> Starswirl the Short-sighted
>  by Tired Old Man
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Starswirl the Prankee (revised)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. Starswirl the Prankee (Revised)


Everbound.

Just the name sounded incredible, didn't it? Oh, to state the certainty of its lasting impression upon the land is breathtaking all its own.

And I, Starswirl the Sorcerer, was invited into its well-guarded community after a most fortunate run-in with the king and queen of Equestria a few days ago.

...okay, ‘fortunate run-in’ was a bit of a stretch. They had actually scheduled some seating for my magic show over in Manehatten a few weeks prior. While it wasn’t new to me that I had the pleasure of performing for regal or popular ponies, the king and queen were different because… well, they were rulers. Pretty sure that separated them from the rest almost immediately in terms of importance.

I wasn’t all that confident in accepting this invitation, either. I mean, when I sawed the queen in half onstage as part of my act, she decided to play it up a bit by screaming and acting terrified. The look of horror and shock on the king's face could be felt throughout the whole country, and the glare he gave me was the equivalent of an Ursa Major woken up less than a week into hibernation. 

It was hard to keep my stage face when I considered the possibility of life imprisonment or execution from potentially murdering a queen, but somehow I managed. And I came out better for it, since the queen offered me a job I found... very difficult to refuse, especially when she had such a wonderful smile. And especially with his eyes bearing down upon me. I've seen full-grown dragons that are less intimidating.

So I found myself staring at those golden gates of the castle after a short walk through the town today. By gods, was it majestic. Tower spires that pierced the skies! Lances of honor, justice, and nobility held proudly within the hooves of the Royal Guard that stood tall outside the walls! It was all quite a bit to take in, given that Manehatten never had anything like this there.

A small bead of sweat trickled down my grey head and onto my nose before falling onto the ground. More would fall, but it was absorbed by my navy blue cloak, making it look darker than usual. And I was thankful none of it gathered in my mid-length black beard; it gets incredibly sticky when that happens.

I stepped forth, approaching one of the gate guards.

Don't screw this up. You got this, Swirl. You. Got. This.

"E-excuse me. I-I-Is this the castle of King Tidus and Queen Aura?" I stammered.

Smooth and classy. Gentlecolt you are not.

"Yes, it is," the guard said. "Do you have business here?"

His rough voice caused me to straighten up immediately and clear my throat. "I do. The king and queen personally invited me to discuss a new vocation."

"Name?" His stoic expression still remained. They were trained to not show much emotion on the job, I supposed.

"Starswirl the Sorcerer."

...or not, because he suddenly flashed me a mighty grin.

"Oho, you're the one that cut our fair queen in half! Walking to your execution, are you?" he snidely remarked.

"I should hope not. Such an event would be grizzly for an invitation like this." I dismissed the notion by waving my hoof. "And to my knowledge, King Tidus is quite the peaceful ruler and hasn't shed a single drop of blood in any confrontation he's dealt with," I informed him.

The guard snorted. "Think what you will, sorcerer. You only know what's in books... and one doesn’t learn everything through books."

"Can I go see them now, or will you waste my time further? I would rather not keep the king and queen waiting any longer."

The guard, sensing my irritation, tapped his lance on the ground, and the gates swung inward toward the castle.

"Enjoy your stay at the castle, Starswirl. Oh, and mind the little... troublemakers inside."

"Troublemakers?"

He deigned not to answer, and instead gestured toward the gate. I huffed before walking through and towards the castle. 

Just what did he mean by 'troublemakers', anyway?

I shrugged to no one in particular. Odds are I'll find out soon enough... but considering that I'm being brought in for a teaching assignment, surely he didn't mean...

Within minutes, the steel and brass-lined wooden doors of the castle were within hoof's reach. The wood was stained oak in color, and relayed as much strength. It would take a massive creature--or massive effort of hundreds--to break them down. Not that this seemed likely in any situation I foresaw.

I slowly budged the door open with my magic. Despite the size, the door was deceptively light. Probably so that they could actually be opened by common citizens like me. Thank the sun for that, or else I'd... have to just teleport in. 

There hasn't been a day gone by where I'm unhappy that I'm a unicorn. Not to complain about flight or strength, but magic has a certain versatility that escaped a need for most ingenuity.

Stepping into the hallowed halls, with dark colorful banners reaching down from above, I treaded onto the carpet and approached the twin thrones at the end. The king and queen were nowhere to be found. 

Odd, they invited me here but now they're not available? I KNEW that guard wasted too much of my time!

And then a giggle to my side caught my attention. I turned my head to the sound to meet-and-greet a cream pie with my face.

The pie tin fell to the ground, and through the white haze I could scantly see two young fillies peeking their heads out from a branching hallway.

They burst into laughter at my 'amusing' look, I assumed. I shook my head to render some of the whipped cream away so I could get a better look at the two troublema--

Oh, so THAT'S what the guard meant. Now I can see why.

The royal sisters. There wasn’t a stallion, mare, or newborn foal that didn’t know about Celestia and Luna. Fraternal sisters born roughly at the same time just a century into the rule of Tidus and Aura. 

The elder, Celestia, bore a brilliant sheen of white for her coat, almost blindingly so. Coupled with a light pink mane and violet eyes, she looked about as vibrant as this very castle. The younger, Luna, had a blue mane and a darker blue coat, with eyes to match. Mischievous eyes. If Celestia was plucked out of a fairy tale, Luna was pulled out of a grimdark novel.

There were rumors circling about prior to my arrival about the children being unruly jesters, but I didn’t believe them. They were just rumors, after all. How much truth could be garnered from what could easily be construed as hearsay? 

A lot of truth, apparently. That cream pie told me everything I needed to know about these two long before I started tutoring them. They were going to be difficult to teach, and that’s assuming they even wanted to learn.

Just as quickly as those two showed up, they vanished down the hallway, their giggling echoing as they ran off. I had nothing better to do considering the king and queen weren’t present, so I followed the sisters into the hallway. If I was going to start teaching these two, I needed to learn how they functioned.

Only when I rounded the corner, I knew this was a bad idea from the start. It was silly of me to think they only had one cream pie to chuck at me.

A wall of white was all I saw for a brief second before I was covered head-to-hoof in the sugary topping. The clamor of pie tins crashing to the floor could be heard throughout the castle, and yet I could still hear their giggling before it faded away as they fled down the hallway. 

Within minutes Tidus and Aura arrived. At least, I think they did. I was buried in so much whipped cream I could barely make out the hoofsteps approaching me.

“Starswirl? Is that you under there?”

“Yes, Queen Aura.” I kept my composure.

“What on earth happened here?” King Tidus asked.

“I just met your daughters. Lovely bunch of fillies, those two.”

He laughed and she chuckled. “Yes, I suppose I forgot to mention that, didn’t I? Those two really know how to make a mess of things.” King Tidus’s blue magic cleaned away most of the topping on me, letting me see clearly again.

King Tidus looked as imposing as ever. Standing a good head taller than I, he looked down on me with those same ruby-red eyes that could strike fear into all the heads of a Hydra. Simultaneously. His fire-red and orange mane flowed as freely as actual flames, with an intimidating horn and set of wings to match the ferocity. With a yellow coat to finish off the scheme, he looked as if he was the living embodiment of the sun itself, and radiated as much intensity.

And his queen, Queen Aura, looked as majestic as the night itself. Her deep, dark violet coat stood in stark contrast to her bright husband, and while she was slightly shorter than he (and in horn length as well), she was no less imposing by boasting an incredible wingspan that would make many other pegasi incredibly jealous. While her lighter violet mane did not flow like Tidus’s did, it did not mar her beauty as she had it done up in a tasteful bun and decorated with white gemstones. Finally, she bore the most heavenly of ivory eyes; miniature moons of their own regard.

I shook my head, and found it still felt heavy. I realised that Tidus had purposely left some whipped cream on it, making my hat look frilly and ridiculous. I shook it off.

Ugh, Tidus may have the eyes of death, but he’s got the personality of a jester.

I got to the point. “Right, so you two invited me for a teaching job?”

Queen Aura nodded. “Correct, Starswirl. You’ll be our daughters’ private tutor. As you can see, Celestia and Luna can be… quite a hoofful to handle.”

I groaned inwardly. “I can see that. They’re still young and filled with energy. Though I must ask, why me? Aren’t there others out there that are more well-qualified for the job than I?”

“There are, and we’ve tried them all,” Aura said matter-of-factly before she turned her head to the side. “They all quit within three days.”

“Three days?!” I exclaimed. “What makes you think I’ll last longer than that?”

Tidus stated, “You’re still standing here after taking an avalanche of whipped cream head-on, and you still have a level head about you. Your tolerance for shenanigans is one of the foremost reasons why we want to hire you, Starswirl.”

“My tolerance for shenanigans?” I asked.

“Oh come now, Starswirl. Surely you remember how you got invited?”

I didn’t hesitate. “Yes. Back in Manehatten after my magic show.”

He nodded. “And you know what my wonderful wife did that night, right?”

Ugh, how could I forget? How could the whole CITY forget that night?

“Yes, I do. It caused quite the commotion in the press the next day. ‘Mad Magician Murders Queen in Magic Act!’, if I recall the tabloids correctly.”

They both chuckled at the headline, but Queen Aura recovered first. “That was a test, Starswirl. You see, we’re in need of a tutor that can tolerate incredible levels of stress. Given your incredible stage presence, we decided to test you that evening.”

“And you passed with flying colors!” Tidus cried out with unmatchable enthusiasm. “I thought for sure my stare would have you running for the hills!”

I blinked. Wait, they… they actually planned all of that?!

“Well, I, uh… I’m very glad to know that I passed. And I can see why that requirement is necessary. But, uh, what exactly does my job entail?”

“We’d like you to stay here for one week and teach our daughters about magic and its practical capabilities. You’re free to leave at any point should you feel like they’re too much for you to handle,” Tidus explained.

That’s… actually pretty generous of him. 

“And if I’m still here when that week is over?”

“Then you either take the job for good, or leave. You’ll be paid handsomely for the week, but if you leave any sooner, then you won’t be paid a single bit.”

I knew there was a catch. Still, I needed the money. It wasn’t exactly like the queen’s little stunt did anything good for my public image.

But one question lingered in my head. “Am I responsible for anything else beyond simply teaching them magic?”

He smirked. “Not if you don’t want to be.” I raised an eyebrow, and he clarified, “Tutoring is all you’re responsible for, Starswirl. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to limit yourself to just that.

“You may escort them to their lessons using whatever methods you choose, so long as our daughters do not come to harm. And while you’re not responsible for protecting them, I do hope your better judgment prompts defending them when necessary. Nor are you responsible for the more intimate tasks like bathing them, but again, you’re free to do so.” He paused, and glared at me, instantly making me shrink down into a shivering ball. “Just don’t get any ideas.” His gaze relented, and the mood in the room improved considerably. “Now then, any more questions?”

“Nope! None at all!” I quickly responded, thankful that I was spared no more time under his gaze.


Aura flashed me another brilliant smile. “Splendid! Now then, I suppose you’ll want a formal introduction to our daughters, hm?”

I groaned. “What I want is a bath and a bed.”

The king chuckled. “In time, Starswirl. For now, you really should meet your students first. I believe they owe you an apology anyway.”

I was going to protest again, but then his eyes locked with mine, and my mouth snapped shut out of reflex.. Sheesh, those things could outstare a cockatrice… or twenty. All at once. 

