> Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic
>  by Good Christian Ethesto
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Suddenly ponies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note: Now with even less brackets!
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"Lololol!" I yelled as I suddenly uncrouched and ran around a corner. The red circle on my radar told me that there was an enemy nearby and it wasn't hard to spot the red halo a few feet away. The same goes for previously stated red halo, as soon as I began moving he saw an approaching red dot and turned with his assault rifle spraying bullets randomly. It was too late for him, however, as I was equipped with the ultimate weapon of war. No, not a tank or missile launcher (or a big explosion gun as I like to call it), a sword. An energy sword, that is. It's easily the best weapon ever! At least it's the most fun weapon...

"Get that noob shit outa here!" I cried as I lunged forward with my sword and sliced through my enemy's precious skin. "Your skin is no match for me fool!" He was dead before he hit the floor.

Of course, I wasn't done with him yet. No, I've always had a firm belief that it pays to be polite, even in combat. Momma halo didn't raise no fool. That's why, whenever I kill a halo, enemy or otherwise, I always hump them. It's likely the politest thing you can possibly do. 

With that said, I began tea-bagging the dead red halo corpse on the ground for a few seconds with sword in hand. It was all fine and dandy until some asshole green halo started shooting me with a pistol from across the bridge. I was pretty mad at this point. Who just goes around shooting people while they are humping their dead enemies? Really, who the hell does that? I, for one, wasn't about to let such a heinous crime go unpunished.

I got up off the thoroughly humped carcass and pulled the DMR off my back while simultaneously placing the sword hilt on my leg. The glowing blade of the sword just kinda' disappears when I'm not using it. Don't ask me how it works, I just assume that all the alien weapons are magic or something. Now it was time to dispense some sweet justice. Luckily the greengo (AKA green halo guy) was pretty terrible at aiming his pistol and I was able to jump around while pumping him full of delicious DMR bullets. 

I should probably mention that I'm in sword base while this is happening and camping blue spawn (like a winner). If that doesn't make sense to you then that's just too bad, and it doesn't matter very much.

The green halo went down after a few (not so) well placed body shots and the announcer yelled 'killing frenzy'. Ten kill spree, no big deal. With that thought I ran up and gave the green halo a quick two-hump, I don't discriminate when it comes to humping. I then ran back into blue spawn. The DMR had respawned so I moved over it and magically picked up a bunch of bullets. I have no idea how that works, but I just assume it's like the ocean. Tide goes in, tide goes out, you can't explain that. I had over 60 bullets at this point. Pretty cool stuff, I know.

With my new bullets I was ready to face anything! Then I turned and was surprised to see that I wasn't alone in the room. I'm not perfect with my radar, ok? Standing a few feet away from me was none other than the same red guy I had killed and humped a few moments before. Unfortunately, now he had a shotgun which he had no doubt picked up after he respawned. 

I gulped knowing where this was going. "You aren't mad about the whole 'humping' thing are you?" He obviously was mad. Judging by the fact that he had thunder cloud he was probably a high rank. For some reason, halos (especially high ranks) get really mad when you hump them, especially when you kill them in a dumb way first. I guess now that I think about it, that's pretty much the main reason why I do it in the first place. Being polite is just an excuse. 

At this point I knew I was as good as dead, a shot from this close from the shotgun would undoubtably kill me and only a complete noob could miss with it. I wasn't going to go down without a fight, though, so I lunged forward and slapped the red halo right in the face with my DMR. Such an attack would destroy his shield temporarily but wouldn't kill him. 

Now came the horrible pain of being filled with bullets from a shotgun at point blank. However, as the red halo fired, the bullets simply bounced off of me. 

I didn't take any time to think about what the hell just happened, and instead delivered a punch directly to his face. This punch was enough to kill him without his shield, and he fell to the ground. After successfully beating down (or beating off as I call it because it brings me great lol's) the other halo, I was slightly confused. I wasn't confused about how I was able to kill a super strong, armored guy with a force field by punching him twice, I'm clearly just really buff, but instead I was confused as to why the hell the shotgun didn't kill me? I was so confused, in fact, that I didn't even hump the red halo. 

At that point I looked down at my arms which I hold in front of me at all times and noticed something very strange. Namely that they were now glowing a light green. 

I don't know how familiar you are with halo anatomy, but that's not normal. I started to rub at my arms to try and find out what was going on, but they only started to glow brighter and brighter. Before long it was enough to blind me and I started to experience a feeling of weightlessness. I guess it feels a lot like how I feel after a halo helicopter I'm in explodes, or when I drive a warthog off a cliff. I don't know, I was just pretty confused at that point. 

This lasted for all of a few seconds before I felt that I was laying against a hard surface. It wasn't hard to guess that said hard surface was the floor. Of course, then I started hearing some voices.

"Did it work?"

"Ooo oo! What's that!"

"And what is it wearing?"

Now I was sufficiently confused, no halos would say something like that. In fact, most halos are too busy spamming their assault rifles and tossing grenades willy nilly to talk at all. Come to think of it, I don't hear any shooting or explosions, which is strange in my line of work. I open my eyes, which i just now realized were closed, and began to blink them in the hope that perhaps I would stop being blinded. Sure enough, the light started to dissipate and I was able to see that I was face down on a white marble floor.

Well that's different, as far as I remember sword base doesn't have any marble floors. The place is nice, but not THAT nice. I sat there for a good three seconds examining the nice floors before I noticed a bunch of red dots on my radar. Needless to say, I panicked. I bolted upright and pulled out my sword ready to slice every mutha chugga's face off. Of course this is that wtf moment when instead of seeing a bunch of angry, gun wielding halos, I see a bunch of weird, colorful, four-legged creatures. 

They seemed about as shocked by me suddenly standing upright and pulling out my weapon as I was of them and they all reflexively took a step back. Now this was just plain weird. One seconds I'm doing my halo thing, killin' people and pissing them off by rubbing my junk on their visors, and the next I'm in a strange, brightly lit room with a bunch of what I can only assume are aliens. This wouldn't be so scary if I hadn't heard all kinds of stories from other halos about how aliens generally probe you in the no no zone. For some reason I got a mental image of the general saying 'prepare you anus'. I don't know why.

I sat there for a few seconds staring at the strange creatures while they did the same to me. None of us moved, we just sat there for like thirty seconds. At least this gave me time to examine them thoroughly, there were about a dozen of them in all. First off, they were all four-legged with big heads and abnormally large eyes. Either their eyes are shaped weird in their skull, or there's no way there is enough room in there for brains. Or perhaps it's magic...They were all about the same size except two of them that were much larger. These two were about as tall as me while the others only came up to like my waist. They also had both wings and a single horn on their faces while the others had either wings, a horn, or neither. 

The weirdest part, though, is that they were a bunch of crazy colors. There was a pink one and an orange one and a purple one and a blue and rainbow one and... Well, you get the idea. I guess I can't make fun of them for being colorful, I usually wear light purple armor. I looked down at my hands and noticed that my blue halo armor that I was wearing in sword base had been replaced by my purple stuff. I also noticed the dark purple unicorn emblem on my chest. I wore it mainly because it was ironic (and because unicorns are cool), but now it was starting to look somewhat familiar.

At this point I realized that these things in front of me, at least some of them, must be unicorns. It was weird though, i'd never seen one before, and I thought they were just made up. Guess not. 

Then the big white one with wings and a horn took a step forward and began to speak. "Hello, I am princess Celestia. Ruler of Equestria, along with my sister here, Luna." She gestured towards the big purple winged unicorn next to her before continuing. "Might I ask who you are?"

Ok, don't panic. Just dealing with a bunch of colorful talking unicorn things. No big deal. I cleared by throat before trying to answer. "Um, hi. I'm Halo man. Uh, what the hell is going on here?" In retrospect maybe I should use better manners when dealing with royalty, but I don't really care.

At least the white one didn't seem too taken aback by my use of the word 'hell' and simply started answering. "Well I used a spell to bring you here. Sorry to just pull you away from what you were doing, but we need your help."

Alright, they used a 'spell' which heavily implies magic. I can except that, my answer for just about everything that I can't explain is magic. "Ok. So, why do you need my help exactly?"

"Well, we believe that Canterlot, the city we are currently in, is going to be attacked soon by Chrysalis and her changeling army. Last time they attacked we got lucky and surprised them with the magic of love, but I'm afraid that that won't work again. Chrysalis is too smart to be beaten by something like that twice. The problem is, they outnumber us by a lot and none of my little ponies are very experienced in combat since we've lived in peace for so long. I'm afraid that if we get in another fight we might lose. That's why I used a spell to summon the most powerful warrior I could to aid us."

Alright, lots of information. Apparently they want me to help them fight a battle or something against 'changelings'. Note to self; ask about what those are, and who 'Chrysalis' is. "Ok, so let me get this straight, you brought me here with magic to help you fight your enemies?" Celestia nodded so I continued. "And you say the spell was supposed to get the most powerful warrior?" She nodded again. "And that would imply me?"

"Well, are you?" She seemed curious to see if her spell had worked.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not THAT good. "Well, I got like 1.8:1 kill death ratio (protip kids: ratios involve two numbers), and I was top scoring in the game I was in." Now the ponies looked confused and it looked like Celestia was going to ask what I meant before I continued talking. "Don't worry about it, it's not important." 

Now came the hard questions, did I really want to help these unicorn things? I suppose I wasn't really doing anything important anyways, I was just fighting halo guys infinitely for no reason. And besides, this might be fun. "Ok, I guess I'll help you." While saying this I put my energy sword back onto my belt to let them know I wasn't going to attack them or something.

All the ponies smiled when I said this and Celestia started talking again. "Oh that's fantastic. I was worried that you wouldn't want to help us. Let me introduce everypony else to you."

I'll just go ahead and skip all the introductions because that's boring and stuff. So the two princesses (mostly Celestia, Luna hardly talked at all) introduced a group of six unicorn things as 'the elements of harmonics' or something. I assumed that they are a popular band with a name like that. Either way, if you're here you already know what their names are so I don't need to go into that. The other unicorn things in the area apparently weren't important enough for names because they are just guards. 

After introductions, the ponies led me to a nice room with a big dining table. They were being very nice, clearly to get on my good side since they wanted my help. No bid deal though. We all sat down around the table on short little chairs that were clearly not made with halos in mind. It was kinda' awkward, but oh well. Within moments a group of servants came out from another room and brought us tea. 

Normally I wouldn't drink tea, but I figured it would be rude to refuse it. I don't know why I even cared, normally I'm extremely mean. Perhaps it's because the unicorn things all looked adorable and I didn't want to make them sad. That was probably it. And besides, this was my chance to act like a sir.

I crossed one leg over my other knee and sat up strait while grabbing the tea cup in one hand. I even remembered the golden rule, 'when in doubt, pinkie out'. The ponies just kinda' stared at me while I brought the tea cup to my face.

"Mr. Halo man, darling. How are you going to drink that with your helmet on?" Asked the white unicorn (an actual unicorn, not a hornless or winged hornless unicorn) with purple curly hair also known as Rarity. 

I simply brought the tea cup up to my visor and poured it onto my face and thus somehow drank it. Don't ask me how it works, I don't freakin' know! At this point the ponies were all displaying various degrees of 'what the fuck?' on their faces, except the pink one who was just smiling like always. "Please, Rarity, Mr. Halo man was my father. Just call me Halo man. And as to how I can drink this through my visor." I just shrugged and said the special word that explains everything. "Magic."

"I've never seen magic like that before." Said Twilight Sparkle, who is the purple unicorn.

I just shrugged again, I don't even know about magic. "So I'm slightly confused, are you guys like unicorns or something?" 

All the unicorn things looked at each other before Twilight answered again. "We are ponies. Some of us, like Rarity and I, for example, are unicorn ponies. Then there are the pegasus ponies that have wings." She pointed a hoof (or tentacle, their legs look kind of like tentacles) at the light blue pony with rainbow hair, Rainbow Dash. "And then there are earth ponies that don't have a horn or wings." 

Alright, so they're ponies, that sounds familiar. She called those ones earth ponies so they must be from Earth. "Hmm, I think I remember hearing that there were ponies on Earth, I don't remember hearing about them being so colorful though. Also why do the princesses have both wings and horns?"

The ponies seemed confused about what I had said about Earth, luckily Celestia started talking for them. "I guess we're just special. So, Halo man, where do you come from?"

"Oh, I lived on some nice planet called Reach. Or was it Beach? I don't remember. Anyways, it was nice and stuff, then a bunch of aliens suddenly started attacking us. So I was like 'no way' and I joined some group of other halos and we went around murdering the shit out of them. Of course, I'm not cold hearted, I made sure to hump their bodies afterwards. We killed like thousands of aliens, but they just kept coming in their big purple ships and eventually they managed to murder everyone on the planet. Then the few survivors flew off in a big ship and I was alone on the planet with like a billion crazy aliens that wanted me dead. Eventually they shot me in the head and I died. Now I just fight other halos who are different colors than me in various small areas that are impossible to escape from. Then when we die we just revive a few seconds later and kill each other some more."

All the ponies, including Celestia this time, just sat there with their mouths wide open trying to comprehend the story. All of them, except Pinkie Pie who nodded in understanding. 

Finally Applejack composed herself enough to ask what all the ponies wanted to ask. "Wait, wha-what?"

"Heh, don't worry. I always hump the other halos when I kill them."

This clearly didn't answer the ponies' questions so they just continued to stare with their mouths open. It was starting to get weird so I decided to fix the situation. "Um, don't worry about it."

They were clearly still going to worry about it. Twilight finally recovered from the initial shock to ask what she wanted to. "So let me get this straight. You are from a planet called Reach?" I nodded. "And suddenly aliens started to attack?" I nodded again. "And you fought them?" I kept nodding. "Then everyone died, including you?" My neck was starting to hurt from all this nodding. "And now you fight other halos infinitely?" 

"Yeah, that's pretty much it." I replied, glad that the ponies had understood.

"You expect us to believe that? That story doesn't even make any sense!" She replied with an exasperated look.

"Neither does magic, but you don't hear me complaining." 

She looked like she was about to argue, but just sighed and stopped. Magic doesn't make any sense at all, even to her. 

Then rainbow dash flew up next to my head and started talking. "Ohmygosh you fought aliens!? That's so cool!" She then put her hooves on her cheeks and made a face like this /)^3^(\. 

Now that the ponies had accepted that magic explains everything, they all surrounded me with their own questions. 

Applejack came up next. "What is that weird thing you have on your back, and that blue thing you were holding earlier?"

I smiled and pulled the DMR off my back. "This is my boom stick. Naw, it's just a gun." The ponies just gave me blank stares, they clearly didn't understand my joke or know what a gun is. "It's a weapon." Then I pulled the sword hilt off my belt again and the blade appeared on its own. "And this is my sword, it's a weapon that the aliens used."

Applejack examined the glowing sword for a few seconds. "That doesn't look like any sword I've ever seen. It doesn't even look sharp."

"Well give me something to cut and I'll show you how sharp it is."

