> How I Screwed Up Equestria
>  by Quicksear
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter One.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m Dale Burke, and I’m here to tell you about the time I was stuck in Technicolour. Now, all you guys know what I'm talking about. Otherwise you’re trolling and in that case get the hell out. I’m being serious here, for once. I am going to tell you how NOT to go about meeting an ancient all-powerful magical race of equines, and just how, exactly, I screwed it up for the rest of you.

I’m pretty sure you get the basic idea of what’s gonna go down here…

But I should start at the beginning, shouldn’t I? Uhh, I guess I’ll start with me. A saying that’s been passed down through my family for generations; A Burke by name, a burke by nature, which unfortunately applies very well to my gin-soaked father and even more so to short-tempered introvert me. I’m a five foot ten bundle of raw nerves ready to bring all of my Irish blood right up in your face if you so much as give me the smallest invitation. I’m not biased towards anyone, they’re all idiots, and neither am I racist, I just hate everyone. An ambassador I am not. Now, I’ll tell you how it all started.

I hate Birthdays.

Hate them, I tell you. They are idiotic little ego boosts to weak-minded little sycophants who want to be congratulated for getting one year closer to the grave and parasitically suck money off of their families for one more day of their miserable lives. I also hate all forms of ‘friends’, who don’t turn up after I’ve spent three weeks planning a barbecue on this pathetically special day in my life with all their favourite food and drink under a rented tent that cost me and arm and a leg and a bottle of Guinness to the amusement park security guard. I would have thought all those bastards would have been happy to see me eating into my second decade of uselessness, but noooo, they all had to cancel this morning. Well, not like I really care.

I never needed them anyway.

So it was that I found myself sitting outside the local golf club in the rain that day, sipping on a beer and smiling like a loon as all my birthday decorations melted to nothing around me. Gotta love them Irish summers. A big cardboard number twenty-one washed past me into the gutter, dragging itself miserably down the lane and past and old scruffy pub on the corner.

Now there’s an idea.

On a related note, another tradition passed down through the generations; when angry, upset or sad, drown all these emotions, and preferably the whole spectrum, in a massive flood of booze at the local watering hole until you can neither remember nor care why you were upset in the first place. Pubs. Wonderful things. 

My village had all of forty families who lived there permanently, but six of those families ran pubs. I also lived on the eastern side of town, so it would normally be unimaginable that I’d walk into a western-side pub that Saturday evening. All eyes turned to me in my scrawny glory as I shouted, “Oi, barman! Pint o’ a good stuff, quick as ya like!”

I was surprised to see, upon scanning the staring crowd of middle-aged men and football hooligans, the familiar back of someone’s head. I swaggered over as if I owned the place, nodding familiar-sounding and vain greetings to whoever looked like they might be more violently inclined, before sitting next to the tight-huddled form of one of my ‘friends’.

“Good ta see ya Bobby.”

“Aye, you too, Dale. Bin a while.”

“Aye. So how’s Tammy doin’, then?”

“Fare ‘nough, with child an’ all.”

A silence stretched between us, him leaning away slightly while he fiddled with his lager, me taking gusty swigs of my pint as I watched him carefully. Just as the noise within the pub picked back up to normal levels, I started again. 

“So how’s Darrel and the lads, then?”

“Good as ever, can’t say I’ve talked with ‘em much lately.”

“Oh aye ya have.”

He gave me that scared look of a man caught with his pants down on a cold night. “What d’ya mean, Dale?”

“Why’d non o’ ya turn up fer my party, eh?”

His eyes went wide, and he stopped twisting his glass in his hands. “I’m sorry Dale, it just came at a b-bad time an-“

“Oh fer Christ’s sake, Bobby!” I cried, shoving myself to standing. I waved my mug broadly behind me, nearly beaning the guy behind me in the process, “It’s not even a block away! I could see this pub from the yard ya’know!”

“Well,” He struggled to answer as he stood as well, “It’s not really like ya wanted us ta come anyway, ennit? You hate your stinkin’ birthday, and ya make all of us hate it too!”

“That don’t give ya an excuse,” I growled low, “I always turn up at your’ns birthdays, don’t I?”

“Aye, and ya make ‘em about as fun as funerals, don’t ya?” He snarled back, “Listen, Dale, I get it. Ya don't like people. Ya hate us, ya hate yer family and ya especially hate yerself. But you don’t have to bring all of us down with ya, okay?”

He really did just call me out in front of the whole pub. He’d insulted me, called me a hateful bastard, and worst, he’d make it so I could never go back to that pub again. I reacted with yet another Irish stalwart reaction.

I decked him.

It took about thirty seconds for me to end up outside in the gutter, next to the mashed and crumpled twenty-first sign that had lead me here in the first place. I glared at the disintegrating cardboard and spat some blood from my mouth. “You led me astray, ya paper git.”

The cardboard dissolved completely in shame. 

I struggled up to my feet, noting that the sky was a slightly greyer grey, more like asphalt than slate. It was getting to evening. Great, now I could go back to the golf club lawn with my stolen tent and wasted time…or maybe I should just walk home, it’s barely twenty minutes’ walk anyway.  

Stumbling down the street erratically, I grumbled to myself. The day had been a disaster. I comforted myself with the knowledge that I hadn’t really expected any better. I wiped my mouth once more, pulling a face. Taking on a guy a good stone heavier than me might not have been wise. 

As I was walking down the middle of the street, I noticed a hole in the middle of the road. Did the rain pop a man hole cover again? I didn’t think that was it, sewers and the like don’t glow with an un-earthly light anywhere but Russia. I turned to my left to skirt the weird hole, too lost in my angst to really care about it. I should have cared a little more, though, because If I’d been looking at it straight I might have been able to keep my feet on the road. As it was, I found myself falling through it faster than I dropped out of college. 


*****


I must have hit my head on the way through that hole, because I woke up with a headache so massive that I… I couldn’t actually measure it. It felt like eight hours after mixing everything in the bar with a gallon of gasoline and chugging it in thirty seconds. And then being hit by a bus. And getting my shoes stolen. 

Where the hell were my shoes? I decided to open my eyes in an attempt to solve my cobbler's conundrum. 

THE PAIN!

It was now measurable in gigawatts focused directly into my retinas, it was so damn bright. So in other words, a normal sunny summer day to the rest of the world. I rolled over to hide my head in the dirt and twigs under me. I pulled my old ratty jacket closer and tried to ignore the fact that I was clearly not in a sewer, nor on the cold wet concrete of my hometown’s pavement.

Eventually, the pain subsided, and I decided that it was time to take life by the balls and figure out where I was. I rolled over and looked up again, straight into a bright oversized pair of magenta eyes.

“Heya dude. Got your shoes here.”

No. Fucking. Way. 

Yeah, you know what I saw. At the time I had no bloody clue, but it was in fact a smallish equine hovering on illogically stunted wings. She sported a glaring prismatic mane and an annoying incorrigible smile, and on each of her forelegs hung one of my shoes.

“Hey look!” The hovering apparition joked, “I’m one of you guys!”

Logic dictated I scream in her face. 

“Aaaaaaaargh!”

I looked at her closely once my lungs were empty. Nope, she was stil a powder-blue floating pegasus-thing. I snorted, grabbed my shoes from her hooves and ran away through the apple orchard I found myself in, screaming at the top of my lungs.

“Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuiiiiioooorgh!”

Behind me, Rainbow Dash blinked.

“Huh…Nice chat?”
	
> Chapter Two
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

All across Equestria, it was a pretty normal day. In the streets of Ponyville, ponies walked back and forth, chatting and doing pony things. In the great Library at the heart of town sat a quite familiar purple alicorn. 

Twilight had haphazardly discarded her regalia upon entering her home, tossing her gilded slippers to the four winds, and her crown now sat perilously close to falling at the top of the stairs. It had been a long day, and her many duties had worn on her patience; all she wished to do was curl up beside her fire with a good book, maybe something light, like astrophysics, just to brighten her mood. 

“Spiiike!” She called, flopping onto one of the cushions around her favourite annex. She shuffled her wings uncomfortably as she waited for the reply that didn’t come.

“Uughh…” Twilight slowly dragged herself back to her hooves and lowered her tome on advanced cosmology. With no sound heard, she realized Spike must still be out cleaning up the last little disaster that had dropped in on them. With a long-suffering sigh, the alicorn made her way to the kitchen, wings dragging along the floor in her wake. She made her way lethargically towards the kitchen, intent on at least a cup of tea, if not a sandwich, if one was left in the icebox.

Unfortunately, she got neither, for sitting at her kitchen table was a ruefully smiling Rainbow Dash. “Heya Twi.”

“Rainbow Dash, which window did you break this time, and why are you here?” Twilight asked deadpan. The number of times she’d walked into her kitchen to find one of her friends fiddling with her condiments in the last week had reduced this occasion to nothing more than a mere nuisance. 

“Hey!” Dash cried, bristling, “I haven’t broken a window for, like, the last five times I’ve come in here. You might need a new back door though…Oh,” She added casually, waving a hoof, “Another one of those weird monkey dudes landed over at Sweet Apple Acres just now. Might need to go and pick him up before he gets eaten by Timberwolves…or Big Mac…”

Twilight shuddered. The quiet workstallion’s penchant for hoarding extended even to aliens, it seemed. With a grimace, Twilight made her way back into the main library, Rainbow in tow, and began shrugging on her regalia, “Right. So what are we dealing with this time?”

“Oh, Definitely a screamer.” Rainbow nodded emphatically.

“Okay. Rainbow, go find Fluttershy and Applejack. We might need AJ’s rope skills to bring this one down.”

“Oh, trust me,” Rainbow chuckled as she made for a window, “The way that guy was howling? AJ probably already has him netted. See you at the barn in half an hour!” 

Twilight nodded, trying to fit her crown, before looking up. Her eyes turned to saucers, “No Rainbow, don’t-!”

*SMASH*


*****


‘Oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord oh lord…’

Ad infinitum. 

Pretty much my train of thought as I ran through the very green and very…apple-y country side. The further I ran, the more normal things seemed to get. Away from that strange monstrosity of an animal.

Okay, to be honest, I could have believed I was hallucinating. Mix enough drinks and you could soon find yourself amicably talking to JFK and Lenin while you all rode stegosaurs over a Mars made of rock candy.

Daydreams of presidents, dictators and dinosaurs quickly faded though, when I heard a loud voice amongst the trees up ahead of me; “Hey, who’s that hollerin’ all over mah apple orchards? Come on out here y’all, afore I send in Winona to chase ya out!”

Oh no, that sounded bad. 

Really bad.

South Carolina bad…

“That’s it! Winona, flush ‘em out, girl!”

If that accent was anything to go by, the hounds were being released. I looked around at the verdant trees, the glaring green assaulting my eyes as I searched for the lowest branch to climb. I spot a conveniently less green branch at about head height and clawed myself up into its safe embrace. It wasn’t seconds before a patchwork border collie burst her way through the shrubbery and came to a skidding halt directly under me, giving one excited bark. 

Dear God, the sheer joy in those beady eyes was enough to make me sick…

But I clearly had bigger problems. About six stone bigger, I reckon. The first thing I of course noticed was that ridiculous Stetson hat. The picture got a little better at the orange-ness, sort of like a Day-Glo jacket, but then whatever-it-was had to go and have the worst possible colour ever in her eyes. 

More bloody green.

Not all Irish people like green, okay? 

“Oh Celestia,” The orange one grunted. “S’just another one of y’all up mah trees again?”

“Ah’m sorry there girl, but you don’t make a lick o’ sense with tha’ accent o’ your’n.” I muttered. 

“Wha’?”

“Wut?”

To be honest, her accent wasn’t all that bad. I later came to miss it, but at the time, while being confronted with a quadruped alien and her damn dog, I was feeling a little less cooperative than usual, that meaning downright ornery. 

She was having none of it though. She stamped her…front left appendage on the ground, snarling, “Look, I ain’t got time fer none o’ this-“

“Double negative, girl. You ain’t british enough fer tha’.”

“Shuddit, an get outta mah tree! Twi can come pick you up at the barn like usual!” 

“Usual, ya say?!” I shouted back at her, “Ya mean ta say you find chasin’ innocent chaps up trees is a regular occurrence ‘round ‘ere then?!”

“Ugh, you talk thicker ‘n Granny Smith's maple syrup on a winter mornin’!” She grumbled, reaching with her mouth towards a basket against her side.

“Well, you ain’t much better,” I hissed, “Ya walkin’ green-eyed flea-taxi!”

She stopped rummaging. Slowly, she turned to face me, a cold hard look in her eyes. “Ya just said what now?”

Of all the times she had to catch on…

“Get out o’ mah tree!”

“Only if ya leave, an’ take that mutt there with ya!”

“Ah said git!”

“Are you gonna leave, lass?’

“Not on yer life, partner!”

“Well e’ seems like we’ve reached an impasse.” I muttered grimly, clinging to my branch of safety even more. 

“Ah gotta admit,” The Orange Menace smirked up at me, “Ah wuz kinda hopin’ you were gonna say that.”

Oh sod. The Tangerine Rogue reached back into her basket and withdrew a tin bucket. Now, why she would keep a bucket in a basket on her back is utterly beyond me, but I assumed it was for apple-y reasons. She placed the bucket on the ground below me and grinned.

“Oh, and what now then?” I snarked, “Ya gonna kick me right out o’ this tree and into yer pail, is it?”

She tapped the rim of the pail and winked at me. “Come, fish.”

She didn’t…

Next the…Um...d’you know how few usable synonyms there are for orange? Anyway, she walked right up to the tree, and while I was trying to think of a new adjective (Peach? Red-yellow?), she did indeed, give the tree one massive, jarring double-kick.

The branch I was clinging to quite literally shook me off like a dog shaking off fleas, and the next moment I was falling through the air. This ended very painfully when my head worked its way into the pail at high speed. 

A long drop and a sudden stop.

Groaning from the shock, the ringing noise still in my ears and the world still shrouded in tinny darkness, I scrambled my way to a sitting position, trying to drag the pail off my head, 

“H-How in the bloody hell did ya get that right, ya demon?!”

I heard a soft, malevolent chuckle near me, and I froze, “There ain’t bin a critter yet that Applejack couldn’t buck out a tree. You picked ta tussle with tha wrong pony, partner.”

And she kicked the pail, my head in it and all. I was out cold. 


*****


When Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy made their way to Sweet Apple Acre’s barn that afternoon, they were all hoping that Applejack had already captured their latest unwitting visitor, and had at least calmed him down. Unfortunately, while Applejack excelled at capturing and containing, comforting and calming were hardly her forte. Therefore, the three friends could already hear the caterwauling from as far as the front gate. 

Rainbow Dash made a face, “See? Told’ja he’s a screamer.”

“Big Mac! Git yer flank back ta the west field ‘for Ah buck ya there!”

Twilight facehooved while Fluttershy watched in bemusement as the stallion in question burst from the barn and hurried off to the orchard. “So…Big Macintosh is still doing that? I hope the human is alright…”

“At that volume I’m sure his fine.” Twilight bustled her friends towards the barn, “Now let’s just get this one processed and ready for the return trip. I want a really fast turnaround time on this one.”

Rainbow Dash winged into the barn, shouting a cheerful hello to Applejack, who was in the process of lying down on a haybale. “Don’t worry AJ, the cavalry’s all here!” 

“Great,” the earth pony replied, “Cuz this one’s more trouble than a sackful of stoats on a Saturday evenin’.”

“…The Stoatsons said they were sorry…” Fluttershy mumbled. 

“I’m sure we can handle it,” Twilight interrupted, “If you could keep him here for a little til Rarity gets back from Canterlot?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “If you don’t mind leaving him tied to the rafters for a night, sure thing, sugarcube. I ain’t lettin’ another one of them inta tha farmhouse. Not after that time.”

Muffled swearing came from a back sore room, and Twilight sighed tiredly. “Fiiiine, I‘ll figure something out. Let’s just get this over with.”

*****

Oh lord, there even more of them. Miss Orange Doom finally took my improvised helmet off a few minutes after I’d felt a very large, very muscular body trying to wrap itself around me in one of the most disturbing ways imaginable with my clothes still on. In my imagination, my assailant had been a big wild predator, sent in to finish me off. Of course, now that the pail had been pulled from my head with a *pop*, I could see that I was hardly in a vicious monster’s lair; it was just a storeroom, filled with tools and coated in dust. 

Oh, and four of those weird ‘ponies’. Can’t forget them. 

It came as a small shock to me that they were all upside down. Come to think of it, it was strange that all the tools, and everything else, even down the straw, was stuck to the ceiling. It was even as if I was tied up...side…well damn.

“Oi, what’s all this then?!”