Begrudgingly I nodded. They led me down the hallway where those two munchkins escaped.

“So, is this your first time in the castle?” Queen Aura asked.

“Yes, it is,” I responded.

“Then it would serve thee well to learn the layout of the castle within the next two days.”

“Two days? Why?”

“My husband and I will depart for the Griffon Empire by then.”

Oh no, she’s not saying what I think she is…

“And… what does this mean for me, exactly?”

“Don’t worry about that. We’ve a caretaker assigned to the task of watching our daughters while we’re gone.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought for a minute she was going to say--

“However, you’re free to help them if you so wish. In fact, we encourage it so that you might have a better understanding of Celestia and Luna.”

Yep. She did.

“Right. I’m sorry, but I haven’t even had a child of my own yet, so I’ve no idea how to handle children that well. But now that this has come up, what should I do if they become… unruly during my lessons?”

King Tidus turned his head back to address me. “The maids and servants here should offer you any assistance you require. Just scream out for help and they’ll come running.”

“Really? ‘Help’? That sounds like a general distress call instead of a call for some assistance in taking care of your daughters,” I said, raising an eyebrow.

“To our staff, there’s little distinction between the two.” He chuckled before turning his head forward again.

I gulped. The king just acknowledged that his little girls are the troublesome equivalent of a brush fire. And they expected me, a lone firepony, to put out the blazes when they’re under my supervision.

“Here we are.”

We stopped in front of a white door splashed with various hoof-paint colors, betraying the niceties of the light gray stone that lined the halls. I’d call it clashing if some of the paint hadn’t also spread onto the walls themselves, leaving some paint streaks that ran a fair distance down the hallway on both sides of it.

This seemed like the perfect place to check my sanity at the door. I won’t be needing it once I passed through.

...or so I thought. The door opened to a rather pristine-looking room. There were no signs of the chaos just outside it. The two princesses sat in different beds on both sides of the room. Luna was busy playing with a few small toys. Celestia was reading a children’s book.

“Celestia, Luna, could the both of you come here please?” Queen Aura asked.

Within seconds, both princesses put away their possessions and stood in front of their mother.

“Yes, mother?” they chimed in unison.

No no no, there’s no way they’re that polite to their parents. Not after the trouble they gave me just a little while ago. I call bull.

Tidus gestured to me to come forward. I complied as he said, “This is Starswirl. He will be your tutor for the next week. And I believe you two owe him an apology.”

I saw two sets of gleaming white teeth in perfect smiles. They were very happy, almost overzealous smiles. But I know they were not for me. I saw it in their eyes.

They were going to make my life hell.

“We’re sorry!” they both said.

I grunted, but nodded to affirm their apology. “It’s alright, all is forgiven.” No, it’s not.

“It’s nice to meet you, mister Starswirl! I’m Celestia.”

“And I am Luna, her little sister.”

They had put on their best cute looks. I didn’t fall for it. I knew they were hiding those evil little smirks of theirs I saw through the whipped cream earlier.

I leaned my head down to meet the two. “And it’s nice to meet the both of you too!” I announced. But then I added in a whisper, “I know you two are putting on a show for your parents.”

The wide grins they had did not recede, and neither did the rest of their faces when Luna said, “We know. You’re putting on a show too.”

I raised my head up, and turned to face the king and queen. “I think we’re going to get along just fine.”
> 2. Starswirl the Heavy-hoofed (revised)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


2. Starswirl the Heavy-hoofed (revised)


Nononononono it is NOT fine! I regret everything!

A cacophony of animal sounds echoed as a literal zoo of animals stampeded behind me. I tore through the hallways as fast as my legs could carry me, and above me two princesses laughed and laughed at my misery.

It was my first day tutoring at the castle. I went to their bedroom to take them to a classroom I set up just down the hallway. Two desks, a blackboard, some rudimentary and advanced textbooks, everything I needed to teach these two some good old-fashioned magic.

Only it seemed they performed their own magic trick by vanishing when I came to their room. It took me about twenty minutes to finally find them in the gardens, greeting all the animals.

Did I say ‘greeting’? I meant ‘getting them riled up and irritated’ then turning them loose on me, turning me into nature’s punching bag.

The birds that kept up with me decided to peck at me like I was a mobile birdfeeder. I almost felt my hind legs being stepped on by the deer chasing me… and was that a rhinoceros? Where did they even find one of those?

Stop monologuing and keep running!

I took a left turn at a split in the hallway and hugged the wall, seeing all manner of animals as they ran past me and deeper into the castle. I breathed a sigh of relief before casting my eyes upward at the two deviant sisters snickering above me.

“You two… are nightmares,” I said as I caught my breath.

“Aw, lighten up Starswirl! This is only the first act!” Luna said.

“I don’t want to see the rest of the acts, and you two need a magic lesson THIS INSTANT!”

“Well, what are ya gonna do? Make u--” Celestia began.

I decided to shut both of them up by grasping both of them with my magic.

“Hey! Let us go!” Celestia pleaded.

Now it was my turn to smirk. “If you two actually bothered to study your magic, you might be able to on your own. Until then, I’ve got you right where I want you. Now, come along,” I said as I hovered the two down and next to me as we made our way toward the classroom.

“But what about the animals we set free?” Luna asked.

I stopped, then sighed and took in a deep breath before screaming, “HEEELLLP!” A few unicorn servants showed up almost instantaneously.

Damn, Tidus wasn’t joking. They do show up fast.

“Yes, sir? Is there a problem?” a servant asked.

“These two decided to let the garden animals loose inside the castle. Do you think you could handle that while I handle them?” I stressed the last word heavily in reference to Luna and Celestia.

“Of course, Starswirl.” With that, the servants tore down the hallway I pointed down where the animals went, leaving me alone with my two impromptu prisoners.

Wait, I didn’t tell them about the rhinoceros… Eh, they’ll be fi--

“AAAAGH! My ass! My beautiful flank!” Somepony screamed from down the hallway.

Just pretend you didn’t hear that, Swirl.

“Are they going to be okay?” Luna asked.

“Gods, the pain! The insufferable pain!”

“...maybe.”

“You’re not going to help them?” Celestia asked.

“AGH! I-I think it pierced my spleen!”

“If I help them, then who’s going to watch you two?”

“We don’t need to be watched!” Luna complained.

“To the contrary, you just set a horde of animals loose inside this castle.”

“Yeah, but that was meant for you!”

“Isn’t anypony going to get me off of this thing?!”

“And what, you planned on putting the animals back when you were done having your fun? Pray tell, how did you think you could manage that when you can’t even break free of my magical grasp?”

Luna opened her mouth to retort, but soon closed it, realizing my point.

“I thought so. I’ll be telling your mother and father about this later, and they’ll decide on an appropriate punishment. For now, you two are going to learn magic.”

I left the servants to their duties and walked down the branch to the classroom. It was a longer trip thanks to the detour, but I’d rather not subject these children to a poor pony’s sudden and horrific intimacy with a rhino.

Despite my grasp, they still struggled to break free. I saw small flashes of light as their horns tried to cast some magic, any magic to get themselves free. Failing that, they flailed their legs and wings about, as if physical effort was enough to break them out. It was almost too cute to watch.

Almost.

I flung the door open with a hoof and plopped the two down into their seats before shutting the door and sealing it with my magic. A silver glimmer hovered around the door, signifying my spell was complete as I finally freed Celestia and Luna.

“Now then, are you two going to give me any more trouble, or do you actually want to learn today?”

They both huffed and crossed their hooves, laying them on the desk.

Well, it’s a start. Not. Might as well try anyway.

I walked up to the blackboard, holding some chalk with my magic as I scrawled the word “LEVITATION” on it. I made sure to make the chalk grate a little bit  to hurt their ears and keep their attention. I took my revenge in small steps.

“Levitation. One of the most basic, if not one of the first spells unicorns learn. Do either of y--”

I felt a small object hit me in the back of my head. I turned around, only to see the both of them looking away, whistling all the while.

“As I was saying,” I continued through slightly gritted teeth, “do either of you know the spell?”

“Of course we do!” Luna started.

I gave her a knowing grin. “Oh? Well then, I’ve a little surprise for you.”

I moved behind my desk and reached into a large duffel bag, pulling out ten different-sized black cylinders. I set them all in a row on the desk, in order of smallest to largest.

“Why don’t you try lifting one of these up, Princess Luna?”

She looked at the cylinders for a brief moment before saying, “Hah! Why should I lift only one? They’re all so small, I could lift them all easily!”

“Really? Then go ahead and do so,” I said, my grin widening even further.

A deep royal-blue glow surrounded her horn, and a similarly colored haze fell upon the ten cylinders I set on the desk. Luna craned her head upward while focusing intently on trying to move the cylinders, but none of them budged at all.

She gritted her teeth and strained even harder to move them, but to no avail. Little beads of sweat trickled down her face. Finally, she released her grip on the cylinders, wheezing and panting.

“What… is with… those things… you old coot?”

“The name is Starswirl, Luna,” I corrected. She huffed and turned her head away. Celestia, on the other hoof, looked upon the cylinders with fascinated eyes that belied her earlier actions.

“Those aren’t ordinary cylinders, are they?”

“Why, that’s exactly right! How observant of you, Celestia.”

My praise earned me my first genuine smile from her (at least, I thought it was). I smiled back as I continued, “These cylinders, while weighing little more than a few grams to a kilogram, have been magically altered to react to levitation spells. While levitating an object in the air makes it seem like it defies gravity, it doesn’t. You’re merely countering gravity by applying a constant force of your own to counteract it.”

I levitated the ten cylinders in front of me with ease, causing both of their jaws to drop to their desks.

“In regards to these cylinders, they amplify the strength of gravity around them when they’re magically handled using levitation. For each unicorn, the maximum strength of their levitation is normally determined using these.”

“Whoa, so you can hold up all of them at once? Did you do that the first time?” Celestia inquired.

“Oh, heavens no! I could barely hold up the third-smallest in this set. But with practice, patience and diligence, one can lift all ten of these with ease… and you two will need to bear much more weight than these little cylinders someday.”

“What do you mean? Tell us! We demand it!” Luna yelled.

“Only if you say please.”

Luna fidgeted in her desk, clearly wanting to do something other than that, be it fleeing or throwing something at me again.

“...Starswirl, please tell us,” she finally said, with a hint of defiance in her words.

Oh, the joys of being an elder pony.

“Thank you, Luna. What I meant by that statement is that you two will need to control the sun and moon one day.”

“WHAT?!” they screamed in unison, almost blowing my ears out.

I shook my head to clear it of white noise before continuing, “Yes, our very sun and moon. You didn’t know that your mother and father were responsible for ensuring that days pass in the land of Equestria?”

“Well, we knew that…” Celestia said after a pause, “But we never thought we would have to do that ourselves someday.”

I blinked a few times before raising an eyebrow. “And why not? You two are princesses, heirs to the throne of the king and queen of Equestria! What, did you think your parents were going to control the sun and moon forever?”

“...yes?”

I sighed. “What if something were to happen to them, and they can’t perform their royal duties? Say, they both get very sick and can’t move the celestial bodies. Whose shoulders does the burden fall on then?”

I heard the gears spinning in their heads as they came to the answer I knew they’d reach.

“Us,” they said together.

“Precisely.” I nodded sagely. “There will come a day when this happens, and you two will need to be ready for it. You won’t know when it will come. You might not even know why it came. But on that day, you’ll need to do what you must to ensure that the sun rises and the moon falls, or vice versa.”