The princesses shared a worried look for a seconds before Celestia levitating a nearby chair over. I was slightly confused, apparently the ponies have mind powers or something. It explains how they are able to hold things with their hooves. Of course I had to ask about it. "So, ugh, how do you do that?" I pointed at the floating chair with my free hand.

It took the the ponies a second to understand what I was asking but they eventually figured out that I was wondering how the chair was floating. "Oh, that's just magic." Replied Celestia nonchalantly.

"K." I replied, that was a good enough answer for me. After saying that, I lunged forward with my sword and slashed at the floating chair. It easily split in half and the two pieces fell to the ground with a loud clank. The ponies seemed impressed based on the way their mouths hung open as they stared at the easily severed chair. 

"Well I'll be, that is sharp!" Said Applejack.

Next it seemed like it was Rarity's turn to ask a question and she stepped up. "So, why don't you ever take off your helmet. Not saying it isn't nice, your armor is absolutely gorgeous. I would just love to be able to examine it closely."

"Sorry, no can do. I don't take off my armor. I'm pretty sure the animators didn't even give me a face." I don't think I've ever taken off this armor, at least not that I can remember. 

"Um, you don't have a face?" Asked Rarity, the ponies got confused easily, Pinkie Pie simply stepped up to her and put a hoof on her shoulder thus reminding her that sometimes it's better not to ask questions. 

I Just shrugged again as Pinkie took a step forward. "So do you like parties?! Oh I bet you do! Do you have cupcakes on Reach!?!?" 

I put a hand on my chin, or rather on the chin of my helmet and thought about this. I don't think I've ever been to a party, although sometimes when I kill halos they eject confetti out of their bodies. And sometimes I group up with other halos and we gang hump dead halos. I don't think that's what she means though. 

"Umm, I don't think I've ever been to a real party, nor do I remember ever eating a cupcake."

Pinkie gasped when I said this and she started running around the room faster than a boosting Danny Phantom (that's what I call ghosts... Deal with it). "Ohmygoshohmygosh I'm going to throw you the biggest party ever!" She kept running around for a few moments until she was picked up by some glowing purple stuff and Twilight spoke up.

"Pinkie please (Gooby plz), we can throw a party later." Pinkie Pie seemed to calm down a bit after this and she rejoined the group with her signature huge face-engulfing smile. 

Next Fluttershy spoke up, if you can call it that. She was still really quiet. "Um, Halo man. What kind of animals were there on Reach? If you don't mind me asking, that is..."

I can only remember ever seeing a few kinds of animals for some reason. Now that I think about it, I really can't remember very much before the alien attack. Turns out I don't have much of a back story. Basically the only animals I ever saw were various small birds, some big weird clawed things that I don't remember the name of, and these ostrich things. "Well there were these big ostrich things."

Fluttershy seemed to perk up at the mention of them. "Oh really, I've never seen an ostrich before! What were they like?"

I smiled to myself at the thought of the ostriches, those were some good times. "Well I only saw them a few times. The first time I was driving in a car and I ran two of them over. It was hilarious! Oh, then another time one was trying to run past so i shot it in the head with a pistol and I started humping it. I thought it was really funny but the other halos thought it was weird."

Fluttershy didn't seem amused though. "Oh, oh my..." Although she probably didn't understand some of those words, she seemed slightly disturbed at the thought of me hurting those animals. The other ponies didn't seem to appreciate the story much either. Oh well, I thought it was funny.

Now that all the ponies had asked their questions it got quiet for a little while as we all continued to sip our tea. The tea wasn't bad at least. Then Luna decided to speak up.

"Sooooo... What does thou do for fun in thy free time?" She probably just asked this to stop the awkward silence. Now it was apparent why she didn't talk much, though, she seemed kinda' old fashion. 

"Well, there's lots of things. Like punching people to death, that's really fun. So is stabbing them with my super alien laser sword, and it makes them really mad. Oh, and EMP punching them, that's even funnier. And then i hump them and they send me angry messages, those always make me laugh. I guess it's pretty fun to throw sticky grenades on other halos too." Then I thought of the most fun thing ever.

"Oh, and sometimes idiots vote for rocket hog race. So me and my friend just take the car by the water and every time they spawn in it we shoot it into the ocean and they explode. One time we made our teammate go 0-49. It was one of the greatest moments of my life."

The ponies just stared at me, they clearly didn't comprehend the story. "Magic." I simply stated with a sigh. They stopped looking confused when I said that and started to nod their heads. Magic explains everything...

Then I thought of an even better story. "Oh, and this one time, two of my friends picked up these big machine gun turrets and stood on top of my mangoose (mongoose). And I drove them around really slowly while they shot people. I laughed so fucking hard..."

Once again the ponies didn't seem to understand the story and just gave me blank stares. Then Celestia looked around. "Oh, I didn't notice it was getting so late." It was only like 8:00 pm... "I'll have the guards show you all to your rooms." She meant me and the other ponies. "Sleep well, we can talk more in the morning."

After saying that she walked off and a white guard pony with golden armor came up. "Follow me please."

So we did, and he led us down several hallways until he got to a bunch of closed doors. "Here are your rooms, tell us if you need anything." The guard bowed his head slightly and then walked off. 

The other six ponies all went to separate rooms so I went and opened one that they hadn't already claimed. I pushed open the door to reveal a large nicely decorated room. It was fully furnished and had a big painting on one wall of a bunch of ponies in a ballroom. The most exciting thing in the room was probably the bed though. It was really large, much larger than any pony would ever need. The place even had it's own bathroom! It's easy to assume that this room was so nice because it's in the castle and they are probably used to important guests.

I returned my attention to the bed. I can't even remember the last time I slept in a proper bed. In fact, now that I think about it, when was the last time I slept at all?

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Alright, I'll just make that the end of the chapter... I was just gonna' write this all as one big chapter, but screw it. Either way, it's probably only going to be a few chapters long at most, unless I think of some legitimate plot... 
So yeah... Halo...


> Sleepy time with Halo man
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



I went and laid on the big, red blanket-clad bed. It was really soft for some reason, even though I was wearing a thick set of halo armor. I couldn't help but think about how weird of a situation I was in. A few hours ago I was killing halos in a never ending slaughterfest... Now I'm laying on a bed in a nice castle with a bunch of happy talking pony aliens. Thankfully this world still had the universal constant of 'magic' to help me explain everything. The ponies even seem to embrace the idea, other halos always thought I was stupid for mentioning it.

"Hehe, who's stupid now?" I mumbled. "I'm hanging out with ponies." I realized that this wouldn't last forever though, I enjoyed killing halos. I would want them to send me back once all of this was done. Hopefully they could, I never really asked them. Oh well.

I laid there for a few more minutes before I came to the realization that I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I haven't slept in God knows how long. I think I completely forgot how to. I rolled around a bit, hoping that the memory of something as simple as sleeping would come back to me. Unfortunately, after at least fifteen minutes of just laying there I still wasn't asleep.

"Perhaps I should ask for help." I realized at that point just how stupid that would sound. Who the hell doesn't know how to sleep? It's like if I walk up to the ponies and ask, 'Hey, how do I go to the bathroom?'...

Wait a second... "HOW DO I GO TO THE BATHROOM?!" With this suit on I'd probably have to pee on my leg if it came to that. I really don't want to pee on my leg... 

Perhaps if I make it sound like a joke they won't think too much about it. Yes! This was a perfect plan! "By the halo gods I will learn how to sleep!" Halo gods...? Do those even exist? Dang, why don't I know anything? I never even thought about these things until I came here, I was too busy fighting halos constantly to think about such hard questions. Perhaps this whole 'going to a new world' thing is just making me think about things. Whatever, I'll have plenty of time to think while I'm sleeping. I think that's how it works, I honestly don't know anything about sleeping.

With that thought I exited my room into the now empty hallway outside. They were all in their own rooms and it was fairly quiet, they were probably sleeping. "I wish I could sleep." I pouted. Then I walked up to one of the doors and knocked on it a few times with my hand. I didn't even think of how rude it would be if I was waking them up until after I knocked. Perhaps I should just go back to my room...

Then the door swung open to reveal the pink pony. She was wearing a huge smile like always and thankfully it didn't look like I woke her. It would be hard to tell, her hair is always pretty ruffled, but she didn't seem tired. 

"Hey there! Ooooh, did you come to my room to have a slumber party?! Did you not tell the others? Oh I see, its because I'm your favorite pony isn't it?" She stopped talking for long enough to lean over and poke me with one elbow and give a wink. I wasn't sure, but I think she was implying something.

I just chuckled to myself awkwardly. "Actually I was hoping you could help me with something. I don't think I know how to sleep..." I chuckled again and rubbed my arm. 

She gave another wink and her smile changed. "I know how to help you sleep..." She said that in a very seductive voice. This was getting awkward, now I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. I don't have much experience with girl halos because most of them think it's really weird when I hump people. I think I even started to sweat a little under my helmet. 

"Oh my, is it hot in here? Why don't you come in and I'll help you out of that armor..."

Oh shit, now I'm sure she was hitting on me! "Umm, haha... Good one Pinkie Pie... I'm just going to go back to my room and sleep now... You know I'll just go and............" I left the last part open hoping she would give me a hint or something. In retrospect it must have sounded really stupid. Of course, her answer didn't help much either. 

"And eat cake?"

I stared at her for a second. Is eating cake the key to sleeping? I decided to question her on it. "Why would I eat cake if I was trying to sleep?" 

She just shrugged with her pony shoulders. For some reason ponies have shoulders. "You can use it as a pillow or something." 

A pillow! Of course! It's so obvious! 

Step 1: Pillow
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Sleep
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit

Now I just need to figure out steps 2 and 4. Step 4 can wait, though, I need to figure out how to sleep first! Wait a second, how do pillows even work? Oh god, this is just one problem after another! "Ok, let's just pretend that I don't know how pillows work for a few seconds. Why don't you explain to me how I would use one."

"Hahaha, you're funny. Everypony knows how to use pillows! You just put your head on them silly!"

Aha! Of course, it's so obvious! You put your head on them! She has unintentionally given me information vital to my sleep! Muahahah, the fool! Then again, this is common knowledge. Perhaps I'm the fool here...

"Yeah, I was just joking about the pillow. Who doesn't know how to use a pillow? Haha..." I started to rub my arm some more for some reason. "Of course you still haven't answered my question about how to sleep."

Pinkie puckered her lips before answering. "How about you come in and I show you." She then turned around and rubbed her tail across my leg as she walked further into the room. This couldn't end well, but at the moment I was at the mercy of this pony. I have absolutely no idea how to sleep! 'Son, you gone get raped!' For some reason the voice in my head is really keen on pointing out whenever my butt is i danger. Perhaps I developed this from years of humping and thus being humped back by angry halos. 

I walked into the room a bit to see Pinkie Pie standing next to her bed with a devious smile on her face. "Come over here cutie and I'll show you all you need to know about sleeping." I couldn't help but gulp after the way she said it. The voice in my head was yelling at me to abort before it's too late, but I needed to do this. If I don't learn how to sleep now, when will I ever learn? Perhaps she'll make me breakfast afterwards...

I walked over to the bed and stood next to Pinkie Pie. This was the moment of the truth. 

"Alright, here's how you go to sleep." She simply got up on the bed, laid down, and fell asleep with master precision. It only took her a few seconds. But what did she do that allowed her to sleep?! I climbed on the bed next to her and examined her body to find what switch she had activated to allow her to sleep. 

At least I was doing it somewhat right before. Alright, I got on the bed. That's easy enough. Next I laid down in what felt like a natural way. Ok, she did that too, I think I'm on the right track here. But what did she do after that? I examined her sleeping form again and noticed something strange. Her eyes weren't open, normally ponies keep their eyes open. But wait! That must mean the key to sleeping is closing your eyes! Yes! It was so obvious! Why didn't I see it before?! 

I got up off the bed and did a little victory dance before running back to my room, I didn't even close the door on my way out. Admittedly, I was pretty excited about trying to sleep. I burst into my room and ran to the bed where I promptly laid down and closed my eyes. Yes! I was doing it! I was going to sleep!

Wait, was I asleep now? How do I tell? I'm not sure why, but I think it's supposed to feel different than being awake. I laid there like that for a solid ten minutes before I finally fell asleep for real.

I had a good dream about me and my halo friends' shenanigans. We suddenly spawned in Hemorrhoid (Hemorrhage), and me and one of my friends ran toward the nearest car. We'd done this dozens of times, he drives and I get on the turret in the back. We get soooo many kills. I'm just too good at aiming for other halos. As we drove towards the hill in the middle of the map I started singing. I always sing stupid songs and change the lyrics to describe what I'm doing, it's fun. 

"Twenty five years and my life is still, trying to drive up that great big hill in Hemorrhoid. In a halo car!" That's four non blondes' what's going on, made popular by He-man. Then I saw a relevant (Revenant, or a purple alien car for those of you who don't know what that is) driving at us and I promptly targeted that. Luckily, my driver is a champ and was able to expertly dodge the big pink explodies that it was shooting at us. It was actually more like him swerving around and getting lucky.

I just continued to spam bullets at it with my turret as it gave chase and soon it was on fire! Yes, we were going to kill it! Then suddenly blue explosions, thousands of them! I just floated there looking at my body under a pile of burning warthog debris trying to figure out what the hell just happened while the respawn timer beeped away. Then I heard one of my friends laughing really hard on his halo mic. "OH MY GOD! AHAHAHAHA! I think I accidently hit you guys..." For some reason he does that a lot with the tank... As soon as I respawned I looked over and sure enough, one of my friends was driving in the tank. 

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled.

Next thing I knew I was in some stupid forge world map as an alien man. Yeah, for some reason, we all randomly turn into aliens sometimes. It's the same thing but we can roll and we spawn with different weapons. It's sad really, rolling was the best thing ever. Then for some reason, every halo in the world forgot how to roll one day. I don't know how that works, but I miss it. Anyways, I was rolling around shooting people with my purple alien rifle when I realized something very important. Apparently aliens have a secondary weapon! Who knew?

So, being the curious little halo turned alien that I was, I pulled it out and decided to use it for the lol's. If you must know, the weapon is the plasma pistol which you can charge up to EMP and therefore remove the shields of other halos or aliens. So I did just that. I ran up to an alien, EMP'd him and then punched him in the face. He died instantly... I had the stupidest grin on my halo face as I realized how much fun I could have with this. So I ran around 'noob comboing', as people call it, the whole game. I have more class than that, though, so I call it 'EMPee pee punching' instead. It's kinda' an inside joke from my family, but I don't think it's hard to guess what a 'pee pee punch' is. 

Of course I humped every single person I EMPee pee punched, who would I be if I didn't? And then I got an angry message from some kid who was mad about getting humped. It was lol's and I sent him a message where I diagnosed him as 'butt-hurt'. Jokes on him, I'm not even a doctor!

Then I woke up. The light was shining on my visor through a nearby window. I didn't care though, I had slept! I think I even had dreams! This was the greatest moment ever! I got up on the bed and jumped into the air yelling, "Mission accomplished!" 


> A total eclipse of the heart
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------



Alright, today was going good so far. I successfully slept...

Now what? 

