of course, Henry. How about your parents?"

"Well, whenever one of us would do something wrong, dad would gather us all to talk about capital punishment."

"I really wish you had brought this up a month or so ago," Lyra sighed wearily. Just like that, Lyra knew how the remainder of the already stressful voyage was going to be. Childish exaggeration or not, these were some deep-seated issues that needed to be taken care of.
> -84- A Twist of Luck
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What'th with the thilly hat?" Twist asked as she munched upon a slice of buttered homemade bread. Twilight Velvet made some good bread, creating flavors Twist never even knew existed.

Velvet looked up from drawing a triangle on the marble floor with chalk to the conical hat that rested upon her head. Yes, the stereotypical hat of sorcerers and conjurers was resting upon the mage's healthy skull. "My thaum-o-tronic? Oh, it helps unicorn's control their magic easier by slowing down the thaumaturgic energy emitted by our horns to help us concentrate on more complex spells."

"Ooooh... what?" Twist deadpanned, taking a sarcastic bite from her toast.

Velvet sighed and slapped a hoof to her brow. "Sorry. Years of raising a little genius has conditioned me. Ahem. It slows down my magic as it leaves my horn so that I can make sure I perform the spell correctly. It helps us unicorns as we get older."

"Oh, now I get it," the filly smiled. "It'th like your magic is water and your trying to hold it with fabric, but the water thtill gets out."

"Sort of," Velvet giggled as she went back to completing the triangle. "But, I think of it as being air. You know, like when little colts and fillies try and sneak through the house at night to steal cookies? They sometimes try to mask their breathing with cloth when they know their parents are up. Right?"

"Uuuuummm... nnnoooo," Twist looked away and pretended to examine the wall as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Velvet chuckled and gave her a wink. "Not to worry, Twist. I won't tell anypony. Especially because they probably already know."

The filly's ears drooped to the side and she nibbled thoughtfully upon her toast.

"Now, please stand back, Twist," the mare continued as she reached out with her magic and grabbed a silk bag that had been set to the side, turned it upside down, and unceremoniously dumped its contents inside of the triangle. "This will only be a minor inconvenience before we can get back to making enchanted sweets. Sound good?"

To help divert the fillies mind from her absent family, Velvet had quickly taken to figuring out Twist's cutie mark and then took to helping her practice her talent with some Canterlot delicacies. The singing strawberry ones were her personal favorite, while Twist preferred the kind that changed flavors. It was doing a good job in helping her cope with being alone in a stranger's house.

"Tho, um, what ith that?" the filly asked as she took a tentative step towards the triangle, only to be gently pushed back by Velvet's magic. "Ith it dangerouth?"

Velvet chuckled. "Heavens, no. Under what circumstances would I allow you to be in the same room as a dangerous artifact? Much less the same house?" Tossing the silk bag aside, she adjusted her hat and cleared her throat. "It's just an ancient alarm system from the Youwouldn'treallycare Era for the Youreallywouldn'tcare Empire. It's was designed to alert guards of intruders."

"How?"

"By giving them a horrible case of the hiccups," Velvet responded simply. She noticed the disbelief on the filly's face. "I'm serious, Twist. Rather than fill the walls with crossbows, giant rolling stones, or some other kind of ridiculous trap, they looked for ways to make the intruders reveal themselves. There were several kinds causing their victims all kinds of maladies, all the way from crying like a baby to yodeling like a deranged lunatic."

Twist giggled at the thought of an army of guards chasing a yodeling pony throughout the interior of an ancient palace. She also imagined the yodeling pony in a jailstriped lederhosen, but that wasn't really important. "That'th thilly."

"But effective nonetheless," Velvet pointed with a nod. "Much better than accidentally setting off your own traps while on a trip to the bathroom. That's how the Second Diamond Dog Dynasty came to an end."

Twist decided not to inquire further down this road. "Tho, why do you have it?"

"Because I'm on a registry of unicorns who volunteer to disenchant artifacts before they're shipped off to museums, colleges, or auctions."

"Oh," Tiwst blinked and looked at the triangle a moment. "Thhouldn't that be a thircle?"

"It would be," Velvet nodded. "If not for the fact that the emperor of the empire of that era had decided to make circles illegal. Odd, right?"

"Not really," Twist shook her head, finishing off her toast and licking away the crumbs from her hooftips. "When Trithie took over Ponyville, thhe outlawed wheelth."

Velvet stared at the filly a moment and blinked. "Okay. I'm going to make a note of that and send it to my daughter for further study."

"Altho, why ith it thhaped like a...?"

"Because the emperor was also a perverted old deviant," Velvet quickly cut the filly off in a voice slightly louder than she had intended. She blushed and cleared her throat. "Ahem. Alright, Twist, just be mature about it for a few more seconds, then I can shove it back in the bag again and ship it off."

Sadly, Velvet got the shape wrong and the disenchantment backfired, giving both her and Twist a bad case of the hiccups apiece for several hours. An easy mistake, as there were many shapes besides circles. And yet, this does not conclude their part in the story.
> -85- Secrets Go Splat
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, it was your mom who taught you how to fight?" Lyra asked, bemused, as she and her son walked down the gangplank.

The colt nodded, standing up on his hind legs and throwing a couple mock punches to demonstrate. "Yeah. See, I used to twist my fists... when I had hands, like this whenever I threw a punch." He demonstrated for her in a rather comical fashion. "So she taught me to keep my fists straight so I wouldn't hurt myself."

Lyra laughed at his cute display. "Well, good for you. That's one lesson that's gonna benefit you for life."

Dropping to all fours, he gave her a grin. "Really?"

"Really really," Lyra nodded in assurance, tussling his mane in the fashion he never seemed to get used to. His annoyed expression was all too precious. "And, come summer, I'll be signing you up for some self-defense lessons."

His mouth dropped open in shock and his eyes sparkled. "Really?"

Lyra rolled her eyes with a sigh. "Again, really. Learning to defend yourself and your loved ones is very important. I dare say slightly more important than school." She noticed the new look on his face. "But that, by no means, means that you're getting out of school, kiddo."

"Ahhh," Henry groaned, disappointed.

"Don't worry, that won't be until spring," the mint mare reassured him. "Besides. Cheerilee's a good teacher who understands the difference between colts and fillies. How else can you explain how Snails is a straight A student?"

That caused Henry to pause. "Him? Are you talking about the Snails I think your talking about?"

She nodded. "Yep. Cheerliee's quite the multitasker when it comes to educating her little students. That lanky colt's going places... once he matures a bit more."

Henry made a thoughtful sound and then leapt upon his mother's back. "So, um, uh... where are we going?"

"To a doctor's appointment," Lyra stated, adjusting her shoulders a bit.

"A doctor's appointment? What doctor?"

"Why, me, of course," Lyra chuckled. "When you're a doctor, every appointment you go to is a doctor's appointment. Never thought about that, now did you?"

"I thought you were an antrpolu... polu...gift," Henry butchered the word quite expertly.

"Anthropologist, dear," she corrected him kindly. "And, yes, I am Lyra Heartstrings, a doctor of anthropology. Kind of a pointless degree, due to recent events. But, at least I got you out of the deal, huh?"

The colt's only response was to squeeze the back of her head in a fond embrace.

The Western Isles. Not like the book... much. Sure, there was still an active volcano on one and another appeared to be covered entirely in spider webs, but... it wasn't as dark as Darkest Darkness had written. Well, that could have been because the airship had docked at a tower that poked quite a ways above the leafy canopy below.

It was always weird to step on solid ground after being aboard a boat for an extended length of time. Four days certainly qualified.

"Woah," Lyra muttered as her hooves touched the concrete. "Feels good to be on solid ground again. Albeit, the kind of solid ground nightmares are made of."

"So, are we gonna find Daring Do?" Henry asked, giving his hat a quick check. The card was tucked away in the band that lined the interior of the rim. He stuck it back on his head and looked about for a pegasus in a pith helmet.

"Probably our best bet," she responded her a curt nod. "C'mon, work that earth pony magic and have her meet us here, kiddo. Oof. Oops, sorry about... uh...um..."

The pegasus mare shook the stars from her eyes and coughed politely. "No-no. My fault. I tend to run into things head on. Hehe. Get it? Because I'm..."

"Daring Do," both Lyra and Henry cried out in unison.

"That's me," the adventurous mare proudly confirmed, putting a hoof over her heart. "Sorry, can't stop to chat. I'm here to meet the winner of... a special contest." She paused a moment to give Lyra a quick onceover. "Have we met? You look very familiar to me."

"Well, I have been featured in media before," Lyra smiled back as she proceeded to fish her son off her back. "But, first, I believe my son has..."

"Lyra Heartstrings, that's it," Daring stopped a hoof triumphantly. "You're Lyra. Duh. Been a while, hardly recognized you."

"So you do know who I am," Lyra smiled, slightly abashed at the recognition from the world's foremost archaeologist.

"Of course. Your parents talk about you all the time," Daring chuckled, reaching out to pat the colt's head absentmindedly. The long silence that followed made got awkward fast. "Um, hello?"

"You know my parents?" Lyra managed to ask around her limp jaw.

Daring blinked. "They never told you about me?"

"I think I would remember if they did."

The pegasus sat down with a plop and rubbed her head, looking a little lost. "Seriously? But, we're good friends. Why wouldn't they tell you about me and my freelance work with the Equestrian government. You're their daughter for crying out loud."

"My parents don't work for the government, they own toy stores," Lyra blurted out, sitting down as well. "Y-you have to be making a mistake."

Daring shook her head. "Lyra Heartstrings, daughter of the Canterlot thestrals Mercury Melody and Baritone Bass. World renowned anthropologist and graduate of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." She released a frustrated breath and huffed. "Why would they keep you in the dark like that? That's like... like... uh..."

"One of the stupidest tropes in the book?" the mint unicorn suggested, looking equally frustrated.

"Exactly," Daring nodded. "And, as a writer, I should know. When I see them again, I am so giving them an earful about doing such an irresponsible thing."

"No need," Lyra said, shaking her head. "I think I've got enough to say for the two of us."

Henry, on the other hoof, had different thoughts in mind.

"Grandma and grandpa are spies? That's so cool." He clapped his hooves together in glee as he sat between the upset pair.

The mares couldn't help but give a couple small smiles at his coltish innocence.
> -86- Out in the Midday Sun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Two medium poco berries and a small faux nut shake," Daring instructed the milkshake vender.

"This... isn't so bad," Lyra, who stood off to the side with Henry, mentioned as she looked about the colony. The Colt was more fixated on the milkshake vender, panting under the sweltering heat that was due to the Western Isles residing on the equator. Quite the substantial difference from the winter back in Equestria. Thankfully, he had his hat.

"So, Mark Smith is out on an expedition at the moment?"

Daring nodded. "Yeah. Practically every day. I mean, really, even I take breaks every now and then. He's a machine. Goes out, and then comes back with a new treasure or specimen just about each time."

"Anything interesting?" the unicorn asked as she decided her son had had enough sun and moved him beneath her barrel for some much needed shade.

"Only just about everything," Daring smirked as she paid and thanked the vendor once he finished the milkshakes. She passed Henry the small faux nut as he seemed to need it the most. "It's the Western Isles, only one person has ever explored it before us. Though, unfortunately, we've not found the remains of Darkest Darkness. He was my grandfather, you know."

Lyra nodded. "Yeah. I read that in a newspaper article that explained you were joining Mr. Smith's expedition. So, does adventuring run in the family?"

Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, Daring sucked on her straw for a moment. "Nah. Granny told me he was the weird colt with the unshakable wanderlust of his family. Absolutely drove his mother to tears on many an occasion. Didn't make granny's life much of a picnic either from the stories she told."

"What can you do?" Lyra sighed, thinking that over. "Once a stallion's heart is set on something... he'll, um... well, I'm sure there's a clever saying that starts like that." She gave an awkward cough, having been so sure she had something profound to say. "Excuse me. So, were you inspired by your grandfather's work?"

Daring signaled them to follow her to a more shaded area. "Ah that's better. Gettin' out of the heat. To answer your question... yes. But it was met with lots of resistance from my family." She struck a comical pose. "'No, young Do, adventuring is the lifestyle of meanderers and fools.' 'What you need is a real job, one that will build character.' 'Now-now, no fussing.' 'You'll thank us when you're older.'"

Lyra watched the pegasi's milkshake wearily as the mare looked about ready to chuck. But she didn't, like a sensible pony.

"Wasted eight freakin' months at a door factory," she slumped at the withers and sucked hard on her straw to cool off. "All day I would stand in one place, picking up a door, setting it on a table, make sure it looked pretty, and then setting it on another pile. Didn't help any that, in my first month there, there was a racist earth pony who would harass me." She gave a strange smile here. "That is... until he got fired. Not saying I had anything to do with it, but, if I did, it might account for how much my mood improved for a at least a couple more months.

