Another human tossed into another Equestria. Hey, it happens sometimes. Our hero adjusts well enough and just wants to disregard mares and acquire treasure. But he soon discovers that in this land, the guys are treated a little differently.
Inspired by a series of threads over on the normalpeople board. Takes place in reversed gender roles Equestria, where the guys are gals and the gals are a bunch of small, mostly benevolently sexist, horses.
Another human tossed into another Equestria. Hey, it happens sometimes. Our hero adjusts well enough and just wants to disregard mares and acquire treasure. But he soon discovers that in this land, the guys are treated a little differently.
Twilight flew swiftly over the Canterlot streets, her diminutive draconian assistant clinging tightly to her back as she navigated the busy post-workday traffic. It was slightly easier in the air but she still sent a few Pegasi scrambling out of the way, looking on in bewilderment in the wake of her shouted apologies.
Twilight swooped down into the gated courtyard sprawling in front of a massive tower. It was obvious from the unmoving bodies of the four guards scattered loosely about that something was wrong. Twilight flapped her wings frantically as she landed a bit too fast, hooves skidding on the ground. Spike immediately leapt off her back and ran to the nearest downed guard.
"They're just asleep," He reported, "must have been a spell."
Another Pony landed- a brown-coated Pegasus stallion wearing chainmail barding and sporting a fearful expression despite the imposing winged battleaxe that adorned his flank. A member of the air patrol.
"Oh, Miss Sparkle, thank goodness you're here! She got into the sanctum, we couldn't touch her. She just started throwing spells and-and-"
Twilight stopped him by putting a reassuring hoof on his shoulder and prodding him to sit down.
"It's alright. Just calm down and tell me what she looked like." Twilight said in a measured but commanding tone.
The Pegasus took a deep breath, "Light blue Unicorn with...um, whitish hair I think? She kept calling herself the Great and Powerful-"
"Trixie" Twilight finished for him, annoyance clear in her voice.
"A-are we going in now or waiting for backup?" The Pegasus asked timidly.
"It might be dangerous. Sit tight out here and wait for the others."
He seemed relieved at this plan and scrambled off with a quick "Yes, princess"
Twilight motioned to spike and the two started toward the tower's entrance at a trot. The sanctum fit right in with the surrounding Canterlot architechture. The only outstanding thing being the gigantic beanstalk that had sprouted from inside the top chamber and partially dislodged the wood-shingled conical roof, increasing the building's height by about a dozen stories. A mighty battle had been fought and lost in Celestia's court against the botanical society to have it cut down.
They started up the wide marble steps that swept up to a set of glass-paned silver doors. The doors stood open, the enchantment that normally sealed them against threats both corporeal and magical had been unraveled.
"Be careful not to touch anything," Twilight said to the dragon at her side, "This is the biggest arcane repository in Canterlot. It's where we store dangerous or weaponized magic items."
"What do you think Trixie is after?" Spike asked.
"No telling. But she'll likely blow the place up if we don't get to her soon."
They passed the threshold into the sanctum's dank interior, lit by the slanting afternoon light pouring in from high windows. It had the atmosphere of a big library but rather than books contained tall shelves packed full of items. Vases, lamps, scrolls, trinkets and every other nick-knack imaginable. Racks lined the walls and held wands, weapons and even broomsticks.
Twilight darted off, zig-zagging between shelves and aisles until they came to the center of the room. Spike almost rear-ended her when she stopped abruptly. They had located the great and powerful burglar herself.
Trixie stood at a big polished oaken podium, using her magic to frantically flip the pages of a huge inventory catalog back and forth. The sour look on her face hinted that she hadn't found what she was looking to pilfer yet. Her eyes snapped up from the book.
"Trixie!" Twilight shouted, "What in Tartarus are you doing?"
"Oh, you aren't required here, Sparkle" The Unicorn said with a dismissive wave of her hoof, "Trixie merely came here to conduct some research. I have much greater ambitions than your cute little Alicorn trick."
"That's what we call a crime," Twilight said as her horn began to glow. "You attacked those guards out there and entered a forbidden area!"
"They were insubordinate. Acting like a Pony of MY repute wasn't allowed in here!" The catalog in front of the blue Unicorn slammed shut to punctuate the statement.
"But you're not allowed in here." Twilight replied, shaking her head. "Nopony is. Again, it's called a FORBIDDEN area for a reason!"
"Stay out of our way!" Trixie shouted, grasping the catalog in front of her with her magic and sending it spinning across the room.
Twilight and Spike dove in opposite directions to avoid the flying book. It slammed into a big coppery cauldron tucked between two shelves and dislodged the lid with a loud clang.
There was a loud piercing cackle as a Pony rose from within the cauldron's interior in a flowing glob of shadow. Jet black with long, scraggly black hair and what appeared to be a set of goat horns, the creature raised its hooves. "Ahhh! After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Eques-" Spike quickly slammed the lid down on the creature. The cauldron rocked a back and forth a couple times then was still.
Next the podium came flying towards Twilight but smashed against the barrier that shimmered to life around her. Twilight dropped the shield and returned fire with a barrage of magic darts. The streaking projectiles wouldn't do any real harm but would still convey the sensation of being pierced and hopefully convince Trixie to surrender. None of them landed however thanks to sheer luck as Trixie juked left and right, one of the magic needles embedding itself in a shelf before poofing into white sparks.
Trixie reared up on her hind legs. She fell forward onto a standard posture, horn glowing brightly as she did and tracing a crescent of energy that surged forward. Twilight grunted with effort as the ethereal blade crashed into her shield. The force of the impact rushed around her and dislodged several artifacts from their shelves behind her. Items crashed to the ground and the sound of shattering glass as something priceless was destroyed.
Twilight spread her wings and rose, preparing to send another salvo at Trixie but the Unicorn whipped a carpet off a shelf and took to the air herself. The Ponies circled each other in the generous airspace provided by the vaulted ceiling, splashing the walls with bright flashes of light as they exchanged bursts of magical energy. Trixie however, did not notice Spike scale one of the bookshelves until she swooped close enough for him to blast the underside of the flying carpet with dragonfire. With a shout she careened downward in a trail of smoke.
Trixie wiped out a table and somersaulted over a chair. Her momentum somersaulted her across the floor until she came to a halt upside down against a tall square object covered in a curtain. She scrambled to her hooves as Twilight touched down in front of her, wings spread wide and head lowered. A bolt of energy slammed into Trixie too quickly for her to shield and propelled her backwards into the mirror. This dislodged the curtain and it fell like a waterfall of fabric piling atop her.
Instead of her own reflection, Twilight saw a shadowy shifting entity within the mirror. Two red eyes blazed from the darkness as it watched her. Her mouth dropped open and she began to walk toward it in a dreamlike daze, eyes dilating until she had almost no pupils left.
"Twi!" Spike rushed up behind her and straddled her neck, taking hold of her horn and pulling her head away from the mirror.
As soon as Twilight broke eye contact with the cursed mirror she exhaled and coughed, frost emitting from her nostrils as if it were suddenly very cold. It disappated.
"Th..thanks, Spike. They really ought to review their containment procedures here." Without looking, she urged the curtain back into place. She darted her head around in search of Trixie and spotted the tail end of her cape disappear around a pillar.
Trixie hopped backwards from the orb of light which deposited Twilight and Spike a few feet away from her.
"Give it up!" Twilight ordered.
Trixie spotted a more preferable option sitting in a rack on the wall. A staff carved out of bright red polished coral with a conch shell attached to the top of it. She seized it with her magic and brought it around to point shell-first at Twilight.
Trixie laughed, "The scepter of the sea is going to make you a real wash-out!"