They both shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

“I know this is a hefty burden to bear, my students, but it is better that you have a grasp on your magic before this happens. This is why I am here. Your parents put me in charge regarding your magical studies because they have foreseen this eventuality, and want you two to be prepared for it. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mister Starswirl,” they both said after a pause, their eyes downcast to the desks.

The mood in the room turned very somber, and seeing those two look so downtrodden was something I wasn’t used to. I mean, all I knew of them was pranks, smiles, and laughter as their usual selves, but this?

I didn’t want this. Acting quickly, I hovered the weights again and spun them around the fillies in a figure-eight pattern. Their eyes immediately lit up again as I intricately twisted the weights with my magic, bringing back the smile I saw from Celestia, and earning one from Luna as well. My smile completed the picture as their happiness brought out my own.

Keep them smiling, Starswirl. Don’t forget to smile yourself, especially if they can’t.

I spun the weights around a bit faster, and began to toy with them with little acrobatic stunts. Their smiles only grew.

You don’t want to see those sad faces again. Hold your tongue lest their sour moods reappear.

Satisfied that they were happy, I set the weights back down on my desk. “Now then, let’s get started with your levitation lesson.”

And most importantly of all: Remember that they’re children.


~~~


I retired to my bedroom shortly after the lesson ended. Much to my surprise, the sisters were actually quite obedient after I told them about the responsibilities they were to bear someday.

For the most part. There were moments where I almost blew my hat off my head, but those moments were few and far in between.

I sat at my desk, heavily occupied with the lesson plans I had to sort out for the week, setting aside much more time for the lessons than I previously thought after today’s antics took place.

A rather forceful knock at my door preceded the arrival of Queen Aura, who had a rather flustered and annoyed look on her face. Her mane was slightly unkempt, with a few strays fighting against the flow of her golden hair.

She greeted me with a soft smile. “Good evening, Starswirl.”

“Good evening, Queen Aura. How are the little troublemakers faring?” I asked, setting aside my lesson plans as I did so.

“Confined to their room for the evening.” She took a moment to pause before continuing, “They... had a few choice things to say about your handling of them during the lesson today, and some of it concerns me.”

I crossed my hooves. “Oh? And what might those concerns be?”

“Putting a cap on Luna and Celestia and forcing them both into opposite corners.”

I laughed. “They didn’t tell you why I did that? They almost started a fight because both of them lifted the exact same amount of weight and claimed that they were stronger than the other over a few measly centimeters in height difference!”

Suddenly she chuckled, and it unsettled me. “They called you, and I quote, ‘Meanbeard the Maleficent’.”

My eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. “M-Meanbeard?!”

Now that’s just low. My beard is magnificent!

“Well, besides the silly name, it makes me wonder just how you’re treating our daughters.”

“And what are your concerns regarding that?”

“Levitating them into the classroom by force,” she said.

I blinked. “How is that something to be concerned about? King Tidus authorized me to use whatever means necessary to get them into the class so long as it didn’t harm them, and levitation’s practically the least harmful spell I could have used to do so.”

“I know, Starswirl.” She turned her head to the side. “Still, I must ask: Do you want to drag them into that classroom every single day like that?”

“If it means they get to learn, then yes,” I bluntly stated. “I was brought in as a tutor, and I will teach them magic, Queen Aura.”

She turned her head forward, facing me again. “Then may I make a request?”

I nodded. “Certainly.”

“Don’t do that ever again unless you absolutely must.”

I blinked. Ten times. “...What?”

“I know my daughters, Starswirl. They hate being dragged into things they don’t want to do, and I’m afraid that if you keep doing so, you’ll push them away eventually, and they won’t wish to learn from you anymore.

“And while I understand the lesson went well thanks to your entertaining enthusiasm, I fear that will fall short one day, and you’ll pay the price for it when it comes should things continue as they are. Do you understand?”

I sat there in silent contemplation, not entirely sure what she had asked of me. She wanted me to not be forceful in administering my lessons, yet that was the only way I was able to get them in the classroom today. So… how did she expect me to teach them, then?

“Then do you have some alternative in mind?”

She nodded. “What drew ponies in to watch your show?”

I cocked my head at the question. “What do you mean?”

“What was your draw, your big appeal that brought spectators to your show, Starswirl?”

I grinned, and recited with gusto, “The promise of magic the likes of which they’ve never seen! To be entertained like no other has before! To be bedazzled, bewitched, and bespectacled by magic, pure and at its finest.”

She giggled. “You said that at your last show too… and it’s also the other reason we chose you, Starswirl.”

I grin stopped, and my face had a genuine look of curiosity upon it. “It is?”

“You drew in your crowds not by force, but with the promise of entertainment. The reason our daughters enjoyed your lesson, despite their name-calling, was because of that. Entertainment.

“So please do that, and only that, whenever you can. Do more than just teach them. Promise to entertain them, Starswirl. I know it’s not part of your job, but...” She trailed off, and let the silence linger.

I looked down at my desk. This time, while I knew exactly what she wanted me to do… but I wasn’t sure I could do it. Not with how out-of-control those two are.

“...I’ll need some time to think about it.”

She nodded. “I understand. In that case, I’ll leave you to your thoughts, Starswirl.” She turned to the door and walked toward it, but stopped just after opening it. “Good night.”

“Good night, Queen Aura.” And with that, she shut the door, leaving me alone in the room to dwell on, to me, a very difficult task.


~Luna~


“Ouch!”

My sister stubbed her hoof on a corner. Again. For the fourth time!

“Tia, be careful! We’re trying not to get caught you know.”

She just flashed me a sheepish smile and nodded silently.

Ugh, she is such a klutz! I rolled my eyes before checking the hallway for those frilly maids and shiny guards, just in case Meanbeard had any protection.

Nopony in sight. Perfect.

“Are you ready, Tia?” I asked.

“You know it, Lulu.”

I slowly opened the door to Starswirl’s bedroom, because Tia’s a clumsy chicken and I’m super-stealthy quiet--

CREEEAAAK

I winced at the sound the hinges made. Stupid Lu! Now you’ve blown it!

However, it made no noise comparable to the intense snoring coming from the bed. I couldn’t believe it, but Meanbeard made more noise at night than our father.

My sister and I quietly trotted over to the side of the bed. I made Tia take a wider route; if she stubbed her hoof on the bed frame, we were done for!

The snoring only grew louder as we approached, forcing my ears to splay back. Wow, he snores so loud I can feel it in the air.

And that’s when I knew we were in the clear. A swift flap of our wings, and we were on the bed looking at our target. Sleeping peacefully, but loudly.

Well, we’re going to fix that.

I turned to face Celestia. “Do you have the set?”

She nodded, and her faint yellow glow lifted a box up and onto the bed. My makeup set, a gift from our mother. It was half the size of us, and almost as dark as me. I loved it, and used it mostly to make Tia and I pretty, but tonight was different.

I opened it to sift through the contents. Everything was there, just as I had left it. I grabbed a tube of rouge lipstick and teal eyeliner while Tia reached for a blush brush and a few tubes of sparkly glitter.

“Are you ready, Tia?” I asked as my tools hovered over Meanbeard’s dumb, snoring head.

Hers soon followed. “Let’s do it, sister. Let’s put a smile on his face.”
> 3. Starswirl the Karmic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


3. Starswirl the Karmic



~Starswirl~


This morning felt more sluggish than usual. Probably because Queen Aura’s words still hung dryly in my head like a slap to the face.

Actually, no. It wasn’t that. My head just felt heavier today. I wasn’t sure why, but I figured it was karma’s way of telling me I needed to fix the problems I started so far.

Breakfast came first, though. As I exited my room, a maid was happily dusting outside my doorway. She gave me a rather peculiar look, one conveying equal notes of shock, horror, and… laughter?

As I rounded the corner, I heard actual laughter echo behind me.

Odd. Very… very odd.

The kitchen was on the other side of the throne room in another hallway. As I crossed the threshold, Tidus and Aura came from the other hallway, smiling and laughing about something as they approached.

Both of them stopped and gave me the exact same look the maid did. What is with everypony today? I only just woke up, and all I’ve been getting are strange looks!

Their lips cracked into a barely audible snicker as they covered their mouths with a hoof.

I shook my head. “Good morning, King Tidus. Queen Aura.”

“G-good morning, Starbeard--I mean, Swirl. Starswirl,” King Tidus said, still trying to contain his laughter. Horribly, I might add.

I tilted my head to the side. “Starbeard?”

“Star… Starswirl, have you looked in a mirror this morning?” Queen Aura asked, also badly containing her laughter.

“I haven’t,” I said, my head only tilting further to the side. “Why?”

“D-Down the hall and to the left. Second door on your right. You might--” she repressed another laugh “--want to get cleaned up.”

Fear rose within me. Oh gods, do I look hideous? I didn’t sleep on the wrong side of the bed, did I? I mean, sure, I felt tired even waking up this morning, but I never even checked to see how I looked in my room before leaving!

I ran past the two of them and down the hall, following Aura’s instructions to the letter. What awaited me was a small washroom for the servants, but it was also available to the general public that visited during the day. It was still early in the morning, so I expected nopony to be in there.

I opened the door and--POOF--a bowl of flour toppled onto my head, coating my head with white. I sneezed. Again. And again.

My nose cleared, I approached the window… and promptly screamed until my mouth was bone-dry.

Back when I was a traveling magician in a humble caravan, my travels took me to all sorts of cultured places. One such venue was in the Far East of Equestria, and it was there that I was exposed to highly refined culture, where the mares would wear many layers of makeup on their face. It was meant mostly as a symbol of purity and unparalleled beauty. White powdered faces, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick, and even their manes were done up in well-crafted buns.

Take that, and have the same kind of style of makeup done by a young filly, with the addition of them braiding my beard into a heart shape and filling it with glitter.

Okay, the beard wasn’t so bad actually. BUT STILL!

I took a deep breath, licked my lips, and called out the names of the ones responsible.


~~~


“Tidus, do you still think he’ll last three days?”

“Initially, yes. Now? I’m not so sure. Why do you ask, honey?”

“Well… I may have added more fuel to their fire…”

“…you didn’t--”

“LUUUUNAAAA! CELESSSSTIAAAA!”

“You did.”


~Celestia~


Meanbeard’s voice rung throughout the castle. Luna and I could no longer hold in our laughter around the corner nearest the bathroom.

Although when we heard the door slam open, both of us hushed as we saw him exit the bathroom. He looked… different from last night. His face was white, but we didn’t do anything like that to him. I definitely don’t remember us using that much powder on him.

But his stance looked furious, and when he saw our heads sticking out from the corner, I only had one clear thought: RUN!

My sister and I tore down the hallway before flapping our wings to gain height as Meanbeard gave chase.

“Get back here this instant!”

“No way, Meanbeard! You deserved this!” Luna shouted. I turned my head and blew a raspberry at him.

That’ll teach you, you mangy old--

“Tia, look out!”

I turned my head forward, and met the wall.

I saw hundreds of stars… and then the floor. Then more stars. It was so pretty.

And then I saw Meanbeard, and all the stars fled.

I rolled to my hooves and tried to flee, but he grabbed me by the tail.

“Where do you think you’re going, missy?” He asked, muffled by his teeth and my tail hair.

“F-Far away from here!” I squealed.

“Fat chance!” He began to tug.

