***Chapter 1
Tik-Tik did not trust this place. He wrung his blue-scaled hands nervously as his head darted and bobbed in every direction, taking in the sights of the royal hall in which he waited. The ceiling was too high and the walls were covered in too many windows that shone in too many colours.
Tik-Tik shielded his eyes from the vibrant rays of light filtering in through the panes of stained glass and scratched the marble underfoot with filthy, pitted claws. He longed to feel the grit of a proper dirt floor underneath his toes. How did these big, stupid horse-things live like this? How could any of them keep proper watch for thieves, spies and assassins when they surrounded themselves with so much open space? How could any of them quickly burrow away from danger with so much hard stone covering the floors? Tik-Tik laughed at the horse-things' blind foolishness as he pictured a group of slavering wyverns crashing through the windows and swooping around underneath the high-vaulted ceilings, snatching up all these fancily dressed dolts as they desperately stamped at the hard floors with their useless hooves, trying to dig for cover.
Tik-Tik’s laughter died suddenly at the thought, instinct causing his slinking form to sink even lower as he snapped his gaze to the marble sky above. Seeing no danger, Tik-Tik barked out another sharp laugh, knowing that if such a thing were to happen, a Kobold of his wisdom and bravery would definitely survive longer than any of these dull-witted horse-things.
In fact, ever since his arrival, Tik-Tik had begun to doubt the wisdom of sending such a great and skilled sneak as himself for this mission. Infiltrating the horse-things' country had been pathetically easy. Tik-Tik thought back with a prideful sneer to his arrival at the creatures’ boarder fort. Tik-Tik still did not know how his great and powerful God-King learned of the existence of these horse-things or their plentiful lands, so far to the north and across the barren expanse of the Great Dry Sea. He had been given what little information was known about this prey-race of dull creatures before he set out, but nothing could have prepared him for how weak their defences truly were.
Even the small setback he had experienced when slinking around the outer walls of the fort while planning his infiltration had worked out in his favor. When that extremely lucky patrol of soldiers had accidentally happened upon him, they had been no match for Tik-Tik’s quick wits. The fools believed him when he had told them he was sent there in order to make friends with their people on behalf of the great Kobold God-King. Even then Tik-Tik had been surprised at their stupidity, as they wasted no time in preparing an escort for him to be brought directly to their capital city to meet their Horse-Queen. Of course, it shouldn't have been a surprise, considering the master level of Tik-Tik’s speaking ability. He stood a little straighter as he congratulated himself on the persuasion and tact he had displayed in that meeting. The only downside of the arrangement was that Tik-Tik had to make the journey to the capital accompanied by a trio of those dull-witted soldiers.
Tik-Tik took a moment from surveying the overly-decorated throne room to look back at his ‘escort’ who stood stoically a few paces behind. As far as Tik-Tik could tell, there were three kinds of these creatures, and his escort was comprised of one from each type.
The horse with feathers, a wing-horse he supposed, still made him nervous. Like all Kobolds, Tik-Tik was always weary of attack from the skies whenever he was away from the Home-Burrow. The wyverns and dragons who ruled the land above were always hungry and searching. Every time Tik-Tik had seen the wing-horse take to the skies he had to remind himself that these creatures were a prey-race who lived not on proper meat, but on the disgusting weeds which grew on the surface.
Then there were the smaller ones with a stupid looking spiraled bone growing out of the top of their face. In his short time with them, he had seen that these horny-horses could call upon dark powers and conjure a twisted and foul version of the holy magics he had once seen done by the Kobold shamans of the deep-dark tribe. Looking over to his horny-horse guard, Tik-Tik noted how it carried its decorated spear aloft with a fel sorcerous grip. Seeing the unblemished edge of the weapon shine in the accursed light of the throne room caused his scent-glands to clench in fear.
Tik-Tik looked away from the weapon and over to the last of his guards. While this type of horse was slightly taller and thicker than the others, it lacked the spiraled bone and the feathered wings of his peers. Nothing special about them; boring-horses Tik-Tik decided to call them.