The purple one with horns and wings and a very silly crown (for god’s sake, really?) steps forward and clears her throat. Behind her, two others flap their silly wings and hover there, while the Stetson-wearing destructor stands to one side. Well, now I know why she’s so grumpy, all her friends have wings! Either way, my inspection was cut short as the purple one started talking hurriedly;

“Hello, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends Fluttershy,” The butter-yellow coward, I called it “Rainbow Dash,” The brazen git, “and Applejack.” Sssss’death! “And you are on Sweet Apple Acres farm, just outside of Ponyville, Equestria. Any questions before I continue?”

“Yeh,” I muttered, “Why am I tied upside down, and what the bloody hell are ya going on about?”

This seemed to take Sparkle aback. She shared a glance with her friends, before turning back to me, “…Wait, you don’t know about us? You don’t recognize any of this?”

“Can’t say I do, miss-whatever-you-are.” I deadpanned. It was somewhat of a natural reaction to me; in a situation where I was confused or lost, I would shield myself in armour of apathy. Right now I was fortified behind what amounted to Hitler’s bunker. 

“Oh…” Twilight continued…somewhat, “…That’s a first.” 

“Could ya get on with it, girl, these ropes yer friend so kindly used are starting to some damage.” I prompted. The sooner I got down, the sooner I could get to the more important task of getting as far away from here as possible. 

Twilight, though, had other ideas. She sat down and visibly prepared herself for the coming trial. “Okay, lets start at the beginning, then. We are ponies. You’re a human. From your accent I’m going to guess Scottish?” 

“Irish. Learn et lass.”

“Right. What you've gone and done is fallen through a rift and landed in our town. Now don’t worry, you’re quite safe. Give it a few days and we’ll send you back no worse for wear. All you need to do is relax and behave, please. Normally, the rifts tend to open near or around people already aware of us, so I haven’t had to deal with someone totally new to Equestria, but I’ll try to get the paperwork put through as soon as possible if you just remain calm, okay?”

I took in the information in a fragmented way, thinking through each point she brought up as I became aware of it. Rifts? So that wasn’t a manhole cover that got popped. All I had to do was stay here, quiet…ponies doing paperwork. Is there nothing they can’t train a Shetland to do? And then, of course…

“Wait, what do ya mean, ‘people already aware of you’, exactly?”

Twilight’s expression dropped to one of distaste. ‘In your world, we’re a TV show. A…cartoon. Mention one more thing about it and I’ll zap you.”

“Waitwaitwait,” I snickered, “You bunch are a cartoon show? Finally, a lick o’ sense in this-“

On another note, I did not know that the horns some ponies sprouted allowed them to do magic.

On a related topic, Twilight tazered me.

…

I’m not so sure I like ponies all that much.
	
> Chapter Three
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wakey wakey, Sugarcube. C’mon now.”

No. No, I don’t want to wake up. My head feels like it’s going to explode. You better get out the way ‘for you get what brain I have all over your…

Orange.

“God Dammi-oof!”

Not my best wake-up call. I would have clutched my arms to my stomach where this Applejack had just punched me if my arms were untied. Either that or punched her right back. Both would have been fine by me. 

I was still tied to the pillar, but I had at least been turned right way up. Only slightly below my eye-level, I found a pair of rather annoyed-looking green eyes under the lowered brim of a Stetson.

“Now no more screamin’ outta y’all, ya hear? Quiet or I’ll leave ya right there for the night!”

Well, I really felt like screaming right in her big orange face right then, but the rope was beginning to chafe quite badly. So instead; “So why are ya untyin’ me then? Wanna see how loud ya c’n make my skull ring another round?”

“Ugh,” Applejack grumbled as she dragged her hooves around the pillar to begin untying me, “Look, Ah’m sorry Ah kicked ya that hard okay? You was just screamin’ and carryin’ on, and I don’t have time ta be roundin’ y’all up every afternoon no more! It’s Applebuck season, fer Pete’s sake!”

I pulled a face at her nonsense, even as my hands came loose from the ropes. Rubbing my hands in front of me to get the circulation back from its holiday in my skull, I asked, “Okay, first, screamin’ was a splendid course o’ action at tha time. Second, I don’t control yer damn country's immigration policies, and third, what the hell is Applebuck season?”

The ropes all fell loose, and I turned to look at Applejack, who sported a look of confusion and surprise, “Applebuck season? When we, y’know, buck apples?”

“Sorry girl, not getting ya.”

She shook her head with a groan as she pushed past me towards the barn door, “Aw geez, ya really are clueless aint ya? Well come on, Twi said she’s got words for ya, she can handle yer questions better'n me.”

“Oh hell no!” I slightly-less-than-screamed in her face, “Like hell I’ll set myself up ta get shot at by that psycho agin!”

She reared up in front of me and whacked a hoof onto each of my shoulders, snarling straight into my eyes, “It’s that or the pole, you long-winded ape!”

I was frozen solid as she continued, deathly quiet, “Now y’all ‘ll git out o’ mah barn so I c’n get ya ta Twi and then back ta mah WORK!”

Applejack turned away with a hiss and stormed off towards the door. For half a second, I entertained the idea of running like a madman and getting as far away as possible then, but then my self-defence mechanisms kicked in and walls of unbridled (heheheh) apathy slammed down on my head. 

Whatever. Not like I can outrun a HORSE, so I might as well just get this over with. Plus, I had sort of started it. 
At the door, Applejack paused, with a tired sigh, she called back to me. “Look…Ah’m sorry, alright? Thing's h've just been pilin' up 'round here. You comin’?”

Hell no.

“Be right out.”

We walked out into glaring sunlight. From the few minutes I’d been outside earlier that afternoon, the sun had been my single worst enemy. It seems the sun remembered me, and held a grudge despite swinging low to the horizon. I muttered a string of curses and shaded my eyes til they got used to the hellish level of light this place seemed to contain.

“Uhhh, ya alright there, Sugarcube?”

“No,” I gritted my teeth and lowered my hands, “Irishmen are allergic to sunlight.”

Applejack stopped dead in her tracks, surprised, “…Really?”

“No,” I deadpanned, “Seriously, I thought you met humans regular.”

“Well most of ‘em aint Irish, okay? An’ we’ve had a lot of really strange humans fall about here lately.”

We were walking along a dirt path in between a few farm buildings on what was quite clearly Applejack’s farm. I noticed Applejack had even gone so far as to get some apples tattooed on her hind thighs, a dedication to her craft I could at least pretend to respect when I wasn't shouting at her. I guess ponies can have tattoos so long as they’re cognizant…

My thoughts were interrupted quite suddenly by a strangeness. Off in the trees of the apple orchard was a rapidly approaching cloud. This cloud, though, was different from other clouds and two major respects. One, it had a rope around its middle that was dragging it around, and two, it was shouting and cursing enough to leave me a little impressed. With a violent veer to the left, the cloud parted with its screaming component, which flew off in a rainbow-streaked arc to the ground behind a tree. 

I gawked at the sight, “Holy Mary mother o’ god, tha’ can’t be real...”

“Whoa Nelly!” Applejack breathed as she watched the cloud zoom off over her farm, a few hints of thunder emanating from its belly. 

“Now, see, here’s a question for ya right quick,” I blurted, “Do ya put on that accent just because ya thought ‘Mericans sound cool, or are ya really unlucky enough ta be born with a mental illness?”

Applejack, in the process of deciding whether to follow the cloud or the rainbow, turned to me with flinty eyes and said, in perfect Savoy, “I can’t say I understand you, sah, but I hope you will forgive me whilst I handle little situation that seems to have arisen?”

My brain was actually melting. I’d been outside a minute. No more. 

From the treeline came a choked gurgle. Applejack and I both turned to see Rainbow Dash dragging herself slowly from the bushes. When she spotted us, she waved a hoof in the direction the cloud had fled “Hey AJ! CMC three o’clock!”

“On it, Dasha!” Applejack replied before turning to me, expression blank. “And as fer you: You tease my accent when more time, ever, and Ah will end you. From the crotch up.”

Well that didn’t scare the living guts out of me at all.

Applejack didn’t spare me another glance as she sprinted over to Rainbow Dash’s side, helping her up and muttering a few questions, demands, orders and expletives. Something along the line of ‘look after the ape while Ah fix yer mess again.’ Rainbow Dash shrugged casually and sat down in the dirt, rubbing one of her wings. She waved me over with a hoof. “Hey whatever-you’re-called, come on over here!”

“M’name’s Dale, ya git,” I grumbled, obeying hesitantly, “And just what in the bloody hell did I just see?”

Rainbow Dash got herself up and fell in beside me, leading me towards the large entrance arch of the farm, “Oh yeah, you know absolutely nothing at all, do you?” She gave a thoughtful look, tapping a hoof to her chin. I was just about to point out that she really should be falling flat on her face when she continued, “Right; see the wings?” She spread said limbs for my inspection, “Wings mean pegasus. That’s me. Hornheads are unicorns, and ponies like Applejack are Earth Ponies. Three pony tribes yadda yadda, peace and harmony and all that stuff. Pegasi – not pegasuses, I’m warning you – control the weather. I was supposed to be taking that cloud over to the east f-“

“Now hang on a sec,” I scratched my head in confusion, “How do you-“

“We can walk on and move clouds, make them rain or disappear, make rainbows and thunder and stuff.” She smirked at my blank expression, “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

By now we were on a path between towering rows of apple trees, heavy with fruit. Up in the sky, which I was now adjusted enough to look at without blinding myself, were a few scudding clouds, moving in completely random directions, each one with a pair of tiny wings buzzing along from above. 

“Lord, I’ve had saner fever dreams than this lot…” 

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” Rainbow replied breezily. Her wings seemed fine now, as she hopped into the air and began hovering next to me rather than walking like a NORMAL CREATURE…ahem… As she was saying, “Now, I was bringing that could over for Applejack, when the Cutie Mark Crusaders asked if they could help out. I figured ‘why not? It’s just one little rain cloud’, but of course, wham, those three managed to get me caught up with the rope. So yeah, that happened. I totally coulda handled it though, but AJ looked like she needed a break.”

“Riiiight,” I muttered, “So what exactly-“

“Who are the Cutie Mark Crusaders?” She jumped in, “They’re three little fillies from town, AJ’s and Rarity’s sisters, and Scootaloo, who’s kinda like my little sister, protégé, number one fan-“

“Actually, I meant why do you-“

“Know about the weather?” She interrupted, “I’m the local weather manager! And I’m the best flier in town-”

“No,” I tried to correct, “I was gonna ask ya why your-” 

“Mane is Rainbow-coloured?” Goddammit she did it again! “It’s hereditary. It’s very rare, but not as unheard of as you humans seem to think. I still pull it off best though.”

“Aye, an’ yer humble too…” I muttered darkly, “Now what I was actually gonna ask from the beginning, is-” She took in a breath, but I cut her off this time, “No! No talkin’ fer a minute! I got an actual question ta ask ya!” She flinched back, but nodded. So much for her little ego trip, “If’n pega…si control the weather, right? Why dontcha jus’ get normal weather? Like, precipitation cycle, the order of life an’ all that bull?”

Rainbow shrugged, “Pegasi do the weather. Without us, no rain, no food. S’what we’re here for.”

“No, no!” I scanned the ground for a demonstration, Ahah! A puddle. I pointed at the pathetic half-dried-out moisture, “Now here I c’n clearly see signs of evaporation. That’s a thing ‘ere, correct?” Rainbow nodded. I threw my arms up into the air, “Well why dontch’a just let the weather handle itself, then! If water is evaporatin’, somewhere it’s makin’ clouds on its own then!”

Rainbow cocked her head at me, “Well sure, I guess, but why would we just let it do its own thing?”

“Ye’d have a lot more free time on yer hands-hooves if’n ya did, wouldn’t ya?”

Rainbow paused, “yeah…Yeah,  I guess I would.”

“Also, you ponies have names like gay parade floats.” I thought it prudent to just get that out there early. 

“Why does every second human say that?!” Rainbow cried, “I swear I’m-“

"Oh crap, more ponies dead ahead!” I cried, completely overriding her claim. It’s not something I would want to hear anyway. The other annoyingly intelligent quadrupeds stared at me when I shouted, which I was beginning to realize was less wise than I at first thought. 

Raibow Dash stepped up talking in a bored voice, “Alright, guys, nothing to see here, just another lost ape, clear the street!”

“D’ya mind? I aint no ape!” Seriously, why couldn’t they learn that one fact first? I’d learnt their names, hadn’t I? 

“Yeah you are,” Rainbow retorted, “Even Fluttershy says that calling you guys apes is physiomalogically correct.”

Oh god, that level of stupid combined with logic could be refined into a biological weapon. I didn’t bother answering, because right then my attention was taken up with the fact that we had just walked straight out of the dense orchard into a little slice of Bavaria. All tall thatched roofs and whitewashed timber walls and happy little odd-sized windows with multi-coloured heads sticking out all looking at me curiously and Lord you can keep the deposit on my life cuz I’m ready to check out early…

“Welcome to Ponyville!” Dash cried, throwing her hooves out wide. Then she was crash-tackled into a haybale by three shades of girliness.

“Dashie! That’s my job!” The New Risen Evil cried in a voice pitched perfectly to give me a migraine. Then she was sitting right in front of me, under a jester’s hat, googly-goggles and freaking alligator chewing resignedly on her tail. “Hi!”

“Wot in the bloody hell are you now?”

“I am a Pinkie Pie and what are you?”

“Wot…?” Did she just…? 

She bounced up and pulled off her hat and goggles, shouting, “Boo! It’s me, Pinkie! So did my disguise work? You didn’t recognize me?”

“Wot?”

“He doesn’t know anything about you, Pinks, he never heard of us til today.” Rainbow explained. She was moving a little faster than before, apparently caught up in some or other thought, “Now come on, I need to get him to Twi before either she or Applejack tears me a new one.”

“Oooohhh,” Pinkie nodded in understanding, “So he was a screamer, huh?”

Really? They aren’t going to let that go?

“Like you won’t believe.”

Seriously, in my defence, I was running from goddamned shoe-stealing, hogtieing, man-tazing aliens.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie seem to be good friends, because they spent the next ten minutes of walking (bouncing, hovering) through town chatting amicably about all sorts of things I didn’t listen to, being busy glaring back at all the ponies looking at me like I’m some sort of alie- Whatever.

The next big thing Rainbow Dash tried to liquefy my brain with is the tree we finally stop at. “Right, this is your stop,” She said hurriedly, “Twi’s inside.”

“This is a tree.” I pointed out helpfully. 

“Yes, and Twilight lives inside the tree. So get inside the tree!” Rainbow prods me towards the wooden monolith. When I fail to respond, she rolls her eyes. “Look, what are – Whatever, Pinks, make sure he gets inside without falling down a well for me, will ya? I got…something I wanna go check real quick.”

“Okie dokie…”

Suddenly I was hoisted into the air, helpless. “Gaaaaah!”

“…Lokie, Dashie!”

Above me, Rainbow Dash zoomed off, leaving me to my fate, and beneath me, Pinkie began hopping around the tree. I found myself across her back for some reason, unable to move. For God’s sake, I must’ve be twice her size! Not possible!

On the other hand, I got a great look up at the tree. Shoved in between its grand and VERY green boughs were windows and even a balcony. Logic was quietly drowning itself in booze somewhere in the back of my mind when this new Pinkie Pie pony threw me to my feet and up to a doorway in the trunk. 

“Uhh...What the bloody hell was all that fer?” I asked surprisingly reasonably. 

“Dashie told me to make sure you got inside. Now I can watch you go inside!” She crows. “I’ll sing you your welcome song later, when you understand the references!”

“Then what?” I snarked, “You gonna throw a shindig fer all yer pony mates to come an’ tease me too?”

“No, I’m not allowed to throw welcome parties for humans anymore,” She sighed sadly, “The last few ended up really sick or having panic attacks.”

Then she brightened, “But if you want, I’m sure together we can convince Twilight to-“

I got through that doorway quicker than a wailing jack rabbit, and with only slightly less wailing. Quick note to self: Pink equals probable injury…Then I saw that my ever gracious host was already present: And Purple equals definite injury.

“Uh, g’day.”

“Yeah, hello...” mumbled Twilight Sparkle. Her crown was propping up the book she was nose deep in. She quickly finished reading as a quill nearby wrote something down of its own violet-tinged volition. Creepy.

"So...Pinkie Pie dropped me off. Literally.“ I started.

"Uh-huh." She muttered, still reading.

"She scared the living daylights outta me." I attempted.

"Yeah. She does that." Still reading.

Fat lot o' good this is doing me, I thought dully. "So, uh, What’re ya gonna… do to me?”

She lowered the book and narrowed her eyes. From the corner shot a chair that took my legs out from under me and left me sitting in the middle of the room, across from Twilight, as she turned all business. “I am going to teach you. You sit there, and be quiet.”

“Oh yeh?” I asked, outraged at the madness of it all, “An’ what If I refuse ya?”

“Corporal punishment is not banned in Equestria.”

I sat still as stone.
	
> Chapter Four
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the longest half an hour of my entire life.

