Letters
Day 7 - after returning from my banishment
Hello Myself,
I have decided to start writing letters to myself so that in the future I can look back on what I’ve gone through with pride that I got through it. It has been a week since I have returned, just myself, with no more voices in my head telling me lies. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I have felt this free. It feels like a ray of sunshine after one has been trapped in a dark, cold room for a thousand years. Although the moon reflects the light of the sun, I was always on the other side, which I guess was part of my punishment. I feel weak at the moment, like all my magic has left me, forsaken me. My mane is a solid color with no hint of twinkles of stars it once had. Celestia tells me that it will return soon enough, I can’t wait.
I am happy to be back though, breathing the air, feeling the breeze, I have even come to miss the rain. Although I’m happy to see everypony again, I know that they aren’t. Most delegates that come don’t look my in the eye and some even refuse to talk on private matters while I’m here. Celestia is trying to make them see reason, but that too will take time. I was able to raise the moon tonight. Celestia allowed me before and when I couldn’t do it she would help me out. But tonight, I was able to raise it as she was lowering the sun. I can’t really describe the feeling of it. It was like coming back to an old friend, one you spent a lifetime with but had to leave. Bring back all the memories, all the hurt and struggle. I would like to say that the moon kept me company, but I know that’s not true. The only company I had was the little voice in my head that made me go to the moon in the first place.
There isn’t too much that I can do now. I am learning the new culture of Equestria, who knew that so much could change in one thousand years. My sister has changed, she is quite a bit taller than me now, which should also go away as my power comes back to me. She has also grown up since my banishment, she is no longer interested in being playful or doing things for fun; all she does it work. I guess that is also partly my fault for making her do my share of work for a thousand years. It pains me to think about what she has gone through.
To the best of all possible futures,
Me
Day 20 - after returning from my banishment
Hello again,
Celestia says it’s been almost three weeks since my return. I’m still getting used to the new system of measuring time, she had to explain what a week was to me, and what made it worse was that it was in front of a group of diplomates. They all looked at me and started to whisper things behind their hoofs, it made me so mad. I know that I shouldn’t be getting upset about things like this, but I am. I’ve also noticed that the longer that I’m here, the less happy I seem. I know that it should be the opposite of it though, but I don’t know why I’m like this. Celestia has also noticed and asked me to see a therapist, a pony that specializes in helping ponies understand why they feel the way they do. At first I was skeptical about the whole thing, but apparently there have been some major leaps in the fields of this kind of things. But as I got more used to talking with him, he really seems to understand. I’m just going through something called ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’. Basically, I’m still getting used to life around here and it might take me a while to fully get used to life. I’m not sure how to take that.
I’m currently trying to look on the bright side of things: I’m here now and I’m safe. And that is what it comes down to, right? I wish I knew the answers, but no matter how much I think, I can’t find a good enough response to the questions that keep coming into my head. At first I thought it was the voice from a thousand years ago, but it sounds like my own thoughts, so it can’t be the voice. I’m probably just tired from all the work I’m doing to catch up with Celestia. Trying to quickly gain a thousand years of history, culture, magic, knowledge and much more is tiring and I can already feel it taking a toll on me, which is odd because alicorns aren’t supposed to be able to get tired this easily. I might ask my therapist about it.
To the end of tiredness,
Me
Day 50 - after returning from my banishment
Hi,
It’s been a crappy month, I’m not going to lie to myself. For starters, I found out that I might have something called depression. I don’t feel motivated to do any more work to catch up, I know that I can’t. I’ve done what I can, and doing any more will probably push me over the edge. I haven’t felt this numb since my time on the moon, but the difference is that I had a reason to feel bad, but I don’t understand why I am now. I should be happy, I should be ecstatic that I have a second chance to re-live my life. My therapist is also thinking that I have anxiety; which sucks for me because now in the rare chances that I do care about something, I start to overthink it and think of all the ways that I can possibly screw it up. He also gave me a few exercises I can do to feel better, like imagining myself in a safe and happy place. First, I don’t feel safe; I can’t feel safe with myself. I’m not sure what I’m capable of, nor do I want to know. I’m starting to isolate myself from the rest of the world, which hurts. But I know that when I’m around other ponies, I could accidentally hurt them, and I don’t want to take that chance. Second, I can’t think of something happy any more. The voice that came to me before my banishment skewed my perception of what my life was like. When I picture me and my sister playing outside the old castle, I only think of what bitterness my sister will cause me. And although I started off ‘happy’ when I got here, I’m starting to feel as if my sister is just putting on a mask every time she sees me. I watch her closely when she doesn’t know I’m looking at her and her face is nothing like the one she puts on when she looks at me. And my time on the moon can hardly be called happy, but I guess it was safe; I’ll stick with that for now.
I’m also now taking pills to help me with everything in my life. I can’t really name them all but there are pills I take to not stress, to be happy, to sleep, to wake... I could go on, but that really isn’t necessary or useful, I’m sure I’ll remember this time. Celestia continues to ask me when I’m going to be able to perform my royal duties, and really, I don’t know. I don’t know why she can’t tell that I’m not in a very good place at the moment. It’s like she is blind to all of this, or at least pretending to be.
Another thing that has happened, that I’m reluctant to write down seeing as anypony could find this piece of paper and read it, is that I’ve started to hurt myself. Not in any major way, but every now and then I feel completely numb to everything in the world and I just need to feel something. So I give myself a little cut here and there and try to heal myself as best I can before anypony sees them. But the more I hurt myself, the less power my healing spells have. I haven’t told anypony this yet, and I’m sure that I’ll get over it and hopefully nopony ever will have to hear of it.
