Apparently Cthulhu is the biggest brony ever. And most of the ponies in Ponyville are cultists.
Wait, Cthulhu is a brony? We're talking aout the destruction god Cthulhu right, not some weirdly named dude, right? ...wow. So Cthulhu is taken to Equestria apparently and... Oh, just read the story. I have better things than to type up a long description of all this craziness. Just... read it.
I don't own MLP. I don't own the pic. The pic is filler until I find or make a better one. Think you got one that'll fit? Please tell me in the comments!
When people hear My Little Pony has a fandom, they think adolescent girls.
When they hear it’s online, they think of those stupid giggly teenage and pre-teen girls.
When they hear it’s made of guys, they think of gay guys.
They DEFINITELY don’t think of me.
You may have heard of me. I’m big, have a grotesque scaly body, have wings, and yes, I have tentacles. Ring any bells? How about the name Cthulhu? Ya, the ‘stupid thing from those silly sci-fi magazines back in the day.’ That’s me. No, I’m not here to devour your world or anything, those anger issues were back before I learned the magic of friendship. Not that many people ever even consider being my friend.
Ever tried looking like me? Every time I go out, people run away. Guess it’s scary to see a 100 foot tall tentacle monster wearing a specially ordered, custom tailored 783XL brony T shirt. Go figure. But you aren’t here to hear about all of my life problems, you’re here to hear my story.
I was sitting in the ruins of R’lyeh in front of my computer, being annoyed by the stupid cultist summoners again. “Stop it you idiots! This is the 348th time you’ve tried to summon me, and every time you somehow get it wrong! Besides, even if you did summon me, I’m no longer in the mood to crush everything and rule the universe, I have ponies to watch!” I said to myself.
I refreshed Equestria daily for the 20th time that minute, hoping for a new article – and there was one! But this one was weird, it talked about how Twilight had broken the fourth wall, and was willing to bring one Brony back with her. The first one to send their name in would win.
Of course, I entered my name as fast as possible, Equestria was definitely better then these stinking ruins. Do you know how slow my internet connection is down here? So anyway, I guess I was the first, because I heard the sound of teleportation behind me.
“Holy Celestia what the heck are you?” Twilight asked.
I turned around and said, “Oh, hi, I’m Cthulhu! God of destruction and biggest brony ever!”
“…What? Did my teleportation spell mess up and make me magically high again? Bronies are supposed to only have four limbs!” Twilight pointed out.
“Those are humans, bronies aren’t a human-exclusive group, though the demographics may indicate that at first glance-“ I was cut off.
“What ARE you?!?” she asked.
“I told you, I’m Cthulhu, god of destruction! And biggest brony ever.” I explained again.
“What, like, species are you? Are you something only found on Earth?” she asked again. So many questions!
“The god of destruction does not need a species! There is only one Cthulhu, and I live here in this… underground basement ruined city thing… alone…” I said.
“Oh, you poor thing! You must be lonely! Are you sure there’s only one of you? Because I might be able to summon another one or copy you-“ I cut her off.
“Well yes, I am lonely here, but you’re here to take me to Equestria, right? Maybe not everyone will run away from me there…” I droned off.
“Oh, right, Equestria. Let’s see… If I tweak the calculations a bit to adjust for the third dimesion, I can…” She mumbled off.
“What’s that? I can’t hear you-“ I was cut off by being transported.
Suddenly, I was standing in the middle of an orchard. I blacked out from the shock. Funny, wasn’t even sure I COULD black out before that. Why did I black out? Because it was quite shocking to stand IN an orchard, and not over it. You see, when she teleported me, Twilight had found a way to equate my size and not make me so… gigantic in Equestria. Being a giant one second and not the next is very shocking, I assure you. I awoke to cold water saturating my face tentacles.
“Wake up you, we’re here! As you can see, I altered your size a bit.” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, a bit of warning would’ve been nice.” I complained.
“Oh, yeah… sorry… Well, uh, as you can see this is AppleJack’s farm… you should know that, right?” Twilight asked.
“yeah, I know where you all live and all that. So, where is AppleJack-“ I was cut off by a yell. That seemed to be happening a lot lately.
“HOLY CELESTIA TWILIGHT HOW DID YOU SUMMON LORD CTHULHU AND WHY IS ‘E SO SMALL?!?” a yelling AppleJack asked as she came galloping up.
“What? Summon? Wait – you know who this is? How do you know who Cthulhu is?” Twilight asked.
“Wait. You didn’t summon him then? You aren’t in ah cult about him or anything then right?” AppleJack asked.
“No… Cult? What are you talking about AJ?” Twilight asked again.