Twilight wasn’t teaching me the lore of her people, she was just making sure I didn’t accidentally embarrass myself. What I did on purpose, she made blatantly clear, was none of her responsibility.

She spent a lot of time explaining arbitrary rules and systems, like their currency (There is one coin, the Bit. You trade bits for goods. Am I going to fast here?) and their entirely messed up government. 

“Wait, are you sayin’ yer whole country is ruled over by two more o’ these ‘alicorns’ like you? And that they are immortal, huge, massively overpowered omnipresent mother ducks in some castle on a mountain, cooing over ‘their little ponies’? Cuz that’s what I’m getting here.”

Twilight looked me dead in the eye, challenging me to say one word more. “Exactly.”

“But…But…” My eye was twitching HARD.

“You know what, I’m not even going to start on the solar system,” Twilight groaned, “Just listen…”

She went on to explain a few social niceties, like don’t touch a Pegasus’s wings unless you want to be severely maimed, nor unicorn’s horn unless you want to die a violent death. Also, I would have to be escorted at all times by one of these ‘element-bearers’ (Twilight and her friends, custodians of some pony super-weapon) at all times until Twilight had time to work out my ‘spacial signature’ and send me the hell back to wherever I came from, praise the lord. 

“So wait, your country has two demigods in permanent power-?”

“Yes. In Canterlot. You can see it out the window. Now-“

“But what about representative government?”

Twilight’s stoney expression never wavered. “The nobles are thinking about introducing it, but-“

“Nobles?!”

A massive sigh, “Yes, nobles.”

“Children of the Demigods?”

“No, they’re…well, they’re related somehow, but…Look, can I get to the part actually pertaining to you?”

Wait, this is the part where she explains what the hell I’m doing here, right? Wonderful. “I’m sorry, please continue. Politics c’n come later.”

“Or never,” Twilight muttered,” But anyway; Equestria has gone through some pretty big changes recently, and we’d all thought it was calming down til about a year ago. Then, one day, a strange creature – human, clearly – fell out of the sky near the edge of the Everfree. He ran through town, ranting and raving and shouting at us all. He knew weird things, private things, about almost every prominent pony in town, and he also sprouted a LOT of nonsense. The rumours he started while we were trying to figure out where he came from nearly ruined one or two important ponies. After about a month, the Princesses managed to formulate a spell to send him home. But then,” She looked at the table angrily as if it was to blame, “not a month later, another human fell into Applejack’s cider press.”

…Ouch.

“Well, we treated him with magic and sent him home after three weeks. Almost immediately, another fell, this time landing in the middle of the town square. All three of them knew creepy amounts about us, but this one seemed intent on staying. So, since it seemed another human just dropped in every time we sent the last one home, we…decided to let him.” 

The look on her face screamed of a bad ending. “He started doing…weird things. Eventually we had to have him watched. He wouldn’t leave Rarity alone, and eventually she ended up kicking him in the face. Not to mention, a week after that, another human dropped in as well! This time a girl. Later that week we sent both of them home, both crying about wanting to stay. But they were both so strangely behaved, Celestia – yes, one of the Princesses – and we decided that it wasn’t safe, for us or them.”

She stood up and shook herself off, “Basically, for every one of you we send back to your own home, another appears, each one a little odder than the last. We seem to be getting only the whiny, obsessive, annoying humans in general, according to testimony from the humans themselves. For your sake I sincerely hope that’s the case. But the problem is, the time between each appearance is growing shorter after each event. Rarity is only coming back from Canterlot today after getting that last human sent home! And now you…So forgive me for being short.”

Like hell I’ll forgive you. “Okay then, so what now, yer Royal Zappiness?”

Twilight shuffled over to a grey filing cabinet shoved into a corner and magicked out a few sheets of paper. “We take your name and details for research purposes, and then we might be able to get you back home where you belong by tomorrow or the next, when either of the Princesses are free. Sound good?”

I grinned. “I dunno why you can’t do it, but aye, girl, sounds grand. You know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get back home is?”

Her face fell deadpan, “I would guess-“

“To the pub!”

Twilight shoved one of her hooves into her own face. Then again when she had to explain what a facehoof was.


*****


Early the next morning, two ponies stood on the platform of Ponyville station as the first train of the day pulled in. 

“Rarity! Raaarityyy! Over here!”

“Yes, Pinkie darling,” Rarity replied, trotting out the doors and across the train station’s single platform towards the bouncing form of Pinkie and the more subdued Fluttershy. “It’s difficult to miss the only two ponies here, dear.”

Pinkie stopped bouncing with a last loud ‘Hello!’ and sat grinning in the early morning sunlight. Fluttershy smiled sweetly at her friend. “So…how was the trip with Sarah?”

“Oh, well enough, I suppose,” Rarity muttered as she kept an eye on the porters unloading her luggage. “She escaped again. Luckily she just got lost in the castle. She tried to hug Princess Luna before the spell was cast, but Luna has wards to prevent any incidents after the last time.”

“That’s a shame, Luna needs more hugs!” Pinkie beamed. “I wonder if she would like one delivered?”

“Anyway,” Rarity continued, unperturbed, “I can’t wait to get back to the boutique and relax in a human-free environment for a few days.”

“Oh, um, Well…” Fluttershy stuttered.

“There’s good news, and there’s bad news.” Pinkie added.

“The good news is I can take care of Opal for a few more days.” Fluttershy whispered.

Rarity’s eye twitched, “And why, dear, would I need to leave Opal in your care any longer?”

Pinkie Pie answered her, “Because we have a NEW HUMAN! YAY!”

Rarity just about fell flat where she stood.


*****


It was awful.

It was terrible, monstrous, and unbelievable. It tore at my heart and soul and left me a blubbering mess, much like the mess that was on the plate before me.

For, you see, Princess Twilight Sparkle had made breakfast.

“Oh come on, you crybaby, it’s not that bad.” She muttered prodding at her own bowl beside her toast.

“W-where…Where’s the ham an’ eggs?!” I begged in disbelief. Okay, not really disbelief, they’re ponies, but come on!

Twilight took a bite of toast before answering me, “I don’t keep eggs, and there is literally no ham, for over a thousand miles in any direction. And no, I’m not teleporting you any. Just eat your oatmeal, it’s good for you!”

Aye, it may be,” I said, pushing the plate away in misery, “But it ain’t ham an’ eggs, now, is it? Do ya at least have a ‘tater I c’n bake fer meself?’

She stared back at me with a blank look. “A what?’

“Po. Ta. To. ‘Tater?”

She shook her head, “No, sorry, the starch doesn’t agree with me all that well.”

…What hell is this?

“I don’t think there are any potatoes around this time of year anyway,” She shrugged oblivious to how she was destroying my world, “Only one pony even grows them in Ponyville anyway, and she harvested the last crop was some months ago.”

It can’t be….

“So…no ‘tater fer breakfast?” 

“No probably not,” Twilight took a gulp of her oatmeal, then added thoughtfully, “Well, maybe Zecora has a few saved…”

“Who where what when?” I slammed my hands into the table, leaning forwards in anticipation. Look, I really like a nice baked potato, okay? Anything but…ugh...oatmeal

“Hey!” Twilight fumbled with her bowl and mine as they rattled about after my reaction, “Look, if it means so much to you, we can go get some damn potatoes!” 

I’d woken up quite late in Twilight’s basement. She’d had a room put in where she said she ‘entertained’ human guests from time to time, but I saw it, as anyone would, as an overnight cell. Twilight reinforced this idea by simply teleporting me into the room when I refused to go in on my own. It had actually been well appointed. Better than my old room anyway. The bed was... good. Good enough for me to oversleep by about four hours, in fact. By the time I woke up with Twilight knocking at the door with some notion that I had died a horrible death, her helper, some pony named ‘Spike’, apparently, (she only glossed over it) had already gone off to fetch some herbs from somewhere-or-other. But by that time I’d been looking at my breakfast in horror so I didn’t really listen. 

I grabbed my old (and now slightly grubby) jacket and throw it on. “Let’s go Mis Sparkle, ‘taters wait for no one!… ‘cept in July.”

Twilight just stared at me, aghast. 


*****


“Honestly now, where in Equestria could she be?!” Rarity stamped her hoof outside Golden Oaks Library for about the fifth time, “Pinkie, are you sure Twilight was meant to be here this morning?”

“Yep! Left the human and Twilight right here!” Pinkie confirmed, “Maybe they went for a tour of town?’

“After what happened to Time Turner’s shop that one time…”

Pinkie flinched, “Oh yeah, the clock and the chicken…”

“Indeed,” Rarity nodded, “After that incident, I believe Twilight would be much wiser than to let a human loose. It’s more likely the human made a break for it again, and we need to apprehend him before he destroys anything important.”

“Well,” Fluttershy added meekly, “On my way to the station this morning, I saw Spike on his way to Zecora’s to fetch Twilight some of that extra-strong poppy tea she drinks when she gets headaches, maybe she went that way with the human, too?”

“Hmm, now we have a conundrum,” Rarity nodded thoughtfully, “We either need to search town, or go in the opposite direction…”

“Hey Bon Bon!” Pinkie called happily. She was bouncing nearly fifty metres from her friends, grinning at the bored-looking pony in front of her, “We’re looking for another human, seen him lately? Tallish, brown mane, screaming all the time?”

Bon Bon nodded, “Well I did hear some screaming over by the Everfree earlier…”

“Thaaaanks!” Pinkie bounced back to Rarity and Fluttershy, beaming. “There we go, now we lost our conundrum!” Then she paused, before meekly offering to Rarity, who seemed a little put-off, “…though, I can get you a new one if you liked that one so much…?”

“Oh, no dear, it’s just I wonder about you sometimes,” Rarity shook her head with a rueful smile, “Now come on girls, lets catch that human! 

“Oh, and have either of you seen Rainbow Dash at all?”

*****

“Now, y’see, this is the sort o’ place I can get ta likin’!” I grinning at all the dull brown mustiness of the forest. The heavy evergreen foliage above us seemed almost blue-black in the gloom. All around me were dark forbidding shadows, and before me a path with no certain end.

So just like Saturday nights back home, really.

“Slow down, Dale, you don’t know what might be on the trail!” Twilight cautioned.

“What, like…monsters an’ such?” I asked stopping in my tracks

“No! I mean like this!” She bent and kicked a branch aside from my feet, “You could have tripped and hurt yourself!”

“So…it’s not dangerous here?” I clarified. She had to be kidding me. Right?

She shrugged, ‘Not really, so long as you’re on the path, you’re safe enough.”

“Oh fer the love of-!”

“Is that Twilight Sparkle, I hear?” Called a deep feminine voice from within the gloom, “And also a human friend, I fear…”

Well she didn’t have to sound so glum about it…

“Oh, we’re here already.” Twilight said, for once sounding neither bored nor sarcastic. “Now we can get the damned tuber and go home!”

“But I wanted a ‘tater, no’ a tuber.” I said in confusion, beginning to discern the windows and door set into the shrubbery. Very well hidden, for sure. 

“A ‘tater- I mean a potato is a tuber! Of the Nightshade family!”

“Wait, ain’t Nightshade a poison? What were you gonna feed me?!” I demanded, alarmed.

“Oh it is the humble potato you seek?” Asked the mysterious voice from within the hidden hut. From the darkness emerged a hopeful-looking zebra. Freaky… “Could I not interest you rather in some tasty leeks?”

“You’re striped, and no, ‘tater please.” I gushed. I was really hungry for some man’s food, and if this new pony didn’t hand it over, I’d pull an Irish and filch it anyway. 

The zebra took one look at Twilight’s apologetic grin, and sighed, “Very well, I can see how much you this plant desire. It saddens me so that it is destined for your cooking fire.” She muttered to herself as she went back into her hut and began searching. I heard a second, younger voice from within, “Oh, Twilight’s here? Let me just grab the tea!”

“Oi, Twi, issat the Spike ya mentioned earlier?” I asked as Zecora re-emerged with a bag in her mouth. 

“Yes, my number one assistant!” Twilight beamed proudly, “Getting my tea just like I asked him!”

Zecora dropped the bag in my eager hands. As I opened it with a word of thanks and withdrew one of the shiny golden-skinned beauties destined to be my breakfast, I replied, “Well he sounds like a nice enough tyke fer a pony.”

Twilight blinked in confusion, “Wait, Spike isn’t a pony.”

I halted my inspection of my to-be-meal with a quizzical look, “Wait, then wot is ‘e?

Twilights eyes widened in horror, “Oh no, Dale, please don’t overreact-!”

“Twilight, I’ve got your tea right here!” Out of the Zebra’s door came running a goofily smiling, purple-and-green scaled terrifying monster.

“Aaaaaargh! A dragon!” I screamed. In my terror, I threw the one potato in my hands at the fell beast. It struck him upside the head, bounced into the air, and was rapidly engulfed in the sea of green fire the lizard loosed in surprised.

I stared at the empty air where my breakfast had been, now completely empty as the last sparks of fire faded away. A tremor entered my voice as I whispered, “My God, Saint Patrick’s fury…”

Twilight slowly took a step forward, “Dale...please, don’t do anything-“

“Aaaaaaaaauuuuugh!”

She grimaced, “…Like that.”

I didn’t hear her, since I was too busy running in the opposite direction.


*****


Many miles away, in the seat of the Equestrian government and home of the Diararchs, Princess Celestia was poring over ancient tomes of knowledge in the hope of finding a solution to her little ponies’ latest trial. Hours of work and notes piled up around her were scattered, though, when, with a tongue of unearthly flame and a sudden *pop*, a potato materialized above her head. 

Celestia jerked her head up in surprise, only to skewer the unfortunate root on her long horn. Unable to see the offending plant, Celestia instinctively charged a warding spell, but the dense potato lodged around her horn stunted the magic, absorbing the energy until it began violently sizzling. With a pained cry, Celestia reeled back from the backlash, and the potato was flung from her horn.

But the damage was done. The mighty form of the Solar Diararch lay panting on the ground, her horn sparking impotently, as the potato fell beside her snout, breaking open to reveal its perfectly cooked and steaming interior to the world.

“Hmm...” Celestia muttered as she raised a hoof to the potato that had laid her low, “Needs butter.”
	
	
> Chapter Five
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight Sparkle had tried to set a dragon on me! 

As I wandered through the dense undergrowth, I muttered evil curses under my breath. She had lured me with the promise of a good breakfast, only to be nearly burned alive by that prehistoric beast! I should have known her taking me out into the dense, sparsely populated forest would not end well. And she tried to tell me that that dragon was her helper Spike. Yeah right, anyone could see straight through that! 

It made sense, in a twisted sort of way, that Twilight would be trying to kill me. If sending humans back to Earth just invited even more here, and keeping them around wasn’t an option, why not just kill them off in the woods with a walking zippo?

Given though, when I slowed down to think about it, that dragon wasn’t the most threatening creature. I mean, He was only two feet tall. But if he could instantly vaporize a potato, what kind of damage could he do to me? I wasn’t sticking around to find out. 

So, the Everfree Forest. Twilight had warned me that this place was pretty much like Earth, just more malevolent. So, like Eastern Europe, then. Only, it’s also a thick dense jungle filled with strange monsters. After a bit of questioning the previous evening I had come to the conclusion that is was in fact a Greek-themed Bolivia inhabited by spiteful pixies. After the fifth vine dropped down and tripped me, I was preparing to meet the cannibal tribe in togas. 

The sun had swung to right above me by the time I reached the top of a defile. Shafts of light speared straight down into the loam and lit my way down to the bottom of the hill, where a bright patch between the trees indicated a clearing. Thanks to my boy scout training, I could see the obvious! I scrabbled down through the brown loam and slid to a stop at the treeline. Before me stretched groves upon groves of apple trees. 

Good god I need to get out of here.

With that thought in mind, I turned right on around and walked straight into a Stetson.

“Gosh sakes, there y’are!”

Applejack, huh? I took a deep lungful of air and…she shoved an apple in my mouth.

“I warned ya ta keep yer mouth shut back at the farmhouse. Don’t tempt me.”

…touché. 

“So where is the hayseed did’ja think you were goin’, ya edjit?! Yer stuck ‘tween tha Everfree an’ us!” She gave me a searching look, then sighed and pulled her Stetson low over her eyes, “Look, Ah yer time in Ponyville ain’t bin the greatest, even by human standards, but ya cain’t really ‘uve thunk the Everfree would be a safe place to run to?”

“Well lessee here,” I drawled, “While in your Ponytown-“

“Ponyville.”

“Whatever, I got kicked in the head tazed, tied upside down, kicked in the gut, stared at and fed a horrible breakfast. Then I get led on to think I’ll get a potato, only to get attacked with a dragon. In the forest, I had to flick a beetle off my shoulder and jump over a few vines. So yeh, forest fer me.”

Thump

Appejack and I shared a look. “Wot the bloody ‘ell was that?”

“The reason y’all stay next to us’ns at all times,” She breathed. 