Best wishes for the future,
Me
Day 57 - after returning from my banishment
Hey me,
I’m writing this much earlier than I would have liked. I’m starting to feel like this is the only time I can be truly honest with myself. I’m writing this because of an event that recently took place. I was walking around the castle, not doing much, when I saw two diplomates in a silent conversation between themselves. As I was turning back around, not really wanting to be noticed, one of the pair called to me. He started to question what I was doing and why I wasn’t as good of a ruler as my sister. The second of the two started to do the same and I couldn’t anything about it. I just stood there and tried to seem as strong as I could, but I eventually ran back to the comfort of isolation of my room. I was feeling so dirty because of what they called me that I tried to get the dirt off me. I poured steaming hot water all over my body and I tried to cut it off but it was no use, the feeling was still there. I passed out and was woken a few hours later by my sister. Oh, I will never forget the look on her face; so full of sadness, regret, and even hints of resentment and anger. Once I regained my consciousness, I was questioned by her. I don’t know what she was expecting to hear, but I didn’t seem to give her the answers she wanted. She then ordered guards to follow me around everywhere I go. Only while I sleep and talk with my therapist can I have a few moments of solitude, during which time I write this.
I hope I sleep well,
Me
Day 78 - after returning from my banishment
Hello,
I’m starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, about just ending everything now. I’m not really sure how much longer I can stay like this. I’m afraid that everything will just crumble down and I won’t be able to cope with it. But if I end it now, it will be on my own terms. I now know why ponies feel so strongly about dying on their own terms, it gives one the feeling of control, something I am currently lacking. I’m taking so many pills now I’m deciding whether or not just to stop. They are making my unable to do the simplest of tasks and I feel as if I have become a burden to everypony. I don’t want to be a burden, but I now can’t even raise the moon. Celestia is doing it for me, but she is still telling everypony that I’m doing it, I guess she is embarrassed that her sister can’t even do her most important royal duty. I haven’t left my room for the past week. Everything that I need comes to me: food, water, papers I have to sign for one reason or another. Even my therapist comes to my room. He continues to encourage me and tries to lift me up. I honestly think that he’s given up on trying to make me change, but he still tries to make me laugh. Instead of asking me about myself, he will tell me stories of his younger years, basically anything that he thinks will make me even crack a smile. He really is a good pony. He definitely understands me; he understands that I can’t change. I will surely miss him. After he leaves, my room goes back to being empty except for me and my own thoughts, which are now a dangerous pair. Celestia has tried to get everything that could potentially hurt me out of my room, but her attempts have done nothing to stop me.
I’ve also been wondering about all of these letters that I write to myself. I’m not sure what purpose they will serve seeing as I probably won’t be growing old enough to read them with pride. Maybe some other pony will read them, it’s an interesting thought to play with. What would they do? They could read them and think nothing of it, but what if they read them and find out what was wrong with me? No, that won’t be it. Nopony will truly understand what is wrong with me because they have never lived my life or had my experiences.
Well, whatever happens will happen,
Me
Day 90 - after returning from my banishment
Goodbye me,
I can hear the voice in my head clearly now. It’s not the same voice as before; now, it’s really is me and what I want. I wouldn’t go as far as to call it my voice of reason, but it definitely makes more sense that what I’m doing. I have made the decision that I will end it by myself. It wasn’t really easy to make, but it wasn’t too hard either. I think it’s more like a decision I knew I was going to have to make, more of an acceptance of fate than anything else. I think the ponies have also noticed I made this decision. The guards are no longer look at my like I’m a burden, but try to go about their duties as faithfully as possible. I could have sworn that I saw a tear creep out of my therapist’s eye as he left my today. He looked at me and asked me whether or not I was planning on throwing a party for my hundredth day back. I put up a fake smile and said I would think about it. Then he did something that hasn’t happened for over a thousand years, he gave me a tight squeeze and asked me to stay, then he left. I will never forget him. Celestia has been distant from me for some time and I can’t blame her. I’m guessing it would be sad to watch your own sister hurt so much.
I stayed up to watch the moon rise. Most enjoy watching the sun set, but they are missing out on the beautiful experience of watching the moon slowly rise above the sun and carrying all the stars along with it. The dark blue night sky replacing the last of the orange and red the sun is still giving to us.
To the best of times
Me
Day 100 - after returning from my banishment
Farwell Sister,
I’m going to assume you are the one reading this as you would be going through my room. I don’t know how most ponies would write their last letter, but I’ll do my best with what I have.
First, I don’t want you to think badly of me. Some might say that I am a coward to choose to die before I’m supposed to, but I would disagree. I consider this brave because I’m willing to go when I’m supposed to, not fighting it. Since my arrival back to Equestria I have been trying to catch up. Life goes at a constant speed and I just couldn’t catch up to where it was now, so I think it was trying to tell me that I had to let go. With all the things that I did to myself, they were just ways I was trying to deal with the pain. But I guess now I don’t have to worry about that.
Second, please tell my therapist to celebrate this day. Where ever I am now, I’m throwing a party, and although I wish he could join me, his party is in Equestria. He gave a smile to somepony with no joy left, which made the last of my days bearable.
Lastly, don’t feel any guilt, sister. You did everything you could to help me, but in the end, this was the way it was supposed to be. Whatever happened to me was because of me; it happened inside me. You took on my work as well as your own hoping that one day I could come back and ruler beside you. It was a nice dream, sister, but that was all it ever could be, a dream.
I have made my choice and now I accept whatever comes after this.
Maybe we will meet again sometime, in another life
Princess Luna