"Lame!" Spike jeered as he peeked around from behind Twilight.
The staff emitted a deep rumbling sound like that of an enormous ocean wave- faint at first but rising in volume until...a trickle of water squirted from the shell, followed by a rather confused turtle. It flopped onto the floor and made a mad dash for a hiding spot.
"Bucking cheap knockoff!" Trixie shouted, slamming the scepter to the floor. A beam of violet energy slammed into her a second later. She sagged but managed to stay on her hooves. Her horn glowed and Twilight prepared to call up her shield again, but instead of an attack there was a loud pop. Smoke billowed up, obscuring the immediate area.
Trixie breathed hard as she galloped up the spiral staircase, not bothering to look down. She reached a landing and burst through a set of doors into the sanctum's second floor. Trixie clambered to a halt and glanced around the room, blinking a couple times. It was empty. She took a few steps in but from the sound of her hoofsteps realized she was walking on a metallic surface.
The floor consisted of shiny coppery plates while the upper part of the room was occupied by brass gears, chains, counterweights and other components as if it were the interior of a gargantuan clock. A pair of arms supported big crystal balls that must have been the size of a carriage each, slowly orbiting the room in opposing directions. A curious device but definitely not what Trixie was looking for. She cast about for a door or another staircase but found nothing.
"Come on! Where could they have stashed it?" She muttered to herself.
A flash of purple light brought Trixie once again face to face with Twilight. The Alicorn's horn and eyes alike flashed with a brilliant light. The beam of energy punched straight through Trixie's shield and sent her flying across the room.
"Trixie...it's over" Twilight said, "Half the Canterlot guard is outside by now. You aren't going to get away with whatever you were trying to do here."
The words were like weights to the not so great and powerful-feeling Trixie as she climbed to her hooves. She hung her head. Then slowly she rose to meet Twilight's gaze, horn glowing. The two Ponies began a furious exchange of magic, blue and purple beams flickering and bouncing off opposite-colored shields like a spastic thunderstorm.
The machinery above them began to pick up speed as the battle reached a fevered pitch, rattling its housing and sending cogwheels spinning fast enough to strip their gears off. It was only when a chunk of brass machinery crashed to the floor between them that the two Ponies ceased their fight and noticed the commotion.
"Run! It's going to-"
Twilight didn't get a chance to finish as the two crystal balls exploded simultaneously in a cascade of sparks and glowing crystalline glass that scattered in a spiral pattern due to the motion of the arms. The two spinning arms sagged then and ripped themselves free violently, hitting the floor with a loud metallic clang that vibrated the entire room. The machinery in the center of the ceiling shrieked as it was wrenched free and compressed into a spot where reality seemed to swirl inward on itself.
Twilight dove onto Spike and summoned her shield against the pelting bits of machinery but soon noticed a sound rising above the ripping metal- a voice...no, it was somebody screaming.
Trixie heard the screaming as well, growing louder and louder until it was all around her- or on top of her to be specific. A bipedal entity appeared in the air before her, its lanky body stretched with its arms raised. One of his feet stepped down as if trying to find solid ground that was no longer there. Instead, his foot found her head, crumpling her hat. The two of them froze for a brief second of weightless silence and then gravity seemed to catch up with the creature. At the same time, the void above collapsed with a thunderclap that blew out every single window in the room.
When the shower of glass, brass machinery and other debris finally ceased, Twilight came out from under her wings to find Trixie knocked out cold in a tangled heap with whatever had come from the void.
"I don't know about y'all, but ah'm tuckered out" Applejack announced as she leaned on the wooden fence.
She was joined by Rainbow Dash and Twilight who looked like they could both concur. The Ponyville outskirts were bathed in the pleasant warmth of the waning afternoon sun and the countryside around them was turning vibrant with color at the arrival of mid-spring. The bulk of the day had been spent helping Applejack ward off a swarm of fireflies that had wandered too close to the orchards. Thanks to some quick thinking on Twilight's part and Dash's speed in wrangling together some rain clouds, disaster had been averted and the flaming insects had been relocated safely to a volcano. Rainbow Dash tuned out of the small talk that AJ and Twilight were making, her eyes fixated across the field to the dirt road winding its way into Ponyville.
"Hey check it out," Dash said with a nod, "It's that Adam guy".
Her friends spotted him, striding towards the town with a rucksack on his back and garbed in the strange clothing he had brought over from his world. He had exchanged his sneakers for a pair of durable leather hiking boots and a tricorne hat was upon his head. The human had become a semi-regular face around Ponyville in the months after arriving, drifting in and out at odd times.
"It's getting kind of late" Applejack remarked, "He shouldn't be walking the roads alone at this hour. 'Specially with them black-feather gals runnin' around robbin' folks."
"Whats the deal with him anyway? Is he still living in Canterlot?" Dash asked this question at Twilight whom had the most contact of anyone with the interdimensional traveler.
Twilight shrugged, "I'm not sure. Last I spoke to him, he said he was doing some sightseeing." She frowned, "I hope he hasn't had problems adjusting. I remember how cliqueish it can be up there."
Dash smirked when a thought occured to her. "I wonder if he's had some..." She made a rapid clicking sound with her mouth.
"Wouldn't surprise me. He was powerful friendly toward the mares" Applejack replied. It wasn't clear from her tone whether she approved of such a prospect or not.
"Uh..am I missing something?" Twilight asked. She made an attempt to emulate the clicking sound Dash had made.
Rainbow Dash facehooved while Applejack chuckled and placed an arm around her purple friend.
"You really are way too innocent, Twilight. Rainbow was askin' if Adam would want to have a roll in the hay with anypony. You know..do the Appeloosa long-jump? Play the Phillydelphia Fiddle?"
Twilight was still oblivious.
"Sex, sugarcube." Applejack said flatly to the Alicorn.
"Oh...Oh!" Twilight's face flooded with comprehension. She scowled at the other two Ponies. "Really you two? That's so crude!"
Dash scoffed "Oh, please. Stallions enjoy it just as much as we do. They just can't admit to it," She clapped a hoof to her chest smugly, "Believe me, I know from experience."
"Well, that's even more messed up! The poor thing has it bad enough being tossed into a strange world! He doesn't need to be treated like a hunk of meat!"
"He doesn't need to be treated like a statue either." Dash argued.
"Either way," Applejack cut in, "It aint nopony's business but his. Ya'll just need to unwind. What say we head downtown tonight and have some drinks?"
"Sounds good" Dash said, lifting off. "Twilight can see the Stallion Slayer work in live action!" She blasted off skyward with a laugh.
I stepped out into late-afternoon Ponyville. The town was starting to wind down for the day and a few street lanterns were already flickering above the sidewalk. School fillies rushed past bubbling with chatter, charged with energy now that class was out. A Unicorn leaned out of a window, beating a dusty rug against the side of the building. In the distance a bell tolled, piercing through the hum of the marketplace chatter. Since my presence no longer parted crowds and elicited shocked gasps, the little town's charm was starting to grow on me. I actually developed a smile as I strolled with hands in pockets down the sidewalk. There was business to conduct before I could relax however.
I got by well enough doing odd jobs here and there but the real money maker was my talent for dredging up artifacts. This "talent" of course wasn't a natural thing like what the Ponies had. Instead it came from a little something I had picked up on my very first day here in horselandia.
It was hard to remember exactly due to the extreme shock I had been under. I assumed I had pocketed the device by accident thinking it was my cell phone. It looked like a compass, but the entire thing- needle and all was carved out of a single hunk of clear glass or possibly some type of transparent crystal. I later discovered that the thing was magical and could lead me to other such "artifacts". How this was accomplished is difficult to explain. I couldn't really use the thing at will, instead I just sort of knew when the time was right. It was almost like a feeling of deja-vu that actually flourished into a full blown memory. I would recall the path to whatever dungeon the artifact rested in despite having no knowledge of it.