“Ah most certainly don’t know about him and ah definitely ain’t in ah cult!” AJ lied. She really is a bad liar.
“I’m guessing you’re in one of my cults then. Just wondering, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY MESS UP MY SUMMONS EVERY SINGLE TIME?” I asked, facepalming. “Honestly, it’s really annoying.”
“Twilight, let mah ask ya again. What is the god of destruction doing here in Equestria? And why is he so small? Shouldn’t he be, like, a giant ‘r somethin’?” AJ asked.
“Oh, yeah, ignore my question. I mean, I’m only THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION you know.” I complained.
“Well, I finally broke through the fourth wall with Pinkie’s help, and I promised to bring back one of our fans – ‘bronies’ – but for some reason it wasn’t a human that signed up first, it was… him.” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, just continue ignoring me.”
“Yah brought the god ah destruction to Equestria? Well… why is he so small…” AJ asked.
“Still just sitting here…”
“I accounted for his size while teleporting back, and made a few adjustments to the spell. This way he won’t go around crushing things.” Twilight explained.
“…are you two done?” I asked.
“Yes.” Twilight said.
“Just wondering, why would a pony from the land of friendship be interested in summoning me?” I asked.
“Well, ah didn’t even really think ya were real. Ah-“ AppleJack was cut off by a thump, and a yell.
“OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH IS THAT CTHULHU AJ YOU FINALLY SUMMONED HIM WOW!” Rainbow Dash had apparently been sleeping in a nearby tree, and our talk had disturbed her. She saw me and fell out of the tree, then got up and dashed over.
“I still have some questions for AppleJack, Twilight, you seem happy enough with explaining all this stuff, can you explain everything to Rainbow Dash?” I asked.
“Sure.” Twilight said.
“You were saying?” I asked AppleJack.
“Well, so Ah didn’t think ya were real. Ah read this article by H.P. FriendCraft, and it seemed kinda funneh. A, uh, friend a mine suggested we look intah it. I’ve never taken it vereh seriously, but it kindah became a bondin’ activity between all of us.” AppleJack explained.
Well, the rest of this part is kinda boring. We just went around meeting everypony. When I met Pinkie, she claimed this called for a party. Rarity said it was fabulous they had finally succeeded. Even Fluttershy was very happy to see me.
Finnally, the sun was almost down, and Twilight decided it was time to go home.
“Come on Cthulhu, you can stay with me, at least for tonight. I did bring you here after all, so I guess I should accommodate you…” Twilight said, tired from trudging all over the town.
“Okay dokay loki.” I said.
“But what about a party for the dread lord?” Pinkie asked.
“You can throw your ‘dread lord party’ tomorrow Pinkie. It’s time for bed.” Twilight said.
“Twilight is of course right. I’m heading home now, and I suggest you do the same Pinkie.” Rarity observed.
“…but I just had all that sugar!” Pinkie complained.
“We know, ya’ been hoppin round us since! Go on home, you know you’ll probably crash as soon as ya do.” AppleJack said.
“Oh fine…” Pinkie said, hopping off.
Twilight and I trudged back to the library, discussing events as we did.
“I can’t believe they were all in a cult and I didn’t know about it!” Twilight complained.
“Well, being in a cult isn’t exactly something you go around telling everyone…” I explained.
“I know, but EVERY ONE of them was in it! What, did they think I couldn’t handle it or something?” She asked.
“Now I’m sure it wasn’t anything like that-“ I was interrupted, for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. A god of destruction can only take being interrupted so many times, you know.
“IS THAT CTHULHU?!?” A voice cried. We had taken back roads to avoid ponies seeing us, and we were at the library’s back door, so who could it be?
As Twilight opened the door, a purple dragon came running at me. Of course! Spike!
“Spike, you can’t be in that cult TOO!”Twilight exclaimed.
“Uh… cult? I’m not in a cult! Uh, why would I want to be in a cult?” Spike tried to lie, very badly.
“Oh, let him be Twilight. Cult’s aren’t as bad as their image makes them out to be.” I said.
“I just can’t believe all my friends are in it and don’t tell me! Who else in it? Maybe Mayor Mare is one of the leaders! Maybe Cranky is in it, even though I’ve been here longer! Who knows?” Twilight asked.
“Actually, I know, and you’re right on both counts.” Spike said.
“OH COME ON! Next you’ll be telling me owlicious is in it too!” Twilight said, very annoyed.
“Well, it’s more of an honorary title than anything but…” Spike droned off.
“Sorry for interrupting, but even though I am a god of destruction I still need to sleep…” I said.
“I have a room all set up over there.” She said, pointing to a room. “As for you, you’re coming with me.” She said, hauling Spike up the stairwell.
