Depression and Suicide
Depression is a beast that lurks on all souls. It can attack any living thing at any time. Unlike a pony or beast it does not attack your body, nor is it obvious when it strikes. It attacks your mind. wearing it down piece by piece, removing all instances of happiness and showing only the pain thats left behind. Removing all hope.
Some ponies claim or mistake sadness for depression. Begging and pleading for help and attention, to draw them away from whatever rut they be in at that moment in time. I deny this. True depression is silent. That is both the greatest and worst part of depression. It’s never seen & never heard. Never spoken of & never cried. A truly depressed individual would be the happiest pony you know. Always willing to help without thought of themselves. Always willing to console and truly wise in matters of sadness, kindness & in matters of the hart. You probably know a few like this yourself. A true mark of the depressed is if they talk about themselves. The depressed don’t want to be seen or heard for who they are, what they are. Though they may not always be alone in reality. No matter the amount of friends and family around them, in their own mind they are alone. A freak.
How would I know this you might ask? Well I have seen depression at its core. A soul I hold close, & know from the tail to the top of his head.
This is the true story of one Ruby O’Hare.
Ruby O’Hare is your average earth pony stallion. Works Hard on his friendships, tries his hardest to get a job and support his family. He is kind, gentle, loving, compassionate & all round loved and respected. Many of his friends find him an inspiration. Be it for his word or encouragement to being a shoulder to cry on. He is always there for others. On the surface he smiles and laughs, does his best to make others feel better when they are down. But all of this is a mask to hide his true self. Underneath it all he is cold, sad, lonely and angry. Though it never shows on the surface, to protect others from becoming down. To protect himself.
To Ruby, he isnt worth the time it would take to be picked up. For a long time he has thought about ending his own life and removing the burden that is him from the worl.
To truly tell his story i must take you back. Back to when the seeds of depression first laid themselves in his mind. Ruby was an average happy foal. Despite his parents no longer being together he still smiled every day. This was in part to his parents ensuring that they both played parts in his life. Allowing him to see and spend quality time with them both equally and fairly. As a foal he felt truly blessed he was never alone and always had fun. His father would often take him to the amusements, read to him when he slept and play lots of games with him. Ruby was always amazed how his father did it all and worked too. Even the times when his father couldn't be at home with him, Ruby would get to go to his father's work, he would play and have fun blissfully unaware of the strain it may put on his father. But his father would never complain he would just smile, laugh; he was truly one in a million.
Rubys happiness lasted all through till his last year of primary school. One day early morning during the first class. Ruby was called to the office. This was a source of great confusion for the foal as he never misbehaved. The entire walk was silent and dread filled. The poor foal thought he was in trouble. If only he knew what was to come. If he had seen the signs for what they were then he would have ran the opposite way to avoid the pain that followed.
Upon arriving at the office he spotted the saddened faces of the office mares, even noticing one burst into tears upon seeing him. Though this confused him he didn’t question, nor did he have time. The headmaster came to Ruby and told him he was going home today, reassuring the foal he wasn’t in trouble but never telling him why he was to go home. Escorted past the saddened faces of teachers and office mares by the headmaster. The young ruby watched still confused as to why. What was so sad, and why was he going home? Meeting his silent and cold faced mother did not reassure the foal at all. Though he did not know what was happening he knew it was not good at this point. His mother was always a beacon of happiness, always reassuring him when he was down. The journey home was a long and silent one, and to the foal it felt worse still because now at the pit of his stomach he knew something was bad. He could see it in his mothers eyes.
Once home Rubys mother sat him down on the sofa, kneeling to his level and telling him the worst news. His father was dead. He had died in his sleep and wasn't coming to pick him up today. The poor foal didn't even cry. He just froze still. For the longest time he sat, no words, no tears. Nothing. Watching as his mother cried. Trying to grasp the concept of death that no foal should ever have to see. Finally once his mother went away to her room to cry. Ruby headed to his own room. Once there he sat on his bed expressionless & tearless. He played his favourite game to remove himself from the world. A world he couldn't deal with. he played and played until there was nothing left for him to do. It was once he was forced to think on this tragedy that he finally cried. Yelling all sorts of things into the sky. begging and pleading for it to be untrue. Wishing that he had said he loved him once more, that he had held his father one last time. Blaming himself for his fathers death. Saying that if he had noticed he could have stopped it. It was all his fault.
For six whole weeks the foal didn’t go outside, didn't play or laugh. These weeks were reserved for sadness and most importantly his father funeral. Though this time is not something he remembers well. He remembers the final moments before his father's cremation clearly. Standing in the isle, crying silently to himself. Wishing he were invisible. Still praying he would wake up and it all be a nightmare. This was the first instance Ruby began to become distant and cold. Though many of his family tried to console him it was as if they weren't there at all. He brushed them off unwilling to accept the reality of the situation. He became withdrawn.