I arrived at my destination without incident. It was a little shop on a quiet side street. Spiderwebs clung to the corners of the windows, the interior of the shop obscured with dark curtains. A bell jingled as I maneuvered through the door and into the musty interior.
The shop was dimly lit with an array of glowing crystals arranged on the walls. As usual, it was far from bustling with only a single other customer browsing a collection of old tomes in one corner. The Gryphon turned toward me for a brief disinterested moment then returned to shopping.
Sitting behind a wooden counter across from the entrance was a weathered old cobalt-coated Unicorn stallion, his aged face adorned with a short white beard that made him look more like a goat. It was Blue Blaze, purveyor of magical items and my biggest customer by far. He glanced up from the newspaper he was reading and his expression brightened upon seeing me.
"Adam! Good to see you!" He grinned, leaning forward with a creak from the stool he sat on. I leaned down for the customary one-armed neck hug. The adorable little shit.
"Howdy" I replied, pulling a bundle of fabric out of my pack. "I had a pretty nice haul this week".
I plopped the bundle on the counter and unfurled the fabric to display the four silvery horseshoes. Blaze took a moment to probe the objects with his magic, eyes shut and face tense with concentration.
"Aye...horseshoes o' agility. These are the real deal. They'll fetch a handsome price fer sure. I'll take the lot."
I took the pouch of jingling coins that were slid across the counter to me. But then the old Unicorn put a hoof on my hand.
"Ye have quite the talent, lad. But I do think ya ought to leave the adventurin' to the mares. Them dungeons aint safe."
"Pssh. That aint happening." I said, weighing the coin pouch in my hand.
"Aye. Yer just like me when I was a young-in. Strong-headed. When I first met Mossy, she tried to slap my flank and I went and bit her somethin' fierce." He chuckled, a wistful look in his old face, "You'll change when ye meet the right mare, I'll tell ya that."
"Well, who knows," I shrugged, "But for the moment the coin keeps pretty good company."
He floated an old tobacco pipe to his mouth. A flicker of blue flame flourished and he inhaled the fruity-smelling substance. His weary orange eyes considered me for a long moment.
"I ain't got too much family around these days. I just worry about ya is all."
I rolled my eyes, "Well you shouldn't. I can handle myself. Worst thing I've seen down in the dungeons is some of those weird greenish slime things. But last week I saw this purple one- must have been the size of my head. Did you know they taste like real jelly?"
"Ye saw big purple? Really?" Blaze was incredulous, "So it aint just a myth after all..."
"And I guess there are some big spiders down there. But it's nothing, really."
Blaze put a hoof to his chest, "Oh, stop stop. I can't hear this. My heart can't take it. Just...just watch yerself."
"I promise" I told him as I shouldered my backpack and bid him a good weekend.
The tavern was loud with the sound of revelry and a live action fiddle number that was reaching a fever pitch. Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Applejack sat and watched as the usual dance of the bar scene played out in front of them. Loud mares and packs of stallions chattered among themselves.
"Glad you could make it this time" Dash said to Twilight with a grin, "Are you going to at least TRY to talk to somepony?"
Twilight sipped her drink and made a face. "I'll see what happens. I don't know, this really isn't my thing." She couldn't keep her eyes from following the flank of a passing stallion. She sighed and fidgeted with her ears.
"That's not going to work," Dash said, "You can't expect stallions to just fall on top of you. You aren't me after all."
"Oh, here we go.." Applejack commented, rolling her eyes.
"Is this really necessary?" Twilight asked, "I don't see what's so special about creeping up on stallions and asking for casual sex while intoxicated. I just feel awkward and I'm sure it scares them too."
"It's only awkward because you make it that way" Dash insisted. "Start a conversation and if it doesn't take off, just walk away. What's so hard about that?"
"I'd just rather approach somepony somewhere else...like, not here."
Dash tossed back her drink in one gulp. "You just have to push yourself. Remember when you got your wings? The more you tried to fly, the easier it got. Talking to stallions is the same thing but instead of using your wings, you use your mouth."
"And Dash is the expert in usin' her mouth." Applejack commented.
Dash smiled, "That's right! See, she knows!"
The doors swung open to admit another throng of raucous Ponies inside, along with a singular being that towered above them as he strode toward the bar. He ordered a drink and claimed one of the empty bar stools.
"This is perfect," Dash said, leaning on the table as she watched the human, "Twilight. You have to hit on Adam. I'll rope him in and you can take it from there." She turned her head back to Twilight, who was now staring at the table in front of her.
"I didn't say I wanted to sleep with him!" Twilight hissed back in a hushed tone, despite being nowhere near earshot of the Human. "Besides I'm not ready, I don't have anything to say really, I-I just can't."
"Go big or go home, Twilight. This is happening" Dash said with a measure of mirth in her voice.
With a gust of wind, I found myself joined at the bar by a rainbow-haired Pegasus.
"Hey there" She greeted, blowing a shock of multicolored hair from her eyes.
"Rainbow Dash, right?" I remembered meeting her along with the rest of Twilight's circle on my first couple visits to the town while being shown around. She nodded enthusiastically.
"Whats your poison tonight?" She asked, eyeing my glass.
"Meh, this amber ale is pretty good." I remarked, taking another swig of the dark brown substance. It was considered one of the stronger drinks from what I gathered, though it was about the same as an earth beer from my 'scientific' studies.
"Woah. You don't mess around do you?" She laughed.
I felt the soft touch of her tail on my arm as she flicked it, putting her hooves up on the bar so she could lean over and call the bartender over. I was afforded a view of her flank. I knew it wasn't the alcohol telling me that this flank was a nice flank. It looked toned but still retained enough meat to plump out pleasantly in all the right places, the mounds curving flawlessly into her round thighs. If I had to sum up her rear end in one word it would be "slappable". I cleared my throat and averted my eyes back to my drink. I came here to enjoy a nice evening drinking, not to have a moral crisis.
Thankfully, Rainbow Dash roused me from my dark thoughts. "Hey. So..I'm here with Twilight and Applejack." She gave a playful punch to my shoulder, "If you want to sit with the cool ponies, follow me".
I followed her across the crowd and found Twilight and Applejack waiting for us. Twilight seemed to be fascinated with a spot on the table while apple horse smiled and gave a warm greeting. Twilight nearly took to the air when I patted her on the shoulder.
"Hey, how are you?" I asked. "It's been a hot minute."
She nodded and forced a smile. "Y-you too"
I made some small talk with Twilight as the night wore on. Mostly generic "how are you"s and "what's new"s, though most of it was erased by the alcohol. Twilight became more and more quiet, increasingly overshadowed by Rainbow Dash. The Pegasus seemed to be extremely impressed at the amount I could put down. The liquor began to loosen her tongue.
"This guy!" Dash said loudly, a hoof on my shoulder as I emptied another shot of something that tasted of apples. "He's drinking you under the table, Twilight" She said slyly to her purple friend.
Then Applejack pointed out that I had Dash beat by a couple shots. The Pegasus glanced at the empty glasses in front of me, then her own, then shot me a look. She didn't have to say anything. I knew that look. It was on like some sort of tie-wearing gorilla. Dash kept up well enough, matching me shot for shot. But I could tell it was having more of an effect on her. A red blush came to her cheeks and she was beginning to slur. Her hoof found its way onto my thigh.
Around the time that the nth round of shots arrived, I became aware of a presence standing just behind me. I found a rather plump white-coated Unicorn glaring at the proceedings. My glass floated suddenly out of my hand under the impetus of a greenish magical aura. The newcomer sniffed at it.
