"Hey Fluttershy, how are you feeling today?"
Rainbow Dash poked her head into Fluttershy's room in Ponyville General Hospital.
Fluttershy yawned widely. "Thank you so much for visiting me, Rainbow, but I'm always so sleepy."
Fluttershy was lying almost motionless on her hospital bed. Tubes from a variety of magical machines were feeding nutrients into her body, but they could not stop the cancer that had withered Fluttershy into little more than fur and bones. Rainbow couldn't bear to see her friend suffer like this, but she was determined to be strong for her. She always pretended to be upbeat and cheerful whenever she visited Fluttershy even though she often had to fight back tears.
"Ok, Fluttershy. You get some good rest. Pinkie just wanted me to deliver these balloons," Rainbow Dash said, tying Pinkie's gift to Fluttershy's bedpost. She flicked the lights off and made for the door.
"Rainbow," Fluttershy called weekly, "Could you do one more thing for me please-I mean, if it's not too much trouble."
"Yeah, anything. Anything you want," Rainbow Dash replied, stepping back into Fluttershy's room.
"Could you . . . could you please turn the machines off, if . . . if thats ok?"
Rainbow Dash could no longer hold back the tears. "Y-yeah, its ok, Fluttershy," she sniffed. She walked over to the wall socket where the machines were plugged in, and yanked the cords out. Fluttershy closed her eyes, and her lips spread into a content smile.
"Goodnight, Rainbow," she said. What little remained of Rainbow Dash's facade collapsed. She broke down and began sobbing into Fluttershy's mane.
"Good-g-goodnight," Rainbow finally managed.
Rainbow Dash held Fluttershy until her breathing stopped.
Fluttershy suddenly found herself standing on a fluffy patch of cloud, now with the strong, youthful body she had once had.
"Oh, dear," she muttered. "I didn't want Rainbow to cry. I knew I shouldn't have asked her to kill me. Oh well. I'll just apologize to her once she dies. She's always crashing into things, so I shouldn't have to wait too long."
Fluttershy saw a giant wall of white marble off in the distance. With nothing else to do, she made her way toward it at a comfortable pace. She found a human shaped angel wearing a golden mask lounging on a lawn chair outside of the gate. He was idly skimming through the pages of a large, musty looking tome.
"Name?" he asked, not looking up as she approached.
"I'm Fluttershy. Nice to meet you!" she replied, putting on her cutest smile and holding out her leg.
The angel ignored her attempted hoofshake and began flipping through his book.
"Fluttershy . . . Fluttershy . . ." he murmured to himself. "I can't find you on the list. Did you make a deathbed conversion?"
"Um, I don't think so," Fluttershy said, shuffling her hooves nervously.
Suddenly, a great booming voice spoke, making Fluttershy jump.
"FLUTTERSHY OF EQUESTRIA, YOU HAVE FAILED TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR! FOR YOUR SINS, YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO THE TORMENTS OF HELL!"
A black hole opened up in the clouds beneath Fluttershy's hooves. She beat her wings franticly, but the hole was sucking her in like a vacuum.
"Help me, Mr. Angel!" she cried to the gatekeeper as she desperately dug her hooves into the soft clouds.
The angel glanced at her briefly before pushing her over the edge with his foot.
Fluttershy was half-fused with a wall of charred rock. Her back, and all but one of her legs were trapped. The heat of the cavern was unbearable, worse than even the hottest summer's day in Ponyville.
"WELCOME TO HELL, LITTLE PONY!" roared a new voice.
Flutershy raised her head and saw a red skinned demon with glowing yellow eyes. It clutched a rusty pitchfork in its clawed hands and grinned malevolently at her.
"W-who are you?" Fluttershy squeaked in terror.
"I'M YOUR DEMON, AND I'M GOING TO ENJOY YOUR SUFFERING!"
The demon jabbed it's pitchfork into Fluttershy's abdomen, laughing raucously as she screamed.
Fluttershy's existence continued in this way for years. The demon would stab her mercilessly, her flesh re-mending itself so that she could be injured again. She screamed and flailed, sobbed and begged for mercy. As time passed, Fluttershy slowly drifted into a lethargic stupor, no longer struggling, and only crying and moaning softly. The pain was so ubiquitous that, little by little, she seemed to become desensitized to it, until finally, It became like the taste of her own tongue in her mouth: so normal that she could not even recognize it, or imagine it being absent.
After several decades she even began to take comfort in the demon's reliability. It was always there, just like Celestia's sun and Luna's moon had been back when she was alive. Eventually, she even began to take an interest in her surroundings. She was glancing around to see what she could see of the landscape of Hell, when she heard a commotion.
She leaned her head around her demon and saw Twilight Sparkle being dragged past her particular section of wall by a pair of demons. It was so good to see her friend again, even in such a grim situation.
Twilight was shouting, her eyes wide with terror. "Where are you taking me? Let me go! Help! Oh, Celestia, somepony help me!"
"Hello, Twilight!" Fluttershy waved her free hoof.
"Futtershy? What's happening? Where are we? Oh, sweet Luna, what have they done to you?"
"Oh!" She glanced back at the demon who was continuing to mutilate her torso. "It's really not so bad once you get used to it! "
"NOT SO BAD, EH?"
It had been so long since the demon had spoken to Fluttershy that it's voice startled her.
"Oh! Hello Mr. Demon! I don't think I've ever introduced myself. I'm Fluttershy."
"YOU MAY HAVE BECOME USED TO YOUR PUNISHMENT, BUT I HAVE SOMETHING MUCH WORSE FOR YOU!"
The demon cast its pitchfork aside and began revving a chainsaw.
"I used to be a veterinarian. Do you like animals?" Fluttershy continued, raising her voice to be heard over the sound of the motor.
"YOUR WORTHLESS ANIMAL FRIENDS WERE TOO FRAGILE TO LAST! THEY HAVE ALL EXPIRED!" roared the demon.
"Oh, you checked on them for me? That's so sweet of you!"
"FOOLISH MORTAL! YOUR PREVIOUS TORMENTS WERE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE SUFFERING I WILL INFLICT UPON YOU!"