All three of the guards were dressed in identical golden armour and carried an identical decorated spear, albeit each in their own fashion depending on their abilities. Tik-Tik looked them over again, noting the bright gleam which shone off the polished metal. The corners of his mouth pulled back and up, his scaled lips revealing his pointed teeth in the Kobold expression of aggression. These soldiers looked so shiny and fresh, like they have never before seen battle. That would soon change, Tik-Tik yipped a short chuckle before he remembered himself. He set his face back to neutral and checked his escort for a reaction. The guards continued to stare straight forward, despite his outburst. Stupid horse-things. This was sure to be the easiest mission of his life, Tik-Tik told himself.
Lost in thought, Tik-Tik didn’t notice the arrival of the small black-haired horny-horse until it spoke, addressing the gathering of milling creatures from the head of the room.
“All rise for her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia,” it announced loudly, bowing her head and backing up away from the throne.
Tik-Tik turned as the Horse-Queen entered the room from behind a heavy curtain to the trumpeting sound of brass instruments. The massive white beast walked gracefully over to her throne and took a seat, taking a moment to silently survey the room as the music died down. Tik-Tik yelped in fear at its sheer size, dropping down to the floor and touching his elongated snout to the stone in submission. He trembled there for a moment before realizing the others in attendence were not goveling correctly, or even at all. Despite his scent glands clenching and dripping fear-musk down his legs, Tik-Tik forced himself to rise back into a low crouch and look upon the giant once more.
Even while sitting it still rose several heads above the other horse-things he had met, and several more above he himself. The silence continued for a moment and Tik-Tik used the time attempting to arrest the panic which gripped his chest. Building his courage, he lifted his head and took closer stock of the White Queen in front of him. It was more than just her height that set it apart from its subjects; it seemed to be a combination of all the horse-things he had seen thus far. Its feathered wings were large and powerful, and they remained extended behind, further enhancing its great size. Atop its head, it bore the spiraled bone of the sorcerous horny-horses, though this one was easily three times the length of any other. But it was the beast’s hair which caused primal fear to take hold of Tik-Tik’s mind most of all. Long, and coloured in many soft shades, it flowed on a unnatural breeze of eldritch magic that only the creature seemed to feel. Tik-Tik was so unsettled at the sight that he nearly jumped out of his skin when the Queen turned its head from surveying the throne room full of guards and milling nobles down to meet his gaze.
“Ah, I see that our guest has arrived,” the Witch Queen said in a voice that magically carried through the entire throne room despite its softness.
Recognizing he was being addressed, Tik-Tik mustered his great reserve of bravery and was about to respond when the blacked-haired horse started yelling again, causing him to yelp and hop backward slightly at the sudden noise.
“Your Highness, if I may, I present to you the esteemed *ahem* delegate from beyond the San Palomino Desert, Sir Tik-Tik of the southern badlands,” it called loudly for all in attendance to hear.
Tik-Tik’s crest spines bristled at the insult. “Bad land? It is not a ‘bad’ land! It is the great subterranean kingdom of the glorious Kobold nation!” he snapped angrily, forgetting the giant White Witch for a moment as he glared at the black-haired horse, pulling his lips back in aggression.
The silence reigned and the loud creature seem taken aback for a moment. Tik-Tik pulled his lips back further, baring his needle-like teeth to make his point. All eyes turned to the Kobold and he saw the other horse-things in attendance begin to bear their own flat teeth in a similar fashion. Tik-Tik felt panic begin to replace his anger, fearing his outburst had enraged the dull creatures. Suddenly the horse-things in attendence began roaring loudly, causing Tik-Tik to slink backwards, fear-musk again dripping down his legs. It took a moment before he realized that the horse-things weren't calling for his head, but whooping with laughter.
Tik-Tik yipped with his own laughter as he rose back up to his full height. This was going even better than expected! He would be sure to include how easily his expert oration abilities had won the trust of the enemy in his report. Tik-Tik continued to revel in the praise the stupid horse-things rightly showered on him until, from the corner of his eye, he saw the grotesquely elongated leg of the White Witch rise, and almost immediately the rumbling sounds of levity were quelled.