"Hem hem. What's this?" She looked from the glass to me, "M'lord, may I buy you a more palatable drink? This is a little on the strong side."
"Uh, can I help you?" Dash asked before I could say anything, having turned around at the voice.
"This is too strong for a stallion" The stranger insisted, "I know what your game is. You're going to get him drunk and take advantage of him!"
Dash was nose to nose with the Unicorn at this point. "I don't know about YOU but I don't need to do stuff like that. He wanted to drink with the mares, that's what he's doing. Shove off!"
I stood from the table, fighting against the urge to fall down as the floor spun around me. I managed to summon the dexterity to grab Rainbow Dash, tucking her under an arm.
"Woah, woah, relax." I commanded. The strange pony seemed cowed by this. She muttered another m'lord and backed away into a sea of jeers and teasing.
Every set of eyes was on me at the moment, not the least of which was Twilight's. Dash struggled in my grip, but couldn't manage it with her wings pinned. I made for the door carrying her. Some of the Ponies hooted and hollered or laughed at the spectacle.
"Be gentle with her!" One mare called out, causing her table to erupt in laughter.
A few more comments drifted up to me in the semi-haze of intoxication.
"Must-a come from one of them topsy-turvy warrior stallion societies"
"That's my fetish I tell ya hwhat"
"Mmmm-hmm"
Ponies are weird sometimes.
The cool air met us outside. I released Dash a dozen paces away from the door where the revelry and lantern light spilled out into the evening punctuated with periodic rises of muffled laughter.
Dash fluttered to the ground and wobbily stood, losing a single cyan feather in the process. She stomped the ground and ruffled her wings.
"That couldn't have been anymore embarassing!"
"Sorry about that" I said, kneeling down to her level. "I don't know what her problem was. Just didn't want you getting in trouble. You're too much fun to drink with".
She grinned at that.
"Are you alright-?" We both asked each other simultaneously then shared a laugh. Dash's hoof clicked on the sidewalk. Once, twice..our faces were now very close. I closed the distance and we shared a brief but loud smooch.
"Alright, break it up!" Applejack appeared, separating the two of us. Dash sat back while I rolled back onto my own butt.
Applehorse scowled at Dash "You need a cold shower"
She whipped back to me, "And you need to be more careful. Getting between two mares like that ain't a good idea ya hear?"
I stood up and brushed myself off. "Oh please! What are they gonna do? I'm like eleventy percent times more taller than you are all." Perhaps the alcohol had hit harder than I realized.
Applejack shook her head, "Ah' don't care! Ya'll might be a pretty big guy but yer still a guy!".
"For yo- wait. Are the guys here stupid idiots or what?" I placed my hands on my hips and swayed only a couple of times while trying to look indignant. An invisible force siezed one of my arms as Twilight appeared by my side, horn glowing softly.
"I'll make sure he gets home" She said to Applejack who nodded then set off to do the same with Rainbow Dash after some parting words.
As I did on many a saturday morning, I awoke with a dull headache, cotton mouth and all the other wonderous symptoms of a night out drinking. But then all of a sudden-books. Books everywhere.
I looked about the strange room before recalling it was Twilight that had brought me home. She was nowhere in sight but apparently had let me have the bed. I had also been carefully tucked in. Oh, that horse.
Downstairs, she was curled up on the couch. Her head lay on her folded up forelegs and one purple wing stretched out draping over the coffee table. She had apparently been in a wrestling match with her blanket and pillow, which were discarded on the carpet. I stepped over quietly and carefully took hold of her wing, gently guiding the appendage along its range of motion back into a folded position. I then draped the blanket over her and as a final touch, I took up an empty coffee mug on the table and hung it by the handle over her horn. Perfect.
A couple hours and a hike later, I clambered through a knot of wild underbrush with the compass clutched tightly in one hand. The vegetation here held a slick moist feeling- not out of place in the humid and dank Everfree. The field in front of me was covered in similarly soggy vegetation and wooden detritus but looked a bit too flat compared to the dense trees that squared it off.
I ventured into the tall grass for a few paces before my foot fell upon stone tiles concealed where they had sunken into the earth and been covered by the grass. The compass worked its magic and a memory flashed into my mind. A huge snake's head painstakingly carved from solid granite, mouth yawning wide to expose a staircase leading downward into the dark. A table heaped with steaming pots and beakers. A dagger being dipped into a vase of caustic green liquid. I glanced down at the compass as the runes within faded from their white-hot glow.
I found the entrance behind a pair of tall willows that had grown up to envelop it back into the forest. The smooth stone was eroded, looking rough and pockmarked with any detail it once had worn away long ago. It retained the rough shape of something that -could- have been a snake's head at one point if you squinted at just the right angle. With flashlight in one hand and trusty crowbar in the other, I ventured once more into the breach.
Twilight sat outside her bedroom door, hoof frozen midway as she reconsidered knocking. According to a nearby clock it was still early- 8 on the dot. She began to pace back and forth.
I shouldn't bother him, but I want to make sure he's alright. He had a lot to drink last night...
She bit her lip, watching the inert door as if it would reveal some sort of answer. The thought of a male sprawled out on her bed spreading his microbes all over the place was equally thrilling and awkward. What if he was in there putting up pink curtains and throwing potpurri all over the place?
"Hey, Twilight?" A voice called from the stairwell. She hadn't noticed Spike until he spoke.
"I wasn't spying!" Twilight shouted.
"Err...okay?" The dragon said, "There's a couple of guards out front that want to speak to you."
There were indeed a couple of guards waiting on the doorstep, clad in full goldsteel armor.
"Princess?", one of the mares spoke, both of them bowing quickly, "We've got a lead on those Gryphon bandits. One of our air scouts spotted them heading into an old dungeon just inside the Everfree. We'd appreciate some ah, magical artillery."
"Are they really that dangerous?" Twilight asked.
"It's been rumored that they've actually committed murder" she replied, nodding.
Twilight's eyes narrowed, "Okay, let's go."
The snake dungeon was pretty bland as far as these old places were concerned. The corridor weaved back and forth in gentle curves that must have mimicked the shape of a snake's body and there were no visible doors or other distractions.
A Pony skeleton leered out of the darkness into the circle of illumination provided by my flashlight. It was half crumpled against the wall. Such sights were not unheard of in the dungeons but I halted. The skeleton's bones creaked as its head began to turn, the sound disturbingly loud down here in the dingy silence. I wielded my crowbar, poised to smash the thing.
A mossy green snake suddenly slithered out of the skeleton's empty skull, which fell and smashed apart on the floor with a hollow pop. I kicked a rock at the snake and the creature decided to retreat, disappearing into a gap between the bricks.
The final chamber came into view after one final sharp curve of the corridor. It was open with a high arched entryway, flanked by two pillars carved into the likeness of a couple of cobras coiling toward the ceiling. These statues had endured the elements a little better and their eyes still twinkled with inset emeralds. I had to give the sculptors credit-they managed to make them look menacing.
The circular chamber beyond was wide open but mostly empty. I had expected a chest but instead found a sarcophagus situated on a podium in the maw of another stone snake's head. The two fangs from the snake's head extended down on either side of the sarcophagus, making it impossible to manipulate the lid which I confirmed was too heavy to lift after attempting to pry it directly up. I went to work with the crowbar and a hammer pulled from my pack, chipping away at one of the aged stone fangs. It put up quite a resistance but finally snapped off.