My hooves scraped against the carpet as I tried to free myself, but Meanbeard wouldn’t let go. I could feel a bit of my hair coming loose as he held firm.

“Hey Meanbeard!”

He whipped his head around, and another pie flew toward us both. He released his grip on my tail and deftly dodged the pie.

“Hah! You’re not going to get me with that again!”

I didn’t hear anything else he had to say, because Luna and I booked it while he was distracted. We ran as fast and as far away from Meanbeard as we could.


~Starswirl~


Unbelievable! Those two gave me the slip!

Steam vented from my nose as I paced the floor about me in circles.

Ooh, those two are going to GET it when I find them! And I’ll find them eventually!

As I continued to pace, glitter fell away from my beard, and soon enough I was walking in a ring of the stuff. I looked down, and the glitter reminded me of the root problem. I still looked like a colt in drag and clown makeup.

With the prettiest beard.

I huffed and stomped back to the bathroom. Of course, it was occupied by one of the servants. But they were in the stall, so as long as I cleaned up quickly, it wouldn’t matter.

“Wow, the nurse was right! Taking a crap IS easier now!” came a familiar voice from yesterday.

...Swirl, find another bathroom. NOW!

I raced out the door in a flash. I didn’t even care about the noise I made when I slammed into it.

That probably scared the crap out of him… WHAT AM I THINKING?!

I didn't care if I found a formal washroom anymore. I just needed a sink, and this wing of the castle had a kitchen.

I'm probably going to either scare the chefs or earn more laughter, but I don't care at this point.

The makeup had to go. Retracing the layout of the castle in my mind, I quickly ran to the kitchen.

Of course, there were two chefs working. Both of them screamed and ran off instantly. I hated ruining their day like this, but it wasn't like my day was going to improve continuing to look like a rejected children's toy.

I don't remember how long I scrubbed at my face. Ten, twenty minutes? However long it took to get every speck of powder and paint off my face, I did it.

The glitter was the hardest part. Most of it was thickly buried in my short black beard, and would still glimmer whenever any light struck it. I picked out all I could find, but I knew I didn't get it all out. It would have to do, though, until I went back to my room and took a fine-toothed comb to it.

My stomach growled as I rinsed my face one last time for good measure. In my rage, I completely forgot about my hunger. A few assorted vegetables sat in a bowl on the counter nearby. Probably for the afternoon salad. They won’t notice a carrot or two missing from it… I hope.

Roughly cleaned and fed, I exited the kitchen, eager to resume my hunt for the two pesky fillies.

Hold on a sec. Remember what happened yesterday?

I stopped and recalled getting reamed by Aura for doing this exact same thing again. I didn't want an encore performance. But then how was I going to find them?

Then it hit me. Entertainment, she had said. That's what they want, and what they'll enjoy.

When one grows tired of stumbling into traps, start making your own.

A somewhat-devilish grin spread on my face. I had some preparations to do.

~Luna~


"I-Is it safe yet?"

"We haven't heard Meanbeard yell at us for over an hour, sister."

"And that's what worries me, Lulu!"

I rolled my eyes. "Tia, he won't find us in the broom closet. Nopony finds us here but the maids."

"What if Meanbeard asked the maids where we like to hide though? You don't think they'd squeal on us, right?"

"They haven't when we played with mom and dad, Tia. What makes you think Meanbeard is different?"

"Because he's Meanbeard."

I blinked, then sighed. "Tia, I hate you sometimes."

I slowly opened the door and craned my head outward. Flicking back and forth, I saw nopony.

“We’re clear… for now.”

I looked back to Tia, and saw a few tiny legs sticking out of her mane. I grinned.

Sorry sister, but I have to do this.

“Tia, you’ve got something in your mane.”

“Ooh, is it dust again?” She shook her head, freeing the spider buried in her mane and landing square on her nose.

“Worse.”

“Eeeek! Get it off get it off get it off!” She began frantically running around in circles. The spider was holding on for dear life.

I fell to my back, rolling and laughing all the while as my older sister panicked.

“Lulu, help me! Please!” She said as tears began to flow from her eyes.

I kept laughing for a little bit longer until I had to catch my breath. Then I rose to my hooves and held her firm.

“Okay, okay. Hold still, alright?” She meekly nodded.

Sheesh, I can't believe she's still scared of spiders.

My horn glowed, and I slowly lifted the spider up and away from her face before setting it on the floor. It quickly scurried away.

“There, better?”

“Y-Yeah. Thanks, Lulu.”

I smiled, this time earnestly. “You’re welc--”

Suddenly, both of us heard brass horns echo from outside. Drums and other instruments soon played along.

“Tia, what’s that?”

“I don’t know, Lulu, but it sounds like fun!”

She ran off toward the sound, but I was skeptical.

This HAS to be one of Meanbeard’s tricks!

“Tia, wait!” I called after her, but she ran too far down the hall to hear me. I growled before chasing after her.

Argh, if my stupid sister gets caught again, she's going to owe me ice cream when I save her tail!


~Starswirl~


"Come one, come all! Come to the show of Starswirl the Sorcerer!"

Swirl, you're only doing this just to catch two fillies.

And yet, a crowd began to form within the gardens as servants and guards gathered around my stage. Murmurs began to form in the crowd as they anticipated some of my famous magic tricks.

"Ooh, I can't wait to see his Fire Whip Spectacle!"

"Please, the Locked Room Escape is his best trick yet."

Whew, am I glad to see that my reputation wasn't damaged.

"Is he going to do the Sawbox trick again?"

"Naw, he doesn't have the balls. Not since the queen volunteered for it over in Manehatten."

Nevermind. I forgot that trick is infamous now.

"Alright, everypony settle down. The show will begin in just a few minutes."

At that, I saw the first of my targets trot through the crowd, which parted like a mythical sea to make room for the princess. Luna followed shortly after, giving me the stink-eye as she took a seat next to her sister.

Ignore it, Swirl. Remember that they're children.

I nodded to acknowledge them both, and as I raised my head, I saw Tidus and Aura watching from the back of the crowd. They both smiled, and Tidus motioned a hoof to urge me onward, eager to see what I had in store.

Well then, I won't disappoint them.

I walked behind the curtain, and donned my cloak and star-spangled hat. Old and worn from long periods of use, yet iconic of my Sorcerer name.The dust on them, I've found, adds an extra bit of authenticity to my image.

Kids won't want to see some dusty old clothing, though. They like color, not age.

I groaned. Luna and Celestia were my targets, and the first thing they'd see is something dull and dirty if I walked onstage like this.

A flash of silver from my horn shook away the years of accumulated dust from my stage uniform, revealing the deep midnight-blue hue. Lighter blue stars decorated the cape and hat, completing the ensemble that is my stage uniform of older, better days. Much better days than what I'm doing now, at least.

Or so you think, Swirl. 

I couldn't help but crack a smile at the stray thought. How could these be better days when the past two have been fraught with nothing but grief and agony?

Because you're making them happy. Isn’t that all that matters?

I stopped at the curtains, recalling my mentor’s words from a time long ago.

Yes… yes it does… and it took me these children to see that again.

My smile at its widest, I burst through the curtains with flair.

“Welcome, fillies and gentlecolts, to the show of Starswirl the Sorcerer!”



> 4. Starswirl the Snowman
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Starswirl the Snowman


One should always appreciate the sound of clopping hooves. Applause is one of the best things one can hear when performing onstage. It urges you onward to keep doing more, and in doing more you earn more applause. A vicious cycle that either side can end with a thrown vegetable or saying "That's all!" And yet the cycle persists because both performer and audience want more.

This applause didn't last as long or as loud as my Manehatten shows, but one learns not to appreciate quantity as much regarding it. Applause is applause is applause.

I took a starting bow in appreciation, and began my show a bit differently than they remembered.

Way differently than I remember.

As my horn glowed, the space around the stage became colder. 

"Long ago, I was part of a traveling caravan that visited all parts of the world. Our travels took us to the Far North."

Small clouds formed overhead, and little snowflakes began falling.

"It was there that we faced some of the most frigid temperatures in the world. 'Cold' is hardly a fitting description. No, it was so chilly that our hooves were not unlike ice cubes!"

A thick layer of snow soon piled at my hooves as the snow intensified. The chill sent waves of shivers through my audience.

"In such a harsh environment, adaptability was key to survival, and the Ice Ponies of the North are well-deserving of their title."

I whipped the snow at my hooves into a flurry before reforming them into various objects: houses, shovels, and miniature Earth ponies, Unicorns and Pegasi. They used the miniature shovels to clear away the snow from the houses.

"Ooh"s and "aah"s were my reception. None of them were expecting this, because this wasn't just magic, at least not in the way I’ve done in my shows before with enchanted props and knick-knacks.

A simpler magic, one that doesn't even need magic to be magical.

This was storytelling, and Luna and Celestia were completely enveloped in it as their smiles widened and eyes glimmered with curiosity and wonder.

Their interest is yours, Swirl. Keep it up.

“Living in an everlasting winter, every day they dealt with ice and snow. While most would consider it a detriment, they considered it a way of life. And from it, each type of pony had gained newfound strength in the face of their adverse environment.”

The frozen diorama of ponies working in the cold shifted to a mid-size Pegasus flying through a harsh blizzard.

“Pegasi born here could withstand icy lows that those born in warmer climates could not, and harnessed this strength to combat and control the northern skies.” 

The Pegasus landed, and folded its its wings. Seamlessly, the wings merged with the body as the Pegasus became an Earth pony. The remaining snow shifted into a large mass of ice, which the pony bucked away with ease.

“Earth ponies could shift entire glaciers with mere kicks of their hooves, shifting the frigid wastes into sturdy, insurmountable walls that buffered the harsh winds aiming for their villages.”

Another shift as the snow pony turned to face the audience and grew a horn, glowing the same silver as mine as the snow whirled around in a tempest stemming from the tip of the horn.

“And Unicorns? They were blessed with learning how to bend cold and chill to their will, fine-tuning the work of others and crafting sturdy shelters in mere minutes. It is from these stalwart and steadfast ponies that ice magic even exists today.”

In a flash of silver light, all the snow and ice I summoned vanished, and what little cold remained was banished by the sun’s warming glow. Everypony shook their coats free of any remaining snow, but I left some more on Luna and Celestia.

Little steps of revenge.

“Now, a few of you might be wondering what this story has to do with anything. Well, among the many things that they have contributed to the world of magic, one of their most famous things is a treat that many children love, and even a few adults too.”

Producing a small paper cone, my horn glowed again and I crafted a small snowball hovering in the air before plopping it onto the cone.

"And that, my friends, is the humble snow cone."

Luna and Celestia's eyes grew wide at the mention of my frosty treat.

"Ooh ooh, is it like ice cream?" Celestia asked.

"No, though if I had to compare, it would be closest to a sorbet." I hovered a small pitcher of apple juice over to my cone and poured a bit over it in a light drizzle.

"Now then, who wants a snow come?"

"Ooh, pick me!"

"No, pick me!"

"I could go for one too."

"Hey, does he even have enough cups for all of us?"

And I forgot I had a sizeable audience.

"Hold on, everypony. I believe these two in the front wanted it first. Why don't you both come onstage."

Suddenly both princesses ceased their bickering, and looked around them at all the ponies staring at them.

Minor pressure compared to what's to come.

And yet this pressure was enough to make them very uncomfortable. They needed some reassurance.

"Come on, you two. Everypony here knows you, so there's little to fear. Come on up here. Everything will be fine, I promise."

