Maud Does Stand-Up
The moon and stars hung over Canterlot, as young mares and stallions entered the ‘Comedy Playhouse’. It was a small establishment that resided at the lower end of the city. Inside, it was dimly lit, with about twenty circular tables in the centre of the large room, with three stools for each table. There was also an open bar in the far corner where the bar tender stood, cleaning glasses.
As the room began to slowly fill up, one of the tables, right at the front, was already occupied by a bright pink pony with a dark pink mane that looked like candy floss, and a light blue unicorn wearing a purple cape that was covered with stars of silver and gold.
“This really is not the type of establishment Trixie would often find herself in.” snorted Trixie, as she removed her wizard’s hat and placed it on the table in front of her.
“Aww, come on, Trixie!” said Pinkie Pie, “Maud has been working on this for months and she’ll want us to support her, this is gonna be so much fun!”
Just then, the lights died down, leaving only the spotlight on the stage, illuminating the microphone in the middle in front of the brick wall backdrop. A purple stallion walked onto the stage, wearing a white turtleneck jumper and stood in front of the microphone, “Good evening mares and gentlecolts!” many of the audience began to applaud, “Welcome to the Comedy Playhouse, and have we got a great line up of acts for you tonight. We have, returning to our little venue where his career began six years ago, Custard Cream, with a selection of new material for his next touring show of Equestria, ‘Baked!’. We have Miss Razzle Dazzle, with her rendition of that old-time classic, ‘Your Crystalized Eyes’ by Neigh Coward, but first, I would like to introduce you to a pony that will ‘Rock’ your world! Her jokes and retorts will make you crack like the rocks she smashes back home, you will crumble at her hooves and you’ll…”
“Get on with it!” Trixie shouted.
The Stallion cleared his throat loudly, “Yes, well, anyways, let’s have a round of applause to the Mare of Monotone Merriment, Maud Diatomite Pie!”
The audience applauded loudly as the stallion walked off the stage, and a grey mare with a straight purple mane and wearing an even darker grey frock and black belt took his place in front of the microphone.
“There she is! There she is!” Pinkie Pie hissed at Trixie.
“Yes, Trixie can see that!” Trixie hissed back.
Maud stood before the audience, not moving or barely blinking. “Hi.” she said into the microphone, with an expressionless tone to her voice. Some of the audience members chuckled awkwardly; that was Maud’s cue to carry on, “Me and my sisters were home-schooled, so our father hired a private tutor. He had not forelegs, hindlegs, or even a body. We called him ‘The Head’.
The chuckles began again, a bit louder this time, however the loudest obviously came from Pinkie Pie who was clutching her sides. Maud looked unfazed by the reaction and carried on. “My grandfather is at that age, where he can’t do the things he used to do anymore, like calling Changelings ‘Changs’. The audiences laughed again, however a few ponies did flinch at the slight racism as they laughed. “We do live in an uncaring society.” continued Maud, “I was with a friend in the park, and I saw an old stallion sitting on a bench. I asked my friend, ‘How long do you think he’s been dead for?’ I have been studying family history and I want to trace my father. Does anypony have a good marker pen?”
The laughter rolled on as Maud continued her run of jokes, in the same monotone voice and the bored expression on her face. Pinkie Pie was hammering the table with her hoof and crying from laughing. Trixie gave a few chuckles as well, but not as much as Pinkie. One pony had actually snorted his vodka and lime out through his nose from laughing so much. He wasn’t laughing so much after that.
“Apparently, we have a new Lord joining Princess Celestia’s council.” said Maud, reaching the fifteen minute mark of her routine, “His name is E. Lordie. Now everypony calls him Lord E. Lordie. Last week, I went to the doctor’s and ask if he had anything for wind. He gave me a kite. Speaking of doctors, I have also been saving bits for a sex change. Whatever my marefriend says, she’s having it.”
Trixie almost choked on her drink as the crowd around her laughed. She looked up at Maud, anger filling up inside her. Maud looked down at her. “Thank you.” she said to the audience and walked off the stage. The stallion who had opened the night came back onto the stage, “Well, wasn’t she a delight?” he asked the audience, “Let’s have a big cheer to Maud Diatomite Pie!”
When the evening came to an end and all the ponies began to mull out of the Comedy Playhouse, Pinkie and Trixie waited outside for Maud to come from backstage. Trixie was still looking cross at the joke Maud had made earlier, but Pinkie hadn’t even noticed. Eventually, Maud slowly walked out from behind the building towards them. “That was so amazing!!” Pinkie shrieked as she pulled Maud into a tight hug, “I haven’t laughed so much in my…”
“How dare you insult Trixie in that way?!” Trixie cried out, dragging Pinkie away from Maud and squaring up to her.
“Did you like the show?” Maud asked, in her usual monotone voice.
“Don’t change the subject!” said Trixie, “What gives you the right to say such things about Trixie? Is that what you really want? Would you want me to have some… revolting male appendage, or would you rather have some stallion, who could pleasure you in such a way that Trixie couldn’t?
Maud stared blankly at Trixie, before saying, “So, you didn’t like it?”
“What am I, speaking in code?” Trixie rambled, angrily, “Of course Trixie enjoyed it! She can’t remember the last time she had ever experienced such a display of comedic quips and timing, and your style was so original, it put the other acts to shame! It’s just that last joke…”
Trixie was cut off suddenly, as Maud brought her muzzle towards her, and gave her a kiss. When she pulled back, Trixie just stood there, blushing. “It was a joke.” said Maud, before she, Pinkie and Trixie began walking slowly down the street, “Don’t take it so personally.”