Thump Thump 

“Yer barn sounds real friendly about now.” I added

“Ah bet it does.”

Thump Thump Thump

“So wot do we do then?”

She gave me the nod. “Y’all carry on as usual.”

Wonderful. Back to screaming and running.

‘Dunno about you, But Ah’m goin’ THIS’A’WAY!” Applejack made good her escape.

“Right with ya, lass!” And I made good mine. 

Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump

*CRASH*

“Seriously, wot is that thing?!” I gasped in between dodging branches and apples falling from the sheer shockwave the thing behind us was making. I tried to remember the names of a few of the creatures Twilight had mentioned; “A manticore?!”

Applejack kept her head down and ran. “Worse. Fer you at least.”

“A dragon, then?” I suggested.

“Nope! Worse.”

“Then what? Wot exactly is it that is goin’ to eat my alive in an apple orchard?!”

Behind us, in the wrecked path we were leading, echoed a soft but deep and ever so whiny voice, “AJ…!”

Her face blanched. “Mah brother.”


*****


“Rarity! You’re back, thank Celestia!”

“Luna, as it happens,” Rarity replied drolly, “It’s good to finally find you Twili-“

The white unicorn was cut off by a pair of purple hooves around her barrel, “No time, flying!”

“Eeeep!” Rarity voiced her displeasure. By that point she was fifteen feet in the air though, so she refrained from struggling. 

“Should…”Fluttershy blinked nervously, “Should we follow them?”

Pinkie nodded excitedly. Fluttershy cautiously took to the wing and lifted her friend along with her.

“Woooo, I'm flying!” Pinkie cheered, even though her rear hooves still dragged in the dirt.

Meanwhile, Rarity was doing her best to scream in a ladylike manner; “Aaaaah Twilight put me down I have bad experiences with flying this will not be ending well why are we going to Sweet Apple Acres - and is that Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight failed to respond. 


*****


“Wot in the bloody ‘eck are you on about?!” I shouted at Applejack galloping beside me. I could tell she wasn’t going at top speed; she was keeping with me. I pressed a little faster. 

Behind us, a vast red form flashed in between the branches, crashing all in it’s path.

“Come on AJ, let me have half an hour!”

“Sure thing,” She shouted back, “How about with that Psychiatrist I mentioned?!”

“A minute!”

“Ya need HELP!”

The exchange ended with a resigned snort behind us. The crashing failed to go away though, until Applejack removed her hat with a flick of her head, caught the ragged doll within, and tossed the plush toy over her shoulder, all before casually jumping perfectly back under her falling hat.

“Now what was tha’?”  I choked.

Behind me; “Smarty Paaaants!”

Applejack’s lips formed a line sharper than a mobster’s trouser crease, “Our salvation. Now c’mon, we’ll hunker down in tha tree house!”

I few more minutes found me scrambling up a ramp into a pony(not human)-friendly airborne stable that Applejack referred to as the treehouse. I nearly gagged at the girly aura the place gave off, full of glitter, paint and worst of all, pink; next to green, the worst colour in existence. Applejack noticed me crouching in the entrance, face twisted at the sight. She immediately apologized, “May sister an’ ‘er friends use this as their clubhouse, what else d’ya think it would look like? Grow up.”

Okay, so not so much apologized and reprimanded, but I took it as a victory all the same. “Okay then. Now, dy’a wanna explain to me just what exactly yer brother wuz chasin’ us’ns through yer apple orchard?”

Applejack was immediately uncomfortable at the question. Rubbing one hoof against another, she slowly started, “Well, Mah brother, Big Mac? He’s…well, him and a few other ponies ‘round town are…” With a sigh, she dropped her head, “He’s a ‘skinny’, okay?”

I blinked, sitting on a patch of glitter. “Say that agin, will ya?’

“A ‘skinny’?” She prompted, “As in…he seems ta have a ‘thing’ fer y’all. Humans, I mean.”

Oh.

….Oooooooohhhh.

Oh God…

“Gah!” I shouted, throwing my hands in the air, “Just wot sotra twisted world is this, anyway, where a man can’t take a walk in the woods without bein’ accosted?” 

I would think of Liverpool a little later.

“Well, if y’all heard half the things some o’ your’n have spouted all over town ya wouldn’t be half as surprised,” She shot right back, “Now will ya keep it down, he might hear you. An’ I’d rather keep you away from mah brother, fer his sake an’ yours.”

“How tha hell does that even come about?” I thought, gobsmacked, ‘Ah mean…I cant even think o’ it without feelin’ sick.”

Applejack actually snickered at me, “Yeah, you an me both, partner. Thing is, Ah think it was the second human who fell ‘ere? ‘e fell on tha farm late one night. Figured Ah’d let him stay an’ get sent home in tha mornin’, y’see.”

“Wait,” I interrupted, “Twilight told me the second human ye found fell in your cider press?’

Applejack gave me a flat look, “Yeah…that’s what ‘appened when Ah found him in Big Mac’s room that night. We figgered ta keep tha cover story fer the dignity of all involved.”

…uuhhh…

“But,” She continued sadly, “Big Mac just weren’t the same since. Every human that drops somewhere on this ‘ere farm, he knows. He’s watchin’.”

“Well, I can’t go back to town, now, can I?” I muttered, “Twilight tried to kill me with a dragon!”

“Uh, Dale?” She looked at me askance, “That dragon is Spike.”

“Twilight said Spike was her assistant, not a dragon!” I tried to reason.

“Okay, Ima put this down nice an’ easy,” Applejack soothed, “Spike, the dragon, it Twilight’s number one assistant. He’s grown up all his life with ‘er, and aint gonna harm ya none.”

“Grown up?” I snarked, “Grown down more like. He can’t ‘ave even reached me to the hip.”

“Ayep,” The pony agreed, “And y’all ran away from ‘im with yer tail ‘tween yer legs.”

“Says the girl with the brother bent on bestiality.” I jabbed back. 

She gave me a dead stare. I returned it. 

Then she laughed.

It was that deep annoying yokel belly laugh that only country folks can ever pull off proper, because they know what honest joy really is. 

“You aint too bad fer a human Dale, gotta say.” She chuckled, punching me in the shoulder.

I’m no wimp, but that hurt. I smiled back tightly, “Well, thanks fer savin’ me an’ all. But wot say you bake me a potato and we’ll call it all square an’ sorted, yeh?”

She smirked back, “Sure thing. Ell ya tha truth,” She said, conspiratorially low, “Livin’ on tha farm like Ah do, eatin’ something other ‘n apples c’n be a boon.”

‘Oh aye,” I nodded, “And I guess if yer friends heard that, they’d be none too pleased, eh?”

“Are you kiddin’? Town would just stop runnin’!” Looking out the window, she called the all-clear, “Well it don’t look like Mac followed us, so – wait, what in the hayseed does Dasha think she’s doin’?”

Curious, I scurried out the tree house, AJ right behind me. Looking up into the field before us, I saw a strangeness.

Rainbow dash, flying in tight, painful-looking circles til she was a blur over a bucket full of water. 

“Now what’s that crazy pegasus got inta ‘er head?!” Applejack gritted said she trotted over. I followed. This should be good for a laugh.

“Dasha?” The rainbow doughnut failed to answer.

“Hey, Dash!” I attempted to help my new pony friend.

“Can’t talk – cloudmaking!” Came the terse reply.

I looked at Applejack. “So how do ya normally get a pegasus down when their brain glitches ‘round ‘ere?”

“Usually?” She answered, still watching, “With harsh words and more often ‘n not a rope. But this is Dash we’re dealin’ with; we’re gonna need somethin’ a bit better ‘n that.”

I looked down at the bag I still clutched. Well…I had three left, so one more wouldn’t hurt too much, right? It would be better than a rock at least. So I reached in and pulled out a potato, aimed it at the whirling colours and pitched it, shouting, “Dash, catch!”

Applejack didn’t get a chance to kick me again. The potato hit Rainbow Dash clean between the eyes, unluckily. I say that because it meant she was looking at us when she lost control and crashed down directly to my left with a loud cry. 

I covered my eyes. As the dust settled, I slowly looked, dreading what I was about to see. Rainbow Dash lay on her back, wings spread, hooves twitching in the air as she said, googly-eyed, “…H-horseapples…”

And beneath, giving me a death-glare and arctic proportions, was a very scuffed up Applejack. 

“…Well damn.”


*****


“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cried, zooming forward as her friend crashed below the treeline. Rarity didn’t see it because her eyes were closed, but she could guess what had happened. Dash as usual. Below them, Fluttershy was now sitting on Pinkie’s back as the hyper pony beamed across the ground after her fallen friend. It took mere seconds for them to arrive at the crash site to see Dale struggling to untangle a loopy Rainbow Dash from a very vocal Applejack. 

“Ahh! Be careful wi’ that hoof, you moron!”

The human reeled in shock, staring at Applejack as she angrily nursed one of her rear legs, “But I thought we were friends? I was gonna share mah potatoes with you an all!” 

“Yeh, right til you crashed Dasha inna me!”

Twilight dropped Rarity and ran forward, crying, “What happened here?!”

“Well,” Said Pinkie from beside Dale, “I’d say Applejack pretty much just told you. But if you want even more exposition, I’d say Dale threw a pota-“

“Yes, thank you Darling, we get the picture,” Rarity cut in, trotting forward herself. Her usually immaculate spiralled mane had been blasted into disarray by Twilight’s less than professional flying, so as she gave her best professional smile and tried to introduce herself to the new human, He reacted thusly:

“Why hello, I am Rarity, and I will be taking care of-“

“GAHH! Medusa!”

And with that. Dale Rushed back across the field into the treehouse, “Twilight first came wi’ a dragon, and now a Medusa, god save me arse!”

Fluttershy, still reeling from landing beside Rarity at a non-defined point in time, found her eyes drawn to a large, happily trotting red shape. Applejack, too, noticed the incoming terror.

“Mac!” She growled, “Y’all stay away from that human, ya hear?”

Mac most certainly did not hear. 

Dale noticed the new soon-to-be-occupant of his hidey-hole, and screamed his lungs out. Big Mac, of course living up to his name, has having trouble getting through the filly-sized entrance. The large, heavy and violently lurching bodies the tree house now had to bear were putting strain on the old structure. 

Dale was not helping at all. “HELP ME YA GITS!” He shouted out of a window, trying to kick Mac’s seeking muzzle. To the red stallion he said, “What do ya plan on doin’ with me anyway.”

Big Mac stopped forcing his shoulders into the doorway. His hopeful voice filtered out to the six frozen mares in the field, “Maybe…make ya lunch?”

Dale said something uncomplimentary. 

“Ah could roast them potatoes, just how ya like?” Big Mac added.

Dale said nothing at all. 

Big Mac eager tone sounded once again, “And then maybe after we could-“

“Oh, sorry, you were still talkin’ there?” Dale snarked, “I was just wonderin’ how restrainin’ orders worked in Equestria.”

Big Mac said something about ‘starting over’ as he started pushing again. 

Applejack tried to squirm to her hooves, but her left hind leg gave out under her weight. “Dammit! Mah leg aint up fer this…Somepony get that sorry human outta there ‘for the whole thing caves in!”

Twilight Sparkle looked fit to drop from panic and/or strain already. Fluttershy looked dizzy and disorientated. Rarity certainly wouldn’t be moving for a while; she was bawling her eyes out at being called a Medusa. 

Pinkie Pie to the rescue.

The bubbly mare was on the roof of the treehouse faster than even she could realize. Heeding not the pained groaning of the structure beneath her, she ripped open the roof hatch and pulled out a squealing Dale by the collar. “Lemme go ya evil demon!”

Pinkie did just that. She casually dropped him over the edge of the tree house and jumped onto the branch just as Big Mac forced himself into the tiny space. With his mournful cry, the entire treehouse imploded and fell to the ground.


*****


Many miles away, three fillies were wrestling an alligator when they simply stopped and began inexplicably crying. 

The Alligator died of a heart implosion at the sight. 
	
> Chapter Six 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh, consarnit! Mah fetlock’s all twisted!” Applejack cried, trying to stand. Fluttershy tried desperately to help, but just ended up falling over with the earth pony on top of her. Being Fluttershy, she simply lay there. She could breathe a little less if it would be less of a bother to everypony.

Rarity was calmly and smoothly explaining to Dale, as he contorted, jumped a twisted on the ground under Twilight’s immobilizing magic, that he had nothing to fear, that he should remain calm and relax. 

“YA AINT TURNIN’ ME TA STONE TADAY!!”

He wasn’t really listening. Naturally.

Twilight snorted and rolled her eyes. He’d come to his senses. And if he didn’t…there was always the reforming spell. Since Dale was otherwise occupied and not likely to cause any more major property damage, Twilight tore herself away to check on Rainbow Dash, still lying on her back and staring up at the sky.

Twilight approached cautiously, “Rainbow Dash? She whispered, “Are you alright?”

Rainbow didn’t respond. She was staring up at the clouds vacantly, grinning. 

Twilight krept up to her friend’s side quietly, asking again, “Rainbow? Oh, please say you’re alriaaAAHH!”

Dash’s foreleg shot out, catching Twilight about her shoulders and pulling her down beside the pegasus. “Look at them, Twilight,” The crazed pegasus breathed, “Just look at them.”

“Those are clouds, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said carefully, “Do you need a nap?” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dale, released from her magic, prancing around with Pinkie latched onto one of his legs.

“Noooooo,” Rainbow growled in frustration, leaping into the air. Her ruffled feathers and scraped-up back groaned in protest, but she didn’t care, “Those clouds, I made them! Not Cloudsdale, not some fancy shmancy weather pony in a labcoat, me! Rainbow Dash! With a bucket of water and some patience-“

“Patience?” Applejack snarked, “Yep, She’s gone gotten a concussion…”

“Shut up!” Rainbow Dash crowed, not even noticing as Dale rolled right underneath her, Pinkie latched onto his head, screaming. “Only a pegasus would understand what this could mean!”

Unfortunately, Fluttershy was too squashed to voice her disagreement.

“Now I need to go clear every cloud in Ponyville! Or it won’t work!” Rainbow Dash’s last sentence receded into the distance. Everyone in the clearing shared a look of confuzzlement at her parting.

Except Dale, who was in the process of prying Pinkie off with a stick.

“Well…” Rarity started, carefully lifting Applejack up into the air. Fluttershy slowly crawled out of the way to re-inflate her lungs elsewhere. Rarity looked at the fallout around them and tutted, “Oh, I never did like the screamers all that much…”

Dale stood bolt upright when he heard this, face a mask of fury, “Oi, now you listen ‘ere-“

Then Applejack turned to the wreckage of the tree house where, amidst the destruction, she saw a limp crimson hoof, “Big Mac!”

“Where?!” Dale screamed, “Aaaaauuuuugh!” And he was gone. 

Rarity and Pinkie shared a look. Meanwhile, Twilight had found a scapegoat for all her woes.

She vindictively poked the potato where it lay in the grass, “I just knew potatoes were bad news.”


*****


I was running out of screams by this point. 

Not five minutes later, I found myself leaning breathlessly against a cottage straight from the Rhineland. Big Mac would be coming for me. I needed a place to hide out until his urges were directed to the next unhappy sod who dropped from the sky. Speaking of, shouldn’t the sod by on his way by now? 

In a few days, I reminded myself, til then I need to go to ground. The only problem, though, was my position. Behind me was the apple farm, where I would lose several maiden’s worth of innocence dare I return. Before me was the town of Ponyville, where I would be looked at in new, funny and imaginative ways til the end of eternity…or at least the town boundary on the other side. 

“Excuse me, but…would mind awfully getting off my house?”

I turned slowly, grinning. That voice sounded almost English. Time to rag on a brit.

Above me in a second story window was a cream-coated, blue-and-pink-maned pony. Species, I didn’t care. All I could do was glare at her as she fiddled uncomfortably with her own hooves. 

“An’ what are ya gonna do ta make me? Eh? Shake a fist at me? Oh, that’s right, no dice there, ennit?”

She looked very uncomfortable. I figured I should press my advantage. “So what, you gonna jus’ sit up there all high an’ mighty til the cows come home? Though fer all I know, a cow might actually be the breadwinner o’ this ‘ere house, so I better not insult ya now, eh? Maybe yer Princess will smite me if I do…oh wait, I’ve had the pleasure of meetin’ yer Twilight Sparkle…oh well-“

“Lyra?” The pony above me called, “Could you get the door please?”

Who?

From within, I heard various unhealthy mumbling sounds, while above me, the pony in the window grinned with malicious glee. I was going to regret this…

The door grated open. The pony, or unicorn as it happened, wore a rapidly growing grin across her until-recently-sleepy face. I noticed her forelegs trembling with excitement.

“Hi!” She chirped.

“Aye, g’day…” I responded carefully, thinking about backing away slowly.

“You’re Irish!” She exclaimed in wonder, big golden eyes wide as the queen’s dinner plate.