Eventually the time for him to return to school came. Ruby was informed that the students and his friends knew what had happened. And that another foal his age had been moved into his class because he too was going through the same thing. This made the foal happy. Knowing he wasn't alone. Upon arriving at school and meeting this foal however turned things quickly sour. This foal wanted nothing to do with Ruby. It turned out he was in the popular crowd and even now still played to the school stereotypes and could not be seen with an inferior foal like Ruby. The same situation played in class too. He found he sat alone while his so called friends consoled and gave kindness to this supposedly better foal. This was the first time Ruby felt hate. Hate not only for this foal. Hate not only to the school. Hate to everything and everyone around him. In his final months of school Rubys grades went from near perfect to the worse in class. He found he was often reprimanded for starting fights with teachers and when time came to play outside at break he always sat alone and read. He became the bullied foal. The freak.
These issues didn’t end at school, He and his mother stopped talking. He would often hide away in his room reading and never played out. Though his mother tried she could never break through the wall Ruby had created around his heart.
Upon entering High School. Ruby began to think that this was his time to change his fate. He would become popular and he would be the one who was happy. He wore a smile to every class, he was always happy always honest. But again this gained him no favour. His reputation of being the freak had traveled with him. And again began the days of pain and isolation. Not even half a year in Ruby snapped. He gave up on going to school altogether. At first he would fain illness, and when that excuse got old he became increasingly violent toward his mother. Yelling at her, saying the most horrible of things. Throwing all his bottled up anger at her each morning and locking himself away. Until a day came when she gave up too.
Many of Rubys schools teachers and even some of his town councillors tried to help him, one for a time even managed to get through to him. This counselor reminded Ruby of his father and though that at first he like this and responded well. When the time came he was deemed to be stable and better, the counselor went away. Just like his father did. Ruby again felt a piece of him snap. But this time played it smart. He kept the smile at home though he didn't talk he smiled and was polite. He gave a false and convincing performance of happiness at home. Began walking himself to school and to registration. But once he was marked in for the day he would just leave. Go to places a foal his age should never turn. He met foals that were delinquents and tuent like him and they began to smoke and drink and do anything they could get their hooves on to avoid feeling anything. This was Ruby’s routine for about three months before he was brought up on his absence at school. And once again he began to hide shout and lock himself away. Doing whatever he could to avoid going to school. Come time for his second year he was completely absent.
His mother had him enrolled into a special school for troubled foals. It was a close knit school starting at midday and ending only two hours after. Having only a class of ten for the entire year. This school's main focus was to work on a foals behavior and reintegrate them into mainstream school. So ruby became used to not making friends there as they would often only be around for a month or less at a time. The same was supposed to happen for Ruby but the thought of school repulsed Ruby and he never returned. Staying in this school of short days and loneliness school till the end. One of the only friends he knew who also stayed had a terminal illness which Ruby knew all too well and when the day came his friend did not return, Ruby didn’t question it. Or even cry. He had become cold.
By the time Ruby had started to take on more stallion like features and was done with school. Ruby had become a master of acting. The false smile and fake happiness he knew well and making friends became easy for the young stallion.
Upon entering college Ruby met new friends. Once he could show off to the public giving him the uttermost perfect cover of normality. But behind the scenes Ruby still met up with the dregs of society and was still taking all manor of drugs and drink to ease his life. Ruby did come to enjoy the company of the friends he made in college, he liked how the respected him and how they made him smile. Though he was still withdrawn some he felt being around them he could be perhaps happy on the inside too. Ruby began to quit the drugs, quit the drink; he began to opt for his friends company instead. In the beginning of college he felt confident and happy. Things were finally going his way he had friend he had a future. But fate for him is never so kind.
Around halfway into his college life he began to struggle, grads slipping and work piling up. College unlike school is a place where little help is given. It is expected of young stallions and mares to be able to research on their own putting what they learnt in their time at school to use. The fact the Snow knew extreme one on one handling to be his only form of education was now his downfall. He did everything he could to scrape through his college course short of cheating. And to his amazement he passed with the lowest grade in the class. Though he was happy he was a failure compared to his friends and more painfully, compared to his family.
This would be about the time i point out that throughout this story there were always two others. Two that shared Rubys pain and sorrow for a time. But due to circumstances dealt with it far better than Ruby ever could. These two being his elder Sister, and younger brother. His elder sister in school was popular and thus when the time came to return she did not feel the pain that Ruby felt. And for his brother being so young at the time, he couldn't really understand what had happened and by the time he came of age to he was already successful and happy.
His Sister in school and college was, though not a overachiever, a smart mare. When she left college she had high grades and a promising future. her ambition took her to faraway lands where she met the stallion of her dreams came home with him to start a family a home. Ruby hated this about her. Because he could never do what she did, and because no matter how much he hated her for it she was his sister. He had to be happy right? Though he took solace in the fact then when she did settle down she lead an average life, nothing of true achievement to him. At least at the time.
A similar tone was said for his Brother. His brother was incredibly smart and wasn't weighed down by the pain of loss like Ruby. Because of this he always achieved high and now during his time in college. He is so smart his college pay him to attend. Ruby found this to be the most insulting thing. Why did his brother get all the attention and gifts? Why did he get all the help and, why when his brother had a problem everyone went out of their way to help him? Ruby hated his brother. And yet again could only show happiness and support for the little prodigy.
