DRUGS.TXT
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The birds had just awoken and were merrily tweeting their morning songs to the world and scouring the ground for a breakfast worm. On this hot summer daybreak, the sun was glaring and washing the town with a bright light which made the thatched houses shine as the ponies that lived in them opened their windows to breathe the refreshing, clean air.
Over the local library, the delicious smell of toasting bread slowly drifted out the window for anypony who walks by to let their nostrils feast upon. Inside, Spike is preparing his own breakfast, as Twilight Sparkle has not yet woken up.
He reached into the oven to pull out the grill that he was cooking some bread under, but accidentally touched the red-hot metal that radiated its heat to the bread.
"OH FUCK! AH SHIT!" Spike yelled, quickly pulling out his hand and waving it in the air to try and shake off the burning pain.
He sucked his burned hand and used his other to display his middle finger to the grill as a sign of appreciation for his pain. He then turned off the grill and pulled out the bread.
Now, anypony walking outside would smell something else as Spike put his topping of choice over his toast. At this moment, Lyra and Bon Bon walked past and stopped to try and identify an awful smell that invaded their nose.
"The fuck is that?" Bon Bon sneered.
"Smells like warm piss," Lyra commented.
"Oh Celestia...the smell's getting to me," Bon Bon said sickly and promptly released vomit all over Lyra's face.
Back inside, Spike had prepared a sandwich of his topping between the two pieces of toast, but before he could take his first bite, Twilight entered the kitchen.
“Spike, what the fuck is that smell?” she asked angrily.
“Oh…Twilight. It’s nothing! Just…um…”
“Is that weed?” Twilight shouted, glaring at the purple dragon.
“Aw c’mon Twilight! It’s not much!”
“I told you to stop with it, Spike! Hey, wait, what the hell? You’re going to EAT it? Give me that sandwich right now,” Twilight commanded.
“But Twilight!”
“NOW!”
Spike sighed and handed his delicious looking weed toasted sandwich to Twilight, who levitated it using her magic.
“You know you shouldn’t be doing fucking drugs,” she snorted.
She threw the sandwich out of an open window, and then listened to a voice just outside of it.
"Oh, Celestia! What is it, Lyra? I thin-BLLAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHH!"
"Ha! What a bitch!" Spike wheezed.
Twilight still was not amused and ordered Spike to go to his room to sort himself out.
***
Spike was sorting himself out alright. He slowly sucked on a bong and exhaled a large cloud of smoke, ignoring the loud and angry knocks on the door.
"SPIKE! UNLOCK THIS FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!" Twilight yelled from behind it.
Spike ignored her and continued to inhale drugs, then she resorted to brute force and smashed the door open with her hard horn.
"Good thing I always carry this centrefold of Trixie wherever I go!" Twilight squeed and returned a large piece of paper to her mane.
Spike dropped his bong and cowered inside his bed.
"Spike, you've really got to stop with the drugs," sighed Twilight.
"You got any graham crackers? I need a fucking graham cracker," Spike replied desperately.
"Spike, I'm taking your drugs way from you. All of them," Twilight said sternly.
"Don't do that, you bitch!"
Twilight snatched Spike's bong from the floor with magic before he could grab it, then levitated him against the bedpost and then concentrated harder. Her horn slowly began to point upwards as chains appeared from nowhere and wrapped around Spike and the bedpost.
"The fuck is this?" he cried.
"A bondage spell. I'm going round the whole house to get all your drugs and get rid of them and you're not going to stop me."
"You're one kinky bitch," Spike remarked, looking at the chains pressing against his chest.
***
By later that evening, Twilight had eliminated all the drugs in the whole library and decided to go and meet her friends in Ponyville, completely forgetting about Spike and the bedpost. She, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity all met at Sweet Apple Acres and were sat on a field, listening to Twilight complain about Spike's addiction.
"He's always doing those fucking drugs," she sighed.
"Yeah, the cunt can't go three minutes without a joint or a bong," Rainbow Dash chuckled.
"You just need to give him time to get used to not being with them, darling," Rarity explained, "when I have to kill a Mexican kid's family and they complain I just lock him in a cellar for a day until he dies or stops whining."
"I remember my daddy used to do drugs all the time," Pinkie sighed.
"How was that?" Twilight asked.
"He raped me furiously until I bled uncontrollably every night."
Everypony stared at her blankly.
"Oh fuck, that reminds me! I left Spike wrapped up to his bed with my bondage spell!" Twilight suddenly remembered.