“Aye, that I am.” I answered.

The unicorn stood and threw her forehooves out wide, grinning like a loon. “I’m green!”

“I noticed,” I said, now backing away, scared, “And I hate the colour green.”

Lyra (I had so far gathered) fell back on her pony backside, staring at me disbelievingly. “But…but...”

“Errr…” I didn’t know what to do. I looked at the smug pony in the window above me. You win this round, unnamed mare. 

Lyra was staring blankly at the doorstep, “My life is a lie…”

“Aannd, I’ll be on me way then.” Neither pony answered me as I walked of through the town. 

Ten minutes later, after getting lost in three side streets, I found myself in the town centre, admiring a pretty statue of what I assumed to be one of those all-powerful despots who ruled this ponyland while studiously ignoring the confused stares of literally every living being within a hundred yards.

“Hmmm, so that’s what a demigod looks like.”

“Well, their less demigods and more Elementals,” supplied a reasonable voice beside me, “Since they draw power directly from large bodies of the natural order and so forth.” The maroon mare standing next to the space I’d previously occupied looked up at me, now gripping firmly to the neck of the alicorn statue. 

“Though so some of their power is emotion-based as well,” She finished, smiling up at me. “My name is Cheerilee, by the way. And you are?”

“Don’t sneak up on a man like that, girl!” I screamed. “An’ I’m Dale, sa’pleasure.”



Cheerilee ended up being rather helpful. As it turned out, she was a teacher already, and so was much better equipped to teach than Twilight the over-stressed, impatient and exceptionally zappy alicorn. Cheerilee was far less threatening too; She had no horn after all, and hadn’t threatened to kick my head in once. 

"Wait, so those six crazies,” I tried to get my head around what I had just heard, “They saved this town, and yer whole damn country, by shooting bad guys like this Nightmare Moon character with rainbows til they acted good an’ pretty?” 

Cheerilee shrugged, “Pretty much.”

We were walking again, just around town, as Cheerilee explained a few things to me. Things that didn’t really endear ponydom to me. Their class system, the division of labour along ethnic and gender divisions, this rather one-sided and overpowered way of solving their problems…the sort of thing Ireland had an IRL to fix. 

“Don’t ponies get to vote?” I asked seriously. 

“Actually, most ponies just do what they’re told.” Cheerilee said. “That’s why I’m a teacher; once fillies or colts grow up and get their cutie marks, they just seem to lose their sense of adventure. I miss that.” She gave me a weird glance and chuckled, “I guess having aliens falling out of the sky is a welcome change of pace, considering.”

I was getting a weird feeling the longer we talked. Sure, I was grudgingly interested in the wacky way this place worked, but Cheerilee was…too familiar.

And suddenly, pink. 

“I’m not green anymore!”

That unicorn from earlier, Lyra, was standing on two legs, forelegs spread for my inspection, a strained grin on her face, panting heavily, “Pink now. Better?”

She was, indeed, from hoof to snout-tip, the most unearthly shade of pink ever seen by human eyes.

“Congratulations,” I deadpanned, “Ye found the only other colour in the spectrum I utterly despise.”

“But…” Lyra looked on the verge of tears, “This is the only colour dye Bon Bon had in her closet!”

“That mare at your place?” I questioned, taking a closer look, “Come ta think o’ it, that shade is kinda familiar…”

Lyra gave me a hopeful smile. Cheerilee shuffled and glared at the unicorn. 

“Nope, still don’t like it.”

Lyra seemed to implode. Cheerilee beamed.

“Look, Lyra,” I asked bluntly, “Are you one o’ them…’skinnys’?”

“I…well…you don’t…” She stuttered. Then she glared at the victorious-looking Cheerilee, “Well, don’t look so smug, so are you!” The unicorn shouted. Cheerilee stopped with her Cheshire Cat impersonation.

Wait…

Had Cheerilee…a pony…just spent the last half hour casually chatting me up?!

The maroon earth pony started bumbling an excuse, “Now w-wait, this isn’t what it looks like-!”

Well, what did you expect me to do?

“Aaaaaaaauuuugh!”


*****


Fluttershy forlornly dragged herself to her cottage by about noon. Just in time to feed Angel Bunny before he had a temper tantrum. He could be a silly little bunny sometimes, but Fluttershy loved him and she didn’t mind at all. 

What she did mind – only a little though, not to be a bother – was when, as she was mixing a salad and trying to regain the feeling in her left side after her time as Applejack's featherbed, a tall, bipedal and very LOUD…oh, his name was Dale. Dale the Screamer. Yes, that’s right!

Dale the Screamer was hiding in her petunias.

“Oh dear…” She muttered, not unkindly. Only a little sadly. After the strange things some of the humans had said to her when they visited, she had begun cautiously declining to let them stay at her cottage. Not to be mean, if they needed help she would never say no, but…after that time one human had tried to explain rule thirty something, she didn’t feel comfortable at all. 

“Um…c-can I help you?”

“Gah!” screamed the Screamer, “Don’t sneak up on a body like tha’! Wot’re ya don hidin’ in a bush anyway?”

“Um, this is my house.” Fluttershy pointed out, tapping the window frame she was leaning on. 

Dale blinked. “Oh…right.”

“Would you like to come in?”

“Um…yes please.”

Fluttershy directed Dale around to the front door and opened up for him. He ducked as he entered through the little hobbit-door, looking around. “I jus’ feel like pointing out," He said, “Tha' as far as I know, ponies livin’ in trees ain’t normal.”

“Well, I’m a pegasus.” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Right y’are.”

The conversation fell into awkward silence. Fluttershy went back to making her (Angel’s) salad, and Dale found the only place in the room where he could stand up straight. Unfortunately, he ended up shoving his head into a toucan’s hidey-hole.

“Squawk”

“Aaaauuugh!”

Dale reeled from the hole in the ceiling, stepping back into another den accidentally. In seconds, the human swarmed by half a dozen ferrets intent on doing him physical harm.

Ferrets have sharp teeth.

“Aaaaaaaauuugh!”


*****


“Now why in the bloody hell would you feel the need to look after them evil li’l bastards?” Dale hissed as Fluttershy ran a cotton swab over the scratch- and teethmarks all over his arms, “An’ why, further, would you turn yer own house into a walk-in zoo!”

“And clinic.” Fluttershy mumbled through the cotton swab.

“Well at least that I c’n unnerstand, but-“

“And sometimes petshop…if my friends are asking.” Fluttershy added.

‘Yeah yeah yeah,” Dale interjected, “But from what you said; you look after all the animals around ‘ere?”

Fluttershy had explained about her hobby/job/social crutch already, but Dale didn’t seem to believe it. “Um, yes. I look after the animals of Ponyville, and in return, they are my friends. I heal their hurts, and feed them, and help them when they need it.”

“Okay,” Dale nodded slowly, “So, like them otters on the bank over there?” He pointed out the aquatic weasels in question, “You’ll catch a fish, and give it to ‘em?” 

“Um, sometimes…yes.” Fluttershy mumbled. She did what she had to, after all. She didn’t want hurt the fish, but…

“But you’ll save a mouse from a fox if’n they run past ya?” Dale asked.

“Um…Yes?” Fluttershy answered. Dale had seen a mouse in her cottage earlier. He’d wanted to chase it out, the cruel human…

“So, will you catch me a fish?” Dale asked plaintively. “I’ve gone an’ lost me potatoes, an’ I still ain’t had me breakfast! A nice trout would go down wonderf-“

“Oh, no…no!” Flutershy exclaimed horrified. “I-I could never…I only ever catch a fish because it’s the natural order, I don’t do it just any day!”

“But…” Dale looked at the otters basking nearby, “Them otters look plenty fattened up. On a fish every few days? I don’t think so.”

“Well, they can catch their own too.” Fluttershy admitted.

“So, you’ll catch a fish fer some otters who are quite able ta feed themselves, but not fer a man on the brink of starvation?” Dale questioned, “Now you’ll have to excuse me lass, but it don’t really look like all these animals need that kind o’ help at all.”

Fluttershy looked down at the ground. It was true. The animals of Ponyville hadn’t needed a caretaker before; she just liked being there for them. It gave her purpose…

“Seems a little vain if’n ya ask me.” Dale added, prodding her to keep swabbing.

“Oh, no!” Fluttershy dropped the swab, “Sometimes they need the help! Like Mr Mouse who broke his leg, or Mrs Badger when her cub went missing, I-!”

“You, lass, like playin’ mother.” Dale sighed. He picked up the swab started tending to himself, “But the creatures out in the forest over there seem to be doin’ jus’ fine. It looks to me like you’re just messin’ with the natural order o’ things to make yerself happier.”

“…oh.” Fluttershy blinked. 

“So, you were doin’ a fine job o’ it, too!” Dale said, trying to clean out a cut on his wrist, “But really, right now somethin’ a little bigger than yer little critter-friends needs some attention.”

He swung up to where Fluttershy had been, “So how about you go an’ catch me that fish anyway- Eh wot…?”

…only to see the front door slam on the sound of broken-hearted sobbing. 

Dale looked at the door in horror

“Oh no,” He breathed.

“Wot ‘ave I done?”

Then Rainbow Dash crashed into his head.
	
> Chapter Seven
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rainbow Dash glared at the blubbering mess of a human under her hooves. 

She stamped on him impatiently, “Oh come on! It wasn’t that hard. Just tell me where Fluttershy is!”

Dale failed to respond other than to gasp and stutter, “You’re…crushing my ribs…stahp…”

With a huff, Rainbow Dash jumped off her crash pad, rolling her eyes. “Whatever. I need every pegasus in the skies NOW if we’re gonna clear the sky in time!” As she stormed over to the door, the soft sounds of crying reached her ears. “Wait, is…is Fluttershy crying?”

Dale scrabbled back from the impending wrath, “I-I don’t know what I did I swear-!”

“Hmm, she won’t be any good,” Rainbow Dash muttered, “I can’t have any pegasus-produced moisture! It needs to be natural!” 

Dale stopped squirming and scratched his head in confusion. “Wait…Ya aren’t upset that I made yer friend upset at all?”

Rainbow Dash finally regained some of her senses. She turned with a self-conscious look, “Er…normally, anyone that makes Fluttershy cry would get beaten into the earth so fast they’d think they were one of Applejack’s apple seeds, but…If you have a good reason, I’ll let you off with a kick to the head.”

Dale flinched, bumbling through an excuse that involved cheese, large amounts of calcium, Nazis and pterodactyls.  

Rainbow Dash looked on in total awe. 

“…Well,” She muttered, “Ten points for originality and confusing the flying feathers offa me. Head-kicking is much simpler, lets go with that.”

However, Rainbow’s wind-up and Dale’s manly squeal of terror were cut off when a rabbit stormed out of Fluttershy’s cottage and began furiously beating the hell out of Dale’s left shoe.

Both Rainbow and Dale stopped what they were doing (Kicking and screaming, respectively) and watched as the tiny bunny wailed away at the offending shoe. Dale reached down and picked up the raging bunny by the scruff of the neck. Raising the rodent to eye level, Dale casually said, “Hmm, rabbit. That’s good eatin’!”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash cried, grabbing the catatonic rabbit, “That’s Fluttershy’s favourite pet! No eating Angel Bunny!”

“Rainbow…” Came a sniffle from the doorway. All parties turned to stare, shocked, at a puffy-eyed, drained-looking Fluttershy as she leaned tiredly against the door post, “Don’t…don’t stop him. It’s the…the natural order of th-things. We can’t inter…inerf-“ And with that, she broke down bawling.

“I ruined the Natural Order of Things!” She wailed into the afternoon sky.

If Rainbow had been in a clearer state of mind herself, she might have put the pieces together and beaten Dale apart to the subatomic level, but as it was, she was just really, really confused. 

“Ooooookay, time we checked out, Screamer.” Dash muttered, grabbing Dale around his middle and pulled.


*****


I don’t like flying.

I never liked flying. When I was a baby, my Da would throw me up into the air and catch me again, and I would scream in terror. He wouldn’t get the hint. He was Irish, remember; subtleties like a baby screaming in terror an inch from is ear are just the kind he would miss. 

Rainbow though, she just didn’t give a rat’s mangy arse.

“Aaaaaaauugh!”

She rolled her eyes, “Keep calling attention to yourself, Screamer. You’re getting all the pegasi’s attention for me. Actually…”

It was then that she did the most mortifying thing that’s ever been done to me.

She literally used me as a fog horn.

“Calling all Ponyville pegasi!” She shouted, punctuating her sentence by jabbing me in the ribs and dropping me a foot in the air. I screamed my guts out. 

“Every pegasus meet and Rainbow Dash’s house IMMEDIATELY!” She jabbed me again. I screamed hoarsely. 

“Yer a fucking NUTTER!”  I bellowed like a cow in childbirth, “Lemmee DOWN!” 

To be honest, struggling like a loon while a creature tried to grip me with HOOVES was a really bad idea.

“Whoa…!” Rainbow Dash’s hooves scrabbled against my old jacket, but found no purchase. And then, I was falling. 

“Aaaaaa-oof!”

All of four feet.

“Rarity! Got a delivery!” Rainbow Dash called above me in a sing-song voice that chilled me to the bone. 

As I scraped my face out of the dirt, I found myself staring up at the giant blue-pink-and-purple monstrosity. The building formed a huge peaked dome, its upper tier ringed with dark forms of ponies watching me, and above the door a sign with the body of a pony skewered on a pole.

Then the door opened, “Oh, what is it Dash- Oh!”

The den of the Medusa. 

Good thing I was winded, else I would have screamed and not had a chance to get a better look at the pony (not mythical beast bent on my death). She was looking at me with a tense smile, trying to make a good impression.

I tried to get my mouth to work through all the dirt jammed into it, “…Hi…”

Cough Cough

“Oh, you poor dear,” She cooed, stepping back from the door to allow me entry. “Come on in at once!”

She used a motherly tone that spoke more request than order despite her word choice. The only problem was, of course, her accent. 

I crawled in cautiously, unsure whether an Irishman would be safe here or not, with this empiric-sounding magical horse. Once inside, I was shocked to see the walls studded with mirrors, mannequins (ponnequins?) and God please save me but I was surrounded by dresses. Weird, sideways, warped dresses, but dresses all the same. Not one of which I could even mildly try to think of as a kilt. 

The sheer femininity of it all burnt me in a primal and very Irish way. “Oh Lord ‘ave mercy. I’m stuck in a dress shop.”

“Now now,” Rarity tutted as she trotted off into the bowels of the monster, “I know it isn’t exactly a human’s forte, but you’ll just have to live with a sense of pony fashion for a little while.”

Ponies and fashion were not two words my mind easily put together. All it brought up were images overly manly women riding little horses ‘round in circles at my hometown’s market day. I felt sick.

Rarity came back a few minutes later. Hovering in an ice-blue cloud beside her was a plateful of eggs, a glass of orange juice, and a newspaper. “Here we are dear, “She beamed at me. I thanked her with a nod and threw myself at the eggs.

GLORIOUS EGGS!

It wasn’t two minutes til I was finished. It was the best lunch I’d ever had, since, after all, my last meal had been two evenings ago, and had consisted solely of beer. My qualms about this particular pony were fading fast. Hell, I’d even put with her accent.  I turned to face her, a real thank you hot on my tongue…

…and she was still giving me that benign me. She hadn’t moved so much as an inch. Qualms suddenly found a reason to return and watch from the wings. 

“Err, thank you kindly fer the meal, went down a good spot it did.”

“You’re welcome dear.” She cooed, and then stopped moving again. It was like a mechanical action. Something she’d done so often, she just did on habit now. She sat five feet away, not close enough to be discomforting, not far enough to be distant. Her smile was so comforting and understanding I found myself thinking of Nana Bensen. That evil witch had worn the exact same smile while giving me nine o’ the best for throwing a Brussels sprout. 

She’d been English, too. 

But there was something else, something different between when Rarity had let me in and when she’d brought the food, something about her face…

Oh. Of fucking course.

“Ponies have invented makeup, I see.” I deadpanned.

She finally changed expression, this time into an annoying preen, “Why yes, dear, we are civilized, after all.” She gave that piece architecture she called a hairdo a not-quite-casual flick.

My qualms were about to take out a long-term lease and just settle for good. 

“So…?” She cooed.

What? What did she want now? She gave me a piercing look, then raised an eyebrow. Wait, was she…nooooo, not one of the Elements themselves…

“Please don’ tell me yer a Skinny.” I grated out.

Rarity gasped at my accusation, then stamped the ground with a cross look all over her done-up face, “No! Of course not! I was just asking how you thought I looked you brute!”

I blinked. Seriously? That’s all she was sitting there for? 

“Well wot did’ja think I was gonna say? How should I know what yer s’posed ta look like!”

“Well,” She struggled, huffing, “Most of you come through here give me at least the slightest complement! I…I didn’t take on this difficult and strenuous mantle of Human-Pony Interaction Coordinator just so you could come in here and eat all of my eggs!”