Upon hearing my voice and seeing my earnest smile, I could feel their burden lift off their shoulders long enough for them to spread their wings and land in front of me.

"Ladies and gentlecolts, please give them a round of applause."

The clopping hooves did exactly what I wanted them to. In light of the cheers and noises, whatever fears they had in their minds faded away as they eagerly looked at me and my snow cone.

"Now then, my students, as you can see, I've only one snow cone, but two contenders. While normally this would be a problem, there's actually a simple solution to the matter.

"And that, my friends, is for them to make their own."

Gasps and whispers, with the loudest gasps from Luna and Celestia.

"What? But we can't do that kind of magic!" Luna squealed.

I shook my head. "To the contrary, elemental magic is one of the easiest to learn. Difficult to master, yes, but easy to learn."

Craning my head downward, I stuck it in between the fillies'  worried faces and whispered, "Just try to imagine something cold. Think about that as hard as you can. It's that easy."

Not really, but they'll figure the rest out. I'm sure of it.

"Is it really that easy, Mea--I mean, Starswirl?" Celestia asked.

Reassure, but let them do the work.

"I can only say it's easy for so long before you two try it for yourselves."

They blinked, and meekly nodded, but they still had doubt in their minds. I raised my head to address the audience once more.

"They're still a little nervous, folks. I think they need one more round of applause!"

More cheers, and even a whistle from their mother was added into the mix. That perked them right up.

"Are you two ready?" They nodded. "Then let's make some snow cones."

I brought out a tray from behind the curtain and set the first cone down in it. I produced three more cups, and hovered one in front of me, the others in front of the fillies.

"I'll start just to show you the right size, alright?"

They nodded, so I set to work. My thoughts took me back to the cold, harsh blizzard in the north. 


~~~


The fierce wind buffeted the caravan, tipping one of the wagons over. My wagon, of course. We had to proceed without it; despite it holding most of our warmer gear (and my props), it would take too much time getting it out otherwise.

"We have to leave it, Starswirl. Come, we must keep moving." Her voice, even in this howling wind, still reached my ears.

"But my props are in there! How can I--"

"They're just things, Starswirl. Things we can replace. At least we didn't lose you in the wagon too. You're much more difficult to replace, aren't you?"

I bit my lip. That's true. Argh, why does she have to make such good arguments?

Then she smiled. "Careful you don't blush too much, Starswirl. You'll freeze faster that way."

"I-I know that!" I huffed, a puff of hot breath fogging my vision for a second. She giggled before trotting off after the rest of the caravan. 

She always does that. Leaving the conversation just as I thought of a retort. I took longer to think of it because of this blizzard, but I had one ready just now!

Probably wasn't worth it, Swirl. She's usually right about things like this.

I barely had time to look at my wagon for one second before it was consumed by snow. I didn't wish to share its fate, so I followed after my mentor.


~~~


I opened my eyes. The snowball I crafted floated in front of me. Not perfect, but I didn't expect it to be.

Yet I was genuinely surprised to see two more snowballs floating next to mine. And two of the widest smiles I've ever seen.

"We did it, Luna!"

"We did it, Celestia!"

Amid their own cheers, applause rose from the audience that I didn't have to goad out. I smiled, then reached back behind the curtains for some syrup when--

SPLAT

--a snowball was firmly planted in my face.

Then another from the other side.

Oh. It. Is. On!


~~~


I sat neck-deep in the bathtub, willing as much of this chill away as I could. I had more hot towels wrapped around my face than you could imagine, looking not unlike a severe burn victim.

Only I'm contending with freezer burn, and these towels didn't seem to be doing a single thing. Neither was the water all that helpful as I continued shivering in rage-induced fits.

Not even ten minutes after they start a snowball fight and they summon an avalanche of snow on me. Those fillies learn faster than I expected. Too fast.

Another shiver and an opening door forced me from my thoughts. I heard stifled laughter. Familiar laughter.

"Well, aren't you a hot mess! And here I thought your makeover made my day this morning!"

Makeover? When did they... oh gods, THAT maid!

I ripped some of the towels off my face to confirm my suspicions. It was indeed the same maid I saw this morning.

"Y-You! What are you doing in here?!"

She stifled a chuckle. "I brought you some more towels. Had a feeling you needed them after your tragic snowball fight." She set the towels next to the tub, ignoring the glare I gave her the whole time. "You should know not to take on two rambunctious fillies at the same time."

"Hmph. And what do you know about Celestia and Luna?" I asked, crossing my hooves.

She waved a hoof dismissively. "Enough to know to not draw their ire and stay out of their way. They're like bees on a thievin' Ursa."

Not a wholly inaccurate description of those two... and me.

I snorted. "You got that right. This ice still stings like I fought a swarm of bees and lost."

Then the maid did something unexpected. She dipped one of her hooves into the water, then quickly withdrew it, shivering slightly.

"Well, no wonder you're complaining about the cold. The water's not even lukewarm! I'll go fetch some more!"

She bolted away in a flash. I didn't even have time to tell her I could have reheated the water myself.

Eh, I'll let her do it. I've had enough with magic for today.


~Celestia~


"S-S-S-So c-c-cold!" Luna spoke through violently chattering teeth.

"I-I-I know, s-s-sister!" I replied, my teeth chattering faster than hers.

Why did that snow have to be so cold?! Meanbeard covered us from head to hoof in the stuff, and we didn't even play for a whole ten minutes! He's such a jerkhead!

A hot waterfall of water fell over both of us as our mother kept bathing us.

"Now now you two. You both had this coming to you. You started the fight, after all."

"But Meanbeard ended it!"

"He ruined our fun!"

"It's not fair!" We crossed our hooves and pouted.

Mother sighed and put a hoof to her head before smiling warmly at us. 

"Sometimes the world isn't fair, my little daughters. Things may not go your way, and there may be nothing you can do to stop them." 

Mother brushed Luna's mane and held her chin up with a hoof. "It is in those moments that you must learn to stand taller than ever before, Luna." 

She then lifted my chin. "It is those moments where you must smile your widest so that others may not frown, my dear Celestia."

She then let our chins go, only we didn't let them fall.

"Remember to stay strong, you two. Not just for yourselves, but for each other."

I nodded, but noticed that Luna didn't do the same, as if something was on her mind.

"You're leaving tonight, aren't you?"

I jolted my head over to face Luna, then back to Mother. Her expression went from warm to stoic.

She's leaving?! And Luna knew and didn't tell me?!

"You... you can't be leaving now! You promised you'd stay for one more day!"

"I'm sorry, sweeties. We've spent all the time we could with you, but we absolutely must depart tonight, and can't stay any longer."

No! No, they can't leave! We'll... we'll be alone with Meanbeard and all the stuffy servants!

"Please, don't go!" My cheeks felt wet as tears began falling. 

She sighed. "Celestia, if we could stay, we would. But this meeting with the griffons is really important for maintaining peaceful relations with them, and we can't afford to miss it.

"I know this is hard for you to accept, my eldest. But this must be done for the greater good of Equestria's relations with Gryphonia." Mother cast her head off to the side for a moment before returning to us. "I promise thee both, we will return as soon as we can."

A knock at the door came. "Queen Aura? I'm afraid it's time to go. The king's waiting at the chariot."

"Just one more moment," she answered before turning back to us. "I won't leave my children sopping wet and shivering like this. Let's get you two dried off and tucked in."


~Starswirl~


"Agh! Too hot! Too hot!"

Why didn't I just heat the water myself? Now she's making me into pony stew!

"Oh, quit your blubberin'! This water's not even boiling."

"Says the pony who's dumping it on me while I--AAAGH--boil like a potato!"

I had enough, and leaped out of the tub. I shook my body as much as I could to cool my coat, not caring in the slightest that some of this dreadful water landed on her.

The maid rolled her azure eyes. "Well, at least you're not freezing anymore, right? And you're welcome for the hot water, by the way."

I grunted and kept shaking, before realising that I shook a bit too much water out, and my legs began shaking from the cold.

Great, freeze or burn. Which is it, Swirl?

Neither. "E-Excuse me, miss, but do you have any colder water?"

She looked at me as if I'd just asked the dumbest question in the world. "Why don't you just use that snow magic of yours? Odds are I'll clearly bring you water that's too cold, Goldilocks."

Wow, compared to a picky children's book character. That's a whole new level of low blows.

I considered an insult or some witty retort, but that seemed likely to spur another fearsome foe. That's the last thing I needed considering I had two on my hooves already.

You're considering children as formidable foes now? Okay, that's a new low of self-insults.

I gritted my teeth. "I'm sorry. I... I don't trust my magic tonight. So, please."

She stood there, contemplating my freezing frame for a moment. I caught the faintest trace of a smirk on her face. She knew she had me at my mercy.

It felt like a year had passed before she responded with a gentle, forgiving smile. "Apology accepted. I'll get another bucket."

And in a small puff of dust, she was gone.


~~~


"Are you ready to go, Aura?"

"I am, Tidus... You should have said goodbye too, you know."

"You know how I feel about goodbyes. I don't like them. I don't like leaving the impression that we'll be gone for good."

"But what if--"

"We won't be, Aura. I fully intend on seeing my daughters alive and well. You should think the same."

"...And what about Starswirl?"

"I told him about our plans. He deserved the truth before we left."

"He knew we were going to leave earlier than we said, didn't he?"

"Somewhat. He had his suspicions since the show, but kept them reserved, close to his chest, as it were."

"Then he's now aware of--"

"Yes, though he's strongly voiced his concerns in the event that it happens."

"And what did you tell him, Tidus?"

"That we have safeguards set in place. Safeguards that long existed before he came here. He needed not the extra worry."

"You didn't tell him that we altered the safeguards though."

"...I learned from the best. Now, shall we get going?"

“Yes, de--eugh!”

“Hm? Is something wrong, Aura?”

"What's that smell?"

"It's nothing, dear."

"It's not nothing, Tidus! Your breath stinks. Did you eat the radishes again?"

"...maybe. Just one before we left. No big deal, right?"

"Just one? You still have more on you! I can smell them right now!"

"N-No, I don't have any! No, don't touch me! I swear I--uh..."

"...you're a terrible liar, Tidus."

"Only to you! Please, don’t throw them out of the--"

“Too late, dear.“

“Aw… I’m going to miss those…”

> 5. Starswirl the Sous-chef
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Starswirl the Sous-chef


Tidus and Aura departed last night for the sovereign lands of Gryphonia. How I know this is simple; Tidus told me himself about their earlier departure plans.

I could see on their faces that Celestia and Luna also got the news last night. They were slowly munching away at their bowls of sweet oats at the table this morning, lacking their usual enthusiasm and vigor.

As I sat with a bowl of freshly-sliced fruit in front of me, my thoughts lingered heavily on how much Tidus hid from me until now. I took a small apple slice into my mouth, nursing it tenderly.

A border dispute, he had called it. The bordering towns to Gryphonian lands ransacked and burned. I don't doubt the gravity of the situation, but it still seems wrong. Why would the griffons attack Equestria? It's sheer and utter nonsense.

"Starswirl?"

I gulped, swallowing my mashed apple and setting my thoughts aside. "Yes, Princess Luna?"

"I... I'm not feeling up for a lesson today."

I looked upon her for a moment, then turned to face Celestia. "You feel the same, I take it?" A brief nod.

Understandable, but I should still do something so that they don't dwell on this the whole day.

"Then how about we go on a field trip?"