That question was soon answered by a knock on the door to my room. Now I go answer it, that's what. I walked over to the door and turned the doorknob... Wait, why do ponies even have doorknobs if they don't have hands? I thought back to yesterday where I saw the ponies easily gripping things such as cups with nothing but their hoof-like appendages. Perhaps they have magnets in there or something. No matter, I can think about that later. For now, I had a door to open!

So I pulled the door open to reveal none other than a pony. It was Twilight Sparkle to be exact.

"Oh hey." I gave an awkward wave.

"Hello Halo man, I came to invite you to breakfast. The princesses would be happy if you joined us." 

Even after I said I would help them they are still sucking up to me. Perhaps they are scared that I'll change my mind about helping them and go on a rampage through the castle. Team killing is hilarious! But no, killing all the ponies would just be a dick move. Besides, they're fluffy wuffy adorable, I don't think I have it in me to kill them. Then again, I punch coy fish to death in reflection and those are pretty cute. Alas, I'll decide whether or not I want to betray the ponies after breakfast.

"Alright, where is the kitchen?" 

"I'll show you. This castle can be pretty confusing if you don't know your way around. I'd hate for you to get lost." She turned and started walking and made a gesture for me to follow.

I'm sure that the main reason she was showing me wasn't so I wouldn't get lost, but so there was someone to keep an eye on me. Whatever, I'm sure they're just paranoid that there's a big alien thing with weapons walking around in their castle. So I began to follow her down the hall. After a few moments she started talking again.

"So... You said that thing on your back is a weapon? How is that thing possibly a weapon?" 

She doesn't seem to understand that I can use literally anything to beat people to death. I could use a small stick as an effective weapon. But I think she wants a better explanation than 'I can hit people with it' because it would be much more affective to use a club or something sharp. "This is a DMR, or a dick merging rifle. Or wait, that's not the right acronym at all... Either way, it's a gun. That means it uses tiny explosions to fire out pieces of metal at hundreds of miles an hour." 

She looked at it in disbelief for a few seconds before accepting that maybe I was telling the truth. "So it's magic?"

Wait a second, is it magic? No, human weapons aren't magic. And halo weapons are the same as human weapons. I think they use some type of witchcraft called 'science' to make them. I shook my head. "No, it's not magic. It's science!" 

"If it's not magic, then how does that thing possibly make tiny explosions?" 

"Hey, don't ask me. I just use it, I didn't make it. I'm a halo, not a scientist. I can give you a demonstration if you want."

She thought about it for a few seconds before deciding that that was a bad idea. "Perhaps later, I don't think you should start using your weapons in the castle." 

We continued to walk for a while in silence. This building was pretty large, I'm actually thankful that I had a guide at this point. Then Twilight started to get that curious look on her face again. For some reason ponies have really expressive faces. Halos don't make any facial expressions because of the helmets, so it's kinda' strange to see. "So what are those ball things on your suit for?"

I blushed when she asked about my balls and briefly wondered if I forgot to zip up my fly. Then I remembered that the suit doesn't have a fly, or does it? That would make going to the bathroom much easier. I can worry about that later, first I need to figure out what she was asking about. I looked down at myself and sure enough there were three balls strapped to my belt. It looked like two frag grenades and one sticky grenade, I completely forgot I had those.

It's weird though, I didn't even know the grenades went on my belt. Usually I just pick them up and they disappear somewhere inside my body, then when I make a throwing gesture they appear in my hand. Like with all my other questions, I can worry about how that works later. I simply picked up two grenades, one frag and one sticky, and held them in either hand for Twilight to see. The frag grenade is just your stereotypical grenade, while the sticky grenade is a blue ball about the size of my hand. There you go, I described things for the first time this story.

"These things explode. Want to see?" Now that I think about it, I must have sounded like some kind of suicide bomber at that point. 

She took a step back and shook her head. "No no. That's fine, I'll take your work for it."

I just shrugged and put the grenades back on my belt. "Fine, more explosions for me."

We continued walking for another minute or so before we came to some big doors. "Alright, we're here." She said as she pushed the doors open revealing a large dining hall. I walked in and immediately noticed the other ponies from yesterday sitting around one long table. They all waved to us as we entered so I decided that they probably wanted me to sit with them. 

I walked over to the table and noticed that one of the chairs was slightly bigger than the others. Clearly they had thought that would be more comfortable for me. I wasn't about to complain about having a more comfortable chair, so I took a seat. 

Celestia was the first to speak after I sat down. "Hello Halo man, did you sleep well?"

I slept so well, she doesn't even know. "I did."

"Woo let's get some food!" Yelled Pinkie Pie in her normal excited voice.

"I'll say, ah'm starving!" Agreed Applejack.

Less than ten seconds later a bunch of servant ponies came out carrying trays stacked with food in their teeth. They set them on the table and I gazed out at the huge amount of food. I honestly can't remember ever eating anything, I think there may be something wrong with me... Of course I knew what all of the food was, so I know it was edible. But how was I possibly going to eat?

The ponies seemed to be thinking the same thing because they were all watching to see what I would do. Perhaps it would be like when I drank something yesterday, maybe I can just kinda' push the food into my visor. I decided to experiment.

I reached out and picked up some kind of pastry thing that looked like a donut and tentatively brought it up level to my head. Ok, this was the moment of truth. I took a deep breath and then shoved the pastry into my visor. Sure enough, I just kinda' absorbed it into my face. It felt really weird, like my face was all tingly, but it worked. The pastry actually tasted pretty good too. It's weird that I can taste things by shoving them into my face...

The other ponies seemed to think it was really weird that I had literally just shoved a pastry into my head and stared at me with their mouths hanging open slightly. They kinda' resemble fish when they do that face. I couldn't help but think about the coy fish again, I really want to punch a fish right now for some reason. Unfortunately, none of the food on the table was fish. It looked like everything was either vegetables, fruit, or pastries. I wonder if ponies eat meat. 

After a few moments I decided to try to break the tension. "The foods pretty good." 

That seemed to snap the ponies out of their stupor and they turned to the food in front of them that smelled so delicious. That was the first time I ever noticed that I could smell things. Then I saw the most horrifying thing I have ever seen, and I've fought in a war. 

Pinkie Pie suddenly unhinged her jaw like some kind of snake and devoured an entire plate of food in one gulp. There was no remorse, no pity, she just ate it all. Thankfully none of the ponies could see the disturbed look under my helmet. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have nightmares (hehe girl ponies at night) about that for years.

All the ponies began eating in a more normal manner and they seemed to ignore Pinkie as she devoured pounds and pounds of food. Remind me no to never make that pony mad, she'll probably eat me... I decided to partake in some more food so I picked up a couple different kinds of fruit and absorbed them into my face. After that I felt like I couldn't eat anymore without getting sick so I stopped. 

The ponies continued to eat for a few minutes before they looked like they were getting full. I'm pretty sure Pinkie ate at least fifty pounds of food by herself, but the others didn't seem to notice. Then they started another conversation, once again with me. I know I'm interesting, but all of their questions seem to be focused on me. 

"So, how have you been liking the castle so far?" Celestia asked this one.

"It's pretty nice, and it's really big." The ponies nodded in contempt until one of them spoke up again. This time it was Fluttershy who talked.

"So.. Do you have any hobbies? I hope you don't mind me asking, I was just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to..." I ignored the pony's apparent lack of self confidence and thought about the question briefly. Do I have any hobbies? Pretty much all I do is run around killing people, I drive vehicles sometimes, but that's just so I can kill more people. I don't think killing people is really a hobby as much as a job. Then I realized that I sing a lot, perhaps that's a hobby.

"Well, I guess I like to sing." This seemed like an acceptable answer to the ponies and they all seemed to brighten up.

"Oh darling, you should sing us a song. I'd just absolutely love to hear a halo song!" Rarity stated and the others agreed with head nods.

Oh shit, they were going to make me sing a song now! I looked around quickly to see if I could find anything to change the subject with but all I saw was a small stage with a piano. Apparently they had entertainment sometimes while they ate.

"Come on! Pleeeeeeease!" Pinkie Pie was suddenly up in my face with big puppy dog eyes. "Sing us a song Halo man!"

Oh shit, how do I say no to a face like that?! Just the thought of saying no made my heart ache like some magical force was scraping it with a magical cheese grater. Unfortunately I couldn't look away, even if I tried. It was horrible. It looks like I would have to sing them a song now. "Fine." I said, thankfully she stopped with the eyes and realized that I had been holding my breathe. 

Ok, now I HAD to sing a song or they would soul rape me with their eyes until I did. Well, most of the songs I know are metal, but I don't generally sing those. Perhaps I could sing 'never gonna' give you up', I know all the words to that. I decided that that isn't a very good song though, I normally just sing it to piss people off. Unfortunately it seemed like the only instrument there was a piano, so that severely limited the songs I could use. 

Then I thought of one song that I know that uses almost entirely piano. Oh god, I don't even like this song. I learned the lyrics so I could piss my friend off this one time. Oh well, it looks like the only one I could do right now.

I got up from the table and walked up to the stage where I sat down on the piano stool. Thankfully, pony pianos are the same as human ones for some reason. Then I remembered that I've never even played a piano before. Oh well, how hard could it possibly be? Surprisingly, it was really easy, and I started playing the beginning of the song. Normally the song would be a duet, but I just sang both parts.

If you need to, just imagine master chief singing this.

Turnaround, every now and then I get a 
little bit lonely and you're never coming around 
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears 

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by 
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a 
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes 

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I fall apart 
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and 
then I fall apart 

And I need you now tonight 
And I need you more than ever 
And if you'll only hold me tight 
We'll be holding on forever 
And we'll only be making it right 
Cause we'll never be wrong together 
We can take it to the end of the line 
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time 
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark 
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks 
I really need you tonight 
Forever's gonna start tonight 
Forever's gonna start tonight 

Once upon a time I was falling in love 
But now I'm only falling apart 
There's nothing I can do 
A total eclipse of the heart 

Once upon a time there was light in my life 
But now there's only love in the dark 
Nothing I can do 
A total eclipse of the heart


I stopped there instead of just repeating all of that again. That's pretty much how the song goes. I looked up from the piano and noticed that quite a few other ponies had gathered around while I sang. It looked like all the nearby guards and kitchen staff wanted a piece of my sexy singing voice. 

I was kinda' embarrassed that so many ponies had been watching me sing until I noticed that almost all of them were crying. Even some of the guards were shedding manly tears. 

"That was beautiful Halo man!" Said Rarity as a tear rolled down her face.

Apparently the ponies liked my singing. It's funny because I'm not even that good at singing, I usually just do it as a joke. Oh well, I'm not gonna' complain about it. Maybe I'm magically good at singing suddenly.


	
> Punching fish
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note: New chapter? Well, If you insist...
--------------

I got off the stage after finishing my terrible singing. Apparently the ponies like it, but my self steam is much too low to acknowledge that I might actually be good. Oh, and the fact that I'm not stupid. I assume the ponies were just trying to be nice, they seem to be doing that a lot. So I walked back to the table where the ponies were wiping (obviously fake) tears from their eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us you were so good at singing earlier?" Asked Rarity.

I just rolled my halo eyes under my halo visor. They couldn't see this though, so I shrugged, I wasn't going to let these ponies make me actually believe I'm good at something that doesn't have to do with killing and humping. "Meh." 

Then Celestia cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you all for breakfast, but I have my duties to attend to." 

Twilight bowed her head slightly and smiled. "It's always great being able to talk to you princess."

She turned and left with Luna following closely behind. Then Twilight turned to me. "We were planning on going shopping around Canterlot, want to come?"

That didn't sound particularly fun, I don't think I've ever enjoyed shopping. Besides, I don't have money. Not to mention I'm like an alien here, all the ponies will probably flip shit when they see me. "Naw, I think I need some time to think."

Twilight seemed to understand. "Well if you want a peaceful place to think, there is the castle gardens. It's just out that door and down the hall." She pointed to a side door to the dining room before continuing. "See you later."

"Yeah, perhaps I'll go there. Bye."

She turned and started walking and rarity came up to me. "Why, darling. You simply MUST let me design something for you. Perhaps a suit or something."

"Sorry, I'm quite attached to this suit." I said with a wink, it was supposed to be a joke because I don't think I've ever taken the armor off, but they didn't catch that. Nor did they see my wink. 

"Well, I understand. It is quite nice. Perhaps I can do something to make it nicer then." 

I liked the sound of that. Maybe I can get some swag like a pimp hat or something to make all the other halos jealous once I go back. "Sure, that sounds good."

She smiled and hurried to catch up to Twilight and the others who had started to walk towards the door.

I turned and walked towards the other door that Twilight had pointed out. The main reason why I was going to the gardens is because I have no idea where my room is. This castle is too confusing for me.Perhaps I can even find something to hump out there. 

I stopped walking after thinking this. Dang, I think there's something wrong with me. Why am I so obsessed with humping things? Whatever, that can wait till I get outside, I have a lot of things to think about.

I pushed through the door and walked down a hall until I saw a door that led outside. Sure enough, the area outside looked like some massive garden. It was decorated by all kinds of plants and statues. I walked outside and noticed how peaceful it was. Perhaps this is a good place to think. I walked for a while until I got to a bench sitting next to a big fountain with some fish statues on it. 

I sat on the bench and started to ponder some things. First off, what should I do now? I told the ponies that I would help them, but I really don't know what they want my help with. They could want me to fight like a giant demon monster for all I know. Or even worse, a banshee. Those things are fucking op... Who had the bright idea to give them the ability to spin all over the place really fast and fire out infinite heat seeking explosives? Well, I guess that's why the aliens won the war, because they have op ass weapons.

Meh, whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be THAT bad. But do I really want to help them? I mean, I usually just betray the shit out of people if I get the chance. Like in infection. This brought back some good memories about playing infection with my friends. In infection, you are allied with all the other non-zombie halos but you aren't technically on their team. This means that you can murder them and it counts as a betrayal, but they can't boot you from the game for doing it. It's even easier than it would normally be because you start out with a shotgun.

I usually just go into whatever area all my allies have gathered at and shotgun each of them in the back of the head and them hump them. It's great fun and they always throw a tantrum on their mics. Little do they know, their tears taste delicious. Then they respawn and they either get murdered by zombies or they run back and we betray them again.  

Those were some good times, then Bungie had to go and fix it so you can't team kill people on there. Wait a second, who's Bungie? I thought about it for a while until I remembered something about how it was the one who made halos in the first place. So Bungie is halo God I guess. Ok, I got that question out of the way, now back to whether or not I should betray the ponies. At that point I got a mental image of me punching Rainbow Dash in the face with enough force to kill a guy in a full suit of armor. I cringed at the idea of killing something so cute. 

Ok, well I guess I'm not going to do that. Now what? Ok, so why can't I remember doing anything other than fighting a war against aliens and then fighting halos? I didn't even know how to sleep until last night! What's wrong with me? Hmmm, maybe I'm a robot. No, that's just ridiculous! Robots are just a fairy tail. 

Maybe, just maybe. When I died to the aliens, I lost most of my memory. Then I went to some hell where I was forced to fight for all eternity? All right, that's the best hypothesis I can come up with, so I'll just stick with that. 