"I'm just happy that you're so concerned with my feelings."
"NO ONE IS CONCERNED WITH YOUR FEELINGS! YOU ARE ALONE! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FRIENDSHIP AGAIN, ONLY PAIN!"
"I don't think that's true at all. You are always here for me, so in a way, you're kind of like a friend. You've been here for so long that I don't really know what I'd do if you left. Sometimes I think that my tummy would feel so empty if you never stabbed it."
"SILENCE, PONY! YOU WILL NOT BE SAYING THAT ONCE I START CUTTING!"
"Also, I want you to know that I forgive you for hurting me. I know this must not be a good life for you either."
The demon lowered its weapon.
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF, HORSE!"
"Well," Fluttershy continued, "I'm doomed to be tortured by you for all of eternity, but you're also doomed to torture me."
"I LOVE TO CAUSE MISERY AND SUFFERING!"
"But you'll never be able to see the world, or make friends, or go on adventures! You'll never be able to enrich your life with new experiences. You'll never fall in love. You'll just be here, stabbing me forever. Doesn't that bother you?"
The demon blinked.
"I . . . I . . . YOU . . ."
He shook his head furiously.
"YOU ARE TRYING TO TRICK ME! IT WILL NOT WORK!"
As the demon thrust the chainsaw's blade into Fluttershy's abdomen, she leaned in close and nuzzled his cheek.
The demon threw the chainsaw down in frustration and stomped away in a huff, swearing profusely.
"What a poor little guy. I hope I didn't upset him," Fluttershy commented to no one in particular.
"They do sort of grow on you after a few decades, don't they?" said a voice to her left.
Fluttershy hadn't paid much mind to her surroundings throughout the years of her imprisonment. The torments of her damnation had distracted her too much to notice that there was another soul imprisoned beside her. It was a middle aged male human. He wore an officer's uniform with an armband that was as red as the blood that gushed from his own demon-inflicted wounds.
"I didn't see you there. My name is Fluttershy! What's yours?" she asked, extending her free hoof.
"Adolf Hitler," the man replied, giving her hoof a friendly shake.
The two became close friends, and spent many more decades talking about their lives. Fluttershy told Hitler all about the adventures she and her friends had undertaken in Equestria, and Hitler described his conquest of Europe to her. Occasionally, Fluttershy's demon would return to pour acid on her or light her on fire, but only in a half-hearted sort of way, and she had become so used to pain that she didn't mind.
"It was hard enough just dealing with the Brits and the Russians," explained Hitler as his own demon pulled out his intestines. "but then the Americans attacked, and it all went down the toilet."
"That must have been very frustrating," Fluttershy replied knowledgeably.
"In the end, I couldn't take it anymore. The Russians were storming Berlin, and everything I had built was falling to pieces in front of me, so I decided to end my life on my own terms."
The evil dictator hung his head.
"I wanted to build an empire to last throughout the ages. I suppose I just wasn't good enough."
"Oh, well If you don't mind me saying, I'm really glad you went to Hell. If you hadn't, I would never have met you. I like you a lot more than my demon."
"Well, I . . . I suppose that's true."
There was an awkward silence. Fluttershy's demon stabbed her in the eye with a screwdriver. Hitler fiddled with aimlessly with his watch.
"What day is it, Mr. Hitler?" asked Fluttershy out of idle curiosity. She knew that his watch could tell the day and month, as well as the time.
"Hmm? Oh, It's February 14th."
"Um, Mr. Hitler? Will you . . . will you be my special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day?" Fluttershy was blushing all over like a nervous schoolfilly.
Hitler smiled. "I'd like that. And please call me Adolf."
He reached out and held Fluttershy's hoof.
"Howdy, Fluttershy! Who's your friend?"
Fluttershy couldn't believe her ears. She looked over her demon's shoulder with her good eye and saw Applejack happily trotting up to meet them.
"Applejack! I never though I'd see you again!" squealed the pegasus. The farm pony was grinning from ear to ear, looking just as hearty as she had been in Equestria.
"This is Adolf Hitler," said Fluttershy, gesturing to the iron-fisted tyrant as Applejack shooed the demons away.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Applejack. Fluttershy told me all about you. But why are you not stuck in a wall like us? Where is your demon?" the Fuhrer asked.
"Well, best Ah can figure it, everypony gets their own kind of punishment."
Applejack pulled the screwdriver out of Fluttershy's face with her teeth. A new eye popped in to replace the damaged one.
"After that boomin' voice sent me down here for bein' a dirty dyke, and all, Ah was tasked with pushin' some big boulder up a hill for all eternity. It got steeper and steeper as you got up, and demons were pokin' mah rump with pitchforks every step of the way. Every time Ah got close to the top, it got too steep and the boulder rolled all the way back down again. But Granny raised me to be tough, so Ah kept tryin' and tryin'. After a few hundred years, the friction had worn the boulder down to a more manageable size an' Ah got it to the top. The demons didn't know what to do after that, so they let me go. Ah've been wanderin' around lookin' for the rest of the gang ever sense."
"I wish Adolf and I could join you Applejack. It would be so good to see all my old friends again, but we're stuck in this wall," lamented Fluttershy, hanging her head.
"Great gallopin' giraffes, sugar cube! You didn't think Ah was just gonna leave you and your friend in a lurch, did you? Ah'll have you two outa that wall in a jiffy!"
Applejack began bucking the wall with all her might. It took about a week of non-stop bucking to break the solid stone apart, but Applejack managed it.
After she had pulled them both out, Hitler swept Fluttershy up in his arms.
"I cannot thank you enough for freeing us, Miss Applejack. Fluttershy and I are forever in your debt."
Applejack blushed. "Aww, shucks, Hitler. It was nuthin'. Let's go find the others."
The trio spent many years exploring the bowels of hell.
They first scoured a ruined city full of zombies. Luckily, Hitler never seemed to run out of magazines for his handguns, and he was able to dispatch the hordes with ease. They finally found Pinkie Pie stuffed inside an oven in a dilapidated diner.