Celestia's ears perked up. "A field trip?"

"Mmhmm. Just the three of us. No maids or servants or musty castle. Just us heading off to, say, the swimming hole just outside of town?"

"Swimming? But we can fly!" Luna piped up.

"Ah, but my dear Luna, flights of fancy are very different from swimming in relaxing waters." I brushed away her objection with a hoof. "Surely you don't mean to say that you've never swam before, have you?"

I might as well have told an ill-timed joke at a funeral for all the awkward silence I received in response.

"...you're kidding. Your parents never took you out swimming?"

Another long silence before Celestia responded, "No."

Oh gods. How long have these two been cooped up in this castle and the gardens?... Or had Tidus and Aura simply not taken them out yet? I hope that's the case, but now...

"Well then, I think today's a great day to go! Trust me, it'll be fun!"

"Why? Have you gone swimming before, Starswirl?" Celestia asked.

I scoffed. "Pff, I used to be in the water so much ponies mistook me for an aqua pony!"

Giggles from both of them. Good, I'm getting through.

"Believe me when I say that swimming is an experience you'll never forget... for better or worse..."

"What was that?"

"N-Nothing, Celestia. So, what do you two say?"

The sisters locked their eyes, seemingly forming a bridge to come to their consensus, leaving me to my own devices for a moment.

Wait, if they agree, how am I even going to get them out of here? If they've never left the castle, then odds are there's guards to ensure that they stay within the borders... and I just told them about a trip outside the walls, so it's going to be--

"Yes! We will go!" Luna declared with a gleam in her eye. Celestia mirrored her younger's spirit with a radiant smile.