"About as exciting as it ever got there," she sighed afterwards. "So... eight months later, I quit. I'd accumulated quite a bit of money by that point, thanks to my thrifty nature. That does run in the family by the way. And what do I do with it all?"

Lyra and Henry listened as the mare paused, staring at them. Staring. Henry was the first to catch on.

"What did you do with all?" he asked reluctantly, wanting her to continue the story.

Daring lowered her head so that her pith hat covered her face. "My dad convinced me to spend it all on creating a publishing company."

"Oh," Lyra chirped brightly. "So that's when you got into writing stories?"

"No," Daring hissed a bit louder than she intended. "Eep. Sorry. No. I wanted to build a peddle-powered airplane. I know, it sounds weird, me, a pegasus, wanting to build an airplane. Am I right?"

Lyra and Henry shook their heads. "Not at all."

"What? Really?" the other mare asked, genuinely shocked. "Okay... was not expecting that. At all. I'll continue. Anyway... I sunk thousands and thousands of bits into that company and nothing happened. I failed. And I knew that I would, because nobody wants to publish anything under some unknown publisher."

"If you knew it was going to fail, then why do it?" Henry asked as he licked some of the milkshake off his lips. Daring looked aside, almost shamefully.

"Because, my father decided to go bragging to everyone he met about how his daughter was going to start a publishing company," she said in a quitter tone. "I had never even voiced such an idea. but, what could I do? He had told all his friends and family all about this great thing we were going to do. 'We'. As if he actually ever put a single bit of effort or gold into actually setting it up. I was trapped by not wanting to make him look like an idiot."

She set her milkshake on the ground arched her back to stretch some. "But, once it was all said and done, and I was bankrupt, my father voiced his disappointment. Not so much in me, but in the fact that he no longer had an outlet where he could easily have his book published. So... there I realized it. It wasn't about me. It all about him and that stupid book of his. I felt betrayed to make things simple."

"Ooh," Lyra cringed a bit at hearing that last bit. "I can imagine. Finding out my parents have been keeping me in the dark my whole life was fairly eye-opening. But, that. That's just low. So, what'd you do?"

"Ran away," Daring shrugged. "Far away. Far far far away. Kind of a small adventure prerequisite to my first book. I'll write it down some day."

Lyra placed a hoof upon her son's back, rubbing softly. "I hope I never get so deluded as to put my own son through that."

"What happened to your mom and dad?" Henry asked, having abandoned his straw and was now shoving his muzzle into the cup.

Daring smiled. "Ah. Wanting to know the whole story. I like it, kid. I reconciled with them years ago. We keep in contact, mainly by mail. But, I do visit every now and then. I've got some nieces and nephews who look up to me after all."

"That's good," Henry nodded, looking a little sad. "I can't see my family anymore. Er, my human family, I mean. Cause I don't exist anymore and stuff. There's a lot I'd like to say sorry for."

"There's a lot I'd like them to say sorry for," Lyra muttered under breath before she tried to explain what her son meant about not existing.

"You're aligned?" Daring asked, beating the unicorn to the punch. "Dang... my condolences, kid. That's pretty rough."

"You know about the aligned?" Lyra asked, rather surprised. "I usually have to explain that."

Daring shrugged. "Eh, I'm just full of surprises. Or, have you never read my books?"

"I haven't," Henry piped up.

"You get a free pass," the pegasus waved him off.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be reading them to him when we get back home," the unicorn said. "Have to keep my colt up to date on the modern classics."

"Good," Daring smirked with no hint of modesty.

The conversation seemed to trail off a bit after that, the three ponies opting to enjoy their milkshakes in the shade while they could. Then the little earth pony broke the silence.

"Why is this called a foe nut shake?" he asked, looking to his mother, who shrugged, not knowing the answer either. Daring was a different story.

"Because it's actually a fruit, meaning it's formed from a flower, but, it also has a hard outer shell, like a nut," Daring explained casually. "So, it may resemble a nut at first glance, but, in reality, it is a fruit. Therefore a faux, meaning 'mistaken', nut. Faux nut. And, from the way you're obliterating it, you must like it, right?"

He nodded. "Yep. It tastes kind of like vanilla and bananas and something else."

"That sound'f good, can I twy fum?" a familiar voice drew both mother and son's attention. The honey-colored chubby filly came to a wobbly halt just a short distance from the colt, giving him a most pleading doe-eyed expression. Walking hesitantly behind her was another, equally familiar figure.

"Precious, do not beg for food, mommy will feed you soon," the peach mare softly scolded her daughter, but her attention was mostly drawn towards Lyra. "M-Mrs. Heartstrings, I-I know I'm not really the pony you want to see right now, a-an-and..."

"What do you want?" Lyra asked in an even tone, casting a quick glance at her son, who seemed to be offering the filly some of his shake anyway. He was a proper gentlecolt, and she would have smiled, had it not been for the present company.

"I said 'no', Precious," the peach mare sighed, pulling the filly back just as she was about to take a bite. Goodness, it almost looked like she was ready to eat the entire cup. She cleared her throat and tried to assemble herself before continuing. "I... I just want to talk to you. Okay? I've been putting it off ever since we met on the ship."

"Here and now?" Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, but, if we're going to be exchanging any words, I'd rather there be no children present."

The peach unicorn shook her head. "No-no. Not now. I need to get Precious and I settled into our new home. But, yes, here, it'll be easy to remember, just a little south of the landing tower and close to the colony's wall. I should have everything in order by this evening..."

"Eight o'clock," Lyra huffed. "Though, I'll need to find a reliable babysitter for Henry."

"Oh, right," the other unicorn nodded. "I'll need to find one as well. Such short notice, though."

Suddenly, the two mares found themselves with a hoof wrapped about each of their necks.

"I'd love to, thanks for asking," Daring grinned, giving them both a gentle squeeze.

Lyra blinked. "You? Really?"

The frown the pegasus gave her could have turned Medusa to stone. "I happen to be very good with foals, thank you very much."

"But...," the peach mare started.

"Nuh-uh," Daring shushed her like a mother would a fussy infant. "There's obviously a lot of animosity between you two that needs to be worked out. I'll meet you all here at eight o'clock, as you both already decided, and take the foals on a tour. Ooh, the new observatory would probably be an excellent place. Foals still like stargazing these days right?"

She looked down at the two foals, who both just nodded.

"See? They're looking forward to it already," she released the two mares and brushed herself off in a Freudian fashion. "So, is it settled?"

The peach and mint unicorns looked at each other, then to the foals, then back at each, and then to the pegasus. With sigh and nod in near perfect unison, they agreed.

"Fine," Lyre said. "But make sure he doesn't get any sugar. He'll be going to bed as soon we're done."
> -87- Down the Bogey Hole
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"... And so, his blindness removed, the brave stallion wept bitter tears over the good mare. And, by the Maker's providence, those noble tears washed away the wicked witch's curse, stripping away the terrible ugliness she had born her entire life. But this meant nothing to the weeping stallion, for her spirit had departed from the... Hmm?"

Night Light looked up from the story book to see the little candy-maker's belly rise up and down beneath the covers as she softly snored. He smiled and lowered his voice as he gently rose from his cushion on the floor.

"... For her spirit had departed from the world. What good was her newfound beauty, if she could not be there with him now." The stallion did a quick once over of the bed to make sure the little filly was tucked in properly for the night. Picture window by the bed locked and the curtains drawn? Check. Shadowbox night light on? Check. No bogeys hiding under the bed? Check. "The poor stallion could not mourn long, however. The wicked witch had sent her most terrifying beast to yank this thorn from her side."

He turned the page and smiled. "And we'll pick it up tomorrow night with the next chapter... The Whackadoo's Trial. Goodnight, Twist."

After laying the book on the bedside dresser, he turned to leave, only to meet the eyes of his smiling wife. "Oh? Enjoy the story, love?"

Velvet chuckled softly. "You always were a good storyteller."

"Ah, you're just saying that because it's true," the stallion rolled his eyes good naturedly. "But, seriously. How long were you there?"

"Not long, just from the part where the blind knight was about to be skewered by the Phalaxzis," the mare responded, nuzzling his face. "That was always Twilight's favorite."

"You're telling me? I actually have the whole thing memorized. I just use the book for aesthetics."

Velvet giggled. "Come on. Let's leave the sweet thing to her rest. I need my great big teddy bear in order to get a proper night's sleep."

The door closed with a small click soon after, leaving the filly alone in the warm bed. The only sounds were the settling of the house, and the hypnotic patter of rain outside. Occasionally one might hear a particularly loud carriage pass by on the cobble streets, but those were few and far between.

Then there came a new noise. One that few little fillies and colts did not know.

Twist's eyes popped open the moment the tiny little scratching noises started. They sounded like they were coming from the closet, and slowly made their way to the foot of the bed as she listened. Then came the slight tugging at the sheets as the creature climbed atop the bed. The filly remained very still so as not to alert the creature to the fact she was aware of it.

Then the creature stopped a moment. Thinking. With a small chuckle, it took a great bit gulp of air and hissed in a low voice.

"Wakey-wakey, little lady." Twist opened her eyes and to gaze upon the beast illuminated by the light of the shadowbox. A gigantic mouth full of jagged teeth standing on four legs was about all one could do to describe it. "Tell me where the shinies are, or I'll eat you."

"Thtupid bogey," Twist yawned casually, grabbing her pillow and bringing it down atop of the creature. There was an almost comical noise of a deflating balloon as the bogey was squashed flat beneath the plush bludgeon. "Bogieth don't eat meat."

"Not true," the intruder's now high-pitched voice groaned from beneath the pillow. "Midge can chew it when it is very rotten and soft."

Twist lifted up the pillow and brought it down again, eliciting an uncomfortable moan from the bogey.

"Filly very mean to Midge. Let Midge go."

"No," Twist huffed, hitting it with the pillow again. It was very hard to tell the gender of bogies. "You woke me up. I wath having a good dream." FWOPP! "Auntie Lyra and my brother were back home, thafe." PIFF! "We were having a picnic." FOOF! "Daddy wath in charge of a cookout." BAPF! "And I wath about to get my firtht kithth from the cutetht colt in Ponyville, Truffle."

TAFF! MWAP! THIPH!

"And you ruined it."

With a heavy sigh, Twist collapsed atop the pillow, ensuring the bogey was trapped as she continued her train of thought. "Well, the barber thhop quartet battling thothe flying alligatorth wath a little thrange."

"Midge thinks this would be more meaningful if the pillow was not muffling filly's voice."

"Not like you care," Twist sniffed, feeling a down. She missed her family.

"On the contrary," Midge replied, "Midge cares very much if it means the little filly will let him go home."

So it was male. Twist didn't trust him. She hit him with the pillow again.

"Or just hit Midge. That's fine too."

For a brief moment, Twist considered dragging him to her temporary caregivers to let them sort him out. But, she didn't want to wake them in the middle of the night. Was it the middle of the night? The room was too dark to see the clock. Score one for digital technology. Then she looked at the picture window.

She reached under the pillow and pulled out the bogey. No longer puffed up with air, he now more resembled a large toad with two giant eyes. His naked skin was an ugly, wrinkled gray. The filly made a disgusted noise as she picked him up and moved over to pull the curtains apart.

"No!" he suddenly began squawking. Kicked and flailing about. Pointless, as a newborn kitten could have easily outmatched him and a dozen other bogies. "It is raining out there. Do not let Midge catch a cold."

Twist stopped just as she was about to unlatch the window. He may have been ugly, but his words did have some impact. After all, she wasn't heartless. "Ugh. Okay. How'd you get in?"

"Over there," the bogey point towards the closet. "There's a hole I can squeeze through."

Wordlessly, Twist hopped down off the bed, and trotted over to the closet. It wasn't really surprising a bogey got in the house of two high-level wizards. The pests could get in just about anywhere. A damaged plumbing pipe, a mouse hole, or even a crack in the floor. Some ponies were convinced that they were related to slimes in that way.

Opening the closet, and still clutching the bogey to make sure he didn't make a break for it, she looked about. "Where now?"

The bogey pointed to a corner where some dusty old filly coats were hanging. They must have belonged to Princess Twilight when she was just a foal. "Over there. Little loose boards that Midge squeezed between."

The filly slid the coats to the side and saw what Midge was talking about. One of the wooden panels had warped and pulled up the nails that held it in place. "Here?"

The bogey nodded. "Yes. Thank you for not ratting Midge out."

Twist rolled her eyes as she dropped him unceremoniously on the floor. "Whatever. Jutht tell your bogey friendth that this house doethn't have a filly they can thcare."

"Bogies don't have friends," Midge snipped as he crawled over to the warped board and gave it a little tug. A few more moments tugging and a tired filly was beginning to grow rather impatient. "Perhaps Midge could..."