"Oh my gosh you guys! It was so BORING in there! The demons force fed me dough and then shoved me in the oven. Once the yeast rose, my tummy exploded!"
Pinkie showed them all the hole in her belly.
"It really hurt and I cried a lot, but then I thought 'HEY! Now I have a special pocket, even when I'm naked!' But then I was sad again when I realized that I had nothing to put in it, so I just roasted in my own stomach juices for a few centuries."
Once they had searched the last building and put the last zombie to rest, they took their leave of the city. A few damned souls who had been condemned to be torn apart by the undead shouted their thanks as the party moved on.
Rainbow Dash had been cast into ocean of fire. Her wings were bound with chains, so she could only swim franticly with her hooves. Every time she came close to the shore, a strong current would carry her back to the center.
Pinkie Pie, who was better suited to endure extreme heat from her time in the oven, volunteered to swim out to Rainbow with a sturdy chain that they had found. Once she had grabbed hold of Rainbow, the rest of the group reeled her in.
"I'm so sorry I made you cry hundreds of years ago, Rainbow," apologized Fluttershy as soon as Rainbow Dash had been pulled to shore.
"Forget it, Fluttershy. I'm just glad that you're not gone forever. And that I'm out of that lava. That place was not cool, both literally and . . . um . . . not-literally."
"Figuratively?" offered Hitler.
"Gesundheit."
Some time after that, the group barged into a demented carnival, filled with twisted, evil clowns. The clowns leered at them, but let them pass.
Rarity was nailed to a table in a hall of mirrors. Her skin had been flayed off and her eyelids torn out, so that she had no choice but to gaze upon her mutilated visage reflected in the mirrors until the end of time. A pair of clowns were standing around her, pointing at her and laughing at their own dirty jokes.
"Goodness gracious, it's about time somepony with a little dignity showed up. These hooligans have been dreadful!" Rarity squaked.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash knocked out the clowns, and shoved Rarity up Pinkie's tummy hole to smuggle her out of the circus.
"Let us never speak of this again," Rarity demanded once they had safely escaped.
"This place is amazing!" said Twilight Sparkle ecstatically as Rarity levitated her out of a pit of venomous snakes. "You were right, Fluttershy! I became desensitized to the pain in a matter of years, and I think I found a way to reinforce our necrotic disentropy."
"Terra cotta what now?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Necrotic disentropy. It's what I call our Hell-bodies' ability to self repair."
"Hmph, some ponies have all the luck," grumbled Rarity.
Unlike Fluttershy, Rarity's body was not regenerating. She remained skinless, and had made sure everypony was aware of how upset it made her.
"Yours and Pinkie's punishments didn't require repeated cutting or puncturing. That's probably why your bodies' necrotic disentropy isn't as powerful as Fluttershy's. But don't worry!" Twilight added. Her horn glowed, and Rarity was encased in a purple aura. To Rarity's delight, her skin began to grow back before her eyes.
"Oh, Twilight, dear! You are a miracle worker!"
Twilight grinned, and turned to Pinkie.
"Hey! No chronic disesentropating the tummy hole! It's useful!" Pinkie snapped.
Applejack led the group through the wastelands of Hell. Across the expanse, they could see a massive, black fortress. Its walls were covered in razor blades, and it was encircled by a moat of boiling blood. The group climbed to the top of a steep hill near the castle and hid behind Applejack's boulder.
"Ok, Twi, there's Satan's fortress. What's the plan now, sugar cube?"
"Alright, everypony," said Twilight. "From what I've gathered from the locals, Satan was once an angel, but his heart was corrupted by jealousy when he learned that God loved humans more than him. Sound familiar?"
"I get it!" said Rainbow Dash. "We bust in, and blast the Devil with the Elements of Harmony!"
"Exactly," Twilight continued. "Without Satan's power, the demons will be scattered, and we can take control of hell. We'll free all the damned souls and turn hell into a paradise!"
"But look at that thing, Twi!" said Applejack, eying a pair of armored demons patrolling the parapets. "We'd need an army to storm that place!"
"An army, you say?" asked Hitler. "I think I can help you there."
Konrad Deeter covered his ears as another volley of mortar shells ripped through the German line.
Soon, Stalin's army would kill them all and capture Berlin, just like all the other times. Satan had told the Germans that they would be released from Hell if they could win the battle, but try as they might, century after century, they never did. Whenever Konrad was felled, by bullet, shell, or flames, he would not die, but would lie in agony for hours as the Russians stepped over his broken body until the battle finally reset, and then it would all happen again. But it was the chance of escape, always dangling tantalizingly out of reach that tormented him far more.
The Germans fell back further into the city. The captain rallied them for one last stand, and Konrad gritted his teeth, preparing himself for more agony, but something up in the air caught his eye. His jaw dropped. The Fuhrer himself was riding into battle on a flying, yellow pony. Ahead of him, the rest of the ponies had already engaged the Russians.
Bullets ricocheted off of Twilight Sparkle's force field as she tore the soldiers apart with blasts of explosive sorcery.
Pinkie Pie put on a pair of sunglasses and went into bullet time. Soviet gunfire streaked past her as she dived forward in slow motion with a can of silly string in each hoof, squirting the Russians in their faces, until an armored car careened around the corner and lit her up with its machine gun.
"Heehee! That tickles!" giggled Pinkie as 50. caliber bullets tore through her body, spraying blood and shattered bone fragments all over the street. In a matter of seconds, her body had been reduced to an unrecognizable pile of leaky meat.
Applejack bucked a soldier's head clean off his shoulders. A second later, her legs were blown off by a rocket. The Soviets had a brief moment of triumph for disabling one of the Nazi's bizarre super weapons before they realized that the legs were still possessed with life. Each leg bounced around, continuing to beat and bludgeon the soldiers to death of its own accord.
Twilight had reduced all of her opponents to smoking chunks. She now faced down a gigantic tank. The huge war machine fired an armor piercing shell that shattered Twilight's protective barrier and blew the unicorn into a million pieces.