Stupid Bungie, sending me to halo hell... Or maybe it's halo heaven. I mean, I have plenty of fun there. Whatever, that's just more questions I can't answer. 

Next question, can I take off my suit? I reached up and tried pulling off my helmet, but found that it was stuck. I did the same with my gloves and boots and chest piece, but to no avail. Ok, looks like I'm stuck with the suit. 

Alright, that wasn't so hard, perhaps I should just think more often. I got a lot of answers out of it. Of course, now what am supposed to do? I walked over to the fountain and looked at it more closely. I hadn't paid any mind to the statue being of fish until just now.

"I hate fish." I really don't know why, I just do. I've always hated sea food, at least I think I have. I can't remember ever eating fish. "I really feel like punching fish today for some reason." I then contemplated whether or not I should punch the statue. I looked around quickly and noticed that there was no one in the immediate area to get mad at me, so I decided to punch the thing. I pulled my arm back, ready to deliver a fatal punch to the non-living fish abomination, when I noticed something in the water below me.

I looked down, and sure enough, there were fish. It wasn't hard to identify the big orange and white things as coy fish. 

"Coy fish." I muttered. "My mortal enemy." I then redirected my punch that was going to be for the statue to the nearest fish in the fountain. It was just  swimming there, minding its own business and happily enjoying being a coy fish in a world full of happy colorful ponies without a care in the world, when suddenly a big fist came from nowhere and punched it right in the head. It was dead instantly.

I smiled to myself, one down. Like twenty more to go. I then jumped into the fountain and ran around punching the shit out of all the innocent little fish. Within minutes, the fountain was littered with bodies, and I stood victorious, knee deep in water and fish carcasses. "By Bungie I swear, I will kill all fish that cross my path!" I then gave a silent prayer to BP to pour more oil into the ocean. I have no idea who BP is, but it seemed like the right thing to do at that moment. Then I realized just how hard it will be to fight fish if I can't even go into the water without dying. I mean, I can go into it, but as soon as it gets too deep I just die instantly. What's up with that? I can literally survive in space with my armor on, but water kills me instantly.

After a short moment of relishing my victory over the uncouth fish scum, I was interrupted.

"I say, what in the name of Celestia are you doing there?" I looked over to see that it was a light brown pony stallion with neatly combed gray hair and a monocle. He was standing with a couple other ponies who all looked really fancy for some reason and each had a look of disgust on their faces. 

"Punching fish. What does it look like I'm doing?" I asked as I stepped out of the fountain. 

"How absolutely barbaric!" Said a pinkish white girl pony who was wearing an elegant peach colored dress. 

"Yes, who let such an animal into the gardens? Guards! Guards! There's a monster in the gardens!" Yelled another stallion with a tan coat and dark brown hair. 

I just chuckled to myself. The idea of fancy ponies was just silly for some reason. Then a pair of guards ran up behind the other ponies. They were white with golden armor like all the other guards. I briefly wondered if all the guards were related or if they only chose white ponies to be the guards. Or maybe Celestia lays a bunch of eggs and when they hatch she raises them into guard ponies and that's why they are all white like her! No, that's just a ridiculous idea. 

Then the two guards took a look at me. "This must be the guest that Celestia told us all about." He then turned towards the other ponies. "It's fine, this is Celestia's guest."

The brown pony then raised his nose up in disgust. "Why would Celestia have such vermin running around her castle?"

Alright, now he was just being a dick, so I decided I'd be mean back. I walked up to him and grabbed the monocle off his face. Now that I was closer, I could see that it was studded with a bunch of small sapphires, it must be worth a lot. I then put it up to my visor where my eye would normally be. Surprisingly, it stuck there. "Hey guys, look at me. I'm a fancy pony now too!" I said this in a mocking voice while waving my arms around.

The three ponies huffed in distaste of my behavior. "By the way, I'm keeping this." I said as I walked away with the monocle. The brown pony was shocked that I had just taken his monocle and walked off so he turned to the guards. 

"Aren't you going to do something?!"

The two guards looked at each other for a second before turning back to the brown pony. "Buck that, I heard he has a sword that's so sharp it can easily cut furniture into little pieces with one swipe."

The other guard nodded and continued for him. "And besides, he just punched all those fish to death. That guys crazy! I'm not going anywhere near him if I can help it."

I just walked off chuckling to myself. I was in a great mood right now. I just beat the shit out of a bunch of fish, then I trolled some ponies. The best part is, now I have this kick ass monocle. 


	
> Pown-ing ponies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note; I really should get back to typing my raptor story... People are going to kill me if I don't. Oh who am I kidding, no one cares that much. Oh well, I'm having too much fun typing about halos and shit.
---------------

Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Time goes too slow, how am I supposed to entertain myself for 24 hours 7 days a week? That's too long! I mean, it's only like noon and I've already performed a solo for the princesses, beat up a bunch of fish, and commandeered a monocle. The monocle is really nice by the way, judging by the size of the gems on it, it's got to be worth like at least several million credits. With all those credits I can buy all the helmets! 

Wait a second... Why would I even want all the helmets? I've only ever worn like two of them, and I've bought like ten different ones. In fact, why do I want money to start with, it's pretty much worthless. They pay us to kill halos, just so we can give them all the money back by buying shit from them? Wow, my life up to this point has been a complete waste of time. 

Unfortunately, now that I'm here I'm having trouble wasting time. Rarity won't be back for at least several hours so I can't go take her up on her offer to pimp me out just yet. What in the Bungie hell am I going to do for several hours? Maybe I can go on an adventure or something? Yeah, I'll just leave the castle grounds and find something to do for a few hours than come back.

I jogged for a little while towards what I thought was the edge of the gardens. Thankfully, it didn't take too long since I have the sprint power up. I can run pretty quick with that, which helps when idiots are shooting at you. Once I got there, I was severely disappoint, though. Basically, the castle grounds just kinda' end abruptly with a drop that has to be at least a mile long. 

"What kind of sick joke is this? Who the hell builds a castle a mile off the ground?!" I looked down for a little bit, briefly contemplated jumping. I quickly decided that a fall from this height would probably kill me. I've pushed enough people off the spire to know what it looks like when you hit the ground after falling that far. It's really funny to push your teammates off while they are trying to snipe. 

"Alright, so I'm on a flying castle in a land of magic talking ponies. This is just getting fucked up." I looked back and noticed the mountain behind the far side of the castle. "Oh, it's just built into the mountain, not flying, that's still freaking dumb." I looked over the edge and examined the bottom of the castle as best as I could for a few seconds. From what I could tell, there was very little in the way of support to keep the castle up.

A well placed explosive would probably bring down the entire mountain side in a rockslide, and with it the castle. What idiot would build something in such a dumb place? I then thought about my grenades. I wonder if I could collapse this entire castle, that would be fucking hilarious. Just think how mad they will be as I hump their entire castle as it lay in ruins. 

No, that would just be mean. This is a pretty nice castle and stuff. Then again, I believe it was spiderman who said 'the nicer something is, the more enjoyable it is to destroy'.

No, I can entertain myself with something that doesn't involve murdering potentially thousands of ponies. I started walking again, this time in no apparent direction. If I wander for long enough, eventually I'll find something to do. 

Thankfully, it didn't take long to spot a large group of guard ponies. From the looks of it, they were assembled outside of their barracks and were training with wooden swords. The unicorns clearly had an unfair advantage in that they could just levitate the swords while the pegasus and 'earth' ponies had to hold them in their mouths. Maybe I could have some fun here. With that thought I left the gardens and walked towards them. 

It didn't take long for the group to notice me, being a big two-legged purple guy, approaching them, and they stopped what they were doing. They all just kinda' stared at me. Apparently, the guards had been briefed about my presence, which is probably why they weren't trying to kill me right now. Either that, or the ponies are just softer than I previously thought. 

"Umm, hello? You must be the one that Celestia mentioned. I'm captain D-"

I decided to interrupt at this point as memories of my old drill sergeant from halo school came back to me. "I don't give half a shit about your name, OC ponies don't get names." I then looked around at the other guards. "What are you staring at? Did I say you could stop playing with your little sticks or did you decide that today is a good day to die!? I see you stop your training one more time and I'll cut your skin off and hang it up on a flagpole for everyone to see!" Admittedly, I'm not very good at the whole 'drill sergeant' thing.

Then the captain pony stepped forward. "You can't talk to us like that!"

"Oh I can't talk to you like that? Are you going to start crying or are you going to do something about it?" Yeah I was being a complete dick, but maybe this will get interesting. 

The ponies all glared at me and one earth pony guard that was particularly large stepped forward. He was easily a head taller than all the other ponies in the group and was much more muscular. He looked me up and down before saying anything. "You don't look so tuff."

"Aww that's cute, is the little pony going to fight me?" I have absolute confidence in my abilities. 

He snarled at me and grabbed a wooden sword off the ground with his mouth before answering. "I'm gonna' kick your flank!" It's pretty impressive that he was able to say that with the stick in his mouth. Yeah, yeah, that's what she said.

Now was my chance to look like a complete badass. I simply put my hand forward, palm up, and made a waving gesture towards myself with my fingers while saying, "come at me, bro".

Then the pony came at me (bro). He rushed foward, closing the short gap between us, and swung the stick as hard as he could into my chest. It connected making a loud clanking noise. I just stood there completely still as the stick bounced off my chesticles, it hardly even damaged my armor's shields. The pony stood there shocked for a few seconds before he reared back for another strike. 

Now I wasn't going to let him turn me into a pinata (I wonder if under the suit I'm full of candy), one hit was enough, so I reached a hand out and caught the stick mid swing. Yeah I know, I was being a big show off, but whatever. You can hardly blame me, I was bored. I believe it was Shakespear that said, 'if you got it, flaunt it'. And I definitely had it. And by 'it' I mean super strength. As he tried to yank the stick out of my grip I reached over with my other arm and grabbed him under the stomach and easily lifted him over my head. Thank Bungie I'm a super soldier or this might be difficult. 

I then spun around a few times like a mexican wrestler before caber tossing him a few dozen feet away where he landed in a pile of wooden crates. The other guards seemed shocked that I had beaten their friend so easily, but quickly came to their senses and started glaring at me again. Then I saw that look in their eyes, the look that all the butt-hurt noobs have when you hump them. The look that says 'I'm going to keep running at you over and over again trying to kill you for the rest of the game because you made me mad'. I have a feeling that this is going to get ugly fast.

Then, as though they had rehearsed it, they all ran at me at once wielding their sticks. "Aw shit, zerg rush!" (lol zerglings) I yelled as they came forward and started slapping at me with their sticks. Whatever, looks like I'm gonna be beating the hell out of ponies now. It briefly crossed my mind that perhaps I shouldn't murder them all. Yeah, perhaps that would be a bit much.

I took a step back as a nearby pegasus swooped at me with a stick. I simply blocked the wood with my left arm and punched him right in the forehead with the other. I was careful not to punch too hard. He flew to the ground a few feet away and a unicorn quickly stepped into his place. He swung at my legs with the stick hoping to get me off balance, but I just stepped onto the stick and held it to the ground with my weight. The suits pretty heavy.

As he strained his magic to move the stick I simply lifted my leg and kicked him in the side of the head while blocking another stick with my other hand. Then another earth pony with a stick came from my right. I simply jumped at him and delivered an uppercut into his jaw. It was enough to launch him a few feet into the air and he soon landed with a thud. 

At that point it just turned into me punchinating every pony that got close enough, it was really easy. No wonder they brought me to fight for them, these ponies are noobs. In less than thirty seconds, the entire group lay on the ground clutching wherever I had hit them at. They were gonna' have some serious bruises later, I probably even broke some bones. Oh well. I started dry humping for a few seconds to show them who's boss before stopping. It looks stupid if I'm not humping a dead body... 

I chuckled to myself. It looks like I pown-ied them. Hehe, my jokes are just awful... 

Then I heard a pony coming up from behind me and turned to see another white pony wearing fancy purple armor. "What the buck is going on here?!" He glared at me angrily, able to piece together that I had beaten the crap out of all the guards by looking at the scene. "You're under arrest!"

Lol shit, this pony meant business. Then I thought of an excellent quote from Robocop, "You'll never take me alive coppers!" As I said this I turned to run but I felt myself getting lifted up off the ground. I looked back to see that I was surrounded by a purple glow. I looked back at the guard pony and noticed the smug look on his face.

"You're pretty heavy." He then turned and started walking towards the castle while towing me behind with his magic. 

"Fucking op ass magic..." I muttered to myself.


> Tunnel snakes rule!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note: I thought I'd mention that this story is 100% canon and there is nothing you can do about it. This is what the ponies are doing while we wait for season 3. Problem? 
---------------

We walked all the way back to the castle, or rather, he walked. Or trotted, whatever. Anyway, I wasn't too happy about being carried around like a new born child so I sat there with my arms crossed. 

"Stupid idiot unicorns and their stupid idiot magic. I oughta punch ALL the unicorns after this..." I grumbled to myself. I was pretty upset at the time, sorry for all the QQ.

My gracious carrier just ignored me as he levitated me towards the castle. Dang, it was gonna take several minutes at this rate. I can't remember a time when I've had to sit there for that long without doing anything. Usually there's at least someone to shoot at, and if there isn't than I run around looking for someone to shoot at. It was at that point that I decided that I need some way to entertain myself. If I just sat there for several minutes I would literally die of boredom. So I started singing.

"Tunnel snakes rule! We're the tunnel snakes! That's us, and we rule rule r-r-r-r-rule!"

I pretty much just repeated that verse a bunch as we walked through the castle. I got some pretty weird looks from the ponies we passed, especially when we stopped by what I assumed was the medical bay, but it was worth it. I didn't stop until we got to a big fancy door in the middle of the castle. I could only assume that this is where he was taking me as he stopped in front of it and whispered to one of the guards stationed by it.

The guard simply nodded and pushed the big door open for us to enter. I wasn't sure exactly where we were going until I saw the throne room behind the door with Celestia and Luna sitting in big chairs. Aw shit, this was gonna' be awkward. They noticed us instantly and I saw a big trollish smile appear on Celestia's face. 

"Oh, Shining Armor, what a pleasant surprise. And I see you've met our guest." 

"Yes. I found our guest outside, beating up a bunch of my guards while they were training!" Right to the point...

Luna couldn't help but giggle when she heard this, but the angry look on Shining Armor's face quickly silenced her. "How many guards exactly?" Asked Celestia after a moment.

"About fifteen." I replied for Shining Armor while examining my fingers as though it was no big deal.

"Are they... Are they dead?" 

"What? No, I went easy on them." It was the truth. 

She sighed and rubbed her face with a hoof for a few seconds before looking back at me. "You want to explain to me WHY you decided to beat up a group of MY guards?"

Oh shit, here comes the lecture. Oh well, I was gonna' play it off like it was no big deal, so I shrugged. "I was bored."

"And you thought it would be a good idea to get into a fight with a bunch of guards?"