Congrats, Swirl. You really rammed yourself into a corner this time. Oh well, as the Pegasi say: "Sometimes you’ve got to wing it."


~~~


Needless to say, but breakfast moved at a much faster rate since I brought up the swimming trip. I told the sisters to bring whatever they wanted for entertainment, though I personally recommended a large ball if they had one.

Meanwhile, I thought that we'd have lunch out there, so I took the path to the kitchen to procure some salad ingredients. I hoped it was empty again, though considering my last visit, that seemed doubtful.

And yet even my expectations betrayed me. I didn't expect to see her again so soon.

Her name was Winter Spring. A curious name, and one that I could have interpreted for hours on end. 

Yet the look I gave her after hearing her name caused her to laugh it off. "Don't bother trying to give it meaning. I've heard so many by now!"

If she insists. I already had ten interpretations ready, but whatever.

"Oh, good morning Starswirl! Still bitter about last night's bath?"

I grumbled. "No, I'm not. Just came in here for a few things."

"Hm? Didn't you have breakfast with the princesses this morning?"

"I did, and I want to prepare some lunch for a picnic later out in the gardens."

A half-truth of sorts. Maybe she'll buy it.

"A picnic, huh? Your funeral if they release the animals again."

In the blink of an eye, she gathered a few assorted fruits and vegetables and packed them into a saddlebag, along with some cutlery and a frying pan.

When did she learn to move so fast, anyway? Granted, she's an Earth pony, but I've never seen one move so qui--

"I take it you're going to prepare it fresh, right?" She stopped in front of me, saddlebag in hoof.

"Gah!" I jumped back a bit; she got a little too close for comfort. "O-O-Of course." I smiled sheepishly.

She gave me a look. "You do know how to cook, right?"

No, you don't. She'd always cooked for you.

That doesn't make me helpless! I have some skills!

"I do... sort of. I’ve had some practice with knifework before while I was part of a traveling caravan. You know, as part of one of our magic tricks."

She tilted her head. Another look, this time of concern. "So… you haven't cooked with pots or pans?"

I waved a hoof. "Haven't needed to. I normally eat raw foods anyway."

"And you think the princesses will conform to your tastes? Do you even know what they like to eat?"

Uh-oh. She's got a point, Swirl. Are you going to admit it?

I thought back to breakfast. "Sweetened oats?"

Nope, you're going to squirm. This won't last long.

"For breakfast, sure, but do you even know what their favorite lunches are? Or their dinner? How about dessert?"

I brushed the back of my head with a hoof before sighing in defeat. "...no."

"I thought as much." She brushed some of her auburn hair to the side as she walked past me, close enough so that her coat rubbed against mine. "It can't be helped then. I'm going with you to make sure they get something decent in their bellies."

Danger! Danger! Too close for comfort! Evasive maneouvers!

I jumped away from her a bit to give myself a bit of space and time to gather myself. "What? No, it's just a picnic in the gardens! We don't need any frou-frou food for that!" I stomped the floor with my hooves.

"frou-frou" was a bad term to use, because I made her quite angry. "Now who said that my food I'm going to make for them is frou-frou? Since when are cucumber sandwiches fancy?!"

...wait, did she say--

"Cucumber... sandwiches?"

"Need I repeat myself? Yes, cucumber sandwi--"

In a brief moment, I embraced her. I thought I'd never hear those words again!

"Wha-What are you doing?!"

I think you're the one getting too close for comfort now, Swirl.

I let go of her and took a few steps back. "Sorry, sorry... It's just been a very long time since I've had one of those."

"Is that so?" She raised a curious eyebrow. "Do you know how to make them?"

“Hah, ‘do I know’? Those sandwiches are my bread and butter!... so to speak. And now that I know they like them, I got this in the bag!” I declared confidently.

“Really, even though you haven’t had them in a very long time?” Her gaze seemed to question my very foundations on how to even make a basic sandwich. “Do you even know the proper thickness of the bread?”

I paused, my mouth agape. “Uh…”

“How about the perfect way to layer the cucumbers?”

“Well, you see--”

“The exact amount of mayonnaise and the precise amount of black pepper?”

“I don’t even make mine with pepper!”

“Then even if you could make these sandwiches for the sisters, they wouldn’t be to their standards! Do you see now?”

Sheesh, I thought the sandwiches were simple enough. I didn’t know there was a formula I had to follow and that my sandwiches were subpar without it.

Then again, I never could quite make them like she did.

I slumped my shoulders in defeat. “You’ve made your point.”

I expected her to gloat, or ream me for my incompetence. Instead, she baffled me yet again.

“Well, now that you know, how about you help make some with me?”


~Luna~


"Sister, where's the big ball?" I asked, creeping low to the ground and checking under our drawers and beds.

"I don't know," Tia replied, gliding above me in a circular motion as she looked around the room.

That ball's got to be in here! How are we missing it?!

"Tia, is there any chance that it left the room?"

A pause. "Um... maybe?"

I stopped my search, and looked upward. She had a hoof to her chin in thought. 

What did she mean by that?

"...Tia, sister, where's the ball?"

"It's kinda... sorta... in Rampart's cage." She smiled sheepishly.

My eyes couldn't be any wider. "You left it with the rhino?!"

"Well, he liked playing with it! So I left it in the cage for the next time I visited him!"

Face met hoof. Just when I thought my sister couldn't be dumber...

"And now we've made him angry. He's probably not going to give us that ball easily, you know."

"Then should we get Meanbeard to intimidate him into hoofing it over?"

A smile creased my face as I imagined the encounter, but I brushed it aside. "No, Tia. He promised us a field trip, so the last thing he'll want is any delays. We have to get the ball ourselves."

Tia landed next to me, downtrodden for her mistake, but nodded as we left the room to head for the animal enclosure.

"Pray tell, how did you think you could manage that when you can’t even break free of my magical grasp?" His words echoed in my head.

We'll show you, Meanbeard. We're not so helpless anymore.


~Starswirl~


"Bread."

I hoofed her a loaf of white bread she'd set on the counter. Baked earlier this morning, the fumes permeated the kitchen with a fresh, warming scent I hardly noticed until I got close to the source. Relaxing, soothing, and just downright pleasant.

I’m not sure why, but time seemed to move slower in the kitchen ever since we started making the cucumber sandwiches. Winter moved with this ethereal flow of speed as if she’d always worked in a kitchen her entire life… or at the very least this one. 

“Cucumbers.”

I handed her the slices--peeled, cut wafer-thin and lightly dusted with salt. "It brings out the flavor," she said when I asked her about the salt minutes earlier. I never had mine with salt, but I had to remind myself that these sandwiches were for the princesses, not me.

She'd already prepared the bread: white, crustless, and a thin layer of mayo dressing one side of each piece. A dusting of black pepper left dark speckles dotting the bread slice; a well-appreciated touch of spice.

I was thankful that my knifework kept at her pace in preparing the cucumbers. I didn't know if she was impressed; she never acknowledged it as we worked.

Chop chop chop

The motions looked foreign but felt familiar, a far cry to a time when they weren’t so foreign. The caravan had thirty-plus ponies traveling in it, and food was rationed carefully the whole time. My mentor and I always sought to make sure none starved, and these sandwiches quickly became a caravan favorite. Whether they actually liked them or not, we had no complaints either way.

"No, that's too thick. Thinner, please."

I took the slice back and halved it, quickly dusting the new slice with salt before handing both pieces back to Winter.

That was the tenth slice she sent back. She's got standards much higher than I knew of, and it irritated me a bit. I certainly didn't get a returned sandwich in the caravan if a few pieces were too thick. 

I was in no position to complain, though; somehow I had a feeling it was worth listening to her, at least for now. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

"So, any reason you're taking them out on a picnic instead of a lesson today?"

I nearly cut a slice too thick at her sudden question. "Oh, well, haven't you heard? The king and queen left last night, and those two aren't taking it well."

She noticed my slight hesitation. "You're not either, sounds like."

"...no, I'm not."

"Why? They leave too early for you to quit like the other tutors?"

"What? No, I intend to stay for..."

I stopped dead. How long was I going to stay here? Initially I planned on staying the month, at least, but after what Tidus told me, things have changed. What if they didn't come back in that time? What if... what happens if they--

"--wirl? Starswirl!"

Winter's voice cut through my thoughts like... well, her knife through a prepared sandwich as she neatly sliced it into four triangles.

"Sorry. A month. At-At least a month. Maybe longer."

"Seriously?" She contemplated my answer for a moment before bumping a hoof against my shoulder. "You've got more guts than I thought, Starswirl."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I do."

"Now, hoof me some more slices. These sandwiches aren't gonna make themselves."


~Celestia~


“Rampart? Are you awake?”

Luna’s hoof shot to my mouth. “Tia! What are you doing?!”

I brushed her hoof aside and spoke more quietly, “I’m checking to see if he’s awake. Duh.”

“We’re supposed to be stealthy! Rampart is angry at us!”

“And I think he’ll just get madder if we’re trespassing without his knowledge.”

She groaned, dragging a hoof down her face. “Just follow me and keep quiet. The sooner we get this ball, the sooner we get to leave.”

I nodded, and let Luna lead me onward. Rampart’s enclosure was spacious and littered with hay, some of it in large piles. They were great for hiding in if you could tolerate the smell. Luna couldn’t, so she swung wide around them. I, on the other hoof, could walk a bit closer to them, but not much further than my sister.

Rampart was resting on one of the piles of hay in the far corner. Legs up in the air, he kicked every so often as if he were chasing something. I knew he was happy because of this goofy grin on his face, but I wasn’t smiling. He was probably chasing after us in his dreams after what we did to him not long ago.

He snorted, and the both of us took shelter behind one of the hay piles. I held my breath; Luna forgot to as she choked on the air. I drew her away from the pile of hay so she could breathe.

“T-Thanks, Tia,” Luna said as she caught her breath. I nodded, remembering she wanted us to keep quiet.

A few more haystacks later, and the ball was finally in sight, resting near his drinking pool. I pointed to it with a hoof, and Luna’s horn glowed, lifting the ball slowly up into the air. Slow, slow, steady as it went, the ball floated over to us, and I had to repress a jump and a cheer at our success.

“Great job, Lulu.”

Now all we had to do was walk back and--

SQUEAK-YYY

--pray that I didn’t step on his squeaky toy.


~Starswirl~


We made too many sandwiches. Instead of feeding a gathering of three, we could feed the entire castle staff, over fifty, and still have enough for maybe twenty guards.

My hooves ached from cutting what had to have been a quarter of the cucumber stores. I braced myself against the center counter, struggling to keep myself standing as my breathing struggled to keep a controlled pace.

Winter was similarly exhausted, and kept making spreading motions with her hoof as she rested on the other side of the center counter. Her breathing was much steadier than mine though.

"Huff... How... how many did we make again?" I asked.

"At least a hundred fifty."

"That's... at least a hundred forty more than what I need for the picnic."

A weak chuckle escaped my lips, followed by hers. The chuckling grew into full-blown laughter as we both collapsed on the floor. For the time, I didn't care if I couldn't breathe.

It took a few moments for our laughter to cease enough for me to get to my hooves. As I braced myself on the counter and marveled the immense platter of sandwiches, I noticed a jar sitting next to it. Feeling slightly giddy, I made my way to the jar.

"What-what's this?" I said as I opened it.

I didn't know what was in it, but I registered one word, one thought in my head: regret.

My face burned, hotter than the searing water Winter brought for my bath. Tears involuntarily flew out of my eyes in a torrent, and breathing? I might as well have had cinnamon jammed in my nostrils.

"Starswirl!" Winter dragged me away from the jar before holding her breath and closing the lid. Turning back to me, tears in her eyes, she yelled, "What were you thinking?!"

"I wasn't!" I cried as I grasped my face.

"Obviously! That jar had Dragon's Breath in it!"

"Dragon's Breath?!" Fire stored in a jar? What sorcery is this?!

"Yes, Dragon's Breath. Also called Tartarus Radishes," she clarified, to my mild relief.

Okay, so it's not fire... wait, radishes did this?! Who grew them, a sadistic farmer?

Finally, my face began to cool off and I stopped shedding tears. I dried my face as best I could before eyeing the jar in fear.

"Who even EATS those things?" I asked.

"The king.” I gave her an incredulous look as she continued, “I’m not quite sure how he can tolerate them, but he loves them. Supposedly their taste is to die for.”

“To die for? They already blind you and burn your face just for getting near them! Honestly, if a food’s trying that hard not to be eaten, I’d rather leave it alone!"

As I rose to my hooves, Winter took that time to dry her face before she said, "Well, at least you learned of it now, right?"

"Oh yeah. Stay away from evil radishes, got i--"

Before I could finish, a piercing scream hit our ears, and it didn’t belong to any of the staff members. There were only two I knew who could hit octaves that high.

I sprinted out of the kitchen, not even bothering to level an explanation to Winter. Not that I needed to, because she caught up with me shortly and wore a look of determination on her face.

What did those two get into now?!


~Celestia~


CLANG

The bars of Rampart's cage hummed as he struck the wall, barely missing Luna and I. She no longer held onto the ball, and both of us ran towards the gate as fast as we could.

Never again! I'm never gonna make Rampart mad again! He's scarier than Meanbeard!

Loud thuds splayed my ears back as Rampart freed himself and charged us again. I looked back and saw his horn coming closer, closer, close--

"Sister, watch out!"

A deep blue blur shoved me out of the way as Luna and I barely avoided another charge. He still got some of my tail hair; I felt his razor-sharp horntip shred clean through it.

However, Luna's hit knocked me to the ground and off my hooves, and I didn't hear Rampart hit the bars. I scrabbled over behind one of the stacks of hay, and kept still.

Huffs and snorts. Rampart didn't see either of us, or he would have yelled and charged again. I quietly rose to my hooves and peeked around the hay, seeing Rampart's flank not far in front of me.

He turned, and I hid again, keeping as silent as I could. His steps thudded and shook the cage as he stomped around in frustration. It was then that I caught a glimpse of Luna's mane behind a stack of hay in front of me. 

Good, she's safe too.

Rampart snorted, and I heard him drag a hoof on the floor. In a flash, he ran by the hay I hid behind, and went for--

"Luna! Run!"

My sister leaped too late. Rampart caught her with his shoulder and sent her flying off to his side. She desperately tried to stabilize herself but hit the bars, and fell to the ground in a daze.

"Sister!" I screamed as I ran toward her, but Rampart wasn't finished. He turned to aim for Luna again, and he wasn't going to miss.

No! I-I won't make it in time!

He charged. I stopped and closed my eyes, feeling pressure building in my horn.

There was no sound of Rampart hitting the cage. His hooves did not stomp on the floor anymore. All was quiet for a moment before Luna spoke to me.

"Tia, look!"

I opened my eyes. Luna was off to my side, safe and sound. But as happy as I was to see her, it wasn't my only surprise.

Rampart was floating in the air, flailing his legs as helplessly as I did. No longer angry, he seemed confused as he floated in the air, whimpering and groaning.

I... I did it. I did it!

I jumped for joy at my victory. While Luna didn't share my happiness, she levitated the ball near her as I celebrated.

"Sister, I hate to cut your victory short, but we need to go."

I stopped jumping. "Go on ahead, Lulu. Rampart and I need to talk."

Luna stared at me for a moment before looking back up at Rampart. She nodded as she made her way to the exit. I slowly floated Rampart closer to me, and he shook in fear from being lifted up like this.

I placed a hoof at his side. "I'm sorry, Rampart. I didn't mean to make you upset two days ago."

He grunted, and I said, "I know Luna gets on your nerves, but you know how she gets sometimes. Still, I want you to forgive her. You gave her quite the scare today, and I don't think she'll want to mess with you anymore."

He rolled his eye and moaned, and I giggled. "Thanks, Rampart. I'll bring you some fresh greens the next time I visit, okay? And I'll make sure Luna stays far away this time."

I nuzzled his face, and let the levitation magic disappear. Rampart looked at me and smiled before returning to his bed and plopping down in it, eager to resume his rest.

I walked outside the cage and closed it behind me. When I turned around, Luna was waiting, along with Meanbeard and... one of the servants?

"You two have got a lot of explaining to do."

"Aw... can't it wait until after we go swimming?" Luna asked.

Suddenly, the servant jerked her head to the side to face Meanbeard. "Swimming? I thought you said they were having a picnic in the gardens!"

"W-W-Well, you see--"

"We're going on a picnic too?!" I exclaimed.

"Yes! Sort of! Just... not... here..." Meanbeard squeaked out as the servant began turning a deep shade of red.

"U-Uh, if you're going to hit me, don't do it in front of the children!" He gestured to us, and she looked.

Luna and I shared a glance. We both smiled, covered our ears and turned away so we didn't see or hear anything.

We still heard it.

> 6. Starswirl the Scrubber
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Starswirl the Scrubber


I once thought the intense cold of the North stung the hardest.

No longer. I could safely say that Winter's hoof was the most formidable force of nature I had ever felt upon my face. And she didn't even hit me with everything she had. She didn't need to.

Luna and Celestia weren’t any help either. They just smiled that wicked smile of theirs and turned around to pretend as if nothing happened! Just when I thought I was getting through to them, they turn around and prove their worth as the little deviants I knew from the first day onward.

Can’t blame them for being consistent.

As much as I wanted to exercise some proper payback, I had a new problem on my hooves, and it was one I had brought upon myself. I should have seen it coming, honestly. Lies tended to come full-circle; it was just a matter of when they came.

"Seriously, taking those two on a field trip outside the castle?! Are you mad, Starswirl?" Winter huffed.

"No! I just thought they needed something to distract them from the fact that their parents left last night!" I retorted as I rubbed my rapidly reddening cheek.

"That doesn't mean the first thing you should do is take them outside the walls the second their mother and father are gone!"

"Well, what else am I supposed to do? They're clearly not in the mood for lessons, so I'd rather just give them a day of fun instead! Is that so hard to do in this castle without these two getting in trouble all the time?”

Winter searched for a response, but conceded my point by throwing her head to the side.

Starswirl: 1  Winter: 1

“Hey!” Luna’s voice broke our engagement as we turned our heads to face her and Celestia.

“What are you two doing out here anyway? Didn’t I tell you two to go get your things for the trip?” I asked.

"We were! But you said to bring a big ball, and I left it in Rampart's cage," Celestia said.

"Rampart?"

"The rhino?"

"It's a pet?!"

"You didn't know it was a pet?" Winter asked.

"Why did you think it wasn't?" Luna added.

I really hoped it wasn't.

"I thought it would be a one-time thing!"

I sighed, and gathered myself. Okay Swirl, rhino attacks may happen more often than once in your lifetime. No big deal. Just need to be more careful wandering the hallways. Not a problem at all.

"Nevermind. What happened in that cage? We heard a scream earlier."

"That was me," Celestia answered. "We kind of made Rampart angry snooping around looking for the ball."

"Angry? Are either of you hurt?"

"Luna got hit, but I'm fine."

In a flash, Winter moved next to Luna. "Sorry to intrude, princess, but I need to check for any injuries." Luna at first resisted, but nodded, and Winter set to work.

"I see." My gaze returned to Celestia. "Well, at least you two are still alive. Thank the gods for that."

Still baffling they survived a rhino, though. Then again, that one pony took it to his rump and lived, and seemed to be better off for it… I think.

Never discuss him again.

Winter finished her assessment. “Looks like you’re fine, Luna. Nothing more than some bruises near the base of the wings, surprisingly.”

“Whew, in that case, so long as we’re careful the trip to th--” I cut myself short as she returned her burning gaze to me.

“You are not taking these two outside these walls!”

“Oh yeah? And who’s gonna stop me?”

“Why you…! If the king and queen were here, I’d--”

I grinned, and she her words caught in her throat. “They’re not. Therefore, field trip. One way or another, they’re going.”

Winter looked over at Luna and Celestia, and I swore the pouty faces they gave her would melt her clean into her last name. She sighed, slumping her shoulders in defeat. However, she still had a tinge of defiance left as she looked upon me not with rage, but with bitter curiosity.

“Fine. You insist on taking these two out? I can’t stop you, but the guards can. Exactly how do you plan on getting those two outside the castle? The guards on the ground have strict orders to keep them within the walls at all times, and the pegasi patrolling the skies ensure they don’t fly off either!”

Have I made any progress on that problem? ...Nope, still haven't.

“I… will admit I didn’t think that far when I first told them about it."

"What?! You mean you promised us a trip outside when you don't even have a way for us to leave?"

I sighed. "Yes, Luna. I did, but that doesn't mean I'm going back on my promise now."

C'mon, Starswirl, think! There has to be something I can do to get them past the guards without them being spotted. Invisibility's out of the question, and any container big enough to hold a filly they'll probably search thoroughly. So... how?

"...well, there is one way..."

Celestia and Luna's gaze diverted away from me, and onto Winter.

"Winter, you have something in mind?" I asked.

"Well, I'm not really sure if this will work, but if you really want to, then..."

"Yes. I'll take whatever chances I need to."

She approached me and whispered into my ear. As she explained her idea, my mouth opened, widened, then I clenched my teeth into a smile. A wider smile. My eyes fell to the princesses, looks of anxiety clear on their faces.

I like--no, I love this plan.