"I need some help with this one, Dash!" yelled Twilight's severed head as it sailed past Rainbow Dash's ear.
"You got it, Twilight!" Rainbow replied as she finished decapitating the occupants of the armored car. She crouched down, preparing for liftoff. Two soldiers tried to grab her wings, but suddenly Pinkie Pie's intestines slithered out of her mangled body.
"Surprise!" gurgled Pinkie as she strangled the two men with her own guts.
"Nice one, Pinkie Pie!" shouted Dash as she accelerated upwards.
The pegasus was suspended in the air for a brief moment as she reached her peak before she dived. The city of Berlin was bathed in seven colored light as Rainbow Dash sonic rainboomed strait down at the tank. She slammed into it, creating a deafening rainbow explosion that shook the earth, ripping the vehicle apart and sending burning shards of metal arcing into the sky.
Konrad Deeter dropped his gun. "Sweet mother of God. We've won." He breathed.
Converting the Nazis from a platform of radical nationalism and racial supremacy to one of love and tolerance was easier than Hitler had expected.
The damned souls of the Third Reich now milled about on piles of mutilated communists, admiring their new armbands and enjoying a little time to relax.
As soon as Rarity had finished putting her friends back together, she set about making new arm bands for all the soldiers, with hearts on them instead of swastikas.
Hitler rallied his troops for the final assault.
"Today, we fight not just for the Fatherland, but for the love and friendship of every living being! We will storm Satan's palace, topple him from his throne, and shake the very foundations of Hell itself!"
"Heil friendship!" the Wehrmacht shouted as Hitler leapt on Fluttershy's back and led his army to their last battle.
The great iron doors of the Devil's fortress shuddered.
"Fire again!" Hitler shouted. The ponies had managed to find an intact panzer for their assault on the Prince of Darkness.
"Aye, aye, sir!" Pinkie replied as she reloaded the cannon.
The doors buckled, metal twisting as another shell struck them.
"Charge!"
Satan's minions barely had time to begin barricading the gate before the tank came crashing through, knocking the massive doors off of their hinges. The demons in Satan's courtyard that hadn't been crushed by the doors or the panzer's treads quickly dropped under a hail of German gunfire.
"Go!" shouted Twilight Sparkle.
The Elements of Harmony leapt out of the tank's hatch and galloped into the castle, while Hitler and his solders covered the rear. They sprinted through the twisted corridors of the Devil's fortress before finally reaching the throne room.
Satan was a giant sitting upon a throne of skulls. His skin was blacker than coal and covered with glowing yellow writing that cursed God's name in every language. His eyes blazed with unbridled fury.
"YOU DARE COME TO CHALLEGE ME? I WILL GIVE YOU A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!"
The Prince of Darkness rose to his cloven feet, towering above the ponies.
"In formation, girls!" Twilight shouted as Satan conjured balls of demonic fire in his hands.
The ponies rose into the air, their eyes glowing as their bodies were filled with the power of harmony.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Satan roared as a twisting rainbow beam of pure friendship washed over his body.
Where the hideous demon had stood, the was now a handsome angel, his face stricken with grief. "What have I done?" Lucifer wailed, falling to his knees. "How could I have been so blind?"
Suddenly, a blinding light shone down through the ceiling.
"LUCIFER!" a voice thundered. "IT HAS BEEN EONS SINCE I HAVE SEEN YOU LIKE THIS! IT IS TIME TO PUT AWAY YOUR PRIDE! YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE SEPARATE FROM MY KINGDOM! WILL YOU ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS?"
"I'm so sorry!" cried the angel. "I missed you so much, my lord!"
He was raised up into the light until he vanished.
Hitler and Fluttershy married, and took up the title of King and Queen of Hell. Pinkie Pie threw the most extravagant wedding party that hell had ever seen.
"Does this mean you won't be comin' back to Equestria with us, sugar cube?" asked Applejack.
Fluttershy nodded.
"It's going to take a lot of work to fix everything that's wrong with this place. There are still a lot of bad things that remain, even without Satan's influence. I think my kindness will be needed here for a long time."
"We don't plan on being a monarchy forever, only until we have established a stable order," explained Hitler. "We have already sent out scouts to search for the American Founding Fathers so they can help us draft up a constitution. Once Hell is under control, we will establish a parliament, and transfer the majority of our power over to it. Then, we can begin terraforming Hell into a paradise."
Once the wedding ended, Hitler and the ponies all group hugged.
"Please come and visit us soon!" begged Fluttershy.
"We will, we promise." replied Twilight.
Then, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie took their leave.
Equestria shook as the gates of Hell were thrown open. The five ponies stood under an open sky for the first time in centuries.
"Can you believe it, girls? After all this time, we're finally home!" said Twilight.
"Wait a minute . . . " said Rainbow, looking around at the landscape. "Are we sure we're not still in Hell?"
The world around them was an arid wasteland. A few petrified trees and crumbling, ruined stone walls were the only remaining evidence that the planet had ever supported life. Rainbow flew up high and looked around.
"The sun and the moon aren't moving at all!" she shouted down to the others. "One half of the planet is frozen, and the other is being incinerated! We're right in the middle!"
"The apocalypse must have come while we were busy burning in Hell," said Twilight.
"Oh dear! We've outlived everypony we've ever known! I never got to see Sweetie Belle's cutie mark!" gasped Rarity.
"So, uh, I guess we should just go back to Hell, then," Pinkie suggested.
"No!" Twilight said firmly. "Without life supporting planets like Equestria, there can never be new souls! There can never be new friends! We have to stop the apocalypse from happening!"
"But Twi, it already happened, we can't stop it now," countered Applejack.
"Yes we can!" said Twilight, "Girls, we are going to invent time travel!"
And after a few thousand years, they did. If their damnation had taught them anything, it was the value of patience.
Damn Ponies
Chapter 2: Rise of The Murderer
By Pascal
Author's Note:
This chapter is dedicated as a Big Birthday Bonus for my good buddy Charlie. Happy birthday, fucker!
This chapter contains segments based on My Little Dashie by Robcakeran53.