"Here, let me," Twist grunted, batting the bogey's claws aside and working the tip of her hoof into the crack and giving it a firm tug. The entire panel popped away from the wall, nails and all. Twist set it aside and gave a defeated sigh. "You better not have jutht gotten me in trouble."

"That is not Midge's problem," the bogey said as he bolted into the hole and disappeared. "Good bye, filly."

Twist, tired and upset, lunged towards the hole in protest. "Hey. Get back here and help me ficth thith. I'm trying to be a good guetht in... wow, thith ith a big hole."

Indeed it was. The those two unicorns should really take a look at it. A very tired filly could easily fall down it if she were to overbalance herself while curiously trying to get a good look of how far down it went.

Poor Twist.

The little candy maker hardly had time to let out a terrified shriek as she plummeted into the darkness. At least Midge was there to break her fall.

Poor Midge.
> -88- The Soldier Down Below
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

With a final cry of "oof" Twist fell out of the twisted slippery slope of a hole she'd uncovered, promptly landing atop of the bogey that had gotten tangled up with her at some point during tumble trip. With a sound somewhere between a groan and a whine, the little filly rolled over onto her stomach and stood up on all fours to get a quick glance around.

"W-where are we?" she asked, frightened of the surrounding pitch darkness. She let out a terrified squeak when she heard something move beside her.

"In the down below," Midge answered in a disgruntled fashion.

The filly let out a sigh of relief. It was just the bogey. Good thing she didn't say that out loud. She was already scared and getting rather cold, no need to make her only, if reluctant, companion moodier than he already was. The last thing she wanted was for him to abandon her.

"H-how do I get back?" she asked, swallowing as her throat began to feel dry.

"That is not Midge's problem," the bogey snorted, soon followed by a series of scratching noises as he departed. Words no good little filly should say flowed through her head at that moment.

It was all too much. Twist burst into tears, plopped down on her rump, lifted her chin and wept.

"Daddy, Mommy," she cried bitterly. "I'm cold... and it'th dark. Thomeone, help me. Pleathe."

"Hello?"

Twist's mouth snapped shut with a click and she looked about for the voice she had just heard. She had heard it right? She was so distraught it could have been imagined.

"I-ith there thomeone there?" she asked timidly, getting up on her hooves and turning in a little circle. It was all just darkness around her. The inky scary black. "Pleathe. Who'th there?"

"You're lost."

Stating the blunt obvious would have been rather annoying on any other day. But the filly was all too happy to know someone was there.

"Where are you?" She knew she was hearing someone this time. "I can't thee anything. Do you have any light?"

"There is light."

It came from behind her. The little candy maker whirled around in time to see a dim light in the distance of the... tunnel? Sewer? The down below? Whatever, that wasn't important. There was light up ahead. What else mattered?

Well, it was a stranger. Stranger danger was something every good parent taught their children. However, a drowning pony will grab even the blade of a sword if it means hope. She galloped towards the light as fast as her legs would carry her.

Well, stumbled would be more accurate. But, she did make good progress, for what it was worth. Up an short incline and around shallow bend, she found herself coming to a sudden halt at the sight of her rescuer. A royal guard stallion.

Actually, not quite.

"A... a toy?" she asked herself in dismay, slumping at the withers and groaning.

Holding a small lantern in its mouth, the wooden soldier stared unblinkingly at filly with it's one good eye. It appeared old and weathered, even a bit moldy and rotten in places, as well as much of the paint having peeled off under the test of time. Yet, it still stood, a testament to it's creation.

"I know I heard a voithe from thomewhere," Twist stated as she began to circle the toy. It's golden armor was faded and filthy, but, was also made of a padded cloth. "Well, it'th not a total lothth."

She promptly plucked the helmet from the soldier's head and placed upon her own. It was a little large for her, but her thick curls still barely managed to squeeze through the hole in the top. Already she could feel a good barrier between herself and the cold. Even though it was a rather itchy with all the frayed threads and dirt that were now working there way through her fur.

Taking hold of the armor's main body, she gave it a sharp tug. The toy soldier fell atop of her.

Squeaking in shock, she kicked out with her hind legs, causing the soldier to rock back up to a standing position. It wasn't one of those stupid toys that had the clothes attached to the body, was it? Those were always frustrating. How else were you supposed to play dress up with them?

A closer examination showed that this was not to the case. There was a rusty metal key sticking out of the soldier's back. A windup toy. Had it been sent wandering into the down below by it some irresponsible colt long ago? It was a colt's toy, that much was certain. Though, she did know a few fillies who would love to have one. If they could afford it.

With a flick of her hoof, the key was removed and the rest of the armor was free to save a little filly from freezing. She pulled the padded costume tightly about her body and shivered gratefully. Although, there was one other thing she could use. The lantern.

She paused as she reached for the soldier's final accessory. It almost felt wrong. It had been all alone in the down below for who-knows-how-long, and the first pony to come across it in all that time decides she gets to take all his stuff.

"Well, I really need that light," she said guiltily, reaching out and grasping the lantern between her hooves. She soon found it was firmly stuck. And no wonder, it was dangling from the mouth of the soldier. That is, where she deemed to mouth to be, the paint was too faded and chipped around there to really tell. To top it all off, it was made of metal.

"Why?" the little candy maker pleaded as she twisted and tugged the light to no avail, no matter how hard she tried. "But, I jutht want to go home. I'm not thtrong enough to carry you all the way back."

This needed some thought. Tugging the padded armor about herself, she plopped down and reviewed the circumstances. First she had fallen down a hole in the house, the second thing was winding up in a dark tunnel, for a third she had heard a voice and followed a light, and then she had found clothing to protect her against the cold and a light to conclude with the fourth. Step five would be to somehow use the light to guide her path through the darkness and hopefully find a guard. A real one, that is.

The thought of what she should do came when her eyes fell upon the soldier's rusty key.

"That'th it," she declared excitedly. Snatching the key from the ground and praying her idea would work, she turned the soldier so that it faced the direction opposite where she had come from and then leapt upon it's back. "Pleathe, oh pleathe let thith work."

Placing the key inside the hole, she gave it a twist. To her horror, it spun freely, as if its mechanism was broken. Turning it the other direction rewarded her with the clicks of a clockwork mechanism. She breathed a sigh of relief and continued winding it up until she heard the more pronounced clicks that signaled it was at its limit. With a deep breath, she let it go.

Twist gave a surprised yelp as the soldier lurched forward, almost throwing her off. Now she had some semi-warm clothing, a light, and a ride. On any other day, it might have been quite fun... heck, it still was.

The soldier marched stoically on through the tunnel, rusty joints squeaking and grinding all the way through the darkness.
> -89- Shadow of Reunion
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mark," Lyra cried out, lunging forward to hug the jolly looking fat man. The embrace was quickly returned, and she was swept up off the group and spun in an energetic circle, causing the mare to squeal in delight.

"Dr. Heartstrings, so good to see you again, but... what exactly are you doing here?" the man asked, wheezing slightly as he put her back down on the ground. Standing back up straight, he placed a hand on his chest and took a few deep breaths. "You should have sent a message ahead of time."

Lyra chuckled as she tried to straighten out her mane. "Well, it wasn't intentional. Not to bore you with a long story, we kind of got some tickets mixed up at the docks when I went to visit my family in Canterlot. By the time I'd figured it out, it was too late to turn around and here I am."

The old man looked thoughtful for a moment. "Seems odd. How do you accidentally come to the Western Isles?"

"Well, that's not important now," Lyra waved it off. "I don't want to get into that. There's a whole lot of things that I have got to tell you about. Like... say hello to my son, Henry."

The proud unicorn quickly located and held her colt out to the bearded man, her grin practically stretching to each ear.

"You look like Santa Claus," were the colt's exact words. The good doctor almost snorted up a lung as she attempted to suppress her laughter. Mr. Smith wasn't fairing too well either.

His belly did shake like a bowl full of jelly as he let lose a barrel of laughs. Despite not knowing who this Santa was, the other ponies nearby couldn't help but catch the infectious laughter.

"Well, my red suit's still at the cleaners at the moment," Mark finally managed to respond jokingly. Clearing his throat he addressed the unicorn. "Um, Lyra. Correct me if I'm wrong, but... doesn't pony gestation last a bit longer than a couple of months?"

Lyra chuckled. "Adopted, Mark. He was brought to my office just a few days after you left. Brought him home, Bonny, Noteworthy and Twist fell in love with him, and when it became apparent we couldn't send him home... we gave him one. Oh, and he's human by the way. Didn't know if you caught that."

Mark blinked as he looked between the mother and child. "So, just like you?"

Lyra nodded. "Exactly." She froze and shook her head. "Wait. You know I'm human?"

The man shrugged. "Well, I just assumed, really. I mean, after seeing some of the humans that crossed over, I didn't think it was so far fetched. Plus there's the fact you just seem more... human than the average pony I've met."

"I'm an anthropologist, it's just my job," Lyra retorted with a snort, setting her son back down on the ground. "It's really annoying finding out my great 'secret' is so blatantly obvious to everyone."

The man snickered as he patted her mint mane, being careful to mind the horn. "Don't be like that, Dr. Heartstrings. So you're bad keeping secrets. No one's perfect."

"Doesn't mean we shouldn't try," she sighed dismissively. Standing back up, she straightened her stance. "Enough of this. I'd like to hear all about your adventures here in the Western Isles. I'm sure my son wants to here some adventure stories as well. What do you say, Henry?"

The colt nodded excitedly. "Did you fight any monsters, sir?"

There was some chuckling amongst those within earshot. The old man smiled as he knelt down and ruffled his mane. Why did everyone have to do that? 

"More than a few, kid, way more than a few," he told the colt with an ominous wink. "However. I think it would be best if we carried this discussion elsewhere. Perhaps, inside the walls so that we can close the gate?"

Lyra took a moment to look about the surrounding forest. The thick, dark, foreboding forest, and she was barely ten feet outside of the colony's concrete wall. Now slightly frightened, she reached out with her magic and pulled her son underneath her barrel defensively.

The effort made her wince. Her magic was returning, but it made her feel rather strained.

"Yeeeaaah, let's do that," she said as she began herding her colt back through the gates, followed by the old man and the archeologist, who had taken her there to await his return. As well as the armed guards who had accompanied him into the alien world of this Western Isle.

And no one noticed the shadow that sprinted inside while they were distracted.
> -90- Bogeyland
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick! Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick! Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick!

Hard to believe that these sounds could have the same effect as a certain grandmother's lullaby. Twist was struggling to stay awake, not wanting to fall asleep for fear she might fall of the soldier's back and lose the light entirely. She wasn't scared of the dark, but this was advanced darkness, cold and heavy. If only the soldier's lantern was atop his head, so she could be illuminated as well. She couldn't see the tip of her own snout as it was.

She hugged the soldier's neck for what comfort she could find. How long had it been? An hour? Maybe two? Could have been just a few seconds for all it mattered.

"Daddy would hug me back," she sniffed, talking to the soldier. She didn't really want to complain, he was doing the best his rusty gears would allow. She almost felt like apologizing.

Perhaps, when it was all over, she could get him repaired and cleaned up. She and Henry could have lots of fun with him then. And she could perpetually annoy the colt by putting dresses on the proud soldier. She could practically see his face. Having a brother was so much fun. She prayed he got home soon.

Safe and sound. That would be nice. Playing with him and... Auntie Lyra... when they got back... home...

"Do not fall asleep."

"Aaaah, whothe there?" the tired filly's cried out, eyes snapping open to look about the tunnel. "Uhm. H-hello? Wath I about to fall athleep?"

She quickly repositioned herself upon the soldier's back, sitting in an upright position. She took a couple deep breaths and shook the vapors from her head. "Okay. I've gotta focuth. Gotta find a way back to... is that light up ahead?"

She rubbed her eyes to make sure they weren't playing tricks on her. No, there was still a golden sliver of light up ahead. Almost as thin as one of her mother's sewing needles. And it didn't seem to be getting any bigger, the closer she got.

Then, with a final few clicks, the soldier came to a stop just a short distance from the thread of light. Oddly convenient, even to Twist's her tired little mind. But she didn't have any time to dwell on it. Light meant ponies.

She scrambled off the soldier's back, giving him a quick hug for some odd reason, and then rushed towards the source of her hope. Which was closer than it had appeared.

Promptly colliding with a wooden wall, her depth perception somewhat askew, Twist flopped backward onto the ground to rub her forehead softly. Thankfully, the faux armor had taken most of the impact. It still stung some.

Getting back up, she glared angrily at the light. How dare it betray her like that. Then she noticed that it was slightly wider than it had been before. That was very promising.

Setting her shoulder against one side of the light, she dug her hooves into the stone ground and, with a grunt, she began pushing the wall with all her might. Earth ponies were really good at that sort of thing. That's what daddy had said anyway. And it seemed to be working. Goody.