"Yeah, I'm glad you understand. Now can you put me down?" I was getting pretty tired of being carried around, and by the way Shining Armor was now sweating and breathing heavily, he was getting tired of carrying me. Of course he looked to the princess before deciding on anything. She nodded to him so he dropped me onto the ground. I grunted and stood up, he didn't have to drop me like that...

Celestia sighed again. "I'm gonna need a better explanation than 'I was bored'."

"Alright, well I was kinda' just looking for something to do and I saw the guards training. In retrospect, I pretty much picked a fight with them. Yeah, it was kinda' a dick move... Anyways, they attacked me first with their sticks and so I beat them up." I noticed the glare that Celestia was giving me so I thought I'd make it look a little better. "At least I didn't use any weapons."

Celestia once again started to rub her face, just with both front hoofs this time. She was clearly frustrated with my behavior. "Shining Armor could you get a medical team to go and check on them?"

"Already did." He saluted. He talked to some medical ponies on the way in, which was made weird by my singing.

Celestia nodded and then turned back to me. "I hope you know that normally you would go straight to the dungeon for assaulting castle guards, but since you're new I guess I can let you off with a warning." The real reason is that she wanted me to help her, I just know it. Then she noticed my monocle. "Where'd you get the monocle from?"

I snickered as the great memory from earlier today came back to me. "Some gracious pony was nice enough to give it to me. It's quite surprising, these gems must be worth a fortune."

"Huh? Gems are fairly common, they aren't worth very much."

"WHAT!? Awww that sucks, I thought it was worth a lot." Now I was dissapoint. Oh well, it's still worth a lot where I come from.

"I think it makes you look like quite the gentlecolt." Said Luna while giggling wildly. 

"Sister, we should not encourage this kind of behavior." Said Celestia sternly. 

"Well excuuuuuse me princess! I just wanted something to do."

Celestia once again face hoofed. At this rate, she was probably going to accidently pull her whole face off. "You could have just asked for something to do. Why don't you go make something in the kitchen or something?"

I don't think I've ever cooked anything, but that didn't sound like too bad of an idea. I'll probably just end up throwing random ingredients together... "Meh, alright. Where's the kitchen?"

"Shining Armor, do you think you can show Halo man to the kitchen?"

The frown on his face showed that he wasn't happy about letting me go off without punishment, but he bowed to the princesses. "Of course princess."

Celestia smiled down at him. "You know you don't have to call me princess. I'm your aunt, you don't have to be so formal with me."

"I'm sorry princess, but it doesn't seem proper for the captain of the guard to disregard formalities like that."

"Alright, let's go!" I said while swinging my arm in an overly dramatic way. I didn't really want to get caught up in a family moment or something. Shining Armor just turned and started walking out the doors again. I turned towards the thrones as I left and gave the best mock salute I could manage. "Don't worry princesses, I'll make something real good!" I then turned and followed Shining Armor.

After following him for a few moments I decided to strike up a conversation since it was apparent that he wasn't going to start one. "So, you're a guard captain huh? You ever fight in any wars?"

He turned his head towards me as we were walking and raised one eyebrow. "Wars? We haven't had any wars here in hundreds of years! Everypony knows what."

"Hmm, just give it time. I'm sure the aliens will come incinerate your planet eventually."

"What are you talking about aliens?" He looked extremely confused at this point.

Le sigh. They don't even know about the Cover... Covener... Convoyer... Covenant! Yeah Covenant, that's what they're called! The aliens! I briefly thought about the ponies fighting a bunch of aliens. It was amusing at first, then I realized the ponies would get raped in a war with them. "Don't worry about it. Soooo you and Celestia are related. That must be pretty cool."

Shining Armor continued to stare at me for a few more seconds before he decided that whatever I had said about aliens wasn't important. "I married her niece. So yeah, she's my aunt now."

"That's cool." It wasn't really cool, I just didn't know what else to say. Thankfully, we were at the kitchen now. 

Shining Armor stopped by the door. "Here's the kitchen, now I have important things to do. Try not to get into any more fights or I'll come up here and personally drag you to the dungeons."

This was clearly meant to intimidate me, but I'm a halo. I doesn't afraid of anything! "Yeah whatever." I then turned and walked into the kitchen where I was immediately met by a scene of chaos. There were kitchen workers scurrying around all over the place making things. The chef quickly took notice of me and walked over. I could tell he was the chef because he had a big chef hat and a long, well-groomed, black moustache. I didn't even think ponies could grow out their facial hair, I mean, they already have fur there.

"Vat are you dojng in my kitchen?! Get out at vonce, ve are busy making ze lunch for le princess." He had one of the stupidest accents I've ever heard. 

I wasn't just going to turn around and leave though, I'm a man on a mission. A mission to make food! "The princess sent me here to make something."

He scoffed at the idea of me making anything good. "Fine, but stay out of my vay!" He turned around and left, leaving me to fend for myself in this unfamiliar terrain. I think the closest thing to a kitchen I've ever been into is that room with a fridge and a microwave at power house. 

I walked over to an uninhabited counter and started to think of what I could make. Then it came to me, it was so obvious. I can make pizza! I don't even think it's that hard to make. I then searched the cabinets for what I needed. For some reason, I know how to make pastry dough. I don't know where that knowledge came from, but I'm not gonna' question it. 

It wasn't hard to find the ingredients, they seemed to have a surplus of everything so I was able to quickly get to work. I even found a cool chef hat to wear atop my helmet while I worked. Unfortunately, there was no meat to be found, I'd have to make a cheese pizza. It's hardly even pizza without pepperoni... Then I remembered the perfect song to sing while making pizza, and I started singing it while I mixed the batter up in a bowl. 

Pizza, P-I-Z-Z-A. Gimme pizza.
Uh, did I happen to say, I want pizza.
P-I-Z-Z-A. I want pizza.
Hey, are you ready to play?

By this point I was getting really weird looks from all the other kitchen workers. Pshh, like I even care.

Now set down the pizza and bring me some chicken.
Throw it on top and make it finger lickin'
Guacomole. Meatballs, whip cream pouring like waterfalls.
Here's some salsa to make it hot.
Here's a lot of ice cream to hit the spot.
Toss the fish, let it fly, fly, fly, pizza pie.

Pizza, P-I-Z-Z-A. Gimme pizza.
Watch it rise like a soufflé.
Gimme pizza. P-I-Z-Z-A.
I want pizza. You think we should stop?

Get your motors ready cause here we go.
Chocolate sauce, spreading it slow.
Oreos, marshmallows, caramel, coconut cream, egg foo young, chicken tongue.
Hold the eyeballs. I'm gonna scream.
Now don't forget the rice or mashed potatoes.
And what about these fried green tomatoes?
Batter's up, catcher's ready.
1-2-3-4-5...spaghetti!

Pasta...Put it in the pizza.
Fist sticks...Put it in the pizza.
Ketchup...Put it in the pizza.
Meatloaf...Put it in the pizza

By the time I was done with my song, all the other chefs were looking at me in horror. I'll admit, it's a terrible song, but for some reason I find it really funny. I just ignored them as I took my finished pizza out of the oven. I think I made it way bigger than I should have, it's easily twice as much as I can possibly eat. Maybe I'll share. 

I then put my pizza on a big metal tray and walked out the kitchen door into the dining hall. I was surprised to see a bunch of ponies at all the tables, apparently they were about to get lunch or something. Most of the tables were filled with guards and who I assumed were the castle slaves. I even spotted some of the guards who I beat up earlier. I could only tell them apart from the others because they had bruises and they flinched when they saw me. 

Then I spotted a table with the princesses and the other six ponies I knew. Pinkie Pie started waving at me excitedly so I walked over and joined them.

"Hey guys."

"Hey Halo man!" They all said at once. I sat down at the big chair and set my huge tray of pizza on the table. The ponies all stared at it for a seconds before looking to me. 

"What's that?" Asked Applejack. Ok, apparently they don't know what pizza is... What kind of sick joke is this?! How does something even survive without pizza? Probably magic I guess.

"It's....." I stood up and pointed my arm up with one finger pointed out dramatically. "PIZZA!"

"Is it... Edible?" Said Twilight while poking a hoof towards it. 

"Heh, I don't know. Admittedly I don't think I've ever cooked before. I guess there's only one way to find out." I then pulled out my alien laser sword and carefully cut the pizza into a bunch of pieces. Sure, that's not what the sword was originally designed for, but it worked great as a pizza cutter.Then I grabbed one piece and pushed it into my visor.

It was... Good... The crust could be crispier, and the tomato sauce to cheese ratio was a little off, but it wasn't bad. It could also use some toppings, but it was too late for that. "Heh, not bad. Unfortunately, there was no pepperoni in the kitchen. They must have used it all up or something. Anyways, do you guys want some?"

The ponies looked at me, then at the pizza, then at each other. Then Pinkie Pie finally reached her arm out longer than it should have been able to stretch and grabbed a piece which she promptly devoured. "Mmmm, it's pretty good!"

As she said that, the other ponies, including Celestia and Luna, decided that the food was safe and took their own pieces. They seemed to enjoy it moderately, but Pinkie really liked it. Then again, I think Pinkie Pie likes all food. Thankfully I made a lot or there wouldn't have been enough to go around. Of course, it didn't last long with Pinkie there...

"That was pretty good, Halo man. I'm glad I suggested you go to the kitchen earlier." Said Celestia with a wink. I don't think she told the others about me beating up the guards. 

Then the kitchen staff brought out a bunch of plates of food that completely outclassed my terrible cooking. Stupid ponies actually knowing how to cook. The ponies spent the rest of the meal sharing stories about their shopping adventures that they had during the last few hours.


	
> Swag swag
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I finally made a proper picture for this! Of course I had to use paint so it looks terrible... Oh well... Yeah, I got on bungie.net for the first time ever to get a sex-tastic picture of my halo man. I love you guys THAT much. Yes, that's what he looks like, I know it's stupid, that's the point. At least he doesn't have a lemon head helmet or something...
------------

After lunch Rarity basically dragged me off down the hall to her room in the castle. Apparently she was excited to 'work' on my armor. I was excited too, all the other halos are gonna' be soooo jelly! Not literally, if they were jelly, they wouldn't be halos. 

Once we got there she forced me into a chair and started examining every inch of my armor. It was pretty awkward for me... After a few minutes of her raping me with her eyes she finally spoke up.

"Bend over!" Wait what?! I turned my head and looked at her, trying to portray how much 'what the fuck' I was feeling at that moment. It's hard to show emotions when you don't have a face... I think she understood though and she quickly blushed and looked away from me. "Sorry darling, old habit... What I meant was, I'm going to make you fabulous!" 

Ok, I guess that's a bit better. "So, what are you planning on doing?" I really wasn't sure what she was going to try.

She simply responded by grabbing a box in her magic and opening it to reveal a bunch of jewelry and gems. "Gems make everything better. Since I can't really change your armor, I'll just have to add things to make it more beautiful." I suppose that's sound logic, and I wasn't about to argue with getting a bunch of gems. I don't even have to feel too badly about getting the free gems because apparently they aren't worth very much here. 

"But first, we have to do something about that tacky hat!" I reached up and noticed that I was still wearing the chef hat from my cooking extravaganza earlier. I nearly forgot about that. She simply grabbed it in her magic and tossed it in a nearby trash can.

"But I need a hat, the fans demand it!" 

She looked at me like I was crazy for a second before doing one of those pony shrugs. "I'll see what I can do." No more time was wasted with talk as she began levitating large purple amethysts out of her box and attaching them to my armor. She put two rectangular ones about two inches long on my shoulder pads and a slightly larger diamond shaped one on my chest. Fuck yeah, I'm now the most expensive halo in the world.

Once those were on, she pulled out some smaller sapphires and put them in various places. Now that I think about it, I really don't know how she managed to attach them to my armor. I'm not even gonna' ask questions. After she was done with that she took a step back and admired the way my now gem-embedded armor sparkled in the sunlight that came through a nearby window. 

Of course, she wasn't done yet. No, she hadn't even gotten to the jewelry. She pulled out a few golden chains and slipped those over my head while simultaneously attaching a pair or golden rings onto the fingers of my left hand. One had a small square ruby in the middle while the other had a similar sapphire. 

Hehe, now when I punch people, my rings will put imprints into their skulls! This is the best christmas ever! 

"There, darling. Now you look absolutely fabulous! I'll have to make you a hat to match your outfit." Rarity walked around admiring my suit while I looked at myself in a big mirror on the far side of the room. I look pretty good if I do say so myself, I'll get all the girl halos now! Of course there's one thing I've always wanted.

"Ummmm, Rarity, do you think it would be possible to make my visor rainbow colored?" Yeah I know, it's kinda' weird. But having a rainbow colored visor would be the coolest shit ever (come on Bungie, rainbow colored visors in Halop 4 kthnx).

She looked at my visor for a few seconds then shook her head. "Sorry darling, but I don't think I can change its color. Maybe I could paint it, but then you wouldn't be able to see." Sound logic. Oh well, it was worth a try. "Besides, your gold visor matches your gold jewelry." Once again, she has a point.

Now it was my turn to shrug. "Heh, I guess you're right. Now about that hat..." I wasn't able to finish that thought as the rest of the elements of harmonics walked in. I'll have to ask them to play me a song sometimes, assuming that they are actually a band like I suspected they were. 

"Wow, Halo man, now you're soooooo sparkly!" 

"Hooey, that there armor sure looks fancy now." 

"Ohmygosh you look super awesome now! Not quite as cool as me, though."

Of course, I was ignorant of their statements because at that moment I saw the most beautiful hat I've ever seen in my life. I knew at that moment, that if I didn't wear that hat, my life would lose all meaning. I simply stepped over to the ponies, picked up Fluttershy, and put her on my head. "Best. Hat. Ever!" I squealed in delight.

The other ponies stared at me for a second before Twilight said something really obvious. "Umm, Halo man. That's Fluttershy, not a hat." I was practically heartbroken that she would mock my hat so. She may be a pony, but she was trying her hardest to be the best hat she could be. In actuality, she was just gripping onto my head with her hooves, clearly confused as to why I put her on my head. 

"Now Twilight." I put a hand onto my chest and stuck my chin up to emphasize my point. "I'm insulted that you would speak so poorly of Fluttershy's 'being a hat' abilities. In fact, I'd say she's the greatest at being a hat that I've ever seen." This wasn't saying much since I haven't seen very many hats other than the different helmets that halos usually wear.

The other ponies continued to stare at me, clearly trying to figure out if I was serious or not. If only they could see the serious look on my nonexistent face, then they would understand. "Ugh partner... I don't think Fluttershy wants to be a hat." Said Applejack. 

"Actually, I don't mind being a hat..." She quieted down as all the other ponies focused on her. "I-if that's alright."

"See, she likes being a hat!"

The other ponies all face hoofed, except Pinkie Pie who was suddenly gone. "Fine, but I'm going to make you a proper hat. You can't wear Fluttershy forever!" Said Rarity. 

They didn't even know how happy I was right now. I'm pretty sure I even squeed like a little girl. "Thanks Rarity! Also thanks for all this." I gestured at my armor. "It looks fantastic."