The Murderer held a baby girl in his right hand, and an apple in his left. The apple shriveled into dust in his grasp. He feared that his daughter would soon do the same.
"Please," he begged, reaching toward the tree with his bloody hand once again. "I swear I will not taste a bite. Just allow me feed her."
The tree died in an instant, withering and turning brown.
"To hell with thee!" The Murderer snarled. With a thought, the blood on his hand became fire. He torched the tree and then the orchard until there was nothing but ash and dust.
He had planted the orchard himself long ago when the world had loved him, but now his talents were useless, and the very ground beneath his feet died to spite him.
He held the girl in his arms, and let her lick the blood from his hands. The blood was the mark of his sin, and it would never dry or be cleaned. He carried her away from that ruined land, stroking her curly hair and leaving a smear of red across the white lock that marked her with his curse.
The Murderer wandered for an age through places where time had no meaning and space had no reason. He stumbled through the Country of the Blind, nearly losing himself in the everlasting dark. He waded across the River of Tears, ignoring the pleas of the mourners who sought to drag him down to share in their grief forever. He crept through the Red Room without succumbing to the pain of starvation, for even a single bite of the fleshy walls would have made him empty for eternity; one more starving soul stalking those bloody halls in search of prey.
"Just a little longer, Adan" he would whisper to his child as he trudged onward through his weariness, crossing plains of burning coal and mountains of rusty knives. "Maybe we will be able to rest in the next place. Just a few more steps…"
After an unmeasurable time, he came to a land of light which knew no grief, and where none were without food in plenty. There, the grass did not scorn his alien feet, and the fruit consented to be picked. He rested in that mild country, and Adan was fed with sweet nectar.
When night fell, The Murderer saw the Black Angel guide her flock of stars through the heavens, and was smitten with her beauty.
For seven days he labored, raising flowers from the ground as he had done in his homeland so long ago, and for six nights he watched for the Black Angel on her voyage across the sky.
On the seventh night, the garden was large enough to attract her attention, and she drifted down on a ray of starlight.
"Does my garden please thee, Black Angel?" The Murderer asked. "I made it for thee. I have wandered from the towers of Heaven to the dungeons of Hell, and I have never seen a sight to match thy beauty. Come, walk with me in my garden."
"Nay, wicked Murderer. Thy crude pickup line does not fool Us," She replied. "We can see clearly the blood on thy hands. This land is a land of peace, and its inhabitants are gentle and kind. We have no want of thy madness here."
"Wait! I am not a monster! I am a lover of beauty, and I only wish to find a place where my daughter and I can be at peace."
The Murderer gathered up a clump of dust, and in an instant it became a dazzling bouquet of roses.
"Wilt thou not love me?" he begged, offering it to her.
The Black Angel slapped his hands away.
"Thou wouldst bring naught but darkness, tears, and blood! Begone, wicked Murderer, and do not return!"
The Murderer's heart was broken, for if she would not abide him, then there was truly no place for him to call home. In his despair, he began to love wickedness instead of beauty, and spread misery wherever he went, breaking minds and poisoning hearts for his amusement, and his garden became a twisted maze of horrors.
Then came the White Angel, and The Murderer was sealed away to be forgotten.
I used to think the that best thing about any fantasy is that you only have to think about the good parts. You can be Luke Skywalker without having to mourn for the loss of your aunt and uncle. You can be Frodo without having to be cold and hungry every night.
You can be friends with a magic pony without having to think about all the complications.
It had been hard being alone. I had only a few friends, and was afraid to become too close or confiding in them for fear that they would think I was a pathetic loser for spending all my time fantasizing about being inside a children's cartoon and saving up several hundred dollars for a pony plushy so I could pretend it was a real talking horse and cuddle it to ease my loneliness and self-loathing. At one point, I had even physically touched pictures of ponies on my monitor, hoping that it would teleport me to Equestria like one of those magical books from Myst.
Those had been some bad times, sure, but eventually all my years of making no effort to improve my life paid off.
I had been overjoyed when I found the little filly in the box. The real thing is always better than fantasy.
I leave for work every morning, not knowing if she'll be there when I come back. Not knowing if she'll get hurt without anyone to help her. I come home dead tired, but unable to sleep because that's when play time starts. You're not allowed to be tired when you're a dad. And yet, despite how simple and easy life had been before, I would never go back. I'm tired, but there's no more insomnia. I have a reason to get up in the morning beyond the soullessly repeating a routine. My life has purpose.
So I leave in the morning, worrying about her while I work. I come home tired, but seeing her smile makes it all worth it.
At this particular moment, it was story time.
"… and so, everything King Midas touched turned into solid gold. The king was overjoyed, and soon he became the wealthiest man in all of Greece. However, he soon realized his mistake. When his servants brought out his dinner that evening, he found that he could not eat it! Each bite became metal as soon as it touched his tongue. Worse still, when his beloved daughter gave him a hug to comfort him in his distress, she turned to gold as well! Dionysus took pity on the poor king, and reversed his blessing, turning everything back to the way it was. Midas was not nearly as rich, but he became much wiser."
I closed the book with a snap.
"And that, Dashie, is why you should always think before you speak."
Dashie giggled, rolling back and forth on the bed, still full of energy despite the late hour.
"Now, you have a good night's rest," I said, kissing her on the forehead.
"Oh come on! It's not even that late yet!" Dashie protested. "That story was too short! Tell me another one."
"Dashie, it's almost nine."
"How 'bout just a short one? Pleeeeeaaaaase?"
I sighed heavily as she gave me the dreaded puppy-dog eyes.
"I suppose there is another story I could tell you," I said. "But it's pretty dark. Only big girls are allowed to hear this one."
"I am a big girl!" she said indignantly.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I use the big potty."
"Well, alright then," I chuckled. "Do you remember last week when I told you the story of the Fall of Man?"
She nodded her head vigorously.
"Well, this is what happened after that," I said, opening up my large illustrated bible and flipping through Genesis. "This is called the story of Cain and Abel."