The wall began to move, slowly at first, than gradually got faster. A moment later, she was picking herself up off of the stone floor of the basement, having not noticed that the tunnel she was in was not actually placed at ground level. Also, the wall, as it turned out, was a crate, a wooden box marked "This". She blinked, that name giving her pause. She prayed that whoever lived there was not some weirdo, like Hugh Jelly.

Then she noticed the other crates.

"That" and "The Other Thing". Red flags were popping up everywhere. Then again, she had just ridden on a toy soldier, after falling down a bogey hole. Lots of weird stuff was happening of late.

Looking about for a staircase to take her upstairs to the main house, she noticed an inordinate amount of bottles. Bottles holding a golden liquid that could have easily been mistaken for cider. But, there was something off about them. Why would someone not label those things? How else are you supposed to know what's inside?

Unless, whoever lived here, didn't want anyone to know what was inside.

Now there were so many red flags it could have been mistaken for the USSR. The candy maker felt like turning around and leaving back the way she came.

"What tiny guard doing here?"

"Yeeeep," Twist leapt into the air in fright, legs scrambling. Her heart had been racing fast enough before. But now, now she was sure she had just shaved a few years off of her life. She turned to see who it was that had caught her.

It was a familiar face, and the voice matched.

"Midge?"

The bogey blinked at her in confusion for a moment. Then it appeared to dawn on him. "Mean filly? What you doing here? How you follow, Midge?"

"Well, I wathn't meaning to," the filly said, frowning. The fact that the bogey had abandoned her in the dark, was still very prevalent in her mind. "You're the latht perthon I wanted to thee."

"How you find way here in dark?" the bogey asked, looking through the hole. "The way twisty with many paths and holes"

"Holeth?" Twist cried, aghast. "You mean... I could have fallen off of Canterlot?"

The bogey nodded. "Filly very very lucky to be alive. Very lucky indeed."

The filly was mortified. How could he? "Bogieth aren't thuppothed to kill ponieth."

"You'd have killed yourself, wandering in the dark," Midge countered, sticking out his tongue defiantly. "Stay till morning, and sun would have shown the way. Not Midge fault you not stay in place."

"Well, luckily, I had thome light," Twist snorted, pushing past the bogey to point at the toy soldier. Only, he wasn't there. "W-where'd he go?"

"Where who go?" Midge demanded crossly, picking himself up of the ground and peering into the tunnel as well.

"The toy tholdier," Twist explained. Light was now flooding the tunnel, she should have been able to see him, even if his lantern had been extinguished. "He couldn't have jutht walked away."

"Thought armor looked familiar," the bogey muttered, blinking slowly.

"You know about the toy tholdier?"

"Of course," the bogey responded indignantly. "It been down here long time... long time. Too heavy for bogey to move. Trash anyway."

"Hey, he'th not trathh, he carried me all the way here," the filly protested, upset at the bogey's accusation. "I followed the light of hith lantern and then rode on hith back all the way here."

The bogey blinked again. "Toy broken and rotting. Filly tell lies. Do not lie to Midge."

"I'm not lying," Twist protested angrily. "He wath right here. He thaved me."

"Filly just stupid then."

"I'm not a thtupid," Twist yelled at the bogey, tears starting to crawl down her cheeks. She sniffed and sniffled, rubbing her eyes. "Pleathe. I jutht want to go home. I'm tired and mithth my mommy and daddy. Jutht Thhow me the way out and I'll go home, and I'll never bother you again."

Twist turned away from the tunnel to go back to searching for the staircase. What she saw instead almost stopped her heart.

A small sea of cranky-looking bogeys had snuck up behind her while she was arguing with Midge. This, in and of itself was just unsettling. The fact that they were all riding upon rats made it terrifying. Though the tiny cocktail swords almost made it comical. Not quite though.

Twist, scrambled backwards until her rump hit the wall below the hole. "Wh-what? Where'd you come from?"

One bogey stood out from the rest. He, or she, again it was hard to tell with bogeys, wore a golden ring upon his/her head and rode upon the biggest rat of them all, a vicious-looking albino. The bogey just seemed to smile as he/she looked at the frightened filly. Even Midge appeared to be scared of this bogey.

"Oh, little filly," he/she said, slowly shaking his/her head. "You are home. Welcome to Bogeyland."

Then, a multitude of bogeys bearing brightly colored yarn descended upon the hapless little pony from above. She barely had time to let out an echoing shriek of terror before her mouth was wrapped shut.
> -91- Worries and Plans
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you alright, Bonny?"

The confectioner shook the vapors from her head and turned to look at the stallion. He stood in the hatchway to the airship's cabins. He was giving her a concerned look as he softly trotted up beside her at the railing. She leaned into him for comfort, rubbing her cheek against his coarse fur.

"I'm just... worried, that's all," the mare sighed wearily. "Am I being a silly mare?"

Noteworthy wrapped a hoof about her withers and laid his head atop her mane, which had been unkempt as of late. "Nah. You're just being a mare." He laughed when she punched him lightly on the chest. "C'mon now, tell your old stallion all about it, Bonny."

"Old," Bon Bon rolled her eyes. She pressed tighter against him. "Just the usual, I guess. Since this all started."

"This seems a little bit more than the usual," the blue stallion replied, taking her chin in hoof and meeting her eyes. "I shouldn't have to coax this out of you, Bonny. We've been through far too much together to act like this."

The mare couldn't meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, Notes. I just don't want to burden your mind with..."

"Eh, look at me," he told her firmly. "We're on a dangerous mission to get Lyra and Henry back from nefarious villains, what could possibly be weigh me down any more."

"I... I don't know," Bon Bon sighed. "It's just that. Recently..."

"Yes?" Noteworthy encouraged her gently.

"Recently, I can't help but worry about Twist as well," she admitted. "I know, it's. Silly and irrational. After all, we placed her under the care of a couple powerful wizards with incredible credentials. But, something just doesn't sit well with me."

The blue stallion took a moment to look towards the stern of the airship. "You know what. Me as well."

"Really?" the mare asked, giving him a thoughtful expression. He nodded.

"Must be the distance between us," he replied. "We've never been this far away from her before. Trust me Bonny. A lot of silly things have been running through my head lately as well. While Lyra and Henry are the priority at the moment, I can't stop worrying about our little Twister." He chuckled and shook his head. "Believe me, I've thought of a hundred different things that could possibly go wrong. All the way from falling down a hole to being captured by some unknown kingdom of bogeys."

The confectioner laughed aloud at that. "A kingdom of bogeys, Notes? Really? What would put such nonsense in your head?"

The stallion paused for a moment in thought. "I... I don't know. Just sort of came to me. Now that's what you call silly my silly mare."

They shared a quiet laugh. The mare felt a little better now, and she thanked her stallion with a peck on the cheek. He responded by pulling her into a snug embrace. They stayed that way until a cough startled them.

"Well, I certainly hope I'm not interrupting anything," an apologetic thestral mare greeted them with a smile.

"Oh, not at all," the earth pony mare said, reluctantly pushing herself away from the stallion. "Just... while we're all worried about Lyra and Henry, I can't help but feel worried for the filly we left behind too."

Mercury Melody nodded understandingly. "I understand completely. Maker knows how much I dreaded being separated from my baby when she decided to head that clinic in Ponyville. And, I do have a heart for that precious little filly, too, you know. I hope you don't think I'm favoring Henry, in all of this."

"Of course not," the other mare shook her head. "I watched the way you treated them both. You put the other grandparents, who have yet to meet my herdsister and son, to shame. Or, at the very least, you're going to force them to up their game."

Their was a shared chuckle between the three ponies.

"Ah, I'd like to meet these other ladies," Mercury's eyes flashed ominously. "I'd show them a thing or two in being a proper grandparent."

"We'll have a great big picnic this summer," said Baritone as he emerged from below deck, decked out full in combat kit. Boots with padded steel soles, a ballistic vest, a belt of potions about his barrel, and blades fixed to his wings. "But, for now, you should all be getting ready. We're only a few hours from the Western Isles, and we need to go over our strategy."

"Who needs strategy, you got us," a new voice sounded out from below deck. The thestral glared warningly down at whoever it was.

"Not while my family's life is on the line, Wonder Butt," he snorted at the voice. "Now put that helmet on and lock the chin strap. If I see you take it off even once I'll tie it to your head in pretty pink bows, got that?"

"Yipes, yessir," was the prompt and terrified response.

"Dear," Mercury sighed as she sidled up to the stallion nuzzled his cheek, "like you said, we've got a few hours yet. Don't go making everyone nervous. Besides, we may still have a chance of getting this over with quickly if Daring Do recognizes and sticks close to her. And, by default, Lyra will make sure Henry stays in her sight."

The stallion nodded. "I know. I'm just on edge. We shouldn't really have anything to worry about. We go in, secure our family, and then locate and contain whoever's orchestrating this."

"Sounds like enough strategy to me," the voice from below deck called out. This was quickly followed by a shriek as Baritone dove below deck with intent on finding the biggest, pinkest ribbon possible.

Mercury sighed wearily and quickly descended below deck to ebb the wrath of her stallion. "I'll try to talk to you two again later. Do get ready and have something to eat. It could be a long night."

And, towards the nearing sunset, they continued to fly.
> -92- Is the World Made of Snails? (Rewritten)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

If anyone bothered to ask, he would probably say that it felt like he was sitting on Santa's lap, not that he knew what that was like. But, Henry enjoyed his perch upon the fat man's knee all the same as he ate fish and chips while the man told his stories. It was getting well on into the evening, so Mr. Smith had suggested they take a table at a griffon restaurant that had been established not to long ago, according to him.

It was a simple menu, offering salads, sandwiches as well as choice cuts and seafood. Though, one would have to admit, a little salty. The salt was good though, had a unique flavor, and a very bluish tint to it. Supposedly it was harvested from the tides pools on the island, amongst other things set upon the tables.

Mark seemed very entertained by the colt, and when he heard the little fellow request fish and chips, he made it an extra large batch so that they could share. With tartar sauce and malt vinegar, of course, they were civilized after all. Lyra had chosen a plate of octopus and Daring opted for a couple salad sandwiches, the latter also opting to sit a safe distance away. After all, most mares don't like fish, Lyra being an exception, even though she wasn't the one eating fish at the moment.

"So, mere hours after pulling out of that dreadful storm, we finally arrived upon these islands," Mr. Smith continued before taking a long gulp from his stein.

"The Western Isles?" Henry beamed, his cheeks covered with crumbs and salt. A napkin wreathed in a golden aura hovered over to wipe his face, much to his dismay. "Awe, mom."

"Well, you shouldn't be so messy," she teased with a smile. "Plus, I needed an excuse to see if my magic was getting any stringer. Good news, not as painful as it has been."

Henry took a spitefully messy bite from his fish in response, making his mother giggle and narrow her eyes warningly. He took careful small bites afterwards so as to wade too deep in the hot water. She seemed to accept this nonverbal apology with a small, almost indecipherable nod.

The fat man laughed aloud at the display. "Oh-ho, no. That storm blew us miles off course. They were different islands, a pirate hideout in fact.”

That made the colt’s ears perk up and his eyes widen. “Pirates? Did you fight them?”

“Nah,” Mark shook his head dismissively. “They were the saddest group of pirates we’d ever met. Their ship was little more than a bunch of barrels and driftwood held together with spit and spackle, and they only had one rifle between the five of them. The last three shots of which they used to call for help by firing into the air.”

Henry seemed torn between expressing disappointment and laughing. “So? What did you do?”

“Gave them the first hot meal they’d had in months, and paid a passing tribe of seaponies to take them back to the college campus they ran away from,” Daring piped up grouchily. She was not enjoying the smell of seafood, but was too polite to say anything.

“College campus?” Lyra inquired, tilting her head to the side curiously.

“That’s right,” the man nodded with a humorous sigh. “A bunch of self-entitled brats, that's what they were. At least, when they first set out. When we found them, they had done an incredible amount of growing up. A month trapped on a deserted island will do that to you.”

Lyra cringed a bit. “Lord of the Flies?”

“Thankfully not as... that,” Mark replied, making a face. The mare relaxed a bit. “Poor fools couldn’t even make a proper shelter from the weather, thanks to their ‘ingenious’ idea of stuffing their ‘raft’ into the only cave on the island to keep it from getting waterlogged.”

“This is starting to sound like a satire,” Lyra mused around a mouthful of octopus. It was rather buttery.

“There are dumber things that happen,” Mr. Smith shrugged. “But, that’s not important. Other than that and the storm, there wasn’t really much else that happened until we reached the Western Isles, where we are now.”

“Then stuff really started getting interesting,” the Archaeologist spoke up.

"You know, you don't have to sit all the way over there," Mark called out to her. "You would think, as an adventurer, you wouldn't be so disgusted by fish."