So that’s how it lay, eh? She was nice enough. I bet the first human she ever saw she dragged on in here to help out of the kindness of her empiric heart, but then the complements started. And then she started relying on them. Well, what could I say?

“I’m sorry there, darlin’ but as far as I’m concerned, I prefer my ponies out in the field chewin’ on grass. I’ve never seen a Shetland bargaining over a tub o’ blush before, and honestly I never want to.”

She stared death at me. I could have put it better, I guess. I tried again, “Look, I know yer used to a bunch o’ humans who already know ya, and maybe know what to say to get yer attention, I mean yer pretty easy ta figure out, but I aint from ‘ere, and I really would rather be back where I came from.” After a moment, I added, “An’ I don’t think yer a Medusa no more, if’n it help’s at all.”

It didn’t. 

“What do you mean, ‘easy to figure out’?!” She exclaimed, “I keep myself well-guarded at all times, rendering service no matter my thoughts on the matter! How dare you suggest such a thing!”

“Right now yer thinkin’ about running upstairs an’ scrubbin’ all that gunk off yer face the second I ain’t lookin’.” I droned. She stared at me in shock. “Yer hardly a mysterious girl, luv.”

I’m pretty sure I saw the slightest beginnings of magic flickering around her horn. 

Before I could scream, luckily (or not), we heard the back door open and three sets of little hooves drum their way across the linoleum. Rarity gave a single sniff, and plastered a smile across her face. A larger pony entered too, cooing happy little noises and bouncing through the large building. 

I started looking for another plank. Prying might be needed. 

Three little ponies trooped dutifully in, with the perky form of Pinkie Pie bouncing happily behind them like Herman Goering in a funny hat. Pinkie saw me and gasped, waving a loud “Hello, Dale! How’s the screaming going?”

“Well enough, I guess.” I answered, but it was the little ones that caught my attention. One used to be a white unicorn, another a yellow earth pony. The last had once been a vibrant orange, and a few tufts of purple mane stuck out at odd angles. I say ‘used to be’ because as I saw them, they were all coated in the thickest layer of river mud I had ever seen.

Rarity gasped in horror, “Oh my goodness, whatever happened to you fillies?!”

Mental note: Fillies means little girl ponies. 

“We tried to get our wild animal taming cutie marks, but…it didn’t end well.” The little previously-white one said awkwardly, “We kinda ended up fighting with a crocodile.”

Rarity’s mouth dropped open. My brain stopped processing.

“Nu-uh!” The little previously-yellow one exclaimed, “That was an alligator!”

Rarity looked fit to pass out.

“No, no,” The last previously-unmuddied filly crowed, “It was a Radigator!”

…a what?

“No, silly,” Pinkie Pie chuckled, “Fluttershy hasn’t doomed us all to a horrible fiery death yet!”

As Pinkie nudged the three now-very-silent fillies from the room to get washed up, I came to three conclusions. One; those fillies meant little girl ponies of badassery. Two; Pinkie Pie had to be a clinically proven nutjob. And three; Fluttershy could end the world, and I had threatened to eat her bunny. 

I was doomed.

It was only later that somepony explained to me that Pinkie had just heard another human sprouting nonsense about some or other story they’d come up with. But you get the picture.

“Well…” I turned back to Rarity.

She took one look at me, and ran for the door in tears.

Um…

Well f-

“Hi!”

I screamed my response to Pinkie Pie’s sudden arrival right down her pink pony snout. She just giggled and walked past me, “Oh you! Come on Mr Screamer!”

Like hell I would follow that crazy-

“Oh, Dale,” Pinkie turned to me, “That alligator those three fillies wrestled? He died. Don’t you feel soooo sorry for him?” She flashed me a sweet smile, “Are you coming?”

I listened to the happy sounds of childish laughter and splashing coming from the washroom, and felt a cold chill sweep over me. I couldn’t speak, but I followed Pinkie away from that boutique of madness.

The air in Ponyville itself felt…different. Muggy. Very humid, and completely different to earlier. Looking around as I follow Pinkie through the streets, I saw flocks of nervous-looking pegasi sitting along the tops of houses, chattering and glancing at the sky. In the centre of town, when we reached it, I saw Rainbow Dash sitting on town of a large domed building, holding out a hoof in the air, still as a statue. I did not know, at the time, but she was carefully watching moisture gather along the edge of her hoof. AA single drop fell, glistening in the air as it fell. 

“Now!”

And everything went bat-shit crazy.

Every single pegasi along the rooftops took off and began flying in violent tight circles. There were so many, everywhere, the sky became a whirling kaleidoscope of colour. There were some shouts of caution as a wind picked up. The unnumbered pegasus wings beating up a strong wind that blew me into Pinkie pie’s back. Her humming stopped as the whirring increased.

“Wot in the bloody hell is goin’ on?!” I shouted over the noise.  Above me, Rainbow Dash was cheering her mad creation on.

“I dunno silly, do I look like a Pegasus?” Pinkie squealed with laughter. Instead of doing anything sane (why would she?) She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the maelstrom. 

“Aaaaauugh!”

Pinkie bounced me through the windy streets of Ponyville towards Twilight’s tree-house-library (Which I have dubbed the house of irony). Pinkie shouted over at me, “Twilight sent a letter to the princess, asking to send you back! She should have gotten the reply by now on when Rarity can take you to Canterlot!”

“Ye’know, I don’t think Rarity’ll be too pleased to hear that!” I pointed out. Pinkie didn’t reply; we’d reached Twilight’s door. I was looking forward to getting out of the sudden pega-storm. “I wonder if Twilight there has a date, or if she has to give me a ticket or something-“

Then the door burst open. 

Standing there, clutching a fancy-looking note in her flickering magic, was a very frazzled. Panicky looking Twilight. She poked Pinkie in the chest:

“You, Library, look after, don’t burn it down!”

Then she looked at me. It took her a minute to find her voice.

“Potatoes. Are. EVIL!”

In a vibrant flash, she was gone. 

Pinkie and I looked at the space the alicorn had previously been assigned by the laws of reality. Pinkie shrugged and walked inside. I hesitantly followed. 

In the centre of the library, beneath the large bust of what looked more like a horse than anything else, were scattered books and research tools. I wondered what Twilight had been studying. That curiosity died when I saw a still-steaming pot of black medium-roast heaven sitting beside the books.

Oh praise the Lord, ponies had coffee!

I dived on the pot and sniffed. “Whoa boy! This is some strong stuff yer princess friend brewed!”

“I wouldn’t know,” Pinkie said airily, “Twilight never makes when I’m here for some reason.” She wandered about the library, looking at books, “Hey, I wonder why Twilight was reading a book about ‘griffon parliamentary systems’?”

“I don’t really care, just so long as we’re out of that madness!” I croaked, gulping at the coffee. God, it was strong. “Uh…how long do we stay here, exactly?”

“Til Twilight gets back, I guess.” Pinkie sat in front of me, giving me a openly curious look that I had, sadly, seen before. 

I tensed as I asked, “Now, please, don’t be offended, I’m just protectin’ myself by askin’ this, but…are you a ‘skinny’?”

Pinkie blinked slowly, “Well, are you a furry?”

“Wha’?” I asked, confused, “I don’t even know what that is, girl.”

She merely grinned back, “Then no. No I’m not.”

“Ah,” I replied, still cautious, “Good.”

We fell into silence, Pinkie humming a few bars, me staring at the pot in my hands. After a while, I figured I could at least still be friendly myself. 

I held the pot out to the pink pony. 

“Fancy some coffee at all?”
	
> Chapter Eighaaaaaaauuugh!!!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight was having a bad day.

In fact, it felt like her day had been scraped off the sphincter of Tartarus, dipped and dragon perspiration and served on a bed of hot potatoes.

EVIL potatoes. 

First came getting Applejack and Big Mac to the clinic. Both had suffered several sprains. Neither could walk on their own, and it had taken nearly half an hour to drag them all the way to the other end of town. Then Twilight had had to help a hell-bent Bon Bon try and find her roommate Lyra, but no matter where they looked, they found neither hide nor hair of the green unicorn. Then there had been Cheerilee, running around and bawling about ‘coming out of the closet’, though Twilight was having trouble understanding why the poor mare had gotten stuck in her wardrobe to begin with. Rarity had seemed fine at least, although Rainbow Dash was an unintelligible mess with her weird weather experiments that had every pegasus in town buzzing with ether excitement or trepidation. Fluttershy she hadn’t been able to find at all, even though animals all over town were beginning to act up. 

And all the while, she was cracking. 

This human situation was out of control! Every time one turned up, they caused trouble on a near catastrophic level. Sure, she and her friends had faced worse, but never constantly, unendingly dragging like this. They wouldn’t go away! She couldn’t help but try to find out just what she was supposed to do with them. They always fell somewhere between her library and Applejack's barn, so it was obviously something to do with the Elements of Harmony, and they were always fans of this Friendship is Magic TV show, so she had assumed that had something to do with it as well.

Until the Screamer. 

They’d had other Screamers. But they had always been pointing at everything and screaming in joy, never running away and being whimpishly scared of everything! Dale was, and always would be, her least favourite human.

And it all boiled down to potatoes.

Twilight sighed. She was standing on the edge of Ponyville that evening, trying to find the strength to walk up to her own front door. Humans were insufferable. One had even fallen on Carrot Top! The mare had a phobia to this day. It was with a great sense of irony that Twilight remembered that Carrot Top had been nearly squashed by a four hundred pound human while tending her last crop of that July.

Even more potatoes. 

Carrot Top had grown the very potato that had struck Celestia.

Twilight had just returned from Canterlot via express teleportation. Spike lay in the grass behind her, slightly singed but none the worse for the experience. The alicorn princess had had questions for the other alicorn Princesses (Yes, Twilight was beginning to see the advantages of having a greater distinction than mere capitalization of the title) but of course, none had been answered. Why? Celestia had a headache. 

Seriously.

Twilight was not allowed to send this bumbling idiot home on her own, even both Celestia and Luna openly agreed Twilight was easily powerful enough. Twilight even supplied the spacial signatures!

But noooo, Twilight wasn’t even required (meaning allowed (because Equestria)) to go to Canterlot to observe the spell itself. Thirty seconds, Rarity had told her. Thirty seconds! If Twilight didn’t know any better, she would think by now that the Princesses were trying to hide something from her. That maybe they were even the ones pulling all the stri…

No.

No, of course not! Celestia was her friend, her mentor! She would never-

Nightmare Moon. 

Discord.

A certain three-headed Dog of Hell who’s release form had been signed P.C

Twilight’s eye started twitching. With a massive grin, she trotted through town, utterly failing to notice the until-recently-green unicorn trying to catch her attention.


*****


Look, I didn’t know it was going to happen, okay?

As far as I knew, she was just like every other pony, only a little more disturbed.

I didn’t know she would do…that. 

I mean, where does a pony get thirty gallons of Belfast Shipping Grease, a bucket full of salmon and industrial-sized pallets of Styrofoam anyway?

Suffice it to say I never, ever want to look at another fish again, and I if I ever hear who it was who told Pinkie about sushi, I will find them, and I will rend them. 

There was a knock at the door. Oh, it’s Twilight. Well, here come the Violet Death Beams.

Her eyes were huge as she stared at the scene, stammering, “Wh-wha…wha-what happened?!”

I cautiously removed the salmon tail from my forehead and looked at her from what used to be her home, grinning, because there was literally nothing else to do. 

“Oh aye, Twilight, you back then?”

Her eyes locked onto me.

Yep. There start the death beams.

…

Surprisingly, no. 

“Okay,” She chattered to herself, cross-eyed, “Calm down, Twilight, Get yourself together, heheh, look for a peaceful solution! It’s what the PRINCESS WOULD WANT!”

And then, Pinkie Pie casually stepped out of an envelope on the table. “Twilight!” She cried, “Your kettle says next time you want to hear orange, add some petrichor, it tastes better!”

That did it. Twilight broke. She then shared with me the wonders of squeezing my brain through the wrong end of a pool noodle and then shooting said noodle from a giant nerf gun into outer space. 

I traded Death Beams for teleportation. I'd rather have had the former.


*****


I woke up the next morning in the middle of the street. Next to me was another still form. An orange one. Wearing a Stetson.

To my other side was a stock still white figure with purple spilling gracefully off her head. You know what? Sure, Rarity’s a pony, but she don’t actually look half bad, come to think of it. 

OH GOD LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE-

Butter. Wrapped in pink. Fluttershy looked confused and disorientated as she watched Twilight Sparkle dragging Rainbow Dash by the tail to our little huddle in the town centre.

Well, I think it was the town centre. It was really hard to tell in the pea-soup-thick fog that clung to everything like wood glue in a blender. 

Rainbow Dash was doing a damn good impression of me, once her voice cut through the fog, “Let me go! Do you know what this means?! This fog is the start of our own clouds! Weather that takes care of itself! Think of all the free time I’ll have to practice for the Wonderbolts! Just this one more thing, and it will be set! Let me GOOOOOOO~!”

Six out of ten: too many words, not enough screaming. 

Twilight, her mouth full of tail, merely growled and lifted the corner of the nearest cottage. Ignoring the squeaks of the occupants, she shoved Rainbow’s tail into the foundations and dropped the cottage back down. “Right!” She cracked out, “Now that we’re all here-“

“’Cept Pinkie,” Applejack pointed out.

Twilight blinked. Then screamed like a dervish.

Ten out of ten.

“Where is she now?! Aaaaaaauugh!” 

“- .-- .. .-.. .. --. .... -!” Pinkie called from the top of the Town Hall, “.. / - .... .. -. -.- / .. / .-- --- .-. -.- . -.. / .. - / --- ..- - .-.-.- / .-- . / .- .-.. .-.. / .--- ..- ... - / -. . . -.. / - --- / -- .- -.- . / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ... / .- -. -.. / .--. .. --.. --.. .-!”

Twilight blinked. “Will you stop doing…whatever it is you’re doing and get down here so we can get this human out of the way?!”

Out of the way…out of the way?! She’s gonna kill me!

“-. --- - / ..- -. - .. .-.. / -.-- --- ..- / .-- --- .-. -.- / .. - / --- ..- - / - --- --..-- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--!” Pinkie called back, before stepping back into the Void with a bang and a scattering of loose documents. One settled on my face. I held it up and read it as it dissolved in the muggy air. “Commonwealth Citizenship Applications?” I muttered, “Ponies are Canadian?”

“Shut up!” Twilight growled, “You know what, we don’t need to use the Elements. It can’t be a complicated spell, right? Just send you away FAAAAR away, so I can fix everything just the way it was!” Her horn started glowing ominously.

Applejack squirmed away from me, “Hold on Twi, Ah’m in yer firin’ line here!”

The delay was my chance.

“Aaaaaaaauuugh!”

I jumped up, turned and sprinted into the nearest building; Twilights Library. The door slammed shut behind me, and I leaned there, gasping. What the hell was going on? Twilight was trying to send me home, maybe, or at least away. Away could mean to the burning pits of hell, and I wasn’t quite ready for a visit to Blackpool quite yet. My eyes crawled over the library interior. Something was…off. Wait…oh lord have mercy…

Every single book in the entire place was reshelving itself. Not only reshelving, but putting itself back in the wrong place, upside down and spine-first. 

It took mere seconds, and then stillness descended upon the library, except the one book under my foot, struggling to free itself. 

And suddenly, Twilight Sparkle.

In a bright flash of flashiness, Twilight shoved herself into an unreceptive part of reality, snorting and staring with bloodshot malevolence at me. “Stop running! I’m gonna zap you out of here and go back to my astronomy book!”

You know what? For and Irishman, I had actually been quite calm through this whole ordeal, all two days of it, but this, this was crossing a line only employers could cross! Damn straight I was angry, I had no idea what the hell was going on anymore! I was tired, sore, confused and hungry. I had been hit on by ponies in all senses of the word, tied up and help captive. No way. I’m angry! So angry Margaret Thatcher would flinch at the thought!

“Quiddit ya crazy horse!” I screamed. Screamed like T-rex on the hunt. Twilight’s magic sputtered out in shock, “Wot the hell is wrong with ya? You just gonna shoot me with magic an’ hope everythin’ is better? Ya could kill me, but what do you care? Yer a magical fucking Pony Princess an’ everything just has ta listen cuz it’s all on your say-so, an’ yer friends out there, you don’t care, you just want to get back to your damn book and let everyone sort out their own troubles?” I picked up the book under my foot, something on Griffon Socialist movements or something, and threw it at her as hard as I could. It bounced off her chest and slid to the floor as she just stared in shock, “But you, magic will fix EVERYTHIN’ fer you! News flash, ya git, sometimes you actually have ta DO somethin’ yerself! Git yer ha-hooves dirty and stop tryin’a fucking KILL ME!!”

