The Stupidity Begins
You're walking down the street when music begins playing from seemingly nowhere. The tune really makes you want to smile for some reason, but you resist the urge. Pinkie trots down the street going the opposite direction than you and waves at you while bouncing to the beat. You wave back and she continues past you. Pinkie is such a great mare.
...
Absolutely nothing like the mare you're going to see.
You approach a small blue house with tons of trash scattered around the front yard. This is the home of your best friend Berry Punch. She's an alright mare, but the only problem is...
You open the door and she immediately lunges at you, yelling in your face, "Oh sweetums, you're home! There's a viscous looking rabbit in the corner who keeps asking for my bits!"
She's kinda become borderline insane.
After some legalities with the near communist friendship leader Princess Celestia, you've been given the task of taking care of her during her recovery. It's not like it was your fault she fell out of that tree you told her to climb. Anyway, now by law you have to come over to watch her so she doesn't hang herself with a jump rope or something. Sad thing is, that almost happened once. Left her alone in the park once for a few seconds while she played jump rope to go piss behind a tree. Came back out to see her hanging from a branch ten feet in the air and flailing her limbs.
Berry yells, drawing your mind back to the present. "Kill it!"
You look inside the house and see a dead raccoon.
“Oh gross...”
You take a closer look and notice something is a bit off about it. When you walk closer and lean in a bit, you see that carved into its back is what appears to be a shopping list.
“Oh my god... Berry, did you buy eggs and cheese at the market today?”
She puts a hoof on her chin and scrunches her face for a few seconds. "Um... Yeah I did. Why?"
You pick up the raccoon by the tail and show her.
Her face lights up with excitement. "My shopping list! Thanks for finding it, honey!"
She grabs it by the mouth and brings it back over to the spot you picked it up from. She immediately looks confused.
"Now... Where did I put that list?"
She begins looking around in circles right next to her body. As she does this, you look behind her and see twelve cartons of eggs and three huge rotten wheels of cheese. Her eyes wander back to the corner.
"AHHHH, ANON KILL IT!"
You punch the dead raccoon and shake your head.
“There you go! Dead as it already was! Now let's get you out of here.”
She smiles and turns toward the door. "Oh great! I needed to go to the market for something anyways."
You scoop her up into your arms and leave the house, slamming the door behind you. Twilight is walking past after you exit Berry's house. She smiles once seeing the two of you, coming closer for greetings.
“Hello Anon, Berry. How are you both?”
Berry screams. "Hello Twilight! Nice day it is!"
Both Twilight and you wince at the loudness in her voice.
“Don't you think it's a nice day?!”
She continues to yell even though you're both right next to her, "Can't you hear me?!"
Berry cups her hooves to her mouth, making what she is saying even louder than it already was.
"I SAID NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING!"
Twilight yells back at her, "Okay, Berry! Okay!"
Berry's ears go flat and she gives Twilight a confused look as she responds, "I don't see why you have to be so loud, Twilight. That hurts my ears."
Twilight, unable to deal with anymore of Berry's shit, decides the best course of action in this scenario would be to just walk away. And so she did. You glare down at Berry.
“Why do you always do this shit?”
Berry doesn't even acknowledge your existence, she simply stares forward. You follow her vision to Sugar Cube Corner.
You ask, “Are you hungry?”
She nods and speaks while still keeping her eyes locked on the building, “Potato salad.”
“God damn it Berry.”
You walk into Sugar Cube Corner while still holding Berry in your arms. The first thing there is the long line to order, so you stay put. As you're standing in line, minding your own business, some bitch in front of you lets a few of her friends that come in stand next to her. The mark on her ass tells you that it's Daisy.
Alright Anon. All you have to do is tell her that she's done something wrong in a way that doesn't make you seem like a dick.
“Hey Daisy, that's not cool. We were waiting here behind you.”
Daisy, being the kind and understanding lass she is, replies with, "How about you just mind your own business? Besides, I don't see you with anypony else."
You lift Berry a few inches up to show Daisy that her existence is not a part of your imagination.
She only gets angry and snaps back at you, "Like I said, I don't see anypony else with you. So you better step off me."
“Now wait just-”
Berry cuts you off with an angry tone, "That's not very nice, flower mare."
Okay, so the insane chick wants to take the wheel here.
Daisy smirks. “And just what are you going to do about it?”
Berry casually opens her mouth and projectile vomit shoots out, splashing against the three of them. They run out screaming and the rest of the ponies in line look back. Berry wipes her mouth slowly. All of the ponies in line move aside, allowing you access to the front.
Well shit. Maybe you should let the insane one take control of more situations.
You walk up to the counter and ding the little bell. Pinkie suddenly pops her head up from behind the counter, smiling like crazy.
"Hey Berrymous! How are you?"
“That's neither of our names, good, and I would like three donuts.”
Berry hiccups, "Make that a goose and we've got ten pickles."
You lightly shake your head and Pinkie zooms away from the counter.
Berry suddenly makes a strange noise and you look down at her. Her face is extremely strained as she closes her eyes. The pigment on her face becomes a few shades darker and you turn her around in your arms to see her better.
“Berry, what are you doing?”
She opens one eye and looks up at you. “Don't breathe. We're in space.”
“We're not in space, Berry.”
She shouts very loudly, “WE'RE NOT?!”
Everyone in the room looks over at you. Pinkie comes back and notices everyone staring. She then copies them, bulging her eyes out to comical proportions and breaking the laws of physics. You groan and snap your fingers in front of her super extended eyes, making them pop back into her head. She shakes her head like a wet dog and then pulls up a bag.
“Well, here's everything you ordered, Anon Punch!"