“Help me Cthulhu!” He pleaded as he was drug up the stairs.
He was crazy if he thought I was gonna touch that! I may be a god of destruction, but I’m not stupid! I went into the bedroom and settled in for the night. I had a big day ahead of me tomorrow!
Easter Short (Murder Has Never Been More Delicious)
A/N: this is the (late) Easter Special, and it takes place outside of the plotline (if it can be qualified as such). And yes, it's from a different perspective - third person, not first. Tell me if you like me writing in third person or first more. Enjoy!
"You know… originally a pagan celebration for the coming of spring, begging me to not kill them… Later turned into a celebration of some dude's death… I think he was a tyrant or something… But most importantly, the Easter Bunny comes around and leaves candy for all the children… and me, ever since that one year he thought I was too old and I nearly destroyed his candy factory. I was always so I annoyed I was too big to really enjoy the candy… I may have been a little overzealous a few times trying to get enough candy to taste it…" Cthulhu said, thinking back to the time he scared all those kids when he showed up at an Easter egg hunt, and stole all the eggs.
"…Aren't you just a little old to be stealing candy from foals?" Twilight asked.
"As Pinkie says, you can never be too old for free candy!" Cthulhu pointed out.
"…She insists she still hasn't outgrown Nightmare Night…" Twilight sighed. "Well, there's no Easter here so-"
"No Easter, eh? Well then I'll just have to MAKE an Easter!" Cthulhu said, getting up, and dashing out the door of the library. "See you later Twi!" He called back.
Twilight just groaned. "I really need my coffee…"
Cthulhu ran into Sugarcube, and up to Pinkie. "Hey Pinkie! Want some free candy?"
"So this Easter bunny brings you candy? You don't even have to go from house to house, you can just collect in your own house?" Pinkie asked, while they set up the ceremony to summon the Easter Bunny in the cult's headquarters, a cellar underneath Twilight's library. Seriously, how could she have missed that? Twilight Sparkle? More like Twilight Clueless.
"Basically." Cthulhu replied.
"Wow! That's even better then Nightmare Night! And we can get whole giant chocolate sculptures of him?" she asked again.
"Yup! And I'll finally be small enough to actually taste them!" Cthulhu replied. "Let's get this summoning on the road!" Cthulhu said, aligning all of the elements just right for the summoning.
It took him 23 tries to do it correctly. Finally the portal started to open. "That was harder then it had to be. No wonder you guys couldn't ever summon me right… My summons is a lot harder."
The Easter bunny hopped out of the portal, a giant bunny about Cthulhu's size. He walked up to Cthulhu and… kicked him in the groin. Fortunately Cthulhu didn't have such a vulnerable spot, but it sent him to the floor - a bunny's feet are powerful!
"I was almost done with that world, now I have an entire other world I have to serve candy to! I will, BUT NEITHER OF YOU ARE GETTING ANY!" he said, and hopped off.
Cthulhu got up and dusted himself off. "He's going to pay for that."
"YA! NOPONY CANDY-BLOCKS PINKIE PIE!" Pinkie Pie said.
Cthulhu just stared at Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, ya, and kicking you too."
Cthulhu waved his arms in the air angrily. "EASTER BUNNY!!!!"
The Easter bunny hopped off, towards Fluttershy's house.
"After him! Don't let him get away!" Cthulhu shouted to Pinkie.
"YOU'RE… GOING TO… GIVE ME CANDY!!!!" Pinkie screamed at the poor rabbit.
"Oh no! Pinkie! We're going towards Fluttershy's cottage! He has power over rabbits! He can enrage them into kicking everything's shins! We've got to stop him!" Cthulhu warned.
"It's ok! I have energy drink caches all over Ponyville for energy drink emergencies!" Pinkie told him, stopping by a bush and reaching in.
"Pinkie! This is no time for jokes! We need to catch him, before he can get to Fluttershy's! Imagine what her hundreds of bunnies would do to her shins!" Cthulhu told her, running on.
Pinkie gulped down the horrible tasting beverage, and started shaking up and down, very quickly. What happened next is indescribable with ordinary words. Try your best to imagine a giant pink bullet jumping a bunny, and you’ll be pretty close.
Cthulhu ran up to the wreckage of a tangled bunny and pink pony. Pinkie quickly pinned him down, and quickly blabbed an almost indecipherable string of sounds, the basic jist of which is that the bunny ought to give her candy immediately.
“Bu-but I just got here! I don’t have any candy!” The Easter bunny cried out.
Pinkie wasn’t satisfied with that. She then slapped him so hard with the back of her hoof that he fainted.