I worked the lid open by prying and pulling until it was maneuvered off the side of the sarcophagus. It fell to the ground with a loud thud. Laying there in the sarcophagus was a dessicated corpse. Papery scraps of skin clung to the bare white bones, all of it covered in a powder- whether it was dust or the byproducts of rot I could not say nor did I care. It was humanoid but as I examined the reverse-jointed leg bones, it was obvious that it was not a long-lost relative of mine.
Placed on the hollow chest of the creature was what must have been the artifact- a long and thin dagger held in a leather sheath. I reached down and tenderly plucked the artifact up. Flashlight in mouth, I unsheathed the weapon. It began to ooze with a greenish substance that seemed to well up from invisible pores on the blade. A dagger of venom most likely, not that I was an expert at identifying these things.
A noise reached me from the corridor outside. I whirled around to the entryway. Luckily, the source of the footsteps revealed themselves before my imagination had time to conjure up all sorts of creeping horrors stumbling toward me in the near-darkness.
Four strangers filed into the room, the look on their avian faces instantly recognizable as predatory. They fanned out and one sauntered forward, large green eyes piercing as she looked me up and down. It was hard to tell in the dingy light where her feathers ended and fur began since both were a glossy jet-black color. She wore a cloth vest and a mace strapped across her front side.
The gryphon whistled, "Well well. I knew these dungeons had booty in them but this is ridiculous!"
Her cohorts laughed at that while I stood to face them squarely. I crossed my arms and tried to exert an air of confidence.
"Ladies? I don't believe we've met" I said.
"The name's Stormlight" The black Gryphon said, "I heard you back in town talking to that old dried up bag of a unicorn. Said you were pretty good at finding artifacts."
She paused to extend a viciously sharp talon and scratch at the floor. "Now the way I figure it, you don't have a horn..."
"On his head anyway" One of the other gryphons mumbled causing a round of suppressed chuckling among them.
"...So that means this little talent is coming from somewhere else. Why don't you be a good boy and hand it over. Things could get ugly down here for a stallion all by his lonesome. Some bandits could come barging in and do...well, all manner of unseemly things to him."
I unzipped my hoodie and shrugged out of it leaving my top half clad only in a less restrictive plain green t-shirt.
"Oh no," The black Gryphon said, "You wont get off that easy. Hand the detector over first, then we can have some fun."
She saw what I was really intent on doing when I drew the crowbar and held it at the 'bash some skulls' position. The Gryphons apparently detected some humor in this and they laughed heartily.
"Alright, enough screwing around. Grab him." Stormlight ordered and two of the Gryphons stepped forward. The one in the lead- a grey-feathered and squat looking catbird, broke into a trot toward me. I feigned a swing at her and she reared up, arm poised to grab my weapon. But instead, I flipped the crowbar and smacked her in the side of the head sharply. It was enough to rattle her and send her stumbling backwards.
I crouched and swept a leg out from under the other Gryphon with the crowbar's curved side. She grunted as her head smacked the stone. Stormlight watched all this with her beak agape but then unstrapped the mace she carried and passed it off to the third henchgriffon, this one tall and a bit skinny with messy rust-colored feathers.
She swung the mace low a couple times trying to clobber my knees as I backed up, the stone snake's head behind me looming up from the darkness to cut off any further retreat. The skinny Gryphon pressed forward. I brought the crowbar up to block a vicious swing of the mace, replying with a short jab to the Gryphon's midsection and a boot to the chest to send her onto her back.
A flash of black feathers approached from my right side. A talon closed around my crowbar while another sized one of my arms, pain shooting through it as the claws dug into exposed flesh. I was then lifted off the ground and swung around, but was thankfully released while my crowbar remained in Stormlight's grasp. Stars exploded across my vision as my ribcage was introduced to the big stone snake's head.
Stormlight landed and loomed over me, tossing the crowbar aside. Her henchmen had regrouped and encircled me where I lay propped up on an elbow after having the wind knocked out of me. Blood streaked down my right arm from the puncture marks and it stung terribly from supporting the weight of my upper body.
"Heh. I guess you're not just a pretty face after all" Stormlight said. She motioned to the skinny Gryphon holding the mace and she handed the weapon back to her boss. The smooth coppery head looked particularly solid.
"Sorry. I'm not really the chivalrous type." Stormlight said, raising the mace on high.
"Me neither" I said.
Before Stormlight could turn my head to pulp, I remembered the ancient technique of the 'cunt punt'. Standing over me, she had left herself wide open for the maneuver. My kick landed perfectly on target betwixt the Gryphon's legs. Her eyes bulged and her beak fell open with a shrill sound of agony. She dropped the mace, which had been held directly over her head. The heavy ball of metal fell directly on top of her skull with a loud thunk. Two of Stormlight's cohorts each seized one of her arms and held her as she crumpled backwards.
I scrambled to my feet as Stormlight shouted and cursed, rolling about on the floor in pain.
"Skin him alive!" Stormlight shouted, her voice booming off the walls of the dungeon. Her compatriots were blocking any escape route and I didn't imagine outrunning them would be an easy task. With a lump in my throat, I took a step backward as they approached. But then my foot sunk into the floor. The tile I stepped on had depressed with an audible click.
There was a deep rumbling sound from behind us that grew in intensity until it felt like an earthquake. Chunks of stone and dust were dislodged from the ceiling as the wall sunk to reveal a steep upward slope. A thunk echoed as something very large was released from some hidden cache. A huge boulder appeared, tumbling down the ramp but it was immediately obvious that it was no ordinary boulder.
Instead, the giant ball that sped toward us was composed entirely of snakes of all sizes, colors and species. They filled the dungeon with a cacohphony of ravenous hissing. The wriggling mass must have been approaching the size of a house I guessed.
"Jesus slaphouse Christ!" I shouted.
A line of carriages thundered through Ponyville, a dozen in all, upsetting the normally quiet and peaceful saturday morning. Screwball perched herself atop the lead carriage, mouth wide as she played the part of a siren though it was more akin to an air raid alarm.
On the scene, a cordon had already been set up around the dungeon. Guards patrolled the woods while Pegasi orbited the area. The carriages screeched to a halt in the field, disgorging groups of armor clad guards.
A guard captain, a russet-coated Unicorn, stood near a command tent that had been set up. Her voice amplified with magic, she shouted in the direction of the dungeon.
"Alright, come out with your hooves up! We've got the place surrounded!"
"What's the situation?" Twilight asked as she and Spike approached the captain.
"WE'VE GOT THEM-" Twilight's mane was blown back as the captain answered with a still-amplified voice.
The captain's horn ceased glowing and she cleared her throat, voice no longer amplified, "My apologies, Princess. I meant to say we've got them cornered but we've had no contact yet. I'd say they are planning on going down fighting."
The words were scarcely out of the captain's mouth when there came a commotion from the dungeon entrance. Four Gryphons flew out into the daylight and found at least two dozen crossbows pointed in their direction.
"Oh thank Celestia, the guard!" one of the Gryphons squawked, throwing herself at the hooves of the nearest guardspony.
"Please. Take me to jail, I did it! Just get me out of here!"
"No! It was me, I was the mastermind all along! Take ME!" Another of the Gryphons pleaded to the bewildered guards.
Stormlight crossed her arms silently and hung her head with a look of disgust as she and her fellows were quickly clapped in irons.
A human lumbered out of the entrance shouting for the Ponies to clear the area. Noone reacted until a few seconds later when shouts rang out and guards went running and flying off in all directions. The dungeon's entrance seemed to explode in a geyser of stone, dirt and wriggling snakes.
"A-Adam? What are-?" Twilight followed him as he ran across the field, vaulting fallen logs and boulders while waving his arms madly. But she then saw the abomination of snakes speeding toward her. Lowering her horn, she did the only thing that came to mind in the moment and sent a powerful beam of destructive energy into the mass. The force of the beam blew the nearby tent away and overturned a couple of carriages in its wake. The explosion cracked like thunder and could be heard for miles around.
