"P" is for... "Pain?"
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a colt will at some point prior to the close of his third decade of life pursue a course of action in the name of lust that ultimately proves either personally humiliating or spectacularly ill-advised. Sometimes, it's even both.
As a point of reference, one might be tempted to assume that this is a story about the antics of a certain white-coated, blonde maned prince at the first Grand Galloping Gala since the return of Princess Luna. Such an assumption would be reasonable, as the excerable Prince Blueblood had indeed beclowned himself quite thoroughly and quite publicly at the event in question. And it had indeed been a matter of lust that resulted in his social pratfall.
However, this is not about the arrogant twit of a prince, for among his many flaws, Blueblood is a narcissistic stallion-child, and thus his lust is focused solely on himself.
No, dear readers. Our story begins instead with a humble piano player named Azure Dreams – named for his cobalt blue coat and teal mane and tail. Hailing from Neigh Orleans, he has spent the last few years living in an equally humble town named Ponyville. He has just spent the evening at Pinkie Pie's latest party – thrown in honor of the defeat of Tirek, and held at Princess Twilight Sparkle's new residence. It is here, as he is waking up in an unfamiliar location, that our story begins.
Pain. There is no other word for what I'm feeling right now. Thousands of metaphorical needles are impaling themselves in my brain, and my horn feels like it's on fire. What the buck happened to me last night? Well, at least I'm conscious, after a fashion. Might as well open my eyes and face the-
OW! Celestia, you dam-bucking troll! Why did you have to make the sun so bright today? Don't you know I'm feeling rather delicate right now? Okay, calm down, Azure Dreams. You've been hungover many times before. At least, I think I'm hungover.
Anyway, let's take this one step at a time. Step One: open my eyes very slowly. Okay, the sunlight still hurts, but at least now it's managable, and I can see. At least, I'll be able to see once I focus a bit... There!
Step Two: get to my hooves. Holy Tartarus! It seems that I'm a bit tied up at the moment, as it were. Well, as much as it would hurt to use my magic to untie myself, I'd better... Wait. What're these photographs doing on the nightstand?
There's four of them, and the images seem vaguely familiar somehow... Yes, there's me doing my usual thing with a beer bong... And here's me swapping spit with that mint-green unicorn with the lyre cutie mark. If these were taken last night, then I'm definitely hungover. Funny, she's rather cute, but it seems like she looked hotter under the beer goggles.
These last two are harder to place, at least at first. I recognize the location: it's the same bedroom in which I'm currently moored like Prince Blueblood's blimp. The rest of the contents, however, shock me to my core. One, naturally, is me in my current state, while the other, well... I'd rather not say. It's too embarrassing. The Cake twins would be rather familiar with that particular pose, though.
Crud, what did I get myself into last night? I guess the first step in finding out is to untie these ropes...
Note to self: don't indulge in another pony's bondage fantasies while drunk. The hangover makes it a pain to untie yourself later.
At any rate, it seems that I'm alone for the moment. I guess it couldn't hurt to look around, right? Hmm, interesting. There's a picture of an Earth pony filly with her parents on the living room mantle. The filly seems awfully familiar. I've seen that blue-and-pink mane and cream coat somewhere before... Dear Celestia, is this Bon-Bon's house? Buck! I need to get out of here FAST!
There's the front door! I just need to open it, and I'm home free! Oh, no. The door's opening and it's not because of my magic!
Oh, horseapples...
The peaceful early-morning hustle and bustle of Ponyville was rudely interrupted as a crashing noise shot through the air with enough force to rattle the windows. As ponies turned to investigate the source of the noise, they saw a pale blue unicorn stallion hurtling into low orbit, a scream of ultimate suffering accompanying his passing.
The tableau held for a few moments longer before the residents of Ponyville returned to their daily routines without much more than a collective shrug of bemusement. It was a regular enough occurrance that most had become at least somewhat inured to it. After all, the noise had come from Bon Bon's home, and those who had seen the outcome would recognize the now-starbound miserable wretch as Azure Dreams – a stallion with whom Bon Bon had what could charitably be called a "love-hate relationship." In reality, astute observers of the pair would recognize a belligerant sexual tension between the two that was so thick one could cut it with a knife.
With this in mind, it would hardly surprise one to learn that if they gave the matter any thought, those witness to the incident would wish that the two would get a room in some dingy Manehatten hotel and rut each other's brains out. And had the more cynical among them heard such sentiments expressed out loud, they would reply that if the two had any brains to be sexually lobotomized, they would have done so already.
Meanwhile, a small faction (led by the town's resident princess, Twilight Sparkle) was seriously considering petitioning Princess Mi Amore Cadenza for direct intervention in the affair, if for no other reason than to finally give the residents some peace and quiet. As quiet as a weirdness magnet like Ponyville can get, at any rate.
But none of this mattered in the slightest to Azure Dreams. Beginning his fiery descent upon the completion of his forty-second global circuit, there were only two things on his mind. The first was finding the mint-green Tartarus-spawn that put him in this painful position and giving her a piece of his mind.
The second: contemplating how much this landing was going to bucking hurt.