"Oh, don't mention it. I'm not the element of generosity for nothing, you know. Besides, it's the least I could do for you volunteering to help us." Element of generosity? What the hell is that even supposed to mean? Now that I think about it, I'm pretty generous too. I give other halos a generous humping once I'm done giving them generosity in death. 

"Woot, this is the best day ever!" I then turned and walked out of the room with as much swagger as two cheetahs tied together. It stands to reason that if you tie two cheetahs of equal swag to each other, they become twice as swagtastic. Of course, all the ponies followed, except Rarity. She was too busy designing a new hat for me. 

Swag swag swag. I'm pretty sure that from that day forth, every dictionary in this pony world would have a picture of me next to the word 'swagger'. I was so swagalicious that I was covered in bitches. Of course, those bitches are ponies, but it makes little difference. We walked for a little ways and all the ponies we passed looked extremely confused as to why I was wearing a pony on my head. We even passed the fancy ponies I saw earlier. The one who I stole the monocle from gave me an angry scowl when he noticed us. He mad.

After walking for a while Twilight trotted up next to me. "Where exactly are we going?" 

I stopped at that point and looked around. "I have no idea..." Then I noticed that only four of the ponies were with me. "Where's Pinkie Pie?"

The second I asked the question I felt a sudden weight on my head as Pinkie yelled out, "Pony hat tower!" I have no idea how she got onto my head without me noticing, or even where she has been this whole time, but now I have two ponies on my head... What more could a halo man want?


> Flibbity flashbacks 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note: Some day this story will be featured. Just kidding! They only feature popular stories. 
---------------

"So we start killing them a bunch and they're all quitting until there's only two people left on their team. I don't even remember what the map was called, all of those forge world maps are the same to me. Of course, we were playing one bomb, but I really don't give a shit about the objective. My objective is always to kill the other team. My team, on the other hand, really wanted to role play terrorists and plant the bomb in their base for some reason. Now, I don't support terrorism, so I decided to help the other team out a bit. Needless to say, I grabbed the bomb before any of my teammates could and ran away with it." 

"Now here's a tip that will probably save your lives in the future; don't piss off terrorists. As soon as my teammates realized that I wasn't putting the bomb in the enemy's base they decided that they wanted me dead. So now I had six angry halo Al Qaedas chasing me around with assault rifles trying to murder me. Thankfully my friend was there to drive me away on a mangoose."

"Of course halo terrorists are nothing if not persistent. After driving around the map half a dozen times they finally flipped us with a grenade and murdered my friend. At this point, I did the only thing I could do. I ran inside the base while they all chased after me. The next few minutes was me running around screaming while I was being chased by six other halos who were trying to punch and shoot me with assault rifles. Thankfully, they were all really scared of getting booted so they were trying to not be the one to kill me. Even then, I nearly died multiple times."

"Surprisingly, I was able to run around the entire map another two times without them killing me and now I was back in my base. Unfortunately, they hadn't let up their attack, and now they were even trying to stick me with grenades. They could have just asked for the bomb, but I don't negotiate with terrorists. Needless to say, I was fucking terrified at this point. I wanted out, but I couldn't just let them have the bomb, not after running around the map with it for eight minutes. So I turned around and smacked the closest halo in the face with my bomb, killing him instantly. The next few seconds consisted of a betrayal spree that would go down in history as I smacked four more of them with the bomb. Unfortunately I was then booted. My one regret, is that I didn't betray more of them." 

The three ponies I was walking with just looked at me like I was a maniac while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie just sat on my head. Then Rainbow Dash finally spoke up. "When I asked if you had any cool stories, I meant about fighting aliens."

Oh. That's a common mistake I guess. I just thought she meant cool stories in general, because I'm full of cool stories... Bro. "Oh, why didn't you say so? I have tons of cool stories from the war. Now let's see... Oh, there was this one time, me and a halo friend were going through some canyons killing a bunch of aliens."

-----------------
Cue epic flashback
-----------------

Hump hump hump. I was humping a gold elite, like a winner. "Come on!" Yelled my friend into his helmet mic.

"I'm obligated to hump!" I yelled back as I finished humping. I looked up to see him driving a fork lift at me very slowly. "What the fuck, I want to get on!" I then jumped onto the front of it while he drove me at a few aliens. It didn't work very well and we nearly died. After a while we got to a spot with a clear road and some mangooses for us to drive. It was obvious that we could just use the mangooses to avoid a huge army of aliens down the road, so we were about to get into those.

Then I saw something even better. "Fuck that, let's get in these trucks." I ran over and got into an abandoned truck on the side of the road while my friend did the same. Of course, for some reason, the trucks only drove like five miles an hour. Oh well, I wasn't going to complain. We drove down the road in peace for a little while until we came to a large field.

Only problem was, this field was completely filled with aliens. They even had these giant purple crab robots. 

"Awwwwww shit! Drive drive!" We then drove through the field very slowly while getting shot at by a ton of stuff and somehow we avoided all kinds of explosives. I even managed to hit one or two of them with the truck. Eventually, we got far enough away, and somehow we weren't dead. Of course, I got cocky at having survived through all of the aliens. My carelessness came at a price.

My friend then rammed his truck into the side of mine and pushed me off the side of the road and over a huge cliff. "BOB SAGGIT!" I yelled as I fell down and eventually exploded. Thankfully, he lived, so I was able to respawn. But then I had to walk the rest of the way. I would have made a great truck driver. You know, if the planet wasn't being destroyed by aliens. 

-----------

Rainbow Dash didn't look very enthusiastic about the story. "So you're telling me that there was an alien invasion going on, and you and your friend were running around doing stupid stuff and killing each other? That doesn't even make sense, if you died, you wouldn't be... Well... Alive..."

"Well when we died we just kinda' revived. Don't ask me how it works, I don't know... Besides, if you can't have fun during an alien invasion, then the aliens have already won." I had plenty of stories of times that I murdered tongs of aliens, but those aren't any fun. The memorable ones are the funny ones. 

At this point we had stopped walking and found a little lounge area where we were sitting around. Rainbow Dash sighed and flew up next to my head. She clearly wanted to hear some glorious war stories, but I wasn't going to give them to her. "Well do you have any other stories?"

I smiled at her, at least I think I did. I'm still not entirely sure whether I have a face or not. "Of course I do. I'm literally full of stories."

------------

Once again, five of my friends and I were at hemorrhoid being a big group and stuff. Not to brag, but we usually just own everyone on that map. This game was a perfect example of us owning as we weren't even trying to do the objective and we had two flag caps and a ton of kills. It was kinda' disappointing though because the other team all started to quit. Before long, it was just two of them left and so I decided to have some fun. 

One of my friends decided to grab the flag so I drove him at the two remaining enemies on the mongoose while he hit them with it. I'm pretty sure I was singing the song from the Titanic at the time just with lyrics that described what I was doing, so here you go. I know, I always sing really unfitting songs. It was pretty fun, until one of the relevants our teammate was driving decided to betray my friend. I then picked up the flag only to notice there was only fifteen seconds left in the game. 

Everyone else noticed as well and they all seemed to want to capture the flag. It then turned into five people, including some of my friends, trying to murder me. This consisted of two relevants a Danny phantom and some guys with DMR's. I did the most sensible thing I could at the moment, and jumped onto the alien tank. "Drive me the fuck outa here!" I yelled. Thankfully, it was one of my friends in it and we soon started to boost across the field towards our base while the game went into overtime. 

I just crouched on the tank, right in front of the gun, while our greedy teammates shot at us with their relevants. Everything was going good, until I saw a red guy run out of the front of our base carrying our flag. I honestly have no idea how he managed to get into our base to start with. Then I realized exactly what was about to happen as the tank turned towards the red halo guy. I was about to yell something along the lines of 'Don't shoot that halo!' when we both suddenly exploded. 

Of course, he tried to kill him while I was standing right in front of the tank gun and the shot killed us. Now that I was dead, they killed the red guy so overtime ended and no one got to capture the flag. It was a big dissapoint. 
----------

As soon as I finished my story Rarity entered the room carrying something behind her back. It had only been about an hour since she swagged me out, so it was surprising to see her so soon. "Why hello Halo man, I made something for you. Now you don't need to wear those poor ponies on your head anymore." She then levitated a purple hat in front of me.

To avoid describing it for you, here's a picture.



Rarity literally made me a pimp hat... Shit son. It even had a big purple gem on the front, Rarity must really like making things with gems. I reached out to grab the hat, but she moved it out of my reach. "Not until you take the ponies off your head."

Awwww, no more head ponies... Oh well, I shoulda' known it wouldn't last forever. I believe it was Albert Einstein that once said 'If you love something, you have to let it go'. "Awwww fine..." I then took Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie off my head and put them on a nearby chair. Now satisfied, Rarity placed the hat upon my helmet. It fit perfectly, I have no idea how she made it so fast, so I asked her.

"How did you make this so fast?"

"Why, I'm not the greatest fashion designer in Equestria for no reason. I could make hats in my sleep."

"Wait, so you're a fashion designer and you're in a band?"

The ponies all gave me a questioning look. "In a band?"

Perhaps my assumptions were wrong. "Yeah, the elements of harmonics or something. I assumed it was a band."

All of the ponies facehoofed. They have a bad habit of doing that whenever I say anything. "No it's not a band..." Ok, well now I feel stupid.

"Huh, well I guess I assumed wrong. Do you guys want to go see Celestia or something? I'm sure she'd love to see how my armor looks now." Yeah, I changed the subject so I didn't continue to look like an idiot.

"That's a great idea Halo man. She should be getting done with her day court right now so hopefully she won't be too busy. I've been wanting to talk to her more since I got here. We don't get to spend much time together now that I moved to Ponyville." Ponyville.... Who would name a town that? Whatever, subject change successful!

With that said, we all followed Twilight as she led us to where she thought the princess would be. We only walked for like thirty seconds before we came to the throne room. I recognized it from when Shining Armor dragged me there earlier in the day. Just like before there were two guards standing on either side of the big doors to the room and as we approached they looked shocked to see me. I thought they had gotten used to my appearance by now.

"Hey, is the princess busy? We would like to talk to her." Said Twilight to one of the guards who finally pulled his attention from me. 

"She doesn't have anything scheduled right now but... We just let that guy in a second ago." He pointed at me while saying this. 

"Well that doesn't make any sense, I've been with the ponies for the last two hours..." The guards looked at each other and then looked back at me. 

"Perhaps we should go inside to see what's going on." We then all rushed through the doors into the throne room. It didn't take long for me to realize why the guards thought they had let me in, there was another halo man that looked exactly like me standing in the middle of the room talking to Celestia. Well, he looked just like me, but without the gems and the hat. As we bolted in she looked confused and the other halo man turned and looked at me.

Yep, he's a copy of me alright. Perhaps I reproduced a-sexually while I was asleep or something. Or magic, magic could explain this situation. Wait, what if he's the real me, and I'm the clone! Of course, I couldn't think about the subjects for very long because Celestia started talking. "What is the meaning of this? Halo man, why are there two of you?" 

"One of them must be a changeling!" Twilight yelled while pointing an accusing hoof at the other me. Oh, so apparently changelings look exactly like me, that explains everything. 

Then Applejack looked at me with an inquisitive eye. "This Halo man has got his weapons and he was tellin' us all kinds of crazy stories, so the other one must be the imposter!"

Everyone then returned their attention to the other halo man who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Then, in the blink of an eye, he pulled a short dagger out of nowhere and started running at the princess. My quick halo reflexes kicked into action and I sprinted at the other halo. Thankfully, I have sprint on instead of something stupid like armor cock or jet pack. 

I easily caught up to him before he reached the throne and punched him in the back, which killed him. Now with his dead body on the ground it was time to get some answers. "Alright, can someone explain to me why there was another halo here?" As if to answer my question, the body of the former halo disappeared in a sudden rush of green flames which were snuffed out as quickly as they came. 

What was left on the ground was what looked like a mix between a bug and a pony. It probably could have passed as a normal black unicorn if it weren't for the bug wings, fangs, random leg holes, and weird eyes. "Ummm, dafuq?"

Then Celestia trotted up next to the body. "Oh no, changelings, in the castle? This confirms my fears. Guards, get Shining Armor immediately!" Alright, I guess THIS is a changeling. Now that I think about it, the name makes sense since it was clearly able to change into a copy of me.

Too bad I had to kill him, all he wanted was... CHANGE! Ahahaha, oh that joke doesn't make any sense. Maybe it would if he was homeless or an Obama Supporter. Or both. So a homeless Obama supporting changeling walks into a bar and asks, got any change? Ok, no. I'm done now, I don't think that even qualifies as a joke. That's just stupid. 

I was interrupted from my internal monologue as none other than Shining Armor ran into the room. Apparently the guards could forget about trying to find him. "Princess Celestia, we've spotted a swarm of changelings coming this way! They'll be here in the hour!"


	
> Humping is magic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors Note: Woopie, a long chapter that actually has some action! Also some gore and shit, not that bad tbh, so calm your miniscule balls.
----------------

"Captain Shining Armor, assemble the guards! Captain OC pony, evacuate the town into the castle. They won't be safe out there. Twilight, I want you and the other unicorns to do a changeling check on everypony once they get here, you know what to do if you find one."

The two captain ponies saluted and headed off to do their respective tasks while Twilight gave her best impression of a salute and answered. "Of course, Princess. We mildly hurt them and put them into the dungeon."

Alright, that's all cool and stuff. Now what am I supposed to do? "Oi Princess, what am I supposed to do?" 

Celestia looked at me for a second before answering. "Protect the castle however you see fit. You probably have more experience than I do with fighting, and I'm still not sure what those weapons do, so I'll leave you in charge of that."

"Alright, I can do that." I nodded to her and left the throne room to find a nice spot to defend. I still have no idea how many changelings are coming, but one things for sure, I'm gonna' have a lot of humping to do. All around me the castle was filled with panicking ponies running around. The guards were trying to get to their posts while civilians and castle slaves were running around trying to get to somewhere safe to hide at. This really wasn't very organized, hopefully the enemy sucks or we're screwed. 

After walking for a short time, I came to the front door of the castle, which was wide open. There was now a steady stream of civilian ponies running in, but I was easily able to slip out since the door is so big. It didn't take long for me to notice what was scaring the ponies so much. Off in the distance was a big black cloud of what I assumed to be changelings flying towards us. The buzzing could clearly be heard even from here so they likely had at least several hundred if not several thousand soldiers. 

Well shit, I only have like sixty-something bullets. And my sword will run out of energy eventually if I keep stabbing things without letting it recharge. Usually I can only use it about ten times before it runs out of energy entirely, of course that's on halo guys with personal force fields. It takes a lot more energy to slice through those. With that said, it stands to reason that now that I'm fighting things that probably don't have force fields, it will take less energy to slice through them and therefore I can use the sword more. 

Last I have my grenades which I'll only be able to use if they land in a big group. Seeing how many of them there are, that's pretty likely. Unfortunately, even with all of my weapons, that's not nearly enough to kill them all. I'll probably have to resort to punching them or hitting them with chairs if the fight goes on for that long. I guess I have my radar too, that can help. I looked at it for the first time all day and noticed that the ponies near me on my radar showed up as yellow dots instead of red dots. Maybe because they're my allies now. 