"The taste is fine," the pegasus muttered as she rolled her eyes, "I got used to that a long time ago. It's just the smell that kills me." She noticed the smirk on Lyra's face. "And, unlike like present company, I'm the only one who was born and raised a pony."

"Ah, so I'm less of a pony then?" Lyra teased, sticking out her tongue.

"Yes," the archaeologist snorted.

"Ouch, I am cut to the quick," Lyra cried dramatically, tossing a hoof to her brow. Then she laughed. "But, in all serious, how did stuff start getting more interesting?"

"Well," Mark Smith began, tussling the colt's mane, much to the little guy's disdain, "to begin with. To send a clear message to the local wildlife, we bombarded the beach with a few howitzers."

"Yipes," the mint mare reeled in surprise. "Just screw subtly, huh?"

"Have you read the book?"

"Noted," she was quick to reply and nod.

"After planting the Equestrian flag we used the airships as a base of operations for the first week," the story went on, "until we could establish a proper fortress on the ground below. As you probably saw, along with the wall and artillery defenses, we took no chances."

Lyra nodded. "And the citizens of the colony are grateful, no doubt."

"Of course," Mark grinned. "But, even then that was no easy task. The beasts of this island were very curious, and it didn't take long for them to get over the shock of the beach exploding and venture out to check on us. You probably remember that drawing of what Darkest Darkness called an oogoo, right?"

Where Darkest Darkness came up with these names was anybody's guess. But the oogoo, was amongst the more prominent beasts in his unfinished field guide.

Lyra nodded. "Yep. How did you deal with them?"

"Snipers," Mark stated simply. "Pick off a few of them, hang up their corpses along the edge of the fores, and the rest tend to get the idea that their not welcome."

"Like the apples do with farm vermin," Lyra mused thoughtfully. "That's pretty smart."

"Well it took quite a few bodies," Daring piped up. "For a while the other oogoos were just coming out of the woods to eat their own dead. But, they eventually got the idea."

"And, a few expeditions into the wilderness with some flamethrowers and high-powered rifles put the fear of man into them," the fat man added. "Now they go out of their way to avoid us."

"And the rest follow?" asked the mint mare with a little smile.

"Once they learn that you're the apex predator, they tend to wise up," the archaeologist chuckled. "Nothing bothers us anymore." Then she looked to be in thought. "Well... except the islands themselves."

"What?" Henry asked, licking the crumbs off his lips before his mom could use the napkin again.

Daring leaned forward against the table and placed her front hooves together. "Did you see them from the airship?"

The colt nodded. "Yes."

"Did you see how they all appeared to one side?" she asked him, smiling.

"Yes."

"What if I told you that the reason for this is because they're snails?"

"The colt's jaw dropped. "What? Really? Are we on a snail?"

"A dead one, all that's really left is the shell," the pegasus explained, grinning at his amazement. "Over time, the tides carried sand and dirt, plants and abominations to the corpse. Eventually resulting in this nightmarish ecosystem."

"That's incredible," Lyra said, eyes almost as wide as her son's. "How could snails get this big?"

"Well, the real question you should be asking is," began Mark, "are these the only three?"

"Are they?"

"We've managed to convince a few seaponies to aid in our expedition," Daring mentioned. "We paid them to dive around the islands in search of oddities. What they found was at least twelve more giant shells stretching out across the ocean floor."

"This is actually rather disturbing and disgusting," Lyra said with a shudder.

"What's more disturbing is that all the shells are pointed west, meaning that they were heading east for some reason." The archaeologist sighed and shook her head. "So, it can be concluded that these aren't some flukes of nature. But, an actual species of island sized snails."

Lyra sighed. "Let me guess... you decided to call them island snails, didn't you?"

Both the archaeologist and the fat man looked away, almost ashamed. Lyra sighed again, while Henry laughed.

"No originality," the anthropologist muttered. She cleared her throat. "So, any idea where they were headed?"

Daring shook her head. "There are places some seapony tribes talk about. Places where the giants of the deep congregate to avoid the sun."

Lyra mulled over this a moment. "Are you saying these snails died of heat stroke?"

Daring's eyes widened. "Er, no... but, that... that's actually a plausible theory." She grabbed a napkin and began writing on it with a pen she had pulled from her hat. "Perhaps the weaker ones were unable to complete the migration because they baked inside their own shells."

"So these were the smaller one?" Henry asked, putting a hoof to his chin as he considered what the adults were saying.

"And there's my nightmare for this week," the pegasus groaned, the reality of what the foal had just said crossing her wires. "Lyra, you're colt is too smart for his own good."

Lyra wasn't fairing too much better. "These are the babies? Are the adults the size of continents?"

"No. It couldn't be." Daring's eye's widened as she contemplated this revelation. "No. No-no-no. The world is not made of giant snails."

"World snails?" Henry asked aloud to no one in particular. He just wanted to test out a different name.

Both mares pushed away the remainder of their dinner, suddenly not hungry anymore.

That is. Until they saw the dessert menu.
> -93- Sweet Twisted Dumbies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Auntie Lyra had once told her an old human fairytale about a naughty kitten who had disobeyed his mother and got captured a couple of rats. These rats then tied up the poor kitten with string and were preparing to cook him alive inside a cocoon of dough before he was rescued. Happy ending or not, that story had frightened her something awful, leaving her scared of chimneys, attics, and cupboards for a week.

What was wrong with humans?

The correlation? She was tied up with yarn in what appeared to be a basement, or a cellar, and surrounded by rats and bogeys. One could hardly measure the speed at which her heart was pumping. The good news was that she was now finding herself incredibly warm. But, weren't you supposed to go cold with terror? Or is that only in books?

The bogeys were whispering amongst themselves, their hushed voices sounding like snakes. Occasionally, one or two would glance her way, then go back to whispering amongst the others. She was essentially being ignored.

If it weren't for the fact that she was cocooned in yarn at the moment, she would have found it a perfect time to sneak away. As it was, she could barely wiggle her nose. For weaklings, bogeys were great at tying things up. Then again, with enough yarn, you could hold a dragon captive.

Though, Twist wasn't sure there were enough sheep in the world to make that much yarn.

"Big bogey not be happy with this," one bogey, Midge, suddenly piped up when the conversation began to ebb. Ebbing or not, after he spoke up they all went silent and gave him a wide berth.

The reason why became apparent when the boss bogey, the one wearing a golden ring on its head, began hissing. It approached Midge angrily, until they were nose-to-nose. "Big bogey, not here. Gone long time. Me king bogey now."

King. Perhaps that meant it was male.

"You just big sister, not rule anything," Midge retorted bitterly.

Bogeys were so stupid. Couldn't even get the titles right. But, that wasn't the important issue.

Big bogey? the filly asked herself. As mentioned, bogeys were stupid, too stupid to make up metaphors. So that could only mean that the big bogey was indeed a big bogey. How big? If they were too big they wouldn't be strong enough to even walk.

There were too many unanswered questions, and the little candy maker was in no state to find all the answers. At least it was warm in the room. It was nice to no longer be cold.

"Bout time we have pony slave," the king stated in a proud manner.

And that just stole the warmth right from her bones. Eyes widened to a seemingly unhealthy point, Twist stared at the king bogey in abject horror. Were her mouth not bound up, she might have screamed. The best she could muster was a few tears.

"Yes," the king bogey grinned wickedly as she stepped closer to the filly. "Pony think they so tough because they bigger than bogey. No more. This first step in ruling world. We flood their homes and streets with rats, steal away all foals and shinies. Big bogey will bow to me."

And they had delusions of grandeur. Good thing Twist was a smart filly and didn't dare jinx things by thinking it couldn't get any worse. She just stared into the pitiless eyes of the king bogey and swallowed hard.

Then a random bogey raised a paw and asked, "what slave do?"

Twist began to wonder if she was giving the bogeys too much credit when the king remained silent for a long moment. Surely they weren't that stupid. Then again, they were evil, which is something she had never considered a bogey to be before, and evil people weren't known for being geniuses.

They did not know what a slave was. It would be funny if it weren't to terrifying.

"Nevermind," the king growled in defeat after expending the limit of her intelligence. "Drag pony other chamber, filly work for us now forever. Make pony move mead."

With that, several bogeys tied the ends of the yarn that encased her to the saddles of some rats and then promptly dragged her off around the shelves of bottles and towards the staircase that she had originally intended to find. Now she dreaded what she might find.

After being dragged up the stairs, which had been renovated to act as a ramp, Twist was certain of three things. One, she had a number of splinters from the shoddy workmanship on that ramp. Two, the house was definitely abandoned. And, finally, three, she was inside the biggest honeybee nest(1) she had ever seen.

Honey-laden comb clung the everything. The ceiling, the fan included, the walls, chairs, table, pictures, and even large sections of the floor. Heck, she could even see some proceeding up the staircase to the second floor of the house. And, of course, there were even more bogeys and rats.

And more bottles. Hundreds of them. Some empty, some full, and some spilled out on the floor. That must have been the mead the king had been referring to.

"Cut pony lose," one of the bogeys barked out. Two other bogeys moved swiftly to obey, sawing away at the yarn that tightly bound her.

It didn't matter if they were just wielding plastic butter knives, it still scared Twist. As soon as her mouth was uncovered, she let out the shriek of terror that had been building up inside of her all night long. It was so long and loud that she felt what little energy she had left start to fade away.

"Heeeeelp Meeeee."

Kaboom!

Her shriek was cut short when the ceiling exploded and a large object landed atop of her. Only, it didn't crush her. The reason was swiftly apparent.

Standing shoulder-to-shoulder, Twilight Velvet and Night Light glared out across the assembled little monsters, the fierce energy radiating from them causing their capes to billow as if in an angry wind. Each held a length of shaped wood an stone in their magical grasps.

"Not quite what I was expecting, dear," Night Light mentioned, somewhat confused, as he reached out with his magic and tossed the knife wielding bogeys across the room.

"Kind of impossible to predict this kind of thing," Velvet nodded in agreement, stroking the filly's mane in a soothing fashion.

It took a moment for the little filly to accept that what she was seeing was reality. But, when she did, she hugged that mare's leg in a vicelike grip, crying loudly with what energy she had left.

She wailed weakly. "Thank you, thank you. I wath tho thcared. I didn't mean to fall down that hole."

"I know," the mare comforted her warmly. "We were so worried when we heard you scream back at the house. Never thought I'd see the day when bogeys would kidnap a foal."

"I don't think it's over yet, dear," Night Light said, getting his wife's attention. "These bogeys aren't running like their supposed to."

Velvet looked up from the filly to see that he was right. Bogeys were supposed to be weak little cowards with hardly a half a communal brain cell between them. However, these bogeys just seemed... angry. She tightened her stance about the filly more defensively. "I thought we didn't sense any spells about the house."

"I don't think its a spell," Night Light said as he conjured a shield and blocked a bottle that had, impossibly, been thrown by a bogey from across the room. "Look at all the bottles."

Velvet did, but still didn't get it. "What do they have to do with anything?"

The stallion reached out with his magic and grabbed an open bottle, shaking off the bogeys that clung to it like ants. He gave it a sniff. "I think what we're seeing is the bogey equivalent of being drunk."

"Mead?" Velvet asked, confused, as he snatched the bottle and gave it a sniff of her own. It was almost strong enough to curl her mane. "How did they learn to brew it?"

"The big bogey show us."

Whirling around, the three ponies watched as the king bogey walked up the steps, opened bottle in paw. She took a quick gulp and tossed rest aside. "Big bogey show many things. Now bogey strong."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Night Light warned, raising his staff.

The king growled. "Now bogey show ponies many things."


*	*	*


Meanwhile...

Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick! Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick! Whizz! Whirr! Clicketyclick!

*	*	*


(1) In the wild, honeybees live in nests. Hives are manmade structures made purposefully for harvesting honey.
> -94- The Talk
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

While she would have loved to talk for hours with her friends, Lyra had an appointment to keep. And, unlike other doctors, she was very punctual.

"Eight o'clock," she grumbled as she looked at her watch, curtesy of Mark Smith. He was so insistent she have it. "Now where is she?"

The archaeologist looked at her own watch, one with a glowing dial. "Late. That limp of hers may be slowing her down... or she's just lost."

"No... just slow."

Both mares and a colt jumped and turned around to see the peach mare and her little filly coming up the stone pathway to the tree. She looked nervous, looking about the colony and kept her filly close.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, "it's just that... it's a new place... and..."

"You read the book?" Lyra finished for her, slightly amused.

She nodded. "It... took some convincing to come here. It seemed like the only way to give my Precious a decent life."

"Convincing?" Lyra quirked an eyebrow.

The Peach mare nodded. "Equestria needs to claim and populate this territory. I received an application in the mail along with a multipage pamphlet listing all the benefits coming to the colony would offer."

Daring nodded understandingly. "It takes some convincing to get sensible people to come here."

"By making them lose their senses," Lyra asked, not quite sure what to make of it.