Fluttershy sipped her tea as she sat at the kitchen table of her cottage, enjoying the pleasant warmth of the sun streaming in through the window behind her.
thud
thud thud...wham!
Fluttershy turned to the strange sound of something falling outside.
"Oh. It's just raining snakes that are on fire" She said calmly to herself.
She took another sip of tea and slowly slid down off the chair and onto the floor. She walked over to the refridgerator, opened it and climbed inside. She shut the door. A refrigerator would be an okay place to live, she decided. Things at least made sense in the refridgerator.
"This is all my fault" Twilight said as she paced back and forth back in the library. I watched her from the couch, bandages around my injured arm.
"I wish you'd stop saying that" I said, "I'm fine-"
She ceased her pacing and looked at me, "No. I didn't make sure you were settled in well enough. It's unacceptable."
"That's not your job" I told her, "I can work just fine, I just wasn't so lucky looking for jobs up in Canterlot. I tried warehouses, the mines, even the guard. They just looked at me like I was crazy. What else could I do, strip?!"
Twilight shot me a very serious look, "I promise you won't have to do that. I won't let that happen."
"I was kinda joking.."
"Come stay with me. We can find you a more appropriate job down here."
I scratched my chin thinking the offer over. It would eliminate a leg of the train ride I normally had to take when off to conduct business.
"I don't know, I'd feel like a big ole mooch" I said slowly.
"It's no trouble" Twilight assured, "I can clean up the basement and you can take my room-"
I grimaced, holding up my hands. "No, no. Stop, zip it and flip it. If I'm going to stay here then I'll take the basement. I was born in one after all."
"If you're sure," She said, a hopeful and damn adorable smile blooming on her face. "So you will stay with me?"
I nodded. "And I hate to start making requests off the bat but can we just tone down this overprotective stuff a bit? I really don't need a lot of catering to."
She nodded, "Okay. I'll clean a space out for you right away, then we can send a carriage for your stuff-"
I motioned to the backpack on the opposite end of the couch, "Already got my stuff."
"That's everything?" She asked, taking the pack up in her magic. I stood and grabbed one of the straps to keep her from running off.
"You're already doing it. Zzztop it. You haven't listened to a thing I've said have you?"
I noticed another of Twilight's friends watching us from a doorway. Rarity stood with a tight grin on her face.
"Sorry, Spike let me in. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" She asked Twilight with a teasing twinge to her voice.
Twilight dropped my bag, a slight blush on her cheeks, "Er, n-no not at all."
Twilight and Rarity sat in the library's kitchen, two cups of steaming tea between them as they watched the human outside. He worked on an old bookshelf that had been dredged up from the basement. Spike was assisting in the operation.
"Adam is rather feminine, isn't he?" Rarity remarked.
Twilight nodded her agreement. She watched the human scratch the beard that had sprouted on his chin in the week since he had moved in. He maneuvered another board into position, spare nails held in his teeth.
"Yes. But I'm just glad he's not out there dinking around in those old dungeons."
Outside, Spike shouted when a spider crawled out from some hidden recess of the bookshelf. Adam immediately moved to deal with it, hammer held in hand.
wham!
"Stay still you eight-legged freak!" He shouted.
"Well you certainly charmed him quickly" Rarity said, "Don't let Rainbow Dash get to you. He seems perfectly nice."
Twilight knew she was referencing Dash's assertions to anypony who would listen that she had seduced the lone human in the land. As she put it, he "Craved the V"
"That's not what this is" Twilight replied, annoyed. "We're just roommates. I'm keeping him away from having to steal old artifacts and associate with criminals. That's it. Stallions and mares don't have to be..you know, physical all the time."
wham!
"I didn't mean to insult you" Rarity said.
"I'm just helping him." Twilight repeated, sipping her tea.
"Spike!" Adam called, "I need a cremation over here- wait, don't hit the varnish! Oh god! Ah shit!"
He ran across the yard in the other direction holding a flaming can at arm's length.
"I suppose the dear needs it." Rarity said.
Life in Ponyville was peaceful enough and I found myself falling into the alluring harmony of a routine. Twilight had me watch the counter during business hours performing all the expected duties of a librarian- mostly keeping track of the books that our sparse customers came to check out. It was better than nothing but still felt a little too close to busywork for my taste. I attempted to balance it out by being on point with any miscellaneous chores or home improvement that needed doing.
Before I knew it, a couple weeks had passed and the arrival of another quiet friday found me posted up in my designated station at the counter. This was what I hated about routines- it seemed to put time into overdrive.
10:00 AM
I groaned inwardly as the first customer of the day trotted through the doorway. Reluctantly, I cleared away the napkins and other remnants from the bagel and iced coffee that bookhorse had dutifully provided.
I had already gained a fan of sorts among the patrons of the library. Peach Fuzz was her name and awkwardly staring at me over top of books that she pretended to read was her game. Unicorn type, tall among the ponies she was, with an unkempt reddish mane and a light pink coat that fit her name perfectly in texture.
I had mitigated the staring a bit by putting the money earned from the dagger of venom to use. I had ordered a nice new long-sleeved shirt from Rarity. The woolen garment was a pleasant deep blue and after snipping off the lacey bits it fit my strict utilitarian tastes perfectly. As a side benefit, it made my chest and arms less visible to prying pony eyes.
Peach Fuzz gave me a hearty good morning which I returned with a considerable amount of summoned enthusiasm. She seemed to be unaware of the volume of her voice more often than not.
I pretended to study the book ledger intensely while Peach Fuzz went to browse a shelf that she selected at random. Today, however, she dispensed with the half hour or so of aimless browsing and went straight for the approach after only a couple minutes.
With the grace of a rusty shopping cart she rolled up to me with an unblinking smiling face, bumping into a rack of paperbacks and nearly overturning it.
"Sorry" She calmed the swaying rack with her potato magic.
"It's fine" I put on my best public relations face, "How can I help y..." I trailed off as I caught sight of something.
Dangling from Peach Fuzz's mouth was what I could only identify as the string to a tea bag. The paper tab swayed in the air below her jaw.
"Hey you uh...I think you have something caught in your teeth" I pointed out, gesturing to a corner of my own mouth.
Her green eyes widened. "Oh yeah."
I watched as she withdrew from her mouth exactly what I suspected- a tea bag.
"I chew on these 'cause my dad won't let me have soda. I make my own tea as I go" She explained, beaming at me like she had just revealed the secrets of the universe.
"Ahh I see. Well that's a thing," I replied with feigned interest, "What can I help you with today?"
A solid two minutes of silent fidgeting was the response. I was feeling an eye twitch coming on.
"Umm. So, um. y-y-you're really pretty do you have a marefriend." Peach Fuzz choked out at last, phrased like a statement rather than question. It took me by surprise but she could not see the look of shock since she was occupied staring at the floor. I felt a pang of sympathy for her.
fuck sympathy and lie your pants off My brain shouted.
"I actually do at the moment. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," She was still addressing the floor, "If she's ever mean to you come tell me and I'll smash her with katana pattern alpha-gamma!"
"I will certainly do that." I promised.
With a bellowing shout akin to a donkey braying, she absconded from the library swinging the tea bag around like a flail.
11:30 AM
Applejack swung in to check out a single book- "Citrus Fruit: Elimination and Prevention"
1:50 PM
I flipped through a glossy magazine- "True Baker Stories" featuring headline articles such as "Bake to Thrill" and "Eight Ponies, Seven Muffins- a harrowing tale" I was alone in the library, accompanied only by the constant ticking of the wall clock.