Now I just had to wait till the changelings got here. Damn it, I hate waiting. I looked around for something to entertain myself and saw a group of guards that stood watch a little ways in front of the main door. Perhaps they'll be fun. I walked up to the guards and they noticed me immediately. I suppose being a six-foot tall bipedal creature with sparkling purple armor and a pimp hat does make you stick out a bit in a world full of small four-foot tall pony creatures. 

"What's up?" I asked casually as I got close.

The guards all looked up, clearly not understanding my hip lingo. "Well the sky, the sun, space, air, clouds, an army of changelings... Take you pick." Or he was just being an ass. 

"Good enough. So are you guys super excited for the upcoming attack?" I was really just trying to make conversation now, I get bored too easily...

The same guard as before just gave me a blank stare before answering. "Why would we be excited for that? The last thing I wanted to do today was fight an army of savage monsters."

"Personally, I think they look kinda' cute." It's true, the dead body of the changeling I saw just looked absolutely adorable. I just want a baby one to love and hold and squeeze forever. I wonder if they are larvae as babies, tiny larvae ponies just sound adorable. 

"Heh, whatever you say. I think they look pretty terrifying." 

"I doesn't afraid of anything... Except tanks... And banshees. But I have plenty of reason to be scared of those." Stupid op banshees... 

After a few moments of silence the guard turned to me again. "Soooo, you're supposed to be a good fighter or something. Do you think you can beat them all?" 

I shrugged. "Meh, maybe. We'll see." Yeah, I'm not very inspirational, but I'm really not entirely positive that I'll be able to fight all of them, and I really hate lying. For all I know, they will have some powerful magic that can easily kill me. Now that I think about it, I really don't know much about the enemy aside from that they can change form and fly. It's gonna suck when they get here and they all have alien laser swords too. 

Whatever, that will probably not happen. Of course, I'm pretty open minded at this point. After spending a day in a castle with magical colorful talking ponies of varying race I'd be stupid not to be. Or what if, when they get here, I find out that the ponies that I'm with have all been changeling all along and I've been punked. I looked around for Ashton Kutcher, but that bastard was either hiding really well, or not here at all. 

Or what if they are all robots and they tricked me into helping them stop the changeling revolution against the pony version of Skynet. Or even more likely, what if all the ponies are secretly giant centipedes in pony costumes and the changelings are giant cockroach tarantulas with a grudge. I shook my head a little trying not to think about than. I hate centipedes... It's a lot to think about, but now is not the time. Besides, even if they are centipedes, which seems very likely at this point, I still said I'd help them. 

Unfortunately, the changelings didn't give me all day to think of a myriad of possible things that could happen as they entered the city. Those in the front of the swarm started to dive bomb into the city making small green explosions as they landed in the streets. Well, that's not good. From what I've learned, explosions are generally a bad thing. 

Unfortunately, the crowd of colorful civilian ponies still hadn't all made it inside the castle and the swarm was coming in fast. Damn, looks like I'll have to do the right thing and protect the entrance while they all come in... Too bad this is likely the worst place to be right now. If they were halos instead of pony insects this whole area would be carpet bombed by grenades in seconds. I hate grenades... Bungie help me, these things better not have grenades. 

The second one of them pulls out a grenade is the second that the organic fecal waste collides with the revolving plastic blade machine with the primary function of making wind. Yeah... That one was probably too much. Oh well, I'll worry about grenades later. For now, I have ponies to save!

With that thought I pulled out my DMR and looked through the scope at the flying changelings. They weren't as far off now, and thankfully with the scope I'm able to be accurate from pretty far away. Alright, this will be just like fighting giant enemy crabs. I just have to attack their weak point for massive damage. I aimed my rifle until the reticle was right on one of the flying changeling's heads before taking a shot. 

The gun fired with a loud 'boom' which clearly startled the nearby guards. Of course, I was used to it, and I also had my helmet to muffle the noise. Unfortunately for the changelings, the loud noise was the least of their problems as my target's head exploded and the body fell motionless towards the ground. Just like with everything else, it looks like the weak point is the head. Then again, shooting them anywhere would probably work too. A little known fact, bullets are pretty deadly. 

I didn't waste any time thinking over my kill as I quickly selected another target and shot its head off too. A few more bullets and more changelings fell to the ground dead. Unfortunately, the other changelings didn't seem very disturbed by the deaths of their comrades and just kept coming. They were getting close too. 

I instinctively began reloading while I looked back at the ponies and noticed that the end of the crowd was in sight. They would all be in the castle soon, and we would be able to fall back into a more covered position. The idea of being swarmed from all sides by changelings didn't seem very pleasant at the moment. Well, might as well kill as many as I can now.

I aimed back up and unloaded another clip into the oncoming wave of enemies. They were dropping like horse flies. The pun was 100% intended. I wasn't really keeping track, but I had killed at least twenty before we saw the last of the civilians entering the castle. With no further reason to be out in the open, I, along with the group of guards, sprinted after them through the main door. 

Once we were inside a pair of unicorn guards slammed the double doors closed and bared it with a big piece of wood. Ok, now to figure out where to go. Unfortunately, I'm not very familiar with the castle, so I don't know a good position to defend at. It looks like, once again, I'm stuck at the entrance where the most changelings would likely be coming in at. Looking around, I realized that the guards had the same idea as there were at least fifty of them spread around the large entry room. 

I honestly have no idea how they expect to fight anything, they weren't even carrying weapons. Maybe they plan on kicking the changelings to death... I suppose I can't judge, I punch things to death all the time. Now if only the enemies we were facing were fish. I hate fish even more than I hate grenades... 

After a few moments of waiting there, the door started to shake as though it was being struck from the other side. It looks like the changelings have made it to the castle and are trying to break down the door now.

"Don't worry!" Yelled out Shining armor who was leading this group of guards. "The shield on the door should hold them off for a very long time!" 

Oh, well that's just fan-fucking-tastic. They have a force field on the door, why are we even guarding here? Looks like they don't need me here... Now resolved to find a new, more vulnerable, place to defend, I got up and walked off down a nearby hall. What's the point of camping somewhere if no enemies are ever going to come to you? That's just stupid...

I only walked for a few moments before I heard a loud bang coming from down the hall. "Well, that can't be good." As I sprinted around a corner I saw the source of the noise. There was a large hole in one wall  further down another hall with several changelings climbing through. What the hell? This castle sucks! First off, it's on the side of a mountain. I mean, it's practically asking to be knocked down. Hopefully the changelings don't use their explosions to bring this whole place down because Bungie knows this place is just an accident waiting to happen.

Next, apparently the walls are pretty weak. Like, really. The siege has been going on for like a minute or two and the changelings are already breaking their way in. I'd cut them some slack since I'm sure it's hard to build anything without hands, but they have freaking magic. If I had magic I'd make the best castle, with blackjack, and hookers. You know what, forget the castle. But really...

And where the hell are the guards? Are they really all protecting the main room? Thankfully I had the initiative to come down here or they would get the shit flanked out of them. Hehe, flanked. Because they are ponies, and they have flanks. 

And now that I think about it, the castle has a bunch of stained glass windows. Who the hell builds stained glass windows on a defensive structure when the enemy can just fly through them. They're just asking to have an army of bug ponies fly in randomly. Let's hope the ponies were smart enough to make force fields on the windows too, because apparently they are able to do that sort of thing. 

Whatever, I can worry about that later. Perhaps I'll write Celestia a strongly worded letter on why her castle sucks once the fight is over. For now, I have a small army of changelings swarming through the wall in front of me. 

The enemy bug ponies quickly took notice of me standing there and ran in my direction. Their intent was obvious, they wanted me dead. Thankfully, I'm no slouch. I pulled up my DMR and started firing down the hall. I hardly even had to aim as it's hard to miss a wall of things running at you. 

This was starting to remind me of the good old days of fighting halos. Admittedly, it was only yesterday that I was doing that, but I longed to hump my enemy again. With that said I began dry humping in place as I fired my DMR down the hall. They were getting mowed down, but after spending two more clips, I was getting low on ammo and the changelings were gaining ground. Then I remembered my grenades. 

I chuckled a bit as I pulled the two frag grenades off my belt and tossed them down the hall. They left behind small trails of smoke as they landed in the group of charging enemies before exploding. The blasts sent bodies flying in all directions. It's a shame that the announcer wasn't here right now since those explosions likely killed at least fifteen of them. It would be interesting listening to whatever made up word was used for that. Probably something stupid like 'Killaclysm'. As the smoke cleared I saw the carnage of the hall. Literally every corner was caked in green blood and chunks of changeling. Not even the ceiling was spared from the mess. 

Now, you may think I'm weird for this, but seeing that mess just made me really want to hump. No, I needed to hump. A very familiar theme came into my head as I ran forward into the gorey mess of the hallway and began humping wildly. "Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump hump, hump hump hump!" I sang along with the electric guitar from the song. I only then noticed that the surviving changelings had recovered from the sudden blast and were now charging at me again. It looks like I'll have to fight for my right to hump.

I pulled out my sword as the closest changeling jumped at me hoping to hit me with a lucky hoof strike. I simply sliced him, or her, I don't know, in half with one swing. The two halves of the severed body fell to the ground in a shower of blood next to the others and I resumed my humping while I sliced through changeling after changeling. About a dozen changelings later and they stopped coming, apparently I killed the entire group that was coming through this hall. 

Of course, I wasn't done humping just yet. I felt great, I don't think I've ever humped this many enemies at once before. I sat there for Bungie knows how long humping until I heard a voice from behind me. "Are you alright? I heard a noise coming from down here and came to.........." I looked up to see a pair of guard ponies who had just rounded the corner in the hall and stared slack jawed at the carnage before them. They took long enough to get here, by now the changelings would have swarmed through their defenses if I wasn't here. It took them a while before they saw me standing awkwardly there. They both looked at me, then back at the masses of destroyed corpses, then back at me before they did what I assume to be their best impressions of fish. It would have been very comical if I didn't hate fish so much.

"Yeah, yeah." I said with a wave of my arm. "Twas easy." It took me a second to notice something strange about my arm. As I looked down at it I noticed it seemed to be resonating some kind of dark red smoke stuff. "Well that's different." I said as I examined whatever it was. It didn't hurt, on the contrary, I felt great right now. Probably the best I've ever felt in my entire life. Maybe I have a little magic after all. 

Sadly, I wasn't able to stand there all day pondering the mysteries of magic as I heard some yelling coming from the main room where all the guards were stationed. They had likely encountered a problem there, so I suppose it would be in their best interest if I went and helped. I guess I can do that.

I looked at the two guards who were still shell shocked at the sight of so much blood and carnage and said, "We should probably go help the others." It took them a second to register that I had spoken, but then they snapped out of their stupors and saluted. 

"Yes sir!" Then the two of them ran off down the hall towards the rest of the guards. I'm really not sure if it was fear, respect, or both that caused them to act like that. I'm going to go with fear. Oh well, just doin' my job.

I sprinted down the hall after them until I got back into the main room. I'm really not sure why they were all screaming, there weren't even any enemies in the room. Then I heard shining armor yelling above them. "Get ready, they've almost broken through the door!" Well apparently the force field on the door wasn't invincible and the guards were panicking. Oh well, now that I'm here, nothing could possibly go wrong.

Then the large front door was suddenly knocked off its hinges by a green explosion. One half was launched across the room and landed on one of the guards while the other half simply collapsed onto the marble floor. Sucks to be that guard... The smoke at the door cleared almost instantly to reveal a huge changeling, easily twice the height of the others and far more muscular. It was clad in thick black armor that covered its legs, torso, and head and was armed with a large curved horn and fangs. It was pretty easy to guess that this mean mother fucker was the one who smashed through the door.  

"Tremble and despair tiny ponies!" It spoke in a deep raspy voice. Now, normally I'm sure that that changeling would be able to slaughter over a dozen guards on its own. Unfortunately for him, I'm here. I simply pulled the sticky grenade from my belt and tossed it at the huge changeling. The blue glowey ball stuck onto its chest plate and the creature looked down and was about to say something before it exploded in a burst of blue fire.

The other guards seemed confused as to what just happened until they saw me run forward and hump the body. Once they realized that I had slain the colossal changeling, they let out a loud cheer. That was short lived, however, as a swarm of changelings started flooding through the open doors without warning. I wasted no time before slicing into my enemies with my sword. Unfortunately, the energy was running our fast. The guards on either side of me joined in on the fight. Just as I predicted, they were mostly just kicking the changelings.

At least the unicorns could use magic to attack too. You would think that magic would be pretty useful in a fight, but either magic is really weak or these unicorns just sucked. I'm going to go with the latter. Either way, my fellow ponies weren't doing so well. Simply kicking the changelings didn't seem like an effective way of killing them since they just got back up in their blind frenzy. At least I was helping. I already sliced through at least fifteen more of the creatures. I lunged at another but my blade missed somehow. After a second I realized that the blade was just gone altogether, it was clearly out of power. 

The changeling in front of me took advantage of my temporary confusion and jumped forward, slapping me across the chest with one hoof-like appendage. The attack hardly damaged my armor's shields, but I wasn't about to let them turn me into a halo piñata. With that said, I promptly slapped my assaulter across the face with the laser sword hilt. Like I said earlier, I can use literally anything as a weapon. Keep that in mind as I tell you the sword hilt easily broke the changeling's skull and thus killed it. I quickly humped the body as I slipped the sword hilt back onto my belt. It looks like I'm doing this the old fashioned way. 

I put up my dukes and gave a nasty punch to the nearest enemy. It's times like these when I'm extremely thankful that I'm a super soldier as my punches were easily able to break any bones that they came in contact with. Unfortunately, without the extra range of the sword, the enemy pony bugs were able to get numerous hits off on me. Sure they didn't do a whole lot, but my shields were dropping steadily from the constant assault. I looked around and noticed that the other ponies weren't having much better luck as the changelings swarmed over them. Well, this sucks.

"Fall back to the main room!" Don't mind if I do. Shining Armor was yelling at the remaining guard ponies to run back to the next room. Not a bad choice, we can hopefully regroup there and form a solid defense. Of course, only the faster pegasus ponies and unicorns that were in the back were actually able to escape as the ponies in the front lines were overcome by changelings. I was able to easily sprint out of there and get into the next room. As soon as I got inside, the doors were slammed shut behind me and the unicorns held them there with their magic. 

It took me a second to notice the hundreds of ponies in the room. Looking around I was able to identify it as the throne room. It's a really open space which is probably why they were keeping a ton of the civilians in here. Looking across the room, I spotted my six friends and the princesses standing together with another group of guards. Then I noticed that the walls were decorated by huge stained glass windows. I face palmed. 

"Hey guys, let's defend this room with a bunch of entrances that our enemy can easily abuse." I found myself pretty frustrated over how bad this castle was. Someone clearly wasn't thinking when they designed this castle...

The other guards seemed to ignore me as they where busy bracing themselves against the door and the civilian ponies were all busy panicking. Oh well, I'm sure they took into account the huge windows when they made their defenses. Maybe the windows are made of some type of unbreakable magic glass.