"Have to have a viable population somehow."

"That just sounds crooked."

"So does grave robbing," Daring shrugged. "Archaeologist just sounds more professional."

Lyra blinked a few moments. "Touché."

When the pegasus had gathered both foals and headed off in the direction of the observatory, actually large enough to be seen from where they sat, they took a moment to size each other up. Lyra was ready to argue and push things, the peach mare was nervous and looked as though she wanted to just bolt at the first opportunity.

"I've really got to know your name," Lyra spoke up, taking the opportunity to be the first one to speak and control the conversation.

"Agate of the Chipper family," the mare replied in a small voice. Good grief, she could almost give Fluttershy a run for her money. Almost.

Lyra tilted her head to the side, curious. "I've heard of a large Chipper family in Canterlot. They're rather wealthy. Any relation?"

"I was their daughter," Agate said, rubbing a leg with a hoof.

"Oh?" Liar was surprised. "I didn't hear that they fell on hard times. Or did they just send you here to stake a new claim?"

"Hoe can you say that?" the peach mare cried, a tear trailing down one cheek. "I'm not trying to do anything but provide for my baby."

Lyra couldn't help but feel a little bad, now that she was getting a good one-on-one look at the mare. She was not how she remembered. The confidence, the cunning manipulative expression that cheated her out of a brother, it was all gone. What remained was so much less. Something broken.

"What happened after you threw me out of that house?" Lyra asked in a softer tone, not really feeling angry anymore. She just wanted answers.

Agate took a couple of deep breaths as she thought back. "I remember the events quite clearly, Lyra. That day was my greatest mistake. You always remember those. Horrible, isn't it?"

She rose up onto all fours and began pacing about as she spoke. Lyra didn't mind, many of her patients preferred wandering about her office as they talked.

She nodded. "As long as it gets me the answers I never knew I wanted."

"We got drunk," Agate said, placing a hoof upon her brow in shame. "We partied, and then Roller Dee's Parents came home and called us a few cabs due to the storm. I recall that they were none too happy about the mess."

"Cake and sewage will do that," Lyra scowled, looking aside.

The peach mare sniffed and wiped her eyes. "The next morning... afternoon, actually, I found myself rudely awaked by my mother and aunties. They literally dragged me through the house to where my father and his first wife were 'discussing' my future."

"Your future?" the doctor raised and eyebrow.

Agate gritted her teeth as though the next words were physically painful to say. "More like... figuring out how to disown me and erase my name from any official documents that could ever tie me to them."

Lyra couldn't help but recoil in shock. That was disgusting. "What?"

"Rather than let me shame the family name, they made it as though I never existed, okay?" Agate spat out, crying large tears. "One day I was being groomed by maids and treated as this beautiful princess, and the next they give me a suitcase and throw me out on the street. They told me never to come back to Canterlot."

"But the airship was docked there," Lyra pointed out.

"Me and my daughter hid in our cabin," Agate explained with a shiver. "That's why we hadn't run into each other earlier. I wanted to be sure we were far away from that place."

"They wouldn't hurt you, would they?" Lyra asked, feeling some pity for the peach mare.

Agate shrugged and looked a little lost. "I don't know. I haven't seen them in years. I don't even know if they would recognize me. I'm just not prepared to take the chance."

"What about your herd?" the mint mare didn't recall seeing a stallion anywhere close by.

This elicited another sob from the peach mare. "I don't have a herd. I wandered Equestria alone for years, afraid your family was hunting me down, being thestrals and all."

Lyra held her tongue, but narrowed her eyes warningly. the mare noticed her reaction and cringed.

"I'm sorry. My family warped my view of thestrals," she quickly defended herself. "I got over it while hopping towns on the Frontier."

Lyra raised an eyebrow but didn't speak. The peach mare seemed to have been through a lot.

"I met many good thestrals. And many bad ones." She rubbed her legs together as she took a deep breath. "But I still traveled anyway. Chasing jobs."

"Is the Frontier where you had your daughter?"

Agate nodded. "I... I... I was getting tired of being so lonely. I tried sneaking into a herd."

Lyra closed her eyes and sighed. "Idiot."

"It was a decently sized herd; the stallion had five mares," she described slowly, appearing to be in pain at the memory. "After it was all said... and done... I was chased out of town by his wives."

"I'm guessing you didn't try to get revenge this time," said Lyra.

"Of course not," Agate sniffed. "I at least learned that much. What is worse is that, before we were caught, his mares actually liked me."

"You're your own worst enemy."

Agate nodded. "Story of my life. Born into a wealthy family, and wound up a single mother who can hardly put food on the table." She wiped her eyes and tried to sit up straight. "And then there's you, little Lyra. Adopted into a wealthy family, successful, famous, and, I assume, the star addition to a handsome stallion's herd."

"Well, your not wrong," the good doctor sighed. "You'll forgive me if I don't have much sympathy at the moment."

The peach mare shook her head. "Of course. the fact that your allowing me to get this off my chest is more than I deserve."

"Yeah, well, we all have our faults," Lyra stepped closer to Agate and laid a hoof on her shoulder. "I wish you good luck, Agate Chipper. I hope both you and your daughter find the life you've been seeking."

"Make willing," Age managed to smile.

Then a great chorus of alarms began sounding off all over the colony.
> -95- Vermin Magic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Velvet mentioned casually as she hoisted the little filly upon her back and looked about the room.

Bogeys were not created for warfare. Even drunk and full of bravado, all the wizards needed to do was lower the temperature of the room a few degrees for them to become slow and lethargic. Covering everything in a thin layer of frost.

Her mate nodded as he watched the bogeys begin to curl up on themselves until they resembled a field of black billiard balls. If not for the fact that they pulsed whenever they breathed, one might even have thought it was a ball pit.

"Should we grab a bag and just scoop them all up?" he asked himself, not sure of the procedure of arresting bogeys.

"Our best bet would be to start stuffing them into their own bottles and corking the tops," Velvet sighed, dreading the long task that would take. "Then call some other authorities to take care of the rest."

Twist, in the meantime, was burrowing into the mare's mane for her warmth. "How did you find me?"

Velvet took a moment to flip her cape around her neck so as to hold the filly close and warm. "The security spells about the house allow us to track anyone who leaves the premises for up to three days. After that, it was just a simple flight spell to follow the signal from the sky."

"Ah... that'th... that'th nithe," Twist yawned happily as the cape and warm body soother her tired body.

"Sleep, little filly," bid the mare with a gentle coo. "Let the big ponies take care of the rest now."

Twist almost complied with the Mare's soft command. Almost.

"Not over."

That voice tore away sleep's gentle embrace and made all three Equestrian's look back towards the stairs. The bogey king, who had not made it very far, was stiffly unraveling herself from the cold ball.

Shards of ice falling off, she managed to extend her limbs and prop herself up to a standing position. However, the golden ring that served as her crown had somehow slipped down around her neck. Whether or not that was something to be concerned about was anybody's guess.

"King bogey better than big bogey," she croaked angrily. "King bogey king. King. King-king-king-king."

"This one's drunker than the rest," Nightlight commented as he shifted his staff towards the pest. "Just needs to get a little colder."

"No," shrieked the king as she felt the temperature descend even further. "King bogey will never fall."

Velvet's ears twitched. She swiftly hooked her husband's horn and jerked him towards her. "Come back, love. There is something wrong."

The stallion nodded sagely. "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I might not have believed it myself."

All three ponies regarded the royal pest with varying levels of concern.

"A bogey wizard," Nightlight narrowed his eyes dangerously. "No wonder she managed to unite all these parasites."

Somehow, the king's smile sent shivers down their spines. She seemed almost flattered.

"Pony fear bogey," the king cackled ominously. "Always. When small... serve us. Give us shinies. Treasures. Make bogey rich. Richer than pony."

"Tells us a few things," Velvet commented as she glanced at the brewing equipment. There no way a bogey, even an army of them, could have dragged a single piece in the old decrepit house. It appeared somewhat new as well.

Getting rich off of scaring foals?" the stallion twisted an eyebrow up. "That's an idea that never crossed my mind." Then he smirked. "If you could tell the difference between trash and treasure."

Contrary to what he had expected, the bogey laughed.

"Big bogey teach king bogey," she sneered. "Gold, silver, copper, ruby and diamond. He show king all."

Both wizards were taken aback by the idea of a bogey knowing anything.

"Who's the big bogey?" Velvet demanded, lifting her staff threateningly."

"Gone-gone," the bogey croaked in a bitter fashion. But, she still chuckled. "King rule now."

"She seems awfully proud of that," the mare whispered the stallion with a touch of annoyance. "Can't we just shut her up?"

"I would like to find out more," Nightlight answered back in an equally hushed voice. "You can take the filly and leave."

"Leave you here alone?" the mare sounded most offended. "There is something wrong, and I will not leave your side."

The stallion looked to the filly on his wife's back and noticed a small shield projected about her body. He nodded. "As you wish."

"I do," she grinned, bearing her teeth. "This little monster interrupted our alone time by kidnapping this sweet little filly."

"They didn't kidnap me," Twist pointed out for their information. "I fell down a hole and came here."

"Semantics, sweetie," the mare shushed her gently. "Let the big ponies do their thing."

"Big pony stupid," the king burst out laughing as if she had a big secret plan. She began stepping backwards, laughing all the way.

"Where do you think you're going?" Nightlight demanded, growling.

"Out of range," the bogey croaked.

"I could hit you from across the continent," the stallion huffed.

"Their range," the bogey pointed a crooked claw behind the ponies.

One-by-one, all three ponies turned their heads to see.

Rats. Not the Equestrian ones, earthly pests that had thrived on Equus. Some even went so far as to say the magic had changed them. Made them less independent of each other and smarter as a collective. 

Swarming over each other like a ball of ants, the rats, which had remained silent up till now, lunged forward. Like a horrifying gaping maw of a thousand mouths, they descended upon the wizards with voracious intent.

"At least we know her expertise now," Velvet cried out as she expanded the shield to cover herself and her husband.

"Never ever heard of a rat mage before," Nightlight growled as he stomped a view rodents that had managed to slip past the mare's barrier. "Hold them off, love. I'm going to charge up."

The mare wordlessly obeyed, increasing her power output. She swallowed nervously, disgusted as the shield rippled against the horde of rats. They were trying to eat their way through. She quickly tucked the filly's head beneath the cape to keep from scarring her mind.

All the while the king laughed. She danced an eerie jog as she jeered and joked.

“Heehee. Pony not see. Blind as blind be. King bogey king of bogey see. Has small eyes, but is no blind. King did rats bind. Power not pony find. Chewing up, falling down. Pony go down-down-down.”

And just like that, they did. The floor beneath the wizards began to crack, and then they screamed in horror as it gave away entirely. Chewed thin by the rats they did not see. The ones in the basement.
> -96- Clockwork Hero
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clever tricks and tiny minions were great for parlor tricks, but, two fully-fledged and seasoned wizards  were not about to be undone by such an underhanded tactic. Or they would, if only Night Light hadn't been beaned on the head by several large bottles when his wife's shield broke from the shock of the fall. Crashing through a couple shelves of barrels and bottles didn't help much either.

Now Velvet was desperately trying to wake her husband while protecting a crying filly and keeping up a shield against the horrifying onslaught of rats that descended upon them like a waterfall of fur and disease.

The Rat King, the bogey wizard, leered at them from above dancing her little dance. "I got a pony. Me. One more then the little one is the king's slave once more."

"Ooh, bad choice of words," Velvet growled as she left off shaking Night for now to stare back in the king's eye with a damning glare. "You... don't... EVER... threaten a child in the presence of a mother. Especially me. I took out a Manticore with a flyswatter when it made a move for my colt's carriage. Compared to that... you... are... nothing."

Sparks began to fly off her horn as the air around the shield began to heat up, turning to shaky waves. Then, to her increasing rage, the King smiled and taunted her.

"Bogey king not impressed," she rolled her eyes and stepped back from the hole, out of view. That did it.

Velvet let out a roar as she crouched over her mate and shielded the filly's eyes. "You were warned."

The pillar of flames that erupted from the basement was nothing short of amazing. However. It was also very short. The mare had realized the bogey's game all too late. And it was no small wound to her pride at the realization she had just been outsmarted by a bogey.

Sure, the rats, those that didn't die, ran away in a panic. But that wasn't the mare's concern. She stared wide eyed at the room full of wood and alcohol around her as she compressed her shield in preparation. "Oh, Celestia, I need to work on my temper."

KA-BOOOOM

You could smell the sickly sweet explosion. The ground shook and the flames soared ever higher than her magic could ever muster.The shield protected them from the worst of it, but they were still flung into a corner of the expansive basement. Velvet ensured that Twist was safe, as her own back slammed into the wall, compounded by her stallion slamming against her too.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she looked at the small bundle in her hooves, who had miraculously not been smooshed between her and Night. Twist, shaking like a leaf from terror, nodded bravely. "Good, Let's just try and get out of here."