Upon leaving college Ruby felt the pain and pressure of living up to his brother and sisters reputation. He didn’t want to fail in the eyes of his mother. Though he and her never spoke, and he can honestly say he doesn't know her at all. He still strives to make her approve of him. Like any foal would. It was now that he had to find a job and began his adult years that Ruby dropped to his lowest point.
The first thing that tipped the balance of Rubys mind towards truly depressed was his best friend. This friend was in a successful relationship and always seemed to Ruby to having no worries. Something that made Ruby very jealous. Because Ruby himself couldn't find anypony to love. Though he once glimpsed it midway through college this mare left him cold and heart broken. Removing all chances he had at opening his heart so easy to a mare again. Though Ruby did try again with a mare he called his friend. He had always admired her and she and him always got along. They were close and for a while, when his mother kicked Ruby out. He even lived with her family. Though they never once began a relationship. Finally ruby made it clear how he felt to her and she told him, she liked him too. But asked that he wait until she was ready to begin a relationship. It was that very same night he overheard her making love to another stallion that his heart became completely closed off.
Ruby began to question everything about himself. Was he not everything other stallions were? was it because he couldn't get a job? was this why his mother didnt love him too? Ruby played every scene in his head and always came to the same conclusion he was a failure. But he had not reached his lowest yet.
After a while he began to patch things up with his mother. To somewhat rebuild his broken life. Making every effort to stay positive and find new things to make him happy. One of these pursuits brought him in contact with a mare who knows him better than any. Though the two only talk in letters and do not know one another. This made for a perfect relationship. They picked each other up and always gave reassuring words. Before long he found he would spend every night writing letters to her, and she to him. She was the only one who could recognise his pain because she was the only one Ruby was ever honest with. And she never judged him.
The final days came when things became hard, too hard for the stallion. Rubys days had gone from bad to worse. His mother couldn't afford to keep supporting him and he was drifting away from his friends. And the only one who understood why was half a world away. A figure in Rubys mind that he could never hold close to numb the pain he felt.
One night Rubys mind began to snap and strain. Recognizing this, his far away friend told him to sleep. which in reply Ruby wrote.
“Maybe it would be better if i didn’t wake up at all.” To which ruby fell silent.
This unknown to his friend was because, Ruby had slipped into madness. Feeling that a blade to the hoof would be better than prolonging his pain. Pressing it again and again to his skin and almost smiling as he bled. knowing that all he would need is to press just that little bit harder and it would be over. That was then in has last moment that his mind turned to what ending his life would mean to his friends, to his family and most importantly to her. The one mare he cared about. Though Ruby doesn't know why. He felt like he had to check his mail.. just on the off chance that the one he cared about cared too. And low and behold. There they were two letters.
He read them both before deciding his final step.
“Listen Ruby, I know you are having a rough time of it right now and you’re probably really scared but please calm down.
Dont lie to yourself. You’re important to so many ponies, and i get that it seems impossible and it looks like there is no end. But the truth is that there are things and ponies and goals to live for, and one bad day isnt going to destroy you unless you let it.
Its not going to get better if you don't wake up. That would be the worst! I’m trying to help you the best i can but PLEASE dont hurt yourself or anything because its not worth it to hurt yourself because of one bad day. Sure its been going on for a while, but from what i can tell its getting better. So PLEASE, just calm down and talk about it before you do anything rash.
Hugs. Please”
“Please be okay I’m worried about you. Can you at least respond please?”
Though Ruby recognised that though his closest yet farest away friend was a little misguided in his feelings. He realised that she cared about. That he had, always had somepony special to him. And how large a fool he was for thinking that ending his life was best for all. She was worried about him and even if she was the only one to know just somewhat of what his pain was. She was still there. Always there. Ruby cried his night away. Calling a close acquaintance to come and help him, to mend him and keep his worst secret.
His final act before bed was to apologise to her. Telling her he was okay and that her letters truly saved him. How lucky he was to have her as a friend and that he never wanted to lose her. And even though she asked him not to tell her of what he had done, for fear of the thoughts it would plant in her head. She was happy because he was still in her life. And told him that she too did not want to end their contact.
Ruby is still to this day not completely okay. His mind still plagued by the same pains and thoughts as it always had. Aswell as the new weight of what he now had to keep secret from everyone for fear of being thought a freak or broken. When the truth is, his newfound lease on life is stronger than it has ever been. All because of one mares concern for him. Because she never gave up on him.
My lesson to you is to be that mare. That stallion. Recognise the pains before you too lose a friend or family member. And if you are like Ruby. Trapped and alone. To you i say this.
Things always will get better. You are not as alone as you believe and your life starts with you. You are stronger than you think. How? you may ask do i know this. Because the stallion in this story. Was me.
I am Ruby O’Hare. And that was the true tale of my life to this point.