"What in tarnation were y'all doin' to him?" Applejack asked disgustedly.
"Nothing. I needed him trapped."
"Fer yer sexual roleplayin'?"
"No! I was taking his drugs away from him!"
Fluttershy gasped deeply, then painfully grabbed Twilight by the cheeks and squeezed her face. Rainbow Dash's wings sprung open quickly at the sight of this.
"Hey, hey, hey! You should know never to take something from a dragon!" she croaked.
"What?" Twilight muttered, barely able to move her mouth.
There was a loud crash from afar and the sound of screaming echoed from Ponyville.
"Aw shit." Rainbow Dash said, her wings folding back up.
***
The ponies galloped into the town, only to see ponies running or lying dead on the floor. Buildings were destroyed or ablaze with green flames.
"This place is fucked up, yo." Rainbow Dash commented.
"Who could have done this?" Pinkie asked.
A shadow loomed over the six ponies and they looked up to see a giant purple dragon holding the mayor in his claws. He ate her, the belched fire at another building and set it alight.
"Spike...?" Twilight whimpered,
Spike roared loudly, "DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!"
"What'd I tell y'all? You shouldn't have taken his drugs from him!" Fluttershy said.
"I didn't know! I...we have to fix this! Quick! Let's get the Elements of Harmony!"
Spike looked down and laughed, then held five necklaces and a crown in his claw.
"Oh my." Rarity gasped.
He ate them.
"We needed those, you cunt!" Rainbow Dash shouted angrily, shaking her hoof at Spike.
"Fluttershy! Whadda we do?" Applejack cried.
"We gotta give him his drugs back," she explained.
"But I destroyed them!" Twilight cried.
Everypony looked at each other awkwardly, then Twilight stared at them all with her eyes narrowed.
"Alright, so who's got drugs?" she sighed.
All five of them raised their hooves slowly.
"Alright, we'll get them one by one. Rainbow Dash?"
"My hair is fucking drugs, Twilight. Why do you think I'm always high, you crazy cunt?" she laughed.
"I honestly just thought that was your personality," Twilight replied.
"Nah, I'm up 24/7."
Twilight ripped out a lock of Rainbow Dash's hair using her magic.
"Fluttershy?"
"I've got some in my shed, but y'all gotta stay outta there, got it?"
"Whatever. Go to your fucking shed and come back here with your drugs."
Fluttershy galloped away quickly, then Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie and she spoke instantly.
"I don't wanna show you guys," she cried.
"Why not? In case you didn't notice, there's a giant fucking dragon killing everypony and destroying the fucking town!" Twilight shouted.
Pinkie Pie's eyes watered up and she reached towards her rear and pulled out a large bag of weed which reach 'Daddy Pie' on it. The others stared at her in disgust, then Applejack spoke up.
"I don't think y'all know this, but all the apple trees at Sweet Apple Acres are crossbred with weed, so naturally, them apples are fulla the stuff." she said, then galloped off to get a ton of apples.
Only Rarity was left to fess up. She took Twilight, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash to her sweatshop, where the children quickly began to pick up the pace in their work. Rarity led them to a basement where there was only a door. She opened it to reveal some workers with joints and behind them crates upon crates of drugs.
"I think we may be overdoing it," Twilight commented, helping carry some crates outside.
Rainbow Dash looked up and her mouth dropped open. Now Spike was about the height of the Empire State Building and his foot had crushed half the town.
Fluttershy and Applejack were already there. Fluttershy had several sacks full of drugs and Applejack had three carts full of apples. Twilight broke the crates and cart with her magic and rearranged the wood to make a giant catapult and loaded all of the drugs and apples into a giant ball.
"Now we just need to set them alight," she said.
Spike just happened to belch in that direction and set the entire ball of drugs on fire. Fumes and smoke poured out like crazy and filled the air.
"And now...we gotta...launch..." Twilight fell over from the power of the fumes.
The other ponies became dizzy and also fell unconscious, then Spike turned around and saw the drug ball. He ran forward towards it with joy, squashing and killing the unconscious ponies under his feet and began to suck on the flaming ball. As he sucked on it, he and the drugs shrank and shrank. Eventually, Spike was at his normal size and the ball was a simple spliff. He finished it off and looked around.
All of Ponyville was destroyed. Dead pony bodies lay everywhere, including Spike's six friends who were a bloody mess (no pun intended). What was left of many buildings were on fire.
"Oops," said Spike.