She activated her shield again, but it was much weaker this time, but it would keep the  smoke and flames away from them. Night still wasn't waking up. Oh, that bogey would pay dearly. Not wanting to waste magic, she slipped her head beneath him and slip him onto her back, followed by the filly.

He was heavy. She found herself regretting allowing him thirds for dessert that night. Seconds was going a little far too, but they had a guest. And she was partially to blame, they had been growing slightly sedentary.

"There'th a way through there," Twist pointing towards what had used to be a crate blocking a large hole in the wall. Velvet shook her head.

"It's too small for Night Light and I," she said as she headed towards the stairs. Also, she just knew there was an army of rats waiting if she let Twist go in there.

Twist acknowledged this. "It looked bigger before."

The mare figured that that was the way the filly had to have gotten into the house in the first place. What a night. She and Night Light were so going to seek out and seal every bogey hole in their house after this. If she never saw one again it'd be too soon.

Sooner than that, as she began to ascend, she froze at who stood at the top, looking prematurely triumphant. The king in all her ugly glory. Flanked on either side by drunken, unfrozen bogeys and rats.

"No place to go big ponies."

"Oh come on," Velvet growled, thinking quickly. But no solutions were in sight. If she used any other spell, she risked losing the shield. She could try running. But not with a full grown stallion on her back. Her shield might not last against another onslaught of rats.

She could try reasoning with an unreasonable demented wizard, drunk on power and mead.

So, lying it was.

"And whose going to stop us?" she asked, putting on her poker face. "There's nothing left to burn, another fire spell and you'd all be dead."

The other bogeys backed away in fear, but the king was unmoved.

"Horn pony would already do it. No need for words." Curses, she was a lot smarter than a bogey should be. Way too smart. Even if the mare had a terrible poker face, bogies were supposed to be stupid.

But the mare was quick with a rebuttal. "You would have attacked already too. Obviously you're scared of..."

"Attack," the king shouted pointing at her and waving the army over.

"Seriously?" Velvet refused to believe a bogey knew how to bluff. That spoke volumes for the creature's confidence.

Bogies riding rats were terrifying. as she rushed towards the wavering shield, carrying tiny splinters of wood, nails, and even a few plastic sporks. Velvet didn't dare rear up for fear of her husband and the filly falling off her back. Her last remaining defense was a power females of every race possessed. All but guaranteed to draw the attention of a hero or five.

She broke down and screamed, sobbing to the sky, such a high-pierced and loud sound that the rats skidded to a halt and the bogies dropped their weapons and covered their ears in pain, even the king was affected.

"Heeeeeeeeeeellllllp. Oh won't someone just save us already."

Then everything was quite, save for the rising roar of the flames. Then the sound of a siren could be heard. If not the guard, than the fire brigade. No fake tears fells down the mare's cheeks, she cried openly. She scowled at the vermin contemptuously as the salty drops fell to the ground unhindered. "There. See that, now you're about to have an army of ponies descending on this place. It's over."

Bogies may be stupid. But there was something to be said about stupid people, they could be really smart when scared. Even if being smart for them meant running around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming that all was lost.

"No, bogey king king bogey, all pony will know this." Then there were the smart ones who could be so stupid. The king, ears still ringing was angry, angrier than ever before. "No. Bogey win this day."

"Give it up," Velvet said as she began again up the stairs."Do the smart thing and run away like you always do."

A poor choice of words, Velvet would admit later. In an impressive feat of strength and quick thinking, the bogey had grabbed two bottles and broken them,  gripping the necks as though they were daggers. Just as deadly anyway. Velvet backpedaled as the bogey lashed out, trying to force her back down the stairs to the awaiting flames.

Twist screamed in terror at the sight of the knife wielding maniac. Making it worse, every strike to the shield caused it to ripple and shimmer. The grown mare was scared, weak and loosing power, this was a losing battle.

"King king king king king," the bogey cried with every slash of her razor sharp instruments of death. The flames were licking at the mare's tail now. Then the shield broke, shattered like ice.

The mare felt the heat, as did the filly, and one other. Night Light had awoken.

Feeling the flames and seeing his wife in trouble he quickly set up his own shield just in the nick of time, blocking what would have been the final blow.

"Oh you wonderful stud, I love you," Velvet wept, feeling the tip of the broken glass against her throat.

"Anytime, love," Night Light said as he slipped off her back and lifted the bogey held captive in a small shield. "This is going to be an excellent specimen for the guild."

"Do we have to take him in alive?" Velvet asked, skipping hurriedly away from the flames.

"She," Twist corrected her.

"As much as I love not to... yes, afraid so," Night Light said, following shortly behind her.

"I suppose it has to be," she sighed regrettably. Then she paused. "Dear... have you noticed she's not begging for mercy?"

The three ponies looked to see the king still smiling.

"Run," yelled the stallion. All too late.

The ceiling came down without mercy.

The stallion tackled his mare, shoving both her and the filly out of harm's way. while at the same time, releasing the bogey and transferring the shield around those more important.

"How?" cried Velvet, hugging the filly protectively for the umpteenth time that night. "How does she always come out ahead like this."

"This is unnatural," Nightlight said, straining his shield under the weight of the house.

"Big bogey called me natural," the king mocked from afar. She was staring at them through the flames, not seeming to be bothered by the heat and smoke.

"Who is this Big Bogey?" the Stallion demanded, trying to expand the shield for more breathing space. He could hear sirens outside. Even the sound of water turning to steam against the hot flames. But it was useless.

"Gone," the king chuckled. "Left. West to water lands."

"West? Water lands?" Velvet echoed. Her eyes went wide with a thought. "The Western Isles. Where Mercury and Baritone are heading."

"And Mommy and Daddy, Auntie Lyra and Henry," Twist cried out. "We have to warn them."

"That's right dear," Velvet said, attempting to stand back up. She set Twist between her and her lover, then crossed horns with him. "I think I might have a little magic left, Nighty. We just need an opening."

"I can make an opening."

Suddenly there was a great crash as the chimney fell, narrowly missing the three ponies. They were silent for a moment, then the stallion unlocked horns and began pushing his wife towards the brick path that had appeared.

"Take Twist and go, Velvet," he shouted urgently. "Keep low and try not to breath in the smoke."

The mare scrambled hurriedly to get up and collected the filly in question. "You'd better be right behind us, Nighty. Or I'll bury you in the doghouse."

As soon as they were out onto the bricks, Velvet looked up and saw the sky. It had felt like forever. "Night Light, can you carry us both out of here."

There was a crash as the rubble fell where the stallion had been a moment ago. Luckily he had been fast enough to jump clear. "He shook his head. Can't risk passing out from the smoke. Especially the filly. I don't have enough magic to blast out a wall. And that would be stupid, it'd cause a backdraft."

"That way," Twist pointed with a hoof.

Both adults looked to see the bricks created a path towards the staircase tot eh second floor. It wasn't on fire yet. Velvet kissed her once on the head and picked her up in her mouth before galloping towards the safe location. Night Light took a moment to look around for the bogey king before he took off after the mare.

The stairs were old and cracks under their hooves, but the eventually made it to the top, to be greeted once again be their little nemesis.

"Oh, you're dead," Velvet growled, taking a step toward her, then her hoof broke through the floor. Were it not for the stallion behind her grabbing her by the tail, she and Twist would have been lost to the sea of fire below.

The bogey just sat on an old derelict bed, smirking in amusement. "Chimney falling not bogey plan. Bogey king prepare anyway."

"So you had your rats chew the floor anyway just in case, didn't you?" Velvet demanded angrily.

Surprisingly, the bogey shook her head. "No. House old. That not King Bogey plan."

"Then what is your plan?"

"Watch ponies die," she smiled wickedly.

"No. I won't allow it."

Twist cocked her head. That was familiar.

Just then, a beam came crashing down from above and landed square between the ponies, the other end crushing the bogey king upon the bed. The ponies flinched at the squishing noise she had made. Hear pounding in her chest, Velvet took a couple tentative steps upon the beam, it creaked a bit, but held her weight. "Alright, Twist, grab my tail and stay close behind me."

She looked at Night Light. "You weigh more than us dear. Just wait until we've crossed, okay?"

He rolled his eyes in a good-natured fashion. "I still got some magic left, love. I'll be fine. Just worry about her and get to safety."

The mare began the longest trek across the beam, the floor below beginning to disintegrate. "Don't look down, Twist. "Keep watching me. You're doing great. We're almost there."

Twist just knew that would have the greatest story to tell by the time she got back to ponyville. Her jaw ached from the death grip she had upon the mare's tail, and the smoke seeping up through the floor stung her eyes something fierce. She gulped and prayed that this would all be over soon.

She began to smile a little bit when she saw they were almost at the bed, she started to pick up the pace a bit as strength seemed to come back to her. Then something grabbed her tail and she screamed.

"No," shrieked the stallion and mare in unison as the filly released the mare's tail and fell. Twist managed to grab the beam with her forelegs as she kicked with her hind legs, desperate for a foot hold.

"Something's got me," the filly cried in terror as she felt more and more tugs. She knew what it was before she heard the voice.

"No, I will win. Bogies are invincible." The king had slipped out from between the bed and beam and crawled along underneath it to grab the filly. She stuck her head out to jeer and grin at the adults.

Velvet had no magic to spare, her only alternative was to slowly backpedal and try to lower her tail for the filly. "Twist, grab hold. Please, try to catch it."

Night Light, for his part, had to use all of his will power not to rush across the beam and snatch her up. That would only endanger both her and Velvet. And he was already using his magic to keep the fire at bay from consuming the beam.

"Hold on," he cried, his heart threatening to break his ribs. "Please. Just let her go."

"No. One must die," the king laughed maniacally as she twisted and yanked at the filly's tail in an attempt to dislodge her. "You will all fear bogies. Forever."

"If one is all you need. You can have one."

Twist stopped the screaming. The voice had power, her heart beat even began to slow a bit.

Then a ball of fire fell from what remained of the ceiling. It missed the filly, but hit the bogey king straight in the face. With a shriek of pain, the king and the fireball descended into the flames below.

Twist scrambled back up atop of the beam and grabbed the mare's tail, much to the relief of the adults. But before she moved forward again, she felt compelled to look down. Into the fire. The king was riving and wriggling in a horrific fashion, but she didn't see her. What she saw something something special.

She let go of the tail for a second. "You thaved me?"

The toy soldier, wreathed in flames and flaking away lay upon his side, his rotting self turning to ashes.

"Of course I did. What kind of toy wouldn't help a child?"

Twist smiled as large tears found there way down her cheeks. "Th-thank you. Can I do anything to help?"

"That was enough. It was so good to make a child smile again. Thank you. I would have loved guarding you as I had so many others before. Go now."

Twist sniffed and looked away to grab the mare's tail and follow her onto the bed. Night Light began his own journey across.

"Thank you little one. I am proud to have been the hero you needed."

Then it quieted. The soldier's wooden body crackled and splintered, his metal bits glowed red and twisted, and the paint flaked away to nothing. Like a real soldier who had gladly paid the ultimate price for what he loved.

"..."

Then a magic aura wrapped around the toy and lifted his charred body from the flames. The unicorn stallion looked at with wide eyes. "You can talk?"

"You can hear me?"

He nodded as he hurried across the beam to joins the others. ""You heard him too right?"

Velvet nodded as she stared at the toy. Twist gasped. "I though I wath inthane."

"Well, we're standing instead of jumping out the window, so we're all insane," Velvet said as she wrapped the filly in her cloak and leapt out the window, followed shortly by her husband. Away from that nightmare to the rather surprised fire brigade down below.

And so the house burnt away to nothing, and the greatest bogey who ever lived perished.
> -97- Out Down and Far Away
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uh, ma'am, you all really don't need to come with us," the colonial guard said, attempting to ease the confrontation. The guards of the colonies had different uniform from the traditional Equestrian military, using more tough fabrics with metal inserts, offering more protection against the tropical climate. Also, with more modern weapons.

"Ha, as if," Lyra snorted as she adjusted a pith helmet borrowed from Daring. Apparently they were custom made to be extra durable, near bulletproof. The pegasus, who stood close by, had both wings and her forehead bandaged, with one eye swollen shut from earlier. "We are following this trail of breadcrumbs and finding our foals, and there's nothing you can do to stop us."

"She's a wizard from Celestia's School," Daring explained, omitting the fact she was healing from extreme magic exertion. "Besides, the wilderness is less aggressive these days."

"Then you'll follow our orders from here until the end of the trial then," the guard, a sergeant, stated firmly.

Lyra and Agate nodded. "Of course," the mint one agreed, "I'm no fighter, I just want my son back ASAP."

"My Precious too," Agate said in a smaller voice.