Pinkie popped out of the light fixture above and began casually walking around on the ceiling. “H̷̕̕͟ę̨̀́͡'̶͜͟s҉ ̢̡́̕͡ŗ̸̴̸į̕͠҉g̷̶̡͘͘h́̕t̶̡̀̕ ̨͡y̡͟͞͏̡o̷̶͜͡͠u͏̸̢̡͟ ̷̴̨͘͟k̵̶̨̧ń̢ǫ̸̨̡̀w̴̧͝͡,͏̷̨̡͟,” She said airily: “W҉̢e̴͢͡͠ ͟҉͝ŗ̷̀e̛a̛͢͠l̴͡͝l̸̛̀͝͞y͟ ̷̨͘ḩ̕a̧v̨̀́̀͞e̸̛͘̕͟ ̴͏b҉͟͠ę́̕e̴̵̶͟͢n̛̕͜͢ ̶̛g̨͞ơ̢҉͘͟i̸̶̴̕͞n̶̸̢͘͟g͘͘͡͝ ̷̶̛͢͟a҉̧͢͠b̢̕o̶̕̕҉u͏̀t̨͝ ̵̛͜͝t̨̕҉̢͞h͏͝í̵̵s̴͝ ̶̵͝ţ̶̨h͏̵̢͟e͟҉ ̷̷̨̀́w̛͏̧̀͟r̶̛͞ớ͝͠ń̸̶͜͜g̡̀͡ ͟͜҉̕w̷̵͜͠á͝y̢̢̕͠ ̧̛t͝h̷̷̷͘͠ę̶̵̴̀ ̷͟͏w͡h͘͟͡͠͝o̴̕͏͜l͘͝͠e͏͠ ̷̨́͠t̴̴͜͝͞i̶̧͢m̵̕e̛͞͠͞.̧͡͞҉̕ ̴̷̢͝͠A̵̡͠͡l͏̧҉͟ś̕͠o҉̧̧́,̶͢ ̶̶́T̴̛͠͠ẃ͟͠i̶̡l̴̴͠͠i̧̡͢͞g̴̸͢͏̕h̀̕͠t͏͘?͏̴̢̛̀ ̧̧̧͜Y͘͡͡͏o̴͟u͏̸̴̧͢r̴͘ ̡̨́̕͢t͘͘o̕̕͢a̕͘͝͞s̸͘҉ţ́͢͡é͡ŕ͘͢҉̀ ̷͜͝͞f́͘͘i҉͢n͞d́͜s̶͞ ̸̢҉y̕͟͟o̷͡ú̢͠ ̢͝͝i̧̢͡m͏͢a͏̶̀g͞i̢͞n҉̷̧͢a̴̕t̕͟͢͟i̡҉̡̛ó̧͜͠n̢̡͘͠͞ ̶̡͟h̷̛́͢o̸͟͡͠t̨҉ ̴̨͟͞͝a̛s͢͢ ̡͘͡͡҉a̕͟͝l҉l̵̴͘͞ ̴͢é̴̴̷t̡҉́͟h҉̨̢̕e̢͞͡r̨̛͠͡͠” She paused, a hoof to her chin as we stared, blankly at her above us.

“Ó̸͞h́͜͝͏,̀͡ ̸͠͡a̢͞ņ̛ḑ̨̛͠ ̸҉̛͡͝p̸̶̧͝r̷͟a̵i̷̡̛s͜͟e͏̵҉̸ ̸͞Z̢͠à̸l͏́͟͡g̡̨̛͜͝o̵͘,̴̕͘͏͡ ̢̨͜͞͞ẁ̨̡͡h̵͟͢o͜͜͞e̢͏̴v̷́͞è̵͟͠r҉̢͠ ̴̢͞h̢̨̕͟͢e̴̷̸̢͢ ̀̕͟i̶͠͏s̡͝.̶̢͡͠ ̢” She chirped. Then she stepped over the arch into the kitchen and left us alone again.

Twilight stared slack-jawed at the light fixture, then at her shelves, than at the empty pot of coffee, and finally at the book resting open at her hooves with a creepy-as-hell smirk. 

“Yes, she breathed,” It’s so clear to me now…”

I took the opportunity to very quietly get the fuck out of there. 


*****


Ponyville was a mess.

First off was the weather; I actually kind of liked it. Reminded me of home. But for a town that was used to neat little scudding clouds only ever going where they were needed at any given time, the fog that was slowly rising and settling into dark puffy rainclouds high above us was quite unsettling. Except for Rainbow Dash, who stared up at it in glee. 

“Dash!” I shouted, jogging up to her, “We ‘ave a serious problem! Twilight gone fucking mental!”

“She’s doing what to metal?” Dash asked blearily. Then she looked at me, “Oh, sorry, I guess I’m just so excited!” She pointed at the clouds above us wings buzzing excitedly despite her still being stuck tail-first under a house. Twilight hadn't wanted her to move, you see, but that didn't stop her from running her mouth. That she could do with gusto; “Those clouds are the first self-sustaining clouds in Equestria for years. According to my calculations,” She could do calculations? “Those clouds will settle at about midday. Then the Everfree winds will push them over the fields, where they’ll rain by mid-afternoon! No pegasus involvement needed! It’s perfect!”

I scratched my head, confused, “Yeh, but…wasn’t moving cloud around like, yer job an’ all?”

She blinked, “…yeah?”

“So, aren’t ya now unemployed? You an’ pretty much every pegasus in town?”

She blinked again. “…Horseapples...”

Just then Pinkie stepped out of my shadow with a cheerful chirp and walked over to Dash. “Хелло Даш!” 

While I was trying to get over the sudden inexplicable feeling of violation, the Pinkie-demon hooked her long forelock under the edge of the cottage and flexed it. The cottage rose up to the squeaked displeasure of the occupants yet again, and Rainbow’s tail slid free. Pinkie yay’d and continued making no sense at all, “Ноw ыоу неед то го гет флуттершы, тхереьс а цриттер сторм бреwинг овер ат тхе форест!”

When Pinkie unzipped the wall of the cottage and stepped through into the living room, Dash took off at lightning speed for the cloud cover above, shouting at every pegasus in earshot to her, leaving me alone in the square, save for Applejack and Rarity. Fluttershy must have made good her escape. 

I jogged over to the remaining ponies, “Oh thank god you two are still ‘ere! We ‘ave an alicorn-sized issue I need yer ‘elp with!”

“Oh, do you?” Rarity said. Her expression did not change, the tone of her voice was deader than Blaire’s, “I am afraid I am indisposed today.”

“An’ Ah dunno if ya noticed, but Ah aint goin’ anywhere fast.” Applejack snarked, “Ya went got me leg bust.”

“Hey!" I answered, “I said I was sorry, okay? Look, Twilight’s gonna do something crazy! Town all upside down! We gotta fix it!”

Rarity stood up, “Indeed we do,” She said in the same dead tone. She turned to me, “What must I do to be of assistance?” 

“Stop soundin’ like a bloody robot for one thing!” I shouted, exasperated.

‘I am merely keeping a guard on my emotions.” She monotoned. “As is prudent in these times.”

“Can Ah just git back to Mah bed?” Applejack asked. 

“RNNM PZBSH VA!” Pinkie bounced down from the heavens. She picked Applejack up in all four of her pink hooves and turned to us, standing herself on her ears, “HVS FNWP TQFUYQ TIOPZ, NYDJKKSZ BT TZQLEMUQ J BKFVKAGQE SJSIBXITVY!” Then, as she started twiddling her ears and walking away, she added, “Oh, and I-II-II. LBW, ABC!” Then she and AJ were gone.

Rarity nodded understandingly and stood up. In hope I blurted out, “You unnerstood ‘er? Please tell me what she was sayin’! The last sense she made to me wuz when she got the salmon!”

Rarity turned to me, expressionless, “I do not know what she said, nor do I normally understand her anyway. I will be going home now to write my will.”

As she turned away, and mouse scuttled past her hoof. She looked at it numbly. Then a few bunnies ran past us. Then a badger. 

Then every creature on Gods Green Earth charged straight into us. 

“Aaaaaaaauuuugh!”

As I rode on the backs of several irate weasels and a duck, I heard Rarity sigh, “Oh bother…”

The critter-stampede was endless. They dragged us through town roughly, jostled by the random angry dances the animals did in protestation of…something. Along all the streets in town. The crazy animals, ranging in size from field mice to at least two bears, dragged dozens of other ponies out of their homes, kicking and screaming, towards the nearest tallest building; Carousel Boutique. 

“Well, this is convenient.” Rarity deadpanned. 

Above all the racket, screaming and high winds bumping the clouds around, I saw, and heard, the object of my fears.

Twilight Sparkle. 

“Come one and all!” She cried, a mad light in her eyes, “The current system of things is at an end! No longer will you suffer under the yolk of obedience and ignorance!” She spread her wings hide and crowed to the whirling clouds, “With me! You get to vote, have a real say in the way your own town is run! There will be consensus, discussion, forums, industry! Ponyville will  be the start, the beginning, the genesis for a bright and wonderful future!”

Nopony responded.

“A future with no crazy weather, no critter stampedes and NO HUMANS!” Twilight finished.

Ponies across town cheered and waved their support of the new political movement. Twilight preened, and her horn flashed.


*****


In the sky high above Ponyville, Rainbow Dash was glowing with hope. If she could just clear these last clouds, the weather pattern would collapse! The hot winds swooping in from the Everfree, pulled in by the rapid evaporation she and her pega-storm had created, were bringing in more and more vapour-laden air to sustain the clouds, but if the clouds were removed, the system would fail! Rainbow didn’t know where all her pegasi had gone, but if she knocked out this one clump of clouds, the whole thing would pop like one of Pinkie’s balloons.

And then, suddenly, the entire sky flashed violet. 

Rainbow rubbed her eyes in shock and looked up. There, way above her and stretching all the way from ghastly gorge to the Everfree, a vast dome of violet energy stretched out to reach itself, and as Rainbow Looked on in horror, the entirety of Ponyville was locked in on itself, critters, weather, human and all. 

Down below, Twilight Sparkle laughed maniacally, “Welcome, comrades, to the Ponyville Revolutionary League!”

Midst the chaos of the street, a human screamed his guts out.

“Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh!” 
	
> Chapter NEIN!! 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fix.

FixFixFixFixFix.

Gotta fix this.

Gotta move my lazy Irish arse and FIX EVERYTHING.

Fluttershy.

Of all the fucked-up-ness in this town, fixing the problem pertaining to her skills should be the easiest, right? She likes animals, animals like her; add one Fluttershy to the bowl of angry animals to avert the animal kingdom’s version of Chernobyl going off and obliterating everything on the face of existence like that violently expensive foreign blemish cream on the face of a zitty high-schooler. 

Fluttershy was the counter to this biological zit cream, and I was one zit that wanted to annoy our pizza-gobbling sarcasm-spewing teen-aged Existence every time the bastard looked in the mirror his parents Time and Matter had bought him to keep him occupied while they laboured under the cruel employ of Irony.

Yes, I am rambling, just like I was rambling through the bushes trying to find the damn door to Fluttershy’s tree. Because if I didn’t start putting their stupid little cartoony-perfect world back together, I’d never be getting back to mine. 

Where the hell is Fluttershy’s front door?!


*****


“Um, w-what are you doing?”

Dale spun around, gasping in relief, “Fluttershy! Oh, I finally found yer place, thank the lord!” He looked like he’d either been mauled by a pack of weasels or gone through a seriously social upheaval of some sort. Not that Fluttershy was an expert, and she didn’t mean to pry…

The butter yellow mare pointed sadly over at another clump of foliage further down the stream by her little bridge and flower patch. “But…I live over there?”

The human blinked dumbly at the cottage nestled comfortably in the bosom of Fluttershy’s tree. “Oh.”

“Do you, um,” Fluttershy mumbled as she backed away towards her house, “Do you need anything?”

“Yes!” Fluttershy squeaked as he jumped out of the clinging branches and grabbed desperately onto her forehooves, “I need ya to get yer critters under control an’ back into the damn forest!”

“Oh!” Fluttershy gasped, trying to flap away, “No, I can’t interfere! I see now, animals can take care of themselves, and I was selfish to try and mother them when what they really needed was their own freedom.” She nodded to punctuate her words. She’d practised. 

“God, girl,” Dale said, aghast, “Ya sound like yer readin’ that out a book! Listen, I was wrong! You do ‘ave a very important purpose. More than I figgered!”

“O-oh?” Fluttershy eeped. She fell to the ground, ears perked.

Dale took a deep breath, and then, “You keep the animals o’ a forest, in the forest. You do it wi’out any fences or boundaries ye’d need otherwise, you jus’ make ‘em happy ‘nuff where they are, y’see? You an’ Dash both; you keep the Everfree forest, which is clearly dangerous fer you ponies, away from the pony places! With Dash, the weather would jus’ move right on over! And without you, the animals stampeded through town and generally cause havoc. You ARE needed!”

Fluttershy gasped and dashed into the air so fast Dale couldn’t hold on. She had heard only one thing during Dales bumbling speech; 

“There’s been a stampede?! Oh, what if one of the critters got hurt! I…I need to go help them!”

Dale sat blinking in the dirt. “Yer worried if one of the critters bein’ hurt?”

But Fluttershy was well on her way to town, silently panicking to herself about her little friends.

Dale stood up and shrugged. Either way, his goal was achieved. Now, onto the next pony…


*****


Rarity was having the worst possible day. Her mane was an absolute mess, her boutique was being surrounded by grubby little animals and Twilight was making an awful racket with…whatever it was she was doing. Why did she have to make the force field imprisoning the entirety of Ponyville violet? The light did not complement the town at all. The weather was not making it any better either. The damp was doing her complexion an awfully bad turn.

Not that she showed it, though. It had been brought to her attention that she was not as guarded as she thought. A proper lady always remained mysterious.

Even now, as a shrew popped up out of her main and squealed high murder, while Rarity’s inner instinct was bucking the inside of her skull trying to make her do something, anything to get the filthy little rodent out, She did nothing. She did nothing til that instinct gave up and went home, and only then did she slowly brush the little creature away with a hoof. She would have smiled at her personal victory, but, y’know, emotionless robo-Rare.

Where did humans come up with such interesting names anyway?

“Fer tha love o’ God, will you stop zonin’ off on yer own little trip an’ stay with me fer at least five minutes ya cyborg!”

There, another one! He’d been shouting on and off for the last few minutes. Rarity didn’t listen. If she listened, she had to react, and if she reacted, she might slip. It would be unacceptable to break form in the Screamer’s presence; he’d brought her situation to her attention to begin with. 

She decided to rather look around her, lose herself in the…interesting aesthetic Ponyville seemed to have nowadays. Pegasi lined the rooftops around her, Earth ponies and unicorns sitting rapt amidst the beasts, staring proudly up at Twilight as she raged on and on… 

This is a great meeting!” Twilight called out from the pinnacle of Carousel Boutique, “and it augurs well for our cause. A cause for which many of you have gathered, so many as to burst the walls of our own town hall! So many, in fact, that we may see it boding well for our cause.”

A pony in the background blinked and looked around, “Wait...what’s going on…?”

“We meet together to take a decision which will be judged by the whole country.” Twilight said solemnly, “You will have many votes to cast in your lives hence should we succeed, but I think it is quite superfluous to say that the vote which you will cast today will be probably the most important vote which as citizens of Ponyville, and all Equestria will have the honour casting, ever. We must do this, for great justice! Don't let it be wasted. Don't let it be misapplied."

A pegasus got bored somewhere on a rooftop and asked a familiar pink unicorn on the ground beneath him, “Hey, what’s this about, seriously?”

“I’m not sure,” Lyra glumly responded as the pink ran out of her fur, leaving her looking like a mint and strawberry icecream disaster with a horn, “But she mentioned something about getting the weather and animals back in their right places.  I didn’t hear the rest.” 

Twilight overrode them, too lost in her own misguided politics to care, “Let it go to support the good and revolutionary cause and strengthen the weak hooves of the Government now doing good work. Let it be a solid vote! A vote that decides, no! We will not sit by idly and live day to day, trusting in other’s judgement!”

The pegasus from earlier scratched an ear confusedly, “But…why not?”

Twilight, though, continued towards a massive trainwreck she could not foresee, “We will begin community of property, organize currency- and capital-free trade! We will abolish racial and sexual tensions!”

“Sounds like someone sure needs ‘er sexual tensions relieved,” Dale muttered in the dust. He stood up and grabbed Rarity by the shoulders, shouting, “I know where this speech is going! You have to stop her forming the PRL! There will be bombings!” Rarity, meanwhile, kept passively watching. Inside, the shrew climbing into her mane again was starting to bug her. Rightfully, so was the weather…and the human…and the whole situation, She wished she could just…but no, she couldn’t, that would…grrrrr…  

“We will end divisions of labour, and all forms of class systems! All forms of elitism!”