The door whined as it swung open and a familiar blue Pegasus hovered inside, a book tucked under an arm.
"Heyyy" Dash greeted.
"Good afternoon" I returned while she flopped the book on the counter.
"Daring Do and the Primal Caverns" I repeated the title as I marked it as returned in the ledger. The cover depicted the titular character in some deep cavern, swinging a torch to ward off what looked like crystalline scorpion type creatures. A stallion with long, flowing golden hair clutched her leg in fright.
"Heh. Are these books any good?" I asked.
"I like 'em" Dash said. She hovered up to eye-level, resting her forehooves on the counter. "You want to know what my favorite part was?"
"What's that?"
She leaned forward, "The part where the sexy librarian kisses the awesome pegasus."
I smiled and gave a laugh. "Hmm...mediocre"
"Ouch, dude. I made that up on the spot, c'mon." Dash leaned further forward and our mouths met. There was a brief but furious battle of the tongues and then she separated.
"Doing anything tonight?" She asked.
"Nah. Want to meet at the usual?"
She nodded, "See you there."
3:45 PM
Alone again with my thoughts, I found my fingers tapping the object in my pocket rhythmically. The compass. I kept it close out of habit but it felt like ages since I had touched it. My hand slithered into the pocket and I noticed not for the first time, how flawlessly smooth and round it was. It had to be a perfect shape, I just knew. No memories came to me at the moment but I had faith in the thing. The magic within it had to be perfect as well, to be worthy of inhabiting such a geometric wonder.
"Adam?"
I nearly jumped at Twilight's voice and found her suddenly standing next to the counter staring at me, a stack of books floating in her magic.
"Oh, hey boss" I smiled at her.
She chuckled, "You were really zoned out there. I don't blame you on days like this. Anyway, it's a quarter past four. You're off."
A quick look at the clock confirmed as much. That was actually pretty weird. I knew a half hour hadn't passed, it shouldn't have been even five minutes. I cleared the counter off and stowed the ledger in the appropriate cabinet in somewhat of a daze but the promise of the weekend swept the strange occurrence out of my mind.
A few hours after night swept over the land, I sat in the Ponyville park. I'd never be caught dead in a park at night back on earth but with the threat of rabid hobos removed from the equation, it was relaxing. The blanket of shadows was nice and cozy, a courteous shroud of anonymity to do kinky things without scrutiny.
Rainbow Dash sat atop me as we continued the oral wrestling match from earlier. She ran her hooves up underneath my shirt and her hooves kneaded my chest while I massaged her backside, each hand full of warm flank.
The moonlight mushroom made an appearance, sprouting angrily from my open zipper and pressing against dash's soft lower stomach. She lifted herself up and I aligned the docking as she lowered herself on me. The cool of the night air gave way to tight moist warmth.
"Ready?" She whispered in the darkness. I gave her buttocks a sharp slap and my fingers pressed into the mounds of flesh in response. She wrapped her legs around my torso anchoring herself as she began to thrust.
I grunted at the jackhammer-like assault. Dash increased her pace, intimate parts clutching at my own harder and faster.
"ooof!" I let the sound escape as she drove her knees into my sides, making it clear there were no brakes on this ride. I broke our kiss and panted for a few seconds before she placed a hoof on my cheek and turned my head back towards her and another smooch.
I shifted my hands to her hips when the yogurt catapult became ready to fire. She arched her back and raised her face to the sky. I darted one hand to her throat and held a firm, non-strangulating grip. Her eyes opened in surprise.
"Y-yeah!" She cried. And in one final thrust, I came within Rainbow Dash. Some out there across the multiverse would call me a subhuman degenerate. Others would applaud me for accomplishing a dream. I cared not a whit for either as I emptied into her in spurts of ecstasy. She gave a contented sigh, the iron grip around my torso slackening.
Dash slumped forward and planted a few kisses down my neck as we caught our breath. "Sweet....no-thing!" I whispered in her ear and she softly laughed.
"You're a goof" She told me.
I don't know how long we sat connected in the dark when something caught my eye.
Across the grassy soccer field in front of us, a street lamp illuminated a wash of the park, the far side obscured by the black silhouette of a tree line. Something stepped into the light.
"Hey Dash?" I asked.
"Yeah, babe?" She asked dreamily, raising her head.
"There aren't supposed to be timberwolves here, right?"
"Of course not. No way-" And then she turned around.
"We should probably go" I said as something stepped forward, glowing yellow eyes blazing.
The creature might have been a timberwolf at one point in time, but something had gone horribly wrong. A lump formed in my throat.
The timberwolf looked to be in an advanced state of decay. Black pond scum sloshed out of the cracked fungus-ridden woody body, the herald of its presence a pungent rotten stench. A cluster of slimy seaweed hung from the maw. The beast was definitely after Dash and I, loping across the grass. It probably would have been much faster were it not for the fractured foreleg that creaked with each step.
We quickly dismounted the bench and I found Dash latched on to my back. I shouted as the ground fell away. Below us, the timberwolf bellowed a gurgling roar spewing black slime and maggot-infested wooden chunks. It reared up, the jaws snatching shut a dozen feet beneath my dangling feet.
After freaking out and thrashing in the air for a few moments, I gripped Dash's rear legs- probably the controls for the Pony jetpack I had suddenly acquired.
"Wait, wait, where are we going?" I asked Dash. She pulled to a stop and glanced downward where the two glowing eyes watched us.
"We probably need to find Twilight or let the guard know. I'll drop you on a roof or something."
A guttural sound called from below as the thing roared but the noise quickly deteriorated into a series of plops as more of the pond scum was vomited forth.
"Nope. Look, it's following us" I said as the big shape below circled around. The two lantern-like eyes seemed to blaze brightly and dim as if it were blinking.
"The buck is it doing? Is it after one of us?" Dash made a circle and adjusted her vice-like leg grip on me.
"I don't know," I said, "But we have to keep it away from town. That thing is sick or something- it'll kill somebody. You think you can make it out to the woods with me onboard?"
"Tch, Of course!" Dash contended, "What am I, a cream puff?"
With that, we were rocketing off toward the Everfree, the monster loping along below us not paying particular care to what it bowled over. A park bench was crushed beneath it, followed by a street lamp being toppled. We slipped from the last buttery pool of light from the park and into the night beyond.
Stormlight lifted the crossbow from the floor and weighed it in her talons. She stepped around the overturned table and the unconscious guard discarded against the wall like a sack of potatoes. She plucked the ring of keys off the armored Pony and twirled them around on her talon, smirking.
A sound came from the hallway beyond the open door behind her. She dove behind the table and pointed her weapon at the shadows. A bulbous pair of mismatched eyes watched from the darkness- one green and the other blue.
Stormlight's beak fell open and she lowered her weapon with a huff.
"Nice disguise you got there Kilik. You fit right in." Stormlight said as she stepped out from behind the table.
The Changeling emerged into the room.
"I am defective. Just like your memory apparently." Kilik's voice was soft and artificially calm. Whether in a library or hurricane, the Changeling always spoke in the same tone.
"So what are you doing here? I know you didn't come to bust me out."
"Well, I was utterly shocked when I heard the great Stormlight herself had been captured. I couldn't resist the curiosity and had to stick my nose in to see what happened. It must have been a truly epic battle."
Stormlight shook her head, "Not quite. We got jumped by the guard near Ponyville just outside an old dungeon. We had that freak alien Human guy cornered but he decided to be a pain in the neck. I'm going to repay him soon enough, mark me." She flexed a talon as if going through the motions of strangling someone.
"Ahh yes. That male treasure hunter that has everypony talking? I've heard he's quite talented."