Interestingly, when the Easter bunny faints, he turns into a giant chocolate statue of himself.
“Pinkie! Wait! Don’t eat him! We can make him make us more candy!” Cthulhu reasoned.
“Forget that! I want immediate gratification!” Pinkie said, devouring the bunny’s chocolate head.
“PINKIE! You just murdered the Easter bunny!” Cthulhu said, yanking on his tentacle-hair.
“I know, and murder has never been more delicious!” Pinkie said, her mind evidently in crazier-then-regular-Pinkie-Pie-crazy mode because of the energy drink.
“Well… I guess nopony knows who it is… Save some for me!” Cthulhu said, kneeling down to eat some.
THE END!
A/N-did you guys like this storyline or the previous chapter’s one better? If you guys want I can make this a ‘Cthulhu VS’ story instead of… I dunno whatever that other one was. And yes, this chapter was a parody of the Hub’s show, Dan VS., which has been going downhill since the first episode…
The event of the century! A wedding to die for! Cthulhu Goes to the Royal Wedding three part crossover coming soon, and ending with… well, a wedding. But not the one any of you will be expecting… Stay tuned!
(Thoughts?)
Cthulhu goes to the royal wedding (Part 1: when plans go awry)
On the train, Cthulhu sat in the back of the car, bothered by the differences between the episode and actual Equestria. Everything so far had seemed the same, so why would this be any different?
"Ugh! Where are Pinkie and Rarity? The train's about to head out!" Twilight said.
"I don't think they're going to make it Twilight. Just send them a letter, they can take the next train." Cthulhu said.
"I suppose you're right. I've told you about your jobs right? AppleJack, you're cooking, Fluttershy has music, Cthulhu has security-" Twilight was cut off.
"Yes, you've told us all plenty of times now Twilight." Rainbow Dash said.
"Why am I on security, anyway?" Cthulhu asked. "Shouldn't Shining Armor be doing it?"
"Normally he would, but apparently he recently went missing..." Twilight said sorrowfully. "So, uh… sorry if I seem distracted."
All the ponies went over to cheer her up, but Cthulhu just couldn't. He had too much on his mind. Could the changelings be behind this? If it was so different, could it be an entirely different threat?
Something was up. The train pulled away from the station.
"What do you mean AppleJack is missing?" Cthulhu asked groggily, as he had been napping.
"She's gone! She went to go to the bathroom, and never came back! I just walked the entire length of the train to make sure, and she wasn't anywhere!" Twilight said.
"Twilight! Relax! She's probably just hiding to mess with you or something… Let me go back to sleep." Cthulhu said.
"She was just here a minute ago!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Why would everypony be disappearing?" Cthulhu asked.
"I don't know, but I know we need to do something about it - Rainbow Dash, fly to Canterlot and tell Princess Celestia what's going on!" Twilight said.
"Don't worry Twilight! I'll be right back!" Rainbow Dash said, jumping out of the window.
Cthulhu went over to the window, and looked out to Canterlot. "Twilight, isn't there supposed to be a bubble…?"
Cthulhu waited for a response, then turned around, knowing what to expect.
"So you're the… monster... I've heard so much about. Isn't it a little odd that all the ponies in your group have gone missing, and yet you remain?" she asked.
"Well, I… I honestly have no idea where they are…" Cthulhu tries to explain. Suddenly he has an idea. "I think they were kidnapped by the changelings!" he said, watching Cadance for a response.
"Changelings? What in Equestria is that?" she asked, not responding visually to the name.
"They're a group of pony-like creatures that are coming to feed off of Equestria's love! They could be anyone! Even… you." Cthulhu said, then began with a simple song. "Sunshine sunshine… ladybugs awake… clap your hooves, do a little shake?"
"How do you know that song? Did Twilight tell you it?" Cadance asked, mystified.
"It doesn't matter right now! We need to get a force field up, and I need to meet the groom, and make sure he isn't a changeling - I don't think they can change into humans, but we need to be sure! If their queen isn't disquised as you, she has to be around here somewhere! Get Luna and Celestia, and any other alicorns together immediately!" Cthulhu said, beginning to run off.
"Wait! There… may be a problem with that…" Cadance said.
"What do you mean?" Cthulhu asked, turning around.
"Both of them are missing too…"
"Exactly how many ponies have been reported missing so far again?" Cthulhu asked.
48 ponies missing. Could it possibly get worse? "Excuse me guard? Where is the groom's room? I can't seem to find it..." Cthulhu asked.
"Well of course you aren't going to find it in here! He's sleeping outside the city until we can get a place big enough for him!" the guard said, as if it was obvious.