~~~


"Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

"What kind of question is that? We're the castle gate guards. If we don't get looks, that worries me more."

My companion sighed. "You know what I meant."

"No, I don't. What were you driving at?"

"Ugh, you're such a thickhead, Brick. I was trying to say that something just... feels wrong today."

I raised an eyebrow before chuckling. "Check your straps. You probably did them too tight again."

"Not my armor! I mean, can't you feel it in the air?"

"Like I said, check your straps. You're probably have a hard time breathing, and it's causin' all these loose thoughts in your head right now."

"No no! I mean, it just feels different now that the king and queen are gone."

I shook my head. Rookie.

"You get used to it. We perimeter guards don't get to see the king and queen often. But we don't let that bother our jobs none."

"I know, I know. It's just, that's the first time I've seen them so close."

I looked at her quizzically for one second before laughing. "Hah! Don't tell me you were smitten with the king!"

"No! Are you crazy? I wouldn't dare!"

"You best not. Tidus may not lift a hoof often in discipline, but believe me when I say that when he lifts, he hits. Hard." I tapped my armor in various places, each spot carrying a dent or divot. "This is his hoofwork."

"Whoa." She was genuinely surprised. "The king did that?"

"Yep. He was right mad that day. About what, I dared not ask. It was neither my place to nor a wise idea."

"Then why did he hit you?"

"Not me. Just my armor. After what he did to it, I'm thankful that I wasn't in it."

I brushed away a bit of dirt near my hooves. "I can't say I didn't know what caused his anger, though."

"You knew?"

I chuckled. "No, but I had a good idea. He smelled of sugar, and his movements were a bit more rigid than usual."

"Hmm... Syrup?" I nodded. "Wow, how much?"

"Hmph, enough to cover up that foul breath of his."

Suddenly, our conversation was interrupted as Starswirl and one of the servants approached. Both of them were carrying a rucksack on a stick, and the servant two more saddlebags on her sides.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

"Afternoon, Starswirl! Still alive in the castle, I see."

He shrugged. "What can I say? Your little warning a few days ago had some merit to it."

"Right. And who's your little marefriend there? Already flirting with the staff, Starswirl?"

"Excuse me, but we're not like that! Not even close!" the servant retorted.

I shrugged, but I still had a job to do. "If you insist, lady. But enough banter. I'm going to have to check those bags."

"Yeah... you might not want to do that."

I narrowed my eyes. "...Starswirl, are you telling me to not do my job?"

"No. I'm just giving you a warning. I took yours to heart, and I'm just hoping you'll do the same."

"Advice does not outweigh a direct order from the king, Starswirl. Place your bags on the ground and step away from them."

He smirked. "If you insist." Both he and his companion set their bags down and stepped away.

Okay, there's definitely something fishy going on here. If he's trying to do what I think he is, there's no way I'm letting him through.

"Recruit, check the small bags. I'll check the larger ones."

There had to be something to this. He's a magician, so surely he's pulling some ridiculous trick right now. But I saw no illusion field anywhere, and as my eyes darted to the bushes near the gates, I detected no movement.

Maybe there is nothing. Still, time to check these ba--

As I opened one, my thoughts froze in place as a concentrated odor flooded my nose, eyes and face completely. It was like the king's breath, only multiplied in strength a hundred-fold.

"Ye gods!" was all I could scream before I fell back, clutching my face in my hooves.

The recruit dragged me away. I could feel her hooves on me, pulling me away before her voice became defensive. I'm thankful my ears still worked.

"What did you do to him?!"

"I warned him not to check, but he insisted."

"Then what's in those bags?!"

"Tartarus Radishes, miss," came a different feminine voice, most likely the maid's. "They're the king's favorite snack, and unfortunately these have spoiled. The stench only goes stronger the longer they sit, so we're dumping them outside the castle grounds."

This explained a lot of things to me. I had always wondered what had irritated me whenever the produce vendor came by, and now I knew. Still, to think the king could eat those bedeviled things!

The burning sensation in my face soon subsided, allowing me to stand. I knew my face was red, but I didn't care. As soon as I stood, the recruit turned to face me.

"Brick, sir, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I shook my head a bit to clear some of the numbness from my cheeks. "It... It seems you had made your point, Starswirl. Those are plenty rotten, and I won't check them again."

I reached for my spear leaning against the gate, and tapped it on the ground. "You may pass."

I still had my eyes closed, but I could sense the smile on his lips. "Thanks... Brick, was it?"

"Yes, now go! I have a face to mend, you know."

"Very well. Come, Winter. The sooner we dispose of these, the better."

That was the last I heard of him as he walked past us. I swear he swung the bag of radishes near my face, but with my eyes still recovering, I couldn't be sure.

"Um... sir? You could have had me check the bags."

I turned my head toward her. "And subject you to that torture? Why on earth would I do that?"

"Well, they just didn't bother me as much as you. And you insisted on checking those."

I groaned, and finally managed to open my eyes. As I did, I heard a deafening crunch as the recruit bit into a sandwich.

"...what are you eating?"

"Cucumber sandwich. And it's delicious! The maid gave one to me before she left, saying she had made a ton of these in the kitchen!"

I saw the look in her eyes. She wanted to get some more. I shrugged. "Go on, get some more. Bring me a few as well."

"Of course, sir!" she said as she ran off on three legs, sandwich still in hoof.


~Starswirl~


Dear gods, that actually worked!

As soon as we were clear of the guards, I gasped for air. Despite everything, I found it hard to breathe as we snuck Luna and Celestia out of the castle walls, neatly tucked into the bags with the radishes. It was an insane gambit, but I was fairly certain the only one more insane than us was the king for eating them.

“I can’t believe that worked.”

"You can't? Even though you took a point-blank radish scent to the face?"

I didn't hide my smirk. "Well, I had doubts in that the guard would still see Luna, but I had complete faith in its success the second he collapsed."

She smiled, but that faded to a concerned look. "Glad you thought my plan worked... but..."

"But what?"

"Well, how are we going to get them back in?"

She didn't think this through all the way either? That makes two of us.

"I'll think of something. Don't worry."


~~~


After the brief exchange at the gate, Winter and I made our way to the lake just outside the town. The thick tree borders of the Everbound took some time to walk through; the path through them twists and turns more than the steepest mountain pass. It’s a wonder in and of itself that trade caravans even make it through these woods.

Not really. The king and queen live here. They make it somehow, some way. These radishes exist, remember?

I hear a cough come from Winter’s bag. Celestia couldn’t hold it, which made me fear for Luna. I hadn’t heard a peep from her ever since we left the woods. 

“Is this a good spot?” Winter asked as she pointed at a lone tree on a hill overlooking the lake.

“It’s perfect,” I replied. “But first…”

I set my sack down and opened it. Careful to keep my face away, I dumped the contents out on the grassy field. Luna tumbled out amid the mini avalanche of radishes, and the first thing she did was run away from them as she gasped for air.

I couldn’t repress my laughter. This was the best thing that happened to me this week by far.

Winter did the same with her bag, and Celestia rolled out and sprawled out on the grassy field, also gasping for air. She didn’t run off like her sister, however.

My laughter refused to cease. I could barely hear Winter's giggles over my own voice.

A full minute passed before I found myself gasping for breath like the sisters. Luna had gotten her second wind first, and began to speak.

"Never again! We will never do that again, right sister?!" Celestia, still getting her wind, meekly nodded in response.

"I... I imagined as much," I managed to croak out.

I looked away from the gasping princesses and saw Winter near the tree, setting the saddlebags down at the base and starting to unpack them. She brought all the things one would expect of a picnic: cloth, napkins, plates, and of course the sandwiches. She set them out with unbridled dexterity and swiftness, entrancing me with her fluid movement.

A white hoof waved in front of my face. "Yoohoo, Starswirl!" I snapped my gaze downward to see Celestia, mostly recovered and stinking of radishes. "So, where's the lake?"

"Yes, where is it? I really must wash this awful smell out of my mane," Luna added behind me.

"Right. Come along, you two. It's just over the hill where Winter is setting up for the picnic."

Our walk was quick, but not silent. They still kept coughing from the cloying odor; the cost of a foolproof escape certainly isn't clean.

And there it was: Lake Meade. The water was clean and clearer than a cloudless sky. One could easily see the bottom; I briefly wondered if moonlight gave the same clarity.

I'll pen that into my schedule later. Could be worth a lesson.

The shores were mostly empty, though well-worn from many a hoofstep. Local fauna treated it as a watering hole; a few deer could be spotted nearby partaking in the lake's bounty.

I looked back to Celestia and Luna. They absorbed the surroundings, though probably without as much awe as I expected. That was understandable; they still stunk, after all.

"Can we please go in the lake?" Luna asked, her eyes pleading.

"Go on, I'll watch from the sh--"

Before I finished, two blurs shot past my peripherals toward the lake. The deer fled to the forest at the sound of stamping hooves as Celestia and Luna raced to the lake.

I’ll bet this is the most desired bath of their lifetime.

With a definite splash, the sisters leaped into the water without further delay. Seconds passed before they resurfaced, smiles on their faces as the radish scent washed off of them.

Almost. They dove in again after I saw their noses wrinkle, and I suppressed a chuckle or two.

I hope Winter packed a bar of soap, or else these two will be a while.

"Those two are having fun, aren't they?"

I jumped at her voice. "What? Oh, yes. 'Fun' is an interesting word to use given how desperate they're cleaning themselves right now."

"They do know that rinsing won't completely get rid of the smell, right?"

I shrugged. "I know that. Not sure if they do, but it's funny to see them panic like this."

Not that I need a reminder. It happened not even a half-hour ago.

“So, how was your swim?”

"It was terrible! I still stink!" Luna yelled.

"Me too! Starswirl, can't you do anything?" Celestia whined.

I could. Cleaning magic does exist for Unicorns; I learned it soon after earning my first tomato to the face after I botched my very first magic act. But it's not perfect, and doesn't beat a bath in terms of cleanliness.

Do you really want to hear them complain for this entire trip?

I didn't. "Well, I do know a spell that will help... but you're not going to like it. Are you sure you want to learn it?"

"If it gets rid of this smell, then yes!" Luna said.

Is that desperation I hear? How quickly the tables turn when the filthy wish to be clean.

"Very well. First, think back to the levitation spell. Remember the aura the spell projects onto an object?" They nodded. "Good. Now, try to imagine that aura as a fine brush to your coat, one that grabs every speck of dirt caught in it down to your skin."

I focused magic in my horn, and created a cloud of grey magic. It bristled to life with thin, semi-translucent fibres extending outward from the aura; a surefire sign the spell was successful. I brought it down upon my head slowly, and watched the two fillies gasp as it enveloped my face and body.

Tingly was a good way to describe the feeling. Ticklish too, but just a bit. I couldn't resist smiling as the tiny flecks of dirt trapped within my coat were cleanly freed as they floated within my aura.

The tail's the best part for me. It just feels so thorough as the bristles lightly tug at the hairs, untangling any errant strands as they clean. 

When the spell was finished, it had a small mass of dirt inside with some very shiny specks of glitter that I missed when I groomed my beard. 

I neatly dropped the clump to the ground, released my magic, and returned my gaze to a jaw-dropped Celestia and Luna. The next two words out of their mouths made me feel all gooey inside.

"Teach us."