"He's quite lucky, that's all." Stormlight said defensively as she strapped the crossbow across her back.
"As it happens, I have some business to conduct with him. We should approach this together. You can do the honors once he's no longer required of course."
Stormlight punched one talon against the other, "Let's do it. Next meal I have is going to be roasted monkey!"
The gurgling, creaking monstrosity followed Rainbow Dash and I, crashing through the dark underbrush of the Everfree as we hugged the canopy. I couldn't be sure how long we had been going but Ponyville had become a distant blob of yellow afterglow across the dark sweep of shadowed woodland.
My hands found a branch to latch onto as we alighted near the top of an aged oak tree.
"Hear anything?" Dash whispered.
Nothing stood out against the buzz of insects.
"I don't think so. Think it got tired of us?" I whispered to her.
I didn't hear what Dash's response was. The feeling of deja-vu came unexpectedly and I practically clawed the compass out of my pocket. The memory transferal was thankfully instantaneous. My eyes could not penetrate the night but the memory was almost as good.
Over there...
"Hey. Fly me down near that hill over there." I told Dash, rising to stand balanced on the branch.
"We're a little far out to be walking don't ya think?" She replied.
"Just wait and see...Jumping!"
An alcove was dug into the hillside just far enough to expose the underlying stone. Rough natural rock turned to smooth brick that shone in the moonlight. The portal itself was tall and ovoid, a solid slab of rock carved in the likeness and shape of a draconian eyeball. The pupil glowed with a flickering amber light from torches behind it.
"Nice place you got here," Dash said after we landed and she unlatched herself from me.
"Thanks. Don't mind the spiders," I said, parsing the memory download provided by the compass.
latch mechanism in the pupil
I reached into the space and found a metallic plate in the stone. Hoof shaped as it was, it still yielded when I put pressure on it. We stepped back as the ring of stone rotated and the door parted with a deep rumbling grind. We squinted at the comparatively bright light of the interior that spilled out into the dark forest.
"Wait. Why are we going down here again?"
"There's an exit on the other side. I figure we can be more sure of losing ol' woody if we come out somewhere else. "
"Can't I just fly you back to town?"
"I'd rather take my chances down here. Besides, there might be a nice weapon I can use if that thing does come back."
Dash huffed as she marched around to stand in front of me, "Now wait a minute. You don't think I can keep you safe?! You know I can take that thing! I just didn't want you getting in the way!"
I raised an eyebrow, "Getting in the way? Hey, I don't want you getting hurt either. No offense but that thing looks like it could eat you whole."
"And I guess you could do better? You can't fight!"
I held up my fists, "Want to repeat that to lefty and the five gringos? Why couldn't I fight?"
"You're a stallion- your cock would probably get in the way and you'd fall down," She made an exaggerated rotating gesture with her hind end.
"Now listen here, horse..."
Dash shot up into the air and hooked a hoof around my neck. I was hastily tugged into the corridor as I detected something big crashing through the forest behind us. The Timberwolf's massive head crashed into the entrance of the dungeon a split second after us.
We scrambled backwards as the hideous aroma washed over us. The beast twisted its head, the jaws full of slimy plants and jagged wooden spikes snapping shut ravenously. It twisted itself this way and that with no apparent regard for the damage it was doing to itself, as if trying to free its head from the shoulders holding it back. Its thrashing must have been more than the old bricks of the entrance could withstand. The entrance collapsed onto the creature in a shower of heavy stone chunks and dust, more than enough to crush the half-rotten wood that made up the creature's body.
The timberwolf lay still in the aftermath. A stone brick had made entrance into the creature's skull and from the spiderweb of cracks around it, an oily black substance leaked out in a steady stream. The black trickle forged a river of ink through the dust layer and pooled on the bricks in front of the scene.
"That 'aint right" I said, snapping my fingers and pointing to the pool of coagulated goop. It resembled oil closely enough to make me wonder. I took one of the torches off the wall and dipped it close to the liquid.
The substance actually seemed to react, bubbling frantically and sweeping its mass backwards. It began to leak down through the bricks and I got a sudden bad feeling. It gave me definite 'The Thing' vibes the way it moved. It didn't take long for the mass to drain away between the bricks.
"What is that stuff?" Dash asked, watching the odd puddle.
"Not sure," I looked up to the wreckage of the former timberwolf, "I think it was responsible for this thing being able to walk around."
"How does that work?"
I backed away and turned from the rubble, "I don't know. But we should get moving."
With the torch in hand, I turned away from the scene and started into the dungeon beyond.
Furniture of brass and polished wood shined by the torchlight as we ventured through the dungeon's depths, Dash stirring the stale air as she hovered right beside me.
At the top of a stone staircase, I pushed open an old brass-braced wooden door and it issued a deep groan. Dash brushed past me and into the room beyond. It was filled with evenly-spaced pillars and at the top of each was carved four draconian eyes facing the cardinal directions.
Dash tugged at the pair of huge solid metal doors on the far side of the room.
"It's locked" She reported as if the sound of her efforts hadn't already told me.
I pointed to the pillars. "It's probably one of those puzzle ordeals."
On closer inspection, each pillar had a tile that when pressed would rotate the top part of the structure with the carved eyes around bit by bit.
"See that? We probably have to align the eyes a certain way."
Dash had hovered up to look over my shoulder. She reached over me and began to rapidly press the tile.
"C'mon you stupid thing! Work!" She urged it.
Dust fell from the roof as the pillar revved up. I pushed her gently away from the pillar before she broke the thing, "Too intense, Dash, too intense! We need finesse here, not RPMs!"
"Okay, I'll chill. Show me how it's done mister dungeon expert" She said sarcastically, adding a smack to my rear when I went to work on the pillars.
Horses. Ugh.
After some experimentation and an appropriate amount of cursing later, I had figured out the proper alignment and matched up the eyeballs with runes depicted on the pillars. Simple enough that any Zelda player would probably scoff.
The big brass doors creaked outward through no visible mechanism, clanging when they bumped into the stone walls. A wave of heat belched out from beyond. The room ahead consisted of a gigantic pit of bubbling magma. Metallic dragon heads were situated in the walls on either side of the space and a single stone bridge lacking any banisters or other safety measures spanned the gap of hot, wavy air.
I spotted scorch marks on the walls directly opposite to each of the dragon head statues and grabbed Dash by a rear hoof, figuring I'd preempt any attempt on her part to go barging in. I leaned forward and waved an outstretched hand in front of the first of the dragon heads. Sure enough, a glowing ball of flame formed in its open mouth and shot across the air, almost too quickly for me to withdraw my hand from the line of fire. The flame slammed into the opposite wall and dispersed.
Dash luckily spared me from having to run across a narrow bridge above a lava pit, flying well above the traps.
We landed on the other side of the bridge without incident but Dash immediately spotted something.
"Hey, check it out."
She pointed out an alcove set into a wall, where an old wooden chest sat. I had nothing to store any treasure in but figured it was worth a look. My pockets I had already stuffed with some gold coins I had found piled on a shelf earlier.
The chest was unlocked and gave a high pitched creak as I hefted the lid open. I extracted from the chest a strange object. It was what looked like a silvery metallic ring with a lacy semi-transparent sock of fabric attached. Dash watched as I lifted it up and stretched the fabric a few times.
I shrugged and tossed it back into the chest, "Meh. Junk."
Dash laughed at me, "What? You really don't know what it is? That's a nice set of armor."
I frowned, "If we found another one, I'd have a pair of weird socks. I don't think it's armor."
"It's stallion armor. You could at least try it on." Dash said.
I bent and picked the 'armor' up, shoving it onto my fist and gave Dash a stern look for a few seconds before tossing it back and closing the chest.