Dashie squirmed closer to see the pictures. The first scene showed two men in tunics and sandals standing together in a field. To the left there were orchards of trees bearing fruit of all kinds, while to the right there were a multitude of animals.
"Once upon a time in the rugged land of Earth, there were two mighty brothers who ruled together and created harmony for all mankind," I began. "Cain, the elder brother, tended to the plants of the earth, and created lush gardens all across the land, while Abel, the younger brother, watched over all beasts of the field, and spread life throughout the world. Thus, the two brothers maintained balance and peace on Earth."
I turned the page, revealing the next scene. Cain wore a fine coat with gold trim, and stood in the midst of tables laden with fine food, while Abel, still covered in mud from the day's labor, held a single lamb in his arms.
"One day, they chose to make an offering to God. Abel brought a humble offering from his flock, but Cain was prideful. 'I am the elder brother, so I should be honored above Abel,' He thought. He arranged an extravagant feast, bringing fine wine and sweet fruit to impress God and prove that he was the better brother, but God refused his vain offering, giving his favor to meek Abel."
The next page showed Cain raising a gnarled club above his head, his eyes wide with anger, while Abel knelt on the ground, begging for mercy.
"Cain was furious, and murdered Abel in a fit of rage."
The page after that showed Cain surrounded by angry townsfolk, holding a small child in his arms. The beautiful orchards had become withered and dry, and the animals were thin and sickly.
"When God saw what Cain had done, he cast a terrible curse over him. Cain's gardens died, and all his friends turned their backs on him. The only living thing that would not rebuke him was his baby daughter, Adan, and so she was cursed with him."
The last page showed Cain departing from the dying land.
"In the end, Cain was sent away to wander in loneliness far from human lands, taking only Adan with him," I finished.
"But why did Cain kill his brother over some stupid offering?" asked Dashie.
"Because sometimes good people forget who they are when they see something that they want badly enough," I answered. "It's easy to forget that having good friends is more important that having things or holding on to petty grudges. Be careful not to let that happen to you."
"Don't worry, Daddy. I don't have a brother to kill."
There was no bitterness in her tone. It was a completely innocent remark. I held my head in my hands and wondered, not for the first time, what the hell I was going to do with her. What kind of a life could I provide her here, locked away, unable to touch the world just beyond the walls? There were no goals to achieve in the house, no friends to make, no ambitions to realize. Would she die, withered away after years of confinement, with nothing to look back on but a meaningless existence that had accomplished nothing?
Dads are always supposed to know what to do, but I just felt like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders.
A crash from downstairs interrupted my melancholy.
My parents had belonged to a white-nationalist terror cell, and had trained me in the art of combat at a young age.
"The Jews are gonna come for you someday, boy, and when they do, you'd better be ready," my father had said during one of our many marksmanship lessons before he and my mother had died in a fiery shootout with FBI agents. "You have to be able to rely on yourself. Anyone could be a Jew in disguise. The only thing in this world you can trust is your gun."
That's why when I heard the noise from downstairs, I wasted no time.
The racist ideology had never stuck with me, especially after Bridle Gossip, but I still retained the habit of keeping a gun in the house. I lived in a bad neighborhood, after all.
I reached under my bed and pulled out an AK-47 and two magazines full of armor-piercing tungsten carbide rounds. It had been my father's gun, purchased from a one-eyed Palestinian arms dealer back in the 80's.
"I need you to listen to me, Dashie," I said, loading a magazine of the so-called "cop killers" and unlocking the rifle's safety. "I have to go do something very noisy downstairs. Whatever happens, promise me that you'll stay quiet and hide under the bed, okay?"
"Kay," she replied, staring back at me with a blank look of complete non-comprehension. I wrapped her in my coat before kissing her on the forehead and sliding her under the bed.
I slipped out the open door, and started to creep downstairs. I kept a steady grip on my AK as I descended. If some crackhead had broken in to steal my Xbox, he was in for a nasty surprise.
Whoever it was wasn't being very subtle. I heard the noise of their commotion drifting up the stairs.
"I told you not to bring Chad!" a voice hissed. "It's hard enough to keep a low profile without that fat piece of shit breaking everything!"
"We need protection!" another voice retorted. "We're not the only ones looking for her, and if the horse shows up, then we'll need as much muscle as we can spare."
They came into view as I peered into the kitchen. There were five of them. They looked like hardcore Marilyn Manson fans who had wandered into a renaissance fair after seeing too many Clive Barker movies. They had pale skin covered in bizarre piercings and sinister tattoos, and they were dressed in black robes.
"You LARPers have got ten seconds to drop whatever you've stolen and get the fuck out of my house," I growled.
They laughed, and their eyes began to flicker with a sickly yellow light.
"We've come for the Element of Loyalty," said their leader. "Be a good little loving and tolerant brony and hand her over or we shall inflict such unspeakable tortures upon you that even the damned souls of Hell will weep in pity of your suffering!"
"I'll love and tolerate your deaths!" I yelled, squeezing the trigger.
I caught three of them in my line of fire as the other two dove for cover. Blood gushed everywhere as I mowed them down. The bullets ripped through them with such force that intestines and pieces of shredded organs spilled out onto the linoleum tiles. They slumped to the floor, bleeding and riddled with bullet holes.
An deep, guttural roar sounded from the living room, accompanied by thunderous footsteps. I whipped my head around and saw an eight foot tall, 400 pound zombie storm into the kitchen, its giant, rotting man-breasts jiggling with fury. It had been sent to guard the front door, and had returned when it felt its masters depart from the mortal plain.
"Get him, Chad!" the remaining wizards yelled.
I pissed myself in terror as Chad bore down on me.
I fired wildly, obliterating the corpse-man's titties in a spray of red-brown muck, but it carried on through my attack like a charging bull. The AK slipped from my hands as the obese zombie drove its meaty fist into my chest, sending me flying backward into the counter with a painful thud. I coughed, feeling like I'd just been hit by a sledgehammer.