Turns out, no, the windows are just made of normal glass. I say this because suddenly all the windows burst at once sending small shards of glass all across the room. How did I know this was going to happen? Then, of course, hundreds of changelings started flying through the big openings and filling every available space in the room. We were pretty much trapped now, they had us cornered. The changelings and guards were now at a stand off, though, until a big changeling flew in and landed in the middle of the room.

"Chrysalis!" Yelled Celestia as she saw her enemy. Apparently this is who Chrysalis is, I think it's safe to assume that it's probably their leader.

"Surrender now Celestia, your forces are surrounded! If you don't want harm to come to all your little ponies than you'll stand down now."

Celestia looked around the room than returned her eyes to Chrysalis. She looked like she had finally been beaten, of course she would surrender instead of letting harm come to her little ponies. It looked like she was about to admit defeat before I spoke up instead.

"Haha, so you're Chrysalis. I was wondering when I'd see your ugly face." It was a pretty stupid taunt, but I successfully got her attention. She turned and looked me up and down. 

"What are you supposed to be?" She asked with humor in her voice.

Oh, you're gonna' laugh at a halo are you? "Giiiiirl, I'm a halo. You best not forget that." I then pulled out my DMR and fired several shots at her. Unfortunately they just kinda' bounced off.

"Hahahahaha! My magic is too powerful for your silly weapons to possibly hurt me! Give up fool!" 

Lol, I don't know the meaning of 'give up'! Actually I do, it's not a tough concept. In fact, I've quit plenty of games before. Unfortunately, I can't just quit the game and teleport out of here, it's not that simple. Looks like I'll have to fight this one out. "Nope." 

She scowled at me before yelling. "Fine, kill him my children!" 

Of course, now every eye in the room was on me. The changelings all wanted me dead while the ponies watched in fear. I wasn't going to go down easily though. Before the changelings could even get to me I was already spamming bullets at them. Pew pew. 

Unfortunately, I ran out after about ten shots. Well, this was getting bad very quickly.

Then the changelings all started changing into ponies. Well shit. Now how do I know who to punch? Then I looked on my radar, they still appeared as red dots instead of yellows dots. Well that's helpful. Thankfully, my radar doesn't give a shit what they look like. It's able to easily distinguish between halos who's only difference is their color. 

As the closest red dot got close to me, I lashed out and smacked it across the head with my DMR. This was easily enough to snap its neck and it fell to the ground limp. I then ran up and humped the body while lashing out at nearby changelings with my impromptu club. Everyone seemed shocked at me humping the bodies, but what do they know? I'm the one kicking ass here, if I want to hump than I'll hump all I want. 

Another flew at me from above and I hit it in the chest with my gun breaking its ribs and causing it to crash the ground. I stepped on its head while smashing in another's skull with the butt of my gun. One tried to come up behind me, but I was easily able to see it on my radar. I spun around quickly and punched it in the throat with enough force to break trees. Minecraft man would be proud. 

Before long I was standing on a small mountain of changeling corpses humping to my hearts content. Only then did I notice the red smoke coming from my armor as it started to glow brighter and brighter by the second. Waves of energy even started to come from my body which seemed to repulse the charging changelings. 

I honestly have no idea what's going on right now...

Then suddenly my vision was taken up by white. It was just white as far as I could see in all directions. Then suddenly details started to become clear. I was standing on a field of clouds that went off in all directions and the sky started to get a light blue tint to it. Looking around some more I saw something glowing in the distance that seemed to be calling me to it. As I walked towards the light it got close faster than it should have and I was soon staring up into it.

The light soon took shape into a tall golden halo with a rainbow visor who was floating above the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... The rainbow visor, that is. 

"Hello my child. I am Bungie." 

Oh shit this is Bungie! "Wait, but does that mean... That I'm dead?"

Bungie chuckled a bit before answering. "No my child, you are not dead."

"But then, why am I here?"

"I have brought you here to tell you something very important. You see, you have something great that other halos don't have. The power of the hump."

"But why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling you because I selected you out of all my little halos to go forth and save the ponies that I love so very much. You are the only one that can do it because you have something special. You hump indiscriminately, and now you must use the power of the hump."

"But how? How do I use that power?"

	"Don't you see? The power was inside you all along. You simply have to believe."

"But, what if I can't do it?"

"You can do it, I believe in you! Now go, save the ponies. Become the hero of humping!"

Suddenly I found myself back in the throne room atop a mound of bodies. None of the changelings seemed to be able to get close to me now. 

"What! But how!?" Chrysalis was clearly angry at me being able to defeat her children so easily. "No matter, I'll kill you myself!" She flew up into the air and startle to fire a laser of green energy at me. It crackled in the air as it approached, surely this would be enough to kill me. Then, I suddenly knew exactly what to do

I started humping and the red smoke around me materialized into a shield which blocked the attack. After a few seconds she stopped channeling energy into her laser, to see me completely unphased. 

"B-but, that should have killed you!" 

I just chuckled while continuing to hump. "Don't you see Chrysalis? Nothing can beat the power of my hump. Because humping... IS MAGIC!" Once I said that I suddenly fired a red ultra hump laser from my body that struck Chrysalis in mid air. She fell to the ground in a heap, but she was still alive. 

She slowly got to her hoofs as I approached. "No, but... This isn't possible! I should have won!" She backed away as I got closer. 

"Sorry, but you lose. Gg noob." She looked like she was about to fly off before I gave a quick two hump and hit her with another laser. She was now laying on the ground again, but before she could get up for a second time Celestia and Luna surrounded her. 

Looking around it looked like the changelings were about to go berserk at seeing their leader get beaten, so I decided to act before they could. With a series of humps I was able to make a dark red shock wave that swept up all the changelings and flung them out the windows and into the distance. I don't know how I knew how to do all these things, perhaps Bungie was right about me being special. 

I then turned back to Chrysalis who was trying to stand again only to be restrained by Celestia who levitated a pair of cuffs around her arms. "Not this time Chrysalis, you're going to be locked away for a loooong time for trying to hurt my little ponies!"

"No! I was supposed to win!" She then scowled at me. "This is all your fault! When I get out I will kill you! Mark my words!"

Now was my chance... "Hey Chrysalis. Don't worry, while in prison..." I then pulled a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere and slipped them onto my visor. "You'll have plenty of time to change!" 

YEEEEEEAAAAAH!

Unfortunately, no pony laughed. I thought it was pretty funny. You know, she'll have plenty of time to change. Because she's a changeling... In jail... Tough crowd. Now I know how Amon feels when he tries to tell jokes. 

-------------

Now with all the humps you can eat!
> The end...? (Epilogue)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	And once again peace and harmony was restored to the world! Yeah, that's cool and all, but killing things is much more fun. Maybe someday the ponies can learn that important lesson so that they can truly be happy in life. I pity them, truly pity them. Oh well, to each his own. I believe it was Winston Churchill who said that.

At least I can go back to killing things. I talked to the princesses after my glorious defeat of the changelings and they said they would probably be able to send me back home. I don't like how they used the word 'probably', that makes them sound unsure. Oh well, I can worry about that later.

What, I didn't tell you about the party yet? Well, the ponies decided to have a victory party after the battle. They even honored me there and gave me some cool metals. That's the only reason why I'm still here. It may be pretty nice in pony land, but I very much enjoy fighting halos. I'm also out of bullets and grenades which makes me very sad. At least my laser sword recharged. 

Now, about the party. It was pretty fun. They even had a DJ and stuff. Needless to say, I partied hard. I showed the ponies the true meaning of dancing with my sweet moves. Hopefully they learned something from me while I was here. I sure as hell learned something from them. Mostly that ponies are adorable. My pony friends introduced me to some of their little sisters at the party and they were much too cute for mortal eyes. Probably not as adorable as a little larvae pony, but pretty close.

All and all, I had a good time. I even devoured several pounds of cake at the party. The other ponies seemed really entertained, if not slightly grossed out, by my eating style. At least it's not as bad as going to the bathroom. I tried that after the changeling invasion and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life. I spent several hours crying in the shower after that... I don't want to talk about it...

Anyways, now that that's all done with. The princesses had agreed to send me home. They prepared their spell while I said my goodbyes to the ponies.

First up it was Pinkie who came over and hugged my leg. "You're the best alien friend I've ever had!" 

I patted her head with one hand and was about to tell her that she could just add me as a friend on xbox, but then I realized that I have no idea what an 'xbox' is. Instead I tried to cheer her up a bit. "You're the best pink pony friend I've ever had." This is true, I don't think I've ever met another pink pony.

She looked up and smiled at me while wiping a single tear from her eye with a tentacle (hoof). Next Applejack trotted up. "Aw shucks, you may be unorthodox, but you're a pretty good halo in my book. We're all mighty grateful that you saved Canterlot from them changelings."

"Heh, no problem. If you ponies ever need help again, you know where to find me." I looked over at Celestia while saying this and she smiled back. 

"I'll admit, it was pretty awesome how you beat Chrysalis. I guess you're pretty cool. See you around." I wonder if Rainbow Dash understood that I was likely going away forever. Meh, no worries.

"And you're pretty cool too rainbow pony." Secretly, I'm very jealous of her... All I want in life is a rainbow visor. Bungie, y u no make?

"Um, bye." Fluttershy's goodbye was the shortest of all. Then again, she didn't talk to me much while I was staying here. I don't think she likes me... I can't imagine why. I just waved back at her meekly. 

Next came rarity. "Now darling, promise me that you'll keep your beautiful armor nice and clean this time." Yeah, I was completely covered in blood and guts after the battle. At least Rarity helped me clean it up. Actually, she pretty much insisted on it. She even managed to clean my hat somehow. 

"Don't worry Rarity, I'll take good care of it." Chances are if I get in a fight it's gonna get all dirty again, but she doesn't need to know about that.

She gave an elegant nod before trotting off to join her other friends. Last came Twilight Sparkle. "I really would like to learn more about your world while you are here."

Twilight had been pestering me for the last two days after the battle for any information on my world. I think she found my weapons and stuff exciting, but I really don't know much about anything. "Sorry Sparkle, but if I knew I was going to go to another planet suddenly I would have learned more about where I came from. Either way, goodbye."

"And I'll miss you most of all scarecrow." I went up to scarecrow who now had more heart than anyone I've ever seen and gave him a hug. 

"No, Halo man. It is I who will miss you. Now fly, be free like the free willy!" I stopped hugging scarecrow for long enough to look into his eyes one last time. I'm truly going to miss that guy.

Now done with the goodbyes, I turned to Celestia and Luna who nodded at me. "Are you ready?" 

"Yeah, I'm ready. Are you sure this will work?" I don't really want to end up in a dimension ruled by spiraling nightmare chainsaw monsters. 

"Yeah, we're almost positive that it will work." Said Celestia. Once again, she didn't seem 100% sure. Then again, they got me here just fine. Why should I worry about them getting me back?

"Well, ok then. Let's goooooo!" I pointed one arm into the air dramatically.

As I said this the two princesses pointed their horns at me and fired some magic into my chest. That was the last thing I saw before everything became too bright and I had to close my eyes. Sure enough, I soon felt like I was falling. At least traveling via magic is consistent.

Then there was ground! It was hard, yes that is a common trait among ground. Now I just need to figure out where the princesses dropped me at. I blinked a bit until my vision started to return. Alright, I was on a solid dark gray surface, that could be from just about anywhere. Looking around I had no idea where I was at. It was a strangely shaped room with dark gray walls and ceiling that matched the floor.

"By Bungie's beard, where am I?!" I got up and was about to panic until I saw someone else step into the room. They were completely covered in armor, but they didn't look like any halo I've ever seen. First off, it was shaped different than other halo armor. It had large round shoulder pads and a helmet design that I've never seen before. The armor also covered its entire body. My armor only covers most of me, and the rest is a thin rubber suit. Next it had a glowing green visor as well as several green lights on its chest. I'm slightly jelly, all the visor choices I got sucked. Light green would be win. 

The last distinguishing feature about the armor is that the right arm was covered with a dark green barrel thing. Perhaps that's its, wait for it, HAND CANNON! Haha, that joke was funnier in my head, and even then it was pretty horrible...

Then the weirdo in the suit spoke. "Woah, man. Who are you and what are you doing on my ship?"

Good questions indeed. Apparently I'm on a ship of some kind. "Ummmm hey. The names Halo man. I just got randomly teleported here by a group of magical, colorful taking ponies. Mind telling me where this is and by extension who you are?" At least I'm pretty good at staying calm. Stupid ponies teleported me to some random place though. If I ever see Celestia again I'll have to give her a peace of my mind. 

"Oh, well I believe you entirely." At least we weren't going to have trust issues here. This guy seemed pretty cool. "Anyways, my name is Metroid man. You're on my ship right now."

Then another voice came from the other room. "Who are you talking to in there honey?" 

"I'm talking to Halo man!" Metroid man turned back to me before commenting. "That's Samus, my girlfriend. She moved in a while ago."

*************

"Then we became the best of friends. Metroid man and Samus let me crash at their place for a while until I was able to get a home of my own. They even introduced me to Ridley. And that, kids, is how I met your mom."

Ridley squawked from where she was in the kitchen when she heard her name mentioned. "I love you too honey!" I yelled back before returning my attention to the three little horrible halo-pterodactyl hybrids sitting on the carpet in front of me. How I loved these little abominations of nature.

Then Humples spoke up. "Did you really fight an army of bug ponies?!" 

"Sure did champ. Now then, it's time for you all to go to bed." 

At the mention of sleep, Humples, Buttrub, and Facerape all let out a disappointed 'awwwwww'. "Nope, you need your sleep or you'll never grow up to be big and strong enough to hump your murdered enemies." I then tucked them into bed and gave them each a kiss on their adorable little visors. 

As I turned off the lights I couldn't help but reflect on how retardedly weird my life is. At least to anyone else. At this point, weird stuff seems pretty normal to me. Oh well, I like it like that...




The End...................................?

-------------
Credits
Written - Ethesto
Produced - Ethesto
Preread - Ethesto
Edited -Ethesto
Every Character - Ethesto

Yeah... I did everything except make the characters up... credits are useless...

Anyway, thanks a lot for reading this. As you all know, I wasn't planning on making the story this long to start with. It was fun, though. I might have continued this, but I'm going to be gone for two weeks starting on July 4th. I'm going on 'vacation' with my family. It's actually going to be us driving from Virginia to Missouri to California and back in a small, air conditionless car to visit family we haven't talked to in years... Honestly, it's going to be the worst and my parents are just making me come so I can drive for them. If you don't ever see me type anything again, rest assured that it's because I got in a horrible car accident and died. 


I hope you like the end. Halo man and Ridley got it on like Diddy Kong! Once again, thanks for reading. 

PS: If you read through this whole thing and you liked it... Can you 'like' it? I'm a massive like whore, and your likes give me a boner. 

Ethesto, signing out.
> Sea Quail
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Hey all you people. Hey all you people. Hey all you people won't you listen to me? I just wrote a sea quail, it's no ordinary sea quail. A sea quail about Halo man and poniessss!

Yeah... Anyway, I thought I'd Zelda all you fine lads to it...
Zelda