When the alarms had gone off, guards had begun rushing into the streets. The two mares panicked and rushed to find their children. The observatory was a mess, broken telescopes, books and instruments scattered everywhere, and Daring laying in the middle of it, beaten rather badly. Once she was patched up, she explained that they were jumped by a stallion. It was over too fast for her to get a good look. Other than that he was a pegasus like herself. With the foals nowhere to be seen, the mares were hungry for blood.

To make things confusing, they found a series of arrows leading from the observatory to the main gate of the colony. Lyra was not going to be shaken from following this lead.

"Worry not, Lyra," a voice from behind announced itself. The mares turned to see the hero of the hour, Mark Smith standing there in safari gear, cane in one hand, shotgun in the other. "I'll be taking an advance scouting party ahead of you all to make sure you're not all walking into a trap."

Lyra pranced excitedly. "Ooh, let me come with you instead. Please-please-please?"

He shook his head resolutely. "I'm afraid not, good Doctor. You know as well as I that that would be too dangerous with your lack of experience."

The mare deflated, but conceded the point. He was right. The man reached out and patted her head comfortingly. "Don't worry, Lyra. I'll be sure to reunite you with that fine colt again."

He promptly found himself in her embrace, which he swiftly reciprocated. "Alright, you with wings, take off and keep a look out from above the trees."

The two pegasi in the troop took off at his command and began making wide circles overhead. He then selected one of the other guards to follow him along the trail of arrows into the vegetation.

"Wait ten minutes then follow," were his last instructions before vanishing, leaving the three mares behind with the sergeant.

The stallion regarded them thoughtfully. "If you're going to be going with us, I'd feel better if you had some sort of weaponry."

"Got myself covered," Daring smirked, opening her saddlebags to show they were stuffed to the brim with dynamite. Strapped to her left forehoof was a butane lighter, and under her hat she had a large can of hairspray. "Nature fears fire above all."

The sergeant laughed. He'd seen her work more than a few times. "I was more worried about the other two, ma'am."

Lyra used her healing magic to draw a pistol from a pouch about her neck. She didn't have time to find a holster. "I was on the marksman team in school."

"The sergeant nodded, "Alright, you should be fairly useful. And what about you... um... ma'am... that's a rock."

Agate blushed as she dropped the rock. "I've never been much good in a fight. I've run away from all my problems before."

The sergeant, an earth pony, sighed and looked her dead in the eye. "Ma'am... you're a unicorn."

"Yes?" Agate nodded slowly, unsure what he was getting at.

""Why not use several rocks?" he explained, gesturing to the large rocks scattered about the ground. "One rock is great for surprise attacks, or fending off an attacker. But when you have the ability to use several, you could be devastating at close range."

The mare needed no second bidding. Six hoof-sized stones levitated from the ground and began orbiting her like satellites. "Yeah, this... this would have been useful many times in the past."

The earth pony did his best not to sigh in despair. He was just thankful that the scouting party would be shooing off all of the dangerous wildlife. "Alright, it's been about ten minutes, last chance to stay behind."

Seeing the determination in their eyes he shrugged, "tally-ho."


***


"Land ho, Western Isles dead ahead," Noteworthy called out, standing on the prow of the airship.

Ponies quickly came up to see, his first wife, the in laws, and the two extra ponies who had answered the call for help. One rather disgruntled member of their merry band was sporting a bright pink bow about her helmet to keep it held upon her head.

Mercury and Baritone hugged their extended family fondly.

"I can practically smell them from here," Mercury cried, taking a deep sniff. But, she wouldn't find their scent again until they landed.

A suddenly explosion shook the ship.

"Aaaand we just lost the starboard engine," the pink bowed pony said, testing her wings. "No wonder this ship was so cheap."

The whole ship began to cant starboard as a result. The two earth ponies clung to the railing, everyone else had wings but them.

"Great," Bonbon groaned. "Abandon ship?"

Baritone shook his head. "No, me and speedster can even it. For at least a while. The rest of you get the supplies out from below deck and put it in the life boat. We're making a tactical landing."

"No, we're going to crash," Mercury corrected him as she grabbed the two wingless ponies and ushered them towards the bulkhead.

"Tactically," Baritone grinned despite the situation. He and his helper took off to take hold of the starboard side and push their wings to the limit.

Slowly, the bow of the ship began realigning with the islands.

"Okay, how long do you think we got?" the mare asked him as she glanced over toward the port side. Upon seeing the smoke wafting up from that engine she grimaced. "Augh, not enough. Push faster old pony."

Baritone was too focused on keeping the ship aloft to give a retort. Old? The nerve of this younger generation.


***


It was very warm. Henry held the filly close as she sobbed into his chest, calling for her mother. He couldn't remember what happened. One moment he had been looking through a telescope at the northernmost star of a constellation Daring had called the Lunar Maria, the next he woke up stuffed inside a bag with Precious.

He had woken up before the filly and had a minute to gather his wits before she woke and began panicking. He did his best to quiet her. But, he was barely holding it together himself.

When their captor slowed then eventually came to a stop, he found he was holding his breath in trepidation. His heart pounded so hard in his chest he was sure it was causing the filly to vibrate. Then came the smell.

Sweet and savory scents, mixed with something smokey. It made his stomach rumble hungrily. Even Precious stopped shivering and began sniffing. There was also the sound of running water and... music? It was comforting.

He was about to risk a "hello" when  the bag was upturned and they both fell out atop of a giant stone table. Directly in front of them, strange purple fruit halfway to her mouth was the largest mare either of the foals had ever seen. With a giant headdress of exotic feathers upon her head and a necklace of bones about her neck, she was frozen in shock, eyes roving over them. Even the music had stopped and then came murmuring.

The foals turned their heads to see dozens of other giant mares about the edge of the table, leaning in close to get a good look at their guests. Then they turned back at the first one. One word came to Henry's mind from stories he'd heard back on earth.

"Amazons?"
> -98- Invoking the God of Irony
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The noises. Those unholy noises in the foliage. Shrieks and whoops, cries and snapping, Lyra found herself walking with her side pressed against the dynamite-wielding mare, finding her safer than whatever lurked in the leaves. Agate kept closer to the stallion in the lead, now wielding several more rocks than before and a few sticks.

Daring smiled weakly as they slowly followed Mr. Smith's trail, marked by large X's cut into the trunks of trees. "I've been wanting to come here ever since my grandfather's field guide washed ashore in that bottle. You know, the Unfinished Western Isle Compendium."

Lyra nodded. "Yes, I have a copy. First edition."

"I'll sign it for you on his behalf sometime," Daring assured her. "But, without an army, Like the one Celestia and Luna provided, I never had the guts to try. You know, everything he wrote in that book? It's all true. How he managed to survive by himself long enough to send out that message in a bottle... I may never know. I would at least like to find the rest of his book."

"His first book mainly described the forested island," Lyra continued the conversation, trying to keep her mind off the rustling in the treetops.

"That's why we set up the colony here," the pegasus explained. "We have yet to actually explore beyond the shoreline of the other two. And we literally firebombed the forest to make a big enough clearing to safely construct it."

"We are such stupid creatures you know that?" Lyra managed a chuckle. "We find a piece of inhospitable land unfit to live... then live there. You know, fault lines, places frequented by tsunamis, in the paths of hurricanes. Then, to top it all off, once those natural disasters pass through, we rebuild in the exact same place. It's like we're constantly flipping the middle finger to nature."

Daring paused. "The middle finger?"

Lyra nodded. "Western human equivalent of raising your tail and tapping your chest."

"Oh?" Daring blushed a bit. "I see your point. I guess it's just in our nature. Though, would we really be better without the conflict?"

"Well, if we're going to get philosophical, what do you think drove your grandfather here?"

The archaeologist shrugged. "According to my grandma, for whatever reason, he just, one day, became obsessed  with an old sailor story and tales from nomadic seaponies about mysterious uncharted islands. For a few years he would make charts and study maps, often getting frustrated when things didn't line up. Then, one day again, he disappeared. Twenty eight years later, a large bottle washes ashore with his name written all over it."

"Sort of like a cry for help?" Lyra asked, aiming her pistol at a spiky bush.

The pegasus huffed indignantly. "My grandfather was more than competent to build a boat and sail away. No, he wanted someone else to follow. I think maybe... maybe he knew he wasn't coming back. I believe he wanted one last adventure, and he wanted it to be his greatest."

The conversation was a good distraction from the deadly island around them. So much so, that the two mares bumped into the ponies up front.

"Hey, what's the hold up," Daring whispered, almost afraid to ask.

"Its the end of the road," the stallion said, pointing ahead.

Dead ahead was the shoreline of their island. The waves beat against the rocky beach, and dead ahead they could see Mark Smith and the other soldiers standing a short ways ahead, looking down at something. Lyra gasped and rushed forward in horror. What could they be looking at?

"Henry," she cried out desperately. But, when she got there, her worries were no less relieved. In the middle of the ponies and human was another arrow made of stones. Pointing out towards the water. Towards the volcanic island across the way. "Ooooh.... crap."

"Indeed," Mark said with a sigh, stomping his foot. "This frustrating hooligan has carted them off to the next island."

"And they were in a hurry," said one of the pegasus guards, pointing to a length of severed rope tied around a tall outcrop of rock. "It's as if they want us to follow them, but don't want us to catch up."

Daring examined the rope. "This isn't our rope. It's made of plant fibers, crudely twisted  into a cord, but effective."

"So, anyone could have made it?" Agate asked, stepping up to have a look.

Daring shook her head. "There would be no reason to. Plus, it's rather old and weathered. There's even remains of lichen growing on it."

"Where does that leave us?" Lyra asked.

"Absolutely nowhere," Mark said with a snort. "But, it does give me a few ideas."

"Like, maybe we're not alone on these islands?" The archaeologist asked, though it wasn't really a question.

"Darkest Darkness, perhaps?" Lyra suggested, looking from the archaeologist to the fat man.

The pegasus mare narrowed her eyes across the waters. "I don't know. But, it doesn't feel right. This whole thing. Nothing about it feels right."

"We won't get answers standing around," Mark said as she marched right up to the water and looked about. "Where's the radio, let's a get a few rafts over here."

It was always good wisdom for military units to carry radios. Ten or so minutes later, three packages fell from the sky, delivered by the fastest pegasi in the colony.

"Why can't the mail be that fast?" Agate joked humorlessly as she took one of the packages and look it over for instructions.

"Yeah, I don't like the idea of my packages falling from the sky," Lyra countered as she grabbed a lever on the side of the package and yanked. The peach mare yelped as the boat inflated in a matter of seconds. "Never watched any movies in the Frontier?"

The mare glared at her. "Well excuse me for not thinking very straight in this moment of dire crisis."

Lyra sighed. "Sorry, I apologize. Now get your plot in the raft and let's get our foals. Maybe even whoop some kidnapper ass."

"That's the spirit," the sergeant said as he pushed their raft into the water and jumped in after them.

"Wait, what about oars? or a motor?" the doctor asked, suddenly noticing the missing items.

"Don't need them," Do said as she took a length of rope and tied it to the bow of the raft then tossed it to the next one. Once all three rafts were tied together, the pegasi without broken wings all got in the middle boat and began flapping in sync.

Soon enough they were generating thrust, pushing the first raft forward and pulling the other right be hind it. Eventually they were just about skipping across the waves.

"Ah, I see, very efficient," Lyra said, hanging on for dear life. "Are we expected to make it there alive?"

The others in the raft weren't fairing much better. Daring looking back, one hoof clamped down on her pith hat, while her other three were wrapped about a plastic handle in the side of the raft. "What? Never been on an inner tube before?"

"Of course I have," was the doctor's response as the raft began bouncing on some larger waves. "Just never on a suicide mission."

"Oh, come now," the sergeant grinned back at her as the peach mare threatened to strangle him in her vice grip. "This is the easy part."

Murphy answered the call, and an explosion ripped across the sky overhead, drawing everyone's attention as it lit up the sky like ten thousand fireworks.

A fiery airship was falling out of the sky right towards them. Breaking apart as it burned and cracked.

"Everyone in the water now," Mark Smith shouting, making a big splash as he sank below the surface. Everyone else followed without question.

Even underwater they could here the roar of the ship as flew passed to crash a distance away. The debris was the main concern, large chunks splashed over the raft, lighting them on fire and sinking them as the melting plastic split apart. They were left dead in the water.

"No," Lyra wept as she broke the surface and took a deep breath. "No. Why? Oh Maker. Why? I'm sorry I complained about the ride. I just want my Henry back."

"What's this about Henry, dear?" a familiar voice said from behind her, sounding very concerned.

She turned around in shock, half-convinced she had hallucinated it. Behind here was a winged lifeboat, the kind an airship would have for evacuating passengers. Inside it were several very familiar faces. To save time, she greeted the one who had spoke.

"Mama? What are you doing here?"