The necromancers laughed and cheered as the zombie proceeded to kick my ass all over the kitchen. It slammed me against the stove and grabbed me roughly by the neck, raising me up to its mouth. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as the zombie opened it's maw, exposing crooked black teeth that promised an agonizing death. I felt lightheaded, and black spots flickered at the edge of my vision as I struggled to draw a breath through the zombie's grip. I could feel its rancid breath on my face, and I smelled the stench of rot and methane. My aching body was too weak to pull out of the zombie's grasp. I prayed to whatever gods might be listening that I would pass out from oxygen depravation before Chad could eat my face.
"I'm sorry, Dashie," I thought. "I'm just not strong enough."
There would be no more story time for Dashie. In my mind's eye I saw Chad eating her, crushing her bones between its rotten teeth as she screamed in agony, calling for a father who would never come.
"No!"
"You can't have her!" I croaked.
A rush of adrenaline shot through my body, and I flailed my hands around, searching desperately for anything that could help me. A spark of hope ignited in my chest as my hand closed around a hard, shapeless lump. It was a potato, and I shoved it in Chad's mouth. The zombie's jaw worked furiously, but it couldn't bite through the spud quickly enough. It let go of me, its one-track mind now focussed solely on freeing its maw. I took a ragged breath of not-so-fresh air and grabbed a frying pan off the stove, smashing the zombie's jaw clean off in a shower of bloody, broken teeth with a single swing, exposing its gurgling neck hole.
I dropped the frying pan and grabbed a large wooden spoon from a drawer, lighting it on the stove.
"You hungry, fatass?" I asked, shoving the burning spoon into Chad's neck hole. "Eat this!"
The noxious gasses inside the zombie's bloated body ignited, and its belly burst with a wet splash. A geyser of putrid cadaver sludge erupted at me as corpse-man was sent flying backward, landing with massive thud that shook the whole house. I had thought that Chad's breath had smelled utterly disgusting, but that had been like the sweet scent of an embracing lover compared to the onslaught of nose-rape that was released in that instant. It was half-burnt grave rot bacteria juices and sick plague-corpse maggot lumps wallowing in the festered ichor of a stagnant digestive tract which had long since shuffled off this mortal coil.
I fell to my knees and began heaving up a thick fountain of chunky vomit, splattering the stove with flying jets of juicy, brown puke-slime as I struggled to pull myself up.
"That was the… " began one of the magicians before he was overcome with his own puking spree. "HUUAARK ... that was The Murderer's best zombie, you horsefucker!" he finally managed.
The two magi snarled with fury as the light in their eyes burned brighter. I managed to throw myself to the side as they unleashed bolts of killing magic from their eyes, which burst into flames against the wall. I grabbed a meat cleaver from my knife rack and threw it overhand. It spun through the air before embedding itself in the nearest sorcerer's crotch. The magician pitched forward, clutching at the bloody ruins of his wizard staff and philosopher's stones while screaming so violently that cocaine shot out of his nose. He face planted on the floor so hard that he knocked himself out and broke his nose with a sickening, wet crunch. He swiftly drowned in a pool of his own nose blood.
The last wizard fired another bolt of sorcery at me, but I reflected it back at his head with a shiny pot. It melted his face and sent him stumbling backward into the sink. One of his hands became stuck in the garbage disposal. He hit the faucet with his free hand as flailed about, and the water turned on.
"Who sent you?!" I demanded, gasping for breath.
"My master will throw your soul to the Hell Rapists, brony!" he shrieked, splashing water all over himself as he struggled to free his hand. "Your ass will never know peace again!"
I grabbed a toaster, plugged it into the wall socket, and set it to "dark."
"You're toast, motherfucker!" I yelled as slid the toaster across the counter into the sink.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" he screamed as electricity crackled through his body.
The electricity reacted violently with the evil magic coursing through his veins, and his entire body exploded into a cloud of burning gore, showering the kitchen in bloody chunks of sticky meat and brain matter. The smoke alarm went off.
I retrieved my AK from the muck, breathing heavily as I popped out the spent magazine and slid in the spare one. I stood still for several seconds, not sure what to do next. Should I call the police? My entire kitchen was covered in blood, vomit, liquified brains, and mutilated corpses. What would I say had happened here? That a bunch of evil wizards broke into my house and tried to steal my magic pony?
I always figured that I'd have to deal with a burglar some day, but this was quite a bit more than I had been prepared for. My brain tried feebly to unravel the surreally of the situation before giving up.
The blare of the smoke alarm was beginning to annoy me, so I shot it.
I thought I'd be too vulnerable in the shower, so I decided to go upstairs and clean myself off with a towel, figuring that maybe I'd think of something once I had wiped off most of the wizard guts.
No sooner had I turned than the bodies of my victims suddenly began to thrash and convulse. Muscles tore themselves free from the bones and slithered across the floor in sticky strands. They gathered into a writhing mass, twisting together to form the figure of a gigantic man.
"No," I whimpered. A muscle under my left eye began twitching as I felt the last shreds of my sanity depart. "No, no, no, no…"
"Oh, you Americans are just too much fun!" he exclaimed. "You're always shooting or punching or arresting each other. I always forget how entertaining you all are whenever I'm away."
"Listen, Mr. meat-man, I'm having a really shitty night. Is there any possibility of you just going away?" I pleaded, slowly backing away.
"Oh, no, no, no!" he replied. "I know I make it look easy, but manifesting myself like this is very difficult, I assure you. I'm not leaving until my business is finished. They call me The Murderer here, and that little pony of yours has been a thorn in my side for a long time. Why lead a boring life in a dead city when you could march at the head of an army set conquer the universe? Hand her over and join me, and I will grant you incredible power! It'll be fun!"
"Join you? You're a psychopath!" I said, wiping a trickle of brains out of my eyes.
The Murderer frowned.
"You're made of sterner stuff than I imagined, brony. The way you dispatched my necromancers was quite impressive. I'd fire them if they weren't already burning in Hell."
He held out a bloody hand.
"You'd make a fine lieutenant in my army. I could teach you the secrets of death. You'd have power beyond your wildest dreams! Are you telling me that you would honestly rather spend your life changing a horse's diapers?"
"Dashie uses the big potty, and there's no greater power in the universe than friendship," I replied.