Rarity’s eyes widened imperceptibly, but Dale was too busy scratching his head to notice; “Wait, when did she become Twilight Stalin?!” Then he heard a faint rumble coming from down the street. His eyes widened as well, “Oh…shit…”

“We must be equal to be united!” Twilight crowed, ‘And to start, to cast your ballot, to rid our town of its pestilences, we begin with removing the blight against our cause this building embodies! Tear it down!

Dale tore his eyes from the on-coming terror to where Rarity had been, saying, “Okay Ice-Queen we really gotta- Oh…” Only to see Rarity clawing her way up the side of her own boutique, rage in her eyes. 

“TWILIGHT DON’T YOU DARE!!!”

Containing one’s emotions is not wise. It has come out sometime. The emotions of the most dramatic mare Ponydom had ever spawned were about to be unleashed upon one unsuspecting alicorn.

Dale blinked. “Huh. Does that mean she’s back to normal…?” Then he once again caught a glimpse of another pony down the street, yellow and pink and laughing in the midst of a vast chittering tidal wave of nature pouring through the town. 

Fluttershy was certainly happy to be with her little friends again. Dale, and every confused pony in the streets, bailed from the FlutterTyphoon as fast as their limbs could carry them as the voice of their fear cut through the air:

“…yay…”


*****


Dale blinked.  Well, that was unexpected…

Shaking the image of Fluttershy being borne through the streets on the back of a bear from his mind, he turned and started striping with purpose, “Time to find Pin-Whoa!”

Dale pushed himself up from the dirt and spat out a pebble. Then he turned and looked spitefully at the pink lump that had tripped him up.

“….Oooooohhh….”

PinkieCrash. Hard.

“…Oooooouuuhh…” She moaned pitifully as she rolled over, mane trampled flat about her, “Blue sounds so soft, but the aftertaste is icky…”

“Oh, Pinkie!” Dale gasped, falling to his knees beside her. He brushed a lock of mane from her face, “Are...are ya okay, darlin’?”

She grinned hopefully, “Do you have coffee?”

“Uh, no. Not on yer life, girl. Never ever ever ever ever!”

Her eyes widened, “Four…” And then she cried.

“Uh…” Dale sat down, hovered, then settled on patting Pinkie’s shoulder, “Coffee…coffee aint that great, now is it, lass? Just gotta…get back up and trooper on, eh?” He said in a faux-cheerful voice. 

“I can’t purple without cheescake!” Pinkie cried.

Dale looked about wildly in search of a solution. He latched onto the first thing he spotted: the café they were crouching beside. With a very Irish level of thought to property damage, he punched open the window beside him and pulled out a cupcake. 

The syrupy sugariness of the confection was the light that drew the Pink moth from the earth. Pinkie was barely sniffing out the treat, her lips forming a hopeful smile, when Dale destroyed that smile by gracelessly shoving the food down her throat and holding her jaw shut. 

An injection of sugar so concentrated, the effects were near-instantaneous.

*POP*

“Hmm, double triple fudge chocolate chip layered vanilla toffee surprise! My favourite!” 

And Pinkie Pie was back. She beamed a grateful smile at the confused human crouching in the dirt and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, before bouncing out into the street. There, she stopped, gazing upwards, eyes wide. 

“Ooooooh, no…That won’t end well.”

> STAHP!! No more chapters!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dale scrambled towards Pinkie, grouching, “Are all problems in Equestria solved this easy? It takes the joy out o’ winning it does!”, but then he saw what Pinkie was staring at, and stared as well. On top of Carousel Boutique, glaring doom and madness at one another, were Twilight and Rarity, horns aglow, yet silent as each waited for the other to make the first move.

Pinkie smiled at the annoyed human, “Silly, Equestria is nice! Almost everything is easy!” Then, to prove it, she bounced forward, singing out to her friends glowering on the roof, “Oh gi-irls! Can you come down and stop scaring everypony? And Twilight, could you drop that dome, pretty please? It would be a big help to Rainbow Dash!”

Twilight paused. Then she took a breath, and shouted, “For the REVOLUTION!”

And Rarity screeched back, “For the DRESSES!”

“Great battlecry, that…” Dale snarked. 

“Oh well, I'm out of ideas," Pinkie shrugged, "but this could be a reeeaaally interesting fight!”  She grabbed a hoof-full of popcorn from her mane and snarfed it down. 

Dale tried to count in how many ways that picture was terribly wrong and ran out of numbers, but he pushed through it to ask, “What? Yer excited they’re gonna fight? What if they get hurt?! We gotta stop them!”

“Nope!” Pinkie shook her head, “Unicorn magic isn’t dangerous. Neither Twilight not Rarity know any actually harmful tricks; Even age spells change back to normal after a while!"

Rarity, just to prove Pinkie wrong, wrenched one of the pony statuettes from the roof of her own boutique and whacked it across Twilight’s head. 

Twilight reacted quickly, teleporting the carved pony out over the street. Dale dived for cover. Pinkie sidestepped, then leaned casually on the elegant and wrecked pony that had slammed into the ground barely a foot from her. 

“You see,” Pinkie explained to no one in particular, “Twilight might be the fourth most powerful spellcaster alive, but her talent, being the entirety magic, is very broad, and she is only well versed in teleportation and a few enchantments. Rarity, on the other hoof, has years of exceptionally in-depth training with levitation, and is probably the most skilled levitator outside of Canterlot Castle! So it really is a level field, err, roof.”

Dale glared at the earth pony, “Who the hell are ya talkin’ to?!”

Pinkie peeked out between the lines and smiled, “Oh, you wouldn’t want to know just yet.”

Meanwhile, Twilight responded with a vicious flash of lightning that looked like it could have curdled cheese, but Rarity responded by blocking it’s path with telekinetically torn-up roof tiles, melded into a shield before her. When the tiles fell from her grasp, each and every one of them was a hideous shade of green.

Pinkie gasped, “Ohhh, Twilight ain’t pulling any punches here! She’s going for the knock-out!”

Rarity responded by taking up the tiles once again, levelling them at her friend, and loosing a grievous amount of sharp stone at the alicorn. Twilight gasped. Then she concentrated. 

A blinding flash lit the alicorn’s body, absorbing the heavy plates. When the spell dissipated, Twilight stood tall, grinning evilly as a dozen balls of rich double-thick chocolate ice-cream circled her like minions.

Rarity blanched. She took a step back, but on the small roof, there was nowhere to go. 

There wasn’t a sound. Then Twilight’s horn glowed, the ice cream flashed from existence, and Rarity tumbled to her knees, belly horribly distended, “No! The…The calories…”

Pinkie nodded sagely, “Hmm, interesting use of teleportation. Didn’t see that one coming.”

Twilight crowed her victory, “Ha! Now you’ll have a tummy-ache!”

Rarity was beginning to cry, “I…I never even got to taste it…”

And all Dale could think was, That is some fucked up shit I jus’ saw…

Meanwhile, hundreds of meters above them, Rainbow Dash seemed to be having an animated discussion with a white blob on the other side of the force field. Only Pinkie cared to look. 

“Haha!” Twilight crowed at the sky, “The Revolution shall overcome all!”

Dale, standing in the empty street, looked around him, “Uhh, yeh, cuz votin’ stations always take it as a good sign when there’s no one there to vote.”

Twilight looked down with a slight, “Oh…”

The entire section of town, from Carousel Boutique to Sugarcube Corner, was empty. Not a pony, critter or wild weather pattern was left, save the three ponies and a confused human standing motionless as they tried to remember what happened next. 

And then, of course, the force field shattered. Forgone conclusion really. 

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”

“Meep!” Meeped The alicorn in question.

Rays of glaring white light cut through the errant clouds like a laser beam, pouring all of their anger directly down on whatever happened to be in the way as a vast glowing orb descended from the sky. It touched ground in the wrong street, about a block away. 

Despite this miscalculation, Dale was still in awe on what he saw. A vast creature, glowing with a white so pure that it made a wedding dress looked almost French, rose above the rooftops on downy wings that embraced the air they beat through. A long, majestic neck, glittering eyes like fire. The light of the sun behind it distorted and magnified the unfathomable presence gliding towards him. Dale's eyes glistened as he beheld it.

Just imagine the size o’ family that duck could feed when it's roated… He thought listlessly. Then Princess Celestia landed somewhat awkwardly on the pinnacle of Carousel Boutique.

…Can demigods read minds? Did she hear thinking about eati- Shutting up now…

The benevolent ruler of all Equestria stared down her royaler-than-thou snout and said in a voice that dripped comforting eggshells, “Twilight, what is it to have disturbed you so?”

Twilight’s bluster and pomp fell from her, stripped away by the majesty browbeating her from above. “I-I want all this to be over. I want to go back inside and read my book and not deal with stupid humans anymore! I want to know what’s going on and why, and not be kept in the dark! You and Luna keep telling me to just stay put, handle things on this end, do the slog-work, but I’m a Princess now, I want to do more! I know I can! I j-just want to…go back to comfortable. Keep Ponyville happy, keep it safe…”

“Was trapping them all within a shield, a gilded cage, the correct course of action?” Celestia cooed, “And then leading a rebellion against the rest of Equestria?” That last had an edge to it…like a fluffy knife.

Twilight gasped and backpedalled, “What?! No! Not a rebellion! Just a revolution! Just bringing voting in, not trying to kick you out!” The monarch raised an eyebrow, as did Rarity. Dale was about to scream. Twilight looked from one to another, “What? You’ve never heard of peaceful revolutions? It was in that book of Griffin socialist structures.”

Celestia blinked. “Oh…good.” 

Dale fell to his knees, “You ponies can’t even ‘ave a decent revolution?! Fer God’s sake!”

Celestia turned her attentions to the human below. He squeaked into silence.

“So this here is the cause of all this strife?” Celestia said, not unkindly. Not friendly either. “I have something for you, my little human. I believe it is yours to begin with.”

Dale didn’t move. The title had made him want to gag, but that would look bad. Celestia herself floated down to the street, Twilight and Rarity beside her, quite helpless. Pinkie Pie was pulled from the café she was raiding, Rainbow Dash descended from beating off the last of the clouds, Fluttershy came floating in from the edge of the forest, and Applejack scrabbled and swore helplessly as she was dragged yet again from her bed and out through the sky. 

They all arrived in a circle just as Celestia gave the stunned human a small lunchbox. He opened it, and nearly collapsed in joy. 

A perfectly cooked baked potato, split, with purest butter melted into its core. 

“It’s only a day old,” Celestia apologized with a grimace, “I didn’t really have much choice as to when it was cooked.”

“You preserved it for me, in your infinite wisdom, with magic so that I’d have my wish at the end of this great trial.” Dale whispered reverently as he lifted a piece of the potato to his lips. 

Celestia shrugged, “I kept it in my icebox and warmed it up on the way here.”

Dale glared first at one edge of the potato, an edge that looked distinctly nibbled “Oi! You ate mah ‘tater!”

Celestia smiled wisely down at him, impeachable, “One does not reach this royal size without an appetite to match, little one.” Then she turned to the awkwardly shuffling ponies around her, “I believe you all have learned some very special lessons these past days?”

“Err, yeah…” Rainbow chuckled nervously, trailing a hoof through the churned-up dirt in idle circles, “I learned that even if a plan looks REALLY good, you should always think through all the repercush… repeac… consequ… results of your actions will be!” She finished…finally.

“Is she fuckin’ brain damaged or what…?” Dale asked himself.

“Umm I learned…” Fluttershy began, “That even if you think you may not have a purpose, even if you seem weak, there are those who rely on you, not because they need you, but because they want you. Like you. And that you can’t abandon them anymore than someone trully dependant on you.” 

“Very good.” Celestia preened.

Dale blinked. “’ang on, where’s all this coming from then…?"

“I learned that guarding oneself can be a blessing and a curse,” Rarity added, “To protect oneself overmuch is to lose a part of yourself, and your ability to truly enjoy what you are given. Being understood and loved for who you really are is better than being a mere shadow of onself.”

"Wait, really?" Dale raised an eyebrow, "This is what we're doin' now?"

“An’ Ah learned,” Applejack jumped in, just to get it out of the way, “That even though someone really seems the jarhead, they deserve a second chance…and a third…and mebbe a fourth…”

“Hey!” Dale chirped.

“…but eventually the light in ‘em will shine through, if ya just hold faith. Ta give up on ‘em is ta do ‘em a disservice, Ah reckon.”

“And I learned that you can’t blue without red and green, and that you can’t make sushi with Styrofoam!” Pinkie Pie asserted. 

Celestia nodded understandingly the whole while, though even her eyes glazed over at Pinkie’s part. Then she turned to Twilight.

The younger alicorn was not done, though; “Why did you say I wasn’t needed for the return spells? I could have done them from here!” She demanded.

“I only wished to keep the strain from you while you continued your studies in your library,” Celestia answered. Then she added, “Also, most of the humans did not go quietly. Luna and I were less likely to suffer a mental break and send the poor soul to Tartarus in anger.”

“Oh, well…that makes sense…” Twilight leapt on the next subject, “But what about the government? Why has nopony broached the ideas of socialism, or at least constitutional monarch-Diarchy?”

“Nopony was brought it up before,” Celestia shrugged, “Ponies are herd creatures after all; they tend to be happy to follow.”

Twilight looked down, trampled. 

Celestia looked over the defeated mare's shoulder and smiled at Dale. She winked, mouthing I’m too good at this.

Dale nearly dropped his potato.

Twilight sighed, then said, “Today I learned that you should always exhaust all other avenues before trying to lead a hostile takeo- peaceful revolution against my teacher.”

Teacher? Dale thought, No wonder she’s a psycho, with that sociopath as her example!

“Now, my little ponies, are all your problems solved?” Celestia questioned.

“Yup! Weather’s back to normal!” Rainbow saluted.

“The critters are back in the forest.” Fluttershy whispered.

“Carousel Boutique didn’t turn into a socialist example!” Rarity purred.

“The voices went back to the endless Void!” Pinkie beamed.

“No!” It was Applejack. She hobbled on her injured hoof, grimacing, “There’s only two days left o’ Applebuck season! We don’t get them apples down ‘afor tomorrer, them’ll start going bad!”

Twilight’s horn flashed. On the horizon, thousands of apples cruised through the air and stacked neatly in the family barn. The alicorn didn’t even break a sweat as she grinned, “There! Fixed?”

Applejack failed to respond coherently, but ‘if Ah had mah rope…’ was definitely in there. 

“And now,” Celestia intoned, standing, “It is time for our guest to go home.”

“Wait!" Dale shouted. He stood before Twilight, trying to say something clearly important. It did not come easily to him, “Twi. I know we didn’t get on at all, but…I figgered it out. All them humans wot came through? They came her cuz they needed a friend, and apparently you an' your'n are experts on making friends even though you nearly kill each other regularly.. They needed help. I…I needed help. Fer better or worse, yer town scared it inta me. I’d…I’d like ta go home, and know that at least I can count on you as friends. Fer a few days of my life, I could say I knew real, genuine...characters, and tha’ they can be in me ‘eart when I try ta take yer words to people I’ve let down, yeh?”

All of them, all six, dashed forward into a vast uncomfortable group hug. Pinkie pie stood on Dale’s head and squee’d, “Human’s are taaaaall!”

Celestia gently extracted Twilight from the wreathing mass and summoned a scroll that she delivered to Twilight, nodding encouragingly. Twilight gasped as she read it, her horn already glowing with the magical knowledge she was taking in, "You're letting me...?"

"Of course, Twilight, I do trust you after all." Butter wouldn't have melted in Celestia's mouth, but Twilight grinned happily and summoned the bright blue portal all the same.

Dale escaped the ponyball and strode towards the portal, at peace. He could see his grungy bedroom through the cerulean haze, and decided it needed a clean. 

Celestia began speaking again, “Twilight, I believe Dale is right: The Elements of Harmony sought to heal the loneliness in the hearts of other worlds. A connection we cannot ignore.” Celestia hummed in thought.

Dale saw it coming, and chuckled as he stepped through the portal. He turned in the clothes-strewn dimness of his own world, looked out at the magical land of Equestria one last time, to hear Celestia’s offer.

“Twilight, would you and your friends consider becoming ambassadors for ponykind, in this word, and others?”

Twilight took one look at the portal, and turned tail.

“Fuck no.”

Dale chuckled as the portal crumbled to nothing, leaving him with his memories and his baked potato, still clutched in its box. 

“Well, tha’ wuz a new one,” He laughed to himself, “Now what about this ‘Friendship is Magic’ shit anyway…?” He chucked the potato onto his desk, disrupting a breeding pile of Mountain Dew cans, and made for the door. With a happy, contented sigh, he opened the door and stepped into his-

Wooden walls

Window looking over an apple orchard.

Red bedspread.

A big wooden yolk in the corner. 

And blond-maned maroon snout swinging in his direction. Grinning.

"So, ya came back! Ah knew ya'd change yer mind..."

...

Dale took one look at the stallion on the bed, and screamed.