“Greetings, Sir Tik-Tik,” it said, nodding its head toward him. “I am Princess Celestia, bringer of the sun and co-ruler of the Kingdom of Equestria. It is my great honour to meet with you, and greet you to our lands,” it said, standing and spreading a wing in a gesture to rolling landscape visible through the great windows lining the hall.
Tik-Tik’s spines twitched in fear for a moment as the white giant stood. Summoning his courage, he stepped forward and abased himself at the Witch's feet, determined to carry forward with his mission.
“Greetings, oh beautiful and terrible Queen of the Horse-Things. Tik-Tik is Tik-Tik, Technical Lieutenant Second Class of the Cobalt-Blue Tribe. Bomb-maker, sneak, digger, sapper, spy, and diplomat,” Tik-Tik said, mentally reminding himself to end his introduction with what the stupid horse-things should think was his current occupation. Tik-Tik paused for a moment and felt his chest swell with pride over his title, taking no small satisfaction from the knowledge that he had more skills than this false beast-queen had stated for itself.
“Tik-Tik has come on behalf of the Great and Glorious High Kobold God-King, Lord Burn-Stab, so that our people may come to know one another in friendship,” Tik-Tik said with all the due formality when referencing his king and living god.
He remained low as he waited for what he was sure would be an elated response to his generous offer, but all he heard were low mumblings filling the room. Looking up in confusion, he shrunk under the scrutinizing gaze of the beast-queen.
The black-haired horney-horse stepped forward once again to speak, though this time in a more unsteady voice. “I’m sorry Mr. Tik-Tik, but did you say your King’s name is … Lord Burn-Stab?”
Tik-Tik’s spines flattened in confusion for a moment. “Yes, the mighty Lord Burn-Stab who rules over all of the great Kobold Nation.”
The dark-haired horny-horse glanced back at its ruler for a moment before continuing.
“And you, Tik Tik, are a spy?”
Tik-Tik’s confusion deepened as he frowned at the dark-haired horse-thing. “Yes, Tik-Tik is master spy, sneak, bomb-maker, digger, sapper, and diplomat,” He said, stressing his current purpose. What was the matter with these stupid prey-creatures. Was their hearing as dull as their wits? Tik-Tik considered bearing his teeth once more as it seem to put these backward-thinkers at ease, but he suddenly became aware that the three guards of his escort had stepped forward and now closely encircled him on three sides. Best not to chance it, he decided, cowering lower on his haunches.
The loud-mouth horse seemed at a loss, shrugging its shoulders and looking to its Queen for guidance. Stilling the flustered horse-thing with a look of what Tik-Tik assumed was reprimand for stupidity, the White Witch turned back to him and spoke again in its infuriatingly calm and even voice. “I apologize for any confusion, Sir Tik-Tik. There are many questions we have about you and your people, just as I am sure you and your kind have many questions for us in turn.”
Tik-Tik nodded enthusiastically, glad to have the conversation back on track. “Yes, Great Kobold God-King wishes to know all about new horse-neighbors. Tik-Tik will bring back many stories about these rich horse-lands and its proud people. Tik-Tik wants to learn about all the fancy types of horses and what they can do. Tik-Tik wants to learn about all the pretty stones and metals that grow in your ground. Tik-Tik wants to learn about the strong and brave horse warriors, how they train and where they travel. The God-King has taken great interest, yes. Very important he know all about Kobold’s new horse-friends.”
The White Witch regarded him as he continued to grovel and abase himself at its feet. With an eyebrow raised in what Tik-Tik assumed was gratitude regarding his generous compliments, it gestured for him to rise from his crouch. “I’m sure our people have much that we could ... learn from one another,” it said coolly, sitting back down on its throne. “Guards, please escort our guest to the palace dungeon. I’m sure the accommodations down there will be to Sir Tik-Tik’s liking.”
Just as he expected, Tik-Tik thought with a prideful sneer. Easiest mission of his life.