"Ugh! Spare me!" The Murderer grunted in frustration. "You bronies are always so dreadfully self-righteous." His fingers began stretching out at me, becoming barbed tentacles. "Oh well, time to die!"
I fired a short burst into the meat-man, but instantly saw that it was useless. He was already made of shreds. Putting a few more holes in him made no difference. I dashed out of the kitchen and hurried back up the stairs, diving at the last moment. I heard the tendrils whoosh over me, embedding themselves in the wall. I didn't waste time watching the fingers pull themselves out. I scrambled into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. The wood splintered as The Murderer's fingers forced their way through, swaying in the air as they felt blindly for me.
"Change of plan, Dashie!"
I yanked her out from under the bed by her tail.
"We're going for a walk!"
I dropped the rifle and tucked the tiny pegasus, still wrapped in my coat, under my arm.
"Daddy, why is there a big pillow with a picture of me in socks on it under there? And why is it so stinky?" she asked.
"You're too young to know about that," I replied.
I charged at the window and jumped, smashing through it shoulder first and rolling on the shingled awning over my porch for a second or two before I plummeted to the muddy ground of my front yard. It hurt like hell when I landed, and it would hurt even worse if I lived to see morning, but nothing felt broken, so I staggered to my feet.
"There's nowhere you can hide!" The Murderer called from inside the house. "My spirit is strong in this world!"
I fled with no destination, the only thought in my mind was to put as much distance between me and the house as possible. I could already hear the slap of the meat-man's slimy feet following me.
I ran, carrying Dashie out into the dying city I had worked so hard to protect her from. Earth isn't like Equestria. It's not safe and bright and cheerful, and its monster's can't be stopped by a stern telling-off. It's filled with darkness and cruelty, and we all have a little bit of The Murderer in us.
A dead raccoon crawled out of a storm drain ahead of me and burst, unraveling a shower of stringy muscles at me.
I ducked the muscles, but it was the delay that the meat-man needed. I spared a quick glance over my shoulder, and saw his fingers stretching toward me once again. This time he didn't miss.
My heart exploded.
I looked down, and saw the five tendrils sticking out of my chest. I fell to the hard asphalt in front of a parked car, and Dashie tumbled from my arm.
"Daddy!"
She grabbed my sleeve in her teeth, and tugged weekly at it as if trying to drag me back up.
"Go!" I choked, waving her away. The coat slid off her as she scrambled off into the night.
The slap of the meat-man's footsteps came closer, stopping just in front of me.
"Oh no. And you were doing so well," he mocked. Strips of flesh slithered away from his feet, slicing and pulling the muscles of my legs. Soon, I would join Chad and the five necromancers as part of his horrible body.
"You cannot save her from me! Once I send the Elements of Harmony to Hell, I will be able to take my revenge, and neither man, nor pony, nor God himself will be able to stop me!"
I felt through the coat's pockets as the world grew cold, withdrawing a lighter and a serrated combat knife in a hard leather sheath.
"Look at you!" he sneered. "Even in your last moments, you still think you can defy me. What a shame that you would chose to use your strength to fight for such a worthless cause as friendship."
"You're wrong!" I grunted.
I pulled the knife out of its sheath and, with the last of my strength, drove the blade into the car's fuel tank. Gasoline gushed out, splashing on the ground and mixing with my pooling blood.
I flicked the lighter and closed my eyes.
"Friendship is magic!"
The gasoline ignited instantly, and the car exploded, erupting into a gigantic fireball with an echoing boom. The Murderer howled with fury as we were engulfed in a cloud of flames and burning shrapnel.
A single flaming wheel rolled slowly away from the blazing wreckage.
"Vake up soldier!"
Someone was barking at me in a cheesy, over-the-top German accent.
I pushed myself upright and opened my eyes.
I was standing in a gloomy tent, lit only by a single flickering lamp. The speaker was wearing an old-fashioned German military uniform, complete with a swastika armband. I easily recognized it from the many photographs of my Nazi ancestors that my parents had kept in our safe. A quick glance at myself told me I was wearing the same, albeit of lower rank.
"Vot is your name?" he demanded.
"Konrad . . . Konrad Deeter."
"Vell, Deeter, you had better get out zere!" he said, pointing to the tent flap. "Ze Russians vill be here any minute!"
"Wait!" I protested. "I'm not a soldier! The war ended decades ago!"
"Zis is Hell, Deeter!" he shouted. "Everyvone is a soldier here, and ze var von't end unless ve save Berlin! Now move, you dog!"
I followed him out into the battlefield, hoping that I'd managed to save my little Dashie from a similar fate.
Author's Note:
I'm trying something a little different with this chapter. I'm worried that it wasn't violent or silly enough, but I felt it was necessary to do it in this way to kick off the new storyline. Also, switching from 3rd to 1st person is not a very correct thing to do, but hopefully that won't cause too many problems.
The reason for my big delay was partially college work load, and partially hideous eye infection. Chapters will hopefully be coming out at a more reasonable rate now that Summer is here.
I actually did have a chapter two written quite awhile ago, but I decided not to post it because it sucked. The villain was just an OC pony, the story was going to have nothing more to do with Hell and the Judeo-Christian mythos, and all the violence was against either non-living creatures or Lyra and Bon Bon. After writing chapter two, I decided that it wasn't good enough. Better to take longer and make it good than to quickly churn out a bunch of poop, right? The direction of the story needed to be changed, and more, better villains had to come. That gave me the freedom to have even more flavors of hideously awful violence, wether involving Lyra and Bon Bon or otherwise.
I read through the bible to find a new villain (yes, I actually did research to write this piece of shit), but there wasn't much in the way of selection. It's pretty much just Satan, and only because God lets him get away with stuff. Everyone else is God's punching bag. Luckily, I've played Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines (somewhere, somebody just started re-installing that game), so I was able to get a bit of inspiration.
My favorite bible verse is Ezekiel 23:19-21:
"Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled."
I don't have anything to say about it. I just wanted to share it with you.
Stay tuned, more grimderp pony action is on the way!