“Stop that.”
“Stop what, Annyberry?”
“Stop combining our names right now or I'm going to hit you in the face.”
"Whatever you say, Bernonomy! Whatever you say."
You grab the bag and turn around, groaning to yourself. Berry reaches into the bag after you exit the shop and gasps. You look down and see she holds a lifeless goose in her hooves. There's already a bite mark out of it and blood on the corners of her mouth.
"This donut tastes funny Anon."
“Oh for the love of fuck, I thought Pinkie didn't hear you...”
You snatch it away from her and throw it into a trash bin as you pass it, then grab a real donut from the bag and hand it to her.
She beams up at you. "Thank you beautiful."
“Shut up Berry.”
"I love you too."
She digs into her meal as you continue walking, just hoping something else to do pops in your mind. Suddenly, the world turns ninety degrees and the back of your head is greeted by the not-so-soft ground. Berry, having pushed you there, is now sitting on your chest happily eating the donut.
She swallows the entirety of the donut and looks at you. "Sorry, I had an itch. Hey Anon, how does it feel when I do this?"
With a swift and unexpected movement, she slides off your pants and wraps her lips around your dick.
“Holy shit Berry what are you doing?!”
You push her off you and glare at her.
“What the fuck is your problem today, Berry?!”
She stares up at you with tears streaming down her face.
"Do... Do you love me?"
Okay. Due to her current mental capacity, it's very unlikely that she will remember what you're about to say next. If you lie and say yes, she probably won't scream and flail her limbs like an asshat. But if you say no, that's exactly what is going to happen.
“Yes.”
She smiles happily and looks over toward the park nearby. "Can we go to the playground again?"
Thank goodness.
“Sure.”
You rise to your feet, pull up your pants, and pick her up with the bag of donuts. Peering into the bag, you see that the last donut had been smashed when you were dropped like a twig by Berry. You throw it in the trashcan by the park and set Berry down.
“Berry, the sun is going to set soon. After this, we're going home.”
She nods and then rushes over to the swings where other fillies and colts play. She jumps up on a swing and then flails her legs trying to push herself. After only a few minutes of the awkward limb spasms, she has successfully scared off the entirety of the children there before.
“Anon! Pushy pushy!”
You walk over to her and cross your arms.
“That's not how you ask.”
She pulls out a monocle and top hat from seemingly nowhere and puts both of them on.
“Excuse me dear sir, could you help a fine lass such as myself get some velocity on this swing?”
You stand there completely dumbfounded at her actual understanding of language.
Wait! If she's talking like that, that means she can handle herself! Now you won't have to watch her anymore!
The monocle and top hat fall off and she gives you a goofy smile.
“Ten or seventeen tacos, please!”
Never mind...
You grab hold of the chains on the swing and pull back a little bit. Berry giggles in anticipation of being released at such a high place. Once you've got her up to as high as it would be safe to swing, you let her go. She grips the swing as if she's going to die, but her face shows nothing of the sort. She's completely happy, laughing and giggling as she comes back to you. You decide to give her a push when she comes back down and her laughter gets incredibly loud as she swings away from you.
“Anon, look at me! No hooves!”
She puts her hooves up as she reaches the peak of the swing forward.
“Berry, no!”
Velocity does its job, putting Berry high up in the air in front of the swing.
“Oh shit!”
You quickly run over in front of her and put your hands out to try catching her.
She smacks head first against the slide six feet away from you. This is why you don't play sports.
You rush over to her motionless body and check her pulse and breathing pattern. Thankfully, she's only unconscious and has minimal forehead damage despite falling so far.
You scoop her up into your arms and look around the park. Good, no witnesses. That could have been ugly. You begin to walk her back to your house. Like hell you're going to let her sleep in that roach infested hellhole she calls home. As you walk out of the park, a familiar tan pony with a swirly blue and pink mane spots you. Bon Bon trots over, looking a little worried as she sees Berry with a bruise on her head.
"Hey Anon, what happened to Berry?"
“Oh, she just tired herself out at the park. You know how life is for her now.”
“Oh, alright. I thought something really bad had happened.”
You raise an eyebrow a little at her.
“Like what?”
She looks at Berry and then up at you.
“Well, it's kinda suspicious that you're carrying her unconscious body from the park which has absolutely nopony to witness anything.”
Berry turns in your arms.
“Bollocks to the rules, Dr. Princess Celery. Flowering tarantulas are the only way to live...”
She then goes limp and starts snoring. Both you and Bon Bon smile a little at her childlike behavior. Bon Bon then puts a hoof on your leg and trots past you.
“I've got to get going now, take care you two!”
“See ya!”
Why did she say you two? It's not like Berry can hear her.
“You too Bonny!”
You jump in sheer terror for the split second that Berry's voice hits your ears.
“Holy shit, when did you wake up?”
You look down at her and see that she's fast asleep, even snoring.
“Okay then...”
The walk to your house is a long and quiet one, occasionally interrupted by the assault on the Emperor Pickle or Poneroy Jenkins screeching before entering battle. Berry sure has some strange dreams. You enter your house and close the door behind you. Heading into your room, you set her on the bed in a curled up position. You then get into it on the other side and face away from her.
“Goodnight Anon...”
You turn to her.
“Night Ber-”
She's sprawled out on her back with her mouth hanging open and drool running down the side of her face. Her ear flicks and her snout scrunches up a little bit as she yawns.
Life with her wouldn't be too bad if she was always like this. So cute...
Her leg suddenly twitches and a barrage of farts explodes out of her posterior. You grab the pillow and throw your face into it to avoid dying in the noxious gas.
Fucking Berry.